Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Didn’t Ask to Be Born

Mom to son in stroller: Shut up! You want everything! Life isn’t like that!

–Staten Island ferry

Lady, pushing a stroller: My parents always used to say they were going to run away because we were so awful.

–Washington Square

Man: Yo, I got to tell my son to start selling weed now!

–56th St, between 5th Ave & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Caroline

Mom: Honey, if I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t keep buying you things.

–Bleecker St & Broadway

Mom hits kid in stroller.

Little kid: Fuck you, you fucking bitch!

–Pizza place, 14th St

Century 21 employee: And there was this Asian lady with her kid on a leash… A leash!

–Century 21

Overheard by: C21shopper

Bimbette, pointing to toddler in stroller: That’s how I met this motherfucker’s father!

–98th St & Broadway

Overheard by: shocked and appalled

Wednesday One-Liners Will See You at the Ren Fair

Woman: She had sex with a dragon. She had sex with a dragon! I keep seeing her and wantin’ to ask, “Yo, how’s the dragon?” –Ollie’s, 69th & Broadway Overheard by: Nick Draven Virgin-For-Life on cell: Did you vanquish the dragon?…Yo, I told you to vanquish the dragon! Dumb ass nigga. Damn. –Gristedes, West Village Overheard by: KoryD Nanny to little boy: I think each country must have its own Tooth Fairy. –5th & President, Park Slope Overheard by: b Hipster on cell: It’s cooler, and you’re a vampire. Ok, I get it. –6th St & 1st Ave

Wednesday One-liners Have Their Priorities Straight

Three JHS boys pass a woman in a tight t-shirt and mini-skirt talking on her cell. One stares slack-jawed, then says to his buddies: Wow! That was the new Motorola. –79th Street between Columbus & Amsterdam Guy: As soon as I get my unemployment check, I’m going to buy a new TV. –Penn Station Woman on cell: I lost my sunglasses and I have cancer. –34th & Madison Overheard by: Lisa Boy, 8: Look Mom! I think Daddy likes the Hummer more than you. –Astoria Overheard by: Adam Kraemer Guy on pay phone: I haven’t decided if I prefer the smell of fresh urine or stale urine. I’ll let you know. –Hotel Edison, West 47th Street Guy: I told you what my goal is: to be lazy. 20 years from now, I want to be lazy. –St. Mark’s Place between 2nd & 3rd

Wednesday One-Liners, Red in Tooth and Claw

Fashionista to two others: Yeah, but like, what are we going to do with a dead horse?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Brooke

Woman: I lived in a mud hut with rabid bats — I think I cashed in my JAP card.

–Bushwick

Chick to guy: They get to pick out the puppies and kitties that they like the best, and they get to take them for the night. And, if they get killed, they just have to replace them. Isn’t that great?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl to boyfriend: With the amount you spend on little turtles, I think you could buy yourself a suit.

–Columbia University

Sailor to another: What do you know about anything ‘cept cuttin’ up squid and takin’ it to bed with you?!

–Hudson & Perry

Saucy chick: The worst I ever got fucked was by a horse named ‘Hunt.’

–16th & 1st

Overheard by: Karin

Wednesday One-liners Just Promote Stereotypes

Chick on cell: Yeah, I’ll put a tarp down, but everyone spraypaints on the roof. There’s graffiti all over it ’cause it’s the ghetto. There’s crackheads everywhere, so no one’s going to care about some little White girl with a spray can. –7 train Overheard by: Ani Sin Thug kid: Yo man, Welsh is the place to be. They drink as much as the Irish, but they don’t got the rep for it yet. –Times Square Overheard by: Pegs Landing Latina: My sister married a Puerto Rican, my brother married a Puerto Rican, I don’t wanna marry no Puerto Rican. I wanna step up–marry some White guy. –42nd & 3rd Crazy Black man: I ain’t sucking on Whitey’s balls! Are you? I ain’t playin with Whitey’s dick! Are you? –Union Square Guy: I’ve never seen an English porn. It’s probably bad teeth and fish
‘n chips and stuff. –27th Street office Man on cell: Do you hear all this noise? You’d never hear people honking their horns like that in Singapore…it’s considered to be insulting! –23rd & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Everything but the Bikini Wax

Queer: I just want to work on my arms. I don’t need to bother with abs — I’ll just spray them on.

–New York Sports Club, 23rd St

Lady in elevator to grandma with walker: That M.A.C Stuff is like spackle! It stays on for hours!

–Macy’s

Overheard by: nuck

Columbia co-ed: I always put on makeup when I’m drunk. It’s such a bad idea!

–114th St & Broadway

Overheard by: tired of Morningside Heights

Young girl: Mom, can I get my Social Studies teacher a gift? I’ma get her some lotion, ’cause she mad ashy! Yo, I ain’t even lyin’. I ain’t even lyin’…

–Steinway St, Astoria

Ghetto chick hanging up cell angrily: Great! He gone messed up my day! Now I’m definitely getting my hair and nails did!

–Wendy’s, 34th & 8th

Overheard by: Jesus Jon

Wednesday One-Liners Sit around the House

Teen: When I was young and fat I used to dream about scooping out my fat with a teaspoon. I was a deeply disturbed child.

–C train

Hobo: I had a wife! She was 389 pounds and had three stomachs. Now, I know a man never runs from his wife, but after a night with her — call me what you want — but I ran.

–C train

Little girl: All ugly and fat people should be banned from the train.

–4 train

Hipster: Have you ever seen a fat girl in spandex on weed?

–Union Square

Chubby teen chick: Bacon and soda, that’s my fucking bread and butter!

–14th & 1st

Overheard by: Bread and butter, that’s my fucking bread and butter

Fat lady eating pizza: Well, you know, I figured this was just as good as a salad…

–JFK

Overheard by: Wondering

Wednesday One-Liners File Jointly

Man in Rangers shirt: … And that’s when we realized that she married Satan.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: rosemary’s baby

Homeless guy yelling at everyone: Paul McCartney, you so rich, why you marry a woman with one leg? You could buy yourself one with two legs easily. Easily, dammit.

–E/V station, 53rd & 5th

Professor: Marriage is a state institution. It’s not a voluntary love-fest.

–Silver Center, Washington Square

Balding suit on cell: No, no, it was a phase… And I would know, right? No, I’m telling you, he’s just confused… He’s a kid! And anyway, he’s married now… No, he’ll be fine.

–Citarella, W 9th St

Dude: Sitting here eating these Nerds is the best day of my life, ever. Well, this and my wedding day.

–Landmark Sunshine Cinema, Houston St

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Wednesday One-Liners Get Around

Girl on cell: It doesn’t matter how many people I’ve had sex with…If I can remember each of their names, then it isn’t a lot. –32nd & Broadway Overheard by: Tommy Girl on cell: You had a threesome with the mayor of what? –144th & Broadway Overheard by: McFreaky NYU boy: Pear applesauce, strawberry applesauce, banana applesauce. God, it’s like the apples did every other fruit in the garden! –Food Emporium, Union Square Dude: And after the party, everyone gets innoculated and takes the morning after pill. –Taj Mahal, 6th St between 1st & 2nd Overheard by: lish Woman: The problem is that men are paradoxically both a reason to be celibate and to have large amounts of sex. –140th & Broadway