Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

The Audacity Of Wednesday One-Liners

Black guy, cutting in front of line at movie theater: Excuse me, Barack Obama is President now. Thank you. –AMC Movie Theater Overheard by: Emmy Man with hand stuck in bus door to bus driver: We got a black President and you actin' like this? You civil service! –14D Bus Sketching Jamaican hobo: Obama is some kinda skateboard. –Shuttle to Times Square Subway hobo: How come Obama don't have sex with his wife no more? Because every time she opens her legs, he sees bush! –1 Train Man to toddler in his arms: That's Obama. He's gonna save us all from doom! From doom! –University & 12th St

Wednesday One-Liners Reach Maximum Occupancy

Professor: All the buildings in Florence are five stories high, because they were built before elevators, and that's how many stories you can walk up with groceries before you die. –Fordham University 20-something tourist girl to family, about subway: It's like an elevator, but opposite. –N Train Bimbette: I, like, ran into them in the elevator and they, like, literally gang-banged me. –Astoria 20-something woman: Do you think he ever found out I didn't fall down an elevator shaft? –F Train

Nice Wednesday One-Liners Finish Last

Dude to pal: Hey, it’s nice out — we should go get handjobs. –Old Town Tavern, 18th & Park Overheard by: not a bad idea Saleslady to another: The nicer I am to my boyfriend, the crappier he treats me. Maybe I will bake him something with a laxative in it… –Queens Mall Hobo orator: Forty-second Street was a nice place — full of crackheads — until Guiliani came around and cleaned it up. –N/R/Q station, 42nd St Dad with two kids, in sing-song voice: Stop it… Stop it… Please be good… Please be nice… Please stop biting me… –LIRR waiting area, Penn Station Pilot: Passengers in first class will be receiving a nice, warm breakfast served by our lovely stewardesses… Coach will be receiving cold breakfast. [Pause] Wow, that really sucks. –Connecting flight to Gatwick Airport Overheard by: Annoyed Passenger Loud guy on cell: I did it because I’m a really nice guy. I have a great line of credit at Circuit City. –111th & Broadway Overheard by: Snapdragon

Wednesday Onesie Liners

Woman on cell, loudly: No, no, my baby's getting fixed that day! –5th Ave Yuppie thug in three-piece suit, loudly on cell while riding escalator: So you sayin' it's mines? How you know it's mines? Naw naw, how you know? Bitch, kiss my ass! If they ain't been no muh-fuckin DNA test, then they ain't been no baby sprung up outta my dick! I ain't no adoption agency! –Borders, Penn Station Overheard by: IJustWanttoBrowseMadonna'sBrother'sTell-AllinPeace 20-something male on cell: What did I tell you about having sex with people who have babymama problems? That's why I gave up my crush on Bristol Palin. –110th & Broadway Overheard by: Topical Black lady with stroller: Ohhh, no. All y'all are not fitting into this car. Stop pushin' up on my baby. Y'all need to back that shit up now. (baby starts crying) What do you want? What do you want? Are you having hot flashes? Cause I know I am. Jesus! –Downtown 6 Train Overheard by: Alie Black woman: Of all his babymamas, why he alway bothering her? He has all these babymamas and he's always bugging her. She must still be puttin' out. –34th & Broadway Very young pregnant woman purchasing cigarettes on: What the hell kind of difference does what you eat have on what kind of baby you have? –Nostrand & Dean, Crown Heights Overheard by: Siobhan

Do Wednesday One-Liners Measure Up?

Eastern European in velour jumpsuit, approaching guy on street: Sup, cuz. Hey, remember to give it to Ricky tonight for that thing tomorrow. It's a good size. Alright, see you later. –89th & 3rd Overheard by: Ben A Girl to friends: And then she was like, "yeah, let me look at you with my weirdly oversized eyeballs." –Court St., Brooklyn Overheard by: iwn2000 Female suit on phone: We need to get them! (pause) No! They're too big! They won't fit in the hole! –Broadway Guy: Masculinity is determined by the size of your (slight pause) army… –Millennium High School Little girl, carrying tiny stick: Look! I have the biggest stick in the world! –Central Park

The Wednesday One-Liner That Never Sleeps

20-something girl to friend: I'm sorry, but what is the big fucking deal with eating on the sidewalk? Back courtyard? Sure. Rooftop? Fuck, yeah! But the fucking sidewalk? Homeless people up in my face. Loud trucks up in my ears. Carcinogens up in my lungs. I mean… really? New Yorkers are all fucked up. –2nd Ave b/w 6th & 7th Overheard by: Dodd Loomis Ditzy blond tourist: New York is the most foreign place in America I've ever been to! –F Train Overheard by: Chelsea S. Indian guy on phone: I don't wanna be like the Bengali fob! I'm gonna show up and be like the original New York gangsta! –B61 Bus Bar customer to table next to him: I need to visit New York, everyone that visits is always happy. Everyone that lives here in New York is always miserable. –Chambers St Little boy, with great excitement: I just tripped in New York City! –Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Sock It to Me, Sock It to Me, Sock It to Me, Sock It to Me…

Ghetto black woman to four-year-old son: The ice ain't gonna respect you, you gotta respect the ice, nigga. –Grand Central Overheard by: Steven Obnoxiously loud drunk guy: I need a girl who will respect my receding hairline! –Virgil's, W 44th St Overheard by: Check, please! Thugette: I'm just going to say, "Look, I mean no disrespect, but go fuck yourself. I mean no disrespect, but just go fuck yourself." –6 Train Overheard by: i mean disrespect 20-something guy to friend: Man, you don't understand. I really respect this broad… –35th St & Lexington

A Sorry Sack Of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy to friend: I'm sorry. When I see tight shorts I don't think 80s hair metal. –23rd St Conductor: This station is Murray Hill. If you look outside your window and don't see a platform, then you can't get off. Sorry. Please walk towards the front of the train. –LIRR Overheard by: PW rider NJ transit conductor: Folks, this is the 5:50 Midtown direct. We are leaving two minutes late because some of your fellow commuters would not board the train. Some people don't understand you can walk on the train. Sorry for that. –NJ Transit, Penn Station Overheard by: Katherine Extremely Brooklynese conductor: Okay, we're being held up by another f and…uh…another d. Oh, jeez! Sorry, people, it's not my fault, blame the fuckin' dispatcher! (to person in the conducting booth) What? –F Train Overheard by: Jasper johnson Conductor on loudspeaker: Now arriving at Penn Station. Please exit the train promptly. And to those sitting in the first two cars, sorry about the lack of lights and air conditioner. (loudspeaker turns off, after a pause back on). Actually, we're sorry about everything. –NJ Transit, Penn Station Overheard by: brutal commuter

Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Wednesday One-Liners, They Want to Be Dirty

Hipster girl: …so then he was like, “Hi, remember me? I jumped you on the bridge three years ago!” –Union Square Overheard by: Gamoid Girl: There are so many hands on me right now. –1 train, Lincoln Center Girl on cell: So, I fell asleep on the bus the other day, and when I woke up, the guy next to me had his hand between my legs. –BX 12 bus Guy in wifebeater: Nah…Nah…That ain’t rape. That definitely ain’t rape. –W. Broadway & Spring Teen girl: What did I do this summer? I got fingered on a train, that’s what. Fucking bitches. –Union Square Overheard by: Vicksburg Dude on cell: I mean, I put her in some funny positions, but you must know her better by now…Hello? –4th St & 6th Ave Hipster girl to hipster guy: I’m really glad I ran into you! Maybe we could hump on this train too? –Q train, Canal St Overheard by: mike C.