Nurse to hobo next to her: Aw, hell no! You fucking stink! [She pulls out a can of air freshener and hoses him down.] –A train Asian kid to another: It’s hard and watery, and if my pockets reek of ass, I’ma kill you! –D train, Brooklyn Overheard by: sitting behind them Little boy: Now I know why it smells like urine everywhere! –Central Park Man: It smells like an STD in here. –E train Irish lad: A man’s baseball cap should always stink a wee bit. –U-Haul rental place, Broadway Overheard by: Kerry
Tourist girl: We’re here! Wow, this is it!
Tourist mother: No, I don’t think it is. This isn’t the Soup Nazi!…You, where’s the Soup Nazi? –Daily Soup, 54th Street Girl: I’ve never been to that restaurant, I hear it’s nice.
Guy: Yeah, it’s got its own Nazi charm to it. –30th & Lexington office Southern girl: Why didn’t you come, Daddy? That was our stop!
Southern dad: We’ll ride this damn train till they tell us to get off. –E train Overheard by: Alyson Leigh Guy: This weather is like the Holocaust, except much much worse. –Park Slope Overheard by: mervis
Dude: There is nothing like cereal with breast milk. –Brooklyn Heights Overheard by: Burke Chick: How do mermaids get pregnant? They don’t have any legs. –Office, 29th & 7th Stroller guy: Say goodbye to your sister-slash-mother. –Prospect Heights Woman on cell: It’ll be fabulous! He’s die and she’ll get pregnant. –West 4th & Macdougal Hasidic lady: Please, someone sneezes in China and I get pregnant. –57th & Park Overheard by: Brandy Rowell Guy: My whole family hates me; I hope they all fucking die, even the babies. –Central Park Overheard by: steve alcott Chick: What is it with me and getting pregnant? –66th & Broadway Guy: No, now you take the placenta home with you and eat it. –Hill Cafe, Cobble Hill
Man on cell: You still love me even though I’m a fatty? –113th & Broadway Guy on cell: You know, dude, I could totally fall in love with her if she weren’t such a crack-whore. –11th & 3rd Overheard by: Kaitlyn Loud hipster girl: Shrooms are like love and happiness. You don’t find them; they find you! –Williamsburg waterfront Overheard by: could use all three Idealist: If he really loved me, wouldn’t he moisturize?! –Harlem Overheard by: McN Ghetto girl: Love ain’t got nothin’ to do with the way you smellin’ right now! –Chambers & Broadway Overheard by: AWAG Middle-Aged guy: But if she loved me so much, why did she point the shotgun at me? –57th between 6th & 7th Overheard by: harvey Woman on cell: You know that Susan already hates you…Of course she’s just doing it to be a bitch…I love Susan. –73rd & Columbus Overheard by: Will
Tourist mom to daughter: This is a train station. –Lobby of the MetLife building Tourist on cell: I just humped Timmy in Times Square! –Times Square Tourist girl to no one, pointing out window: Oh my god, they actually have carts in New York that sell pretzels?! It’s actually true?! –Boston-bound Greyhound Tourist girl to boyfriend: Wow, New York is just like Ohio! –Fast food corridor, Penn Station Overheard by: Bean Tourist to guide: Is it illegal to pick your nose in America? –79th & 5th Tourist kid: So, this has nothing to do with batteries? –Battery Park Overheard by: Good thing I have an iPhone
Creepster: I’ve always thought babies make the best pets. –Bronx Zoo Woman on cell: What the hell is this? E’ry bitch in here got somebody else baby! Black ladies got white babies. White ladies got Chinese babies. Is this Take-somebody-else-baby-to-the-park Day? Shit, I wish somebody woulda took mines! –Madison Square Park Overheard by: Manhattman Hipster chick, looking at over-sized purse: Oh, I like this bag! You could fit a baby in here! [Lady nearby stares.] Y’know, not that I’d ever put a baby… in a bag… Sheesh. –Urban Outfitters, 2nd Ave Lady on cell: I know it’s reasonable to worry about things. but I just think it’s sort of strange that you worry about a shark jumping up and snatching your baby while you’re driving over a bridge! [Long pause] Well, did you ever think of rolling up the windows? –Union Square Blonde on cell: So, my friend took me to this vegan barbecue this weekend. Fucking bullshit. I had to go home and eat a baby just to feel normal again. –59th & 5th
