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Tough Talk for a Kid from the Bronx
Teacher: What country do we live in?
Very enthusiastic little boy: The United States of New York!
Teacher, a few minutes later: Can someone name a state outside of New York?
Very enthusiastic little boy: Brooklyn!
--First grade classroom, the Bronx
She's a Sex Ed Class Dummy
Queer: Today Daisy totally showed me her vagina!
Girl: She shows everyone her vagina.
--3rd & 6th
Overheard by: zin
I'm Considering Getting Out of Sales
Freezing passerby: It's so cold! I wish they sold hot chocolate out here.
Yo-yo purveyor: Yeah... You wanna buy a yo-yo? Ah, that shit won't keep you warm.
--Rockefeller Center
Mostly I Just Massage Her Feet
Queer #1: It is so difficult for me to explain... like, it really hurts to be treated that way, and sometimes I just need to stop and focus on the pain and learn why it bothers me so much.
Queer #2: Why don't you talk to your therapist about it?
Queer #1: She won't let me talk about that stuff.
--1 train
Overheard by: Brina Guild
Just Like Any Stay at Home Parent
Guy: Why won't you spend time with me?
Chick: Because I don't want to date you, remember? I don't like you.
Guy: C'mon, let's go away for the weekend. Let's go to St. John's -- I'll pay.
Chick: That would make me a whore.
Guy: So, let's go.
--Spring & Lafayette
Overheard by: S
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Homing Device
Late-20s woman: Up until six months ago, I thought Europe was a country. I just didn't know...
--6 train
Overheard by: 21 and knows better
Social butterfly: Williamsburg? Where is that? Pennsylvania?
--Broadway & Bond
Overheard by: the bfd
Dude: What? You're not from Illinois, you're from Chicago!
--Cheesecake Factory
Female tourist: Where's Chicago, again? Oh, that's here in New York, right?
--Outside Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Genissimo
Astonished woman: Los Angeles is not a state!
--Outside Javits Center
Overheard by: Tara
Asian tourist chick: Is this considered the West coast?
--Max Brenner, Union Square
I Have the Smallest Ericsson Ever!
Jock #1: Mine is five inches!
Jock #2: Hah! I got you beat! Mine is about four inches.
Jock #3: Yeah? Well, I beat both you dudes. Mine is only two inches!
--W 112th, between Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Christopher Stone
Of Course, I Missed Like Every Science Class Ever
Hipster girl: Gosh, I'm like Pavlov's dog!
Guy: What the hell is that?
Hipster girl: You don't know? They teach it in, like, every science class ever!
Guy: So, what is it?
Hipster girl: It has something to do with bells and drool, I'm not really sure.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Tres Chic
What's the Bad News?
Tall blonde: Didn't you say you were getting an ice cream cake? I'm so confused.
Short blonde: There was no time for both, so that'll have to be another break a little later.
Tall blonde: Ah, okay. I just was worried about it sitting in Accounting, so I went to get it and they had no idea what I was talking about.
Short blonde: Oh, no, no. Plus, I couldn't carry all three. The good news -- Mylar won't melt.
--25th & Broadway
Overheard by: prciosasoy
Wednesday One-Liners Ride a Vespa
Hipster on cell: I'm not even buying anything. I'm just here to be seen.
--Trader Joe's
Hipster boy: I loves me some master race!
--Lobby, the Met
Overheard by: Shayna
Tipsy hipster girl: Wine is so, like, the blood of the gods!
--W 4th & Christopher St
Hipster guy: I think the most truly good person who's ever been on this earth was Gandhi. Or maybe Martin Luther King, Junior... But he was black.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Ghandi was Indian..
Drunk chick: What kind of hipsters are you that you won't fuck a girl just because she wants to wear a Sailor Moon costume?
--St. Mark's Pl
Wednesday One-Liners Always Have a Date
Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It's just never come up, I guess. So I think, 'Okay, I'm not that young anymore -- I'll take what I can get...' and it was going fine, but then I didn't know you're not supposed to shove it in that fast...
--14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Peter L
Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It's not a dildo, it's a back massager from Duane Reade.
--Christopher & 7th
Girl: I've got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I'm all set!
--Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn
Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?
--6 train
Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!
--Victoria's Secret dressing room
20-something guy to pals at brunch: I'm tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!
--56th & 9th
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No... 40 grand, and I'll suck your dick.
--Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can't teach you anything if you don't practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
--78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya'll!
--2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That's NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, 'Are you on Restless?' And I was like, 'Yeah,' and then she dropped to her knees!
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you're married, and I don't need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
--Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
Meet Refried Jean
Girl #1: I looove Mexican food.
Girl #2: Me, too... just not people ordering it while they're having sex with me.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Thanks to Dow Corning Breast Implants
Loud guy: They're both really pretty.
Girl: Yeah, sure.
Loud guy: Sure, they've got busted noses, but they're still really pretty.
--Chola Restaurant, 58th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave
Wasn't This an Eddie Murphy Skit?
Hobo: You're all a bunch of cheap people!
Conductor: This is Myrtle Avenue, Wyckoff Avenue. All the cheap people are getting off here.
--M train
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor
... But Seriously, Do I Look Fat?
Tourist kid to his brother: Shut up. There's no such thing as a male anorexic. Right? And I'm not one of them.
--JetBlue Terminal, JFK
Overheard by: frequent flier
It's Her Ex
Anorexic JAP on cell: ...No money, so I stopped dating him.
Hobo: Whore.
Anorexic JAP, to hobo: Excuse me?
Hobo: Nice thighs -- have another doughnut.
--East Village
Caffeine: Mortgaging Your Physiological Future
Old lady #1: So I think maybe that's the problem with New Yorkers.
Old lady #2: No decaf?
Old lady #1: Yep, no decaf. That's the problem.
--Starbucks, 102nd & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look
Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Francesca
White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?
--4 train
Overheard by: Gregorio
Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?
--D train, Grand Concourse
Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?
--Manhattan-bound F train
Overheard by: Josh
Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?
--Game Stop, Forest Hills
Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They're like lions -- from the sea!
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Andrew K.
Hey, Kiss My Wednesday One-Liners
Drunk guy: Excuse me, Miss, I'm askin'... I want to kiss your ass! Just the left cheek!
--8th Ave & W 55th St
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
Canadian guy: The first kiss'll be at the altar.
--Uptown 6 train
Loudmouth on cell: Yeah man, and then, like, I was kissing her, and then I like, just started dancing with her. We were dancing, man. And then I picked her up, and she beat the crap out of me, and I had to put her down. Yeah, man. But she was a fuckin' awesome kisser.
--NYU
Overheard by: lucy in the sky with diamonds
Girl on cell: I can't remember the last time we kissed on the mouth, can you?
--43rd & Lex
Ghetto chick leaving after fight with boyfriend: Kiss my ass. No, kiss my pussy while it's bleeding, like you used to.
--Washington Heights
Girl on cell: He said he wouldn't leave until I kissed him... so I kissed him while I was on the toilet!
--115th St & Manhattan Ave
Overheard by: Melissa Berry
Give Me Some Head with Hair?
Tourist to woman handing out fans promoting Hair: What is this?
Woman: It's, you know, a fan. So you can blow yourself.
--Broadway & 46th
Overheard by: Dain
I Have People Who Do that for Me
Pope: So you said 300 percent return?
Bee: Definitely, man -- 300 percent!
Pope: So I'll have my people call your people.
Bee: Yeah, let's have our people talk.
Pope: My people will totally be in touch with your people, man.
Bee: Okay, dude. Then let's get high.
--Halloween party, Brooklyn
Julie London?
Tween girl: It so smells like London out today.
Hippie chick: What does London smell like?
Tween girl: Really damp.
--10th St & Greenwich
Overheard by: Intimidated by children
They Left the Scouts Under the Table
Old lady # 1, crossing the street: Will you help me?
Old lady # 2: Yeah, yeah -- I'll help you.
Old lady # 1: I am very drunk.
Old lady # 2: Yeah, I drank a lot, too.
--78th & York
Overheard by: I hope I'm still getting drunk when I'm that old
His Translation Captures the Spirit of the Original
Chinese girl: [in Chinese] Your luck just ran out.
Black girl: What the fuck did she say?
Chinese passerby: You are fucked.
--W 4th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Ting
Wednesday One-Liners Hallah Back
Chick complaining about looking for roommates: The problem with today is that everybody's Jewish.
--Dobbin & Norman
Overheard by: Sam Tresler
Young quasi-gangster to friends: Even if you're not Jewish, you're, like... Jewish.
--Post-Yankees game on B train
Overheard by: Indiana
Tourist chick: How, how, how can there be no Jewish deli? All I want is a tongue sandwich and a fucking piece of pizza!
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: X-tal
Lady suit: Are you saying you'd rather be with a Jewish person than a wife-beater?
--18th & 6th
Overheard by: emily
JAP: Shiksas are totally not allowed on Jdate!
--71st & Columbus
Overheard by: DebDan
Chick in stall to friend: It must be a Jewish thing, but whenever there's food around I have to eat it -- even if I'm not hungry.
--Restroom, Loews Cinema, 11th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Em
Queer: No, like, of course you're not Jewish. I just wanted to check before I dissed the Jews.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: hilla
He'll Grow into Them
Female coworker: So, does your son have dark hair like you?
Male coworker: No, he has sort of sandy hair -- like a cross between me and his mom, Lisa.
Female coworker: Oh.
Male coworker: But, you know, he has big nipples like Lisa.
--NJ Transit train
No, Although We Do Have a Slight Anxiety About Whackjobs Trying to Electrocute Us in Elevators
Lady carrying box: What brings you to the city?
British woman: We're here looking at schools.
Lady carrying box: Well, are you concerned about electromagnetic fields?
--New Yorker Hotel elevator
Overheard by: Alyssa
Or More Staplers
Hospital coffee shop counter guy: Missed you yesterday.
Hospital clerk: Yeah, you didn't see me yesterday. I was in the emergency room. Patient
swung at me with a cane. So I threw a metal stapler at her. I got stressed when I threw that stapler, yeah. So I went to the emergency room. We need partitions, man.
--City Hospital, Bronx
Juvenile Wednesday One-Liners
Second grader: Earth is the greatest planet in the whole world!
--125th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Yes, I'm his teacher.
Little boy to younger brother in elevator: Stop! It's like the hospital, you can't touch anything!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: student
Little girl: Big Brother is watching!
--Franklin St & Church St
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Little boy: Yo, digit, you don't get any pussy, how you gonna say she ugly?
--Corsa Ave, the Bronx
Overheard by: Edward Carney
Little girl to other little girl wearing school uniform: You look like a woman. Go change!
--116th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Ken Yapelli
Little girl: Excuse me, where is the drugstore? I mean, where are the drugs?
--Duane Reade, 7th Ave & Flatbush
Overheard by: Cupcake
Little boy: I can't wait to get home so I can scratch my crotch!
--6th Ave & 17th St
Funny how 'Bitch' Is Worse than Mother Sex
Hobo: Fuck you, you shits, you fucking assholes. I'm going to fucking kill you! Fuck you! Fuck you bitches! Fuck you and your mothers!
Queer #1: Oh no. No you did not just call me a bitch. You crazy homeless fuck.
Queer # 2: Mhm, get sassy on this bitch. Bitch deserves to be homeless. He should just shut his mouth and keep it movin'.
--Sheridan Square
Apple's Next Anti-PC Marketing Campaign Takes Shape
Office thug #1: Yo, Windows is, like, mad-retarded!
Office thug #2: Say what?
Office thug #1: I said Windows is bullshit, man.
Office thug #2: Man, I been telling you that shit for years. My G5 is way better than whatever computer you got.
Office thug #1: Nigga, my laptop has AIDS!
--52nd St & Madison
Oh, Dad! We Have Pills For That Now
Girl: So I'm finally going to tell that guy that I like him.
Father: What guy?
Girl: That really hot dude that took me to the prom.
Father: Oh, ok, good.
Girl: But it's going to be really weird cuz this guy could have any woman he wants.
Father: Just hit him over the head, drag him in the house and don't let him leave.
--A train
Overheard by: cave man style
What Happens When You Let Jesuits Educate Your Kids
Tween girl: Mom you're not a tease if you give it up, you're a slut. Jesse's a slut, I'm a tease.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: S-dawg
...And Jimmy's a Girl
Queer #1: You are so gay.
Queer #2: I am not gay! Why do people keep saying that?
Queer #1: Well, you made out with Robert, and you slept with Jimmy.
Queer #2: Robert kissed me, I didn't kiss him.
--Greenpoint
Christian Science By Proxy
Singing hobo: I'm gonna praise Him! I'm gonna thank Him in His naaaame!
Dude #1 gives the hobo a dollar.
Singing hobo: Thank you. God bless you.
Dude #2: Dude, my balls still hurt.
Dude #1: Did you take anything?
--Northbound N
Overheard by: Matt Hartwick
Wednesday One-Liners Have at Least One Marketable Skill
Pragmatist: I figure if I don't get a job in publishing, I'll become a video vixen.
--Dunkin' Donuts, Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Overheard by: Christine
Skank: No way! I am not one of those girls. I am not a video girl...I am a dancer!
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Skye
Ditz: Supposably [sic], she's going to be dancing in some Beyonce video. She's so stupid.
--54th St between 9th & 10th
Media scholar: Well it's different when the girl getting fucked in the video is the same age as you. I mean, that's great when you're 15.
--20th & 8th
He'll Be Happy to Share Some WD-40 Memories with You, Though
Preppy guy #1: I hate geese shit on fields.
Preppy guy #2: It's not so bad. It's a good lubricant for when you slide-tackle people. You know, you just keep sliding...
Preppy guy #3: Dude, I can't remember the last time I jerked off using geese shit. It can't be that good a lubricant!
--Central Park
This Was at the Heart of the Dispute Between Edison and Tesla
Queer #1: Ann and Leslie are here.
Queer #2: Shit, are they lesbians?
Queer #1: Yeah.
Queer #2: Uh, I'm a D.C. gay. I don't hang out with lesbians.
--3rd & B
Illegal in Most Countries
Young boy, singing: I love you! You love me! We're as happy as two can be!
Mother: I'll show you how much I fucking love you!
--D train, Fordham Rd
Overheard by: horrified
Wednesday One-Liners Ride the Train (Whoo-Whoo!) and Ride It
Conductor: Last stop, Grand Central Terminal. Remember, don't drink and drive, but if you are going to take the train, drink 'til you go blind. Have a nice evening.
--Metro North, Grand Central
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. Next stop, uh... Franklin... naw, that's not it. Well, let's go.
--Brooklyn bound R train
Overheard by: Matt Hartwick
Conductor, to woman standing halfway in the motorman's booth flirting with him: Wanna drive?
--7 train
Overheard by: Margarita
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is not roll call. This is not Mickey Mouse roll call. Stand clear of the closing doors.
--4 train, Wall St
Overheard by: Pandora
Conductor: Please step in and watch the closing doors... Sir. Move your stuff out of the doors so I can close them! Motherfucker gonna make me late... gonna make us all late!
--Queens bound R train
Overheard by: Jay Kay
Conductor: We are now approaching 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. If you're not getting off here, you should. Go see the second half of the Boston Massacre. Have a good day.
--Uptown 4 train
Overheard by: Helena the Great
Conductor: There is no V train service on the weekends. Get on this train. I repeat, there is no V train service on the weekends. What are you waiting for? Just get on my train!
--Downtown E train
Overheard by: tyler ann
Good Samaritan Laws Have Yet to be Enacted in the Subway
Man, boarding downtown E: This is the downtown E?
Woman: Yes.
Man: You sure?
Woman: I'm positive.
Man: Aight, 'cause if those numbers start gettin' bigger, yo head gonna get bigger, bitch.
--E train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Ivan
Astonishingly, This Didn't Work When He Asked His Wife to Do Anal
Little girl: Daddy! Why can't I try? Why can't I ride it?
Dad, on mini-bike: Because I'm God, and God says so.
--72nd & 5th
Overheard by: better off agnostic
... Mom
Lady: You're making me wet... I SAID you're making me wet.
Man: Yes, I tend to have that effect on the ladies.
Lady: With your umbrella.
Man: I'm flattered, but it's not that big.
--1 train
Overheard by: Sloane
How T-Shirt Magazine Was Born
Clerk #1: I've always wanted to start my own magazine.
Clerk #2: Yeah, but there are so many magazines out!
Clerk #3: I've always wanted to start my own T-shirt company.
--American Apparel, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by:
I Said I Just Whacked Off
Coworker #1: So what've you been up to?
Coworker #2: The usual. Just whacked off.
Coworker #1: Dude, you're on speakerphone.
--Office, Midtown
Overheard by: Madeline
And Start Smelling Me, So I Don't Have to Shower Later
Woman: You shouldn't smell all of those. It's not nice to the people that will buy them. Besides, you're not even buying one.
Girl: What makes you think I'm not buying one?
Woman: It's just not nice for you to smell them, is all I'm saying.
Girl: What, I'm going to use up all the smell? Just stop talking to me.
--Candle section, Kmart, Penn Station
Overheard by: kier
Owner: Actually, I Like a Gentle Up-and-Down Motion -- The Roughened Tongue Will Be Ideal
Broker: This is not a pet-friendly property.
Girl: Does it matter if my cat is toilet-trained?
Broker: I don't understand.
Girl: My cat doesn't have a litter box. It uses the toilet. Does that help?
Broker: I am not sure if that makes a difference. How did you do it?
Girl: I used a training kit. CitiKitty.
Broker: It might impress the owner, but I am not sure it makes a difference. Does your cat flush?
Girl: It will if that helps me get the apartment.
--82nd & Columbus
She Misunderstood 'Underwire Bra'
Girl #1: My nipples are really sore and I don't know why.
Girl #2: Did you ever think that they might hurt because of the pieces of metal you've stapled through them?
--110th St
Overheard by: Not stapled
See, Because of You the Whole Class Got Punished
Woman #1: Yo! Hurry up in there!
Woman #2: Don't you be tellin' me to rush! I got my woman needs, too! I had to change my pads! Betcha didn't wanna hear that, huh, didya? Didya?
Woman #3: No. We didn't.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Alanna
You Had Seven Months to Learn Verbal Communication, And Now We Try It My Way
Chick #1: So she taught the baby to use sign language? Is that because the baby only speaks Spanish?
Chick #2: No, because it's seven months old and doesn't speak.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: kelley girl
Drunk, Or Still Emerging from the Anesthesia?
Conductor: May I see your ticket, please?
Drunk tranny: I already showed my ticket.
Conductor: Yes, but you haven't showed it to me.
Drunk tranny: What the fuck? I already showed my damn ticket.
Conductor: OK, calm down. Just show me your ticket, please... I'll come back for it to give you a minute to find it.
Drunk tranny: You are probably a leather queen. I pay $16,000 for a cunt and this is the disrespect I get. I am fucking changing cars.
--Long Beach bound LIRR
A World Where My Sisters and Brothers Will Be Judged Not by the Color of Their Skin but by the Circumference of Their Ass
Hobo: Spare some change for the fucking poor? Yeah, that's right, you fucking chinks. Fucking slanty-eyed flat-assed bitches! Suck my ass!
Asian woman: He said my butt was flat!
--114th & Broadway
He's a Lock for a Career There
Father: Look at that sign. What do you think mela means?
Son: I don't know.
Father: Look at the picture.
Son: Oh, apple! So it's, like, an Applebee's?
--Little Italy
Kinda Leaves a Bad Taste in Your Mouth, Though
Man: You finally made it.
Woman: Yeah... by the time I wake up, get ready, drive to the train station, take the train, then take the subway to get here all for a ten-minute interview... it's, like, a total rim job.
Man: Ummm... at least you made it.
--50th & 7th
Ladies and Gentlemen: The Only Two People in New York with Insurance
Scaffolding: [loud boom]
Girl: Holy shit.
Construction worker #1: Hey, it's OK, don't worry.
Construction worker #2: Yeah, we have insurance!
--81st & 2nd
Overheard by: another girl about to walk under the death tr
But I Am Also Open to the Fingers of Others
Guy: Yeah, sometimes I like to suck on my fingers.
Girl: OK.
--Fanelli's, Prince & Mercer
Which Is All About the Unknowns
Female tourist: I don't get it. This isn't a square, it's like... triangular.
Male tourist: No, no, they just call it that because... well... it's like... a square... a square of people. I don't know, it has something to do with algebra.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Luke
Wednesday One-Liners Always Thought Slim Goodbody Was Hot
Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!
--Brooklyn bound F train
Overheard by: PoisonIvy
Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin' good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!
--1 train
Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs...
--1 train
Overheard by: sara n.
Woman on cell: I can't believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!
--18th & Park
Overheard by: edward
Vendor: What if they test it and find that it's from his ear?!
--Wooster & Broome
Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It's called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there's a market for them.
--Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I'm on the street. I can't hear--Oh, tilted! That's totally fucked up. I'm sorry.
--23rd & 6th
Look at How Stretched-Out Her Vagina Is
Boyfriend: Y'know, you can tell she was really pretty... What?
--Bodies exhibit, Fulton St
Overheard by: also stared
It's a Great Way to Pick Up the Mothers of My Future Fetuses
Ghetto Girl: I wonder how come you don't see more men here...
Gangsta #1: Shit, 'cause they ain't got patience for this shit. I been here for four hours!
Gangsta #2: Yo nigga, that's why I go shopping.
--Planned Parenthood waiting room, Bleecker St
Sadly Not Beyond the Realm of Possibility
Kid presses call button on commuter hotline phone.
Father: Why did you do that?
Son: I'm sorry. I didn't know what it was.
Father: If you do that again the police will arrest you.
Son: Really?
Father: Yes, George Bush will come and take you to jail.
Son: What?
Father: He will kill you and put your picture on the Wall of Memories [Ground Zero feature].
--World Trade Center PATH station
Another Satisfied Customer of Rib Removal Surgery
Girl #1: You wanna try some of my tuna roll?
Girl #2: No, that's okay. I'll just eat my box.
--Sushiya, 56th & 5th
Overheard by: Reina
Wednesday One-Liners Suit Up
Suit on cell: I expected pus, but it's got little black specks in it.
--Pelham Bay Park, the Bronx
Overheard by: HelenA.Handbasket
Suit: When I said "fairy tale" I meant like Mother Goose--not Miss Dirty Martini!
--F train
Overheard by: braincurve
Suit #1 to suit #2: Oh sure, I've got a source. I can get you a kidney, no problem.
--Madison Square Park
Female suit on cell: I don't think you're hearing what I'm saying. I think you're in a very nagging place right now.
--Duane & Broadway
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Middle-Aged suit: Boobies boobies boobies. Boobies boobies boobies...
--41st & 8th
Suit on cell: So there's gonna be total chaos on September 14th, but that's all we have planned so far.
--Church St
Overheard by: Dara
Suit: My goal in life is to one day sue someone.
