Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Reach Out and Touch Someone

Hot chick: My phone has finally learned to spell ‘cock’ and ‘anal’! I’m so proud!

–King’s Head Tavern, 14th St

Overheard by: Argopelter

Girl on cell: Listen, you in Rikers — you lucky you ain’t get three years! … And you stayin’ there, ’cause I ain’t bailin’ you out… Oh, whatever — if I didn’t care about you, I wouldn’t be usin’ my daytime minutes.

–W train, Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: Juan Moment

Chick on cell: I am your phone sex Yoda! Come, my young padawan! Come!

–Steinway & Ditmars

Overheard by: using the force

Cross-eyed JAP on cell: No, seriously, it’s not my phone. I think there’s something wrong with my chin.

–Times Square

Overheard by: NathAnonymous

Are Your Wednesday One-Liners Tingling?

Professor: So, let’s return to the topic of male nipples for a moment.

–Sophomore seminar, Bard High School Early College

JAP on cell: … So I picked up and was like, ‘Hello?’ and she was all, ‘Come on, we’re going to get our nipples pierced.’ And I was like, ‘Oh. Um, okay.’

–49th & 7th

Biker chick: You don’t understand! You don’t understand that I can’t feel my nipples right now!

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Overheard by: Gemma

Tough guy to another: We all bang. We love each other. So what if I pinched your nipples?! What’s the big deal? I pinched your nipples!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Jim Conroy

Girl on cell: At the gallery, a woman offered me her nipple covers. She was like, ‘Hey, do you want my nipple covers?’ … Yeah, it’s been that kind of day.

–Stuyvesant Town

Shake That Wednesday One-Liner! Watch Yo’self!

Ghetto girl to booty-smacking friends who knocked into passerby: Damn, girl! See what happens when you got a big ass? Innocent bystanders get hit!

–7 train

Overheard by: bill R

Young guy: I don’t know names, I just know booties and faces.

–11th St Pier

Truck driver to old lady standing off curb: Back that ass up!

–Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: Christine

Hobo to girl in striped spandex leggings: Ummm… Um, that’s some ass. I wish I could develop lockjaw and never let go!

–E 5th St, between 1st & 2nd

Middle-aged guy: … And so she’s like, ‘Why do you want a house in the Hamptons when you have a house in the city?’ Why? Because I can’t look at fine ass in the city.

–Chinatown

Overheard by: Rosie

Decent, Churchgoing Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on phone: Look, motherfucker — I’ll wear what I want to church on Sunday.

–Restaurant, 46th St

Black woman: Yeah, chips and soda for a dollar! That’s one church I won’t go back to.

–F train

Overheard by: Kevin Z

Guy on cell: I don’t need to fucking hear that at home! That’s what I’ve got church for!

–Broome & Allen

Mother to small daughter outside St. Patrick’s: Stop crying — I know it looks more like a haunted house than a church.

–St. Patrick’s Cathedral, 5th Ave

Black dude: Nigga, nuns ain’t real.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Gabriel

The Rich Get Richer While the Poor Get Wednesday One-Liners

NYU fashionista: Oh my god — I am, like, so poor that my parents might sell my horse!

–Washington Square Park

Hipster girl: He grew up in a neighborhood so poor his purebred dog got stolen!

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Confused hippie: Wait, Mexicans carry Louis Vuitton bags? I thought that they were poor. Isn’t that why we’re supposed to feel sorry for them?

–Alligator Lounge, Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Salvation Army bell ringer: Donate money for the poor! Do something good for once in your life!

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Katrina

Lady in fur coat to friend without one: Just go to Mexico — you won’t feel so poor there.

–Leaving Henri Bendel, 5th Ave

Counterfeit Wednesday One-Liners

Tourist on cell: So, what do you want me to bring you back from NYC? A fake Louis Vuitton bag? Or fake Chanel perfume?

–57th & 7th

Bimbette: I just don’t have the energy to have a fake conversation.

–LIRR

Overheard by: tired

Large black man laughing to self: They thought I was a fake doughnut.

–1 train

Overheard by: Craig

Offended girl: Look at this fake snow! It mocks us! Fuck you, fake snow!

–Houston & Bowery

Overheard by: In complete agreement

The Public Immodesty of Wednesday One-Liners

Teen girl on cell: Yeah, I mean, I totally don’t get what your mom’s problem is. I mean, it covers your vagina!

–109th & CPW

Overheard by: Harris Mercer

NYU girl: I wore this to a party the other night, and I thought, ‘Slut, slut slut.’ But then I looked around…

–W 4th & MacDougal

Overheard by: Martin Johnson

Fat Caribbean woman to another: Oh, girls’ skirts today! My daughter — her skirt was so short you could see what she had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!

–5 train

B&T girl to another: Now I have to go home and pick out an outfit to cheat on my boyfriend with for tomorrow night.

–14th & 9th

Overheard by: DocThomp

Teen girl on cell: … Something slutty. … What are you going to wear?

–Union Square Holiday Market

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Lawyers on Speed-Dial

Old man on cell: Oh, God, I was drunk out of my mind. I was drunk, drunk, drunk… Yeah, I was so drunk I don’t even remember being arrested. I woke up and I was like, ‘Where the fuck am I?’

–Washington Square Park

Buff black guy to small black guy: Maybe you should go to jail to get your weight up.

–153rd & Edgecombe

Overheard by: DaHustler

Guy on bench to friend: There is no way you’re not going to jail tonight.

–Outside Whole Foods

Overheard by: Big Apple repeat offender – just visiting

Tough guy on cell: Man, what are you worried about? So what if they brought you in? It’s not assault if you didn’t use a weapon, right?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Chicagoan in NY for first time

Guy on cell: That would have been worse! Then I would have been resisting arrest at a black tie event!

–35th St, between 8th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Jason

One Flew Over the Wednesday One-Liner’s Nest

Teen: I just like popcorn, cake, and Pepsi, so my mind’s going crazy and I shake a lot…

–Chipotle, 33rd & 5th

Crazy girl on cell: … So he tells me I’m crazy. I’m not crazy! Why does he think I’m crazy?! There is no way I’m crazy! He’s crazy for thinking that!

–33rd & 6th

Angry black woman: Why are they taking pictures of the crazy man? Goddamn tourists! God damn them all!

–1 train station, Christopher St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Tourist woman: I think the only people that speak English here are the crazy people screaming obscenities on the streets.

–Mulberry & Broome

Chick on cell: Then again, who am I to talk about being crazy? I have a clove of garlic in my cooch!

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: McFreaky

The Happiest Wednesday One-Liners on Earth

Blonde: At least if I die on the tram I won’t have to go to Disney World.

–Tram from Roosevelt Island

Overheard by: Laura

Woman on cell: That’s kind of surreal to go from Disneyland to Scientologists.

–53rd & 5th

Middle-aged nerd, pointing to the Cyclone: I’ve ridden it over a hundred times, and every time the whole time I’m like this [puts both arms up over head]. It’s considered, you know, the cool, fun way to ride if you can do it the whole time. Most people can’t.

–Coney Island

Overheard by: Ace Montana

Old guy to two others: Over there is Brooklyn. Coney Island is there. It’s just like a Spanish Disney World.

–Vandam St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Katie Dearest

Queer: So last night, me and my friend were being all catty and talking about our friend who got a really good job… I was really jealous and pissed, but then I realized — she may have an awesome job, but she’s never been to Disney World. Then I felt better about the whole situation.

–NYU

Overheard by: Does Six Flags count?