Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesdays Wish They Could Be More Like One-Liners

White teenage boy to black teenage boy: She thinks I am a rapist or something.
(black teenage boy giggles) Which I am cool with, you know what I mean?

–Bay Ridge Ave & 4th Ave

Brunette Guido girl: Ohmigosh, you would love this girl, she's like, the only cool blonde person. This one time she was just like "Dude, can we just do the peace-and-love thing? Cause, I don't know how to fight."

–LIRR

Overheard by: whaaasgood

Fashion intern: I had swine flu last year, before it was cool.

–Cafeteria, Hearst Tower

Overheard by: interns are our future

Bike rider on phone, walking with girlfriend: I don't have his number, but you can call Tom* and go down there. Those guys are pretty cool. You can just go down there and give them a prostate massage.

–Riverside Park

Wednesday One-Liners Take a Dip in the Gene Pool

Yuppie woman: Her mother was recently diagnosed with clinical narcissism. One of the indicators was the time she went to a funeral and got angry that no one noticed her new dress.

–Downtown 6 train

Woman: I have this running joke with my kids. Whenever there’s a spider or a big bug, they’re like, "Kill it! Kill it!", and I’m like "I can’t kill it! It might be your grandmother!" You know, like reincarnation?

–Office tower ladies room, Lex & 44th St

Guy on cell: Who are you to tell me who is of legal age for me? You’re not my mother! How can you tell me who is legal enough for me and who isn’t?

–Union Square

Little Boy: Mommeeee! Ah… I mean, Daddeee!

– 67th Ave & Yellowstone Blvd, Queens

Woman on cell: Mom, a building just got knocked over by a plane and you want to talk about my gambling?

–71st St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: mike

Girl: I have no siblings! I can’t be a fuck up because I have no siblings!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: meghan

Goth girl wannabe: I fantasize about incest, but not with anyone I’m related to.

–East Village

Wednesday One-Liner: The World's Oldest Profession

Older, dirty-looking hobo: Hey, spare me some change, all I want tonight is a hooker and some malt liquor.

–Ave A & 4th St

20-something girl: Seriously! There is nothing better after a stressful day than stealing a car, picking up a hooker, taking her to the beach, fucking her, killing her, getting your money back and not getting arrested. Nothing!

–Underhill & St. Mark's, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Claire H.

Young woman to boss: If you don't give me more hours, I'mma have to start sellin' my pussy!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Holly

Subway musician in drag the night before Valentine's Day: Be with the one you love! If you don't have anyone, then hire somebody! And keep your receipt!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Morning Glory

Musician on train platform: Everything gonna be alright! Get home safe, New York. Remember: if you see something, say something, don't keep it to yourself. And remember, New York, if you can't be with the one you love, pay someone! Keep all the receipts. I know what I'm talking about.

–B Train

Overheard by: Free Love

Wednesday One-liners Need Relationship Counseling

Black guy: I ain’t saying I love her, but I got feelings for the bitch. –82nd & 2nd Overheard by: Rick Segall Fratboy: Fuck the afterlife. I want my 72 virgins now. –111th & Broadway Overheard by: Djlindee Shoplady on phone: Oh, so did she tell you about her sex? Well, she told me…I mean, she’s ugly but it’s good to know even ugly people can have good imaginary sex. –Barbara Feinman Millinery, St. Mark’s Place Overheard by: Sarah C Jamaican lady: We don’t fuck for enjoyment, we fuck for love. –Washington Heights Guy on cell: You had sex with my sister!…Well was she any good?…Where the hell did she learn that nifty trick? –Times Square Guy: Oh, you should come by the soup kitchen I run. There are no homeless people. Only real estate people. I used to go…I would go on Wednesday (snaps fingers) and I’d have a date for Saturday. –Union Squre theatre Suit: Marriage is so fucking out in banking right now. I was engaged for a while, just because I wanted to plant my seed, you know. But that didn’t work out. –Wall Street Overheard by: Black Red Yellow NYC

Scott Baio Is 45…and a Wednesday One-Liner

Man to woman: You wouldn't procreate with Boomer Esiason, even though he's the king of Cincinnati?

–Deli, Canal & Hudson

Overheard by: Uncle Bling

Man on cell: Elvis made ten million dollars last year and he's dead. There's no reason I can't make a thousand.

–Park Slope

Hipster: I like Steve Buscemi a lot more than I like you.

–Life Cafe, Bushwick

Overheard by: D

Woman in Southern accent to man: Look, the McGraw-Hill building. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill must own that building!

