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She Learned Her Lesson from the "You Kids Like Rape?" Guy
Suit to teen couple: You kids like drugs?
Girl: Um... Is that a trick question?
--Union Square
Headline by: MrCandey
Runners-Up:
· "Because I Only Trick for Cocaine" - ToddS
· "Like "Find America on a Map?" - Krisztina
· "Listen, Are You Getting In This Van Or What?" - gib
· "No, but Speak Closer to My Tie..." - Danny the Mullins
· "Worst Narc Ever" - samson
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And He Always Explodes Too Soon
Cute blonde: So, I thought I might like him, and we went on some fun dates, but then he shaved his head and now I can't go out with him.
Friend: Wait -- what's wrong with him shaving his head?
Cute blonde: Well, nothing in theory, but now he looks like a terrorist.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: uptown girl
Headline by: Sarah K
Runners-Up:
· "...Or Ghandi, Whichever." - Johnny
· "And He Wants Me to Call Him Britney in Bed" - Sim Etrias
· "And the Anthrax in His Apartment Is No Picnic Either" - Naked Lunch
· "Oh, Whew... I Thought You Said, "tourist"" - Rhadamanthus
· "Plus, I Wouldn't Qualify As One Of His 72 Virgins" - MarioRPG
· "Racial Profiling Is So Hot Right Now" - Fran
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
But after a While, I'd Tell Him I Was Dieting
Teen girl #1: What if chocolate came out of dicks?
Teen girl #2: Well, then I'd pay him five dollars!
--Union Square
Headline by: MarioRPG
Runners-Up:
· "A Fine Example Of a Win-win Situation" - mike
· "I'm a Dick and Chocolate Comes Out Of Me About Twice a Day." - Redneck Jedi
· "R. Kelly Trains 'Em Young" - haz
· "We Could Stop Renting Those Party Fountains" - Golf Widow
· "Willy Wonka's Splendifferous Splooge" - MiaMiaPantsonFia
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Mother Nature Gets Her Period
Woman #1: Don't step on those leaves!
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: This is why I don't come to Manhattan -- all these goddamn trees. I hate leaves.
--Grand & Essex
Overheard by: wb
Headline by: Gunther
Runners-Up:
· "But I Love the Black Gum Splotches On The Sidewalk" - Naked Lunch
· "Hobos, on the Other Hand, Are Manhattan's Welcome Mat" - Kristin
· "In Jersey We Don't Have to Put Up with This Crap" - PeterG
· "There's Nothing a New Yorker Won't Hate" - Volante
· "This Is Why I Hate Leaving the Bunker." - sweetchuck
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Enough to Be Greedy, but Not Enough to Feel Guilty about It
Chick #1: Sometimes I wonder if my Jewishness has more to do with living in New York.
Chick #2: I totally know what you mean. Like, how Jewish would we be in California?
--7th St, between 1st & Ave A
Headline by: Kevin
Runners-Up:
· "Fantastic Goyage" - j3rry
· "I Think More Than Madonna, Less Than Jesus" - alex gherardi
· "Like, Do These Tefillin, Like, Make My Wig Look Fat?" - Herbie McHebrew
· "Putting the El-Al in LA" - kerm
· "We Still Wouldn't Swallow, but We'd Spit Cooler" - RaindanceRichard
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's All Fun and Games Until He Drives the Bus into the River
Bus driver: Next stop: 60th Street, transfer to the four, five, six or the N/R. Sixtieth Street and Bloomingdales, next stop... Hi, everyone -- I'd like to take this red light to thank you for joining us on this, the one hundred and fifteenth run of the M103 bus. Now, I know some of you have had bad days at school, work, church, et cetera, but please don't bring that home to your loved ones. Leave all your stress on the bus, and I'll toss it into the East River for you when we pass it. [Applause.]
Middle-aged woman: Well, that was nice of him!
--M103 bus, 3rd Ave
Or Ugly People... Still You.
Woman digging through scarves: Do you think these are for older people?
Male pal: Yes, for older people. For you.
--The Met store
Overheard by: akka
Headline by: Stretchen
Runners-Up:
· "Definetely In The Friend Zone" - Dion
· "Never Insult a Woman with a Perfect Choking Device" - Megan
· "No One Said Ashton Kutcher Was Bright" - punk'd
· "That's It. I'm Leaving My Teeth in Next Time I Blow You." - laladypoet
· "They Help Catch the Drool" - Dan
· "Well That's the Last He'll See Of the Sagging Sisters" - L
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I, Uh... Know?
Male hockey fan: I swear -- if he shows me his ass one more time...
Female hockey fan: I know!
Male hockey fan: Seriously, I've seen the inside of his colon.
--33rd & 7th
Headline by: Rhys Southan
Runners-Up:
· "And Trust Me, It's Not All It's Cracked Up to Be" - Mike N
· "But I Had to Pay Extra" - Anna
· "Giuliani's Clean Bill Of Health Proves Not to Be Factor with Voters" - Jatmos
· "Now Let's Take Off These Rubber Gloves and Go to the Game" - Julie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
But Thanks Anyway for Paying to Have the Teeth in My Vagina Straightened
20-something girl, bawling: It's not funny! I turn boys gay, Dad.
--Aroma Cafe
Headline by: shudder
Runners-Up:
· "A Father's Dream Comes True" - 6th Floor Blogger
· "Put Other Daddy on the Phone!" - KJM
· "There Are No Strap-Ons Without Consequences" - Captain Hetero
· "There, There, Liza. It'll Be Okay." - Howard Bannister
· "Worst Super Power Ever" - Cricket
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
That's Code for, "I'm Lost, Too"
Man: Excuse me, could you tell me where--
Biotech, interrupting: --Look, I don't have time to make up fake directions.
--W Broadway
Headline by: Trey Jackson
Runners-Up:
· "And This Rudeness Is Two Seconds Of My Life I'll Never Get Back" - Markle
· "And, Being a New Yorker, I Certainly Won't Give You Real Ones" - Yana
· "Mapquest's Employee Of the Month" - Claire
· "Or The Knowledge for Real Ones" - DIck
· "So Take a Left Over There" - emily bess
· "Take a Cab. Be Sure You Tell the Driver You're from Out Of Town." - jnr
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Shouldn't Have Laughed So Hard at the Poor People
JAP halting mid-stride: Wait a sec... Why are my pants wet?!
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: my boyfriend is a grizzly bear
Headline by: John
Runners-Up:
· "And Who Dropped That Baby?" - trade800
· "Bob the Urinating Hobo Ninja Strikes Again" - Darryl S.
· "Did A Bag Of Money Just Walk By?" - Jolly
· "The Joys Of Unknown Pregnancy Coming Full Term" - The Lazy Canadian
· "This Eventually Happens to Every New Yorker" - Dagre
· "Was Too Busy Shopping to Be Toilet Trained" - G
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Mr. Logic No Longer Tries to Give Advice in Person, Ever Since Ms. Hormones Severed Mr. Johnson
Man on phone: Nicole, Nicole, you're wrong. Why don't you calm down and listen to Mr. Logic? Mr. Logic says...
--Office, Midtown
Overheard by: Trouble
Headline by: JohnnyB
Runners-Up:
· "... You Probably Had Herpes Before You Met Me." - KJM
· "...maybe Dating a Writer for Sesame Street Wasn't Such a Good Idea." - df
· "It Won't Do Any Good If She Can't Actually SEE the Hand Puppet." - Zenece
· "Now Tom, That Only Works on Katie..." - Lindsey
· "Worst Penis Name, Ever." - Jim C.
· "You're 8 Months Pregnant, Birth Control May Be Moot" - Rose
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Went to NYC and All I Got Was This Rash
Drunk tourist flirt: It was verrry nice meeting you all, and I hope to see you all again real soon! [Shakes hands with local teens, then leaves.]
Local teen, to friends: Yo, she wanna fuck e'rybody!
--4 train
Overheard by: Not Me
Headline by: VeggieGirl
Runners-Up:
· "As If We Need to Import That or Something" - gib
· "I Went to NY and All I Got Was Bukkake" - Ken H.
· "Reader Survey: Britney, Paris, or Lindsey? Vote Now!" - Fleetline
· "She Ran Out Of Folks to Fuck Back in Iowa." - Redneck Jedi
· "Southern Hospitality Is the Shizzle" - The Heiress
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
She Should Be Making Baskets and Babies
Woman in traditional African attire, on phone: That girl don't do nothin' but make money!
--47th & 6th
Overheard by: kate
Headline by: T Perk
Runners-Up:
· "AND Her Clitoris Is Still Attached, the Bitch!" - s h
· "Actually, It's Babies, but After They're Sold, Same Difference" - M
· "Oprah's International Press Agent" - PeterG
· "She Should Be Popping Out Her 10th Kid by Now!" - steph
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Jesus Will Try Anything to Impress Us These Days
Man: The one time I bought a steak from here I left it out and it turned all brown.
Cashier: Yeah?
Man: Yeah... But then the next time I just put it in my pocket and it stayed good all day.
--D'Agastino
Overheard by: kimmy-yo
Headline by: Gaping MAW
Runners-Up:
· "Don't Ask Where He Keeps the A-1..." - the horologist
· "Gives a Whole New Meaning to Meat-packing" - Gosia
· "He Said, As He Pulled Out His Penis." - Allan
· "I Got a T-Bone in My Pocket with Your Name on It" - Marc Bernard
· "My Crotch Always Has a Chilling Effect" - Rhys Southan
· "Worst Pickup Artist Ever" - smittie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
How Seacrest Saved Britney
Girl: Ugh! Can I hang myself with your tie, please?
Guy: No! I love this tie!
--110th & Manhattan
Overheard by: Chrissy
Headline by: axc
Runners-Up:
· "But Here's a Shoelace. And a Gun. And Some Pills..." - Laura
· "But I'm So Over This Kitchen Knife..." - Rod W
· "It's Hard Getting That "Desparate Chick" Smell Out Of Your Laundry" - Dagre
· "It's Not Like I'm Taking It with Me..." - mo
· "Lives Come and Go, But Argyle Is Forever" - Patrick
· "Use This Noose I Hate." - pbump
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Give It Up, Y'all, for J-Naz and the A-posse of Twelve
Puerto Rican girl: You know what my mother always says? 'Jesus danced, Jesus drank, or else why would we make a wine out of him?'
Haitian guy: Amen! Hallelujah!
Black girl: Jesus wanted us to get down with it.
--Brooklyn College
Headline by: jason daniel
Runners-Up:
· "Resurrection Red, Walks on Water White, or Virgin Birth Blush?" - Fred
· "Shake This, For This Is My Booty" - Meredith
· "Suffer the Blunts and 40s to Come Unto Me" - likeitornot
· "What CAN'T That Nigga Do?" - Joeritos
· "Word. (of the Lord)" - Janet E
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Let's Hope She Finds the Coathangers Next Time
Chick changing baby on bedding display: Do we need to buy this pillow now?
Hubby: Did he shit on it?
Chick: I don't think.
Hubby, smelling pillow: S'all good.
Chick, holding dirty diaper and wipes: Where's that shelf with the trash cans?
--Target, Queens
Headline by: Redneck Jedi
Runners-Up:
· "Mentioning Britney Spears Would Just Be Too Easy" - chelsea
· "Over There, Under the Security Cameras" - Katy
· "Over by That Sense Of Decency You Apparently Can't Afford." - Beryl
· "The New York Native Living Off The Land" - harris
· "Wait.. for the Baby or the Diaper..?" - Mike N.
· "Where Do They Think They Are? WalMart?" - Bill
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'll Make a Toast with My 40 and Put a Cap in Your Ass with My .38
Son: I wasn't talking about drinking champagne.
Mom: You don't know anything. You make a toast with champagne, not 40s!
--Bushwick
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor
Headline by: Hobo Whisperer
Runners-Up:
· "Miss Manners Said So" - John
· "Not According to "Martha Stewart's Bronx Living", Mom" - Gabbertoons
· "Parenting on the Rocks?" - crystal
· "Shows What You Know About the Elite and Enviable Life Of the Fratboy." - danielle
· "Spike Lee Fights the Power" - glenntronic
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You Tell Me -- He's Right There Next to the Tuna
Fish guy: Yeah, my dad died of colon cancer in 2001.
Blonde: Oh, how's he doing?
--Grocery store, Astoria
Overheard by: Dustin
Headline by: Mr. Gee
Runners-Up:
· "'Great Listener' Is On Her Resumee" - Denny
· "Decomposing Quite Nicely, Thank You for Asking" - RBNY
· "I'd Say His Condition Is Stable" - Tadzio
· "Rolling Over About Now" - Kaitlen
· "Rotting, No Doubt" - Katy
· "Well, Mom Won't Share a Bed with Him Anymore." - Cassie
· "Worst Pick-up, Best Blow-off" - halfknot
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Then I Can't Help You because You're Not Real
Brit: Hello, my HSBC debit card isn't working at the ATM. The bank probably thinks there's fraudulent activity since I'm in America and not in England.
Teller: Okay, I'll check it out... I can't seem to find your account, sir. What's your social security number?
Brit: Huh?
Teller: Your social security number -- do you not have one?
Brit: No...
Teller: Hmmm. Okay...
--HSBC, 40th & 5th
Overheard by: Rachel W.
Headline by: have SSS #, am real
Runners-Up:
· "...Then Please Sing the National Anthem." - pbump
· "How About Your Penis Size, Then?" - Mikey G.
· "I've Contacted Homeland Security. Enjoy Syria." - Daniel Patterson
· "Okay I Need You to Fill Out IRS Form W-7 and Apply for a Tax Id Number and Then Come Back to This Counter in 4-6 Months." - Ty
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Only for Catholics
Teen: That guy is jerkin' it right there in public!
Mother: Look away. He just has a disease.
Teen: What? So chronic masturbation is a disease now?
--42nd St subway
Overheard by: come again?
Headline by: gerard
Runners-Up:
· "Cause Dad Said Its a Cure for Fat Wife Syndrome" - angelica cayne
· "Come Again?" - Mary Beth
· "Ironically, NOT Healed by Laying on Of Hands" - JohnnyB
· "Momma Don't Know Jack." - jason daniel
· "No. I Was Referring To The Pus Pockets On The Head Of His Penis." - Redneck Jedi
· "There's Even a 12 Stroke Program" - Grantakerous
· "We're Tivoing _That_ Telethon!" - Vera Vaughan Hough
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
When Jesus Met Mary Magdalene
Chick: I just don't really like running through the Hasidic neighborhoods in my sports bra...
Guy: Uh-huh.
Chick: It makes me feel uncomfortable.
Guy: Yeah.
Chick: So I don't think I'm going to do that anymore.
--Bogart & Moore St, Bushwick
Overheard by: Erin
Headline by: TWWS
Runners-Up:
· "But I'm Still Wearing My Swastika Thong." - Craig should be working
· "Do I, Uh, Know You?" - clash
· "I Didn't Hear Anything but 'bra'" - 6th Floor Blogger
· "I'll Try Yarmulke Pasties Instead" - Katie
· "Too Many Guys Trying to Challah at Me" - Rottin' in Denmark
· "Topless It Is" - Sean McGurr
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'll Trade You Three Holes for Three Holes
Girl: I'll have a dozen bagels.
Bagel guy: I can't pass up on this opportunity. I have to tell you that you're really cute.
Girl: [Blushes.]
Bagel guy: Do you know what the difference between cute and not cute is?
Girl: ... Nooo, what?
Bagel guy: Three bagels. [Hands girl 15 bagels.]
--Jumbo Bagels, 57th & 2nd
Overheard by: paid full price
Headline by: Billy Splatts!
Runners-Up:
· "Beauty's in the Eye Of the Bagelholder" - JoAnne
· "Don't Ask How I Made the Holes" - Duncan Pflaster
· "Funny, That Also Used to Be a Weight Watchers Slogan" - 2bagelscute
· "It's Also the Difference Between Employed and Not Employed" - Caro
· "O! She Doth Teach The Toasters To Burn Bright" - Paul
· "That's Funny Because That's Also The Difference Between A Handjob And A Blowjob." - BG
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Wait... a Squirrel?
