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And Yet If I Said "Bicycle," You'd Admire Me
Guy: I wanna get a horse and ride it all the way to L.A.
Girl: That might have been the most retarded sentence ever uttered.
--34th & 8th
Permission Denied!
Short scene girl: I'm trying to bring back the bandanna. For sure. It makes me look like a bandit, no?
Tall scene girl: Oh, but of course. Myself, I'm trying to bring back the side pony.
Fat girl: How about the vest? Can I bring back the vest? Hmmm?
Other girls, in unison: Shut the fuck up.
--Whole Foods
Overheard by: Kelly
That Might Be Best
Drama queen, looking at watch: I hope you're happy. We missed our train.
Stressed mother: Okay, okay... Let's just look at the board and see when the next train into Stamford it.
Drama queen: Mo-ooom...
Stressed mother: Listen, Bethany, I can't help it if the cab driver couldn't speak English and took us to the wrong place.
Drama queen: I think we both know that we're late because you're a fatass and had to stop at Starbucks.
Stressed mother: Bethany, enough.
Drama queen: Mom, I am a child model. I make more money than you do, and I could probably figure out the damn train if you'd let me.
Stressed mother: Enough.
Drama queen: If we don't get back to Vermont by nine o'clock tonight, I'm never speaking to you again.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Christine
She's Unconscious and Naked Right Now
Lady: Why are you wearing a St. John's shirt? Do you go there?
13-year-old girl: It's a college, Agnes.
Lady: Do you go there?
13-year-old girl: No, my sister does.
Lady: Then why isn't she wearing it?
--McDonald's, Francis Lewis Blvd & Willets Pt, Queens
She Has Slut-dar
Middle-aged man with suitcases: So, where's the airport, honey?
Russian chick: Oh my god. Oh my god.
Middle-aged wife: What? Newark Airport?
Russian chick: This isn't the airport, slut!
--Port Authority
When the Family's Finances Are "Mysteriously" Shifted to an Offshore Account, This'll All Come into Focus
Nanny: So, do you like being poor?
Obviously-not-poor child: Can I have a cookie?
Nanny: Maybe you should think about how you don't like being poor instead of cookies.
--W 77th, between Broadway & West End
Overheard by: Jen
Christenings Are Stressful Enough without Having to Worry about an Erect Priest
Biotech: Yeah, the last party she wore, like, lingerie and a coat.
Friend: She showed up mostly naked to a church?!
Biotech: So I told them 'business casual' this time.
--1 train, 86th & Broadway
Unfortunately, I Said It into the Intercom
20-something chick: So yeah, I didn't even care when this girl at my school died.
Friend: Whoa...
20-something chick: Well, she broke my friend's leg!
Friend: Oh...
20-something chick: When the principal was having the moment of silence, I was like, 'Geez, she didn't take this long to die!'
Friend: Dude...
--Webster Hall
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Well, by "Nice" I Meant "Fat"
UNICEF lady: Excuse me! You look like a nice lady!
Black lady: I'm not.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Shanaca
Just How St. John's Girls Clear Their Throats
Girl: Jerk.
Guy: Why do you always say that?
Girl: Asshole.
Guy: You always say that, too!
--St. John's University
Pop Quiz: How Many Faces Do the Girls Have? Show Your Work.
Skinny girl in dress: Okay, what do you guys think?
Friend #1: Oh my god, it looks so good on you.
Friend #2: I love it!
Skinny girl: Really? I don't know...
Friend #1: Seriously -- you should get it. It looks awesome on you.
Friend #2: If I were you, I'd totally get it.
Skinny girl: Okay... Thanks! I think I will. [Retreats into fitting room.]
Friend #1: God, she is so disgustingly skinny, it sickens me.
Friend #2: I could throw up right now.
--H&M fitting room, Broadway & Spring
Overheard by: lc
Lolly Launches Scuds at the Slightest Provocation
13-year-old WASP girl #1: Hey.
13-year-old WASP girl #2: You're a fucking bitch. I hope you burn in hell.
--85th & 1st
Overheard by: Rob
Actually, No -- See These Scars?
Biotech: God, I'm getting so old!
Friend: Old? You're only six months older than me.
Biotech: Whatever. You totally still could have been aborted by the time I was born.
--114th & Broadway
Like Dogs?
Jamaican nanny on cell: Girl, I just got back from a four day vacation. Where? My bed. We fucked nonstop for four days like dogs. I couldn't even get out to take a shit.
Mother: Excuse me, there are children around.
Jamaican nanny: Fuck the children!
--Food Emporium, UWS
Overheard by: Dan
But I'm Not Sure I See the Comparison to the Fall of Rome
Trendy teen girl #1: You know, it's like a fat girl who has a really pretty face...
Trendy teen girl #2: Oh my god, I hate that!
--Tribeca
And the Cafeteria Experienced a Sudden Decrease in Fishsticks
Biotech #1: Look, there's that creepy old librarian that used to work at the library at school!
Biotech #2: She was so gross! Every day I would go in to check out a book for a class and another one of her fingers would be missing!
Biotech #1: Yeah, that's probably why she left.
