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And Yet If I Said "Bicycle," You'd Admire Me
Guy: I wanna get a horse and ride it all the way to L.A.
Girl: That might have been the most retarded sentence ever uttered.
--34th & 8th
Permission Denied!
Short scene girl: I'm trying to bring back the bandanna. For sure. It makes me look like a bandit, no?
Tall scene girl: Oh, but of course. Myself, I'm trying to bring back the side pony.
Fat girl: How about the vest? Can I bring back the vest? Hmmm?
Other girls, in unison: Shut the fuck up.
--Whole Foods
Overheard by: Kelly
That Might Be Best
Drama queen, looking at watch: I hope you're happy. We missed our train.
Stressed mother: Okay, okay... Let's just look at the board and see when the next train into Stamford it.
Drama queen: Mo-ooom...
Stressed mother: Listen, Bethany, I can't help it if the cab driver couldn't speak English and took us to the wrong place.
Drama queen: I think we both know that we're late because you're a fatass and had to stop at Starbucks.
Stressed mother: Bethany, enough.
Drama queen: Mom, I am a child model. I make more money than you do, and I could probably figure out the damn train if you'd let me.
Stressed mother: Enough.
Drama queen: If we don't get back to Vermont by nine o'clock tonight, I'm never speaking to you again.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Christine
She's Unconscious and Naked Right Now
Lady: Why are you wearing a St. John's shirt? Do you go there?
13-year-old girl: It's a college, Agnes.
Lady: Do you go there?
13-year-old girl: No, my sister does.
Lady: Then why isn't she wearing it?
--McDonald's, Francis Lewis Blvd & Willets Pt, Queens
She Has Slut-dar
Middle-aged man with suitcases: So, where's the airport, honey?
Russian chick: Oh my god. Oh my god.
Middle-aged wife: What? Newark Airport?
Russian chick: This isn't the airport, slut!
--Port Authority
When the Family's Finances Are "Mysteriously" Shifted to an Offshore Account, This'll All Come into Focus
Nanny: So, do you like being poor?
Obviously-not-poor child: Can I have a cookie?
Nanny: Maybe you should think about how you don't like being poor instead of cookies.
--W 77th, between Broadway & West End
Overheard by: Jen
Christenings Are Stressful Enough without Having to Worry about an Erect Priest
Biotech: Yeah, the last party she wore, like, lingerie and a coat.
Friend: She showed up mostly naked to a church?!
Biotech: So I told them 'business casual' this time.
--1 train, 86th & Broadway
Unfortunately, I Said It into the Intercom
20-something chick: So yeah, I didn't even care when this girl at my school died.
Friend: Whoa...
20-something chick: Well, she broke my friend's leg!
Friend: Oh...
20-something chick: When the principal was having the moment of silence, I was like, 'Geez, she didn't take this long to die!'
Friend: Dude...
--Webster Hall
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Well, by "Nice" I Meant "Fat"
UNICEF lady: Excuse me! You look like a nice lady!
Black lady: I'm not.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Shanaca
Just How St. John's Girls Clear Their Throats
Girl: Jerk.
Guy: Why do you always say that?
Girl: Asshole.
Guy: You always say that, too!
--St. John's University
Pop Quiz: How Many Faces Do the Girls Have? Show Your Work.
Skinny girl in dress: Okay, what do you guys think?
Friend #1: Oh my god, it looks so good on you.
Friend #2: I love it!
Skinny girl: Really? I don't know...
Friend #1: Seriously -- you should get it. It looks awesome on you.
Friend #2: If I were you, I'd totally get it.
Skinny girl: Okay... Thanks! I think I will. [Retreats into fitting room.]
Friend #1: God, she is so disgustingly skinny, it sickens me.
Friend #2: I could throw up right now.
--H&M fitting room, Broadway & Spring
Overheard by: lc
Lolly Launches Scuds at the Slightest Provocation
13-year-old WASP girl #1: Hey.
13-year-old WASP girl #2: You're a fucking bitch. I hope you burn in hell.
--85th & 1st
Overheard by: Rob
Actually, No -- See These Scars?
Biotech: God, I'm getting so old!
Friend: Old? You're only six months older than me.
Biotech: Whatever. You totally still could have been aborted by the time I was born.
--114th & Broadway
Like Dogs?
Jamaican nanny on cell: Girl, I just got back from a four day vacation. Where? My bed. We fucked nonstop for four days like dogs. I couldn't even get out to take a shit.
Mother: Excuse me, there are children around.
Jamaican nanny: Fuck the children!
--Food Emporium, UWS
Overheard by: Dan
But I'm Not Sure I See the Comparison to the Fall of Rome
Trendy teen girl #1: You know, it's like a fat girl who has a really pretty face...
Trendy teen girl #2: Oh my god, I hate that!
--Tribeca
And the Cafeteria Experienced a Sudden Decrease in Fishsticks
Biotech #1: Look, there's that creepy old librarian that used to work at the library at school!
Biotech #2: She was so gross! Every day I would go in to check out a book for a class and another one of her fingers would be missing!
Biotech #1: Yeah, that's probably why she left.
--Kiehl's, 3rd Ave
I... I Can't Be Over -- I Just Got Started!
Early-20s chick: Look at that girl! She's, like, thirty! She should just give it up and go have some kids already.
30-ish guy nearby: Fuck you!
--Scruffy Duffy's
Overheard by: 30 and kidless
Wanna See?
Blood center rep: Ma'am, would you like to donate blood today and save a life?
Woman: No, I'm donating into my maxi-pad as we speak.
Blood center rep: Ewww.
--96th St & CPW
Overheard by: Cathleen B
In New York, All the Prettiest Girls Are Boys
Girl #1: Well, you know, you are very pretty...
Girl #2: Look at my fucking hands! Do I look like a fucking tranny to you?! [Throws shopping bag at #1.]
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: wtf???
I Need to Trade Up While I Still Have the Downpayment
Chick: My boyfriend told me that we shouldn't keep our bank accounts together anymore. That way, when he bought the ring it would come out of his money, not our money.
Coworker: Awww, that's sweet! What did you say?
