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The Subway Is No Place for a Room Full of Boners
Muscular balck guy enters holding his shirt, wearing only boxers.
Young white mother: How did you know it was going to rain?
Black guy: I didn't want my shirt to get wet, so I took it off.
Old hobo, panhandling: Man, you could give lap dances right here!
--R train
Overheard by: Emma
Can You Catch White?
Old black woman: Hey, you! That white woman left her purse! Take it and give it to her! What's wrong with you? The white woman sitting next to me left her purse here -- go after her and give it back!
Young guy: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Old black woman: The white woman! She left her purse! Give it back [throws purse at him and it falls to the floor. Young guy walks away shaking his head.] What's wrong with you people? Obviously you don't care!
--Port Authority bus terminal
Overheard by: bri b
Hardly. I Studied with the Bejing Opera
Black chick: What kind of soup do you got?
Chinese deli guy: Uhhh, we got some chicken noodle soup.
Black chick: Oh, just chicken noodle soup?
Chinese deli guy, singing and dancing: With a soda on the side! [Black chick glares at him in silence.] Uhhh, yeah, that's all.
Black chick: That's fuckin' ign'ant, man.
--106th & 2nd
Since When Is That "New" in the Bronx?
Black chick, hysterical: Hahaha, and what did the guy say -- hahaha -- when he fell from the building? Hahaha, what he say?
Black dude: Um... I don't know...
Black chick: Hahaha, he said, 'Ouch!' Hahaha, I'm so hyper!
Black dude: Yo, there's a new energy drink -- it's called crack.
--Hunter College, 8th floor balcony
Overheard by: Liza
Because That's the Only Way I Can Bring Her Off
Black girl, in smelly stairwell: Nigga, it smells like yo' mama's coochie up in this bitch!
Black guy: What the fuck you snortin' in my mom's cooch for?!
--Kingsborough Community College
Grits? Gross!
Black guy #1: I just realized this is a long-ass ride! It's like 15 minutes!
Black guy #2: Shut up, nigga.
Black guy #1: Is that your breath I smell? It smells like you ate roast beef with a side of shit... and grits.
--1 train
Overheard by: DC
NewsFlash: Men and Women Not As Different As Previously Assumed.
Black dude #1, eating ice cream: My priorities in life is my family... Ummm... Food... And, ummm... Pussy.
Black dude #2: Yeah, I love pussy!
Black dude #1: I know, man. Me, too. I'm addicted to it.
Black dude #2: I wish it tasted more like Häagen-Dazs.
Black dude #1: Word!
--Astor Pl
Overheard by: Stavros L
It Takes a D Train to Raise a Baby
Black teen girl #1, about screaming baby at other end of car: Yo, someone needs to tell that baby to hush up.
Black teen girl #2: Damn, I know, right? Yo, baby, shut the fuck up!
--Coney Island-bound D train
Although a Long Bubble Bath and a Cup of Earl Grey Are Quite Delightful as Well
Black guy: What the fuck is wrong with you? How are you not gonna like pussy?
Friend, with cornrows: 'Cause, fool! There's only one thing better, and that's money.
Black guy, concurring: The only thing.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Sleepy Monkey
Having Corrected This Simple Misunderstanding, They Easily Overcame All the Racial Strife in New York
Black girl #1: Yo, why's no one standin' wid us? They too good for us?
Black girl #2: It's 'cause we're black, yo.
--86th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: The White Girl Standing Next to Them
It Affects All Races in a Similar Fashion
Black girl: Girl, you tell a nigga you wanna give him pussy and it, like-- He go outrageous!
Friend: Mmm-hm.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: M-City
The Ghetto Will Never Get Over Learning the Word "Disrespectful" in the Early '90s
Young ghetto girl: Mister, will you get that bag out of my face? That bag is in my face!
Asian man: It's not in your face! It's far away. Far away.
Young ghetto girl: Man, you disrespectful. That's so disrespectful. I'll slap the shit out of you.
--A train
Overheard by: jcm
And You Can Suck My Indicative
Queer black man #1: I am stupid, dumb, and crazy.
Queer black man #2: Mmm-hm.
Queer black man #1: But I am not slow. I never was.
Queer black man #2: You never were.
Queer black man #1: I never was.
Queer black man #2: It's 'were. I never were.' I was an English major.
Queer black man #1: It's, 'I never was.' I went to school. You're speaking some sort of crazy... some crazy Ebonics language.
Queer black man #2: Bitch, you stupid, dumb, and crazy.
Queer black man #1: Mmm-hm, that's right.
--M10 bus, 110th & CPW
Overheard by: A former English minor, weeping.
It's the Lovingly Tended Poo-Crust That Makes It Squeak
Barbie girl: Ugh! This train smells like ass!
Angry black man: Speak fo' yo'self, bitch! My ass is squeaky clean!
--R train
And You Don't Wanna Be Ignorant All Your Life
Skinny black chick: If someone says some mo' fuckin' racist shit to me, I'ma punch them in the fuckin' face, yo, and give them somethin' to be racist about!
Fat black chick: I thought that shit was played out. Racism is ignorancy, yo.
--M train
Overheard by: ignorexia-ists
Republicans: Eeexcellent!
Black woman #1: Who you gonna vote fo' in this election?
Black woman #2, picking her fingernails: I dunno. I just fuckin' hate Bush. Anyone but him.
Black woman #1: I like Hillary. I think I'm gonna vote fo' Hillary.
Black woman #2: Yeah. I mean, Obama's cute, but I don't care -- he's a black man. My husband's a black man, and he don't do shit.
Black woman #1: Mmm, I know.
--D train
They're Like, 'Bitch, If I Didn't Smoke Crack, I Wouldn't Have Babies!'
Young black woman #1: I'm sick of people all up in my face during my job.
Young black woman #2: Yeah?
Young black woman #1: Yeah, people come up yelling, 'They took my babies away from me!' and I'm like, 'Well, maybe you should stop smoking the crack...'
--A train
Overheard by: Jesse
What's with All the Racist Dogs?
Black guy #1: Dude, humans got all sorts of unique smells and shit.
Black guy #2: Man, that's why dogs love white people.
--Marcus Garvey Park
... And Some Cornish Game Hens
Black guy: Let's go to the meat market and get some crystal meth.
Buddy: Aight.
--27th & 8th
Overheard by: Shmatty and Shammy
Why You Gotta Remain That Way All Your Life?
Afro: Shit, nigga, you never heard of Serendipity's?
Cornrows: Nah.
Afro: It's a motherfucking ice cream parlor.
Cornrows: Like what? Häagen-Dazs?
Afro: Nah, they charge you up the ass and you're surrounded by white people.
Cornrows: Like Häagen-Dazs?
Afro: Nah, it's classy. Fool, don't you know anything about class?
Cornrows: So it's like Häagen-Dazs.
Afro: Damn, you ignorant.
--84th & Amsterdam
What Does Being Farsighted Have to Do with Anything?
White guy, about pretty black chick passerby: Yo, why do black girls always look at you but not me?
Black guy: Same reason why you piss close to the urinal and I gotta stand a foot away.
--35th & 6th
Overheard by: Hispanic guy who stands 8 inches away
But Sir, Where Might Such a Thing Be Found?
Sketchy black guy: Awww, now that's a cute couple right there!
Boyfriend: Thanks.
Sketchy black guy: Now all y'all need is some weed!
--Washington Square Park
I Mean, He's Wearing Bermuda Shorts and Knee Socks!
Black guy, popping white friend's collar: Man, what'd I tell you about that?
White friend, putting it down: But I don't want to.
Girl: Leave him alone -- he ain't ready for that yet.
--NYU Kimmel Building
Dumbest and Dumber Still Opens to Mixed Reviews
Big black lady exiting movie: Yo, that shit was dumb.
Big black friend: Dumb shit.
Big black lady: For a second I thought it wasn't going to be dumb... But then it was.
Big black friend: Dumb, dumb, dumb shit.
Big black lady: Dumb!
Big black friend: Man, was that dumb.
Big black lady: Dumb.
--Loews, 34th St
Either That or a Nazi Jew
14-year-old black boy: Can we get off this block? I hate this block! I hate cops!
11-year-old black boy: Why?
14-year-old black boy: Because it's in black people's nature to hate cops.
11-year-old black boy, after long pause: So, you want to be a cop?
--123rd & 8th
Overheard by: Tanya
Headline by: kai
Runners-Up:
· "And Before the Session's Over Let's Talk About How You Hate Yo Momma 'cause She So Fat." - JohnnyB
· "Fuck It. You Wanna Play Robbers and Robbers?" - La Libertad
· "If They Can Beat You, Join 'em" - Sim Etrias
· "Look What It Did for Ice T" - Otter
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Didn't We Warn You about That?
Friendly white guy to black couple: Where are you people from?
Black chick: What do you mean 'you people'?!
--Cafe Habana
Overheard by: Ari
I Just Wouldn't Talk to Her because She's Black
Black woman: Money for the homeless? [Blonde chicks walk by, ignoring her.] What? You think you're better than us? Fuckin' white bitches!
Blonde, as she and friends run away: Oh, please, like this is about race. I don't care if she's black or white -- I'm not giving her any fucking money to support her charity. Also known as a crack habit.
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: don't donate either
Her Name's Shannon, I Think?
White teen: Can I get you anything else, sir?
Black man, eating: I don't mean to sound racist, but can I get me some more of that white meat?
--All Souls Soup Kitchen
Overheard by: phia
It's the Garden of Fucking Eden
Black uptown guy: Look at the fruit and shit. We don't have fruit and shit like this uptown. Look at the mangoes. We never see mangoes that big uptown. [White lady walks by with ugly Pit Bull.]
Black uptown girl: Oh, look at the cute puppy! Hello, puppy, how ya doin'?
Black uptown guy: Look at the fucking fruit! We don't have shit like kiwis uptown. Damn, look at the peaches and plums. They're much bigger here!
--75th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rahni
Both Guys: Compared to You, Yeah
Black guy: Yo, are you white?
Hispanic guy: Um... Are you black?
--Bronx
Let's Sit Far, Far Apart
Black guy #1: Yes, well, we look alike because we're fraternal twins.
Black guy #2: Yeah, you didn't know we were brothers?
White guy: Everyone said you guys were brothers, but I figured they meant 'brothas' and not actual brothers.
Black guy #1: Oh... Okay. Hey, look, we're at Shea.
--LIRR, Shea Stadium
Recently-Divorced Men
Impatient, middle-aged Caribbean woman in bathroom line: There should be more women's rooms.
Equally impatient 20-ish woman: Yeah, I know... It's because men designed these buildings.
--JFK
Overheard by: Nina
Women Don't Care How They Look to Men
Black guy: Why would a young black girl dye her hair blonde? Looks terrible, y'know.
Whitey: Um, yeah. Bad idea.
Black guy: Bitch looked like a burnt grilled cheese sandwich.
--One Penn Plaza
Do They Evince Discriminatory Animus against Persons of Color?
Schoolboy in uniform, passing two cops: Run, Alisha! It's the po-po! Run!
Schoolgirl: What?
Schoolboy: We're black! Run!
--14th & 8th station
Overheard by: warrfree
Well You Didn't Want to See Dumb and Dumber
Black teen #1: Yo, let's go see Blood Diamond.
Black teen #2, with African accent: No, I told you -- I don't want to see that.
Black teen #1: What are you talkin' 'bout, don't wanna see it? Nigga, you're in it!
--Loews, Lincoln Center
Black on Black Bureaucracy
Angry black lady: That asshole conductor said there is another train coming but did not say when! I need to get to Brooklyn!
Black conductor, trying to calm her down: Why are you screaming at me? I'm just as black as you are!
--2/3 platform, 34th St
Overheard by: Michmeister
Shouldn't It Be in Shackles?
Black girl: Hey, mister, can we pet your dog?
Tough guy with groomed white poodle on leash: Sure.
Black girl to friend: See, that's what a poodle looks like when a white man owns it.
--10th & Christopher
How Many?
Black girl #1: I feel like getting laid.
Black girl #2: You and me, both.
Black girl #1: I think I'm into white guys tonight!
--4 train, Union Square
Overheard by: newyork2boston
White People: Oh Snap, Yo!
Black teen #1, after horror movie preview: Oh, snap, yo!
Black teen #2: Stop being black at the movies!
Black teen #1, in a high voice: Oh, that was totally cool!
--Regal Theater, 42nd St
Overheard by: Rachel
Or Rubber and Easily Stored?
Black teen #1: I got a new girlfriend.
Black teen #2: Is she nice and thick or big and nasty?
--J train
Black People: We Knew It!
Black guy: Ah, shit, it's starting to rain.
White passerby: Let's make it rain on these niggas.
--Hudson & Spring
Overheard by: Jake Perlman-Garr
See You in Ten Years
Ghetto teen #1: He got like a 3.8 or somethin', and nigga cried.
Ghetto teen #2, to black girl squealing with laughter: You think it's funny, bitch?
--A train, 168th St
That's It -- I'm Getting a Bigger Monitor!
Ghetto queer, mocking ghetto chick: 'It's been so nice seeing you again...'
Ghetto chick: You know, I've been friends with him for so long, but something about seeing him today was just so... different. I guess maybe his essence was just too big for a MySpace page.
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Has been waiting for this.
In Fact, I Strongly Suspect We're an Invention of the Liberal Media
Black boy #1: Yo, how come there's only white people in these paintings?
Black boy #2: Mmm... Guess they were painted in 1750-something. They didn't have no brothers back then.
--The Met
We Don't Have to Make a Fuss about Our Origins
Black 12-year-old boy: Are you Japanese?
Asian 20-year-old guy: Ummm, no...
Black 12-year-old boy: Oh... Chinatownese?
Asian 20-year-old guy: What?
Black 12-year-old boy: Taiwa-- I mean, Taiwanese? Thailandonian?
Asian 20-year-old guy: No. I'm American.
--72nd St station
Overheard by: Dave Carpenter
By Extrapolation from Existing Data
Black postman #1: Kiss my black ass!
Black postman #2: How do you know that it's black?
--Forest Hills post office
He's Amost As Entertaining As He Is Naked
Urban gentleman: Yeah, you can buy the naked cowboy's picture in Times Square for, like, 25 dollars.
Urban lady: For real? Damn. He hot, though. He definitely waxing. In those briefs, nigga's gotta be gettin' a Brazilian.
Urban gentleman: Yeah, I ain't no homo or nothin', but how's he not get hard walkin' around in nothin' but briefs?
Urban lady: It's called 'entertainment.'
--6 train
Overheard by: Barry Negrin
I Was My Own Finest Creation
Black girl: Yo, white boy! Yo, white boy! [White guy ignores her, so she follows him.] White boy! Yo, white boy!
White guy: What?! How would you like it if I yelled, 'Hey, black girl! Hey, black girl!'?
Black girl: No! It's okay! I'm white -- I went to Pratt.
--Bed-Stuy
Though Currently They Are Firmly Restrained
Black girl #1: ... And you know white girls don't wear no panties!
Black girl #2: I don't wear panties either... I mean, I do when I go out, but when I'm at home my labias be swingin'.
--TGIFridays, 34th St
Overheard by: sad to say i was sitting near them
You Won't Be Laughing When the "Juicy" Diet Takes America by Storm
Drunk black woman #1: No, you gotta put cocoa butter on your legs and drink water. Water keeps your body juicy!
Drunk black woman #2: Jui-cy! Bam-bam!
Drunk black woman #1: That's right, water keeps you juicy... [Sees young Asian woman smiling at them] Oooh, she know what I'm talkin' about! She exotic... She an Asian girl.
Drunk black woman #2: Bam-bam!
Drunk black woman #1: Yeahhh... She know what I'm talkin' about... Oh, shit, it's our stop... Thank God, because I'm 'bout to squat down somewhere! [Both stagger off train.]
--1 train
Overheard by: amused
Only the Pod People Remain 'til the End of the Line
Black kid #1: Are you getting off at the next stop, son?
Black kid #2: No, man, this train goes all the way to Harlem. Everyone else gets off at 34th, 42nd... By the time we get up to 96th, it's me, a crackhead, and a midget.
--3 train
We Probably Shouldn't Depend on White Superheroes
Black guy: Yeah, Superman -- he hangs out around 42nd Street. He might go uptown every once in a while, but you never see his ass in Brooklyn. That's ridiculous -- Superman can not be killed by bullets, and he still won't come to Brooklyn.
Black lady: You're right. What about Batman?
Black guy: Oh, he probably has to come through Brooklyn -- you know, that brother lives out on Long Island.
Black lady: He probably comes through Brooklyn, but you know he's not getting out of that Batmobile.
Black guy: I'm sure he's damn careful when he stops, too. Those are some ballin' rims he's got on that whip. If he ever parked, them shits would definitely get stolen!
--3 train
Overheard by: Chris
An Aunt Who Visits You Once a Month
Ghetto kid: Real gangstas get it down on the flo', on the flo'.
Nerdy kid: What's a flo'?
--Info Tech High
Overheard by: mary alice v.
Hocking Your Bronzed Baby Booties Doesn't Count
Homie #1: Fuck you, nigga! You ain't hustlin'!
Homie #2: No, fuck you! My shit is tight!
Homie #1: I'm still spendin' money from '93, nigga!
Homie #2: I'm still spendin' money from '88, nigga!
--119th & 7th
Overheard by: yvahn
Jesus Plays the Race Card
Black guy: Here, this is for you, man, 'cause you look like Jesus.
Homeless guy: I thought Jesus was black!
Black guy, coming back: For that, my man, you get a dollar.
--55th & Broadway
Overheard by: Tony Jones
We'll Change It Once White People Start Saying It
Kid: Mom, where you at?
Mom: I'm right here, baby, and it's not where you at, it's where you is.
--Crowded store
Overheard by: spamandvikings
At Least She's Reading
Ghetto chick: Excuse me! Excuse me! What's the name of the towers that got knocked down?
Incredulous passerby: Umm . . . The World Trade Center.
Ghetto chick to thug boyfriend: See! I told you it wasn't none of that twin towers. You thinking of Lord of the Rings.
--Vesey St
And If Anybody Else Wants It
Chick: What the hell you doin' goin' around hittin' on other women?
Boyfriend: It ain't like that! It ain't like that!
Chick: What's the matter witchoo?! [Slaps him.]
Boyfriend: I just want to know if I still got it!
--Meatpacking District
Really? Is My Face Red!
White chick to black chick: That's a cute bag. It would be, if it were real.
Black chick: Bitch, it ain't fake, it's stolen!
--14th & 8th
Look, We're Just Having a Private Moment at the Top of My Lungs
Big black woman to son: I'm gonna smack you so hard, you're gonna taste it!
Son, wailing: I don't want to taste it!
Passerby: I don't want to taste it either.
--74th St-Roosevelt Ave station
Socks Go on First
Trendy big black woman #1: Girl, did you see that woman?
