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I'd Fire You, but Good Scapegoats Are Hard to Find
Manager looking at flooded sink spilling onto floor: Maaan... Who did this?
Employees, in irritated chorus: Thomas.
Manager: Thomas, I'm gonna shit on you.
--AMC Empire, 42nd St
I Rest My Case
Tourist man: Hey, look at this! They're selling this stuff out on the street!
Tourist lady with thick accent: They have no doors! The rodents will steal all their bread!
Store owner: This is not a bread store, ma'am!
Tourist lady: They will steal your bread! The rodents will steal your bread!
Store owner: We have no bread here!
--Canal St
Friends Don't Let Friends Be Drug Mules
Black guy: I just really don't wanna go to prison in Africa.
White guy: Of course. And, if at any time you feel like that might be a possibility, the operation comes to a close. I value you and your sweet virgin ass and unslit throat over some cheap pot.
Black guy: That's how I know you're a real friend.
--Parking lot, LaGuardia
Overheard by: slightly confused
But Those Are the Only Presidents We've Had Who Were Related, Right?
Man looks down at Time magazine with Theodore Roosevelt on the cover.
Man: Wait. We had two President Roosevelts? When did that happen?
Supervisor: Yeah. There was, um, [looks at cover] Teddy, and, uh, shit. What was the other one named?
Man: I don't know. Shit, man, history's hard because, you know, there's just so much of it. It's, like, impossible to really understand it, I think.
Supervisor: Yeah, that's true.
--K-Mart, 9th St & 4th Ave
Overheard by: appalled customer buying swim trunks
Until My Message Is Heard
Assistant: Probably not, I don't see them as Miracle Whip people.
Boss: How many times do you have to tell that story?
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Dave
The Maids Ain't Milking Anymore
Businessman: Yeah, I had to fire like 8 people one Christmas eve.
Businesslady: Oh! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
--Liberty & Nassau
Overheard by: Erika
I Knew La Cosa Nostra Had to Be Involved
Little girl: Hey! Come over here!
Coffee guy: I can't! I'm working! Why don't you come over here?
Little girl: I can't! I've got family here!
Manager lady: Hey, so does he! All our workers are family here!
--Starbucks, Union Square SE
Overheard by: Chris R
Coffins Now 10% Off with Student ID!
Employee: Can I leave at 5?
Boss: Why?
Employee: I cannot work here for more than 5 hours day, for medical reasons.
Boss: What reason?
Employee: Well, this work is so dull and unsatisfying that if I work more than 5 hours a day I could jump out the window?
Boss: Wait, did you say you go to NYU?
--22nd Street office
Bystander guy #1: Congratulations!
Bystander guy #2: One sixteenth of you are gonna make it!
--NYU Graduation Ceremony, Washington Square Park
Today, He is Truly an African-American
Black guy: Good god. I had to actually work today.
Indian chick: By "work" you obviously mean taking credit for the many hours of hard labor endured by my fellow Indian IT brethren who report to you. You exploiting bastard.
Black guy: Ha, ha. Like slavery. But I'm Black.
Indian chick: Oh, the wicked irony.
Black guy: Word.
--Wall Street
Overheard by: drama
"No, I'm 5 years old."
A record company assistant is flirting with an older music executive. She asks: Do you have a girlfriend?
He responds by holding out his hand with fingers extended to show his wedding band.
Assistant: You have five girlfriends?
--Joe's Pub
Just tell him "PLUCK U"! It's the name of your fucking store!
Crazy customer: So you're the manager?
Manager: That's right.
Crazy customer: OK, then I needed to talk to you. Now, I'm not trying to get anyone in trouble. But this order is for my boss and she's a flat out bitch.
Manager: OK...
Crazy customer: The last time I was here, I ordered your boneless wings. And I got buffalo wings.
Manager: Wow, I'm sorry about that.
Crazy customer: Then I've got to go back to the office and hear about it. And your man there wasn't being helpful at all.
Manager: Well, try to put yourself in his shoes. Sometimes things get really busy and you can get swamped being the only guy at the register, and maybe you're not as polite as you should be.
Crazy customer: I worked at Wendy's, McDonald's AND Kentucky Fried Chicken at the Junction. I took a lot of crap from general managers.
Manager: Right.
Crazy customer: If someone wanted their sandwich upside down, that's how I gave it to them. I got buffalo wings and then I've got to eat it. I don't want them!
Manager: Well, here's your order. Thanks for saying something.
Crazy customer: So this is ten boneless wings?
Manager: Yes.
Crazy customer: Thanks. I didn't want to get anyone in trouble. It's just that I'm going to hear it from her if it's wrong, and she's a bitch. She just called me and she wanted me to get her to downtown Brooklyn in an hour. Excuse me? Do I have a rocketship?
Manager: Right, right.
Crazy customer: So these aren't buffalo wings, right?
Manager: Ten boneless wings with bleu cheese.
--Pluck U., East Village
YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST
Copy boy: Mr. Murdoch on the line.
The news editor on duty picks up the phone.
News editor: Right. Right. OK...Source? No source...Right...It's Gephardt. OK.
--NY Post Offices
