Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t As Good on a Cracker As You May Have Heard

Dude, about Gillette shaving products: It’s like sperm. [Notices girl staring] … Yeah, it’s like sperm. –Hunter College Overheard by: tanechka Chesty preggers: I thought he was shooting blanks! I mean, he only drank Mountain Dew and wore tighty-whities! –Near the Pink Pony, LES Dude: I don’t have time for your premature ejaculation! –Harlem Girlfriend to boyfriend: Dammit, John, sperm does not cure everything! You’re crazy! –East Williamsburg Overheard by: azraela

Getting Wednesdayed Is Easy; Staying One-Linered Is Hard

Man to woman: Well, I've already been in two successful marriages… –Hudson River Park Talkative husband to blase wife: We've been married for over a year, who would not like us? –F Train Overheard by: Elise Girl: So, when you say "married," is that like "married-and-just-not-divorced-yet," or like "married-married-and-actually-living-together"? –6 Train Woman on cell: Well, it's a good thing you didn't marry Susan's brother, because he ended up losing a testicle. –DUMBO, Brooklyn Overheard by: Megan Woman on cell: Sorry, but if I wanted to be heavily sedated and drunk all day, I'd marry you. –Columbus Circle Overheard by: Josh Guy with eye patch: If a girl eats out your ass on the first date, you marry her! –77th & 34th

Wednesday One-Liners Aren't That Kind Of Streetwalker

Police officer to taxi driver: If you just hit one, the rest will scatter. –Herald Square Guy to girl, pushing her into the street: Anna versus car, who will win? –E Houston & Ave D Overheard by: haha Tourist to New Yorker: You're not supposed to jaywalk! –Herald Square Chick to another: We didn't get hit by a car… Oh well, maybe next time. –7th & 23rd Overheard by: Stormy Guy with stroller to passing car: You hit my baby, I'll take your car! –Fordham & Hoffman Overheard by: sromeo Crossing guard, watching pedestrian cross in a hurry: My money's on the bus! –Lower Manhattan Overheard by: Steve

Wednesday One-Liners Take Root

Guy: He totally harassed my mother into getting a haircut. It was basically like rape. Except, you know, with a haircut. –6 train Overheard by: Always Amazed 20-something: It’s one of those bars in Williamsburg that you can’t get in unless you have a mustache. –Brooklyn-bound L train College girl: Do you want glow-in-the-dark body hair? –LIRR, Penn Station Overheard by: catherine Chick in elevator: I don’t complain about stuff. Well, maybe my hair, but only because my hair is, like, really, really important! –NYU Palladium Tourist dad braiding wife’s hair: … And that’s what they mean by ‘nappy-headed hos.’ –Central Park South Overheard by: eric Chick with Pirate Queen playbill: Besides, you could tell that the other clan wasn’t going to get very far, because the clan leader just didn’t have very good hair. –44th & 9th Overheard by: Rose Fox Flight attendant: Everyone, please remain seated until the captain turns off the ‘Fasten seatbelt’ sign. That includes annoying little girls with dark brown, curly hair. –JetBlue flight, JFK

Wednesday One-Minors

Seven-year-old boy to father: Did you know that when you get into middle school, all the girls care about is whether you're rich and have a cute ass? In elementary school, they only care about if you can run fast. If you run the fastest, you get all the girls. –Flushing, Queens Overheard by: Tara Small boy to teacher in increasingly panicky voice: Is this Narnia? We're not Narnians yet, right?! –NYU Kimmel Center Overheard by: Narnia @ NYU? Five-year-old to three-year-old brother: Listen, we're going to have food all winter. It's hibernation. You know what hibernation is, don't you? Hibernation is when animals eat a lot of food and sleep all winter. We're gonna hibernate! –M104 Bus Overheard by: Samantha Little kid: Grandma, smell this! It's Obsession for Men! –Bergdorf Goodman Sobbing five-year-old girl to mom in CD section: I wanna download, I don't wanna waste my money. –Borders, Columbus Circle Overheard by: Can records labels sue toddlers?

Wednesday One-Liners Leave a Note

Clerk: … So she pulls the suicide card. On the second date! –30th St Overheard by: Schroeder Sociology professor: Just think of your life as a thousand chances a day to commit suicide. –NYU Pessimistic teen: Jelly beans make me want to kill myself. –Tasti D-Lite, Bleecker & MacDougall Overheard by: Louis Chick: I would never commit suicide! I would do something instead. You know, like cut sugar cane… –NYU Overheard by: Nosy

Wednesday Hearts One-Liners

White trash woman to angry boyfriend: Stop! I'm in my car and I love myself! I love myself! Fuck you if you don't love yourself! Tyra says to love yourself, and I love myself! –49th & 11th Conductor: Passengers, as you all know the New Haven line is known as the Love Line, because of our red colors and red schedules. For Valentine's Day why not buy a loved one a ticket? Nothing says "I love you" like a Metro North ticket! Imagine the look on your mother-in-law's face when she opens up her present to find a one way trip to Manhattan! –Metro North Train Sorority girl: And this is a list of all the girls who love Jell-o. –St. John's University Overheard by: Peter G Guy on Bluetooth: What did I say? I said I love you and you didn't fucking say anything back. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? –Jackson Heights Excited black guy to friend: Damn! I think I'm in love, she's like the whole package! She's pretty, she's fuckable, and she can cook! –A Train Overheard by: Tim Little boy leaving the church: Bye, Jesus! I love you! –Riverside Church Overheard by: Stephanie

Wednesday One-Liners Ask: Hot Enough For Ya?

Logistical genius: If the power goes out and we lose the air conditioning, we can always use the fans. –SoHo Dude on cell: Am I keeping it real? I’m wearing a Goddamn blazer, and it’s 100 degrees out. Of course I’m keeping it real! –Hudson & Leroy Conductor: Now, I know it’s real hot out there, so this is what I do when I’m walking down the streets of New York and trying to keep cool. I just sing this little song to myself: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know”…All right, you all, this is 68th Street. Keep cool out there. –A train Overheard by: Chloe Woman to her son: It’s too hot for stupidness. –59th St Proselytizer: You think this is hot? Hell is hot! –Uptown N train Overheard by: Cpt. Kate Guy on cell: How you been doing in this heatwave?…That’s hot…Well, now I’m getting all hot, thinking of my hot, sweaty cousin. –Union Square Overheard by: Nozomi Dedicated employee: Frankly, the only reason I’m going in to work today is because they have better air conditioning than I do. –Manhattan bound R train Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Logs of Wednesday One-liners

Guy: You know, we really should do something with all that driftwood we brought back from Canada. –West Elm furniture, DUMBO Overheard by: Ashley The husband scoops dog shit in a clear plastic bag, swings it around and calls out to his wife: Hey, Marla! Ya hungry? Hot fudge, fresh from the oven! –Prince St. between Thompson & West Broadway