Trendy big black woman #2: Hell yeah.
Trendy big black woman #1: Looks like she got dressed without instructions!
--McDonald's, 34th & 5th
Overheard by: Joey Madison
Anal Sex: What Can't It Fix?
Fashionista gets off elevator, bumping into guys on her way out.
Balding Greek guy: You know what she needs? A good dick up the ass, that's what she needs!
Black guy: That's what all them bitches need.
--1407 Broadway
Overheard by: Big Larry
If That Doesn't Work, There's Always Rum
Ghetto mama #1: Yeah, I get him ready for bed, and then he starts cryin' and shit.
Ghetto mama #2: Girl, you give that baby some NyQuil before you put him to bed and he will be good to go.
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Oh! The Fucking Places You'll Go!
Conductor: Everything's running normal this weekend.
Black woman: Everything runnin' normal this weekend? Shit, I could take this train to fuckin'... fuckin' anywhere!
--Q train
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: Marc
Runners-Up:
· "Alice in Wonderland, New York Style" - Anastasia Poushkareva
· "Around the Hood in Eighty Days" - ad neal
· "I Meant My Colon" - I Got Real Mail
· "Just a fuckin' small town girl, livin' in a fuckin' lonely world..." - karaoke queen
· "Transfers available to up your ass and go fuck yourself." - mark manne
· "Why Reading Rainbow and drugs don't mix" - mike
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Knowing There Are Only Two Halves Is Half the Battle
Big black lady #1: Have you been to that new Queens mall?
Big black lady #2: No.
Big black lady #1: Half the people be shoppin', half of 'em be watchin' people, and I don't even know 'bout the other half. It gets so damn crowded!
--1 train
Overheard by: No Kidding
My Wig's about to Achieve Liftoff
Old white woman: Oh, it's so windy today!
Black girl: Word. My weave's about to blow off my head.
Old white woman: I hear that.
--M66 bus
Or Gay -- I Forget
Weary black lady squinting at bag of meds: Could you read this to me?
Young white guy: It says, 'Add two drops to each eye twice a day.'
Weary black lady: Thanks. You married?
Young white guy: Uh, yeah.
--Duane Reade, 23rd & 6th
Okay, I've Admitted I Have a Problem. What's Step 2?
Big mama #1: Who's saying I don't think I fuck up? I always fuck up!
Big mama #2: Shit! I was born to fuck up!
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: D money
Fidelity's a Survival Strategy
Asian guy: Also, Freddie Mercury didn't deserve to die.
Black guy: I'm okay with him dead. He was gay, he fucked around, he had AIDS -- he deserved to die.
Asian guy: So, you are saying that people who sleep around too much deserve to die? I sleep around. Do I deserve to die?
Black guy: ... Yes.
--E train
Overheard by: Ting
Good to Know There's Some Common Ground
Black guy #1 walking behind a lady with kid: Damn! I didn't know white women had butts like our black women.
Black guy #2: Me neither.
--Liberty Ave, Queens
Overheard by: nycgal
Like Trying to Stop the Tide, Mom
Eight-year-old black boy: Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall. Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall.
Mom: I told you to stop that!
Eight-year-old black boy, three minutes later: Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall. Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall.
--Restroom, Penn Station
Overheard by: Amanda
Super Lucky Is When You Find One of My Hairs in Your Food
Black chick: I figured it out -- when I fart on someone, when I spit on someone, it's lucky!
Latina: Wait, so if I spit on someone, it ain't lucky?
Black chick: Nah, because it ain't me doin' it. It gotta be me.
--Dressing room, Forever 21
Overheard by: I don't need to be lucky, really...
The White Witch Vows to Freeze Narnia Forever
Black girl: Okay, everybody, here's where we learn to dance! Everybody repeat after me. To the left, to the right, to the left, to the right... [Passengers sway and laugh.]
Sour WASP lady to adjacent white passenger: Is this what people are like when they're on crack?
--3 train, 125th St
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
He Promises He Won't Threaten You for His Share of Reparations
Black lady: I really want you guys to meet my new boyfriend. I think you'll like him.
White lady: Okaaay. Um... How is he with white people?
--St. Mark's Pl & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: JD
Tall Guy, Blue Jacket with Red and White Striped Trousers...?
Black guy: Yo, you gotta know Uncle Sam, man. I mean, you pay your taxes, right?
Indian clerk: No, I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about.
--Deli, 14th & 3rd
Overheard by: hoch
Our Sweet, Sweet Compensation for Centuries of Oppression
Black chick: Yo, you shoulda talked to that nigga at church.
Friend: You ain't supposed to say 'nigga' -- it's African-American month.
--Q train, Prospect Park stop
Overheard by: Jude
Turns Out One of the Airport Metal Detectors Was Actually Working
Black lady #1: So, what happened to her?
Black lady #2: She had to have her breast inplates removed! Can you believe that?
Black lady #1: Oh, shit!
--Jamaica Market food court
Overheard by: Pilar
Wednesday One-Liners Dread Ending Up on The Surreal Life
NYU guy to pal: If you could pick any five girls, and one of them had to be Tom Cruise...
--St. Mark's & 3rd
Overheard by: Lexey
Man: If Leonard Cohen were a hamster, I'd kill him.
--Freddy's Bar, Brooklyn
Hobo: Donald Trump is my cousin, but he doesn't know it because I came out black.
--Museum Mile
Teen girl on cell: Hey, I just read that Brad and Angelina decided to adopt their next kid from Vietnam. You totally have a shot... No, seriously, you should apply. I mean, I guess you'd have to try out and stuff, but it'd so be worth it.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Whitehall St
Skinny black goth girl: Am I gay, or am I Paris Hilton?!
--Cardozo High School
MTA elevator operator to another: You don't have to be forgiven. Clint Eastwood taught us that.
--1 train station elevator, 168th St
Overheard by: martin gehrke
Guy on cell in line: Yeah, she's messing around with Michael Jordan and shit! You do not want your lady messing around with Michael Jordan!
--Rite Aid, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: dutchman
These'll Go Great with My Little Whore Dress
30-something black chick #1, trying on leopard print heels: I don't know... I'm getting a serious whore vibe from these shoes.
30-something black chick #2: Yes, but it's an attractive whore.
30-something black chick #1: Right... Whore is the new black.
--Upscale shoe store, Midtown
This Is Worse Than That Time He Pooped Out Those Kittens
Black girl: I can't believe we just went to the hospital to find out that your cat has no sex.
White girl: What?
Black girl, louder: That your cat has no sex!
White girl: Oh, yeah! I can't believe my male cat has no penis!
--3 train
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: Garrett Berg
Runners-Up:
· "Cat: Why don't you just announce it to the whole goddamn train!" - morgz
· "Garfield and the angry itch" - jeff
· "I think I'll call him Neuter Gingrich" - SNA
· "The Penis Makes the Pussy" - Adam
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
There's a Cheaper Way, but It Hurts Feelings All Around
White guy: Well, this is her third. The first two she miscarried.
Black guy: Aw, man.
White guy: All of them were shake 'n' bake.
Black guy: What?
White guy: Yeah, he shakes and she bakes. It's like 10 grand a shake, too.
Black guy: I heard 25.
--JFK airport
Overheard by: Deeznuts
Must Be the End-Times
Black woman: Bitch, stop barking. I'll beat your ass! Say 'my mother' one more time, I'll come over there and beat your ass, cracker!
White woman: Who says 'cracker' anymore?
--4 train
You'd Think the Distribution System Would Be Better
Homie #1: Drugs is huge, man, huge! If there wasn't no drugs, there'd be no police! No drugs, no lawyers! No drugs, no judges! Nobody would be in prison! All those guards, no jobs! The whole prison system would collapse! No drugs, nobody in the hospitals! Doctors out of work... Drugs is too big! We're a big part of the economy! Nobody is gonna touch drugs, man, so chill. We need drugs!
Homie #2: True dat.
--125th & Lenox
Now How Much for Her?
White nerd in monotone: Look, just because I'm a motherfucking P-I-M-P does not give you the right to kiss up on my women.
Black guy: Fool, don't be trippin'! You ain't got but one woman, and she's fat.
--45th & 9th
If White People Didn't Exist, We'd Have to Invent Them
Fat, drunk black chick: Fuck that shit! I gotta go, and I will pee on this train!
Sister: Stop. I'm not playing, sit down.
Fat, drunk black chick: Say I won't, Teesha, say I won't! I will piss on this train!
Sister: Stop, you're bothering people. Just sit down. I swear to God, I swear I'll get off.
Fat, drunk black chick: Then I will pee on the platform. Nah, nah, I'm gonna pee on this train! Say I won't!
Sister: You're bothering people.
Fat, drunk black chick: White people?! I don't care about white people! You know what they did? Fuck them -- they diseased our country. They brought us HIV! TB! All that shit! They need to go back on their boats! I will pee on this train! Then we'll see who's diseased!
--A train, between 145th & 34th
Nobody Calls 'em "Playerettes"
Black man #1: Man, that reminds me of my bachelor party! The other day this slut friend of mine was getting married -- excuse my language.
Black man #2: That's aight, man. Sometimes you gotta call a slut a slut.
Black man #1: So, she was getting married, right? And the guy is waiting for her in a hotel room with champagne and shit. And the bitch is at my house!
Black man #2: Yo, that's a slut aight.
--28th & 8th
Because Those People Are Beyond Saving
Black woman #1: And then she was like, 'I don't like fried chicken!'
Black woman #2: How could you not like fried chicken?!
Black woman #1: I know! How could you not like fried chicken?!
Black woman #2: ... Well, was she white?
--14th & 1st
Poor Guy
Black man yelling at poster of Seal with a Shar-Pei: A black dude and a dog? A black dude and a dog?! Man... That shit is fucked up! Cute white girls like dogs. Black men don't like cute little dogs! Shiiit.
Chick: He's married to a white supermodel, you know.
--Bus stop, 82nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Carol
Out of What, Now?
Old white husband: What are lamb chops?
Old black wife: I used to buy them for dinner all the time.
Old white husband: What are they?
Old black wife: I used to buy them for you!
Old white husband: I don't remember, tell me what they are.
Old black wife: They're like pork chops, but made out of lamb.
--D train
Overheard by: daniela
Reparations Are a Lot Cheaper Than They Used to Be
Old black man #1: I'm gonna go get a Post.
Old black man #2: A brotha reading the Post? Oh, man...
Old black man #1: Man, it's only 25 cents. And it's got page six!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Jill
Headline by: Dave
Runners-Up:
· "Hahaha...wait...black people? READING?" - pants
· "I always sleep under that one" - Mike B
· "Judge me not by the color of my skin but by the content of my paper" - nyinsf
· "That's the quilted page" - N. A. Cargo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Wednesday One-Liners Are Eating Cat Food
Newspaper hawker: Close your umbrellas, people! You're inside! You're going to poke somebody's eye out! Then they gonna sue you! Then you gonna be broke! Then you gonna throw yourself down the escalator!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Brawd
Black guy on cell: Niggas with no money are contagious!
--7 train platform, 74th & Broadway
Overheard by: Robyn Z
Flight attendant: Welcome to New York where the local time is 4:37. We know that you have a choice in selecting your air travel, and on behalf of the pilot and the crew I'd like to thank you for choosing our bankrupt airline.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Ldartjoy
Man on cell: There's nothing worse than a poor snob.
--115th & Broadway, outside Columbia University
Hobo: Don't anyone wanna donate to the broke-ass foundation?
--Houston St
Overheard by: Has been helped by that organization
Eh, It's Free
Hipster girl after huge black guy sneezes: Bless you.
Huge black guy: You don't know me!
--Shuttle to Times Square
Overheard by: Suburban Liz
Well, Tied with "Fuck"
Teacher: Why shouldn't they ban the N-word in New York City?
Black kid: Because it's my favorite word!
--Wings Academy, Bronx
Wag the Wednesday One-Liner
Woman on cell: So, the doctor tells me to get on the table. He could've told me to get on the table and be a dog and I would've hopped on there and went, 'Bow-wow, motherfuck.'
--6 train
Overheard by: SilentButDeadly
Young girl to mother: Do you think I'm a dog? I'll tell you if I am.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: vm
30-ish woman: Tom's* ass, to me, is like a steak to a sleeping dog... Rrruff!
--34th & 5th
Overheard by: hungry dog
Big black man: My friend is looking for people to sell cocaine for him. He figured out this great way to get around the dogs -- they're scared of bigger animals, so he puts all his drugs in bull shit.
--Bus, Broadway
Overheard by: lora
Dude: Are those things dogs or are those things people?
--Union Square
Overheard by: The Baron
Checkout chick: So, that's my dilemma -- do I spend my tax refund on a chihuahua or a Master's degree?
--Warehouse Wines, 770 Broadway
Overheard by: Jamie
Wednesday One-Liners Want the Drumstick
Little boy: The pigeon knows no fear.
--Central Park
Outraged 20-something to friend: He's the one who told me to put the duck in the eulogy!
--Columbus Circle
Guy on cell: Yeah, it's so hot outside I could cook a turkey between my legs!
--Outside Fordham University
Overheard by: Sharon
Extremely flamboyant black guy: I threw my corn, but I ain't throw no chicken! Okay?
--LaGuardia airport
Overheard by: waste not, want not
Little girl: Mommy, I just saw two pigeons dancing together!
--M66 bus
Guy: Is that a baby or a chicken?!
--Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: emily
You'll Get a Contact High
Son: Mom, can I go and see Santa?
Mom: You ain't sittin' your big black ass on some white Santa!
--Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: Confused white person
Wasn't This an In Living Color Skit?
Black Santa takes off his beard, puts a cigarette in his mouth and starts to adjust his crotch.
Little girl in stroller: Daddy, why is Santa smoking?
Daddy: Well, obviously it's a fake Santa...
Other passersby, scolding: Santa!
Black Santa: What? Santa's gotta friggin' fix himself sometimes, don't he?
--Rockefeller Christmas tree
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
Good Insincerity, but You Blew Your Line
Big black man is minding own business when two-year-old child sitting behind him slaps him in the back of the head.
Big black guy turning around, startled: What the fuck?!
Child's mother: What did I tell you about hitting people?! [Child shrugs his shoulders and looks confused.] I told you we don't hit people. That's not nice. Now, what do you say?
Child: Thaaank yooouuu. [Big black guy's eyes go very wide and he turns back around slowly.]
--N train
Overheard by: Trying not to laugh because that guy was pissed!
Which, According to Our Bylaws, I Must Now Give to You
White office guy: When somebody says 'nigga,' how do you know if they're saying 'nigga' or 'nigger'?
Black office guy: That's easy -- 'nigger' is followed by an ass-whoopin'.
--Restaurant, Park Ave South
Overheard by: Big Larry
Charlton Heston: Bitch Soup Is People!
Middle-aged black dude #1: I wanted to take Shaquan for the weekend, and you know what that bitch told me? She said she was taking him to his grandmother's house!
Middle-aged black dude #2: Man, what's with that woman? She don't let you see your kids!
Middle-aged black dude #1: His grandmother don't need to see him. She's too old to see, anyway! I ain't seen Shaquan since Ju-ly! That's fucked up. I should kill that bitch.
Old Asian lady walks through the train selling noisemakers and batteries.
Middle-aged black dude #1: And why is it when I'm selling bootleg DVDs in a primarily black neighborhood, all the police see is me? When I'm around all black people! But don't nobody say nothin' when this Asian chick sells this junk. Then I'm in jail and this bitch is selling. Then they tell me, 'You can't get out until you pay.' How I'ma make money if I'm in jail, fool?
Middle-aged black dude #2: Heh heh heh. Right, right. But fo' real, though, you should kill that bitch!
Middle-aged black dude #1: For real. I should. Shit's fucked up. I don't care about her pussy -- I can get another pussy. 'Scuse my language. No offense, ladies. I can get another bitch to fuck, but that's my kid! I'ma kill that bitch. I'ma chop her up! I used to be a butcher, man. I'ma chop her up. Make bitch soup! And sell it to the homeless.
--A train
Overheard by: Melody SW
The Guy with the Long Arms?
Guy with long dreadlocks: Why you keep bothering me, man? Why can't you just go away?
Guy with short dreadlocks: Why don't you tell your mama to go away?
Guy with long dreadlocks: Awww, man, why you gotta bring my mama into this?! [To woman in ticket booth] Hey, lady! Woman! Call the law, man!
Woman in ticket booth: Excuse me?
Guy with long dreadlocks: The law, man! Call the law!
--In front of ticket machines, Union Station
Overheard by: didn't want to get involved
Don't Embarrass Me, Okay?
Mom: So, is Alex Rodriguez black or Hispanic?
Boy: He's married.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Bobby
I Know My Job, and Helping You Ain't It
Black lady: Where do I submit this form?
Desk clerk: Are you petitioning for child support violation?
Black lady: No! Who do I give this to?!
Desk clerk: Are you petitioning for alimony or other support?
Black lady: No! Now, who the hell do I give this form to?
Desk clerk: Lady, if you're not petitioning for anything then you don't submit your form to nobody.
--Family Court, 330 Jay St
Overheard by: Sophia
I'm Considering Galoshes
Big black woman #1: I shouldn'a ate all them bags of party mix. I shoulda got me some low fat snack instead.
Big black woman #2: Why you say that?
Big black woman #1: 'Cause I took my damn shoes off an' now I cain't get 'em back on! My feet's all swelled up from the party mix.
Big black woman #2: Girl, why you wear such tight shoes? I'm wearin' sandals.
Big black woman #1: Sandals? Who the fuck wears sandals when it's all snowy and icy and shit?
Big black woman #2: Someone who can get their damn shoes back on after eatin' all that party mix, that's who.
--JetBlue flight 806 to JFK
Overheard by: Big Larry
Really? Who?
White teen: You've got a fat ass.
Black teen: Well, your ass has a stupid, scrawny bitch stuck to it.
--Times Square
You Can Come to the Front If I Can Pick the Kids
Ragged old black guy with wad of cash in hand, teasing: You gonna let me cut the line, right?
Clerk: Please get on the end of the line.
Ragged old black guy: I'ma buy me that 250-dollar Blue Label up there. You gonna let me get on the front of this line, right?
Clerk: [Ignores him.]
Ragged old black guy: 250 dollars for Blue Label for me to get drunk and run over some kids!
--Liquor store, 23rd & Park
Overheard by: Baby G
And It Was Originally Giving the Finger
Black guy #1: You know that statue, right? You know, the British... The British gaved the Statue of Liberty to New York. The British gaved the statue to America. To commemorate the Civil War. But they don't tell you that. They don't talk about that.
Black guy #2: Yep.
Black guy #1: And you know it was black, when the statue got here. It was black. And it had chains 'round it.
Black guy #2: Yep.
--F train, York St
Would You Like Some Scones with That Gin N' Juice?
Black teen #1: See ya later.
Black teen #2: Cheerio, nigga.
