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The Subway Is No Place for a Room Full of Boners
Muscular balck guy enters holding his shirt, wearing only boxers.
Young white mother: How did you know it was going to rain?
Black guy: I didn't want my shirt to get wet, so I took it off.
Old hobo, panhandling: Man, you could give lap dances right here!
--R train
Overheard by: Emma
Can You Catch White?
Old black woman: Hey, you! That white woman left her purse! Take it and give it to her! What's wrong with you? The white woman sitting next to me left her purse here -- go after her and give it back!
Young guy: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Old black woman: The white woman! She left her purse! Give it back [throws purse at him and it falls to the floor. Young guy walks away shaking his head.] What's wrong with you people? Obviously you don't care!
--Port Authority bus terminal
Overheard by: bri b
Hardly. I Studied with the Bejing Opera
Black chick: What kind of soup do you got?
Chinese deli guy: Uhhh, we got some chicken noodle soup.
Black chick: Oh, just chicken noodle soup?
Chinese deli guy, singing and dancing: With a soda on the side! [Black chick glares at him in silence.] Uhhh, yeah, that's all.
Black chick: That's fuckin' ign'ant, man.
--106th & 2nd
Since When Is That "New" in the Bronx?
Black chick, hysterical: Hahaha, and what did the guy say -- hahaha -- when he fell from the building? Hahaha, what he say?
Black dude: Um... I don't know...
Black chick: Hahaha, he said, 'Ouch!' Hahaha, I'm so hyper!
Black dude: Yo, there's a new energy drink -- it's called crack.
--Hunter College, 8th floor balcony
Overheard by: Liza
Because That's the Only Way I Can Bring Her Off
Black girl, in smelly stairwell: Nigga, it smells like yo' mama's coochie up in this bitch!
Black guy: What the fuck you snortin' in my mom's cooch for?!
--Kingsborough Community College
Grits? Gross!
Black guy #1: I just realized this is a long-ass ride! It's like 15 minutes!
Black guy #2: Shut up, nigga.
Black guy #1: Is that your breath I smell? It smells like you ate roast beef with a side of shit... and grits.
--1 train
Overheard by: DC
NewsFlash: Men and Women Not As Different As Previously Assumed.
Black dude #1, eating ice cream: My priorities in life is my family... Ummm... Food... And, ummm... Pussy.
Black dude #2: Yeah, I love pussy!
Black dude #1: I know, man. Me, too. I'm addicted to it.
Black dude #2: I wish it tasted more like Häagen-Dazs.
Black dude #1: Word!
--Astor Pl
Overheard by: Stavros L
It Takes a D Train to Raise a Baby
Black teen girl #1, about screaming baby at other end of car: Yo, someone needs to tell that baby to hush up.
Black teen girl #2: Damn, I know, right? Yo, baby, shut the fuck up!
--Coney Island-bound D train
Although a Long Bubble Bath and a Cup of Earl Grey Are Quite Delightful as Well
Black guy: What the fuck is wrong with you? How are you not gonna like pussy?
Friend, with cornrows: 'Cause, fool! There's only one thing better, and that's money.
Black guy, concurring: The only thing.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Sleepy Monkey
Having Corrected This Simple Misunderstanding, They Easily Overcame All the Racial Strife in New York
Black girl #1: Yo, why's no one standin' wid us? They too good for us?
Black girl #2: It's 'cause we're black, yo.
--86th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: The White Girl Standing Next to Them
It Affects All Races in a Similar Fashion
Black girl: Girl, you tell a nigga you wanna give him pussy and it, like-- He go outrageous!
Friend: Mmm-hm.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: M-City
The Ghetto Will Never Get Over Learning the Word "Disrespectful" in the Early '90s
Young ghetto girl: Mister, will you get that bag out of my face? That bag is in my face!
Asian man: It's not in your face! It's far away. Far away.
Young ghetto girl: Man, you disrespectful. That's so disrespectful. I'll slap the shit out of you.
--A train
Overheard by: jcm
And You Can Suck My Indicative
Queer black man #1: I am stupid, dumb, and crazy.
Queer black man #2: Mmm-hm.
Queer black man #1: But I am not slow. I never was.
Queer black man #2: You never were.
Queer black man #1: I never was.
Queer black man #2: It's 'were. I never were.' I was an English major.
Queer black man #1: It's, 'I never was.' I went to school. You're speaking some sort of crazy... some crazy Ebonics language.
Queer black man #2: Bitch, you stupid, dumb, and crazy.
Queer black man #1: Mmm-hm, that's right.
--M10 bus, 110th & CPW
Overheard by: A former English minor, weeping.
It's the Lovingly Tended Poo-Crust That Makes It Squeak
Barbie girl: Ugh! This train smells like ass!
Angry black man: Speak fo' yo'self, bitch! My ass is squeaky clean!
--R train
And You Don't Wanna Be Ignorant All Your Life
Skinny black chick: If someone says some mo' fuckin' racist shit to me, I'ma punch them in the fuckin' face, yo, and give them somethin' to be racist about!
Fat black chick: I thought that shit was played out. Racism is ignorancy, yo.
--M train
Overheard by: ignorexia-ists
Republicans: Eeexcellent!
Black woman #1: Who you gonna vote fo' in this election?
Black woman #2, picking her fingernails: I dunno. I just fuckin' hate Bush. Anyone but him.
Black woman #1: I like Hillary. I think I'm gonna vote fo' Hillary.
Black woman #2: Yeah. I mean, Obama's cute, but I don't care -- he's a black man. My husband's a black man, and he don't do shit.
Black woman #1: Mmm, I know.
--D train
They're Like, 'Bitch, If I Didn't Smoke Crack, I Wouldn't Have Babies!'
Young black woman #1: I'm sick of people all up in my face during my job.
Young black woman #2: Yeah?
Young black woman #1: Yeah, people come up yelling, 'They took my babies away from me!' and I'm like, 'Well, maybe you should stop smoking the crack...'
--A train
Overheard by: Jesse
What's with All the Racist Dogs?
Black guy #1: Dude, humans got all sorts of unique smells and shit.
Black guy #2: Man, that's why dogs love white people.
--Marcus Garvey Park
... And Some Cornish Game Hens
Black guy: Let's go to the meat market and get some crystal meth.
Buddy: Aight.
--27th & 8th
Overheard by: Shmatty and Shammy
Why You Gotta Remain That Way All Your Life?
Afro: Shit, nigga, you never heard of Serendipity's?
Cornrows: Nah.
Afro: It's a motherfucking ice cream parlor.
Cornrows: Like what? Häagen-Dazs?
Afro: Nah, they charge you up the ass and you're surrounded by white people.
Cornrows: Like Häagen-Dazs?
Afro: Nah, it's classy. Fool, don't you know anything about class?
Cornrows: So it's like Häagen-Dazs.
Afro: Damn, you ignorant.
--84th & Amsterdam
What Does Being Farsighted Have to Do with Anything?
White guy, about pretty black chick passerby: Yo, why do black girls always look at you but not me?
Black guy: Same reason why you piss close to the urinal and I gotta stand a foot away.
--35th & 6th
Overheard by: Hispanic guy who stands 8 inches away
But Sir, Where Might Such a Thing Be Found?
Sketchy black guy: Awww, now that's a cute couple right there!
Boyfriend: Thanks.
Sketchy black guy: Now all y'all need is some weed!
--Washington Square Park
I Mean, He's Wearing Bermuda Shorts and Knee Socks!
Black guy, popping white friend's collar: Man, what'd I tell you about that?
White friend, putting it down: But I don't want to.
Girl: Leave him alone -- he ain't ready for that yet.
--NYU Kimmel Building
Dumbest and Dumber Still Opens to Mixed Reviews
Big black lady exiting movie: Yo, that shit was dumb.
Big black friend: Dumb shit.
Big black lady: For a second I thought it wasn't going to be dumb... But then it was.
Big black friend: Dumb, dumb, dumb shit.
Big black lady: Dumb!
Big black friend: Man, was that dumb.
Big black lady: Dumb.
--Loews, 34th St
Either That or a Nazi Jew
14-year-old black boy: Can we get off this block? I hate this block! I hate cops!
11-year-old black boy: Why?
14-year-old black boy: Because it's in black people's nature to hate cops.
11-year-old black boy, after long pause: So, you want to be a cop?
--123rd & 8th
Overheard by: Tanya
Headline by: kai
Runners-Up:
· "And Before the Session's Over Let's Talk About How You Hate Yo Momma 'cause She So Fat." - JohnnyB
· "Fuck It. You Wanna Play Robbers and Robbers?" - La Libertad
· "If They Can Beat You, Join 'em" - Sim Etrias
· "Look What It Did for Ice T" - Otter
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Didn't We Warn You about That?
Friendly white guy to black couple: Where are you people from?
Black chick: What do you mean 'you people'?!
--Cafe Habana
Overheard by: Ari
I Just Wouldn't Talk to Her because She's Black
Black woman: Money for the homeless? [Blonde chicks walk by, ignoring her.] What? You think you're better than us? Fuckin' white bitches!
Blonde, as she and friends run away: Oh, please, like this is about race. I don't care if she's black or white -- I'm not giving her any fucking money to support her charity. Also known as a crack habit.
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: don't donate either
Her Name's Shannon, I Think?
White teen: Can I get you anything else, sir?
