I'd Rather Be Beaten Than Listen to Any More of That

Man: Fuck you.
Woman: Fuck you.
Man: Fuck you.
Woman: Fuck you.
Six-year-old girl: Cunt.

--Grand Central

At the Free Will Special Olympics

Man: I'm just going to break into the apartment, okay?
Woman: You can't break into the apartment! It's not even your apartment!
Man: I can do whatever I want! Not you or anybody else is going to tell me what I can and cannot do!

--E 4th St & Ave A

Overheard by: martin

He Should Have Worn His Sombrero

Man to waiter making tea: Hey, you know how many Mexicans it takes to make iced tea? None! Because you're not Mexican! Ha!
Waiter: Why would you say that? I am Mexican.

--Mike's Café, Brooklyn

He Could Have Insulted Them Even More by Calling Them "Tourists"

Tourist kid: Look! The Empire State Building!
Tourist mom: Where? I don't see it.
tourist kid: The big, pointy one!
Tourist mom: Oooh, let's take a picture!
Passerby: That's the Chrysler Building, you fucking niggers.

--Outside NYC Public Library

Overheard by: johnny salami

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about Male Psychology but Were Afraid to Ask

Crying hot chick: I don't understand why you spent half the night telling me all the reasons you can't be with me and then wanted to have sex with me anyway!
Douchebag: Uh, you were pretty... And naked.

--Houston & Allen

What You Do with the EZ-Kill 3000 Is Really Up to You

Yankee fan #1: It's so awesome. They can cut through cardboard -- anything. These things are so sharp they could really do anything.
Yankee fan #2: Like stab my wife?

--Bronx-bound 4 train

Overheard by: sternie

Isn't "Creepy Clown" Redundant?

Creepy clown outside Harry Potter party: Hey! Are you kids here for Harry Potter?
Group of super-excited kids: Yeah!
Creepy clown: I really hate that guy!

--Barnes & Noble, Staten Island

When Even Nerds Get Age-Vain, What Chance Do We Have?

Pushing-40 nerd #1: Dude, the Matrix trilogy is like the original Star Wars trilogy for my generation.
Pushing-40 nerd #2: Whatever, man. Dude, you're, like, 38. The original Star Wars trilogy is the Star Wars trilogy of your generation.
Pushing-40 nerd #1: Fuck you.

--Javits Center

This Must Be That "New York Flair" We've Been Hearing So Much About

Ghetto girl crossing against the light, as cabbie honks: Dat's right! Dat's right! Dat's right! Hit me! I needs the fuckin' money!
Brit tourist, waiting for 'Walk' light: Oh, how charming.

--32nd & 7th

Overheard by: Just Trying to Make My Train

It's Funny 'til Somebody Pokes an Eardrum Out

Lady: Oh my god, I've heard this song before!
Patron: It's all ABBA music, jackass.

--Mamma Mia, Winter Garden Theatre

Overheard by: Todd

And Neither Will Thousands of YouTube Viewers

Older drunk, tightly hugging young guy: ... And don't think I'm gonna forget. When that happened, who gave me new underwears and washed my ass?
Younger guy, trying to get away: Man, just forget about that!
Older drunk: No! I'm not gonna forget about that!

--Greenpoint, Brooklyn

A Dumb Bitch Who Just Took Your Wallet, Bucko

Fat guy: I love you.
Cute girl: Do you really mean what you say, or are you just saying it?
Fat guy: Of course I mean it. [They make out, then chick leaves.] What a dumb bitch.

--W4 station

Overheard by: Ting

And I Prefer to Be Called "Rubenesque"

Very loud woman: You ain't gonna believe the shit that bitch said to me.
Friend: Who? Your friend?
Very loud woman: Yeah, that bitch, my friend. She ain't my friend.
Friend: What she say?
Very loud woman: She say, 'Oh, girl, I ain't seen you in a long time -- like weeks! You look so swollen! Why you so swollen?' I was like, 'Bitch, I ain't swollen, I'm fat. Why you dissin' me?'

--Starbucks, St. Mark's

I Heart New York (A Short Story)

Wheelbette: Excuse me, sir -- do you have the time?
Guy: Shut up.

--26th & 6th

So You're Saying You Won't Give Me a Blowjob?

Man: So, you think I can't understand because I don't have a vagina?
Lesbo: Don't sit like that!
Man: What do you mean?
Lesbo: You're crossing your legs so condescendingly!

--Tea Lounge, Park Slope

Overheard by: Lemma

Headline by: Manbo

Runners-Up:
· "Almost Enough to Make Up for You Lack Of Vagina" - John Gray
· "I'm Just Jealous Because Mine Are Too Fat to Cross That Perfectly" - shenanigans
· "I'm Just Protecting My Tool Of Oppression." - robs
· "Well You're Waving Your Vagina Condescendingly" - burnt toast
· "Worst Yoga Class Ever" - benji
· "Yeah, Well Tell Your Nipples to Quit Pointing at Me" - pw


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

And Experiencing New and Exotic STDs

Suit #1: So basically what you're saying is that your misses is a whore?
Suit #2: Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Suit #1: And you're okay with this?
Suit #2: I'm cool with it as long as I keep getting lots of head.

--85th & Lex

Overheard by: marisa

Oooh, My First Rude New Yorker!

Suit: Hey, do you have a light?
Polite Englishman: Sorry, I don't smoke.
Suit: I asked for a light, not your fucking life story.

--Times Square

Overheard by: English, not polite

I Don't Need to Take This from a Pregnant Stripper

Angry girl: What do you mean you didn't fuck up?
Boyfriend: I didn't fuck up!
Angry girl: You got a stripper pregnant! You fucked up!

--Sandwich shop, Bleecker

Overheard by: Catie

Do You Want to Start Learning Things? Do You?!

Little boy, passing gym: Oooh, they're doing exercises in an exercises store!
Little girl: Is that their job?
Mother: I told you to stop asking so many damn questions!

--B51 bus, Brooklyn

So Get Off My Foot and Find Things That Actually Deserve to Be Crushed

Angry, sweaty man pushing through crowd: Come on, move in! There's a lot of room in the middle!
Calm man: There's also a lot of dreams in this world.

--2 train, 34th St

Overheard by: mf

Headline by: CVK

Runners-Up:
· "The Buddha Grows Up" - Barry P.
· "Both Require That Someone Else Gives a Fuck" - Rick Felice
· "Crowds to the Left Of Me, Dreamers to the Right, Here I Am" - Golf Widow
· "The Alternative Martin Luther King Speech" - Peter Madsen
· "Well, Get Them the Hell Out Of My Way!" - Jo


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Oh, Kristin Chenoweth, You're Plenty Intimidating!

Guy: You really should move. It's not safe there.
Girl: Yeah, the woman next to me got robbed recently.
Guy: If I ever walked into my house and saw a nigger standing in my living room, I'd fucking unload a full clip into him. He'd start making excuses, but I wouldn't fucking care. Then I'd pick up the phone and call the police and tell them I killed him. And he'd say, 'Nooo!' and I'd say, 'Yep, got a dead body on my property,' and then I'd blow his nuts off.
Girl: Oh... Well, I don't usually carry a gun around with me.
Guy: I always carry a gun with me. I would run out with my shirt off and my gun in my hand and scare that fucker.
Girl: Well, I don't think I'd be that intimidating.

--Crema Restaurante, 17th & 6th

Overheard by: Aubrey

The Metaphor Still Works, Asshole.

Bimbette: She was being such a bitch, and I was like, 'You catch more flies with honey than you do with a fly swatter, y'know.'
Boyfriend: Don't talk. Seriously. Just stand there and look hot, okay?

--Penn Station

Overheard by:

To Make You Grateful to Be Childless

Man: Excuse me, but that kid's screaming is ruining my museum experience.
Dad pushing stroller with shrieker inside: Listen, pal, she's two years old--
Man: --So why did you bring her?!

--Ancient Near East Galleries, the Met

What's This "We" Shit?

Man pushing stroller: Do we have a bottle?
Bitchy wife: No, we have my breasts.

--Prospect Park

Overheard by: Aaron Padwee

Headline by: Danny

Runners-Up:
· "I Can't Beat You With Those" - Digeridude
· "I Meant for the Baby." - thisdaydreamer
· "Shall I Preheat Them For You?" - Mike Curry
· "They're in the Diaper Bag" - Bri
· "Well Pop a Top, Beeyotch!" - Pozo


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Times New Roman

Rude famous guy: Do you know who I am?!
Waitress: No... But I know your type...

--Blue Water Grill, Union Square

Overheard by: Martin

I'm not looking at you. Your bored son is masturbating.