--A train
Overheard by: LSB
Trevor Had Heard Tales About People Caught North of 110th After Dark
Man, waking up: What stop is this?
Fellow passenger: 125th Street
Man: What time is it?!
Fellow passenger: 8 o'clock.
Man: Oh dear God! [Runs off train]
--Uptown A train, 125th St
Let's Go to Thailand!
Little boy, looking at transvestite: Daddy, is that a boy or a girl?
Dad: It's a boy.
Little boy: But boys don't wear dresses!
Transvestite: Child, you got a lot to learn.
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: Jeremy
In Her Living Room, She Just Lies There
White chick: Hey! Enough with the pushing already!
Indian woman: No! No! No! This is not your living room. This is rush hour--so I pooosh and pooosh!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon
You Would Not Have Wanted to Be Awake For What We Did to You
Girl #1: What's up?
Girl #2: Still recovering from last night.
Girl #1: It wasn't that bad.
Girl #2: What? I passed out and woke up naked in the club.
Girl #1: See, I told you.
--Internet cafe, 63rd Drive, Queens
Overheard by: Interested Listener
Now's the Time to Clarify These Things
Guido: I like my women a little more, shall we say, feminine.
Trannie: Yeah, I've got balls.
--LIRR, 6 AM
Overheard by: eileen
It Looks Like This Very Train Car, Neo
Litte girl: Why do they always do that?
Mother: Because they don't think outside the box.
Little girl, after a pause: What does the box look like?
--Metro-North
Overheard by: Emilio Lizardo
How Arrogant!
Teen girl #1: He's so arrogant! Wait...Arrogant means stupid, right?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, it means stupid and...dumb.
--Starbucks, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Molly
In the Winter She Smells Like Yellow Snow
Little kid to mom: You smell!
Mom: Yeah, that's New York in the summer.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Cody
2000 Years of World History Say, 'Yes'
Girl #1, watching clean-cut white guy who is playing his clarinet for money: What's he doing peddling on a subway?
Girl #2: Do we have to give him money because he's white?
--Downtown C train
Wednesday One-Liners Mind the Gap
Man: All I want is vaginal fluids. Been locked up for years upstate.
--Astor Place
Hipster dude: It smells like dirty vagina out here.
--Graham & Richardson, Williamsburg
Amateur gynecologist: I mean, when you think about it, he's really just a big vagina with sand in it.
--93rd & 3rd
Frat guy: I don't know, man...I just don't trust her vagina.
--Outside Ray's Pizza, Houston St
Overheard by: Becky
Chubby teen: I've never even touched a vagina!
--100th & Amsterdam
Worker: They had a bet on who ate the best pussy. They get on the stage and take turns going down on her.
--32nd & Madison
Woman, to store clerk: Excuse me, do you knows where the pussy products is?
--Duane Reade, 45th & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Need the Cliffs Notes
Drunk college kid: I had to read Grapes of Wrath. Which, by the way, has no grapes! Pissed me off!
--53rd & 7th
20-Something chick: Non fiction? That's true stuff right?
--Barnes & Noble, 54th between 3rd & Park
Older sister, giving younger brother a book entitled Living in Sin: Here, this is all about you.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Guy, to friend reading Dostoevsky's The Idiot: Hey, is that your autobiography?
--Times Square
Overheard by: John
Ghetto white dude: Yo, that nigga is like Shakespeare. Mad gangsta.
--9th St & 4th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: shannon ramlochan
Guy: You can't talk to me for half an hour about Chaucer and then tell me you have a boyfriend.
--St Mark's & 3rd
Wednesday One-Liners: Too Busy to Acquire Social Skills
Virgin-For-Life: Clark Kent and Kal-El are the same goddamn thing, Joey! We are not having this conversation again! Jesus Christ! I'm going home!
--Coney Island
20-Something Virgin-For-Life, noticing guy with Superman t-shirt: Look! That's who I wanna be when I grow up! Clark Kent! Imagine just taking a suit off and becoming a superhero.
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Guy With Superman t-shirt
Virgin-For-Life: The intestinal epithelium is my dream tissue.
--Albert Einstein College of Medicine, the Bronx
Overheard by: Joshua Drumm
Virgin-For-Life: He's really sharp. He's like the head of Voltron.
--23rd between 5th & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Flaming Bag on Your Porch
Dude: It's all right to be self-conscious about your feces.
--L train
Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Tourist: On the farm, manure smells pretty good. But in the city it just smells like horse shit.
--Horse carriages, Central Park South & 5th Ave
Man to his dog: Damn, nigga, you betta hurry up an' shit already. I got places to be!
--112th & Amsterdam
Hipster guy: The park is open for pooping!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: I went at home
Techie on cell: Yeah, you got it: I'm going to troubleshoot the crap out of it. Yeah, you heard me: troubleshoot the crap!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon
Dude: All the toilet paper in here is shitty!
--Duane Reade, 70th & Broadway
Overheard by: Yesenia
8-year-old girl: Let's play poo-poo!
--Green St, Greenpoint
Overheard by: twelvis
Wednesday One-Liners Are What They Are By Virtue of Their Relationships
Girl: ...because I feel like we're going out. It's just that he won't call me.
--Dunkin' Donuts, E 14th St
Overheard by: MK
Homegirl to boyfriend: No, no, that's not what I said, that's what you heard.
--1st & Ave B
Overheard by: Mollena
Girl: In the last few years, every time I go away to Paris with someone, I end up breaking up with them.
--San Loco, 7th St & 2nd Ave
B&T girl #1 to B&T girl #2: If you lived in NYC, you'd totally find a boyfriend. You totally, totally would.
--LIRR to Penn Station
Overheard by: Pia Peanutbuttas
Sassy chick: I was having a glass of wine with him, and he didn't have anything to say to me. So I licked his ear.
--Harlem
Overheard by: McN
Shrewd observer: That's not dating. It's called being on parole.
--West Building, Hunter College
Woman on cell: Well, I happen to like our Goddamn relationship, thank you very much!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Mike
Wednesday One-Liners Mention the Unmentionables
Man, pointing at window display: That'll make a nice gift for the wife: a pair of underwear that say "SALE" across the ass. Classy.
--Outside Victoria's Secret, Herald Square
Overheard by: sean
Hipster chick: Quite frankly I'd rather wash all my bras tonight.
--F train
Overheard by: braincurve
Woman to five elderly ladies: All right, ladies, put your underwear on and let's go.
--L&B Spumoni Gardens, 86th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Chick on cell: So how long did it take the four of you to find your bra the next morning?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Jess is hot.
Girl on cell: I am so not letting my underwear go on a date with his underwear.
--Prince & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Fries With That
Very large man, pointing at a McDonald's: Where were you last night at 3 a.m. when I was craving you?
--49th & 9th
Man wearing an "I Heart My Heart" shirt, to guy eating fast food: You're just aching for that heart attack, aren't you?
--46th & Broadway
Angry burger flipper: Making Big Macs is complex. It's 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...And then it gets even more confusing, 'cause people all have their special requests, like no special sauce. And that just throws shit off. The Whopper is so easy. It don't have shit on us.
--M11 bus
Asian girl, screaming into cell: I said, "Quiero Taco Bell!"
--33rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Kelsey
Foreign tourist to cabbie: How much to go to K...F...C?
--Broadway between 38th & 39th
Overheard by: Gregorio
Wednesday One-Liners Have Gender Trouble
Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too...You've met Carla...You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis.
--77th & 2nd
Overheard by: Joseph
Considerate guy: Hey, man, don't burst his bubble. If it ain't a man, it ain't a man.
--Outside 10th Precinct, W 20th St
Voice on intercom: Sir, that's the women's restroom. Sir...Sir...Stop!
--Times Square
Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs.
--F train
Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you're the prettiest man I've ever seen.
--Women's bathroom, Saloon, 83rd & York
Overheard by: Aaron
Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who's he supposed to be?
--Circle Line
Overheard by: emily
Young guy: ...so, technically, I'm lactating. Technically.
--Central Park
Wednesday One-Liners Burn, Baby, Burn
Queer: Hanging out with him is like doing charity work.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: J. Ann
Ghetto girl to thug: You can't touch this. Keep reminiscin', mothafucka.
--106th & Columbus
Overheard by: Shmoop
Guy on cell: I'll be real with you, man. I know more than you. I know a lot more than you.
--17th & 5th
Altruist: He's really nice so I just fake it sometimes.
--Elevator, 120 Wall St
Overheard by: Aubrie
Teen girl: She did what? Oh my God, she is, like, so off my top 8.
--1 train
Queer: Well, I do like the person you want to be.
--Washington & Charles
Loud chick: Who knows how he lucked out into marrying her? I'm just always thinking, lady, you are hot, and yet you married an Ewok.
--Starbucks, 71st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
The Delis Are Going to Have to Start Selling Matzoh-Ball Soup
Black guy #1, noticing white guy walking down the street: Aw, man!
Black guy #2: There goes the neighborhood.
White guy: This is the cheapest rent in the city. You better believe my people are going to start moving here.
--Franklin Ave, Brooklyn
If She Doesn't Put 'Mexican' in the Thesis Title, They Take Her Grant Money Away
Dental hygienist: What is your dissertation going to be on?
Grad student: The cultural barriers to health care for Mexican-born migrant farm workers.
Dental hygienist: How about the cultural barriers to health care for German-American dental hygienists with $2,500 deductables, instead?
--Hunter College
In Some Cultures, the Mother Rewards the Son on a Load-by-Load Basis
Little Asian boy: Guess what? I did it twice already this morning.
Mom: Did what?
Little Asian boy: Touch myself!
--Uptown M104 bus
Overheard by: Barry P.
Apocalypse Now Had an Unwholesome Effect on Jared
Guy: Wow, a head on a stick! That's so cute.
Girl: We should soo take a picture with it.
--Museum of Natural History
What If I Get a Long Identifying Number on My Forearm?
Guy: So you don't think neck tattoos are sexy?
Girl: No.
Guy: What do they make you think of?
Girl: Prison.
Guy: What if I get my name in Hebrew?
Girl: Jewish prison.
--10th & Ave B
Overheard by: Trying not to laugh
But Do They Message You the Morning After?
Engineer #1: I would poke her, man. I would poke the life out of her.
Engineer #2: I have poked her. I have poked the life out of her.
Girl, walking by: Look, you two need to get laid. Facebook means nothing to us girls; we get a billion pokes a day.
--Brooklyn Polytechnic Institute
As Long as She Pronounces That Second 'R,' Everything Should Be Fine
Mother to two children: Okay, time to leave.
Little girl, trying to push her way through as her brother holds the door closed: Daaaaviiiiid!
Mother to black security guard: I guess that's just a brother for you.
Security guard looks uncomfortable.
Mother, quickly: I mean, that's just a brother's job, right?
--Bergdorf Goodman, 5th Ave
Overheard by: vivienne
Wednesday One-Liners Think 'Un' Is Also a Kind of Faithful
Ghetto guy: She know she got a man, but she'll still gimme some. She know that!
--7 train
Young woman, screaming at young man: I dare you to fuck someone else again! I dare you!... You better not fuck anyone else! You better not!
--Hoyt-Schermerhorn station, Brooklyn
Queer on cell: Since when has your gaping hole decided to be faithful to your boyfriend?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Keith
Walking VD: When I first met you seven months ago I was kinda in another relationship. But now that that's over, wanna get back in bed?
--32nd & 7th
Cop: So I'm fucking his wife for 6 years, and now he complains!
--238th & Broadway
Overheard by: Miriam
When Publicists Get Into the Catnip
Mandy Moore: So, what's the plan for the party?
Publicist: So, I was thinking, you show up at the party, right? And they check your name or whatever, and then, get this, a clown escorts you to your table.
Mandy Moore: A clown?
Publicist: I know, right?
--Elevator, The Archive Building, Greenwich & Christopher
She Got an MFA in Stripping
Girlfriend: Hey, there's a Juilliard School in New York? I didn't know that! There's a Juilliard in Boston. It's a music school.
Boyfriend: I don't think there's a Juilliard in Boston.
Girlfriend: Yes, there is! I went to it! The New York one must be, like, a branch of the Boston one. Like Penn State in New York or Ohio, or whatever.
--A train, 168th St
Overheard by: Girl in Juilliard T-Shirt
Probably a Sufficient Interim Explanation
Man to wife: ...and I said, "What are you: a crackhead?!"
Young daughter: What's a crackhead, Daddy?
Man: It's someone that slipped and cracked their head.
Strung-out hobo walks by, asking for change.
Man: See, honey. He's a crackhead.
--E Fordham Rd & Lorillard Pl, the Bronx
Orthodox Mormons Have All the Fun
Guy on cell: Hello?...What do you mean you have bad news?...You're pregnant? How could you be pregnant?...I thought you were on the Pill? How did this happen?!...I just got engaged to your sister on the 4th of July...This is really bad news...How long have you known?...A week?! Why did you wait a week to tell me?...Your sister is going to go through the roof...No, she doesn't come back until Monday...So, I'll see you tonight?...I told you, I just got engaged to your sister. You can't be pregnant...Okay, have a good afternoon.
He makes another call.
Guy on cell: Hey...You know Claire*?...Yeah, Lauren's* sister...Yeah, the hot one...Well, she's pregnant...Me!
--46th between 5th & 6th
And Their Sideways Pussies
Mother: See, it says these are endangered deer from China.
Tween daughter: I guess they are from China. Look at their slanty eyes!
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Nina Drummond
The Cuss-Faucet Continues to Drip After You Turn It Off
Woman #1: I don't care what kinda shit he was talkin' about. That motherfucker was out of his mind!
Woman #2, motioning to small children nearby: Stop cursing.
Woman #1: Oh shit, I'm sorry.
--34th St N/R platform
Overheard by: jazzystar69
And Take it From me, Comedy Shows Are No Fun!
Comedy show ticket hawker: Hey, come to a comedy show. It will be fun! C'mon!
Gary Gulman: Dude, I'm Gary Gulman!
--Outside IFC Center, 6th Ave
'Summer Lovin' / Got me Some Sca-aat'
Teenager #1: Guess I'll have a little summer romance.
Teenager #2: Isn't she, like, 30?
Teenager #1: No, more like 19 going on 20.
Teenager #2: Oh.
Teenager #1: I guess I'll go take a dump.
--M11 bus
Overheard by: EriBerryPie
Starbucks: Where Six of One is Not a Half-Dozen of the Other
Employee: Ma'am, can I help you?
Woman: I'd like a half dozen of your chocolate chip cookies.
Employee: We only sell them, like, 1, 2, 3...
Woman to friend: Is she serious?
Friend: She'll take 6.
--Starbucks, Rockefeller Center Concourse
Like They're Afraid of a Crime Happening in a Primarily Black Neighborhood or Something
Black teen hipster #1: Why are there so many white people on the 2 train this late at night?
Black teen hipster #2: Please. All these white people are getting off at 96th Street.
Train stops at 96th. The white people leave the train.
Black Teen Hipster #2: Watch 'em all scamper away!
--2 train
Why Natives and Tourists Rarely Marry
Woman: This book I'm reading says that string theory could verify how the world began!
Guy: Hello! We know how the world began. I've got a book you should borrow; it's called the Bible.
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Unless You Brought Enough Pussy For Everyone, You're Going to Have to Spit That Out
RA: No sex in the dorms after curfew!
Girl #1: But what about lesbian sex?
RA: Well, that's okay, but not in the common room. Unless everyone's involved. Then it's okay.
Girl #2: And clean up after yourselves!
--Columbia University
Alanis: 'No One Knows What That Word Means Anymore'
Guy: I don't think you need to tell him. It's like if he was hit by a car, he'd know he was hit. He wouldn't need someone to tell him.
Girl: Yeah, but he said it was "ironically," so I don't think he knows what happened yet.
Guy: What the fuck does that mean?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Videodrew
Then You're Ready for Dianetics
Two girls are looking at Bibles.
Girl #1: There are so many.
Girl #2: Get a smaller one.
Girl #1: I don't really care how big it is.
Girl #2: The small ones are cute.
Girl #1: I don't care. I just want it to be a good story, ya know?
Girl #2: I don't even know what I believe anymore.
--Barnes & Noble, 86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Shannon
Wednesday One-Liners Built the Tower of Babel
Guy: Hey! Where's my Sudanese pussy from Chinatown?
--14th & University
Guy on cell: I'll meet you at the corner by the store with Chinese writing...Hey, wait a minute. All the fucking signs around here have Chinese writing.
--Walker & Lafayette
Overheard by: Wolf
Guy on cell: So, if this is true, then Dracula's native language would be Hungarian rather than Romanian. And I think that is important for my research.
--Anthology Film Archives, 2nd St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: nosy cinephile
Teen girl: This bag is mad Aztec.
--13th & University
Co-Worker: So, did she mention anything about Mexicans?
--Office, W 36th St
Overheard by: Evan
Well-Traveled girl: Mexico is not a Third-World country. JFK is.
--Tea Lounge, Park Slope
Small child: Mommy, look! You can tell he's Mexican by his eyes!
--Bodies exhibit, South Street Seaport
White girl, to Asian girl: So wait, is he just not Japanese or not interested?
--Walgreens, Union Square
Overheard by: Goldie
Businesswoman: Well you can't kill a Vietnamese man because that would just cost too much.
--I Trulli restaurant, E 27th St
Hobo: You're not Polish; you just think you're Polish!
--Tompkins Square Park
Voice over intercom: Will the foreign exchange student please come to the cashier.
--Century 21
Sassy chick: I can't believe she's moving to fucking Cambodia to live with a fucking cricket-hunter she's only known for two months!
--TGI Friday's, 52nd & 7th
Overheard by: Shaina
Might Be the Only Exciting Thing About Jessica
Queer #1: Whatcha reading?
Queer #2: Jessica Simpson's suing someone.
Queer #3: Let me see.
Queer #2 passes over a folder.
Queer #1: What? No pictures?
Queer #2: It's a lawsuit; there are no pictures in a lawsuit.
--Hampton Jitney
Overheard by: Todd
Oh, Just Like You Bringing Me to Orgasm?
Texan mom: It says here that the French gave this statue as a gift.
Texan dad: Ain't no way France coulda sent that. They ain't got no boat big enough.
Texan mom: But it says here...
Texan dad: Ain't possible means ain't possible. Gittit?
--Liberty Island
Overheard by: Colman
Witty Repartee Is One of the First Things to Go When the Brain Doesn't Get Enough Glucose
Anorexic JAP: What, you couldn't afford an entire outfit?
Obese woman in Britney Spears get-up: What, bitch, you couldn't afford an entire meal?
Anorexic JAP: [silence]
--Uptown E train
He Was Still Struggling to Follow These Instructions When the Police Arrived
Guy: How do you get to Astor Place?
Old man: You go up 2 blocks, make a left, then go fuck yourself.
--10th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: andy
The Only Thing Grosser Than Misogyny? Cellulite.
Guy: He was like, "My girlfriend gained all this weight, and that's why I left her," and all of the girls were like, "Gasp! You monster!" And then he was like, "But it was, like, 95 pounds!" and all of the girls were like, "Gasp! Eww! Gross!"
--Party, 16th & 1st
Wednesday One-Liners Still Can't Get Over Joey Picking Pacey (That Dumb Bitch)
Girl on cell: We got Chinese cable because it was cheaper than the cheap cable...Yeah, it's all in Chinese...Whatever. As long as I watch things that I've already seen, I don't need to actually know what they're saying.
--N train, Astoria
Queer, on cell: Have you seen Victoria's boyfriend lately? He looks great. She's better than Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
--Eckerd, Astoria
Mother, to kids: Sorry we just missed the fireworks, guys. It's okay, though. I TiVoed it at home just in case.
--79th St entrance, FDR
Tourist, after eagerly struggling for camera air-time: You know what, Ma, I don't think we're gonna be able to watch this -- it only airs today.
--Taping of the Today Show, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Stephen and Allison
Girl: Well, today they had a woman who was born a man who married a man who was born a woman, so don't shit on Maury Povich!
--New York Public Library
Overheard by: Actually READING at the Library
Guy: Sweet Sixteen? That show makes me understand terrorism.
--114th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Keep Things on Track
Conductor: This is an express, uptown C train. You heard right: an express C train. Next stop: 125th Street. If you need local service on the Upper West Side, please transfer across the platform to the D, as in "Daddy done did it" or B, as in "bad boy Bobby Brown" train.
--C train, 59th St
Conductor: This is a Brooklyn bound B train. Like bitch.
--B train
Conductor: We are currently being held in the station because of some other A train fucking us all over.
--Uptown A train
Overheard by: la di da
Conductor: Never give up on life. Keep hope alive. This is 30th Avenue.
--N train, Astoria
Overheard by: trying to shake off a Red Lobster feast
Conductor: Thank you for riding the C train and remember: smile and the world smiles with you.
--C train
Overheard by: NYGirlieGirl
Conductor: You can switch to the A train across the platform. However, I would much rather you stay on this train.
--Downtown C train, 14th St
Overheard by: alxie
Conductor: This train is very crowded. If you cannot fit, please step back and wait for the next train. If you manage to get onto this very crowded train, look at the person next to you and tell them, "Howdy!"
--Queens bound F train
Conductor: Step in and stand clear of the good news.
--F train, 34th St
Overheard by: prairiesquid
Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the mobile sauna bath.
--A train
Overheard by: english dude
Conductor: This is 175th Street. This is an A train to...This is an A train to... to nothing! Hey, does anyone know where we're going?
--A train, 175th St
Overheard by: Brown Eyed Girl
Conductor: All right, there's a 3 train across the platform. Hurry up and make your connection, people. Get to steppin', get to steppin'!
--1 train, Times Square
Conductor, angrily: Yo, stand clear o' the closing doors o' my choo-choo!
--PATH train
Manners Third
'That Guy', after proposing during the game, is standing and hugging his fiancee.
Yankee fan: What are we doing, playing baseball or getting married? Yankees first, wife second! Now sit the fuck down.
--Section 18, Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Lindsay
She Was Planning on Bermuda, But We Switched Her Plane Ticket
Young woman #1: So my mother-in-law is in Israel now.
Young woman #2: Oh. That really sucks. Bad timing, huh?
Young woman #1: No, I would say it's perfect timing. I don't want her to come back.
Young woman #2: True.
--23rd & 2nd
Overheard by: Stephanie
But Then What Will He Use as a Toilet?
Hobo: Can you spare some change for the homeless?
Drunk girl: Yeah, right. Sell that backpack first.
--4th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andrew Schulte
We Can Get Those Two Chicks. They Seemed Interested in Some Hot Dogs and Beer.
Bus driver stops in the middle of the street, opens the door, and yells out: Hey! I called you last night, why you didn't answer? Yeah, I'm working now...What you doing this weekend? Wanna go fishing? Let's do barbeque. What? Yeah, yeah, man, let's get some barbeque going. Okay, I have to work now. I'll call you later tonight.
