Well, That Was 20 Seconds of Reading Time We'll Never Get Back

Hot chick on cell: Yeah, no... Like, I'm pretty convinced that Patrick* is, like, totally gay. Well, because when we, like, dated, he would always want to go shopping and take, like, the longest time, like always studying how tight jeans made his ass look. And, like, he told me how his best friend ended up being, like, uber-gay, and like, he would always say, like, random shit like, 'Y'know, like, people you don't even, like, know could be gay.' I'd be like, 'O-M-G -- what?!' And, like, the entire time we went out, we only had sex, like, once, and that was when I, like, lost my virginity... No, I didn't consider it the official, like, time I actually lost my V-card because he couldn't even, like, get it up... No, we were not drunk! I'm not like that big of a slut... Or at least, I wasn't then.

--Chelsea

Compassion: A NYC Short Story

Guy: Did you hear about that guy that fell from a 47th floor and survived?
Girl: No.
Guy: It's crazy! The paramedics found him conscious, too.
Girl: Wow. Can you help me upload my Jingle Ball photos to my Kodak account?

--1500 Broadway

Weren't You in Michigan in 2001?

Chick: I dunno, ever since 9/11, my period has been all off.
Guy: Really? You think the trade towers had something to do with it?
Chick: Yeah, I think so... Maybe because of all the dust in the air from the building or something.

--Penn Station

Overheard by: Shalvi

I Think I'm for It

Senior girl #1: So, what is that 'Derfer' thing I keep seeing all those signs about?
Senior girl #2: What?
Senior girl #1: You know, Derfer -- D-A-R-F-U-R
Senior girl #2: Dare-fyore? Hmmm, I don't know.
Senior girl #1: Whatever. Anyways...

--Townsend Harris High

Or Is That because the Train Is Going North?

Dude: Do any of these trains go under water?
Chick: Yeah, you can feel it getting colder. It's so cool.
Dude: Which train is it?
Chick: It's one of those trains that goes from Brooklyn to Manhattan. I think it was the B or the G...

--6 train, Brooklyn Bridge City Hall

Not Target-Good, Anyway

Skinny brunette: ... And Michelle screamed at me! I mean, like, seriously! What's her problem?!
Hot guy, tapping Rolex: We have to go! I need to use the bathroom!
Skinny brunette: Oh, just piss in the bushes. It's not like this is a good store or anything.

--Outside Bergdorf Goodman's

Overheard by: Caley

But at Least You've Gotten That Whole "Chicken of the Sea" Thing Straight Now, Right?

Girl #1: I am, like, so dumb. I mean, really dumb. People look at me and think I'm dumb.
Girl #2: Yeah...

--Central Park

Or Is It a Laboratory Poodle?

Bimbette #1: Chris got a lab-a-doodle.
Bimbette #2: What's that?
Bimbette #1: It's a cross between a Labrador and a doodle.

--Lexington Ave, between 61st & 62nd St

Overheard by: The New York Crank

Nor Can I Utter It without Giggling

Knitting girl, about public speaking professor: She kept telling us we need to watch our diction. Meanwhile, she didn't even tell us what 'diction' was.
Friend: What the hell is diction?
Knitting girl: I don't even know.

--L platform, 8th Ave

Overheard by: Bethany

Where the Meth Comes Sweepin' Down the Plain

Bimbette: Not a lot of people do meth anymore. It's like one in ten million.
Guy: What?! It's like the crack of the Midwest. Everyone does it.
Bimbette: No, it only seems like that because they're all in one state.
Guy: Which one?
Bimbette: Oklahoma.

--Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Is Kathy Ireland, the designer, one of them?

She's Used to All That Pseudo-Italian Crap

Woman #1, pointing to smallest cup: So, what size is this?
Barista: That's a small.
Woman #1: And what size is this?
Barista: That's a medium.
Woman #1: And so what size is this?
Barista: That's a large.
Woman #2: Wow, this has been the most fascinating exchange I've heard in quite some time.