Father: Is he asleep over there?
Mother: Yeah, he's dozing. [Looks at other son.] Are you asleep, too?
Son #2: I'm bored.
Mother: He's always bored. I must've been bored when I made him. [Stands up and leans on father's knee and starts humping.] I'm bored, I'm bored[yawns], I'm bored.
Father: That guy is looking at you.
Mother: So? He doesn't look boring like you.

--Queens-bound F train

Overheard by: That guy on the F Train

Headline by: Jason

Runners-Up:
· "Charles and Diana Ride the Subway?" - Shawn
· "Most Priests Aren't That Exciting" - Brock
· "They Don't Call It the F Train for Nothing" - Sean McGurr
· "This Is the Express Train: From Boring to Whoring" - Sim Etrias
· "Try the Middle Leg....it's Less Boring" - nicky c.


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Go Three Blocks That Way and Turn Right at the Plastic Hotels

Obnoxious woman: Excuse me, excuse me! Do you know where Park Place is?
Jaded youth: Next to Boardwalk.
Obnoxious woman: Where is that?

--E Broadway

Overheard by: Mr. Money Bags

I'd Do It Myself, but I Just Had My Nails Done

Yuppie #1: Somebody had better shut that kid up.
Yuppie #2: Someone should tell that woman to control her child.
Yuppie #3, across train: Would somebody please tell that woman to shake her baby?!

--Very crowded R train

Overheard by: The3rdBridge

You're Not the Only Store in Town

Chick: Please, please, please get these for me.
Guy: [Laughs, shakes his head.]
Chick: I promise I'll give it to you 10 times today.
Guy: I don't need you to. I get it every day.
Chick: No, you don't! You haven't gotten it in a month!

--Sneaker store, 82nd & Roosevelt

Overheard by: Liza

Nothing Like Faint Praise from the Unworthy

Outgoing misogynist: See, my friend gives you a nine, but that's because he loves Puerto Rican women. I give you a seven-and-a-half. [Lady nods without looking up from her magazine.] So, what do you think?
Head-in-hands misogynist: I think you just embarrassed me.
Outgoing misogynist: I think you overshot with that nine, that's what I think.

--4 train

Overheard by: Alex

Talk Is Cheap

Man to guy he bumped into: I hope you have to watch your children die!
Man's wife: Shhh, honey, you can't just say that!

--Times Square

And Inexplicably Looove Titanic

Dude #1: The Japanese can't be that racist!
Dude #2: All I'm saying is, drop another couple of nukes on them and they're still going to hate the blacks.

--Eastchester & Morris Park, Bronx

No, I Think We Went to Obedience School Together

Girl: I think that dog is staring at me...
Guy: Don't flatter yourself.

--Washington Square dog park

Overheard by: Dog and people watcher

Why Every Girl Needs a Slutty Friend

Teen girl: [Mumbles.]
Clerk: What?
Teen girl: [Speaks softly.]
Clerk: You're going to have to speak up.
Teen girl: [Leans over counter and mumbles.]
Clerk: What? What the fuck are those? [Yells to coworker] Tina*! Do we have any morning after pills? [Teen girl sprints out of store.]

--Crowded CVS

Stepford Wife Technology Can't Arrive Soon Enough for Me

Suit #1: She's smart, funny, beautiful... What more could you ask for?
Suit #2: Yeah, but she probably votes. I don't like women that vote.

--Union Station

Overheard by: Jacksonian Democracy

How Wily Odysseus Escaped the Island of Calypso

Conductor on PA: Excuse me, ma'am, maybe it would work better if you went to the next door -- it's less crowded. [Lady walks to next door, but before she gets there the conductor closes them.] Haha, bitch! Toot, toot!

--Crowded 2 train

Overheard by: CeLia

Jesus: No, We're Cool Now

Teacher: Does anyone know what 'condemned' means? Okay, let me give you an example: The Jews condemned Jesus. [Everyone looks at only Jewish student in class, who then glares at the teacher.] Oh, I'm so sorry!

--Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island

I've Been Trying to Help Lucky Get to the Cereal Bowl for Years

Info booth lady: I only have this map -- it's really not very helpful at all.
Tourist: Great! Thank you! This is exactly what I need!

--N train

Hocking Your Bronzed Baby Booties Doesn't Count

Homie #1: Fuck you, nigga! You ain't hustlin'!
Homie #2: No, fuck you! My shit is tight!
Homie #1: I'm still spendin' money from '93, nigga!
Homie #2: I'm still spendin' money from '88, nigga!

--119th & 7th

Overheard by: yvahn

Or I'll Never Finish This Clay Ashtray before Our Exam Time Is Up

Chick #1: How many colors are in two rainbows?
Chick #2: Shut up, Kimberly!

--NYU

Overheard by: Clara

Hey, You're a Nice Guy; You Just Suck

NYU kid yelling to band from dorm window: Hey! You suck!
Singer at nice event: Uh, this is for charity.

--W 4th & MacDougal

I Told You I Have a Protein Deficiency, Okay?

Girlfriend: Ugh, I have the worst taste in my mouth.
Boyfriend: That's 'cause you're a whore.
Girlfriend: ... I don't get it.
Boyfriend: Your mouth tastes bad 'cause you suck too much cock.
Girlfriend: Oh my god! You're such an asshole!
Boyfriend: I love you, baby.

--Shea Stadium

Overheard by: sweetpea

Anal Sex: What Can't It Fix?

Fashionista gets off elevator, bumping into guys on her way out.

Balding Greek guy: You know what she needs? A good dick up the ass, that's what she needs!
Black guy: That's what all them bitches need.

--1407 Broadway

Overheard by: Big Larry

At My Wedding

Dude #1: So I was, like, having intercourse with my girlfriend's mom, and my girlfriend came home and caught us.
Dude #2: That happened to me before.

--D train

Overheard by: Ed

I Gave Him My Best Parker Posey Lip Curl and Left the Train

Snooty alternative chick: So, for some reason I always get these creepy guys talking to me on the train. This one guy on the ride over here looked over at my iPod and I was listening to The Fall, right? And he's like, 'That's an interesting song. It's like punk, right?' And so then he pulls out his iPod and starts trying to impress me with his shitty music list.
Alternative guy: What was on it?
Snooty alternative chick: Blink 182 and Good Charlotte and stuff... And it's like, 'Um, you're a guy on the N train who started talking to me, you're not gonna get in my pants... And you're especially not gonna get in my pants if you don't know who The Fall are! That's totally a prerequisite.'

--Kim's Video, St. Mark's Pl

Ten Bucks Says the "Chick in the Restaurant" Was His Hand in a KFC Bathroom

Married guy on cell: So, last night I was out with this chick and she, like, went down on me in the restaurant. Then I went to the other room and saw this girl I used to date and we did it in the--
70-year-old lady, tapping guy on shoulder: --Excuse me, mister -- the entire bus can hear your conversation.
Married guy on cell: Uh, I'll call you back [disembarks as soon as possible].

--M1 bus

Overheard by: Ari

NewsFlash: New Jersey Builds Immigration Wall

Yuppie on cell cutting long line, to cashier: I'd like to buy some cookies.
Cashier: Um, the line starts back there, sir.
Yuppie, into cell: I hate the fucking East Side. Everyone thinks they're hot shit. I can't figure out this fucking line -- all I want to do is buy some fucking cookies... New Jersey is my destiny.

--Bakery, 70th & Lex

You Know, Start Small

Trophy wife: Arthur, I'm sick of you buying me things and making me feel like I owe you! I want to work!
Suit: You can work on my dick.

--Leaving Louis Vitton, Soho

... Ma'am

Lady: Contrary to what you may think about your mom, she did a good job teaching you manners.
Man: Fuck you.

--33rd & Park

Overheard by: Erik

The Teacher Will Now Call on the Sleeping Kid in the Back

Boy trying to get teacher to call on him: Oh my god, I have a really good point to make!
Girl, just as eager: Shut up! Mine is better!

--Hunter College High

Cans and Bottles Only

Girlfriend to boyfriend trying to stick trash down her pants: That's not a garbage can!

--48th St, Sunnyside, Queens

Guy Did Have a Nice Ass, Though

Man #1: Yo, man! Get your ass out of my face! I ain't no faggot.
Man #2, bent over: I'm sorry.
Man #1: I oughta put my shoe up your ass.
Man #2: I'm sorry.
Man #1: What, you didn't see me sitting here? I don't want your ass in my face.
Man #2: I'm sorry.
Man #1: No, you're not.
Man #2: No, I really am sorry. I apologize. I'm sorry [quickly disembarks at next stop].
Man #1: Did you see that? I ain't no fag.

--4 train

Got a Match?