--School, 17th St
Overheard by: John
Though Yesterday's Whale Calls Were Quite Impressive
Hobo: Caw! Caw! Tweet! Gobble! Gobble!
Black cop to another: See, man, that's what's happening to our people.
--8th Ave, between 35th & 36th
Overheard by: NRG
All Part of the Great Web of Sugar
Black woman #1: I think Tony could be your sugar daddy.
Black woman #2: Ummm, no.
Black woman #1: Why not?
Black woman #2: No, I don't think so.
Black woman #1: Why? You guys get along so well.
Black woman #2: Because I think he has a sugar daddy.
--Office building, Midtown
Without African-Americans, English Would Just Sit There
Thug holding up cigarette: Sulfur?
Suit: Huh?
Thug: Fire?
Suit: What?
Thug: Burn?
Suit: I don't... Uh...
Thug: Spark?
Suit: Wha--?
Thug: Blaze?
Old black woman in nurse's uniform at next table: He wants to know if you have a match. Learn to speak English, nigga!
--Wendy's, Fulton Mall, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Which I Will Never Be Able to Forget
Black lady #1: So, I was talking to my man, and I was like, 'I don't want no balls in my face like you don't need no titties in yo's!'
Black lady #2: I did not need to hear that shit.
--106th & Park
It's Not Reparations, But I'll Take What I Can Get
Black guy: Yeah man! You could jump in the tracks right now!
White guy: Are you sure the subway Superman will appear?
Black guy: Trust me, I'm sure.
--W 4th St station
Overheard by: ron cabrera
Headline by: Earl
Runners-Up:
· "...like WMD sure... or Jesus sure?" - k swin
· "Able to convince morons in a single sentence" - Erin
· "Another Supporter of Urban Darwinism" - ToddS
· "He'll show up in 15 minutes with a spatula and a bucket of bleach" - Rob
· "It's a Bird! It's a Plane! Ah Fuck, It's a Train." - Justin
· "Kunta Kinte's Revenge" - micah576
· "Malcom X's Plan B" - Chris
· "That cold-death feeling just means he's got you" - Leigh
· "Thinning the herd, Manhattan-style" - Tom Beckett
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Is It Your Birthday?
Hobo: Go shorty, it's your birthday...
Drunk black woman, joining in: Yeah! Go, go!
Hobo: Shorty, it's your shorty...
Drunk black woman: You singing it wrong. It's, 'We gonna party like it's your birthday.'
Passerby gives hobo two dollars.
Drunk black woman: You need to give me half of that, I helped you out with the words.
--E train
Overheard by: Ruth
But Geminis Go Both Ways
Black chick #1: Geminis are the only people we need in this world.
Black chick #2: No, I think you're wrong.
Black chick #1: What sign are you?
Black chick #2: I'm a Libra.
Black chick #1: No, we don't need no Libras, Aries, or Tauruses.
Black chick #2 to her friend: What sign are you?
Friend: I think I'm a Scorpio.
Black chick #1: I've fucked a few Scorpios, they're okay.
--2 train
Overheard by: Just wanted to get home
'Knife'?
Black teen to drag queen: Yo, I can see your Adam's apple, nigga!
Friend: Shhh, don't say the N-word, we're surrounded by white people!
--8th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: jesse michael klein
The Capable Individuals Who Tabulate the US Census
Spanish guy: She's half Spanish.
Black woman: No, she's black.
Spanish guy: No, she's half Spanish.
Black woman: She ain't no half Spanish. Her name is Juanita. That don't sound Spanish to me.
--Holiday Inn, 57th & 10th
Overheard by: CGS
When They Put Up a Barn, It Stays Up
Old black guy #1: You know who really has their shit together?
Old black guy #2: Who?
Old black guy #1: The Amish.
Old black guy #2: For sure.
--F train
'Til Your Third Stabbing Do Us Part
Female associate: ... See, that's his problem. He be startin' shit with niggas when he know he ain't armed!
Male associate: He gon' get stabbed again.
Female associate: He get stabbed again, I'ma be like, 'See ya!' You can't talk shit you ain't got no gun!
--Filene's Basement, Union Square
Overheard by: Manhattan
Making Up a Whole Country -- I Admire That
Black man: So, where you from?
Hot chick: Portugal.
Black man: Shiiit! I've never heard that one before.
--Spring & Broadway
Overheard by: Maria
Or at Least Get My iPod While You're Down There
A man jumps onto the subway tracks to retrieve an item for his female companion.
Black teen chick #1: What is that guy doing?
Black teen chick #2: Is that a black man?! It figures that's a black man! You gotta set a better example for our people!
--Borough Hall
I Asked That at the MoMA, and They Threw Me Out
Black man #1: Are you going to go to the museum tomorrow?
Black man #2: Hell yeah! I wanna know -- how they make a nigga outta wax?!
--Outside Madame Tussaud's, 42nd St
Overheard by: Laura
Nobody in New York Knows the Difference between At-Home and Outside Conversations
Yuppie kid: Mommy shaves her hoo-hoo!
Yuppie dad: Okay, honey. Look, do you want your book?
Yuppie kid: I came in the bathroom this morning and asked Mommy what she was doing and she said shaving her hoo-hoo. Mommy shaves her hoo-hoo!
Yuppie dad: Dylan, remember when we discussed at-home conversations and outside conversations?
Yuppie kid: Yes.
Yuppie dad: Well, this is an at-home conversation.
Yuppie kid: Okay, daddy. [Sings to herself quietly] Mommmyyy shaves her hoo-hooo...
Black lady: See, home conversating, outside conversating -- that's bullshit. My kid says shit like that, I smack him. He won't say shit like that again.
Yuppie dad: Okay, thank you, but I think our method works just fine.
Yuppie kid: Lady, do you shave your hoo-hoo?
Black lady: Oh, yeah, that shit is workin' just fine. She's all kinds of polite.
Yuppie dad: Okay, Dylan, this is our stop.
--R train
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
Not the Face! Not the Face!
Black girl: My daddy says I can't fight her because she's pregnant.
Wigger chick: Her face ain't pregnant, is it?
--Subway bathroom, 4th & 6th
If Dr. Phil Did 2000 Sit-Ups a Day
LL Cool J walks by gaggle of middle-aged black ladies, smiling as he passes.
Ladies: Oh my god, oh my god, that's LL!
Black woman to white woman: You people don't understand -- that was like you white folks seeing Dr. Phil!
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Swanny
Not to Diminish Your Actual Painful Experience in Any Way
Black guy: When I was little I had an inferiority complex because I was the only kid in my school with nappy hair since I went to a white school.
White chick: I think I read a book about that once.
--118th & Broadway
Overheard by: Alison R.
It's Easier for the Airline Than Keeping Track of Your Luggage
Black guy #1: Dawg, we been waitin' here for a min-- I think someone done jacked my shit.
Black guy #2: What? Yo, you serious?
Black guy #1: I'm for real. All my Sean John, Fubu -- all my damn gear was in that shit.
Black guy #2: Nigga, don't worry, just jack someone else's shit. Don't matter noway.
--Baggage claim, JFK
Just Like Nicole Richie
Black street dealer: Coke? Weed, my brotha?
Desi dude: I'm not black, I'm Indian, my nigga.
--St. Mark's & 3rd
Overheard by: Innocent XXX
Wednesday One-Liners Are Also a Member
Negligent mom: He's a little boy -- that's what he's supposed to do! They have penises so they can wave them around!
--Danice, 125th & 8th
Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag
Guy: You think I don't have one? You think I don't have one?! I will flash everyone on this train!
--6 train
Black man to girlfriend: Why you tellin' everybody 'bout mah dick for? Oh, you sad now? Well, stop tellin' everybody 'bout mah dick!
--Staten Island
Overheard by: Against Marj
Little kid waiting to cross street: Owww, my wiener!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Sandy
Queer: Rocky got hard during 'Touch me, touch me' because Janet would rub all over him and he was straight... And in those little yellow shorts you could see his penis grow like a torpedo.
--1 train
Overheard by: Smirking Minnesotan
Professor, about ancient Greek theater: Lots of padding, lots of masks, lots of... phalluses.
--Columbia University
Unless Natalie Portman Starts Returning My Letters
White teen: I don't think I could date an ugly girl.
Preppy black teen: Yeah...
White teen: I think I'll just marry a hot one for the sex and cheat on her emotionally with someone who is actually smart.
--Grand Central
It's a Little Service I Run. Here's My Card
Big black lady: Oh, honey! What's wrong, baby?
Weeping white girl: Oh... It's nothing. I'll be okay.
Big black lady: Boy problems?
Weeping white girl: ... Yeah.
Big black lady: What did he do to you, dear? Did he... Did he beat you?
Weeping white girl, trying not to laugh: No! No, it was nothing like--
Big black lady: --Did he sleep with another woman?
Weeping white girl: No, he--
Big black lady: --Because if he did he'll get an STD and die, don't you worry.
--115th & Broadway
You Think That's Just a Coincidence?
Wigger referring to Lhasa Apso on leash: Yo, yo, man, look at that dog. I told my bitch I'd steal a dog like that for her.
Black friend: You like them faggot dogs? I like me a mothafuckah dat can tear somebody's ass up, like a Doberman or some shit.
Wigger, pausing to think: Man, it's dangerous to steal a Doberman!
--Gramercy Park
Overheard by: Big Larry
Mexicans by Osmosis Are One of the Most Pressing Immigration Issues
Big black dude #1: You want to leave all the white women to me? That's fine.
Big black dude #2: Oh, [laughs], I don't have a problem getting white women. I'm half Indian and half Puerto Rican. I got that Boricua thing going.
Big black dude #1: Oh, shit. Well, I got Mexican in my family...
Smaller black dude: You part Mexican? Where were you born?
Big black dude #1: Well, I was born in Haiti, but I grew up in the Bronx, and my uncle recently married a Mexican.
--Changing room, Church St Boxing gym, Church & Park
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No... 40 grand, and I'll suck your dick.
--Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can't teach you anything if you don't practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
--78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya'll!
--2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That's NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, 'Are you on Restless?' And I was like, 'Yeah,' and then she dropped to her knees!
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you're married, and I don't need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
--Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
How She Keeps Him to Herself
Black lady #1: You know Earl?
Black lady #2: [Nods.]
Black lady #1: You know Earl?
Black lady #3: [Nods.]
Black lady #1: You know Earl?
Black lady #4: [Shakes head.]
Black lady #1: You don't wanna know that mothafuckah -- that is one nasty-ass nigga.
--Flatbush Ave-bound 4 train
Cue Bass Line
Black girl: Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, and I'm just so hot that I wish I could fuck myself.
White girl: Oh my god, me too!
Black girl: Really, you look at yourself naked in the mirror, too?
White girl: No, I look at you in the mirror, silly.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Roderic
Dude, You Suck at the Dozens
Black employee: Yo, why you gotta be hatin' on my family like that?
White kid: Because you're black.
Black employee: ... Your mama's black!
--Gristedes, 20th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Caroline
Wednesday One-Liners Couldn't Get into Stuyvesant
Hobo: You go to USC? I used to go there, man. Of course, I didn't graduate... Don't major in Chemistry. Also, don't smoke crack.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: not planning on it
Conductor: If you do not fit through the physics of the train, please step aside -- this train is not made of spandex.
--F train
Overheard by: BellaFrancine
Bimbette: I could change the world if I just opened my Biology book.
--Dorm room, Columbia campus
Overheard by: college girl
Elegant 20-ish black chick on cell: Do you truly expect me to come out to New Jersey so I can drink Rolling Rock? And listen to Matchbox 20? With a bunch of white bitches? Who majored in Psychology? ... How many things are wrong with that?
--Salvation Army store, Waverly Place
Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo
Wednesday One-Liners Have Relations with Relations
Black dude on cell: No! No one outside of the family sleeps with my Grandma!
--Parking lot
Man to dogs sniffing each other: Stop! Do not molest your sister in public!
--57th St & 7th Ave
Girl: I'd love to date you, but first we need to get a blood test to make sure we're not second cousins.
--NYU Kimmel Center
Overheard by: tj
Mid-40s guy: So, it was like me on my grandparents' bed with my mom...
--Penn Station
Hipster on cell: Thanksgiving ended, and we still don't know. Is Leland having sex with his father's girlfriend?
--Outside UCB Theatre
Farmer: And I Still Would If I Thought I Could Get Away with It
Black guy: Yo, you know what 'FUBU' stand for?
Black girl: Yeah, 'For Us, by Us.'
Black guy: Naw, it stand for 'Farmers Used to Beat Us.'
Black girl: It does not! It's 'For Us, by Us'!
Black guy: That's what they want you to think. Everybody knows it's 'Farmers Used to Beat Us.'
Black girl: There ain't no 'T' in 'FUBU'!
Black guy: That don't matter.
Black girl: You ign'ant, nigga!
--Midtown
Overheard by: Greg Reeves
If Only We Could Convince Them to Roll Themselves in Cornflakes and Flour
Manager: My son likes white girls. I'm like, 'Boy, don't you know white people smell funny?! They smell like chicken when it's wet outside!'
Coworker: Oh, yeah, they do be smellin' weird.
--DT store, 32nd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag
Maybe If You Stopped Calling Them That?
Black guy #1: She'll probably holla at you before she hollas at me, though.
Black guy #2: For real! That's how white bitches are!
--Metropolitan Ave, Kew Gardens
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
No, Ask for More! It's Free Range!
Enormous black woman clutching frantic feral cat: Who'll gimme a dollar fo' this kitten? I know one of ya'lls got a dollar fo' this kitten. You?! You?!
Confused passerby: Didn't you get that from the vacant lot behind you?
Enormous black woman clutching frantic feral cat: Shut up, fool! Okay... Fitty cent, then!
--West 153rd St
Overheard by: goofopet
One Wonders Why He Doesn't Simply Represent Himself
Young black guy #1: Being a lawyer is a no-brain job. They don't have to know nothing about nothing. Just stand there.
Young black guy #2: Yeah, but I'd like to be a lawyer. I don't want to go to court or nothing, just have the title.
Young black guy #1: Most lawyers are worse than the criminals they defend.
Young black guy #2: So, what's happening with your case?
Young black guy #1: It's getting dismissed, or I'm pleading guilty or something.
Young black guy #2: Yeah?
Young black guy #1: God rest Johnnie Cochran's soul.
--Food Court, Concourse Plaza, Bronx
Overheard by: Lawyer
The 200 Word Working Vocabulary Runs into Some Trouble
Black chick on cell: What? You don't want a picture of me? Huh? I said, 'You don't want a picture of me?' I'll send you one of me and my baby. Huh? My baby's one now. Huh? Man, I been tellin' you I had a baby. What? You my big baby, that's my baby baby.
--Coney Island
Odds Are That Petra Will Deny Him Twice More before Morning
Black guy: I'm Jesus!
Woman: No, you're not.
Black guy: Lady, I'm Jesus!
--A train
Overheard by: LSB
Help Me, Sidney Poitier! You're My Only Hope!
White chick: They'll believe you raped me when I was drunk!
Black guy: Baby, don't play that game with me.
White chick: Why not? I can -- you're black!
Black guy: Aw, shit!
--29th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Scott
Wednesday One-Liners Think Their Virginity Has Come Back
Guy on cell: I finally figured out why I have no sons -- no woman will sleep with me.
--Penn Station
Computer geek: I was leveling up my Wizard... Man, I'm never going to have sex.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Irbs
Loud NYU chick on cell: So, there was this guy there that kept announcing he needed to get laid... Yeah, I know. And I'm thinking, 'Dude, you don't let the world know you need to get laid, you just get laid,' you know what I mean? I mean, I need to get laid, too, but I'm not letting the world know that!
--Au Bon Pain, E 8th St
Black lady on cell: ... So the doctor says, 'Tell me about your sex life.' I told him, 'I don't have a sex life. I hate everyone.'
--6 train
Overheard by: SilentButDeadly
Cherry-Poppin' Wednesday One-Liners
Chick: Oh my god, the last time I knew you I was a virgin!
--No Idea Bar, 20th St, between Broadway & Park
Overheard by: Jas
Old lady: Enter the train... She ain't no virgin! Get in, get in!
--F train platform
Overheard by: Ritika
Crazy religious guy: The pope is a liar! He says that Mary's a virgin as of today. That's a lie! After Jesus was born, Mary and Joseph got married. You're tellin' me that they got married, but Joseph wasn't hittin' that?
--4 train
Bleached blonde to boyfriend: As far as my father is concerned, he thinks I am still a virgin... No, actually, there was that one summer he thought I was pregnant because I got fat...
--N train to Astoria
God squad lady: I have a two-month-old son, and I'm praying for his virginity.
--L train
Overheard by: Errol Stairpath
Habitual Offender Wednesday One-Liners
Three white guys are dressed in prison uniforms.
Huge black guy: Those mothafuckas wouldn't last a second in Attica.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: acep
Guy on cell: Jeff, it's me. Quick question -- when you get arrested, do you lose all of your civil liberties or just some? ... 'Cause these guys won't leave me the fuck alone...
--Staten Island Ferry
Drunk Fordham student: Have you ever been in a Mexican prison? You have no idea what it's like in a Mexican prison!
--Pugsley's
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban
Lady on cell: He just graduated from culinary school, and he said he got the best job in the class. He's the chef at Michigan State Prison.
--Broadway & Spring St
Girl, after lady bumps into her: I mean, if God bumps into me, that's one thing -- I wouldn't say nothing, 'cause that's God, you know? But she ain't God, and I'm about to go to jail over her ass.
--Target, Brooklyn
Overheard by: santos
Because She'll Be Facing the Other Direction
Angry black lady: I'm gonna 69 that motherfucker!
Friend: What?!
Angry black lady: I mean, 68 or 67 or... I dunno. Star 67! That way the bitch won't know it's me callin'.
--City Hall Park
Overheard by: This is what makes New York City so great
So Probably Was Just Very Tan
Black New Yorker guy and two white tourist ladies have a lengthy conversation about different places to visit in NYC.
Black guy: Okay, ladies, this is my stop. Bye!
White tourist lady #1: Bye! Have a great day! [To friend, as man departs at Astor Place] I didn't feel threatened by him at all. He was actually a very nice man.
--6 train
How Do You Know He Didn't Go to College?
Blonde: Well, I want to visit that country where they speak African!
Redhead: Oh, you want to go to Africa to learn how to speak African? That is so cool.
Black businessman shaking his head: Africa is a continent, not a country, [sighs], and there is no language called 'African.'
Black businessman departs at 34th Street.
Blonde: How's he going to tell me that when we went to college and he didn't? Plus, I heard President Bush call Africa a country in a speech.
--A train, 14th St
Overheard by: LDofHarlem
And They Can't Dance, Either
Black woman #1: What is this?
Black woman #2: White people don't know what fried chicken looks like.
