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The Subway Is No Place for a Room Full of Boners
Muscular balck guy enters holding his shirt, wearing only boxers.
Young white mother: How did you know it was going to rain?
Black guy: I didn't want my shirt to get wet, so I took it off.
Old hobo, panhandling: Man, you could give lap dances right here!
--R train
Overheard by: Emma
Can You Catch White?
Old black woman: Hey, you! That white woman left her purse! Take it and give it to her! What's wrong with you? The white woman sitting next to me left her purse here -- go after her and give it back!
Young guy: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Old black woman: The white woman! She left her purse! Give it back [throws purse at him and it falls to the floor. Young guy walks away shaking his head.] What's wrong with you people? Obviously you don't care!
--Port Authority bus terminal
Overheard by: bri b
Hardly. I Studied with the Bejing Opera
Black chick: What kind of soup do you got?
Chinese deli guy: Uhhh, we got some chicken noodle soup.
Black chick: Oh, just chicken noodle soup?
Chinese deli guy, singing and dancing: With a soda on the side! [Black chick glares at him in silence.] Uhhh, yeah, that's all.
Black chick: That's fuckin' ign'ant, man.
--106th & 2nd
Since When Is That "New" in the Bronx?
Black chick, hysterical: Hahaha, and what did the guy say -- hahaha -- when he fell from the building? Hahaha, what he say?
Black dude: Um... I don't know...
Black chick: Hahaha, he said, 'Ouch!' Hahaha, I'm so hyper!
Black dude: Yo, there's a new energy drink -- it's called crack.
--Hunter College, 8th floor balcony
Overheard by: Liza
Because That's the Only Way I Can Bring Her Off
Black girl, in smelly stairwell: Nigga, it smells like yo' mama's coochie up in this bitch!
Black guy: What the fuck you snortin' in my mom's cooch for?!
--Kingsborough Community College
Grits? Gross!
Black guy #1: I just realized this is a long-ass ride! It's like 15 minutes!
Black guy #2: Shut up, nigga.
Black guy #1: Is that your breath I smell? It smells like you ate roast beef with a side of shit... and grits.
--1 train
Overheard by: DC
NewsFlash: Men and Women Not As Different As Previously Assumed.
Black dude #1, eating ice cream: My priorities in life is my family... Ummm... Food... And, ummm... Pussy.
Black dude #2: Yeah, I love pussy!
Black dude #1: I know, man. Me, too. I'm addicted to it.
Black dude #2: I wish it tasted more like Häagen-Dazs.
Black dude #1: Word!
--Astor Pl
Overheard by: Stavros L
It Takes a D Train to Raise a Baby
Black teen girl #1, about screaming baby at other end of car: Yo, someone needs to tell that baby to hush up.
Black teen girl #2: Damn, I know, right? Yo, baby, shut the fuck up!
--Coney Island-bound D train
Although a Long Bubble Bath and a Cup of Earl Grey Are Quite Delightful as Well
Black guy: What the fuck is wrong with you? How are you not gonna like pussy?
Friend, with cornrows: 'Cause, fool! There's only one thing better, and that's money.
Black guy, concurring: The only thing.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Sleepy Monkey
Having Corrected This Simple Misunderstanding, They Easily Overcame All the Racial Strife in New York
Black girl #1: Yo, why's no one standin' wid us? They too good for us?
Black girl #2: It's 'cause we're black, yo.
--86th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: The White Girl Standing Next to Them
It Affects All Races in a Similar Fashion
Black girl: Girl, you tell a nigga you wanna give him pussy and it, like-- He go outrageous!
Friend: Mmm-hm.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: M-City
The Ghetto Will Never Get Over Learning the Word "Disrespectful" in the Early '90s
Young ghetto girl: Mister, will you get that bag out of my face? That bag is in my face!
Asian man: It's not in your face! It's far away. Far away.
Young ghetto girl: Man, you disrespectful. That's so disrespectful. I'll slap the shit out of you.
--A train
Overheard by: jcm
And You Can Suck My Indicative
Queer black man #1: I am stupid, dumb, and crazy.
Queer black man #2: Mmm-hm.
Queer black man #1: But I am not slow. I never was.
Queer black man #2: You never were.
Queer black man #1: I never was.
Queer black man #2: It's 'were. I never were.' I was an English major.
Queer black man #1: It's, 'I never was.' I went to school. You're speaking some sort of crazy... some crazy Ebonics language.
Queer black man #2: Bitch, you stupid, dumb, and crazy.
Queer black man #1: Mmm-hm, that's right.
--M10 bus, 110th & CPW
Overheard by: A former English minor, weeping.
It's the Lovingly Tended Poo-Crust That Makes It Squeak
Barbie girl: Ugh! This train smells like ass!
Angry black man: Speak fo' yo'self, bitch! My ass is squeaky clean!
--R train
And You Don't Wanna Be Ignorant All Your Life
Skinny black chick: If someone says some mo' fuckin' racist shit to me, I'ma punch them in the fuckin' face, yo, and give them somethin' to be racist about!
Fat black chick: I thought that shit was played out. Racism is ignorancy, yo.