Drunk guy: You know, in my next life time I want to be either reincarnated into a squirrel or into a tiny Mexican.
Drunk girl: What?! Why a tiny Mexican? Why not a tiny Asian or Caucasian?
Drunk guy: 'Cause tiny Mexicans are awesome! They're always funny, fit into small places, they work their asses off, and I can grow a cool mustache and get away with it! Why wouldn't you want to be a tiny Mexican?!
--53rd & 9th
Overheard by: Javier
Headline by: R. Dilla
Runners-Up:
· "Because I Might Get Sucked Into the Leaf-blower" - bobofthejungle
· "Cause It's Hard to Find Tiny Sombreros for Your Tiny Pepe" - Ninja Donkey
· "Plus I'd Get to Ride the Taco Bell Dog" - bob fredson
· "Plus Immigrating Via UPS Would Cost Less" - Ty
· "Regular-Sized INS Agents?" - nick
· "Yeah, but Guess What Else Is Tiny..." - Katy
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's Still Not Going to Convince the U.S. Government to Make Them a Real State.
Black teen: So, what you say your name was?
Hispanic teen: Irving.
Black teen: Irving? How you be Puerto Rican and have a name like 'Irving'? Hi, my name's Irving... That's fucked up.
Hispanic teen: Yeah, Puerto Ricans name their kids some crazy shit.
--4 train
Overheard by: Oy-ving
Headline by: not irving
Runners-Up:
· "Anyway, I Be Seein' You, LaQuan." - Mysteron
· "At Least He Can Pronounce His" - Krisztina
· "Because Getting Your Ass Kicked in Elementary School Makes You Stronger" - cda
· "Don't You Agree, Daquanjalomarterius?" - Karyn
· "Kind Of Like Being Named After the Car You Were Conceived In, Corolla." - Gunther
· "Yeah, If I Had Your Parents, My Name Would Be Anferny..." - BG
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Jesus Never Was Popular at Temple
Little boy, in silent temple: Hey, Jews! [Five minutes later] Oh, man, I just farted!
--Queens
Overheard by: Mo and Mell
Headline by: haz
Runners-Up:
· "And Moses Said to the Israelities: Pull My Finger" - Luddite
· "Little Hitler's First Attempt at Gassing Jews...." - Allison Brown-Hancock
· "The Day the Jews Told Jesus to Make His Own Religion" - Alice
· "Would a Gas Chamber Joke Be Over the Line?" - wilkeson
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Because Technically, White Is Just the Absence of Race
Puerto Rican girl: Wwhy you all cut that island in half? You racist against the niggas on the other half? They your neighbors!
Dominican girl: I know, right? It's the hatred. Like, you all be racist against white people...
Puerto Rican girl: Yeah, but everyone is racist against white people. That don't count!
--6 train
Overheard by: JS
Headline by: Zorak
Runners-Up:
· "Better to Be the Hater Than the Haiti" - madfigs
· "Just Like Proper Grammar." - Jo
· "The Original 'I Have a Dream' Speech..." - Rahul Advani
· "White People: They Can Do That?" - Kiki Malibu
· "White People Would Have Weighed In, but They Were Golfing" - s h
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Back Home We Have Camps for People Like You!
Angry European husband: Listen, you take American currency, don't you? We can pay US cash! That's money!
Clerk: Sir, the sign says credit, debit or gift card only. We can't accept money at this counter. You have to go to the other side.
Angry European husband: This is bullshit. You don't accept money? You're a liar who doesn't know English! I see everyone here paying money at this counter!
Clerk: Sir, we can't take money at this counter. No cash. No money. Just cards.
Angry European wife: Shut up! You're so stupid!
Clerk: Alright. Bye, have a nice day. Next.
Angry European wife: Shut up! You're so stupid! Learn English before you get a job here!
--Century 21 across from WTC
Headline by: snarls
Runners-Up:
· "Any Wonder They've Starteed Two World Wars Was Immediately Dispatched" - Ty
· "Charles & Camilla Charmed Everyone During Their Visit" - Zoot, Just Zoot
· "Go Back To Whatever Country I Came From" - Kevin P
· "God, I HATE Being Trapped in This Stupid Visa Commercial!" - Never Carries Cash
· "It's Getting Difficult To Tell The Tourists From Natives" - Trey Jackson
· "La Vengeance Est Douce: or How We Learned to Stop Worrying and Love America" - noon
· "The American Meltdown Pot" - Qasar
· "Whose Line Was That, Anyway?" - Marie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Either That or a Nazi Jew
14-year-old black boy: Can we get off this block? I hate this block! I hate cops!
11-year-old black boy: Why?
14-year-old black boy: Because it's in black people's nature to hate cops.
11-year-old black boy, after long pause: So, you want to be a cop?
--123rd & 8th
Overheard by: Tanya
Headline by: kai
Runners-Up:
· "And Before the Session's Over Let's Talk About How You Hate Yo Momma 'cause She So Fat." - JohnnyB
· "Fuck It. You Wanna Play Robbers and Robbers?" - La Libertad
· "If They Can Beat You, Join 'em" - Sim Etrias
· "Look What It Did for Ice T" - Otter
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
UN Negotiators Don't Have the Tact They Used To
Vendor to lady haggling in Chinese: We're not Chinese -- we're Vietnamese. Fuck off.
--Canal St
Overheard by: tj
Headline by: Chris
Runners-Up:
· "Don't Make Me Shank You" - Joeritos
· "Even They Can't Tell Each Other Apart." - marko
· "Everyone's a Rittle Bit Lacist" - Mikey G.
· "The Melting Pot Is Full" - Ecc
· "You Say Tǔ Dòu (potato) and I Say Khoai Tây (po-tah-to)" - H2
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
If It Means You Need Your Insulin, Blink Twice
Five-year-old: Ella, ella, ella, ella, ella, ella...
Suit dad: Alright, look! I don't know what that means, but if it's a bad word I want you to stop saying it!
--F train, 23rd St
Overheard by: EmLo
Headline by: Lou P.
Runners-Up:
· "Don't Fucking Sensor Me, Daddy" - burnt toast
· "Gwen Stefani, Age Five, No Doubt." - kerm
· "I'm Going to Keep Saying My Name Until You Learn It, Daddy" - Kate
· "Stick to Words I Know, Like "Cock-fag" or "Yankees"" - Louis
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
So You're Saying You Won't Give Me a Blowjob?
Man: So, you think I can't understand because I don't have a vagina?
Lesbo: Don't sit like that!
Man: What do you mean?
Lesbo: You're crossing your legs so condescendingly!
--Tea Lounge, Park Slope
Overheard by: Lemma
Headline by: Manbo
Runners-Up:
· "Almost Enough to Make Up for You Lack Of Vagina" - John Gray
· "I'm Just Jealous Because Mine Are Too Fat to Cross That Perfectly" - shenanigans
· "I'm Just Protecting My Tool Of Oppression." - robs
· "Well You're Waving Your Vagina Condescendingly" - burnt toast
· "Worst Yoga Class Ever" - benji
· "Yeah, Well Tell Your Nipples to Quit Pointing at Me" - pw
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
So I Can Hit Them Up for Some Change
Jewish guy, to young white couple: Excuse me, are you Jewish?
Hobo: Man, do they fucking look Jewish?! Leave them the fuck alone, and get the hell outta here!
--9th & 2nd
Overheard by: 54
Headline by: Michael DeLong
Runners-Up:
· "Go Circumcise Somebody Else!" - John
· "Jesus Returns to Do Some Street Work" - Sim Etrias
· "Let My People Go, Bitch!" - jenna
· "Moses Had Such A Temper" - Dion
· "Sorry, Didn't Notice He Was Short One Foreskin." - Sheathed
· "Where Can I Get a Hobo Bodyguard?" - Ashley
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Was Talking to Dave
Girl: There's no way that dog's mouth is cleaner than mine.
Guy #1: It's true. Dogs' mouths are cleaner.
Girl: He was just licking his ass.
Guy #2: You should lick your ass. Maybe you'd be nicer [laughs].
Guy #1: Yeah! [High fives guy #2]. Seriously, though, I'll lick your ass if you want.
Girl: You sicken me.
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Wrong place right time
Headline by: Jon A.
Runners-Up:
· "At Least Rover Licks My Ass with His Pinky Out Like a Gentleman." - KMW
· "Central Park Zoo: The Human Exhibit" - SAtCW
· "I'm Not Hearing a "No"" - x halloween jack x
· "My Two Dads: 2007" - SAtCW
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
So Get Off My Foot and Find Things That Actually Deserve to Be Crushed
Angry, sweaty man pushing through crowd: Come on, move in! There's a lot of room in the middle!
Calm man: There's also a lot of dreams in this world.
--2 train, 34th St
Overheard by: mf
Headline by: CVK
Runners-Up:
· "The Buddha Grows Up" - Barry P.
· "Both Require That Someone Else Gives a Fuck" - Rick Felice
· "Crowds to the Left Of Me, Dreamers to the Right, Here I Am" - Golf Widow
· "The Alternative Martin Luther King Speech" - Peter Madsen
· "Well, Get Them the Hell Out Of My Way!" - Jo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Barbara Bush Is So Fucking Self-righteous
Little girl seeing naked cowgirl: Mommy, how come I can see that lady's boobies?
Mommy: Well, she's letting everybody know it's okay to breast feed.
--46th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chadwick Vogel
Headline by: mbobbinson
Runners-Up:
· "...for Tips" - Melissa
· "And Why Did Daddy Just Walk Into a Pole?" - TJ
· "Her Thong Lets Everyone Know Tips Are Appreciated" - Dangello
· "How Come I Can See Her Vagina?" - Peter Madsen
· "Later, She'll Ride the Mechanical Bull and Serve Us Milkshakes" - Dawn Elizabeth
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Plus, She's Deaf. And German.
Man: I'm thinking about learning Japanese so I can speak to my wife's grandmother.
Lady: That's cool.
Man: Nah, actually, I don't think I will. She's old and only has a couple of years left anyhow. Forget it.
--E 19th & Park Ave South
Headline by: boyhowdy
Runners-Up:
· "Besides, I Hate When She Talks During Sex" - Trey Jackson
· "But Those Gums Look So Soft & Enticing..." - wvs
· "Come to Think Of It, Maybe We'll Stop Feeding Her, Too." - Bobbing for Lucky Charms
· "He Clearly Has No Idea Just How Long Japanese Women Live" - Gaijin
· "Man, Fuck Old People." - RaRa
· "She Can't Be That Old. I Mean, Your Wife's 14." - RaRa
· "THAT'S for Pearl Harbor" - Daniel Patterson
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
What's This "We" Shit?
Man pushing stroller: Do we have a bottle?
Bitchy wife: No, we have my breasts.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Aaron Padwee
Headline by: Danny
Runners-Up:
· "I Can't Beat You With Those" - Digeridude
· "I Meant for the Baby." - thisdaydreamer
· "Shall I Preheat Them For You?" - Mike Curry
· "They're in the Diaper Bag" - Bri
· "Well Pop a Top, Beeyotch!" - Pozo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Locked the Gryffindor and Hung by My Tits from the Ravenclaws While Slytherin' My Hufflepuff
Boyfriend: So you went home, drank two Smirnoff Ices, watched Harry Potter one and a half times, and masturbated twice?
Girlfriend: Yep.
--City Hall Park
Headline by: Lord Pervdevert
Runners-Up:
· "Nice." - ImmaculatePizza
· "And That's Why You Couldn't Meet My Parents?" - Gerard
· "Best 13th Birthday Ever" - downtown
· "Just Another Night for JK Rowling" - Suzy
· "Rookie" - 6th Floor Blogger
· "Underage or Underloved?" - em
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Thanks, Dad.
45-year-old man: ... And since I'm on my way to a business meeting, this drink I just bought you is tax deductible.
College girl: Well, that's nice, I guess.
45-year-old man: Yeah, you've got a big butt and you're tax deductible. That's how I like them.
--Coffee Shop Bar, 14th St
Headline by: Snark Sloper
Runners-Up:
· "Accountant Pickup Line #65337-2366-26637-1" - Works For Me
· "Baby Got Back. -- Cf, Form 1040 Schedule C Line 27" - chris
· "Monica Lewinsky: This Sounds Familiar..." - D. Kareem
· "Until She Capital Gains All That Weight" - Vasyl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Hillary Knows How To Host a Re-election Party
Girl #1: Remember at that party when that stripper picked up a dollar bill with her pussy lips?
Girl #2: Ohhh, yeah -- that wasn't a stripper. That was a full-on whore.
--77th & 1st
Overheard by: mjg
Headline by: clink
Runners-Up:
· "... and It Wasn't a Dollar Bill. That Was a Full-on Penis" - Caro
· "America DOES Have Talent" - Staci Lynn
· "Because I Saw That Thing Give Change" - nicky c.
· "But We Call Her Aunt Gladys" - Mark Paul
· "I Was Just Shocked She Did It through Her Jeans." - SAtCW
· "Kind Of Like the Difference Between Maury Povich and Springer" - alana landa
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
That's a Television, Mr. President.
Man sitting outside building: Hey, Angelo! You know why I sit over here?
Bored doorman: Why?
Man: You can see those midgets straight through there gettin' in and out of that box! They do things you wouldn't believe! Outfits and everything!
--77th St, between Lex & 3rd Ave
Headline by: nick
Runners-Up:
· "Count Me In!" - Lalaith
· "And with a Little Peanut Butter, You Can Get Them to Lick You anywhere." - Jeff P
· "Dude, That's a Fucking Playground" - s h
· "Like Babies but Cuter!" - Tellulah
· "Otis Gets Cable" - D. Kareem
· "That Box? Lindsay Lohan." - sweetchuck
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'm not looking at you. Your bored son is masturbating.
Father: Is he asleep over there?
Mother: Yeah, he's dozing. [Looks at other son.] Are you asleep, too?
Son #2: I'm bored.
Mother: He's always bored. I must've been bored when I made him. [Stands up and leans on father's knee and starts humping.] I'm bored, I'm bored[yawns], I'm bored.
Father: That guy is looking at you.
Mother: So? He doesn't look boring like you.
--Queens-bound F train
Overheard by: That guy on the F Train
Headline by: Jason
Runners-Up:
· "Charles and Diana Ride the Subway?" - Shawn
· "Most Priests Aren't That Exciting" - Brock
· "They Don't Call It the F Train for Nothing" - Sean McGurr
· "This Is the Express Train: From Boring to Whoring" - Sim Etrias
· "Try the Middle Leg....it's Less Boring" - nicky c.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Who Would Be Middle Aged And Be Sober?
Middle-aged lady: Look at that girl! Drunk and it's not even four PM!
Friend: She's not drunk, it's just her shoes!
Middle-aged lady: But... Who would wear high heels and be sober?
--1st & 1st
Overheard by: eliza... the one with the heels
Headline by: Lalaith
Runners-Up:
· "British Comedians in Drag?" - Barry P.
· "I'll Take Old Trades for $100, Alex" - Martin de Bruin
· "She's Also Not a She. Not Originally Anyway." - eric bostrom
· "The Same People Who Wear Crocs While Not Stoned Out Of Their Minds" - Cecilia
· "With Ann Coulter, You Can Never Be Sure." - Jon T
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Hot Dogma
Hot dog vendor: How you like it?
Tourist: Just ketchup, please.
Hot dog vendor: You not like New York style?
Tourist: Sure, but not today.
Hot dog vendor, reluctantly handing over dog: I think you make very big mistake today, sir, and every day, too.
