Correct -- the Man Wins a Free Cavity Search!

TSA officer: You will be going through a metal detector. The key words here are 'metal' and 'detector.' Now, let's play a game called 'What Is My Metal Belt Buckle Made Of?' What is my belt buckle made of?
Male on line: Metal?!

--JFK Airport

Overheard by: Philly Blunt

That's Code for, "I'm Lost, Too"

Man: Excuse me, could you tell me where--
Biotech, interrupting: --Look, I don't have time to make up fake directions.

--W Broadway

Headline by: Trey Jackson

Runners-Up:
· "And This Rudeness Is Two Seconds Of My Life I'll Never Get Back" - Markle
· "And, Being a New Yorker, I Certainly Won't Give You Real Ones" - Yana
· "Mapquest's Employee Of the Month" - Claire
· "Or The Knowledge for Real Ones" - DIck
· "So Take a Left Over There" - emily bess
· "Take a Cab. Be Sure You Tell the Driver You're from Out Of Town." - jnr


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Gotta Put Food on the Table

Conductor: Look, people, stop leaning against the doors. It only makes you late to work. I ain't gonna to be late for work -- I'm at work.

--2 train

Dude to buddies: Shit, yeah, first we get the job, then we get the cayenne, then we get the girls!

--Prince St

Overheard by: 3 musketeers

Lady suit: We can't bring in an asshole. We tried that last year and it didn't work.

--45th & Lex

Barista: Yo, I like my schedule -- work, sleep, sleep at work, go home and smoke some blunts, some weed, sleep... You can't do that shit on a temp schedule.

--Starbucks

Conductor: This is 47th Street, Rockefeller Center. Home of Top of the Rock, the Rainbow Room... and your job.

--Rockefeller Center

I Heard about Those During One of My Free Hours in the Exercise Yard

College guy: So, what's the thing you like least about working here?
Brainwashed programmer: Geez, that's a hard one. I like just about everything here!
College guy: I see... Have you ever seen the movie Office Space?
Brainwashed programmer: No, I've never heard of it. Is that one of those YouTube things?

--Goldman Sachs recruitment lunch, Financial District

You Should Swim

Employee #1: So, if a nine-eleven happens, I need to stand across the park?
Employee #2: You gotta get away from tall buildings.
Employee #1: Hell, if a nine-eleven happens, I'm going to Long Island. Nobody cares about Long Island.

--Jamba Juice, 22nd & 5th

But I'm Really Just a Figurehead

Working man #1: You know, I don't like the refill scheme here.
Working man #2: You know, I'm the king of not giving a shit.

--39th & 8th

Let Me Rephrase That.

Trader #1: Is she ok with that price?
Trader #2: Yeah, we have a great relationship. She'll take it in the end.

--777 3rd Ave

You May Think So, but You'll Never Know until You Challenge Yourself

Man: Don't you want to go to the water?
Woman, wiping something off her arm with a napkin: No. I've had enough poop for today.

--Central Park South, between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: Victor

Plus, My AdSense Numbers Are Down

Office diva: You read my blog on lesbian wolf packs?
Office janitrix: Not yet.
Office diva: Gotta check it out. Shit's pretty intense.

--W 25th St

Take This Package Nowhere in Particular. Immediately!

Bike messenger: Well, the problem with being a bike messenger is that you have to make stops, 'cause if you don't make stops you don't make any money.
Newbie: Yeah.
Bike messenger: But if I find a gig where I don't have to stop and I still made money, man, I'll have it made.

--5th St & Ave A

Two Kamikaze Shots and a Marlboro Light

Male coworker #1: ... So she made 25 thousand dollars just for showing her tits.
Flashy blonde coworker pointing to her chest: Hey, for 25 thousand dollars they can have these tits.
Male coworker #2: How much just to look at 'em?

--Smith & Wollensky's restaurant

Overheard by: Big Larry

Overheard Everywhere

Occasionally, we leave New York and also overhear great quotes that we'd like to use on the site, which we haven't done when they're not in an Office or Beach. To encourage our eavesdropping, we've launched Overheard Everywhere - The Voice of the Rest (of the world outside of New York).

