Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

You Just Need Some Deep Wednesday One-Linerin'

Blonde girl: I can't believe he pulled his dick out. Except not really. Except kind of. Except I kind of had to put it back in. –W 34th & 8th Ave Overheard by: innocent bystander Crazy hobo, to himself: Geritol. Yup, that's what she needs. That woman just likes some dick. And there ain't nothin wrong with that. Nothin wrong with a woman likin a long hard dick. Women like dick. Ain't nothing wrong with that. She's gonna get some Geritol all right. Cause see, you got to get it up in the crevices. Work it in with a little Bengay. –Men's Bathroom, Penn Station Overheard by: Phil Salvadoran guy, discussing use of the word "faggot": They can take a dick up their ass, they can take a fucking joke. –Lawton St, Brooklyn Overheard by: Eric Frazier Black guy: Man, I can't wear tight pants because I have a big dick! My dick needs to breathe! (holds himself) –Penn Station Female Central Park crossing guard: Das cuz da dick was great! –Columbus Circle Overheard by: Robert H

Wednesday One-Liners Are Masters of Their Own Verbal Domain

Guy: They’re squatters and ravers. They squat and rave…They squave. –Belle and Sebastian show, Battery Park Overheard by: Lacey Suit: You know how some people wing it? Well I wanged it. I totally wanged it. –52nd & 7th Overheard by: Jatmos Asian guy: It seems like everyone is giving headjobs these days. –Flinders St Overheard by: duygu Female nurse: I’m telling you, he is totally intercontinental. I have to change him 4 times a day. –Hudson & Spring Overheard by: AJ Stone Wordsmith, on the phone: Ma’am, her train is being delayed because of constipation. –Office, 1250 Broadway Teen on cell: He’s not very smart…Yeah, I just need someone to conversate with. –Macy’s Overheard by: Chelsea College guy: The word “secretion” just fucks me up. –NYU 10-Year-Old boy: I ain’t speakin’ no language. –B48 bus, Franklin & DeKalb Overheard by: Kyri Tourist: Sexual attention is the only language I really understand. –Around the Clock Diner, Stuyvesant & 3rd Ave Overheard by: gweny Woman: The lesbians don’t like the Jews…I mean the Lebanese. –Party, 16th & 1st Girl: Stop staring at all the buildings, you look like a terrorist!…I mean tourist. Same thing. –8th & Broadway Overheard by: ceci Girl: Oh, my shoes totally fell asleep…Fell asleep? Fell apart! –Fort Greene Park, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Call Themselves “Publicists”

Announcer dude: People, get the Audio Guide! If you don’t you’ll end up up there thinking, ‘I should have listened to that handsome, well-spoken man downstairs.’ You’ll be beating yourself for not buying the Audio Guide. And I don’t need that on my conscience. –Empire State Building Overheard by: George Carstocea Daily News hawker: Sign up here for your free subscription to the Daily News! [Muttering] We’ll screw you later. –Outside Shea Stadium Overheard by: Mrs. Met Guy selling comedy show tickets: Come on, have a ticket. If you don’t I’ll stalk you on your MySpace page! –Times Square Overheard by: Punkgrrl Top of the Rock promoter guy: Yeah, it’s supposed to be, like, the best view or whatever of, uh, I don’t know… [Calls to fellow promoter] Yo, man, you ever been up there? –Rockefeller Center Flyer dude: See the naked cowboy on stage! Sucking cock! –46th & Broadway Overheard by: Ashley Guy selling newspapers: New York Post here! Daily News here! [He’s ignored.] New York Post here! Daily News! [Still ignored.] George Bush wins the lottery! [Still ignored.] –33rd & 7th Comedy club promoter: People, you gotta come tonight, because if you don’t my boss is gonna kill me! I work for the mafia! –Times Square

Have You Seen Wednesday? It's Totally Had Its One-Liners Done.

Woman on cell: I can't believe no one said anything… How could no one notice? It used to be sooooo crooked, and I spend all this money to get my nose fixed, and no one says anything? –Norfolk & Houston 50-year-old lady: So are you still down for the Brazilian wax? –45th & Broadway Overheard by: Chuch Little girl, pointing at someone having their eyebrows threaded: Look! They're sewing that woman's face! –14th St & 2nd Ave Overheard by: kenzi Orange lady: Is it like you definitely, for sure get cancer from a tanning bed? Cause then I might stop. –Park Slope Overheard by: Alexis

Wednesday One-Liners?