--Battery Park
Headline by: fru
Runners-Up:
· "Just Guessing by That Izod Shirt You Are Wearing" - anne nahm
· "New York Style Always Leaves Me A Little Sore Thanks" - Uulargh of the Prairie
· "New York Style Means the Attitude's Free" - Christine
· "New York Style? How Do They Fit 'Fuck You' In A Bun?" - Taylor
· "New York Style: Mustard, Sauerkraut, Judgement" - kimathi
· "Street Meat, the Best Population Control Money Can Buy." - Chance
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
This nigga on Overheard
Thug #1: We don't even go to the movies or nothin'. She just comes over to smash it and then she leaves. She knows, too. She just comes over for some pipin'.
Thug #2: That's where it's at.
Thug #1: She got a 10-year-old li'l nigga, too. She knows not to ask for somethin' serious. That li'l nigga in fifth grade! That nigga on MySpace!
--Houston & Suffolk
Overheard by: Rhymes With Lasagna
Headline by: ja
Runners-Up:
· "...And "To Catch A Predator"" - Stuck in the MidWest
· "He Comes Over for Some Pipin' Too." - Courtney
· "I Just Have to Wait for Her to Be in Eigth." - Snark Sloper
· "That Li'l Nigga Gots Roast Beef and This Li'l Nigga Gots None." - johnnyb
· "The Nucular Family" - Bill
· "The Waltons, 2007" - G'night, John Boy
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Yeah, but Dads don't count
Girl #1: I am not a slut! You're the slut in this friendship! We agreed on this!
Girl #2: Okay, fine, you're not a slut... But you were straddling him.
--E train
Headline by: DanaLishs
Runners-Up:
· "I Think She Said It Best" - Lalaith
· "I Thought I Was the Slut and You Were the Gutter Slut?" - Molly
· "I Was Just Evening the Score. You're Too Far Ahead." - Jen M.
· "Mary Kate and Ashley, Drunk Again" - Mikey G.
· "Now Go Back to Munching My Box" - K to that B
· "With My Pinkie Out. Like a Lady." - Courtney from Arkansas
· "Yeah, but Only His Face" - Jason
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'd prefer if you just held me, like all the other times
Hobo: Let me sit in your lap and belch like a naughty girl!
Young man: Okay, now I'm freaked out.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Zed
Headline by: tab
Runners-Up:
· "But That's Just The Acid. Have A Seat!" - Lalaith
· "But Not Sufficiently So to Decline Your Generous Offer" - andy
· "Dad, Im Getting to Old for That!!" - not again!
· "Go Home, Britney." - EKC
· "It Sucks to Be New York Santa" - aileen
· "Please Go Back to Humping My Leg." - Dennis
· "The Fairy God Hobo Can Make All Your Dreams Come True..." - Uulargh of the Prairie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Like my sister.
Man: I am concerned about breeding.
Friend: Breeding?!
Man: Yeah, you know -- Jews are pretty inbred. I'm probably going to have kids with three fingers or something. I should have married someone into running -- big and athletic.
--Central Park Reservoir
Headline by: Brooklyn Twang
Runners-Up:
· "But Jews Do Run. They Run Everything." - Rottin' in Denmark
· "Instead Of That Gimp Cousin Of Mine" - Uberjim
· "The E in EHarmony Stands for Eugenics" - quazarfreez
· "The Final Solution 2.0" - Scott Gresham
· "They're Called Germans: But They May Not Be So Into That..." - Caitorade
· "You Know, Someone Who Could Win a "Master Race"" - Mike T
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
...And He Bit My Leg.
Son: I'm thinking of an animal now.
Mother: Does it live in water?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live on land?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live in the air?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live in the subway?
Son: Yes.
Mother: Is it a rat?
Son: No.
Mother: I give up.
Son: It's a homeless person.
--1 train
Headline by: Johnny Utah
Runners-Up:
· "Better Question: Does It Masturbate in the Subway?" - s m
· "Can We Hunt It for Sport on a Private Island?" - space coyote
· "Don't Feed It... It'll Shit Everywhere!" - Hobo Whisperer
· "Homeless: the Other Other White Meat" - Renee
· "New and Improved -- Now with Rabies!" - greatly amused
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Just shut up and keep selling that crack
Little girl: Mommy, can we steal these?
Mother: Not today.
--N train
Overheard by: Shannon
Headline by: chris s.
Runners-Up:
· "Daddy and Timmy Take Mondays" - torqued
· "Monday's Child Is Fair Of Face, Tuesday's Child Robs the Place" - h
· "Remember, Rape First, Then Pillage." - Kristen
· "Today, Mommy's Going to Teach You How to Turn Tricks!" - jane
· "We're Just Casing The Joint Today, Sweetie" - Paul K.
· "When Winona Learned Not to Ask" - Tory
· "Would You Pay Attention to the Calendar I Gave You?" - sr86
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Found the Hole, Looked Inside and Found My Dignity, All Pale and Wrinkled
Coworker #1: Man, last night was a big night. I don't even remember what happened after two. I woke up next to a half-eaten pizza.
Coworker #2: Yeah, I woke up next to a half-inflated blow-up doll. I had to submerge her in water in the morning to find the hole.
--Bar, LES
Headline by: like an albino shame-raisen
Runners-Up:
· "Between Latex and Pepperoni Lies Inebriation. By Calvin Klein" - Dan
· "He Was a Sharp One." - C-in-OH
· "Just Like When I Lost My Virginity, Except This Time I Didn't Kill Her" - Silverfish
· "Pies and Dolls" - Mikkel Hundewadt-Jensen
· "Star Trek Convention: The Morning After" - nicky c.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The long version of "I was drunk"
Spunky gay boy: It's not like I go into the bathroom to nap... But when you're pooping it's just, you know, relaxing, and when I start to read on the pot I'm like Pavlov's dog and I get sleepy!
Skeptical fag hag: That's no excuse for falling asleep naked on my toilet bowl.
Spunky gay boy: Right.
--C train, Hoyt-Schermerhorn St
Headline by: Gold StaR
Runners-Up:
· "But Thanks For The Highest Rated Youtube Hidden Cam Video." - Veronica
· "I'm Surprised You Can Do It Away from the Home...I Thought Your People Were Like Cats." - ImmaculatePizza
· "Pavlov's Log" - Brian G
· "Ring, Ring. Plop, Plop" - Chris
· "The Roofies I Gave You, Now THAT's an Excuse." - Duncan Pflaster
· "Then Whats Your Excuse for Doing It on Mine?" - Lezbotron
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
John Travolta will take any role
Girl: What I really want is a guy who is kind of skinny and almost homosexual.
Fat male passerby: I can be that guy!
--14th & 2nd
Headline by: h
Runners-Up:
· "But One Who Isn't a Scientologist and Didn't Star in the "Mission Impossible" Movies" - Hostrauser
· "Drew Carey Believes He's a Hipster." - Stephalee
· "I Can Be Seven Of That Guy" - Belvedere Jones
· "I'm Not Skinny, but I'm All the Way Homosexual--it Balances Out." - KarenD
· "It Was Rosie O'Donnell" - Jess K.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Interview with an Idiot
Dude: ... And I stabbed her with a pencil. That's when she turned into a vampire!
Friend: Are you serious?
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Stef
Headline by: Arlene
Runners-Up:
· "Night Of the Living Spongebob" - Lalaith
· "Anne Rice Has Officially Run Out Of Ideas" - Jeff
· "It Might Be Time to Retire, Stephen King." - space coyote
· "Sure I Am. Now Finish Your Paint Chips." - Craig should be working
· "Tom Cruise Explains Scientology" - Meg
· "Undead Serious" - t.a.m.s.y.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Fuck the Contest. I'm Joining That Gym!
Workout girl #1: It feels so sticky when I put it on my lips.
Workout girl #2: That's why you don't stick your fingers all the way inside it.
--Synergy Gym, Astoria
Overheard by: Wog
Headline by: Rocks N Socks
Runners-Up:
· "How to Eat a Bowl Of Ice Cream Without a Spoon" - Karl
· "Life Without a Toilet Plunger..." - Jackster
· "Oh Cum On!" - Mike
· "The Rim Is All You Need..." - Steph
· "Winnie The Pooh Had The Same Problem With His Honeypot" - Sticky Thump
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Who Rides in a Short Bus under the Sea?
Kid #1: Seriously?
Kid #2: Yeah, seriously.
Kid #1: Seriously?!
Kid #2: Yes, seriously.
Kid #1: Seriously?
Kid #2: Yes! Seriously! Gosh, you're acting like SpongeBob!
--St. Catherine's Elementary, Brooklyn
Overheard by: rpk
Headline by: Rock Bottom
Runners-Up:
· "...or Alberto Gonzalez under Oath." - JC
· "Actual Script from Laguna Beach" - Jeremy
· "Dude, You've Been Watching Too Much SquarePant's Anatomy" - Breanne S.
· "How Serious Can Spongebob Be If Spongebob Could Be Serious?" - Philip
· "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter - Test Campaign #34" - Paul Sheiman
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Rent sucks. Period.
20-ish girl #1: Ugh! I feel like total crap right now.
20-ish girl #2: Is it your time of the month?
20-ish girl #1: Yeah. I have to pay the rent.
--Grand Central
Headline by: J-oh
Runners-Up:
· "I Had to Sign in Blood." - ewwww
· "It Costs a Lot to Have a Womb with a View" - Marv in DC
· "PM-Escrow" - jodles
· "Still Less Expensive Than a Nine-month Eviction." - Ike
· "Why Rent When You Can Moan?" - JEE
· "With Money From My Menstrual Art" - Aku
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
No, Psychokinetically. And Don't Go All "Carrie" on Me
Mom: Daniel, it's time you started opening doors for me.
Son: Um... okay.
Mom: Well? [Gestures at doors.]
Son: Oh! I thought you meant metaphorically...
--W 111th St
Overheard by: Talker's Remorse
Headline by: Arliss Travers
Runners-Up:
· "...like When We Played Doctor." - mike chmiel
· "Just Like Your Allowance" - nobody
· "No, I Meant Vaginally" - DanaLishs
· "Sorry, My Oedipus Complex Doesn't Kick in for Another Year or Two." - Andrew G
· "Thalidomide or No, You Work That Flipper Young Man" - bobofthejungle
· "The Birds and the Bees Talk Really Confused Me...." - Breanne S.
· "You Know, Like When You Tell Dad the Garden Needs Watering" - Jonty
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
No It Doesn't, and Quit Scratching My Balls
Thug #1: Too much curry, man.
Thug #2: You don't like curry?
Thug #1: Naw...
Thug #2: Yeah, it makes your balls itch.
--Indian spice store, 1st Ave, between 5th & 6th St
Overheard by: Anthony Recchia
Headline by: h
Runners-Up:
· "Be More Discerning Who You Bangalore" - Barry P.
· "He Prefers Ginger Who Makes Them Tingle, Instead." - Lizard
· "No, No, I'm Talking About the Spice, Not the Tim." - Katie
· "Why Else Do You Think Indians Wear Such Loose Pants?" - waphle
· "You Know, Just Because It Looks Like a Baby Powder Bottle..." - Herbie McHebrew
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Winning the War Against Space Chickens, One Bird at a Time
Little boy: Is this a fighter plane?
Grandma: No. A fighter plane is quicker and can only fit two people.
Little boy: ... Then why are there lasers?
--JFK
Overheard by: Adam Vine Whip
Headline by: Miss Edith
Runners-Up:
· "Dont EVER question lasers" - melissa
· "For the sharks, of course" - Britta
· "In case you start kicking the seat in front of you" - bobofthejungle
· "To Protect Us From Gay Marriage" - ImmaculatePizza
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Love Dick, I Just Wish I Liked Yours
Boyfriend: I love Barnes and Noble.
Girlfriend: Yeah, I love books.
Boyfriend: Me, too. I just wish I liked reading.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Headline by: Tosser
Runners-Up:
· "As long as it gets the poo off my ass, I'm happy" - Jim C.
· "But I have a nice set of Hemingway coasters." - Sarah K
· "But get enough of them together, you have one hell of a fort." - DJR
· "I just like to judge them by their covers" - Peter
· "It's goal number 2, right after learnig to color inside the lines" - kristen
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Ennui and Apathy, Living in Perfect Harmony...
Tourist mom: Excuse me, miss, do you know how to get back to Manhattan?
Hipster girl: I'm sorry, I don't really have the energy to give you fake directions right now.
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Headline by: null
Runners-Up:
· "...Between the emphysema from the clove cigarettes and the anemia from cutting myself." - invisible girl
· "And if I give real ones, I lose my hipster certification" - AmyS
· "But for $5, I'll Pretend to Mock Your Fat Children" - Debra, the Barmaid Blog
· "I'm saving it all for defending my bitchy ass in Brooklyn" - knumb
· "When in doubt, Swim" - 6th Floor Blogger
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Could Build a Casino, Then Rob It
Thug: So, if I'm half black and half American Indian, that makes me Puerto Rico.
Thugette: I told you that you was Puerto Rican.
--149th & 3rd, Bronx
Headline by: Mariya
Runners-Up:
· "Actually, it makes you unemployed" - Mr. Bone
· "Bitch, don't be callin' me no adjectival form!" - was "rico"/"rican" the first thing you noticed too?
· "Dora the Explorer: South Bronx Edition" - Scott
· "Runs With Hookers didn't excel in Ethnic Studies" - bri b
· "The new theory of relativity" - sara swank
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Think "Hemingway Stole All His Ideas From Me" Is Explanation Enough
Professor: Care to elaborate on that?
Student who answered question: I'd rather not.
--NYU Law School
Overheard by: Vitto
Headline by: Alli
Runners-Up:
· "But I would like to know the specifics of why you think I should go fuck myself." - Bassmanbish
· "I Don't Think I Could. I Elaborated In The Shower This Morning." - Redneck Jedi
· "Let me rephrase, what the fuck do you mean?" - chris sowell
· "Objection! Asked and answered." - Law School Dropout
· "See 'Billing By the Hour' to Learn Why That's the Wrong Answer" - PhoenixRising
· "The first rule of law school is: We do not talk about law school." - Steve-o
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Oh! The Fucking Places You'll Go!
Conductor: Everything's running normal this weekend.
Black woman: Everything runnin' normal this weekend? Shit, I could take this train to fuckin'... fuckin' anywhere!
--Q train
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: Marc
Runners-Up:
· "Alice in Wonderland, New York Style" - Anastasia Poushkareva
· "Around the Hood in Eighty Days" - ad neal
· "I Meant My Colon" - I Got Real Mail
· "Just a fuckin' small town girl, livin' in a fuckin' lonely world..." - karaoke queen
· "Transfers available to up your ass and go fuck yourself." - mark manne
· "Why Reading Rainbow and drugs don't mix" - mike
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Be Ignored
Teen boy in suit: Wow, look at that cute girl!
Teen boy with rolling book bag: Oh, yeah... I'd like to walk next to that.
--Citibank, Forest Hills
Headline by: Trey
Runners-Up:
· "And then I'd hold the fuck out of her hand" - NJgal
· "Chicks dig my sweet wheels" - Marissa
· "I Would Awkwardly Avoid Eye Contact with That Like A Motherfucker" - Leland
· "I'd Carry Her Books So Hard" - Barry P.
· "I'd stick my pen in that pocket protector!" - wannabenyc
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Blaming Everything on PMS Is #2
Thugette #1: Man, where the fuck am I gonna get a prom dress and after-party outfit? You know, I should just sell crack! Ain't nobody gonna stop me!
Thugette #2: Yeah, that's the best part about being a girl.
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: DaraDay
Headline by: Zorak
Runners-Up:
· "By the way, are you free to babysit that night?" - bobofthejungle
· "Miracle of birth ain't got nothin' on pushin'" - Erin
· "Sugar and Crack and Everything Whack" - The Trayster
· "The Third Wave of Feminism Wants Its Money, Bitch" - clevecinema
· "Well, Other Than the Multiple Orgasms..." - Teppy
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Jim Henson's Charles Manson Babies!
Little boy stabbing balloon man with a balloon sword: Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
Balloon man: Goodbye! Be good, everyone!