Cop #1 to kid holding paper towels to his bleeding head: Lemme see your head, man. [Kid shows him the gash.] Holy shit!
Kid: What the fuck, man?! Aren't you supposed to be comforting me or some shit?!
Cop #1: Sorry! Well, at least you're coherent.
Cop #2: At this point, with that gash, you could light up a joint and I wouldn't tell.

--9th St, between Ave A & B

Overheard by: rpk

That Was an Aside to the Audience

Chick: It was really good seeing you! Tell your sister I said hi!
Guy: I will -- you, too! [To friend] What a fuckin' bitch.
Chick: I can still hear you!
Guy: I don't care!

--Sugar Bar, Church St

But Then We'd Be Stuck with Cheney

Man in elevator A: Hey, Bob!
Man in elevator B, across the hall: Oh! Hi there! [Doors close.] He should just resign.

--Actors' Equity building

Overheard by: Cat

He Didn't Get His Million Dollars' Worth

Loud girl #1: I want an iPod.
Loud girl #2: I think iPods are completely overrated; iPods, Uggs, and nose rings...
Man: Girls, you're forgetting space tourism, you fucking idiots.

--G train

Basically Sleep, Murder, and Not Go to Prison

Chick #1: I should go to sleep earlier. I want to, but for some reason I just can't.
Chick #2, reading: Uh-huh.
Chick #1: I should also kill my roommate. I desperately want to, but I don't think prison would agree with me. I don't want to be someone's bitch.
Chick #2, still reading: Uh-huh.
Chick #1: Are you even listening to me?
Chick #2, exasperated: What the hell do you want?!

--NYU

It's Way Too Early for Good News

Religious guy: ... And remember, Jesus loves you! He loves us all. Jesus loves you!
Man in back of train: Jesus fucking hates you! Shut the fuck up!

--PATH train

Overheard by: Nick

Pretty Much Speaks for Itself

Alabaman, about MLK Day: Yeah, well, down in Alabama we don't celebrate his birthday, but the day he was shot.
College kid: Uh...

--49th & 3rd

What Good Is Money If It Can't Insulate Me from Other People?

Hobo: I have not eaten anything in three days and it's freezing out. Could you find it in your heart to help me out?
Chick: I won't give you money, but I will go into that deli and buy you dinner.
Hobo: Thank you so much. But I'm Jewish and if you don't mind, I would really like a kosher sandwich from Mendy's.
Chick: Oh, forget it -- here's five bucks!

--34th & Park

The TV in Intensive Care Is Terrible

Sophomore #1: So yeah, my week off was really interesting. What about yours?
Sophomore #2: Boring. My brother fell off a balcony.

--Notra Dame Academy, Staten Island

Overheard by: The junior at the next table

I'm Not Even Black, Am I?

Hobo: Hey, doggie. Come here, doggie. Hey, hey, doggie. Come over here.
Woman, pulling dog away on leash: Come, Mikey! Come on!
Hobo, to passerby: You see that? Fuckin' racist don't want me touchin' her dog 'cause I'm fuckin' black!
Teen passerby: No, sir, it's because you are homeless.
Hobo: Oh. Well, yeah. There's that.

--Clinton & Montague, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Mike N

Everything Human Disgusts Me

Woman: Breastfeeding her baby is not the same as taking a shit.
Man: Yeah, it is. It's like shitting in the baby's mouth.

--3rd & 2nd

There's a Cheaper Way, but It Hurts Feelings All Around

White guy: Well, this is her third. The first two she miscarried.
Black guy: Aw, man.
White guy: All of them were shake 'n' bake.
Black guy: What?
White guy: Yeah, he shakes and she bakes. It's like 10 grand a shake, too.
Black guy: I heard 25.

--JFK airport

Overheard by: Deeznuts

Then Pay Me a Dollar Not to Clean It

Hobo: Hey, can I clean the snow off your car for a dollar?
Girl cleaning car: Ummm, no way.
Hobo: Even when it's cold white people are assholes.
Girl cleaning car, to passerby: I don't want his smelly ass touching my baby.

--115th St & Frederick Douglass Blvd

Overheard by: Paula

Wow, You Really Have a Point

Old lady: What did you just say?
Three-year-old: [Inaudible mumbling.]
Old lady: Don't curse, goddammit! You sound like a fucking ass!

--110th & Madison

Because That's Really Inconvenient for Your Friends

Dude: I mean, you don't have to completely fall apart once your child dies.
Chick: Yeah, seriously.

--Prince St

Overheard by: Aniela

If These Balls Could Talk, They'd Say the Same Thing

Angry chick: I am so mad at you right now!
Boyfriend: Sorry, babe. It's not my fault you're still on your period.
Angry chick: I wasn't talking to you, Jake*, I was talking to my ovaries.

--Morton St

Overheard by: these walls are paperthin



Headline by: Damo

Runners-Up:
· "I Apologize for Ovaryacting" - Katherine Duke
· "Quiet! We're Trying to Decide Whether or Not We're Going to Trap You into Marrying Us." - Kara
· "The Whore Moans" - Stephanie L
· "You Could Always Get Rid of Them, and Earn 19 More Cents An Hour" - Kristen
· "You could have prevented this if you stopped wearing that damn condom." - Josh H


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

We Now Present This Public Service Announcement

Dude #1: So, why did you break up with her?
Dude #2: Because she got herpes.
Dude #1: What?! You gave it to her!
Dude #2: Yeah, I know, but it's different -- herpes is gross with girls. It's like a battle wound for guys, though.

--Slipper Room

That's My Dissertation Hypothesis, Anyway

Guy to group of teenagers after doors close on crowded train: You know, in this city we move in on the trains.
Girl #1: We're not tourists, you know.
Guy: Then you should know better.
Girl #1: Oh, just shut up.
Guy: Didn't your father teach you to act better?
Girl #2: Her father is dead.
Guy, after slight pause: Well, maybe that's why she's such an obnoxious little twat.

--1 train

Overheard by: LSB

Not with That Shampoo in Your Travel Bags, You Can't

Small group of tourist kids singing loudly: I believe I can fly... I believe I can touch the sky...
Mom: That's what you think!

--74th & Broadway

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Also Dead People

Guy #1: I love making fun of the Amish online.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: Because they'll never know.

--25th & 3rd

Overheard by: Keegan

And So, the First Layer of Scar Tissue Forms on the Heart

Father: Come on, hurry up, we're gonna be late!
Three-year-old son: But Dad... [Tugs at dad's coat.]
Father: What did I just say? Not now!
Three-year-old son: But, but it's important--
Father: It better be the most fucking important thing in the world if you're gonna keep slowing me down!
Three-year-old son: But it is important!
Father: Fine! [Stops walking.] Well, what is it then, if it's the most important thing in the world?
Three-year-old son: I love you.
Father, after a pause: Well, that's great, but this is not the time for love, okay? Got it?
Three-year-old son: I guess so...

--5th & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: Mike N

My Kid Will Be Twice the Asshole I Am

Lady holding child's hand: If one more person bumps into me today I am going to fucking kill them.
Passerby: Good, lady, teach your child to be an asshole just like you.
Kid: Fuck you, asshole!
Passerby: See!

--Subway, 86th St

I Wonder If She'd Be Soft to Sit On

Rider #1: Damn, this bike seat is uncomfortable.
Rider #2: Damn, that VS model is hot.
Rider #1: Shit, my yoddle feels like it's skewered like a lamb chop.
Rider #2: I wonder if she'll agree to be my next wife...

--42nd & 6th

I Don't Like This Game

NYU girl #1: Okay, so we're all really, really mad at Paul.
NYU girl #2: What'd he do?
NYU girl #1: Nothing, but it's us versus him.

--Hayden Residence Hall, Washington Square

Wait... Ugly Women with Handsome Men?

Chick: She has low self-esteem.
Dude: She should. She's mad ugly.
Chick: I've known people who are ugly but really beautiful.
Dude: No.
Chick: No, really! I've seen ugly men with beautiful women and ugly women with handsome men.
Dude: I'm dumb-shallow. If you don't look good, you can't be my friend.
Chick: But you're judging people. Like God.
Dude: Fuck that. I pay my own rent. I don't need anybody. I'm straight, but all my guy friends look good. If you're ugly, you can't be my friend. I'm dumb-shallow. [A few minutes later] Yo, if someone says I don't look good, somethin's wrong with them or their eyes, 'cause I look good.

--4 train, rush hour

Overheard by: Veej

Sorry, Ike, You're on Your Own

Drunk girl: [Singing.]
Boyfriend: Can somebody just smack her in the face for me?

--43rd & 3rd

Overheard by: Blaze Boy

The Kind Who Has All of the Other Colors Already

Man: You know that Santa Claus doesn't exist, right?
Six-year-old boy: No, he does exist. When I wrote him a letter and asked him for pink Plush Puppies, I got them on Christmas.
Man: Dude, then you are a serious homosexual. What kind of boy asks for pink Plush Puppies?

