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Now Tell Me, How Were Your Areola Expectations Not Met?
Drunk girl: I don't know. I think I need new nipples.
Bartender: Well, maybe you should show me. I'm a nipple connoisseur.
--Caroline's, Broadway
Overheard by: not kidding
That'll Be $75
Freshman: Hi... I'll get, uh... um... a Screwdriver and, um, a Corona, and with a lime.
Bartender: Generally, when you order a Corona it comes with a lime.
Freshman: Where I'm from, you don't get a lime unless you ask for it.
Bartender: Where are you from?
Freshman: Westchester.
--Bar near NYU
Meet the Inventors of Training Wheels for Pants
Chick #1: I don't know how to walk slow.
Chick #2: Yeah...
Chick #1: Walking is like riding a bike. You fall down when you walk too slow.
--E train platform
Her Mom Had a Few Too Many Moments of Clarity during the Last Trimester
Bar patron dude: No, I don't think you're using that right. A 'moment of clarity' is a concept from Alcoholics Anonymous.
Bartender chick: But you're not an alcoholic! So your moment of clarity is when you finally get served booze!
--Library bar, Houston & Ave A
Overheard by: E.Vill. Genius
One Nation, Under the Crown
Australian guy: Hey there, mate! I was just wondering if you were hiring staff.
Irish bar man: Yeah, we are, but you will have to speak with the boss. He is gonna be back in about 10 minutes. Do you have any experience?
Australian guy: Well, yeah, I've been doin' this for about three years back home in Sydney.
Irish bar man: That's great... Sure, I'll put in a good word for you. I'm getting sick of all the foreigners that they keep hiring.
Headline by: Barry Negrin
Runners-Up:
· "52-Across: "Foreigners" Ans: N-O-N-W-H-I-T-E" - Eddie
· "Between the Long Islanders and the Brooklynites, this place is going to hell" - M.dubz
· "I only hear in black and white" - h
· "I'll have a shot of contradiction with an irony backer" - LN
· "It's getting so hard to find people who speak American." - Noh
· "See? Even THEY Can't Tell Their Accents Apart!" - Jatmos
· "Will the last American to leave NYC please remember to bring the flag?" - Beth
· "You should have seen this Injun that came in yesterday" - trainedmonkey
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
We Also Would Have Accepted 'Date Rape'
Bartender: What's your favorite word?
Drunk rich girl: Credit card!
Bartender: What's your other favorite word?
Drunk rich girl: Money!
Bartender: No, the other one...
Drunk rich girl: Shots!
--Doc Holliday's, Ave A
Overheard by: Your Mom
If I Were a Rich... Motherfucker! Ya Ha Deedle Deedle... Shit!
Customer: That guy? He was in a production of Fiddler on the Roof with me!
Bartender: Really? I thought he had Tourette's!
Customer: Oh, he does.
--Bar, 14th St & 7th Ave
And After my Second Set, I Start to Bleed Out
Bartender: Tonight I'll be dancing on the bar every three hours. I normally dance every hour but I had an abortion yesterday.
Drinker: Oh.
--48th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: drunkberserker
Jeez, You Don't Have to Blow up about It
Very drunk suit: Hey, bartender! Do you know what a car bomb is?
Irish bartender: Yes, it's Spanish for, 'you're an asshole.'
--3rd Ave
Two Leading Causes of Injury for the Married Man
Customer: I could use that cane. I pulled my hamstring last night.
Bartender: Doing what, changing diapers?
Customer: No, having sex with myself.
--Bar, 78th & 1st
She Should See the Video
Dude: I know she's your girlfriend, John, but I'd come all over her.
Bartender chick: Wow, that was kind of... graphic.
--The Slaughtered Lamb, Jones & West 4th
Overheard by: Tarkus
They Put the 'Sensual' in 'Non-Consensual'
Bartender: Yeah, I like to tell people I'm a rapist.
Patron chick: A rapist? Why?
Bartender: Well, just statutory rape.
Patron chick: Yeah, there's no such thing as bad statutory rape.
--Croxley's Ale, Ave B between 2nd & 3rd
So He Doesn't Cure Social Diseases?
