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In Where, Exactly?
Six-year-old son, indicating sex shop: Can I?! I want to go in there!
Frazzled mother: No. Just... no.
--Christopher, between Bleecker & Hudson
Overheard by: Colleen
But in the Breasticles and the Buttzoid
Skater boy #1: Julie's not pretty.
Skater boy #2: No?
Skater boy #1, pointing to his face: No, not... Not... Not... In the faciness.
--McDonald's, 71st & Amsterdam
I'll Never Sit Again after All This Anal
Boy #1: When I'm in high school, I'll only be able to get blowjobs standing up!
Boy #2: Rad.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Joe Coleman
This from the Kid Who Wants a Dora the Explorer Backpack?
Eight-year-old: But Dad, why are we in the bookstore if we're not buying books?
Dad: Because Daddy likes quiet places.
Eight-year-old: That sounds gay.
Dad, looking nervous: Shut up!
--Borders
Overheard by: Eyeoftherabbit
For the Next Three Seconds, Anyway.
Mother to noisy, restless son: You know what? As soon as we get home I'm calling your doctor. You're going back on medication.
Kid, screaming: Nooo! [Spotting boarding passenger] Oh, he has a wrestling shirt! I want a wresting shirt!
--M101 bus
Overheard by: Glad it's not my kid
The Cooties Appear to Have Gone to His Brain
Four-year-old #1: Ice cream makes your head fall off.
Four-year-old #2: No, it doesn't.
Four-year-old #1: It was just an expression, asshole.
Four-year-old #2, to his dog: Don't let him pet you.
--Central Park
Overheard by: amused tourist
Have You Been Reading Mommy's Diary Again?
Four-year-old boy: There are too many people on the train. Someone needs to get off.
Mom: Who needs to get off?
Four-year-old boy: Us!
--A train
Overheard by: otilio
So You Want to Make the Little Nuggets?
Mom: You poor hungry boy... I'll make dinner for you as soon as we get home.
Six-year-old son, sullenly: Okay.
Mom: Do you want macaroni and cheese? How about pasta? I can make you those little nuggets. [Son shakes his head.] Oh, is it the other kind of hunger? Do you have to poop? [Son nods.]
--Elevator, Washington Heights
Overheard by: Morgan
Do You Want to Start Learning Things? Do You?!
Little boy, passing gym: Oooh, they're doing exercises in an exercises store!
Little girl: Is that their job?
Mother: I told you to stop asking so many damn questions!
--B51 bus, Brooklyn
Or, You Know, Whatever
Dude #1: You got laid last night, so shut up. Although I never saw her, so I don't know what she looked like.
Dude #2: Neither do I...
Dude #1: Yeah, I thought about staying up and waiting just to get a look at her.
--17th & Irving
Overheard by: B-Round
That's a Bunch of Jobs, Really
Girl: I want that job! Is there really a job like that?
Boy: Yeah, it's called a whore.
--NYU dining hall
Overheard by: sjhaughty
... Whom I've Only Seen on Sonograms So Far
10-year-old gangsta #1: Yo, I got all kinds of bitches. Right now I gotta choose...
10-year old gangsta #2: Yo, what you talkin' 'bout?
10-year-old gangsta #1: I got this young bitch... I gotta choose between a girl that's my age or a younger woman.
--1 train
Overheard by: D. J.
No, Psychokinetically. And Don't Go All "Carrie" on Me
Mom: Daniel, it's time you started opening doors for me.
Son: Um... okay.
Mom: Well? [Gestures at doors.]
Son: Oh! I thought you meant metaphorically...
--W 111th St
Overheard by: Talker's Remorse
Headline by: Arliss Travers
Runners-Up:
· "...like When We Played Doctor." - mike chmiel
· "Just Like Your Allowance" - nobody
· "No, I Meant Vaginally" - DanaLishs
· "Sorry, My Oedipus Complex Doesn't Kick in for Another Year or Two." - Andrew G
· "Thalidomide or No, You Work That Flipper Young Man" - bobofthejungle
· "The Birds and the Bees Talk Really Confused Me...." - Breanne S.