Black man, eating: I don't mean to sound racist, but can I get me some more of that white meat?
--All Souls Soup Kitchen
Overheard by: phia
It's the Garden of Fucking Eden
Black uptown guy: Look at the fruit and shit. We don't have fruit and shit like this uptown. Look at the mangoes. We never see mangoes that big uptown. [White lady walks by with ugly Pit Bull.]
Black uptown girl: Oh, look at the cute puppy! Hello, puppy, how ya doin'?
Black uptown guy: Look at the fucking fruit! We don't have shit like kiwis uptown. Damn, look at the peaches and plums. They're much bigger here!
--75th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rahni
Both Guys: Compared to You, Yeah
Black guy: Yo, are you white?
Hispanic guy: Um... Are you black?
--Bronx
Let's Sit Far, Far Apart
Black guy #1: Yes, well, we look alike because we're fraternal twins.
Black guy #2: Yeah, you didn't know we were brothers?
White guy: Everyone said you guys were brothers, but I figured they meant 'brothas' and not actual brothers.
Black guy #1: Oh... Okay. Hey, look, we're at Shea.
--LIRR, Shea Stadium
Recently-Divorced Men
Impatient, middle-aged Caribbean woman in bathroom line: There should be more women's rooms.
Equally impatient 20-ish woman: Yeah, I know... It's because men designed these buildings.
--JFK
Overheard by: Nina
Women Don't Care How They Look to Men
Black guy: Why would a young black girl dye her hair blonde? Looks terrible, y'know.
Whitey: Um, yeah. Bad idea.
Black guy: Bitch looked like a burnt grilled cheese sandwich.
--One Penn Plaza
Do They Evince Discriminatory Animus against Persons of Color?
Schoolboy in uniform, passing two cops: Run, Alisha! It's the po-po! Run!
Schoolgirl: What?
Schoolboy: We're black! Run!
--14th & 8th station
Overheard by: warrfree
Well You Didn't Want to See Dumb and Dumber
Black teen #1: Yo, let's go see Blood Diamond.
Black teen #2, with African accent: No, I told you -- I don't want to see that.
Black teen #1: What are you talkin' 'bout, don't wanna see it? Nigga, you're in it!
--Loews, Lincoln Center
Black on Black Bureaucracy
Angry black lady: That asshole conductor said there is another train coming but did not say when! I need to get to Brooklyn!
Black conductor, trying to calm her down: Why are you screaming at me? I'm just as black as you are!
--2/3 platform, 34th St
Overheard by: Michmeister
Shouldn't It Be in Shackles?
Black girl: Hey, mister, can we pet your dog?
Tough guy with groomed white poodle on leash: Sure.
Black girl to friend: See, that's what a poodle looks like when a white man owns it.
--10th & Christopher
How Many?
Black girl #1: I feel like getting laid.
Black girl #2: You and me, both.
Black girl #1: I think I'm into white guys tonight!
--4 train, Union Square
Overheard by: newyork2boston
White People: Oh Snap, Yo!
Black teen #1, after horror movie preview: Oh, snap, yo!
Black teen #2: Stop being black at the movies!
Black teen #1, in a high voice: Oh, that was totally cool!
--Regal Theater, 42nd St
Overheard by: Rachel
Or Rubber and Easily Stored?
Black teen #1: I got a new girlfriend.
Black teen #2: Is she nice and thick or big and nasty?
--J train
Black People: We Knew It!
Black guy: Ah, shit, it's starting to rain.
White passerby: Let's make it rain on these niggas.
--Hudson & Spring
Overheard by: Jake Perlman-Garr
See You in Ten Years
Ghetto teen #1: He got like a 3.8 or somethin', and nigga cried.
Ghetto teen #2, to black girl squealing with laughter: You think it's funny, bitch?
--A train, 168th St
That's It -- I'm Getting a Bigger Monitor!
Ghetto queer, mocking ghetto chick: 'It's been so nice seeing you again...'
Ghetto chick: You know, I've been friends with him for so long, but something about seeing him today was just so... different. I guess maybe his essence was just too big for a MySpace page.
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Has been waiting for this.
In Fact, I Strongly Suspect We're an Invention of the Liberal Media
Black boy #1: Yo, how come there's only white people in these paintings?
Black boy #2: Mmm... Guess they were painted in 1750-something. They didn't have no brothers back then.
--The Met
We Don't Have to Make a Fuss about Our Origins
Black 12-year-old boy: Are you Japanese?
Asian 20-year-old guy: Ummm, no...
Black 12-year-old boy: Oh... Chinatownese?
Asian 20-year-old guy: What?
Black 12-year-old boy: Taiwa-- I mean, Taiwanese? Thailandonian?
Asian 20-year-old guy: No. I'm American.
--72nd St station
Overheard by: Dave Carpenter
By Extrapolation from Existing Data
Black postman #1: Kiss my black ass!
Black postman #2: How do you know that it's black?
--Forest Hills post office
He's Amost As Entertaining As He Is Naked
Urban gentleman: Yeah, you can buy the naked cowboy's picture in Times Square for, like, 25 dollars.
Urban lady: For real? Damn. He hot, though. He definitely waxing. In those briefs, nigga's gotta be gettin' a Brazilian.
Urban gentleman: Yeah, I ain't no homo or nothin', but how's he not get hard walkin' around in nothin' but briefs?
Urban lady: It's called 'entertainment.'
--6 train
Overheard by: Barry Negrin
I Was My Own Finest Creation
Black girl: Yo, white boy! Yo, white boy! [White guy ignores her, so she follows him.] White boy! Yo, white boy!
White guy: What?! How would you like it if I yelled, 'Hey, black girl! Hey, black girl!'?
Black girl: No! It's okay! I'm white -- I went to Pratt.
--Bed-Stuy
Though Currently They Are Firmly Restrained
Black girl #1: ... And you know white girls don't wear no panties!
Black girl #2: I don't wear panties either... I mean, I do when I go out, but when I'm at home my labias be swingin'.
--TGIFridays, 34th St
Overheard by: sad to say i was sitting near them
You Won't Be Laughing When the "Juicy" Diet Takes America by Storm
Drunk black woman #1: No, you gotta put cocoa butter on your legs and drink water. Water keeps your body juicy!
Drunk black woman #2: Jui-cy! Bam-bam!
Drunk black woman #1: That's right, water keeps you juicy... [Sees young Asian woman smiling at them] Oooh, she know what I'm talkin' about! She exotic... She an Asian girl.
Drunk black woman #2: Bam-bam!
Drunk black woman #1: Yeahhh... She know what I'm talkin' about... Oh, shit, it's our stop... Thank God, because I'm 'bout to squat down somewhere! [Both stagger off train.]
--1 train
Overheard by: amused
Only the Pod People Remain 'til the End of the Line
Black kid #1: Are you getting off at the next stop, son?
Black kid #2: No, man, this train goes all the way to Harlem. Everyone else gets off at 34th, 42nd... By the time we get up to 96th, it's me, a crackhead, and a midget.
--3 train
We Probably Shouldn't Depend on White Superheroes
Black guy: Yeah, Superman -- he hangs out around 42nd Street. He might go uptown every once in a while, but you never see his ass in Brooklyn. That's ridiculous -- Superman can not be killed by bullets, and he still won't come to Brooklyn.
Black lady: You're right. What about Batman?
Black guy: Oh, he probably has to come through Brooklyn -- you know, that brother lives out on Long Island.
Black lady: He probably comes through Brooklyn, but you know he's not getting out of that Batmobile.
Black guy: I'm sure he's damn careful when he stops, too. Those are some ballin' rims he's got on that whip. If he ever parked, them shits would definitely get stolen!
--3 train
Overheard by: Chris
An Aunt Who Visits You Once a Month
Ghetto kid: Real gangstas get it down on the flo', on the flo'.
Nerdy kid: What's a flo'?
--Info Tech High
Overheard by: mary alice v.
Hocking Your Bronzed Baby Booties Doesn't Count
Homie #1: Fuck you, nigga! You ain't hustlin'!
Homie #2: No, fuck you! My shit is tight!
Homie #1: I'm still spendin' money from '93, nigga!
Homie #2: I'm still spendin' money from '88, nigga!
--119th & 7th
Overheard by: yvahn
Jesus Plays the Race Card
Black guy: Here, this is for you, man, 'cause you look like Jesus.
Homeless guy: I thought Jesus was black!
Black guy, coming back: For that, my man, you get a dollar.
--55th & Broadway
Overheard by: Tony Jones
We'll Change It Once White People Start Saying It
Kid: Mom, where you at?
Mom: I'm right here, baby, and it's not where you at, it's where you is.
--Crowded store
Overheard by: spamandvikings
At Least She's Reading
Ghetto chick: Excuse me! Excuse me! What's the name of the towers that got knocked down?
Incredulous passerby: Umm . . . The World Trade Center.
Ghetto chick to thug boyfriend: See! I told you it wasn't none of that twin towers. You thinking of Lord of the Rings.
--Vesey St
And If Anybody Else Wants It
Chick: What the hell you doin' goin' around hittin' on other women?
Boyfriend: It ain't like that! It ain't like that!
Chick: What's the matter witchoo?! [Slaps him.]
Boyfriend: I just want to know if I still got it!
--Meatpacking District
Really? Is My Face Red!
