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Dude, Would You Please Cowboy Up?
Desperate law student: But I love you!
Heartless biotech: That's your problem, not mine.
Desperate law student: I can't live without you.
Heartless biotech: So don't.
Desperate law student: You wouldn't even care if I killed myself, would you?
Heartless biotech: Not unless you decided to do it in front of my house and I had to have police and the media there. Then I'd be pissed.
Desperate law student: How can you be so cruel to someone who loves you so much?
Heartless biotech: Oh, just one thing -- if you do decide to kill yourself try to do it the week of August sixth, 'cause I'll be in Martha's Vineyard with Jason then.
--Brooklyn Law School library
Overheard by: Big Larry - cringing with empathy
After I Rob Your Corpse, of Course
Girlfriend: I am going to kill myself and blame it on you.
Boyfriend: Great... I'll sign your suicide note!
--Broadway & Lafayette
Overheard by: sneakey black guy
Engorged and Tingling Wednesday One-Liners
Drunk Brit with arm around ugly lady: Oh, Jesus, just walking is making me horny.
--10th & 2nd
Overheard by: emilia
Girlfriend to boyfriend: Your hair is making me horny.
--B train
Overheard by: Janelle
Guy in hoodie: I don't know -- rain gear just doesn't really turn me on.
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ktg
Loud woman: According to recent research, a nine-month-old fetus can experience an erection.
--Bus to Staten Island
Chick on cell: ... And he was, like, rubbing his erection on me, and I was like, 'Dude, you're rubbing your erection on me...'
--Fordham University
Lady: What are horny men doing at Build-a-Bear, anyway?
--40th & 5th
Overheard by: don't wanna know
Wednesday Blood-Liners
British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.
--1 train
Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!
--Bronx Science engineering class
Overheard by: LSB
Suit on cell: Why isn't it done? Why isn't it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?
--41st & Broadway
Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.
--1 train
Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.
--Mulberry St
Overheard by: Ashley
Teen chick on cell: I'm going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I'm going to cut it off! Yes! I'm going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you... Yes! I! Am! Well, I can't think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: still recovering
Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Oh My God
And If Anybody Else Wants It
Chick: What the hell you doin' goin' around hittin' on other women?
Boyfriend: It ain't like that! It ain't like that!
Chick: What's the matter witchoo?! [Slaps him.]
Boyfriend: I just want to know if I still got it!
--Meatpacking District
And... I Have No Second Point to Make
Girlfriend: This guy told me that a girl told you it would be worth your while to cheat on me!
Boyfriend: First of all, I didn't tell her I had a girlfriend...
--F train
You Can Do It, You Just Can't Talk about It
Boyfriend: I would never go ass to mouth.
Girlfriend: I like to call my ass area the 'danger zone.'
Boyfriend: It is. There is serious bacteria there, and you shit out of it. I mean, how do you know that person didn't just have diarrhea?
Girlfriend: You are the most disgusting person alive.
--42nd & Broadway
Yeah, but Is It Eat-Me-During-My-Period Hot?
Girl: God, whenever you kiss me on the subway your teeth hit mine! I think some drool got up my nose.
Boy: That is so hot.
--C train
Overheard by: Lauren
And My Impasto Technique
Girlfriend: I just had an... [glances at boyfriend]... orgasm.
Boyfriend, smugly: Because of me.
--The Met
Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together
Boyfriend returning from bathroom: That corn from the enchiladas last night came right out -- like corn ass soup.
Girlfriend, eating a pretzel: Goddammit, baby, I'm eating. I don't want to hear about you cumming up my nose, or corn ass soup.
--Central Park
Well, What Have You Got That's Motorboatable?
Chick: Oh my god, Ali. You totally motorboated me at the bar last night!
Ali: And then you showed your tits to everyone, you whore.
Chick: Yeah, but I got a free shot.
Ali: And I do enjoy seeing your tits...
Ali's boyfriend: Is it weird that you like her tits more than me?
--Metro North out of Fordham
Recreational Poverty Is So Hot Right Now
Hobo: Can you spare some change?
Boyfriend: No, sorry. [Hobo walks away.] That's the second person to ask me for money today already.
Girlfriend: Yeah, people are really poor today.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Amber
Probably Quite a Story behind That Observation
Dude #1: My girlfriend is allergic to gluten.
Dude #2: Having a girlfriend with a food allergy is worse than having a girlfriend with a dick!
--11th St & Ave B
They Wanted Someone Who Could Hallucinate Outside the Box
Fashionista: Yeah, one time I thought I took, like, 96 bong hits, but then I realized that I wasn't inhaling.
Boyfriend: What about the time you ate thirty mushrooms and applied to Morgan Stanley?
Fashionista: Haha, I know! Who would have thought I'd have gotten that job?!
--Bowery Bar
See? Classic Dickwad Behavior
Teen chick on cell: Yeah, he's a total dickwad. But I've got to go -- I'm going to break up with him right now.
