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In Where, Exactly?
Six-year-old son, indicating sex shop: Can I?! I want to go in there!
Frazzled mother: No. Just... no.
--Christopher, between Bleecker & Hudson
Overheard by: Colleen
But in the Breasticles and the Buttzoid
Skater boy #1: Julie's not pretty.
Skater boy #2: No?
Skater boy #1, pointing to his face: No, not... Not... Not... In the faciness.
--McDonald's, 71st & Amsterdam
I'll Never Sit Again after All This Anal
Boy #1: When I'm in high school, I'll only be able to get blowjobs standing up!
Boy #2: Rad.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Joe Coleman
This from the Kid Who Wants a Dora the Explorer Backpack?
Eight-year-old: But Dad, why are we in the bookstore if we're not buying books?
Dad: Because Daddy likes quiet places.
Eight-year-old: That sounds gay.
Dad, looking nervous: Shut up!
--Borders
Overheard by: Eyeoftherabbit
For the Next Three Seconds, Anyway.
Mother to noisy, restless son: You know what? As soon as we get home I'm calling your doctor. You're going back on medication.
Kid, screaming: Nooo! [Spotting boarding passenger] Oh, he has a wrestling shirt! I want a wresting shirt!
--M101 bus
Overheard by: Glad it's not my kid
The Cooties Appear to Have Gone to His Brain
Four-year-old #1: Ice cream makes your head fall off.
Four-year-old #2: No, it doesn't.
Four-year-old #1: It was just an expression, asshole.
Four-year-old #2, to his dog: Don't let him pet you.
--Central Park
Overheard by: amused tourist
Have You Been Reading Mommy's Diary Again?
Four-year-old boy: There are too many people on the train. Someone needs to get off.
Mom: Who needs to get off?
Four-year-old boy: Us!
--A train
Overheard by: otilio
So You Want to Make the Little Nuggets?
Mom: You poor hungry boy... I'll make dinner for you as soon as we get home.
Six-year-old son, sullenly: Okay.
Mom: Do you want macaroni and cheese? How about pasta? I can make you those little nuggets. [Son shakes his head.] Oh, is it the other kind of hunger? Do you have to poop? [Son nods.]
--Elevator, Washington Heights
Overheard by: Morgan
Do You Want to Start Learning Things? Do You?!
Little boy, passing gym: Oooh, they're doing exercises in an exercises store!
Little girl: Is that their job?
Mother: I told you to stop asking so many damn questions!
--B51 bus, Brooklyn
Or, You Know, Whatever
Dude #1: You got laid last night, so shut up. Although I never saw her, so I don't know what she looked like.
Dude #2: Neither do I...
Dude #1: Yeah, I thought about staying up and waiting just to get a look at her.
--17th & Irving
Overheard by: B-Round
That's a Bunch of Jobs, Really
Girl: I want that job! Is there really a job like that?
Boy: Yeah, it's called a whore.
--NYU dining hall
Overheard by: sjhaughty
... Whom I've Only Seen on Sonograms So Far
10-year-old gangsta #1: Yo, I got all kinds of bitches. Right now I gotta choose...
10-year old gangsta #2: Yo, what you talkin' 'bout?
10-year-old gangsta #1: I got this young bitch... I gotta choose between a girl that's my age or a younger woman.
--1 train
Overheard by: D. J.
No, Psychokinetically. And Don't Go All "Carrie" on Me
Mom: Daniel, it's time you started opening doors for me.
Son: Um... okay.
Mom: Well? [Gestures at doors.]
Son: Oh! I thought you meant metaphorically...
--W 111th St
Overheard by: Talker's Remorse
Headline by: Arliss Travers
Runners-Up:
· "...like When We Played Doctor." - mike chmiel
· "Just Like Your Allowance" - nobody
· "No, I Meant Vaginally" - DanaLishs
· "Sorry, My Oedipus Complex Doesn't Kick in for Another Year or Two." - Andrew G
· "Thalidomide or No, You Work That Flipper Young Man" - bobofthejungle
· "The Birds and the Bees Talk Really Confused Me...." - Breanne S.
· "You Know, Like When You Tell Dad the Garden Needs Watering" - Jonty
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
What? I Got the "Special" Expansion Pack
White boy #1: Am I the big, hairy guy?
White boy #2: No, you're the guy with the assless chaps.
--During game of XBox 360 Guitar Hero, Apartment, Ave D
Winning the War Against Space Chickens, One Bird at a Time
Little boy: Is this a fighter plane?
Grandma: No. A fighter plane is quicker and can only fit two people.
Little boy: ... Then why are there lasers?
--JFK
Overheard by: Adam Vine Whip
Headline by: Miss Edith
Runners-Up:
· "Dont EVER question lasers" - melissa
· "For the sharks, of course" - Britta
· "In case you start kicking the seat in front of you" - bobofthejungle
· "To Protect Us From Gay Marriage" - ImmaculatePizza
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
...My Parents, Teachers, Mailmen, That Guy at the Bodega...
Middle-school boy: Yeah, you're a pathological liar.
Middle-school girl: What do you mean? When have I lied to you? I never lie. I only lie to my therapist.
--1 train
Overheard by: cate
I'm Supposed to Put This in My College Fund
Young boy #1: Today is the day your mother birthed you and you only got five dollars?
Young boy #2: We got troubles.