--Rockaway

Overheard by: Bully

Today's Cutting Edge Hooker Uses a Segway

Guy: Damn, would you walk a little faster, please?!
Lady friend: You try walking fast in three-inch heels!
Guy: That girl in front of you is wearing three-inch heels, and look how fast she's walking!
Lady friend: Well, she's a ho on the go!

--Herald Square

Overheard by: Ruby

You Can Come to the Front If I Can Pick the Kids

Ragged old black guy with wad of cash in hand, teasing: You gonna let me cut the line, right?
Clerk: Please get on the end of the line.
Ragged old black guy: I'ma buy me that 250-dollar Blue Label up there. You gonna let me get on the front of this line, right?
Clerk: [Ignores him.]
Ragged old black guy: 250 dollars for Blue Label for me to get drunk and run over some kids!

--Liquor store, 23rd & Park

Overheard by: Baby G

Oooh, and Asparagus

Angry guy: Fuck her and fuck her wedding. I piss on her nuptials. I shit on her nuptials.
Angry wife: I know. I know. But we still have to send a gift.
Angry guy: A gift? I should shit in a box! Tomorrow you get a box from Tiffany's. Today I eat walnuts!

--Trader Joe's, 14th St

Travis Learns He's Not Attractive Enough to Talk to Beautiful Strangers

Preppy guy waiting for walk signal: Hi there.
Hot girl: Um, do I know you?
Preppy guy: No, I was just being friendly...
Hot girl: Oh, yeah? Well then why don't you say hi to her, too? [Points to fat chick nearby.]
Preppy guy, to himself: God, I hate New Yorkers...

--Central Park

Overheard by: well I LOVE New Yorkers

Don't Ask a Question If You Don't Want an Answer

Lady: Do I look fat in this dress?
Bystander: Yeah, you do. What? We were all thinking it!

--71 Continental Ave station

Overheard by: Kirby J

It's All in the Fricatives

Granny: Be careful!
Man jaywalking with several bags in hand: Ma, I know how to walk the streets in New York. [Car comes to screeching halt in front of him and honks. Man yells to driver] Fuck you! [To granny] See, I'm fine.

--Main St, Flushing

Overheard by: a fully certified ny pedestrian

What?

Old guy to wife: Why have they got the sound turned up so loud?
Movie buff: So we can hear the fucking movie over your conversation.

--Loews Theatre, Lincoln Square

Overheard by: woodrow t parker

That's Your Solution to Everything

Husband: What do you want to do?
Wife: I want to get a massage.
Husband: You want a Chinese massage? I'll put on stilletos and walk on your back.

--12th & 4th

Overheard by: lbp

Why Don't We Have the Death Penalty, Again?

Wife to hubby on cell during film: Will you please get off the phone?
Hubby: Why don't you shut the fuck up and watch the movie?

--Loews Theatre, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Cloodle

I Did, for Christ's Sake!

Chinese customer: Hey, do you work here?
Chinese salesman: Yes.
Chinese customer: Okay, are you guys going to have the PlayStation Three when it comes out?
Chinese salesman: It comes out November 17th.
Chinese customer: I know -- are you guys going to have it?
Chinese salesman: It comes out November 17th.
Chinese customer: Okay... I know that. Are you guys going to sell it?
Chinese salesman: I don't know if we have pre-orders.
Chinese customer: So, are you going to sell it on November 17th?
Chinese salesman: Yes, yes, we sell on November 17th -- first come, first serve.
Chinese customer walks away mumbling: Damn, man, learn some English.

--J&R Music, City Hall

Overheard by: Hugh

Not the Face! Not the Face!

Black girl: My daddy says I can't fight her because she's pregnant.
Wigger chick: Her face ain't pregnant, is it?

--Subway bathroom, 4th & 6th

Now Get Your Punk Ass Back to the Playhouse

Man: I'm tellin' you, a perm makes you look good.
Woman: Goddammit, Pee Wee! No it don't! You think you know every mothafuckin' thing!

--Fulton & Putnam, Brooklyn

Overheard by: mira p

To Think I Was Going to Share My Herpes with Her

Water connoisseur: So, how did things go last night with... Ugh... What's her name? Kate?
Friend: Seriously, dude, it was going so well, but then she did something really f-ing nasty.
Water connoisseur: Whaaa?
Friend: Dude, she put an unfiltered ice cube in my Brita water. She totally tainted the water. Dude, that's just gross.
Water connoisseur: How do you know she didn't filter the cubes?
Friend: Dude, you just can't risk something like that...

--N train

Overheard by: Mikeyy

Further Response Is Not Required

Girl: Wouldn't you prefer me to be conscious?
Guy: As long as I can play with your tits, I'll be all right.

--Library Bar, Houston & Ave A

And College Is All Paid For

Obnoxious teen #1: Oh my god! You like her? She's a whore!
Obnoxious teen #2: Ummm... She's in my math class, you know. She's really smart.
Obnoxious teen #1: Smart and a whore. That just means she won't get an STD.

--Nail salon, Bleecker St

Overheard by: Samideluxe

You'll Never Rubberneck in This Town Again!

Guy about movie being shot on street: I bet it's a shitty movie.
Set assistant girl: I'm sorry for the inconvenience, sir.
Guy: You're a pain in the ass. How could you work for a company like that?
Set assistant girl: I'm sorry, sir.
Guy: You come in barging into our city...
Set assistant girl: The mayor gives the permits, sir.
Guy: Yeah, well, it's a shitty movie.
Set assistant girl: Shut! Up!

--9th St & 5th Ave

... So I Can Be There to 'Console' Her When She Leaves You

Guy #1: She's so sensitive sometimes, I don't know how to handle it.
Guy #2: Yeah... Do you ever hit her?
Guy #1: Wait... What? No!
Guy #2: You should.

--5 train

Gonna Be a Long Childhood

Tweaker mom: Can I get my butter, please? I paid for my butter, and I'm taking my butter. I paid for it, I tipped for it, and I'm taking it [gets butter, then starts yanking child out the door].
Young daughter: Mommy, you don't even like butter.

--Sunny & Annie Deli, 6th St & Ave B

But Since She Is, I'll Ask Her to Do It

20-something girl with mom, hands full: Could you hit One for me?
Man, pushing button: You're welcome.
20-something girl: Oh! Thank you.
Man: Learn some manners.
20-something girl: Man, I'd tell you to fuck yourself if my mom wasn't with me.

--20th St & 1st Ave

Take Me, My Mighty Silverback!

Jerk in back row: Paul McCartney should have stopped after the Beatles. I mean, what the fuck else good did he do after that? Nothing. Not a goddamn thing. He couldn't go from point A to point B. What's the shortest distance from A to B, again? Like, the hypotenuse of a triangle? He never found the hypotenuse without Lennon.
Annoyed man in front of him: Dude, the hypotenuse is the longest side. Now shut the fuck up.
Annoyed man's girlfriend: That was so hot.

--Carnegie Hall

It's a Nice Haircut, Too

Chick: Good-bye [departs train].
Guy #1: Good-bye.
Guy #2: Eddie*, your sister is really pretty.
Guy #3: Don't call her that -- 'pretty' is something you say about nice girls, not whores like that.
Eddie: What are you talking about?
Guy #3: Ed, don't take it out on me, but at Dave's birthday party your sister was in the bedroom working for 10 dollars.
Eddie: ... I'm gonna kill Dave. Why didn't you tell me about this?!
Guy #3: Because she was right there! [Silence, then Eddie departs.]
Guy #2: 10 dollars? What's her phone number? I've got 10 dollars.
Guy #3: I know, best 10 bucks I ever spent.

--D train

Goat-Eating Doesn't Even Raise Eyebrows Anymore

Queer #1: He wasn't that bad!
Queer #2: Honey, he was a T-R-O-double-L troll, okay?! An under the bridge-living, billy goat-eating mon-stuh!
Queer #1: Hahahahaha!
Queer #3: That was pretty harsh.
Queer #2: You're new here. I can tell.

--Outside Splash Bar, 17th St

Hates Any Group Whose Stereotype Is Smarter Than Her Own

NYC woman: We're here!
Southern tourist bimbo: Laura, I thought we were here to get cheap fake purses?
NYC woman: We are -- this is Chinatown.
Southern tourist bimbo: Why are there so many Chinese people?
NYC woman, slowly: This is Chinatown...
Southern tourist bimbo: Laura! You know I hate Chinese people!

--Canal St

Overheard by: The Wizard

And It Was a Tragedy

Comedy promoter guy: Gentlemen, are you interested in seeing some comedy?
Guy: I've already seen your shitty show!