--Bell Boulevard, Queens
Yes, Jessica, the Ones From the Sea
Girl #1: That falafel was super good! What's it made out of?
Girl #2: Chickpeas.
Girl #1: Oh. You mean, like, from chickens?
--East Village
Overheard by: S.
So You Can't Even Tell Them From Americans Anymore
Teenage girl: I really admire immigrants...even though most of them are criminals.
--Times Square
Overheard by: intern
It's Actually a Great Way to Put Off Orgasm...Unless You're a Baldwin
Queer: Is it wrong to think of my brother while I'm getting fucked in the ass?
Girl: Oh my god, I thought I was the only freak that thought that!
--Times Square
Overheard by: eavesdropper
Coming Up Next on This Is Your Life, Pauly Shore's Parents Discuss His Birth
Thug: ...'cause most doctors will tell you, most doctors will actually tell you that a little marijuana is good for the baby.
Pregnant girlfriend: Really?
--14th St
Overheard by: Rationalization Whiplash
She Means the Middle East of Central Europe
Girl #1: Yo, all these places are Greek. Owned by people who are Greek, ya know?
Girl #2: That means they're from the Middle East, right? Like Yugoslavia and shit.
--28th & Steinway, Astoria
Overheard by: Gregorio
Always Playin' the Blister Card
Drunk hobo: You are so fucking beautiful. I am in love with you. Please let me give you a hug.
Girl #1: Please, no.
Drunk hobo: Why all you white girls hate on black people? We not all that bad.
Girl #2: It's not because you're black. It's because you're covered with open sores and blisters.
--Manhattan bound L train
Overheard by: Far
Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Big-Boned
Chick: Then he peer-pressured me into being morbidly obese!
--1 train
Girl on cell: Nothing's bigger than Oprah, not even my mother's ass!
--Ocean Pkwy and Neptune Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Dude with flyers: New York Sports Club! Only 37 dollars! Get yo' fat ass to the gym!
--Court & Joralemon, Brooklyn
Overheard by: elwood
Little boy: Mommy, I'm sick of all the fat girls in Coney Island.
--Queens Center Mall
Walking VD: It's not cheating if she's fat.
--Outside Jugo Juice, Times Square
Teen girl on cell: Ugh, great. Now she's just going to make fun of me because I'm short and fat! Oh my God!
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: Melissa
Which, Luckily, is Self-Propelled, as Seen in Ghostbusters 2
Woman, talking about the Italian feast in Williamsburg: And they have games and rides and food. And at the end of the week they get strong men together to carry the statue.
Tourist: The Statue of Liberty?
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: just the driver
We're a Sodomite Youth Group
Woman: My name is Mrs. Williams*, and I am selling stuffed animals for the Happy Family organization. We believe in the sanctity of family and abstinence before marriage.
Queer: You're talking to the wrong people.
Woman: Oh, you're college students. I thought you were a Christian youth group or something.
--23rd & 5th
Overheard by: Brian R
To Be Fair, She's Really More Of a Cyborg
20-Something #1: My roommate was this die-hard Christian.
20-Something #2: Born again?
20-Something #1: No, just regular.
20-Something #2: What's the difference?
Pause.
20-Something #1: I don't really know.
20-Something #2: My first roommate was, too. She liked this one lady, Joyce Meyers.
20-Something #1: I didn't know that women could be priestesses in the Catholic religion.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: jtango
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Good Source of Protein
Little boy, to passerby: That's why I ejaculated in your mom's nose!
--Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Chick: See, I don't like the idea of drinking semen not directly from the cock.
--Harlem
Overheard by: McN
Slutty, With a Chance of Late Afternoon Whores
Suit #1, leaving: Nice out?
Suit #2, entering: Hot n' humid!
Suit #1: Lots of sluts?
--Office building, 6th Ave
Overheard by: Non suit
But We Could Have a Threesome
Guy: I'm in love!
Girl: Awwww.
Guy: With marijuana.
Girl: Oh.
--18th & 10th
Overheard by: John K
And Totally Ignores Your Tits
Girl: You know what I hate? When you hold the door open for a blind person and he looks right at you and says, "Thank you."
--Duane Reade, 88th & Broadway
Overheard by: amanda fox
Getting a Little on the Side
South Bronx gangster #1: Yo, damn, look at that Asian girl, son!
South Bronx gangster #2: You ever been with an Asian girl?
Gangster #1: Nah, son, you?
Gangster #2: Nah, yo, but I heard them pussies is sideways!
Gangster #1: What?! Sideways?!
Gangster #2: Yeah, son, sideways. They pussies is siiiideways!
Gangster #1: Shit, I gotta try and get with one now.
--the Bronx
Overheard by: Scullface
You Remember Mike, My Great Dane
Guy #1: Well, Mike was the one that got us into bestiality.
Guy #2: Right.
--23rd between 8th & 9th
Overheard by: James R
Wednesday One-Liners: Cha-ching!
Guy on cell: Don't play games with me or I'll break your fuckin' nose. Have you got the money? Where's the fuckin' money?
--47th & 5th
Overheard by: Adam Bertocci
Ghetto kid on cell: Yo, yo, you don't want to play football? ...Right, right, so just when you tackle them, put your hand in their pockets and take their money!
--M14 bus
Hobo: God, lady, I'm not asking for a million dollars; I'm just asking for some change!
--14th between 5th & University
Overheard by: theNJl
Biker dude: She's a shrink and a psychiatrist, so you know she's rollin' in money.
--Starbucks, 27th & Park
Overheard by: Brawny McBrawnerson
He Only Hung Up On Me Once
Girl: So why did you hang up on me twice?
Guy: Why did you sleep with him last night?
--Forest Hills, Queens
Another Teen Emergency. Call the Ambivalence.
Girl: I was like, "High school is over. I can't wait to get away from everyone!" And then, thanks to you, I actually realized that I might miss some people. You, James*, Gabrielle*, Dave V.*, Karen G.*!
Guy: But all of us except James are going to St. John's, and he's coming here to Queens.
Girl: But Gabrielle is going to Jersey! Everyone knows that once you go to Jersey, your soul dies.
--Queens College campus
Overheard by: Peter G.
Telltale Sign of a Bad Boob Job
Suit #1: It just feels...weird.
Suit #2: Spongy.
Suit #1: Yeah.
--19th & 5th
Overheard by: I don't even want to know
If I Were Adam Sandler I Would Have Asked Satan for My Soul Back Circa Mr. Deeds
Man: Wow, you're here already? That was quick.
Woman: Yeah, if I was Adam Sandler I would have said, "That was click!"
--West 44th St
Overheard by: Tomer Langberg
'...A Nation Where They Will Not be Judged by the Color of Their Skin, But by the Blood Alcohol Content of Their Character'
Drunk girl, to owner of pizza place: Hasta mañana!
Drunk guy: That's not Italian!
Drunk girl: He's not Italian, he's Greek! He speaks Yiddish and Greek!
--30th & 3rd
I Get a Helmeting for Each Party I Refer to Them
Six young guys are trying to check into the Hotel Chelsea late on Saturday night of Pride Weekend.
Desk clerk: Two beds for four men, not six! Not six men for two beds. [Pause] That's a different hotel!
--Hotel Chelsea, W. 23rd St
Wednesday One-Liners Give Backhanded Compliments
Guy, to girl: Smart girls are never pretty. That's why you're a dumbass.
--Union Turnpike station platform
Overheard by: Erna
Hobo: Ain't no good here, only cheap. Cheap, cheap, and very cheap. And very beautiful.
--L train, Bedford Ave station
Wednesday One-Liners Missed the Pride Parade
Bartender: I have absolutely no desire to go to work and make ginger cosmos for a bunch of proud gays.
--Montague & Henry
Foreign guy: He's not gay. He's almost gay. He spends most of his time with a lot of gay actors. But he's not really gay.
--Stairs of the Met
Overheard by: wankerbob
Wednesday One-Liners Rise from the Dead
Guy on cell: And you got the vampires from where?
--21st & 9th
Rich young woman: She's a big-time lawyer. You wouldn't know her name or anything, but she's got an office in Rochester, and one in the Twin Towers.
--Metro-North train, Grand Central
Like the One From That Spanking Movie
Girlfriend: I just don't know what else I'd do for a career. I don't know how to do anything else.
Boyfriend: That's silly. You'd be a great secretary!
[Pause]
Boyfriend: What? I mean like a high powered executive secretary.
--1st & 1st
That Explains the Boots but Not the Crop
College girl: Oh. Did you use to ride horses as a kid?
Jappy guy: No. I'm just rich
--12th & 5th
Overheard by: Mehler
Now We Understand Her Choice of Boyfriends
Girl on cell: Oh my god, I've been having the shittiest day today. No, it has nothing to do with our conversation this morning. Listen, believe it or not, I can have a shitty day that has nothing to do with you...Ugh, I have no idea why I called you. [hangs up] My fucking dad. I can't even get a sympathy "it's all rainbows and bunnies" phone-hug from him!
--Union Square W & 15th
Overheard by: someone who knows how she feels
Wow, the Guy from the Romance Novels!
Kid behind a guy in a Fubu jersey: Dad, who's Fubu?
Dad: That's the guy's name, son
--Penn Station
Wednesday One-liners Are a Matter of Opinion
Ethan Hawke: Man, everybody's fat.
--Employees Only, Hudson St
Overheard by: molly
Guy on cell: But you're not fat in America!
--Ozzie's Coffee III, 5th Ave, Park Slope
It's Just Like the Old Days
Man #1: Man, all these stabbings and killings, man.
Man #2: Yeah.
Man #1: But you know, that's every summer.
--Myrtle & Marcy, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Brendan Rogak
That's Going to Be Great Advice in Kindergarten
Little kid: Mommy...Mommmmmyyyyyy! I have got to poop!
Mom: Would you please just crap in your pants and quit screaming about it already!
--9th between 1st & A
Overheard by: Katie
I Missed My Stop Again?
Tourist #1: Wait, where are we?
Skater kid: Fuckin' Earth man, fucking Earth.
Tourist #2: Wait, where?
--Bethesda Fountain, Central Park
Why Lindsay Lohan Wears Yellow on Dates
Russian driver: I don't know, she stop right in front of me.
Cop: She just slammed on the brakes? Why did she do that?
Russian driver: I don't know, light was yellow. You know, green is go, red is stop, yellow is go faster.
Cop: Sure, absolutely.
--21st Ave & 77th St, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Joel
They Don't Have Delivery on Her Planet
Woman: Damn, that Mexican is hungry.
Mexican with 10 bags: I'm the delivery boy, you dumb fuck.
--100th & Broadway
Overheard by: robby b
Must Be Last Comic Standing Season
Guy #1: Hey. Is it hailing out?
Guy #2: Hail yeah!
Silence for a few seconds.
Guy #2: I said...
Guy #1: I heard you. Shut up.
--Joe's Pizza, Carmine & 6th Ave
Overheard by: james clunie
It's So Sad About Her Gambling Problem
Guy #1: I got a letter from Rosalyn & Jimmy Carter.
Guy #2: Oh really? How are they doing?
Guy #1: Good, they want money.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: Carl
Those Guys Take Forever in There
Girl: Where's the bathroom?
She tries to open the door to the conductor's box.
Girl: Who's in there? I have to use the bathroom!
--1 train uptown
Overheard by: jonathan renshon
But Bow Ties Are Back
Thug #1: Yo nigga, what are they wearing in the hood these days?
Thug #2: Nigga, white on white is out!
--Outside Kenneth Cole, 5th & 17th
He'll Need The Club Tonight
Asian guy: Teddy Roosevelt, there was a man. Out of the days when men could club women over the head and drag them off.
Asian chick: Hmm.
Asian guy: What I'm saying is -- my thesis is -- the position I'm taking is -- the argument I'm making is -- there's never been a successful matriarchal society.
Asian chick: Hmm.
Asian guy: Byron "The Whizzer" White! He was a man. He could do it all. Feminism is bullshit. That's what I love about you. I can't talk like this around most girls.
Asian chick: Hmm.
--Tony's Di Napoli, 84th & 2nd
In the Event of a Crash, Your Date Doubles as a Flotation Device
Girl #1: Why don't you want to go to Chicago with him?
Girl #2: 'Cause he got man boobs.
--23rd St pier
Still Waiting on the Karaoke Night
Girl #1: Yeah, so lately I've been really getting into African click songs.
Girl #2: Please don't demonstrate.
--Grand Central Station, Dining Concourse
A Strike Is Just a Vacation with Jail Time
Woman on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there is an express bound...
[Long pause]
Woman on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there is an express bound Manhattan train...oh damnit.
[long pause]
Woman on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there is an express bound Manhattan train approaching Nevins Avenue.
Guy: It's Nevins Street, lady! The stop before that is Atlantic Avenue.
Lady: That person needs to go the fuck back on strike. She went 0 for fucking 3.
--Nevins Street station
Overheard by: Luke
I'm So Fast, They Call Me the Chrysler Building
Two male twins, dressed alike, in their 20s, address two female twins, dressed alike, in their 20s.
Male twins: Hey! Are you twins?! You twins?! That's great! We're twins too! Hey, we're twins too!
Female twins: Mmmhmm.
Male twins: You ain't twins! You lesbians! She look like she wanna get it on with you! You ain't twins! Hey, I'm just tryin' 'a help ya out! You ain't twins.
Female twins: [silence]
Male twins: I'm just tryin' a help you out! I have your best interest in mind! You ain't twins! Look! That one's that one's mother!
Female twins: We're twins. We are the same age.
Male twins: Then how come that one so much older than the other? You ain't twins! We twins! That's why we so tall! We the twin towers!
Female twins flee train.
--F train
If Your Finances Are in the Black
Chick: Why did you move my beverage to the floor?
Woman #1: You're not supposed to have drinks on the train. Especially not on the seats.
College chick: It's not going to spill. Are you a cop?
Woman #1: No, I'm a taxpayer.
Chick: So am I. I have rights, too.
Woman #1: Yeah, I'm a cop.
Woman #2: Can you be a taxpayer and a cop?
--1 train
The Wednesday One-liners K-Hole
Woman: Hey, so have you ever tried crack?
--78th & Madison
Overheard by: Andrew C
They Seemed So Happy at the Wedding
Conductor: Local, this is a 7 local. 33rd Street next.
Loudspeaker: Attention Flushing-bound 7 train. You are not a local. You are an express train. Your next stop is 61st-Woodside. Now let the people in and close your doors.
--Queensboro Plaza 7 station
Overheard by: and hearts semicolon
Until He Changed His Name at Tisch
Conductor: The man in the yellow hat, please get off the train. We
don't take passengers at Fordham.
Woman: Isn't that Curious George's owner?
--Metro-North
Wuxtry! Wednesday One-liners
Daily News guy: Osama Bin Laden in New York! Let's get him! Saddam Hussein has escaped!
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Marlon Disla
Nor Do the Dogs
Woman #1: It was so funny. I mean I was talking to the horse in English, and the horse didn't understand a fucking word I said.
Woman #2: It was a Spanish horse.
Woman #1: Even their dogs, they didn't understand English. I don't get that.
--QM2 bus
Overheard by: i'm mr.ed
I'm Thinking Bloody Marys
Girl #1: Oh my god, I totally shoudn't be out tonight. I totally look like I just had an abortion.
Girl #2: You look fine and you had an abortion like a month ago.
--Martini Red, Staten Island
He'd Been to a Bris in the Afternoon
Guy #1: So are you go to Ian's birthday dinner later?
Guy #2: Well, I've been trying to only eat one meal a day this past month, and I already ate one...so probably not.
--51st & 8th
Tell That to the First Catholic Chick
Girl #1: There are like, so many orthodox Jews at the law school. Why would they come to a Jesuit school if they're orthodox Jews?
Girl #2: Well, it's not like everyone else is Catholic.
Girl #1: But Jews are like the opposite of Catholics, they're, like, not even close.
Girl #2: You're a slut; that's not very Catholic.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: IDigGraves94
Throw Momma from the Train 2: The Kids
Dad: Don't wipe your hands on me! What's wrong with you? Megan's father only got 25 years after she went missing! And it's not like I'm in a rush to get home to your mother!
Little boy: What?
Dad: ...That was a messed-up thing to say, wasn't it?!
--L train
Dad: You see that? Isn't that beautiful?
Little boy: No. It's stupid.
Dad: Huh? Come here, sit down. Don't ever say something like that, okay? You know what happens when you say that's stupid?
He slaps him lightly on the wrists.
Dad: You don't want that, do you? Go look at it again and tell me what you see...Well, what do you see?...Is it beautiful?
Little boy: Yeah.
Dad: Okay.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: David D.
I've Heard of That Sorority
Chick #1: The ceremony is so long. They should just throw the diplomas off the stage into the audience.
Chick #2: Yeah, and if you don't catch one, sorry, you don't graduate.
Chick #1: So then the football team will actually graduate.
Chick #2: The receivers, anyway.
--Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
More Self-absorbed Than Helen Keller
Queer #1: What would happen if I suddenly went deaf?
Queer #2: You? It would take you a while to notice.
--7 train
When Assholes Share, It Tends to Get Dirty
Guy #1: Hey man, you got an extra cigarette?
Guy #2: This is my last one.
Guy #1: Then why can I see the pack sitting in your pocket? Fucking asshole! Fucking dirty selfish asshole.
--38th & 7th
Overheard by: Andrew Wilbur
The Psychic Already Knows
Girl: Oh my god, I have to tell you something but you cannot, absolutely tell anybody else! You swear?
Queer: Oh my god, yes. I promise it's just between you, my psychic and my shrink!
--50th & 9th
The Oldest Wednesday One-liners Profession
Crazy guy: Do you see what I put up with? That's it, it's over. We have not had sex in ten years. She says she don't need it...Then I have to sleep with nigger whores. That's right, Joan, I said it. I sleep with nigger whores, even some white whores. That's the only way I can get off now.
--Da Andrea, Hudson Street
Wednesday One-liners Are Upright Citizens
Suit on cell: Hey, yeah...Yeah, I just got back from 100 Centre Street. Yeah, Georgie Boy was drooling over counselor's dick...You know, Georgie Boy: Boy George...That's right, on his knees drooling over counselor's dick. Moron lives on Mulberry, right around the corner from 100 Centre Street. They found like six bags of blow, says lots of people stay there, not his, whatever. But he's shitting in his diaper...What?...Yeah, just six bags, whatever. But he's drooling over counselor's dick. I told him, "Don't worry Georgie Boy"--we only call him "Georgie Boy"--I told him, "Don't worry, you have a Jewish lawyer." Do you really want to blow me?...Huh? What?...No!
--Russian & Turkish Baths, East 10th Street
Overheard by: Trey Desolay
Wednesday One-liners Are Killer
Old lady: Where's the yellow incense for the dead people?
--Titan Foods, LIC
Overheard by: Evan C. Kirchmer
Call a Doctor, Wednesday One-liners!
Man: Yo, the other day I see the F arriving as I'm coming down the stairs so I run in, just making it in on time. I hold the door for this girl behind me but I slipped and her head got caught in the
closing door. She turned her head like The Exorcist and just looked at me for a second and then starting screaming. And then other people started screaming while I tried to open the doors again. The conductor finally opened up the doors and she stepped in...and stood right next to me...and stared at me until Roosevelt Island. I just got out there and waited for the next train.
--F train
Overheard by: Lee
Wednesday One-liners Are Ready for Valentine's
Yale guy on cell: Oh, you'll like this. So, I hooked up with this girl this weekend, and got a handjob from her...But, the thing is, she had one hand...No, she had an arm, just no hand. And she gave me a handjob. With the other one...I started laughing when she started giving me a handjob, because, well...Yeah. The irony of the whole thing...Yeah, but she was real hot...Huge boobs...I think I'm gonna try and hook up with her again and see if she'll rub my balls...Yeah, man, with the other one...The other...Yeah.
--Metro-North train
Overheard by: rDave
The Wednesday One-liners Method Acting Method
Matt Dillon: This theatre has awful feng shui.
--Union Square Regal Cinemas
Wednesday One-liners Could Use a Scrubbing
Vendor guy: I got so much dirt under my nails, you'd think I was a crackhead.
--Fulton Mall
Overheard by: Black Girl Superstar
Wednesday One-liners for Fashion Week
Crazy guy: It's the anniversary of the blue angora sweater!
--Pratt Library, Clinton Hill
Overheard by: Tara Topaz
Wednesday One-liners Like Cuckoo Clocks
Crazy guy: Pawns and shields. Pawns and shields and a meal ticket. That's all kids are good for.
--L train
Overheard by: Thomas Byrd
Wednesday One-liners Press the Fontanelle
Guy: ...and they'd been trying to get pregnant for a while. Like two years. And I just, I thought she had so much anxiety and that wasn't the right atmosphere to conceive. And so, I wrote them a song called "There's a Baby on the Way" and a few months later the whole family was together and they announced they were pregnant. And I told them that I'd written a song "There's a Baby on the Way" and that I'd written it June 10th. And she's like, "That's the day we found out." And my other friends in LA, they'd been trying and I played them the song and sure enough...
--Eat Gourmet Foods, Madison Avenue
Wednesday One-liners Could Use Some Color
Hipster guy: Two black guys fucking two white bitches on Martin Luther King day. That shit's trippy. I bet that was what that whole "I have a dream" shit was really about. The right to fuck white bitches.
--Starbucks, 28th & 3rd
God Tells Wednesday One-liners to Kill People
Teen girl: ...You know they didn't have guns back then...But if they did, Jesus would have shot them niggas.
--Williamsburg
When Did Porn Get So Complicated?
Girl: So wait, it's garlic that you use?
Guy: Yes, who heard of scaring them with bologna?
Girl: Wasn't it in that movie?...Oh wait, that was robots.
--Penn Station
Gap Kids?
Girl: The other day I saw a homeless guy masturbating in Union Square Park.
Guy: Well, where else was he going to do it?
--Third Avenue North Residence, 3rd Avenue
Just Don't Drive in Them, Honey
Girl #1: Did you see those other glasses I tried on?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: I looked like Amelia Earhart.
--Charlotte Russe, Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Andrea West
Hmm, Hadn't Thought of It That Way Before
Guy #1: Dude, all this Groundhog Day shit is bullshit. It is impossible for something to not have a shadow. All things that move have shadows. If it don't move, then it don't have a shadow. Groundhog Day is bullshit.
Guy #2: Dude, you're a dumbass. Only living things have shadows.
--5th Avenue & 9th Street
Overheard by: Kori Hensell
She Finds Out In Nine Months
Girl #1: So, I think I'm gonna name my kid Senator. Isn't that great? I'm going to name him Senator, but he won't have to ever aspire to anything. Imagine in, like, third grade: Senator Nelson!
Girl #2: Ha, ha! I think I want to name my kid Does.
Girl #1: Would you spell it D-o-e-s?
Girl #2: Yeah, totally. Isn't that a great name?
Girl #1: I'm going to have either a kid or a monkey named Chimapate.
