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I'd Rather Be Beaten Than Listen to Any More of That
Man: Fuck you.
Woman: Fuck you.
Man: Fuck you.
Woman: Fuck you.
Six-year-old girl: Cunt.
--Grand Central
At the Free Will Special Olympics
Man: I'm just going to break into the apartment, okay?
Woman: You can't break into the apartment! It's not even your apartment!
Man: I can do whatever I want! Not you or anybody else is going to tell me what I can and cannot do!
--E 4th St & Ave A
Overheard by: martin
He Should Have Worn His Sombrero
Man to waiter making tea: Hey, you know how many Mexicans it takes to make iced tea? None! Because you're not Mexican! Ha!
Waiter: Why would you say that? I am Mexican.
--Mike's Café, Brooklyn
He Could Have Insulted Them Even More by Calling Them "Tourists"
Tourist kid: Look! The Empire State Building!
Tourist mom: Where? I don't see it.
tourist kid: The big, pointy one!
Tourist mom: Oooh, let's take a picture!
Passerby: That's the Chrysler Building, you fucking niggers.
--Outside NYC Public Library
Overheard by: johnny salami
Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about Male Psychology but Were Afraid to Ask
Crying hot chick: I don't understand why you spent half the night telling me all the reasons you can't be with me and then wanted to have sex with me anyway!
Douchebag: Uh, you were pretty... And naked.
--Houston & Allen
What You Do with the EZ-Kill 3000 Is Really Up to You
Yankee fan #1: It's so awesome. They can cut through cardboard -- anything. These things are so sharp they could really do anything.
Yankee fan #2: Like stab my wife?
--Bronx-bound 4 train
Overheard by: sternie
Isn't "Creepy Clown" Redundant?
Creepy clown outside Harry Potter party: Hey! Are you kids here for Harry Potter?
Group of super-excited kids: Yeah!
Creepy clown: I really hate that guy!
--Barnes & Noble, Staten Island
When Even Nerds Get Age-Vain, What Chance Do We Have?
Pushing-40 nerd #1: Dude, the Matrix trilogy is like the original Star Wars trilogy for my generation.
Pushing-40 nerd #2: Whatever, man. Dude, you're, like, 38. The original Star Wars trilogy is the Star Wars trilogy of your generation.
Pushing-40 nerd #1: Fuck you.
--Javits Center
This Must Be That "New York Flair" We've Been Hearing So Much About
Ghetto girl crossing against the light, as cabbie honks: Dat's right! Dat's right! Dat's right! Hit me! I needs the fuckin' money!
Brit tourist, waiting for 'Walk' light: Oh, how charming.
--32nd & 7th
Overheard by: Just Trying to Make My Train
It's Funny 'til Somebody Pokes an Eardrum Out
Lady: Oh my god, I've heard this song before!
Patron: It's all ABBA music, jackass.
--Mamma Mia, Winter Garden Theatre
Overheard by: Todd
And Neither Will Thousands of YouTube Viewers
Older drunk, tightly hugging young guy: ... And don't think I'm gonna forget. When that happened, who gave me new underwears and washed my ass?
Younger guy, trying to get away: Man, just forget about that!
Older drunk: No! I'm not gonna forget about that!
--Greenpoint, Brooklyn
A Dumb Bitch Who Just Took Your Wallet, Bucko
Fat guy: I love you.
Cute girl: Do you really mean what you say, or are you just saying it?
Fat guy: Of course I mean it. [They make out, then chick leaves.] What a dumb bitch.
--W4 station
Overheard by: Ting
And I Prefer to Be Called "Rubenesque"
Very loud woman: You ain't gonna believe the shit that bitch said to me.
Friend: Who? Your friend?
Very loud woman: Yeah, that bitch, my friend. She ain't my friend.
Friend: What she say?
Very loud woman: She say, 'Oh, girl, I ain't seen you in a long time -- like weeks! You look so swollen! Why you so swollen?' I was like, 'Bitch, I ain't swollen, I'm fat. Why you dissin' me?'