--Prospect Heights
We'd All Go Back, but Who Wants Us?
Nanny: You don't want to watch the parade?
Little boy: They think... They think... They think the government should give them jobs even though they are from other countries, but they should just go back.
--Immigration march, 14th & Broadway
Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson
And Be Ignored
Teen boy in suit: Wow, look at that cute girl!
Teen boy with rolling book bag: Oh, yeah... I'd like to walk next to that.
--Citibank, Forest Hills
Headline by: Trey
Runners-Up:
· "And then I'd hold the fuck out of her hand" - NJgal
· "Chicks dig my sweet wheels" - Marissa
· "I Would Awkwardly Avoid Eye Contact with That Like A Motherfucker" - Leland
· "I'd Carry Her Books So Hard" - Barry P.
· "I'd stick my pen in that pocket protector!" - wannabenyc
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Teacher Will Now Call on the Sleeping Kid in the Back
Boy trying to get teacher to call on him: Oh my god, I have a really good point to make!
Girl, just as eager: Shut up! Mine is better!
--Hunter College High
Like Trying to Stop the Tide, Mom
Eight-year-old black boy: Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall. Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall.
Mom: I told you to stop that!
Eight-year-old black boy, three minutes later: Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall. Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall.
--Restroom, Penn Station
Overheard by: Amanda
Do You Know the Rules? 'Cause I Sure Don't
Five-year-old boy: Let's play Spin the Bottle!
Friend with water bottle: Yeah!
--228 E 23rd St
Below the Waterline an Iceberg Is Mostly Bear
Boy #1: Polar bears don't melt in water!
Boy #2: Yeah, they do. They swim in it and they disappear.
Boy #1: Wow, really?
--LIRR
Reader Poll: Will That Quote Ever Fucking Die?!
Boy at screen door: Mom, can I come in?
Mom: Show me.
Boy: What?
Mother: Show me the money.
--Meserole Ave, Greenpoint
I'm a Silent, Consensual Killer
Boy: I'm a ninja... but not a tree ninja.
Friend: That's good.
Boy: And I don't rape people.
Friend: That's also good.
Boy: Or trees...
--Bus
Ah, the University of Life
Little boy: I know three things about aliens. One, they don't have hair. Two, they don't have mouths. Three, they don't have privates.
20-something: Then how do you know if it's a boy or a girl alien?
Little boy: Um, they're not boys or girls. They're its... Or she-males.
20-something: Where did you learn 'she-males' from?!
Little boy: Third Avenue.
--N train
Unless You Count Splash Mount Sinai
Little boy pointing at St. Patrick's Cathedral: Daddy, what is that?
Father: That's a church. Maybe when you're older we can go inside and look around.
Little boy: Daddy, are there rides in there?
Father: No, no rides.
--51st & 5th
If It Involves Killing with Steel, Japan Has It
Mother: Do they still have ninjas?
Six-year-old boy: Duh, Mom -- in Japan.
Mother: Oh, I only knew about the Ninja Turtles.
--Escalator, Grand Central
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Consider Yourself Warned
Middle school boy: Yo, you ever seen that show Sex and the City on HBO?
Three friends: No.
Middle school boy: I thought there'd be mad sex on it. There wasn't any! They should call that show 'White Bitches Talking.'
--Brooklyn Middle School
Least Cool Was When You Scared Me Last Halloween
Boy #1: Seriously, that was, like, the coolest place I ever took a shit.
Boy #2: Wait, where were you?
Boy #1: I was on top of the mountain!
Boy #2: Oh.
--3rd St & 7th Ave
The Kind Who Has All of the Other Colors Already
Man: You know that Santa Claus doesn't exist, right?
Six-year-old boy: No, he does exist. When I wrote him a letter and asked him for pink Plush Puppies, I got them on Christmas.
Man: Dude, then you are a serious homosexual. What kind of boy asks for pink Plush Puppies?
--Rockaway
Overheard by: Bully
What War Movies Have These Kids Been Watching?
11-year-old boy #1 playing with toy gun: You fucked my mom in the ass! [Makes shooting noises, then ducks.]
11-year-old boy #2, nervous, to perplexed passerby: Uhhh, he wasn't talking to you...
--10th & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: ian
That's for Emergencies, Not for Pique
Wailing six-year-old boy: But whyyy?!
Mom: Well, I know, honey, but kick him in the shins, don't kick him in the balls!
--Prince & Broadway
I Said Later... Wait, What?
Teen boy: Mom, is it true that some people are both a man and a woman?
Mom: Yes. Well, sort of. Can we talk about this when we get home?
Teen boy: So does that mean they have, like, both--
Mom: --Yes, honey, now be quiet for a little while, okay?
Teen boy: Does that mean they can, like, do the slinky?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Mike N
They Accomplished So Much Less Than That
Little boy #1: I wish dinosaurs lived in Central Park.
Little boy #2: Dinosaurs aren't real -- they're from the TV.
Little boy #3: Dinosaurs are real, they just live on other planets.
Little boy #2: Like Pluto!
Little boy #1: Pluto isn't a planet anymore. The scientists blowed it up.
--M86 bus
Overheard by: pluto is still a planet to me
Why Are We Here, Then?
Little boy: What is that?
Mom: That's a brain.
Little boy: Evil brain?
Mom: No, it's not evil.
--Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Frat Boys Are Born, Not Made
Four-year-old boy to random woman: Why did the skeleton go out to dinner?
Woman: Why?
Four-year-old boy: Because he wanted to get some ribs! [Boy and brother laugh hysterically.]
Boys' mom: Oh, Benjamin, you're so shy.
Four-year-old boy: I'm not shy! I talk a lot because I'm drunk! [Ladies nearby laugh, mother blushes.] ... I farted.
--LIRR
Once the Boys Were Brought to the Yard, It Was All Downhill from There
Father: So, what did you guys do at Timmy's* sleepover?
Boy: I don't really remember... We had one too many milkshakes.
--1 train
Creepy, Creepy Friends
Hipster guy: Yeah, my dad's a bird-petter.
Hipster girl: How much does he make for that?
Hipster guy: About three friends a year.
--R/W platform, 8th St
Overheard by: the imbiber
Needles Just Aren't Cool Anymore
Teen boy #1: Would you do Jane?
Teen boy #2: Well, she's pretty hot... Got nice tits and all, but don't you consider diabetes a turn-off?
Teen boy #1: Yeah, dude, totally.
--Metro-North, 125th St stop
Overheard by: Ek CrIsp
When You Realize Your Pain Is Self-Inflicted
Teen girl: Something must have gone wrong during her wax.
Teen boy: What was it?
Teen girl: I don't know. She was, like, crying. And she hasn't gotten another wax. I just don't get it.
Teen boy: Sucks for her.
Teen girl: Seriously.
--Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: still speechless
Usually Found in a Bush
Boy: Mommy, what's a vah-jay-jay?
Mom: A bird, sweetie! A wonderful bird.
--Wall St
Wait, Can We Start Over?
Teen boy #1: You hit like a girl.
Teen boy #2: Yeah, well, you taste like a girl.
--110th St & Cathedral Pkwy
Kiss My Axe, Mom
Mother: The other day I walked past a bunch of Hispanic teenagers. They smelled really good.
Teen boy: It's Axe.
Mother: What?
Teen boy: Axe.
Mother: Wait, what?
Teen boy: Axe!
Mother: Ass? That's not nice to say about Hispanic people.
--SoHo
Overheard by: Kevo C.
Hey, Whatever It Takes to Get Them Out of Diapers
Boy: Mom, why is there a line here and not on the boys' side?
Mom: Girls go to the bathroom differently. You guys can just stand around and pee and make crosses. You know -- how you and Daddy make crosses with your pee-pees?
--Line for women's room, Radio City Music Hall
Just Get Her a Copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves
Girl: Does titty-fucking actually feel good? Or does it just look hot?
Boy: Actually, it makes me physically ill. It gives me vertigo.
Girl: Should I eat my earwax?
--91st & 6th
They Told Me That
Son: Today someone in class called me a 'Jew.'
Drunk dad: Did you tell them your dad's Presbyterian and your mom's a bitch?
--42nd & 8th
Tourists on Trains and Snakes on Planes
Teen boy tourist #1: Okay, finally we're on the damn train.
Teen boy tourist #2: Yeah, for real. Take forever, god!
Teen boy tourist #1: Hey, you know, those people lied to us! They said we can take the N, but this one is going to 14th Street, too. I read the map.
Teen boy tourist #2: Why did they lie to us?
Teen boy tourist #1: Probably because we were acting like such tourists. That's probably what they do, just stand in the subway waiting to prey on confused tourist kids.
Teen boy tourist #2: We should get some iPods. That would fix it.
Teen boy tourist #1: Why would that fix it?
Teen boy tourist #2: Look around. I count five people on this train with iPods. They make you look 'New York.'
--Downtown W train
Overheard by: The N would have gotten you there faster...
Headline by: Sean Boudreau
Runners-Up:
· "But the fold up maps make us look like we're from Jersey." - Jeff
· "For every ipod in the subway, apple kills a tourist" - monkey
· "Know What Else Is Authentic? Gunshot Wounds" - J.M. Berger
· "Losing The "God Hates Fags" Shirts Would Also Help" - miss c
· "New York: Uhh, Lose Ten Pounds, Convert to Judaism, and Maybe We'll Talk" - salute deez nuts
· "Nobody tell them about the secret handshake" - Destroyer
· "Sure, you can buy the ipod, but the disaffected stare can only be acquired from years of indifference" - morgz
· "That look isn't new york, it's contempt" - squirrel
· "You can keep them in your fanny packs" - jh
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Romeo and Juliet: Shakespeare's First Draft
Teen boy: I couldn't put it all the way in, though.
Teen girl: Ew, ew, ew.
Teen boy: I don't know how they do that in pornos.
Teen girl: One second -- are you gay?
Teen boy: Not really. Like, I'd totally do you.
Teen girl: You wish! Got Jake's shit all over your dick. Ain't no way.
--Smiling Pizza, 7th Ave, Park Slope
Headline by: Malingerer
Runners-Up:
· "Bi-curiousity killed the pussy" - Mojosaves
· "Have your jake and eat it too" - teensaredisgusting
· "He called 'no homo'" - Jedipus
· "He probably couldn't put it all the way in, because he's not willing to come all the way out" - Ryan
· "Jake the German Shepherd was extra eager to meet his master that night." - Adrenna
· "Methinks the lady doth protest too much" - assley
· "The Straw That Brokeback Mountain" - B
· "The shit washes off. The gay? Not so much." - Sean
· "Then How 'bout a Dirty Sanchez?" - Hobo Whisperer
· "When the front door slams shut, sometimes the back door opens" - steve devan
· "You say tomato, I say hepatitis" - Mark Poepsel
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Snout and Fangs Were Unexpected
Second grade boy #1: When we get to be 10 years old we're gonna grow hair in our armpits!
