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... About the Last White House Christmas Party
Dude #1: Hey, how do you say 'brains' in German?
Dude #2: I don't know. Why?
Dude #1: I need it for that movie I'm making -- 'Nazi Zombies.'
--Barnes & Noble, 8th & 6th
Isn't That Queer?
British art guy: You know what I love about Americans?
American art guy: What's that?
British art guy: When I say the word 'fag,' they think I'm talking about smoking and not being homophobic. Even if I say, 'I want to ass-fuck that fag,' I can get away with it because I'm British.
--Soho
It's Art If I Say It Is, Damn It!
Girl: I can't believe you did that! Why would you erase one of my songs from my computer?
Boy: Because I hate Jack Johnson! Anyway, you've erased some of my art on the computer.
Girl: Do you mean those pictures you took of yourself scowling with no shirt on?
--13th & Ave A
Overheard by: Lark
I'm Told That Work Is Also an Excellent Distraction
Hipsterette #1: I just don't know what to do!
Hipsterette #2: Just be an artist, baby. Paint it out. Paint all your emotions out.
--S 1st & Havemeyer, Williamsburg
It's Too Hard Pretending to Be Who I Already Am
Metrosexual: Have you gone to that hair salon I told you about?
Scruffy artist: I walked by...
Metrosexual: It's beautiful.
Scruffy artist: I can't go in. It's too hipster.
Metrosexual: No! It's anti-hipster.
Scruffy artist: Well, I can't do the cultural math.
--Ft Greene apartment building lobby
A Tranny in the Clam Is Worth Two in the Tush
Artsy 30-something #1: I remember this one photograph -- this beautiful transsexual Latino in a clam like the Venus de Milo.
Artsy 30-something #2: Yes, I actually helped organize that picture.
Artsy 30-something #1: Oh, really? How was she?
Artsy 30-something #2: Beautiful. She lactated.
Artsy 30-something #1: Nice.
--Tea & Sympathy
Overheard by: No milk in my tea, thanks....
Headline by: bri b
Runners-Up:
· "HeShe's a Lactina." - Amanda Lee
· "Out of her penis." - Kate
· "Wait until you see my menstrating Pieta" - Sean McGurr
· "We named it Penis de Milko" - Erez Schatz
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Post-Painterly Wednesday One-Liners
Student: I didn't describe the sculpture, I just said that the combination of her and Weird Al inspired me.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Haley
Woman: I'm not really into the whole modern art thing -- I just don't like it.
--MoMA
Confused foreign professor: Monet and Picasso are famous painters. George Bush is not.
--NYU
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor
Man to woman after they make out: The problem is, if you're an artist today and you take a picture of a guy jumping off a bridge in Paris, no one's going to care.
--Armory Art Fair
JAP: So, are these the real Monets?
--The Met
Overheard by: Charlie Nicholson
Being a Dick Is What Makes His Tables Great
Man pointing at table: Oh, look -- a Nagashima.
Woman: I hate George Nagashima. [Seeing the table] But I love his tables!
--International Art and Design Fair
Damn It, I'm Never Gonna Get Back to My Birth Weight
Anorexic dancer #1: Dude, so I only have to lose like, twelve more pounds.
Anorexic dancer #2: No way! I'll never get cast in the workshop performance if I don't break one hundred.
Anorexic dancer #1: Yeah, you should just give up now.
--School of American Ballet
Imagine a World Where Blondes Understand Things Asian Violinists Can't Grasp
Girl with violin case: I asked Weijing and she said it was OK.
Hag with eye tick: She must not have understood you. She's not blond, you know. She's Chinese.
Girl with violin case: Um, I'm pretty sure she understood me.
--Juilliard
Isn't That From Dr. Seuss's 'I Don't Like Penis Made of Glass/ I Do Not Like It in My Ass'?
Younger woman: Have you seen any of the Chihuly glass?
Elderly woman: Yes, it looks like penises with diseases!
--New York Botanical Garden, the Bronx
Behind the Laughter: Obscenities and Addiction
Balloon-Twisting clown: Ha ha! What are you, some kind of fucking gypsy?
Face painter dressed as gypsy: Do you want a fucking cigarette or what?
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: I quit, but that juggler looks like he could
She Had to Fake It Until His Bar Mitzvah
30's artist-type woman #1: Ok, so he was a decade younger. But I have an excuse!
30's artist-type woman #2: His penis excused his age?
30's artist-type woman #1: Well, I think it grew a half inch per year since the day he was born.
--9th & Bedford, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lauren
It Wasn't Work, It Was an Audition
Guy #1: You look really familiar to me; what do you do?
Guy #2: I'm an actor, poet, musician...
Guy #1: No...Did you ever work at Bloomingdale's?
Guy #2: ...Yes.
--Astoria
Wednesday One-liners Face It
Photographer lady: They didn't de-jowl him, which surprised me.
--Once Upon a Tart, Sullivan Street
Overheard by: Sara T.
That's Just Sucking Up to the Barber
Guy: So after my reading, one of the actors was being all nice to me, and wanting to hang out, whatever. I thought he was just being friendly, but then I found out from my friend that in acting school they tell you to do that.
Girl: Do what?
Guy: You know, hook up with up and coming playwrights and directors, so you have contacts. Come to think of it, all my actor friends started being nicer to me after my reading. You guys should be sucking up, too.
Girl: I like your hair.
--105th & 5th
Choreography in One Lesson
Girl: The problem is her butt isn't on his neck while she's spinning around his head.
Boy: Well, she needs to arch her back more. Problem solved. Did you do the crossword?
--Juilliard cafeteria
A Wealth of Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: Folks, help me out. I am trying to get my rotor blade fixed on my helicopter!
--W. 10th and 7th Ave
Overheard by: Alex Wipf
Connecticut woman: It was such a joke among my friends; I was always going out with artists or unemployed people...which I guess is the same thing.
--Cuppa Cuppa, East Village
Oh, Snap! Secretly Served!
Loser: You know what's funny? I'm actually more creative when I have thumbnails.
Artist (overhearing him, under her breath): Then you're not that creative.
--Holiday Markets, Union Square
Getting Served Left and Right
Teen subway dancer: Why you opening your mouth? No one's talking to you.
Kid subway dancer: That's why I got a mouth. So I can talk.
Teen subway dancer: I don't like nosey niggers.
Kid subway dancer: At least I don't sleep outside!
--D Train
Hey, It Works With All Three Definitions!
Artist: Where are you from?
Tourist: Israel.
Artist: Shalom.
--SoHo
