Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

I Was Born a Wednesday, but I Identify With One-Liners

Guy to girlfriend and friend: Goddammit, neither one of you is a gay man trapped in a woman's body.

–8th & 9th

Overheard by: cracking up

Girl on cell: Are all she-males gay? Cause if they're into women, sign me up.

–Astor Place

Teen on cell: Dudes have, like, purses here…

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Al-master

Guy to friend: She's not a tranny, but she's, y'know: tran-y.

–Grand St & Bedford Ave

Overheard by: KateM

Man on cell: You and I are both complex women. It's more complicated than that.

–21st St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Ben

Wednesday One-Liners: So Lifelike!

Girl: If I made a sex doll that smelled like elk, he would totally do it!

–Queens

Middle-aged Latino: I've got barbie dolls!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Newspaper vendor: Cause I have that multiple sneezing thing! I hate that crap! I'm like a bobble-head doll!

–96th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: Galatea

Girl leaving nail salon: It looks like Malibu Barbie just threw up all over my feet.

–11th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Bill

Despondent little girl in coffee shop: Um, I don't play with the doll house that much because you said we're not supposed to play in the meditation room.

–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

A Tree Grows in Wednesday One-Liners

Father to daughter: Girl, whatchu doing? You tryin’a go to cross the bridge? You tryin’a go to Brooklyn? You want some cheesecake? Some crack? –Centre St & Park Row Overheard by: Barry P. NYU social planner: I wanted to get all the freshmen out of the city for a little so I took them to Brooklyn. –Main Building, NYU Girl on cell: I’m not going to Brooklyn sober! –12th & Broadway Woman on cell: So are you in town this weekend or in Brooklyn? –39th & 8th Overheard by: The Lovely Miss Katie Chick: Do you know the rules for being in Brooklyn? –Law office, 54th & 5th Overheard by: The legal intern Bill Batson: It’s like the Native Americans all over again. Brooklynites, we’re indigenous. And now Manhattan wants Manifest Destiny. –Vanderbilt & Dekalb, Fort Greene, Brooklyn Overheard by: Larissa Kyzer Little boy: I’m not going to Brooklyn! It’s stupid! –110th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Omaha

Tourist: I don’t like this train line. On the L line they have benches so that you can kneel down and pray… And they don’t have crevices digging into your ass and shit.

–1 train

Tourist girl: Let’s go to the Upper Wet Side.

–Palace Theatre, Broadway

Tourist: You haven’t been raped and stabbed ’til you’ve been raped and stabbed in New York.

–Central Park

Dude with huge backpack, clutching a map: Sometimes you just don’t want to see a huge ball of twine, y’know? It’s, like, 200 miles away. [Guy next to him nods head vigorously.]

–Manhattan-bound L train

Middle-aged tourist on cell: No, we gotta go to Penn Central. Trust me, I know this place — we gotta get to Penn Central.

–Penn Station

Wednesday White-Liners

Girl on cell: You raised me around drug addicts, and now they’re the only people I like… I don’t do drugs, I’m just drawn to the addicts!

–28th & Park

Guy: If you rub the gerbil in Vaseline and then dip it in cocaine, it just slips right up there.

–The Village

Chick: That’s what happens when you sniff baking powder — anyone would be shaking…

–LIRR

Overheard by: tanechka

Girl on cell: I know! I really need to stop calling my mom when I’m on coke.

–Waverly & Broadway

Overheard by: Spends 40K To Hear This Shit

Security guard to another: Just keep your eyes peeled, man… That’s the third crack pipe we’ve had in here in two years.

–ABC Carpet & Home store, 18th & Broadway

Overheard by: Shadey

Chick: Well, I was supposed to be a part-time barista, but I was actually a full-time coke-head.

–Sullivan St, Soho

Man to entire train: It’s hard to tolerate you, because you would have been nothing but a drug dealer in the ’80s!