Second grade boy #2: Oh, yeah, that's true -- it happened to my brother!
--Elementary school
Overheard by: sit down and eat your lunch
Just Back from a Tour as a Guantanamo Interrogator
Mom: You're the mommy.
Little boy: I'm not the mommy.
Mom: You're the mommy.
Little boy: I am not the mommy.
Mom: You're the mommy.
Little boy, screaming: I am not the mommy!
--Little Italy grocery
Overheard by: should i be taking parenting notes?
...Especially While I'm Using It
Young son: Your penis is bigger than my penis.
Father: I should hope so. [Several seconds later] Don't touch it!
--Big Apple Circus, men's room
Overheard by: Julian
On a related note, I think my pot dealer's been ripping me off
Teen boy: Yo, why do they call it a quarter to 8? It's 15 minutes, and 25 is a quarter.
Girl: Huh?
Teen boy: If I say a quarter to 8, what time is it? It's 7:45, but that doesn't make no sense, it should be 7:35, a quarter is 25 not 15. You still don't get it do you?
Girl: No, I get it, I get it.
Boy: It just doesn't make no sense.
--Q54 Bus, Queens
Overheard by: Emily
Headline by: Brian Q
Runners-Up:
· "At half past eight, he had a profound revelation" - born dumb and in denial
· "Cents and Sensibility" - Jeannine
· "Don't get him started on "25 or 6 to 4"" - Morgan Charles
· "He may be dumb, but he's perpetually early" - Josh H
· "Hobo: I'll take either" - Jedipus
· "How Parking Meters Rip Us Off" - meter man
· "Kid has a point" - ello
· "Metric time claims another victim" - remark
· "Still searching for his 25 minutes of fame..." - C.T. Aiken
· "Time is money, but the dollar is weak" - Mike Britton
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Remember, Nothing Is as Nice as Thin
Little boy: She was nice
Snobby mother: Yeah... but she was too fat.
--79th & Amsterdam
See? Saw!
Mother, pointing to a woman playing the musical saw: She is singing!
Son: No, She's playing the saw.
Mother: There is an orchestra playing!
Son: It is a tape.
Mother: And she is singing?
Son. No. She is sawing.
Mother: What did you say?
Son: Go, have a look.
Mother: .......
Son: And?
Mother: It's like singing.
Son: That's it, the saw.
Mother: What a nice voice she has!
Son: She is not singing. It's the saw that's singing.
Mother: No way... She is singing into the saw?
Son: No, no singing. Just sawing.
Mother: But she is opening her mouth.
Son: She is breathing.
Mother: Are you sure she is not singing?
--Union Square subway station
A Rhesus Monkey is Really Not a Good Pet
Mother: I don't want you playing with that! It's too big for you!
Son: I'm gonna spank it if I want to!
--Goodwill, 23rd St
Overheard by: Lady
They do Them on the Team bus
Little boy: Do you play basketball?
Black man: Yes I do.
Little boy: Do you play for the Knicks?
Boy's mom: Yes, professional basketball players spend their time off doing sudoku puzzles on the subway. Let's go.
--Downtown 1 train
Overheard by: Allisa
Just the Cutest Little Whiskers
Guy #1: What about my friend Beth that you met? She had a nice face.
Snotty guy #2: Oh, she had a rat face, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.
--Chipotle, Midtown
Andrea Dworkin's Kid was a Disappointment to Her
Son: Dad, can I squirt that in my face?
Dad: How many times do I have to tell you? No means no!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: bri b
From JC Penney to Stardom Was Just A Hop, Skip, and a Jump for RuPaul
Little boy: Ewww...ewww....
Mom: Stop saying ewww..those are bras..
Little boy: I hate bras
Mom: Don't say that, you'll change your mind when you gets older.
--JC Penney lingerie department, Queens
Overheard by: a fellow shopper
The Suppressed Eleventh Commandment: 'Thou Shalt Not Bogart the Roach'
Boy 1: Hey, what was that Exodus story about the burning bush? You know, didn't God give him something?
Boy 2: Yeah, God gave him the holy weed, and he smoked it.
--F train
Overheard by: Fareeda
And Apparently, She Kisses Her Kids with That Mouth
Mother: Bitches, get your asses over here!
Son #1: There's no seats.
Mother: There's one right here next to me.
Son #2: I wanna sit next to him.
Mother: I said, motherfuckers, get your asses over here. I don't want to sit by myself.
Son #1: There's nowhere to sit!
Mother: I said, get over here. I don't want to sit by myself. I don't know no one over here!
Older woman: Don't no one make friends with her.
--A train
Overheard by: Rehey
Let's Go to Thailand!
Little boy, looking at transvestite: Daddy, is that a boy or a girl?
Dad: It's a boy.
Little boy: But boys don't wear dresses!
Transvestite: Child, you got a lot to learn.
