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Well, That Was 20 Seconds of Reading Time We'll Never Get Back
Hot chick on cell: Yeah, no... Like, I'm pretty convinced that Patrick* is, like, totally gay. Well, because when we, like, dated, he would always want to go shopping and take, like, the longest time, like always studying how tight jeans made his ass look. And, like, he told me how his best friend ended up being, like, uber-gay, and like, he would always say, like, random shit like, 'Y'know, like, people you don't even, like, know could be gay.' I'd be like, 'O-M-G -- what?!' And, like, the entire time we went out, we only had sex, like, once, and that was when I, like, lost my virginity... No, I didn't consider it the official, like, time I actually lost my V-card because he couldn't even, like, get it up... No, we were not drunk! I'm not like that big of a slut... Or at least, I wasn't then.
--Chelsea
Compassion: A NYC Short Story
Guy: Did you hear about that guy that fell from a 47th floor and survived?
Girl: No.
Guy: It's crazy! The paramedics found him conscious, too.
Girl: Wow. Can you help me upload my Jingle Ball photos to my Kodak account?
--1500 Broadway
Weren't You in Michigan in 2001?
Chick: I dunno, ever since 9/11, my period has been all off.
Guy: Really? You think the trade towers had something to do with it?
Chick: Yeah, I think so... Maybe because of all the dust in the air from the building or something.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Shalvi
I Think I'm for It
Senior girl #1: So, what is that 'Derfer' thing I keep seeing all those signs about?
Senior girl #2: What?
Senior girl #1: You know, Derfer -- D-A-R-F-U-R
Senior girl #2: Dare-fyore? Hmmm, I don't know.
Senior girl #1: Whatever. Anyways...
--Townsend Harris High
Or Is That because the Train Is Going North?
Dude: Do any of these trains go under water?
Chick: Yeah, you can feel it getting colder. It's so cool.
Dude: Which train is it?
Chick: It's one of those trains that goes from Brooklyn to Manhattan. I think it was the B or the G...
--6 train, Brooklyn Bridge City Hall
Not Target-Good, Anyway
Skinny brunette: ... And Michelle screamed at me! I mean, like, seriously! What's her problem?!
Hot guy, tapping Rolex: We have to go! I need to use the bathroom!
Skinny brunette: Oh, just piss in the bushes. It's not like this is a good store or anything.
--Outside Bergdorf Goodman's
Overheard by: Caley
But at Least You've Gotten That Whole "Chicken of the Sea" Thing Straight Now, Right?
Girl #1: I am, like, so dumb. I mean, really dumb. People look at me and think I'm dumb.
Girl #2: Yeah...
--Central Park
Or Is It a Laboratory Poodle?
Bimbette #1: Chris got a lab-a-doodle.
Bimbette #2: What's that?
Bimbette #1: It's a cross between a Labrador and a doodle.
--Lexington Ave, between 61st & 62nd St
Overheard by: The New York Crank
Nor Can I Utter It without Giggling
Knitting girl, about public speaking professor: She kept telling us we need to watch our diction. Meanwhile, she didn't even tell us what 'diction' was.
Friend: What the hell is diction?
Knitting girl: I don't even know.
--L platform, 8th Ave
Overheard by: Bethany
Where the Meth Comes Sweepin' Down the Plain
Bimbette: Not a lot of people do meth anymore. It's like one in ten million.
Guy: What?! It's like the crack of the Midwest. Everyone does it.
Bimbette: No, it only seems like that because they're all in one state.
Guy: Which one?
Bimbette: Oklahoma.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Is Kathy Ireland, the designer, one of them?
She's Used to All That Pseudo-Italian Crap
Woman #1, pointing to smallest cup: So, what size is this?
Barista: That's a small.
Woman #1: And what size is this?
Barista: That's a medium.
Woman #1: And so what size is this?
Barista: That's a large.
Woman #2: Wow, this has been the most fascinating exchange I've heard in quite some time.
--9th St Espresso, East Village
Overheard by: Shankalicious
Doctor: This Child's Chart Says Pneumonia. Why Are Her Legs Broken?
Guy: You should really take her to the hospital.
Woman with coughing, sweating, crying child: You wanna do somethin'? Why don't you get off yo' ass and take her temperature?! [To child] If you end up in the hospital, I'm gonna make sure you stay in the hospital!
--1 train
It's a damn good thing you put out!
Chick: I don't know -- all the worry about oil prices and gas... [Dude throws sideways glance.] What does oil have to do with gas, anyway? You don't put a can of oil in your gas tank.
Dude: You know what? You're a dumbass.
--W 52nd St
Overheard by: Eric Shellhamer
If I Can See Your Toenails, You Are Too Close for Your Own Good
Inmates in NYPD corrections bus: Give me a kiss, baby! Come on, I need it! Hey, nice toenails, sweetheart!
Girl passerby, to friend: Well, I did just paint them last night.
--Chinatown
And Education Clearly Has No Intrinsic Value
Man: I bet you're hot to trot to get back to school
Girl: No, not really. My dad will be driving me.
--Rolling Hills Park, Staten Island
Tell Her a Quarter Is Two Bits and Watch Her Head Explode
Girl counting her money: Excuse me, ma'am -- are there four quarters in a dollar?
Older lady: Yes, my dear.
Girl: Oh, great! Thanks!
--Times Square station
Whose Self?
Girl #1: He's just self-conscious.
Girl #2: Conscious about what?!
Girl #1: ... Himself.
--Original Pizza, Bay Ridge & 4th
Overheard by: Patrick
Still Taking Adolessons
Bimbette #1: I don't want to grow up. The real world is scary.
Bimbette #2: Yeah... Puberty sucks.
Bimbette #1: Ummm, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure puberty is done when you're, like, fifteen. We're 18 now...
Bimbette #2: Oh. Well, maybe I'm a late bloomer.
--UES
Overheard by: Allie
Why the Bush Administration Issues Peppermints
Bimbette #1: Do you have sucking candy?
Bimbette #2: No, but I have gum.
Bimbette #1: I don't want gum -- I don't want to chew and use my brain.
--LIRR
Overheard by: pbq
A Gay Man Told Her about "Killer Shorts"
Blonde: So, where'd y'all go on vacation?
Brunette: Bermuda.
Blonde: And y'all came back alive?!
--Union Square
I Went to NYC and All I Got Was This Rash
Drunk tourist flirt: It was verrry nice meeting you all, and I hope to see you all again real soon! [Shakes hands with local teens, then leaves.]
Local teen, to friends: Yo, she wanna fuck e'rybody!
--4 train
Overheard by: Not Me
Headline by: VeggieGirl
Runners-Up:
· "As If We Need to Import That or Something" - gib
· "I Went to NY and All I Got Was Bukkake" - Ken H.
· "Reader Survey: Britney, Paris, or Lindsey? Vote Now!" - Fleetline
· "She Ran Out Of Folks to Fuck Back in Iowa." - Redneck Jedi
· "Southern Hospitality Is the Shizzle" - The Heiress
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Well, a Little Glue, Yarn, a Marker, and Some Buttons, and It Could Be Both
Bimbette, about little boy in wheelchair: Aw, look at him! He's got a little hand puppet!
Friend: Actually, that's a cast.
--Lafayette & East Houston
Overheard by: Kim & Clerr
To Be Fair, There's a Thin Line between a Yarmulke and a Beret
Girl #1: Oy vey.
Girl #2: What's an 'oy vey'?
Girl #1: It's something French people say when they're stressed out.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: bhahah
He Only Turns on the Psychic Powers If You Sound Pretty
Chick on cell: How long will it be for a cab to Forest Hills?
Deadpan dispatcher: About 15 minutes.
Chick on cell: Ohhh... How long will it be if I call back in half an hour?
Deadpan dispatcher: I can't predict the future, ma'am.
--Kew Gardens, Queens
Overheard by: Stephanie
That Voice in Your Head Needs a Good Talking-To
Bimbette #1: You know when you think something and then a voice in your head is like, 'Yeah, yeah, say that out loud! That would be a good thing to say!' and then you do it and you're like, 'Well, that was a mistake...'?
Bimbette #2: Yeah.
Bimbette #1: Yeah, I think I just did that.
--R train
Can We Get a Tree and Go Crypto?
