JHS kid: Man, your mother’s so ugly, she’s only been married once. –Boerum Hill Baby carriage woman on cell: …and then I had to have 7 stitches on my labia… –19th between 5th & 6th Girl: So I’m like, “How are you going to call me a bitch in front of my grandma? What the fuck is that, Mom?” –NYU Brittany Hall elevator Overheard by: Andrei Alupului Man: Oh yeah, so her mother was this great shopper. See what she would do is she would find something nice for 10 bucks and she’d cut off all the buttons and then she’d go to the return department… –H&H Bagels, Broadway & 80th Overheard by: Sophia Girl: His mom called me up so drunk at 1 in the morning today, but somehow I really wasn’t that surprised. –Juilliard cafeteria Drunk girl: He was always trying to make out with Mom, and I was like, “Jeez, give somebody else a turn…” –Union Pool, Williamsburg Overheard by: Joe Chick: So my mother sits me down and goes, “I met these two girls who were former Miss Vermonts.” Anyways, she thought I should be the next Miss Vermont. Something about scholarships to school. And I’m like, well, we don’t even live in Vermont… –N train Woman on cell: If I had $35 million, Mother, then I would buy a car and drive home! –13th & 4th
Protestant street preacher with mic: You’re going down the Broadway to Hell.
–42nd & 8th
Subway preacher: When you buy a tree and put that in your house, and when you put all the presents under the tree, that’s all for Satan, not for Jesus. One day I was thinking about how the name Santa looks familiar, and I’m thinking to myself, Goddammit… No, wait, sorry. I’m thinking to myself, Santa… No, that’s Satan. You see? They kept the S but they just changed all the rest of the letters around.
–Brooklyn-bound C train
Overheard by: P. Mills
Suit on cell: The only thing is, she’s so innocent. I need someone to curse at me and spit in my face. I need some rough, yelling-at-each-other sex. I’m like Satan and she’s the Virgin Mary.
–Metro-North train, Grand Central
Hardhat: I don’t know if I’m going to heaven; I don’t know if I’m going to hell… All I know is I have to change at Jamaica.
Overheard by: Rob
Yuppie woman talking to herself: The devil is a liar — a fucking liar!
–Outside Lincoln Plaza Theatre
Overheard by: SLC kid
Teacher: I’m going to burn in Hell for this… Wait! I’m Jewish! I don’t believe in Hell! I’m not going to burn! Yay!
–Hunter College High
Conductor: This Eighth Avenue-bound L train is now an express train to Eighth Avenue because a couple of you are idiots who thought holding the doors would get you where you’re going faster. I hope this teaches you all a lesson.
Conductor: Please do not hold the closing doors! [Fifteen seconds later] Fine, hold the doors! I’m already at work!
Overheard by: On-Nee-Mall
Indian MTA employee: Please do not hold the doors… [Slightly agitated] Please do not hold the doors! [Very agitated] Are you so stupid! Only someone stupid would hold the doors!
Conductor: Do you people realize that there are 30 doors on this train? Must you all do a conga line in front of one of them?! Don’t you need music for that?!
Conductor: Stop holding the doors! You hold the doors open and the train doesn’t run smoothly! And this is the only train in the city that works!
Overheard by: EthanK
Woman standing in front of a painting by Jackson Pollock: … And he just took the paint and schmootchka’d it all around, and people went, ‘Oooh!’
Hippie girl about public art: So… Do, like… all countries have statues?
Overheard by: old school
Art student: I could never date someone who doesn’t understand expressionism. I would rather die.
–12th & Ave B
Bimbette looking at gigantic marble head: Do you think the men were really this big, or the artist just made it look like that?
Overheard by: Jingles
Guy, about his art: I could use a tarp. I like the thingness of the tarp, but I don’t want to overdo it.
Overheard by: sweetchuck
Woman on cell, joyfully: You’re my new craft project!
–102nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Cisi
20-ish chick on cell: But how can I be getting old? I just gave someone an over-the-pants handjob at a bar last night!
Overheard by: Ladle
Bimbette on cell: … So I got downstairs and realized I wasn’t wearing pants!
Overheard by: yeah happens all the time
Old lady to teen boy: … And so you wear girl pants?!
–10th & 5th
Overheard by: Steph
20-ish chick to dad: I don’t have Alzheimer’s — I just wear the pants.
Overheard by: Kerry
Loud high school girl: She stood at the subway and was like, ‘Could I have two dollars for a metro card?’ And that’s how she bought a new pair of pants. She told [our teacher] that’s how she bought a new pair of pants, but I’m pretty sure it was for bud. She said it was for pants… But it was for bud.