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: Jeremy
Criminal Masterminds Psychic Bitch and Midget Indian Hulk Went on to Fleece the Entire City
Girl: That psychic bitch stole our money!
Boy: She told me I was insecure!
Girl: That midget Indian hulk lied to me. He told me palm reading was real!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: rafferty
Dad Tries the Post-Modern/Eisenhower-Era Parenting Combo Attack
Dad, to little boy holding on to chain-link fence: Get off of that! You can't climb on that!
Son: But why?
Dad: Because it's art! And I said so.
--Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park, DUMBO
Overheard by: Lady
The Buddha Is Filled With Compassion For the Suffering Cement
Woman: Aren't your feet hot on the pavement?
Little barefoot boy: Yeah, but that's okay. The ground is really hot, too.
--Washington Square Park
And a Pimp Really Has to Have Some Sort of STD, You Know
Teen boy #1: So why did your dad lose his job?
Teen boy #2: All I know is that he had hepatitis for six months and cured it by eating nothing but fruit.
--83rd & 16th, Brooklyn.
Overheard by: Porko Rico
The Rusted '87, or the Stolen '92?
Thuggish 11-year-old #1, looking at in-flight magazine: That car is sweet.
Thuggish 11-year-old #2: Oh, it's okay. I'm a BMW man myself.
--AirTran flight out of LaGuardia
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Kids Can Be So Impatient While Their Drugs Are Kicking in...
Little boy: I wanna get high!
Mom: Shhh!
--Atlantic Center, Brooklyn
When Urban Patois Jumps the Shark
Teenage son, to his white dad: Dad, you look like a homeless person!
White mom: Yeah, you want a dollar, nigga!?
--87th & 3rd
Overheard by: Rob Dobrenski
Why Do You Think I See Dr. Milstein Twice a Week?
Son: Ya know, every time I go to a family reunion I discover a new family member I didn't know existed.
Dad: Such as?
Son: Did you know about Grandma?
--4 train
Saving Themselves for Marriage?
Teen boy #1: Well, it's too bad once they have their clothes off you can't get rid of them.
Teen boy #2: Oh, well I'd be like, "Bitch, what do you think you're doing? You beast!"
Teen boy #1: Yeah, I guess you can do that. Just like get them naked and then analyze their bodies, and then dismiss them.
Teen boy #2: Exactly!
--86th & 19th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: kelly
By Which I Mean 'A Really Good Way to Get Coke'
High school boy: I met him when he was doing coke at my lunch table.
High school girl: He's a really good guy.
--Bay Parkway, Brooklyn
Overheard by: W
They Have to Recruit, Because They Are Seldom Able to Reproduce
A small boy on the bus is flicking a flashlight.
Boy: Laser!
Geeky guy across the aisle: I think that's shaped more like a light saber.
Boy: Light saber!
--M104 bus
Overheard by: Andrew
Watch Your Mouth! Grandma Only Did That Once.
Black boy: This hobo offered me some weed today on the train.
Mother: Did you take it?
Black boy: Yeah. She kinda looked like grandma.
--Jamaica Center, Parsons Blvd & Archer Ave
Actually, We Prefer 'Retardo-Americans'
Tween boy #1: Where is he? He owes me fucking ten dollars.
Tween boy #2: This is really gay.
Random girl: I'm offended, you retards!
--W 34th St
Even the Fans Inject
Dad: Ok, ok, it's two outs, we'll go after this batter.
Boy: Dad, I want water!
Dad: You know what I see? An impatient little boy who can't wait five minutes.
Boy: You know what I see? Someone who's gonna have their face broken because they didn't have any water!
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Becka Dash
Never Let Your Kids Read Freud
Father: And that's where Mommy is.
Little boy: That's where the penis is!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: E.B. Dresner
Why Johnny Can't Count
Boy: Mommy, I see the eagle.
Mom: Congratulations, what do you want, a fucking medal?
Pause
Mom: And there are two of them!
--Birds of Prey exhibit, Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Cam
Wednesday One-Liners in Altered States
Young boy: Mom, my problem is that I just can't pay attention for long enough to do my homework the right way. I mean, maybe it's's just the weed talking, but I'd like to see someone.
--Washington Square Park
What a Cocky Shit
Teen boy #1: Yo, pussy!
Teen boy #2: You just called me a pussy?
Teen boy #1: You are what you eat!
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Jenya
The Swine Were Even Wearing Pearls
Teen girl #1: Yeah, I ran away once, 'cause like, my parents were making me study for a science test.
Teen girl #2: Oh my god, you so don't have any problems. My parents are making me get a job!
Teen boy: Not having money to buy food is a problem. Not having an apartment is a problem.
--F train
FYI: "Cat's in the Cradle" is on iTunes
Dad: Did you bring your book?
Teen boy: Yeah.
Dad: Oh good; that way we don't have to talk.
--Tekserve, West 23rd Street
Overheard by: Bethany Murphy
We Have Our First Victim
Teen boy: They should have a test for eveyone coming out of high school to weed out the stupid kids from the gene pool. If you don't pass, you die.
Teen girl: Yeah, like how momma hamsters eat their babies when they know they won't make it in the real world.
--6 train
Arbeit Macht Reizend
Mom: What's the name of that group?
Teen boy: Death Cab for Cutie.
Mom: Death Camp for Cutie?
Teen boy: Death Cab.
Mom: What a horrible name...