Girl: Oh, look how pretty they are! Can we pleeease get a Christmas tree? A little one?
Guy: Uh, no.
Girl: Well, why not?
Guy: Because we're Jewish.
--Astor Pl & Lafayette
Overheard by: Couple passing by
Why "Ooby-Dooby" Made a Comeback
LI girl: Tiffany, we need new expressions!
Tiffany: What?
LI girl: Like, new phrases to say in response to stuff.
Tiffany: Oh. Okay, we'll make some up.
--Billy's Bakery
If You Fuck Seattle Just Right, It Will Achieve Oregon
Chick #1: Where the fuck is Seattle?
Chick #2: Oregon.
--55th & 3rd
Overheard by: Meghan
If Only This Worked at the UN
Effeminate thug: Look at all the couples around us! They're happy! Why can't we be like that?!
Bimbette: I'm happy!
Effeminate thug: Well, I'm not. I don't understand why you have to keep lying to me and acting like it's all a joke.
Bimbette: Because I'm happy!
Effeminate thug: That's it, I'm leaving.
Bimbette: Want a blowjob?
Effeminate thug: ... Okay.
--R train
Overheard by: Yvo
The Lox-and-a-Schmear Internship
Bimbette: He's a med student at Ein-- Einstein.
Friend: Is that the bagel place?
Bimbette: I don't know. I have to look it up.
--NYU Law
Overheard by: If by
Anything Worth Saying Should Be Abbreviated
Bimbette #1: How do you feel about people who call instead of text message?
Bimbette #2: They make me sad.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Sarah
How to Tell If Someone's a Republican
Bimbette, about sleeping bag lady: She has a lot of stuff.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Bimbette: She should get an apartment.
--25th & 3rd
But That Was Gonna Be My Opener
Brunette: I usually sit in front of him, but he got to class late the day we had the midterm and the only seat left was in front of me... And then I didn't know how to do any of the problems, so I just stared at him and daydreamed about playing with his balls and batting my eyelashes while giving him a blowjob.
Blonde: I strongly advise against mentioning that if you ever actually speak to him.
--Salon V, East Village
Overheard by: raconteuse
... During Which We Both Voted Republican
Girl: Well, we have a lot in common.
Skeptical friend: Really?
Girl: Yeah! Well, we were both in comas...
--Hunter College
I Probably Just Need Some Meth
Bimbette #1: I am so tired.
Bimbette #2: Ew, why?
Bimbette #1: I just, like, have not been able to sleep for the past week.
Bimbette #2: Oooh, that's probably because of all the crack you've been taking.
Bimbette #1: And all the triple espressos! Right, right.
--F train
The Ancients Were All Pretty Much Interchangeable
Girl #1: You never told me that. I didn't agree to any of that!
Girl #2: I know! I'm like... Who's the chick who started the Trojan War? You know, with the big horses?
Girl #1: Cleopatra?
Girl #2: I'm like fuckin' Cleopatra!
--NYU
Overheard by: PK
Just Make Up My Mind, Okay?
Annoyed bimbette: You cannot go out with him! Like, who will go and pick up random guys with me?
Brunette: I'll still go out with you.
Annoyed bimbette: No, I know you -- you'll say 'yes' when he asks you out. You can't go out with him. Oh, yeah, wait -- he's younger than you. You can get him pussy-whipped like that. You have to go out with him.
Brunette, defeated: Okay.
--S79 bus
... Exactly Who He Is
Bimbette #1: So then I got a text from him this morning [shows friend text message]. I mean, who forgets if they have sex?
Bimbette #2: Haha... There's not even a 'hello' or punctuation... Just 'Did we have sex.'
Bimbette #1: I know!
Bimbette #2: Well, did you?
Bimbette #1: I'm not sure...
--Central Park
Wasn't That the Original Premise of The View?
Bimbette #1: Oh my god, did you see that new movie?
Bimbette #2: Wait, what new movie?
Bimbette #1: You know. Ugh, what's it called? It's the one with Jessica Alba.
Bimbette #2: Um, Fantastic 4?
Bimbette #1: Yeah! There's only three, though, so I don't know why it's called Fantastic 4. It should be called 'Fantastic 3 Plus a Blob.'
--E 33rd & Lex
Overheard by: Kris
The Way They Speak French and All
Chirpy girl #1: Oh my god! They have peonies! How cute! I love peonies!
Chirpy girl #2: Me, too! Oh, wow, how cute!
French woman #1: Ooh-la-la... La pivoine! Pour le garçon?
French woman #2: Oui, oui.
Chirpy girl #1: Oh my god! It's an Italian! I love Italians!
Chirpy girl #2: Oh, wow! Me, too! Italians are so cute!
--Farmer's Market, Union Square
You Think They're Your Friends? That's So Cute.
Jogger girl #1: We should go out tonight to this cool new bar I heard of.
Jogger girl #2: Okay, where is it?
Jogger girl #1: Somewhere in the Fla-teer-on District.
Jogger girl #2: ... You mean the Flatiron District?
Jogger girl #1: Oh my god, I'm such an idiot. I've been telling all my friends at work about it -- why haven't they corrected me?
--88th & York
Overheard by: Moderately amused
Another Inconvenient Truth
Girl #1: Oh my gosh, we should totally go to Olive Garden. It's sooo good.
Girl #2: Honestly... Never say that again.
--Times Square
We're Only Conformist about Keeping Kosher
Blonde: Do you have a first name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: Yes.
Blonde: Do you have a last name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: Yes.
Blonde: Do you have a middle name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: No.
Blonde: Well, I wanna annoy you. What's your conformation name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: I'm Jewish.
Blonde: So?
--21st & 1st
There Are a Lot of Rich, Flaky Girls at Marymount Manhattan
Girl #1, studying for math exam: I still don't get it.
Girl #2: What I'm saying is that this statement has nothing to do with a croissant coming out of my ass.
Girl #1: Oh, okay.
Girl #2: Yeah, that's the only way I can remember how to do the problem.
--Marymount Manhattan College
Or Sunday Morning at Katz's Deli?
Bimbette #1: So, like, for my essay I wrote about the Jew migration in the 19th century...
Bimbette #2: Oh my god, what Jew migration?! You mean, like, oh my god -- like Moses leading them out of Egypt like in the Red Sea?!
--Oakland Gardens, Queens
Need Some Help? Turgid, Distended, Tumid, Inflamed...
Miniskirt #1: I feel so swollen.
Miniskirt #2: Oh my god! Swollen!
Miniskirt #3: Swollen!
--42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Jessica
Think That's Why He Robbed Us?
Brunette: I felt so bad for that cab driver yesterday.
Redhead: Yeah, I know! He was like, 'I've been here for seven years and I haven't done anything with my life...'
Brunette: Yeah, I know, and I'm like, 'Me, too... But I'm rich!'
--Elizabeth & Spring
Overheard by: mark
Yeah, You Don't Want to Sound Retarded
Bimbette #1: I got the hottest shoes. They're like Burberry, but cuter, with sexy heels. Zimbabwe likes them.
Bimbette #2: His name is Zimbabwe?
Bimbette #1: Well, no one can pronounce it. It starts with a 'K,' but I think it sounds retarded, so I'd rather call him Zimbabwe.
--66th & 3rd
He's Still My Favorite Gym Teacher, Though.
Teen girl #1: You didn't I know I went out with Hector?
Teen girl #2: Nah.
Teen girl #3: Hector went out with everyone. He kissed all the girls. We called him 'The Rapist,' or 'R. Kelly.'
--Q88 bus
Overheard by: Me
Except the Fat One
One of three Abercrombie zombies: So, which of us do you think is the prettiest?
Cute Czech immigrant: You all look the same.
--L train
Overheard by: spazzoid
Great -- There's No Downside, Then
NYU girl #1: Crack babies aren't that bad.
NYU girl #2: Yeah. You're addicted to crack, but you don't experience it!
--Hayden Residence Hall, Washington Square
Did You Know They're Washable?
Girl #1, head in hands: So, like I was saying...
Girl #2: Oh, yeah, so why doesn't he want to fuck anymore?
Girl #3: Oh, yeah, he totes found your vibrator.
Girl #1: How the hell did you know?
--1 train
The Kind That Blind You When They Fall from the Sky?