--Cafeteria, 17th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Amanda
What the Far End of the Heterosexual Spectrum Butts Up Against
Thug #1: Yeah, me too. I get so much pussy... Sometimes I'm too tired to even fuck 'em all.
Thug #2: Nigga, you gay.
--M4 bus stop, 110th St & Amsterdam
Overheard by: High LiferforLife
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Be Called 'Caucasian'
Hispanic guy to another, leaving restroom: Man, it smells like white man's shit in there.
--Trump Tower, 5th Ave
Hobo to hispanic guy on cell: Are there any white people in this town?
--Wyckoff & Troutman, Brooklyn
Overheard by: they're coming
Woman: But it's Aryan night...
--116th & Broadway
Hobo playing guitar: I've got three kids at home -- I'll take anything. I'll take food stamps, hair weave, Chinese people's money, change, food, weed... I'll even take white people's money.
--1 train
Overheard by: trooshieb
Black lady: Harlem is up and coming, but it ain't come up yet. I need to see a few more white people jogging at six a.m. before I sign a lease above 125th.
--7 train
Wednesday One-Liners Star in a Revival of Dreamcoat
Man: Tonight we'll go to the Polish restaurant, or we'll go see Spamalot. Either way, we need the laughs.
--Elevator, 250 West 57th St
Four-year-old standing and pointing as Gaston is about to stab the Beast: Nooo! Stop that!
--Lunt-Fontanne Theatre
White chick: I'm entirely too white for this show. That, or too Canadian. They spell 'color' without a 'u'!
--The Color Purple, Broadway Theatre
Guy on cell: I'm at Marie's Crisis. Yeah, everyone at the party was ugly, and so I left, and I figured if I'm gonna hang out with ugly people, I might as well sing showtunes.
--Marie's Crisis piano bar, 50 Grove St
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Small child during Tarzan: He's dead 'cause he got shot.
--Richard Rodgers Theater, 45th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Adam
Black 40-something lady passing theatre: Ain't dis a play o' somethin'?
--Outside Nederlander Theatre on 41st St
Overheard by: A-Mo
So We Have an Alibi
Irish guy: Yeah, I'm a hundred percent Irish. I just got back from Ireland this summer.
Black chick: Oh, you're Irish? I'm part Irish.
Irish guy, skeptical: Really?
Black chick: No, seriously. An Irish slave master raped my great, great grandmother.
Irish guy: Well, my family got here in 1909.
--Ulysses' Bar
We Practice the Old Religion of Egypt, Sir
White mom calling seven-year-old girl: Isis, come back over here! Don't wander off - stay where I can see you!
Black man: Woman, you name me 'Isis,' and I wander as far away from you as I can get. I don't blame that girl. Isis! What kind of name is that for a little white girl? Damn! Now I know white people crazy.
--Central Park
Spends It All on Hairspray
Black guy holding out headphones: Hey man, you like hip-hop music? It's all me right here, pimp!
Long-haired metalhead: Nah, man. I got nothing.
Black guy: White boy with no money? C'mon, I find that hard to believe.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Phil
Nothing Says Healthy Relationship Like Self-Loathing
Jamaican girl: You know what I think about a lot? I think I must have been white in my past life, but I must have done something really, really horrible to get stuck in this black body.
Boyfriend: Jeez, you do think about that a lot.
Jamaican girl: Oh, not 90 percent of the time. Just 10 percent.
--Subway to Archer Ave
Overheard by: Just a girl
Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look
Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Francesca
White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?
--4 train
Overheard by: Gregorio
Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?
--D train, Grand Concourse
Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?
--Manhattan-bound F train
Overheard by: Josh
Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?
--Game Stop, Forest Hills
Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They're like lions -- from the sea!
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Andrew K.
Everything's Relative
Black guy: Who we going to see?
Asian guy: Andy. Not black-Andy, white-Andy.
Black guy: White-Andy? ...You mean Asian-Andy?
Asian guy: Oh, yeah, Asian-Andy.
--29th & Broadway
Overheard by: Brian
She Could Turn Back to a Scullery-Maid at Any Moment
Black guy #1: It ain't Halloween until you hit the ground.
Black guy #2 to friend trying to help a drunken princess: Don't touch the white girl!
--7th & Greenwich
Thank You, Come Again!
Black customer: Give me a yellow cash card, my brother.
Middle Eastern owner: What'd you call me?
Black customer: I said 'my brother.'
Middle Eastern owner: No, no, no. We are different.
Black customer: No, we're not -- we all come from the same place. We have the same blood.
Middle Eastern owner: No, your blood is black -- your blood is shit.
Black customer: No, my blood is blue just like yours. Besides, if I don't come here to your store to spend money, how are you going to afford the bombs to blow up buildings?
--488 Madison Ave
He Doesn't Cope Well with Fever
Black girl: I'm just going to remain celibate until I meet a nice-looking white man.
Friend: Look how fast he's walking away!
--Garfield & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Mark S
This Is the Line Vader Should Have Taken with Luke
Black dude on cell: So I got her pregnant. And she wanted me to care and shit, and I was like, 'I'm a street nigga!' And you know what I'm sayin', 'cause you're one, too. I didn't want to be a father. I even told my son, straight-up! She was some nasty shit -- all mugly in the face; body all fucked-up. But yeah, I was lacing that shit all the way through 1982! Okay, peace out, man.
--E train
He Also Blew the Whistle on Big Tobacco
Hipster girl on cell: Kim, I'm such a spaz! I forgot it was Wednesday, and I forgot I was supposed to meet you for lunch. So I'm on the Upper East Side and --
Black guy yelling: No, you ain't! You at Union Square, bitch!
Hipster girl on cell: --Sorry. I'm on the Upper East Side and I don't have time to go downtown right now.
--Union Square
His Translation Captures the Spirit of the Original
Chinese girl: [in Chinese] Your luck just ran out.
Black girl: What the fuck did she say?
Chinese passerby: You are fucked.
--W 4th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Ting
She Can Chug and Do Stand-up!
Skinny, black charity mugger: Hey, look at you! Help feed the homeless!
Chubby white chick: No, sorry.
Skinny, black chugger: You, feed the homeless!
Chubby white chick: Sorry, no thanks, I'm late.
Skinny, black chugger: You big enough to feed the homeless!
--Broadway & 10th
Overheard by: booksandlibretti
But Don't Tell Her I Said That
White girl: I don't get that girl. I just don't like her.
Black boyfriend: Why?
White girl: Because if I don't like someone, I tell them. Straight at their face, I'm like, 'I don't like you.' But she be talking behind people's backs and shit. It's not cool, yo.
Black boyfriend: Yeah.
White girl: And she thinks she's ghetto, but she's not. We ghetto -- she's not.
--Uptown C platform, 34th St
He Spent the Whole Month High at Malibu Grand Prix
Black dude: Word, son. It didn't rain the whole time I was in California. No rain for a whole month. There was sun and clouds -- you would love it. The roads are crazy -- driving there is mad good, yo. They're all big and you can speed and the cops won't pull you over because there is so much other illegal-- well they got all those illegal aliens, the eses and pisanos.
Friend: Word?
Black dude: But they don't have stop signs. Like, you know, in New York they got those big red stop signs, but in California it's all written on the floor.
--Q Train
Except When I Have to Take Off My Pants in Front of Girls
Dad at hockey game: Wow, there's like no black people here.
20-something son: Yeah there are, Dad. They're selling stuff and cleaning bathrooms.
Dad: Aren't you glad you weren't born black?
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Deb
When It's Snowing They Inject Heroin Into Their Eyeballs
Black guy #1: Yo man, I hate when it's fucking raining like this.
Black guy #2: Yeah, that's why we got this blunt.
Together: Yeah!
--Duane Reade, W 4th
On Tomorrow's Celebrity Death Match: Vishnu v. Thor
Black Bible-thumper: Jesus will save you! Have you been saved? Praise Jesus!
Passerby: Praise Allah!
Black Bible-thumper: Fuck you, motherfucker! Jesus will kick your ass!
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: The Jewish Asian
But Who Will Prevent Cruelty to Imaginary Russell Simmons?
Skinny black acid-tripper to ASPCA ad featuring Russell Simmons: Yo, I can dance. You can't dance. You don't exist. [Pause.] Yo, what you said? I'll fuck you up!
--near Worth & Mott St
Overheard by: Joe
Where'd You Get That Prominent Ribcage?
Black guy #1 to passing white girl: Where'd you get that nice big ass? Your mother give you that ass?
Black guy #2: Naw, man. White girl don't wanna hear she got a big ass. Only black girls wanna hear that shit.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: DZW
Phillip Seymour Hoffman's Long Awaited Street Cred
Black woman: Oh, look at this, 'The Collected Stories of Truman Capote.' Wow, he really looks like who played him!
Black man: Let me see that. What? You think that looks like me?
Black woman: No, no, he looks like what's-his-name, you know, the guy who played him in the movie.
Black man: Oh! Shit, I thought you said 'he looks like you, playa.'
Black woman: Are you crazy?
Black man: He does dress like a nigga, though.
--Barnes & Noble, 82nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: Beeeej
Or Is It Lent Already?
Ghetto guy: Why I be so ashy?
White chick: It's because you're black, right?
--Canal St & Centre St
We May Have to Put It to Sleep
Ghetto boy #1: My boy ain't getting no pussy. No pussy at all.
Ghetto boy #2: And the pussy that he is getting is sick pussy!
--Broadway & Lafayette St
Explain the Waffle Iron, Then
Black NYU boy: For some reason, every Asian here has a rice cooker.
Black girl: Why?
Black NYU boy: I don't know, I guess because they're Asian.
Black girl: That's so stupid. I'm black, but you don't see me with a chicken fryer.
--8th St & University Pl
Overheard by: yo mama
I Was Just Messin' Wit' Jew
Hasidic Jew: Excuse me, sir, are you Jewish?
Man: Yes.
Hasidic Jew: The Messiah is coming soon. [To black woman:] Excuse me, ma'am, are you Jewish? I was just kidding.
--2 train
Overheard by: the rat
No, Universal Affirmatives Can Only Be Partially Converted
Black kid, pointing to a Hasidic Jewish man: Yo, check out the Amish dude!
Mother: He ain't Amish, they wear straw hats.
Black kid: But he's got a beard. Amish guys got beards. So he's Amish.
--Uptown 4 train
Overheard by: jewish girl
She's Just Trying to Live up to Being an 'Ashley'
Black teen girl #1: Ashley is pissing me off. Do you know what she wants me to do this weekend?
Black teen girl #2: No, what?
Black teen girl #1: Pick apples!
Black teen girl #2: Is she white?
Black teen girl #1: No, that's what pisses me off, she's black!
Black teen girl #2: Shit, I don't know about apple picking, but this weekend, I'm gonna do some jerk chicken pickin'!
--A train to Manhattan
Overheard by: Johnny Appleseed
Wednesday-One-Liners Head to Pound Town
Drinking college co-ed: It was like, my brain shut off, and my genitals went 'woo-hoo!'
--60th & Amsterdam
Guy on cell: Sorry, I couldn't make it. I was tied up. Hopefully, next time it'll be you.
--116th & Broadway
Gay black man to black woman: Girl, I know the perfect guy for you. He will beast fuck you. He will fuck you like a white girl.
--Greenwich & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Artie
Black guy: I'll do the wheelbarrow on the first date, I don't give a fuck!
--Downtown 6 train
Overheard by: biz
Girl in bathroom stall: How many guys can I sleep with in a week and not be a slut?
--Soundz Lounge, Lasalle St & Broadway
Girl: I wondered why you kept talking about pony play!
--Elevator, 168th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Peter Pecker
Well-dressed man on cellphone: He must have had a dildo in his pants, and she grabbed onto that. It's the only way they could have worked it.
--La Giancoma, second intermission, Metropolitan Opera
Overheard by: Schroeder
And Just Like That, They Formed a Rap Group
Thug: Why you gotta be white and ignorant?
White Girl: Why you gotta be black and belligerent?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Bacon
I Meant Nowhere White People Would Want to Go
Blond Tourist Bimbo: I've never even heard of the G Train.
Blond Local Bimbo: Yeah, it's a ghetto train.
Blond Tourist Bimbo: Where does it go?
Blond Local Bimbo: Nowhere.
Black eight-year-old boy: Except my home, bitch.
--G train Hoyt/Schermerhorn station
Overheard by: Ian Robertson
So Mom Required her to Contemplate the Year's Mistakes
Black 10-year-old girl: Mommy! Mommy! Can I get some ice cream?
Ghetto mom: I ain't gettin' you no ice cream. Ain't no holiday.
Black 10-year-old girl: Is so! It's the Jewish New Year!
--11th St & Ave C
Those who Bootleg History Are Doomed to Profit From It
20-something Chinese guy: You know what? Chinese people discovered America.
20-something Black guy: Bullshit.
20-something Chinese guy: It's true! There's an article on CNN showing we discovered America, there are maps. Chinese were here first before everyone else. Chinese people did everything before everyone else. White people take credit for everything, but now it's coming out that Chinese made all of these discoveries first. Don't you see a pattern? We're the shit.
20-something Black guy: The only pattern I see is that you motherfuckers pirate and resell every DVD, and now you're trying to bootleg history.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Ricky
They do Them on the Team bus
Little boy: Do you play basketball?
Black man: Yes I do.
Little boy: Do you play for the Knicks?
Boy's mom: Yes, professional basketball players spend their time off doing sudoku puzzles on the subway. Let's go.
--Downtown 1 train
Overheard by: Allisa
Warning: This Story is Character-Driven
Rhodes Scholar wigger: Yeah, we ain't together no more. Bitch had the nerve to dump me.
Friend: What happened? You guys looked fine last week. It doesn't make sense.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: She wasn't down with how I roll. Always dissin' the way I talk and shit--you know, correcting me and shit. Said she couldn't take it no more, that I was always actin' ign-i-ant or some shit. Like she's some brain scientist or some shit. Bitch was always wrong anyways.
Friend: Brain surgeon.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: What?
Friend: You said brain scientist. I think you meant brain surgeon.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: Dat's what I said nigga, you just heard me wrong.
Friend: You know what, suddenly it does makes sense.
--Manhattan bound F train
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
Wednesday One-Linezillas
Teenage bride-to-be on cell: ...yeah. But, no, I'm totally ready to walk across the aisle.
--Target, South Bronx
Overheard by: so this is the bronx
Suit: You expect me to spend the rest of my life with only one woman? One woman? One godforsaken woman?
--42nd St & Madison
Hula hoop guy to tourist couple: Sir! I'll show you! You don't have to do it, but hula hoops have saved a lot of marriages!
--Washington Square Park
Old woman to imaginary friend: I'd make a great wife, mothafucka!
--F train
Overheard by: Trying Not to Laugh
Girl: Can I do your brother at one of your weddings?
--Monitor St, Brooklyn
Young woman on cell: Well yeah, but he didn't sleep with your bridesmaids.
--82nd & Lex
Man on cell: Ok, fine! You want to get married?
--Upper West Side
In Fifteen Years, Nothing Else Will Be Remembered About Janet Jackson
Black chick #1: So I got my nipples pierced.
Black chick #2: No way! Let me see!
Black chick #1: Not on the train!
Black chick #2: It's not like I haven't seen them before. Remember at Rashon's party, where you pulled a Janet Jackson?
--Brooklyn bound F train
Overheard by: Scott
Slave Labor Doesn't Hurt the Bottom Line, Either
Drunk black girl: I get mad cheap shit in Chinatown. You can get shit for like ten cents. China knows what's up.
Drunk black guy: Shit. But they are communist and shit.
Drunk black girl: Yeah, but the U.S. is a bunch of idiots. They're like, "We are gonna make shit fuckin' expensive," and China is like, "FUUUCK YOUUU. We are gonna sell shit for like one dollar, and all you stupid white bitches gonna buy it up. Fuuuck youuu."
--N train, 28th St
Begging Is My Career, But What I Really Love Is Giving Lifestyle Advice
Black woman, to white kid flanked by two pretty girls: Hey, mista'! Ya got some change?
Same black woman, to the two girls: Don't go givin' away pussy fo' free!
--DeKalb Station
Overheard by: BagelOfTheDamned
You Catch It the Same Way You Do Unicorns
Gigantic suit, urinating outside: Excuse me, ladies. I apologize for that.
Ladies: It's OK.
Gigantic suit: There's a big black cock on the loose.
--19th & Broadway
Overheard by: becca
He Sees You As an Alternative Target, Not Protection
Chinese guy: Hey, now that you're here we can go to Sylvia's in Harlem and get some soul food.
Black guy: What do you mean, "now that I'm here"? What, you can't go to Harlem by yourself, but now that you've got your token black you're safe? That's fucked up.
Chinese guy: Let me ask you something: would you go to Harlem alone at night?
Black guy: OK, that's not the point.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Ricky
There Is a Well-Documented Correlation Between Mixed Breeding and Split Ends
Drunk girl #1: He has such bad hair.
Drunk girl #2: No, you know who has bad hair? Derek Jeter.
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, but he can't help it. He's half black... what? He is.
--Queens
Technically Speaking, Anything Over Seven Inches Cannot Legally Be Referred to as a 'Wiener'
Drunk black guy, to white couple: She don't want your small white cock! She wants a big black cock, nine and a half inches!
White girl: Ewww! I hate black wiener.
--Hall & Myrtle, Clinton Hill
Overheard by: Luigi
You Don't Want to Know What She Does When She Gets Her Hands on the Sunny D
Ghetto chick: They got some shit out there called Purple Motherfucker.
Ghetto guy: Yeah, I know about that. I don't like to talk about that shit, though.
Ghetto chick: That shit so good, make me wanna curse my momma an' shit!
--A train, between 125th & 145th
Overheard by: Deckard
They Won't Come Anywhere Near Us, And We Can Shop in Peace
Black guy #1: Man, we shoulda gone to the Target in Queens!
Black guy #2: Yeah! That's where all the white people go!
--Target, Inwood
Overheard by: amused white girl
The Police Athletic League Goes Recruiting
Police cruiser stops on 8th Ave by a group of black teens.
Loudspeaker: What are you doing there?
Black teens: [inaudible]
Loudspeaker: OK, but no hands.
One teen takes three long strides and leaps on top of a mailbox, wobbles precariously, touches one finger on a wobble, and stands straight up.
Loudspeaker: Used your hands.
--34th & 8th
Probably the Only Kind of Reassurance She Would Have Accepted from Him
Black man: Quit turning around and walk, bitch. I ain't gonna rape you.
White woman turns around and walks a little faster.
Black man: You ain't even my type! Too skinny! I like 'em big!
--Madison Ave
As If She Gives a Fuck What Coloreds Say
Girl from upstate New York: So are there a lot of colored people in Connecticut?
Long pause.
Black girl: We say black people now.
--FIT
Overheard by: LL
Friends Don't Let Friends Be Drug Mules
Black guy: I just really don't wanna go to prison in Africa.
