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The Subway Is Something Else Entirely
Bus driver, swinging door open: If you ain't good-lookin', y'all ain't gettin' on my bus! [Girls outside stare.] I said, if you ain't good-lookin', you ain't gettin' on board!
Girl, slowly taking step: Well... I'm getting on this bus...
Bus driver: That's right! That's right! 'Cause you good-lookin'! Get your ass in here!
--Fort Tryon Park
Overheard by: specialK
Wednesday One-Liners Give Those Quirky Conductors a Run for Their Money
Bus driver: Next stop, McDonald's! You know the song! Old MacDonald had a farm, and on the farm he had a metro card...
--B61 bus, Manhattan Ave, Greenpoint
Overheard by: miss mess
Bus driver: This bus will be making stops in Carlstadt, Moonachie, Little Ferry, Teterboro, Lodi, Garfield, Elmwood Park, and finally, thank God, in Paterson. Take all your belongings with you when you get off the bus, and remember, it is only a bus ride. You can do it.
--42nd & 8th
Bus driver: Okay, people, there are a few foreign words to make people move. They are 'Excuse me, please' -- let's all try saying that. Then, when they do move, say, 'Thank you.' Give it a try today... Welcome aboard the Q88 bus on this lovely Wednesday morning. I hope all the kids on this bus did their homework, or made up homework this weekend. Remember, get good grades -- A's on your report cards -- and pass the Regents and you will have a very good life. If you don't want to hear this conversation again tomorrow, catch a different bus on your way to school or work.
--Q88 bus
Overheard by: Jenn
Bus driver: Tired of the same old bus stop? Try Madison Avenue -- it's up next!
--M79 bus
Overheard by: Yorkie
And That's How They Came Up with the Idea for Speed
Bus rider, after bus detours: Hey, I wanted to get off at 106th! [Driver is silent. Passenger approaches him angrily.] Did you hear me? I want to get off this bus. Now! [Driver still silent.] Let me off this bus!
Bus driver: I'm gonna stop this bus when I feel like stoppin' this bus, and then you are going to walk back to wherever you need to walk back to! I'm late and I ain't stoppin'!
Tamer rider minutes later, 12 blocks since last stop: Can you please tell us when you might be stopping this bus again?
Bus driver: [Silence.]
--Bus #104, 108th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Humored Midwest tourist
The Wheels on the Wednesday One-Liners Go Round and Round
Bus driver: The next stop on this bus is Fifth Avenue. Please have your passports ready!
--M79 bus
Bus driver: This is the Manhattan number one bus. Destination: San Juan, Puerto Rico.
--M1 bus
Bus driver: East Tremont Avenue, transfer to the 40 and 42... Put on those running shoes, there's the 40 now!
--Fordham-bound Bx22 bus
Overheard by: Black Knight
Bus driver: Okay, now everyone move to the right side of the bus. We're running on three wheels today, and we have to stay balanced.
--M14 bus
Overheard by: Almost moved to the other side of the bus
Bus driver: To your right you'll see a bronze statue of Adam Clayton Powell, first black member of Congress... Looks like he's runnin' from the cops.
--125th & Adam Clayton Powell Blvd
Overheard by: sueinthecity
Bus driver, about jackhammers outside: Do you hear that, people? That's the sound of real labor! [Plays the sound of the jackhammers on the intercom] Embrace it!
--Q88 bus
What "The Full Route" Really Means
Bus driver: Due to circumstances beyond our control, Vanderbilt will be the last stop on the bus.
Passengers: [Gasp] Oh, no!
Bus driver: And now that I know the PA system works, I was just joking. This bus will be going the full route. [A few minutes later] If you are with somebody, please have them sit on your lap. If not, introduce yourself.
--Crowded B38 bus
Overheard by: kitty
Important Safety Tip -- Thanks, Crackarella
Bus driver: I have a headache.
Female passenger: It's the color television. It messes with your brain and gives you headaches. I watch it wearing sunglasses so it doesn't affect me.
--BX 12 bus
I Need to Go Bathe in Urine Now
Bus driver on intercom as it starts to rain: You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey... C'mon, everybody!
Entire bus, singing: You'll never know, dear, how much I love you -- please don't take my sunshine away.
Chick: I think that was the least-New York moment of my entire life.
--M79 bus
Wednesday One-Liners for Ralph Kramden
Bus driver: This bus is making all the same stops as the subway. This bus is the train! This bus is the train! Choo-choo!
--Bus running as the 7 train
Bus driver: Step on in. Step on in. Tropical palm trees in the back.
--Q101 bus, 59th & 2nd
Overheard by: marerod
Bus driver, about blonde cop crossing street: Christie Brinkley there is looking to lock someone up so she can make detective next week.
--B75 bus, Brooklyn
Bus driver: Everybody sliiide to the left... Sliiide to the right... One hop this time!
--B44 bus
Overheard by: steph
Ballin' driver: Dem tips are not just for the ride, they fo' the looks. Much love!
--LaGuardia shuttle bus
Overheard by: Alex
Bus driver: Utopia!
--Q46 bus
Bus driver: Attention ladies and gentlemen, the next stop is Fifth Avenue. Please have your passports ready for inspection.
--79th St Crosstown Bus
This Guy Is the First Stop on the Tour
Tour bus driver to pedestrian: Take the great New York tour!
Man: Why the fuck would I pay to see the rats and piss I can see for free? Fuck you!
--Outside Plaza Hotel, Central Park South
Thank You Very Much, I'll Be Here until Thursday
Angry rider after missing a stop: Why can't you just pull over? You was only like this far away?
Bus driver: I can only stop at designated stops, I'm sorry.
