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You Tell Me -- He's Right There Next to the Tuna
Fish guy: Yeah, my dad died of colon cancer in 2001.
Blonde: Oh, how's he doing?
--Grocery store, Astoria
Overheard by: Dustin
Headline by: Mr. Gee
Runners-Up:
· "'Great Listener' Is On Her Resumee" - Denny
· "Decomposing Quite Nicely, Thank You for Asking" - RBNY
· "I'd Say His Condition Is Stable" - Tadzio
· "Rolling Over About Now" - Kaitlen
· "Rotting, No Doubt" - Katy
· "Well, Mom Won't Share a Bed with Him Anymore." - Cassie
· "Worst Pick-up, Best Blow-off" - halfknot
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Why You Never See Toucan Sam Commercials Anymore
Building super #1: You seen that bird we got in the courtyard? That thing got a mad long beak.
Building super #2: It's probably a woodpecker.
Building super #1: It ain't no fuckin' woodpecker! Someone need to call the ASPCA or some shit before that thing bite someone and give 'em bird flu or some shit!
--2 train, 14th St
Overheard by: Chuckell
But I'm Looking for Barnes & Noble
Hardhat: Sir, what are you looking for?
Guy: There's a store on this street that sells toupées for old ladies' cunts.
--E 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Cassie
What's That? You Have a Bomb?
Tourist girl to friend: Oh my god, people are totally going to know we're from Boston when they hear our accents!
Guy sweeping cigarette butts: No, people are going to know you're from Boston when they hear you freak out and call the bomb squad over one of our electronic ads.
--49th & 9th
Overheard by: guy who dropped a couple of the cigarette butts
But That's Only Part-Time Under the Best of Circumstances
Angry union worker: You should join a union -- then you wouldn't be unemployed!
Angry unemployed man: You think your union is so fucking great? Then why don't you get me a fucking job?!
Angry union worker: Yeah, I'll get you a job! A job fucking yourself!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Becky
Yeah, but I Like to Leave Work at Work
Hardhat #1: I tell you what, I'm going to need a fucking beer tonight.
Hardhat #2: ... You just had one.
--6th Ave
I Never Believed Tupac Was Dead
Bronx guy: I mean, he's fuckin' a 12-year-old boy right now, as we speak.
Transit worker: I hear ya.
--Grand Central
Take This Package Nowhere in Particular. Immediately!
Bike messenger: Well, the problem with being a bike messenger is that you have to make stops, 'cause if you don't make stops you don't make any money.
Newbie: Yeah.
Bike messenger: But if I find a gig where I don't have to stop and I still made money, man, I'll have it made.
--5th St & Ave A
Dude, We're Not Relatives
Large maintenance man #1: Yo, you remember your little girl you left a while back?
Large maintenance man #2: Fuck, man, why you gotta bring that up?
Large maintenance man #1: I think I fucked her last night.
Large maintenance man #2: How the hell would you know that?
Large maintenance man #1: 'Cause she made that face you make when you lift shit.
--15th St & Union Sq West
Overheard by: margo
Sure, Why Not?
MTA worker #1: Que sera, sera.
MTA worker #2: Is that French?
MTA worker #1: Yeah.
--Times Square subway station
Overheard by: Cat
Obsessively Gay (for Tad)
Female MTA employee: I ain't seen you in forever! Did you start working nights again?
Male MTA employee: Yeah... It was alright. But then I got bored, so I started watching soap operas again. I can't believe Tad still looks the same.
Female MTA employee: Shit, you like him?
Male MTA employee: Hell yeah, I'm OG.
--4th Ave & 9th St station
Overheard by: Tacologic
Wednesday-One-Liners Prep for Their Roles in Mean Girls II
Woman on cell: I feel bad about ripping the kid off, but...
--Fort Greene Park
Overheard by: Zoe
Suit: Well, apparently I'm part psychic and part asshole.