--3rd & B
Overheard by: Jenya
Make Room for One More, Bronx Science
Little boy #1: Can I have that dinosaur?
Little boy #2: Only if you guess what number I have in my head, under 10, okay? Under 10!
Little boy #1: Eleven?
Little boy #2: No, under 10!
Little boy #1: A hundred?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: The Avalanches
Except for Sundays, That Old Lazy Bastard
Mom: It's not the holidays now.
Little girl: Why?
Mom: Holidays are only some of the time. The rest of the year, it's
just regular days.
Little girl: Why?
Mom: 'Cause that's how God made it.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Angry Atheist
I Think We Need a Translator
Queer: What's missionary?
Chick: Like regular.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Jess McGins
The Math, Not So Much
Drunk chick: We are in the business together, so you give me your project and I'll give you a fuck.
Guy: A fuck?
Drunk chick: Yeah, 'cause I love my job that much...I'm like, 130%...no, wait...140% into my work.
Guy: Really?
Drunk chick: Dude, I'm all about the art.
--Employees Only, Hudson Street
She Worked the INS in McDonaldland
Crazy lady: Yo! Uh...man!
Hot dog guy: Yes?
Crazy lady: Why aren't you serving me?
Hot dog guy: I just placed your order, ma'am.
Crazy lady: Well I used to work in immigration, so you best be doing that shit quick like right? Shit, I was immigration, okay? I know people, all right?
Hot dog guy: Like who?
Queer: Kenneth Cole?
Crazy lady: No! I know Diedre. Now don't be playing these crazy mindgames with me! I'm prepared. I have a gun.
Hot dog guy: That's very nice. That'll be 5.98 total, ma'am.
Crazy lady: Fuck you. I'm gone now. You can't see me!
Queer: Faggot, just go away.
--Papaya King, 86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Ben Bleiberg
Save That for the Model UN
Girl #1: Look at the clerk...You know what they say about Chinese
clerks...
Girl #2: Shh, Jord, let's not be racist in public.
--Blockbuster, 56th & 1st
He Thinks That Means a Blanket
Girl: Do you ever think about us? Like, how many more of us there are than of you?
Professor guy: Of course. That's why I always pack heat.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Jeff
That Depends on the Flavor
Guy #1: I think you just stepped in pee, there.
Guy #2: Ew.
Guy #1: I think it was human.
Guy #2: Ew. It was kind of greenish.
Guy #1: Maybe it was antifreeze. Don't lick your shoe or anything. Not that you should if it was pee, I mean.
--26th & 2nd
There Must Be a Good Book to Explain It
Crazy guy: Only God lives forever! You do not understand!
Drunk girl: Sir, would you like a balloon?
Crazy guy: Those balloons are beautiful. You keep them...Only God lives forever! You white people do not understand!
--N train
Overheard by: Lee
She Had a Case of the Sundaes
Guy #1: Yo, I can't believe that girl played you like that!
Guy #2: I know, I did everything for her.
Woman: Oh, no! Does somebody have a case of the Mondays?
Guy #2: Shut up, Miss Piggy.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: J. Hudson
Dad's Punches, Administered Twice Daily
Guy #1: She's so frazzled. You know she has ADD, right?
Guy #2: Who doesn't?
Guy #1: Well, she's on meds.
Guy #2: Yeah, but she takes the stuff I took when I was, like, 5.
--Sharaku, Stuyvesant Street
Overheard by: girlhattan
Or Worse, in the Next Book
Girl: We had this huge fight. It was awful. All the screaming and stuff and public.
Guy: Really? In the street and stuff?
Girl: Yeah. It's so embarassing.
Guy: Wow. You'll probably end up on that Overheard site.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Waiting in Line
They're Gonna Sue Mom for Alimony
Mom: How much is it?
Chick: A hundred and fifty bucks.
Mom: Let me pay.
Chick: Mom! No! Don't give me any goddamn money!
Mom: Here, just take it, dammit!
Chick: Fine, but I'm paying for the taxi home.
Mom: I can't believe Michael puts up with you. You are so divorced in
five years.
--The Gap, 18th & 5th
I Would Love to See Those Checks
Guy: So why don't you give it to a cause you believe in? What are you really into?
Girl: Chillin' hard.
Guy: Okay, so why don't you use it for studio time and then give the rest to a charity?
Girl: Well, I just figure when I get old and have schizophrenia and multiple sclerosis and Alzheimer's I can like afford to send myself to a really nice crazy hospital, you know?
Girl: Definitely.
--A train
The Cobblepot Estate Was Never Probated
Umbrella guy #1: Get your umbrellas! Don't get wet, get your umbrellas here!
Umbrella guy #2: Don't listen to that asshole, get your better umbrellas here!
--31st & Broadway
Overheard by: Dan & John
There's Just No Pleasing a Woman
Chick #1: Look, this one lights up and oh, there's a bunny on the
end.
Chick #2: In case the orgasm wasn't enough?
--Toys in Babeland, Mercer Street
They Should've Picked a Subtler Password
Girl #1: I like your pants.
Girl #2: Thanks.
Girl #1: You don't happen to have any percocets in them?
--Barnes and Noble ladies' room, 48th & 5th
Jacques Cousteau: Au contraire, tards.
Teen boy #1: Dude that sounds like someone trying to drown a dolphin.
Teen boy #2: Ha, ha, ha! Yo, they live in the water! They can't drown!
Teen boy #1: I know, that's why it's so fucked up!
--58th & Lexington
Overheard by: Max Melsenti
Can Anyone Spare Food or a Quarterback?
Hobo #1: Who's gonna win? Who's gonna win?
Hobo #2: I'll tell you who's gonna win. The Seattle Steelers.
--125th & Lexington
Overheard by: Mel
Just Don't Expect a Ride Home
Girl #1: No, dude, I'm telling you, all the men going to Paris right now are so gay.
Girl #2: Oh my god, that's so not true. Johnny Depp lives there. Totally not gay.
Girl #1: Yeah, I guess...
Girl #2: Trust me, you'll find someone to lose your virginity to there. I'm sure most of them are just, like, metro or bi, anyway.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Pam Jones
Try Ben & Jerry's Next Door
Guy: I need a cigarette...I need a cigarette...I need a cigarette!
Barista chick: Yeah, well I need a blunt but I can't get one right now!
--Starbucks, 95th & Broadway
Overheard by: Caro
He's Taking Over Howard Hughes' Old Job
Man: Hey, I finally got that promotion!
Woman: Oh my god, congratulations! High five!
Man: Don't touch me.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Aaliyah Leuschner
I'll Never Figure This Sudoku Out
Teen boy #1: Don't worry, I've been taking the 7 train since I was 5.
Teen boy #2: How old are you now?
Teen boy #1: 17.
Teen boy #2: So you've been taking the 7 train from...8 years ago?
Teen boy #1: Naw, man. 8 yrs ago I was 10.
--7 train
Overheard by: Jenn Hue
The Fragrance is Called Impending
Woman: Do you like the perfume I'm wearing?
Man: It smells like a sanitary napkin...Before it's used, of course.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Christina Rusnak
That's Kind of a Rhetorical Question
Guy #1: Hey. Do you want some blow?
Guy #2: Um, excuse me, but that's my dad.
Guy #1: Oh. Sorry...Whatever. I meant blowjob.
--Spirit, West 27th Street
Overheard by: e jack
More Like Extra--Whipped--Cream
Woman: We'll have the perfectly peanut butter sundae.
Store girl: Okay, sure.
Man: Come on, you know I fucking hate the taste of peanut butter!
Woman: Are you kidding me? I ate your jizz just a couple of hours ago, I think you eating the ice cream I want would be a decent fucking compromise!
Store girl: ...Um...Yeah, so...I'm taking that as extra peanut butter.
--Dylan's Candy Bar, 3rd Avenue
Send Your Ideas to Massengill
Girl #1: Holy shit! That guy just threw a slushie at the conductor.
Girl #2: That's like a felony, right?
Girl #1: Yeah, they should arrest that guy.
Girl #2: I can think of so many better things to do with a slushie.
--5 train
"...So I don't need a #2 pencil?"
Store girl: "Fraternity test"?
Store guy: I've been saying it that way all these years.
--K-mart, East 8th Street
No Steps, Either
Guy: Hey, have you ever been to Alcoholics Anonymous?
Girl: No, I've never been to a triple-A meeting.
Guy: No dumbass, it's AA for Alcoholics Anonymous.
Girl: Oh, yeah? Well what does AAA stand for?
Guy: Association...of...American...no, wait...Automobiles? Fuck, I don't know. It's for cars, stupid.
--E train
Overheard by: Dan & John
A guy walking down the steps slips but manages to catch himself.
Guy #2: Nice recovery.
Guy #1: Easier than rehab!
--22nd & 9th
Overheard by: Ari Fleischer
Go There and See
Dad: Do you guys want Turkish food for dinner?
Teen girl: Yeah, I'm down.
Dad: ...Is that good...or bad?
--83rd & Columbus
Overheard by: Sydney
Sadly, She's iLiterate
Teen boy: Didn't you know those iPod headphones are bad for you?
Teen girl: No, they're not.
Teen boy: Uh huh. Look in your manual. It says to throw them away as soon as you buy them.
--F train
Overheard by: sarah kauffman
The Cancer Has Claimed His Funny Bone
Guy hacks up a lung.
Girl: Are you a heavy smoker?
Guy: What do you mean by "heavy"?
Girl: Is smoking the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?
Guy: No, first, I cough. Then, I smoke.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: chrissy
There's an SAT Question Here Somewhere
Dude: Wait, who's Pete?
Chick: Pete's the guy who's sleeping with John's girlfriend.
Dude: Oh, right.
--Office, 48th & 6th
Overheard by: this guy
Guy #1: You mean the roommate who sleeps naked on the top bunk?
Guy #2: No, that's Bobby. I'm talking about Steve. He's the one who farts all the time.
Guy #1: My bad.
--81st & Broadway
Overheard by: Dr. X
Mustn't...Write..."Bitches"...Headline...
Guy #1: I shouldn't even pay rent in my house, I'm out so much. I should be homeless; I'm barely ever there.
Guy #2: You could live at the ASPCA!
Guy #1: Yeah, the ASPCA. It's a good place to live. My ex-girlfriends live there.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Staten Island
Overheard by: Barnaby McSwooptang
If You've Seen One Red State...
Man: All our stores are in the St. Louis area.
Woman: So all your stores are in Ohio?
--Javits Center
But All the Delivery Guys Are Over Here
Girl #1: You shouldn't waste all that food; there's people in countries like China who are starving and would love to eat that.
Girl #2: ...People in China don't starve; they have Chinese food there.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Carly
Nice is for France
Tourist lady: Um, I have a non-train related question.
MTA guy: What?
Tourist lady: Is there a nice place to get some coffee or tea around here?
MTA guy: Yeah, outside.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: rod vanderlaan
Announcement: Please be nice going on and off the escalators.
--Smith-9th Streets station
Overheard by: Fulcanelli
Girl #1: I don't understand why they gotta say "How you doin'" and "Have a nice day."
Girl #2: They're trying to be nice, stupid.
--KFC, 125th & 7th
Overheard by: Edwina P. Garza
The Brownshirts Bug Everyone
Guy #1: ...he always wears the cheapest clothes but always has the most expensive sneakers!
Guy #2: Yo, white people bug me. They always wear crappy clothes, they be wearing green shirts, brown shirts...
Girl: But they always have nice cars, houses, they go on nice vacations. I'd rather wear cheap clothes and have a nice house and go on nice vacations.
Guy #1: You're missing the point!
--N train
Overheard by: tanechka
That's the Part Who God Listens To
Teen girl #1: Cashmere is God's gift to the human race!
Teen girl #2: Well, the part of the human race that can afford it.
--Macy's, West 34th Street
Open-minded Racism is the Best Kind
Girl #1: Oh he's cute, I really like Arab guys.
Girl #2: He's Indian.
Girl #1: Whatever, I don't care.
--112th & Frederick Douglass
Overheard by: leila
Canadia's Much Closer
Girl: Where's the nearest Banana Republic?
Guy: Uh...Dominican Republic?
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: daniela
Because They Chose to Go to Boston
Tourist girl #1: Stop acting like a tourist!
Tourist girl #2: But I am a tourist!
Tourist girl #1: But it's embarrassing.
Tourist girl #2: If you're embarrassed over what a ton of people you've never seen before and never will see again think, you're never going to have any fun. Tourists are allowed to act like dorks.
Tourist girl #1: Then why do you make fun of tourists in Boston?
--Doubletree Metropolitan Hotel, Lexington Avenue
My Guess: Smothering the Elderly
Guy: Seriously, you have to be the most wonderful person in the world to do something like that.
Girl: Yeah, but it's still a felony!
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Julia Kite
World War II: Hey, what's up?
Hag: I can't imagine dropping off my brother at the airport all like, "I'm okay with never seeing you again 'cause you might die in battle."
Queer: Well, at least he gets a whore.
Hag: What?
Queer: 'Cause you know they get whores in wars.
Hag: What are you talking about?
Queer: Hello? World War II?
--Olive Garden, Times Square
Those Bastards Always Want to Know Things
Dude #1: What'd that guy want?
Dude #2: White guy wanted to know where the Kangol hat store was.
Dude #1: Him?
Dude #2: Yeah, must be from Jersey.
--Times Square
Overheard by: chris b.
"...What am I, a gymnast?"
Teen girl #1: He wanted to eat me out.
Teen girl #2: Really?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, he was like, "Bend over," and I was like, "No."
--1 train
The Bottom of His Class
Chick: I've already slept with 6 professors and it's only two weeks
into the semester.
Guy: Tell me about it. I slept with this one prof last night...he really taught me a thing or two.
--4th & Mercer
Overheard by: Timothy Leary
My Mother The Car Will Drive Us There
Guy: ...and then we'll go to Hell's Kitchen.
Girl: The TV show?
--23rd & 5th
Well, The Preppy Handbook is OOP
Bag lady: Girl, you be's so rich you got diamonds on yo' socks.
Chick: They're not diamonds, they're argyle.
--C train
The Traumatizing Origin of Blender Barbie
Mother: I'm pretty thirsty, honey. Are you thirsty?
Little girl: I'm not thirsty. I'm thirsty for toys!
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard in the Studio
Mark Riley: We only got two rubbers? What's up?
The Overheard staff was on Air America Radio to tape an interview. A cell phone goes off. Our publisher checks his. Our editor checks his. The producer and the sound guy look at theirs.
Mark Riley: Maybe it's mine. Oh shit, it's my wife!
He picks up.
Mark Riley on cell: ...We're filming I Love Lucy. What's the problem?
--Air America studios, 20th & 6th
Overheard by: Thanks for having us!
He Gives Great Presence
Girl #1: I mean, when you think about it, he's really not that good looking, and kind of an asshole. I don't even know why I'm so attracted to him.
Girl #2: Because he's here...and you're you.
--Starbucks, 45th & Lexington
Overheard by: Anne O.
That Can and Will Be Used Against Him
Crazy guy: I have fallen off the earth and been plastered to the moon! But I'm back.
Cellmate: Uh huh.
Crazy guy: It's hard to piss out your stomach when they're tracking
your shoes.
Cellmate: Yup.
--Central booking, Centre Street
Overheard by: the holding cell across from them
One to Spare
Man: Yeah, he broke his leg.
Woman: Oh, really? That's too bad.
Man: Oh, it's okay though, he broke both of them.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Christopher Benton
You Can Bid on eBaby
Grandma: Baby for sale! Baby for sale!
Dad: Ma, don't do that!
Grandma: What? They know it's a joke!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Tina L
Sir, Kim Cattrall is With Flaw
Guy #1: I met this girl, she was perfect.
Guy #2: Whaddya mean?
Guy #1: She was like a mannequin.
Guy #2: Interesting concept...
--77th & Lexington
Overheard by: Jules Cattie
All Driving Skills Improve (Try It!)
Girl: He gets it up, but he can't keep it up. He doesn't understand he's dating a Puerto Rican, he needs to keep it hard.
Guy: He's Irish. You have to understand he has to drink.
Girl: Actually when he drinks, it's better. His sex drive improves.
--The Village Tavern, Bedford Street
Wednesday One-liners Watch VH1
Drunk guy: You're not the boss of me...Bruce Springsteen is the boss of me.
--The Red Lion, Bleecker Street
Guy: Seriously. Puff's attorney called me the other day to say Puff wants me to sign a confidentiality agreement. Puff doesn't want me to disclose that he is the seller. I said to tell Puff that he's the one who has to sign a confidentiality agreement. If the boys at Goldman find out who I am buying from, my credibility is going to be shot forever.
--Anotheroom, West Broadway
Overheard by: Big Lex
Paralegal lady on phone: And I thought to myself, "She looks so familiar, who is she?" Queen Latifah's mother!...No, mangos.
--Office, 50th & 6th
Girl: Well, if he's cranking the bass on a Dixie Chicks song at 2AM on a Monday at a bear bar to sell beer to lesbians he has much bigger problems than he knows.
--The Dugout, Christopher Street
Chick: If we see Robbie Williams tonight, I'm gonna die.
--30th & Park
Hipster guy: Yeah and what's with Simon Cowell? That guy is like the Grinch Who Stole Everything Else.
--Abbey Bar, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Spyridon Panousopoulos
Guy: You know you have reached the lowest point of all human existence when there's a telethon featuring only John Denver music.
--2nd between A & B
Overheard by: djlindee
Guy: God, I love going to Galapagos. You always run into all the right people there. You know, all the people that you haven't seen since that last Yeah Yeah Yeahs show?
--L train
Overheard by: Shannon
Woman on cell: Remember that handsome lawyer who took me out to dinner the other night? Yeah, well, he gave me an STD. It reminded me of a song.
--14th & 6th
Professor guy: Billy Joel, wow. He's got about 10 shows coming up. I bet the stage production budget is through the roof. I'd drive a car onto stage...and smash it into a tree.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Woman: Brian Wilson beat me right the hell up right there; right the hell up!
--43rd between 8th & 9th
Overheard by: Ryan Duncan
Old woman: Oh, is Lil' Kim in jail?
--7th & Bleecker
Overheard by: Sarah Doogs
Dude: I was listening to a DMX record the other day, and if that
guy's telling the truth, he's lived quite a life.
--Gee Whiz Restaurant, Greenwich Street
Overheard by: Matthew Alhonte
Asian guy: The time has come fo' mad hip-hop.
--Go Sushi, St. Marks Place
Overheard by: Alyson Leigh
Crazy lady: Excuse me...Excuse me...Have you heard of a band called "The Diarrheas"? From Washington, DC! With Hillary and...Chuck! Like from Friday the 13th? Do you think they'll be successful?
--11th between 52nd & 53rd
Third floor window guy: Hey fuck you, I don't need you telling me that you are cooler than me, I saw the Ramones in '83!...Fuck you, your not cooler than me, I saw Fugazi's first show, I saw Minor Threat. What is your fucking claim to fame, seeing the White Stripes?
--Rivington & Stanton
There Goes the Lady Bic
White guy: So, do you have any plans for this evening?
Asian girl: Yeah, being angry!
White guy: Oh, that sounds good.
--Houston & 1st
Overheard by: Kristin
Don't Forget About Jack Bauer Power Hour
Guy #1: So this Jack guy is basically the luckiest man in the world.
Guy #2: Why, because he's survived like 5 attempts on his life and it's not even noon?
Guy #1: No; he could totally nail those two chicks.
--6 train
It's an Auditorium, Not a Nebula
Dad: Could you tell me where the auditorium is?
Security guy: It's on the second floor.
Dad: Wait, you mean it's actually in the building?
--Hunter College High School, 94th & Park
You Can't Trust Those Damn Slags
Girl: But, I mean, it's not like I ever plan on giving birth.
Guy: Well, if your mother gave birth, it's like your chances are good that you'll give birth too.
Girl: ...Uh, dude, your mother gave birth.
Guy: Absolutely.
--Park Slope
Guy #1: I don't mind getting old; I love getting old.
Guy #2: Yeah, just as long as you don't get pregnant.
--Grove & Bleecker
Eternal Silence is Eternal Consent
Chick: Are you saying you would have anal sex with my lifeless body?
Guy: No. No, I'm not. I'm insinuating it.
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
Awful Cold Out for Such Thin Skin
Hobo: Can you spare any change?
Man: Sorry, no.
Hobo: Who the hell you saying no to? I wasn't asking you anyway, asshole!
--106th & Broadway
Overheard by: Leonor M.
Burying People Often Causes Brain Damage
Hobo: Excuse me, this is a picture of my daughter Sofiya, she was in a fire recently and now she is brain damage can you spare some change so that we can give her a proper funeral? Anything will help, even a penny.
Man: Wait a minute! Is this the same daughter that was in a fire last summer? You mean to tell me you haven't buried her yet?
--4 train
Overheard by: Leslie DJ
Dude, It's 17 in New York
Guy: How old are you?
Hipster girl: You know, I never answer that question. Because to me, it's about how mature you are, you know? I mean, a fourteen year old could be more mature than a twenty-five year old, right? I'm sorry, I just never answer that question.
Guy: But, uh, you're older than eighteen, right?
Hipster girl: Oh, yeah.
--Knitting Factory, Leonard Street
Overheard by: Sarah Doogs
The Noid Has Gotten Much Subtler
Queer #1: What should I get? I'll have a falafel. Ha, ha!
Queer #2: I'll have one of these lamb slices.
Pizza guy: Eggplant.
Queer #2: No, one of these.
Pizza guy: That's eggplant.
Queer #2: Oh...Well, it looked like lamb.
Queer #1: I'm gonna throw caution to the wind and get a cheese slice.
Queer #3: That's not lamb. Maybe you should ask for a duck confit slice.
--Sal's, 7th & A
Overheard by: Domi
Hamas Has Won Here, Too
Man: Is this kosher?
Vendor guy: Um...there's kosher salt in the bacon.
--Union Square
Dude, Talk to Your Godfather
Man #1: Yo! You just picked your nose! You're not gonna wash your hands first?
Man #2: Why? It's not like I picked your nose.
--24 Prince, Prince Street
Overheard by: Steve D
I Knew a Girl Like That Once
Guy #1: You're the first person I've seen that washed their hands before going to the toilet.
Guy #2: My godfather was a doctor and he got it into my head at a young enough age that I had to always do it.
Guy #1: Really? He must have been a bit of a strange doctor.
Guy #2: Yeah...He specialized in infectious diseases.
--Milk and Honey bathroom, Eldridge Street
Take It Up with Saint Peter
Girl: Why do I have to die, why can't you die?
Guy: No.
Girl: Well...that's not fair.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Joe
The Most Beautiful Crabs in the World
Old man: You are the most beautiful woman in the world.
Girl: Aw, thanks!
Guy: She has crabs!
--Times Square 1/2/3 station
Overheard by: Meaghan Stefaniak
That's Because He Hadn't Found Jesus
Guy #1: What can I say? I'm a sucker for orphan stories.