20-ish girl seeing group of orthodox Jews walk by: Hey, look at all those Amish people! Oh, wait, are they Amish or acidic Jews?
--8th & Bedford
Overheard by: joe
The Metaphor Still Works, Asshole.
Bimbette: She was being such a bitch, and I was like, 'You catch more flies with honey than you do with a fly swatter, y'know.'
Boyfriend: Don't talk. Seriously. Just stand there and look hot, okay?
--Penn Station
Overheard by:
That Was Fast
Girl #1: Imagine if you were still in that job!
Girl #2: I know. It was so bad... I would have quit by now. Wait, I did quit.
--Astor Pl
Overheard by: Thompson
Plus, I Tend to Overshare.
Bimbette #1: So, I think I know what my problem is...
Bimbette #2: Oh, yeah? What's that?
Bimbette #1: I think my underwear is on backwards.
--8th & 5th
Overheard by: Melissa Martinez
What Is It with That Movie?
Bimbette: Oh my god, I'm so horny.
Friend: Did you just see Josh or something?
Bimbette: No, I just watched Newsies!
Friend: Without me?
Bimbette: It was sort of a one-on-one Newsies experience.
Friend: I totally understand... Dancing preteen boys...
--NYU
Overheard by: Kelly
Not to Mention They Were Both US Congressmen
Bimbette #1: I was nervous for the two of them to meet.
Bimbette #2: Your dad's kind of hard...
Bimbette #1: But they got along well! They have a lot in common.
Bimbette #2: Yeah.
Bimbette #1: I mean, they both have children, and they've both been in prison.
Bimbette #2: See that?!
--155th & Broadway
Actually, I'm Not. I'm Tired of Pretending
Girl #1: ... So then she told me that I should get her socks. Do you really think that Jane* would want socks for Christmas?!
Girl #2: Socks are like the gift that people give when they hate you. Socks and soap!
Girl #3: Um, yeah... [Girls #1 and #3 look at each other.]
Girl #2: Oh, shit! I gave you socks for your birthday... Sorry about that.
--50th & Lex
Just Don't Try to Fill Them Up With Dirt
Bimbette daughter: So, you like, had to, like, grow corn and shit when you were little?
Old hippie father: Yeah, before I moved to Oregon. We had cows.
Bimbette daughter: Ewww! You had to milk cows?
Old hippie father: Yeah, but cows don't help with household chores, though. Only crocodiles can do that.
Bimbette daughter: Word.
--Barnes & Noble
Guys Are Such Shitty Communicators
Girl #1, nonchalantly: So I was just like, 'Whatever.'
Girl #2: Right.
Girl #1, angrily: But then he was just like, 'Whatever.'
Girl #2: What?!
Girl #1, victoriously: Yeah! So then I was just like, 'Whatever.'
Girl #2: He's such an asshole.
--87th & Broadway
Overheard by: Emily
Stupid Norman Conquest
Dumb teen: So, you're from France?
English girl: No, I'm from England.
Dumb teen: Oh, right. What part of England is France in?
--Outside B & J's Steakhouse
Overheard by: Giggling into my Soda
And in a Few Years, Maybe You'll Have a Little Addition
Bimbette #1: I hate Chapter Three! Why do we have to do Chapter Three?!
Bimbette #2: No way! I love Chapter Three!
Professor: Then why don't you marry it?
--Algebra class, City College
Overheard by: maybe she will
Metaphysically, You're about to Get Hit by a Cab
Bimbette #1: Wait, I have to figure out where I am.
Bimbette #2: You are at Broadway and Houston.
Bimbette #1: No, I mean metaphysically...
--Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: KrisNYC
Good Thing We Bought Postcards
Bimbette #1: Don't you remember the train station in Italy?
Bimbette #2: I was drunk for basically the entire trip.
Bimbette #1: Oh, yeah.
--12th & 2nd
"Now" Being from My Birth Onward
Bimbette #1: Yeah, her roommate totally has a beard. It's, like, hairy on her face.
Bimbette #2: Oh my god!
Bimbette #1: I know! She also wears, like, purple eyeshadow.
Bimbette #2: Oh my god!
Bimbette #1: I know! I am so mean right now.
--W 49th & Broadway
"Goodnight Moon"? Really?
Chick #1: My gym teachers always let us sit and read.
Chick #2: What does that work out?
Chick #1: Um, your mind.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: your humble narrator
I Kinda Lost the Thread Here
Bimbette: He's so hot. And his chin is so sharp it could cut steel. No, wait, what's stronger than steel?
Friend: Diamonds?
Bimbette: Yes! Diamonds! Only diamonds can cut diamonds!
Friend: Well, yeah, but lasers can cut diamonds, too.
Bimbette: Shit.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Hmmm, It Just Says, "Run Away Screaming"
Woman with headphones: 'Scuuuse me!
Bimbette: What?! I said, 'Excuse me.'
Woman with headphones: Well, I have on headphones and shades, so obviously I didn't see or hear you. Ever thought about tapping me on the shoulder, asshole?
Bimbette, opening book called, How to Become Fearless: Well, whatever. I'm already sitting down.
Woman with headphones: That book must being doing something good for your ego. Hope it has a chapter in there on what to do after you get smacked on the train for being fearless...
--A train
I'm Trying to Get the Marriage Annulled
Blonde: Oh my god! You can meet the guy from work who harasses me.
Sidekick: Like... sexually harasses?
Blonde: I don't know, but he's really annoying.
--Broadway & Broome
Every Straight Man. Every Single Time.
Girl holding tally sheet: Do you want to stick this in my thinger?
Male coworker: You're lucky it's me. In the real world--
Girl holding tally sheet: --In the real world people wouldn't take it there.
--NYU SCPS
Overheard by: she's lucky i'm gay
Nerds: We're Okay with Being Tried on for Size!
Bimbette: Look, it's not like I mind tall, dark, and handsome, but it's like, 'Look at me -- I'm hot... I should be able to nab a nerd.'
Friend: Nerds aren't like shoes -- you can't just try them on for size. They have feelings, too.
Bimbette: And glasses.
--34th & Lex
She Learned Perspective from Egyptian Art
Dude: Remember that barge that was right on the horizon of the beach on Sunday?
Chick: Yeah, why?
Dude: How far away do you think it was?
Chick: I have no clue. A thousand feet, maybe?
Male passenger: Actually, the horizon at sea level is six to eight miles away.
Chick: So, less than a thousand feet?
--PATH train
Overheard by: Augie
It's a Technical Term
NYU chick #1: ... And, y'know, some kind of adenine, guanine, trampoline chemical thingie.
NYU chick #2: Er. You mean 'thymine'?
NYU chick #1: That's what I said.
--Waverly & University
How're Those for the First Two Lines of My Haiku?
Bimbette #1: Well, we weren't, like, BFF, but we were, like... F...?
Bimbette #2, nodding knowingly: Mmm.
--Elevator, Columbia University
Overheard by: MarcusII
Tan Fades. Death Is Forever.
Bench chick #1: You know you can get, like, melanoma or skin cancer without suntan lotion.
Bench chick #2: So? At least I'll die tan.
--NYU
Overheard by: chelsea
It's Funny, Though -- She Never Calls
Bimbette: Yeah, me and Beyoncé is friends on MySpace. She invites me to all the hot events, like her concerts and parties. She even bulletins me.
Boyfriend: For real?
Bimbette: Yeah, we's like best friends.
--Shuttle to Times Square
Overheard by: Is not friends with Beyonce :(
Now Get Back Up on That Horse
Blonde: My boobs shrunk ever since I got that abortion.
Brunette: No, they still look good.
--Restroom, Crobar
It'd Be Goodbye, Valtrex
Dog owner to pup bugging drunk girl: Heel, dog, heel.
Drunk girl's friend: Oh my god, what if that dog could actually heal you?!
--Outside Plug Uglies
Overheard by: Starkie
If I Hadn't Gotten the iPhone the Day It Came Out, I Would've Died
Bimbette #1: I don't even, like, know what it feels like not to, like, have something like that, you know?
Bimbette #2, after a long pause: Totally.
--President & Clinton St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: liza
The Tide Commercial the FCC Doesn't Want You to See
Bimbette: Those blankets are so soft!
Bored friend: Yeah...
Bimbette: I know, right? Don't you ever just go to bed naked and rub them everywhere? It's like a massage!