This site is a bit different than our others because, in addition to posting what we overhear ourselves and what our spies tell us, we will also link to the Best Of the other overheards on the Internet, on the hundreds of imitation overheard sites that have popped up -- so, if you or a friend of yours runs your own overheard site, tell us about it, and we'll read it daily and post and link to our favorites on your site, too.

Let us know what you think at hatemail@overheardinnewyork.com or lovemail@overheardinnewyork.com

Team Overheard

Not Any More

Employee pointing to wall: See the fire damage?
Tourist mom: Is this where you stash your weed?

--Cathedral of St. John the Divine

Overheard by: amused priest

Celebrity Wit

After four years of documenting the insights of the Unknown Man in the Street,
we're branching out and documenting the insights of the Celebrity, too. Let
us know what you think of our new site, Celebrity Wit, by e-mailing us at
hatemail@overheardinnewyork.com or lovemail@overheardinnewyork.com

Team Overheard

Stop Licking Him -- You Don't Know Where He's Been!

Six-year-old to guy stranger while hiding behind mother on cell: Hi.
20-something guy: Hello...
Six-year-old, grabbing guy's hand: Hi.
20 something guy, confused: Hello...
Six-year-old to mom: I picked one!
Mom: You picked what? No! I told you that you could pick out the stamps, not a person! Put him back!

--Post office

Overheard by: Put back

So Now She's Skinnier Than Me!

Tiny gym bunny: I've had a really hard past couple of years...
Gym guy: Really?
Tiny gym bunny: Yeah, last year my mom got breast cancer...
Gym guy: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Tiny gym bunny: Yeah, and to top it off, I got fat!
Gym guy: Pardon?

--Crunch Gym, 13th & Broadway

Please Let Go of Your Crotch, Larry

TV: 'It's official -- Hillary Clinton is running for the presidency...'
Secretary #1: You gonna vote for her?
Secretary #2: I don't know... I have to see who else is running.
Service associate: You think a woman can handle these 52 states? This is a big continent -- you think a woman can handle that?

--Montefiore Medical Center



Headline by: Jason

Runners-Up:
· "At least we knew Monica could handle a big load" - Roxi
· "I mean, really, Debbie could only handle Dallas." - Mikie
· "If she can't handle the small "jobs" at home..." - Kenneth
· "Men lying about size? Yeah, a woman can handle that." - bella


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

More of a Guideline, Really

Man #1: ... And sometimes you want to drink in the office.
Man #2: Yeah, I mean, sometimes -- why not? But that's a slippery slope.
Man #1: Well, the general rule of thumb is don't drink and trade.

--Elevator, World Financial Center

Overheard by: Walter Sobjzcek

Are You on Fire? We May Have a Position for You!

Corporate worker #1: Did you smell the gas leak this morning?
Corporate worker #2: No... Where was it? I didn't smell anything. I wish I was there. I would have lit a match on my clothes so I wouldn't have to quit my job.

--50th & Broadway

Overheard by: criska

Wait. Who Drives in New York?

Woman: I just felt it when I ran it over.
Coworker: Wait. An arm?
Woman: Yeah... I think maybe I moved into the wrong neighborhood.
Coworker: You ran over an arm?
Woman: Yup. It was severed just above the elbow.

--Office building elevator, 770 Broadway

I've Got to Go Whack Off

Coworker #1: I just found out what 'queef' means.
Coworker #2: You're on speakerphone.
Coworker #1: Queef, queef, queef, queef.

--Midtown office

Overheard by: Ruth

This week's Headline Contest

This week's Headline Contest: Here

He Dresses as a Postal Employee for Halloween

Little boy: Look, Mommy, that man is dressed up as the UPS man for Halloween!
UPS man: No, this is my life.

--Rockefeller Center Concourse

Overheard by: Micaela

Yeah But She Can Only Give You an I or a Y

Employee #1: Hey, look at this picture.
Employee #2: Yeah, she never would have made cheerleader if she had two legs.