--9th St Espresso, East Village

Overheard by: Shankalicious

Doctor: This Child's Chart Says Pneumonia. Why Are Her Legs Broken?

Guy: You should really take her to the hospital.
Woman with coughing, sweating, crying child: You wanna do somethin'? Why don't you get off yo' ass and take her temperature?! [To child] If you end up in the hospital, I'm gonna make sure you stay in the hospital!

--1 train

It's a damn good thing you put out!

Chick: I don't know -- all the worry about oil prices and gas... [Dude throws sideways glance.] What does oil have to do with gas, anyway? You don't put a can of oil in your gas tank.
Dude: You know what? You're a dumbass.

--W 52nd St

Overheard by: Eric Shellhamer

If I Can See Your Toenails, You Are Too Close for Your Own Good

Inmates in NYPD corrections bus: Give me a kiss, baby! Come on, I need it! Hey, nice toenails, sweetheart!
Girl passerby, to friend: Well, I did just paint them last night.

--Chinatown

And Education Clearly Has No Intrinsic Value

Man: I bet you're hot to trot to get back to school
Girl: No, not really. My dad will be driving me.

--Rolling Hills Park, Staten Island

Tell Her a Quarter Is Two Bits and Watch Her Head Explode

Girl counting her money: Excuse me, ma'am -- are there four quarters in a dollar?
Older lady: Yes, my dear.
Girl: Oh, great! Thanks!

--Times Square station

Whose Self?

Girl #1: He's just self-conscious.
Girl #2: Conscious about what?!
Girl #1: ... Himself.

--Original Pizza, Bay Ridge & 4th

Overheard by: Patrick

Still Taking Adolessons

Bimbette #1: I don't want to grow up. The real world is scary.
Bimbette #2: Yeah... Puberty sucks.
Bimbette #1: Ummm, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure puberty is done when you're, like, fifteen. We're 18 now...
Bimbette #2: Oh. Well, maybe I'm a late bloomer.

--UES

Overheard by: Allie

Why the Bush Administration Issues Peppermints

Bimbette #1: Do you have sucking candy?
Bimbette #2: No, but I have gum.
Bimbette #1: I don't want gum -- I don't want to chew and use my brain.

--LIRR

Overheard by: pbq

A Gay Man Told Her about "Killer Shorts"

Blonde: So, where'd y'all go on vacation?
Brunette: Bermuda.
Blonde: And y'all came back alive?!

--Union Square

I Went to NYC and All I Got Was This Rash

Drunk tourist flirt: It was verrry nice meeting you all, and I hope to see you all again real soon! [Shakes hands with local teens, then leaves.]
Local teen, to friends: Yo, she wanna fuck e'rybody!

--4 train

Overheard by: Not Me

Headline by: VeggieGirl

Runners-Up:
· "As If We Need to Import That or Something" - gib
· "I Went to NY and All I Got Was Bukkake" - Ken H.
· "Reader Survey: Britney, Paris, or Lindsey? Vote Now!" - Fleetline
· "She Ran Out Of Folks to Fuck Back in Iowa." - Redneck Jedi
· "Southern Hospitality Is the Shizzle" - The Heiress


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Well, a Little Glue, Yarn, a Marker, and Some Buttons, and It Could Be Both

Bimbette, about little boy in wheelchair: Aw, look at him! He's got a little hand puppet!
Friend: Actually, that's a cast.

--Lafayette & East Houston

Overheard by: Kim & Clerr

To Be Fair, There's a Thin Line between a Yarmulke and a Beret

Girl #1: Oy vey.
Girl #2: What's an 'oy vey'?
Girl #1: It's something French people say when they're stressed out.

--Penn Station

Overheard by: bhahah

He Only Turns on the Psychic Powers If You Sound Pretty

Chick on cell: How long will it be for a cab to Forest Hills?
Deadpan dispatcher: About 15 minutes.
Chick on cell: Ohhh... How long will it be if I call back in half an hour?
Deadpan dispatcher: I can't predict the future, ma'am.

