Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Wednesday One-liners Use Safety Scissors

Girl: If she were dead, she would have called, right? –83rd & York Overheard by: Will Suit: Well see, I’ve always either been single or in a relationship. –Duane & Broadway Overheard by: McGins Guy on cell: Yeah, what he said made us sound stupid. But it made me sound even stupider! –Broadway & Bleecker Overheard by: jillypickle Girl on cell: Hello? No, you have the wrong number…Hello? No, I told you you had the wrong number. What are you, illiterate? –M train Overheard by: Jane Guy: Yo, I never knew Dean Koontz wrote books in Spanish. He’s mad smart! And Bill Clinton, too! –Barnes & Noble libros en espanol section, Union Square McChick: Would you like that “with cheese”, or without “with cheese”? –McDonald’s, 44th and Lex Man: Oh shit, it’s raining outside too? –Office, 40th & 3rd Overheard by: Colin F.

Wednesday One-liners in Black and White

Creepy white teacher: And so the black people started to spread from Harlem. And now there are black people in all five boroughs. –205 & Reservoir, the Bronx Hobo to parked white-on-white Mini Cooper: Hate car! Racist car! Bigot car! –4th St & 1st Ave Overheard by: benjamen walker Girl on cell: I don’t care if I am as white as a bar of soap, I can say bangin’ all I want. –35th St & 23rd Ave, Astoria Overheard by: Rick Adams

Holy Wednesay-One-Liners, Batman!

Little boy, hearing loud explosion: Jesus Christ!

–Upper East Side

Overheard by: Farley


Suit to girlfriend
: Are you mad at Jesus?


–Penn Station

Overheard by: Matt


Girl, pointing to eyebrow ring
: I receive God through this hole in my eye!


–Financier Patisserie, Stone St

Overheard by: Gen


Teen girl
: Yeah, so I was about to go down on him, and I got smacked in the face with Jesus. It was so not hot.


–Sheepshead Bay

Overheard by: Lotte


Black man
: Free Post! Free Post! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, free at last! Free Post!


–34th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: jackattack


JAP
: When I told my mom I didn’t want to fast today she said ‘That’s ok, no one said you had to’ and I said ‘Ummm, I think God did.’


–33rd St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: ak


Man to cop
: Can’t you do nuthin’ about those damn Jehovah’s Nitwits?


–Grand Central


Parapraxic Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: I had to swallow… The whole thing!

–9th Ave & 44th St

Big guy: Did I tell you? The other weekend I caught Jack’s sausage!

–Duane Reed, Jackson Heights
Queens


Overheard by: Mrs. LeClair

Girl, on firefighters packing equipment: Man, there’s a lot of hose out there!

–Hanover Square

Customer: If I’m going to pay 20 dollars for a piece of meat, the least they can do is give me something to wipe my face with.

–45th & Madison

Overheard by: madnyc

One mother to another, both pushing strollers: He just won’t suck on anything else!

–5th Ave between 8th & 9th St
Park Slope


Overheard by: Wankrupt

Dad instructing child: You kind of have to use your tongue to lap it up into your mouth.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: vm

Twelve-year-old girl on phone: There’s really a lake called Titty CaCa!

–8th Ave &16th St

Grandma’s Fresh-Baked Wednesday One-Liners

Little girl to people waiting to board plane: You want a grandma? We have hundreds of grandmas here.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: detective olivia benson

Grandma, about child running with others: He runs faster than… than a little shit.

–Alice in Wonderland Statue, Central Park

Mom to kid: Do you know that purse I stole from Grandma? Hide it. She’s coming over.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jeff

Grandma: If I was 50, boy, I’d be nifty. [Granddaughter stares blankly.] Yeah, if I was 50, I’d wear a leather bustiere.

–C train

Woman on payphone: I don’t care if Johnny was fucking his cousin, that don’t give you the right to steal your grandma’s credit cards!

–125th & Lex

Wednesday One-Liners Have Started Drinking Alone

Teacher: That’s a beautiful outfit! I forgot today was Culture Day — I would’ve come in drunk.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

JAP: I was so drunk, and the next day I woke up in an unmade bed!