--Starbucks, St. Mark's
I Heart New York (A Short Story)
Wheelbette: Excuse me, sir -- do you have the time?
Guy: Shut up.
--26th & 6th
So You're Saying You Won't Give Me a Blowjob?
Man: So, you think I can't understand because I don't have a vagina?
Lesbo: Don't sit like that!
Man: What do you mean?
Lesbo: You're crossing your legs so condescendingly!
--Tea Lounge, Park Slope
Overheard by: Lemma
Headline by: Manbo
Runners-Up:
· "Almost Enough to Make Up for You Lack Of Vagina" - John Gray
· "I'm Just Jealous Because Mine Are Too Fat to Cross That Perfectly" - shenanigans
· "I'm Just Protecting My Tool Of Oppression." - robs
· "Well You're Waving Your Vagina Condescendingly" - burnt toast
· "Worst Yoga Class Ever" - benji
· "Yeah, Well Tell Your Nipples to Quit Pointing at Me" - pw
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Experiencing New and Exotic STDs
Suit #1: So basically what you're saying is that your misses is a whore?
Suit #2: Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Suit #1: And you're okay with this?
Suit #2: I'm cool with it as long as I keep getting lots of head.
--85th & Lex
Overheard by: marisa
Oooh, My First Rude New Yorker!
Suit: Hey, do you have a light?
Polite Englishman: Sorry, I don't smoke.
Suit: I asked for a light, not your fucking life story.
--Times Square
Overheard by: English, not polite
I Don't Need to Take This from a Pregnant Stripper
Angry girl: What do you mean you didn't fuck up?
Boyfriend: I didn't fuck up!
Angry girl: You got a stripper pregnant! You fucked up!
--Sandwich shop, Bleecker
Overheard by: Catie
Do You Want to Start Learning Things? Do You?!
Little boy, passing gym: Oooh, they're doing exercises in an exercises store!
Little girl: Is that their job?
Mother: I told you to stop asking so many damn questions!
--B51 bus, Brooklyn
So Get Off My Foot and Find Things That Actually Deserve to Be Crushed
Angry, sweaty man pushing through crowd: Come on, move in! There's a lot of room in the middle!
Calm man: There's also a lot of dreams in this world.
--2 train, 34th St
Overheard by: mf
Headline by: CVK
Runners-Up:
· "The Buddha Grows Up" - Barry P.
· "Both Require That Someone Else Gives a Fuck" - Rick Felice
· "Crowds to the Left Of Me, Dreamers to the Right, Here I Am" - Golf Widow
· "The Alternative Martin Luther King Speech" - Peter Madsen
· "Well, Get Them the Hell Out Of My Way!" - Jo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Oh, Kristin Chenoweth, You're Plenty Intimidating!
Guy: You really should move. It's not safe there.
Girl: Yeah, the woman next to me got robbed recently.
Guy: If I ever walked into my house and saw a nigger standing in my living room, I'd fucking unload a full clip into him. He'd start making excuses, but I wouldn't fucking care. Then I'd pick up the phone and call the police and tell them I killed him. And he'd say, 'Nooo!' and I'd say, 'Yep, got a dead body on my property,' and then I'd blow his nuts off.
Girl: Oh... Well, I don't usually carry a gun around with me.
Guy: I always carry a gun with me. I would run out with my shirt off and my gun in my hand and scare that fucker.
Girl: Well, I don't think I'd be that intimidating.
--Crema Restaurante, 17th & 6th
Overheard by: Aubrey
The Metaphor Still Works, Asshole.
Bimbette: She was being such a bitch, and I was like, 'You catch more flies with honey than you do with a fly swatter, y'know.'
Boyfriend: Don't talk. Seriously. Just stand there and look hot, okay?
--Penn Station
Overheard by:
To Make You Grateful to Be Childless
Man: Excuse me, but that kid's screaming is ruining my museum experience.
Dad pushing stroller with shrieker inside: Listen, pal, she's two years old--
Man: --So why did you bring her?!
--Ancient Near East Galleries, the Met
What's This "We" Shit?
Man pushing stroller: Do we have a bottle?