White chick to black chick: That's a cute bag. It would be, if it were real.
Black chick: Bitch, it ain't fake, it's stolen!
--14th & 8th
Look, We're Just Having a Private Moment at the Top of My Lungs
Big black woman to son: I'm gonna smack you so hard, you're gonna taste it!
Son, wailing: I don't want to taste it!
Passerby: I don't want to taste it either.
--74th St-Roosevelt Ave station
Socks Go on First
Trendy big black woman #1: Girl, did you see that woman?
Trendy big black woman #2: Hell yeah.
Trendy big black woman #1: Looks like she got dressed without instructions!
--McDonald's, 34th & 5th
Overheard by: Joey Madison
Anal Sex: What Can't It Fix?
Fashionista gets off elevator, bumping into guys on her way out.
Balding Greek guy: You know what she needs? A good dick up the ass, that's what she needs!
Black guy: That's what all them bitches need.
--1407 Broadway
Overheard by: Big Larry
If That Doesn't Work, There's Always Rum
Ghetto mama #1: Yeah, I get him ready for bed, and then he starts cryin' and shit.
Ghetto mama #2: Girl, you give that baby some NyQuil before you put him to bed and he will be good to go.
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Oh! The Fucking Places You'll Go!
Conductor: Everything's running normal this weekend.
Black woman: Everything runnin' normal this weekend? Shit, I could take this train to fuckin'... fuckin' anywhere!
--Q train
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: Marc
Runners-Up:
· "Alice in Wonderland, New York Style" - Anastasia Poushkareva
· "Around the Hood in Eighty Days" - ad neal
· "I Meant My Colon" - I Got Real Mail
· "Just a fuckin' small town girl, livin' in a fuckin' lonely world..." - karaoke queen
· "Transfers available to up your ass and go fuck yourself." - mark manne
· "Why Reading Rainbow and drugs don't mix" - mike
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Knowing There Are Only Two Halves Is Half the Battle
Big black lady #1: Have you been to that new Queens mall?
Big black lady #2: No.
Big black lady #1: Half the people be shoppin', half of 'em be watchin' people, and I don't even know 'bout the other half. It gets so damn crowded!
--1 train
Overheard by: No Kidding
My Wig's about to Achieve Liftoff
Old white woman: Oh, it's so windy today!
Black girl: Word. My weave's about to blow off my head.
Old white woman: I hear that.
--M66 bus
Or Gay -- I Forget
Weary black lady squinting at bag of meds: Could you read this to me?
Young white guy: It says, 'Add two drops to each eye twice a day.'
Weary black lady: Thanks. You married?
Young white guy: Uh, yeah.
--Duane Reade, 23rd & 6th
Okay, I've Admitted I Have a Problem. What's Step 2?
Big mama #1: Who's saying I don't think I fuck up? I always fuck up!
Big mama #2: Shit! I was born to fuck up!
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: D money
Fidelity's a Survival Strategy
Asian guy: Also, Freddie Mercury didn't deserve to die.
Black guy: I'm okay with him dead. He was gay, he fucked around, he had AIDS -- he deserved to die.
Asian guy: So, you are saying that people who sleep around too much deserve to die? I sleep around. Do I deserve to die?
Black guy: ... Yes.
--E train
Overheard by: Ting
Good to Know There's Some Common Ground
Black guy #1 walking behind a lady with kid: Damn! I didn't know white women had butts like our black women.
Black guy #2: Me neither.
--Liberty Ave, Queens
Overheard by: nycgal
Like Trying to Stop the Tide, Mom
Eight-year-old black boy: Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall. Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall.
Mom: I told you to stop that!
Eight-year-old black boy, three minutes later: Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall. Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall.
--Restroom, Penn Station
Overheard by: Amanda
Super Lucky Is When You Find One of My Hairs in Your Food
Black chick: I figured it out -- when I fart on someone, when I spit on someone, it's lucky!
Latina: Wait, so if I spit on someone, it ain't lucky?
Black chick: Nah, because it ain't me doin' it. It gotta be me.
--Dressing room, Forever 21
Overheard by: I don't need to be lucky, really...
The White Witch Vows to Freeze Narnia Forever
Black girl: Okay, everybody, here's where we learn to dance! Everybody repeat after me. To the left, to the right, to the left, to the right... [Passengers sway and laugh.]
Sour WASP lady to adjacent white passenger: Is this what people are like when they're on crack?
--3 train, 125th St
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
He Promises He Won't Threaten You for His Share of Reparations
Black lady: I really want you guys to meet my new boyfriend. I think you'll like him.
White lady: Okaaay. Um... How is he with white people?
--St. Mark's Pl & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: JD
Tall Guy, Blue Jacket with Red and White Striped Trousers...?
Black guy: Yo, you gotta know Uncle Sam, man. I mean, you pay your taxes, right?
Indian clerk: No, I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about.
--Deli, 14th & 3rd
Overheard by: hoch
Our Sweet, Sweet Compensation for Centuries of Oppression
Black chick: Yo, you shoulda talked to that nigga at church.
Friend: You ain't supposed to say 'nigga' -- it's African-American month.
--Q train, Prospect Park stop
Overheard by: Jude
Turns Out One of the Airport Metal Detectors Was Actually Working
Black lady #1: So, what happened to her?
Black lady #2: She had to have her breast inplates removed! Can you believe that?
Black lady #1: Oh, shit!
--Jamaica Market food court
Overheard by: Pilar
Wednesday One-Liners Dread Ending Up on The Surreal Life
NYU guy to pal: If you could pick any five girls, and one of them had to be Tom Cruise...
--St. Mark's & 3rd
Overheard by: Lexey
Man: If Leonard Cohen were a hamster, I'd kill him.
--Freddy's Bar, Brooklyn
Hobo: Donald Trump is my cousin, but he doesn't know it because I came out black.
--Museum Mile
Teen girl on cell: Hey, I just read that Brad and Angelina decided to adopt their next kid from Vietnam. You totally have a shot... No, seriously, you should apply. I mean, I guess you'd have to try out and stuff, but it'd so be worth it.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Whitehall St
Skinny black goth girl: Am I gay, or am I Paris Hilton?!
--Cardozo High School
MTA elevator operator to another: You don't have to be forgiven. Clint Eastwood taught us that.
--1 train station elevator, 168th St
Overheard by: martin gehrke
Guy on cell in line: Yeah, she's messing around with Michael Jordan and shit! You do not want your lady messing around with Michael Jordan!
--Rite Aid, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: dutchman
These'll Go Great with My Little Whore Dress
30-something black chick #1, trying on leopard print heels: I don't know... I'm getting a serious whore vibe from these shoes.
30-something black chick #2: Yes, but it's an attractive whore.
30-something black chick #1: Right... Whore is the new black.
--Upscale shoe store, Midtown
This Is Worse Than That Time He Pooped Out Those Kittens
Black girl: I can't believe we just went to the hospital to find out that your cat has no sex.
White girl: What?
Black girl, louder: That your cat has no sex!
White girl: Oh, yeah! I can't believe my male cat has no penis!
--3 train
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: Garrett Berg
Runners-Up:
· "Cat: Why don't you just announce it to the whole goddamn train!" - morgz
· "Garfield and the angry itch" - jeff
· "I think I'll call him Neuter Gingrich" - SNA
· "The Penis Makes the Pussy" - Adam
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
There's a Cheaper Way, but It Hurts Feelings All Around
White guy: Well, this is her third. The first two she miscarried.
Black guy: Aw, man.
White guy: All of them were shake 'n' bake.
Black guy: What?
White guy: Yeah, he shakes and she bakes. It's like 10 grand a shake, too.
Black guy: I heard 25.
--JFK airport
Overheard by: Deeznuts
Must Be the End-Times
Black woman: Bitch, stop barking. I'll beat your ass! Say 'my mother' one more time, I'll come over there and beat your ass, cracker!
White woman: Who says 'cracker' anymore?
--4 train
You'd Think the Distribution System Would Be Better
Homie #1: Drugs is huge, man, huge! If there wasn't no drugs, there'd be no police! No drugs, no lawyers! No drugs, no judges! Nobody would be in prison! All those guards, no jobs! The whole prison system would collapse! No drugs, nobody in the hospitals! Doctors out of work... Drugs is too big! We're a big part of the economy! Nobody is gonna touch drugs, man, so chill. We need drugs!
Homie #2: True dat.
--125th & Lenox
Now How Much for Her?
White nerd in monotone: Look, just because I'm a motherfucking P-I-M-P does not give you the right to kiss up on my women.
Black guy: Fool, don't be trippin'! You ain't got but one woman, and she's fat.
--45th & 9th
If White People Didn't Exist, We'd Have to Invent Them
Fat, drunk black chick: Fuck that shit! I gotta go, and I will pee on this train!
Sister: Stop. I'm not playing, sit down.
Fat, drunk black chick: Say I won't, Teesha, say I won't! I will piss on this train!
Sister: Stop, you're bothering people. Just sit down. I swear to God, I swear I'll get off.
Fat, drunk black chick: Then I will pee on the platform. Nah, nah, I'm gonna pee on this train! Say I won't!
Sister: You're bothering people.
Fat, drunk black chick: White people?! I don't care about white people! You know what they did? Fuck them -- they diseased our country. They brought us HIV! TB! All that shit! They need to go back on their boats! I will pee on this train! Then we'll see who's diseased!