Chick: I said that was a good idea... Which it is, because we'll have to do it eventually when we break up. There is no way I'm gonna marry him.
--Vesey & West Side Hwy
Overheard by: On the periphery
Mom Just Will Not Quit
Mom: I wish you were gay.
Adult son: So I would dress better?
Mom: So I'd have an excuse to hate you.
--L train
Kinda Like How Standing Next to You Makes Me Feel Thin
Biotech: Like, the only reason I like living in Brooklyn is because everyone's a mess, so it makes me so feel normal, you know?
Friend: Yeah.
--E 77th, between 2nd & 3rd
Why Do All These People's Cell Phones Work on the Subway?
Ghetto nerd chick #1, to girl talking about Harry Potter on cell: Aw, hell, no she didn't! I have not been reading that shit since I was 13 to have the final ending fucked up by some crackwhore-looking bitch on her stupid pink faggot phone! Oh, fuck you, bitch! Fuck you! I'm going to kill you, feed you to wolves, then nuclear bomb the entire planet!
Ghetto nerd chick #2, into cell: I know, yeah... What? Oh, just some crazy bitch. Yeah, and can you believe that they killed off--
Ghetto nerd chick #1, covering her ears and singing: --Stuck on a train with a big fat whore. Stuck on a train. La-lala-lala...
--S train
Introducing the One Person in America Who Uses a Vibrator As a Massager
Biotech: Mary, go fuck yourself!
Mary: I... I don't know how.
--Grand & Roebling, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Jordan Cooper
And This Is Why You Weren't Invited to Our Wedding
Chick: Oh, God! You remember Anna from high school?
Guy: Yeah...
Chick: You know, the fuckin' ugly one?
Guy: Yeah, she's really nice.
Chick: I don't fucking care -- she is so fucking ugly! And I heard she's married now.
Guy: Yeah? Really?
Chick: Who the fuck would fuck her?
Guy: ... I did.
--F train
Dude, Would You Please Cowboy Up?
Desperate law student: But I love you!
Heartless biotech: That's your problem, not mine.
Desperate law student: I can't live without you.
Heartless biotech: So don't.
Desperate law student: You wouldn't even care if I killed myself, would you?
Heartless biotech: Not unless you decided to do it in front of my house and I had to have police and the media there. Then I'd be pissed.
Desperate law student: How can you be so cruel to someone who loves you so much?
Heartless biotech: Oh, just one thing -- if you do decide to kill yourself try to do it the week of August sixth, 'cause I'll be in Martha's Vineyard with Jason then.
--Brooklyn Law School library
Overheard by: Big Larry - cringing with empathy
Wait, Isn't That Passing?
College girl: How many Asians are in there?
Bouncer: I don't know.
College girl: Like, what's the percentage?
Bouncer: Seventy? [Girls walk away.]
--Bowery & Prince
Just Curious
Girl wearing cargo capris: Do I look like a lesbian in these pants?
Stranger girl: Yeah, why?
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Hal
C'mon, You Know I'm on the Cocaine and Celery Diet
Girl #1: Ow! Why does it hurt in my vein right here?
Girl #2: Maybe there's something stuck in it.
Girl #1: Stuck in it?! Like what?
Girl #2: I dunno, butter?
--Union Square
Is It Better to Be Used for Something Than Never to Be Used for Anything?
20-ish man: So, I used to use the laundry on Driggs, but that place is dirty. Two weeks ago I started coming here--
30-ish woman: --I don't give a shit. I just wanna have sex with you before I gotta get the kids and my husband comes home.
20-ish man: Okay.
--Greenpoint, Brooklyn
I Been in the Back of a Lot of Trucks
Biotech #1: Jersey girls ain't trash -- trash gets picked up!
Biotech #2: Hahaha!
NJ girl passerby, defensively: I get picked up!
--Penn Station
The Number of Possible Human Mistakes Is Dismally Small
Biotech #1: I hate fat people.
Biotech #2: Yeah, me, too. They should put them all in a concentration camp.
--Astor Pl & Broadway
Overheard by: Daniel
Melissa Rivers Finally Snaps
Chick: I wish my mother was fucking dead! I wish my mother was fucking dead! I'm going to kill that bitch! I wish she would die like the whore that she is!
Smiling suit: G'mornin'!
--PATH train
Overheard by: Rick Y.
"My Coke Dealer Says" Wouldn't Have Had the Same Ring
Loud lady: Would you like a tissue? [Guy on phone snivels loudly, shakes head. Lady waves tissue at him.] Excuse me, here's a tissue.
Guy, covering phone: No, thanks.
Loud lady: Please take the tissue. I hate that noise you're making. It's disgusting.
Guy, into phone: Nobody. I'm waiting for the train to move and some woman wants me to blow my nose.
Loud lady: It's making me sick to look at you. You should be ashamed of yourself. Take the tissue!
Guy, to loud lady: My mom says you're a rude bitch who should shut the fuck up and go to the next car if you don't like it! [Lady storms off.]
--N train, Ditmars station, Astoria
Overheard by: A Mother Says What?
You're Definitely a Full Grown Bitch
Girl #1: What do you mean I'm 'the cutest thing ever'? I'm 21! What am I, a puppy?!
Girl #2: All I meant was you wear colorful clothes and smile a lot!
--Urban Outfitters
Overheard by: Abram
Then Pay Me a Dollar Not to Clean It
Hobo: Hey, can I clean the snow off your car for a dollar?
Girl cleaning car: Ummm, no way.
Hobo: Even when it's cold white people are assholes.
Girl cleaning car, to passerby: I don't want his smelly ass touching my baby.
--115th St & Frederick Douglass Blvd
Overheard by: Paula
I Keep Applying; They Keep Turning Me Down
Girl #1: Can we get thin crust pizza instead?
Girl #2: Are you a fucking faggot?
--12th & Ave A
Overheard by: Liz
So I Can Complain about His Spinelessness
Girl #1: I'm so bored in life. I'm thinking of getting a boy toy.
Girl #2: Well, what about Mark?