White guy: Of course. And, if at any time you feel like that might be a possibility, the operation comes to a close. I value you and your sweet virgin ass and unslit throat over some cheap pot.
Black guy: That's how I know you're a real friend.
--Parking lot, LaGuardia
Overheard by: slightly confused
Once You Go Asshole, You Never Go Back
Passing black man, to white woman: Yo, sis. You so beautiful.
White woman turns away.
Black man: That's a compliment. From a black man! To a white girl with no ass!
--106th & Broadway
Overheard by: inge
You Start Handing Out Directions, Next Thing You Know They're Talking Reparations
Black woman: Excuse me, miss?
Upper-East-Side white biotech: I don't have any money.
Black woman: I just wanted directions.
--74th & Lex
Iraq Did the Same Thing, and Look at Them
Black woman: You're my lawyer! Ain't it your fucking job to take care of shit like this?! All you white people, controlling everything--you're all incompetent! Fuckin' white people!
White attorney: Sandra*, please calm down.
Black woman: Fuckin' white people!
White attorney: Ma'am, speaking as a white person who happens to hold $379,000 of your money in escrow, may I suggest you stop cursing at us and calm down before I get up and take your checks with me?
Black woman: I will not calm down!!
White attorney gets up and leaves the room.
Woman's husband: See what you did? You done upset the white man. I ain't got no problem wit you cursin' at crackahs, but why you gotta go and piss off the white man who got all our money?
--54th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: Amused white intern
The Delis Are Going to Have to Start Selling Matzoh-Ball Soup
Black guy #1, noticing white guy walking down the street: Aw, man!
Black guy #2: There goes the neighborhood.
White guy: This is the cheapest rent in the city. You better believe my people are going to start moving here.
--Franklin Ave, Brooklyn
Stereotype Showdown!
A bunch of Asian people get on the train.
Black teen boy #1: Whoa, shit! Half of China up in here!
Black teen boy #2: No shit, man. We better represent!
Black teen girl: I'ma get out my phone, be like, "Where my nigga Shaneequa at?"
--3 train, 116th St/Lenox Ave
Overheard by: quiubomona
Hardly. He Could Have Said the Suitcase Was Full of Jessica Simpson CDs.
Younger black man with suitcase: I just want you all to know that I am getting on the train with a suspicious package.
Older black man, not looking up from his newspaper: Nigga, that is the stupidest thing you could have said.
--Downtown 1 train
Overheard by: observing on the 1
As Long as She Pronounces That Second 'R,' Everything Should Be Fine
Mother to two children: Okay, time to leave.
Little girl, trying to push her way through as her brother holds the door closed: Daaaaviiiiid!
Mother to black security guard: I guess that's just a brother for you.
Security guard looks uncomfortable.
Mother, quickly: I mean, that's just a brother's job, right?
--Bergdorf Goodman, 5th Ave
Overheard by: vivienne
If Only He Could Remember It
Black customer: Hey, let me get that one. [Points at menu]
Black employee: Which one?
Black customer: That one. [Points again]
Black employee: Do you mean the smokehouse beef brisket?
Black customer: Yeah, the one in the picture.
Black employee, sighing: Black people!
Black customer: What? I'm not black. I'm Spanish!
Black employee: No you're not. Prove it. Say something in Spanish.
Black customer: Como estas?
Black employee: See, you're not Spanish.
Black customer: My name is Spanish.
--Quizno's, 12th & Broadway
At the Sanitarium, Mad Crab Legs Was to Encounter Mad Horny, Her Arch-Nemesis
Black woman #1: I love crab legs. I'ma go home tonight and cook mad crab legs and suck the meat out.
Black woman #2: Fuck dat, I'ma go to Coney Island, get some clams. Put some hot sauce and some butter on that shits. Go home and get freaky with my old man. Shellfish get me mad horny.
--Brooklyn Family Court
Like They're Afraid of a Crime Happening in a Primarily Black Neighborhood or Something
Black teen hipster #1: Why are there so many white people on the 2 train this late at night?
Black teen hipster #2: Please. All these white people are getting off at 96th Street.
Train stops at 96th. The white people leave the train.
Black Teen Hipster #2: Watch 'em all scamper away!
--2 train
The Self-Loathing Is Also Strongly Suggestive
Jewish boy: If I wasn't Jewish and saw Passion of the Christ, I'd walk out of the theaters screaming, "Let's kill those Jews for killing our Lord and Savior!"
Black woman: Boy, you shouldn't be goin' 'round screaming that.
Jewish boy: Um, but I am Jewish.
Black woman: How am I 'sposed to know that?
Jewish boy: By the fucking thing on my head and the fact that I keep checking for my wallet every second I'm talking to you.
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: David
'One of These Things Is Not Like the Other...'
Thuggish black guy #1: That was mad niggerish.
Preppy black guy: Yeah, it was so fiscally irresponsible.
Thuggish black guy #2: Yeah, so niggerish.
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: puzzled
And, by the Way, 'Grammatically Correctly' Is Needlessly Redundant
Belligerent white woman: Could you get of the way?
Black teen: I be trying!
Belligerent white woman: You should speak gramatically correctly!
Smartass: "I be trying" isn't ungrammatical. It's standard usage in African-American vernacular English.
Belligerent white woman: Oh, what would you know?
Smartass: I have a Ph.D. in linguistics from MIT.
--A train
Wednesday One-Liners Can Pick Up Quarters With No Hands
Girl on cell: Quite frankly, I'd rather be pole dancing.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: braincurve
Girl: I mean, I'm a stripper, but that don't mean I'm a ho.
--Central Park
Guy on cell: I don't get the whole Penthouse Club thing. There are strippers, and they serve you steak? I don't want a fucking stripper on my lap while I'm eating steak. I've got a knife.
--Austin Street, Forest Hills
Overheard by: Ethan
Black girl: 'Fo real, she makes all that money dancin', and she can't even herself get a weave?
--86th & 2nd
Wednesday One-Liners Say the Neon Lights Are Bright
Guy: Now, you know I want Tarzan the Musical to be a giant flop, but...
--54th & Broadway
Ghetto teen, watching Sutton Foster sing "You've Got Possibilities" from It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Superman!, the musical: Maybe these crackers be famous, but it's Broadway. This shit sucks.
--Central Park
Overheard by: warren freeman
Tourist chick, on cell: On Wednesday, we're going to see The Directors...The Directors...The Directors. C'mon, you know, The Directors! Oh, I mean The Producers!
--Sidestreet Saloon, Staten Island
Overheard by: Johnny Drongo
Wednesday One-Liners Live Beyond Their Means
Black woman #1, to black woman #2: That's a real cute phone for a nigger without a job.
--Sprint Store
Overheard by: wigger with a job
Guy: I dunno, if I had that much money, I'd spend it on something else. Like pants made of diamonds...Or hookers made of gold.
--Lafayette & Bond
Overheard by: jayloo
Hobo, to baby in stroller: You're a fucking moron, kid, wasting all your money on that shit!
--Central Park
Overheard by: PeggyG.
Just When You Think Humanity Is One Species
Black woman #1, looking at the Time Warner Center: I haven't been in there yet. But you know it's not for us.
Black woman #2: Why did they put a J Crew in there? J Crew ain't never got nothing.
Black woman #1: I know. If anything, they should have put a Kohl's. They got Kohl's in there?
--Uptown M7 bus
Overheard by: Always listening to other people's conversations
You've Got to Go Down to Aquaman Before You Even Find a Black Villain
In line for opening night show of Superman Returns.
Passerby: What's this line for?
Black dude: Man, everybody wants to see Supercracker.
--4th Ave, between 13th and 14th
Overheard by: Potomac
Always Playin' the Blister Card
Drunk hobo: You are so fucking beautiful. I am in love with you. Please let me give you a hug.
Girl #1: Please, no.
Drunk hobo: Why all you white girls hate on black people? We not all that bad.
Girl #2: It's not because you're black. It's because you're covered with open sores and blisters.
--Manhattan bound L train
Overheard by: Far
Besides, I Was Arrested Last Year For Gathering
Teen #1: Yo, what are you doing?
Teen #2: Looking.
Teen #3: Yo, man, you always looking for something.
Teen #2: We African, man! We needs to hunt!
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Michele
The Laughing Helps My Fried-Chicken Gas
Black chick #1: C'mon.
Black chick #2: Alright, alright, what's the rush?
Black chick #1: C'mon, I wanna see some white boys dancing.
--Outside Gazebo nightclub, 93rd St & 4th Ave, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Capn MidNite
Deleted Scene from Mission: Impossible III
Hot Asian chick: Yeah, so I kept asking my boyfriend about how he had his ex finger his ass, and he got so pissy at me.
Gay black dude: Hmmph. He probably doesn't want to admit he wants it up the booty all the time.
Hot Asian chick: He said he pretended that he liked it when she she'd butt play him. I don't buy that shit.
Gay black dude: Honey, real men don't pretend. Run!
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: henry
Compassionate Conservative
Black woman: You know that girl you bumped into? She was handicapped. And you didn't say, "Excuse me."
White boy: Um, she bumped into me.
Black woman: So, she's handicapped. Is it her fault?
White boy: Shut the fuck up and go pick up your welfare check, you entitlement-addicted bitch.
--53rd & 5th
I Was Like, 'Pass the Joint Custody, Yo.'
Hispanic/black mom: Do you believe that shit? I was like, "You have got to be messin.'"
7-year-old daughter: Ya, I hope you told him.
Mom: Ya, I gave yo' daddy some shit. He ain't gonna come round no mo'.
--Water & Fulton
Overheard by: Fabiani
If the White Guy Leaves His Number, Even Better
Guy #1 (wearing do-rag): You know why I wear this shit, man?
Guy #2: Nah, man, why?
Guy #1: Because I love the stare. I love it when some dumb white guy stares at me and asks why I wear this so I can curse the shit out of that mothafucka!
--14th & 1st
Skinny Crackers Are Good For You. Period.
Black teenage girl on cell: I don't care if he is a skinny white dude. I'm telling you right now, as long as I don't have my period I'm gonna screw that cracker.
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Patriotic Feces? Old Navy's New Product Line Is Genius!
Black lady with five kids: You can't get anything here. We gots to get to Old Navy to buy us all our Fourth of July t-shirts so we match at the picnic.
Black guy: They have the best deal. Shirts are five dollars each, that's like [counts kids, self, and wife] less than twenty bucks for all of us, and even the baby shit has a flag on it.
--Target, Atlantic Terminal, Brooklyn
Overheard by: lora
Are You My Asian/Pacific Islander?
Asian guy: Yo, nigger.
Black guy: Fuck you. You ain't my nigger.
--90th St, Elmhurst
Ignorance Is Hell
Black man: It's hotter than Hades out there!
Black woman: Don't insult my country.
--63rd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ash
No, Behind Him, in the Hot Dog Suit
Guy #1: Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw!
Guy #2: Dis game aint no thang. Think about it man. How many brothers you see out here?
Guy #1: How about the cuz sittin' at first base?
Guy #2: Yo, he Spanish.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Terrence Reasons
And Her Sisters, While You're at It
Black guy #1: No son, you're cousins by marriage. It's not blood, so it's like you not even related. That shit doesnt count, son.
Black guy #2: Oh, for reals? So I can fuck with her and shit?
--F train
Overheard by: pearlywhirly
Watch What You Say -- They're Everywhere
Girl #1: But, like, why do all the gay guys have to be so hot?
Girl #2: I know. At least all the lesbians are ugly!
--Times Square
"The Bronx" Is What He Calls It, Too
Black guy #1: I've been banging her for four weeks now.
Black guy #2: Word!
Black guy #1: Yo, I just found out Ty was banging her, too.
Black guy #2: Man! You can take the ho out of the Bronx but you can't take Bronx out of the ho.
--F train platform, Bryant Park station
Overheard by: Sal S.
Wednesday One-liners in the Family Way
Woman: She thinks she's so special cause she's pregnant. Try being 35 and not pregnant! That's harder to do!
--81st & Amsterdam
Very pregnant woman, standing on the subway, stares at a young black guy who took the last seat.
Young black guy: What do you want lady? I didn't get you that way!
--Union Square station
Sounds Like an Average Saturday Night
Large black man on cell: So, I figured out what happened. Ebony was at the drug house with the first lesbian, but then that other lesbian that she stole two dollars from came. So that's where you came in. And....hey? Are you there? Mom? Mom?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Lauren Sneath
I Guess Today They're Riding
Old black lady: Oh lord, Satan's children are walking the streets
Goth kid: Shut the fuck up, Rosa Parks. Go sit in the back of the fucking bus!
--M86 bus
Overheard by: Metal Martyr
Memories of the Meth Years
Black lesbian: I've been in this neighborhood for so long.
Black gay guy: Mhh-hmmmh.
Black lesbian: Oh man! See that brownstone? Years ago I was invited to a wedding reception there. It was awesome. Beautiful. I was sitting right up front and laughing and crying with the rest of the family, like, I love you ladies! Damn, to this day, I still don't know how the hell I got there, or who those bitches were.
--Bleecker & Christopher
Overheard by: grrryphon
Applied Math Majors at 2AM
Black dude #1: Hey, snowflakes!
Black dude #2: Wanna drink some nigga juice tonight?
White chick #1 to friend: Are you sure you feel safe walking back by yourself?
White chick #2: Yeah, I usually don't get harassed this much. I think it's just because there are two of us.
White chick #1: So it's exponential?
White chick #2: Exactly. Right now, we're whiteness, squared.
--116th & Lex
Overheard by: blinded by the light
You've Seen Pulp Fiction Too Many Times
Black guy: ...And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
White guy: Are you trying to mug me or what?
--7 train, 74th St Roosevelt
_UCK O__, YOU _RAZY _UNT
Black woman: You look like Vanna White.
White girl: Really?
Black woman: Don't she look like Vanna White?
Queer: Yes, but better.
Black woman: What do you mean better! Vanna is rich and shit. And on TV. And this bitch over here has nothing. She's on the subway, for Christ's sake!
--Downtown 6 train
Overheard by: JR
No, Seriously -- Let's Hit It
Old Chinese lady: Ex-see-cus-see me.
Old Chinese lady: Ex-see-cus-see me!
Gangsta: Man, what are you excusing me about? Fuck you!
Old Chinese lady: Fuck me? Ok, take-a off the pant.
Stairway in silence.
Old Chinese lady: Ex-see-cus-see me!
Gangsta: Sure thing, ma'am. I'm sorry.
Chinese kid: And that's why we respect our elders.
--Canal St station
He's on His Third Liver Now
Girl: Gross man, you eating White Castle. Nasty.
Guy: Yeah girl, these is good. I love them.
Girl: Guess you won't be loving them when the next time you take a shit, your liver comes out too.
Guy: Man, why you hatin' on White Castle?
Girl: You'll see.
--124th & St. Nicholas
Overheard by: Fred Humphrey
He Shouldn't Stand Near the Tuxes
Black woman: You cut in front of him because he's black!
White woman: I did not, I just didn't see him!
Black woman: You didn't see him because he's too black?
--Bloomingdale's
Baby Got Wednesday One-liners
Well-dressed woman to well-dressed man: It's not my ears, it's your ass.
--3rd Ave between 11th & 12th
Overheard by: Heather DuCharme
Black guy to white girl: Hey, Slim Goodie! I wanna take you home and fatten you up right now! Some KFC, that's all you need to juice that ass up.
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: Sarah Bitchards
Girl to friend: Girl, you know you got a hobbit ass
--Steps outside the Met
Overheard by: Dawn Duffey
And They Love Being Reduced to a Cultural Stereotype
Guy #1: I really think African Americans are bipolar. They all seem to have high self esteem, are hyperactive all the time, and are easily irritable.
Guy #2: Shut up nigga. You know I'm better than those cats.
Guy #1: And they can never hear themselves talking.
--F train
Wednesday One-liners Pose a Danger to Others
Middle-aged Latino woman to younger black woman: Listen, I got rights, ok? I mean I'll do the time for it, I don't care. On this train you gotta give people respect, 'cause everyone's a person. You give 'em respect, then you punch 'em.
--M train
Twentysomething girl on cell: Because I beat the crap out of him, that's why I got fired.
--Continental Ave & Austin St, Forest Hills
Overheard by: Sean Finnerty
Or Just Worn a Gas Mask
Girl #1: I told you I finally got that bag right? It was marked down to $200 and...
Guy: My god! Can you stop talking to me, your breath stinks!
Silence until they exit at 96th St.
Girl #2 to friend: Dang, guys are mad grimey these days. He coulda been a gentleman and offered the sista a stick of gum or something.
--1 train
Overheard by: Shea
They Did It to Confuse You
In a dark movie theater--
Black guy standing up in his seat: Yo! I'm right over here, hurry up and get your ass through the aisle.
Hispanic guy: It's not my problem I can't see you in the dark, cuz you so black! The only the thing I can see is your white t-shirt, but everybody has white on
--Lincoln Center AMC Theater
Overheard by: JKim
He Was Watching Beaches
Black guy #1 listening to cell: Yo, no nigger should leave a weepy message like that. Nigger is soft.
Black guy #2: Stupid nigger.
--19th & 7th
Overheard by: CG
...And How Did You Know?
Old, crazy-looking black dude: The problem, James, is that you're letting pride go to your head!
White college kid whose name probably isn't James: Who are you?
--Times Square station
Seriously. Give It Back.
African-American student: Later Mr. B, stay white and don't let the black man bite!
Mr. B: Ok, Alex, stay black and don't take my wallet.
--NYC Lab School
Week Old Navy?
Black girl #1: Yo, she's not fly! That girl is fresh. Always buying stuff at Old Navy and wearing it the next day.
Black girl #2: Yeah, when I buy clothes, I let them sit in the closet for a week, until I feel like wearing them.
--R train
Was They for Serious?
Hipster girl: I still don't understand why they say "word."
Hipster guy: Well, I think it's because they don't know what word to use. Like, they get so excited they can't say anything else.
Hipster girl: Why don't they just say like, "Wow, that's awesome" or something?
Hipster guy: That just makes you sound like an idiot.
--G train
Overheard by: Justin Fitzgerald
Wednesday One-liners Get Baked
Jamaican woman: Oh mahn, I used to get so high and den turn on dat Spanish channel so loud and just sit in front of it and listen.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Future NYer
Wednesday One-liners City Scenes
Man: When I told her I worked for the State of New York she seemed to
lose interest.
--F train
Chuck Woolery's Wednesday One-liners
Chick: Every time Todd talks to a girl he thinks he's on a date.
--9th Street between 1st & 2nd
Afghanistan is an Early Olympic Favorite
Guy: So then why are guys from the Eastern Europe and black guys so good at basketball?
Dad: Natural selection.
Guy: What?
Dad: They've had to fight to survive. It weeds out the physically inadequate.