Headline by: azione
Runners-Up:
· "Amputation is the New Anorexia" - Amanda
· "And they want to take away affirmative action?" - Holly G
· "But I'd Still TOTALLY Bang Her" - Jason
· "But her talent is obvious..." - fuel
· "Come on, Eileen" - Parker
· "Four legs good, two legs bad!" - Zomzom
· "From the McCartney - Mills Divorce Files" - Gimpy La Rue
· "How to lose those extra pounds to make the squad: amputation" - Sean McGurr
· "Kids will do anything to make the team" - Spin
· "Or a head." - Jeremiah Lewis
· "Playing the amputee card" - Mandaliet
· "She'd still be a virgin now too" - Sarah
· "Title IX didn't say they had to actually do the routines." - CityGirl
· "Tryouts were tough for the Special Olympics cheer squad." - John
· "We call her Tripod Betty" - Wendy
· "When Affirmative action goes too far" - Marv in DC
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

He and the Mattress Giant are Getting Married in Central Park

Male worker: He isn't here today.
Woman worker: But I need him!
Man worker: But Mr. Clean ain't here today!
Woman worker whining: When?
Man worker: Not today!

--Electra Building

Wednesday One-Liners Are All About the Benjamins

Fashionista: I'm not ready for a rich man.

--East Village


Woman: Yeah, he's got money. Like, when Michael Jackson tried to buy the Elephant Man? That kind of money. Giraffe money!

--Uptown 6 train


3-Year-Old: My daddy makes a lot of money so my mommy and me can live the life we want to live.

--Playground, DUMBO

Overheard by: grimrosary


Salesperson: Yeah, so he was like, "That's what it means to be rich. I can buy whatever makes me and my fiancé happy. I can buy her all the Harry Potter memorabilia that she wants."

--Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway

Overheard by: LSB


Wall-Street-Intern chick: So, if the weather is bad here in the Hamptons I may just fly to California or South Beach for the weekend. Hopefully nobody at work will need me because I may have to get a flight on Friday morning. You know, I have to do what's fiscally feasible for me...and by "me", I mean my parents.

--D train

Overheard by: I hope she reads this, and then dies...


Male customer to deli worker: Do you know where can I get a fake Rolex with counterfeit money?

--19th & 6th

Overheard by: Hobo Hank


Little girl, talking for a teddy bear with a stocking over its head, to another teddy bear: Give me all your money!

--Goodwill

Mickey Told Me the First One Was Free

Intern: Have you ever been to Disney World?
Employee: Yes, when I was 8. It was when I had my first cigarette.

--3rd Ave

A+

Teacher: What country do we live in?
First graders: New York!

--Blessed Sacrament School, 70th St

Overheard by: Fishy Ellie

I Hear This Is How Tom Paine Got Started

Drunk man: Where are all my taxes going?! To housing for people who can only make over $60,000 a year?! I don't wanna pay for a stadium! Mayor Bloomberg is an asshole! The elections are coming up, people!
Business guy: So why don't you run for office?
Drunk man: I ain't running for office! I want the people to know! The elections are coming up! Bloomberg is an asshole!
Business guy: And who'd you vote for?
Drunk man: I didn't vote! I was on parole!...I ain't on parole anymo'!

--Brooklyn bound J train

Overheard by: Cara

Now He Has 75 Comp Tickets For The Lake House

Guy: Yeah, they said that they didn't have a paycheck for me this week, but they could pay me in cheese.

--44th & 9th

Overheard by: Melanie

It's an Old David Copperfield Trick

Two 12 year olds knock into a business woman.

Woman: Don't you say excuse me?
12 year old #1: Shut the fuck up, bitch, 'cause I got my balls in your mouth.
Woman: But... but...
12 year old #2: Aww, bitch, you better shut up, 'cause he's got his balls in your mouth.

--uptown 4 train

Overheard by: DVI

Or When You Finally Found Your Birth Mom

Intern #1: Yeah, so they finally let me go watch bankruptcy court yesterday.
Intern #2: What was it like?
Intern #1: Everyone was black except me. It kind of felt like when I ride the subway at night.

--Grand Central


Overheard by: James

YOUR HEADLINE HERE, RELOADED

Put away your skewer jokes -- we've posted a new contest! Click here to read the entry and submit your headline. The winner of Monday's contest will be posted this coming Monday.

Winners of this and future contests will get a copy of the book Overheard in New York, signed by Morgan Friedman (until we run out).

Until My Message Is Heard

Assistant: Probably not, I don't see them as Miracle Whip people.
Boss: How many times do you have to tell that story?

--23rd & 6th


Overheard by: Dave

~YOUR HEADLINE HERE~

Starting today, Overheard in New York will be running regular headline contests. What you do: Click on the link at the top left of the site, read the headless entry, and let your brilliance unfold. What you get: Headline credit when the entry is posted, props from friends and coworkers, and a link to your blog (at our discretion).