--A train, between 145th & 34th
Nobody Calls 'em "Playerettes"
Black man #1: Man, that reminds me of my bachelor party! The other day this slut friend of mine was getting married -- excuse my language.
Black man #2: That's aight, man. Sometimes you gotta call a slut a slut.
Black man #1: So, she was getting married, right? And the guy is waiting for her in a hotel room with champagne and shit. And the bitch is at my house!
Black man #2: Yo, that's a slut aight.
--28th & 8th
Because Those People Are Beyond Saving
Black woman #1: And then she was like, 'I don't like fried chicken!'
Black woman #2: How could you not like fried chicken?!
Black woman #1: I know! How could you not like fried chicken?!
Black woman #2: ... Well, was she white?
--14th & 1st
Poor Guy
Black man yelling at poster of Seal with a Shar-Pei: A black dude and a dog? A black dude and a dog?! Man... That shit is fucked up! Cute white girls like dogs. Black men don't like cute little dogs! Shiiit.
Chick: He's married to a white supermodel, you know.
--Bus stop, 82nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Carol
Out of What, Now?
Old white husband: What are lamb chops?
Old black wife: I used to buy them for dinner all the time.
Old white husband: What are they?
Old black wife: I used to buy them for you!
Old white husband: I don't remember, tell me what they are.
Old black wife: They're like pork chops, but made out of lamb.
--D train
Overheard by: daniela
Reparations Are a Lot Cheaper Than They Used to Be
Old black man #1: I'm gonna go get a Post.
Old black man #2: A brotha reading the Post? Oh, man...
Old black man #1: Man, it's only 25 cents. And it's got page six!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Jill
Headline by: Dave
Runners-Up:
· "Hahaha...wait...black people? READING?" - pants
· "I always sleep under that one" - Mike B
· "Judge me not by the color of my skin but by the content of my paper" - nyinsf
· "That's the quilted page" - N. A. Cargo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Wednesday One-Liners Are Eating Cat Food
Newspaper hawker: Close your umbrellas, people! You're inside! You're going to poke somebody's eye out! Then they gonna sue you! Then you gonna be broke! Then you gonna throw yourself down the escalator!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Brawd
Black guy on cell: Niggas with no money are contagious!
--7 train platform, 74th & Broadway
Overheard by: Robyn Z
Flight attendant: Welcome to New York where the local time is 4:37. We know that you have a choice in selecting your air travel, and on behalf of the pilot and the crew I'd like to thank you for choosing our bankrupt airline.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Ldartjoy
Man on cell: There's nothing worse than a poor snob.
--115th & Broadway, outside Columbia University
Hobo: Don't anyone wanna donate to the broke-ass foundation?
--Houston St
Overheard by: Has been helped by that organization
Eh, It's Free
Hipster girl after huge black guy sneezes: Bless you.
Huge black guy: You don't know me!
--Shuttle to Times Square
Overheard by: Suburban Liz
Well, Tied with "Fuck"
Teacher: Why shouldn't they ban the N-word in New York City?
Black kid: Because it's my favorite word!
--Wings Academy, Bronx
Wag the Wednesday One-Liner
Woman on cell: So, the doctor tells me to get on the table. He could've told me to get on the table and be a dog and I would've hopped on there and went, 'Bow-wow, motherfuck.'
--6 train
Overheard by: SilentButDeadly
Young girl to mother: Do you think I'm a dog? I'll tell you if I am.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: vm
30-ish woman: Tom's* ass, to me, is like a steak to a sleeping dog... Rrruff!
--34th & 5th
Overheard by: hungry dog
Big black man: My friend is looking for people to sell cocaine for him. He figured out this great way to get around the dogs -- they're scared of bigger animals, so he puts all his drugs in bull shit.
--Bus, Broadway
Overheard by: lora
Dude: Are those things dogs or are those things people?
--Union Square
Overheard by: The Baron
Checkout chick: So, that's my dilemma -- do I spend my tax refund on a chihuahua or a Master's degree?
--Warehouse Wines, 770 Broadway
Overheard by: Jamie
Wednesday One-Liners Want the Drumstick
Little boy: The pigeon knows no fear.
--Central Park
Outraged 20-something to friend: He's the one who told me to put the duck in the eulogy!
--Columbus Circle
Guy on cell: Yeah, it's so hot outside I could cook a turkey between my legs!
--Outside Fordham University
Overheard by: Sharon
Extremely flamboyant black guy: I threw my corn, but I ain't throw no chicken! Okay?
--LaGuardia airport
Overheard by: waste not, want not
Little girl: Mommy, I just saw two pigeons dancing together!
--M66 bus
Guy: Is that a baby or a chicken?!
--Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: emily
You'll Get a Contact High
Son: Mom, can I go and see Santa?
Mom: You ain't sittin' your big black ass on some white Santa!
--Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: Confused white person
Wasn't This an In Living Color Skit?
Black Santa takes off his beard, puts a cigarette in his mouth and starts to adjust his crotch.
Little girl in stroller: Daddy, why is Santa smoking?
Daddy: Well, obviously it's a fake Santa...
Other passersby, scolding: Santa!
Black Santa: What? Santa's gotta friggin' fix himself sometimes, don't he?
--Rockefeller Christmas tree
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
Good Insincerity, but You Blew Your Line
Big black man is minding own business when two-year-old child sitting behind him slaps him in the back of the head.
Big black guy turning around, startled: What the fuck?!
Child's mother: What did I tell you about hitting people?! [Child shrugs his shoulders and looks confused.] I told you we don't hit people. That's not nice. Now, what do you say?
Child: Thaaank yooouuu. [Big black guy's eyes go very wide and he turns back around slowly.]
--N train
Overheard by: Trying not to laugh because that guy was pissed!
Which, According to Our Bylaws, I Must Now Give to You
White office guy: When somebody says 'nigga,' how do you know if they're saying 'nigga' or 'nigger'?
Black office guy: That's easy -- 'nigger' is followed by an ass-whoopin'.
--Restaurant, Park Ave South
Overheard by: Big Larry
Charlton Heston: Bitch Soup Is People!
Middle-aged black dude #1: I wanted to take Shaquan for the weekend, and you know what that bitch told me? She said she was taking him to his grandmother's house!
Middle-aged black dude #2: Man, what's with that woman? She don't let you see your kids!
Middle-aged black dude #1: His grandmother don't need to see him. She's too old to see, anyway! I ain't seen Shaquan since Ju-ly! That's fucked up. I should kill that bitch.
Old Asian lady walks through the train selling noisemakers and batteries.
Middle-aged black dude #1: And why is it when I'm selling bootleg DVDs in a primarily black neighborhood, all the police see is me? When I'm around all black people! But don't nobody say nothin' when this Asian chick sells this junk. Then I'm in jail and this bitch is selling. Then they tell me, 'You can't get out until you pay.' How I'ma make money if I'm in jail, fool?
Middle-aged black dude #2: Heh heh heh. Right, right. But fo' real, though, you should kill that bitch!
Middle-aged black dude #1: For real. I should. Shit's fucked up. I don't care about her pussy -- I can get another pussy. 'Scuse my language. No offense, ladies. I can get another bitch to fuck, but that's my kid! I'ma kill that bitch. I'ma chop her up! I used to be a butcher, man. I'ma chop her up. Make bitch soup! And sell it to the homeless.
--A train
Overheard by: Melody SW
The Guy with the Long Arms?
Guy with long dreadlocks: Why you keep bothering me, man? Why can't you just go away?
Guy with short dreadlocks: Why don't you tell your mama to go away?
Guy with long dreadlocks: Awww, man, why you gotta bring my mama into this?! [To woman in ticket booth] Hey, lady! Woman! Call the law, man!
Woman in ticket booth: Excuse me?
Guy with long dreadlocks: The law, man! Call the law!
--In front of ticket machines, Union Station
Overheard by: didn't want to get involved
Don't Embarrass Me, Okay?
Mom: So, is Alex Rodriguez black or Hispanic?
Boy: He's married.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Bobby
I Know My Job, and Helping You Ain't It
Black lady: Where do I submit this form?
Desk clerk: Are you petitioning for child support violation?
Black lady: No! Who do I give this to?!
Desk clerk: Are you petitioning for alimony or other support?
Black lady: No! Now, who the hell do I give this form to?
Desk clerk: Lady, if you're not petitioning for anything then you don't submit your form to nobody.
--Family Court, 330 Jay St
Overheard by: Sophia
I'm Considering Galoshes
Big black woman #1: I shouldn'a ate all them bags of party mix. I shoulda got me some low fat snack instead.
Big black woman #2: Why you say that?
Big black woman #1: 'Cause I took my damn shoes off an' now I cain't get 'em back on! My feet's all swelled up from the party mix.
Big black woman #2: Girl, why you wear such tight shoes? I'm wearin' sandals.
Big black woman #1: Sandals? Who the fuck wears sandals when it's all snowy and icy and shit?
Big black woman #2: Someone who can get their damn shoes back on after eatin' all that party mix, that's who.
--JetBlue flight 806 to JFK
Overheard by: Big Larry
Really? Who?
White teen: You've got a fat ass.
Black teen: Well, your ass has a stupid, scrawny bitch stuck to it.
--Times Square
You Can Come to the Front If I Can Pick the Kids
Ragged old black guy with wad of cash in hand, teasing: You gonna let me cut the line, right?