Bitchy wife: No, we have my breasts.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Aaron Padwee
Headline by: Danny
Runners-Up:
· "I Can't Beat You With Those" - Digeridude
· "I Meant for the Baby." - thisdaydreamer
· "Shall I Preheat Them For You?" - Mike Curry
· "They're in the Diaper Bag" - Bri
· "Well Pop a Top, Beeyotch!" - Pozo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Times New Roman
Rude famous guy: Do you know who I am?!
Waitress: No... But I know your type...
--Blue Water Grill, Union Square
Overheard by: Martin
I'm not looking at you. Your bored son is masturbating.
Father: Is he asleep over there?
Mother: Yeah, he's dozing. [Looks at other son.] Are you asleep, too?
Son #2: I'm bored.
Mother: He's always bored. I must've been bored when I made him. [Stands up and leans on father's knee and starts humping.] I'm bored, I'm bored[yawns], I'm bored.
Father: That guy is looking at you.
Mother: So? He doesn't look boring like you.
--Queens-bound F train
Overheard by: That guy on the F Train
Headline by: Jason
Runners-Up:
· "Charles and Diana Ride the Subway?" - Shawn
· "Most Priests Aren't That Exciting" - Brock
· "They Don't Call It the F Train for Nothing" - Sean McGurr
· "This Is the Express Train: From Boring to Whoring" - Sim Etrias
· "Try the Middle Leg....it's Less Boring" - nicky c.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Go Three Blocks That Way and Turn Right at the Plastic Hotels
Obnoxious woman: Excuse me, excuse me! Do you know where Park Place is?
Jaded youth: Next to Boardwalk.
Obnoxious woman: Where is that?
--E Broadway
Overheard by: Mr. Money Bags
I'd Do It Myself, but I Just Had My Nails Done
Yuppie #1: Somebody had better shut that kid up.
Yuppie #2: Someone should tell that woman to control her child.
Yuppie #3, across train: Would somebody please tell that woman to shake her baby?!
--Very crowded R train
Overheard by: The3rdBridge
You're Not the Only Store in Town
Chick: Please, please, please get these for me.
Guy: [Laughs, shakes his head.]
Chick: I promise I'll give it to you 10 times today.
Guy: I don't need you to. I get it every day.
Chick: No, you don't! You haven't gotten it in a month!
--Sneaker store, 82nd & Roosevelt
Overheard by: Liza
Nothing Like Faint Praise from the Unworthy
Outgoing misogynist: See, my friend gives you a nine, but that's because he loves Puerto Rican women. I give you a seven-and-a-half. [Lady nods without looking up from her magazine.] So, what do you think?
Head-in-hands misogynist: I think you just embarrassed me.
Outgoing misogynist: I think you overshot with that nine, that's what I think.
--4 train
Overheard by: Alex
Talk Is Cheap
Man to guy he bumped into: I hope you have to watch your children die!
Man's wife: Shhh, honey, you can't just say that!
--Times Square
And Inexplicably Looove Titanic
Dude #1: The Japanese can't be that racist!
Dude #2: All I'm saying is, drop another couple of nukes on them and they're still going to hate the blacks.
--Eastchester & Morris Park, Bronx
No, I Think We Went to Obedience School Together
Girl: I think that dog is staring at me...
Guy: Don't flatter yourself.
--Washington Square dog park
Overheard by: Dog and people watcher
Why Every Girl Needs a Slutty Friend
Teen girl: [Mumbles.]
Clerk: What?
Teen girl: [Speaks softly.]
Clerk: You're going to have to speak up.
Teen girl: [Leans over counter and mumbles.]
Clerk: What? What the fuck are those? [Yells to coworker] Tina*! Do we have any morning after pills? [Teen girl sprints out of store.]
--Crowded CVS
Stepford Wife Technology Can't Arrive Soon Enough for Me
Suit #1: She's smart, funny, beautiful... What more could you ask for?
Suit #2: Yeah, but she probably votes. I don't like women that vote.