Guy #2: Or something.
Guy #1: Think about it: I loved Lemony Snicket, Party of Five, Diff'rent Strokes, Star Wars.
Guy #2: Yeah. Wait. Luke wasn't an orphan.
Guy #1: Well, he sort of was, spiritually.
--34th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: cityhick
"Tell me you didn't fall asleep!"
Guy: I could be fired for 8 counts of sexual harassment last night.
Girl: Yeah, and that's just on me alone.
Guy: Oh man, really?
Girl: Yeah, but you bought me a drink, so it's okay.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Guys Like That Much More
Asian girl: I really like sleep sex.
White girl #1: What's that?
Asian girl: You know, when you're sleeping and you wake up and you're having sex. Sleep sex.
White girl #2: You mean getting raped?
--1st Avenue & 9th Street
"Sorry, I was thinking about my mistress."
Little boy: Dad, will you remember me tomorrow?
Dad: Of course.
Little boy: Will you remember me next week?
Dad: Yes.
Little boy: Next month?
Dad: Yup.
Little boy: Next year? Two years? Three years?
Dad. Yes, yes and yes.
Little boy: ...Knock, knock.
Dad: Who's there?
Little boy: Aw, man! You forgot me already!
--1 train
Overheard by: Kathleen
The Literal Opposite of "#1 Dad"
Guy #1: Bitches are all emotional, guys use their head. That is why I call emotional guys "bitches."
Guy #2: Word.
Guy #1: But bitches are crazy, they will call the cops on you now. They will slap themselves in the face and when the cops show up they will point at you.
Guy #2: Fo' sho'.
Guy #1: That is why I ain't got no kids. I don't want a bunch of my seed running around and people calling me a scumbag because I don't take care of my kids. Bitch will turn on you for that child support.
Guys #2: I know my girl ain't gonna be doing that because she know I'm only making minimum wage.
--1 train
If They're Gonna Clean, They're Gonna Clean Stool
Woman: I remember kindergarten. I got lots of candy and everyone wanted to play with me and I used to wet the bed a lot.
Man: You used to what?
Woman: I used to wet the bed. So they decided to move my bed farther away from the bathroom.
--Manhattan Diner, 77th & Broadway
The Writers Switched From Funny to Educational
Tween girl #1: I'm gonna call that number 1-800-DIVORCE. I want to divorce my parents.
Tween boy: You can't divorce your parents, stupid. Can you marry your parents? No!
Tween girl #1: Technically, technically you can but that's just sick.
Tween girl #2: You're not really divorcing your parents. It's more like they giving up they rights.
Tween girl #1: Look, I call it divorcing your parents because that's what they called it on The Simpsons so that's why I say it.
--Q train
Chuck E. Cheese Himself Had Syphilis
Queer #1: That used to be a fun place. Remember that backroom? That was a fun backroom!
Queer #2: Are you nuts? It was a nasty firetrap full of gropey old trolls, people came on me without my permission, and I had my wallet stolen!
Queer #1: True.
--20th & 6th
That's Some Serious Koan Shit
Woman: Hi!...Oh, I thought you were someone else.
Man: I am.
--52nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Mitch Mahan
The Opposition to the Burger Crown Meets
Indian mom: Eat your chicken.
Drunk Irishman: Ach, what nice bebbies. I have a child too.
Indian mom: That's nice.
Drunk Irishman: Just the one, though. The doctor told me wife, that's it. No more chidren for you.
Indian mom: I see.
Little girl: Grandma, who is that man?
Indian mom: I'm your mother, not your grandmother.
Drunk Irishman: Her boss made her lift a 500 pound piano all by her self. A tiny woman! A 500 pound piano!
Indian mom: I see.
Drunk Irishman: So no more children. And me one of nine, you know. Including the one deadborn one.
--Wendy's, Astoria
Overheard by: Loretta P.
Dynamism of a Foreskin is Unsettling
Girl: I think its a complete failure as an expression of ideology, but it is aesthetically pleasing.
Guy: What, circumcision?
Girl: No, Futurism.
--MoMA
Overheard by: Ian W.
A NSA Tattoo Works Wonders
Guy #1: So I had ex sex last night.
Guy #2: How was it?
Guy #1: Amazing as always, but now I'm fucked cause she's gonna start calling me again.
Guy #2: Imagine that, you sleep with someone and then they call you...Crazy.
--1 train
...And This is Your Brain on Sean Hannity
Tween girl: Why isn't she smiling?
Mom: Honey, the French gave her to us. Smiling is an American thing.
Dad: Listen to your mother, she knows a lot.
--Circle Line
A Rooster's Bitch, Probably
Girl: Whatever, tell your brother to go back to prison, learn how to read, and then he can talk to me.
Guy: But you egged his car! You egged his fucking car! What kind of bitch eggs someone's car?
--26th & 8th
Overheard by: Emily Ackerman
He Was Speaking to the Toilet
Drunk guy: You're the best lookin' thing in here.
Waitress: Number 1, I'm not a thing. Number 2, thanks!
--1849, Bleecker Street
Overheard by: Chumbodonk
Expropriated from the Black Man
Pizza guy: You can't get a slice, man. Your money is fake
Dude: My money is real. I get it at the bank. Straight from the white man.
--Broadway Pizza, 27th & Broadway
He Took Care of That Himself
HS girl #1: I saw on TV last night they were saying how you can bring people back from the dead.
HS girl #2: Uh, how dead?
HS girl #1: Like Hitler...
HS girl #3: That's crazy. I read the Bible. You can not bring people back from the dead.
HS girl #2: Fool, they brought Jesus back from the dead.
--Health Opportunities High School, South Bronx
"And have the same name as my sister?"
Chick #1: Girl, my feets is killin' me. I's goin' home, gettin' in bed, put on the TV. I'm done.
Chick #2: Change your name to Saran, 'cause it's a wrap.
--Times Square station
Just Rub the Big Toe
Girl #1: Your room always smells so good, like coconuts and coffee. It reminds me of the Caribbean. What kind of candles do you have?
Girl #2: That's not from a candle. The coconut is from the foot cream I use so my feet don't stink and the coffee smell is there because I spilled some on my carpet and never cleaned it up.
Girl #1: Oh...where can I get the foot cream, then?
--Starbucks, 17th & Broadway
It's Talk Radio, Live!
Bag lady: Could someone spare some change? My welfare was denied.
Crazy lady: Yeah, yeah, they denied mine the first time too. Get over it.
Man: Does anyone know how to get to--
Crazy lady: They aren't listening, they aren't going to talk to you. They can't talk. They are all mute.
--F train
"...Go stand by her, by the edge."
Asian chick: So that's it, then?
Asian guy: Yep.
Asian chick: We're breaking up, then?
Asian guy: Yep.
A few minutes pass.
Asian chick: Hey, you'd look good with that girl up there in the pink checked coat.
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Taffy Doublewide
Piccadilly Looks Different on TV
Tourist lady #1: Is this it?
Tourist lady #2: I think this is it.
Tourist lady #1: You'd think they'd have signs or something.
Tourist lady #2: Yeah, this must be it, though.
--Times Square
He Totally Got the Vanilla
Fratboy: This one is awesome. Chicks love it....or, um, dudes, if you're into that kind of thing.
Suit: I am, thank you.
Fratboy: Awesome. Good save, huh?
Suit: Yeah. Thanks for the recommendation.
Fratboy: Anytime.
--Vintage New York, 93rd & Broadway
Orange and Raspberry are Fruits, Too
Hobo #1: What flavors you got?
Clerk guy: We have regular, orange, raspberry, and vanilla.
Hobo #1: We'll take vanilla.
Hobo #2: Vanilla? What are you, gay?
--Nizga Liquors, Avenue A
Overheard by: A. Sterling
That Reminds Me; I Need to Get a Gun
Store girl: Here's your receipt and have a happy holiday!
Store guy: The holidays are over.
Store girl: Valentine's Day is coming up.
--Mazzone True Value Hardware, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Rob
Thug guy: Yo, happy New Year's, man.
Janitor guy: New Year's is over, yo.
Thug guy: Happy Mother's Day!
--Port Authority
Ran Out of Cheeks to Turn
God Squad man: Jesus saves! Books $1 only.
Guy: Fuck Jesus.
God Squad man: Fuck your mother...and your father. Jesus saves people. Books, $1.
--34th Street B/D/F/V/N/Q/R/W station
Overheard by: j-mo
It's Like Being in Subway Purgatory
Guy #1: We goin' uptown or downtown?
Guy #2: Nigga, we goin' sideways.
--L train
Girl: I went to Boston this weekend. Mostly just to avoid the L train.
--Williamsburg
Guy: I can't believe I was cockblocked by the L train.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Chelsea Miller
Beggars Can Be Choosers
Chick: Are you hungry? I have some leftover vietnamese food you can have.
Hobo: Well, what is it? I'm religious. I don't eat pork.
Chick: There's no pork. It's just vegetarian noodles.
Hobo: Noodles? Nah, I'm trying to cut back on carbs.
--Grand Central food court
The Plus is They Look Shaved
Lady cop: Did you hear about that handyman in the Long Island school who was videotaping the little girls?
Cop guy #1: Yeah, he's a sick fuck!
Cop guy #2: Yeah, sick fuck! They're little girls, it's not like you can see anything good!
--108th Precinct, Sunnyside
He Couldn't Step
Hipster guy: I need a woman to love me so I can alienate her. The love part, that's where it gets difficult.
Girl #1: Oh, come on. It's so easy to find a needy bitch.
Girl #2: Have you tried AA?
--Astoria
You're a Real New Yorker When You Don't
Girl #1: I haven't seen our homeless guy lately.
Girl #2: We have a homeless guy?
Girl #1: Yeah, the guy who lives on that mattress under our building.
Girl #2: Oh yeah...I hope he's okay, I haven't seen him all week.
Girl #1: You know you're a New Yorker when you worry about where your homeless guy is.
--27th between 5th & Madison
Overheard by: Lauren Lerner
He's Hung Like a Pigeon
Guy: Yeah, that's the first thing I learned when I moved here: don't eat street meat, it's probably pigeon or something.
Girl #1: Yeah, I wish I could get my husband to stop eating it.
Girl #2: I don't care what kind of meat it is as long as it's in my mouth.
Girl #1: That's my sister; she's looking for a hook-up.
Girl #2: No, I'm not!
Guy: I'm married.
--Irving Plaza, Irving Place
Overheard by: Johnny Tremain
Wednesday One-liners Read InStyle
Guy: They had to cut off my favorite jeans, and my Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! hoodie. I was pissed, man. I made that thing myself. I put the pixelated blood on it and everything. I would have said
something, but you know, I was kind of unconscious.
--Canal Street 6 station
Overheard by: Caitlyn Howell
Wednesday One-liners Assume
Chick: Don't get too close to Paul because if he busts ass it's going to smell like Y2K!
--9th Street & 6th Avenue
The Unicorns Stood for White Power
Girl #1: ...so, my professor started talking about The Diary of Anne Frank.
Girl #2: Oh, Anne Frank! I used to love her! I had the diary, the notebooks and the pencils and everything.
Queer: What?
Girl #1: I think she means Lisa Frank.
--27th & 7th
FYI: "Cat's in the Cradle" is on iTunes
Dad: Did you bring your book?
Teen boy: Yeah.
Dad: Oh good; that way we don't have to talk.
--Tekserve, West 23rd Street
Overheard by: Bethany Murphy
Aim for Where Freedom Lives: The Head
Teen Asian boy: So, the spelling bee--
Teen Indian girl: Was one of the kids Indian?
Teen Asian boy: Yeah, there was an Indian kid and a white kid.
Teen Indian girl: So typical. My parents entered me in a spelling bee and I was fucking horrible.
Teen Asian boy: Ha, ha, ha! Anyway, there were those two kids and I just wanted to throw PlayStations at them and yell, "I'm setting you free! I'm setting you free!"
--McDonalds, Union Square
Overheard by: Rachel W.
Attack of the iPod People (NYC Short Stories)
Guy #1: My iPod called me a homo this morning.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: I had it on shuffle and it played a nonstop string of Rent, Oklahoma, Barbara Streisand, Donna Summer and, best of all, Annie: The Musical.
Guy #2: Wow, you said, "Best of all, Annie." That's amazingly gay.
--34th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: cityhick
Ditto
Guy #1: Okay...Wow...This one time in Madison I was so drunk...I was trying to get this sorority girl to come home with me and she said she would if I got rid of her ex-boyfriend (he was hanging out with us.) That's all I remember from that night! I woke up the next morning, in bed, soaking wet, with a pulled groin muscle and scrapes all over my knees and elbows!
Guy #2: What the fuck?
Guy #1: Yeah! I had to ask around to find out what happened. Apparently, I sorta, uh, fell in the lake in Madison--I pulled my groin muscle there--then I pulled myself out and crawled home on hands and knees since I couldn't walk.
Guy #2: What...the fuck...?
--B1 bus
Overheard by: Justin Fores
Wednesday One-liners, Rated G
Little boy: You know what the problem is with clowns these days? They
try and do magic, too.
--Target, Atlantic Center
Overheard by: Mater Baiter
Those Were Uggs, You Tards
Guy #1: The girl with the tattoo on her breast.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, yeah. She got a huge booty. That shit be a jigglypuff.
Guy #1: Yeah, for real. I just wanna grab that shit.
Guy #2: Yeah, but she got hairy legs.
Guy #1: You seen 'em?
Guy #2: Hell yeah, she showed me.
Guy #1: But, you know, it's winter. Girls be gettin' sloppy in wintertime.
Guy #2: I don't care, man. That shit's atrocious.
--4 train
Always Bragging About the Log Cabin
Hobo: Do you have some change for a homeless man?
Suit: Sorry.
Hobo: Fucking faggot!
Suit: I'm a fucking fag with a warm house.
--Brooklyn Heights
Spicy Rock Always Ends Up Alone
Teen boy #1: Oh man, it was like an episode of I Love Lucy.
Teen boy #2: I love who?
Teen boy #1: Lucy. Oh man,you don't know what I Love Lucy is? Bam! I ain't your friend no more.
--Q train
Abrasion Might Be a Problem
Girl: Well, as a lesbian, it's not something I understand...
Guy: You mean, she's a size queen?
Girl: I didn't say that...but I don't get it.
Guy: I don't get it either. I mean, I've slammed into someone's cervix, and it didn't look like that was too fun for her.
Girl: Well, I guess you have nothing to worry about.
--Under The Volcano, East 36th Street
A Pride of Wednesday One-liners
Queer: You know what I completely forgot people worry about? Getting pregnant.
--The Slide, Bowery
Overheard by: professional hag
Death Threats Don't Encourage Continence
Woman: It's going to be a 20 minute wait.
Man: Why don't you go use the restrooms now?
Woman: It's okay, I can wait 20 minutes.
Man: If you shit your pants in public again, I'm going to fucking kill
you.
--Veselka, 2nd Avenue
The Beggar Union Has No Pension Demands
Hobo: Oh, you gonna work this car?
Activist guy: Yeah, I got kinda like a political thing goin' on here. I hope you don't mind if I work here.
Hobo: A'right, fine, whateva.
--6 train
Overheard by: shahid waseem
Hobo: Hey, I'm not selling candy for the basketball team. I'm not selling candy for the football team. I'm not selling candy for the afterschool program. In fact, I'm not selling anything. I just want your money so I can buy pot and beer and crack. And Viagara. I hear you need Viagara when you're on the crack...Hi, miss. You have the prettiest eyes I've seen in 20 minutes...You, no! Get out. I am working this car. Get out. No candy!
--5 train
We Drink to Freedom Toast Here
Drunk guy: Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead.
Drunk girl: What's that mean?
Drunk guy: It's an Irish toast.
Drunk girl: Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon.
Drunk guy: Huh?
Drunk girl: That's French toast.
--Stoned Crow, Washington Place
Overheard by: Gradie Smith
Wednesday One-liners, Clothing Optional
Old woman: I was only a bridesmaid once, and the dresses were just impossible. The color was this menopause blue!
--Jojo, East 64th Street
Overheard by: Molly the Mole
Wednesday One-liners M.D.
Chick: I got drunk and forgot to take out my last tampon; when the doctor fished it out it was all gray and smelled like Alpo.
--6 train
He Was Riding a Young Buck Last Night
Girl #1: Did you like it?
Girl #2: Yeah. It was amazing.
Girl #1: What about Eric?
Girl #2: He wants to become a gay cowboy now.
--Mary Ann's Restaurant, 2nd Avenue & 5th Street
Overheard by: Overly Attentive Diner
Remember That Whole Strike Thing?
Guy: God damn it! Where were you? I waited an hour for you to show up! Were you on a coffee break or what?
Bus driver: Sir, that's not possible, the lead bus was only ten minutes ahead of me. I watched him pull out of the depot.
Guy: Screw you! You guys are the real terrorists! You're what Homeland Security is trying to protect us against!
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Staten Island
Meet Saul and Jesus
Businessguy #1 If I were gay I would change my name to Paul.
Businessguy #2: Why Paul? I would go with something more Latin.
--A train
Overheard by: Cory Agid
Pass the Dutchie Hobo Left-hand Side
Hobo: Hey man, you got some change? I'm saving up for a bag of weed?
Guy: No! I prefer to pay for it myself!
Hobo: Yeah?...Well, I don't!
--Bleecker & Sullivan
He Proceeded to Mash Dog Crap into His Chest
Man: You dropped something.
Teen girl: What?
Man: You dropped something.
Teen girl: No, I didn't.
Man: Yeah, you did...You dropped my heart.
Teen girl: Well, pick it up and put it back in.
--90th between Columbus & Amsterdam
Where Are They Now? (A NYC Short Story)
Woman: What ever happened to Ceci?
Man: Ceci?
Woman: Yeah, Ceci. That little girl that got her fingers cut off. The pretty little crackhead with the beautiful soul.
--116th & Frederick Douglass
Overheard by: Melissa Berry
Junkie lady: Wow, that thing is nice, what year is it?
Yuppie guy: '06, I just got it.
Junkie lady: '06? That shit ain't even here yet. You better put that in a garage, nigga!
Yuppie guy: I don't have money for that or for you.
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Art Vandelay
Mr. Pringles is a Murderer in the Eyes of God
Speaker girl: Any questions?
Audience girl: Were you able to find out about how much women paid for the abortion procedures?
Speaker girl: About $200 a pop.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Julia Kite
He's Unsure Whether Skeletons Count as Siblings
Guy #1: ...and then I came in and Anne was watching some gay movie with Keanu Reeves and River Phoenix--
Guy #2: Who's River Phoenix?
Guy #1: You know, Joaquin Phoenix's brother.
Guy #2: Joaquin Phoenix has a brother?
Guy #1: I guess...
--A train
Those Are Totally Knockoffs
Bags woman: Ladies...Gucci, Prada, Louis! Ladies...
Hot dog guy: Ladies, get your Gucci hot dogs here...Prada hot dogs!
--Canal & Broadway
Overheard by: Lori
Prince Alberts Ruin Another Ecclesiastical Career
Indian guy: Yo, I never told you I almost became a monk.
White guy: Shut up. You serious?
Indian guy: For real. I was this close. Before I applied for colleges, I checked out what you had to do to become a monk.
White guy: I couldn't picture you as a monk. You don't even go to church.
Indian guy: I know, right? I found out that they don't allow piercings so I never applied.
--6 train
Overheard by: Yasmin Henning
No, She's Thinking of the Houses...and Limbs
Guy: So a bunch of people are getting hurricane Katrina tattoos.
Girl #1: What would a hurricane tattoo even look like?
Girl #2: It would just be a swirl.
Girl #1: No babe, you're thinking of a tornado.
--Stanton Social Club, Stanton Street
Overheard by: JDM & MZ
Then Explain That St. Ignatius Menorah
Guy #1: She's really religious, she even goes to a Jesuit school.
Girl #1: Oh! Like JTS?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: What? Isn't Jesuit another word for Jewish? Like Orthodox or something?
Guy #1: Um, no.
--Columbia University
Red-handed, Huh? With What Were They Stained?
Girl #1: I saw this homeless girl on the street who looked our age and I felt so bad.
Girl #2: So did you give her money?
Girl #1: No, my nails were wet.
--62nd & Lexington
"...This mayonnaise sure tastes funny!"
Girl: What are you eating?
Guy: I don't know, I was just like, "Put whatever you want on bread."
--Columbia University
Overheard by: helena vozhd
The Court Order was Overturned
Guy #1: He's always dressed in Gucci, Versace, and all that shit.
Guy #2: Nigga, if I was skinny I'd wear nice stuff too.
Guy #1: Yeah, I'm sure it's your weight that's keeping you from wearing Gucci.
--Queensboro Plaza station
Overheard by: Preebz
Next Stop for Trains, Last Stop for Planes
Conductor: Chambers Street-World Trade Center will be the next and last stop on this train.
Man: Can't be next and last stop. Either it's the next stop or the last stop!
--E train
Overheard by: Alan H.
It Was a Meeting, Not a Holocaust
Suit #1: That was a pretty good meeting...
Suit #2: Yeah, we got a lot done.
Hobo: Was Liam Neeson in it?
--51st & Madison
Overheard by: BDA
Charlie and the Cigarette Factory
Suit #1: You know what movie they're filming over there?
Suit #2: I think it's a snuff film.
--Maiden & Water
Overheard by: Angry Oscillations
Wednesday One-liners Rifle Through the Trash
Guy: Dude, no one uses "hobo" in a sentence anymore.
--McCoy's Bar, 9th Avenue
Sharpie is Just Their Name, Dimwit
Asian girl: So he gave me directions to go meet him.
White guy: What? I ain't goin there, that neighborhood is all Cripped out! I ain't about to get shot!
Asian girl: Look, I can call a car service to pick us up at the train station if it's that big of a deal.
White guy: Naw, I'm kiddin', I'll just stab 'em with a pen.
--Walgreens, 4th Avenue
She Admires Their Ability to Smear Their Foes
Lady lawyer: Hey, what animal year are you?
Boy attorney #1: The monkey, I think.
Boy attorney #2: Dude, chimpanzees freak me out after seeing Outbreak.
Boy attorney #1: That was a monkey, not a chimpanzee.
Lady lawyer: The thing I don't like about monkeys is their butts.
--Office, East 45th Street
Michael Schiavo Gets On With His Life
Woman: He wants the pad tai with chicken, no vegetables.
Man: I can't have vegetables. My vegetarian wife just left me.
--Tai Hong Lau, Mott Street
Overheard by: Amie
Choose Your Own Dating Adventure
Hag: I see her point, I think that's why I don't have a boyfriend either. I'm just too high maintenence.
Queer: Ha! Girl, you are not high maintenance, you are just plain old needy.
--17th & 5th
Overheard by: Thirsty Violet
Woman: You are not needy, you are so worth it!