Girl #1: Things with him are too straightforward. I want someone I can manipulate.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Columbia Student
Because That's Really Inconvenient for Your Friends
Dude: I mean, you don't have to completely fall apart once your child dies.
Chick: Yeah, seriously.
--Prince St
Overheard by: Aniela
They Normally Say, "Little Black Babies Are So Cute!"
Woman #1 to a child swinging his legs and wriggling: Stop that fidgeting!
Woman #2: See that? You even be irritating white women!
--B train, 96th St
Overheard by: Also Irritated
And Skinny Sulking Is Awesome
Girl #1: I can't even talk to her anymore. All she does is sit in her room, smoke pot and sulk. It's pathetic.
Girl #2: That's kind of what I do.
Girl #1: Me, too. But it's okay, 'cause we're not fat like she is.
Girl #2: Totally!
--Union Square
Compliment Her Shoes and Blood Will Be Shed
Girl #1: Nice scarf. Did you knit it yourself?
Girl #2: Fuck you. Don't talk to me.
--F train
Is There a Way to Take Her Out without Killing Her?
Teen girl #1: I just wish there was some middle ground. Like, if they could take the baby out without killing it.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, I know what you're talking about.
Teen girl #1: But with rape, I think it's totally wrong. It's her fault.
Teen girl #2: Really? Why?
Teen girl #1: If you're walking down a dark alley all alone, you have it coming to you. You should know better. It's totally your own fault.
--42nd & 6th
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
Diseased Vengeance Sex Is the Best
Girl: I'm so pissed at him... I'm gonna wait until my herpes show up and have sex with him.
Friend: Yeah, good idea. Do it.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Rebecca
Not a Good One, Though
Brooklyn guy: Cute kid you got there. How old is he?
Short-haired mom: She is 20 months.
Brooklyn guy: Oh, 'she.' Sorry, I didn't realize...
Short-haired mom: That's because gender is performance.
Brooklyn guy: [Sips coffee.]
--Vox Pop, Cortelyou Rd
Overheard by: the nearby barista
Although We All Start Out That Way
Biotech #1: He hired this blonde girl from Chicago... with pageant hair!
Biotech #2: Ew. Pageant hair? Hello, this is New York City. We aren't blonde, and we aren't perky!
--6 train
The Only Loophole Is Debilitating Disease
Brunette: Tyra Banks isn't fat, she just isn't anorexic like other supermodels.
Blonde: If you're not anorexic, you're fat.
Hobo: Amen to that, sister!
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: Charlie
Really? Who?
White teen: You've got a fat ass.
Black teen: Well, your ass has a stupid, scrawny bitch stuck to it.
--Times Square
Call Me Ishmael
Girl #1: Every time we go out she's all like, 'I need a boyfriend sooo bad!' And all she does is bitch about how she doesn't have a boyfriend. Well, it's like, 'Of course you don't have a boyfriend -- maybe if your blubber didn't hang down over your jeans some guy would want you.' No guy wants to mount a beached whale... Well, unless they're into that kind of thing...
Girl #2: I know the perfect guy.
Girl #1: I bet he's real hot.
--Columbia University
All Part of the Service, Ma'am
PMS-y woman: I can't believe you're out of the mac and cheese!
Employee: I'm sorry, ma'am. Can I get you something else?
PMS-y woman: Why do you hate me?
--Hale & Hearty, 49th St
Overheard by: wanted the mac & cheese too
Melinda Experiences Multi-Level Embarrassment
Guy: I have a confession to make.
Girl: Can't you make it to me after the movie?
Guy: I can't help it, but I took a picture of your butthole last night while you were dozing.
Girl: You what?!
Obese lady in front row: Would you queers shut the fuck up?! I'm trying to watch this shit!
--AMC Theater, 42nd St
Overheard by: Scott
When You're Here, You're Dysfunctional Family
Blonde looking in compact: I need a new nose.
Boyfriend: I need a new apartment.
Blonde, whiny: It's always your needs! What about mine?!
Boyfriend: You just spent five thousand dollars on your fucking tits with my money!
Server waiting to take order: I'll come back when you two are ready...
--Olive Garden, Chelsea
But They'd Be Perfect for You
Chick #1: Have you ever broken your phone?
Chick #2: No, I think the worst I've ever broken is my finger.
Chick #1: [Pause] But, I mean, now I don't have any of my numbers.
Chick #2: Oh my god! I thought you meant... Oh, wow. Well, why didn't you just tell me you broke your phone? I have, like, four.
Chick #1: Four?
Chick #2: Well, they weren't nice. I didn't feel like they were reliable.
--L train
Since the Dutch, Really
Girl to man who held door for her: Thank you.
Man: I love you.
Girl to friend: Nobody in New York has any respect anymore.
--Barnes & Noble, 82nd St
Overheard by: Elise C-K
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Metrosexual
Professor: Where is the line between what is homosexual and what is not? Is a circle jerk not gay? Oh, god. I'm sorry to anyone who doesn't know what that is.
--NYU
Girl: It makes you look gay, and I don't mean good gay.
--The Gap, 17th St & 5th Ave
Flamboyant man on cell: I got you the one that had an 'L.V.' on it... How am I supposed to know what that means? I'm not that kind of gay!
--Grand St & Broadway
Overheard by: callmedrpalmer
TA: We can talk about boy sex, but we can't talk about homosexuality.
--Classroom, NYU
Queer: Wait, how did you end up the gayest? Because I started out the gayest!
--Time Square
Overheard by: Tourist Who Blends
Bimbette: No, Jesus was gay. That's the only solution.
--4 train
Overheard by: solution to what?
Probably Best to Have Your Coffee at Work
Chick #1: What were you doing and why were you walking so hard?
Chick #2: The elevator man kept going up and down and missed my stop, and I really had to pee, so I had to rush to this floor and use the bathroom. I've been holding it since Brooklyn, and I peed on myself a little. My pants are wet.
Chick #3: What?!
Chick #1 starts laughing hysterically.
Chick #2 stomps away, screaming: I hate you!
Chick #1: I'm not laughing at you! I'm not laughing at you!
--57th & Broadway
Overheard by: Bdizzle
I'm a Delicate Flower! A Delicate Fucking Flower, Asshole!