--78th & Broadway

M.E.: I'd Say She's Been Dead All Weekend

Guy #1: Dude, are you going to that party this weekend?
Guy #2: Oh, yeah. My girlfriend has been sick all week. She was, like, throwing up and coughing up a lung yesterday. I told her, 'You better not get me fucking sick. I am not missing this party. I will seriously kick your ass if you get me sick.'
Guy #1: What did she say?
Guy #2: I don't know. She fell asleep or something.

--Lincoln Center

They've Got Their 'Good Barista / Bad Barista' Act Down to a Science

Foreigner: Excusa me, sir, I get the milk, yes?
Barista #1 holding steamed milk: No. You ordered a Doppio. You don't get no milk in a Doppio.
Foreigner, holding drink out to Barista #1: But the milk?
Barista #1, cradling milk: No! You don't get no fuckin' milk! Order a fuckin' latte, and then I'll give you some of this milk! You can pour yourself some of that stale shit from over there, but you don't get none of this milk!

Barista #2 grabs cup and pours the customer some milk.

Barista #2 to Barista #1: Shit, this ain't Valentine's Day -- don't you get emotional. It's some other holiday. Hell, it's Christmas. [To customer] Here you go, sir! Merry Christmas!

--Starbucks, St. Marks & 3rd Ave

Oddly, You Just Became Hot to Me

Chick: Are you hitting on me?
Guy: Do you have a boyfriend?
Chick: Do you know Eric Thompson*?
Guy: Nah, is he your boyfriend?
Chick: It's complicated. Whatever, I'm gonna go pee [leaves].
Guy, reporting to group of friends: Yo, so I'm hitting on this girl, right? And then she stops me and is like, 'Yo, are you hitting on me?'
Chick, opening bathroom door: Asshole, I hear you taking about me.
Guy: Shut up and go take a piss, bitch.

--Party, 116th & Broadway

Just be sure you don't give her The Baby

Irish Guy #1: Did you see Peaches last week?
Irish Guy #2: Yeah.
Irish Guy #1: Mank. But I'd still give her the fuck.



Headline by: International Man of Leisure

Runners-Up:
· "'tis the fuck o' the Irish" - brian brinegar
· "And also, presumably, the cream" - lauren
· "May the bitch rise up to meet your cock" - Drewster
· "Mick Wanker Dicks Mank Yank Skank" - Rod W
· "Yeah, I'd hit the pit!" - janine


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

It's Called the Constitution. Read It While Parts of It Are Still Valid

Disgruntled man: Fuck that.
Disgruntled woman: I know. You know she a Arabic, so she don't care about us.
Disgruntled man: Why the fuck they let that kind of people work there?

--Elevator, Children's Services, 125th & Lenox

So I Put the Old Guy Out of His Misery

Shop guy: Well, I can help you if you want.
Old guy with carton of figs: Don't help me! Do it for me, dammit!

--75th & Broadway

Overheard by: punkee

Because She'll Be Facing the Other Direction

Angry black lady: I'm gonna 69 that motherfucker!
Friend: What?!
Angry black lady: I mean, 68 or 67 or... I dunno. Star 67! That way the bitch won't know it's me callin'.

--City Hall Park

Overheard by: This is what makes New York City so great

Oh, and Speaking of Assholes ...

Guy #1: Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted.
Guy #2: I am. My life is so weird right now.
Guy #1: Still working on the divorce?
Guy #2: That's pretty much finalized, actually. It's this girl I started seeing last week.
Guy #1: Wait, you're dating that hot Russian chick?
Guy #2: Yeah, Svetlana*. She's a total nympho -- I haven't slept in days. She won't leave my crotch alone. Plus, whenever we're going at it she keeps calling me 'Master.' It's fucked up.
Guy #1: You just lost any chance at sympathy, asshole.

--D train

It Keeps Things Fresh

Guy #1: So you have a girlfriend?
Guy #2: Yes, but I cheat on her. We have been dating for six years so I feel entitled,
naturally.

--43rd St & 10th Ave

NewsFlash: Asshole Hangs Out at Sports Bar, Film at 11

Man #1: There are no cute chicks here.
Man #2: Yeah.
Man #1: Let's go some place else -- my wife is working overnight at the hospital.

--ESPN Zone Sports Bar, Times Square

Thank You Very Much, I'll Be Here until Thursday

Angry rider after missing a stop: Why can't you just pull over? You was only like this far away?
Bus driver: I can only stop at designated stops, I'm sorry.
Angry rider: You could have stopped, you just wanted to be a dick.
Bus driver: Yeah, you would know -- you suck enough of it.

--BX9 bus

Overheard by: Don't know much about it

And the Special Olympics Runners Totally Remove That Extra Chromosome before Every Track Meet

Chick #1 overlooking the Women's Wheelchair finals: Are they over there playing tennis in wheelchairs?
Chick #2: Yeah, I think they are.
Chick #1: Oh, please, you know they're pushing those chairs with their feet.

--US Open, Queens

Overheard by: Working on my backhand

He's Talking about His Generation

Man in Who shirt: Whoa! I didn't see that shirt! That's a cool one!
Man with French accent: Oh, yeah, I got this one at the show in France.
Man in Who shirt: Were they screaming as loud as we were tonight?
Man with French accent: No, we put our hands over our heads and snap our fingers and say 'Ooh-la-la.'
His wife: What'd you have to do that for? You don't have to fuck around with everyone on the street!
Man with French accent, now speaking in Brooklyn accent: What's the fun of wearing a fake, five-dollar Chinatown Who shirt if I'm not gonna make fun of those assholes in the process?

--Pizza shop outside MSG after the Who show

Where's the Other Team Meeting?

Activist: Would you like to take a stand against gender-based violence?
Man: No thanks, I'm all set.

--Times Square

Overheard by: Jujubee

Crotchless Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on cell: This is the same girl who has G-strings where her forks and knives should go.

--2nd St & Ave B

Salesgirl: Do you want your boobies up or down?

--Victoria's Secret, Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: Linda

Woman: I told Terrence not to pack that stuff in my carry-on. Security threw out all my Victoria Secrets!

--Starbucks, La Guardia airport

Overheard by: Allears

Girl: Only fat girls and porn stars wear Ds. I want to be a C!

--Victoria's Secret, 57th St

Man: Do you want to get some maternity underwear to make you feel sexy?

--Greene St & Prince St

Overheard by: deadzebra

Man: Are you a Jehovah's Witness? 'Cause I don't want you comin' to my house unless you're going to drop your panties!

--PATH train

Overheard by: blkgirl

Girl on cell: Dad? Hi. I just bought a lot of panties at Victoria's Secret. Can you reimburse me? Dad?

--Broadway & Prince St

Overheard by: djingo

I Do Not Consent to That

Girl, squealing: You may kiss me, I consent!
Guy: I'd rather have a dwarf chew off my balls. I hate you.

--Museum of Sex

You Never See Anybody Working on that, Either

Angry guy: I can't believe they put up fucking scaffolding on my building!
Friend: What's the big deal?
Angry guy: Once they put it up, it never comes down. And you never see anyone ever working on it.
Friend: It's just scaffolding. Dude, you need to get laid.

--5th Ave & 12th St

Little Front-Loader-Riding Motherfucker

Customer #1: Hey, kid! Get the fuck out of there!
Customer #2: Don't you dare speak to my boy like that!
Customer #1: Why? Does the little bastard not know English?
Customer #2: Shut up.
Customer #1: I guess not.

--Laundry King, Ave A

Overheard by: Usleich

I Went Through All that Hypnosis to Recover This?

Father carrying plastic pitchfork: Fuck that. Fuck that, bitch! Fuck that!
Mother in disheveled wildcat costume to crying son: It's okay, baby. You're not in trouble. Daddy and I are just arguing.
Father: Yeah, fuck you, Mommy. Yo, fuck that. Yo, Daddy is leavin'. Daddy is gone, boy.
Mother: It's okay, baby.
Father to son: Shut the fuck up, faggot bitch! [Turns to mother] Don't turn my son against me, bitch!

--24th St & 9th Ave

The Chick in the Leopard-Print Thong Was a Separate Gift from My Dad

Guy #1: Taking family members on a sex safari is not a good idea.
Guy #2: It was hardly a sex safari, idiot. I just took my brother to a massage parlor.

--Broadway & Canal

And Once You Try It a Few Dozen Times on 'The Sims,' You'll Be Ready to Try It in Real Life, Little Camper

Ladies' man #1: So just bang her out, then.
Ladies' man #2: After what she did to me, I don't think I can just give that to her.
Ladies' man #1: The man always has the upper hand -- you should just bang her out and then call her the next day and be like, 'Hey, do you have any cute friends you could hook me up with?' You know, make her feel like shit.