--Kiehl's, 3rd Ave
I... I Can't Be Over -- I Just Got Started!
Early-20s chick: Look at that girl! She's, like, thirty! She should just give it up and go have some kids already.
30-ish guy nearby: Fuck you!
--Scruffy Duffy's
Overheard by: 30 and kidless
Wanna See?
Blood center rep: Ma'am, would you like to donate blood today and save a life?
Woman: No, I'm donating into my maxi-pad as we speak.
Blood center rep: Ewww.
--96th St & CPW
Overheard by: Cathleen B
In New York, All the Prettiest Girls Are Boys
Girl #1: Well, you know, you are very pretty...
Girl #2: Look at my fucking hands! Do I look like a fucking tranny to you?! [Throws shopping bag at #1.]
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: wtf???
I Need to Trade Up While I Still Have the Downpayment
Chick: My boyfriend told me that we shouldn't keep our bank accounts together anymore. That way, when he bought the ring it would come out of his money, not our money.
Coworker: Awww, that's sweet! What did you say?
Chick: I said that was a good idea... Which it is, because we'll have to do it eventually when we break up. There is no way I'm gonna marry him.
--Vesey & West Side Hwy
Overheard by: On the periphery
Mom Just Will Not Quit
Mom: I wish you were gay.
Adult son: So I would dress better?
Mom: So I'd have an excuse to hate you.
--L train
Kinda Like How Standing Next to You Makes Me Feel Thin
Biotech: Like, the only reason I like living in Brooklyn is because everyone's a mess, so it makes me so feel normal, you know?
Friend: Yeah.
--E 77th, between 2nd & 3rd
Why Do All These People's Cell Phones Work on the Subway?
Ghetto nerd chick #1, to girl talking about Harry Potter on cell: Aw, hell, no she didn't! I have not been reading that shit since I was 13 to have the final ending fucked up by some crackwhore-looking bitch on her stupid pink faggot phone! Oh, fuck you, bitch! Fuck you! I'm going to kill you, feed you to wolves, then nuclear bomb the entire planet!
Ghetto nerd chick #2, into cell: I know, yeah... What? Oh, just some crazy bitch. Yeah, and can you believe that they killed off--
Ghetto nerd chick #1, covering her ears and singing: --Stuck on a train with a big fat whore. Stuck on a train. La-lala-lala...
--S train
Introducing the One Person in America Who Uses a Vibrator As a Massager
Biotech: Mary, go fuck yourself!
Mary: I... I don't know how.
--Grand & Roebling, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Jordan Cooper
And This Is Why You Weren't Invited to Our Wedding
Chick: Oh, God! You remember Anna from high school?
Guy: Yeah...
Chick: You know, the fuckin' ugly one?
Guy: Yeah, she's really nice.
Chick: I don't fucking care -- she is so fucking ugly! And I heard she's married now.
Guy: Yeah? Really?
Chick: Who the fuck would fuck her?
Guy: ... I did.
--F train
Dude, Would You Please Cowboy Up?
Desperate law student: But I love you!
Heartless biotech: That's your problem, not mine.
Desperate law student: I can't live without you.
Heartless biotech: So don't.
Desperate law student: You wouldn't even care if I killed myself, would you?
Heartless biotech: Not unless you decided to do it in front of my house and I had to have police and the media there. Then I'd be pissed.
Desperate law student: How can you be so cruel to someone who loves you so much?
Heartless biotech: Oh, just one thing -- if you do decide to kill yourself try to do it the week of August sixth, 'cause I'll be in Martha's Vineyard with Jason then.
--Brooklyn Law School library
Overheard by: Big Larry - cringing with empathy
Wait, Isn't That Passing?
College girl: How many Asians are in there?
Bouncer: I don't know.
College girl: Like, what's the percentage?
Bouncer: Seventy? [Girls walk away.]
--Bowery & Prince
Just Curious
Girl wearing cargo capris: Do I look like a lesbian in these pants?
Stranger girl: Yeah, why?
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Hal
C'mon, You Know I'm on the Cocaine and Celery Diet
Girl #1: Ow! Why does it hurt in my vein right here?
Girl #2: Maybe there's something stuck in it.
Girl #1: Stuck in it?! Like what?
Girl #2: I dunno, butter?
--Union Square
Is It Better to Be Used for Something Than Never to Be Used for Anything?
20-ish man: So, I used to use the laundry on Driggs, but that place is dirty. Two weeks ago I started coming here--
30-ish woman: --I don't give a shit. I just wanna have sex with you before I gotta get the kids and my husband comes home.
20-ish man: Okay.
--Greenpoint, Brooklyn
I Been in the Back of a Lot of Trucks
Biotech #1: Jersey girls ain't trash -- trash gets picked up!
Biotech #2: Hahaha!
NJ girl passerby, defensively: I get picked up!
--Penn Station
The Number of Possible Human Mistakes Is Dismally Small
Biotech #1: I hate fat people.
Biotech #2: Yeah, me, too. They should put them all in a concentration camp.