Teen boy: This is them playing, do you like it?
Mom: Yeah I love it, but what a horrible name! Death Camp...
--60th & Broadway
Overheard by: Avital
Wednesday One-liners by Eve Ensler
Teen boy: You aren't pussy-whipped. She's your mother.
--77th between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Carl G
They Do Have Lots of Wings in Asia
A little Asian boy sneezes without covering his mouth.
Black lady: Excuse you!
Asian mom: He's only 3, he didn't know any better.
Black lady: Haven't you heard of bird flu, motherfucka!
--M96 bus
Overheard by: Chris Roberts
Girl #1: I feel like shit. I think I've got the Asian Bird Flu.
Girl #2: Don't you mean Avian Bird Flu?
Girl #1: Whatever.
--56th & Broadway
Overheard by: K.M
Woman: Isn't it here in America?
Teen boy: Naw...it's in Japan. All these people be dying from it. Thank god Bush won't let it in the country.
--Associated Supermarket, Astoria
Overheard by: Demy
"Am I going to have a little brother now?"
Little boy: Hey mommy, I just farted on your leg.
Mom: I know. I felt it.
Little boy: Was it warm? Did it stink?
Mom: Shh.
--F train
I'll Go Get the Jack Daniels
Little girl: What I don't get is why Majestic stabbed Fifty. He already shot him like 9 times.
Little boy: Majestic didn't stab Fifty! He got his boy to stab Fifty for him, and he did it because Fifty was still alive.
Little girl: I couldn't survive 9 shots. I could barely survive a half.
--1 train
"...They made me unload my pistol, too."
Teen boy: I did the stupidest thing yesterday.
Teen girl: What?
Teen boy: I went up to the cops with my bag open, and I was like,
"Wanna search me? Wanna search me?" and they were like, "Okay."
Teen girl: Ha, ha. You busted.
Teen boy: Yeah. They took half my condoms but they left everything
else.
--40th Street station
This "Winner" Sure Got Some Prize
Little boy: No, I want them both! Mommy, you're a loser!
Mommy: Are you calling Mommy a loser? Well, then you're not getting
anything.
Little boy: No, I'm calling you a winner now! I love you!
--Toys "R" Us, Times Square
Overheard by: lindsey Lanpher
That Was Just the Appetizer
Guy #1: Tell em' what I did.
Guy #2: Pissed on her.
Guy #1: I pissed on her face while she was sleeping!
--Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: Kate C.
Flame Retardant (Happy Halloween!)
A mom points to the window of a sex shop, at a jacked mannequin wearing a mask and feather boa. She says: Hey honey, maybe that's what you could be for Halloween.
Little boy: No, Mommy. I want to be a fireman.
--Christopher Street
Overheard by: Jon
Careful or Trebek Will Grab Your Potpourri
Two teens are watching Jeopardy! through a store glass window.
Teen boy #1: I can read lips; that guy said he liked to suck cock.
Teen boy #2: You mean, "What is, 'I like to suck cock'?"
--14th & B
Overheard by: meghan
The Urban Statler and Waldorf
Black teen boy #1: What the hell is this?
Black teen boy #2: What are you, stupid? This is what they call
misinterpretive dancing.
--Union Square
Katrina and the Government Made Sure of That
Teen boy: Tweety Bird is a boy or girl?
Teen girl: It's a boy. They got a blue Tweety too, I seen it.
Teen boy: Yeah yeah, they got a black Tweety Bird, too. I seen it before.
Teen girl: Where did you see a black Tweety? There ain't no black Tweety, stupid.
--D train
Overheard by: christian koch
This is What Passes for Imagination These Days?
Little Boy: What are these?
Older Boy: Those are peanuts. If you put a glass of water in a box, and put peanuts around it, it won't break when you mail it.
--Staples, 26th & Park
No One Ever Says "He's Hung Like a Pony"
Girl: Oh my God! I meant to tell you!
Guy: What?
Girl: Yesterday I was walking on 5th Avenue and this horde of middle-aged women stopped me to ask where I got my Ralph Lauren shirt.
Guy: No way!
Girl: It was great.
Guy: The one with the big horse on it?
Girl: It's a pony, not a horse!
Guy: What's the difference?
Girl: It's different.
Guy: Can you explain the difference?
Girl: No.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: pixelvisions
I Just Heart the "Dress Up Clothes" Usage
Little boy #1: If they lost my bag, it would be so cool!
Little boy #2: Um...no it wouldn't.
Little boy #1: Yeah, it would! I would sue them. Do you know how many dress up clothes I had in that bag?
--JFK
Overheard by: La Machine
Remember to Not Waste Time Voting Today
Candidate lady: Hi! I'm running for City Council. I like your shirt. What does the C on it stand for?
Preppy girl: It stands for Crunk.
--1st & Houston
Son: What are they handing out?
Mom: They are trying to get people to vote for them.
Son: For Survivor?
--95th & 3rd
"Come back to my unlit basement and I'll show you."
Lifeguard guy: Did you hear about the guy who stepped on the butcher knife?
Boy: Did you save him?
--Coney Island
Overheard by: Lise
It's the South Which Will Rise Again
Boy #1: I have to tell you and you have to believe me. Somebody died for you, do you know who that was?
Boy #2: Abraham Lincoln?
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Mike & Cindy Winslow
Can I Have Your Autograph, Wednesday One-liners?