Bored friend: ... Everywhere?
Bimbette: Yes, everywhere. Even your anus. It hurts sometimes [looks away in thought].
Bored friend: ... Oh.
--9th & 4th
Overheard by: I didn't want to know.
So Many of Us Were Born Too Late
Chick #1: Okay, what do we want to drink?
Chick #2: If I was Roman, my name would be Emperor Fabulous.
Chick #3: Perrier?
--Deli near Prospect Park
Overheard by: Liz Erd
Since the Church Says It's a Sin
Chick: I'm kinda concerned about this lotion I started using. It contains semen.
Dude: Ew... But so what?
Chick: Well, I think that it could make me pregnant. Like, the sperm could seep through my pores and then swim through my blood...
Dude: But your pores don't have fallopian tubes...
Chick: But what if? I bet if I got pregnant, it would be, like, the devil's baby.
Dude: Yeah, and you probably can't abort the devil's baby.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kate
Caution: Poor Absorbancy
Chick #1: I wonder why they call it TP-ing a house...
Chick #2: Maybe it stands for 'toilet paper.'
Chick #1: That doesn't make any sense!
--74th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kirby J
... Why's Her Tan So Dark?
Black actress onstage: If anymore white people walk in here, we're gonna become a suburb!
Suburban white girl in audience: I don't get it.
--Showing of Hairspray
You Sure It Wasn't a Roach?
Girl #1: Dreadlocks are so dirty. How do you wash them?
Girl #2: My friend told me about this guy she knew whose dreads were so dirty that one day he found a scorpion in them.
Girl #3: Are you sure it wasn't just lice?
Girl #2: No, it was a scorpion.
Girl #4: Well, wait, where was he from?
Girls #1, #3, and #4, together: Jamaica?
--41st & Madison
Overheard by: Scorpions are creepy
She Spoke Spanish, or More Specifically, Portuguese
Chick #1: She was from Mexico, or more specifically, Brazil.
Chick #2: Oh.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Laura M.
We Are the Wallpaper of Their Glamorous Cityscapes
High school girl #1: We don't always celebrities around, but I bet they see us all the time.
High school girl #2: Fo' real, yo.
--50th & 10th
In Your Case, Mostly Celery and Cocaine
Blonde: Freaking-A, my prostate hurts! Does your prostate ever hurt?
Brunette: Um, girls don't have prostates.
Blonde: Um, yeah we do, idiot.
Brunette: No, girls do not have prostates. Only guys do.
Blonde: You're stupid -- girls and guys have prostates. What do you think makes you poop?
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: girls have prostates? hm wierd.
Appearance Is All That Really Matters
Blonde: So, I told him for months that this was my weekend.
Brunette: Our weekend.
Blonde: Right, my weekend. So his parents are coming to help him move into his new apartment, and is it bad if I don't help and I go to the Hamptons instead?
Brunette: No. Did he say anything to make you think that?
Blonde: No, I thought of it on my own.
Brunette: You look super tan.
Blonde: Thanks!
--Equinox gym
It's Like Art Just Imitates Things
Woman #1: Look, they have cobras here! Are they real?
Woman #2: [Looks on silently.]
Woman #1: Oh, they're bronze.
--The Met
Especially Since They Had to Keep Pausing to Fight the Dinosaurs
Bimbette #1: ... And the pyramids! It's like, you know, a total miracle! They're huge! How did they build them without modern day cranes and stuff?
Bimbette #2: Yeah, I know, it's... mystical! And the same thing with Eiffel Tower. I went to Paris last year, and that thing is just so high! Really, how did they manage to build something like that without equipment?!
--Museum of Natural History
You're Not the Only Store in Town
Chick: Please, please, please get these for me.
Guy: [Laughs, shakes his head.]
Chick: I promise I'll give it to you 10 times today.
Guy: I don't need you to. I get it every day.
Chick: No, you don't! You haven't gotten it in a month!
--Sneaker store, 82nd & Roosevelt
Overheard by: Liza
Hang On, Eggs Come from Animals?
Girl #1: Is egg dairy? Is that what they're discussing?
Girl #2: Are they saying egg is meat?
Girl #1: I think it's in the meat category.
Girl #2: Nooo.
Girl #1: I'm looking for a pyramid... Eggs are in the meat category, and it comes from an animal.
Girl #2: So does milk, though.
Girl #1: An egg can turn into a meat. Milk cannot.
Girl #2: Okay, I'm not discussing this anymore.
--44th & Broadway
Overheard by: esther
So They're Basically Like Musicians?
Redhead: I wish I was a pirate.
Brunette: No, you don't. Pirates are dirty. They don't have toothbrushes.
Redhead: Yeah... But they drink so much alcohol that it kills the bacteria in their mouths anyway.
Brunette: Really? Well, they still don't have health insurance...
--FIT dorm
I Just Have to Figure Out How to Get to the Airport
Bimbette #1: I hate leaving Manhattan.
Bimbette #2: Ugh, yeah... I never leave Manhattan except to go to Europe.
--Restaurant, 34th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jonny
Why Trade Is Our Best Hope for World Peace
History teacher: So, Jane*, why haven't you enlisted in the US military?
Asian bimbette: Um, because you can't shop in Iraq.
--High school, Brooklyn
We've Determined You Might Accidentally Eat a Key
Chick: Excuse me, how much is it to use the computers?
Clerk: Two-fifty for 15 minutes.
Chick: So, how much is it for an hour?
Clerk: Ten dollars.
Chick: No, it's not!
Clerk: ... Yes, it is.
Chick: No way! It's not! Stop lying!
Clerk: You know what? You can't use the computers. Get out.
--Computer cafe, 7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Tech Monkey
Why Every Girl Needs a Slutty Friend
Teen girl: [Mumbles.]
Clerk: What?
Teen girl: [Speaks softly.]
Clerk: You're going to have to speak up.
Teen girl: [Leans over counter and mumbles.]
Clerk: What? What the fuck are those? [Yells to coworker] Tina*! Do we have any morning after pills? [Teen girl sprints out of store.]
--Crowded CVS
To Be Honest, I'm Just Friendsters with It
Teen girl #1: So, last night we were talking, and he still wants to put it in my ass... Like, how could I be with someone who only thinks about shoving his thing up my ass?
Teen girl #2: So what are you gonna do?
Teen girl #1: I don't know! Help me!
Teen girl #2, puzzled: I thought you love anal sex?
Teen girl #1: Oh, yeah.
--S79 bus
Overheard by: rob l
It's Enemas
Drunk girl: You've seen anal sex a million times in porn, but have you ever once seen shit on the guy's dick? Or on the sheets?
Guy: Maybe they give the girls enemas first.
Drunk girl, draining glass: Well, they must give 'em something, because in real life ass-fucking is a shitty business.
--Tony Awards after-party, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Big Larry
Great for Enticing Men with Little Debbie Complexes
Aspiring actress: I hope I get the part! That director was so hot! I could totally sleep with him!
Friend: He's your dad's age.
Aspiring actress: No! He's 41. My dad's 43.
Friend: You're 20.
Aspiring actress: Yeah. That's sort of sick. I have to stop liking older guys. What can I say? I'm just looking for a more mature man! Hey, I got this new moisturizer that smells like cookies, and it's sparkly! Smell my leg!
--2 train, between 42nd & 72nd
Says the Girl Who's Wearing a Headband As a Shirt
Bimbette #1: Oh my god, this is a shirt? I thought it was a dress!
Bimbette #2: And that's because you're a slut.
Bimbette #1: No, seriously, I could rock this as a dress.
Bimbette #2: Here we go again.
--42nd & Lex
Overheard by:
You Paint Such a Vivid Picture with Words
Sorostitute #1: ... And I was like, 'Uhhh!' And she was like 'Uhhh!' And of course he wanted to come back to the apartment.
Sorostitute #2: Oh my god, I know!
--7th & 1st, East Village
One Still Occasionally Meets a Lady of the Old School
Bimbette: Oh my god, and he totally had pubes all over his bed--
Irritated chick, interrupting: --What the fuck? Why the hell do you care if he had pubes all over his bed?!
Bimbette: ... I... Uh...
Irritated chick: Just shut up, bitch.
--Macy's
Says the Boy Who Was in a Bondage Video with Kobe Bryant!
