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So Close I Got Squeezed out and Ended up Here
Worker: So, where are you from?
Asian guy: Ummm, Fresh Meadows, Queens.
Worker: No, really, where are you from? Like, overseas?
Asian guy: Taiwan.
Worker: Oh. How do you say 'Hi'?
Asian guy: Ni hao.
Worker: That's like the same as Chinese right?
Asian guy: Yeah.
Worker: Is it because the countries are really close?
--OMG store, Soho
Overheard by: Larry Liou
I Tune Out When I Hear "Paris Hilton," Too
Asian guy #1: Paris Hilton. When you're walking out of an elevator and you see Paris Hilton, it's like you're starstruck.
Asian guy #2: Yeah. [They exit.]
Middle-aged woman: Yadda, yadda, yadda.
--Elevator, 34th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rita and Laura
So His Puppetmasters Would Have Us Believe
Asian chick #1: Don't the Democrats want war?
Asian chick #2: Ummm... What?!
Asian chick #1: Oh... Wait... George Bush is a Republican?!
--Queens College
Overheard by: Sharon Sloan
You're Very Polite for a White Devil
Little white boy: Trick or treat?
Asian employee: Here you go.
Little white boy: Thank you, Chinese! Thank you, Chinese!
--Saint Alps Teahouse
Not in the Same Way That You Have One, Though
Young Asian man to Asian woman with baby, while touching baby's foot: She is so soft. Does she have bones yet?
Asian mom: Yes, she has bones!
--L train
Overheard by: Lisa
I Thought That Was Self-Pity
Asian girl: If you had a dick, do you think it would be big? I think mine would be big.
Irish girl: You're, like, four-foot-eleven! How big could it be?
Asian girl: Oh, it would be big. What about you? Would your dick be big?
Irish girl: No.
Asian girl: But you're tall! And you have big feet!
Irish girl: It's the Irish curse.
--4th & 8th
Overheard by: knows what she means
Why There Are So Many Chubby Lesbians
Hot chick: Ohhh, shit! They sell Choco Tacos!
Asian dude: I want to eat a Choco Taco pussy.
Hot chick: Hahaha! Me, too!
--Blockbuster, Houston & Suffolk
Overheard by: Incredible Hulk
Always an Issue with Arm's-Length Relationships
Asian queer, looking over his shoulder: I think I jerked him off.
Italian queer: Who?
Asian queer: That guy in the green shirt... It's pretty bad when you can't keep track of all the people you've jerked off.
--Union Square
Or Maybe That's Only When Your Dad's a Sex Addict...
Half-Asian girl: Yeah, somehow when you're Asian, you're related to everybody.
Confused guy: Really?
--29th & 9th
Overheard by: Jesse
It's the Mexico of Asia
Old white man: I didn't know they had cockfights in Korea.
Young Asian guy: Yep, sure do.
--1 train
The Planet Responsible for New York Minute? Ew.
Nerd: So, seriously, where are you from?
Weary Asian hipster girl: Earth.
--Outside Forbidden Planet, 13th & Broadway
Overheard by: can't wait to use that one
Those White People All Look Alike to Me
Asian girl #1: Like, I mean, I was totally in love with him.
Asian girl #2: Yeah, but didn't you sleep with his brother?
Asian girl #1, after long pause: Yeah, I slept with his brother.
--N train
Why Stop There?
Asian girl #1: We can pretend you're a celeb -- claim to be Lucy Lui's cousins or something.
Asian girl #2: I used to be able to pass for Michelle Kwan... Don't know how much of a celeb she is, though. People have asked for my autograph. I looked much more like her when I was younger.
Asian girl #1: Oh my god, I would sell your kid pics on eBay if I had no conscience.
--6th Ave & Waverly Pl
Overheard by: christine y0
Okay, Now You Can Go
Fat guy: Just because you have a bus pass doesn't mean you can go to the liquor store while I wait.
Small Asian girlfriend: Here, have a devil dog.
--Grand & Greene Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: megan m
Oh, Sorry! I'll Just Go Fuck Myself Now
30-ish white lady: You're doing push-ups?