Little boy, still stabbing: Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Rick Felice
Headline by: Matthew
Runners-Up:
· "And if that doesn't do it, I challenge you to water pistols at dawn!" - Cynthia
· "Except you, kid. You go fuck yourself." - ImmaculatePizza
· "He Who Lives By The Balloon..." - Hobo Whisperer
· "You too, Brutus." - Aeirlys
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
A Tranny in the Clam Is Worth Two in the Tush
Artsy 30-something #1: I remember this one photograph -- this beautiful transsexual Latino in a clam like the Venus de Milo.
Artsy 30-something #2: Yes, I actually helped organize that picture.
Artsy 30-something #1: Oh, really? How was she?
Artsy 30-something #2: Beautiful. She lactated.
Artsy 30-something #1: Nice.
--Tea & Sympathy
Overheard by: No milk in my tea, thanks....
Headline by: bri b
Runners-Up:
· "HeShe's a Lactina." - Amanda Lee
· "Out of her penis." - Kate
· "Wait until you see my menstrating Pieta" - Sean McGurr
· "We named it Penis de Milko" - Erez Schatz
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Why Is This Night Different From All Other Nights?
Child, after hurting himself: Jesus!
Grandma: Oh, no. Don't say that tonight.
Child: Christ!
--Seder, UWS
Overheard by: bobby bo bobby
Headline by: AL
Runners-Up:
· "Sawww-eee." - Sameer
· "All that colorful Yiddish I taught you, and this is the best you can do?" - MB
· "Blasphemy is allah the same to me" - Yugan
· "Either way, it's still not kosher" - Peter
· "Wait until after we kill him" - bobofthejungle
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
If They Were Designer Genital Warts, I'd Reconsider...
Chick #1: What's wrong, sweetie?
Chick #2: Well, for the past few weeks I've had... [lowers voice] genital warts.
Chick #1: Oh my god, sweetie. I'm so sorry. [Goes to hug friend, then stops] Oh, wait. We probably shouldn't touch.
--Knockoff purse stall, Chinatown
Overheard by: Kelly
Headline by: Mike Chmiel
Runners-Up:
· "Don't worry - circle, circle, dot, dot takes care of everything" - Melissa
· "I probably shouldn't be sleeping with your boyfriend either." - Rachel
· "Or we could just not hug with our vaginas" - Matt
· "We also should avoid rubbing our genitals on the same doorknob" - Mdan
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Mommy Queerest
Girl #1: I'm not going with you.
Girl #2: Why not?
Girl #1: I have to go home and cook for lesbians.
Girl #2: Oh, your mom?
--Times Square
Overheard by: From now on this is my excuse for everything
Headline by: Mandi
Runners-Up:
· "But Don't They Usually Eat Out?" - Hobo Whisperer
· "I Think I'll Make Dyke L'Orange" - Peter
· "If I dont do it, dad will do it, and she's a lousy cook." - Extra Character
· "Ohhhh Pllllllease.... She licked your pussy once... ONCE!" - Mike Chmiel
· "Pass the Cunnilinguini" - I'm not gross in real life
· "They'd be happy with a box lunch" - Flem
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And He Was Searching for a Tiny White Whale
20-ish girl #1: Wait, so the midget had a peg leg?
20-ish girl #2, annoyed: No. The midget was the peg leg!
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Gretchen
Headline by: Ignatius Gerumpany
Runners-Up:
· "And He Had a Pygmy for an Eye Patch" - Jordan
· "Jerry Springer will never run out of material..." - alex
· "Pinocchio's Tragic End" - Tristan Davis
· "The rigor mortis kept him nice and stable." - internev
· "Transformers Porn Is Too Confusing" - Jenny C
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You Were an Accident, Did You Know That?
Little girl: I can climb over fences. Did you know that?
Mom: I don't want to know that.
--Manhattan School of Music Precollege
Headline by: Sarah Bella
Runners-Up:
· "Dora the Explorer Will Teach Anything" - I'm not racist, I swear.
· "Dr. Spock's Missing Chapter: Don't Ask, Don't Tell" - Barry Negrin
· "Razor wire: You can do it, Home Depot can help" - Sean S
· "You've been watching Daddy on COPS again, haven't you?" - Bryan
· "Your Cage Got Mommy And Daddy Into A Lot Of Trouble" - JAG
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Just Call Me Whore-ence Nightingale
Chick to distraught girl in bathroom stall: Hey, yo, girl -- I fucked the bouncer, so I could get you some water if you need it.
--Off the Wagon, MacDougal St
Headline by: Hellespont
Runners-Up:
· "I also fucked your boyfriend, maybe I could talk him into taking you back" - Rudeboy
· "If you need a sandwich i'm gonna need a condom" - Chris
· "Mother Teresa; The Early Years" - rose
· "Skanks Develop New Currency in Response to Global Warming" - ilemanzer
· "So That's Why They Call it Tap Water" - Jeff St Real
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
She Puts the "Pat" in Patent Law Class
Girl #1: Uh... This is the women's restroom, right?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: This is the women's restroom, right?
Girl #2: Yeah. Why?
Girl #1: There was just a guy in here!
Girl #3: No... that's a woman.
Girl #1: Oh.
Girl #3: Yeah, she's in my class.
--NYU
Headline by: Brady
Runners-Up:
· "Does She Always Stand While She Pees?" - Hobo Whisperer
· "Hermaphrodites 101" - Sami
· "Janet Reno: The College Years" - International Man of Leisure
· "Just because I'm washing my hands, doesn't mean I can't hear you." - aaron Stephenson
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'd Rather Date Her
Boyfriend holding up slutty top: What about this one?
Girlfriend: If you were a girl you'd be the biggest skank in New York.
--Charlotte Russe, Manhattan Mall, 33rd & 6th
Headline by: Scott
Runners-Up:
· "And knock the Statue of Liberty right off that pedestal." - LORI
· "But at least it flatters my man-boobs" - Andrew
· "I learned from the best" - Breanne S.
· "Putting the "Ho" back in "Homeboy"" - cinekat
· "What She Doesn't Know Won't Hurt Her" - Alison R.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Sugar and Spice and Everything Ripe
Teen boy: You know, some guys think it's cute when a girl farts.
Teen girl: That's only until they smell it.
--1 train
Overheard by: anna
Headline by: jay
Runners-Up:
· "Dr. Strangelove or How I learned not to worry and love the bomb." - Pavel
· "Find skidmarks in her panties and you've found a keeper" - Girls don't do #2
· "Smells like teen sphincter" - Leon
· "Then they just get jealous." - Peacock
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
This Is Worse Than That Time He Pooped Out Those Kittens
Black girl: I can't believe we just went to the hospital to find out that your cat has no sex.
White girl: What?
Black girl, louder: That your cat has no sex!
White girl: Oh, yeah! I can't believe my male cat has no penis!
--3 train
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: Garrett Berg
Runners-Up:
· "Cat: Why don't you just announce it to the whole goddamn train!" - morgz
· "Garfield and the angry itch" - jeff
· "I think I'll call him Neuter Gingrich" - SNA
· "The Penis Makes the Pussy" - Adam
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
So You Should Probably Stop Making Out with Her
Hipster girl: You know Mabel's dead, right?
Hipster boy: [Snickers.]
--9th St & Ave B
Overheard by: Rebecca Katherine Hirsch
Headline by: troy
Runners-Up:
· "And hen I heard about 9/11 I laughed so hard the milk came out my nose" - David Reitmeyer
· "If I Knew You Were Going To Take That Attitude, I'd Never Have Named The Fetus" - ED
· "Stan never thought about the awkward exchange AFTER you put your girlfriend's cat in the microwave" - alexcalibur
· "There are people named mabel who are still ALIVE?!" - mimi marquez
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
If These Balls Could Talk, They'd Say the Same Thing
Angry chick: I am so mad at you right now!
Boyfriend: Sorry, babe. It's not my fault you're still on your period.
Angry chick: I wasn't talking to you, Jake*, I was talking to my ovaries.
--Morton St
Overheard by: these walls are paperthin
Headline by: Damo
Runners-Up:
· "I Apologize for Ovaryacting" - Katherine Duke
· "Quiet! We're Trying to Decide Whether or Not We're Going to Trap You into Marrying Us." - Kara
· "The Whore Moans" - Stephanie L
· "You Could Always Get Rid of Them, and Earn 19 More Cents An Hour" - Kristen
· "You could have prevented this if you stopped wearing that damn condom." - Josh H
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Wanna Buy a Bridge?
Old man picks loose string off back of woman's coat: You've got something there... Ah, now you're perfect!
Woman: Oh, well, thank you!
Old man: You believe that and you'll believe anything.
--Stromboli's Pizza, St. Mark's & 1st Ave
Overheard by: shankalicious
Headline by: greg
Runners-Up:
· "Like Creationism..." - Drew
· "Now hold still while I examine you for breast cancer" - Zorak
· "On an unrelated note, my penis cures cancer" - Wes Mantooth
· "Puppetmaster IV: The Rude Awakening" - Chris
· "That's What God Said To Adam & Eve, Too" - fritzy
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Reparations Are a Lot Cheaper Than They Used to Be
Old black man #1: I'm gonna go get a Post.
Old black man #2: A brotha reading the Post? Oh, man...
Old black man #1: Man, it's only 25 cents. And it's got page six!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Jill
Headline by: Dave
Runners-Up:
· "Hahaha...wait...black people? READING?" - pants
· "I always sleep under that one" - Mike B
· "Judge me not by the color of my skin but by the content of my paper" - nyinsf
· "That's the quilted page" - N. A. Cargo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Liv Tyler: Tell Me about It
Doctor #1, about Norah Jones: Did you know her father is Ravi Shankar?
Doctor #2: Her mother must be extremely good-looking.
--Doctors' lounge, St. Vincent's Hospital
Overheard by: Danny D
Headline by: s h
Runners-Up:
· "And we know why she didn't come." - Offbalance
· "Nip, Tuck, or Genetic Luck?" - Iconny
· "Or Maybe It's Just that When You Multiply a Negative by a Negative, You End Up With a Positive" - Vasyl
· "Sex and the Sitar" - nicky c
· "The Good, the Bad, and the Ravi" - Riley
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'm Saving It for Marriage
Barista: Would you like to try a cappuccino muffin?
Customer: No, thanks. I don't want to start my appetite yet.
--Starbucks, 45th & Broadway
Overheard by: Cat
Headline by: Mandaliet
Runners-Up:
· "And i don't want to have to shove this down your fucking throat, but i will if... Whoa... Too much soft jazz, if you know what i mean... Sorry." - Mike Chmiel
· "Its Bad Enough My Lungs Keep Breathing" - Chuckie
· "Stomach: Let's Get Ready To Rummmmmmmble!" - Paul K.
· "The first step is admitting you have an appetite." - greg
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You're Invited to My Circle Jerk
30-something #1: What are you doing for Valentine's Day?
30-something #2: Getting high and masturbating.
30-something #1: Man, married life is great.
--Palladium Gym, NYU
Headline by: Pseudonym
Runners-Up:
· "Because she's out shopping for a vibrator" - trish
· "He celebrates Palm Sunday the same way" - Kate
· "He's An Up & Comer" - Rod W
· "Little Johnny took the comeback "If you love it so much, why don't you marry it?" a little too seriously." - Cloud
· "When Harry Met Righty" - Vasyl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Rorschach Hands: the New Psychoanalytical Technique
Professor: When vassals would take an oath of loyalty they would kneel in front of the king and put their hands like this [puts hands in prayer position]. Now, what does this look like?
Student: A vagina?
Professor: No! Praying! It looks like praying!
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Marina C
Headline by: belle
Runners-Up:
· "Either way, it helps to kneel." - Lindsey
· "From The Da Vinci Code's deleted scenes." - nick
· "In a refreshing move from the anus, today's headline contest is brought to you by the vagina. That's right, Overheard in New York is wiping back-to-front." - erak
· "Now Get Your Cock Up In This" - B.M.D.
· "Okay, maybe a LITTLE prayer in schools wouldn't hurt" - space coyote
· "Putting the Pussy on a Pedestal" - Clof
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
... Followed by a Mudslide
Hoochie #1: Let's do tequila shots!
Hoochie #2: No way. The last two times I did tequila shots I did anal.
--Freeman's
Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo
Headline by: Evan Allgood
Runners-Up:
· "Correlation does not imply causation" - Devon Brady
· "Mexicans always come through the back door." - Sean
· "Once, Twice, Three Times A Lady" - briguy
· "One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Whore!" - Queen Pia
· "Tell me about it" - Janet E.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Some Telemarketers Will Try Anything
Crazy guy: Have you ever sniffed some good ass?
Suit: Huh?
Crazy guy: Have you ever smelled some really good asshole?
Suit: I would say... yes, I have. But I don't really want to discuss it with you, okay?
--E 42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Big Larry
Headline by: space coyote
Runners-Up:
· "It's Between Me and My Mother" - King of the Jews
· "It's really more a question of taste..." - Rusty
· "Not now, Dad." - again.
· "Wall Street's Don't Sniff and Tell policy" - Ceetar
· "What Happens at an HMO-covered Therapy Session" - Barry Negrin
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And It Burns, Burns, Burns, the Ring of Fire...
Homeless guy dropping cigarettes while following foreigners: A brother drops his smokes and you gets a-steppin'?! I smoke Newports! You can't get this in no garage! Hey! Hey! How about givin' me some money? It's for the children, for the children!
Lady: No!
Homeless guy to lady's boyfriend: Wow, there's evil! So much evil comin' from this one. You're good, though, I can tell.
Boyfriend: Yeah?
Homeless guy: Can you feel that? Can you feel that, brother?
Boyfriend: Yes, I can feel that.
Homeless guy: You know what that is?
Boyfriend: No, what is it?
Homeless guy: It's the feel of the crack of yo' asshole burnin'! [Homeless guy runs away.]
--Bleecker, near Sullivan
Headline by: pheeze
Runners-Up:
· "Another drive-by psychic reading from Triumph the Insult Comic Bum" - Angus McIntyre
· "Jesus Is My Roid Cream" - en_ki
· "That Port Hasn't Been New In Years" - dan
· "The wrong way to hand out Taco Bell coupons" - Jon Trudel
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
From Sodom to SoHo
Man #1: I have a book coming out this year, so I'm looking forward to that.
Man #2: Oh, yeah? What's it about?
Man #1: It's an oral history of anal sex.
Man #2: [Silence.]
Man #1: It was a lot of hard work, but it was a real labor of love.
--Locker room, McBurney YMCA, 14th St & 6th Ave
Headline by: Ryan
Runners-Up:
· ""Annals of Anal"" - Janet E.
· "But the Title is a Mouthful" - Meredith
· "It's called 'Talking Out of Your Ass'" - Chris Polubinski
· "Love's Labours Lubed" - CJC
· "Rim & Punishment" - Fru
· "The Mangina Monologues" - bowloftoast
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
See Dick Run. Run, Dick, Run.
Girl: So, are you still getting me pregnant this weekend?
Confused boyfriend: ... What?
Girl: Oh. Did I not tell you about that?
--TKTS booth, Times Square
Overheard by: Kevin
Headline by: ilemanzer
Runners-Up:
· "Did You Not Get the Memo Stapled to the Condom?" - Ashez
· "He shoots, She whores!" - Qasar
· "I Want To Have Your Abortion" - travis
· "The Girl's Guide to Getting Your Boyfriend to Listen: Part 1" - Heather S
· "Yeah, I'm Obligating." - kerm
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Mike Just Kept Walking
Drunk guy: Vinny! Stop right there! [Vinny keeps walking.] Turn around! Stop walking! [Vinny ignores him.] Vinny, if you ever come in my house again and do that I will rape your mother!
--Outside Connie O's Pub, Greenpoint
Headline by: Dave
Runners-Up:
· "And your little dog, too!" - Mandaliet
· "I'm just getting your pills, Grandpa." - Anonymous
· "Look Where It Got You Last Time, Dad!" - Max Million
· "Red light/Green light: Hardcore rules" - travis
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's Not Reparations, But I'll Take What I Can Get
Black guy: Yeah man! You could jump in the tracks right now!
