Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Lawyers on Speed-Dial

Old man on cell: Oh, God, I was drunk out of my mind. I was drunk, drunk, drunk… Yeah, I was so drunk I don’t even remember being arrested. I woke up and I was like, ‘Where the fuck am I?’

–Washington Square Park

Buff black guy to small black guy: Maybe you should go to jail to get your weight up.

–153rd & Edgecombe

Overheard by: DaHustler

Guy on bench to friend: There is no way you’re not going to jail tonight.

–Outside Whole Foods

Overheard by: Big Apple repeat offender – just visiting

Tough guy on cell: Man, what are you worried about? So what if they brought you in? It’s not assault if you didn’t use a weapon, right?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Chicagoan in NY for first time

Guy on cell: That would have been worse! Then I would have been resisting arrest at a black tie event!

–35th St, between 8th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Jason

One Flew Over the Wednesday One-Liner’s Nest

Teen: I just like popcorn, cake, and Pepsi, so my mind’s going crazy and I shake a lot…

–Chipotle, 33rd & 5th

Crazy girl on cell: … So he tells me I’m crazy. I’m not crazy! Why does he think I’m crazy?! There is no way I’m crazy! He’s crazy for thinking that!

–33rd & 6th

Angry black woman: Why are they taking pictures of the crazy man? Goddamn tourists! God damn them all!

–1 train station, Christopher St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Tourist woman: I think the only people that speak English here are the crazy people screaming obscenities on the streets.

–Mulberry & Broome

Chick on cell: Then again, who am I to talk about being crazy? I have a clove of garlic in my cooch!

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: McFreaky

The Happiest Wednesday One-Liners on Earth

Blonde: At least if I die on the tram I won’t have to go to Disney World.

–Tram from Roosevelt Island

Overheard by: Laura

Woman on cell: That’s kind of surreal to go from Disneyland to Scientologists.

–53rd & 5th

Middle-aged nerd, pointing to the Cyclone: I’ve ridden it over a hundred times, and every time the whole time I’m like this [puts both arms up over head]. It’s considered, you know, the cool, fun way to ride if you can do it the whole time. Most people can’t.

–Coney Island

Overheard by: Ace Montana

Old guy to two others: Over there is Brooklyn. Coney Island is there. It’s just like a Spanish Disney World.

–Vandam St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Katie Dearest

Queer: So last night, me and my friend were being all catty and talking about our friend who got a really good job… I was really jealous and pissed, but then I realized — she may have an awesome job, but she’s never been to Disney World. Then I felt better about the whole situation.

–NYU

Overheard by: Does Six Flags count?

Wednesday One-Liners Taste the Rainbow

Seven-year-old, looking around: Mommy, is this a gay place?

–Columbus Circle Mall

Deadpan guy: Just for future reference, when you have gay sex in a bathroom stall, you might wanna put paper bags over your feet so people don’t see two pairs of male feet under the door and catch on… I’m just saying.

–Wagner College

Overheard by: Zabet

Fat chick: Gay sex makes everything better.

–Nederlander Theatre

Scruffy college student to friend: So, I told my parents I was gay… Then they told me I was adopted.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: ramona

Old Asian woman, smiling after reading tabloid cover: He is not gay!

–Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th

Overheard by: I still think he is :-/, BiTCHESSSS!!

Wednesday One-Liners Would Never Call It “Vay-Kay”

Dude: Maybe I’ll just go on vacation with my left hand.

–67th & Columbus

Overheard by: Meli

Teen tourist on cell: I’m on vacation — I’m allowed to be a slut!

–Times Square

Trinidadian conductor on PA: This is Broadway-Nassau/Fulton Street. Transfer on the upper level for 2-3-4-5, J, M and Z… And please keep in mind that this time tomorrow, I’ll be landin’ in Trinidad in the sun, hahaha!

–A train

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Conductor: Just remember that on Sunday, I’ll be on my way to Acapulco! Ho, ho, ho! Did you ever see Santa in short pants and a t-shirt?

–A train

Overheard by: amc

Girl to friends: Yeah, so, you know how I was obsessed with my ex, right? So, he totally doesn’t know this, but one time when he was on vacation with his family, I broke into his house, looked through all his stuff for like three hours, and then took a huge dump in his parents’ bathroom and peaced.