20-ish Asian girl, taking off headphones: Yes...
30-ish white lady: Why?
20-ish Asian girl: Um...
30-ish white lady: Do you do karate or Tae Kwon Do?
20-ish Asian girl: No...
30-ish white lady: But you're Asian.
20-ish Asian girl: Yeah...
30-ish white lady: Why don't you do Asian sports?
20-ish Asian girl: What?!
30-ish white lady: Have you always stuck with American sports or have you ever tried anything Asian?
20-ish Asian girl: What?
30-ish white lady: Where are you from?
20-ish Asian girl: Manhattan. [Puts headphones back on.]
--New York Sports Club, Crowne Plaza
I'm in No Position to Find Her Morally Objectionable
Frumpy Asian guy: She's a Hitler-lover.
Tall Aryan guy: I don't care about the Hitler-lover thing as long as she's hot. [High fives are exchanged.]
--Fordham University Rose Hill, Bronx
You White People -- That's Your Answer for Everything
Asian girl: I should totally be on that white rapper show on TV.
White girl, sincerely: Oh, yeah! Just, like... change your skin!
--R train
Overheard by: Dani
We Don't Have to Make a Fuss about Our Origins
Black 12-year-old boy: Are you Japanese?
Asian 20-year-old guy: Ummm, no...
Black 12-year-old boy: Oh... Chinatownese?
Asian 20-year-old guy: What?
Black 12-year-old boy: Taiwa-- I mean, Taiwanese? Thailandonian?
Asian 20-year-old guy: No. I'm American.
--72nd St station
Overheard by: Dave Carpenter
A Courier Will Deliver Further Instructions
Chubby Asian girl: I just don't know, Dani* -- if you start out giving him head, I don't see what I'm supposed to do.
Ghetto girl: You s'posed to shut the fuck up and eat my pussy, bitch.
Chubby Asian girl: Oh, okay.
--Starbucks, St. Mark's Pl
Why the Fashion Police Keep Emergency Suspenders in Their Squad Cars
Asian boy: Why are you wearing a belt over your shirt?
Asian girl: I don't know. I like the way it looks.
Asian boy: Belts are supposed to hold your pants up. It can't hold anything up if it's over your shirt.
Asian girl: It's fashion, okay?! My god!
Asian boy: ... I hope your pants fall down!
--Stuyvesant High
Overheard by: she was wearing a skirt
You'll Forgive Me If I Don't Take That As a Compliment
Asian girl, after falling down: Ouch! My knee!
Suit: That is the hottest thing I've seen all week.
--45th & 3rd
Overheard by: Lena L.
Fine, Get All Master Po on Me
Mom, in Chinese: One bubble tea.
Daughter: Why do you know Chinese?
Mom: Why don't you?
--Main St
Yeah, because He's Totally Dominican
Asian chick #1: Yeah, my dad is mad tan, so at the beach everyone thinks he's Mexican.
Asian chick #2: Oh, that sucks.
--Queens
Talking about Labor Law Is Right Up There with Diaper Play
Hot Asian chick: Oh, I feel so sexually frustrated right now!
Dude: Oh my god, I can totally help you out with that! You could even call me Mark!
Hot Asian chick: And could we talk about labor law afterwards?
Dude: Anything!
Hot Asian chick: Don't embarrass yourself, Chad.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: she can call me anything too
At the Gape Pride Parade
Hispanic guy: I can't believe it.
Southeast Asian guy: What?
Tan guy: Yeah, what?
Hispanic guy: How dilated my ass is!
Southeast Asian guy: I believe it -- I was there.
--23rd & 9th
Overheard by: nate honeycut
All Wednesday One-Liners and No Action
Dude to woman: You can't talk about the second dimension, but you can talk about sewing?!
--12th & 4th
Overheard by: Joy
Asian woman to boyfriend: I am not going to talk about having a threesome with you and your clone on the train!
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Overheard by: Ann
Chick on cell: ... Talking about the apocalypse, but they were really laid back people.
--Barnard College
Lady: I can't even talk to you for seven minutes, and you're about to be my husband!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Cody Lister
Woman on cell: I know you're full of muscle relaxants and want to chat, but I can't talk right now. Just take a picture of it and email it to me.