Guy: Give me a break. It's the ghetto, not some Hobbesian state of nature; they're not cavemen living in anarchy up there.
--Madison Square Garden
That's a 2000 Year Old Jewish Trick
Black guy: Hey, man, can you tell me how to get to all those buildings over there?
Hipster guy: You mean Manhattan?
Black guy: Yeah.
Hipster guy: Um, you can't walk there from here...unless you can walk on water!
--Williamsburg
He Thinks Those Doggs All Look Alike
White man: Excuse me, has anyone ever told you you look just like that rap guy?
Black guy: You mean Snoop Dogg?
White man: Yeah, him.
Black guy: Yeah, all the time.
White man: Are you related to him?
Black guy: Yeah, he's a distant cousin.
White man: Really? Wow! You must get this all the time.
Black guy: Yeah, even my girlfriend says it.
White man: Well, that must be the reason she dates you. She probably wouldn't date you if you weren't related to him.
--1 train
"It's always snowing in that damn wardrobe!"
Black chick: What'd bring me to? Once you seen Queen Latifah you don't need to see this shit.
Black guy: I'm tryin' to fill you with some culture.
Black chick: Why don't you fill my closet with Prada?
--Ambassador Theatre, West 49th Street
Well, the Stories Were Cooked
Old woman: Man..Oprah done did it! Everyone loves that bitch, man. She was born barefoot in South Carolina and made it still.
Old man #1: Yeah, she's cool.
Old woman: You know what she did? She done gave everyone who was in that hurricane Christina a five hundred dollar baby stroller! She good like that. I love that woman.
Old man #2: Did you see that book guy, what he did to her?
Old woman: Uh-uh, no, what?
Old man #2: Some guy wrote a cookbook on her show--
Old man #1: No, no, man. He wrote a book about being a junkie and being in jail and it was all bullshit. That guy Frey.
Old man #2: Oh...I thought the book was about cooking.
Old woman: Well, his name is Frey.
--Bridge Plaza Clinic, LIC
Overheard by: Willie Hellenbach
It's Like Being in Subway Purgatory
Guy #1: We goin' uptown or downtown?
Guy #2: Nigga, we goin' sideways.
--L train
Girl: I went to Boston this weekend. Mostly just to avoid the L train.
--Williamsburg
Guy: I can't believe I was cockblocked by the L train.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Chelsea Miller
We've Found the Real Killer
Man #1: You dropped your glove, sir.
Man #2: That's how they caught O.J. Simpson, man!
--34th between 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Queenie
Koko Just Gave Them Both the Finger
Black guy: You would like him 'cause he looks like a gorilla, and they are from the Amazon like you.
White girl: Dummy, gorillas are from Africa; you of all people
should know that.
--Liberty between Greenwich & Washington
Dr. King Must Have Been Dreaming
White guy on cell: Yo, shit nigga, this shit the bomb!
Black guy: If you close your eyes, he almost sounds like the real deal.
--Houston & Varick
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
They Call That "Galileo's Disease"
White girl: Since I quit, I have been blowing out the biggest boogers in the mornings.
Black guy: Boogers? I been blowin' moons. Like the moons of Jupiter.
--1 Train
It Must Have Been Cotton
A chick been caught stealing by security. For some inexplicable reason, they let her yell at them.
Chick: This is not the United States of White-ass Bitches; this is the United States of America.
Chick: I'm owed this shirt because I'm black, bitches. I don't owe nothin' to you white folks. I'm owed this shirt because of slavery.
--Banana Republic, Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: helen r.
The Back Seat Driver Only Knows Stick
Chick: You should do it the right way, nigga. You should register that shit yo'self.
Guy: Fuck you, bitch. I'ma find somebody from my church to help me out, and that bitch gonna be suckin' my dick in the back seat, not you.
--DMV, Staten Island
Have a Happy Kwanzaakkah!
Waiter: Hey, wassup? I'm Sean. What's your name?
Girl: Rebecca. Nice to meet you.
Waiter: And you, man?
Guy: Kwanzaa.
Waiter: Hey, by any change you are mixed with Jewish?
Guy: Er, no, everything but.
Waiter: Well...'cause, you know, I'm Jewish.
Guy: ...Okay.
Waiter: Uh, 'cause you know, Kwanzaa's a Jewish Holiday?
Girl: It is? Wow, I didn't know that.
--Diner 24, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: enkie
It Was So Obviously a Piece of Coal
Black woman: My god. This bagel is hard as a rock!...I mean I can't eat this shit. Can you eat this shit?
White guy: I'll eat it.
Black woman: Ugh.
White guy: Well if you dont want to eat it, I'll eat it. I'm hungry.
Black woman: I'm just sayin' it's the worst goddamn bagel I've ever had.
White guy: Honey, it's from Dunkin' Donuts. What do you expect? Domino's ain't good pizza and Olive Garden ain't good Italian, either.
White chick: Dude! Next thing I know you'll be telling her there is no Santa Claus. Go easy.
--Borough Hall 4/5 station
Overheard by: phil j
Is It Crown Heights Day Already?
Jewish man: But I was here first! I was waiting!
Black chick: All right sir, just calm down. It doesn't matter. Get a life.
Jewish man: Why don't you go back to jail?
Black chick: Yeah, and why don't you go get some viagra or something?
Jewish man: Yeah, I'd need it for you.
Black chick: Fuck you, bitch!
--Court Street Office Supplies, Brooklyn Hights
Overheard by: mrmcd
They Do Have Lots of Wings in Asia
A little Asian boy sneezes without covering his mouth.
Black lady: Excuse you!
Asian mom: He's only 3, he didn't know any better.
Black lady: Haven't you heard of bird flu, motherfucka!
--M96 bus
Overheard by: Chris Roberts
Girl #1: I feel like shit. I think I've got the Asian Bird Flu.
Girl #2: Don't you mean Avian Bird Flu?
Girl #1: Whatever.
--56th & Broadway
Overheard by: K.M
Woman: Isn't it here in America?
Teen boy: Naw...it's in Japan. All these people be dying from it. Thank god Bush won't let it in the country.
--Associated Supermarket, Astoria
Overheard by: Demy
He Nailed If I Were a Rich Man
Guy #1: Where's DeShawn at?
Guy #2: Nigga's probably fucking that bitch from Saturday night, that nigga is a pimp.
Guy #3: Nah dude, he's at play practice.
--6 train
The Court Order was Overturned
Guy #1: He's always dressed in Gucci, Versace, and all that shit.
Guy #2: Nigga, if I was skinny I'd wear nice stuff too.
Guy #1: Yeah, I'm sure it's your weight that's keeping you from wearing Gucci.
--Queensboro Plaza station
Overheard by: Preebz
Wednesday One-liners: The Pole
Old man on pay phone: If I see another nigger on this street, I'm gonna rip his dick off and eat it!
--Chambers & Church
Overheard by: Ziggy
Welcome to the Jungle
Black girl: I didn't want to say this in there, but have you noticed how all Mexican men working in bars and restaurants look the same?
White girl #1: Well I bet they all think that white women look the same.
White girl #2: Well all elephants probably look the same to gorillas.
--West 3rd Street & 6th Avenue
I Thought "She" Was Terence Trent D'Arby
Chick #1: You know, a year ago I didn't even know who Tracy Chapman was.
Chick #2: Even I knew who she was, and I'm not even black!
Chick #1: Well, I'm not black in the ways that count. I'm not outwardly, identifiably black...Well, except for my skin color.
--Broadway & 116th
So Does She, He Hoped
Little white girl: Hey, that's a cool pack.
Little black boy: Thanks! Have you ever taken the D train?
Little white girl: No.
Little black boy: It goes all the way to Africa.
--6 train
Overheard by: Nick Kindelsperger
Stopping Anti-Semitism Should Be the Cheap One
Hobo: Anyone got a dollar, anyone got a dollar? Anyone got a dollar, anyone got a dollar?
Lady: Here, take $5. Now get off the train. You givin' us black people a bad name.
--D train
More Like a Pickle
Sober black guy: Oh no, call the ambulance, white man down!
Drunk white guy: I know, I'm such a cracker!
--Lexington & 22nd
Overheard by: Zane Gould
Kid, We're All Sardines in There
Old white man: Go ahead, that's right. Everyone go ahead. Fucking pathetic.
Black girl: Ha, ha. You smell like sardines.
--3 train
Overheard by: Dae Han
As Fucked Up As "Working Her Like a Slave"?
Black chick: ...I will never work with her again. She told me, "you people" mess everything up.
She leaves.
White chick #1: Yeah, did she tell you about the designer that was racist to her?
White chick #2: No! That's so rude.
White chick #1: Yeah, I know. Even though she makes it kind of easy to be racist, that is so fucked up!
--Office ladies' room, 39th & 7th
Can't We All Just Do What Rodney King Said?
Black woman: I'll mess you up! I'll be waiting for you downstairs, you man-on-man faggot! White trash!
White queer: You don't scare me! I've dealt with the feds, I can
deal with you!
--Welfare office, Boerum Hill
Overheard by: Sheep Overhearder
Black woman: Take that bag off your back.
White man: All it takes are two words: "excuse" and "me".
Black woman: I'm not saying nothing to you.
White man: Sorry, I see that you only use your mouth for one thing, and that's sucking dick.
Black woman: You are so rude. Take that back.
White man: Okay, I am sorry. I take it back. You also use your mouth for eating, as seen by the size of your enormous ass.
--4/5 train
Wednesday One-liners Need an Accountant
Black woman on cell: Listen nigga, I want my money. And don't just be giving it to me in drips and drabs...I want a lump sum, motherfucker. A luuuuump sum!
--145th & St. Nicholas
Overheard by: James OBrien
The Urban Statler and Waldorf
Black teen boy #1: What the hell is this?
Black teen boy #2: What are you, stupid? This is what they call
misinterpretive dancing.
--Union Square
I'm Sure the Reenacting Didn't Help
Black chick #1: So you didn't get the job?
Black chick #2: Nah, I fucked up. I shouldn't have told them I drank when I was younger. I really didn't drink.
--26th & 7th
Overheard by: max
Someone Needs to Hire a Closet Organizer
Black teen boy #1: I think that dude is gay. His brother said that he saw him in the backyard with this other dude, who pulled his pants down and started jerking it right there.
Black teen boy #2: I don't want to hear this.
Black teen boy #1: No, so this dude's jerking off, and when he finally finishes, he shoots it right at the other dude.
Black teen boy #2: I told you, I don't want to hear this.
Black teen boy #1: No, so he's totally gay, because instead of beating him up, you know what he did?...No, instead of beating him up for shooting his shit on him, he pulled down his pants and peed on him.
Black teen boy #2: You are embarrassing yourself.
Black teen boy #1: That's just what his brother told me.
--Q train
Woman: Okay, maybe your cousin's not gay...but he's more in touch with his inner faggot than any straight man I've ever known.
--Key Food, 4th & A
Teen girl #1: So she hooked up with him, and then a few months later he came out that he's gay! So she hooked up with a gay guy!
Teen girl #2: Big deal, I've hooked up with like 3 gay guys.
--2 train
Guy #1: You know, I'm really into the color purple lately. Does that mean I'm gay?
Guy #2: Nah, purple's all right with me.
Guy #1: Maybe it's because of my childhood crush on Whoopi Goldberg.
--Essex & Houston
Guy #1: I'm not gay, dude.
Guy #2: Yes you are. I see you giving me those looks at work.
Guy #1: You know what? You're right. So right here, right now, in front of God and the N train, will you go out wih me?
Guy #2: Shit man, I was kidding. You really are a fag.
--N train
Overheard by: Lydia Melamedas
Wednesday's One-liners for Christina Aguilera
Black guy: Man, nigga, you're really dirty. I mean, you're a slob, nigga. You're...you're a fucking Mexican.
--Union Square
The Rejected UNCF Advertising Character
Black guy #1: How many credits are you taking this semester?
Black guy #2: 12.
Black guy #1: Why so few credits?
Black guy #2: What do you mean, why so few credits?
Black guy #1: Yeah, why so few credits?
Black guy #2: Tuition, nigga!
--B52 bus
Overheard by: Andrea Quijano
F--king with the Imports (NYC Short Stories)
Tourist lady: Does this A train go to Jamaica?
NY chick: The A train doesn't go to Jamaica.
Tourist lady: Is this the A train?
NY chick: Yes.
Tourist lady: And it goes to Jamaica?
NY chick: The A train does not go to Jamaica.
Tourist lady: But I need the A train.
NY chick: This is it.
Tourist lady: I need the A train to Jamaica.
NY chick: The A train does not...Oh forget it. This is your train, lady, get on!
--Times Square station
Overheard by: Cat
Tourist guy: Do you live here?...Excuse me, do you live here?
Black woman: Yeah, what do you want?
Tourist guy: Is this the 6 train?
Black woman: Yeah, sure.
Tourist guy: So it will take me to Grand Central?
Black woman: Yeah, no doubt...But it's weekend, so you never know where the train is going to take you.
--Q train
Overheard by: Josh
He Knows What Today Is
Black cyclist guy: Where's all the black people around here? Did y'all eat all the black people?
White girl: They taste yummy!
--Houston & West Broadway
Overheard by: alyssa
I'm Glad I'm Not Alone on This
White guy: God! This is taking forever!
Black guy: Hey man, you don't like it then go back to Omaha or Ohio or whatever square state you're from.
White guy: But I'm from Brooklyn.
Black guy: Then act like it!
--Whitehall SI Ferry terminal
Never, Ever Smoke Mustelid Hair
Black guy #1: I got all depressed after I lost my hair.
Black guy #2: You what?
Black guy #1: My hair; I got depressed when I lost it.
Black guy #2: I didn't know you had a ferret!
Black guy #1: Shit yeah, but halfway through I decided to shave it.
Black guy #2: You shaved a fucking ferret? What the hell you do that for, nigga?
Black guy #1: I just hated losing it, so I shaved it.
Black guy #2: Man, I'm fucked up.
Black guy #1: Me too.
--Union Square Regal Cinemas men's room
Wednesday One-liners Endorse Eugenics
White girl: That's terrible! The only thing I want my kids to be that I'm not is half-black.
--Columbia University
I Knew There Was Something to Blacula
Guy: Why do all the white people in Harlem disappear at night?
Chick: 'Cause that's when we all wake up?
--125th & 7th
Why Even the Rich Love Public Transportation Here
A black guy with a boom box comes on the train.
Boom box guy: This next song is for everyone who don't feel good about himself when he get up in the morning. You gotta know that everyone is beautiful in they own right, and when you get up you gotta feel smoove.
He starts playing a song on the boom box and sings along. He and his three friends bop their heads to the beat and try to get other passengers to sing too. Then the conductor begins to makes an announcement. Boom box guy lowers the music.
Boom box guy: Everyone best be listening to what the man has to tell us.
--6 train
Girl: Excuse me. Excuse me.
Man: No.
--Whitehall SI Ferry terminal
Looks Like "Like White on Rice" is Over
Black guy #1: Ooh, ladies? Konichiwa!
Black guy #2: Arigato!
Asian girl: We're Korean, motherfuckers!
Black guy #1: Sayonara!
--7th & A
Overheard by: M!J
Black guy: Yo, I'd fuck the Chinese out of those bitches.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: JD
He Thinks the Cones are Sort of Kitschy
Bodega guy: Hey, weren't you at the Mets game?
Black guy: I'd rather be at a motherfuckin' Ku Klux Klan rally.
--Bodega, Market & Monroe
Overheard by: benjamin lightle
Wednesday One-liners Don't Belong There
Black guy: Three-quarters of that thing was up his ass. That nigga was fucked up for life. Mentally, physically...
--Lexington & 53rd
That's Always Been More of a Written Tongue
Black guy: Yo, can I get a dollar for a hot dog?
White guy: Sorry. This is my last fiver.
White woman: Here ya go.
Black guy: That'll do.
White woman: You could at least say thank you.
Black guy: I did. I was speaking ebonics.
--Gray's Papaya, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: CRE
That's Pretty Much What They Invented Clubs For
Two guys and a girl are walking down a street when a strange man sitting in an office chair rolls toward them.
Chair guy: Ah, this girl got two boyfriends! Mmm...Can a black man join the club? Can...a black man....join the club. Join the club.
--4th & Jane
Overheard by: marissa
My Shit Only Has Dental Coverage
Guy #1: So she fine?
Guy #2: Yeah, man, and get this, dog: she's got full benefits!
Guy #1: Yo man, you better marry that shit!
--Elevator, 42nd & Madison
Overheard by: Manny M
Girl #1: So $120 of antibiotics later, my cat should be just fine.
Girl #2: Doesn't your cat have health insurance?
Girl #1: Yes, but it doesn't cover prescription drugs.
Girl #2: Do they offer that type of coverage?
Girl #1: If anyone's getting an optional rider prescription drug plan in my apartment, it's going to be me.
--Inwood
Overheard by: Melissa Mink
She Hasn't Been Elected Yet
Black guy: Clinton was the closest we ever had to a black president!
Black girl: Aw, shit! Clinton is my nigga!
--Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: FTrainIsFunTrain
It Stands for Keeping Us Safe from the Terrorists
White mom: Does this train stop at Canal Street?
Black guy: Yeah, it goes there, it goes there. It's not going there anytime soon. 'Cause you know what the MTA stands for? Might Take Awhile.
--E train
I'd Guess Not Unlike Star Jones
Woman #1: ...she's also a lesbian.
Woman #2: Really?
Woman #1: Yeah. She's a black Jewish lesbian mother.
Woman #2: ...What do the kids look like?
--Central Park reservoir track
Slang: The Right Way and the Wrong Ways
Lady #1: Look at all these kids! I feel so old...I can't date in this city any more.
Lady #2: Are you kidding? Listen, honey, let me tell you...I just finished my starter marriage, and I've been dating like crazy!
--6 train
Overheard by: BBW
Girl #1: Look at my new ring! Isn't it shiny and big?
Girl #2: Omigod. When did you get it?
Girl #1: Yesterday, my manlover gave it to me.
Girl #2: "Manlover"?
Girl #1: Yeah, he's not a boy or my friend, hence manlover.
--F train
Overheard by: fridayweasel
Black chick #1: I told her to keep her badussy hands off my sandwich
Black chick #2: "Badussy"?
Black chick #1: Yeah, It's like butt and pussy.
--Union Square
Guy: No, I mean I could but it's not going to change the fact that he did it and he's probably just going to do it again at some point.
Girl: But you could still gain the satisfaction of telling him he's a bitch-ho.
--6 train
Girl #1: I'm on the brown; it stinks.
Girl #2: Brown?
Girl #1: You know, when your period is ending.
--Q train
Is "Women" the Answer You're Looking For?
Black lady: He has a degree in computer science, just like his mama. He's teaching at some school for the mentally retarded. Can you believe that? Teaching computer science to retards: who would do that?