--Union Square
Overheard by: quite the combo
Blue collar guy: I stopped giving to panhandlers 10 years ago. This guy hit me up every day at my stop and one day I gave him a sandwich and some cigarettes. I watched him and he threw the sandwich away. I went over to him and worked him over pretty bad. I dumped the trash can and took out the sandwich and then took the cigarettes away from him. Then I knocked him down again and took all the money out of his pockets. I was really mad when he threw that sandwich away. Now I never give anything to those guys.
Suit: Yep...
--1 train, Houston St
Overheard by: Amused Minnesotan
Woman on cell: You see, this is why you just can't be nice to people. I was nice to her once, once! And now she thinks we're friends. Like I need this!
--Bus stop near Radio City Music Hall
Yuppie on cell: I don't give a fuck about them. As long as I'm on their will, I don't really give a shit.
--34th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Gunita
Girl: So my grandma died last week and it sucked so bad, I had to drive all the way to Hartford on Saturday and I totally missed the huge sale at H&M.
--Statue of Liberty
Overheard by: SuziQ
Wednesday One-Liners Are Out the Door Before the Condom Comes Off
Building worker on cell: Like her? No, I don't like her. I have to like every girl that I bone? Terrible? Why is that terrible?
--52nd St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: blatto
Guy on cell: I'm looking for someone to, excuse my language, fuck, not just have sex with.
--Manhattan Ave
Overheard by: Jason
Eurotrash: So then I felt bad because he couldn't guess who I was and so I gave him a hint. I told him I would meet him at six o'clock at the motel, because you know, that was like our place!
--34th St & 5th Ave
Guy: You sleep with them once and they expect you to bring your toothbrush and loofa over the next time.
--Tad's Montana
Overheard by: Mishen
Girl on cell: Remember how I was talking to that guy in London? Well, he's coming to visit for five days. Yeah, it's gonna be fun. I've decided, after he leaves, I'm not going to talk to him anymore. What's the point? It's not even a relationship, it's a pseudo-relationship. You fight and get mad and what for? I'm not moving to London, he's not moving to New York. Yeah, so we'll have fun, and then when he leaves, I just won't talk to him anymore. How is that shady?
--N train, Astoria
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Girl: Yeah, I feel like I'm bangin' the whole world!
--Columbus Circle subway exit
He and the Mattress Giant are Getting Married in Central Park
Male worker: He isn't here today.
Woman worker: But I need him!
Man worker: But Mr. Clean ain't here today!
Woman worker whining: When?
Man worker: Not today!
--Electra Building
Two Honks, a Whistle and a 'Nice Ass' Means He Needs Directions
Man in truck: [Honks horn]
Rollerblading girl: What the hell does he want from me?
Man in truck: [Wolf whistles] Yeah, baby!
Rollerblading girl: ...Oh. Sex.--50th & RiversideOverheard by: Vicksburg
Headline by: Jaya
Runners-Up:
· "And That's How I Met Your Father... and Your Father. Oh, and Your Father Too." - michael Levy
· "He Puts the 'F' in 'Keep on Trucking'" - LadyP
· "I Knew Those Knee Pads Would Come in Handy!" - jackster
· "In Germany It Means 'Let's Play Scrabble Sometime'" - briguy
· "It's Called a Chevy Pick-Up" - jason
· "Next on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom: Mating Calls of the North American Teamster" - Tom Beckett
· "Pointing at Your Crotch Just Doesn't Say It Anymore" - Bevan
· "The Etymology of 'Horny'" - wavyfrog
· "They Usually Want To Discuss Dialectical Materialism" - International Man of Leisure
· "Well That, and Directions to Maryland" - that1dude
· "What's Wrong With a Little Four by Foreplay?" - Elle
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The AKC'S New Slogan
Park employee: Look, lady, if you want to have your dog off leash, you can bring it in after nine o'clock at night.
Upper-East-Side lady: Oh, that's a great idea. I'll just bring my dog into Central Park after nine...and get raped!
Park employee: What good is a dog if it can't stop you from getting raped?
--Central Park, 85th St
You Owe Us $500. So, Yes.