· "You Know, Like When You Tell Dad the Garden Needs Watering" - Jonty
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
What? I Got the "Special" Expansion Pack
White boy #1: Am I the big, hairy guy?
White boy #2: No, you're the guy with the assless chaps.
--During game of XBox 360 Guitar Hero, Apartment, Ave D
Winning the War Against Space Chickens, One Bird at a Time
Little boy: Is this a fighter plane?
Grandma: No. A fighter plane is quicker and can only fit two people.
Little boy: ... Then why are there lasers?
--JFK
Overheard by: Adam Vine Whip
Headline by: Miss Edith
Runners-Up:
· "Dont EVER question lasers" - melissa
· "For the sharks, of course" - Britta
· "In case you start kicking the seat in front of you" - bobofthejungle
· "To Protect Us From Gay Marriage" - ImmaculatePizza
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
...My Parents, Teachers, Mailmen, That Guy at the Bodega...
Middle-school boy: Yeah, you're a pathological liar.
Middle-school girl: What do you mean? When have I lied to you? I never lie. I only lie to my therapist.
--1 train
Overheard by: cate
I'm Supposed to Put This in My College Fund
Young boy #1: Today is the day your mother birthed you and you only got five dollars?
Young boy #2: We got troubles.
--Prospect Heights
We'd All Go Back, but Who Wants Us?
Nanny: You don't want to watch the parade?
Little boy: They think... They think... They think the government should give them jobs even though they are from other countries, but they should just go back.
--Immigration march, 14th & Broadway
Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson
And Be Ignored
Teen boy in suit: Wow, look at that cute girl!
Teen boy with rolling book bag: Oh, yeah... I'd like to walk next to that.
--Citibank, Forest Hills
Headline by: Trey
Runners-Up:
· "And then I'd hold the fuck out of her hand" - NJgal
· "Chicks dig my sweet wheels" - Marissa
· "I Would Awkwardly Avoid Eye Contact with That Like A Motherfucker" - Leland
· "I'd Carry Her Books So Hard" - Barry P.
· "I'd stick my pen in that pocket protector!" - wannabenyc
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Teacher Will Now Call on the Sleeping Kid in the Back
Boy trying to get teacher to call on him: Oh my god, I have a really good point to make!
Girl, just as eager: Shut up! Mine is better!
--Hunter College High
Like Trying to Stop the Tide, Mom
Eight-year-old black boy: Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall. Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall.
Mom: I told you to stop that!
Eight-year-old black boy, three minutes later: Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall. Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall.
--Restroom, Penn Station
Overheard by: Amanda
Do You Know the Rules? 'Cause I Sure Don't
Five-year-old boy: Let's play Spin the Bottle!
Friend with water bottle: Yeah!
--228 E 23rd St
Below the Waterline an Iceberg Is Mostly Bear
Boy #1: Polar bears don't melt in water!
Boy #2: Yeah, they do. They swim in it and they disappear.
Boy #1: Wow, really?
--LIRR
Reader Poll: Will That Quote Ever Fucking Die?!
Boy at screen door: Mom, can I come in?
Mom: Show me.
Boy: What?
Mother: Show me the money.
--Meserole Ave, Greenpoint
I'm a Silent, Consensual Killer
Boy: I'm a ninja... but not a tree ninja.
Friend: That's good.
Boy: And I don't rape people.
Friend: That's also good.
Boy: Or trees...
--Bus
Ah, the University of Life
Little boy: I know three things about aliens. One, they don't have hair. Two, they don't have mouths. Three, they don't have privates.
20-something: Then how do you know if it's a boy or a girl alien?
Little boy: Um, they're not boys or girls. They're its... Or she-males.
20-something: Where did you learn 'she-males' from?!
Little boy: Third Avenue.
