Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Start to Sizzle

Guy to his terrified date: Damn, I want to do you. Really, we should go back to my place. We’re hot, we’d be hot together, people would pay to watch us fuck.

–Union Square

Security guard to teen boy who set off the metal detector: Whoa, drop it like it’s hot, baby.

–Checkpoint at JFK

Ghetto teen: Nigga said his penis was hotter than a microwave.

–A train, 168 St

Late-20s woman on cell: Am I getting old? Not picking up hot Frenchmen who offer me drugs?

–The Four Seasons

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Chick on cell: Yes, but you’re a hot creepy stranger.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Wednesday One-Liners Are Carrying Low

Guy: I had to yell at her and tell her that she couldn’t be pregnant — I mean, dude, that was last week.

–St. Marks & 3rd Ave

Preggers to male friend: And that asshole came up and body-slammed me on the train platform! Of course, everyone was looking at me like I’m the animal. How can you body-slam a woman who’s seven months pregnant and not feel bad?

–D train

Overheard by: Jannine Ramlochan

Preggers to lady pushing to get to cupcake table: Lady, I am four months pregnant. Getting between me and those cupcakes is a really, really good way to lose an arm.

–Magnolia Bakery

Snotty actress: Oh my gosh, she is such a good writer for my acting type. Her script is so like, like — pregnant with promise.

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: Emilia

Girl on phone: No, I can’t have sex with you. Because then if I got pregnant I’d have to be like, ‘Whose baby is it? Well, let’s see — is it black, white, brown…?’

–Grand Central Station

British mother to young son: Do you know what I had to eat when I was pregnant with you, Bill? Buns! Buns! Buns! Buns! That’s why you’re mad about buns. [To daughter] And that’s why you like brown things.

–Varick & King St

Young woman to friends: And she keeps getting pregnant, and I’m like, ‘Stop it, woman!’

–Columbia campus

Overheard by: Cheney

Wednesday One-liners for the Linguists

Chick: I don’t know what is wrong with her, she was acting so
agnoxious. –Office, Madison & 38th Hipster guy: Whenever they build a new road, it should be the blankth street ever made. 34th Street should be the 34th street ever built. –C train Overheard by: A. Magnus Fat girl: When I used to play Scrabble just for the words, I sucked. –Astoria Overheard by: Gregorio Chick: Oh my god, you’re so stupid. Canal Street isn’t in Chinatown; it’s in English, how could it be Chinatown? –N train Overheard by: Steph Lo Drunk girl: I didn’t have an ego until I started doing acid. My friend and I, we would just sit around and do acid and talk about how cool we were. We had this thing called “P.A.S.” that stood for “Phat As Shit.” We’d be like, “We…are P.A.S.” –Uncle Ming’s, Avenue B Homie: Yo, you see that shit on Family Guy? That nigga Quagmire be funny, son! That “giggity giggity” shit! Yo son, that nigga tied up a cheerleader and shit and always be trying to nail the little bitch. –N train

Wednesday One-Liners Reject the Tyranny of Unrealistic Body Images

Queer: There were so many fat people there… I was, like, breathing fat-air.

–Lafayette & Bleecker

Fat guy, looking at cheese nips: Oh no! I don’t want the reduced-fat ones!

–Associated Market, Bleecker & LaGuardia

Latina on train full of Yankees fans and more people boarding: One person getting off and three getting on! Niggas is trying to fit and they fat! If you fat, take the next train! Oh my god! Fuck!

–4 train

Girl on cell: What would a party be without the two of us shaking our thigh fat at each other?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Woman: Skinny motherfuckers! I’m a plus-sized woman! I keep my man warm! I know how to make my man cum! Skinny Motherfuckers!

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: KA

Fat loudmouth: Obesity — it’s in the DNA. And last night, I felt the gene hit me. So I had a tuna sandwich, but I threw away the bread. The gene, it wants me to be fat — it don’t want me to look nice like everyone else.