Loud girl: Get the fuck up.
Bewildered man: Huh?
Loud girl: You heard me, get the fuck up! Don't you see that I'm a lady? Give me your damn seat, motherfucker! I'm a fucking lady. You're supposed to give me your seat.
Bewildered man: Fuck you, bitch!
--Q10 bus, Queens
Overheard by: SarahJ
You Really Need More Straight Friends
Fat girl: Is it here? You know -- that bitch.
Friend: No, I don't see her. You know she says nice things about you, right?
Fat girl: Well, you can tell her to suck my big fat cock.
--Outside Bronx High School of Science
Where It's Part of the Public School Curriculum
20-something chick #1: ... So was she, like, dating that married guy?
20-something chick #2: No! Man, you can't date a married guy, he's married! You can only fuck a married guy.
Lady with kids: Do you mind?!
20-something chick #2: If you don't want your kids to hear about fucking married men, then don't raise them in New York!
--34th & Madison
Overheard by: I hate kids too...
What They Don't Love: Heat and Dignity
Girl: Did you just litter?
Friend who just dropped Starbucks cup: Yeah, but it's okay. The homeless love to clean up trash. They get money for it.
--7th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: JB
Remember When He Threw Marco Polo to the Rancor?
Girl: Look at that guy! He's gross -- he looks like Attila the Hun.
Guy: What? He doesn't even look Asian.
Girl: Look how fat he is! He's waddling around just like Attila!
Guy: Tell me you don't mean Jabba the Hutt.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Paul
Okay, Now We Know Why You're Still Single
Chick #1: She got really upset with me for telling him that she got her wedding dress online.
Chick #2: Oh, I kind of understand that--
Chick #3, furiously: --What?! She can take his dick in her mouth, but she can't tell him she got her wedding dress online?! She can put her face in his ass and not tell him she got her fucking dress online?!
--Pizza place near 5th Ave & DeGraw, Park Slope
An Attorney? Contribute to Society?
Hobo to girl with two bags and seven textbooks: Damn, girl, where you goin' wid all dem books? You rob a Barnes and Noble or somethin'? You tryin'a sell your shit, too? Yeah, you know how it is...
Girl: No, I've actually spent the last 18 hours in the library studying for my law school exams so I can become an attorney and contribute to society. But I'm sure you know all about that.
Hobo: Yeah, law school ain't work out for me, neither. How much you sellin' that New York Peen... Penal... Oh, shit! You learn about dicks and clits and shit in law school?!
--Church St, TriBeCa
And by That I Mean 'Painfully Straight'
Girl #1: He was just the most amazing guy -- he said the most amazing things to me. I just wanted to run away with him.
Girl #2: That's gay.
--Barnard College
Help Me, Sidney Poitier! You're My Only Hope!
White chick: They'll believe you raped me when I was drunk!
Black guy: Baby, don't play that game with me.
White chick: Why not? I can -- you're black!
Black guy: Aw, shit!
--29th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Scott
Is That How That Works?
Woman: Why are you sitting on my lap?
Chick squeezing into a seat: I'm just sitting down.
Woman: You must be a lesbian, sitting on my lap.
Chick: I ain't no lesbian! I ain't got no dick!
--Q train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rich Weksberg
Paris: But, Nicole, You're Black
Rich chick: So now he's telling me we need a kid. I don't want one, but he says we can adopt and avoid all the messy stuff.
Friend: So are you going to?
Rich chick: I said I'd consider it if we can get one that's actually white. You know. 'Cause you never really know what they're giving you.
Friend: That's so true.
--Macy's
Act One: Dorothy Meets the Witch
NYU chick #1: How do we get there?
NYU chick #2: The yellow line!
WASP lady screaming: There's no yellow line! There are numbers and letters, no colors!
NYU chick #1: God! What a bitch!
WASP lady: Damn straight I'm a bitch! Get the fuck out of town!
--Union Square
Overheard by: um, I agree
When Was It Ever about Deserving?
Guy #1: I bought Xbox to play Spiderman 2.
Guy #2: I bought it to play Knights of the Old Republic.
Guy #3: I bought PlayStation One to play Final Fantasy Seven.
Chick: You're all losers who don't deserve girlfriends.
--Office, 47th & 6th
Overheard by: Joe
Starting with Yours
Chick #1: And they smoked pot like crazy!
Little kid: What's pot?
Chick #2: Who the hell is talking to you? Go fuck yourself.
Kid runs away crying.
Chick #1: Kids today are terrible. Parents need to start beating their kids again.
Chick #2: Word.
--Tompkins Square Park Playground
'Win Us Over With Money!' We'd Say
Lady at register: My great-grandmother had nine strokes and still lived to be 98 years old.
Barista: Wow, nine strokes?!
Lady at register: Yeah, I think she was doing it on purpose. You know, to get attention.
--Starbucks, Broadway
But Don't Tell Her I Said That
White girl: I don't get that girl. I just don't like her.
Black boyfriend: Why?
White girl: Because if I don't like someone, I tell them. Straight at their face, I'm like, 'I don't like you.' But she be talking behind people's backs and shit. It's not cool, yo.
Black boyfriend: Yeah.
White girl: And she thinks she's ghetto, but she's not. We ghetto -- she's not.
--Uptown C platform, 34th St
Oh Wait, That's Just Steven Tyler -- Hi, Steven!
Biotech #1: I hate her, she's so ugly.
Biotech #2: She's a drag queen.
--Trump Atrium Party, 5th Ave between 56th & 57th
Overheard by: Tim
I Can't Wait Not to Have One of My Own
Chick #1: Dude, everyone's popping out babies these days. JLo, TomKat, Britney. It's like they're the new fucking accessory.
Chick #2: Yeah, who wants a fucking baby anyway? You just turn into a fatass with stretch marks and saggy tits with a screaming infant who no one wants to be around.
Very pregnant passenger: I'm due in two weeks.
Chick #1: Aww! Is it a boy or a girl?
--F train
How Did You Get Past the Doorman?
Club dude: Yeah, but I don't understand why she won't talk to me.