–Times Square

NJ Transit conductor: We’re on the train goin’ to Dovah. This is a late-night train for the drunk college kids. If you miss your stop, that sucks — we ain’t goin’ back. In Dovah, it’s ovah.

–Penn Station

Chorus of drunks: Rehab sucks! Rehab sucks! Rehab sucks!

–Welcome to the Johnson’s, LES

Overheard by: Alexis

Large, loud lady dragging dirty hot pink suitcase to passerby: I’ve got a bottle of beer in one hand and a holy Bible in the other!

–W 39th & 8th

20-ish director type to others: Okay, I’m laying down the law for this show. Nobody drinks — none of the actors are allowed to drink before the show tomorrow. I can drink before the show, but none of the actors can drink before the show.

–Krain’s Theatre, E 4th & 2nd

Overheard by: could use a drink now

Tipsy dude: Either way, the test is coming back positive, so let’s get drunk.

–3rd & 12th

How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Center of a Wednesday One-Liner?

Chick: How am I supposed to exercise my authority when people are asking me, ‘Do you want to lick it?’?!

–Churrascaria Plataforma

Dude: I used the little bathroom in the back, and there was sauce all over the toilet. I wanted to lick it up.

–DiFara’s Pizzeria

Teen boy: Oh my god, Barrett Foa! He’s so hot… I want him to lick my vagina! Oh, my poor, crusty vagina…

–Stage door of Golden Theatre

Overheard by: Emo Barbie Julia

Hipster boy: I will climb down on those tracks and lick that third rail. I will lick it!

–L train

Overheard by: how many hot dogs?

Punk chick: Why are you so disgusted by licking other people’s eyeballs?

–17th Ave, Brooklyn

The Best Things in Life Are Wednesday-One-Liners

Thug: Why da hell should we tip her? We didn’t get nuthin fo’ free!

–Bubba Gumps

Overheard by: Gregorio

Man, reading newspaper: It’s the best kind of abuse! Free abuse!

–D train, 47th St

Overheard by: can i have some free abuse?

Girl: People are eating corn like it’s free out here!

–Union Square Farmer’s Market

Overheard by: Thompson

AM New York hawker on rainy day: Free paper! C’mon, free paper! Put it over your head!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Ben

Newspaper guy: Get your free Daily News. Find out why Whitney’s back on crack. Free Daily News!

–59th St subway

Overheard by: MRP

Man: It was a gigantic free cupcake. I think that if I didn’t take it, then thirty years from now, I’d feel stupid.

–Office, Broadway & 55th St

Overheard by: Paul

Guy: I need a deserted island. A free one!

–6th Ave & Waverly Place

Overheard by: Jim G

Like Shooting Wednesday One-Liners in a Barrel

Dude: My navel smells like fish.

–138th & Convent Ave

Overheard by: The City Planner

Thug: Yo, any saltwater fish — mad high maintenance!

–N train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Chick on cell: I mean, I don’t understand why he couldn’t just be supportive and eat the trout!

–83rd & 2nd

Dude, if I had gills, that’d be great. I’d be banging tons of mermaids.

–34th & Park

Man to female walking companion: We have so much in common! Do you also think that scallions are seafood?

–Broadway & Waverly

Overheard by: Rachel

These Wednesday One-Liners Are Not Yet Rated

Sixth grade boy reading list of movies to himself: Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Men in tights… Men in tights… I don’t know what the movie is about, but I like the title.

–Middle school, Park Slope

Angry dude: I can’t believe no place in all of New York City has this fucking movie. You can get anything in this city. Anything. If I wanted to get two midget strippers who’d let me do rails of coke off their asses tonight, I would be able to, but I can’t get this one fucking movie!

–St. Mark’s Pl

Hipster: I’m sorry, but there’s just never going to be a movie starring a midget.

–14th & 1st

Overheard by: Peter Dinklage, The Station Agent

Hipster dude: So I woke up, watched a movie, watched a movie, watched a movie, watched a movie, went out to the movies, came home, and watched another movie. I love movies. But then I had to sleep on my futon, and I woke up to a dog peeing on my head.

–R train

Asian chick to preggers friend: It would be so cool if your water broke during the movie.

–IMAX Theater

Overheard by: I don’t think it would be…