Chick: So, Jerry Springer was in my office today, and I overheard him telling the guy he was talking to on the phone that I was attractive.
Queer: Wow. I hate you. In the best way possible. I hate you.
Chick: Why? Because he's my new boyfriend?
Queer: Because one of the coolest sketchy famous people in the world called you attractive in a remarkably sketchy way. If I ever have to talk you off a self-esteem ledge again, I'm tagging out and killing myself.
--46th & 6th
Overheard by: Gays and their Hags, on the next Springer!
Wait, Are We Talking about the Movie or the Boat?
Bimbette: ... And then I was thinking, Wouldn't it suck if the Titanic really happened?
Friend: Are you fucking serious?
Bimbette: Yeah! I mean, it would be sad, right?
--34th St
Maybe in Version 2.0
Girl #1: Ewww! That doughnut looks like it's covered in cum.
Girl #2: Mmm... If cum tasted like this I would give head everyday... I wish I tasted like this.
Girl #1: Word.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Alex Berger
I'm Just Not Ready to Lay Eggs at This Point in My Life
Bimbette: Yeah, well, I don't give head.
Guy: Oh, why? You don't like it?
Bimbette: No, it's just that I'm afraid to get pregnant!
--78th & 41st
Overheard by: rain
Well, Screw Him and His Oscillating Misnomers
Eye candy: Why would he say that I was not educated?
Friend: Well, that's not exactly what he said, now was it?
Eye candy: No, he said I was tapid and voided of thought.
Friend: Vapid and devoid of thought.
Eye candy: Same thing.
--Manhattan-bound F train
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
Well, Which States Do You Know?
Blonde #1: Of course there are 50 states. Duh!
Blonde #2: Yeah... Wait, what state is Florida in?
--Penn Station
The East Isn't Mysterious, We're Just Stupid
Chick #1: You know how they say Chinese people are yellow? Like, yellow-skinned?
Chick #2: Yeah.
Chick #1: Then how come they always look so pale? Like, that girl from House of Flying Daggers is totally pale.
Chick #2: But she's in a house of, like, flying daggers. I'd be pale.
--6 train
Oh, Wait, That's Meditation
Girl #1: I walked in on my boy masturbating while we where getting ready for sex.
Girl #2: Oh my god, I love masturbating before sex. It's like a free orgasm.
Girl #1: Me, too. It's, like, spiritual in my family.
--4th St & Park Ave
She's Dating This Guy
Teen girl #1: Yeah, Florida is totally North of New York.
Teen girl #2: Are you kidding me? No, it's not.
Teen girl #1: Yeah, it is! I mean, like, you drive North to the airport, right? And South of New York is just, like... water.
Teen girl #2, staring in disbelief: Wow.
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Shocked
All I Need Now Is a Diaphragm and Some Scotch Tape
Chick #1: ... And I'm just trying to make myself a virgin again, you know?
Chick #2: Yeah, I know.
--St. James Pl
Unlike Frozen Penises
Girl #1: Oh my god, I need something cold and sweet in my mouth, like, now! Like, a frozen sugared penis!
Girl #2: Oooh! With Splenda on it?!
Girl #1: Oh, no! I so do not eat that. Splenda is tested on animals!
--MacDougal St
Overheard by: SarahC
These Days All the Best Men Are Lesbians
Old hobo: So, can I have your number?
Pretty girl, who's been ignoring him for a while: Uh, no...
Old hobo: Well, you're a lesbian! You don't want no man!
Pretty girl: I already have a man.
Old hobo: Yeah, a lesbian man!
--2nd Ave subway stop
Overheard by: Dahlia
So She Could Be South American
Girl #1: Is she sort of South American-looking? Brown hair, darker skin?
Girl #2: Ummm, she wasn't so much South American-looking as just black.
--A train
Overheard by: Joe
Then Who's That Blond Guy on Queer Eye?
NYU girl #1: Guess what? I'm going to Truman Capote's house tomorrow!
NYU girl #2: Wow!
NYU girl #1: Yeah.
NYU girl #2: To meet him?
NYU girl #1: Oh, no. He's, like, totally dead.
--Jane St, near W 4th St
Wonder Why She Keeps Cutting Herself
Girl #1 dressed as 1920s flapper: She was molested by her math teacher when she was a kid and sued for a ton of money.
Girl #2 dressed as 1920s flapper: Why couldn't I have been molested as child?
Girl #3 dressed as 1920s flapper: Lucky bitch!
--Eat Here Now diner, Lex Ave
No Further Humps after That
Redhead: ... And he's been bottling this all up and I guess my freak-out just pushed him over the edge.
Blonde: Yeah, totally. Like the straw that tipped the camel over...
--Haru, 18th & Park
I Just Bust Out Some Sit-ups Afterwards
Babe #1: Ew, did you know that a teaspoon of sperm contains five calories?
Babe #2: Have you ever swallowed?
Babe #1: Yes.
Babe #2: Ew. That is fucking nasty.
Babe #1: Have you?
Babe #2: Yeah.
--Astoria Blvd
You're Far Better Off Masturbating to Brad Pitt Movies
NYU girl: Nowadays if you get AIDS it's like, 'Whatever.'
Friend: Uh, no!
--6th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: uses a condom
You're Both Watching The Da Vinci Code
Girl #1: Don't you think it's crazy how the Bible was written in English?
Girl #2: I'm pretty sure it was written in Latin first...
Girl #1: I'm an idiot.
--Da Vinci Code showing, AMC Empire 25 theater
Overheard by: Jenn
There Should Be Just One Word Per Meaning
Bimbette: Why does that van say in-valid transportation? Why isn't it valid?
Friend: That's not 'in-valid'; it's invalid. They transport invalids. You know, the handicapped.
Bimbette: Well, why don't they say so?
--Bus, Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Why They Don't Run FEMA Anymore
Bimbette #1: Wait, but, like... What state is Louisiana in, again?
Bimbette #2: I don't know. Like, Arkansas?
--56th & Madison
Overheard by: trooshieb
You Have a Magic-Marker Penis on Your Forehead
Blonde: No, what's funnier is that this girl is Asian and she can't use chopsticks.
Brunette: Hahaha... Why can't she use ChapStick?
Blonde, slowly: Chop-sticks... Why did you laugh if you didn't get it?
--Hayden elevator, NYU
Overheard by: Jackster
Wait, That Was the Same Guy?
Bimbette #1: Yeah, that party was so hot, and that guy was so sweet, you know? He really didn't have to buy me a drink.
Bimbette #2: Yeah, that's why you did a good job in choosing to hook up with him!
--Spring St platform
Or the Last Viking Unicorn?
NYU bimbette #1: Yeah, see, I totally think there's something fishy about Dumbledore's death -- especially his funeral. Like, why was he buried out at sea?
NYU bimbette #2: He wasn't. He was buried at Hogwarts.
NYU bimbette #1: Wait... Am I thinking of First Knight?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Felony
From Hell's Heart I Shoot at Thee!
Professor: So, does anybody know why the ocean is salty?
Bimbette: Isn't it because of all the whale sperm?
--Oceanography class, Kingsborough Community College, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Anti-Traffic Girl
This Week on The El Word
Blonde #1: I feel like I didn't apply to enough colleges. [Looks at poster of the University of Chicago] Oooh, Chicago. I should go there.
Dude: You won't get in.
Blonde #1, ignoring him: Where is Chicago, anyway? It's a country, right? Ohhh, wait! I'm so stupid. It's a state!
Blonde #2: Duh.
--College office, High School of Telecommunication Arts and Technology, Brooklyn
Overheard by: ...If I didn't get in, she shouldn't even be applying
Well, What Have You Got That's Motorboatable?
Chick: Oh my god, Ali. You totally motorboated me at the bar last night!
Ali: And then you showed your tits to everyone, you whore.
Chick: Yeah, but I got a free shot.
Ali: And I do enjoy seeing your tits...
Ali's boyfriend: Is it weird that you like her tits more than me?
--Metro North out of Fordham
"The Thick-Headed League"
Bimbette #1: There's this castle on the West coast... I think it belongs to the guy who wrote Sherlock Holmes.
Bimbette #2: Yeah, he seems like a West coast kind of guy.