--57th & 6th
Overheard by: Withnail
Girl: Oh! Funny story -- I was talking to my therapist about suicide yesterday...
--13th & 6th
Overheard by: gigglesnort
Fidelity's a Survival Strategy
Asian guy: Also, Freddie Mercury didn't deserve to die.
Black guy: I'm okay with him dead. He was gay, he fucked around, he had AIDS -- he deserved to die.
Asian guy: So, you are saying that people who sleep around too much deserve to die? I sleep around. Do I deserve to die?
Black guy: ... Yes.
--E train
Overheard by: Ting
Clearly You've Never Tasted Lead Paint
Stoned Asian #1: I don't know, man. My buddy used to do that all the time and he's got, like, three brain cells left.
Stoned Asian #2: Dude, I don't care. All I know is if it's bad for you, it must be hella-good!
--Astor Pl
Mine's in a Secret Abdominal Compartment
Asian princess: #1: You know what's annoying?
Asian princess: #2: What?
Asian princess: #1: When, like, people carry, like, two bags.
Asian princess: #2: Oh my god, I know! Like, when they have their school bag and then their coach bag...
Asian princess: #1: Totally! It's like, sooo annoying.
Asian princess: #2: Yeah! That's why I put my bag in my school bag.
--Q11 bus
None of Those Hand-Me-Down Genes for Me
Asian nerd #1: ... Of course, 'cause I'd rather all of them have my DNA and not some other random person's!
Asian nerd #2: No, of course, dude, I totally agree.
--NYU
Wednesday One-Liners Have Healthy Immune Systems
Irate lady with luggage: This is a filthy town! Horrible!
--Penn Station
Guy on cell: You opened a cadaver today? Oh, shit, man -- congrats! That's so cool... I changed a nasty dirty diaper today.
--26th & 8th
Mother to sobbing young son: Honey, you can't pet a stranger's mink. You just can't. Especially with dirty hands -- that's why she was mad at you.
--M3 bus, 45th & 5th
Blonde on cell, wearing mink coat: I have a couture mink coat, and I will not have those low-lifes getting their crappy filth all over it!
--Starbucks, Citigroup Center
Woman hurrying small boy along: Yes, that wall is filthy, don't touch it. Everything you can see in this city is dirty.
--W 67th St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Asian man: Look, if you're gonna stab me at least use the clean knife.
--Applebee's, 42nd St
Overheard by: explosivo
Woman on elliptical to woman on stationary bike: Justin made me take the subway today. I didn't like it. I felt dirty.
--Equinox, Soho
Overheard by: jdm
How Masons Recognize Each Other
Hobo: Chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, steak!
Asian man: Yes.
--57th & Broadway
Pssst! -- I Think He Means "Beef Cheeks"
Chipotle guy: What kind of meat?
Asian customer: Wedgie.
Chipotle guy: What kind?
Asian customer: Wedgie.
Chipotle guy: What kind of meat do you want?
Asian customer: Wedgie!
Chipotle guy: Spiced pork?
Asian customer: Vegetable!
--Chipotle, 23rd & 6th
Overheard by: I just wanted chicken
Race Card Drivers
Asian guy #1: Fucking motherfucker!
Asian guy #2: Ass-fucking mule!
Asian guy #1: Cum wad!
Asian guy #2: Asian!
Asian guy #1: Whoa, man, that's just rude.
--Radio City Music Hall
Overheard by: Laura
He Has a Name, Though
White guy: A queer Sikh holding a cigarette like a woman and talking about grenades. Now I've seen everything. [Pause.] How was the mocha?
Asian friend: It was delicious, thank you.
--Q46 stop, Union Tpke & Utopia Pkwy
Overheard by: Peter G
So Your Teacher Should Be Able to Find You Some Asian Lab Partners
Asian kid #1: In my classes the teacher is always pairing me up with the other minorities. Just because I'm Asian doesn't mean I speak all those languages, too.
Asian kid #2: I could close my eyes walking down the street and count to five and when I open them see at least one other Asian. We're everywhere.