Client: You don't abuse my dog, do you?
Groomer: Let me check your card.
--Animal clinic, Queens
Scenes From the Day Before the Queens Blackout
Some Con Ed workers are standing around a manhole, peeking in and looking confused.
Con Ed worker: Just put some tape on it!
--43rd St & 30th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Jennifer Cuatt
He Means 'Know Him' in the Biblical Sense
Bus driver stops in the middle of the street to pick up a friend. A second, random guy hurries on the bus as well.
Bus driver, to random guy: Yo, this ain't no bus stop.
Random guy: Oh, I saw you pick him up, so...
Bus driver: Yeah, well I know him.
Random guy: Hi, I'm Dan.
--M1 bus, 110th & Madison
Pregnant Romanian Acrobat?
Doorman #1: What if she was a Chinese woman, would you help her?
Doorman #2: Oh, hell no.
--W 77th St
Overheard by: Cole Goadbog
He Hasn't Jerked Off to the Land's End Catalog in Months
Construction worker #1: Damn, look at that piece of ass!
Construction worker #2: Those are like National Geographic boobies!
--9th & Broadway
Overheard by: Joe
It's Like the Stupid Leading the Blind
MTA worker leading a blind man: You see where those turnstiles are? You're going to make a left there.
Blind man: OF COURSE I CAN'T SEE WHERE THE TURNSTILES ARE!
--59th St 6 train platform
Overheard by: ahcnaej
"This train will be going express. Next stop: Hell."
Speaker: Hello?
Guy: We've been waiting for like an hour. Any trains coming?
Speaker: Hold on, let me see...Hello, anyone there?
Guy: Yeah, we're here. There any trains coming?
Speaker: There's an police investigation at Broadway. I think someone got pushed onto the tracks and run over.
Guy: But are there any trains coming?
--2nd Avenue station
Overheard by: Mikey J.
Everything Seems to Happen to Him
Counter lady: 'Cause they look and talk like a woman, sometimes more than a woman! They be taking pills, shots...gives 'em a voice like a woman. I don't want you getting in something. You might kill somebody finding out it's not a woman.
Floor guy: Yeah, right.
Counter lady: Don't be saying that can't happen. It happened to a friend of my girlfriend's boyfriend.
--Duane Reade, 57th & 6th
"Ah. The Hillary Clinton concealer, then."
Counter lady #1: Do I have something on my face?
Counter lady #2: Yeah. Evilness.
--Cafe 212, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ariz
I'm Thankful That I'm Free
AM New York guy: AM New York!
Metro guy: Metro New York!
Guy #3: Free donuts!
AM New York guy: AM New York, Metro New York, free donuts, all at Penn Station, New York!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Jenny Lichtenwalner
Daily News guy: Hey baby, free Daily News. Hey baby, take my paper and you'll be satisfied...Yo baby, you take that paper and you keep looking that fine. Shake what God gave ya baby, and read my paper!
--Jamaica
He Does Dayenu But Not on Saturday
Yarmulke guy: You play the guitar?
Blue collar guy: Yeah, but not Havah Nagila or anything.
--3 train
You're Right, Though You're Nauseating
Construction guy #1: Yeah apparently, they just eat and eat and eat
until they can't anymore, and then go and throw it all up.
Construction guy #2: Wow, that's what skinny girls do?
Construction guy #1: Yeah, it's called bulimia or something. I think
it's actually a disease.
Construction guy #2: Yeah, but a disease that makes you look good, am I right?
--City College
Overheard by: Barbara Seifert
"Dad, how did you meet Mom?"
Woman: Ooh, where are you taking them?
Dogwalking guy: To pee on your leg.
--21st between 2nd & 3rd
By "Shawny" He Means "Sonny"
MTA guy: So, I was like just hoppin' outta the shower feeling all Irish Spring fresh and shit and I come into the living room and Shawny is sitting on the fucking couch. I was like, "Yo, Shawny...get off the couch!" He looked at me and growled and I was like, "So that's how it is?" I went and got a pair of gloves and a wiffle ball bat, came back in and was like, whack, and the little bitch totally chomped onto my leg and shit. I dragged him like that into the kitchen and sprayed into his mouth with Lysol and he hid under the kitchen table. Somebody gotta be the master in the house, yo.