--Train from Poughkeepsie to Manhattan
Well, Technically They Weren't to Me
Bimbette on cell: He cheated on me! Yes, he did! He cheated on me and then I gave him another chance and he cheated on me again. And then I gave him another chance and he cheated on me again... Well, I gave him another chance because he would write me these nice love letters...
--12th & Broadway
Not Even the Worst Date He's Had This Week
Annoying girl on first date: Now, I don't wear a lot of jewelry, so my engagement ring will really have to be spectacular.
Dazed guy: [Silence.]
Annoying girl: And I've decided that I've got to have a destination wedding.
--Seafood restaurant, 77th & 3rd
Just Call Me Whore-ence Nightingale
Chick to distraught girl in bathroom stall: Hey, yo, girl -- I fucked the bouncer, so I could get you some water if you need it.
--Off the Wagon, MacDougal St
Headline by: Hellespont
Runners-Up:
· "I also fucked your boyfriend, maybe I could talk him into taking you back" - Rudeboy
· "If you need a sandwich i'm gonna need a condom" - Chris
· "Mother Teresa; The Early Years" - rose
· "Skanks Develop New Currency in Response to Global Warming" - ilemanzer
· "So That's Why They Call it Tap Water" - Jeff St Real
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
What the Fuck Is a Garden?
NYU bimbette #1: What were the original seven wonders of the world?
NYU bimbette #2: I don't know -- some shit that I've never heard of. Hold on, I'll look it up... The Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Where the fuck is that?
NYU bimbette #1: I don't know... Long Island?
--NYU BOBST Library
Why Would the Doctor Ask about My Last One?
Chick #1: Like, seriously. What is a BMW?
Chick #2: I think it's a car.
Chick #1: Um, I don't think so.
--7 train
He Had a Nice Supper First, Though
Blonde: Can you say 'Happy Passover' to someone?
Brunette: Passover is a happy holiday, I think. 'Cause it's about food and stuff.
Blonde: Okay. I wasn't sure. 'Cause, you know, Jesus died, so I dunno how that works. That's not too happy...
--Olympic Diner, 8th Ave
Maybe I'll Go the Extra Mile and YouTube a Sex Video
Prostitot #1: You know what I am totally afraid of? That I'll say something dumb or mean in school, somebody will hear it then post it on their MySpace, and then, like, everyone will read it and think I'm dumb or something.
Prostitot #2: Oh, that is, like, easy to fix. All you do is put up a lot of pictures of you in, like, a bikini or your underwear or something, and then, like, everyone will be on your side if anybody says they heard you say something dumb or whatever. They'll totally bash whoever made the nasty post about you saying they are jealous or some shit.
Prostitot #1: Wow, really?
Prostitot #2: Oh, yeah. Remember last semester when I got into that fight with Jaimie and she, like, posted the whole thing?
Prostitot #1: Yeah.
Prostitot #2: Well, the next day I put up that picture of me in the wet shirt. Everyone totally went after Jaimie saying she was just all jealous I had more friends on my page.
Prostitot #1: I am so going home now and putting up pictures of me in my underwear!
--F train
Debil!
Blonde: Gosh, these lines are, like, so long.
Brunette: Yep.
Blonde: I'm, like, not from here so, like, I'm not used to this.
Brunette: Uh-huh.
Blonde: I'm actually from, like, Ohio. Where are you from?
Brunette: Albany.
Blonde: Oh my gosh, really?! Say something in Albanian!
Employee passerby: Fucking tourists...
--Banana Republic Women, Soho
Overheard by: MistressSilver
I'd Rather Date Her
Boyfriend holding up slutty top: What about this one?
Girlfriend: If you were a girl you'd be the biggest skank in New York.
--Charlotte Russe, Manhattan Mall, 33rd & 6th
Headline by: Scott
Runners-Up:
· "And knock the Statue of Liberty right off that pedestal." - LORI
· "But at least it flatters my man-boobs" - Andrew
· "I learned from the best" - Breanne S.
· "Putting the "Ho" back in "Homeboy"" - cinekat
· "What She Doesn't Know Won't Hurt Her" - Alison R.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'm Over It Now, Though, in the Daylight
Bimbette #1: I know you guys made out and had sex. You had a little crush.
Bimbette #2: Well, he was nice to me.
--12th & 4th
Mental Note: Make This Girl Love Me
Chick #1: A guy's penis size is directly proportional to how much you like them.
Chick #2: So true! When I really liked Josh I said it was kind of small. Now that I'm over him it's practically a vagina.
--Starbucks, Morningside Heights
Maybe I Should Tickle You at Strategic Moments
Bimbette during intermission: So, like, I don't get it.
Friend: I can explain it to you. So, it's like a farce or something. And it's, like, based on this British comedy group, Monty Python.
Bimbette: Oh. I thought that was a snake.
--Spamalot show, Schubert Theater
Overheard by: Oh Broadway
God: Whoa! What the Hell Is That?
Blonde: Do you ever pray?
Brunette: Oh, I pray a lot in the shower. It's kind of weird because then I feel like God is watching me shower, but then I remember that he's obviously seen all that before.
--Webster's Café, Bronx
Another Tough Year for Roses Up There
Bimbette: Like, the Eskimos get drunk and kill each other for fun.
Eskimo chick: Not my family. We garden.
--Elevator, School of Visual Arts
It Was Only a Welterweight Slap
Girl #1: So he slapped you with his penis?
Girl #2: Well, yeah -- what else does he have?
--2 train
Overheard by: RetroSarcasm
Because I May Have Missed the Best Part
Bimbette #1: So, my mom was watching that Saddam Hussein guy get hung.
Bimbette #2: Oh my god! I couldn't bear to see something that graphic! Ugh! I can't believe they would air something like that.
Bimbette #1: Oh, dude I know... And to top it off, she was all, 'This is like a bad gay porno, because he is so fucked'!
Bimbette #2: Wait, who are we talking about, again?
--Subway station, 30th Ave
I Don't Have the Nipples for Investigative Reporting, Though
Chick #1: Marketing is stupid. I should have been a weather girl. I would have been good at it. It's nice today. It'll be nice tomorrow. And it will be nice the next day. If I'm wrong, I'll just show a little more cleavage.
Chick #2: Yeah, you do have good cleavage for a weather girl.
--Lenny's Sandwich Shop, 23rd & 5th
It'll Be a Profoundly Retarded Essay
Teen girl #1: I have to write an expository essay on something that has impacted my life.
Teen girl #2: Has anyone in your family ever died?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, but no one, like, close to me.
Teen girl #2: Do you have any, like, retards in your family?
Teen girl #1: No, but I did meet a retard one time... He was, like, really retarded, too. Maybe I'll write about that...
--F train
Even If She Lives
20-something girl: You know, it's just not in Donna... It's just not in her hema-... hema-... What's it called? It's just not in her hematoma to be cool.
Friend: Totally! I know! No matter how she cuts her hair at any age she'll just never look good.
--86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Abby
Sure, Why Not?
Girl #1, in Spanish: Yesterday I saw the movie The History of Violence.
Girl #2: Hey, is that the one about the penguins?
--Spanish class, Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Espanola
They Can't All Belong to Narcissistic Assholes
Girl #1: He was a narcissistic asshole, and I'm glad to be rid of him, but god I'll miss that big dick.
Girl #2: There's better dick in the sea, and I'm sure you'll come upon some.
--Union Square
Overheard by: I feel you girl
Yoo-hoo Made My Brother Gay, Though
20-something girl #1: Why do they call it 'Smart Water'?
20-something girl #2: Because it has electrolytes.
20-something girl #1: But does it make you smarter?
20-something girl #2: No! Does drinking Dr. Pepper make you a doctor? I don't think so!
--6 train
Overheard by: Moses
She Has a Black Belt in Combat Epistemology
Brunette looking up from book: Did you know?
Blonde: What? What? You gotta tell me!
Brunette: Never mind. I don't want you to know knowledge.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: that explains a lot
Mine's in a Secret Abdominal Compartment
Asian princess: #1: You know what's annoying?
Asian princess: #2: What?
Asian princess: #1: When, like, people carry, like, two bags.
Asian princess: #2: Oh my god, I know! Like, when they have their school bag and then their coach bag...
Asian princess: #1: Totally! It's like, sooo annoying.
Asian princess: #2: Yeah! That's why I put my bag in my school bag.
