Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Have I None, but This Man’s Father Is My Father’s Son

40-ish Jewish guy to another: Oh, guess what? My paternity test from the Bahamas came back negative, so that was good news.

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

Guy to girl: Oh, don’t! No! Don’t even think about pulling the ‘My dad committed suicide’ card! Not here, not now. It’s not fair!

–NYU

Hawker: Good morning! AM New York! Good morning! You are the father!

–50th & Broadway

Overheard by: Bronx Thomas O’Connor

Little girl: Look! Horse poop! Horse poop! My daddy’s allergic to horse poop!

–Central Park

JAP: When he told me what his father did for a living I felt a little pang in the snobby part of my heart.

–86th & Amsterdam

Wednesday One-Liners Think Globally, Act Locally

Hobo: Give Germany brain cancer! Fire laser beams into the back of the brain of Germany! Men, women, retarded children! Make Germany lose their memory!

–New York Public Library Guido on cell: Write this down. It’s P, O, A with two dots on it, N, G. It’s a chair. Poang. Two dots. Two dots. Above. How the fuck should I know? It’s Swedish.

–IKEA, Elizabeth

Overheard by: Rich Mintz JAP: OK, Brittney, so he got blown up in Israel. Everyone gets blown up in Israel!

–Harry’s Burritos, Thompson & 3rd Queer: See, the problem is, you go to France and there are a ton of cute guys, but they’re all French. You go to Italy, cute guys everywhere, but they’re all Italian.

–47th & 9th

Overheard by: Jack Lienke Guy on cell: If I made out with a Venezuelan, does that mean I’m on a government watch list?

–49th & 9th

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson Barista: Can you grab me a tall Ethiopian by the neck? –Starbucks, Grand Central Suit on cell: And I said, fuck, yeah, it was the best damn sushi I ever had! Who gives a fuck if we were in Alabama… those fuckers were still Japanese, you know?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Who doesn’t love the South?

Silly Rabbit, Wednesday One-Liners Are for Kids

Excited little girl to friend: Hey! Wanna see my room? It's really cool! I got a bed!

–Whole Foods, Tribeca

Three-year-old girl, excitedly pointing at picture on store front: Look mommy, it's Buddha! It's Buddha!

–Ave B b/w 3rd & 4th

Overheard by: EVgirl

Young girl to father: Only 1,486 days until I'm 18 and then I can do whatever the heck I want.

–E 78th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Brandon F

4-year-old girl to father trying to board overcrowded train: Jesus, we should have taken the bus! I told you we should have taken the bus.

–Uptown 4 Train

Overheard by: kdice

Five-year-old son to father who just dropped BlackBerry: What the hell just happened here?

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Four-year-old girl: I'mma hustla! I'mma, I'mma hustla!

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Nina

Wednesday One-Liners Never Use the Safeword

Prim lady: Even whips and chains can’t keep boy problems from being typical.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

College student to friends: One time I just want to be caught in a sexually compromising situation with nothing but my bubble wand blower.

–27th & 7th

Overheard by: LFB

Queer on cell: When you handcuffed me, ohhh yes… No, I don’t think there’s a railing I could use right now. No… I’m not taking them out of my bag! Ugh, fiiine… Be there in five minutes… You’re baaad! [Runs off giggling.]

–Penn Station

Little girl, to mother: Get off the train! I want to get off! Move away! Move away! Bad girl!

–1 train

Overheard by: EthanK

Chick on cell: Your hook-up buddies would be the type to stow you in a closet.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Nerdy chick: Cognitive dissonance is not my kink.

–Kinoko Sushi, W 72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Rose Fox

No Wednesday One-Liner, No Love

50-something beefy man in wife beater on cell: Yo! I've got a bag of condoms and Jolly Ranchers!

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Funky Monkey

Preppy girl to friend on phone: I mean… I've had to take Plan B twice this week already!

–2nd Ave & 9th

Drunken street vendor: Buy these Obama condoms! Flavored with hope, they'll get you through "hard" times!

–Times Square

Woman on cell: I got home to take a shower and he stuffs a bunch of condoms in his pocket right in front of me and then walks out the door. I mean what the hell is that?

–Astor Place

Man to woman on escalator: Well, just next time, remember to use protection!