--Union Station
Overheard by: Jacksonian Democracy
How Wily Odysseus Escaped the Island of Calypso
Conductor on PA: Excuse me, ma'am, maybe it would work better if you went to the next door -- it's less crowded. [Lady walks to next door, but before she gets there the conductor closes them.] Haha, bitch! Toot, toot!
--Crowded 2 train
Overheard by: CeLia
Jesus: No, We're Cool Now
Teacher: Does anyone know what 'condemned' means? Okay, let me give you an example: The Jews condemned Jesus. [Everyone looks at only Jewish student in class, who then glares at the teacher.] Oh, I'm so sorry!
--Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island
I've Been Trying to Help Lucky Get to the Cereal Bowl for Years
Info booth lady: I only have this map -- it's really not very helpful at all.
Tourist: Great! Thank you! This is exactly what I need!
--N train
Hocking Your Bronzed Baby Booties Doesn't Count
Homie #1: Fuck you, nigga! You ain't hustlin'!
Homie #2: No, fuck you! My shit is tight!
Homie #1: I'm still spendin' money from '93, nigga!
Homie #2: I'm still spendin' money from '88, nigga!
--119th & 7th
Overheard by: yvahn
Or I'll Never Finish This Clay Ashtray before Our Exam Time Is Up
Chick #1: How many colors are in two rainbows?
Chick #2: Shut up, Kimberly!
--NYU
Overheard by: Clara
Hey, You're a Nice Guy; You Just Suck
NYU kid yelling to band from dorm window: Hey! You suck!
Singer at nice event: Uh, this is for charity.
--W 4th & MacDougal
I Told You I Have a Protein Deficiency, Okay?
Girlfriend: Ugh, I have the worst taste in my mouth.
Boyfriend: That's 'cause you're a whore.
Girlfriend: ... I don't get it.
Boyfriend: Your mouth tastes bad 'cause you suck too much cock.
Girlfriend: Oh my god! You're such an asshole!
Boyfriend: I love you, baby.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: sweetpea
Anal Sex: What Can't It Fix?
Fashionista gets off elevator, bumping into guys on her way out.
Balding Greek guy: You know what she needs? A good dick up the ass, that's what she needs!
Black guy: That's what all them bitches need.
--1407 Broadway
Overheard by: Big Larry
At My Wedding
Dude #1: So I was, like, having intercourse with my girlfriend's mom, and my girlfriend came home and caught us.
Dude #2: That happened to me before.
--D train
Overheard by: Ed
I Gave Him My Best Parker Posey Lip Curl and Left the Train
Snooty alternative chick: So, for some reason I always get these creepy guys talking to me on the train. This one guy on the ride over here looked over at my iPod and I was listening to The Fall, right? And he's like, 'That's an interesting song. It's like punk, right?' And so then he pulls out his iPod and starts trying to impress me with his shitty music list.
Alternative guy: What was on it?
Snooty alternative chick: Blink 182 and Good Charlotte and stuff... And it's like, 'Um, you're a guy on the N train who started talking to me, you're not gonna get in my pants... And you're especially not gonna get in my pants if you don't know who The Fall are! That's totally a prerequisite.'
--Kim's Video, St. Mark's Pl
Ten Bucks Says the "Chick in the Restaurant" Was His Hand in a KFC Bathroom
Married guy on cell: So, last night I was out with this chick and she, like, went down on me in the restaurant. Then I went to the other room and saw this girl I used to date and we did it in the--
70-year-old lady, tapping guy on shoulder: --Excuse me, mister -- the entire bus can hear your conversation.
Married guy on cell: Uh, I'll call you back [disembarks as soon as possible].
--M1 bus
Overheard by: Ari
NewsFlash: New Jersey Builds Immigration Wall
Yuppie on cell cutting long line, to cashier: I'd like to buy some cookies.
Cashier: Um, the line starts back there, sir.
Yuppie, into cell: I hate the fucking East Side. Everyone thinks they're hot shit. I can't figure out this fucking line -- all I want to do is buy some fucking cookies... New Jersey is my destiny.
--Bakery, 70th & Lex