Clerk: Please get on the end of the line.
Ragged old black guy: I'ma buy me that 250-dollar Blue Label up there. You gonna let me get on the front of this line, right?
Clerk: [Ignores him.]
Ragged old black guy: 250 dollars for Blue Label for me to get drunk and run over some kids!
--Liquor store, 23rd & Park
Overheard by: Baby G
And It Was Originally Giving the Finger
Black guy #1: You know that statue, right? You know, the British... The British gaved the Statue of Liberty to New York. The British gaved the statue to America. To commemorate the Civil War. But they don't tell you that. They don't talk about that.
Black guy #2: Yep.
Black guy #1: And you know it was black, when the statue got here. It was black. And it had chains 'round it.
Black guy #2: Yep.
--F train, York St
Would You Like Some Scones with That Gin N' Juice?
Black teen #1: See ya later.
Black teen #2: Cheerio, nigga.
--School, 17th St
Overheard by: John
Though Yesterday's Whale Calls Were Quite Impressive
Hobo: Caw! Caw! Tweet! Gobble! Gobble!
Black cop to another: See, man, that's what's happening to our people.
--8th Ave, between 35th & 36th
Overheard by: NRG
All Part of the Great Web of Sugar
Black woman #1: I think Tony could be your sugar daddy.
Black woman #2: Ummm, no.
Black woman #1: Why not?
Black woman #2: No, I don't think so.
Black woman #1: Why? You guys get along so well.
Black woman #2: Because I think he has a sugar daddy.
--Office building, Midtown
Without African-Americans, English Would Just Sit There
Thug holding up cigarette: Sulfur?
Suit: Huh?
Thug: Fire?
Suit: What?
Thug: Burn?
Suit: I don't... Uh...
Thug: Spark?
Suit: Wha--?
Thug: Blaze?
Old black woman in nurse's uniform at next table: He wants to know if you have a match. Learn to speak English, nigga!
--Wendy's, Fulton Mall, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Which I Will Never Be Able to Forget
Black lady #1: So, I was talking to my man, and I was like, 'I don't want no balls in my face like you don't need no titties in yo's!'
Black lady #2: I did not need to hear that shit.
--106th & Park
It's Not Reparations, But I'll Take What I Can Get
Black guy: Yeah man! You could jump in the tracks right now!
White guy: Are you sure the subway Superman will appear?
Black guy: Trust me, I'm sure.
--W 4th St station
Overheard by: ron cabrera
Headline by: Earl
Runners-Up:
· "...like WMD sure... or Jesus sure?" - k swin
· "Able to convince morons in a single sentence" - Erin
· "Another Supporter of Urban Darwinism" - ToddS
· "He'll show up in 15 minutes with a spatula and a bucket of bleach" - Rob
· "It's a Bird! It's a Plane! Ah Fuck, It's a Train." - Justin
· "Kunta Kinte's Revenge" - micah576
· "Malcom X's Plan B" - Chris
· "That cold-death feeling just means he's got you" - Leigh
· "Thinning the herd, Manhattan-style" - Tom Beckett
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Is It Your Birthday?
Hobo: Go shorty, it's your birthday...
Drunk black woman, joining in: Yeah! Go, go!
Hobo: Shorty, it's your shorty...
Drunk black woman: You singing it wrong. It's, 'We gonna party like it's your birthday.'
Passerby gives hobo two dollars.
Drunk black woman: You need to give me half of that, I helped you out with the words.
--E train
Overheard by: Ruth
But Geminis Go Both Ways
Black chick #1: Geminis are the only people we need in this world.
Black chick #2: No, I think you're wrong.
Black chick #1: What sign are you?
Black chick #2: I'm a Libra.
Black chick #1: No, we don't need no Libras, Aries, or Tauruses.
Black chick #2 to her friend: What sign are you?
Friend: I think I'm a Scorpio.
Black chick #1: I've fucked a few Scorpios, they're okay.
--2 train
Overheard by: Just wanted to get home
'Knife'?
Black teen to drag queen: Yo, I can see your Adam's apple, nigga!
Friend: Shhh, don't say the N-word, we're surrounded by white people!
--8th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: jesse michael klein
The Capable Individuals Who Tabulate the US Census
Spanish guy: She's half Spanish.
Black woman: No, she's black.
Spanish guy: No, she's half Spanish.
Black woman: She ain't no half Spanish. Her name is Juanita. That don't sound Spanish to me.
--Holiday Inn, 57th & 10th
Overheard by: CGS
When They Put Up a Barn, It Stays Up
Old black guy #1: You know who really has their shit together?
Old black guy #2: Who?
Old black guy #1: The Amish.
Old black guy #2: For sure.
--F train
'Til Your Third Stabbing Do Us Part
Female associate: ... See, that's his problem. He be startin' shit with niggas when he know he ain't armed!
Male associate: He gon' get stabbed again.
Female associate: He get stabbed again, I'ma be like, 'See ya!' You can't talk shit you ain't got no gun!
--Filene's Basement, Union Square
Overheard by: Manhattan
Making Up a Whole Country -- I Admire That
Black man: So, where you from?
Hot chick: Portugal.
Black man: Shiiit! I've never heard that one before.
--Spring & Broadway
Overheard by: Maria
Or at Least Get My iPod While You're Down There
A man jumps onto the subway tracks to retrieve an item for his female companion.
Black teen chick #1: What is that guy doing?
Black teen chick #2: Is that a black man?! It figures that's a black man! You gotta set a better example for our people!
--Borough Hall
I Asked That at the MoMA, and They Threw Me Out
Black man #1: Are you going to go to the museum tomorrow?
Black man #2: Hell yeah! I wanna know -- how they make a nigga outta wax?!
--Outside Madame Tussaud's, 42nd St
Overheard by: Laura
Nobody in New York Knows the Difference between At-Home and Outside Conversations
Yuppie kid: Mommy shaves her hoo-hoo!
Yuppie dad: Okay, honey. Look, do you want your book?
Yuppie kid: I came in the bathroom this morning and asked Mommy what she was doing and she said shaving her hoo-hoo. Mommy shaves her hoo-hoo!
Yuppie dad: Dylan, remember when we discussed at-home conversations and outside conversations?
Yuppie kid: Yes.
Yuppie dad: Well, this is an at-home conversation.
Yuppie kid: Okay, daddy. [Sings to herself quietly] Mommmyyy shaves her hoo-hooo...
Black lady: See, home conversating, outside conversating -- that's bullshit. My kid says shit like that, I smack him. He won't say shit like that again.
Yuppie dad: Okay, thank you, but I think our method works just fine.
Yuppie kid: Lady, do you shave your hoo-hoo?
Black lady: Oh, yeah, that shit is workin' just fine. She's all kinds of polite.
Yuppie dad: Okay, Dylan, this is our stop.
--R train
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
Not the Face! Not the Face!
Black girl: My daddy says I can't fight her because she's pregnant.
Wigger chick: Her face ain't pregnant, is it?
--Subway bathroom, 4th & 6th
If Dr. Phil Did 2000 Sit-Ups a Day
LL Cool J walks by gaggle of middle-aged black ladies, smiling as he passes.
Ladies: Oh my god, oh my god, that's LL!
Black woman to white woman: You people don't understand -- that was like you white folks seeing Dr. Phil!
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Swanny
Not to Diminish Your Actual Painful Experience in Any Way
Black guy: When I was little I had an inferiority complex because I was the only kid in my school with nappy hair since I went to a white school.
White chick: I think I read a book about that once.
--118th & Broadway
Overheard by: Alison R.
It's Easier for the Airline Than Keeping Track of Your Luggage
Black guy #1: Dawg, we been waitin' here for a min-- I think someone done jacked my shit.
Black guy #2: What? Yo, you serious?
Black guy #1: I'm for real. All my Sean John, Fubu -- all my damn gear was in that shit.
Black guy #2: Nigga, don't worry, just jack someone else's shit. Don't matter noway.
--Baggage claim, JFK
Just Like Nicole Richie
Black street dealer: Coke? Weed, my brotha?
Desi dude: I'm not black, I'm Indian, my nigga.
--St. Mark's & 3rd
Overheard by: Innocent XXX
Wednesday One-Liners Are Also a Member
Negligent mom: He's a little boy -- that's what he's supposed to do! They have penises so they can wave them around!
--Danice, 125th & 8th
Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag
Guy: You think I don't have one? You think I don't have one?! I will flash everyone on this train!
--6 train
Black man to girlfriend: Why you tellin' everybody 'bout mah dick for? Oh, you sad now? Well, stop tellin' everybody 'bout mah dick!
--Staten Island
Overheard by: Against Marj
Little kid waiting to cross street: Owww, my wiener!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Sandy
Queer: Rocky got hard during 'Touch me, touch me' because Janet would rub all over him and he was straight... And in those little yellow shorts you could see his penis grow like a torpedo.
--1 train
Overheard by: Smirking Minnesotan
Professor, about ancient Greek theater: Lots of padding, lots of masks, lots of... phalluses.
--Columbia University
Unless Natalie Portman Starts Returning My Letters
White teen: I don't think I could date an ugly girl.
Preppy black teen: Yeah...
White teen: I think I'll just marry a hot one for the sex and cheat on her emotionally with someone who is actually smart.
