Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Smooth As a Wednesday One-Liner’s Bottom

Girl: So, I saw this woman using her baby as a weapon, and I was like, ‘I don’t think you should be using your baby like a weapon.’

–LIRR

Overheard by: Gaby

Woman on cell with her man: Daaamn! Your baby-mama be cock-blockin’.

–F train

Girl: I don’t want AIDS, I just want his baby!

–Queens

Blue collar Yankees fan about father’s car, to friends: I never did nothing to that car… ‘cept I burned a cigarette hole in the seat. I did do that. But nothin’ else. I drove that car like a baby.

–E train

Overheard by: John G

Preggers on cell: I’m in labor right now, but it’s okay because I told the baby that they have to wait a while. I still need to eat, and I want to take my time and enjoy this meal. Any child of mine can come after.

–Ecco, Chambers St

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Stomach Humble Pie

Lady suit at lunch: Actually, I prefer people who are just like me.

–Lower East Side

30-something: Everyone knows my name, and I know everyone’s name.

–Herald Square

Overheard by: acep

20-ish guy looking at reflection in elevator mirror: This is why I love elevators — I get to look at myself. I am so hot. Have you ever realized how hot I am? Yeah, I’m really hot. [Leans in and kisses his reflection.]

–AMA Building, 48th & Broadway

Overheard by: Heather

Guy getting off train: The king is leaving!

–R train

Overheard by: peace out, your highness

Crotchety Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: You know what I did?! Grabbed my crotch once… Boom!

–Broadway & Prince

Overheard by: amused

Guy: … And then he shoved his crotch in my face and yelled, ‘Does this prove something?!’

–Rare, Bleecker St

Overheard by: Keezles

Blond guy: I had my head in that guy’s crotch so many times today. It was nuts.

–Coral Towers

Overheard by: No Pun Intended

Queer to fag hag: I don’t think he would mind so much that some Asian guy was fondling my crotch as much as he would be worried about the fact that I accepted a ride with a stranger.

–Urban Outfitters, Union Square

Overheard by: Mikey D. Wong

Small, unattended child, singing: Fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch!

–Columbia University

Who’s Your Wednesday One-Liner?

Rich girl on cell: Three thousand for a one bedroom?! … That’s fine. I’m mad at my dad anyway.

–Q train to Coney Island

Guy to buddy: My father was a virgin the first time he had sex!

–86th & Park

Overheard by: you sure he still isnt?

JAP on cell: No, I’m not texting him back! I was more impressed by his father’s West Village brownstone than the sex we had in it.

–79th & Park

Overheard by: vibrant

Dude: Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? My belly button, thank you!

–Bronx-bound 2 train

Overheard by: Niv

Woman on cell: Ah, but you are the father of many things, just as I am the mother of many things.

–26th & Park Ave South

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Big guy with Puerto Rican flag do-rag and huge stuffed animal, to small child: Don’tchu breaka my big Tweety. You breaka my big Tweety, I kill ju father.

–Coney Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: tommy z

Mangy, Flea-Bitten Wednesday One-Liners

Lady on cell: So, I don’t know if I should get a coffee table or a dog…

–Stanton & Essex

Woman, about her dog: No, no one ever asks me if he’s ugly. I think he’s the most beautiful dog in the world. In fact, he looks exactly like Humphrey Bogart!

–25th & 7th

Asian chick on cell: … Haha, yeah… Well, I hope so! I mean, I had to sell my dog for it…

–107th & Broadway

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

Hipster girl to another: We should mate your dog with my cat.

–Hanover Square & Water St

Guy in puffy coat to NYU student: Hey, you — you wanna buy a puppy? [Opens coat revealing puppy.] It’s cheap.

–Union Square

Overheard by: The Meganator

The Excited Titter of Wednesday One-Liners

Tech director: I don’t need dirty, rusty, random screws.

–Lincoln Center Institute

Overheard by: Brina

Excitable Islamic Studies professor: … And what happened when the woodcutter spoke to Mohammed? Yes! He gave him wood! This man, he gave Mohammed wood! And why could only this man give Mohammed wood? Just because he was a woodcutter? No! And do you know what happened when this man gave Mohammed wood? Mohammed’s wood exploded into flowers! Yes!

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: amelia

Man on conference call speakerphone: Our card penetration was not what we expected from the district. Lucy*, can you tell everyone how you got such good penetration at your store this month?