–6 train

Overheard by: xan

Wednesday One-liners

Trendy girl: I mean, I like her as a person, I just don’t like what she does with my hair. –Max, Ave. B Guy on cell: Listen man, he’s Trump. We can put his name on anything and they’ll buy it. Put his fucking face on a fucking bottle of water and they’ll fucking buy it! –28th St. and Park Avenue Overheard by: G Varod Woman on cell: There’s only one word for this party. And it is “epic.” –CPW and 110th St.

Yo Momma So Wednesday, She One-Liners!

Woman on cell: Oh, and by the way, I called my mother to thank her. (pause) No, I said, "Mom, I'm calling on behalf of me and the girls to thank you very much." (longer pause) Well, she can just go fuck herself then.

–90th & Amsterdam Ave

Man on cell: You know a guy really likes a girl when he takes her home to meet his mom…and you know what, Sheila? You ain't never gonna meet my mom.

–South Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: smfd

Female college student to friend: We really need to cougarize your mom.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Oh really

Guy: So, hey, my mom didn't die today.

–W 26th & 8th

Overheard by: Katie_AK

Girl sneaking into open conductor's room in front of the train: Next stop, your mother's asshole! Stand clear of the closing cheeks!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Adriana

Handbag seller on street corner: Yo! Tell yo mama I got her bag right here!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Taryn

Girl on cell: Yeah, I'm bussin' it for now, my mom's on this thing that I have to show her responsibility… I know, it's like I get up in the morning, I haven't gotten arrested in a while, and I have a job, what more do you want from me?

–Seguine Ave & Waterbury, Staten Island

Is It Sick That I Wednesday on Their One-Liners?

Guy on phone: It's probably something beyond the bestiality in why you didn't get hired.

–4th & Lafayette

Overheard by: andy

Disembodied voice in crowd: Necrophilia, really?

–Times Square

Man: The thing is: my safety word is "No, harder, harder."

–NY Comic Con

Girl: No, seriously, my parents used to have like a harness and a leash for me, because I used to run away in the airport all the time.

–Fordham Law School

Girl to friend: Hot wax and genitals…either very good, or very, very bad.

–1st Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: Will

Guy: Great. She doesn't even know me and already she thinks I have a produce fetish.

–Whole Foods, Chelsea

Overheard by: Hunter (aka,

The United States of Wednesday One-liners

Hobo: You want to know why America is the land of free? Go to jail; free food, free bed. –53rd & Madison Overheard by: Ramblin Bradley Scott Guy on cell: I’m just so sick of hearing about Gaza. So many people getting shot…it just sounds like LA. –86th & CPW Girl: “AKA” means “otherwise known as.” This is America! –23 Street C station Hipster guy on cell: How’s Delaware?…Aw, I’m sorry…Your grandma what?…Ew! –Columbia University Overheard by: Shawn Chesterfield Hobo: I wish all of America was in Jordan. –Stuyvesant Park Woman: …It’s not the money I’m worried about, it’s just that
Hoboken taxi drivers are shitheads. –Office, 50th & 6th Woman on cell: …and I mean, where the fuck am I supposed to find a hooker? This isn’t Las Vegas! –54th & 6th Overheard by: Eface Tourist man: One way ticket to Hewston please. –50th Street 1 station Turbaned white guy: Well, obviously I’m American, but my preferred religion is Punjabi. –Union Square Overheard by: misha Suit: Hawaii is so boring! There’s nothing to do but stay calm. –52nd & Lexington Girl: Have you been to the rest of the country? The rest of the country is not New York. They obviously don’t know anything about fashion. –Shea Stadium

Wednesday One-Liners Have I None, but This Man’s Father Is My Father’s Son

40-ish Jewish guy to another: Oh, guess what? My paternity test from the Bahamas came back negative, so that was good news.

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

Guy to girl: Oh, don’t! No! Don’t even think about pulling the ‘My dad committed suicide’ card! Not here, not now. It’s not fair!

–NYU

Hawker: Good morning! AM New York! Good morning! You are the father!

–50th & Broadway

Overheard by: Bronx Thomas O’Connor

Little girl: Look! Horse poop! Horse poop! My daddy’s allergic to horse poop!

–Central Park

JAP: When he told me what his father did for a living I felt a little pang in the snobby part of my heart.

–86th & Amsterdam