Club dudette: Because she's attractive and you're ugly.
Club dude: Oh, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
--Meatpacking district
Overheard by: Harrison
No Thanks, I Was a Bitch at the Office
Hobo: Spare some change?
Woman: Sorry, I don't like homeless people.
--96th St & Broadway
Tourist: At Last I'm out of That Bitch's Hair!
Woman: Oh, would you like to get by?
Japanese tourist: Yes, thank you.
Woman: You're very welcome...[to friend] Got that bitch outta my hair.
--Century 21
My Babies Will Be Ugly on the Inside, Just Like Their Mother
Teen #1: No, like, I feel BAD for ugly babies. It's not their fault.
Teen #2: I mean, it's like, oh my God, your little girl is so cute... what, it's a boy? Oh my God, I am so sorry.
Teen #3: People always thought I was a boy when I was little. It was, like, so weird. Because I was obviously really cute, and I... I still am. Right, ladies?
Teen #1: Um, can you hand me a paper towel?
Teen #2: I have a headache. Ugh. Damn morning-after pill. No ugly babies for me!
--TGI Friday's, 59th & Lex
Overheard by: not admitting she was in a T.G.I.Fridays
And Start Smelling Me, So I Don't Have to Shower Later
Woman: You shouldn't smell all of those. It's not nice to the people that will buy them. Besides, you're not even buying one.
Girl: What makes you think I'm not buying one?
Woman: It's just not nice for you to smell them, is all I'm saying.
Girl: What, I'm going to use up all the smell? Just stop talking to me.
--Candle section, Kmart, Penn Station
Overheard by: kier
The New Yorkers Waited With Bated Breath, Hoping Secession Was in the Works
Woman: Oh, this is great. We got on a nonstop train to Trenton. Just what I fuckin' need in my life right now. It's OK, we'll just go see our nation's capital.
Random man: Our nation's capital?
Woman: You know I meant state. I don't need comments from the fuckin' peanut gallery. I went to high school. I graduated with fuckin' honors.
--NJ Transit train, Penn Station
Overheard by: Another fuckin' honor student
And Apparently, She Kisses Her Kids with That Mouth
Mother: Bitches, get your asses over here!
Son #1: There's no seats.
Mother: There's one right here next to me.
Son #2: I wanna sit next to him.
Mother: I said, motherfuckers, get your asses over here. I don't want to sit by myself.
Son #1: There's nowhere to sit!
Mother: I said, get over here. I don't want to sit by myself. I don't know no one over here!
Older woman: Don't no one make friends with her.
--A train
Overheard by: Rehey
Yeah? Welcome to the Outside of My Bus.
Lady: Why didn't you stop the bus for me on the other side?
Bus driver: Ma'am, I'm not allowed to open those doors at a non-designated stop.
Lady: Good Lord Jesus Christ, I am not your enemy. Who are you? The Terminator?
Bus driver: Stop being so hostile!
Lady: You're the one being hospitable! Ooo, you are soo hospitable!
--M15 bus
Jenny Craig's Aversion Therapy Technique Was a Hit With Youngsters
Little girl #1: Hey, Sarah, want a cookie?
Little girl #2: Yeah.
Little girl #1: Well, me too. Now get over it!
--E train
Wednesday One-Liners Know It's Better to Look Good Than to Feel Good
Girl: I want a Marc Jacobs bag, and I don't care if it's made of baby cow!
--Outside the Met
Overheard by: wants baby cow bag, too
Guy, explaining his pants: Yeah, they look gay, but they make my junk look huge.
--Midtown
Man picking up trash to woman picking up trash: How you gonna make ten dollars an hour and have people making minimum wage looking better than you?
--Madison Sq Park
Shopaholic: I know! One time I thought there was more to life than that. But then I went back to Bloomingdale's.
--59th & Madison
Overheard by: DM Cook
Teenage girl on phone: So where are you?...So,what happened?...Not to your shoe! In the hospital!
--Central Park
Overheard by: concerned trespasser
Cougar-in-Training, looking at non-trendy partygoers: Clearly they don't belong here.
--Rooftop party, the SoHo House
...He Squeaked, as he Wiped Off His Chin
Girl #1: Everyone always criticizes my choice in men. I get so sick of it; there's nothing wrong with Tom.
Girl #2: He looks like Hitler, he drools, he's always whining and making high-pitched noises, and everyone keeps putting him down, and he never even stands up for himself.
Girl #1: He may be a total loser and a freak but he still has some redeeming qualities. Plus if I didn't date him no one else would.
Tom: Thanks.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Upstate Gambler
But Then What Will He Use as a Toilet?
Hobo: Can you spare some change for the homeless?
Drunk girl: Yeah, right. Sell that backpack first.
--4th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andrew Schulte
In Los Angeles, They Would Both Be Executed
Unattractive girl #1: She was so ugly. I mean like Staten Island ugly.
Unattractive girl #2: I think those people are around to balance out the ridiculously attractive people in Manhattan.
--Uptown 1st Ave bus
Overheard by: amf
Great Place, Steve! Wow, Is That All Just One Big Oven?
Woman: You know how the Germans continue to punish the Jews? They date them.
--6th St & 2nd Ave
Inner Peace Isn't All It's Cracked Up to Be
Woman #1: Ma'am, could you please move your bag so I could sit down?
Woman #2: No, can't you see I'm busy, bitch? And I'm not movin this fuckin' thing. It's heavy and I don't want to pick it up again! Sit somewhere else.
She goes back to reading Jesus and Mary: The Key to Divine Love and Inner Peace.
--149th St station downtown platform
Those Celebrity Perfumes Should Come with a Warning
Girl #1: So have you heard about all these alligators in Florida that have been eating women?
Girl #2: No
Girl #1: Yeah, like three women got eaten last week
Girl #2: That's hilarious.
Girl #1: I know.
--F train between Jay & Bergen
Wednesday One-liners Tip the Scales
Chick: So then this huge fat lady with really bad teeth said, "This is the most fabulous party I've ever been to," so I left.