--Uptown A train

Overheard by: JD

Wednesday One-Liners Rent Bronx Butt-Sluts

Hipster: And I was like, 'Okay, well, here's some advice for you, then: Why don't you peel a banana and shove it up your ass?'

--Bedford Ave

Sassy black girl: Man, I love anal sex! That shit puts me to sleep!

--Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: Auston McLain

Girl to guy: I am not shoving anything in your hole!

--LIRR

Overheard by: mish

Middle-aged man: Now I want you to take your dick out and fuck him in the ass.

--5th Ave & Union

Overheard by: Stephen

Woman on cell: You tell him he better pay for it. I better get his money. He needs a dick up the ass, that's what he needs. A fucking dick up the ass. 'Cause I got it. I got it all. So he better fucking pay for it.

--Restroom, JFK

Overheard by: colette

Angry man to friend: Well, fuck you up the ass! You just don't understand religion!

--Empire State Building, 34th & 5th

Overheard by: Wendy Booz

I've Sucked Those Toes, So I Know!

Chick: Look, I didn't paint my toenails red after you made that comment.
Guy: Good, because the only girls who do that are selling their ass on the street.

--14th St & 7th Ave

They Both Missed Their Stop

Old lady: Are you getting off at this stop?
Guy: The train hasn't stopped yet.
Old lady: I know, but I want to be ready when it does.
Guy: Don't worry, you'll be ready.
Old lady: Yeah, but you're a lot bigger than I am.
Guy: I'm not going to block the door.
Old lady: Yeah, but I'm carrying a lot heavier bags than you are.
Guy: You should get a cart.
Old lady: You should get a donkey!
Guy: A donkey? I'll consider it.

--N Train approaching Queensboro Bridge

Overheard by: Laughing N Train

I Want a Piece of That Action!

Seated old guy gesturing across the street to young couple kissing: Why do they keep doing that? They do that every morning!
Old guy walking by: Yeah?
Seated old guy: Every morning!
Old guy walking by: Bah, humbug!

--N5 & Bedford, Williamsburg

Exactly the Response the Artist Was Looking For

Giggling little girl placing hand in butt-crack of a statue: Daddy, look!
Father: Spank it!

--Times Warner Building, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Adam Distler

Unless It Were Really Sunny out and I Wanted Some Shade

Girl: Would you still love me if I was fat?
Guy: Well, I don't love you now. You being fat would probably make it so that I wouldn't even hang out with you.

--Rockefeller Center train station

Overheard by: SandmanEsq

And Blow Jobs, as You Can Surmise

Clipboard harasser: Hey there!
Guy, noting sticker on clipboard: 'Mean people suck,' huh?
Clipboard harasser: Would you like to talk about Greenpeace?
Guy: Sorry. I only care about money.

--48th St & 6th Ave

Nine Months is Not Nearly Enough Notice

Guy: What would you do if you had plans and then your sister had a baby?
Friend: Ummm... I'd go be with my sister.
Guy: Well, I wouldn't.

--N train

Overheard by: Katie

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Permit for That

Woman: So he wakes up trippin' in the middle of the night, telling me to go get him a gun.

--Queens Blvd & 82nd Ave, Queens

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Conductor: This is an express train. Express. Express. Express. No Fordham, no Bronx. Express, express, express. Well...I wanna shoot myself!

--Metro North train

Overheard by: Jeff

Man: Hey baby, nice body ... Get fat and I'll shoot ya.

--Classon Ave & Lafayette Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: sheila

Hobo: My grandma isn't here anymore to send me to the store to buy her a Colt 45, but I can still love Jesus!

--Uptown 3 train

Overheard by: jane shields

Ghetto guy: Man, my boy just got shot!

--Stanton St & Orchard St

Overheard by: Kris

Thug: A gun? You gotta shoot that bitch with a crossbow.

--L train, Lorimer Ave

Wednesday-One-Liners Prep for Their Roles in Mean Girls II

Woman on cell: I feel bad about ripping the kid off, but...

--Fort Greene Park

Overheard by: Zoe

Suit: Well, apparently I'm part psychic and part asshole.

--Union Square

Overheard by: quite the combo

Blue collar guy: I stopped giving to panhandlers 10 years ago. This guy hit me up every day at my stop and one day I gave him a sandwich and some cigarettes. I watched him and he threw the sandwich away. I went over to him and worked him over pretty bad. I dumped the trash can and took out the sandwich and then took the cigarettes away from him. Then I knocked him down again and took all the money out of his pockets. I was really mad when he threw that sandwich away. Now I never give anything to those guys.
Suit: Yep...

--1 train, Houston St

Overheard by: Amused Minnesotan

Woman on cell: You see, this is why you just can't be nice to people. I was nice to her once, once! And now she thinks we're friends. Like I need this!

--Bus stop near Radio City Music Hall

Yuppie on cell: I don't give a fuck about them. As long as I'm on their will, I don't really give a shit.

--34th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Gunita

Girl: So my grandma died last week and it sucked so bad, I had to drive all the way to Hartford on Saturday and I totally missed the huge sale at H&M.

--Statue of Liberty

Overheard by: SuziQ

Is It Bad That This Kind of Gives Me a Chub?

Punk: How long have you had them?
Queer with three Greyhounds: Oh different times. They all come from abusive breeders and abusive owners and we take them in.
Punk: They're so beautiful. I'd totally abuse them.

--9th St, between 1St & A Ave

When You See a Running Burka, Can a Judicial Stoning Be Far Behind?

Teen boy, watching a running woman in burka: When you see one of those runnin', you gotta run for cover!

--Forest Hills

Overheard by: someone's mom

Enslaving Africans Gives Me the Munchies

Suit #1: That's how we can get people to join us on the safari! We'll say, 'come on our safari and bring back your own little Namibian!'
Suit #2: That reminds me, do you have the M&Ms?

--57th St & 7th Ave

Which Are just Impossible to Get Clean

Drunk southern sailor: Yo! Where can we get some punani? Dave needs to milk it! I have a girlfriend, and he's got a girlfriend, but I'm throwing that to the wind and getting on it
Sailor #2: No way man, we're in our whites.

--12th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: cp

And if I Wanted to Demonstrate Praeteritio, I Would Have...Never Mind

Suit: I wouldn't want to tangle with you, bitch.
Ghetto girl: I can't believe you just called me a bitch. That is so offensive!
Suit: Don't be so uptight. In the city, bitch is just a generic term for female. If I wanted to offend you I would have called you a cunt. So chill.

--Burger King, 23rd & Park Avenue South

Find Me One With Naked Everything

Maid of Honor, posing for wedding photos on the steps to the library: How about over there in front of the fountain?
Bride: No. She's got naked boobies.
Maid of Honor: It's art.

--New York Public Library

Overheard by: Jaydubjay

C'mon, That Shit Was Weaker Than What We Snorted at Frank's Funeral

Dude #1: It's not like you did anything for me...
Dude #2: I brought the cocaine... I brought cocaine for you at my engagement party!

--Rumsey Field, Central Park

Overheard by: Jet Black

Remember That Hipster who Referred to MySpace as 'Friendster but for Artists'?

Hispanic teen #1: Oh my God girl! You're such a fucking bitch!
Hispanic teen #2: Pshaa... Nigga please, I got like 300 friends on MySpace and you only got like 100, bitch.
Hispanic teen #1: At least I didn't sleep with all my 300 friends.
Hispanic teen #2: You are so off my top 14.
Hispanic teen #1: You aren't even on mine, so I dont give a shit.
Hispanic teen #2: Bitch

--Union Square

Overheard by: Bryan

Seven Months Later, she Complains About Having to Step Around the Amniotic Fluid to Get to the Door

Hobo woman: Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for...
Non-hobo man: Oh, hell no!
Hobo woman: ... for interupting you during your trip. I'm homeless...
Non-hobo man: I'm homeless, too! Shut-up!
Homeless woman: And I'm two months pregnant...
Non-hobo man: You ain't pregnant! You just fat! Sit-down and shut-up!

--F train

Overheard by: Brooklyn Dodgy

In Manhattan, Polite and Rude Can Be Hard to Distinguish

Guy #1: You should say excuse me!
Guy #2: I did say excuse me!
Guy #1: Oh...
Guy #2: What I should have said is 'Don't stand in front of the fucking doors!"

--Uptown 4 Train

The Ivory Tower has Some Cum Stains

Guy #1: Oh my god man! I just saw my ex!
Guy #2: So...fuck her!
Guy #1: Yeah,... fuck that fucking cunt...fucking cunt!
Guy #2: Did she look hot...?
Guy #1: Cunt.