--Q11 bus
Wish I Could Say the Same
Girl #1: I can't believe you fucked him in my bed!
Girl #2: Well, I made sure that he didn't cum on your sheets!
Girl #1: How thoughtful of you.
--Rivington & Allen
Overheard by: Snorted through my nose
But It's Easier to Keep Having Abortions Than to Think about It
Tall brunette: No -- ovulating! There's a difference between menstruating and ovulating.
Short brunette: I still don't get it.
--Olive Garden
Anytime I See a White Boy with a Banjo, I Melt
Ghetto girl #1: I love guys that can saaang!
Ghetto girl #2: Yeah, me too. They be marinatin' you. That shit's mad sexy.
Ghetto girl #1: Marinate? The fuck?! You mean 'serenate.' You's a stupid-ass bitch!
--G train, Clinton-Washington station
Overheard by: all up in your grill
Your Place Is Clean, Right?
Brunette: So, did you tell your mom yet?
Blonde: Yeah, my boyfriend was actually more upset about it than she was. She's really laid-back.
Brunette: That's good.
Blonde: Yeah, she said as long as I went to a nice, clean place to get it done, she's happy.
--6 train
Overheard by: Allicat
Next Semester, the Fondler's 'C'
Chick: Like, last semester I totally put out and I got an A.
Dude: Like, a straight A?
Chick: Yeah. But this semester I'm just too tired to put out, and I just got a B on that paper.
Dude: Rough.
--Columbia University
She Just Says That because She Doesn't Know How to Make It Plural
Girl #1: She's, like, totally forgotten that there are different kinds of penis.
Girl #2: I know, it's like she thinks there's just one penis.
--115th & Broadway
That Way, Meryl Will Be a Lock after Oprah's Two Terms
Girl #1: The Devil Wears Prada is like, the best movie ever made.
Girl #2: Oh, totally. Meryl Streep's character was fabulous in that!
Girl #1: Dude, Meryl Streep should run for President. No, wait. Oprah should run for President, and Meryl Streep should be Vice President.
--86th & Lex
Why Camus Wrote The Plague
Chick #1: You can't, like, wear all black.
Chick #2: Well, not unless you're a beatnik.
Chick #1: What's that?
Chick #2: You know, the guys who wear berets and play the bongos?
Chick #1: Like the French?
Chick #2: [Nods.]
Chick #1: Who knew they had bongos in France?!
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Smarter than these two
You Done with That Needle?
Study group girl #1: I totally had no idea that hepatitis had anything to do with your liver.
Study group girl #2: Oh, I know! I thought it was just a disease. You know, like AIDS.
--Hormann Library, Wagner College, Staten Island
Ah, the City of Lights
Bimbette: So, where you going for winter break?
Idiot dude: Switzerland.
Bimbette: Oh, cool, cool... What do they speak there, again?
Idiot dude: I dunno...
Bimbette: Hmmm... Dutch?
Idiot dude: Yeah, yeah, Dutch!
--78th St, between Park & Madison
Overheard by: dont speak ever again
Wait, So Where Are We, Again?
Chick #1: Which one of these countries does not border Argentina? Brazil, Uruguay, Peru, or Bolivia?
Chick #2: Peru, duh.
Chick #3: Obviously. [Makes note on paper, reading aloud] Peru, Europe.
Chick #2: Peru's not in Europe, dude.
Chick #3: No, no, because all the other countries are in South America, the reason Peru isn't connected is because it's in Europe!
--NYU
Clearly, I'm Hanging Out in the Wrong Places
Bimbette #1: Oh my god, shamans are, like, so in right now!
Bimbette #2: Really?!
Bimbette #1: Yeah! Like, every day I wake up and it's like, shaman-this and shaman-that.
--50th & 6th
And I Wanted Him to Shave Me
Guy: You bought your boyfriend swords?
Girl: We had just started going out.
--NY Comic Con, Javits Center
Overheard by: Kevin Frost
Yeah, Vollard's Cat Is Wearing Fur
High school girl #1: Imagine posing for all of these artists.
High school girl #2: Yeah, but you'd be standing around naked all of the time.
High school girl #1: You probably didn't have to be entirely naked.
--Vollard exhibit, the Met
Your School Does Suck
Bimbette #1: My school doesn't give out our grades 'til three days after the semester.
Bimbette #2: Wow! My school sucks. We have to wait 72 hours.
--Manhattan-bound N train from Brooklyn
Overheard by: Steve
It's a Damn Good Thing You Put Out
Ditzy teen: Hey, is the pope Jewish?
Boyfriend: Ummm, no -- why the hell would you think that?
Ditzy teen: Well, he wears that little Jewish thing on his head.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Olivia
Wednesday One-Liners Watch Oz
Woman to friend: It just wasn't what they imagined when they dreamed of going to jail.
--5th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: MK
LA bimbette to another: I think, like, everyone I know has been arrested. I mean, like, who hasn't been charged with a drunk and disorderly at least once?
--R train
Chick to friend: Yeah, he got a lot of gold chains, but that's an investment... That's bail.
--Bus, Port Authority
Guy leaving subway: Hey, baby, I'm home! One more day and I'm not in jail!
--Subway entrance, 125th St
Overheard by: Leaving Harlem
Teen thug: Man, I never had to spend Valentine's Day with my mom... If her boyfriend wasn't in jail she wouldn't be bothering me.
--Eastern Pkwy Library
Chick to boyfriend: So, that's what you learned in prison?
--Central Park
Touchy-Ass Cannibals
Chick #1 reading can: 'Pineapple chunks in its own juices.' Ewww.
Chick #2: Hey, at least it doesn't say 'Pineapple chunks in his own juices.'
Chick #1: Why would it say that?!
--D'Agostinos, 78th & York
He's a Huge Baseball Fan
Blonde #1: Is Super Bowl Sunday this Thursday?
Blonde #2: I think so... I'll ask my boyfriend, he'll know.
--Union Square
Overheard by: brunette in a bottle
Reality Is What They Had before TV
Female student #1: I feel bad for Czar Nicholas, because not only did he get overthrown and exiled, but Rasputin came in while he was gone and messed up his whole country.
Female student #2: What, you mean like in Anastasia?
Female student #1: No, I mean in, like, real life. The movie was based off real life.
Female student #2: Wait, you mean Rasputin was real?
--Bleecker & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Andrew
How Many Danger Signs Can You Find?
Blonde: Yeah, so I talked to him on the phone about three weeks ago, and he was saying how we haven't chilled 'cause he's been in and out of court... I don't know. I wish he'd call.
Brunette: Hey, maybe he's in jail.
Blonde: Damn... I still didn't get my lighter back!
--Park Slope
She's Also Got New York Sarcasm Down Pat
Blonde girl: So, you're from Puerto Rico and you just moved here? Wow, that's so exciting! Do you speak Puerto Rican?
Puerto Rican girl: No, but I speak Mexican fluently.
--Tisch Hospital, 33rd & 1st
Overheard by: I speak mexican too
He Almost Has to Be a Dick to Compensate
Girl #1: He was, like, a total dick, you know? But it's like, he's allowed to be, you know?
Girl #2: Well, yeah. He's a straight NYU guy who plays soccer.
Girl #1: Yeah. So he could get away with it.
--Cantor Film Center, NYU
Overheard by: not an nyu straight guy
Almost the Platonic Archetype
Chick #1 perusing lunch specials: God, that is so guh-ross!
Chick #2: What now?
Chick #1: That bloody roast beef thing right there... All of that red meat... It's the flesh of animals! It's so cruel and it makes me sick. I'm a total vegan these days.
Chick #2: Huh. Wait, didn't you have a bacon and egg sandwich this morning?
Chick #1, haughtily: Yeah, but that's not the actual flesh of any animal, now is it?
Chick #2: Wow. You are the first real idiot I've ever met.
--Cafe Europa, 6th Ave
Overheard by: BellaStella
An Old-School Reagan Republican
Tight jeans #1: It's like the only way to be a punk these days is to be a Republican.
Tight jeans #2: I know.
--2nd Ave, between 7th & 8th St
Overheard by: Tim
Our Plan Is Coming to Fruition, Gentlemen
Cute blonde girl: I was in Duane Reade last night at three a.m. I was buying little green army men!