Boy walking with her: Me? Fuck you, bitch.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Ren
I Know That Guy, and His Dick Is Huge
Boyfriend about loud passing motorcycle: You know, guys who clean their pipes like that have small genitalia.
Girlfriend: Well... I'm not so sure about that.
--18th & Park
Overheard by: Bob who likes to walk
They're Both Looking to Trade Up
Girlfriend: Wait, so they're engaged?
Boyfriend: They're engaged... in the Murray Hill sense.
--Duane Reade, 33rd & 3rd
Overheard by: mb
It's More of a Character Immersion Technique
Frustrated boyfriend: Stop acting stupid!
Frantic girlfriend: I'm not acting!
--A train
Overheard by: SarahJ
Sorry, Ike, You're on Your Own
Drunk girl: [Singing.]
Boyfriend: Can somebody just smack her in the face for me?
--43rd & 3rd
Overheard by: Blaze Boy
I'd Maim Him, Baby, So He'd Have to Live with It
Girl: What? It's not so messed up. He wanted to kill him, because he killed his girlfriend.
Guy: Um...
Girl: What? If someone killed me, you wouldn't want to kill him?
Guy: Well... There's no way I'm getting out of this conversation well, is there?
--PATH train
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
When You're Here, You're Dysfunctional Family
Blonde looking in compact: I need a new nose.
Boyfriend: I need a new apartment.
Blonde, whiny: It's always your needs! What about mine?!
Boyfriend: You just spent five thousand dollars on your fucking tits with my money!
Server waiting to take order: I'll come back when you two are ready...
--Olive Garden, Chelsea
I Never Go Anywhere without My Interpreter
Guy #1: My girlfriend is making me go see the Rachel Ray show live.
Guy #2: Why? Man, you need to put that shit to rest.
Guy #1: What does that even mean?
Guy #3: He's saying you're a pussy-whipped fag and that your girlfriend is a bitch.
--6 train
Overheard by: Shreve-ey-ey
Whosoever Can Pull This Dildo from This Ass...
Chick: Oh my god, I feel so sore. Next time can you not use the bigger dildo?
Dude: I can try, but I can't give you any guarantees.
--68th & Lex
Overheard by: Amo
Un Film de Wednesday One-Liners
Russian guy on cell: I went to see Saw III. Best movie ever -- the girl in front of me fainted in the beginning of the movie! Five minutes into the movie she just fainted, and her boyfriend started calling for help. I called an ambulance, they took her away... That movie was awesome!
--Brooklyn-bound Q train
Overenthusiastic male student: Oh! I met Borat! He goes to NYU, right?
--Hunter College
Guy to everyone in theater: Shhh, I'm recording this!
--Movie theater, Court St, Brooklyn
Blonde: Yeah, so I watch Brokeback Mountain like it's my Bible. I hang on every word, 'cause I really want to know how gay people talk.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Stina
Guy on cell: 28 Days was just stupid. Zombies aren't like that. Dawn of the Dead is the most realistic portrayal of zombies I've ever seen!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Philip Niosi
Chick to hipsters: I did my first autopsy to The Wizard of Oz.
--The Village, near Mulberry
Overheard by: DC Diva
And Think How Many You Just Wasted on Rent
Frat boyfriend: Wait, 525,600 what? What was that about?
Girlfriend: Minutes, baby. It's, like, how many minutes we have in our lives.
Frat boyfriend: Oh. [Two blocks later] Wait, 525,600 what? Minutes?
Girlfriend: Yes. Minutes.
--Nederlander Theatre, 41st & 7th
Wow, Social D Is Still Together?
Boyfriend: Wha-- what?
Girlfriend: Weren't you listening?
Boyfriend: I'm really excited to see Social D tonight. I haven't been paying attention for the last hour.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Depends on Whether I Get Everything Back
20-something girl singing: Put your cock and balls in my mouth... La-la-la.
Boyfriend: What?
20-something girl: I just think it would be fun.
--66th & 3rd
Overheard by: I wish
Setting Aside Any Inconvenient Commandments
Girlfriend: I don't know, wouldn't that be sort of... unethical?
Boyfriend: No, it's not! We just need to adjust our standards.
--Central Park
Actually, He Was Totally Calling You 'Fat'
Boyfriend to angry girlfriend: I's just sayin'!
Girlfriend, apologetically hugging him: Aw, you didn't say you was jus' sayin'!
--Jamaica Station
Overheard by: Danial
Why Can't I Free Myself from the Spell of Your Charms?
Chick: Oh, come on. It wouldn't be anti-Semitic if she told you to take your Stars of David off her Christmas tree.
Boyfriend, under his breath: Fucking shiksa.
--President St & 5th Ave, Park Slope
Then I'd Retreat to the Shower and Scrub Myself with Brillo
Girlfriend: What would you do if I just suddenly grew a penis?
Boyfriend: Well, first I'd scream. Then, I'd probably jack you off.
--7 train station, Main St
Nah, She's Faking the Hysteria, Too
Boyfriend: I'm sorry, I just can't be with you anymore. You're too clingy.