--N train
Unless You Count Splash Mount Sinai
Little boy pointing at St. Patrick's Cathedral: Daddy, what is that?
Father: That's a church. Maybe when you're older we can go inside and look around.
Little boy: Daddy, are there rides in there?
Father: No, no rides.
--51st & 5th
If It Involves Killing with Steel, Japan Has It
Mother: Do they still have ninjas?
Six-year-old boy: Duh, Mom -- in Japan.
Mother: Oh, I only knew about the Ninja Turtles.
--Escalator, Grand Central
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Consider Yourself Warned
Middle school boy: Yo, you ever seen that show Sex and the City on HBO?
Three friends: No.
Middle school boy: I thought there'd be mad sex on it. There wasn't any! They should call that show 'White Bitches Talking.'
--Brooklyn Middle School
Least Cool Was When You Scared Me Last Halloween
Boy #1: Seriously, that was, like, the coolest place I ever took a shit.
Boy #2: Wait, where were you?
Boy #1: I was on top of the mountain!
Boy #2: Oh.
--3rd St & 7th Ave
The Kind Who Has All of the Other Colors Already
Man: You know that Santa Claus doesn't exist, right?
Six-year-old boy: No, he does exist. When I wrote him a letter and asked him for pink Plush Puppies, I got them on Christmas.
Man: Dude, then you are a serious homosexual. What kind of boy asks for pink Plush Puppies?
--Rockaway
Overheard by: Bully
What War Movies Have These Kids Been Watching?
11-year-old boy #1 playing with toy gun: You fucked my mom in the ass! [Makes shooting noises, then ducks.]
11-year-old boy #2, nervous, to perplexed passerby: Uhhh, he wasn't talking to you...
--10th & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: ian
That's for Emergencies, Not for Pique
Wailing six-year-old boy: But whyyy?!
Mom: Well, I know, honey, but kick him in the shins, don't kick him in the balls!
--Prince & Broadway
I Said Later... Wait, What?
Teen boy: Mom, is it true that some people are both a man and a woman?
Mom: Yes. Well, sort of. Can we talk about this when we get home?
Teen boy: So does that mean they have, like, both--
Mom: --Yes, honey, now be quiet for a little while, okay?
Teen boy: Does that mean they can, like, do the slinky?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Mike N
They Accomplished So Much Less Than That
Little boy #1: I wish dinosaurs lived in Central Park.
Little boy #2: Dinosaurs aren't real -- they're from the TV.
Little boy #3: Dinosaurs are real, they just live on other planets.
Little boy #2: Like Pluto!
Little boy #1: Pluto isn't a planet anymore. The scientists blowed it up.
--M86 bus
Overheard by: pluto is still a planet to me
Why Are We Here, Then?
Little boy: What is that?
Mom: That's a brain.
Little boy: Evil brain?
Mom: No, it's not evil.
--Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Frat Boys Are Born, Not Made
Four-year-old boy to random woman: Why did the skeleton go out to dinner?
Woman: Why?
Four-year-old boy: Because he wanted to get some ribs! [Boy and brother laugh hysterically.]
Boys' mom: Oh, Benjamin, you're so shy.
Four-year-old boy: I'm not shy! I talk a lot because I'm drunk! [Ladies nearby laugh, mother blushes.] ... I farted.
--LIRR
Once the Boys Were Brought to the Yard, It Was All Downhill from There
Father: So, what did you guys do at Timmy's* sleepover?
Boy: I don't really remember... We had one too many milkshakes.
--1 train
Creepy, Creepy Friends
Hipster guy: Yeah, my dad's a bird-petter.
Hipster girl: How much does he make for that?
Hipster guy: About three friends a year.
--R/W platform, 8th St
Overheard by: the imbiber
Needles Just Aren't Cool Anymore
Teen boy #1: Would you do Jane?
Teen boy #2: Well, she's pretty hot... Got nice tits and all, but don't you consider diabetes a turn-off?
Teen boy #1: Yeah, dude, totally.