Old Jewess: That Suzanne Somers has some nerve. She is writing another diet book. I have a friend who has read all her diet books and every year she gets fatter and fatter.
--Music Box theatre, West 45th Street
Fratboy: She was like an ugly Paris Hilton, but not rich.
--C train
Overheard by: nicolette
Guy: I'm gonna beat you like an Olsen twin.
--68th & Columbus
Overheard by: Andrew Zar
Teen boy: Yo, I heard that Tupac was named after a Jewish holiday.
--Red Hook
Guy: Yeah, you know, that's the great thing about the Kennedys: they get $1 off of every bottle of Scotch that they buy. You know, because their dad was a bootlegger and all.
--52 & Lexington
"...He's gonna introduce me to his pals Jack & Coke."
Boy #1: You know, if I were a girl, I'd totally be attracted to Shelly's dad.
Boy #2: What?
Boy #1: No, seriously. Because he knows all those people, and he's, like, an alcoholic.
--Sassy's Sliders, 86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Ken Yapelli
After the Hand Roll, She's Going to Cut Him into 6 Pieces
White woman: Are you available?
Teen Japanese boy: I'm sorry?
White woman: Are you...available?
Teen Japanese boy: Available for what?
White woman: You know...available?
Teen Japanese boy: Sorry, this is my stop.
--F train
Overheard by: Heather Red
Have You Ever Tried Crossing Murdoch?
Boy #1: Yo, I'm telling you son, it was on the news, it was even in the paper!
Boy #2: Pssh, what paper?
Boy #1: The Post.
Boy #2: Yo, The Post is mad gay...Daily News is gangsta.
--Sutter Avenue station
Overheard by: Deshaunicus
Plus, We Consider It a Fucking Mitzvah
A family of Hasidic Jews--mother, father, 4 children--are on the boat. A young boy turns to his father and asks: Why do they have so many kids?
Father: Well, after World War II, they had to get their numbers back up.
--Statue of Liberty Ferry
Overheard by: Lux Garner
He's a Referee, Not an Umpire
Dude: Do you have baseball cleats?
Store guy: What?
Dude: Baseball cleats.
Store guy: What are those?
Dude: Shoes that you play baseball in, they have spikes on the bottom...do you carry any?
Store guy: No, I don't think so.
--Foot Locker, 34th & 6th
Overheard by: Adam Hill
Why Children Should Be Neither Seen nor Overheard
Boy #1: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What did the shoe say to the foot? How's it footin'?
Boy #2: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What did the bus say to the street? How's it streetin'?
Boy #1: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What did the airplane say to the building?
Boy #2: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Boy #1: Hello, I'm gonna crash into you now.
--M60 bus
Overheard by: marisa
A Grotesquely Overcircumcised One
Mother: So Krusty couldn't find his star in the Jewish Hall of Fame.
Boy: There was a Jewish Hall of Fame?
Mother: Yeah, and Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop were there.
Father: Lamb Chop was a Jewish lamb?
--Windsor Terrace
"Oh man! I already got the genie pants!"
Teen boy #1: Yo man, I'm gonna join a gang!
Teen boy #2: Ah, ya? What gang?
Teen boy #1: Aladdin Kings.
Teen boy #3: What the fuck kinda Disney gang is that? Latin Kings, man! Latin Kings!
--A train
Crop Dusting: Walking Down the Aisles and Passing Gas
Boy: Does crop dusting exist?
Stewardess: Sure does.
Boy: If it happened to me, I'd have to stop them and say, "Stop crop dusting, farty."
--Chango, Park Avenue South
Good Thing He's Not Going for the Prince Albert
HS boy #1: So anyway, I told my mom that I'm going to get my eyebrow pierced when I graduate.
HS boy #2: Oh yeah? And what did she say?
HS boy #1: She told me that if I got it pierced, she'd grab me by the eyebrow ring and swing me around the room until my face ripped off.
--5 train
Overheard by: christina
Obviously Has Never Seen a CBS "Comedy"
Third baseman: What's so funny?
Benched teammate: I'm high, retard. Everything's fuckin' funny.
--145th & Lenox Avenue softball field
Relax, It Was Yo-Yo Instructions
Dad: ...you've got to use your middle finger.
Son: Which one's the middle finger?
Dad: This one.
Son: Why's it called the middle finger?
Dad: Because it's in the middle of your hand, I guess. There's two fingers on either side.
Son: That's retarded.
Dad: It may sound retarded, but that's the way it is.
--Astoria corner store
cf. "Husband"
Boy: We're watching Pimp My Ride.
Man: What does "pimp" mean?
Boy: It's someone who owns women.
--Washington Square Village
You Know You're a Man When You Follow a Woman's Orders
Teen boy #1: Yo, your mustache is done, dude! Look, it's filled all the way in!
Teen boy #2: Yeah, I know! But my mom's making me shave it.
--1/9 train
Overheard by: Alex
That Line Would Go Over Better in Chelsea
Puerto Rican kid #1: You shut the fuck up, motherfucker!
Puerto Rican kid #2: Come say that to my face! I'll brush yo' teeth with my pee pee!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Yamin Reshamwala
Anything Gets You Hard at That Age
JHS girl #1: Bitch, I will beat your ass!
JHS girl #2: I'll beat your mother's ass!