–Grand Central

Worker to another: Wear something non-flammable when you go on vacation.

–Tiffany & Co.

The Jabberwocky’s Wednesday One-Liners

20-ish guy to friends: Talk about sweat — I never swat so much in my life!

–Bleecker & MacDougal

Blonde: I’m not a naysayer! I’m not! I’m a yes-sayer… An ambiguous answer-sayer…

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Bimbette: Oh my god, I was dramatized! I couldn’t even look at him.

–Staten Island Ferry

Suit: I just walked into Barnes and Nizzle to take a wizzle.

–Barnes & Noble, 22nd St

Guy to friend: If the Yankees win the first two, it’ll be a swept.

–Rockefeller Center

Paint department clerk to customer: Do you want interior or outerior?

–Home Depot, Brooklyn

Supermarket cashier: I was actually valedictorian in high school, and I wore four-inch heels to graduation. And surprise, surprise — I falled.

–Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Wednesday’s Too Sexy for Its One-Liners

Thug: Yo, baby! You so sexy! You look just like Ugly Betty!

–26th & Lex

Overheard by: Myrtle

Wandering popcorn vendor : Popcorn! Get your sexy popcorn here!

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Mets Fan

Ghetto mom to young sons: Where my sexy glasses at?!

–W 96th St & Central Park West

Overheard by: Megan W.

Teen thugette: You know who sexy? Mickey Mouse. That nigga sexy!

–Q11 bus, Queens

Jogger: I’m checking out my shadow to see how long my hair is in the back — it’s fuckin’ sexy!

–Central Park

Man: I love sexy cheese. I love sexy cheese!

–Outside Fordham University

Overheard by: …sexy cheese?

Wednesday One-Liners: The Musical

Crackhead singing to another: You don’t bring me flowerrrs anymorrre.

–Starbucks, W 4th & Grove

Drunk guy crossing street: No touching, ladies… I’m saving myself for divorce. [Sings] Iii’m saving myself for divorrrce!

–36th & Broadway

Conductor: Next stop, New York, New York. [Singing] New York, New York, oh what a beautiful city — New York, New York! [Speaking normally] Penn Station is next, folks.

–NJ Transit

Man running down subway stairwell, singing: At least it’s snowing!

–79th & Broadway

Overheard by: it wasn’t snowing

Girl, singing: I love tweeeed!

–Century 21

Man on bus, singing: I want a vagina for Christmas.

–92nd & 3rd

Brunette, singing: You put the sushi in your coochie and you turn yourself around — that’s what it’s all about!

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ladle

Wednesday One-Liners Ain’t Shit but Hos and Tricks

Queer: If a song starts with, ‘It’s Britney, bitch!’ you kind of expect it to be good!

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Um, You do?

Girl: Why you call me a bitch? I’m Nigerian!

–NYU bus

Overheard by: sjhaughty

Thug on cell: You a bitch! You afraid to shower!

–42nd St

Overheard by: Brian Libido

Three-year-old WASP, entering room: Welcome to this bitch!

–Supercuts, St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Leo

Kid running ahead of exhausted mom: Run, bitch! Run!

–Prince St & W Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Everything but the Bikini Wax

Queer: I just want to work on my arms. I don’t need to bother with abs — I’ll just spray them on.

–New York Sports Club, 23rd St

Lady in elevator to grandma with walker: That M.A.C Stuff is like spackle! It stays on for hours!

–Macy’s

Overheard by: nuck

Columbia co-ed: I always put on makeup when I’m drunk. It’s such a bad idea!

–114th St & Broadway

Overheard by: tired of Morningside Heights

Young girl: Mom, can I get my Social Studies teacher a gift? I’ma get her some lotion, ’cause she mad ashy! Yo, I ain’t even lyin’. I ain’t even lyin’…

–Steinway St, Astoria

Ghetto chick hanging up cell angrily: Great! He gone messed up my day! Now I’m definitely getting my hair and nails did!

–Wendy’s, 34th & 8th

Overheard by: Jesus Jon