Girlfriend: I'm not clingy! I fucked, like, ten other guys!
Boyfriend: While we were dating?
Girlfriend: Whatever, it was because you're not that good in bed. Oh, yeah, I faked all my orgasms, by the way. And my boobs? --Aren't water balloons!
Boyfriend: Dude. First of all, we're on a motherfucking-packed subway. Second of all, being a crazy bitch isn't going to help your case.
Girlfriend starts crying hysterically: You can't break up with me! I love you! I love you! I love you!
Stranger, to boyfriend: If you're thinking of killing yourself after this, I sell knives.
--Brooklyn-bound L train
Through the Beaded Curtain
Boyfriend: What are you looking for?
Girlfriend, looking at signs above aisles: 'Rectal.'
--Target, Atlantic Center
But I Promise I Won't Do That Anymore
Girl: Do you remember what you promised me before you left?
Guy: What? No.
Girl: You don't remember what you promised me?
Guy: I promise you things all the time. I never remember any of them.
--Coffee house, East Village
Look at How Stretched-Out Her Vagina Is
Boyfriend: Y'know, you can tell she was really pretty... What?
--Bodies exhibit, Fulton St
Overheard by: also stared
Looks Like Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal Are Back on Again
Girl: Am I ugly?
Boy: Animal-human hybrids should be slaughtered.
Girl: What?
Boy: Nothing, sweetie.
Girl: Oh. For a second I thought you were being mean or something.
--Roxy cafe, John St
Like the One From That Spanking Movie
Girlfriend: I just don't know what else I'd do for a career. I don't know how to do anything else.
Boyfriend: That's silly. You'd be a great secretary!
[Pause]
Boyfriend: What? I mean like a high powered executive secretary.
--1st & 1st
Plus, Her Other Boyfriend Already Has One
Girl #1: So it's my beer pong table, right? If we ever break up, I get the table?
Guy: Well, half of it.
Girl #1: Noo! If you're going to cut it in half, you can have it. I don't want to see the table ruined. I care about beer pong that much.
Girl #2: Wow, it's like the Judgment of Solomon.
--1 train
Overheard by: djlindee
Always Showing Off the Awards
Guy: I haven't brushed my teeth in 48 hours.
Girl: Ew, that's so gross.
Guy: Hey, you're the one that's kissing me. Want to see some plaque?
--1 train
The DEVO is Always the Last to Know
Guy #1: Dude, where's your woman tonight?
Chick: Yeah, where is she?
Guy #2: She's back in Ohio breaking up with her boyfriend.
--112th & Amsterdam
I Don't Get These New Strand Flyers
Girlfriend: It's just that I give you pristine vagina and you give me used books.
Boyfriend: Your gratitude is staggering.
--D train
Just Ask Dave Thomas
Teen girl: Why are we here? Why can't we just go to McDonalds?
Teen guy: This is much better, trust me.
Teen girl: But I know what I like at McDonalds.
Teen guy: But this is much better quality than McDonalds. This is good for you, it's healthy.
--Wendy's, Castle Hill
Overheard by: Stef
You're No JonBenet, Sister
Girl: Am I the cutest?
Guy: Maybe...are we including dead people?
--143rd & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
You Just Know He Did a Fatty Arbuckle on Her
Guy: Can I get a Sparkling Mango?
His GF stares at him.
Guy: I'm very secure with my sexuality. And after making you come so sweetly--twice!--you should be too.
--Schiller's, Rivington Street
Overheard by: Idan
She Didn't Implement Her Plan Very Well
Hipster girl: I want him to think I'm clever, not some desperate a-hole.
Hipster guy: Good luck!
--Central Park
Guy: Is that your boyfriend? I saw you guys making out at the bar.
Drunk girl: He's just a friend. He's whatever. I'll probably be making out with you tomorrow.
Guy: That's great.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Spooner
Crazy in the Head, Crazy in the Bed
Asian guy: She's crazy. She's obsessed with death!
Pudgy White guy: But she's hot.
Black guy: So what?
Pudgy White guy: Yeah, she's crazy...but she's hot. They kind of balance each other out, you know?
--F train
Overheard by: emdashes
Boyfriend: What about kitty?
Girlfriend: Oh, I could eat kitty. No really, I could make a great stir-fry with the cat.
Boyfriend: You would eat my cat?
Girlfriend: Ah, that would be a great way to get at you: eat your cat.
--St. Mark's Place
Smells Like Teen Coitus
Guy: Why didn't you want to tell my mom what you're studying in school?
Girl: What was I supposed to do, say, "I study sexuality and your son is homework" and drag you by the arm into the bedroom? I don't want her thinking I'm some kind of hussy who only uses people for sex as part of her doctoral research.
Guy: Actually, she would've been fine with that.
--Mott & Grand
Overheard by: Djlindee
Weightlifter Wisdom
Bodybuilder: Dude, I was ignoring all the RED FLAGS that were going up about my relationship! You GOTTA ask yourself whether you're gonna let her do that to you!
--71st & Broadway
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