--LIRR
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Homing Device
Late-20s woman: Up until six months ago, I thought Europe was a country. I just didn't know...
--6 train
Overheard by: 21 and knows better
Social butterfly: Williamsburg? Where is that? Pennsylvania?
--Broadway & Bond
Overheard by: the bfd
Dude: What? You're not from Illinois, you're from Chicago!
--Cheesecake Factory
Female tourist: Where's Chicago, again? Oh, that's here in New York, right?
--Outside Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Genissimo
Astonished woman: Los Angeles is not a state!
--Outside Javits Center
Overheard by: Tara
Asian tourist chick: Is this considered the West coast?
--Max Brenner, Union Square
Santa Finally Goes Legit
Asian kid: Why did you decide to start driving now?
Middle-aged thug: I drive trucks. Now it's just time to tell the government.
--DMV, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
I Have Got to Find a Better Way to Meet Men
Old Asian suit viciously kicks another suit.
Victim suit: Whoa, whoa -- what're you doing?
Old Asian suit: Kicking you!
Victim suit: Why?
Old Asian suit: Because you're trying to stick your dick in my ass! Back up!
--6 train, Grand Central
Overheard by: Christine
Are You Kidding? This Is Stand-Up Comedy Gold!
Lesbian: So, I wanted to get my hair cut really short, y'know? And, like, dyed red. But my mom was like, 'No, you're too fat to be an Asian man.'
Asian man: That sucks.
--A train
New York City Has Been Everything I Dreamed and More!
Short, chubby Asian man: I got stabbed! I got stabbed in the neck!
Friends: Oh!
Short, chubby Asian man: Believe it or not, I got stabbed in the neck! But I didn't die! I lived! Can you believe that?!
--8th St & MacDougal
I Mean, Come On! How Many Times Did the Barbarians Sack Rome?
Asian girl #1: So Alicia is, like, half-Portuguese because her mom is Portuguese.
Asian girl #2: I thought she was Brazilian...
Asian girl #1: Yeah, Brazilian. And her dad is Italian. Like from Italy. He's, like, a hundred percent.
Asian girl #2: Wow.
Asian girl #1: I know! It's, like, unbelievable.
--Astoria
Dude, She Just Gave You the Green Light!
Young Asian woman: That's why your country has such a low birth rate. In Korea the men just club women over the head and drag them home.
Young Asian man: [Pausing] I don't believe you.
--Tosca, The Met
Overheard by: busyboy
Everything's Relative
Black guy: Who we going to see?
Asian guy: Andy. Not black-Andy, white-Andy.
Black guy: White-Andy? ...You mean Asian-Andy?
Asian guy: Oh, yeah, Asian-Andy.
--29th & Broadway
Overheard by: Brian
At the Male Fantasy Semifinals
Eastern European girl: Jimmy* is a dirty boy.
Asian girl: Really? Why is Jimmy a dirty boy?
Eastern European girl: He said dirty things to me online.
Asian girl: He said dirty things to you online? Like what?
Eastern European girl: I don't want to talk about it right now.
Asian girl: Does he make you uncomfortable?
Eastern European girl: Yeah, sometimes he does -- like, when he tells me to send him pictures of myself with my shirt off.
Asian girl: Does it make you scared?
Eastern European girl: No, I just don't have any pictures of myself with my shirt off.
Asian girl: Then why don't you take some?
Eastern European girl: I don't know.
Asian girl: You know what? I'll help you. I'll go to your house right now and take some pictures of you with your shirt off, and then you can send them to Jimmy, okay?
Eastern European girl: Okay.
--Downtown 6 train
No More X for You Tonight
Chick: There sure are a lot of old people in this line.
Boyfriend: No they aren't, baby. Do you mean Asian?
Chick: No! I know the difference!
--53rd & Lex
Overheard by: Emily
At the Biasslon Olympic Tryouts
Asian guy: No, that was some pretty diarrhea. Did you see it?
Mexican guy: It was crazy, man. Wooo.
Asian guy: It was pretty diarrhea. Really.
Mexican guy: So pretty. We don't got that shit in Mexico.
--Time-Life building lobby
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