–Manhattan-bound R train
Overheard by: Maggie
Well-dressed old lady: He wants to go somewhere, too — into your pants! Okay, that was childish.
Overheard by: Ladle
Hipster girl to another: Yeah, everyone has a crush on him, but he’s got halitosis. And a concave chest!
Hipster chick to friend: Whoa. I just felt totally suffocated by capitalist society.
Hipster in rainbow moonboots: So I say to this girl as I’m roofie-ing her juice box…
Overheard by: eliza
Hipster chick on cell: Hello? Hey! Guess what? I found my underwear!
Overheard by: Aria Grillo
Hipster: I mean, you can’t just rock a sombrero and think that it’s cool.
–6th & 10th
Overheard by: El
Hipster chick to tourist friends: … And across the street is where Albert Greenberg lived for a while.
–E 2nd St, across street from Allen Ginsberg’s former walkup
Overheard by: midtown_strangler
Hipster chick: I wanna create a website: Nine-Eleven — get over it.
Overheard by: Hurtz donit
Disgruntled suit on cell: I know how to pee! — Venti decaf frappucino — I’ve been doing it since I was born!
–Starbucks, Spring & Crosby
Overheard by: Mistress Silver
Girl to friend: … And then he just started peeing in front of all of us. Everyone else ran away except for me!
–St. Mark’s & 2nd
Overheard by: that’s the whole point of galoshes, right?
Whiny guy: I don’t mind getting into a pissing contest so long as I’ve got my stick!
–Boulevard Tavern, Greepoint
Chick meeting friends: Guys, don’t tell Jim this, but I just peed in between two subway cars on a moving train on the way here.
–Regal cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Amazed that this is physically possible
Guy to buddy: I probably got the cleanest fucking urine in that whole building!
–Rector St & Trinity Pl
Overheard by: Benjie
Screaming man on cell: How many times do I have to tell you?! Do not piss on the street! Do not shit on the street! Do you hear me?!
–7th Ave, between 28th & 29th
Rich lady: I bought this outfit for myself to make up for my miserable youth.
–Union Square West
Overheard by: Zac
Yuppie to toddler sitting on friend’s lap: … And the benefit of wearing Nike clothing is that it’s made by children not much older than you.
Overheard by: Ardbeg78
Trendy chick: I can’t go to places like Forever 21 and Urban Outfitters ’cause they study and watch me on camera, ripping off my style.
–Bar, 14th St & Ave B
Overheard by: Karl Karlson
Girl: Trench coats are never a good sign.
–M14D bus, 1st Ave
Overheard by: melanie
Loud queer to friend: Ummm, do you know where I can get some Lycra spandex leopard-print leggings?
Overheard by: S
Man: If you wanna have lunch, you’ve got to have lunch here, whether it’s Chinese or Subway.
Overheard by: Aahlixx
Little boy: Does all Chinese food come from Chinatown?
Woman: It’s like listening to an Arab speaking Spanish talking about the Chinese.
Overheard by: Bluto
Tourist: The Chinese are notorious for blurring the line between pet and soup.
Queen picking up delivery: Damn, I hate dealing with these Chinese people, they never be understanding English good!
–Fordham dorms, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: I don’t understand you either
Ghetto guy: Sushi is real Chinese food.
–23rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: John Wu
Hipster Chinese girl on cell: Americans have too much freedom. Yes, too much freedom.
–52nd & Madison
Father to daughter: Girl, whatchu doing? You tryin’a go to cross the bridge? You tryin’a go to Brooklyn? You want some cheesecake? Some crack? –Centre St & Park Row Overheard by: Barry P. NYU social planner: I wanted to get all the freshmen out of the city for a little so I took them to Brooklyn. –Main Building, NYU Girl on cell: I’m not going to Brooklyn sober! –12th & Broadway Woman on cell: So are you in town this weekend or in Brooklyn? –39th & 8th Overheard by: The Lovely Miss Katie Chick: Do you know the rules for being in Brooklyn? –Law office, 54th & 5th Overheard by: The legal intern Bill Batson: It’s like the Native Americans all over again. Brooklynites, we’re indigenous. And now Manhattan wants Manifest Destiny. –Vanderbilt & Dekalb, Fort Greene, Brooklyn Overheard by: Larissa Kyzer Little boy: I’m not going to Brooklyn! It’s stupid! –110th & Broadway