–W 49th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Michael

Middle aged white man to friend: I finally figured it out. "Mystikal" sounds like a constipated Samuel L. Jackson.

–LIRR

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Think Of It As “Long-Term Borrowing”

Rich girl: I went to Forever21 and bought a dress. Then I stole some sunglasses and other accessories along with it, cause you know, times are rough.

–Metro-North Rail

Run-down-looking middle-aged guy: I got my phone stolen. Uh-huh. No, it wasn't even a trick, it was a friend!

–Home Depot, 23rd St

Overheard by: STC

Very loud child at display of cars to mother in line: It's okay, mom! You don't need to buy one for me. I can just take one and run out. Maybe even two, easy!

–Rite Aid, Brooklyn

Overheard by: oneofmanymikes

Shopping lady to friend: It's okay to steal but it's not okay to be gay.

–94th & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: venniblue

Girl on phone: So you actually caught him stealing from you? (pause) Okay. (pause) Well, you didn't want that anyway. So you're still going to fuck him, right?

–Broadway & 21st St

Wednesday One-Liners Clutch Their Fannypacks

Tourist: What’s that entrance right over there… Where it says, ‘Exit’?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Ms. Dubs

Man to wife and children: I don’t know why you’re following me! I have no clue where I’m going!

–Rockefeller Center

Drunk male tourist: What time does Times Square close?

–Outside Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Genissimo

Southern tourist dad: ‘Papa Yaking’? What in the hell kinda crazy Jewish name is that?

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Manhattman

Fat Southern lady with teal leggings standing beside fat man with large rodeo belt buckle and USS Nimitz hat to security guard: We’re tourists…

–MoMA

Overheard by: Daniel B

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Wait for Casual Friday

Suit to table of coworkers: … And I still shit on the floor!

–Lombardi’s, Spring St

Overheard by: bdangadang

Suit on cell: No, I’m just saying that you are being very unresponsive… Unresponsive! Do you know what unresponsive means? … Hello?

–Grand Central

Overheard by: amanda

Suit answering cell: Hi. Yeah, I’m just being screwed in Penn Station…

–Penn Station

Overheard by: walty

Suit on cell: Wait, he really locked himself in the car? Shit, he’s seriously going to blow his brains out… I know, call Denise. We’re fucked.

–55th & 6th

Overheard by: CK

Suit on cell: So, apparently they think that I think I’m, like, Britney Spears or something…

–42nd & Park

I Got 99 Problems (But a Wednesday One-Liner Ain’t One)

Guy on phone: Listen, dude. Whenever you hang out with me again, don’t bring your wife. She’s a bitch.

–42nd & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Maria

Homeless man on cell: The brother needs to know when to wear a rubber, man. That’s some easy pussy. The bitch just needs a crib to bang in.

–Lafayette & Broadway

Queer: That bitch called me and was like, ‘I swallowed a bunch of pills.’ And I’m like, ‘Obviously that shit didn’t work, now did it — if your ass is calling me? You need to get yourself into the Drano. I’ll wait on the line while you do.’

–W 4th & 6th

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Gangster girl to gangster boyfriend: I hope I don’t have to fight nobody on this train or else I’ll go Jet Li on this bitch.

–D Train

Overheard by: Kate

Woman: Stand clear of the closing doors. Please don’t hold the doors unless you wanna get bitch-slapped.

–A Train

Overheard by: Josh H

Black man on cell: Alright, you go take a shower and wash that kitty cat real good. [Hangs up] Right, that bitch never fuckin’ do nothin’.

–Metro North train to Grand Central

Overheard by: pepepepepe!

Eight-year-old girl trying to catch up to group of girls her age: Wait up, bitches! Wait up, you bitches! [Girls don’t wait for her] Beeyotches!

–91st & 2nd

Wednesday One-Liners Get Railroaded

Conductor: Check around, make sure you have all of your belongings. If you have small children, make sure you hold onto them. (in haunting tone) Wouldn't want to see them disappear…into the gap.

–Metro-North Line

Overheard by: Jess

Train conductor on PA: The last car is the quiet car. No cell phones or loud conversations please. If you need to have a conversation, please do so silently.

–Penn Station

Conductress, in monotone: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough…in the borough….in the borough of Manhattan.

–D Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Conductor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin' for the local train on the other platform: hey yo! We over here!

–14th Street Station

MTA conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train will be out of commission, uh…right now. Get out!

–MetroNorth Train

Overheard by: Kellin

Train conductor: Ladies and gentleman, brace for impact. (pause) Nah…just kidding, I could never pull that shit off. Y'all lucky we underground! Have a safe day.

–A Train