--Kew Gardens, Queens

Overheard by: Stephanie

That Voice in Your Head Needs a Good Talking-To

Bimbette #1: You know when you think something and then a voice in your head is like, 'Yeah, yeah, say that out loud! That would be a good thing to say!' and then you do it and you're like, 'Well, that was a mistake...'?
Bimbette #2: Yeah.
Bimbette #1: Yeah, I think I just did that.

--R train

Can We Get a Tree and Go Crypto?

Girl: Oh, look how pretty they are! Can we pleeease get a Christmas tree? A little one?
Guy: Uh, no.
Girl: Well, why not?
Guy: Because we're Jewish.

--Astor Pl & Lafayette

Overheard by: Couple passing by

Why "Ooby-Dooby" Made a Comeback

LI girl: Tiffany, we need new expressions!
Tiffany: What?
LI girl: Like, new phrases to say in response to stuff.
Tiffany: Oh. Okay, we'll make some up.

--Billy's Bakery

If You Fuck Seattle Just Right, It Will Achieve Oregon

Chick #1: Where the fuck is Seattle?
Chick #2: Oregon.

--55th & 3rd

Overheard by: Meghan

If Only This Worked at the UN

Effeminate thug: Look at all the couples around us! They're happy! Why can't we be like that?!
Bimbette: I'm happy!
Effeminate thug: Well, I'm not. I don't understand why you have to keep lying to me and acting like it's all a joke.
Bimbette: Because I'm happy!
Effeminate thug: That's it, I'm leaving.
Bimbette: Want a blowjob?
Effeminate thug: ... Okay.

--R train

Overheard by: Yvo

The Lox-and-a-Schmear Internship

Bimbette: He's a med student at Ein-- Einstein.
Friend: Is that the bagel place?
Bimbette: I don't know. I have to look it up.

--NYU Law

Overheard by: If by

Anything Worth Saying Should Be Abbreviated

Bimbette #1: How do you feel about people who call instead of text message?
Bimbette #2: They make me sad.

--Columbia University

Overheard by: Sarah

How to Tell If Someone's a Republican

Bimbette, about sleeping bag lady: She has a lot of stuff.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Bimbette: She should get an apartment.

--25th & 3rd

But That Was Gonna Be My Opener

Brunette: I usually sit in front of him, but he got to class late the day we had the midterm and the only seat left was in front of me... And then I didn't know how to do any of the problems, so I just stared at him and daydreamed about playing with his balls and batting my eyelashes while giving him a blowjob.
Blonde: I strongly advise against mentioning that if you ever actually speak to him.

--Salon V, East Village

Overheard by: raconteuse

... During Which We Both Voted Republican

Girl: Well, we have a lot in common.
Skeptical friend: Really?
Girl: Yeah! Well, we were both in comas...

--Hunter College

I Probably Just Need Some Meth

Bimbette #1: I am so tired.
Bimbette #2: Ew, why?
Bimbette #1: I just, like, have not been able to sleep for the past week.
Bimbette #2: Oooh, that's probably because of all the crack you've been taking.
Bimbette #1: And all the triple espressos! Right, right.

--F train

The Ancients Were All Pretty Much Interchangeable

Girl #1: You never told me that. I didn't agree to any of that!
Girl #2: I know! I'm like... Who's the chick who started the Trojan War? You know, with the big horses?
Girl #1: Cleopatra?
Girl #2: I'm like fuckin' Cleopatra!

--NYU

Overheard by: PK

Just Make Up My Mind, Okay?

Annoyed bimbette: You cannot go out with him! Like, who will go and pick up random guys with me?
Brunette: I'll still go out with you.
Annoyed bimbette: No, I know you -- you'll say 'yes' when he asks you out. You can't go out with him. Oh, yeah, wait -- he's younger than you. You can get him pussy-whipped like that. You have to go out with him.
Brunette, defeated: Okay.