--Elephant and Castle, Greenwich Avenue
Overheard by: wecantdraw
I'm Thankful for My Health
Girl #1: Oh no, I can feel my pulse in my neck!
Girl #2: You can always feel your pulse in your neck, douchebag.
Girl #1: No, but it's, like, really strong.
--Washington Square Park
Bag lady: I have osteoporosis.
Hobo: Ostoprognosis? Is that serious?
Bag lady: Well, I might die from it. It makes you boneless. I have no bones. Like a Perdue chicken.
Hobo: So it turns you into a skeleton!
--2 train
Guy: I wish I could turn my fat into gold.
--18th & 5th
Overheard by: basselope
Old cashier lady: Sixteen years ago they gave me 72 hours to live. I only have three arteries in my heart.
Old customer lady: How many are you supposed to have?
Old cashier lady: Four.
Old customer lady: Oh. That's not that bad...
--Stop and Shop, Astoria
Overheard by: Dan
If You Don't Get It, Ask an Appeaser
Professor lady: What is your favorite fruit?
Girl #1: J'aime manger les pommes.
Girl #2: Isn't the rule if it grows underground it's a vegetable?
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
"...Can I get her autograph?"
Guy: The Dead Kennedys are playing tonight. Oh, excuse me: the "Dead Kennedys."
Girl: Right.
Guy: Like the Dead Kennedys are even the Dead Kennedys without Jello Biafra. It's like the Misfits without Danzig.
Girl: My sister's boyfriend knows their drummer.
Guy: You have a sister?
--L train
Wednesday One-liners Are Captive-bred
Guy: I'm so horny, I would fuck a mule...but only if it gave me head first.
--7 train
Overheard by: Ron Jackson
A Black Hole Isn't a Universe
Girl #1: You talk like you're from an entirely other universe.
Girl #2: I am. It's called Los Angeles!
--1st Avenue & 6th Street
Overheard by: miss dubin
The Comics Section is a Real Gas
Girl #1: ...and I went on the American Nazi Party website, and it's--
Girl #2: I know! It's hysterical.
--26th & Park
Overheard by: Kevin Stone
Stopping Anti-Semitism Should Be the Cheap One
Hobo: Anyone got a dollar, anyone got a dollar? Anyone got a dollar, anyone got a dollar?
Lady: Here, take $5. Now get off the train. You givin' us black people a bad name.
--D train
"I thought you liked housework, Cinderella."
Girl: What happened to the raisinets?
Guy: I turned them into chocolate pudding and sent them to the ocean.
Girl: Ew. I thought you were supposed to be charming.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: brookie
Wednesday One-liners for Hump Day
Teen girl: I wouldn't call me bi but more curious. Nut when I was fooling around with her I thought to myself, "I'd definitely do this again."
--1 train
Overheard by: Mike Smith
That's Where Everyone's is Located
Lady: Excuse me, where is Nathan's?
Guy: It's around the corner, asshole.
--South Street Seaport
I Found Unfunny Dickhole's Doppelganger
Girl: Guys, I saw a doppelganger for Justin Case today!
Guy: Yeah me too, his name is Justin Time.
--Virgin, Union Square
They're Scared of Losing Their Souls...More So
Chick #1: Ew! Did that man just take our picture with his cameraphone?
Chick #2: Ew! That is so rude! Why would he do that? Don't look up. Don't look up!
Man: Don't flatter yourselves, ladies. A) You're not nearly that hot, and B) I was sending a text message to my boyfriend.
--M57 bus
Overheard by: Peter S
It'll Be Just Like Playing Cat's Cradle
Tween girl #1: I don't understand why anyone would be pro-life.
Tween girl #2: Yeah, I'm gonna get my tubes tied once I'm old enough.
--16th & 2nd
Overheard by: alex duncan
He Was a Very Foolhardy Investor
Hobo: Spare some change?...Why are you so selfish?
Man: Why are you so poor?
--West 4th Street & 6th Avenue
Overheard by: David B.
Tony Blair Gets Blamed for All the Disasters
Girl: How old is that guy?
Guy: Who, Bono? 40, 45.
Girl: Oh, and where are they from, England?
--7 train
Overheard by: Jack Kennedy
Keep Holding the Rest of Us Up, You Dumb Farts
Old lady: Julian! Get in the elevator, we are holding it for you.
Old man: I am in the elevator, it's just my ass that was dragging behind.
--Apartment building, 66th & West End
Overheard by: Lubes
Old lady: I'm not moving until the light says go.
Old man: Yeah, you don't want to get that rundown feeling.
--Crown Heights
Overheard by: Jamie Lloyd
Cue Zany Drunken Sodomy Montage
Waiter: I assume you guys are on a date?
Guy #1: Yep.
Waiter: I just love seeing two nice young men together, so I brought you key lime shots to go with the key lime pie. Enjoy.
Guy #2: Bitch, you'll do anything for alcohol.
--East of Eighth, W. 23rd Street
Wednesday One-liners Need a Planner
Drunk girl: Hey guys? I can't believe today is already Saturday! That means tomorrow is Sunday! Whatever happened to yesterday? I guess that was Friday. But whatever happened to Friday night?
--6 train
Overheard by: Skye
You Can't Bring Russell Crowe Anywhere
Filthy man: You three ladies know this dude?
Girl #1: Uh, yeah.
Filthy man: Oh. Okay. 'Cause I was about to pull out my AK47 and shoot him dead.
The elevator stops.
Filthy man: You all have a nice night.
--Hotel Carter, West 43rd Street
Overheard by: onesong
This Medal Smells Funny
Guy: What flavor should I get?
Drunk girl: I'd get butter pecan but I'm lactose intolerant and it'd make me shit like a champ.
--Bodega, Houston & 6th
Must Be a Ladybug
Girl #1: You can't eat that chicken. There was a bug in it.
Girl #2: But I'm so hungry.
Girl #1: What kind of bug is it anyways?
Girl #2: I don't know. I feel like crying.
--Waverly Diner
That's Why He's Dr. Pepper
Girl: When we were younger, we totally took for granted the fun in playing Spin the Bottle...I would love to play now but it wouldn't be the same.
Man: Yeah, playing now would just end with an abortion two months later.
Girl: Ugh.
--Broadway & 46th
Overheard by: Jeff Rigby
It's Just Paste, You Fucktards
Waif #1: Do you have any of that low-carb gum?
Waif #2: That stuff is super fierce.
Waif #1: I know.
--1 train
Overheard in the Headlines
Man: My friend asked me if they were shooting a movie, and I said,
"Yeah, it's called Bombscare."
--Astor Place
Wednesday One-liners, Class of '09
Girl: Yeah, so I thought my professor was just affected, but today
she admitted she's Canadian.
--116th & Broadway
Many of Us Are Even at Jim's Level
Yuppie mom #1: Can you believe that there are people living in this city who make under two hundred thousand dollars?
Yuppie mom #2: Really?
Yuppie mom #1: Yes, I'd never do that. I wouldn't want to live like a Huckleberry Finn.
The conversation then got too low for me to hear after they saw I was eavesdropping and giving them the evil eye.
--Riverside Park
It's All Brave New World Up in Here
Girl: Is your package big?
Guy: ...I don't know...depends on what my mom ordered.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: Bowserhsu
They Must Have Seen X-men
Ghetto guy: Dat movie was da bomb.
Ghetto hoochie: Yeah guy, 10 thumbs up!
--City Cinemas Village East, 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Faceman
The Black Flag is at Half-mast
Guy #1: You do such dumb shit.
Guy #2: I do not.
Guy #1: Well, what about that E-trades tattoo on your leg?
Guy #2: I'm hardcore!
--1 train
Chick: Sell-out by day...
Suit: Shut up, okay? Whatever pays the bills.
--CBGBs, The Bowery
Overheard by: Sarah Royal
Drunk guy on cell: Dude, that's crap, you gotta live hardcore!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth
Teen girl: Man this sucks. Where are all the punks?
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Mary
Chick: Darryl doesn't even know what hardcore is, first off. He was all, "What, is that like some kind of porn?".
--2nd & A
Overheard by: Kira
Punk girl: Fight bureaucracy!
Suit: You're not the boss of me.
--Leonard between Broadway & Church
Overheard by: Lakini Malich
Wednesday One-liners Go On a Bender
Hippie guy on cell: Nathan, I don't care how drunk you were, if you're giving a blowjob, you know you're giving a blowjob.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Mr. Donutsu
Wednesday One-liners Just Don't Understand
Man: How do you get suspended on the first day of school in first grade?
--Lobby, Madison & 27th
Technically Since Early Saturday Morning
Two people are making out.
Guy #2: That's just wrong.
Girl #2: You just don't understand, it's love.
Guy #2: Yeah, it's been love since Friday night at the bar.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Jess McGins
It's Probably Because of Copyright Violations
A hobo has a cardboard sign that says "Ninjas killed parents, need money for Kugn [sic] Fu lessons."
A cop comes up, and the hobo says: I don't know why. I've already had five police come by and bother me today.
--14th & 5th
Overheard by: Casey
(cf. This guy.)
You're Barefoot When They Put You in the Ground
Italian guy #1: For some guys, it's all right.
Italian guy #2: The fucking Israelis started that shit.
Italian guy #1: I don't see nothing wrong with it, if that's what you're into...
Italian guy #2: The day I wear a square-toed shoe, put me in the fucking ground!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: James
Because Butterflies Wear T-shirts
Girl: Well, I don't know...She doesn't look very much like a butterfly.
Guy: What, would you rather have her wear a t-shirt with a giant butterfly on it?
--Lincoln Center
Sandra Day O'Connor It Is
Man #1: If you could have sex with anyone, who would it be?
Man #2: Living or dead?
--F train
Overheard by: El Duderino
There is No Situation Where That Line Sucks
Ghetto HS girl: Oh please! You thought you was lookin' all fly, comin' out wit yo five dolla t-shirt, do-rag and boots. Tryin' ta holla at a girl. Sorry nigga, you ain't the one.
Ghetto HS boy: I'm sorry for ya, ma. Thinkin' I was tryin' to get wit you. Head gettin' all big...when you all busted. Playin' mix tapes on ya face.
--R train
Overheard by: Cinnamaniac
Because Nothing Says Hilarity Like Catholicism
Suit #1: No sir, the kids don't have school off tomorrow. You believe that?
Suit #2: Wait, the Catholic Schools don't close for the Jewish holidays? You're kidding me!
--Elevator, Park & 33rd
Overheard by: Nick Jezarian
Not Quite Absolutely Fabulous
Chick: He was not really completely gay.
Guy: What was he, then?
Chick: He was more just completely fabulous.
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: jennifer
Girl: I'm pathetic enough but not fabulous enough to be a fag hag.
--The Ansonia, 73rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Betty Noir
Girl #1: You shouldn't feel sorry for yourself. We are single and fabulous, explanation point.
Girl #2: ...Don't you mean "exclamation point"?
--Garden Cafe, Inwood
Guy #1: ...I walked in and the warehouse was just full of tiny little boots.
Guy #2: That sounds fabulous.
--Central Park
Wednesday One-liners Watch the Calendar
Conductor: This is 33rd Street, please remember to take all personal belongings off with you, and let me be the first to wish you a merry Christmas!
--PATH train
Overheard by: elise n
Please God, Let Her Have Been Speaking Literally
Lesbian #1: Do you think she's a trannie?
Lesbian #2: I don't know. Would you still do her if she was?
Lesbian #1: She's so hot that it wouldn't even matter.
Lesbian #2: Then can you let me off the hook for sleeping with that
hermaphrodite?
--Long Island City
What the Hell's a "Bum"?
Hobo: Can I have a cigarette?
Girl: Sorry, I just bummed my last one to that guy.
Guy: Dude, you just said "bum" to a bum.
--Central Park
The Last Line Works Better By Itself
Teen girl: Wow, look at the men's room line and then look at the women's room line. It's so much longer.
Fat woman: Yeah. Shit, I'll grow a penis.
--Shubert Theater, W. 44th Street
Overheard by: Emily G.
It's Straightened Pubes, Glued Together
Girl #1: Whoa man, you look totally creepy. Like a creepy molester.
Girl #2: It's a molestache!
--B-Side, Avenue B
Batman Ends
Woman #1: Do you have the time?
Woman #2: Yeah, it's 6:15.
Hobo: But when's it gonna be time for you and me?...I said, when's it gonna be time for you and me? All right then, same time tomorrow.
--Central Park
Overheard by: robin b.
Wow, "Long Island" and "Better" in One Discussion
Suit #1: How long have you lived here?
Suit #2: How old are you? Probably longer than you have been alive.
Suit #1: Born and raised in New York, huh?
Suit #2: No, a farm in PA. Got the fuck out of there, though. Met a girl from New York--well actually, Long Island--married her and moved out here. Thought she had money. Yeah...fooled the shit out of me.
Suit #3: Ha, you were that close to being better than all of us.
--Wall & Water
The Sticks are Obviously Made from Branches
Girl: I wonder what kind of cheese they put in these.
Guy: Me too. It's good.
Girl: What do you think it is?
Guy: Maybe Mozzarella, I'm not sure.
Girl: It doesn't taste like Mozzarella. I doubt it.
Guy: You're right. I don't know. Probably one of them Italian cheeses.
Girl: I wonder. I like it.
--Diner, Astoria
Overheard by: Jenna Vee
He Thinks the Cones are Sort of Kitschy
Bodega guy: Hey, weren't you at the Mets game?
Black guy: I'd rather be at a motherfuckin' Ku Klux Klan rally.
--Bodega, Market & Monroe
Overheard by: benjamin lightle
He Who Makes Moby Look Like Schwarzenegger
Guy #1: Jesus Christ! Michael Stipe has a big fucking head.
Guy #2: I was thinking about walking up and talking to him, for the simple reason that I haven't liked him for so many years.
--The Walter Reade Theater, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: El Cubano
Mom's Trying to Be Sexy, Too
Mom: I don't know why you brought me here. You know there's nothing here that I can eat.
Chick: What about the steak, Mom? I thought you like steak?
Mom: Goddamn it! You know I forgot my teeth!
--Ruth's Chris Steak House, W. 51st Street
Better He Take the Elevator Than a Plane
Man: Jesus is coming, are you prepared?
Hipster guy: Well, he ain't getting on this elevator!
Woman: Oh Jesus, who let this nut in the building?
--Elevator, 42nd & Lexington
Overheard by: Cirrus Monk
Wednesday One-liners Smoke 'Em if They Got 'Em
Girl on cell: Hello?...Hi. Sorry about that...Yeah, I was getting bothered...a transvestite who wanted a cigarette...yeah, then she growled at me.
--4th Street & 2nd Avenue
He Totally Wins Friends and Influences People!
Guy: What's the matter, you don't like the book?
Girl: No, I'm just wondering if we can charge Bush with copyright infringement.
--6 train
Overheard by: Alyson Leigh
Give Credit Where Due, to the Alcohol
Girl #1: I kind of do want to fall in love with someone who quickly ranges from hideous to really attractive.
Girl #2: That's how I think most people are.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Laura Vinocur
Not Too Bad, As Far As Blind Dates Go
A hobo on crutches hobbles towards a chick walking in the opposite direction, and she swerves to avoid him.
Crutchbo: You think you can outsmart me, bitch? Next time I'll cut you.
Woman: I'm hoping there won't be a next time.
--Port Authority
Man, It Was Probably Gates or Clinton
A girl and guy are making out on the street.
Guy: I gotta go.
Girl: Wait, come back.
Guy: I'm busy.
Girl: What's your name?
Guy: Bill.
Girl: How can I get in touch with you?
Guy: Google it.
--11th Street & 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Tibbie X
That's Kind of Implied for Guys
Girl #1: ...so we are at this audition and they ask us to step out and say what we like to do in our spare time. So this guy steps out and says "discussing philosophy". I mean, how pretentious can you get?
Girl #2: Well, what did you expect him to say? "Getting my dick sucked by total strangers"?
--68th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Betty Noir
Gee, Where Did He Find Those Guests...
White chick #1: Whatever happened to Jerry Springer?
White chick #2: Yeah, remember when he was like, it? You'd see him everywhere.
White chick #1: Yeah, he made that movie and all.
White chick #2: I heard he's running for Mayor of Ohio.
White chick #1: Get out!
--Greenwich & North Moore
What Happened to You, Alex P. Keaton?
Banker guy: I hope you have bail money.
Bouncer guy: Fuck you.
Manager guy: What's the problem here?
Banker guy: He shoved me.
Manager guy: I don't know anything about that, but you didn't bring ID.
Banker guy: I have my Dartmouth ID and my Goldman Sachs ID.
--outside Brass Monkey, Little West 12th Street
Overheard by: pb dot c
The Bosom Buddies Movie Looks Really Dumb
Yuppie guy #1: I'll have a strawberry margarita. As fruity as possible. I just cover it up with a wife and kids.
Yuppie guy #2: Hey, I'm married, and I'm still not comfortable with my sexuality.
Yuppie guy #1: Really?
--79th Street Boat Basin
Overheard by: Andrea Natalie Goldstein
Depends on If You're a Top or Not
Tween girl #1: His hair is sometimes awful, but it's sometimes so perfect.
Tween girl #2: I think that's what gay hair is like.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: emily clinch
He Didn't See That Jen Looks Like She Has Down's
Teen girl #1: Oh my gosh, Brad Pitt is such an idiot.
Teen girl #2: I know, he never should've left Jen.
Teen girl #1: No, I mean, can't he see that the baby is clearly not his?
--Penn Station newsstand
Cue the Least Romantic Song Ever
Thug #1: Kelly Bundy's dancing on Broadway.
Thug #2: She naked?
Thug #1: She broke both her legs. I think she in a wheelchair.
Thug #2: She naked?
Thug #1: I bet she dance good. She hot.
Thug #2: I'd break her clit if I had the chance.
--F train
Girl: If I hear another show tune out of context I think I'm going to vomit. Physically vomit. You know that feeling?
Guy: Uh, no.
--42nd between 9th & 10th
Kids Say the Most Ominous Things
Receptionist lady: What's your name?
Little boy: Nayan.
Receptionist lady: Can you spell that for me?
Little boy: N-A-Y-A-N.
Receptionist lady: Did your mommy tell you what your name means?
Little Boy: X-ray vision.
--Doctor's office, Park Slope
Overheard by: Rachel
The WSJ Has a Compelling Drawing, Too
Newspaper guy: Only in the Post! Pictures of Pataki crying like a pussy!
--34th & 7th
For Once the Tourists Are the Smart Ones
Girl: Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Little Italy?
Man: You're standing in it.
Girl: But isn't this still Chinatown?
Man: Yeah, it's that too.
--Mulberry & Grand
Overheard by: The Fever
By "Crises" He Must Mean "Circumcisions"
Guy: He's 31 and already he's going through a mid-life crisis.
Girl: You're 30 and you've been going through crises after crises after crises.
Guy: But I'm a Jew.
--19th & 5th
Can I Have Your Autograph, Wednesday One-liners?
Old Jewess: That Suzanne Somers has some nerve. She is writing another diet book. I have a friend who has read all her diet books and every year she gets fatter and fatter.
--Music Box theatre, West 45th Street
Fratboy: She was like an ugly Paris Hilton, but not rich.
--C train
Overheard by: nicolette
Guy: I'm gonna beat you like an Olsen twin.
--68th & Columbus
Overheard by: Andrew Zar
Teen boy: Yo, I heard that Tupac was named after a Jewish holiday.
--Red Hook
Guy: Yeah, you know, that's the great thing about the Kennedys: they get $1 off of every bottle of Scotch that they buy. You know, because their dad was a bootlegger and all.
--52 & Lexington
There's a Twilight Zone Episode Here
Girl: That's weird. I'm on the subway and my cell phone rang.
Guy: We're on the bridge.
Girl: Oh shit! I was supposed to get off at Canal Street!
--Q train
Overheard by: David
Guy: This station needs to be named Hell.
--Canal Street station
Overheard by: Nic
We Surveyed 100 New Yorkers; All Disagreed
Girl #1: So I don't wanna be all like, "whatever," because he, like, totally likes me.
Girl #2: He told me he thinks you're smart.
--R train
Overheard by: Jorge De La Garza
It's Made of Green Cheese, and That's the Moon
Girl #1: She said to meet her in front of some type of iron building.
Girl #2: What's that?
Girl #1: I don't know. Some building made out of iron. What's that building made out of?
--23rd & Broadway
Oh, He's a Member All Right
Girl: You staring at me?
Guy: Yeah, but only 'cause you look so fine.
Girl: True. But you can stop checking me out now. These aren't public titties, they're private titties. For select audiences only, and you're not a member.
--A train
Nor Should You Have Confirmed It For Us Publicly
Chick #1: So was he cute?
Chick #2: He was cute enough.
Chick #1: What does that mean?
Chick #2: I mean, like, I wouldn't lick his butt or anything.
Chick #1: Ew!
Chick #2: Oh, like you never licked a guy's butt!
Chick #1: I should never have told you that.
--3rd Avenue & 11th Street
Overheard by: Manhattman
I Bet His Shoes Are All Squishy
Girl: Wow, that was some pretty bad turbulence.
Guy: Yeah, I don't think I'll be having bowel movements for a week.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Jim D
Wednesday One-liners, I'm Your Father
Father: Oh, you mean hummus. Hamas is a terrorist organization.
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: Daniel Radosh
Man on stoop on cell: Son, it sounds like you got yourself an STD.
--Windsor Terrace
Overheard by: LaurenG
Dad: Now don't go getting lost again. It cost me a lot of money to get you back last time.
--Bronx Zoo
Father: It was because of nuclear proliferation. All the dinosaurs shot nukes at each other.
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: JB
Man: The last time a bird pooped on me I met your mother.
--Central Park Zoo
In German, The "and pissed on" is Implied
Queer: Did she know she was going to be naked for the photo shoot?
Anorexia: Yeah, I even told her in German.
--26th & 5th
You Need to Put Something on Hot Dogs You Eat There
Teen boy #1: He has 3 taps in his shower. One cold water, another hot, and one for mustard.
Teen boy #2: I like mustard.
Teen boy #1: In the shower?
--Q43 bus
Overheard by: Sucka MC
Translation: You're Going to Be a Daddy!
Fat lady: I wanna return this.
Store guy: Why?
Fat lady: Is too small, wanna large.
Guy: Receipt says you bought it a month ago; what happened to you?
Fat lady: I got pregnant, motherfucker!
--Foot Locker, Queens Mall
Overheard by: Steve Kinsella
But I'd Care If My Burger Were Run Over
Old Italian lady #1: Your cat's gonna get hit!
Asian Lady: Wha?
Old Italian lady #1: Your cat: it's in the street! Someone's gonna run over it!
Asian lady: Huh?
Old Italian lady #1: Your ca--
Old Italian lady #2: She doesn't care about the cat. Those Orientals, they eat cats.