–The Gap, Queens

Conductor: No! No doors in my rear! Not in my rear!

–A train, Broadway Junction

Overheard by: amused

Grandmother tourist to granddaughter: Wanna grab a pole, Lacey?

–6 train, 51st St

Overheard by: With a name like that……

Chick on cell: I sat on a Camelback’s nipple, and now my ass is wet.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Woman with big bag squeezing past for a seat: Sorry — once I’m in, you won’t even feel me.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Rebecca

Wednesday One-Liners Blame It on the Dog

Clerk: A fart is just a preview of your shit.

–Urban Outfitters dressing room, 6th Ave

Overheard by: NYMD

Frat boy: When she put the six pineapples in her twat, none of us thought she was gonna be able to do it. And then when she farted, there was a cucumber up her butt!

–3rd St, between Ave A & Ave B

Overheard by: Margaret Cho’s Little Sister

Fart noise occurs twice.

Woman sheepishly looking into purse, to crowd: My kid put that ringtone on my cell, and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

–109th & 3rd

Guy running out of school: Oh, thank God — thank you, Lord! Thank you so much! [Lets out immense fart.] Christ, I’ve been holding that in since lunch!

–Outside Bard High School Early College, East Houston St

Girl on cell: You know when you have to fart really bad, but you can’t because, y’know, you might shart? That’s me right now. That’s me.

–9th & Broadway

Gassy man: I hope people are enjoying the warmth from my fart!

–Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Still Don’t Understand Crocs

Woman on cell: Well, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to ask me what I’m wearing… Really short shorts and a long shirt.

–69th St & Columbus

Lady on cell: The outfit that I really want only works with beer bottles.

–Duane Reade, 111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy to girlfriend, about drunk guys dressing up in thrift store: … And you know one of those guys is going to wake up tomorrow and be like, ‘Why am I wearing a kimono?!’

–9th & 3rd

Hipster girl: So, that club she got turned away from? It was for not having on two pieces of corduroy clothing. You know what kind of club that is? A club full of poorly-dressed people.

–Curly’s Vegetarian Lunch

Overheard by: magical-newyork.blogspot.com

Dude: I don’t know. I just feel like her face is going out of style, you know what I mean?

–27th & 7th

Just the Nicest Wednesday One-Liners You’d Ever Hope to Find

Dude: You really are a nice guy, and it’s a good thing you’re such a nice guy, because if you weren’t, you’d totally be an asshole.

–Lobby of Le Parker Meridien

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl: Oh my god, she’s so nice. She’s a chiropractor and a stripper!

–F train stop, Park Slope

Guy on cell: Yeah, it was nice. I had a real nice time… Yup, she was cremated.

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: kdice

Guy on cell: I know! I know! It’s like getting laid! It’s like getting laid! I mean, like, you’re having a nice dinner, you have a nice wine, but like, is she gonna drop her skirt? You can’t tell yet if she’s gonna drop her skirt!

–Outside Grand Central

Overheard by: Sarah

20-ish girl to friend: Thank you! You’re such a nice person. Except when you’re hungry.

–23rd & 7th

Wednesday One-Liners Died for Our Sins

Hipster: So I was walking down the street, and I saw Jesus, and then I was like, ‘Hey, how’s it going, Jesus?’

–Union Square

Overheard by: Kanad

Subway preacher: The ocean is full of water. Jesus changed water into wine. It’s all good. Michael Jackson called it ‘Jesus Juice.’

–Rockefeller Plaza subway

Overheard by: G-Lime

Queer: I replaced my imaging of Jesus as a transvestite serial killer to an image of Jesus as a militaristic terrorist…

–1 train

Queer to another: I think Jesus loves Halloween.

–23rd St, between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: adam

20-ish guy: Let me get this straight — it’s spelled like ‘Jesus,’ but it’s pronounced ‘Hey-Seuss’? That’s just weird.

–49th & 8th

Overheard by: JoBell

Bible thumper: Ladies, you may see a handsome man and think to yourself, ‘I want him to be my sugar daddy.’ Oh, yes! And he becomes your sugar daddy, and he takes you to Macy’s and he buys you a crock pot. Oh, yes! But then later he beats you with that crock pot. Oh, yes! Then you realize that it is not he who is your sugar daddy, it is really Jesus Christ who is your sugar daddy! Oh, yes!

–4 train