Old man on cell: Oh, God, I was drunk out of my mind. I was drunk, drunk, drunk… Yeah, I was so drunk I don’t even remember being arrested. I woke up and I was like, ‘Where the fuck am I?’
–Washington Square Park
Buff black guy to small black guy: Maybe you should go to jail to get your weight up.
–153rd & Edgecombe
Overheard by: DaHustler
Guy on bench to friend: There is no way you’re not going to jail tonight.
–Outside Whole Foods
Overheard by: Big Apple repeat offender – just visiting
Tough guy on cell: Man, what are you worried about? So what if they brought you in? It’s not assault if you didn’t use a weapon, right?
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Chicagoan in NY for first time
Guy on cell: That would have been worse! Then I would have been resisting arrest at a black tie event!
–35th St, between 8th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Jason
Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category
One Flew Over the Wednesday One-Liner’s Nest
Teen: I just like popcorn, cake, and Pepsi, so my mind’s going crazy and I shake a lot…
–Chipotle, 33rd & 5th
Crazy girl on cell: … So he tells me I’m crazy. I’m not crazy! Why does he think I’m crazy?! There is no way I’m crazy! He’s crazy for thinking that!
–33rd & 6th
Angry black woman: Why are they taking pictures of the crazy man? Goddamn tourists! God damn them all!
–1 train station, Christopher St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Tourist woman: I think the only people that speak English here are the crazy people screaming obscenities on the streets.
–Mulberry & Broome
Chick on cell: Then again, who am I to talk about being crazy? I have a clove of garlic in my cooch!
–113th & Broadway
Overheard by: McFreaky
The Happiest Wednesday One-Liners on Earth
Blonde: At least if I die on the tram I won’t have to go to Disney World.
–Tram from Roosevelt Island
Overheard by: Laura
Woman on cell: That’s kind of surreal to go from Disneyland to Scientologists.
–53rd & 5th
Middle-aged nerd, pointing to the Cyclone: I’ve ridden it over a hundred times, and every time the whole time I’m like this [puts both arms up over head]. It’s considered, you know, the cool, fun way to ride if you can do it the whole time. Most people can’t.
–Coney Island
Overheard by: Ace Montana
Old guy to two others: Over there is Brooklyn. Coney Island is there. It’s just like a Spanish Disney World.
–Vandam St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Katie Dearest
Queer: So last night, me and my friend were being all catty and talking about our friend who got a really good job… I was really jealous and pissed, but then I realized — she may have an awesome job, but she’s never been to Disney World. Then I felt better about the whole situation.
–NYU
Overheard by: Does Six Flags count?
Wednesday One-Liners Taste the Rainbow
Seven-year-old, looking around: Mommy, is this a gay place?
–Columbus Circle Mall
Deadpan guy: Just for future reference, when you have gay sex in a bathroom stall, you might wanna put paper bags over your feet so people don’t see two pairs of male feet under the door and catch on… I’m just saying.
–Wagner College
Overheard by: Zabet
Fat chick: Gay sex makes everything better.
–Nederlander Theatre
Scruffy college student to friend: So, I told my parents I was gay… Then they told me I was adopted.
–Starbucks
Overheard by: ramona
Old Asian woman, smiling after reading tabloid cover: He is not gay!
–Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th
Overheard by: I still think he is :-/, BiTCHESSSS!!
Wednesday One-Liners Would Never Call It “Vay-Kay”
Dude: Maybe I’ll just go on vacation with my left hand.
–67th & Columbus
Overheard by: Meli
Teen tourist on cell: I’m on vacation — I’m allowed to be a slut!
–Times Square
Trinidadian conductor on PA: This is Broadway-Nassau/Fulton Street. Transfer on the upper level for 2-3-4-5, J, M and Z… And please keep in mind that this time tomorrow, I’ll be landin’ in Trinidad in the sun, hahaha!
–A train
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Conductor: Just remember that on Sunday, I’ll be on my way to Acapulco! Ho, ho, ho! Did you ever see Santa in short pants and a t-shirt?