Cute brunette girl: Why were you buying little green army men?!
Cute blonde girl: I don't know!
--545 45th St
Overheard by: Javi
Just Like I Do in January on That Kwanzaa Guy's Birthday
Chick: I'm so glad for those, uh, Ramadan people.
Friend: Muslims?
Chick: Yeah, the UN was closed and I got to sit at home watching soap operas and eating cereal.
--6 train
So Now She's Skinnier Than Me!
Tiny gym bunny: I've had a really hard past couple of years...
Gym guy: Really?
Tiny gym bunny: Yeah, last year my mom got breast cancer...
Gym guy: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Tiny gym bunny: Yeah, and to top it off, I got fat!
Gym guy: Pardon?
--Crunch Gym, 13th & Broadway
And Here's Me Just Using Mine for Sex and Pissing Like a Sucker!
NYU bimbette #1: I found out he's uncircumcised.
NYU bimbette #2: I know. I can tell from the way he talks.
--NYU dorm lobby
Overheard by: ashamed
Batman and Robin Was the Greater Tragedy
Blonde: I think I'm going to donate money to that thing George Clooney was talking about.
Friend: What?
Blonde: Darfur.
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Overheard by: betty machete
Or Are Those Croutons?
Tourist chick #1: What is 'soup du jour'?
Tourist chick #2: You know, soup with all those little de jours in it.
Tourist chick #1: Oh, right.
--Quasi-French place, E 52nd St
Overheard by: Diner at same restaurant
Our Boundless Self-Esteem Doesn't Do It for You?
Teen chick #1: So, what? Are you sick of all us girls now?
Teen boy: Yeah.
Teen chick #2: Why, because you've hooked up with all of us?
Teen boy: Yeah.
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Metrosexual
Professor: Where is the line between what is homosexual and what is not? Is a circle jerk not gay? Oh, god. I'm sorry to anyone who doesn't know what that is.
--NYU
Girl: It makes you look gay, and I don't mean good gay.
--The Gap, 17th St & 5th Ave
Flamboyant man on cell: I got you the one that had an 'L.V.' on it... How am I supposed to know what that means? I'm not that kind of gay!
--Grand St & Broadway
Overheard by: callmedrpalmer
TA: We can talk about boy sex, but we can't talk about homosexuality.
--Classroom, NYU
Queer: Wait, how did you end up the gayest? Because I started out the gayest!
--Time Square
Overheard by: Tourist Who Blends
Bimbette: No, Jesus was gay. That's the only solution.
--4 train
Overheard by: solution to what?
I Didn't Go to the Trouble of Poisoning All Those People Just to Be Ignored
Blonde chick: Oh my god, so there's this playwright who died, and they're like, putting on a re-... re-... Well, like, whatever it's called, they're putting it on. They're reading some lines. But anyway, like, her brother who, like, my dad like, used to work with -- well, he's dead, too. And I'm like, 'Why are you hanging out with your girlfriend's daughter when I'm your real daughter?'
Friend: Oh my god, you should totally bitch him out.
Blonde chick: Oh, I will.
--Elevator, NYU residence hall
Jake: Man, That Chick Only Looks Good When I'm Drunk
Chick #1: Pretty much every girl will sleep with anybody if she's got a few drinks in her. But there are only, like, one or two guys she'll have sober sex with. Right this moment, the only person I'd want to have sober sex with is Jake.
Chick #2: Why?
Chick #1: Because I'm fucking in love with him.
--R train
Or a Hologram -- I Always Get Them Confused
Hispanic woman #1: ... And he was all, 'You're not sick, it's your diet.'
Hispanic woman #2: But you're not on a diet.
Hispanic woman #1: No, no, he meant what I eat makes me sick. Then I told him when I'm sick I take NyQuil, and he said I can't do that.
Hispanic woman #2: Why not?
Hispanic woman #1: Girl, he's a Holocaust.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Lepidus
Like Missionaries
Girl looking at GRE study guide: I'm not very smart. I took a practice test the other day and didn't do good.
Friend: 'Well.' You didn't do well.
Girl: No, it's 'good.' A person is 'well' -- like, 'I'm doing well,' but a person can't do something well, they do it good.
Friend: You're wrong.
Girl: No, that's how it is.
--Barnes & Noble, 5th Ave
And Leprosy?
Hungover girl #1: You and Kevin* seemed to be having a good time last night.
Hungover girl #2: Yeah, it was weird, though... I think one of his teeth fell out while we were making out.
Hungover girl #1: ... He has a tongue ring, you idiot.
--Columbia campus
The Difference between Atheists and Agnostics
Guy: I've been finding myself becoming more and more of a misanthropist.
Bimbette: I tried that once, but the chains were a bit much.
Guy: [Angry glare.]
--BBQ, 8th & University Pl
What's the Bad News?
Tall blonde: Didn't you say you were getting an ice cream cake? I'm so confused.
Short blonde: There was no time for both, so that'll have to be another break a little later.
Tall blonde: Ah, okay. I just was worried about it sitting in Accounting, so I went to get it and they had no idea what I was talking about.
Short blonde: Oh, no, no. Plus, I couldn't carry all three. The good news -- Mylar won't melt.
--25th & Broadway
Overheard by: prciosasoy
And They Hate to Be Reminded of It
Chick #1 watching Swedish guy on screen: What fucking language is that?
Chick #2: Duh... Irish. Wait... Don't they speak, like, English?
--Movie theater, Cobble Hill
Overheard by: angel
They Just Connected All the Indian Burial Grounds
Teen girl #1: So, which did they build first, the subway or the city?
Teen girl #2: What?
Teen girl #1: Well, the subway looks real old, like it was built in the 1900s or something. Back then, there was no city.
Teen girl #2: Oh... Good question...
--R train
Overheard by: Alicia
ObGyn: Nothing Up My Sleeve...
Girl #1: Oh my god, I just thought of something so cool!
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Women are like magicians!
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: They pull bunnies out of hats, and we can pull babies out of our vaginas!
Girl #2: Wow, you're so smart!
Girl #1: I know, right?
--Apple Store
Guess You're Kinda Fucked If You Want to Leave Manhattan
Chick #1: It's so sad that California is going to become an island.
Chick #2: I don't know how to swim.
--A train
They Always Have Candy!
Blonde: We need to cover loads of ground if we want an agent to poach us.
Friend: Why can't we just go pay for one?
Blonde: They totally just walk the streets looking for hot people and pay them to become models.
Friend: And what are the odds we are gonna just run into one?
Blonde: Trust me, they're everywhere. They drive around in vans looking for people to audition.
Friend: Please tell me you haven't been picked up by one of these 'agents' before!
--Brooklyn Heights Promenade
Turns Out My House Was on Fire
Bimbette #1: The weather has been crazy.
Bimbette #2: Yeah, I thought we were having global warming yesterday.
--1 train
Meyers-Briggs Questions That Didn't Make It
Gucci girl #1: Okay, let's play 'Would You Rather?'!
Gucci girl #2: Okay.
Gucci girl #1: Would you rather... be an auto mechanic or... die of breast cancer?
--F train
Overheard by: My sister
Like Becoming Disenchanted with Both Sexes
Chick #1: Wait, you like pussy?
Chick #2: Well...
Chick #1, yelling: You like pussy! That's amazing! This opens up so many options!
--Madison & Rutgers
And What They Did to Dick Clark
Guy: So, for New Year's...
Bimbette: Yeah, well, I don't want to do any of that Times Square stuff -- it's really scary there. All those terrorists...
--Joe's Shanghai, Chinatown
Overheard by: soup dumpling
Insatiable Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: No, no, no! He said they came to search him and he swallowed it.
--Sullivan & Bleecker
Teen girl at human limbs exhibit: Hmmm, I'm hungry.
--Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Frat boy on cell: I miss you, baby. I love ya. I want to taste your saliva. Call me later when you're drunk.
--University Pl & 14th St
Overheard by: Erin
Bimbette lighting a cigarette: This probably isn't what I should be having for breakfast.
--14th St & 1st Ave
Man on cell: Have you talked about coating her in peanut butter and jelly and eating her like a sandwich? No? Okay.
--Starbucks, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: MmmSandwich
Mom: Who's the yummiest baby in the world? Is it you? Are you super-duper yummy?
--115th St & Broadway