--1st Avenue & 9th Street
Overheard by: Rex Danger
In Other Words, Limbo
Woman: Move in, motherfuckers, move in!
Yuppie guy: Wait for the next one, this is too packed.
Woman: Bitch, I have to be on this train!
Yuppie guy: This isn't the train to heaven, you know. It's, like, going to Queens.
--F train
Overheard by: Nickicaps
We've Found Her Running Mate
Bike guy: Hey girl, I really like your red hair
Chick: Yeah, me too. That's why I dye it. But I don't like it nearly as much as I like not being interrupted when I am tryng to talk to someone.
--St. Marks & 3rd
Overheard by: ~dana
That Explains the Tusks
Store woman: It's so cold in here.
Store man: It's really not so bad.
Store woman: Well, not all of us have a protective layer of blubber to keep us warm in the winter.
--Starbucks, 60th & Broadway
"The wedding is off?"
Girl #1: Can you believe her? It drives me nuts!
Girl #2: Do you remember back when you were 17? You were just as bad.
Girl #1: No, I wasn't. I didn't walk around saying I was that hot. I may have been bad about other things, but I didn't say I was God's gift to everyone.
Girl #2: You were the most conceited person I knew.
Girl #1: Was not. And what the fuck do you have to bring that up and throw it in my face for? God...Forget it, I am not helping you with your Green Card.
--Queens Center Mall
That Was Fast
Girl #1: Wow, your outfits are so cool.
Girl #2: Thanks!
Girl #1: Do you have any more glow bracelets?
Girl #2: Yeah, a lot
Girl #1: Can I have one?
Girl #2: No.
Girl #1: Oh...So before when I said your outfits were cool: I was totally lying.
--Joshua Tree ladies' room, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: e jack
What's Your Resolution, New York?
Girl #1: Remember when we would go out, make up stories and fake names?
Girl #2: Yeah, that was fun.
Girl #1: We really need to lie more.
--6 train
Human Beings Do ("Restaurants"?)
McGuy: Hey, hey, watch your step!
Woman #1: ...Hey, that guy just told you not to step in that.
Woman #2: Oops! Oh, but who pays attention to Mexicans in restaurants?
--McDonalds, Manhattan Mall
That Would Be the Queen of Clubs
Queer: Excuse me, ma'am?
Chick: Yes?
Queer: Um, girl, it's time for some new Uggs. I felt it was my gift to society to tell you.
Chick: Dude, put your fag card down and start worrying about something else.
--Spring & Mercer
Wednesday One-liners Witchy Women
Chick: I can't apologize for being a bitch...because, like, then I wouldn't be a bitch.
--23rd & Lexington
Sounds Like They Should Be Stand-ups
Promoter guy: Do you guys like comedy?
Girl #1: We hate laughter.
Girl #2: Sunshine and happiness too.
--Union Square
Incomplete Wednesday One-liners
Woman: I mean, I don't want to break up with him, but I just don't think I can date an amputee.
--Hungarian Pastry Shop, Amsterdam Avenue
Overheard by: Jeff Julian
I'm Thankful for My Friends
Girl #1: Is your sweater cashmere?
Girl #2: Yeah. Well, cashmere blend.
Girl #1: Blend? That doesn't count. God, you're such a bitch.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram
It's An Epidemic of Carries Bradshaw
Chick #1: Excuse me, ma'am, but would you mind moving your bag so that my son and I could sit next to each other?
Chick #2: Honestly? I just don't feel like going through the motions right now.
--6 train
Overheard by: Anne O.
Following the Commandments is What's "Cool"!
Teen girl #1: You ever watched My Super Sweet 16?
Teen girl #2: Yeah. Don't you just hate those snobby rude girls?
Teen girl #1: No, it's kinda cool how they can be rude to their parents and get away with it.
--Bx12 bus
Ladies, Fabulous People Don't Need Roommates
Girl #1: Dude, that apartment was so ridiculousy small. No fat people would be able to walk in our hallway.
Girl #2: Like we're friends with anyone who's fat.
--6th & Houston
What About People Who Misuse "Subtlety"?
Woman: Wow, your face is really red! What happened, sunburn?
Cashier girl: No...allergic reaction.
Woman: Ooh...what are you allergic to?
Cashier girl: Rude, obnoxious and tactless customers.
Woman: Oh, so you get a lot of those, hmm?
Cashier girl: Ugh...Oh yeah, I forgot, and stupid ones that don't get subtlety, either.
--Stop & Shop, Long Island City
Overheard by: mshorty
The Correct Term is "Nurse"
Doctor guy: What brings you here today?
Woman: You're not wearing ID. Are you a doctor?
Doctor guy: Oh, I'm sorry, I left it at the computer.
He goes to get it.
Man: What didja do that for?
Woman: How do you know he's really a doctor? He could be a homosexual.
--Coney Island Hospital
Overheard by: Iris Kalashnikova
Wednesday One-liners Buy Heeb Magazine
Girl on cell: Listen, listen. What I'm saying is, why can't we just try to find a way to keep all of the Jews and the non-Jews from like, marrying? Or even interacting?
--Washington Square Park
That Means They're Both the Evil One
Woman #1: Oh, look over there... that is just tragic.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: Ugly twins.
--15th & 5th
Overheard by: Manhattman
That Something Being Consumptive TB
Hobo: Sorry miss, can you spare any change? I haven't eaten all day.
Girl #1: ...Oh I so hate it when they ask me for money. I mean, like I work all week and then I'll just give away my money?
Girl #2: Yeah, I know, it's crazy. I once told one of them, "Hey, do you have any idea how much NYU costs? I had to take loans!" But he didn't even care! He just kept on coughing to pretend he couldn't hear me or something.
--L train
Then the NFL is Full of Some Fugly Ass Women
Girl #1: Is that lady wearing tights, or is she just really pale?
Girl #2: Well, this is just a guess, but most men don't wear tights.
--Roosevelt Island tram
Overheard by: Julia Kite
She Works Magic with That Trunk--in the Kitchen
Magyar lady #1: See that woman over there? Why does a woman that big come out of the house?
Magyar lady #2: And that floral dress? She looks like an elephant!