White guy: Are you sure the subway Superman will appear?
Black guy: Trust me, I'm sure.
--W 4th St station
Overheard by: ron cabrera
Headline by: Earl
Runners-Up:
· "...like WMD sure... or Jesus sure?" - k swin
· "Able to convince morons in a single sentence" - Erin
· "Another Supporter of Urban Darwinism" - ToddS
· "He'll show up in 15 minutes with a spatula and a bucket of bleach" - Rob
· "It's a Bird! It's a Plane! Ah Fuck, It's a Train." - Justin
· "Kunta Kinte's Revenge" - micah576
· "Malcom X's Plan B" - Chris
· "That cold-death feeling just means he's got you" - Leigh
· "Thinning the herd, Manhattan-style" - Tom Beckett
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Shaving Ryan's Privates
Columbia dude #1: B-b-but, but, dude, she asked me why I shaved my balls.
Columbia dude #2: Shhh!
--Lerner Hall, Columbia University
Headline by: Kris
Runners-Up:
· "...Next Time Don't Walk Around Your Mom's House Naked" - RBNY
· "A Secret Strong Enough For A Man, But Made For A Woman" - Vasyl
· "Best Job Interview Ever" - Rajath Vikram
· "Hopefully his hand doesn't stutter like that when he's shaving" - Peter B
· "Testicular Aerodynamics Under Fire" - Matt
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
'Cause My Body So Breadilicious
Homeless man: You need to pray to Jesus everyday. Do you thank Jesus for your food or your family or the newspaper? The devil is killing you through newspapers and the media. Are you thankful to Jesus? He loves you if you talk to him everyday.
Queer: I would be thankful to Jesus if you would stop shouting in my ear so I can listen to Beyonce's newest album.
--N train
Overheard by: Brina Guild
Headline by: kempadimes
Runners-Up:
· "Is my Savior too bootylicious?" - Mdaneman
· "Jesulicious" - Mark Schilsky
· "Jesus loves me, this I know. A fucking hobo tells me so." - Extra Character
· "Jesus saves souls, not careers" - Megan
· "Some messiahs are so high-maintenance" - N. A. Cargo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
When Swarthy Met Sallow
Young woman: Hi, I am looking for a good bronzer powder. Can you help me?
Employee: I don't know, I don't have your skin color.
--Sephora
Headline by: TM
Runners-Up:
· "Here's a box of crayons, be creative!" - Steve
· "Neither do I, that's what the bronzer's for." - Dave
· "Or an IQ over 64........." - Cooter
· "The customer is always irrelevant" - Janet E.
· "Why training videos aren't made on Fridays anymore" - so pale
· "Zombies are so hard to work with" - TP
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Please Let Go of Your Crotch, Larry
TV: 'It's official -- Hillary Clinton is running for the presidency...'
Secretary #1: You gonna vote for her?
Secretary #2: I don't know... I have to see who else is running.
Service associate: You think a woman can handle these 52 states? This is a big continent -- you think a woman can handle that?
--Montefiore Medical Center
Headline by: Jason
Runners-Up:
· "At least we knew Monica could handle a big load" - Roxi
· "I mean, really, Debbie could only handle Dallas." - Mikie
· "If she can't handle the small "jobs" at home..." - Kenneth
· "Men lying about size? Yeah, a woman can handle that." - bella
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Greek-house effect.
Frat boy #1: It's so f-in' cold in here.
Frat boy #2: Yeah, where's the global warming when you need it?
--Subway restaurant near Wall St
Headline by: Dave Faith
Runners-Up:
· "Dubya's College Years Were Ripe With Wit" - Katie
· "It's Busy Killing Your Grandchildren" - bowloftoast
· "It's Busy Melting the Pounds Off Jared" - David Bowers
· "It's Truly Inconvenient" - Nicolbee
· "Just wait a few years and it'll be wireless" - karl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Burnt for the very first time
Girl #1: What did you get?
Girl #2: Just some blank CDs at Virgin.
Girl #1: Oh, really? Any good ones?
--Union Square
Headline by: mkb
Runners-Up:
· "And by blank CDs I mean ninja stars" - Circuit City Ginzu
· "I Hear That CD-R Is Going to Hit It Big Some Day" - Amanda
· "Someone Needs Her Neurons Popped" - adam a. n.
· "Yeah, This John Cage Anthology Fucking Rules" - t.a.m.s.y.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Puts the 'Narc' in Narcissism
Girl looking in mirror: You know what? I would make a really good-looking crack whore.
Boy: What? ... Probably.
--Weinstein Residence Hall, NYU
Overheard by: Emily
Headline by: Ethan
Runners-Up:
· "All he heard was "whore"" - Marigumi
· "Holding the mirror between her legs" - anne nahm
· "I'll agree with whatever gets me laid" - Dustin
· "Lose a few teef, add a few bruises, I be shinin'" - Dingolite
· "This Is Your Brain on Uggs" - NK
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's Always Awkward When Bush Runs Into Kerry
Man #1 after being cut off by Man #2: You ignoramus!
Man #2: I don't know what that is -- just call me an 'asshole'!
--Parking garage
Overheard by: Man #1's giggling nephew
Headline by: Nick T.
Runners-Up:
· "Can We Settle on 'Ignoranus?'" - Sara G.
· "Just as long as you call me!" - Rob Graham
· "Let's compromise on "Poopy Cerebellum"" - Matt Koff
· "Remember? No More Than Two Syllables For New Yorkers!!" - Jen
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Tower of Babble
Kid: I speak seven different languages.
Mom: The only language you speak is Stupid.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Susspect
Headline by: Matt Higgins
Runners-Up:
· "And your Mandarin is conversational at best" - Greg Costello
· "Barbara Bush reaches her tipping point." - Sabrina
· "But I got the Vile Cunt accent from you , mom." - Chuck Roast
· "Kill his confidence so you don't have to pay for Harvard" - Kristin
· "Obviously, it's his "Mother Tongue"" - Big Larry
· "The wit of your reply has left me aghast and inarticulate, mother" - Grinning Idiot
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Just Like Getting On My Knees Five Times A Day
Hairdresser #1: So, you're a practicing Muslim?
Hairdresser #2: Yep.
Hairdresser #1: So, do Muslims pray to God, or Mohammed, or both?
Hairdresser #2: I don't really get into the details.
--East 19th St & Ave R, Brooklyn
Overheard by: brooklyn blonde
Headline by: ilemanzer
Runners-Up:
· "I pray to Allah Updo and Crewcut Christ" - katcob
· "I'm just into the hating Jews part." - DaveO
· "I'm more about the accessories" - Ty
· "Islam is in-er than Thai ladyboys this season." - eyp
· "Neither does the President." - Becca
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Just be sure you don't give her The Baby
Irish Guy #1: Did you see Peaches last week?
Irish Guy #2: Yeah.
Irish Guy #1: Mank. But I'd still give her the fuck.
Headline by: International Man of Leisure
Runners-Up:
· "'tis the fuck o' the Irish" - brian brinegar
· "And also, presumably, the cream" - lauren
· "May the bitch rise up to meet your cock" - Drewster
· "Mick Wanker Dicks Mank Yank Skank" - Rod W
· "Yeah, I'd hit the pit!" - janine
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Maybe if it was, your father would finally want to give me an orgasm
Daughter: But mom, I don't like the chicken.
Mother: Sorry, honey, not everything can be McDonald's.
Headline by: Snowy in Seattle
Runners-Up:
· "Hates the chicken, but loves the cock" - Humberto
· "Hookers on "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"" - Krisztina
· "Just give George Bush one more term..." - Noh
· "M.A.F.D.- Mothers Against Fat Daughters" - L Friz
· "McDonlads is the only thing that doesn't taste like chicken" - Babakganoosh
· "So shut up and eat the rest of your Meow Mix" - remark
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
She's Working Her Way through My Address Book. Today She's on the Ds.
Girl #1: Hey, how're you doing?
Girl #2: Hey! Aren't you--?
Girl #1 slaps girl #2, then runs away screaming: You're a fucking bitch!
Girl #2 on cell: Hello, Alex*? This is Diane*. I haven't seen you in, like, three years, so could you please explain to me why your ex-girlfriend, whom I've never met, just slapped me and called me a bitch? Call me back, thanks, bye.--Starbucks, 4th & UniversityOverheard by: Chitin
Headline by: David Terrenoire
Runners-Up:
· "Girl, Interrupted" - Cooper Cheatham
· "I think it had to do with that one time my penis was in your vagina...." - ryan
· "Lucky to only get half the clap in return" - Brian A
· "Maybe Because You Still Have Me on Speed Dial After 3 years?" - Bobita
· "When Alibis Attack" - Barry Negrin
· "When you dump someone, you're dumping everyone they've ever dumped." - Ed Maudlin
· "You also might want to check on the pet rabbit" - will1966
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And tucking my dick and balls
Girl #1: So I hear you're single again.
Girl #2: Yeah, it's great. I can stop shaving my ass!--Outside Starbucks, Times Square
Headline by: Marsha Mellow
Runners-Up:
· "Donkey Breathes Sigh of Relief" - Mike Curry
· "Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Shorn" - Adrianne
· "It was the happiest day of Mother Teresa's life." - Dave
· "Oh, good, Oprah is back on the market!" - Anna
· "So easy, even a caveman can do it!" - waxes!
· "When she's dating again she'll cut it all off and donate it to cancer victims" - Peter B
· "You're Not Gonna Stop Shaving Mine, Are You?" - Trey Jackson
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It Only Got Worse When She Whipped out an Abacus
Lady #1: That's cute. [Gesturing to jungle-print stretchy book cover.] Where'd you get it?
Lady #2: The 99-cent store.
Lady #1: How much was it?
Headline by: peetower
Runners-Up:
· "And what did it cost to install it?" - Jerry Jeff
· "Green." - sandie
· "The same as one of your "services"" - Numerica
· "There are three kinds of people in the world--those than can count and those who can't" - Cousin Al
· "What's in a name, really?" - Rionn Fears Malechem
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Tuesdays with Morrie Used to Be Way Less Awkward
Guy #1 holding porn DVD: I would so love to fuck a girl that was into DP.
Guy #2: Yeah, me too, but ball touching is so gay, and I'm trying to recover from the cock.
Headline by: Will
Runners-Up:
· "Because hot cock requires cold turkey" - Greg Costello
· "He also just had laser surgery for his masturbatory blindness" - remark
· "I know dad, i know." - nick
· "I think there's a 12 inch program for that." - nick
· "Rectum? That rooster nearly killed 'im!" - Dalton
· "Step One: Stop going to the porn shop with your "buddy"" - DanaLishs
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Eugenics
Bimbo #1: I just want to move to another state, you know?
Bimbo #2: Yeah, like further south?
Bimbo #1: No, probably Australia.
Bimbo #2: Oh my God, me too! My cousin owns this train station, we could totally go!
Bimbo #1: Nah. I have a date tonight.
Headline by: johnny pissoff
Runners-Up:
· "All Aboard the Pangea Express" - Stitches
· "And Australia's like, "WTF mate?"" - one L
· "Ashley crushes yet another of Jessica's plans." - Heidi
· "Besides, i dont speak german..." - senny
· "Crikey! Thank God the Stingrays Got Me Before They Arrived." - Katie
· "Going Down, But Not Under" - sigh
· "It's good to see Condy getting out more" - mp
· "Wait, You Have a Date? That Doesn't Even Make Sense." - 08kjl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
One Nation, Under the Crown
Australian guy: Hey there, mate! I was just wondering if you were hiring staff.
Irish bar man: Yeah, we are, but you will have to speak with the boss. He is gonna be back in about 10 minutes. Do you have any experience?
Australian guy: Well, yeah, I've been doin' this for about three years back home in Sydney.
Irish bar man: That's great... Sure, I'll put in a good word for you. I'm getting sick of all the foreigners that they keep hiring.
Headline by: Barry Negrin
Runners-Up:
· "52-Across: "Foreigners" Ans: N-O-N-W-H-I-T-E" - Eddie
· "Between the Long Islanders and the Brooklynites, this place is going to hell" - M.dubz
· "I only hear in black and white" - h
· "I'll have a shot of contradiction with an irony backer" - LN
· "It's getting so hard to find people who speak American." - Noh
· "See? Even THEY Can't Tell Their Accents Apart!" - Jatmos
· "Will the last American to leave NYC please remember to bring the flag?" - Beth
· "You should have seen this Injun that came in yesterday" - trainedmonkey
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Get Outta His Way When He Finds Out the Truth about Santa...
Guy with fliers: Psychic readings! Only 10 dollars! Psychic readings!
Realist: Yo man, if that bitch knows where the money at, why don't she go get it herself?
Guy, dropping fliers: Word! I'm going to go ask that bitch now!
--Union Square
Headline by: Allison
Runners-Up:
· "He's a regular Nostra-Dumbass" - Smellface
· "I see dead presidents!" - The Amazing Gotcharocksoff
· "Miss Cleo: Your First Card Is Sucker, The 3 Of Sheisters" - the ace of spades
· "That Takes a Pair of Crystal Balls." - DanK
· "We ALL saw that coming" - JP
· "While You're There, Ask Her Where The Leprechaun At" - wookie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Think One of the 'Make a Wish' Kids Asked for It Already
Guy #1: What is wrong with this district?
Guy #2: I know! Every store is a liquor store.
Guy #1: There should be district liquor summer camps or something.
Headline by: Menzer
Runners-Up:
· "An excerpt from "The History of Catholic Camp"" - Manda
· "But that's what New Jersey's for!" - cinekat
· "Captain Morgan gains close victory in district 7, narrowly beating Corporal Cocaine and Major Methamphetamine." - Victor
· "I Don't Want to Know What You Did Last Summer" - Laura
· "I'm going for the "Finding a Bruise of Unknown Origin" Merit Badge" - Syd O
· "Kumbaya with a twist" - danny
· "Southern Comfort Proudly Sponsors Boy Scout Troop 741" - Bevan
· "With Sailing Lessons from Captain Morgan" - Greene
· "Wyoming is way ahead of you." - Merk
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Negative Twenty 'Hood Points Just for Knowing the Word 'Cosine'
Ghetto wannabe #1: Yo' rhymes are so lame it's like you took the cosine.
Ghetto wannabe #2: You so poor you go fishin' for dimes.
--Woodhaven, Queens
Overheard by: drendar
Headline by: Against Marj
Runners-Up:
· "Bill and Hillary Prepare for Next Year's Video Music Awards" - DoubleJ
· "Cosine? Like from Nigganometry?" - Big Larry
· "E = MC Hammer Squared" - Christina
· "M.C. Tangent and D.J. Non-Sequitur." - SandmanEsq
· "My rhymes are so hype I can divide by zero, Burnin' down the ghetto like my name is Nero" - mk
· "Whitey got no algorithm" - Charlie
· "Why Pythagorus never got sined." - Julie Baber
· "Yo' so dumb you only know pi to 3.14159" - arielle
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Tourists on Trains and Snakes on Planes
Teen boy tourist #1: Okay, finally we're on the damn train.
Teen boy tourist #2: Yeah, for real. Take forever, god!
Teen boy tourist #1: Hey, you know, those people lied to us! They said we can take the N, but this one is going to 14th Street, too. I read the map.
Teen boy tourist #2: Why did they lie to us?
Teen boy tourist #1: Probably because we were acting like such tourists. That's probably what they do, just stand in the subway waiting to prey on confused tourist kids.
Teen boy tourist #2: We should get some iPods. That would fix it.
Teen boy tourist #1: Why would that fix it?
Teen boy tourist #2: Look around. I count five people on this train with iPods. They make you look 'New York.'
--Downtown W train
Overheard by: The N would have gotten you there faster...