–Uptown 2 train

Overheard by: Beecals

Realist chick: Yeah, I know how to say ‘french fries’ in practically every language because I’m a fat-ass.

–NYU Kimmel Center, Washingon Square Park

Overheard by: tj

Wednesday One-Liners Are With the Band

Dr. Obvious: If you want to be a label band, you have to play like a label band. –Bar basement, Williamsburg Subway performer: I would like to sing you a song now, one that I wrote and I am very proud of. It goes like this, “Lean on me, when you’re not strong, and I’ll be your friend…” –Brooklyn bound L train Overheard by: Meg Guy to girl: I don’t mean to be pretentious, but I have seen the Palominos live. –CBGB’s Karaoke singer: I realized early on that I wasn’t being sexy enough with that song, and then suddenly I was humping the air. –Fat Black Pussycat, 3rd St & 6th Ave Stoner: Dude, what is this band playing? Is this Phish? No, seriously. I’m really confused. –Dave Matthews Band concert, Randall’s Island Overheard by: Sober at Randall’s Island Black guy: I don’t give a damn what the black people think! I want Evanescence! –Hunter College Overheard by: Kimmie Waiter: I had to get out of there. I’m sorry, but I just can’t listen to Tom Waits as soon as I get into work! It’s too early for Tom Waits! Let me ease into my day first. Jesus! –Outside Life Café Overheard by: daile

Our Wednesday One-Liners, Ourselves

Woman conductor: Take all of your personal belongings and all parts of your body as you leave the train.

–Brooklyn-bound D train

Bronx woman: I do not have ‘cheeseburger’ written on my forehead.

–Parkchester, Bronx

Overheard by: walking too fast to hear more

20-something girl to woman praying with legs wide open: When I move over it’s so your warm thighs aren’t pressed up against mine.

–Downtown A train

Overheard by: lisa l.

Chick: So then he slammed my infected eyebrow right into his crotch. It was terrific!

–Theater, 1st Ave & 9th St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

British guy to girlfriend: Can I have your tongue?

–Scruffy Duffy’s, 8th Ave

Skinny 20-something: My head swung like a pendulum… I had a brain injury, but it’s okay because the part of the brain that got injured — the doctors are unsure of its function.

–7 train

Overheard by: Holy Crap!

Middle-aged guy lunching with female companions: So… Do you know if there’s any other organs on my body that could grow teeth?

–Sushi Samba, West Village

Wanksday One-Liners

Large lady in sun dress to man in front of her: Do you want this seat? ‘Cause I can’t sit here and watch you play with yourself in front of me.

–F train, between Carroll St & Bergen St

Worker to partner: Next time he starts jerkin’ off, I wanna know.

–Manhattan & Nassau, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: Wanna know how I have fun? I go home, eat, jerk off and watch TV. Now that’s fun!

–29th & 7th

Suit: Man, if I was a woman, I’d be at home sticking everything inside me — cucumbers, hair brush handles, whatever I could find!

–Broadway & Crescent Ave, Long Island City

Overheard by: tracy

College chick on cell: Yay for masturbation! And yay for date rape!

–N train

Overheard by: Bionic Womyn

Take a Lick of These Wednesday One-Liners

Student: It’s true — Gummi Bears are good for your liver. I heard it from a horse.

–Harry S.Truman High

Overheard by: Anya

Loud guy: She called me a chocolate matzah ball! Can you believe that shit? She called me a chocolate matzah ball!

–E train, Queens

Overheard by: Anya

Guy in heated debate: No, I told you — everyone knows that Sour Skittles are much more aerodynamic than regular ones! God!

–Starbucks, Astor & Lafayette

Overheard by: Amy

Eight-year-old trick-or-treating cheerleader: Mom, listen to my new cheer: Trick or treat, smell my feet, gimme some fucking candy!

–110th & Broadway

Professor: I don’t want to be chocolate.

–Bard High School Early College

Hobo, when lady gives him a lollipop: Ma’am, I am 52 years old. What’s an old, homeless man going to do with a Tootsie Pop?

–34th St station