Magyar lady #1: Oh look, the elephant is walking past again.
Magyar lady #2: Why don't any of the elephant's friends tell her how bad she looks?
Guy on next bench: If you ladies will excuse me, I'm off to go join my wife, the elephant.
Translated from the Hungarian.
--Fort Tryon Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Peter Jennings: Reporter, Newsanchor, Trendsetter
Girl: So I heard that Tom Brokaw is going to be doing a lecture here in December.
Guy: Well, if he doesn't die first.
--Bursar's Office, City College
Wednesday One-liners Are Questioning
Chick: If you don't want to look like a lesbian at the party, make sure you stay a little drunk the whole time.
--57th & 5th
Overheard by: Annie
I Guess Autistic Means Speaking in Dolphin
Girl: You're so autistic.
Guy: What? Do you mean artistic?
Girl: No, I mean autistic. Like Marlee Matlin.
--Washington Square Park
The Post Office Does Manage to Disappear Packages
Woman #1: Excuse me, could you hold my place in line?
Woman #2: What do I look like, a magician?
--Post Office, Sunnyside
He Might As Well Mug You Too, Biotech
Teen boy: Yo, I'm here selling candy today. And, no, it's not what you think. It's not for no school club or no fundraiser. I'm here selling you candy so that I can stay off the streets and make some money. It keeps me honest.
Woman: Why wouldn't you lie and say it was for school?
--A train
Overheard by: Keith Layton
Somewhere, A Sardine is Turning Green with Envy
Two tween girls push into a very crowded train, causing a woman to almost lose her footing.
Woman: You can't just push if there's nowhere to go!
The doors start to close.
Tween girl: Obviously I could.
--6 train
Overheard by: Francesca
You've Come a Long Way, Biotech
Woman #1: You blew that smoke right in my face!
Woman #2: I don't control the wind, bitch!
--46th & Vanderbilt
Overheard by: whirlygurly
Congrats, You're Not Even as Classy as the SI Ferry
British bitch on cell: I'm surrounded by fucking morons who probably struggled through the NYC school system. We all know New Yorkers are the dumbest. They can't even read. They haven't had a Latin education and they probably can't even speak another language...I didn't want to get a limo to take to the fuckin' ghettos of Brooklyn. I didn't want to take a cab because these uneducated people don't understand directions. I didn't want to spend $30 and not get to the right place...Please make sure my car gets fixed. I've been reduced to the humiliation of taking public transportation. Now the second part of my fucking nightmare begins. I have to take the subway! I'm dressed like a commoner. I didn't want to wear a $5000 Chanel suit on a seat that hasn't been cleaned...She's letting us borrow her castle for our wedding. If they can't afford to be there, they obviously don't deserve to come.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Christine
Wednesday One-liners Are Dead
Girl: Oh my gosh! You know what would be awesome? If lightning struck you, and you like got a permanent tan.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Glynnis
Woman: These invitations are really important! I mean, not only am I turning 40, but it's a year to the day that I almost died!
--Staples, Union Square
Little girl: Hey Mom, there are dead people here too!
--X1 bus
Irish guy: Oh, what people don't realize is that the Indians are
everywhere. They're sprinkled around everywhere.
--First Prince Copy Center, Prince Street
He Celebrates Boxing Day
Two NYU girls are walking downtown and one trips and falls on the street.
Hobo: Did you have a nice trip? I'll see you next fall!
NYU Girl: Hey...where's your home?
--Water & Fulton
Girls, Enough with the Foreplay Already
Guy: You are every guy's worst nightmare, you fuck with their heads!
Girl: Hey, I'm not fucking with anyone's head! And it's called mental foreplay anyway.
--Broadway & 11th
I Hear Massachusetts Wedding Bells!
Dude: Hey, watch it! Hey!
Old guy: What?
Dude: That's very rude.
Old guy: I said "excuse me".
Dude: Well I didn't hear it.
Old guy: Well maybe you should listen next time.
Dude: Well maybe you should kiss my ass, fag.
Old guy: Fuck off and die.
--Borders men's room, 32nd & 2nd
Wait Until You See Them Drunk
Girl #1: Look at those characters over there.
Girl #2: They're Hasidic Jews.
--A train
Overheard by: ham
A Daily NYC Scene (Telemundo Edition)
White girl: Excuse me...excuse me...Can I please get the fuck by?
Hispanic guy: You don't have to push, bitch!
White girl: Well, if you would stop with all that Mira! Mira! Mira! shit and stop looking and start listening maybe you wouldn't get yelled at like a dumbass!
--A train, 125th Street station
Overheard by: Dixie Mae
Newsflash: They Don't Have Books
Teenage girl: Biggie, 50-Cent, Jadakiss, Usher, you're always writing all over your shit. I don't see them writing "Phil" all over their books.
--Wadleigh High, W. 114th Street
Chick #1: Who the fuck reads books. I mean, books?
Chick #2: I read books, bitch!
--86th & Broadway
Fighting Communism was Funnier than Fighting Terrorism
A Russian lady mutters to herself: I want to be at the front of the line so I can pick my seat, I'm not sitting by some fat, smelly person.
She tries to cut to the front of the line, unsuccessfully.
Russian lady: I was here the whole time! I was standing right next to this lady!
This lady: No, she wasn't.
Conductor: You better get to the back of the line, ma'am.
Russian lady: But I was here the whole time! Where's your manager? I want to talk to the manager!
Conductor: Please step to the back of the line, you've gotta wait in line like everyone else.
Russian lady: I know what your problem is! I bet you don't like white people!
Everyone else in line burst out laughing, and she was escorted away by security.
--Port Authority
Woman: Well, at least the Mexicans are friendly and they're always working. Unlike those goddamn Russians! You know what I mean!
--Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
How Not to Hook Up in NYC
Chick: I don't get Spanish guys. They compliment you every time you pass them. They always say things like, "You have beautiful legs, in my country it is an honor for a woman to be told she has beautiful legs". Well, you're in NY now, honey, and I'm a bitch!
--5th Ave. & 82nd St.
Player: Excuse me miss, you're even better looking than J. Lo. Can I have your autograph?