--Pace University

Overheard by: Al Wilner

Condescension Is Like Vitamin B

Girl: So I swept everything into a pile and I walked away for like, a second, and when I come back this little Mexican girl and her mom are seriously dancing in this pile of garbage and totally fucking up my sweeping. Why would anyone do that?!
Guy: Dude, they were Mexican. Garbage is like water to them.

--Urban Outfitters

Warning: This Story is Character-Driven

Rhodes Scholar wigger: Yeah, we ain't together no more. Bitch had the nerve to dump me.
Friend: What happened? You guys looked fine last week. It doesn't make sense.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: She wasn't down with how I roll. Always dissin' the way I talk and shit--you know, correcting me and shit. Said she couldn't take it no more, that I was always actin' ign-i-ant or some shit. Like she's some brain scientist or some shit. Bitch was always wrong anyways.
Friend: Brain surgeon.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: What?
Friend: You said brain scientist. I think you meant brain surgeon.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: Dat's what I said nigga, you just heard me wrong.
Friend: You know what, suddenly it does makes sense.

--Manhattan bound F train

Overheard by: SandmanEsq

And I Insist Upon Sharing All the Details of Our Love with You...Son

Thug #1: Your mom is a lady, bro.
Thug #2: I don't want to hear no more of this shit. Go fuck her in the ass. Go fuck her in the ear. I don't want to hear it.
Thug #1: No, dawg. She a WOMAN.
Thug #2: Fuck you, I said stoppit.
Thug #1: I know you smart. I know you smart. But she is a lady.

--61st and CPW

Overheard by: Lauren Michelle

Grand Slam Wednesday One-Liners

Man selling CDs: If you like the Mets, you will love my album!

--8th & Broadway

Overheard by: nicole


Mets fan: I don't care if I have one lung, or only have half a pancreas, or if I lose a leg falling in front of the train. As long as the Mets win, I'm good to go.

--7 train


Asshole, pointing to guy with Red Sox bumper sticker on his wheelchair: He's a Boston fan; let's kick his ass! Oh wait, looks like God beat us to it.

--126th & St Nick


Conductor, on PA: That Johnny Damon. He sure looks like Jesus. But he sure throws like my little sister.

--Amtrak train out of Penn Station

Overheard by: Lisita


MTA worker: All people for the Mets game, go to your right. All people for the US Open, if any, go to your left.

--Willets Point-Shea Stadium subway station

Overheard by: Emily


Thugette: Yo, when I make it in show business, I will not speak to Ben Affleck. When I found out he's a Red Sox fan, I decided then and there.

--Q65 bus

Overheard by: A White Bear


Conductor: 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. Let Big Papi know who the real MVP is.

--D train

Overheard by: Lindsay J.

I Need an ATM, Bitchy McSarcasm

Tourist #1: Oooh, let's go in here!
Tourist #2: That's a bank, you moron.

--Bank of America, Times Square

Overheard by: Allisa

Look, You Can't Go Around Displaying Enthusiasm -- What Will People Think?

Woman #1: Oooh! Look! A kid's store! It's so cute!
Woman #2: I hate you. I hate you for telling me that.

--5th Ave

Overheard by: Hannah

Just Object When They Ask

Chick #1: Yeah, so I kinda wanna go to the wedding, you know, to see the spectacle.
Chick #2: Mm-hmm.
Chick #1: But on the other hand, I don't want it to seem like she has any friends.

--Q65A bus

Overheard by: christine

If Any of Them Get Up the Nerve to Approach a Girl

Chick: You can tell this is the comics section 'cause all the fat, ugly people are here.
Dude: You're gonna get lynched.

--Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Javier G.

Wallace Shawn Has VERY High Standards

Guy #1: So I said, "Well, you all are, like, almost hot."
Guy #2: Wait, why did you do that?
Guy #1: Oh, I wasn't going to hook up with any of them. So then I said, "See, it's like you all could be hot. Like she has a nice ass, you have a nice nose... I just wish I could put all of you together and create one big Frankenpussy."

--Bleecker & Sullivan

Why Is She Telling Her Daughter a Horse 'Fits' Her?

Mother: So, if you could be any animal, which do you think would represent you the best? I think a horse fits you.
Daughter: What? A horse? No. I want to be a unicorn.
Mother: You're mentally ill.

--Balthazar, Spring & Crosby

Overheard by: apples

Iraq Did the Same Thing, and Look at Them

Black woman: You're my lawyer! Ain't it your fucking job to take care of shit like this?! All you white people, controlling everything--you're all incompetent! Fuckin' white people!
White attorney: Sandra*, please calm down.
Black woman: Fuckin' white people!
White attorney: Ma'am, speaking as a white person who happens to hold $379,000 of your money in escrow, may I suggest you stop cursing at us and calm down before I get up and take your checks with me?
Black woman: I will not calm down!!

White attorney gets up and leaves the room.

Woman's husband: See what you did? You done upset the white man. I ain't got no problem wit you cursin' at crackahs, but why you gotta go and piss off the white man who got all our money?

--54th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: Amused white intern

Always Playing the Processor Card

Guy: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult your computer. I didn't know it was a cheap computer. I'm sorry.
Girl: You didn't insult my computer. You insulted my socio-economic status.

--7th St between A & B

Portrait of the Social Worker as a Young Girl

Girl #1: Dammit, they're putting one of the wheelchair people on the bus!
Girl #2: Fuck, man...You know, they should just put a handle on the back of the bus.
Girl #1: Yeah, that could be fun for them!

--M12 bus

Orthodox Mormons Have All the Fun

Guy on cell: Hello?...What do you mean you have bad news?...You're pregnant? How could you be pregnant?...I thought you were on the Pill? How did this happen?!...I just got engaged to your sister on the 4th of July...This is really bad news...How long have you known?...A week?! Why did you wait a week to tell me?...Your sister is going to go through the roof...No, she doesn't come back until Monday...So, I'll see you tonight?...I told you, I just got engaged to your sister. You can't be pregnant...Okay, have a good afternoon.

He makes another call.

Guy on cell: Hey...You know Claire*?...Yeah, Lauren's* sister...Yeah, the hot one...Well, she's pregnant...Me!

--46th between 5th & 6th

Assumptions: They Make an Ass Out of U and Social Workers

Lady: Hey, how do I get to Court Street?
Hobo: Two blocks that way...See, we're not all that bad. You got any change?
Lady: No, I know. Shut up. I'm a social worker.

--Brooklyn Heights

Even Worse, it Was on His Mom's Side

College kid #1: God, that girl over there's hot!
College kid #2: Dude, you need to stop being so obsessed with chicks with tattoos. I fucked a girl with a tattoo, and it was pretty unpleasant.
College kid #1: That's because she was 48 years old and a grandmother...[To entire train] Did everyone hear that? A grandmother!

--L train

Overheard by: Zak Santucci

Yeah, You'll Never Get Your Plastic Surgeon's License

Asshole: I can't believe I did that last night!
Asshole's friend: What?
Asshole, pointing to unattractive girl walking by: That!

--Marymount College

Overheard by: KC

Pregnant Romanian Acrobat?

Doorman #1: What if she was a Chinese woman, would you help her?
Doorman #2: Oh, hell no.

--W 77th St

Overheard by: Cole Goadbog

I'm More of an 'Assfuck 'em and Leave 'em Crying in a Puddle of their Own Urine' Kind of Girl

Teenage girl #1: Then he was kissing my forehead a lot after we hooked up so I told everyone there he was gay.
Teenage girl #2: Yeah, that is really gay.

--Houston St station

Do the Polite Thing and Just Buy Her a Nose Job For Her 21st Birthday

NYU girl #1: I am so fucking sick of the Jews for Jesus everywhere.
NYU girl #2: Yeah, I know, it's really annoying.
NYU girl #1: It's not annoying; it's fucking insulting! What, do I look Jewish to them? I mean, seriously, I don't, do I? You'd tell me if I looked Jewish, right?

--Washington Sq Park

Overheard by: Emily

Behind the Laughter: Obscenities and Addiction

Balloon-Twisting clown: Ha ha! What are you, some kind of fucking gypsy?
Face painter dressed as gypsy: Do you want a fucking cigarette or what?

--Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: I quit, but that juggler looks like he could

Manners Third

'That Guy', after proposing during the game, is standing and hugging his fiancee.

Yankee fan: What are we doing, playing baseball or getting married? Yankees first, wife second! Now sit the fuck down.

--Section 18, Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Lindsay

If We Don't Alienate Them, We're Just Letting the Cripples Win

Girl on cell: Hey, Jim...Yeah I'm on the bus. We're at 8th Street, but they're loading a cripple on, so I'm going to be late....I know!