Dude: This sounds weird, but I’ve got enough condoms to fill up a piñata. –Bike shop Overheard by: Ken Chick on cell: She had a condom stuck in her for four days! –92nd & Columbus Overheard by: Erin 20-ish male: Okay, who put a condom in my iced latte? –Ozzie’s Coffee House, Park Slope Old guy on cell: No, honey, it’s unsanitary to buy condoms on eBay. –34th & 7th Overheard by: Sam Fat lady tourist to friend: Hey, I should’ve brang those condoms with us to get rid of them. –4 train
History buff: So, you’ve heard about the Boston Tea Party, right? So, what happened is this guy, Christopher Columbus, is sailing around looking for the West Indies but instead finds America. He goes back to mother England and tells them all about it, and mother England sends over all the prostitutes and criminals. So England forgets all about America, but when they check back in, all those criminals survived — they prospered — so mother England’s like, ‘You gotta pay taxes now.’ But the criminals say, ‘Hey, we didn’t ask to get sent here anyway. We’re not paying nothing.’ And that’s how it happened, son. You’ll learn about it in high school. –F train, Brooklyn Overheard by: baffled colonial historian Loud hobo: Four score and seven years ago, there were no lesbians in this country. –V platform, 52nd St Overheard by: HelloClairice & Lara History professor, about the textile ban in India: If you remember Gandhi the movie… or not just Gandhi the movie, but I guess Gandhi the man, too… –Fordham University Overheard by: Katie Queer: Yeah, I mean, the French Revolution was really… a great revolution. To have abolished laws against sodomy that early in history says something about the French. –Sushi Yasuda Overheard by: Belinos Highly-qualified History teacher: You mean, slavery ended in the late 19th century? I just told a kid that’s when it started! –6 train, Harlem
Pink-haired woman: Have you noticed how all the celebs are totally dying their hair? It just looks so damn fake! I just want to walk up to them and say, ‘Your hair looks like a chem lab exploded on it!’ And then I would, like, get an autograph. –Broadway Hobo: Look, this ain’t my hair! I am part of the Homeland Security, and the alert color today is orange for ‘High alert.’ Now, how can you be both high and alert? That’s why this country is so fucked up! Have a nice day! –L train, 6th Ave Overheard by: pchace Ghetto woman: Now, where did my son get to? I’m done payin’ and he still runnin’ around… I gotta go fix my hair — it looks like I just killed someone. –Grocery store Old man: I don’t like ugly, fucking-hairy women. I just don’t — it’s a matter of taste! Good grooming — it’s the key to success, baby! Ugly, hairy women… They’re everywhere! –Connecticut Muffin, Prospect Park stop, F train Overheard by: Sarah McLellan Guy: Keep the money coming, people! I got three kids at home, and they all want Timberlands! I accept baby food, hair weaves… I even take weed, if you got it! –2 train Overheard by: jil Guy on cell: If you want a shitty haircut, you come to me! –Smith & 9th St station Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Hipster on cell: Best case scenario is: I talk, and you say
nothing. We have nothing to talk about. –65th & 2nd Overheard by: Gregorio and Robyn Queer: Instead of cheating, I define it as an indiscretion. –Posh, W. 51st Street Overheard by: Nick Salvato Dude on cell: …yeah..you are breaking up…wha? no…I meant your voice is breaking up…nope…wha? no…I don’t want to break up with you…hello…hello… –West 4th & Macdougal Dude on cell: So how’s the single life?…Well, that’s good, because if you were pregnant, I’d stick my fist in your twat and pull that thing outta there…I said, I’d stick my fist in your twat. Yeah, I would…Because I’m not really ready to be a dad right now, you know? –LIRR Overheard by: maura johnston