Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Smell Anything

Sassy lady: Honey, she so lazy… She too lazy to fart, she so lazy!

–Celebrity Jeopardy taping, Radio City Music Hall

Overheard by: Lady Sean Connery Wannabe

Man holding ‘Hungry Jew’ sign: Hey, ladies, need a boy-toy? I just farted.

–Lincoln Center

Ghetto Asian teen: Nigga, my farts smell like daisies.

–68th & 1st

Class act: Damn! I got gas like a mo-fo, and this cough ain’t helping.

–Escalator, 59th St subway station

Five-year-old girl to father: Ha, ha! I farted on you!

–Mount Sinai Hospital

Overheard by: Steve

Wednesday One-Liners Will Swallow for Diamonds

Mother to five-year-old daughter: That's why she's a very smart woman. She married a very rich man for exactly that reason.

–University Place &10th St

Overheard by: evanescent

Homeless man to little boy with parents: Ask your mama why she marry your daddy. She'll tell you it was for the money.

–Statue of Liberty

Sorority girl to another: So like, do you think Brad makes good investments?

–53rd & 1st

Asian girl on cell: It's like I have a sign that says "trophy wife" written across my forehead, and then they find out I'm 22 and the sign is suddenly in neon.

–Tribeca

Girl on cell: No, you remember, I'm going to be a gold-digger! It's like a hooker, but smarter.

–NYU Classroom

Wednesday One-Liners Invest in the Biotech Industry

Five-year-old girl to friend: Listen, Julia, this is probably going to sound really bitchy, but shove it.

–FAO Schwartz

40-ish man on cell: I bought this bitch sneakers and Tims, and I ain’t even seen no pussy!

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Mary D

Old man: That’s when I knew that bitch was the bitch for me.

–84th & 1st

Overheard by: Mikey

Pretentious professor with ponytail: Bitch could convey everything with an ellipsis…

–69th & Columbus

Ew, Who Wednesday One-Linered?

Elderly janitor, watching pierced teenagers get in line: I'm gonna fart on one of these people.

–Broadway & Houston

Angry man on cell: They think they're so perfect, but I bet they piss and burp and fart like the rest of us.

–80th St & 34th Ave

Hobo: Can you spare some change? I need to buy some new underwear, I farted and shat in these.

–83rd St & Broadway

Overheard by: new girl in town

Tiny brunette: Have you ever had to pee so bad, and suddenly you fart and then you don't have to pee that badly anymore?

–7 Train

Young woman to friend: Yeah, and then she started fartin' a bunch. But she was farting out of her pussy. And Ashley got pissed, cause then, she started makin' a beat out of it.

–125th St & Lexington

Overheard by: Stephen

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Feel Their Fingers

Hobo: Get your snowball here! 20 bucks for a snowball! You won’t find another one of these for miles!

–43rd & Broadway

Trendy young woman: So, I went out to walk the dog this morning and was like, ‘What is this shit falling from the sky? First it was that funky smell from Jersey, now crap falling from the sky.’ Then I realized it was snowing.

–Midtown

Overheard by: Nic

Old lady to cat she’s pushing in stroller: It’s fucking cold out here!

–Stuyvesant Town, 18th & 1st

Overheard by: Caroline

Incredulous drunk guy with large snowball: Man, I wish this was cocaine.

–E 4th & Bowery

Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to JFK, New York. The local time is 1:30 in the morning, the weather is… really cold.

–United landing in New York early in the morning

Conductor: You know, the trick to dealing with this weather is mind over matter. If you don’t mind the snow, it doesn’t matter.

–Queens-bound 7 train

Poserday One-Liners

Random hipster: If David Bowie had wheels, how much would you pay to ride on him?

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: haxromana

Scrawny hipster dude to another: All I'm saying is: I want to be in a position where I'm not liking it, and I know he's not liking it either.

–Troutman & Evergreen

Overheard by: Kristen

Hipster: I was much more desperate in Chicago.

–6 Train

Hipster kid: I'm just afraid that my sweatshirt isn't edgy enough.

–SoundFix Records, Brooklyn

Overheard by: chelce

Teenager: He's having a hard time dealing with being a hipster.

–Columbus Circle

Wednesday One-Liners File Jointly

Man in Rangers shirt: … And that’s when we realized that she married Satan.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: rosemary’s baby

Homeless guy yelling at everyone: Paul McCartney, you so rich, why you marry a woman with one leg? You could buy yourself one with two legs easily. Easily, dammit.

–E/V station, 53rd & 5th

Professor: Marriage is a state institution. It’s not a voluntary love-fest.

–Silver Center, Washington Square

Balding suit on cell: No, no, it was a phase… And I would know, right? No, I’m telling you, he’s just confused… He’s a kid! And anyway, he’s married now… No, he’ll be fine.

–Citarella, W 9th St

Dude: Sitting here eating these Nerds is the best day of my life, ever. Well, this and my wedding day.

–Landmark Sunshine Cinema, Houston St

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Still More Insightful than Ann Coulter

Teenage girl #1: Yo I heard they have, like, a…circle, and they think it’s art.
Teenage girl #2: Shit’s retarded. –in front of MoMA, W. 53rd Street Overheard by: David Last Fat guy: Yeah, this O’Connor thing is really big. Most people don’t know this, but the Supreme Court has the final say over all laws that are passed. I think they approve it before even the President does. Like I said, it’s big. –Florent, Gansevoort Street Overheard by: Hampton Catlin

Wednesday One-Liners Are Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland

Woman: One time this guy punched me…but it was alright, cause I was on coke.

–2 Train

Overheard by: Laura Grossman

Female hipster on cell: I'm coked up and all alone, Harvey, how do you expect me to feel?

–Humboldt & Ainslie, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Joseph Hernandez

Girl on cell: I haven't done coke in like a week. It's been a rough week.

–Upper East Side

Hot 20-something tourist girl to friend: Pfft, the Meatpacking District. That's false advertising…I got no meat packed in me last night. All I did was steal that bag of cocaine from those guys.

–Broadway & Wooster

Overheard by: ClassyGal

Female 20-something on phone: Yeah, he realized it was too late when he couldn't tell the difference between the piles of sugar, the piles of flour, and the piles of cocaine.

–Central Park

Shade-Grown, Slow-Roasted Wednesday One-Liners

Thug to friend: That bitch looked up at me and said, "Damn, your dick tastes like coffee."

–86th St & Lexington

Overheard by: TINA

Female suit to other: Duane Reade is like the Starbucks of drugstores!

–Duane Reade

Old lady with shopping cart, exiting voting booth: Where's my Starbucks coupon?

–PS163, Bath Beach, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Torgo61

Guy on cell: Hey, bro! I'm having coffee and a bagel. (pause) No, an animal did not have to die for me to have this coffee!

–Arthur Avenue

Overheard by: eternal student

Man with heavy Indian accent holding a cup of Starbucks coffee: No, the most expensive coffee in the world is coffee beans eaten and then pooped out by a cat. It's $120 a cup.

–Elevator, 7th Ave & 31st St