--J. Crew dressing room, Prince Street
Next Wednesday One-liners
Queer on cell: Oh my God, did you hear? Liz has a date...yeah, with a guy...a straight guy...
--Time Warner Center
Overheard by: Cole
Suit on cell: Hi, I'm in Chelsea. I just bought the We Love Disco CD and two porn magazines.
--22nd between 7th & 8th
Black guy: Damn, those horses is gay.
--Times Square
Overheard by: seth scott barkley
Queer on cell: Hey, I got here early. The Starbucks is closed for renovations, so why don't we just skip to the blowjob?
--7th & Grove
Chick: He was getting blown by a trannie and right before he came he said, "get out of my car, you faggot" and that's how he knew he wasn't gay.
--W Hotel bar, Union Square
Overheard by: Somebody nowhere
Guy: I mean, he's weird. He'll let me make out with him, but he won't share his salsa.
--Bond & Lafayette
Queer: First of all, if I was going to have an orgy at four in the morning, I would not have carne asada first. Pttth! Second of all...um...carne asada is not pre-orgy food.
--Barrage, West 47th Street
Overheard by: Nick Salvato
Queer: I'm never having sex with another virgin again. When the virgin is on the receiving end it can be such a pain in the...yeah.
--Bleecker & Macdougal
Woman on cell: Mom, he doesn't have an accent, he's gay!
--Madison & 52nd
Bet His Pubes Are Big, Thick and Woodsy
Latina: Who you think got a bigger dick, A-Rod or Jeter?
Black chick: Thats a good one. I'm gonna say Jeter cause he half black.
Latina: True, true...
Black chick: Tiger Woods is half black too, but I bet he got a little rice dick.
--South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Greg Sampson
I Suppose Human Decency Needs to Be Requested
White girl: I'm sorry, I don't have any money.
Black guy: I didn't ask you for nuthin', lady!
--57th & Lexington
I Hope She Doesn't Hanker for a Seeing-Eye Dog
Black chick: Yeah, I broke my sister's knee with a baseball bat.
White chick: Wow, me and my sister had some bad fights but your's top all our fights. You must really hate each other.
Black chick: No, I did it out of love.
White chick: What do you mean?
Black chick: My sister's in the Army Reserve. They called her unit up to go to Iraq. I hit her on purpose so she wouldn't have to go. I had to hit her twice to make sure her knee was broken.
--Tillary Street, Downtown Brooklyn
You Know, Entertainment is Also Available in Book Form
White woman: Do you have a middle name?
Black guy: James. James Bond.
White woman: What?
Black guy: James Bond.
White woman: You're fired!
--Broadway & Cortlandt
Overheard by: Stephie Russell
Everyone Blows Noodles When They're Really Drunk
Girl #1: Yo, that girl is nasty. She blew her dog.
Girl #2: No, she didn't. She and her Mamas had sex with Duquan together.
Girl #1: No! Trick! That wasn't her. She blew a dog. I saw it.
Girl #2: She blew Noodles?
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Anna May M. Abris
If You Thought Pot/Kettle, You're As Bad As Them
Black lady #1: I'm still waiting for that African guy to get back.
Black lady #2: You mean the guy with the crazy kids running all around? Those kids were wild.
Black lady #1: Well you know those people, they aren't used to being indoors.
Black lady #2: Yeah they used to running all around in the jungle.
--Central Post Office, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: Baby Bee
That's Clearly What's Written There
White guy: Yo, what up my nigga?
Black guy: Chillin', bro.
White chick #1: Did you hear what he just said?
White chick #2: Yeah, but it's OK, he said nigga, not nigger.
--Sullivan Street
Overheard by: Uncle Ray Ray
I'm Sure He Has Just the Job for Her
Black guy #1: She's beautiful. Somewhere between Faith Evans and Beyonce.
Black guy #2: Faith Evans? That don't sound beautiful.
Black guy #1: Well you know, shape of the face is like Faith, and she's got that hair and skin like Beyonce. But she's really smaller than Faith. Her body is amazing. She's Caribbean.
Black guy #2: Oh. Yes. Caribbean. They do good work.
Black guy #1: Mm-hmm. They do good work all right. Good work!
--Madison Square Park
It's a Word That Only White People Can Call Each Other
White kid: I got into a full-on debate with a friend of mine over the N-word.
Black kid: I learn a lot of SAT words from you, so tell me: what is a
fulondevay?
--Brooklyn Debate Resource Center, East Flatbush
Overheard by: Lydia
At Least We Know the Korean Guy Doesn't Hate Chinese People
2 Black teens sit at a table together, comparing the shopping they've just done. One gets up to ask for a cigarette from a middle-aged Asian dude sitting nearby. The Asian dude ignores the teen.
Black teen #1: Man, I hate Chinese people.
Black teen #2: Yo son, watch what you're saying. Look around you.
Black teen #1: I don't give a shit, man! I fucking hate
Chinese people.
Black teen #2: Besides, I'm pretty sure they're Korean.
--Greenstreets, 32nd & Broadway
Overheard by: enkie
Wednesday One-liners Need Relationship Counseling
Black guy: I ain't saying I love her, but I got feelings for the bitch.
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Rick Segall
Fratboy: Fuck the afterlife. I want my 72 virgins now.
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Djlindee
Shoplady on phone: Oh, so did she tell you about her sex? Well, she told me...I mean, she's ugly but it's good to know even ugly people can have good imaginary sex.
--Barbara Feinman Millinery, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Sarah C
Jamaican lady: We don't fuck for enjoyment, we fuck for love.
--Washington Heights
Guy on cell: You had sex with my sister!...Well was she any good?...Where the hell did she learn that nifty trick?
--Times Square
Guy: Oh, you should come by the soup kitchen I run. There are no homeless people. Only real estate people. I used to go...I would go on Wednesday (snaps fingers) and I'd have a date for Saturday.
--Union Squre theatre
Suit: Marriage is so fucking out in banking right now. I was engaged for a while, just because I wanted to plant my seed, you know. But that didn't work out.
--Wall Street
Overheard by: Black Red Yellow NYC
New York City Subway Stories
Conductor #1: This is 34th Street. Transfer is available to the B, Q, D...B...Q...Penn Station...D--
Conductor #2: Move over. D, Q, N, R. Stand clear.
--F train
Overheard by: Cole Couture
Hipster: Did the train just pass 28th street?
Woman: Yes, it went express, but you could get off at 14th and switch to the uptown train.
Homeboy: Or you could take your chances, break the window with a crowbar and jump out now.
--1 train
Overheard by: Hayley
Man: This won't do. All bad smelling people get the hell off the train.
At the next stop most of the car clears out.
Man: That's what I'm talking about.
--A train
A Black kid and his Hispanic girlfriend are arguing on the train. The kid is holding her in the seat and she is trying to rip off his shirt. The entire car is watching, as if it were a car wreck.
Hispanic girl: You're always showing off!
Black kid: What?
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black kid: Stop it!
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black passenger guy: Man, why's it always gotta be our people pulling this shit? You never see White people pulling this shit. You never see Chinese people pulling this shit. Man!
--C train
Two women were sitting next to each other, one clearly from New York, the other not. The tourist woman gestured with her chin at the conductor's booth and asked: Is that the bathroom?
--A train
Don't Forget the Ironic Lawn Jockeys!
Black guy #1: I don't want a fucking lawn.
Black guy #2: But that's the American dream.
Black guy #1: I swear, you have become such a bitch since you moved to Georgia.
Black guy #3: Yeah, that nigga's got a screen door.
--West 4th between Sullivan & MacDougal
Because the Temptations Are Too Great
A buppie is parking his BMW, blasting a '50s rock 'n roll tune out the window.
Thug: Why a nigga wanna be listenin' to that shit?
--Brooklyn Heights
Jingle Those Keys and You'll Attract Some Bitch
Black guy #1: Ya know the only way to get a girl these days is to have a hot car.
Black guy #2: Yeah.
Black guy #1: I could get the keys, but not the car.
--N train
I Don't Think This is What Rosa Parks Meant
An Asian woman is talking loudly on her cell phone
Fat Black lady: You need to move to the back of the damn bus. We don't wanna hear that ching-chang ching-chong bullshit!
--Q34 bus
Overheard by: Lauren
No, Because Ricin Clears People Out Like You Wouldn't Believe
Black girl: Oh my God, this train is crowded.
Japanese guy: In Tokyo, the trains are much more crowded than this!
Black girl: Why? 'cause they can fit so many more of you little guys on it?
--6 train
Overheard by: Carri
Wednesday One-liners Make an Ass of Themselves
Queer: As my grandmother used to say, you've got one fuckable ass.
--Marie's Crisis, Grove Street
Overheard by: catherine
Hobo: How you doin'? How you doin'? I'm doin' good. Yeah, you know I'm doin' good, cause I'm lookin' good! And you know why I look good? 'cause I clean mah ass!
--1 train
Overheard by: Alex Valentine
NYU chick: All this work is going to fuck me in the ass so much my boyfriend won't be able to.
--Silver Building, Waverly Place
Chick: I can't believe how much he charged me for this disposable camera. I was like, "Why don't you fuck me up the ass while you're at it?"
--55th & 3rd
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Black guy: Damn, it smells like open ass around here.
--Canal & Broadway
Overheard by: Daniel
Brother Gets Around
Garage guy: Yo, how much is the subway now?
Dude: Two motherfuckin' dollars.
Garage guy: Fuck that. A gallon of gas is less than that.
Dude: Dumbass, if you had a car, you would know that gas is more than $2.
Garage guy: Well, I don't.
Dude: No shit, dumbass.
Garage guy: My bitch do...ha, ha, ha.
--Park Slope parking garage
Overheard by: Jim Chambers
NYC: One Fucking Big Happy Family
Drunk White hobo: Aw man, fucka that shit.
Hispanic deli chef: Man, you don't have to say that to me. I am your brother.
Drunk White hobo: You're right, brother...I am sorry, my brother.
--34th street deli between 8th & 9th
Black dude #1: Shut up, nigga.
Black dude #2: What the fuck. Don't call me nigga. I'm Puerto Rican. Call me a spic.
Black dude #3: Stop using that offensive language! No wonder everyone on this train is staring at us. We are all God's children. We all bleed the same. Aren't we all god's children?
White woman: Pardon?
Black dude #3: Aren't we all god's children?
White woman: Well, yes.
Black dude #3: You see!
--1 train
Wednesday One-liners Know How to Get Around
Bus driver: The stop after this will be the next one. We should be arriving in a week to ten days.
--M42 bus
Overheard by: Dan Alcalde
Transit cop: I guess I'll pretend to do something here.
--Queens Plaza station
Conductor: Passengers, please do not use your valuables, or your child, to stop the train doors from closing!
--1 train
Black guy: I got me a ghetto Gold Card, son. It'll get you on the train, it'll get you on the bus.
--A train
Overheard by: Timothy C
Loudspeaker: Would anyone that speaks Chinese please report to the Amtrak Information booth in the center of the Terminal? Anyone that speaks Chinese.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: P. Mills
Chick: The cabdriver wouldn't let us leave the cab unless I showed him
my tits. That is so my away message tomorrow!
--LIRR train
Overheard by: Steve Carbo
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the delay in landing the aircraft, but the air traffic controller here at LaGuardia is an angry, bitter man.
--over LaGuardia
Overheard by: Dana Clair
Crazy in the Head, Crazy in the Bed
Asian guy: She's crazy. She's obsessed with death!
Pudgy White guy: But she's hot.
Black guy: So what?
Pudgy White guy: Yeah, she's crazy...but she's hot. They kind of balance each other out, you know?
--F train
Overheard by: emdashes
Boyfriend: What about kitty?
Girlfriend: Oh, I could eat kitty. No really, I could make a great stir-fry with the cat.
Boyfriend: You would eat my cat?
Girlfriend: Ah, that would be a great way to get at you: eat your cat.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard Goes to the Cinema
Girl #1: He fine.
Girl #2: Who? Anakin?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Girl #2: Finer den Usher?
Girl #1: Nah, nobody finer den Usher.
--The Pavilion, Park Slope
Black guy: Yo, fuck the Jedi. It's all about the Dark Side. I'm the other Dark Lord you've been looking for.
--86th & Lexington
Overheard by: Joshua S.
Girl: Oh my god, all this time I thought I was a Buddhist, but I'm really a Sith.
--UA movie theater, Union Square
Overheard by: Lara Evangelista
Except That The Jungle Is Natural
Gay Black guy #1: Oh my god, I sooo have jungle fever. Do I look good with him?
Gay Black guy #2: It's so weird.
Gay Black guy #1: What, we don't look good together?
Gay Black guy #2: No, yeah, it's just that, he's really white and you're like, extra black, so it's like really jungle fever.
--D train
Wednesday One-liners Are the Chosen People
Player: Girl, your nose is like a Seinfeld episode.
--The Gate, Park Slope
A hobo sits with a HUNGRY JEW sign and begs: Lox, bagels, cream cheese? Lox, bagels, cream cheese?
--Broadway & 80th
Producer: Is Purim the holiday where they dress up? There was this little girl with an eyepatch and I was like, "Arr, you're a pirate?" and her mom was like, "Actually, she had her eye put out."
--27th street office
JAP on cell: I give up. I have been posting personal ads looking for "tall, dark and handsome" and all I ever end up with is "short, hairy, Jewish". I guess I should just accept my fate.
--Starbucks, 48th & 3rd
Black guy: I ain't Jewish, so I don't be doin' no Yom Kippur.
--D train
Overheard by: Nash Astor
Wednesday One-liners & the Race Question
Mother: He played basketball in college but since he's a white boy he's got no rhythm so he wasn't very good.
--Chambers Street station
Guy: Yo, shit ain't no country called blacknasia or whatever the fuck you said. Black people a color not a race!
--G train
Overheard by: J-Mo
Fat Black woman: You not letting me in? I been here for half an hour watching all these other girls just walk right by....what, you gonna let them in too?! That's when I just gotta say, "Hey, that's why I hate white people!"
--Marquee, 10th & 26th
Overheard by: Katie
Guy: We need to Montgomery bus strike their asses.
--190th Street station, rush hour
Black guy: I was spook! I was spook. Now, not spook like my people or nothin', spook like a ghost or a ghoul or some shit.
--L train
The Wednesday One-liners NYC Tour Guide
Black woman: This here is Chelsea. It's where all the rich homosexuals live.
--18th Street between 7th & 8th
Teenage kid: There are some hot Chinese bitches at this stop, son!
--Fulton Street G station
Overheard by: Thomas Bugarin
Woman: Well, I'm in Soho now...
--Union Square
Overheard by: Davis McDavis
Queer: Oh, I went to Queens once. By accident. I was coming back from La Guardia and the taxi driver said he was taking me on a shortcut.
--Starlight, Avenue A
Overheard by: Lukas
Thug: Next stop: Ghettoville, USA! That's real America, none of this Japanese-American bullshit. Mmmm...smell that? Smells like the East Village!
--A train
Guy: This is the new Wall Street Times building.
--41st & 8th construction site
Man: See, that's the one. If I was gonna write it a letter, I would begin, "Dear Ugliest Building in New York City".
--Westin Hotel, Times Square
Overheard by: Kayla Cagan
Guy on cell: Bond Street? It's north of Houston Street so it's not in Soho. But I don't know what the neighborhood is called.
--City Hall Park
Come to New York! It's Safe, Really!
Black woman: You don't go in there, girl, that's the men's bathroom! If you go in there, they're going to rape you! And don't think that they wouldn't, because they will! They're going to put you down on the floor and rape you and your daughter! You listen to me, girl!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: James Levinsohn
Husband: Yeah, keep walking! You know you can't come back this way. They kill you here! They don't just kill you, they kill everyone here!
--Central Park
Wall Street is the New Chelsea
A well-dressed African-American businessman passes.
Thug #1: He a faggot.
Thug #2: Yo, shut up, man. That faggot got money!
--19th & 7th
Overheard by: Manhattman
Not Counting the Two Hands
Black dude: Yo, you shoulda seen this baby. It was like 42 inches long.
Spanish chick: Yo, no way. That's like almost 2 feet.
--Q train
Literacy: The Most Offensive Ghetto Stereotype
HS girl #1: I read five books a week and my parents get mad at me because it costs them a lot of money.
HS girl #2: I read like five books a week too, but I get mine from the library.
HS girl #1: Oh, that's ghetto.
--Times Square
Fat Black guy: They ain't got nuthin' in here for someone from the ghetto!
--Starbucks, Astor Place Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Dan Avery
You Keep Saying It, We'll Keep Posting It
Black girl: Some motherfucker put me on this site called overheardinnewyork.com. It's so fucked up. Why would anyone put what I said on the streets to a site? This shit is not fucking funny.
Black guy: What was put up? I gotta check this out, this shit sounds funny.
Black girl: You were there, it was the time I told this Chinese nigger to apologize and he ended up telling me to go fuck myself, and it was posted by some motherfucker called Ting. Is that even a real fucking name?
Black guy: Yeah, I remember that, that shit was hilarious.
Black girl: Fuck you laughing at? Don't make me rip your balls out.
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: Ting (again!)
She Meant the Melanin
White girlfriend: You've got something on your face.
Black boyfriend: It's probably your hatred.
--Barnes & Noble, 8th Street
Overheard by: m-Co
It's Lunchtime, New York!
Black guy: I want pork fried rice with fried wonton, a shrimp roll, and wonton soup...Hey! Did you hear me?!
Counter lady: Yes, yes...pork spare ribs.
--Chinese takeout, Madison & Rutgers
Overheard by: Joe R
Tastes Nothing Like Chicken
Black guy #1: How'd you know the tornado was by your house?
Black guy #2: 'Cause I walked out back and the tree was blowing like a fuck. Then I walked out front and the wind wasn't even blowing.
Black guy #1: Damn, cuz. But anyway, since you're from the country, how do I get these pigeons to go away?
Black guy #2: With a hot grill.
--Astoria
Overheard by: Dj wan-two
Wednesday One-liners Stand Behind the White Line
Black man: What is that, a raincoat? You should hang onto that. You never know when it might come back into style.
--M15 bus
Overheard by: Palaverist
Driver: Step allll the way in the back please! All the way in the back! There's some cheese and crackers there.
--M42 bus
Overheard by: Vas Sloutchevsky
Puerto Rican chick: That mothafucka's crazy. I ain't puttin' that in my butt.
--B46 bus
Overheard by: Jennifer Hess
Staten Island Just Keeps Getting Classier
Staten Island chick: These kids used to go the playground by my house and wind a rope around the merry-go-round and then tie it to the bumper of their car and drive away so the thing would spin outta control--like really fast--until one time some girl got thrown like 20 feet and she died. Then they took it out.
Brother #1: What? Wait, she died? How old was she? Like a kid? How old? How old?
Brother #2: She was 92. She had a full life so you really can't feel all that bad.
