Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Put Them on One Leg at a Time, Like Everyone Else

Woman to old lady: Put your shoes on so your pants don’t fall off.

–Ladies’ bathroom, Manhattan Mall

Guy: I wanna go to a zoo where all the animals are wearing pants.

–Prospect Park Zoo

Overheard by: Valerie Fasone

Tourist dad: Did you see that thing? It just went–Zip!–Right up his pant leg!

–23rd & 6th

Overheard by: Stephen Distinti

Older man on cell: OK, let me know what Margot says and let me know if my pants are there.

–Chinatown

Overheard by: Elise

Doctor to wife: I had a patient bleed on these pants today; should I wash them tonight?

–L Train

Overheard by: Jason

Suit #1 to suit #2: The first thing to come to my mind is: I have a girlfriend, she has a boyfriend, how can I get into her pants one last time?

–Downtown 4 train

Overheard by: Michael O’Connor

Teen girl on cell: So then he wanted me to go down on him and I said, "OK." He pulls down his pants, and let me tell you, girl, I could not stop laughing.

–Court & Atlantic, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Size always matters

Wednesday One-Liners: Great for Your Complexion

Hot chick on cell: Important question: Which is more painful, cum in your eye, or Caesar salad dressing in your eye?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Dude on cell: … Because I’m a pastry chef, and my semen tastes like ice cream.

–Soho

Ghetto girl on cell: So he said to me, ‘Suck my cum for five dollars,’ and I was like…

–St. Mark’s & Broadway

Overheard by: Stilettofem

Chick: I have no agreements for future procurement of sperm.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Meister

Hipster chick on cell: Why were you and Voldemort sharing sperm?

–140th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

A Carton of Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: I’m getting on the train now, so I’ll be there soon. Just wait for me on the corner and smoke something.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Devon

Smoker chick: I lose lighters like I lose men.

–Central Park

Overheard by: RENThead

Nerd: I don’t even like smoking. I just like feeling like an arrogant jerk.

–LIRR to Penn Station

Overheard by: Heather Baharestani

Man to friends: I mean, I don’t know about him. He doesn’t play sports, he doesn’t drink, smoke or do drugs… What kind of a life is that?

–Manhattan-bound M train

Overheard by: amazed

Hipster: The Statue of Liberty would be so much cooler if she had a cigarette.

–D train

Overheard by: dianora

Wednesday One-Liners, Damn Lies, and Statistics

Drunk British chick: She clucked and mooed, so I said twelve.

–Red Hook, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sam Jerman

Guy on cell: Did you know that one out of six people with scoliosis die every day? Yeah, I know… Ha! No, I’m just kidding. I made that up.

–Astor & Lafayette

Overheard by: Jay

Dude to chick: On a scale from one to cookie… you’re a seven.

–Central Park

Loud lady: I mean, how many times did I have my head between Greg’s legs? Only 12 or 13 times! Not that many times.

–Eugene O’Neill Theatre

Overheard by: tmoney

Black teen to his friends: Yo, I read the Bible nine times, and that shit contradicted itself like a motherfucker!

–Broadway & Steinway, Astoria

Want a Date, Wednesday One-Liners?

Hipster student: Yeah, man, we took Chinese already, but they’re making us start again in elementary ’cause we can’t write. All we know how to say is curse words and how to pick up hookers.

–Midtown Direct NJ Transit

Guy on cell: … Virtual strumpet.

–E 34th St

Overheard by: Krisztina

Young woman on cell: My apartment is not a brothel… My apartment is not a brothel.

–Tompkins Square Park

Suit to wife: Oh, wait, they’re not prostitutes, they’re just Italian.

–Per Se Restaurant, Columbus Circle

Hobo in skirt: Ladies, ladies! Sex for sale! Sex for sale! Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!

–2nd Ave, between 8th & 9th St

Overheard by: Skyler Fox

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Stomach Humble Pie

Lady suit at lunch: Actually, I prefer people who are just like me.

–Lower East Side

30-something: Everyone knows my name, and I know everyone’s name.

