Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesday Drunk-Liners

Tipsy, barefoot woman, lifting skirt in broad daylight: Gotta air out my coochie!

–W 88th St

Belligerent drunk woman: I've never even heard of these fucking stops! (later) Scarsdale! I don't even know how to spell "Scarsdale"! Other than…Scarsdale. (later) What the fuck is Hartsdale? Slap me across the face with a big dick!

–Metro-North Train

Drunk girl to friends sitting on a couch left on the sidewalk: Don't sit on that couch, it's probably covered in bodily urine!

–East Village

Overheard by: Herr Professor Doktor

Drunk wife to drunk husband during poker game: Don't you dare tell me about things that I don't understand!

–Poker Game, Astoria

Overheard by: NYCWATERBABY

Drunk girl: Bedford Avenue does not know how to find the clit!

–L Train

Wednesday One-Liners Actually Liked Police Academy IV

Macho guy: I just want to roundhouse a cop in the head. Then I’m gonna run my ass off. –Flushing Meadows Corona Park Overheard by: rob Perfume vendor: 5 dollars! 5 dollars! Get ‘em before the cops do! –33rd & Broadway Overheard by: rah Girl on cell: …and then the police came so we were wondering if it was gonna be like a bar mitzvah. –61st & Columbus Guy on cell: He drank half a bottle of Listerine?…Let me know when the police get there. –Central Park Overheard by: Diane Policeman, to erratic driver: You heard me, man, now pull over. What the hell? –St. Mark’s & 2nd Policewoman through loudspeaker, to erratic driver: Where did you get your license? Oh. My. God. –Leonard & Jackson, Brooklyn Overheard by: Chitin Running mom, to child: Hurry up! Run, run like the cops are chasing you! –110th & Amsterdam

Wednesday One-Liners Still Don’t Understand Crocs

Woman on cell: Well, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to ask me what I’m wearing… Really short shorts and a long shirt.

–69th St & Columbus

Lady on cell: The outfit that I really want only works with beer bottles.

–Duane Reade, 111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy to girlfriend, about drunk guys dressing up in thrift store: … And you know one of those guys is going to wake up tomorrow and be like, ‘Why am I wearing a kimono?!’

–9th & 3rd

Hipster girl: So, that club she got turned away from? It was for not having on two pieces of corduroy clothing. You know what kind of club that is? A club full of poorly-dressed people.

–Curly’s Vegetarian Lunch

Overheard by: magical-newyork.blogspot.com

Dude: I don’t know. I just feel like her face is going out of style, you know what I mean?

–27th & 7th

Wednesday One-Liner, -Liner, Pants on Fire!

Guy pedalling rickshaw, on cell: No, I can’t get there. I have no bike right now. No, I’m on the train at the moment.

–34th & Broadway


Man on cell
: No, I’m not outside!…I’m in the bank!…I’m in the bank…I’m telling you, I’m in the bank!


–Barnes & Noble, Union Square Middle-Eastern dude on cell: Right now I am coming in a taxi cab from JFK Airport…Yes, well, I understand your concern, but you see, I am driving the taxi. –Starbucks, Columbus Circle Overheard by: math tinder

The High Times Of Wednesday One-Liners

Mother to friend: If our kids would just smoke weed they'd be fine.

–Borough Hall, Brooklyn

Five-year-old child, walking past table of glass bongs and pipes: Daddy, I want one!

–Astor Place

Promoter for comedy club: Free bag of weed if you come to the 9:30 show!

–Times Square

Enthusiastic, loud girl on cell: Smoking pot? So you were smoking…you don't have to be so worried about people hearing what you're saying, nobody's even listening…seriously.

–27th & 7th

Overheard by: And she had to end up being in my class..

30-something lady: When she was just selling pot to Kevin Nealon, I think that was better.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Brainy

Wday 1 Lnrz — U Like?

Girl on cell: Sorry I texted you when you were giving birth.

–27th St & Park Ave

20-something girl: I kept saying, "I emailed a text to him!"

–Pub, 59th & 3rd

Overheard by: Bluetoothed them a postcard

20-something girl correcting her friend's text message: No, you don't need an apostrophe there. It's "hos," plural, not "of or pertaining to a ho."

–M15 Bus

Overheard by: Lauren

Guy with suitcase on cell: I sent him a text asking if I could stay at his place, and he said sure. I find out today he was being sarcastic.

–116th & Broadway

Student: Okay, it's 3:20. I think it's an appropriate time to text Ben and tell him I had a sex dream about him.

–Sarah Lawrence College

Overheard by: Anna

Let’s Face Wednesday One-liners

Guy: My eyelashes have decided to declare war against my eyes. –12th Street & 6th Avenue Overheard by: E. F. Schubert Woman: All I wanted was some sunflower seeds and I wound up with my face on a milk carton. –41st & 5th Overheard by: rebecca h. Teen girl on cell: So I finally talked to him and I was like, “Do you have any safety pins?” and he was all, “No!” and then I was like,
“What about all the ones in your face?” –Red Hook Overheard by: linda

Wednesday One-Litters

Little girl to mother: I don't wanna be a lawyer anymore, when I grow up I wanna be a cat!

–Chelsea

Woman to friend: I mean, he's just so anti-social! He has like 19 cats!

–Lafayette & Prince

Girl to friend: My cat is a flaming homosexual.

–34th & 5th

Girl: And so she says, "let's follow the cat!" So we do, and the cat leads us to a pile of heroin!

–Cafeteria, Barnard College

Without Wednesday One-Liners, the Terrorists Win

Teacher to student: You don’t look like a golfer; you look like a terrorist.

–Brooklyn Tech

Flyer guy: No one goes to those run-of-the-mill Broadway shows on a Saturday night! The only people going to them is the Bin Laden family, and you don’t want to sit next to them. They’ll blow you to smithereens!

–Times Square

Overheard by: annahj

Young kid, about fireworks nearby: Look, Mommy! They’re planning a terrorist attack!

–13th & 2nd

Dude: Prisons are nice, man. I’d rather go to prison than be out here with the terrorists! it’s safer in prison.

–Court & Livingston, Brooklyn

Overheard by: cary

Wednesday One-Liners Start a Love Train

Student: I just always assumed everyone’s love of integrals.

–John Jay Hall, Columbia

Dude: I had her up against the wall and was all like, ‘Jimmy cracked corn,’ and shit. She was lovin’ it.

–A train, 42nd St

Overheard by: Ilyse

Man: I did scream, ‘I love you Lindsay Lohan!’ when I saw her at the costume thing, but that’s just ’cause everyone else was.

–20th & 5th

Man on cell: No, not that Jim. The Jim who loves acid and foie gras.

–Metropolitan & Union, Brooklyn

Overheard by: liza

Conductor: I know you’ve heard of the love boat. Well, this is the love train.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Mark Schilsky

Guy to girlfriend at table of friends: You just love my average-sized cock!

–3rd & 2nd

Overheard by: Chuckles