--Carroll Gardens bodega
That's More Him Thanking You
Woman #1: You have to thank Brian for these photos for us.
Woman #2: Don't worry, I'll just sit on his face.
--Q train
Uh, Some of Us Don't...
Chinese woman #1: Her husband is so cheap!
Chinese woman #2: Yeah, well...
Chinese woman #1: Where do you find someone like that?
Chinese woman #2: He's a Shanghai-nese.
Chinese woman #1: Oh...Well, you know how those people are.
Translated from the Chinese.
--7 train
No, Arm & Hammer
Yuppie guy #1: Armagnac?
Yuppie guy #2: Yeah, armagnac. It's pretty much like cognac.
Yuppie guy #1: And it's made by Armani?
--Varick & Franklin
Overheard by: Timothy Wilson
Seems Like Some Weirdly Localized Racism to Me
Girl: Did you just call him a dirty Guatemalan?
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: Are you sure you didn't have the wrong number?
Guy: I don't know what the fuck is going on.
--Chip Shop, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Domi
It's a Down Payment Toward Freeing Those Pesky Alien Ghosts
A tourist stops in front of the Free Stress Test table.
Tourist lady: How much for the stress test?
Scientologist guy: 8 bucks.
--Times Square station
Attack of the Moongoloid 2: Luna's Revenge
Girl on cell: Mom! Guess what? We are having a full moon in New York tonight.
Girl #2: You so stupid...it's everywhere!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Jim Chambers
There's Nothing Really There to Tell
New mom #1: I've been constipated for the past three months.
New mom #2: Tell me about it.
--Madison Square Park
Wednesday One-liners Mispronounce Zoology
Woman: Oh my god, I love my cat. My cat is my reason for living. My cat is like a dog, only in cat form...
--34th & 8th
Hawker guy: AM New York! The rooster of newspapers! Find out why I'm a cock-a-doodle-do-ing!
--42nd & Lexington
Suit on cell: I can't wait to get back to Boston. This town is like an elephant graveyard for my exes. Yeah, instead of elephants, all my exes come here to rest.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Matt Murdock
Girl: I hit a firefly driving up there and my windshield was all gooey, slimy and shiny...so I thought of you.
--Washington Square
Queer: Ohmigod, I thought that was the ugliest baby in the world, but it's a bulldog.
--West 4th & Cornelia
Overheard by: Raphael
Girl: I've never been pooped on. At least not by a bird.
--71st & 1st
Guy: ...yes, I'm going to put that in my octopus.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Jenny + Pete
Girl: Whoa, it smells like hamster piss right here.
--1st & 1st
Teen boy: Man, next time I see him, it's over. I'll throw worms on his ass if I have to.
--Fordham Road
Crazy guy: Want to see my website? It'll cost you. Want to see it? $100. Naw, you don't have that sort of money. I need to jazz it up. It has pictures of dead animals on it.
--D train
Overheard by: Taybin Rutkin
Dude, Vegans Don't Eat Meat
Woman: So how was the blind date?
Man: Ugh, you know. He's tall, white, and a vegan. The same as every man in this world.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Mike Drucker
John the Apostle Only Alludes to It Cryptically
Guy: There's a Bennigan's here now?
Girl: Sure, New York's getting everything: Bennigan's, Outback, Applebee's, Chevy's.
Guy: Who knew the four horsemen of the apocalypse were chain restaurants?
--48th & 8th
Overheard by: Amanda
If You Pee Yourself on the Train, Al-Qaeda Has Won
Brit husband: I can't believe this isn't air conditioned.
Brit wife: Well, this isn't London...just pretend it is a sauna.
Brit husband: I can't. It smells like piss and sweat, not cedar.
--1 train
Where's Carnac When You Need Him?
Guy #1: What did you say?
Guy #2: What do you think I said? "That ain't shampoo, it's maple syrup."
--1st between 74th & 75th
Overheard by: The Iron Lung
She's Going to Do It-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named
Little girl: But I'm not on line for Harry Potter; I want to go to the bathroom!
--Barnes & Noble, Astor Place
Assholes Kind of Speak a Universal Language
Fat lady: Do you understand English?
Guy: I do and you sound like an asshole.
--7 train
One New York Minute, Biotech
Tourist lady: Can I get an all day subway pass?
Token booth guy: Sure, $7.
Tourist lady: How long will that last?
--Times Square station
Overheard by: Jeff McCrum
Wednesday One-liners Are Braindead
Chick: The problem with reading is that you can't do it when you're fucked up.
--31st & 2nd
Woman on cell: I'm so, like, a vegetarian, for real you know? But only, like, on Wednesdays.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Angela
Guy on cell: Dude did so much K that he turned into Terri Schiavo.
--Union Square
Chick: I know this guy who's perfect for you...he's a complete idiot.
--Columbia University
Guy: Wow, I didn't even know things existed here.
--Port Authority, 2nd Floor
Guy: Well at one point he took off his boots, a while later tried to put them back on. I told him that they were the wrong feet. Then he looked at me and said, "No...these are my feet."
--Hank's Saloon, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Kimberly Handle
May/December Wednesday One-liners
Girl: Man, this old dyke is digging on me, but I want some penis
these days.
--3rd between B & C
Guy: Man, old pussy is the best! She has 50 years of dick sucking experience.
--124th & Manhattan
Overheard by: Jason Steinhauer
Queer on cell: Ever since I lost my hair I've had 20 year olds chasing me around like I'm an ice cream cone.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Squatporpoise
Girl: Oh yeah, that guy you saw me with Sunday? He lets me watch him have sex with boys.
--NYU School of social work
Overheard by: Maggie
You Said It, Brother
Yuppie #1: She had a great rack.
Yuppie #2: Couldn't have been real.
Yuppie #1: Yeah, no way.
Yuppie #2: So you're a rack guy, huh?
Yuppie #1: Nah, I'm an ass.
--18th & 5th
Overheard by: Debl Way
The Flaming Idiocy Surely Contributed
Woman: You know, on 9/11 I was the only person in lower Manhattan who wasn't coughing and tearing up. My husband, he had a handkerchief over his mouth and all the visine and shit and I was like, "Bring it on! This tastes good!" You know why? 'Cause I'm a smoker.
--MSG elevator
"See, I heard they have dropped calls here all the time."
A suit drops his cell phone on the sidewalk and yells: Fuck!
Tourist dad: Oh my, did you hear what that man said in public?
Tourist mom: And this is the exact reason why I don't want you to move to New York!
--71st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ellen
Someone's Gotta Field All Those Calls
Queer: Where does Dusty work?
Girl: At a church by Spring Street.
Queer: What does he do?
Girl: He's an administrative assistant.
Queer: An administrative assistant to God?
--Union Square
Wednesday One-liners for the Red States
Lady: I come here every weekend. It's my church.
--Manhattan Mall women's bathroom
Overheard by: Dolly Lowenstein
Guy: She became a Republican to spite our father.
--Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
Woman: I really hate Bush. I can't stand him. The world would be such a better place if he just died...But then there's Cheney...
--6 train
Drunk guy: You wait right here, I'm going home to get my gun, I'll be right back!
--23rd between 8th & 9th
Guy: This is the guy I got arrested with in San Antonio for pissing on the Alamo.
--LES party
Overheard by: Caz
And By "Tractor" He Means..."Grandma"
Man #1: So what are you going to do this weekend?
Man #2: I thought we could go to my farm and you could ride my tractor.
Man #1: Oh yeah, that sounds great.
--Midtown elevator
Overheard by: Max Seddon
It's Like the Entire State Gets Spontaneous Parkinson's
Girl #1: So how do you like New York?
Guy: I love it. I mean, I love coming here, but I couldn't live here.
Girl #2: Why not?
Guy: I'm not a snow person. Snow should be visited, not lived in. Me and blizzards just wouldn't get along.
Girl #1: We're from South Carolina. We love it here. We don't mind
the snow. It's better than the storms and hurricanes.
Girl #2: Yeah, I hate the hurricanes.
Guy: Well, where I live we don't have blizzards or hurricanes.
Girl #1: But you have earthquakes. That's worse.
Guy: Maybe, but we don't have earthquake season.
--Atlantic & 3rd, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Dave
Hey "Mom": It Can't Drown if There's No Water
Girl #1: When I'm older and I'm pregnant, I hope I'm standing when my water breaks cause I don't want the baby to come down and, like, drown.
Girl #2: My Mom went down in a gutter with me.
--B44 bus
Nothing's As Manly As a Soft Drink
Guy #1: Yo, I don't even believe in water, alls I drink is Pepsi.
Guy #2: Yep yep, water's for pussies.
--47th & 9th
Depends on If She Was Coughing Up Blood
Girl #1: Stop coughing! Who the fuck do you think you are?
Girl #2: John Lennon.
Girl #1: No. You're not.
--6th Avenue & 11th Street
I Wonder Why Billy Started Stuttering
Private School boy: Mummy, will you sing the song?!
Mummy: When I see a hearse go by, then I know the next to die...
--Astoria
Wednesday One-liners are a Special Area
Guy: I got both, bitch! I got a pussy and a dick!
--6th Avenue & 9th Street
Chick: He was my rag guy! What am I going to do now? I'm gonna dry up. If you stick your ear up to my vagina you're going to hear the fucking desert like it's a seashell.
--43rd & 5th
Overheard by: James Wilson
Burkha woman: ...when you remove a man's genitals, it's a sin.
--Port Authority
Guy on cell: I'm busy. I'm getting my dick sucked right now.
--4 train
Overheard by: LatiE
Guy: It wasn't till I started college that I realized they had botched the circumcision. We had all just flopped them out and I was like, "Dude, what is wrong with yours?", and they were like, "No man, it's you, what the fuck happened to you? It looks like the fucking rings of saturn."
--38th & 3rd
Suit: If you're a dick you can do anything.
--Maiden Lane & Pearl Street
Overheard by: SKG
Man on cell: So I was trying to take a pee and she kept talking to me, so then my dick got hard and I couldn't pee.
--25th & 5th
Overheard by: Ian Wheeler-Nicholson
Lady on cell: He's a hermaphrodite...he was born that way...his grandparents, thats why. Genetic mutations and stuff.
--50th & Madison
Chick: But he has a pierced dick! They don't sell that shit in stores!
--SI party
Overheard by: Rebecca Dash
Wednesday One-liners Make the Cut
Woman: This block has the best garbage!
--2nd Avenue & 8th Street
Girl on cell: We've already got plans again for this weekend. I'm really excited about this guy; he's great. He's really driven, really ready to succeed. He's a doctor...No, not in real life, on TV.
--57th & Lexington
Overheard by: Heather
White guy: That wasn't the best day of my life, though. The best day was the day after my birthday when I recoverd my hard drive.
--Astoria party
Overheard by: Noah Starr
Man on cell: I like them shoes with the ruffle. The ones you wore to the Olive Garden that one time.
--Broadway & Prince
Girl: In theory...I was going to end that sentence with, "the dolphins will be OK."
--7 train
Overheard by: Amado Angel
Lady: Well, he's an ex-junkie, an alcoholic, mean-tempered, a practicing bisexual, and he has hepatitus C. But he's a wonderful man and, as guys like that go, he does have great taste in jewelry.
--Midtown office
Those Ruben Studdard Tracks Now Seem Horrific
Girl #1: You know, if you think all songs are sung by a penis, they suddenly become funny.
Girl #2: You are high, you know that?
--91st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: SexyJewThang
Kind of a Chocolate Milk from Hell
Guy: I want to give you a Dirty Sanchez.
Girl: That better be the name of a drink!
Guy: Oh, it is...
--Canal & Broadway
Overheard by: Mellow_G
You've Come a Long Way, Biotech
Woman #1: You blew that smoke right in my face!
Woman #2: I don't control the wind, bitch!
--46th & Vanderbilt
Overheard by: whirlygurly
He Knows the Stroke is Imminent
Chick: Do you want this seat?
Old man: I may be 100 years old, but I'm only going one stop!
--6 train
It's in the Alternate Universe Confederacy
Midwood girl #1: Hey, where is Maryland anyway?
Midwood girl #2: It's in D.C. somewhere.
Midwood girl #1: Oh, right.
--Flatbush bagel shop
Overheard by: Ford Madox Hueffer
He Just Wants to Find Out What Tzatziki is Called
Teen girl: Like, I thought he was Jewish but then he ate a gyro so I dumped him.
Teen boy: That's rough. Did he have it with that white sauce?
Teen girl: What difference does that make? Shit, you're dumb.
--F train
Overheard by: Steph Gold
Overheard in the Headlines: That Twice-Rich Lady
Girl: Oh my god, I read today that a woman who won a million dollars in the lottery last year won another million again.
Guy: Yeah, I heard that. That's amazing. She seems really nice and humble about the winnings.
Girl: Yeah, fuck her.
--23rd & 10th gas station
I Asked for Lemon, Not Lip
Man: Yo, what are you selling?
Vendor: Gelato.
Man: What's that?
Vendor: Read the sign...Fuck you.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Chris
Congrats, You're Not Even as Classy as the SI Ferry
British bitch on cell: I'm surrounded by fucking morons who probably struggled through the NYC school system. We all know New Yorkers are the dumbest. They can't even read. They haven't had a Latin education and they probably can't even speak another language...I didn't want to get a limo to take to the fuckin' ghettos of Brooklyn. I didn't want to take a cab because these uneducated people don't understand directions. I didn't want to spend $30 and not get to the right place...Please make sure my car gets fixed. I've been reduced to the humiliation of taking public transportation. Now the second part of my fucking nightmare begins. I have to take the subway! I'm dressed like a commoner. I didn't want to wear a $5000 Chanel suit on a seat that hasn't been cleaned...She's letting us borrow her castle for our wedding. If they can't afford to be there, they obviously don't deserve to come.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Christine
If It's in His Ear, That's a Missed Connection
Dude: I really need a second job.
Chick: You should post on craigslist or something.
Dude: Yeah, right. "WILL DO ANYTHING".
Chick: Whoa, no, don't say that. Soon you'll have two cocks in your mouth and one in your ear.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Peter
Yet They Won't Have Useless Diplomas
Guy: Yo, did you hear what Bush wants to do? He wants to get rid of financial aid for college.
Girl: Really?
Guy: Yeah...soon we all gon' have to be drug dealers. Seeing crackheads will be normal.
--Washington Heights
Overheard by: clari
Dorks: Want to Be Jabba the Hutt? Here's How!
Chick #1: I am so pathetic.
Chick #2: You are not pathetic! If you and I lived together and did nothing but eat chocolate, guacamole and chips and ice cream and play Nintendo, and we ended up weighing 500 pounds each, but having weirdly toned hands and forearms from the Nintendo playing, that would be pathetic.
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
In Their Defense, They Did Kill the EU
Girl: Sorry, I'm trying to be as French as possible.
French guy: Oh, I'm from Bawsten.
--N train
Overheard by: c. dubs
The train pulls out of the underground. Three Hispanic teens look outside.
Hispanic teen #1: You can't see the Eiffel Tower from here?
They continue looking for a good twenty seconds.
Hispanic teen #2: That shit's in Paris, yo!
--F train
Overheard by: Daniel Radosh
There's Plenty of Amateur Farmers Around to Help
Girl #1: Oh my God, look at that lady.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Titty drip!
Girl #2: Oh my God. Go home and milk yourself.
--19th & 5th
It's Wednesday One-liners, Baby
Teen girl on cell: ...you just gotta sit him down and say we're both pregnant by him and we wanna know if we can get along!
--Canal Street
JHS boy: Let's make like a fetus and head out.
--Broadway & Washington Place
Drunk girl: How could I be pregnant? I like women!
--Times Square
Thug on cell: Nigga, how you been? Shit, I had five kids since I last seen you!
--Elizabeth & Prince
Guy on cell: Do we have to wash you and shave you and put a diaper on you before tonight?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: djlindee
Wednesday One-liners
Girl on cell: I shit you not, it was a small studio apartment converted into a four bedroom on the 6th floor.
--47th & 9th
Fat suit on cell: How many people play the drums in Poland, really?...What? Wow. Cool. Well, plenty of time to practice I guess.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Max T-M
MTV chick: When I used to read, I went from the last chapter to the first.
--MTV cafeteria
Hipster: They're always on the same train, so the first time you give them money, then remember your face. Every time you get on the train after that, they'll follow you around. It's like having your own 6-foot pet!
--1 train
Overheard by: spike
Have a Cracktastic Weekend, New York
Guy #1: Are you on crack?
Guy #2: No...
Guy #1: Man, you're wearing like five jackets. You're telling me you're not on crack?
--31st & 8th
Man: So I said, "Bitch, I'll buy you weed, but you want crack go get it yourself!"
--125th & Park
Woman: I'm not a crackhead. I'm a crack user. There's a difference.
--Smith & 9th station
Overheard by: Paul Ford
Boy #1: Damn, almost be fallin' in the tracks.
Boy #2: Dog, you know when you're on crack you shouldn't play by the track.
--96th Street 6 station
Overheard by: Eric Barthels
It Was Fully Loaded with Junk in the Trunk
Girl #1: I asked for liposuction for graduation.
Girl #2: Where?
Girl #1: In my ass.
Girl #2: Did you get it?
Girl #1: No. But I'm happy with the car.
--The Equitable Building, Broadway & Pine
Overheard by: Fletch
Those Meals Aren't Quite McHalal
Hobo: Help me out, get me something to eat.
Girl: Can I buy you something from the deli?
Hobo: No...I can't eat anything from there. I'm gonna get a Happy Meal. See, I pray seven times a day. Yeah, we Muslims can't eat anything from there. Can you spare some change so I can get a Happy Meal?
Girl: No.
--Broadway & 92nd
Overheard by: Hannah Elka
I Sense a Coming Wacky Packages Sticker
Girl: Your breath is stinky.
Guy: Please. My breath is so fresh they should name a mint after it.
Girl: How about excre-mint?
--56th & 1st
cf. "Husband"
Boy: We're watching Pimp My Ride.
Man: What does "pimp" mean?
Boy: It's someone who owns women.
--Washington Square Village
My New Wife, Wednesday One-liners
Guy: Man, you think Lee Harvey Oswald had good aim? You should meet my wife.
--B train
Overheard by: Jess Issacharoff
Woman: Her bridal shower was her sweet sixteen.
--F train
Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!...What? You got married? But honey, you're gay!
--63rd & 3rd
Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e-mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve--we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e-mail from his wife and she was like, "Yo bitch, stay away from my husband." So I wrote back, "Don't e-mail me, e-mail your husband who's been cheating on you for two fucking years."
--33rd & Park
Teen girl: Yeah, he's really lonely since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lotion.
--Park Slope
Guy: Hey, how's my wife and your kids?
--55th & Madison
Overheard by: Matt
Man on cell: I ain't trying to see you nothin'. I want to marry you. I'm tellin you the truth. T-R-U-F-F. The Truth!
--Atlantic Avenue gas station
Overheard by: Megan
Gate agent: You need to listen to me. Don't listen to your wife. Your wife doesn't work here.
--Newark airport
Overheard by: jk
He's Still at HIV
Girl, 9: Is that your ADD talking?
Boy, 9: What? I don't have that disease!
Girl, 9: A-D-D doesn't spell AIDS!
--1/9 train
Overheard by: Nicole A.
Well Someone Did, Apparently
Old White man: I have never seen a mother treat a child in such a way.
Latina mother: Dude. You don't even want to fuck around with a crazy bitch from the Bronx.
--4/5 train
Overheard by: Taryn
If It's Invisible, Might As Well Make It a Cell
A hobo is talking into his hand as if it were a phone.
Hobo: Fuck that shit. I'm going dancing!
He hangs up his imaginary phone.
Hobo: Damn, that bitch talks too much.
--Staten Island ferry
Eat, Drink, Wednesday One-liners
British chick: I just solved my lunch problem, because I hate raw cheese.
--27th Street office
Guy: Bitch, you better give me back my donuts or I'll pull out your weave.
--Washington Heights
Overheard by: Vinson Guthreau
Guy: Nothing like going to Chuck E. Cheese to make you start drinking again.
--82nd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: JY
Lady: This is a yuppie McDonald's. It's all middle class people here.
--McDonald's, 47th Street
Overheard by: Christa Bramberger
As a Brooklyn Brewery delivery truck passed a toddler on the sidewalk yelled: I love beer!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: tee sul
Bartender: If the Burp Castle ever closes it means the death of classical music in New York.
--Burp Castle bar, E. 7th Street
Guy on cell: Is this like that time where Laura told me that cat food was Lucky Charms?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Cynthia
He'll Know It When He Starts Crying During Sex
Chick #1: That one guy's kinda cute, but I think he's gay.
Chick #2: Yeah, but I don't think he knows it yet. Go for it.
--Fat Black Pussy Cat, W. 3rd Street
Overheard by: Djlindee
"Not as sweet. I sure could use a RIGHT CLICK BUTTON."
A woman noisily bites into an apple, opposite a guy typing on his iMac laptop. She says: Mine's delicious, how's yours?
--A train
They Walked--A Lot
Chick: I can never understand how Native Americans stayed in such great shape, and still smoked as much as they did.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: m-co
So That's Where David Horowitz Went
Ranting woman: We should be boycotting products from all those big corporations like Microsoft, and General Motors, and Nike, and--
Hobo: Shut the fuck up before the corporation gets to you and tortures you to death.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Ting
I Think That Kid Was Flirting
Teacher: Settle down! You three are always running around like you're in a parade or something!
Goofus: Mister, you're your own gay pride parade.
--R train
They Know Not What They Do...or Say
Guy #1: I don't care about the goddamn pope anymore! What is it, it's on the front page of every paper. Who cares?
Guy #2: I know, he's going to die in a few years anyway.
--20th & 7th
Overheard by: Tom
Classy Wednesday One-liners
Dowager: I'll take a Swiss cock, please. That looks good.
--Bakery, 58th & 7th
Man on cell: That stuff was too expensive. Why don't I just buy one of those cheap necklaces on the street and you can put in a blue boz and say it was from Tiffany's.
--57th & 5th
Overheard by: Angie
Preppy: Hey Dave, put another beer in this cooze!
--Blind Tiger Ale House, Hudson Street
Are You Ready for the Sex, Wednesday One-liners?
Guy on cell: Of course I hate her! However, that's not gonna stop me from fucking her.
--Park Slope
Girl: Your mouth is warm. Lick my face.
--Forest Hills
Overheard by: Sara R.
Man on cell: I don't see what the big deal was. It was only a blowjob.
--Greene Street between Spring & Prince
Wednesday One-liners are for the Dogs
Guy: Golden retrievers are beautiful animals. If I were a golden retriever, I would be so vain!
--Shade, Sullivan Street
Guy on cell: Oh, you want a doggy treat? When I get home I'll give you a big fat bone.
--34th & 8th
Woman: Peter! Dog poop is not a toy!
--CPW & 65th Street
Overheard by: Johnathan
More Like "You Need to Come Out"
Sorority girl #1: How are things going with him?