Enought to Fill That Lithium Prescription?

Guy #1: I hate my job, my boss is a dick, and if he does not get off my back, I swear I'll blow that motherfucker up!
Guy #2: Quit
Guy #1: Oh yeah, man quess what? I just got a kick ass raise the other week.

--33rd & Lex

Some Comebacks Can't Be Improved Upon

Hipster: C'mon, there's another train, quit holding the doors. God.
Man squeezing past doors: Oh, shut the fuck up. I'm late for work. What are you late for? The vintage stores aren't even open yet.

--Uptown N train, Union Square

Wednesday One-liners Do It 9 to 5

Naked suit: You know, if you're a terrorist and you wanna get into a building, you should just say you're from Price Waterhouse or Ernst & Young. Nobody asks any questions.

--Vanderbilt YMCA, East 47th Street


Overheard by: Palaverist

Continue reading "Wednesday One-liners Do It 9 to 5"

Overheard in the Bookstore

January 31st sees the release of Overheard in New York, the book. There are apparently people out there who have lives and don't read websites; now they can see for themselves what this site we all love so much is all about.

The book is perfect subway reading, and makes a great gift for Chicks, Dudes, Old ladies, Tourist moms and Crazy guys. And unlike
almost every other website turned into a book, we weren't censored. You get the best of the best--and the worst of the worst!--as well as a bunch of quotes we saved especially for the print edition.

We're very excited and hope to make this an annual tradition. It'll be
like Zagat's, but with hobos. You can order it here.

--Morgan & Michael (and 4 pages of contributors!)

The Elves Call Her "Iron Claus"

Girl #1: What do you mean she fired you?
Girl #2: The bitch fired me.
Girl #1: You should write a story about her; she's fucked up and now you can show her.
Girl #2: I've been writing a book about her since last Christmas.
Girl #1: Oh?
Girl #2: Yeah, I'm pissed I'm going to lose material filler now.

--Times Square

Another Brilliant Brian Kinney Campaign

Ad guy #1: "Up Your Budget"? I don't get it.
Ad guy #2: It's for the rental car company.
Ad guy #1: But it makes you think of Up Your Butt. Is that the point? Budget wants people to think about stuffing things in their ass?
Ad guy #2: I don't know.
Ad guy #1: "Look at me, I'm stuffing things in my ass!" "We try harder, we're number two. We're stuffing things in our ass!"...Hertz!

--Madison & 50th


Overheard by: Kevin

That Means He Knows How to Get Women

Boss guy: I'll meet you at Seebo at 5:30.
Design guy: Um...I think it's pronounced "Chee-bo." C-I-B-O. It's Italian.
Boss guy: What do I know? I'm a Viking.

--Office, Hanover Square


Overheard by: R.S.

Wednesday One-liners Heart Tracey Gold

Office girl: I'm going to finish the rest of these balls then throw up.

--Office, Madison & 48th

Continue reading "Wednesday One-liners Heart Tracey Gold"

Like Twix, It's Two for Me, None for You

Tourist woman #1: I'd like to speak to a nun.
Receptionist lady: The nuns don't talk to the public. You can meet with a priest. He'll be available in an hour. Is anything wrong?
Tourist woman #1: We were going up for communion and the minister asked my friend if she was Catholic.
Receptionist lady: Is she Catholic?
Tourist woman #2: I'm Methodist. We take communion too.

-- St. Patrick's Cathedral Rectory


Overheard by: Traveler Bill

"...and I suspect the squirrels are Jewish."

Dude: Does the Parks Commission feed squirrels and pigeons?
Parks guy: No.
Dude: Why not?
Parks guy: Listen, I saw a pigeon drinking a Heineken the other day. I got no respect for pigeons.

--Madison Square Park

And When Did Rue McClanahan First Outsexy Her?

Girl #1: Today is Madonna's birthday!
Girl #2: 60th?

--Office, 47th & 5th

Do As I Say, Not As It's Possible to Do

President: ...and drop it off on the Upper West Side at 77th and 2nd.
Assistant chick: But that's the East Side, you mean--
President: No, the West side at seventy-seventh and 2nd!

--E. 33rd Street office