--Grand Central
It's a Little Service I Run. Here's My Card
Big black lady: Oh, honey! What's wrong, baby?
Weeping white girl: Oh... It's nothing. I'll be okay.
Big black lady: Boy problems?
Weeping white girl: ... Yeah.
Big black lady: What did he do to you, dear? Did he... Did he beat you?
Weeping white girl, trying not to laugh: No! No, it was nothing like--
Big black lady: --Did he sleep with another woman?
Weeping white girl: No, he--
Big black lady: --Because if he did he'll get an STD and die, don't you worry.
--115th & Broadway
You Think That's Just a Coincidence?
Wigger referring to Lhasa Apso on leash: Yo, yo, man, look at that dog. I told my bitch I'd steal a dog like that for her.
Black friend: You like them faggot dogs? I like me a mothafuckah dat can tear somebody's ass up, like a Doberman or some shit.
Wigger, pausing to think: Man, it's dangerous to steal a Doberman!
--Gramercy Park
Overheard by: Big Larry
Mexicans by Osmosis Are One of the Most Pressing Immigration Issues
Big black dude #1: You want to leave all the white women to me? That's fine.
Big black dude #2: Oh, [laughs], I don't have a problem getting white women. I'm half Indian and half Puerto Rican. I got that Boricua thing going.
Big black dude #1: Oh, shit. Well, I got Mexican in my family...
Smaller black dude: You part Mexican? Where were you born?
Big black dude #1: Well, I was born in Haiti, but I grew up in the Bronx, and my uncle recently married a Mexican.
--Changing room, Church St Boxing gym, Church & Park
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No... 40 grand, and I'll suck your dick.
--Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can't teach you anything if you don't practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
--78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya'll!
--2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That's NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, 'Are you on Restless?' And I was like, 'Yeah,' and then she dropped to her knees!
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you're married, and I don't need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
--Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
How She Keeps Him to Herself
Black lady #1: You know Earl?
Black lady #2: [Nods.]
Black lady #1: You know Earl?
Black lady #3: [Nods.]
Black lady #1: You know Earl?
Black lady #4: [Shakes head.]
Black lady #1: You don't wanna know that mothafuckah -- that is one nasty-ass nigga.
--Flatbush Ave-bound 4 train
Cue Bass Line
Black girl: Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, and I'm just so hot that I wish I could fuck myself.
White girl: Oh my god, me too!
Black girl: Really, you look at yourself naked in the mirror, too?
White girl: No, I look at you in the mirror, silly.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Roderic
Dude, You Suck at the Dozens
Black employee: Yo, why you gotta be hatin' on my family like that?
White kid: Because you're black.
Black employee: ... Your mama's black!
--Gristedes, 20th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Caroline
Wednesday One-Liners Couldn't Get into Stuyvesant
Hobo: You go to USC? I used to go there, man. Of course, I didn't graduate... Don't major in Chemistry. Also, don't smoke crack.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: not planning on it
Conductor: If you do not fit through the physics of the train, please step aside -- this train is not made of spandex.
--F train
Overheard by: BellaFrancine
Bimbette: I could change the world if I just opened my Biology book.
--Dorm room, Columbia campus
Overheard by: college girl
Elegant 20-ish black chick on cell: Do you truly expect me to come out to New Jersey so I can drink Rolling Rock? And listen to Matchbox 20? With a bunch of white bitches? Who majored in Psychology? ... How many things are wrong with that?
--Salvation Army store, Waverly Place
Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo
Wednesday One-Liners Have Relations with Relations
Black dude on cell: No! No one outside of the family sleeps with my Grandma!
--Parking lot
Man to dogs sniffing each other: Stop! Do not molest your sister in public!
--57th St & 7th Ave
Girl: I'd love to date you, but first we need to get a blood test to make sure we're not second cousins.
--NYU Kimmel Center
Overheard by: tj
Mid-40s guy: So, it was like me on my grandparents' bed with my mom...
--Penn Station
Hipster on cell: Thanksgiving ended, and we still don't know. Is Leland having sex with his father's girlfriend?
--Outside UCB Theatre
Farmer: And I Still Would If I Thought I Could Get Away with It
Black guy: Yo, you know what 'FUBU' stand for?
Black girl: Yeah, 'For Us, by Us.'
Black guy: Naw, it stand for 'Farmers Used to Beat Us.'
Black girl: It does not! It's 'For Us, by Us'!
Black guy: That's what they want you to think. Everybody knows it's 'Farmers Used to Beat Us.'
Black girl: There ain't no 'T' in 'FUBU'!
Black guy: That don't matter.
Black girl: You ign'ant, nigga!
--Midtown
Overheard by: Greg Reeves
If Only We Could Convince Them to Roll Themselves in Cornflakes and Flour
Manager: My son likes white girls. I'm like, 'Boy, don't you know white people smell funny?! They smell like chicken when it's wet outside!'
Coworker: Oh, yeah, they do be smellin' weird.
--DT store, 32nd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag
Maybe If You Stopped Calling Them That?
Black guy #1: She'll probably holla at you before she hollas at me, though.
Black guy #2: For real! That's how white bitches are!
--Metropolitan Ave, Kew Gardens
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
No, Ask for More! It's Free Range!
Enormous black woman clutching frantic feral cat: Who'll gimme a dollar fo' this kitten? I know one of ya'lls got a dollar fo' this kitten. You?! You?!
Confused passerby: Didn't you get that from the vacant lot behind you?
Enormous black woman clutching frantic feral cat: Shut up, fool! Okay... Fitty cent, then!
--West 153rd St
Overheard by: goofopet
One Wonders Why He Doesn't Simply Represent Himself
Young black guy #1: Being a lawyer is a no-brain job. They don't have to know nothing about nothing. Just stand there.
Young black guy #2: Yeah, but I'd like to be a lawyer. I don't want to go to court or nothing, just have the title.
Young black guy #1: Most lawyers are worse than the criminals they defend.
Young black guy #2: So, what's happening with your case?
Young black guy #1: It's getting dismissed, or I'm pleading guilty or something.
Young black guy #2: Yeah?
Young black guy #1: God rest Johnnie Cochran's soul.
--Food Court, Concourse Plaza, Bronx
Overheard by: Lawyer
The 200 Word Working Vocabulary Runs into Some Trouble
Black chick on cell: What? You don't want a picture of me? Huh? I said, 'You don't want a picture of me?' I'll send you one of me and my baby. Huh? My baby's one now. Huh? Man, I been tellin' you I had a baby. What? You my big baby, that's my baby baby.
--Coney Island
Odds Are That Petra Will Deny Him Twice More before Morning
Black guy: I'm Jesus!
Woman: No, you're not.
Black guy: Lady, I'm Jesus!
--A train
Overheard by: LSB
Help Me, Sidney Poitier! You're My Only Hope!
White chick: They'll believe you raped me when I was drunk!
Black guy: Baby, don't play that game with me.
White chick: Why not? I can -- you're black!
Black guy: Aw, shit!
--29th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Scott
Wednesday One-Liners Think Their Virginity Has Come Back
Guy on cell: I finally figured out why I have no sons -- no woman will sleep with me.
--Penn Station
Computer geek: I was leveling up my Wizard... Man, I'm never going to have sex.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Irbs
Loud NYU chick on cell: So, there was this guy there that kept announcing he needed to get laid... Yeah, I know. And I'm thinking, 'Dude, you don't let the world know you need to get laid, you just get laid,' you know what I mean? I mean, I need to get laid, too, but I'm not letting the world know that!
--Au Bon Pain, E 8th St
Black lady on cell: ... So the doctor says, 'Tell me about your sex life.' I told him, 'I don't have a sex life. I hate everyone.'
--6 train
Overheard by: SilentButDeadly
Cherry-Poppin' Wednesday One-Liners
Chick: Oh my god, the last time I knew you I was a virgin!
--No Idea Bar, 20th St, between Broadway & Park
Overheard by: Jas
Old lady: Enter the train... She ain't no virgin! Get in, get in!
--F train platform
Overheard by: Ritika
Crazy religious guy: The pope is a liar! He says that Mary's a virgin as of today. That's a lie! After Jesus was born, Mary and Joseph got married. You're tellin' me that they got married, but Joseph wasn't hittin' that?
--4 train
Bleached blonde to boyfriend: As far as my father is concerned, he thinks I am still a virgin... No, actually, there was that one summer he thought I was pregnant because I got fat...
--N train to Astoria
God squad lady: I have a two-month-old son, and I'm praying for his virginity.
--L train
Overheard by: Errol Stairpath
Habitual Offender Wednesday One-Liners
Three white guys are dressed in prison uniforms.
Huge black guy: Those mothafuckas wouldn't last a second in Attica.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: acep
Guy on cell: Jeff, it's me. Quick question -- when you get arrested, do you lose all of your civil liberties or just some? ... 'Cause these guys won't leave me the fuck alone...
--Staten Island Ferry
Drunk Fordham student: Have you ever been in a Mexican prison? You have no idea what it's like in a Mexican prison!
--Pugsley's
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban
Lady on cell: He just graduated from culinary school, and he said he got the best job in the class. He's the chef at Michigan State Prison.
--Broadway & Spring St
Girl, after lady bumps into her: I mean, if God bumps into me, that's one thing -- I wouldn't say nothing, 'cause that's God, you know? But she ain't God, and I'm about to go to jail over her ass.