Later in the ride...

Girl on cell: Hey, Jimmy...Yeah, now they're unloading the cripple. You guys should just start eating. I know! Didn't people used to be housebound? Don't they do that anymore?

--B63 bus, Park Slope

Overheard by: lish

She Should Not Have Done a Wheelie on My Foot, Though

Snob chick: So then she was like, "You're only saying that because I'm handicapped!" I hate the fucking handicap excuse.
Reverse-snob chick: But you were only saying that because she was handicapped.
Snob chick: Yeah...

--Washington Square Park

No, Dear Heart, I'm With You

Queer: I would never want my little girl to be in Girl Scouts!
Girl: Why?
Queer: Because Girl Scouts is for lesbians.
Girl: That's not true! I was in Girl Scouts, and I'm not a lesbian!
Queer: Yeah, but you're fat and alone.

--Washington Sq Park

Officer, I am Innocent. The Tire Iron Hit His Head!

Dude #1 opens a taxi door, hitting Dude #2's car.

Dude #2: Yo, man, what the fuck? You hit my car!
Dude #1, walking away: The taxi hit your car.

--28th, between 10th & 11th

Overheard by: Milan P

Spheres of Influence

Woman: I'm sorry, I know this is probably a lot to ask for, so I apologize, but do you think that you could maybe close your legs a little bit, please?
Suit, with his legs still spread wide: No. My balls are too big.

--7 train

Overheard by: cowering in corner

He Rides the Subway For Research, Dumbass

DVD hawker: I got Superman, X-Men III, all high quality.
Guy: Those are illegal! You're stealing from me. I'm a writer.
DVD hawker: What? Did you write any of these?
Guy: You're selling illegal goods. I'm a writer. You're stealing from me!
DVD hawker: If you wrote any of these movies, you wouldn't be riding the subway.

--Uptown E train

The Production of Stupidity Is Clearly in the Hands of the Workers

Teen thug #1: That shit back in the day was like common-ism.
Teen thug #2: Yo, you mean Communism, stupid ass!

--1 train, 86th St

Overheard by: Tommy Wooh

Wednesday One-Liners Have a History of Violence

Guy, to girl: If I wanted to be angry, I would have punched you in the face a long time ago.

--34th & 7th


Woman on cell: Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.

--33rd St & 31st Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Wade


Woman: It's not like someone put a gun to your head and told you to fuck her!

--Penn Station

Overheard by: Cha


Guy on cell: Yes, I'm interested in your sparring class...No, you see I want to hit somebody.

--Bryant Park

Overheard by: Braincurve


Thug, to his girlfriend: Yo, I don't care if you a girl or not. I will bust you in the head with a rock.

--Central Park

They Make All the Kids Wear Those When They Visit Neverland Now

Woman: What's this one called?
Man, leaning in to read the card: Please Don't Touch.

--MoMA

Overheard by: Andrew Toutain

You Said the Back Of Your Throat Itched!

Guy #1: Dude. Don't hold my hand; that is so gay.
Guy #2: Ok, so I can suck your dick, but not hold your hand?

--Outside Down The Hatch, 4th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Romany

No, You Should Feel Bad Because I Can't Fucking See Around You, Fatty

Mets fan: Yo, white and chubby, sit down!
Chick: Just because some loser Mets fan wants an anorexic, Abercrombie-wearing, dick-sucking, slutty cunt for a girlfriend, I should feel bad because you think I'm white and chubby?!

--Yankee Stadium, between sections 37 & 39

Overheard by: another creature

I'm Pretty Sure Africa Has Extradition Now

Guy #1: I'd rape her. I mean, if I were in Africa I'd rape her.
Guy #2: She has a cameraman that knows kung fu, you foul Negro!
Guy #1: After I shoot him in the head, all that kung fu knowledge bleeds out.

--Katra, Bowery & Rivington

Overheard by: Michael Winfield

She Should Not Have Asked to Watch

Boyfriend: Oooh, you look pretty in that dress.
Girlfriend: You're revolting. Don't touch me.
Queer buddy: Jeremy, this is your stop. Penn Station. Get out.
Boyfriend: No it isn't. This is 96th Street.
Girlfriend: Do you have any idea how much I hate you? Stop touching me.

--Downtown A train

Overheard by: Shane

And It Wears Off in Six Hours!

Toy soldier doorman: Sorry, sir, the store is closing and we're not letting anyone else in.
Guy: But I have an enormous expense account!

--FAO Schwartz

Overheard by: Dugan Hayes

Tough Love From His Straight Guy Support Group Sponsor

Latino guy on cell: Oh, she's "tearing your heart out"? You're a fucking faggot.

--Metropolitan & Union

Overheard by: Outmacked

A Quick Superiority Dance, Then Back to the Port Authority Bus Terminal

Tourist #1: What park is this? Where am I?
Tourist #2: It's Tompkins Square Park.
Tourist #1: Well, I am clearly too good for this park.
Tourist #2: What?
Tourist #1: Seriously, look at these people. I am way too good for this park and these people.

--7th and Ave A

Overheard by: Miss Parker

Damnit, the GHB Should Be Working By Now!

Girl: Oh, and in French, they say-
Guy: -I don't care.
Girl: This date has been awful.
Guy: Shut up!

--78th & Broadway

Transactional Analysis in the Ghetto

Voice over speaker phone: Bitch, I tol' you stay away! I tol' you back off! Bitch!
Girl, very calmly: That kinda attitude is why your man is eatin' my pussy.

--Washington & Lafayette, Clinton Hill

Overheard by: nmf

Upon Contact With Chuck Norris, They Annihilate Each Other

Old-lady candy-pusher: I be sellin' candy for the school. I have M&Ms and Jujyfruits and Almond Joy with and without the nuts.
Drunken gay guy: Nobody wants your candy. It probably has razor blades in it and shit. Just go away.
Old-lady candy-pusher: Look at you talkin'. You are the anti man!

--downtown 2 train

Overheard by: Stefanie

His Mom Always Said That, Too, But She Meant the Other Kind of Special

Girl: I accidentally got on at the wrong station and my card says "just used." Could you let me through?
MTA employee: You broke the rules. Do you think it's okay to break the rules where you work?
Girl: I'm sorry?
MTA employee: Oh, you must think you're special. Guess what? You're not.
Girl: My mom says I'm special.

--Bergen St. subway, Brooklyn

Even the Fans Inject

Dad: Ok, ok, it's two outs, we'll go after this batter.
Boy: Dad, I want water!
Dad: You know what I see? An impatient little boy who can't wait five minutes.
Boy: You know what I see? Someone who's gonna have their face broken because they didn't have any water!

--Yankee Stadium


Overheard by: Becka Dash

Plenty of Tricks Don't Require Pants

Hobo: Do you have a dollar?
Suit: Yes.
Hobo: May I have it?
Suit: Shouldn't you do a trick first?
Hobo: Fucker, I don't even own pants! You want me to dance for that shit?

--49th Street station


Overheard by: dank

Self-Loathing Tourists Are the Worst Kind

Tourist chick: Know what would be awesome? If we could manage to not sound like assholes for like 10 minutes.
Tourist guy: We're from Ohio.

--PATH train

The Adolescent Female Hybrids Are Strangely Weepy

Husband: The male hybrids seem to want to breed but the females aren't interested, they just sit there and make no attempt to communicate with their peer group.
Wife: Are you being condescending? I sometimes think....I feel you're being condescending, especially when you talk about the hybrids....
Daughter starts to cry.
Husband: This is never constructive. We'll continue this later.

--7th Ave & 9th St, Park Slope

Overheard by: I really hope they're gardeners

That's Mistress Mayhem to You

Guy: Thanks, ma'am.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me "ma'am?"? Do I look like a ma'am? I don't look that old, do I?
Guy: No, no; "ma'am" is a sign of respect, not age.
Teenage cashier: Okay, then.
Guy: Uh, thanks, hot mama.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me "hot mama"?

--Gourmet Garage, Broadway


Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Or Just Worn a Gas Mask

Girl #1: I told you I finally got that bag right? It was marked down to $200 and...
Guy: My god! Can you stop talking to me, your breath stinks!

Silence until they exit at 96th St.

Girl #2 to friend: Dang, guys are mad grimey these days. He coulda been a gentleman and offered the sista a stick of gum or something.

--1 train


Overheard by: Shea

I've Had About Enough of Her

Man: I can't believe how many immigrants there are.
Woman: Send 'em all back, what do I care.
Man: Isn't, like, your mom an immigrant? We all came from immigrants, you know.
Woman: Wah wah, send 'em back.

--D train, Columbus Circle


Overheard by: Lauren Michelle

He Got the Idea from Dr. Phil