--Fulton Street mall
Hobo: Hey, you a pretty lady. You married?...I got food stamps!
--Astoria
Overheard by: mj
Let Me Guess: "Great Personality"
Girl #1: She always has this miserable look about her.
Girl #2: Dude, that's just her face.
Girl #1: Ew.
--Lincoln Center
Two Kinds of Frigid
Girl #1: God, it's really snowing out. I hope I make it home in one piece.
Girl #2: Is that you're way of saying you'd like to sleepover?
Girl #1: No, that's my way of saying I'd rather risk death than stay here with you.
--44th & 2nd
Saccharine Might Be Better for Her
Woman in leggings: What the fuck is this shit? You gonna hand me three motherfucking sugar packets? Do you have any idea how big this coffee is?
Cashier: We don't put sugar in your coffee. Sugar packets are on the counter.
Woman in leggings: Listen, my boyfriend's a cop. And he owns, like, three Dunkin' Donuts franchises. What do you mean you won't put sugar in my fuckin' coffee? I want to speak to the manager.
Manager: Excuse me, but I heard you. There are sugar packets on the counter. Take as many as you like.
Woman in leggings: You guys are total assholes.
--Dunkin' Donuts, 96th & Broadway
Overheard by: ProcrastYNate
More Like Making Babies
Two women are waiting for the bathroom.
Woman #1: They've been 20 minutes in there, all you need to do is rip down your underwear and you're done, it's not difficult!
Woman #2: Yeah, are they, like, having babies in there?
--Barnes & Noble, 5th Avenue
How to Do Laundry, NYC Edition
Woman: Excuse me. I have to put something in my dryer.
Girl folding clothes: Oh, okay.
Woman: Excuse me! I have to put something else in my dryer.
Girl: O-kay...
Woman: Now I have to take something out of my dryer...unbelievable.
Girl: Wow, you're a case!
Woman: I'm a what?!
Girl: A case. I've never seen anybody so worked up over laundry.
Woman: Well, you haven't lived very long, have you?
Girl: Not as long as you!...Have a nice day!
Woman: Fuck you!
--York Launderette, York Avenue and E. 82nd
"...if you're a tanbot, that's another story."
Bronzing Blonde: So this guy was like "I can't tan in that bed, I'll burn," so I said, "Um, your last name is Garcia, you shouldn't burn that easily."
Bronzing Brunette: Seriously? I mean just because your last name is Garcia doesn't mean it's okay to be stupid.
--Tanning salon, 7th Avenue between 38th & 39th
"Because it's big in width, not length."
A punk guy whispers in some chick's ear. She retorts with: Oh yeah? Well, if it's so big why don't you bend it backwards, sit on it, and fuck yourself?
--Manitoba's, Ave. B
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
I'd Like to Take You Up on Some Space Invading
Naked woman #1: Why are you staring at me?
Naked woman #2: I'm not staring. It's a public place, I'm not invading your space.
Naked woman #1: I don't care if you invade my space, I just don't want to be sucking on your nanas.
--Locker room, NYSC, Midtown
"...hold on, I've got the kettle on the other line."
Bitch on cell: You know what my number one pet peeve is? Intolerence!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
The NYC Subway Finishing School for Girls
Ghetto chick: She went by and shoved me and was like "Ex-cuse me!", but not like "excuse me", you know? So she had this long hair? Well, I grabbed her by the hair, flung her down the stairs, and started kicking her ass. I'll fight anybody.
--D train
It's Not Like I Talked About Her Behind Her Back...Before
Hipster Chick: So she's the heiress to like--what, K-mart or some shit?--and she can't afford to buy us all drinks? Fuck her!
--D Train
New Yorkers: Sticking Together
A cashier hands a girl her change.
Girl: Excuse me, but can you give me another 20 dollar bill? This one looks counterfeit.
The cashier takes the bill, examines it, and puts it back in the register. He gives her another bill.
Girl: Thanks. I just didn't want that one, you know? It didn't have the stripe down it. It looked too new. It just didn't look right. So don't give it to me; just give it to the guy behind me or something.
--Bagel Maven, 7th Avenue
Welcome to NY; Hurry the Hell Up
Woman: So I asked for a slice with mushrooms, and the girl's like 'Well, can you wait?', and I'm like 'This is New York! No, I can't wait!'
--Association of Graphic Communications, 7th Avenue
Have It? I AM It!
Lady: Do you have Real Simple?
Magazine Seller: What?
Lady: Real Simple? Do you have Real Simple magazine?
Magazine Seller: What?
Lady: Real Simple! Do you have Real Simple?!
--Magazine Stand, Herald Square
Overheard by: Rehey
No, We Really Don't
Chick: You know how you wanted to call him up and say it's not personal, you just want to be friends? Don't. They need to be told. They don't know that they're idiots.
--Our Place, 3rd Avenue
Tourists Tsouris
Chick: I get in the cab and in five seconds Billy's got his hands and nose pressed against the glass. And I'm like, stop that! That's not funny. They'll think we're fucking tourists. They'll take us like the longest fucking way from here. They think we're fucking tourists. You are not excited by the Brooklyn Bridge! Or the Statue of Liberty!
--Lafayette St.
Ironically, "Only in New York"
Princess: First I got on the wrong train--going uptown instead of downtown---and there was like (*sigh*) not a single pretty person on the train. Only in New York. I can't imagine being anywhere else in the world, getting on the train and not seeing a single attractive person!
--Union Square Station
Overheard by: Phil Rosenbloom
(Actually, Turtles Don't Age)
Chick #1: So did you call him?
Chick #2: Nah.
Chick #1: Why not?
Chick #2: He literally looks like an old turtle.
--D Train
Someone Please Punch Her
Bitch: Oh hi! We were just speaking very poorly about you!
--Art Gallery, SoHo
Overheard by: Tibbie X
Who Says No Classy People Ride the Bus?
Old lady (looking directly at Hispanic woman and her baby): They don't speak English and they don't wanna learn. They just want pay from America. They hate our guts.
[to baby]: Give your Mommy a kiss!
--B6 Bus, Brooklyn