Headline by: Sean Boudreau
Runners-Up:
· "But the fold up maps make us look like we're from Jersey." - Jeff
· "For every ipod in the subway, apple kills a tourist" - monkey
· "Know What Else Is Authentic? Gunshot Wounds" - J.M. Berger
· "Losing The "God Hates Fags" Shirts Would Also Help" - miss c
· "New York: Uhh, Lose Ten Pounds, Convert to Judaism, and Maybe We'll Talk" - salute deez nuts
· "Nobody tell them about the secret handshake" - Destroyer
· "Sure, you can buy the ipod, but the disaffected stare can only be acquired from years of indifference" - morgz
· "That look isn't new york, it's contempt" - squirrel
· "You can keep them in your fanny packs" - jh
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Damn, Son, I Was Born Goin' Down
Suit #1: I mean, it was crazy -- first this lady has a kid in the elevator, and then about a week later, another lady's water breaks in the same elevator.
Suit #2: I would have hated to be the guy to mop that up.
Suit #1: That elevator shaft is like a friggin' fallopian tube!
--2 train
Overheard by: Paul
Headline by: dank
Runners-Up:
· "And Park Slope Is Like a Cum-Soaked Uterus" - t.a.m.s.y.
· "At least it's not menstruating like that elevator in The Shining" - Chris
· "In Similar News, The Lobby Stairwell is Closed for Yeast Infection Maintenance" - Maeve K
· "P.C. Pimps Don't Push 'Em Down The Stairs Anymore" - elrobinder
· "Push! Push! No, push the BUTTON!" - Julia
· "The Fertile Ascent" - Benzero
· "The Pussyseidon Adventure- 2006" - smscpw
· "The elevator is still better than having to make small talk with the guy who performs abortions in the stairwell" - Raden Mutter
· "Where do you stand on partial-floor evacuations?" - Kevin Perry
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Romeo and Juliet: Shakespeare's First Draft
Teen boy: I couldn't put it all the way in, though.
Teen girl: Ew, ew, ew.
Teen boy: I don't know how they do that in pornos.
Teen girl: One second -- are you gay?
Teen boy: Not really. Like, I'd totally do you.
Teen girl: You wish! Got Jake's shit all over your dick. Ain't no way.
--Smiling Pizza, 7th Ave, Park Slope
Headline by: Malingerer
Runners-Up:
· "Bi-curiousity killed the pussy" - Mojosaves
· "Have your jake and eat it too" - teensaredisgusting
· "He called 'no homo'" - Jedipus
· "He probably couldn't put it all the way in, because he's not willing to come all the way out" - Ryan
· "Jake the German Shepherd was extra eager to meet his master that night." - Adrenna
· "Methinks the lady doth protest too much" - assley
· "The Straw That Brokeback Mountain" - B
· "The shit washes off. The gay? Not so much." - Sean
· "Then How 'bout a Dirty Sanchez?" - Hobo Whisperer
· "When the front door slams shut, sometimes the back door opens" - steve devan
· "You say tomato, I say hepatitis" - Mark Poepsel
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You'll Never Be the Man Your Mother Was.
Girlfriend: You could just be gay.
Boyfriend: I don't want to be gay! I just wanna be a woman.
--Houston & Lafayette
Headline by: Paul S
Runners-Up:
· "'Cause surgery is easier than coming out" - Becky
· "Be All You Can't Be" - Mike D
· "Cant have a man-made pussy and eat it, too" - N. Delwood
· "Career day counselors never know what to expect" - peter
· "It's all pillow fights and boobies 'til you start PMSing." - mthy
· "Michael Jackson's Cosmetic Surgery Consultation Gets Hostile" - kane, okc
· "The long-awaited yet unanticipted answer to 'Tell me what you want, what you really, really want'" - cinekat
· "Transexual does not a homosexual make" - i like men too
· "Vaginas: The Consolation Prize" - sh
· "Your Phantom Limb Will Still Want To Stem The Rose" - elrobinder
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Bow, a Beer, a Redneck Beer; Ray, Your Incest-Begotten Son...
Hick tourist #1: Why don't we get off at the next stop... Bow Ray? Bow Ray?
Hick tourist #2: Bowery.
--Brooklyn-bound J train, approaching Canal St
Overheard by: there's no e in tracy
Headline by: Jatmos
Runners-Up:
· "1 child left behind" - Reekuhhhh!
· "And 'SoHo' Has a Whole Other Meaning Once You've Crossed the Mason-Dixon" - julietaroja
· "From the people who brought you nuc-u-lar" - Krisztina
· "Hicked on Phonics did not work at all" - Darvio Harvo
· "If at first you don't succeed, try the exact same thing again" - Nathan Logan
· "It's never too early for a Steve Irwin joke." - hauptman
· "Same situation, but the passerby would call them "Cletus"" - Julie
· "They should probably take off those white hoods before stepping foot in the poetry club." - erak
· "Tomato, tomater" - Lennyb
· "That sounds kinda gay, Cletus." - Rich Anderson
· "Why didn't we let them secede again?" - Nathaniel
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Silence of the Lamb Chop
Teen girl #1: So, I heard that this porn star had, like, lung cancer and had to, like, have part of her lung removed.
Teen girl #2: Damn, that sucks. Is she, like, always out of breath?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, and she, like, can't talk that much either 'cause she can hardly breathe.
Teen girl #2: But isn't she a porn star? When she like, you know, has an orgasm, how can she make those loud noises? Her career is so over.
Teen girl #1: Maybe she has a ventriloquist.
Teen girl #2: No way. That'd only work if she was a guy and it was gay porn, 'cause, I mean, who's ever heard of a girl ventriloquist?
--Deli, 42nd St
Headline by: Emilio Lizardo
Runners-Up:
· "And They Called Her Howdy Pooty" - Sean
· "Charlie McCarthy Does Dallas!" - Mary Beth Hanlon
· "How many 'likes' does it take to get to another orgasm?" - Maggie Mae
· "I never knew smoking pole could cause lung cancer" - Matt T
· "If Helen Keller did porn" - Em
· "She's Not Bad, But I Can See Her Lips Moving" - Dan
· "That's not all she's faking" - CoolPapaZ
· "Those screeching sounds come from her other set of lips" - Nick. D.
· "You know what else turns me on? Leprosy" - Steve
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
But Your Shift Isn't Over 'Til Five
Stoner dude #1: Dude, I wonder why they call it 'Starbucks...' It's not, like, in the shape of a star.
Stoner dude #2: I don't know. Let's leave and get stoned.
Stoner dude #1: I'm up for that.
--Starbucks
Headline by: nicole
Runners-Up:
· "And Don't Get Me Started On the PuPu Platter" - Dank
· "As heard on the floor of the United States House of Representatives" - Syd O
· "Because 'Queequeg's' Just Didn't Have The Right Ring To It" - Toon
· "But I'm still waiting for my Mary Jane Macchiato" - Jim C.
· "English Majors in Action" - ed
· "Star-glazing" - timmm
· "Stephen Hawking and Stephen Jay Gould: The Early Years" - Russ Wall
· "That Ahab could have used a spliff" - Kevin
· "The coffee's for my glaucoma, I swear." - Dave
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Unlike Chinese Guys, Where You Have One and You're Hungry 30 Minutes Later
Guy in truck: I'm Italian!
Girl wearing 'I Love Italian Guys' t-shirt: Yeah, go kill yourself! I get that all day!
--58th St
Overheard by: Scottyboy
Headline by: Abartig
Runners-Up:
· ""So, do you have any Italian in ya? You want some?"" - erak
· "Because the "Putana Facile" T-shirt was not working." - cristina
· "But I'm not "in" love with them" - Marc
· "Her "I Fuck Jews" T-shirt Also Sends Mixed Signals" - s h
· "She knows a real Italian will just try to rape her" - cornelious
· "Sibyl: The Dating Years" - Sara
· "The "I love my daddy" t-shirt was even less fun." - Defies Gravity
· "This passes for courtship in New Jersey" - Amanda
· "Veni, vidi, vd" - em
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Finally, A Quote With A Happy Ending!
Hobo: I need you to stop here. I need to get off and wash my pants. There has been a sexual release in my pants!
--Lenox Ave bus
Headline by: Dan
Runners-Up:
· "And That's Why I Was Late" - chronically tardy
· "Bussed a Nut - Crosstown Excitement Goes A Block Too Far" - Matt G.
· "Dishonorable Discharge" - Jim C.
· "Economically and socially disenfranchized people say the darndest things" - Emma
· "MTA's new "Request-a-Stop" and handjob feature" - Jobee
· "Marvin Gaye's retarded half-brother" - Mary Beth Hanlon
· "Meanwhile, at the auditions for 'Speed III'" - shawn doney
· "Milton Misses Yet Another Meeting of Premature Ejaculators Anonymous" - Tom Ediger
· "Never ask a hobo if he's coming or going." - LadyP
· "Premature embarkation" - mdub
· "Second Thought, Let's Go For Two" - Martin Frazee
· "Senator Foley just isn't the same when he's not IMing" - oye
· "The Man On The Bus Goes Rub, Rub, Ooops..." - Sam Nassar
· "Why the 6 is never on schedule" - Rionn Fears Malechem
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
So, what are you wearing to the 'Schindler's List' party?
Guy: What is that?
Guy with net: One of those nets for cleaning out pools.
Guy: Let me guess. Pool boy costume? Porn-theme party?
Guy with net: Wow, yeah.
Guy: Been there.
--Uptown 1 train
Overheard by: Argopelter
Headline by: Gary
Runners-Up:
· "And That's How Me and Your Other Father Met, Timmy." - Chris
· "Another Touching Father-Son Moment Brought To You By Wicked Entertainment" - Existance is Futile
· "I was just delivering pizza, but they asked me in, and, wow!" - Wasn't invited
· "I'm not really black - this is toner from the "copier" scene" - Tom Dorey
· "Kato Kaelin: Career Counselor at Large" - Charlie
· "Of Course, I Just Bent Over and Went as a Life Preserver" - Keith
· "Porn theme party? I think I'll just come in my jeans." - Effing and Blinding
· "Really? You were an altar boy at St. Mark's, too?!" - Dave
· "Ron Jeremy's Sixth Sense" - s h
· "Watch out for a guy dressed as a milkman. He's bad news" - gravy
· "When he was 6 years old, and watching his mother from the window..." - Nathan
· "Yeah, I went all out and got my CPR card." - SNA
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
On a related note, I think my pot dealer's been ripping me off
Teen boy: Yo, why do they call it a quarter to 8? It's 15 minutes, and 25 is a quarter.
Girl: Huh?
Teen boy: If I say a quarter to 8, what time is it? It's 7:45, but that doesn't make no sense, it should be 7:35, a quarter is 25 not 15. You still don't get it do you?
Girl: No, I get it, I get it.
Boy: It just doesn't make no sense.
--Q54 Bus, Queens
Overheard by: Emily
Headline by: Brian Q
Runners-Up:
· "At half past eight, he had a profound revelation" - born dumb and in denial
· "Cents and Sensibility" - Jeannine
· "Don't get him started on "25 or 6 to 4"" - Morgan Charles
· "He may be dumb, but he's perpetually early" - Josh H
· "Hobo: I'll take either" - Jedipus
· "How Parking Meters Rip Us Off" - meter man
· "Kid has a point" - ello
· "Metric time claims another victim" - remark
· "Still searching for his 25 minutes of fame..." - C.T. Aiken
· "Time is money, but the dollar is weak" - Mike Britton
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
No More Baby Shopping in Kazakhstan For Us
Little girl in sushi restaurant: Hey! Guess what? I just farted!
Mom and dad ignore her.
Little girl: I said I just farted! And I farted big! Ewwww! And it smells like rotten eggs! Wanna smell?
Little girl lets one rip.
Mother to father: So how was your day?
--Upper West Side
Headline by: Colin McCleod
Runners-Up:
· "Courtney Love: The Early Years" - Claire
· "Ew-nagi" - Mr. Fancipants
· "Gives new meaning to "silent but deadly"" - Will
· "I had to fart a lot to get my boss's attention..." - alex
· "If We Ignore It, Maybe It Will Just Go Away" - Ian
· "Ignore-ance is Bliss" - Nick
· "Luckily, Rosie O'Donnell was able to refine her act" - prmsrng3
· "Pull My Finger" - Jose Hernandez
· "Practicing for the Teenage Years" - Brian
· "Reason number seven why sushi is a popular dining experience." - Extra Character
· "Since "How My Day Was" is Self Explanatory..." - Veronica
· "Sounds a little like George W Bush and North Korea's relationship" - Empty Refrigerator
· "To Air is Human. Earplugs, Divine" - Qasar
· "Unfortunatly, the father spent his day with the chronic masturbator son." - ToraMaikeru
· "We thought you should know: You're adopted." - Jeff
· "What do you have to do to get some attention around here!...crap on the floor?" - pdz
· "Why Mommy and Daddy don't have sex anymore" - Kristin
· "You've got to ac-cent-uate the positive... Flat-u-late the negative..." - Mike Chmiel
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Ashlee Finally Lets Jessica Have It
Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?
Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.
Headline by: DomCar
Runners-Up:
· "And somewhere, at that moment, a tiny discrimination lawsuit was being filed" - Marc
· "Awwww! Thanks! You said slightly!" - Emily
· "Being sexy isn't necessary when your face if even with most people's crotches" - theVixenNicole
· "Both problems are an unfortunate result of genetics." - Aaron Stephenson
· "But, like, sexily so?" - Tom Dorey
· "By the end of the yellow brick road, the Tin Man was hungry, tired, and BIT-CHY!" - Alissa
· "Comebacks for when you are secretly in love with a midget." - John
· "Happily, I Have a Fetish for Both" - anthony fiore
· "It's Sexy Because It's Like Having Sex With Kids, But They're Legal!" - Bored Beyond Belief
· "She's obviously never seen Wizard of Oz, that is ALL sex appeal" - Kevo
· "Thank God your mom pays me to hang out with you" - tiddlywinks
· "The Sexy Midget Union, recognizing retardation as a handicap, will not sue." - Extra Character
· "The 'My secret is: I'm marrying a dwarf' deodorant ad -- first take" - Amanda
· "There Are Sexy Midgets, You Probably Just Overlooked Them!" - Hobo Whisperer
· "They Prefer the Term "Erotically Challenged Little People"" - Shepcat
· "Yellow fever: Love of Asians. Smallpox: Love of midgets. Down Syndrome: That girl." - erak
· "Yes, but I look good in a teddy AND can reach the top shelf" - Villelen
· "You Don't Need to Be So Short With Me" - Matthew K Johnson
Honorable mentions:
· "But can slightly retarded be sexy?" - Virginia Wood
· "If she were fully retarded, she'd be banging all the unsexy midgets." - AJ
· "So all those internet porn sites are wrong?" - Graz
· "The Sexy Ones Wouldn't Want to Sleep with you Anyway" - Ian
· "The new MMILF: Mental Midgets I'd Like to F***" - Peter Parker
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Yeah But She Can Only Give You an I or a Y
Employee #1: Hey, look at this picture.
Employee #2: Yeah, she never would have made cheerleader if she had two legs.
Headline by: azione
Runners-Up:
· "Amputation is the New Anorexia" - Amanda
· "And they want to take away affirmative action?" - Holly G
· "But I'd Still TOTALLY Bang Her" - Jason
· "But her talent is obvious..." - fuel
· "Come on, Eileen" - Parker
· "Four legs good, two legs bad!" - Zomzom
· "From the McCartney - Mills Divorce Files" - Gimpy La Rue
· "How to lose those extra pounds to make the squad: amputation" - Sean McGurr
· "Kids will do anything to make the team" - Spin
· "Or a head." - Jeremiah Lewis
· "Playing the amputee card" - Mandaliet
· "She'd still be a virgin now too" - Sarah
· "Title IX didn't say they had to actually do the routines." - CityGirl
· "Tryouts were tough for the Special Olympics cheer squad." - John
· "We call her Tripod Betty" - Wendy
· "When Affirmative action goes too far" - Marv in DC
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Glass Is Half Full and Half AIDS
Dude #1: If I was the last man on earth, I would die of exhaustion from banging too much!