Woman, picking up rubber ball, to employee: Oh, what can you do with this? –Scholastic Store, Soho Freshman girl: What do we, like, throw in the recycling bin? –Leon M. Goldstein High School Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman Woman, descending stairs onto train platform: Oh my god! Is that a train? –Penn Station Overheard by: curious to know what else she was expecting to see at a train station… Random tourist to young Asian kid: Do you sell fake bags? –Canal Street Station Astute shopper: Do you take Duane Reade cards here? –Duane Reade Overheard by: fellow customer Guy on cell: Bagels with butter? Where am I gonna get that? –Upper East Side Overheard by: sarahjane

The Superfluous Eruditeness Of Wednesday One-Liners

Pompous, insane English professor: Right now I am being plagued by a contagion, but I will return your reports anon. –Barnard College Student, to friend who just bashed the side of his head: What the hell? You're hurting my ganglia! –Columbia University Overheard by: John David Black mom to teen daughter walking away from her: No, you get back here and listen to what I'm sayin! You gotta pay attention–niggas be instigatin! –Nassau & Fulton Overheard by: Tigertail First year legal scholar: I feel like our relationship is terminated for perpetuity. –Grand Central Overheard by: bunbury Yuppie on phone: Wait. (pause) Bruhaha, right? –70th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Are Enough to Gag a Maggot

Nurse to hobo next to her: Aw, hell no! You fucking stink! [She pulls out a can of air freshener and hoses him down.] –A train Asian kid to another: It’s hard and watery, and if my pockets reek of ass, I’ma kill you! –D train, Brooklyn Overheard by: sitting behind them Little boy: Now I know why it smells like urine everywhere! –Central Park Man: It smells like an STD in here. –E train Irish lad: A man’s baseball cap should always stink a wee bit. –U-Haul rental place, Broadway Overheard by: Kerry

Apparently, We Won’t Never Forget

Tourist girl: We’re here! Wow, this is it!
Tourist mother: No, I don’t think it is. This isn’t the Soup Nazi!…You, where’s the Soup Nazi? –Daily Soup, 54th Street Girl: I’ve never been to that restaurant, I hear it’s nice.
Guy: Yeah, it’s got its own Nazi charm to it. –30th & Lexington office Southern girl: Why didn’t you come, Daddy? That was our stop!
Southern dad: We’ll ride this damn train till they tell us to get off. –E train Overheard by: Alyson Leigh Guy: This weather is like the Holocaust, except much much worse. –Park Slope Overheard by: mervis

Wednesday One-liners Are Expecting

Dude: There is nothing like cereal with breast milk. –Brooklyn Heights Overheard by: Burke Chick: How do mermaids get pregnant? They don’t have any legs. –Office, 29th & 7th Stroller guy: Say goodbye to your sister-slash-mother. –Prospect Heights Woman on cell: It’ll be fabulous! He’s die and she’ll get pregnant. –West 4th & Macdougal Hasidic lady: Please, someone sneezes in China and I get pregnant. –57th & Park Overheard by: Brandy Rowell Guy: My whole family hates me; I hope they all fucking die, even the babies. –Central Park Overheard by: steve alcott Chick: What is it with me and getting pregnant? –66th & Broadway Guy: No, now you take the placenta home with you and eat it. –Hill Cafe, Cobble Hill

Wednesday One-Liners Remember elimiDATE Fondly

Man on cell: Yeah man, she is so not anyone that I would be willing to invest years in… I mean I don't want to have to spend my time actually working on it. I figured, hell, I kind of want to wake up next to someone a couple of days a week, so I might as well hang on through the summer. No, she has no idea… –Columbus & 62nd St Grad student: They have this symbiotic relationship in which he does all the eating and she does all the drinking. –Columbia University Woman to herself: God, I asked you for a good man; not a fucking joke! –Spring & Hudson Overheard by: Oscar Gamble Firefighter to others: It's not that I have anything against commitment; I just like diversity. –125th St Fairway Overheard by: Just Shoppint Man in shorts to another: I wouldn't date a girl with double vision, period. –Williamsburg Overheard by: Dr No-Eyes Businesswoman to hobo: If you get back in the dating scene, I'll kill you. –Houston & Lafayette Overheard by: Homeless guy must be hung