--M train
Overheard by: ignorexia-ists
Republicans: Eeexcellent!
Black woman #1: Who you gonna vote fo' in this election?
Black woman #2, picking her fingernails: I dunno. I just fuckin' hate Bush. Anyone but him.
Black woman #1: I like Hillary. I think I'm gonna vote fo' Hillary.
Black woman #2: Yeah. I mean, Obama's cute, but I don't care -- he's a black man. My husband's a black man, and he don't do shit.
Black woman #1: Mmm, I know.
--D train
They're Like, 'Bitch, If I Didn't Smoke Crack, I Wouldn't Have Babies!'
Young black woman #1: I'm sick of people all up in my face during my job.
Young black woman #2: Yeah?
Young black woman #1: Yeah, people come up yelling, 'They took my babies away from me!' and I'm like, 'Well, maybe you should stop smoking the crack...'
--A train
Overheard by: Jesse
What's with All the Racist Dogs?
Black guy #1: Dude, humans got all sorts of unique smells and shit.
Black guy #2: Man, that's why dogs love white people.
--Marcus Garvey Park
... And Some Cornish Game Hens
Black guy: Let's go to the meat market and get some crystal meth.
Buddy: Aight.
--27th & 8th
Overheard by: Shmatty and Shammy
Why You Gotta Remain That Way All Your Life?
Afro: Shit, nigga, you never heard of Serendipity's?
Cornrows: Nah.
Afro: It's a motherfucking ice cream parlor.
Cornrows: Like what? Häagen-Dazs?
Afro: Nah, they charge you up the ass and you're surrounded by white people.
Cornrows: Like Häagen-Dazs?
Afro: Nah, it's classy. Fool, don't you know anything about class?
Cornrows: So it's like Häagen-Dazs.
Afro: Damn, you ignorant.
--84th & Amsterdam
What Does Being Farsighted Have to Do with Anything?
White guy, about pretty black chick passerby: Yo, why do black girls always look at you but not me?
Black guy: Same reason why you piss close to the urinal and I gotta stand a foot away.
--35th & 6th
Overheard by: Hispanic guy who stands 8 inches away
But Sir, Where Might Such a Thing Be Found?
Sketchy black guy: Awww, now that's a cute couple right there!
Boyfriend: Thanks.
Sketchy black guy: Now all y'all need is some weed!
--Washington Square Park
I Mean, He's Wearing Bermuda Shorts and Knee Socks!
Black guy, popping white friend's collar: Man, what'd I tell you about that?
White friend, putting it down: But I don't want to.
Girl: Leave him alone -- he ain't ready for that yet.
--NYU Kimmel Building
Dumbest and Dumber Still Opens to Mixed Reviews
Big black lady exiting movie: Yo, that shit was dumb.
Big black friend: Dumb shit.
Big black lady: For a second I thought it wasn't going to be dumb... But then it was.
Big black friend: Dumb, dumb, dumb shit.
Big black lady: Dumb!
Big black friend: Man, was that dumb.
Big black lady: Dumb.
--Loews, 34th St
Either That or a Nazi Jew
14-year-old black boy: Can we get off this block? I hate this block! I hate cops!
11-year-old black boy: Why?
14-year-old black boy: Because it's in black people's nature to hate cops.
11-year-old black boy, after long pause: So, you want to be a cop?
--123rd & 8th
Overheard by: Tanya
Headline by: kai
Runners-Up:
· "And Before the Session's Over Let's Talk About How You Hate Yo Momma 'cause She So Fat." - JohnnyB
· "Fuck It. You Wanna Play Robbers and Robbers?" - La Libertad
· "If They Can Beat You, Join 'em" - Sim Etrias
· "Look What It Did for Ice T" - Otter
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Didn't We Warn You about That?
Friendly white guy to black couple: Where are you people from?
Black chick: What do you mean 'you people'?!
--Cafe Habana
Overheard by: Ari
I Just Wouldn't Talk to Her because She's Black
Black woman: Money for the homeless? [Blonde chicks walk by, ignoring her.] What? You think you're better than us? Fuckin' white bitches!
Blonde, as she and friends run away: Oh, please, like this is about race. I don't care if she's black or white -- I'm not giving her any fucking money to support her charity. Also known as a crack habit.
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: don't donate either
Her Name's Shannon, I Think?
White teen: Can I get you anything else, sir?
Black man, eating: I don't mean to sound racist, but can I get me some more of that white meat?
--All Souls Soup Kitchen
Overheard by: phia
It's the Garden of Fucking Eden
Black uptown guy: Look at the fruit and shit. We don't have fruit and shit like this uptown. Look at the mangoes. We never see mangoes that big uptown. [White lady walks by with ugly Pit Bull.]
Black uptown girl: Oh, look at the cute puppy! Hello, puppy, how ya doin'?
Black uptown guy: Look at the fucking fruit! We don't have shit like kiwis uptown. Damn, look at the peaches and plums. They're much bigger here!
--75th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rahni
Both Guys: Compared to You, Yeah
Black guy: Yo, are you white?