--N train
Yeah, Attack of the 5-inched Pipelaying Retard
Pipelayer #1: I need four more inches.
Pipelayer #2: If I had four more inches, I'd be makin' movies.
--Bergen Street station
Yes, the General is Clearly a Wigger
Construction worker #1: Yeah, brotha. That's what I'm talkin' about. That's what you call a "White nigga".
Construction worker #2: You said it. Colin Powell ain't nothin' but George Bush's bitch.
--Hudson & Canal
Overheard by: Auhsoj Semaj
Putting Up Buildings, Tearing Down Builders
Construction guy #1: Hey, pretty boy! Whatcha got under that skirt?
Guy in skirt: Your girlfriend's fantasy.
Construction guy #2: Oh, shit. He got you there, dude.
--Broadway & 39th
It's Ham, Roasted Honey
Butcher: Would you like anything else today?
Lady: Not that I can think of. As a matter of fact I haven't really been able to think of much all day. Must be all the vicodin....So how do I prepare this?
Butcher: It's lunchmeat. You just eat it.
--Greenpoint market
Sassy is the New Black
Waitress: Hey, would you mind taking that table for me?
Waiter: How come?
Waitress: That guy's just a little too sassy for me.
--Chat n' Chew, E. 16th Street
Overheard by: Gus Colletti
Just Find Star Jones and Follow Her Trail
Brit: Excuse me, do you know where the Photography Museum is please?
Newsagent: Chocolate Museum?...Hey mamma, you know where the Chocolate Museum is?
Mamma: I never heard of no Chocolate Museum.
Brit: Not to worry. Thanks anyway.
--53rd St. Newsstand
Overheard by: Shaun Riordan
Wednesday One-liners, Again
Truck driver: Hey you!...Honey...yeah, you...you're number one...you're the best of the day, you win!
--Long Island City
Woman: I don't usually spend $40 on chapstick, but I really wanted it.
--1st & 52nd
Drugs+Music+Sammiches=Hilarity!
Sandwich Lady: I worked with him, you know.
Sandwich Guy: Who?
Sandwich Lady: Eric Clapton. He had a rep office on the island. I met lots of celebrities. KC and Jojo, they came too. They was on drugs.
--Cosi, 45th & Madison
Just One Block From Park Ave...
A bike messenger almost plows through the crowd at a crosswalk.
Messenger: You gotta look! You gotta look!
Black Woman: Nigger, you look! You ain't drivin' no car!
--44th & Madison
The Chorus to a Terrible Song
Woman #1: Are you going to be here for Christmas?
Woman #2: Yah.
Woman #1: For Thanksgiving?
Woman #2: Yah.
Woman #1: For--
Woman #2: Yah.
Woman #1: For--
Woman #2: Yah.
--Duane Reade, Greenwich Village
Scariest Overheard Ever
Train Staffer #1: Did you do that terrorism training yet?
Train Staffer #2: No. I'm trying to avoid it.
Train Staffer #1: Yeah. I already missed the first one.
--PATH Train
The Virtue of Selfishness
Pastry Shop Worker: Is anyone willing to give up their seat for a girl that has to stand on her feet all day?
Train Riders: [SILENCE]
Pastry Shop Worker: Come on, all you guys just go sit in front of your computers every day, how damn hard is that? I have to make shit for people and stand on my feet all day. You people are so selfish!
--6 Train
That's Public Service for You
One postal agent to other, speaking of the UPS agent nearby: Tell him to pick up all the heavy boxes, especially for the walk-ups.
--Bleecker street
Overheard by: Disco Lama
No, I Won't Shake
Super: Toilet's fixed. Sorry I was so gruff before, but my hands were full of shit.
--Ave A