Dude #2: If I was the last man on earth, I'd die of AIDS from banging too much.--Battery ParkOverheard by: Rich
Headline by: Syd O
Runners-Up:
· "And his guidance counselor said he wasn't goal oriented..." - Marc
· "Apparently the apocalypse is a lot like New York in the 80s." - julian
· "But as long as there's even one other man left, they're both safe" - Not buying it
· "Either Way, He'd Be Fucked!" - Hobo Whisperer
· "How is that any different then now." - Kaleena
· "If you were the last man on earth, we'd all be lesbians" - Tam
· "If I'm goin' everyone else is coming with me" - Botticus
· "If you were the last man on earth, I'd die from banging my head against a wall" - Becky
· "It's a catch simplex 2." - Vin
· "Oh yeah? If I were the last man on Earth, I'd die of whatever killed the other guys!" - Chris
· "Only After All the Batteries Are Gone" - Lush
· "The Planet Of All Women Drivers, I Know How I Would Die" - berger inferno
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Abort Playdate! Abort Playdate!
Little girl #1: Guess what my mom told me that your mom told her the other day when we were playing? She had another baby before you and it died!
Little girl #2: No, my mom said that I'm the oldest.
Little girl #1: You are now 'cause the other one died. She died before she was even born!
Little girl #2: That's impossible! You can't die before you are born!
Little girl #1: Yes you can. You can die before you are born, while you are born, or after. You can die at any time and you don't even have to do anything bad.
Little girl #2: I don't want to play with you anymore.--Manhattan bound F train
Headline by: Krista
Runners-Up:
· "At her house, Zoloft is served at snacktime" - Krisztina
· "Debbie Downer: The Early Years" - E
· "Did I say something wrong?" - PJ
· "Playtime With Wednesday Addams" - Gabbertoons
· "Sartre's Daughter Had A Hard Time Making Friends" - xavier
· "She was later known as the girl who kicked pregnant women in the stomach "just to see what happened"" - Danielle
· "Sylvia Plath Never Did Get Along With The Other Kids" - Ariel
· "Was it something I said?" - Jared
· "Welcome to Ayn Rand Kindergarten" - Emily
· "When playdates go bad... next on Springer" - Jenn
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Médico Strangelove, Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bong
Teen girl: Yeah, everyone says I'm really bohemian.
Teen guy: Wait, I thought you were Mexican.--N train
Headline by: Hawley Smoot
Runners-Up:
· "Are you poor or just pretending to be poor?" - Eli!
· "Because Of The Whole 'Dirty Sanchez' Thing, Right?" - Bored Beyond Belief
· "Bohemia: Czechs think it's a Kingdom, Mexicans think it's a beer. Our scientists have traced this rift in Space-Time to a New York N-Train." - Hawley Smoot
· "Breaking News: Uptown Lawmakers Unanimously Decide to Build Twenty-Foot-Tall Fence Along 14th St." - Alex
· "Either way, the Republicans will want to deport her" - Russ Wall
· "Galileo! Galileo! Galileo! Figaro! Mexico!" - aileron
· "Mary Kate and Ashley overset the Tanning bed clock" - jojo
· "No I said I want to BE in Rent, not I can't PAY my rent" - Riley Ray
· "Poncho Profiling" - Kaleena
· "Rhapsody in Brown" - hawaiianinny
· "The venn diagram just looks like one circle." - Duckbill Oedipus
· "Understandable, since she smokes clove cigarettes outside of Chipotle on St. Mark's" - chris
· "We use Pinatas to hide our weed" - Fudgie D Whale
· "Yes, I'm half Czech, but you're all conformist." - eyp
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
White Folks Still Claim Jesus Was A Cracker
Teen boy: Do you know where I can find those Communion wafers? I want to eat them with salsa.
Friend: Um, you can't just eat those. It's the body of Christ.--Rockefeller CenterOverheard by: Jason
Headline by: Bored Beyond Belief
Runners-Up:
· "Besides, Three Days Later You'll Be Hungry Again" - Sparky
· "...And After Three days, He Arose, with Craving for Pico de Gallo" - Russ Wall
· "...And They're 2000 Years Past Their Expiration Date" - John
· "And Stop Putting Salt on the Rim of the Chalice" - Amy Stephenson
· "Betcha Can't Transubstantiate Just One" - chris
· "Body of Satan Has More Tang Anyway" - Jessica
· "Friends Don't Let Friends Go to Church Stoned" - Pix
· "If Jesus Wanted Us to Eat Him with Salsa, He'd Be Appearing on Tortillas.... Oh... Wait." - ilemanzer
· "Look for the Bag Marked 'Corpus Crispy'" - Slept thru the Sermon
· "My God Stays Crunchy in Milk" - Benedict
· "That's What You Said about the Last Donut, Too" - SDP
· "The Next Special Ingredient on Iron Chef" - dan
· "They're Best Served with Dogma" - zg
· "Try the Taco Bells of St. Mary's" - jules
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
With This 'Ring', I Thee Wed...
Guy: So how come we can't try butt loving?
Girl: I'm saving it for my husband.
Guy: Are you serious? That's like so...Victorian of you.--Soda Bar, Vanderbilt Ave, Brooklyn
Headline by: axamendes
Runners-Up:
· "Actually, It's More Victor/Victorian." - Faith
· "And Calling It 'Butt Loving' Isn't?" - Ante K
· "Gives New Meaning to 'Do You Have Price Albert in the Can?'" - Lydia
· "I Want a 'Brown Wedding'" - clarence rosario
· "I'll Even Show You My Ankles as I Give You a Rim Job" - sara swank
· "Jane Austen's First Draft: 'Reader, I Butt Loved Him.'" - Sarah
· "Monogamy Is Such a Pain in the Ass" - Karlikitten
· "Next, on the History Channel: Felching During the Reign of King Richard" - Matt
· "Victorians Were So Anal!" - eighty4sapphire
· "Virginity, Fudged" - Sara
· "Yeah, I Know, But It's the Only Thing Left in My Dowry" - ilemanzer
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You Laugh, But This Is How We Decided to Invade Iraq
Guy #1: So are we gonna make out later? I'm going back to LA; we'll never have to see each other again.
Girl: No, I don't think so.
Guy #2: Yes! That's a maybe!--The Delancey, Delancey between Clinton & Attorney
Headline by: Kane, OKC
Runners-Up:
· "At the Clubs He Goes to, Pepper Spray to the Face Means 'I Love You'" - Bardley
· "Breaking News: Harsh No/Yes Polarity Outlawed in LA" - LoneRhino
· "Governor Schwarzenegger, Would You Please Take the Stand?" - not a terminator fan.
· "His Glass Is Half Full... Of GHB" - Panthea
· "Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt's Final Conversation" - QueenNisha
· "Surprisingly 'Between Clinton & Attorney' Only Describes the Location" - matintin
· "Why the 'Just Say No' Policy Failed: Men Were Involved" - Mark Manne
· "Women Are from New York, Men Are from LA" - Alika
· "Yeah, and Maybe We'll Still Find the WMD" - 999er
· "Yes! He's Probably Sold His Screenplay, Too! Maybe!" - David Terrenoire
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It Smells That Way 'Cuz St. Peter Was a Fisherman
Little Girl: Mommy, where is heaven?
Ghetto Mommy: Right around the corner from my ass.--Astoria BlvdOverheard by: Meg
Headline by: Jim
Runners-Up:
· "A Little 'Piece' of Heaven" - Mistress Squidia
· "And on the 28th Day, There Came a Rain of Blood From Heaven..." - smo
· "Cleveland, However, Is Closer to the Armpit." - Paul Nielsen
· "From Rear to Eternity" - ilemanzer
· "Heaven i'taint." - Lee
· "Holy Shit" - lounamaa
· "I Don't Think That's What Carrie Underwood Meant When She Sang: 'I Wanna Be Inside Your Heaven'" - Jenny
· "Must Be a ZoroASStrian" - John P.
· "Sample Curriculum from the Sunday School Taught by Mary Kay Letourneau" - steph
· "Suprisingly, More People Get into Heaven Than You're Led to Believe in Church." - J.C.
· "Then How Can Godliness Be Next to Cleanliness?" - kelynsh
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
People...People Who Read People...Are the Schmuckiest People in the World
JAP #1: Which magazine do we want -- People or Us?
JAP #2: I don't know, let's get People.
JAP #1: Yeah, People has fewer words in it.--Kosher Delight Restaurant, 13th Ave, Brooklyn
Headline by: Mary Beth Hanlon
Runners-Up:
· "Also Her Rationale for Rejecting the New Testament" - El Jefe
· "Also How President Bush Chooses His Speeches" - Nicole
· "Brevity Is the Soul of Twit" - Bern
· "But if You Eliminate US Magazine's Use of 'Brangelina,' It's Like 9 Words, Tops" - Riley Ray
· "But They Buy Playboy for the Articles" - Lalaith
· "Does the Menu Come on Podcast?" - Jodi
· "Jews Against 'Wholesale Bargain' Stereotype" - jason
· "Now if They Would Just Caption the Pictures with Other Pictures" - Gadfly22
· "Oy" - Wendy
· "Patiently Waiting Until Cheap Celebrity Gossip is Available Telepathically" - Diane
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Two Honks, a Whistle and a 'Nice Ass' Means He Needs Directions
Man in truck: [Honks horn]
Rollerblading girl: What the hell does he want from me?
Man in truck: [Wolf whistles] Yeah, baby!
Rollerblading girl: ...Oh. Sex.--50th & RiversideOverheard by: Vicksburg
Headline by: Jaya
Runners-Up:
· "And That's How I Met Your Father... and Your Father. Oh, and Your Father Too." - michael Levy
· "He Puts the 'F' in 'Keep on Trucking'" - LadyP
· "I Knew Those Knee Pads Would Come in Handy!" - jackster
· "In Germany It Means 'Let's Play Scrabble Sometime'" - briguy
· "It's Called a Chevy Pick-Up" - jason
· "Next on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom: Mating Calls of the North American Teamster" - Tom Beckett
· "Pointing at Your Crotch Just Doesn't Say It Anymore" - Bevan
· "The Etymology of 'Horny'" - wavyfrog
· "They Usually Want To Discuss Dialectical Materialism" - International Man of Leisure
· "Well That, and Directions to Maryland" - that1dude
· "What's Wrong With a Little Four by Foreplay?" - Elle
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
He Never Did Figure Out Why the Blue Wouldn't Come Off
Teen guy on cell: Yeah, we should catch a movie. I gotta wash my balls first, though... No, that's fine. We can go to a party, but I gotta wash my balls.--Manhattan bound N trainOverheard by: Caryn
Headline by: Dustin
Runners-Up:
· "'Cuz When I Party, I Go Balls Out!" - MYRock
· "...Just in Case There's a Sack Race" - Rob
· "Can You Assist Me With the Blow Drying Process?" - Bored Beyond Belief
· "Cleanliness Is Next to the Perineum" - brazos
· "Fratboy Etiquette, in a Nutshell" - Hellespont
· "He Started Playing Billiards Just For the Double Entendres." - j
· "How to Spot a Dedicated Golfer" - TJ
· "I Hate to Tell Him, But Crabs Isn't Something You Can Just Wash Off..." - J.B.
· "In Case It's a Boston Teabag Party" - slappy
· "OCDeez Nuts" - Courtney
· "Or Get a Dog and Some Peanut Butter" - Corydon
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Where the Eggrolls Are Called Bay of Pigs in a Blanket
Foodie: Have you ever been to China Grill?
Non-Foodie: Is that Cuban food?--62nd & Broadway
Headline by: clarence rosario
Runners-Up:
· "You're Confusing 'Boat People' With the 'Cardboard Raft' People" - Jo Jo
· "Close, But No Cigar" - andrew harrison
· "Con-Fusion Cuisine" - Greg Costello
· "Either Way You Feel Oppressed Again an Hour Later." - Syd O
· "May I Take Your New World Order?" - jason daniel
· "Michelin Should Have Never Named it the Red Guide" - Fes
· "Public-School Geography Teachers Do Lunch." - Doctor Whom
· "Sum Dim People Think So" - Constant Irritant
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Hitler Did Kinda Focus on That One Star, Though...
College kid #1: ...and the astrologers are having to completely change their predictions because Pluto's not a planet anymore.
College kid #2: That's crazy.
Random guy: Don't make fun of astrology. Hitler took astrology seriously. So did Ronald Reagan. And kings and queens.--1 train, 116th StOverheard by: bluekale
Headline by: wiggity
Runners-Up:
· "Actually, The Queens Only Follow the Movements of Uranus" - Johnny B
· "Astrologists Predict Random Man Wearing Jack Boots Will Disembowel 2 College Kids" - dante mcnasty
· "I Thought Ronald Reagan Got Rid of All the Queens" - C.J.
· "Just When I Had Heard That Stupidity Was in Retrograde..." - tm78
· "Nostradumbass Lives On" - kathy
· "Pluto Is Just a Mickey Mouse Planet" - Elliott Sperber
· "Taurus: Keep Your Wits About You, as True Love Is Around the Corner. Also, You Will Invade Poland." - Jim C.
· "What Did You Think the Star Wars Program Was About?" - Tom Dorey
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Smart Genes? No, Those Are in the Wash Today.
Mother: Which side do we get out on?
12-Year-Old daughter: Whatever door opens, Mom.
Mother: Yeah, but both doors say they'll open.
12-Year-Old daughter: Just get out on the side with the platform, Mom.--LIRROverheard by: vick
Headline by: Spotty Muldoon
Runners-Up:
· "Dad Went to Harvard; Mom Went to Nassau Community" - bri b
· "God Never Closes a Door Without Confusing a Mother" - Eamon
· "Mind the Generation Gap" - d f
· "Must Be as Smart as This Door to Enter the City" - Amy Stephenson
· "Not a Throw Momma From The Train Fan" - John P.
· "The Other Side Is For the Tourists" - Andrea P
· "Twelve-Year-Old Finally Tells Mom Where to Get Off" - Vince Johnson
· "When She Was Pregnant, She Asked the Fetus Which Hole It Would Come Out Of" - janey
· "Wile E. Coyote Needed This Kind of Help" - DC Wonk
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Dy'man in the Rough
Yellow cab driver, leaning out window: Hey.
Gypsy cab driver: Yeah?
Yellow cab driver: Uh, West Side Highway?
Gypsy cab driver: Ri'on Dy'man.
Yellow cab driver: What?
Gypsy cab driver: Right on Dyckman.
Yellow cab driver: Oh! Okay.
Gypsy cab driver: Fuckin' tourists.--204th & BroadwayOverheard by: amused passenger
Headline by: NYwannabe
Runners-Up:
· "GPS: Gypsy Positioning System--Taxi Technology of the Future" - also amused
· "Adventure Tourism For Rich People With Everything" - Julie
· "Headline Be Damned, I'm Shocked There Were 2 Cabs in Inwood!" - erak
· "Hey, My Mother Was a Fucking Tourist" - Eugene
· "Real NYC Cabbies Just Head in the Wrong Direction" - Gary
· "So I Guess Asking For Grey Poupon Is Out of the Question" - Jen
· "They Never Come to a Complete Glottal Stop" - markle
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Except in This One, It's Okay For Beaker and Dr. Bunsen to Experiment With Kermit
Tourist husband: So what is this show about?