--Metro-North, 125th St stop
Overheard by: Ek CrIsp
When You Realize Your Pain Is Self-Inflicted
Teen girl: Something must have gone wrong during her wax.
Teen boy: What was it?
Teen girl: I don't know. She was, like, crying. And she hasn't gotten another wax. I just don't get it.
Teen boy: Sucks for her.
Teen girl: Seriously.
--Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: still speechless
Usually Found in a Bush
Boy: Mommy, what's a vah-jay-jay?
Mom: A bird, sweetie! A wonderful bird.
--Wall St
Wait, Can We Start Over?
Teen boy #1: You hit like a girl.
Teen boy #2: Yeah, well, you taste like a girl.
--110th St & Cathedral Pkwy
Kiss My Axe, Mom
Mother: The other day I walked past a bunch of Hispanic teenagers. They smelled really good.
Teen boy: It's Axe.
Mother: What?
Teen boy: Axe.
Mother: Wait, what?
Teen boy: Axe!
Mother: Ass? That's not nice to say about Hispanic people.
--SoHo
Overheard by: Kevo C.
Hey, Whatever It Takes to Get Them Out of Diapers
Boy: Mom, why is there a line here and not on the boys' side?
Mom: Girls go to the bathroom differently. You guys can just stand around and pee and make crosses. You know -- how you and Daddy make crosses with your pee-pees?
--Line for women's room, Radio City Music Hall
Just Get Her a Copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves
Girl: Does titty-fucking actually feel good? Or does it just look hot?
Boy: Actually, it makes me physically ill. It gives me vertigo.
Girl: Should I eat my earwax?
--91st & 6th
They Told Me That
Son: Today someone in class called me a 'Jew.'
Drunk dad: Did you tell them your dad's Presbyterian and your mom's a bitch?
--42nd & 8th
Tourists on Trains and Snakes on Planes
Teen boy tourist #1: Okay, finally we're on the damn train.
Teen boy tourist #2: Yeah, for real. Take forever, god!
Teen boy tourist #1: Hey, you know, those people lied to us! They said we can take the N, but this one is going to 14th Street, too. I read the map.
Teen boy tourist #2: Why did they lie to us?
Teen boy tourist #1: Probably because we were acting like such tourists. That's probably what they do, just stand in the subway waiting to prey on confused tourist kids.
Teen boy tourist #2: We should get some iPods. That would fix it.
Teen boy tourist #1: Why would that fix it?
Teen boy tourist #2: Look around. I count five people on this train with iPods. They make you look 'New York.'
--Downtown W train
Overheard by: The N would have gotten you there faster...
Headline by: Sean Boudreau
Runners-Up:
· "But the fold up maps make us look like we're from Jersey." - Jeff
· "For every ipod in the subway, apple kills a tourist" - monkey
· "Know What Else Is Authentic? Gunshot Wounds" - J.M. Berger
· "Losing The "God Hates Fags" Shirts Would Also Help" - miss c
· "New York: Uhh, Lose Ten Pounds, Convert to Judaism, and Maybe We'll Talk" - salute deez nuts
· "Nobody tell them about the secret handshake" - Destroyer
· "Sure, you can buy the ipod, but the disaffected stare can only be acquired from years of indifference" - morgz
· "That look isn't new york, it's contempt" - squirrel
· "You can keep them in your fanny packs" - jh
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Romeo and Juliet: Shakespeare's First Draft
Teen boy: I couldn't put it all the way in, though.
Teen girl: Ew, ew, ew.
Teen boy: I don't know how they do that in pornos.
Teen girl: One second -- are you gay?
Teen boy: Not really. Like, I'd totally do you.
Teen girl: You wish! Got Jake's shit all over your dick. Ain't no way.
--Smiling Pizza, 7th Ave, Park Slope
Headline by: Malingerer
Runners-Up:
· "Bi-curiousity killed the pussy" - Mojosaves
· "Have your jake and eat it too" - teensaredisgusting
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