--50th & 6th
Make Sure You're Not That Someone Today
Black guy on cell: Yeah, man, you know. I don't do that stuff no more, y'know what I'm sayin'? I used to, but I leave all that stuff in the past. I know where it's all at, though, in case I have to go back to it, I can, y'know? I can still work it so if they fuck up, someone ain't gonna see they momma in the mornin', y'know?
--Metro North train
Overheard by: Mike Sidoti
Nothing Quite as Cultured as Interjecting with a Slur
White guy: Alien vs. Predator was such a bad movie.
Black guy: Tell me something. Where do Alien and Predator come from?
White guy: What do you mean? They come from somebody's imagination, of course.
Black guy: No, I mean what movies they came from.
White guy: You are aware that there was a movie called Alien and there was another called Predator.
Black guy: Nope, never even heard of them.
Old man: Learn the culture, nigger!
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: Ting
NYC: 1000 Cultures, 1000 Stereotypes
Short guy: You from Guyana?
Black chick: Yes, I am.
Short guy: Damn! I can always tell a Guyanese woman!
Black chick: Oh yeah? How?
Short guy: By your front teeth. You all have that funny gap thing going on. See? You got it too!
--3 train
Overheard by: Karen Seiger
Build a Relationship with Wednesday One-liners
Woman: Every time I date Greek men I get fat...Every single time!
--South Cove, Battery Park City
Guy on cell: I know man, sometimes I wish you were her husband instead of me.
--Starbucks, Union Square West
Overheard by: alison
Chick on cell: ...so I said, "Stop calling me. It was a one night stand."
--F train
Black queer: So who is this guy, anyway? Has anybody even met this guy you say you're dating? Or is he like that "Bob" guy you put in your car so you can drive in the H.O.V. lane?
--Times Square
Guy: She has...two one-eyed cats. She's never getting engaged.
--Madison Square Park
Hence Shonen Knife's Tomato Head
Black chick: Hey, come here, look. Did you know that Asians can't drink? Look at her face. It's all red.
--Diesel, West Broadway
Kind of a Lapsed Jew
Jewish guy: You know, all the famous people are Jewish, like Einstein, and--
Black guy: Man, shut the fuck up, what the fuck is wrong with you? Ain't you ever heard of Martin Luther King, Jr.? He ain't Jewish; hell, that motherfucker ain't even white. Jesus Fucking Christ!
Jewish guy: Very good! Jesus Christ!
--E train
Overheard by: Ting
"No, but I did put you in handcuffs and beat you."
A black man and black woman sitting on a bench talking. A white guy walks by and the black man screams out: Hey, don't I know you? Hey! Don't I know you?
White guy: Naw, you don't know me.
Black guy: Sure I do.
White guy: Oh yeah? How do you know me?
Black guy: Didn't you arrest me once?
--136th & St. Nicholas
Careful, He Wants You to Drop Your Guard
A large bearded black man is holding a big white sign that reads: NINJAS KILLED MY FAMILY. I NEED $$ TO LEARN KUNG-FU AND GET REVENGE.
Drunk yuppie: Ha, ha. So dude, are you really going to become a ninja?! Ha, ha!
Black guy: Nah, man. This is just for humor. This ain't for real.
--Broadway & 76th
Overheard by: M-Co
Out of Towners: Meet the Black Israelites
Black Israelite: I blame all our problems on white people, you fucking cock-sucking slave owners. My kippa brothers are gonna get you, you hear me?! They gon' get you.
--125th St. & 4th Ave.
Overheard by: Ting
9 Months Later, They Had a Sicilian
Italian guy: Oh, fuck. My metrocard ran out. Think I can get on anyway?
Black bus driver: Yeah! But I'm sendin' Tony and Joey to come collect later!
Italian guy: Word, homey.
--M14 bus
You've Got to Pamper Them...Literally
Old black guy #1: You got to take care of your lady.
Old black guy #2: Uh huh.
Old black guy #1: Every now and then you got to let her do her nails, do her hair and wash her ass...
Old black guy #2: Uh huh!
--Avenue A between 1st and 2nd Street
No! Focus on Hating the White Devil!
Black chick: Watch who you pushing! You pushing me ever again, I'm gonna Bruce Lee your ass, motherfucker! Say you're sorry, chink!
Chinese guy: Go fuck yourself!
--Utopia Parkway
Overheard by: Ting
Develop a Relationship with Wednesday One-liners
Woman: I'm so sick of boyfriends. I want to be single forever. Fingers and vibrators are it!
--43rd St. & 10th Ave.
Overheard by: Jenn X
Girl on cell: I'm telling you, the MTA is like a bad boyfriend. You're all dressed up and ready to go and the fucking train doesn't even show up! And the worst part is the next time you totally show up again, ready to go and just have to hope to God that the stupid train shows up. What the hell is that?
--45th & 8th
Black girl: It felt like I was losing my virginity all over again. That was some King Kong kind of shit.
--E train
Overheard by: Philip
Racialist Wednesday One-liners
Chick on cell: You know what's weird? You're a nigger but in pictures you look like a white boy. Why is that?
--F train
Overheard by: Julie
Black guy on cell: They black people down there! I'm from New York, I don't know nothing about black people!
--Boerum Hill bodega
A Black man with a cane approaches a white girl sitting on steps and says: Have you ever, since the day you were born till the minute you woke up this morning, desired a black man?
--18th & 8th
Girl: I don't want to be racist. I mean, not out loud.
--Broadway & Houston
Cashier: I am so sick of Destiny's Child!
--Virgin Megastore, Union Square
"I'll teach you the meaning of bon pain."
Little old man: Hold on! That card is full, so I get one free.
Jamaican lady: I know! I see!
Little old man: Don't be gettin' fresh with me either.
Jamaican lady: Or what? What you goin' do?
--Au Bon Pain, Broad Street
Overheard by: Mark S.
Nothing is More Hilarious Than Extreme Disease
Big booty girl #1: Bubble Boy. I love that movie.
Big booty girl #2: Yeah me, too.
Big booty girl #1: No, I really love that movie.
Big booty girl #2: Yeah, it's funny.
Big booty girl #1: That used to be my ex-boyfriend and me's movie...but that's not why I love it.
--Times Square
Today, He is Truly an African-American
Black guy: Good god. I had to actually work today.
Indian chick: By "work" you obviously mean taking credit for the many hours of hard labor endured by my fellow Indian IT brethren who report to you. You exploiting bastard.
Black guy: Ha, ha. Like slavery. But I'm Black.
Indian chick: Oh, the wicked irony.
Black guy: Word.
--Wall Street
Overheard by: drama
The NYC Subways (A Very Short Story)
Hobo: Stop making the fucking announcements twice, you cocksuckers. Fucking close the doors, don't just keep them opening and shutting again! You muthafuckas! I need to fucking get home! I need to fucking feed my fish, yo! Fish need to eat too! Now have you seen those pigeons around the city? They carry mad disease...Where are you from, muthafucka? Pennsylvania? Oh, you must be a smart son of a bitch! Oh fuck! Close the doors you muthafucka! I need to feed my fish! Suck my balls!
The doors finally close.
Hobo: It's about fucking time! We're riding slower than if I was on a turtle's back! And local stops too! My fucking fish are gonna fucking die! I should just make a goddamn goldfish sandwich with mayonnaise!
A Black guy comes through the car doors from the car behind and observes the hobo.
Black guy: Oh damn. Two wackos on one train? That's too much.
Hobo: Close the door, please...cocksucker...Por. Favor.
--E train
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
That Place Being Any NYC Taxi
Asian guy: But it's the 21st century!
White guy: That's true, but there's always a place for racism.
--13th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: E. Jung
A preppy boy whistles and waves at a cab. The cab ignores him, and as it passes the boy yells: What's your problem, am I Black or something?
--Park & 55th
Moms Love Wednesday One-liners
Pregnant chick: You know when I pop this bitch out it is on. Get me a drink!
--2/3 train
Mother: Come here. You're seven years old and you can't fasten your own shoelaces? No more video games for your black ass.
--W. 53rd & 10th
Overheard by: James Shannon
Queer: You know, she sent her children to England, so they'd learn how to pronunciate words correctly.
--Angelo's, 55th Street
The Wrath of Chaka Khan
Homie #1: Damn! Shorty set the phasers on stun!
Homie #2: Shields up!
--Union Square station
Producer guy #1: So it's like when a Trekkie sees Patrick Stewart and immediately yells "There's Captain Kirk."
Producer guy #2: Oh, you're right! Maybe we should just stick to that hip-hop audience you were talking about. Forget the Trekkies.
--Katz's Deli, Houston Street
Proof: We Can All Learn From the Homeless
Black hobo: ...a Palm Pilot. It's like a super-powered cellphone. Damn, you're a ignorant-ass know-nothing white trash motherfucker!
White hobo: Who you callin' white?
--29th & Madison
Children of Wednesday One-liners
Schoolgirl: ...then the teacher said "Silence". Silence is just a fancy word for "Shut the fuck up".
--Union Square station
Black mom: Spatula, I've got two words for you: be-have!
--6th Avenue salon
Boy, 8: Sorry, Dad. I had to stop because my peg-leg got stuck!
--Park Slope
They Eat It Here, Too (Chelsea, Mostly)
Black woman: In Japan or Asia, one of those countries, I hear they eat penis. Like in the restaurants, I mean.
--Shakespeare & Co., Flatbush
Overheard by: Ford Madox Hueffer
Cromulent Wednesday One-liners
Guy: Yeah, they say that now in France they're banning Muslim women from wearing overalls.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: H. Chan
Black woman on cell: ...and then she says to me "I like that song!" and I go, "Yeah, well I like fish and avocado peels."
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Fernando Taveras
Guy: If you was dead, then you'd know what I'm talkin' 'bout.
--J train
I Have a Feeling the Best Part Came Next...
Fat black woman: Hey, watch where you're going! Say "excuse me" instead of bumping into me like that. Don't you know how to speak English?
Japanese girl: You need a diet!
--Penn station
Overheard by: JL
It Takes Irregular Sex to Give Her the Big O
Fat black chick: I can't come when I'm having regular sex.
Skinny black chick: Why not?
Fat black chick: I don't know. It just doesn't happen.
Skinny black chick: Maybe the guy sucks.
Fat black chick: And I have a sensitive clit, too.
Skinny black chick: He definitely ain't hittin it right. Maybe you should get rid of that punk ass bitch.
--46th St. & 8th Ave.
Three Entries Submitted In A Row
Black guy: They're taking over! Where the shit am I supposed to eat?
--Rivington Street
Customer: I'll have a slice of the eggplant.
Pizza guy: You know that's organic right?
Customer: That's fine. How long have you guys been organic?
Pizza guy: Oh, about 2 weeks now. The white girls are loving it.
--Delancey & Essex pizzeria
Overheard by: Brian
Dad (to son, 6): Do you want to go to Cafe Pertutti or Oren's Daily Roast?
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: RPK
A Stitched Together Wednesday One-liners Story
Black guy: And another thing: I'm tired of eating you out every night!
--Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: RelaxLove
Power suit woman on cell: Well, you just have to get on top of it and ride it out.
--Madison Square park
Black chick: That nigger was pussy!
--14th Street & Broadway
Wednesday One-liners, Cell Phones
Big black woman: ...and they had a white one and a black one, and the white one was 45.99 and the black one was 52.99, so I bought the black one. Cause it was black...
--Best Buy, 23rd St.
Overheard by: Trouble
Guy on cell: Oh yeah? Well, check this out: I don't care that I'm not invited to your wedding, because you're fired!
--West 94th St & Amsterdam
Somehow RuPaul Always Gets the Short End of the Stick
Black guy: It is the last day of Black History Month and nobody sent me a card?
White guy: Well then, happy Black History Month.
Black guy: Yeah sure, whatever!
White guy: No, seriously, thank you! Thank you for Charlie Parker, Miles Davis, Richard Pryor...
Black guy: Well I guess tomorrow I have to back to sitting in the back of the bus!
White guy: No! What are you talking about? We don't pick on blacks anymore! That's what gays are for!
Black guy: Ohhh!
--Graham Street station
Overheard by: Philip Rafferty
It's Why Bob Marley Never Made CTO
Black guy on cell: ...she's just a fucking secretary. All she knows about computers she learned from watching some dude. Me? I'm a guru who taught at the New School. I don't get any respect because of my dreads...
--Madison and 45th
Confirmed: We All Look Alike
Black dude: I ain't even gonna say it. You know who you look like, right?
White dude: Let me guess: Seinfeld.
Black dude: Oh, shit! Aah! I'sa gonna say Kramer!
--Fort Greene bodega
Lorraine Hansberry is Spinning in Her Grave
Black kid #1: ...you mean the gay nigger?
Black kid #2: No, the black-brown nigger.
--outside Boerum Hill Food Company, Smith Street
Brainy Wednesday One-liners
Construction worker: ...it was like, the biggest skull ever found or
some shit.
--44th & Madison
Teenage girl: I failed the math test so I told Ma I ain't gonna graduate in June. I ain't gotta do anything but stay black and die.
--6 train
If It's in a Museum, You've Missed the Point
Black guy: ...it's an endangered species! It must be preserved in a museum!
--Westway Diner, 9th Ave.
A Benetton Ad, It Isn't
A black girl tries to squeeze past twin asian chicks and a little asian boy to get into the train.
Black girl: Do you mind?
Asian chick #1: Don't be rude, can't you go around us?
Black girl: I don't move around people; they move around me.
Asian chick #1: You're inside now, so please stop yelling at us.
Black girl: You are so rude! Is that how you talk to people in front of your child?
Asian chick #1: You know, I'm tired of listening to your crap. Talk to the hand.
Asian boy: Yeah, you talk too much. Talk to the hand!
--A train
NYC Forecast: Snow, Wind, Heavy Chance of Racism
Girl #1: I hate how my body is cold but my face is freezing off.
Guy: You could wear a ski mask.
Girl #1: But then you look like a douche.
Girl #2: Yeah, like that guy [across the street].
Girl #1: He's not wearing a ski mask. He's black.
--26th & 7th
Overheard by: Ricki Lagotte
Readers: Answer His Overheard Question
Hoodie: Who's that guy who takes all the pictures of the little girls?
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Keith Scott
Calling a Spade a Spade
Mr. Ivory: Why can't I say the "N" word?
Mr. Ebony: Certain people can't say certain things. Like we as Americans can say "Americans are so dumb to vote in Bush again", but let a Canadian say that same thing and I will slap his ass.
--East Village
Just One Block From Park Ave...
A bike messenger almost plows through the crowd at a crosswalk.
Messenger: You gotta look! You gotta look!
Black Woman: Nigger, you look! You ain't drivin' no car!
--44th & Madison
Crossfire for the Dim-witted
Black Girl: Yeah, it's like some Irish guy waving a British flag around.
Spanish Girl: Why you gotta be saying that? How do you know half my family ain't Irish?
Black Guy: You want politics, you want diversity? L.E.S., baby, L.E.S., is where it's at!
--Karma, 1st Ave.
Overheard by: Tibbie X
Maybe He Should Put a Ring on His "Finger"
Woman: I ain't havin' no more babies out of wedlock. I mean I only got this one here but that's it. He better put a ring on my finger if he want another one.
--Ave B and 6th St.
They Grow Up So Fast
Asian Kid: The fucking Triads are on your tail, bitch. Run!
Hispanic Kid: Fuck that! The Latin Kings will pump lead into your asses.
Black Kid: Nah, the Bloods and Crips will beat you down.
Jewish Kid: Yo...Um...I'll get my yarmulke peoples to smack you all, son. What now nigga spic chink bitch ho? Suck my matzoh balls, bitch!
--Canal Street
Overheard by: Jonathan Harris
No Metrosexuals in Brooklyn
Screaming Black woman: Don't you raise a knife to me! Don't threaten me! That is not professional service! Don't you know how to serve customers? Never raise a knife to a customer! You're just lucky that there isn't a black man in here.
--To the man behind the counter in Dunkin Donuts, downtown Brooklyn
It Ain't Racism Unless It's Gratuitous
Urban Man #1: Man, I can't stand these black folks movin' into our neighborhoods, man!
Urban Man #2: You're black.
Urban Man #1: Pygmies an' flapjacks!!
--Malcom X and MLK Blvds.
Paging Pat Benatar
Young urban male: He didn't hit you hard enough.
Young urban female: Yes, he did.
Young urban male: No, he hit you soft. *BAF*
Young urban female: The last time he hit me, he hit me mad hard.
--D Train
Bill Cosby Is Spinning in His Grave
Black Kid #1: Yo nigga, how long are we taking this train up? Yo dumb nigga, answer me.
Black Kid #2: Yo what?
Black Kid #1: How long are we taking this train up for?
Black Kid #2: I don't know.
Black Kid #1: Niggers are dumb anyway.
--F Train
Non Sequitur Theatre
Guy: I really hate it when people mop my feet. I am Jamaican, after all.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Stephie Russell
Go Granddaddy!
Black man: "And he kept on beating up niggers until he was 37!"
-- On the Subway
Nigligence Indeed
Black female customer: "Forget it, girl you must be suffering from NIGligence"
- At Au Bon Pain on 37th & 5th, when she just missed the 4-6pm half price baked goods by one minute, and the black female who worked behind the register would not let her buy them for half price
It's a Very Trenchcoat Hannukah
Old Lady: Those kids in Columbine used to bully kids themselves. I saw an interview with one. You think the parents didn't know something was going on, the way they used to dress up like Hitler?
Black Nurse: Really?
Old Lady: One of them was half-Jewish, too!
Black Nurse: That don't make sense.
Old Lady: They think they're hot stuff. They don't care.
--W Train
Urban Winetasting
Black Guy: You're gonna drink that? It'll make you throw up. You've gotta be hard. You need your nigger-tongue if you wanna drink that shit.
--Deli, 12th St. & 4th Ave.
Don't Need No Crystal Ball
Girl: I'm going to do voodoo on her.
Guy: Is she black?
Girl: Yeah. The thing is that whatever you do comes back three times against you, so I'm going to have to do santeria to take it off.
--W Train
Where to Begin Correcting That Sentence?
A couple of black kids are pushing around a Hispanic kid, who is holding a spoon covered in chocolate pudding for some reason.
Black Kid: Wipe that shit off, nigger. Wipe it off!
--14th St. & 1st Ave.
Good Question!
Black guy: Tell that nigger my party is tonight in Nochez.
Hispanic guy on cell: Yo, this nigger's party is tonight in Nochez.
Black woman: Why is the word 'nigger' being said so much here?
--KFC, Delancey Street
Personal Foul
Black kid: Miss, buy some candy to support my school's basketball team.
Indian woman: No thank you.
Black kid: Man, you people don't buy nothing. But you sure speak good English.
--40th St. & Lex.
I Come from Ironystan
Black Man (to African Man): Where are you from? Why don't you go back there, man?
--Penn Station
