Archive for the ‘Weed’ Category

“That'sa Spicy Wednesday One-Liner!”

Drunk guy, matter-of-factly: Everyone comes in here and thinks they're smelling pot, when really they're just smelling Italians.

–Hammerstein Ballroom Men's Room

Young girl on cell: Well, I mean, I have eaten macaroni. Does that count as Italian?

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Kayla Monetta

Man on cell: And this guy smelled like shit! (pause) Yeah, I told him, "you smell like Italian."

–E 10th & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: molina1230

Loud bridesmaid at Guido wedding: I'm Sicilian from the waist up, American from the waist down.

–Brooklyn Botanic Garden

College guy to friend: From the minute they got here, they started eating. Italian feasts are pornography. Italian food is illicit sex to the puritans. Everything the puritans eat is bland and brown.

–Brooklyn College

Middle-aged, pot-bellied guy with a long pony-tail, stopping young woman on the street: Excuse me, but I just want to say, once you've had Italian food, you're not hungry for anything else. I just ate a calzone and now I'm going to go home and just go to sleep!

–8th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Not hungry either

Wednesday One-Liners Ain't Got the Money, Honey

Older man, to no one in particular: That's why I keep my income low, so no one jumps me.

–Myrtle & Clinton, Brooklyn

Woman with scratch-off lotto card to friend: I won four dollars! I won four dollars! You know I can't spend that, though. I gotta get food for my kids. Those niggas be hungry!

–Staten Island Ferry

Angelic-looking teen girl screaming into cell: Are you coming to the movies with me? You're broke? Just mug someone on the way. Mug someone! (pause) Mug! M-u-g! Rhymes with "thug"!

–Chambers & West St

Puerto Rican dude on cell: I ain't got no money. I got weed, but I ain't got no money.

–25th St & 7th Ave

Village lady: She was in foreclosure before it was fashionable to be in foreclosure.

–Bleecker & Mercer

That's 15 Seconds Of Reading Time I'll Never Get Back

Teen boy #1, dressed in leather biker jackets and combat books: I've done nothing for days except drink beer and smoke pot. I drink, and I smoke, and I drink, and I smoke, and then I get on the train. To go drink and smoke.
Teen boy #2, wearing same outfit: I know.
Boy #1: But I've got to enjoy it now, you know? When I turn 18, everything is going to change.
Teen boy #2: Dude, totally.
Teen boy #1: When I turn 18, I'm either going to get a car, get a really big tattoo, or get a girlfriend.
Teen boy #2: Really?
Teen boy #1: Yeah, totally. It's going to be way different.
Teen boy #2: What kind of car?
Teen boy #1: Something cool. Maybe a Toyota Corolla or something. I want to be able to go to New Palz whenever, you know? And hang out with my crew up there.
Teen boy #2: New Palz is so cool.
Teen boy #1: I know.

–F Train

The Sum Of All Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on cell: And when my brother got near him, his poop came out. That's how scared he was.

–107th & Broadway

Woman on cell: So yeah, they are really scary, like if you walk in the house they will bark really loud, and that's totally worse than them biting you.

–Majestic Theater

Girl on cell: I went in for genetic counseling and I found out things that scared me.

–10th Ave & 39th St

Overheard by: Todd Fletcher

Girl on cell: No, you can't go! I'm too stoned and too scared. Just stay on the phone with me, please.

–Supermarket, Astoria

Conductor: Never fear! The phantom of the train is here!

–7 Train

Overheard by: Alex

Wednesday One-Liners: Unclean! Unclean!

20-something female on cell: But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.

–23rd St & 5th Ave

Customer, after placing order: …with hardboiled eggs.
Gay waiter: Hardboiled eggs smell like dirty assholes, an I've seen a few dirty assholes.

–Denny's

Overheard by: student-19

Preppy guy on cell: No, dude! I don't know, like…like really dirty girls.

–86th & Lexington

Overheard by: Anne

12-year-old boy to mother: The bum, you know! The dirty man that plays with me.

–Forest Parkway

Overheard by: Jason A

Guy dancing on new lawn: This isn't even good grass! It's dirty, yo!

–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn

Wednesday's One-Liners Sell Themselves

Teenage nerd: My boss and my dealer have the same name. One time I called my boss asking for weed, and he was like "hey!" and I was like "yo, lemme cop" and he was like "I think you have the wrong number" and I hung up.

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: joy

Yuppie 30-something in black coat and white scarf: I'm going crazy! I've got his dealer's number programmed into my phone, but I can't remember her name, so if I call, I won't know who to ask for. And you have to know who to ask for, or they'll think you're a cop!

–16th St & 7th Ave

Loud, mildly intoxicated girl at dinner: People who litter are so much worse than drug dealers.

–Brooklyn

Lady on cell: Tourism is the only industry that doesn't depend on drug cartels.

–14th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Diaz

Meet the Wednesday One-Liners Who Wrecked the Economy

Suit on cell: I mean, imagine our mothers in Playboy

–Borders, Penn Station

Overheard by: I'd Rather Not

50-something suit to others: Ya, we sold ten bags of herb and made $100.

–Wall St & William St

Overheard by: Mike D

Suit on cell: Hey, mom! Ma! 7 cents! You owe me 7 cents!

–5th Ave & 22nd St

Overheard by: Katie

30-something suit to hot female: I can't reassure you about your body while we're in bed, because that would imply that there's something going on between us.

–W Broadway & Houston

Man in suit: Every day I try to do something out of my comfort zone, like hanging out with you.

–Broadway & Murray St