Sorority girl #2: Okay, I guess. I mean, his favorite band is the Smiths, so I'm like "you need to get out of 1999, dude."
--Blue Ribbon bakery, Downing Street
Overheard by: Adam Graham
Wednesday One-liners
Lady: Girl, or all the hairs growin' out of my face, I'd take your wart in a second.
--Bally Sports Club, Madison & 43rd
Overheard by: Heather Hunter
Trendy boy: God, I feel so bad farting next to all these really expensive cars.
--Jacob Javits Center
Overheard by: Lindsay
Dude on cell: ...so I got into this fight last night and totally whaled on the dude...totally kicked his ass! His nose was bleeding and everything!....OK, I'll see ya later. Peace.
--Coffee Shop, Union Square West
A Bird in Hand is Worth Two in the Bush
Paparazzo: So you two are really pretty, have you ever done any modeling?
Dutch girl #1: Ha ha ha, not me, maybe her.
Dutch girl #2: No, I am studying history at home.
Paparazzo: You really should consider it, there is great money in it and I would love to help you get started.
Dutch girl #2: Sounds interesting...what type of modeling?
Paparazzo: Well, nude sells the best. We can go over to my place and discuss it.
Dutch girl #1: Great!
Dutch girl #2: Maybe you can take some of us together.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Stephanie Nally
Once Again: Nothing Tastes as Good as Thin Feels
Well-dressed girl #1: You know what?
Well-dressed girl #2: What?
Well-dressed girl #1: Throwing up at work really isn't as bad as it seems.
--Prince Street
Chick #1: ...so, I got these laxatives.
Chick #2: Did you take them?
Chick #3: No, but I never eat. I have, like, one orange a day.
--Columbus Circle
Girl: It might be time for anorexia.
--Columbia University gym
Overheard by: djlindee
A woman can be heard vomiting in the bathroom.
Maitre d': Did she drink too much or is she just watching her weight?
--Pastis, 9th Avenue
Overheard by: Initials
"If I was you, I'd give me a dollar."
Hobo: Please man, can I have 25 cents? It's to eat, ya know...
Man: Here you go. But if I was you, I'd eat something else.
--Hylan Boulevard, Staten Island
Overheard by: Helniev
Laina and Nathan (A NYC Short Story)
Man: Why'd you read all my email?
Woman: I only did it once.
Man: Yeah, right. You mentioned whether I wrote to Barry about that girl from Canada out of the blue, where'd that come from?
Woman: Why would I lie?
Man: It's against the law. You violated me. I'd never do that to you.
Woman: You'd do it.
Man: No.
Woman: You don't get it.
Man: I do.
Woman: Here, read my email.
Man: No.
Woman: Read mine!
Man: Laina, no!
Woman: "I liked the way you touched me after yoga class--"
Man: Laina, it was a joke!
Woman: It's not funny.
Man: It was a joke.
Woman: You fucked her! And what about Match.com girl? You gave her your home email.
Man: Please. When was this?
Woman: January. What is that? You want to screw other people? Why is that?
Man: Laina...it was a joke.
Woman: Oh, and what about this? "I love the way your long hair shakes down onto my chest. I will have to repay you soon."
Man: I didn't pay her a dime.
Woman: Two weeks later you went with me and my family to the Vineyard.
Man: You have every right to be upset. It was once, honey!
Woman: You told me you loved me!
Man: It was a joke.
Woman: You don't joke like this with someone you used to fuck and still likes you.
Man: I didn't fuck her.
Woman: She still likes you.
Man: Laina.
Woman: You're sick, Nathan! You hear me?! You're just sick!
--Cafe Pick Me Up, Avenue A
Overheard by: Gideon Wallace
Moms Love Wednesday One-liners
Pregnant chick: You know when I pop this bitch out it is on. Get me a drink!
--2/3 train
Mother: Come here. You're seven years old and you can't fasten your own shoelaces? No more video games for your black ass.
--W. 53rd & 10th
Overheard by: James Shannon
Queer: You know, she sent her children to England, so they'd learn how to pronunciate words correctly.
--Angelo's, 55th Street
Because Old People Dying is a New Phenomenon
Old Guy #1: Oh, he's probably dead. That other guy too. What was his name?
Old Guy #2: And his friend, that writer. Haven't seen him around either.
Old Guy #1: Do you remember that guy that used to play chess with you?
Old Guy #2: Yeah.
Old Guy #1: I just found out he's dead too.
Old Guy #2: The city's changing.
--9th St. between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Alex Romanovich
Let Me Guess: "Great Personality"
Girl #1: She always has this miserable look about her.
Girl #2: Dude, that's just her face.
Girl #1: Ew.
--Lincoln Center
Whatever Happened to Debbie Gibson?
Middle aged guy: So she makes six figures, she's 40, and she lives at home with her mother?
Middle aged woman: Can you believe it? She has a son, too, but he lives on his own. Can you fucking believe that?
Middle aged guy: Jesus!
--2 train
Overheard by: Mike Sidoti
Your Mobile Is Kind of Crappy
Girl in stall: Oh, shit, I dropped my phone in the toilet!
The phone rings.
Girl in stall: And how the hell am I supposed to answer that now?!
--2nd Ave Deli bathroom
Overheard by: Rue Silver
Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: ...but don't worry; us Republicans know what you're up to!
--Sullivan & W. 3rd
Woman on cell: Uh huh...yeah...right...uh huh...uh huh...the one you thought was underwear...uh huh...right...
--Lincoln Center
Girl on cell: I am so not dressed for a strip club!
--Times Square
Saccharine Might Be Better for Her
Woman in leggings: What the fuck is this shit? You gonna hand me three motherfucking sugar packets? Do you have any idea how big this coffee is?
Cashier: We don't put sugar in your coffee. Sugar packets are on the counter.
Woman in leggings: Listen, my boyfriend's a cop. And he owns, like, three Dunkin' Donuts franchises. What do you mean you won't put sugar in my fuckin' coffee? I want to speak to the manager.
Manager: Excuse me, but I heard you. There are sugar packets on the counter. Take as many as you like.
Woman in leggings: You guys are total assholes.
--Dunkin' Donuts, 96th & Broadway
Overheard by: ProcrastYNate
Readers: Answer This Mindboggling Question
JAP: Didn't it fall down back in the early nineties too?
--Ground Zero
Tweedledum and Tweedleretarded
Girl #1: That's a really nice tweed.
Girl #2: Oh, thanks. Wow.
Girl #1: Seriously, it's amazing.
Girl #2: Yeah, I was really lucky.
--30th & 5th
Bill Gates is the new Brad Pitt
Martha Stewart is on a tabloid cover.
Hipster: Did you know she's now on that Forbes list?
Sunglasses at night girl: The one with rich people?
Hipster: Yes.
Sunglasses at night girl: She's not even a movie star.
--Key Foods, Williamsburg
The Original Playa
Old woman: Did you see this play?
Old man: Yes.
Old woman: Well, do you know who the father of the baby is?
Old man: Well, I know it wasn't me.
--59th & Park
Seems Like More of a Gustav Klimt Conversation
Woman: So ummm, what do you think about this painting?
Man: I can't believe you said I kiss exactly like my brother!
Woman: I love Monet, he uses such vivid colors...
Man: Yuck, now it feels like I've kissed my brother as well!
--The Met
More Like Making Babies
Two women are waiting for the bathroom.
Woman #1: They've been 20 minutes in there, all you need to do is rip down your underwear and you're done, it's not difficult!
Woman #2: Yeah, are they, like, having babies in there?
--Barnes & Noble, 5th Avenue
Homeless Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: Anyone have any spare change or medicine for lice?
--Christopher St. station
Overheard by: Matthew Dyke
Hobo: Excuse me, excuse me, sir, do you have change for a 12?
--West 4th Street
Singing hobo: I just spilled, I just spilled, I just spilled my blackberry brand-ayyyy.
--14th St. & 6th Ave.
Overheard by: wayne mitchell
Readers: Answer this Big Question
Guy on cell: What, you thought they were going to let fat people into the club?
--N train
Especially Those With Gynecomastia
White Guy: White people can't dance.
White Girl: I'm white and I can dance.
White Guy: Yeah, but you have tits. Anyone with tits looks good when they dance.
--Happy Ending, Chinatown
Locate Wednesday One-liners
Guy on cell: I'm at Avenue of the Americas and...Little Brazil Street.
--W. 46th Street & 6th Avenue
A woman in a stupid fleece hat says to her friends, also in stupid fleece hats: This is my backyard when I'm not at the house!
--Central Park, 5th & 59th
Overheard by: Kat Martinez
A Wealth of Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: Folks, help me out. I am trying to get my rotor blade fixed on my helicopter!
--W. 10th and 7th Ave
Overheard by: Alex Wipf
Connecticut woman: It was such a joke among my friends; I was always going out with artists or unemployed people...which I guess is the same thing.
--Cuppa Cuppa, East Village
Readers: Answer This Eternal Question
Chick: So you think that by you comin' at me all gangsta you gonna get my pussy?
--6 train
Overheard by: brian
"...you can't be tried as an adult, so shoot to kill."
Boy, 7: Who's that guy again?
Mom: Which one?
Boy, 7: Subway.
Mother: Bernard Goetz.
--B48 bus
Wednesday One-liners, Matchmaking
Player: Yo, I ain't banged a fat bitch in a while.
--Broadway & Astor Place
Big woman: He looks like a bean...he has no ass!
--Kate Spade, Broome St.
Overheard by: wermice
Advanced Calculus Gets You Some Pee in the Mouth
HS girl: Man, this school is a ho!
Security guard: Yeah, and you gotta learn how to trick it right to get what you want out of it.
--Bread & Roses High, Harlem
"...yeah, so I slapped his wife for good luck."
Guy on cell: ...so then he just punched me, yeah! Just punched me right in the face. Well I figured I oughta get dressed and leave her room, yeah, he was pissed...No, she's his only kid.
--Empire State Building
Now If Only They Could Find Dahmer, Manson and the Unabomber
Teen #1: ...yeah, so now Saddam Hussein's on trial or whatever, and like--
Teen #2: Whoa, whoa! They captured Saddam Hussein?! When did this happen?!
Teen #1: Like a year ago, dumbass. Jeez you're slow. Anyway--
--1/9 34th St. Station
They Managed to Shift Him to Screwing the Elderly
Man: I never met a necrophiliac, but my friend met one at Bellevue.
--La Grolla, UWS
Don't Go Past the Sale
Old Man: They have salads here. Next time we should just come early and eat here.
Old Lady: Okay, we could try that next time.
Old Man: They have Caesar salads, and cobb salads, and pasta salads--
Old Lady: That sounds good. We'll try it next time.
Old Man: --they have California salads, and tuna salads, and--
Old Lady: Okay, Harvey! We'll eat here next time!
Old Man: ...they have sandwiches, too.
--Avery Fischer Hall
Overheard by: Heather
"...and my identical sister goes to AMDA."
Drunk: You are here all the time! How are you here all the time? I come in at 2PM, you're here. I come in at 5PM, you're here. You are always here! When do you sleep?
Cashier: I am a twin.
--Park Slope bodega, 5AM
"Then we had New Year's in March."
Guy: I've been to Germany twice because I have a friend who's from there. I went to Oktoberfest, but it was in June.
Hans: They had Oktoberfest in June? It must have been just for you...American tourists.
--25th St. & 3rd Ave.
The Persistence of Irony
A tourist woman examines Dali's masterpiece and comments: Oh hey, this is supposed to be famous, but I can't remember why.
--MoMA
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Here's One for the Dorks
A fanboy brings up a mini-bust to the register.
Fanboy: Is this the last one?
Comic book guy: Mxyzptlk*? Yeah, I think so.
Fanboy: Bat-mite too?
Comic book guy: We might have more in the warehouse, but not here.
Fanboy: I'll take them.
Comic book guy: We don't charge extra for the dust.
--Cosmic Comics, E. 23rd St.
*Although he should have known better, he pronounced it Mixle-plick instead of the correct Mix-yez-pittle-ick.
Most New York Conversation Ever
Dude #1: I want a new printer but they're too expensive.
Dude #2: Yeah, I know what you mean. I want to find a good cheap one.
Homeless busybody: Cheap?! That's why you're a fucking Jew!
Dude #2: Actually I'm not Jewish, but I'm glad you're homeless!
--W. 4th St.
Seminal Wednesday One-liners
Hip Hop Guy on cell: I'll just keep my nuts shaved and everything'll be fine.
--Varick Street
Coffee guy on phone: I'm not talking about whacking off, I'm talking about fried chicken!
--Alt.coffee, Avenue A
Overheard by: Dibson Hoffweiler
Wednesday One-liners
Drunk Guy: That girl's tits are huge! And it's snowing!
--Fordham
A man on a tandem bicycle turns to the woman on it and says: You know, it's remarkable just how much like weddings funerals actually are.
--Varick Street
Overheard by: Sparkle Shortz
It's All Greek to Me
Businessguy: It's a small world.
Businesschick: Especially in Astoria!
Businessguy: Ha, ha, ha!
Businesschick: Hee, hee.
--Midtown office
Only in New York and Only in Her
Cum slut: I thought the spermicide would take the sperm away. But it stayed in there and just got itchy. And burns.
--Ginger, Ave. A
Overheard by: Tibbie X
But They'll Never Spread For You
Guy: Lady, you got great legs.
Lady: I'm a lesbian!
Guy: Okay, you're a lesbian who got great legs.
Lady: Oh...well, thanks.
--57th & Park
Overheard by: Heather
Other Side Effects Include Dizziness, Upset Stomach...
Hipster: I went to a Polish beauty pageant last night in Brooklyn. It totally blew my brains apart.
--Williamsburg
New Yorkers: Sticking Together
A cashier hands a girl her change.
Girl: Excuse me, but can you give me another 20 dollar bill? This one looks counterfeit.
The cashier takes the bill, examines it, and puts it back in the register. He gives her another bill.
Girl: Thanks. I just didn't want that one, you know? It didn't have the stripe down it. It looked too new. It just didn't look right. So don't give it to me; just give it to the guy behind me or something.
--Bagel Maven, 7th Avenue
We Call It "Little Israel"
Guy: So you guys are Jewish?
Girl: Yeah, why?
Guy: Are you from Brooklyn? I live there now, and there are a lot of Jewish people there.
Girl: No, we're from Staten Island.
Guy: Oh. Are there a lot of Jewish people there?
--Finnerty's, Union Square area
Overheard by: Becka Dash
Another Dot-com Victim
Into an unplugged phone, a hobo yells: Honey, honey, I told you not to call me in the office!
--LES
Most Polarizing Overheard Ever
Fratboy #1: Can she bring some of her friends?
Fratboy #2: You don't want to meet her friends.
Fratboy #1: Why?
Fratboy #2: I don't know, they're...
Fratboy #1: They're fat, right?
Fratboy #2: Yeah.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Josh Caldwell
Unlike All Other Cultures, Which Are a Product of Our Country
Bimbo: So are you ever going to move back to Europe?
Eurotrash: I was thinking about that a couple of times when I was really, really depressed in LA. American culture is such a product of the country.
--Soho
They Speak Portuguese in Spain, You Know
Yuppie #1: I only went to Brazil for a month, but on my third day there I met her.
Yuppie #2: Women in South America are so hot. Especially Brazil and Spain.
--Belgian Beer Bar, Greenwich Village
Then Why Am I Laughing?
Club Promoter: Do you guys like comedy shows?
Chicks: No!
Club Promoter: That wasn't funny.
--34th & 7th
Or a blind Venetian, more likely
Woman: He's so horny he'd fuck a venetian blind.
--Starbucks, UES
Making the Worst Kind of Deposit
A trader is on his cell while on the toilet.
Trader: Is there a time-frame here?
Through the stall is heard the response.
Trader #2: If you see sudden movements, we'll know it's time.
--Trading floor bathroom, Park Avenue Plaza
Overheard by: Aaron H.
I Was Channeling Lynda Lopez, Myself
The music stops.
Hoochie: What happened? I was totally channeling J. Lo! Ah, whatever. I do what I want.
--Delancey Lounge, LES
Has "Fruit" Been Reclaimed Yet?
Dad: So what did you learn in school today?
Son: Ummm...a tomato is a fruit.
Dad: What? A tomato is a fruit?
Son: Yeah, cause it has seeds.
Dad: You're telling me a tomato is a fruit? Is a pumpkin a fruit?
Son: Yeah, they have seeds.
Dad: What about a cucumber, is that a fruit?
Son: No.
Dad: What about a squash? A zucchini? You know what I think? I think you're the fruit!
Son: No, I don't have seeds.
Dad: ...I'm not going there.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Rehey
Does FHM Give You Hep-A, Too?
Maxim staff #1: Yeah, we're going to make you walk around in a plastic bubble or something.
Maxim staff #2: ...NO, that is not THE RIGHT KIND of herpes!
Maxim staff #3: Is there a RIGHT kind of herpes?
--Midtown elevator
Is There a Right Answer to This?
Gay man: Have you ever smelled your ass, after you buttfuck?
--18th & 6th
Overheard by: Dana
I Think I'm The Old 28...
Man: 40 is the new 30; my teacher said that. She said 12 is the new 11. But she used to say 11 was the new 10.
--St. Mark's Place
So Shut the Fuck Up Already
Girl: Later at night, my tongue gets sore because I've been playing with it so much.
--St. Mark's Place
Kids Say the Stupidest Things
Two boys were playing on a fire escape.
Boy #1: Okay. Now I'll be the policeman, and you be the fireworks on Coney Island.
--Windsor Terrace
Straightlines without Punchlines
Young woman: You need to get a car so you can take my kitty cat to the vet.
--Starbucks, 71st & Broadway
Overheard by: Zvi Mowshowitz
Super-size Me, Mr. Bond
Daughter: You're always humming that McDonalds song.
Mother: Huh?
Daughter: You know..."da da da da da I'm loooovin' it."
Mother: No, honey. Goldfinger. *Ba ra ba rum*
Daughter: Oh.
--Central Park
No One Invited Me
Woman: Something got stuck in my sinuses, then it went down my spine and had a party.
--BBQ, UWS
A New York Moment
A woman has a chihuahua in her purse. An old man enters the train.
Old man: Cute dog. Do you take him everywhere?
Woman: Uh huh. We saw Spider-man yesterday.
Old man: You saw Spider-man yesterday?
Woman: Yeah.
Old man: How did you like it?
Woman: Oh, you know. It is what it is.
Old man: Not that great, huh? Ha, ha. Well, take care.
The man leaves the train. The woman looks down at her dog.
Woman: That was weird.
--V Train
Straightlines without Punchlines
Man (to hipstress): You should get a tattoo of Ben Franklin.
--22nd & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Matt Law
A cheap Jew? No...
Middle-aged man, into his cell phone: It's an oneg-shabbat. It's just a big dinner where everyone can meet each other and talk. It's only a few hundred dollars for you to sponsor it. [pause] Well, it's really not a dinner. It's just some fruit and plates for people to pick at.
-- Midtown
The dirtiest song ever
Female Hipster, singing: Boom boom boom, let's go back to my room...
Male Hipster: I remember when that song came out--that was the dirtiest song imaginable!
-- Lolita
I Think He's Going to Propose!
Chick: Where are we going?
Guy: The Junction.
Chick: Why are we going to the Junction?
Guy: Because you're a loser. Because you question me.
--D Train
That's an Order
20-something woman: You're going to worship my mother when you meet her.
Man: I will?
Woman: Yes. Because I do.
-- Pizzeria, Boerum Hill
2+3=4?
Guy: It seems like the first couple of seasons of the Sopranos were exciting, but the last few have been boring.
--D Train
Go Granddaddy!
Black man: "And he kept on beating up niggers until he was 37!"
-- On the Subway
Leeds, are you sure?
Man in a thick British accent: There isn't a town of Leeds in England. I'm from the CITY of Leeds.
-- Opening night party for an off-Broadway show in Link
Where are the Jewish Girls?
Gentile Yuppie: When I was in the synagogue, all of these girls kept on coming up to me and trying to pick me up--but they were all Jewish!
Without a Yarmulke
Young Yuppie: You're such a third-generation American Jew.
-- 6th Avenue, West Village
Yuppie Fantasies
Young Woman #1: I have to go to this "dungeon" for my Sexual Psychology class. Do you want to come?
Young Woman #2 in her mid-twenties: Is it like an S&M thing?
Young Woman #1: I don't know. It's like they act out different sexual
fantasies with whips and stuff.
Young Woman #2: OK, that sounds cool.
-- Upper East Side
The New York Marginalized
Columbia University student #1: The most marginalized group on campus are the college Republicans
Columbia University student #2: No, it's the Christians
-- Private get-together of Columbia students, East Village
But aren't they the same anyway?
Man in a full-length fur coat: "I'm a socialist monarchist. I believe in helping the people, but the people can't help themselves."
-- W 83rd Post Office
Overheard Advice
Guy #1: So I'm not sure what to do.
Guy #2: If you want to know something from somebody, get them drunk.
--8th Street N/R Station
Fun with the Homeless
New York's Friendliest Hobo: Your hair looks nice. MISS! YOUR HAIR LOOKS GOOD!
--Midtown
Overheard by: Megan Buckley
Don't Need No Crystal Ball
Girl: I'm going to do voodoo on her.
Guy: Is she black?
Girl: Yeah. The thing is that whatever you do comes back three times against you, so I'm going to have to do santeria to take it off.
--W Train
Hobo Fun
Touchingly Humorous Bum: Yo, what are you doing in my house? You assholes! You don't knock, you don't wipe your feet. You're so rude. I'm just kidding. I'm not even homeless. I don't want to go home to my wife. She's 380 pounds. I gotta work full time and beg in my time off just to feed the bitch.
--A Train
Overheard by: Tibbie X
I'm Enjoying the Sodomy, Though
Gay #1: How is being gay going for you?
Gay #2: I don't really jibe with the culture.
Gay #1: Like what?
Gay #2: The music.
--7A Cafe, East Village
..And This is How They Undress
12 year old chick: You see? I told you! This is how the grown-ups dress.
--East Village
Methinks the Lady Doth Protest Too Much
Puerto Rican Teenager #1 in Williamsburg: "Hey, calling someone else gay means that you're gay!"
Puerto Rican Teenager #2: "Are you calling me gay? ARE YOU CALLING ME GAY? I'm not gay! Bring any woman out here right now, and I will fuck her in front of you all, in front of the world. Anyone. Do it, right now! I will show the whole world that I am not gay! Do you hear me? Do you hear me? I AM NOT GAY!"
You know you're Not in New York when... (Part Twelve)
Man, in Los Angeles: Cialdini's Influence is the classic psychological book about how and why people are convinced.
Woman: Ah, I should read that so I can learn to convince myself of things.
...and you're the next douchebag
Hipster: Man, it's like...SoHo's becoming the next Williamsburg.
--SoHo
