Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesday One-liners Use Safety Scissors

Girl: If she were dead, she would have called, right? –83rd & York Overheard by: Will Suit: Well see, I’ve always either been single or in a relationship. –Duane & Broadway Overheard by: McGins Guy on cell: Yeah, what he said made us sound stupid. But it made me sound even stupider! –Broadway & Bleecker Overheard by: jillypickle Girl on cell: Hello? No, you have the wrong number…Hello? No, I told you you had the wrong number. What are you, illiterate? –M train Overheard by: Jane Guy: Yo, I never knew Dean Koontz wrote books in Spanish. He’s mad smart! And Bill Clinton, too! –Barnes & Noble libros en espanol section, Union Square McChick: Would you like that “with cheese”, or without “with cheese”? –McDonald’s, 44th and Lex Man: Oh shit, it’s raining outside too? –Office, 40th & 3rd Overheard by: Colin F.

Wednesday One-liners in Black and White

Creepy white teacher: And so the black people started to spread from Harlem. And now there are black people in all five boroughs. –205 & Reservoir, the Bronx Hobo to parked white-on-white Mini Cooper: Hate car! Racist car! Bigot car! –4th St & 1st Ave Overheard by: benjamen walker Girl on cell: I don’t care if I am as white as a bar of soap, I can say bangin’ all I want. –35th St & 23rd Ave, Astoria Overheard by: Rick Adams

Holy Wednesay-One-Liners, Batman!

Little boy, hearing loud explosion: Jesus Christ!

–Upper East Side

Overheard by: Farley


Suit to girlfriend
: Are you mad at Jesus?


–Penn Station

Overheard by: Matt


Girl, pointing to eyebrow ring
: I receive God through this hole in my eye!


–Financier Patisserie, Stone St

Overheard by: Gen


Teen girl
: Yeah, so I was about to go down on him, and I got smacked in the face with Jesus. It was so not hot.


–Sheepshead Bay

Overheard by: Lotte


Black man
: Free Post! Free Post! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, free at last! Free Post!


–34th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: jackattack


JAP
: When I told my mom I didn’t want to fast today she said ‘That’s ok, no one said you had to’ and I said ‘Ummm, I think God did.’


–33rd St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: ak


Man to cop
: Can’t you do nuthin’ about those damn Jehovah’s Nitwits?


–Grand Central


Wednesday One-Liners Think Lebanons Are Girls Who Like Girls

15-year-old on cell: Why would they invade Lebanon? We’ve got nothing they want. All we’ve got are trees. –64th & 5th Overheard by: Caroline Professor Obvious, on Hezbollah situation: It’s, like, so Old Testament. They really need to come up off that shit. –Wooster & Houston B&T mom on cell: God, honey, calm down. I’m in Manhattan, not Lebanon. –American Girl Place, 49th & 5th Overheard by: Courtney Wannabe cartographer: Where’s Hezbollah…Like, it’s a city in Iran, right? –Mug Café, E 13th St

Parapraxic Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: I had to swallow… The whole thing!

–9th Ave & 44th St

Big guy: Did I tell you? The other weekend I caught Jack’s sausage!

–Duane Reed, Jackson Heights
Queens


Overheard by: Mrs. LeClair

Girl, on firefighters packing equipment: Man, there’s a lot of hose out there!

–Hanover Square

Customer: If I’m going to pay 20 dollars for a piece of meat, the least they can do is give me something to wipe my face with.

–45th & Madison

Overheard by: madnyc

One mother to another, both pushing strollers: He just won’t suck on anything else!

–5th Ave between 8th & 9th St
Park Slope


Overheard by: Wankrupt

Dad instructing child: You kind of have to use your tongue to lap it up into your mouth.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: vm

Twelve-year-old girl on phone: There’s really a lake called Titty CaCa!

–8th Ave &16th St

Grandma’s Fresh-Baked Wednesday One-Liners

Little girl to people waiting to board plane: You want a grandma? We have hundreds of grandmas here.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: detective olivia benson

Grandma, about child running with others: He runs faster than… than a little shit.