--Target, Brooklyn
Overheard by: santos
Because She'll Be Facing the Other Direction
Angry black lady: I'm gonna 69 that motherfucker!
Friend: What?!
Angry black lady: I mean, 68 or 67 or... I dunno. Star 67! That way the bitch won't know it's me callin'.
--City Hall Park
Overheard by: This is what makes New York City so great
So Probably Was Just Very Tan
Black New Yorker guy and two white tourist ladies have a lengthy conversation about different places to visit in NYC.
Black guy: Okay, ladies, this is my stop. Bye!
White tourist lady #1: Bye! Have a great day! [To friend, as man departs at Astor Place] I didn't feel threatened by him at all. He was actually a very nice man.
--6 train
How Do You Know He Didn't Go to College?
Blonde: Well, I want to visit that country where they speak African!
Redhead: Oh, you want to go to Africa to learn how to speak African? That is so cool.
Black businessman shaking his head: Africa is a continent, not a country, [sighs], and there is no language called 'African.'
Black businessman departs at 34th Street.
Blonde: How's he going to tell me that when we went to college and he didn't? Plus, I heard President Bush call Africa a country in a speech.
--A train, 14th St
Overheard by: LDofHarlem
And They Can't Dance, Either
Black woman #1: What is this?
Black woman #2: White people don't know what fried chicken looks like.
--Cafeteria, 17th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Amanda
What the Far End of the Heterosexual Spectrum Butts Up Against
Thug #1: Yeah, me too. I get so much pussy... Sometimes I'm too tired to even fuck 'em all.
Thug #2: Nigga, you gay.
--M4 bus stop, 110th St & Amsterdam
Overheard by: High LiferforLife
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Be Called 'Caucasian'
Hispanic guy to another, leaving restroom: Man, it smells like white man's shit in there.
--Trump Tower, 5th Ave
Hobo to hispanic guy on cell: Are there any white people in this town?
--Wyckoff & Troutman, Brooklyn
Overheard by: they're coming
Woman: But it's Aryan night...
--116th & Broadway
Hobo playing guitar: I've got three kids at home -- I'll take anything. I'll take food stamps, hair weave, Chinese people's money, change, food, weed... I'll even take white people's money.
--1 train
Overheard by: trooshieb
Black lady: Harlem is up and coming, but it ain't come up yet. I need to see a few more white people jogging at six a.m. before I sign a lease above 125th.
--7 train
Wednesday One-Liners Star in a Revival of Dreamcoat
Man: Tonight we'll go to the Polish restaurant, or we'll go see Spamalot. Either way, we need the laughs.
--Elevator, 250 West 57th St
Four-year-old standing and pointing as Gaston is about to stab the Beast: Nooo! Stop that!
--Lunt-Fontanne Theatre
White chick: I'm entirely too white for this show. That, or too Canadian. They spell 'color' without a 'u'!
--The Color Purple, Broadway Theatre
Guy on cell: I'm at Marie's Crisis. Yeah, everyone at the party was ugly, and so I left, and I figured if I'm gonna hang out with ugly people, I might as well sing showtunes.
--Marie's Crisis piano bar, 50 Grove St
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Small child during Tarzan: He's dead 'cause he got shot.
--Richard Rodgers Theater, 45th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Adam
Black 40-something lady passing theatre: Ain't dis a play o' somethin'?
--Outside Nederlander Theatre on 41st St
Overheard by: A-Mo
So We Have an Alibi
Irish guy: Yeah, I'm a hundred percent Irish. I just got back from Ireland this summer.
Black chick: Oh, you're Irish? I'm part Irish.
Irish guy, skeptical: Really?
Black chick: No, seriously. An Irish slave master raped my great, great grandmother.
Irish guy: Well, my family got here in 1909.
--Ulysses' Bar
We Practice the Old Religion of Egypt, Sir
White mom calling seven-year-old girl: Isis, come back over here! Don't wander off - stay where I can see you!
Black man: Woman, you name me 'Isis,' and I wander as far away from you as I can get. I don't blame that girl. Isis! What kind of name is that for a little white girl? Damn! Now I know white people crazy.
--Central Park
Spends It All on Hairspray
Black guy holding out headphones: Hey man, you like hip-hop music? It's all me right here, pimp!
Long-haired metalhead: Nah, man. I got nothing.
Black guy: White boy with no money? C'mon, I find that hard to believe.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Phil
Nothing Says Healthy Relationship Like Self-Loathing
Jamaican girl: You know what I think about a lot? I think I must have been white in my past life, but I must have done something really, really horrible to get stuck in this black body.
Boyfriend: Jeez, you do think about that a lot.
Jamaican girl: Oh, not 90 percent of the time. Just 10 percent.
--Subway to Archer Ave
Overheard by: Just a girl
Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look
Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Francesca
White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?
--4 train
Overheard by: Gregorio
Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?
--D train, Grand Concourse
Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?
--Manhattan-bound F train
Overheard by: Josh
Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?
--Game Stop, Forest Hills
Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They're like lions -- from the sea!
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Andrew K.
Everything's Relative
Black guy: Who we going to see?
Asian guy: Andy. Not black-Andy, white-Andy.
Black guy: White-Andy? ...You mean Asian-Andy?
Asian guy: Oh, yeah, Asian-Andy.
--29th & Broadway
Overheard by: Brian
She Could Turn Back to a Scullery-Maid at Any Moment
Black guy #1: It ain't Halloween until you hit the ground.
Black guy #2 to friend trying to help a drunken princess: Don't touch the white girl!
--7th & Greenwich
Thank You, Come Again!
Black customer: Give me a yellow cash card, my brother.
Middle Eastern owner: What'd you call me?
Black customer: I said 'my brother.'
Middle Eastern owner: No, no, no. We are different.
Black customer: No, we're not -- we all come from the same place. We have the same blood.
Middle Eastern owner: No, your blood is black -- your blood is shit.
Black customer: No, my blood is blue just like yours. Besides, if I don't come here to your store to spend money, how are you going to afford the bombs to blow up buildings?
--488 Madison Ave
He Doesn't Cope Well with Fever
Black girl: I'm just going to remain celibate until I meet a nice-looking white man.
Friend: Look how fast he's walking away!
--Garfield & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Mark S
This Is the Line Vader Should Have Taken with Luke
Black dude on cell: So I got her pregnant. And she wanted me to care and shit, and I was like, 'I'm a street nigga!' And you know what I'm sayin', 'cause you're one, too. I didn't want to be a father. I even told my son, straight-up! She was some nasty shit -- all mugly in the face; body all fucked-up. But yeah, I was lacing that shit all the way through 1982! Okay, peace out, man.
--E train
He Also Blew the Whistle on Big Tobacco
Hipster girl on cell: Kim, I'm such a spaz! I forgot it was Wednesday, and I forgot I was supposed to meet you for lunch. So I'm on the Upper East Side and --
Black guy yelling: No, you ain't! You at Union Square, bitch!
Hipster girl on cell: --Sorry. I'm on the Upper East Side and I don't have time to go downtown right now.
--Union Square
His Translation Captures the Spirit of the Original
Chinese girl: [in Chinese] Your luck just ran out.
Black girl: What the fuck did she say?
Chinese passerby: You are fucked.
--W 4th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Ting
She Can Chug and Do Stand-up!
Skinny, black charity mugger: Hey, look at you! Help feed the homeless!
Chubby white chick: No, sorry.
Skinny, black chugger: You, feed the homeless!
Chubby white chick: Sorry, no thanks, I'm late.
Skinny, black chugger: You big enough to feed the homeless!
--Broadway & 10th
Overheard by: booksandlibretti
But Don't Tell Her I Said That
White girl: I don't get that girl. I just don't like her.
Black boyfriend: Why?
White girl: Because if I don't like someone, I tell them. Straight at their face, I'm like, 'I don't like you.' But she be talking behind people's backs and shit. It's not cool, yo.
Black boyfriend: Yeah.
White girl: And she thinks she's ghetto, but she's not. We ghetto -- she's not.
--Uptown C platform, 34th St
He Spent the Whole Month High at Malibu Grand Prix
Black dude: Word, son. It didn't rain the whole time I was in California. No rain for a whole month. There was sun and clouds -- you would love it. The roads are crazy -- driving there is mad good, yo. They're all big and you can speed and the cops won't pull you over because there is so much other illegal-- well they got all those illegal aliens, the eses and pisanos.
Friend: Word?
Black dude: But they don't have stop signs. Like, you know, in New York they got those big red stop signs, but in California it's all written on the floor.
--Q Train
Except When I Have to Take Off My Pants in Front of Girls
Dad at hockey game: Wow, there's like no black people here.
20-something son: Yeah there are, Dad. They're selling stuff and cleaning bathrooms.
Dad: Aren't you glad you weren't born black?
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Deb
When It's Snowing They Inject Heroin Into Their Eyeballs
Black guy #1: Yo man, I hate when it's fucking raining like this.
Black guy #2: Yeah, that's why we got this blunt.
Together: Yeah!
--Duane Reade, W 4th
On Tomorrow's Celebrity Death Match: Vishnu v. Thor
Black Bible-thumper: Jesus will save you! Have you been saved? Praise Jesus!
Passerby: Praise Allah!
Black Bible-thumper: Fuck you, motherfucker! Jesus will kick your ass!