Hispanic guy: Um... Are you black?
--Bronx
Let's Sit Far, Far Apart
Black guy #1: Yes, well, we look alike because we're fraternal twins.
Black guy #2: Yeah, you didn't know we were brothers?
White guy: Everyone said you guys were brothers, but I figured they meant 'brothas' and not actual brothers.
Black guy #1: Oh... Okay. Hey, look, we're at Shea.
--LIRR, Shea Stadium
Recently-Divorced Men
Impatient, middle-aged Caribbean woman in bathroom line: There should be more women's rooms.
Equally impatient 20-ish woman: Yeah, I know... It's because men designed these buildings.
--JFK
Overheard by: Nina
Women Don't Care How They Look to Men
Black guy: Why would a young black girl dye her hair blonde? Looks terrible, y'know.
Whitey: Um, yeah. Bad idea.
Black guy: Bitch looked like a burnt grilled cheese sandwich.
--One Penn Plaza
Do They Evince Discriminatory Animus against Persons of Color?
Schoolboy in uniform, passing two cops: Run, Alisha! It's the po-po! Run!
Schoolgirl: What?
Schoolboy: We're black! Run!
--14th & 8th station
Overheard by: warrfree
Well You Didn't Want to See Dumb and Dumber
Black teen #1: Yo, let's go see Blood Diamond.
Black teen #2, with African accent: No, I told you -- I don't want to see that.
Black teen #1: What are you talkin' 'bout, don't wanna see it? Nigga, you're in it!
--Loews, Lincoln Center
Black on Black Bureaucracy
Angry black lady: That asshole conductor said there is another train coming but did not say when! I need to get to Brooklyn!
Black conductor, trying to calm her down: Why are you screaming at me? I'm just as black as you are!
--2/3 platform, 34th St
Overheard by: Michmeister
Shouldn't It Be in Shackles?
Black girl: Hey, mister, can we pet your dog?
Tough guy with groomed white poodle on leash: Sure.
Black girl to friend: See, that's what a poodle looks like when a white man owns it.
--10th & Christopher
How Many?
Black girl #1: I feel like getting laid.
Black girl #2: You and me, both.
Black girl #1: I think I'm into white guys tonight!
--4 train, Union Square
Overheard by: newyork2boston
White People: Oh Snap, Yo!
Black teen #1, after horror movie preview: Oh, snap, yo!
Black teen #2: Stop being black at the movies!
Black teen #1, in a high voice: Oh, that was totally cool!
--Regal Theater, 42nd St
Overheard by: Rachel
Or Rubber and Easily Stored?
Black teen #1: I got a new girlfriend.
Black teen #2: Is she nice and thick or big and nasty?
--J train
Black People: We Knew It!
Black guy: Ah, shit, it's starting to rain.
White passerby: Let's make it rain on these niggas.
--Hudson & Spring
Overheard by: Jake Perlman-Garr
See You in Ten Years
Ghetto teen #1: He got like a 3.8 or somethin', and nigga cried.
Ghetto teen #2, to black girl squealing with laughter: You think it's funny, bitch?
--A train, 168th St
That's It -- I'm Getting a Bigger Monitor!
Ghetto queer, mocking ghetto chick: 'It's been so nice seeing you again...'
Ghetto chick: You know, I've been friends with him for so long, but something about seeing him today was just so... different. I guess maybe his essence was just too big for a MySpace page.
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Has been waiting for this.
In Fact, I Strongly Suspect We're an Invention of the Liberal Media
Black boy #1: Yo, how come there's only white people in these paintings?
Black boy #2: Mmm... Guess they were painted in 1750-something. They didn't have no brothers back then.
--The Met
We Don't Have to Make a Fuss about Our Origins
Black 12-year-old boy: Are you Japanese?
Asian 20-year-old guy: Ummm, no...
Black 12-year-old boy: Oh... Chinatownese?
Asian 20-year-old guy: What?
Black 12-year-old boy: Taiwa-- I mean, Taiwanese? Thailandonian?
Asian 20-year-old guy: No. I'm American.
--72nd St station
Overheard by: Dave Carpenter
By Extrapolation from Existing Data
Black postman #1: Kiss my black ass!
Black postman #2: How do you know that it's black?
--Forest Hills post office
He's Amost As Entertaining As He Is Naked
Urban gentleman: Yeah, you can buy the naked cowboy's picture in Times Square for, like, 25 dollars.
Urban lady: For real? Damn. He hot, though. He definitely waxing. In those briefs, nigga's gotta be gettin' a Brazilian.
Urban gentleman: Yeah, I ain't no homo or nothin', but how's he not get hard walkin' around in nothin' but briefs?
Urban lady: It's called 'entertainment.'
--6 train
Overheard by: Barry Negrin
I Was My Own Finest Creation
Black girl: Yo, white boy! Yo, white boy! [White guy ignores her, so she follows him.] White boy! Yo, white boy!
White guy: What?! How would you like it if I yelled, 'Hey, black girl! Hey, black girl!'?
Black girl: No! It's okay! I'm white -- I went to Pratt.
--Bed-Stuy