–Herald Square

Overheard by: acep

20-ish guy looking at reflection in elevator mirror: This is why I love elevators — I get to look at myself. I am so hot. Have you ever realized how hot I am? Yeah, I’m really hot. [Leans in and kisses his reflection.]

–AMA Building, 48th & Broadway

Overheard by: Heather

Guy getting off train: The king is leaving!

–R train

Overheard by: peace out, your highness

Wednesday One-Liners Fear the Silence

Angry woman on cell: How did you get this number? This is my personal cell phone number and I won’t be having these kinds of calls coming in under any circumstances! No! Absolutel– How high would the credit limit be if I activated this card? … No! I don’t take these kinds of calls!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Kory

Conductor: All passengers please have your tickets out, and for those passengers with cell phones, please remember to use your inner voice when using them.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Listening to my inner-voices

Loud black guy on cell: Yeah, man, I’ll be there later, yo. No doubt, son… Yeah, word, you heard what happen to– [Cell phone rings and everyone stares at him.]

–125th & Lenox

Overheard by: Hugh

Coworker: My phone’s lost all functionality. I mean, it still works, but…

–Office, Midtown

Overheard by: I am large, I contain multitudes

Kid wandering around on cell, suddenly covering phone with hand: I don’t even know who I’m talking to! [He goes back to talking on the phone.]

–Kmart, Astor Pl

Wednesday One-Liners Ain’t Gettin’ Any

Man learning about horseshoes, to his wife: You hear that, honey? Mating season is over for them. Does that sound familiar?

–New York Aquarium, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tracy Fish


Early 20’s chick to Hasid trying to lure her into his van
: I wouldn’t even sleep with you for WORLD PEACE!


–1st & Bedford, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Alison


Woman to friend
: Conjugal visits, my ass! That man doesn’t give a shit about sex. In the two years we were together, we had sex six times! Six times!


–Starbucks, Astor Pl

Overheard by: Aaron A


Meathead on cell
: We never get laid. We might as well be ninjas.


–Canal & Broadway


Professor
: I don’t understand these Taliban guys. 27 virgins! 27 virgins! Who wants to spend eternity with a bunch of beginners?


–Classroom, FIT


Guy
: So what you sayin’? I can’t have sex with you anymore?


–10th & University

Overheard by: Priska Neely


The Niceties of Wednesday One-Liners

Angry man yelling into pay phone: Do you know what extortion is? Yeah? Well, it’s not nice.

–Polish resturant, Brooklyn Heights

Bus driver: To all the nice people who didn’t curse at the bus driver, thank you.

–Bx 8 bus

Overheard by: You’re Welcome

Woman collecting money for Coalition for the Homeless: Now, you have a nice day, sir! I don’t wanna tell you have a nice day, because you’re a horrible person! You should be giving me money, but you ain’t and you’re going to hell! But I’m a good person, so I’m going to say have a nice day anyway! Have a nice day, ladies. Shalom!

–42nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Michelle Smith

Homely redhead: I started dating this new guy, and that’s really good because I haven’t dated anyone in over a year. We’ve been on two dates and he’s married and he’s really nice.

–60th & 5th

Dude: He’s a nice guy. If you cross him he’ll tie your ears together and slingshot boxes of wine in your face.

–Bleecker

Chick: She is a nice girl! Completely crazy.

–67th St stop, Queens

A Matter of Life and Wednesday One-Liners

Asian chick: I guess upstate is just one big… thing. And the people up there are, like, robots. They have so many rules… And what are they for? I mean, they’re to kill people… And I am anti-violence.

–NYU bus

Overheard by: Moose

Crazy lady to frustrated friends: All she needs to do is fucking die, okay?

–Woodside Station

Overheard by: Jesse

NYU student: Last time I did the Ouija board it told me I was going to die… Then it turned out to be right.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: only cats have nine lives

Conductor: The consequence of using a cell phone in the quiet car is… the death penalty.

–Amtrak to Boston

Five-year-old boy: But Dad, it was a dead gypsy!

–Washington & Rector

Middle-aged woman to younger woman, matter-of-fact: … And it’s not like you meant to kill her. You were just fooling around.

–E 12th St, between 5th Ave & University Pl

Overheard by: Liz A