–Babies"R"Us, Union Square

Overheard by: miziz

Wednesday One-Liners Won’t Give Peace A Chance

Black guy: Man, niggas got guns. You don’t know what they gonna do.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: couldn’t stop laughing Hungry guy: Tell him I’m gonna kick his ass! Tell him I’m gonna fuck him up, and tell him to bring food.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Autumn Mother of the Year: My momma said, “All you gotta do is beat the hell out the biggest one of them, and the rest will fall in line.” And she was right, too.

–23rd & 11th Woman on cell: She went and married that man who her first husband shot her for goin’ out with.

–Foley Square Enthusiastic guy: Yeah! Come down to Ditmars and get your ass whipped! Just come on down to Ditmars and get your ass whipped. Yeah! We’ll whip your ass. So just come down to Ditmars. You’ll get your ass whipped. –N train, Queensboro Plaza Overheard by: Richard Berman Amateur chiropractor: She told the cops I hit her with a golf club. I didn’t hit that bitch with no golf club. If I hit that bitch with a golf club, her neck would be broken. –Behind Pathmark, 125th St Overheard by: wadotron Happy hobo: Oh man! Oh man! [Hugs friend repeatedly] Now I’m gonna kick your ass! –G train Overheard by: greenpoint blank

Wednesday One-Liners Go through the Out Door

Old woman drinking tea: It wasn’t butt sex — he just wanted the remote.

–440 Studios

Overheard by: Jaclyn

Guy on cell: Oh my god, you are so interesting. Someday our bodies will connect like God intended — in anal poundage.

–Soho

Overheard by: Shea

Woman on cell: So, wait — do we have to, like, hire someone to stand behind him and force it in?

–28th & 8th

Angry black lady to bartender: Excuse me! I asked for Sex on the Beach, and you gave me Butt-Fuck on the Pond!

–Gotham Bar & Grill

Hobo to cute chick: I like it in the tuckus!

–47th & 5th

Overheard by: Casey F.

Chick on cell: I’m just one of those people that needs to have lots of anal sex.

–Barnes and Noble, 17th St

Overheard by: didn’t need to know that

Queer to friend: And yeah, I have typhoid! So I guess I can’t sodomize anybody…

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: dude, you have typhoid?

Wednesday One-Liners, Dry-Clean Only

Suit on cell: And three girls we know will be there. They're all hideous. But at least they're girls.

–28th & 5th

Overheard by: Heinz

Man in suit: The building is surrounded by outside. Right before you go in and when you come out, you are outside!

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: The Green Cat

Suit whining on cell: Aw, come on! I wanna be on top this time!

–Flushing

Overheard by: Zee

Suit: The only time I wore socks last year was during my swearing in.

–Maiden & William

Suit: You know, we should probably just send a company-wide email in the morning: "hey guys, we're fucked."

–Wall St

Overheard by: Tamcakes

Fully Automatic Water-Cooled Assault Wednesday One-Liners

Four-year-old boy: I have gun! Gun, gun, gun, gun, gun!

–Gate, Newark Airport

Overheard by: minkey

Man on phone: Yo! The last time I saw that nigga I shot at that nigga!

–43rd & 7th

Overheard by: Alex

Guy with facial piercings: My mom’s such a bitch. She’s like, ‘I don’t want any guns or drugs in the house!’ and I was like, ‘Fuck you, Mom!’

–Penn Station

Woman on cell: Kings County is the best hospital to go to if you get shot in New York.

–14th & Union Square

Overheard by: Mole

Thug kid to thug friends: I don’t do shootings. And besides, this is my stop.

–7 train, Queens

Overheard by: Mrs. LeClair

Wednesday One-liners Teach Your Children Well

Pregnant woman to 3-year-old son: Do you remember what happened last time you licked the subway? That’s right. You threw up. –4 train Overheard by: Leora Parent: My son is only two years old, sittin’ at the bar, talkin’ ’bout “old school.” How you gon’ talk ’bout “old school” when you two years old? I think my brother taught him that. –Merrill Lynch lobby, Broadway & Park Row Mom to 4-year-old: Stop crying and take a moment and think about how you feel. –Broadway & 104th