–Alice in Wonderland Statue, Central Park

Mom to kid: Do you know that purse I stole from Grandma? Hide it. She’s coming over.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jeff

Grandma: If I was 50, boy, I’d be nifty. [Granddaughter stares blankly.] Yeah, if I was 50, I’d wear a leather bustiere.

–C train

Woman on payphone: I don’t care if Johnny was fucking his cousin, that don’t give you the right to steal your grandma’s credit cards!

–125th & Lex

Wednesday One-Liners Have Started Drinking Alone

Teacher: That’s a beautiful outfit! I forgot today was Culture Day — I would’ve come in drunk.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

JAP: I was so drunk, and the next day I woke up in an unmade bed!

–Times Square

NJ Transit conductor: We’re on the train goin’ to Dovah. This is a late-night train for the drunk college kids. If you miss your stop, that sucks — we ain’t goin’ back. In Dovah, it’s ovah.

–Penn Station

Chorus of drunks: Rehab sucks! Rehab sucks! Rehab sucks!

–Welcome to the Johnson’s, LES

Overheard by: Alexis

Large, loud lady dragging dirty hot pink suitcase to passerby: I’ve got a bottle of beer in one hand and a holy Bible in the other!

–W 39th & 8th

20-ish director type to others: Okay, I’m laying down the law for this show. Nobody drinks — none of the actors are allowed to drink before the show tomorrow. I can drink before the show, but none of the actors can drink before the show.

–Krain’s Theatre, E 4th & 2nd

Overheard by: could use a drink now

Tipsy dude: Either way, the test is coming back positive, so let’s get drunk.

–3rd & 12th

Wednesday One-Liners Get Some Pussy

Knitting girl: Don't let your drunk girlfriend name your cat, because eventually you will break up with her and then you'll have a cat with a stupid name.

–The Point Knitting Cafe

Overheard by: Heather

Woman coming out of restroom, holding a bottle of liquid soap: You gotta keep the cat clean!

–NYU Hospital

Overheard by: A nurse who wish she wasn't sometimes!!

Female tourist, to herself: There are nine ways to skin a cat, and I know all of them.

–23rd & 8th

Man to woman, arguing: Fuck you, Nina, that's the point. You're not taking my cat!

–Central Park

Old man to friend, during lunch: I don't like cats' attitudes. Unlike dogs, they can be so aloof. Especially to Jews…

–Deli, 1st Ave

Overheard by: Allison

Cuba Gooding Jr: “Show Me the Wednesday One-Liner!”

CEO on phone: Fuck you! Just get me the things I need to make money.

–12th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jeremy

Older man wearing yarmulke, screaming into cell: Hi! I think I left a check for $19,000 in the armoire, can you check if its there? (pause) Oh, good! I was so worried! I will deposit it tomorrow! (pause) Yeah! I'm going over the bridge! (pause) Okay? I gotta go! Bye!

–Q Train

Frustrated girl on cell: I've only got a metro card and $20! I can't take the bus!

–85th & Columbus

Overheard by: Jesse D

Female student: My dad didn't pay two $200,000 for me to be a bartender.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Greg

Singing hobo: I work hard for the money, I work hard for the money, so you better work hard for me!

–W 4th St

Overheard by: DRC

Bursar office attendant: All we do is take yo money.

–Pratt Institute

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Subway Sandwiches

Lost-looking chick on cell: Why do they always fuck with the trains on weekends? Don't they know there are stoned people trying to get home?

–Subway Platform, Grand Central

Overheard by: Poogtastic

Loudspeaker dispatcher lady: Hey you! Uptown number 5! You better stop sticking your head out the window and answer me on the radio!

–Uptown 4,5,6 Train, Union Square

Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.

Elegant gentleman, as train starts to depart station: Oh, I didn't realize the train was going to move.

–Crowded Uptown 1 Train

MTA announcement: The uptown 1 train is running.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Krisztina

Dispatcher: The arriving train will be the next train. The arriving train will be the next train.

–G Train, Court Square

Overheard by: Katrink

Old man: I'm coming, train. I'm coming. I'm coming, train, you son of a bitch bastard!

–6 Train