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: The Jewish Asian
But Who Will Prevent Cruelty to Imaginary Russell Simmons?
Skinny black acid-tripper to ASPCA ad featuring Russell Simmons: Yo, I can dance. You can't dance. You don't exist. [Pause.] Yo, what you said? I'll fuck you up!
--near Worth & Mott St
Overheard by: Joe
Where'd You Get That Prominent Ribcage?
Black guy #1 to passing white girl: Where'd you get that nice big ass? Your mother give you that ass?
Black guy #2: Naw, man. White girl don't wanna hear she got a big ass. Only black girls wanna hear that shit.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: DZW
Phillip Seymour Hoffman's Long Awaited Street Cred
Black woman: Oh, look at this, 'The Collected Stories of Truman Capote.' Wow, he really looks like who played him!
Black man: Let me see that. What? You think that looks like me?
Black woman: No, no, he looks like what's-his-name, you know, the guy who played him in the movie.
Black man: Oh! Shit, I thought you said 'he looks like you, playa.'
Black woman: Are you crazy?
Black man: He does dress like a nigga, though.
--Barnes & Noble, 82nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: Beeeej
Or Is It Lent Already?
Ghetto guy: Why I be so ashy?
White chick: It's because you're black, right?
--Canal St & Centre St
We May Have to Put It to Sleep
Ghetto boy #1: My boy ain't getting no pussy. No pussy at all.
Ghetto boy #2: And the pussy that he is getting is sick pussy!
--Broadway & Lafayette St
Explain the Waffle Iron, Then
Black NYU boy: For some reason, every Asian here has a rice cooker.
Black girl: Why?
Black NYU boy: I don't know, I guess because they're Asian.
Black girl: That's so stupid. I'm black, but you don't see me with a chicken fryer.
--8th St & University Pl
Overheard by: yo mama
I Was Just Messin' Wit' Jew
Hasidic Jew: Excuse me, sir, are you Jewish?
Man: Yes.
Hasidic Jew: The Messiah is coming soon. [To black woman:] Excuse me, ma'am, are you Jewish? I was just kidding.
--2 train
Overheard by: the rat
No, Universal Affirmatives Can Only Be Partially Converted
Black kid, pointing to a Hasidic Jewish man: Yo, check out the Amish dude!
Mother: He ain't Amish, they wear straw hats.
Black kid: But he's got a beard. Amish guys got beards. So he's Amish.
--Uptown 4 train
Overheard by: jewish girl
She's Just Trying to Live up to Being an 'Ashley'
Black teen girl #1: Ashley is pissing me off. Do you know what she wants me to do this weekend?
Black teen girl #2: No, what?
Black teen girl #1: Pick apples!
Black teen girl #2: Is she white?
Black teen girl #1: No, that's what pisses me off, she's black!
Black teen girl #2: Shit, I don't know about apple picking, but this weekend, I'm gonna do some jerk chicken pickin'!
--A train to Manhattan
Overheard by: Johnny Appleseed
Wednesday-One-Liners Head to Pound Town
Drinking college co-ed: It was like, my brain shut off, and my genitals went 'woo-hoo!'
--60th & Amsterdam
Guy on cell: Sorry, I couldn't make it. I was tied up. Hopefully, next time it'll be you.
--116th & Broadway
Gay black man to black woman: Girl, I know the perfect guy for you. He will beast fuck you. He will fuck you like a white girl.
--Greenwich & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Artie
Black guy: I'll do the wheelbarrow on the first date, I don't give a fuck!
--Downtown 6 train
Overheard by: biz
Girl in bathroom stall: How many guys can I sleep with in a week and not be a slut?
--Soundz Lounge, Lasalle St & Broadway
Girl: I wondered why you kept talking about pony play!
--Elevator, 168th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Peter Pecker
Well-dressed man on cellphone: He must have had a dildo in his pants, and she grabbed onto that. It's the only way they could have worked it.
--La Giancoma, second intermission, Metropolitan Opera
Overheard by: Schroeder
And Just Like That, They Formed a Rap Group
Thug: Why you gotta be white and ignorant?
White Girl: Why you gotta be black and belligerent?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Bacon
I Meant Nowhere White People Would Want to Go
Blond Tourist Bimbo: I've never even heard of the G Train.
Blond Local Bimbo: Yeah, it's a ghetto train.
Blond Tourist Bimbo: Where does it go?
Blond Local Bimbo: Nowhere.
Black eight-year-old boy: Except my home, bitch.
--G train Hoyt/Schermerhorn station
Overheard by: Ian Robertson
So Mom Required her to Contemplate the Year's Mistakes
Black 10-year-old girl: Mommy! Mommy! Can I get some ice cream?
Ghetto mom: I ain't gettin' you no ice cream. Ain't no holiday.
Black 10-year-old girl: Is so! It's the Jewish New Year!
--11th St & Ave C
Those who Bootleg History Are Doomed to Profit From It
20-something Chinese guy: You know what? Chinese people discovered America.
20-something Black guy: Bullshit.
20-something Chinese guy: It's true! There's an article on CNN showing we discovered America, there are maps. Chinese were here first before everyone else. Chinese people did everything before everyone else. White people take credit for everything, but now it's coming out that Chinese made all of these discoveries first. Don't you see a pattern? We're the shit.
20-something Black guy: The only pattern I see is that you motherfuckers pirate and resell every DVD, and now you're trying to bootleg history.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Ricky
They do Them on the Team bus
Little boy: Do you play basketball?
Black man: Yes I do.
Little boy: Do you play for the Knicks?
Boy's mom: Yes, professional basketball players spend their time off doing sudoku puzzles on the subway. Let's go.
--Downtown 1 train
Overheard by: Allisa
Warning: This Story is Character-Driven
Rhodes Scholar wigger: Yeah, we ain't together no more. Bitch had the nerve to dump me.
Friend: What happened? You guys looked fine last week. It doesn't make sense.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: She wasn't down with how I roll. Always dissin' the way I talk and shit--you know, correcting me and shit. Said she couldn't take it no more, that I was always actin' ign-i-ant or some shit. Like she's some brain scientist or some shit. Bitch was always wrong anyways.
Friend: Brain surgeon.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: What?
Friend: You said brain scientist. I think you meant brain surgeon.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: Dat's what I said nigga, you just heard me wrong.
Friend: You know what, suddenly it does makes sense.
--Manhattan bound F train
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
Wednesday One-Linezillas
Teenage bride-to-be on cell: ...yeah. But, no, I'm totally ready to walk across the aisle.
--Target, South Bronx
Overheard by: so this is the bronx
Suit: You expect me to spend the rest of my life with only one woman? One woman? One godforsaken woman?
--42nd St & Madison
Hula hoop guy to tourist couple: Sir! I'll show you! You don't have to do it, but hula hoops have saved a lot of marriages!
--Washington Square Park
Old woman to imaginary friend: I'd make a great wife, mothafucka!
--F train
Overheard by: Trying Not to Laugh
Girl: Can I do your brother at one of your weddings?
--Monitor St, Brooklyn
Young woman on cell: Well yeah, but he didn't sleep with your bridesmaids.
--82nd & Lex
Man on cell: Ok, fine! You want to get married?
--Upper West Side
In Fifteen Years, Nothing Else Will Be Remembered About Janet Jackson
Black chick #1: So I got my nipples pierced.
Black chick #2: No way! Let me see!
Black chick #1: Not on the train!
Black chick #2: It's not like I haven't seen them before. Remember at Rashon's party, where you pulled a Janet Jackson?
--Brooklyn bound F train
Overheard by: Scott
Slave Labor Doesn't Hurt the Bottom Line, Either
Drunk black girl: I get mad cheap shit in Chinatown. You can get shit for like ten cents. China knows what's up.
Drunk black guy: Shit. But they are communist and shit.
Drunk black girl: Yeah, but the U.S. is a bunch of idiots. They're like, "We are gonna make shit fuckin' expensive," and China is like, "FUUUCK YOUUU. We are gonna sell shit for like one dollar, and all you stupid white bitches gonna buy it up. Fuuuck youuu."
--N train, 28th St
Begging Is My Career, But What I Really Love Is Giving Lifestyle Advice
Black woman, to white kid flanked by two pretty girls: Hey, mista'! Ya got some change?
Same black woman, to the two girls: Don't go givin' away pussy fo' free!
--DeKalb Station
Overheard by: BagelOfTheDamned
You Catch It the Same Way You Do Unicorns
Gigantic suit, urinating outside: Excuse me, ladies. I apologize for that.
Ladies: It's OK.
Gigantic suit: There's a big black cock on the loose.
--19th & Broadway
Overheard by: becca
He Sees You As an Alternative Target, Not Protection
Chinese guy: Hey, now that you're here we can go to Sylvia's in Harlem and get some soul food.
Black guy: What do you mean, "now that I'm here"? What, you can't go to Harlem by yourself, but now that you've got your token black you're safe? That's fucked up.
Chinese guy: Let me ask you something: would you go to Harlem alone at night?
Black guy: OK, that's not the point.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Ricky
There Is a Well-Documented Correlation Between Mixed Breeding and Split Ends
Drunk girl #1: He has such bad hair.
Drunk girl #2: No, you know who has bad hair? Derek Jeter.
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, but he can't help it. He's half black... what? He is.
--Queens