--S79 bus

... Exactly Who He Is

Bimbette #1: So then I got a text from him this morning [shows friend text message]. I mean, who forgets if they have sex?
Bimbette #2: Haha... There's not even a 'hello' or punctuation... Just 'Did we have sex.'
Bimbette #1: I know!
Bimbette #2: Well, did you?
Bimbette #1: I'm not sure...

--Central Park

Wasn't That the Original Premise of The View?

Bimbette #1: Oh my god, did you see that new movie?
Bimbette #2: Wait, what new movie?
Bimbette #1: You know. Ugh, what's it called? It's the one with Jessica Alba.
Bimbette #2: Um, Fantastic 4?
Bimbette #1: Yeah! There's only three, though, so I don't know why it's called Fantastic 4. It should be called 'Fantastic 3 Plus a Blob.'

--E 33rd & Lex

Overheard by: Kris

The Way They Speak French and All

Chirpy girl #1: Oh my god! They have peonies! How cute! I love peonies!
Chirpy girl #2: Me, too! Oh, wow, how cute!
French woman #1: Ooh-la-la... La pivoine! Pour le garçon?
French woman #2: Oui, oui.
Chirpy girl #1: Oh my god! It's an Italian! I love Italians!
Chirpy girl #2: Oh, wow! Me, too! Italians are so cute!

--Farmer's Market, Union Square

You Think They're Your Friends? That's So Cute.

Jogger girl #1: We should go out tonight to this cool new bar I heard of.
Jogger girl #2: Okay, where is it?
Jogger girl #1: Somewhere in the Fla-teer-on District.
Jogger girl #2: ... You mean the Flatiron District?
Jogger girl #1: Oh my god, I'm such an idiot. I've been telling all my friends at work about it -- why haven't they corrected me?

--88th & York

Overheard by: Moderately amused

Another Inconvenient Truth

Girl #1: Oh my gosh, we should totally go to Olive Garden. It's sooo good.
Girl #2: Honestly... Never say that again.

--Times Square

We're Only Conformist about Keeping Kosher

Blonde: Do you have a first name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: Yes.
Blonde: Do you have a last name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: Yes.
Blonde: Do you have a middle name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: No.
Blonde: Well, I wanna annoy you. What's your conformation name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: I'm Jewish.
Blonde: So?

--21st & 1st

There Are a Lot of Rich, Flaky Girls at Marymount Manhattan

Girl #1, studying for math exam: I still don't get it.
Girl #2: What I'm saying is that this statement has nothing to do with a croissant coming out of my ass.
Girl #1: Oh, okay.
Girl #2: Yeah, that's the only way I can remember how to do the problem.

--Marymount Manhattan College

Or Sunday Morning at Katz's Deli?

Bimbette #1: So, like, for my essay I wrote about the Jew migration in the 19th century...
Bimbette #2: Oh my god, what Jew migration?! You mean, like, oh my god -- like Moses leading them out of Egypt like in the Red Sea?!

--Oakland Gardens, Queens

Need Some Help? Turgid, Distended, Tumid, Inflamed...

Miniskirt #1: I feel so swollen.
Miniskirt #2: Oh my god! Swollen!
Miniskirt #3: Swollen!

--42nd & 5th

Overheard by: Jessica

Think That's Why He Robbed Us?

Brunette: I felt so bad for that cab driver yesterday.
Redhead: Yeah, I know! He was like, 'I've been here for seven years and I haven't done anything with my life...'
Brunette: Yeah, I know, and I'm like, 'Me, too... But I'm rich!'

--Elizabeth & Spring

Overheard by: mark

Yeah, You Don't Want to Sound Retarded

Bimbette #1: I got the hottest shoes. They're like Burberry, but cuter, with sexy heels. Zimbabwe likes them.
Bimbette #2: His name is Zimbabwe?
Bimbette #1: Well, no one can pronounce it. It starts with a 'K,' but I think it sounds retarded, so I'd rather call him Zimbabwe.

--66th & 3rd

He's Still My Favorite Gym Teacher, Though.