Tourist wife: I believe it's like a Muppets story.--Avenue Q, Golden Theater, W 45th StOverheard by: Jose
Headline by: Michael
Runners-Up:
· "The Muppets Take Manhattan, Roll It Over, Pull Its Hair and Make It Call Them 'Daddy'" - Colin McCleod
· "...And Miss Saigon Is About a Beauty Pageant" - bri b
· "And Porn Is Like a Plumbing Story" - jdw
· "And the Dinner You Took Me to at Olive Garden? That Was Like Italian." - Andy Klingenberger
· "Avenue Q Tickets: $120. The Looks on Vernon and Estelle's Faces When They Hear 'The Internet is for Porn': Priceless" - what i wouldn't give to watch them watch the show
· "Everyone's a Little Misinformed" - ian
· "Maybe If the Muppets Took Fire Island" - Broomrider
· "The Same Way That Debbie Does Dallas Is a Travel Documentary" - Kristin Sacre
· "Today's Letters Are S, E and X, and the Number Is 69" - Iain, London
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Like I said, 'Look! It's Daryl Hannah!'
Teenage tourist, pointing: Mom, look! It's Daryl Hannah!
Mom: Honey, that's not Daryl Hannah. That's one of those transgender people.--Downtown 6 train, 77th StOverheard by: Anne
Headline by: pontiac
Runners-Up:
·
"As I Always Say, 'If You Can't Tell, It Doesn't Matter.'" - Dave
· "Must Be Nicolette Sheridan's Day Off." - seamus
· "Not to Mention She's still Tied to a Walnut Tree in LA" - Liz!
· "Perhaps the Blade Runner Left an Angry Inch" - megs
· "So That's Where She Went." - Eamon Stimson
· "Technically, They're Both Right" - Wes Mantooth
· "Tom Hanks Thought It Was a Fish Tail." -peter
· "Who Says 'Ambiguous' Isn't a Classic Look?" -
Dame Droiture
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
If It's That Much Fun, You Weren't Doing the Right Drugs
20-Something guy #1: I loved rehab.
20-Something guy #2: I did, too.
20-Something guy #1: You know, I'm so grateful for the friends.--19th & 8thOverheard by: Sebastian White
Headline by: Adam Nathan
Runners-Up:
· "And Don't Forget the Free Detox Poncho" - Toby
· "And By 'Friends,' He Means 'Points of Reference.'" - Jessica P.
· "And Your Daughters Appreciate Not Having to Say They Fell Down the Stairs at School" - Fake Jew
· "However, My Intervention Was a Bore." - Sean
· "If I Ever Get Lonely, I Know I Can Just Relapse." - Colin McCleod
· "It's Hard to Find People Who Understand My Smurf Porn Addiction." - John
· "Its Just Like Summer Camp! But With No Blow" - Liss
· "So No One Told Ya Life Was Gonna Be This Wayyy (Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap)" - pete
· "That's Spelled F-I-E-N-D-S" - Bostonian
· "They Were The Mayo On My Cold Turkey" - Hellboy
· "You Should See the Support at the Sexaholics Meeting" - Mike
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Schindler's List Has Nudity!
Mother: We need to find Sound of Music for your brother.
Child: No! I want to watch Star Wars.
Mother: You can watch this. It has Nazis!--Kim's Video, Morningside Heights
Headline by: J Laks
Runners-Up:
· "And Bambi's About Guns" - dei
· "And Then We'll Watch Rent. It has lawyers!" - Nick V.
· "But Cover Your Ears During "My Favorite Things"; I'm Not Ready to Expose You to That." - manisha
· "Gene Siskel Declares: 'It's a Gas!'" - erak
· "Hayden Christensen's Acting Caused Far More Deaths, Though" - s himself
· "Now Put on Your Swastika Armband; We're Going to See Grandpa" - phil
· "See, Sweetie, Your Brother's Not Gay; He Just Advocates White Supremacy." - LC
· "The Promotional Tagline That Never Quite Made It..." - Julie Holt
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'm Pretty Sure She Meant 'Inconvenient'
Ghetto girl #1: So I took [the iPod].
Ghetto girl #2: See, if it was sitting on top I would take it, but I wouldn't go through their bag. That's just inconsiderate.--Downtown D trainOverheard by: Brian
Headline by: Lisa
Runners-Up:
· "But When I Stabbed Her I Kept My Pinkie Finger Sticking Out" - tech98
· "Comes With Nano-Sized Morals and Earbuds to Block Out the Sounds of Your Cellmates" - Mia A.
· "If You Still Want to Listen to Nelly Furtado, Steal Another iPod Within 12 Hours" - Hunter North
· "It's Not Like It Was Tied to His Wheelchair All That Tightly Either" - corey mcpubes
· "It's Only Rape If She's Wearing Undewear" - john
· "Martha Says: 'When Jacking Someone's Tunes, It's Proper to Leave an Origami Swan in Their Bag. It's a Good Thing.'" - Jatmos
· "Maybe She Was Borrowing It From a Friend, You Racist Fucks" - ceci
· "She's Practicing So She Knows How to Get Time Off For Good Behavior" - Shane
· "That Reminds Me of the Time I Found a Walkman Next to a Dead Rollerblader." - Hobo Whisperer
· "There's a Big Difference Between Stealing and Stealing" - Piret
· "When I Turned the Bag Upside Down, It Was on Top. DUH!" - Redneck Jedi
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Moist Wipes For All Escaping Religous Persecution
Little girl: Mommy, I'm hot. Can we swim in there?
Mom: No, sweetie. Everyone in New York poops in that river.--Ferry to Ellis Island
Headline by: agela abdullah
Runners-Up:
· "And Your Turn to Poop in it Isn't Until February" - Ryan
· "Great, I Need to Top up my Tan!" - SpaceBee
· "I Hear the McDonald's Pool in the Back is Nice This Time of Year" - Lifeguard Larry
· "Like the Backseat of Your Volvo, Mommy?" - Jeff
· "M. Night Shamalan's Next Script Idea" - Bevan
· "That's the New Definition of 'Hipster.'" - Matthew K Johnson
· "The Statue of Liberty Isn't Holding a Torch; She's Lighting a Match." - erak
· "Well, the Rich People Can Afford to Poop in Long Island Sound" - M.D.
· "Well, Yes. That's Why I Asked." - Greg
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Couldn't Find the Roman Numerals on my Keyboard, so I Used Exclamation Marks
Teen boy: Well, I tend to write more sloppily.
Teen girl: Sloppily!? Is that even a word?
Teen boy: It's an adverb.
Teen girl: Yes, but I said, "Is that even a word?"--Downtown 1 trainOverheard by: Trying not to laugh outloud
Headline by: Liz-a-saurus
Runners-Up:
· "I Can't Keep up. It's Like English Has a Different Word For Everything" - john
· "Another Blow to the Adverb Civil Rights Campaign" - Susan
· "It Depends on What Your Definition of 'Is' Is..." - NTM
· "Only For Handwriting and Prostitution" - scott
· "Right After That, he Prepositioned Her" - Brik
· "She Gave up on School to Focus on Getting Pregnant" - ak
· "That White Flag You See Is From the Makers of Schoolhouse Rock" - Amanda
· "Wait, I Didn't Understand. I Had Your Dick in my Ear." - JBunny
· "Well at Least You've Got Great Tits" - Peter
· "You Sure Ask a Lot of Questions For Someone With no Forehead" - weston
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
"Now Let's Go Get Some Raw Fish Wrapped in Seaweed"
Little girl, pointing to an ad depicting peanut butter and banana on
bread: What is that?
Mother, looking at the ad for a moment: It's sushi.
Little girl: What's sushi?
Mother: It's Chinese food...You wouldn't like it.--Downtown B train
Headline by: Maniac Moll
Runners-Up:
· "愚かなアメリカ人" - Oog Oog
· "1 Billion Americans Couldn't be Wrong" - Moze
· "50,000 Elvis Fans Discover They Like Raw Fish" - ED
· "And Why Don't We Like Chinese Food? That's Right, 'Cause They Bombed Pearl Harbour" - Brendan
· "Choosey Moms Choose Eel and Avocodo" - PJ
· "Don't Tell Me What I Like, You Chink Bitch" - Bevan
· "If You Eat the Wrong Part, You Become a Gorilla" - devin the artist
· "It's Only Chinese if the Banana Is Small" - Oren K
· "Mommy, it Looks so Much Like Daddy's Cock Coming Out of Your Asshole." - Extra Character
· "New Study Finds Confusion Prevents Childhood Obesity" - Booters
· "Technically, Honey, It's Sashimi" - ED
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Saw Frank Open a Beer Bottle With His Labia
Fireman, telling a story about a female fire fighter: She's one tough woman.
Retired cop: All firemen are tough women.--Bar, Staten Island
Headline by: Max North
Runners-Up:
· "And Don't Even Get me Started on Lifeguards...Bunch of Pussies." - Lindsey
· "Does This Hose Make my Ass Look Big?" - Bones
· "Don't Get Him Started on Meter Maids..." - colin
· "Firefighters Are From Venus, Cops Are From Jersey" - Hunter North
· "It Makes For an Interesting Calendar" - travis
· "That's How the Poles Stay so Smooth" - Syd O'Banion
· "They All Refused Anesthesia During the Sex Change Operation" - Johnny D
· "Which Does Much to Explain the Low Salaries" - Jenina
· "You Should See His Burnt Doll Collection" - Matthew
· "You'll Never Be the Man Your Mother Was." - Paul
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
What Do You Think This Is, Tower Records?
Customer: Do you have the documentary on Marlene Dietrich made by
her nephew, David Riva?
Sales girl: Who's that again?
Customer: Marlene Dietrich.
Sales girl: [blank look]
Customer: Come on, Dietrich!! You know, Garbo, Monroe, Dietrich...
the big ones.
Sales girl: Hey, I'm sorry. I don't know everybody.--Virgin Megastore, Times SquareOverheard by: Gladys M
Headline by: Steve
Runners-Up:
· "A Virgin employee apologizing... she must be new, she hasn't grown a superiority complex yet" - Matthew McGuirl
· "Have you ever read anything by Seuss?" - Steve Harhart
· "He never could deliver a pick-up line without getting angry" - AK
· "I Need a Gay Male Employee at the Front Desk Please, a Gay Male Employee" - Jennifer Koretsky
· "I think she was in something with Tom Cruise...?" - Michelle
· "Plus he lost her at "documentary"" - Amy Stephenson
· "Sales clerk caught unaware of hip new trend called "History"" - Andy
· "She wears a nametag to satisfy her own curiosity" - Amanda
· "They're Dead to Me" - Toby
· "Wait. . . Your'e Telling Me Stuff Happened Before I Was Born?" - DanC
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Five minutes later their car was stolen.
Cop #1: We wouldn't have so much crime here if Law & Order was set somewhere else. I mean, they're just giving people ideas, and making them think it's entertaining.
Cop #2: Uh huh. And the show also makes people think the force is full of skilled, competent officers.
Cop #1: I guess I object to that, too.--John's Pizza, Bleecker StOverheard by: Jebediah
Headline by: Nick
Runners-Up:
· "As Do The Tourists Who Expect Him to Help When They're Being Mugged" - Sinead
· "But The Worst Part Is, When Lenny Makes A Joke About A Corpse Everyone Thinks It's Adorable, But When I Do It I Get Some Bitch Widow Calling Me Insensitive" - Kate
· "His remote's in his holster and his TV is broken." - Nick
· "I guess Vincent D'Onofrio is skilled, if by skilled you mean unbearable to watch" - that guy
· "I'm more of a Village People Cop than a Law & Order Cop" - ak
· "If the Sci-Fi Channel folded, we wouldn't have so many alien invasions, either" - Matthew
· "If they brought back Cop Rock, this job would be a cake walk" - tony ska
· "It's moments like these that make me wish I was set somewher else" - Jenina
· "Wow I was always saying that wrong. So it's *Life* imitates *Art*?" - srednivashtar
· "You should have seen this town when "Naked City" was on." - J. A. G.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And That's When I Got the Idea For the Fucks Capacitor
Queer: So I hit my head on the locker door at the gym, and I think I damaged my cervical cortex.
Chick: I fucking hate you.--Lispenard StOverheard by: fat dragon
Headline by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Runners-Up:
· "He's Fucked In the Head" - John
· "I Knew You Cheated Off me on the Anatomy Exam!" - kyla
· "I Also Bruised my Temporal Labia" - Justin
· "It's Like Childbirth Every Time I Think" - alaina
· "It's Near the Mangina" - chris
· "Katie Holmes Finally Wakes Up" - Andy Adelewitz
· "Now I Have Two Cunts Giving me a Headache." - rather decline
· "Oddly Enough, All He Hears Is 'You're Fabulous'" - Alexandria Symonds
· "She Failed Her 'Bedside Manner' Class in Med School" - AL
· "Since You got Word-of-the-Day Toilet Paper, Things Haven't Been the Same" - Cheeky Brit
· "So, He Looks Great, Has a Gym Membership AND a Cervix. No Wonder She Can't Get a Date." - Mel Mouse
· "What Mr. and Mrs. Bush Say Behind Closed Doors" - Marissa
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
No Difference to a Lonely Hawaiian
Girl #1: I find it tart, too. Also kind of musky and a little sweet.
Girl #2: Mmm. Wait! Are you talking about pineapple or pussy?--Washington Heights
Headline by: Jay B
Runners-Up:
· "A little bit of everything goes into an Orange Julius" - Mike
· "A normal conversation between two airport drug smugglers" - Scott
· "And Why is This Tasting Room So Crowded?" - Greg Costello
· "Can it be both?" - saltwater
· "Pussy! But not yours. Yours is nasty." - Andy Adelewitz
· "Pussy." - Ray
· "That's why the Hawaiian word for pineapple is "poon"" - marcusj
· "The One with the Hole in the Middle" - DanC
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
But isn't Canada the Party School?
Frantic, screaming child: But I wanna transfer. I wanna transfer!
Calm mother: And where do you wanna transfer to?
Child: Australia.--crosstown bus, 72nd StOverheard by: steven
Headline by: woo hoo
Runners-Up:
· "And Try To Get Through Samoa at Rush Hour?" - Greg Costello
· "But It's Always So Early There" - Kelsey
· "Kangaroos seek 21st century juvies for fun, romance." - sidruid
· "Kids Say The Crikiest Things!" - josh
· "She drank a lot of Foster's during pregnancy" - lc
· "This is why you should beat your children" - Adam
· "We Brits would have sent him for free in the old days" - Iain, London
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Can You Tuck? Says Here 'Girl Gets a Free Balloon.'
Dad: How old are you?
Teen boy: Thirteen.
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: You know he's thirteen.
Dad: It says here that if you're eleven or younger, you get in free... How old are you?
Teen: Oh. Eleven.--Roxy DeliOverheard by: Kelsey
Headline by: Tom Dorey
Runners-Up:
· "And Don't Forget, Your Mom's Your Grandma And She Got That Black Eye Playing Bingo" - Kate
· "And it's cheaper than regression therapy" - Kim
· "But He is 19 on Myspace" - DanC
· "Good Answer. Now Give Me $10 For Your Mother And Me." - Hobo Whisperer
· "Good...now go shave your balls." - Colin
· "If Your Mom Hadn't Lied About her Age, You WOuldn't Be Here Now" - Jason
· "Sorry, Not Applicable to Jews" - djingo
· "Still paying down the debt from Dad's mid-life crisis" - Allison
· "You Know What I Like Better Than Welfare Checks? Nothing." - Amos
· "You know I only get paid for sending them pre-teens" - kasey
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Start Smashing Judy Garland Records
Girl: How do I cross the parade?
Cop: Get in line with the rest of the straight people.--Pride Parade, 14th & 5th
Headline by: Steve
Runners-Up:
· "Chickens have pride, too." - Gobbling Cock
· "Give It The Old College Try" - Paul K.
· "Maybe a Richard Gere costume" - Corydon
· "Now, Dance! And When We Stop Laughing, You May Cross." - Andy Adelewitz
· "That, or turn queer on 6th" - Albylicious
· "The Indian and the Construction Worker Were Far More Helpful" - mercavelli
· "The only day of the year when 'blow me' isn't the right answer." - Jesse Y C
· "Unless of course you'd like to show me some hot girl on girl action." - Adam
Click here to see the new Headline Contest