--Astor Pl & Broadway
Overheard by: Daniel
Melissa Rivers Finally Snaps
Chick: I wish my mother was fucking dead! I wish my mother was fucking dead! I'm going to kill that bitch! I wish she would die like the whore that she is!
Smiling suit: G'mornin'!
--PATH train
Overheard by: Rick Y.
"My Coke Dealer Says" Wouldn't Have Had the Same Ring
Loud lady: Would you like a tissue? [Guy on phone snivels loudly, shakes head. Lady waves tissue at him.] Excuse me, here's a tissue.
Guy, covering phone: No, thanks.
Loud lady: Please take the tissue. I hate that noise you're making. It's disgusting.
Guy, into phone: Nobody. I'm waiting for the train to move and some woman wants me to blow my nose.
Loud lady: It's making me sick to look at you. You should be ashamed of yourself. Take the tissue!
Guy, to loud lady: My mom says you're a rude bitch who should shut the fuck up and go to the next car if you don't like it! [Lady storms off.]
--N train, Ditmars station, Astoria
Overheard by: A Mother Says What?
You're Definitely a Full Grown Bitch
Girl #1: What do you mean I'm 'the cutest thing ever'? I'm 21! What am I, a puppy?!
Girl #2: All I meant was you wear colorful clothes and smile a lot!
--Urban Outfitters
Overheard by: Abram
Then Pay Me a Dollar Not to Clean It
Hobo: Hey, can I clean the snow off your car for a dollar?
Girl cleaning car: Ummm, no way.
Hobo: Even when it's cold white people are assholes.
Girl cleaning car, to passerby: I don't want his smelly ass touching my baby.
--115th St & Frederick Douglass Blvd
Overheard by: Paula
I Keep Applying; They Keep Turning Me Down
Girl #1: Can we get thin crust pizza instead?
Girl #2: Are you a fucking faggot?
--12th & Ave A
Overheard by: Liz
So I Can Complain about His Spinelessness
Girl #1: I'm so bored in life. I'm thinking of getting a boy toy.
Girl #2: Well, what about Mark?
Girl #1: Things with him are too straightforward. I want someone I can manipulate.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Columbia Student
Because That's Really Inconvenient for Your Friends
Dude: I mean, you don't have to completely fall apart once your child dies.
Chick: Yeah, seriously.
--Prince St
Overheard by: Aniela
They Normally Say, "Little Black Babies Are So Cute!"
Woman #1 to a child swinging his legs and wriggling: Stop that fidgeting!
Woman #2: See that? You even be irritating white women!
--B train, 96th St
Overheard by: Also Irritated
And Skinny Sulking Is Awesome
Girl #1: I can't even talk to her anymore. All she does is sit in her room, smoke pot and sulk. It's pathetic.
Girl #2: That's kind of what I do.
Girl #1: Me, too. But it's okay, 'cause we're not fat like she is.
Girl #2: Totally!
--Union Square
Compliment Her Shoes and Blood Will Be Shed
Girl #1: Nice scarf. Did you knit it yourself?
Girl #2: Fuck you. Don't talk to me.
--F train
Is There a Way to Take Her Out without Killing Her?
Teen girl #1: I just wish there was some middle ground. Like, if they could take the baby out without killing it.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, I know what you're talking about.
Teen girl #1: But with rape, I think it's totally wrong. It's her fault.
Teen girl #2: Really? Why?
Teen girl #1: If you're walking down a dark alley all alone, you have it coming to you. You should know better. It's totally your own fault.
--42nd & 6th
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
Diseased Vengeance Sex Is the Best
Girl: I'm so pissed at him... I'm gonna wait until my herpes show up and have sex with him.
Friend: Yeah, good idea. Do it.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Rebecca
Not a Good One, Though
Brooklyn guy: Cute kid you got there. How old is he?
Short-haired mom: She is 20 months.
Brooklyn guy: Oh, 'she.' Sorry, I didn't realize...
Short-haired mom: That's because gender is performance.
Brooklyn guy: [Sips coffee.]
--Vox Pop, Cortelyou Rd
Overheard by: the nearby barista
Although We All Start Out That Way
Biotech #1: He hired this blonde girl from Chicago... with pageant hair!
Biotech #2: Ew. Pageant hair? Hello, this is New York City. We aren't blonde, and we aren't perky!
--6 train
The Only Loophole Is Debilitating Disease
Brunette: Tyra Banks isn't fat, she just isn't anorexic like other supermodels.
Blonde: If you're not anorexic, you're fat.
Hobo: Amen to that, sister!
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: Charlie
Really? Who?
White teen: You've got a fat ass.
Black teen: Well, your ass has a stupid, scrawny bitch stuck to it.
--Times Square
Call Me Ishmael
Girl #1: Every time we go out she's all like, 'I need a boyfriend sooo bad!' And all she does is bitch about how she doesn't have a boyfriend. Well, it's like, 'Of course you don't have a boyfriend -- maybe if your blubber didn't hang down over your jeans some guy would want you.' No guy wants to mount a beached whale... Well, unless they're into that kind of thing...
Girl #2: I know the perfect guy.
Girl #1: I bet he's real hot.
--Columbia University