JHS boy: Y'all two are making my dick hurt.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Gus Colletti
But Then the Uncles Start Pinching Your Cheeks
Boy #1: It's so gross! My aunts pinch my cheeks and call me cute and make, like, cow noises!
Boy #2: Take it from me: wait 'til you get older. I promise, no one will ever call you cute again.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Andrea
I Am So Losing My Cable Modem
Girl: ...and he says to me, "DSL".
Boy: DSL?
Girl: I was like, "DSL, what the fuck does that mean?".
Boy: What did he say?
Girl: "Dick Suckin' Lips." And I said, now hold on--
Boy: Damn...
--58th & 8th
Overheard by: Ed C
Fucking a Hamburger is Kind of a Gray Area
Boy #1: Do you want to split a bun?
Boy #2: No! I'm not gay!
Boy #1: "Split a bun" means a fucking hamburger, you asshole!
--Greenpoint
Overheard by: CAP
You Can't Do Something Bad at Times Square Anymore
Teen boy #1: We're getting back pretty late. What are you going to tell your mom?
Teen boy #2: I'll say we were at dinner until 10:00, and--
Teen boy #1: No way! We went to dinner at 6:15! There's no such thing as a four hour dinner!
Teen boy #2: Okay, I'll say that we went to dinner at 7:15, and that we stayed until 8:45 because it was a buffet...then we went and hung out at Times Square--
Teen boy #1: You should tell her that I did something bad, otherwise she'll be suspicious.
--N train
Girl #1: I heard on a show that Times Square was getting seedy again.
Girl #2: Times Square should be seedy. Tourists come here and they want to see hookers and pimps and drug dealers hanging around. Not the Prudential Financial display.
--Times Square
(Funny Because the Skinhead Beat the Mom Afterwards)
A blonde bumpkin boy stared silently at the heavily tatooed skinhead for 10 minutes before he made his observation: You know what you are? You're a human doodle pad!
--PATH train to Hoboken
Overheard by: Margo Channing
Why The Fuck Are You Surprised?
Girl: Why the fuck is that other train moving?
Boy: Because that train isn't fucking defective.
Girl: Whatever.
--1 train
Wednesday One-liners, Theory & Evidence
Black woman: White men are fucking idiots! They're morons.
--M7 bus
Overheard by: Jason Steinhauer
Teenage boy: Man, I seen that guy Q...he's all the time going to Coney Island.
--57th St. station (Q train terminal stop)
Italian guy: ...so my nephew, right? He's so stupid I gotta make him the lifeguard at my car wash!
--Taormina, Mulberry St.
Overheard by: Eric Rexilius
When I Grow Up, I Want to Be an Assassin
HS kid #1: You know what teflon is?
HS kid #2: No.
HS kid #1: It's the stuff you coat bullets with so that they'll pierce a bulletproof vest.
--23rd St. & Broadway
Overheard by: M Cohn
The Zen of Playground Talk
Big Kid: If that bitch ass didn't tell on me I wouldn't have gotten in trouble.
Little Kid: If you would have stayed out of trouble in the first place you wouldn't have gotten in trouble.
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: richard blakeley
"Hey, I never been convicted!"
Teenager #1: So she 14, and you 17?
Teenager #2: Yeah, man.
Teenager #1: That's nasty! You a rapist!
--R train
Innuendoes Missed by the Recipients and Caught by Overheard
Girl #1: He was a little too Spock and not enough Kirk.
Girl #2: What?
--F train
A son is moving a table into the back of the truck.
Mom: Be careful not to bend the legs when you push it in.
Son: That's what she said.
Mom: What?
--30th and Lex
Overheard by: Tom
The Husband is Always the Last to Know
Boy: Where did Mama go?
Dad: To the ladies' bathroom. She's a lady.
Boy: She's not a lady!
Dad: She's not?
Boy: No way!
--Waldorf-Astoria men's room
"Only if you go to the right sites."
Little boy: Mom, can I download you?
--Barnes & Noble, Astor Place
Ask a New Yorker to Explain This One
Boy, 7: Daddy, I wanna see the Empire State Building.
Father: Sorry, son. That's way uptown and we're headed downtown.
--48th & Broadway
Overheard by: Christopher Mignemi
Satanic Fashion is Always Hot
Boy#1: So what are you going to do? Go to gospel choir practice or go shopping?
Boy#2: The sales are this week. God...is...forever.
Boy#1: ...you may be going to Hell, but at least you'll look good going.
--East Village
Overheard by: michi-L
He Meant Auto-fellated
Girl: "Teleported." That's what he said.
Boy: What?
Girl: You know, teleporting.
Boy: Oh, okay, yeah.
Girl: He said he teleported himself, but it turned out he was lying!
Boy: Really?
--6 Train
Overheard by: Mary Phillips-Sandy
Like Sucking on a Gumdrop
10-year-old boy #1: Hey sexy stars! Sexy ladies!
10-year-old boy #2: Hey, come give us blowjobs!
--Bensonhurst
Poo Poo Platter
Little Chinese Boy #1: You want to look at your dick.
Little Chinese Boy #2: You want to look at ass.
Little Chinese Boy #1: You want to look at pussy.
Little Chinese Boy #2: You want to look at your balls.
Little Chinese Boy #1: You're gay.
Little Chinese Boy #2: Faggot.
--W Train