–A train
Overheard by: amc
Girl to friends: Yeah, so, you know how I was obsessed with my ex, right? So, he totally doesn’t know this, but one time when he was on vacation with his family, I broke into his house, looked through all his stuff for like three hours, and then took a huge dump in his parents’ bathroom and peaced.
–Grand Central
Worker to another: Wear something non-flammable when you go on vacation.
–Tiffany & Co.
The Jabberwocky’s Wednesday One-Liners
20-ish guy to friends: Talk about sweat — I never swat so much in my life!
–Bleecker & MacDougal
Blonde: I’m not a naysayer! I’m not! I’m a yes-sayer… An ambiguous answer-sayer…
–Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Bimbette: Oh my god, I was dramatized! I couldn’t even look at him.
–Staten Island Ferry
Suit: I just walked into Barnes and Nizzle to take a wizzle.
–Barnes & Noble, 22nd St
Guy to friend: If the Yankees win the first two, it’ll be a swept.
–Rockefeller Center
Paint department clerk to customer: Do you want interior or outerior?
–Home Depot, Brooklyn
Supermarket cashier: I was actually valedictorian in high school, and I wore four-inch heels to graduation. And surprise, surprise — I falled.
–Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Wednesday’s Too Sexy for Its One-Liners
Thug: Yo, baby! You so sexy! You look just like Ugly Betty!
–26th & Lex
Overheard by: Myrtle
Wandering popcorn vendor : Popcorn! Get your sexy popcorn here!
–Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Mets Fan
Ghetto mom to young sons: Where my sexy glasses at?!
–W 96th St & Central Park West
Overheard by: Megan W.
Teen thugette: You know who sexy? Mickey Mouse. That nigga sexy!
–Q11 bus, Queens
Jogger: I’m checking out my shadow to see how long my hair is in the back — it’s fuckin’ sexy!
–Central Park
Man: I love sexy cheese. I love sexy cheese!
–Outside Fordham University
Overheard by: …sexy cheese?
Wednesday One-Liners: The Musical
Crackhead singing to another: You don’t bring me flowerrrs anymorrre.
–Starbucks, W 4th & Grove
Drunk guy crossing street: No touching, ladies… I’m saving myself for divorce. [Sings] Iii’m saving myself for divorrrce!
–36th & Broadway
Conductor: Next stop, New York, New York. [Singing] New York, New York, oh what a beautiful city — New York, New York! [Speaking normally] Penn Station is next, folks.
–NJ Transit
Man running down subway stairwell, singing: At least it’s snowing!
–79th & Broadway
Overheard by: it wasn’t snowing
Girl, singing: I love tweeeed!
–Century 21
Man on bus, singing: I want a vagina for Christmas.
–92nd & 3rd
Brunette, singing: You put the sushi in your coochie and you turn yourself around — that’s what it’s all about!
–Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners Ain’t Shit but Hos and Tricks
Queer: If a song starts with, ‘It’s Britney, bitch!’ you kind of expect it to be good!
–8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Um, You do?
Girl: Why you call me a bitch? I’m Nigerian!
–NYU bus
Overheard by: sjhaughty
Thug on cell: You a bitch! You afraid to shower!
–42nd St
Overheard by: Brian Libido
Three-year-old WASP, entering room: Welcome to this bitch!
–Supercuts, St. Mark’s Pl
Overheard by: Leo
Kid running ahead of exhausted mom: Run, bitch! Run!
–Prince St & W Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Everything but the Bikini Wax
Queer: I just want to work on my arms. I don’t need to bother with abs — I’ll just spray them on.
–New York Sports Club, 23rd St
Lady in elevator to grandma with walker: That M.A.C Stuff is like spackle! It stays on for hours!
–Macy’s
Overheard by: nuck
Columbia co-ed: I always put on makeup when I’m drunk. It’s such a bad idea!
–114th St & Broadway
Overheard by: tired of Morningside Heights
Young girl: Mom, can I get my Social Studies teacher a gift? I’ma get her some lotion, ’cause she mad ashy! Yo, I ain’t even lyin’. I ain’t even lyin’…
–Steinway St, Astoria
Ghetto chick hanging up cell angrily: Great! He gone messed up my day! Now I’m definitely getting my hair and nails did!
–Wendy’s, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: Jesus Jon