Bartender: Yeah, I know him, he's a professor of social studies at Columbia.
Middle-Aged woman: That's my school! I think it's so great that he's a social worker.
Bartender: Um, he's a professor of social studies.
Middle-Aged woman: Right, a social worker.
Bartender: No, he's a professor of social studies. That doesn't make him a social worker.
Middle-Aged woman: No?
--81st & Amsterdam
Only One of Us Can Wear the Pants in This Relationship
Bartender: This is so weird, but you just can't tell anyone. I don't know what to do about Fred*. I had a few people over on Friday, and when everyone left my pants were missing. So I had everyone over again on Sunday, and I left the drawer with my pants closed. He goes to the bathroom and comes back with a huge bulge in his trousers, and my drawer is open and I am missing a pair of pants.
Waitress: So what are you gonna do?
Bartender: From now on I only buy skirts.
--Nation, 45th & 5th
Overheard by: Barely swallowed my drink
I'm in the Six-Party Talks With North Korea Right Now
Fat guy: Just because you're cute doesn't mean you're powerful.
Cute bartender: Oh yes it does!
--Mercury Bar, 9th Ave between 45th & 46th
Overheard by: derek rose
Why the City Never Sleeps
Bartender guy: Yo dude, block the door with your foot for a minute.
He does. Bartender guy then proceeds to cut a line on the top of the urinal, snort it, and return to work.
--Dorrian's Red Hand men's room, 2nd Avenue
I Prefer Connect Four
Bartender dude: You gave up?
Guy: Yeah.
Bartender dude: I never give up. Even if I know I'm gonna lose, I'll take you down with me.
Girl: A war of attrition.
Bartender dude: No, more like 69.
--Patio Lounge, Park Slope
Put Some Pants on That Bird, Quick
Queer #1: Oh, no, no, I don't like that one, find a Puerto Rican one!
Queer #2: I think this is going to be my wallpaper.
Bartender guy: Are you guys downloading porn?
Queer #2: Oh my god, a new Cuckoo for Cocoa Cocks just came out!
--Red, Fulton Street
Remember to Tip Your Bartenders and Castrati
Queer: We want girly drinks. Something fruity.
Bartwink: Okay? Did you have anything in mind?
Queer: Can you talk in a higher pitch when we're talking about girly drinks?
--Barracuda, W. 22nd Street
Eat, Drink, Wednesday One-liners
British chick: I just solved my lunch problem, because I hate raw cheese.
--27th Street office
Guy: Bitch, you better give me back my donuts or I'll pull out your weave.
--Washington Heights
Overheard by: Vinson Guthreau
Guy: Nothing like going to Chuck E. Cheese to make you start drinking again.
--82nd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: JY
Lady: This is a yuppie McDonald's. It's all middle class people here.
--McDonald's, 47th Street
Overheard by: Christa Bramberger
As a Brooklyn Brewery delivery truck passed a toddler on the sidewalk yelled: I love beer!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: tee sul
Bartender: If the Burp Castle ever closes it means the death of classical music in New York.
--Burp Castle bar, E. 7th Street
Guy on cell: Is this like that time where Laura told me that cat food was Lucky Charms?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Cynthia
Shoving Things "There": No Longer Weird
Bi guy #1: So do you have a lot of threesomes?
Bi guy #2: My girlfriend likes to see me take it up the ass. She's weird like that.
--Chelsea taxicab
Teen girl #1: How do you know it's uncomfortable?
Teen girl #2: Just put something in your ass and walk around with it.
Teen girl #1: In your ass?
Teen girl #2: Well, on your ass.
--Forest Hills
Overheard by: Sara R.
Drunk suit: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Irish barman: Only if you have an enema with you, 'cause I'm going to shove it up your arse when I'm done.
--Nancy Whiskey Pub, Lispenard Street
Blondie is a Group
The bartender is wearing a Blondie shirt.
Guy: Do you even know who Blondie is? Do you know who JFK is?
Bartender: Were you even alive when JFK was alive?
Guy: I'll bet you were born in 1982.
Bartender: Did anyone ever tell you how charming you are?
Guy: No!
--The Library, Avenue A