Angry rider: You could have stopped, you just wanted to be a dick.
Bus driver: Yeah, you would know -- you suck enough of it.
--BX9 bus
Overheard by: Don't know much about it
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Make Change
Greyhound driver, on rest stop time limits: I'm not supposed to lose people along the way... but I do.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Lost
Bus driver: I'm movin', I'm movin'! Jesus, all these people are in a hurry to go nowhere. They're just going to go home and watch TV! That's all New Yorkers do, is go home and watch TV!
--Gray Line downtown loop bus
Overheard by: keri
Bus driver: If your child is over 36 inches tall, you must pay full fare for him. If you are more than 30 years old, live with your parents, and don't pay rent, you must pay for everyone else on the bus. Next stop: Brooklyn Hospital.
--B38 bus
Overheard by: Nathan
Bus driver: If it weren't for bad luck, I wouldn't have no luck at all.
--M31 bus
Overheard by: Suze V.
Commuter bus driver: Attention riders: we are now arriving at Port Authority. To the students who ride this bus, you must show your ID. If you do not want to, that is no problem -- find another way into New York City. Everyone, please gather your belongings, and have a nice day.
--Port Authority
Bus driver: This is the bus to Long Island Jewish Hospital. That will be the last stop. We aren't there yet. For those of you who are going there, sit back and relax and I'll alert you when we've reached the pearly gates of Long Island Jewish.
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: SuziQ
Bus driver: Good morning, everyone. Today's my first day... my first day, y'all! And guess what happens in eleven years? I will retire. That's right: retire. There's all the big guys meeting at the UN this morning, so traffic's crazy. Please, folks, be nice to me. I'm just drivin' my bus. Is anyone late for work? Well, I sure am twenty minutes late with my bus. Ah, one person late. Come on up here and I'll get you a cab... I said get you a cab, not pay for one!
--M4 bus
She's on Coke, Duuuh!
Bus driver: That's what crack will do to you.
Crazy lady: What? Crack? Did you say I'm on crack? Hell no. I have too much ass to be on crack. I have too much jewelry to be on crack. You see these? They're real diamonds. You hear these? They're keys jingling - keys to my house. Next time you see someone having a bad day, just say 'I guess they're having a bad day' not 'they're on crack. Pray for me and I'll pray for you!
--125th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: ColumbiaCat
He's a Method Bus Driver
Bus driver #1: Hey, Frank!
Bus driver #2: WHAT?
Bus driver #1: Dude, stop yelling at me. I'm right next to you.
Bus driver #2: It's my bus driver voice.
Bus driver #1: You need to learn when the right time is to use the bus driver voice.
Bus driver #2: Jeez, sorry.
--Kew Garden Rd, Queens
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
The Wheels on the Wednesday-One Liners Go Round and Round
Bus driver: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, I have an idea: the next stop is going to be Las Vegas! Vegas, y'all! Get out those cell phones and start calling your husbands and wives. Tell 'em you won't be home tonight. Vegas!
--M103 bus
Overheard by: Tina
Bus driver: Everyone, please move to the back of the bus...Come on, people. I'm speaking English here. Move to the back of the bus so these people can get on. There's nothing wrong with the back of the bus. It's not scary. There are no monsters back there. You won't get hurt. So please move back.
--Q12 bus, Main Street, Flushing
Overheard by: Jo
Bus driver: This is Westchester Ave. Here you can transfer to the 9 and the...uh...I don't even remember. Hey, you back there! You look like Charles Bronson! You ever heard that?...Whateva. You know you look like Charles Bronson. And the world needs another Charles Bronson.
--Bx40 bus, E Tremont Ave
Overheard by: vegannramember
So He's Tied For First
School bus driver: He think he the best driver around. Then I reminded him, he the one that hit that little girl.
--B77 bus, Red Hook
Her Teeth Were All Fucked
Bus driver: Take it to the end of the bus.
Dude: What?
Bus driver: Take it to the end of the bus. I don't want to listen to you cursing.
Dude: What the fuck? I am not talking to you.
Bus driver: I don't talk like that.
Dude: You look like you talk like that!
--Q23 bus
"Haven't you heard of reverse?"
Crazy guy: Slow down!
Bus driver: I'm stopped at a light; I can't get much slower.
--Q60 bus
Overheard by: Ben
Wednesday One-liners Aren't Thugs
Bus driver: This bus service sucks! I can vouch for that.
--Q39 bus
Remember That Whole Strike Thing?
Guy: God damn it! Where were you? I waited an hour for you to show up! Were you on a coffee break or what?
Bus driver: Sir, that's not possible, the lead bus was only ten minutes ahead of me. I watched him pull out of the depot.
Guy: Screw you! You guys are the real terrorists! You're what Homeland Security is trying to protect us against!
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Staten Island
Overheard in the Headlines: The Strike
Old lady: They are going to strike? They should put up signs fuckers! I see you looking at me you skinny bitch, fuck you.
Conductor: The doors are closing.
Old lady: Can't put up signs but the fucker is telling me the doors are closing.
--F train
Hobo: Don't worry about the strike, we'll all fly to work! Flap our wings and fly!
--14th & 7th
Guy: I was there at the strike in 1980; I remember it well. It went on for two weeks. Of course, they could never have it that long now. The population of the city has doubled since 1980.
--Bowling Green station
Overheard by: greek goddess
Conductor: Shit, I'll get nasty right now. I'll pull the brakes, see how they like that.
--1 train
Overheard by: Priscilla Castillo
Tween boy: So how's the strike going?
Bus driver: If there was a strike I wouldn't be here, you moron.
--M15 bus
Overheard by: Sara's Hot
The Bus Bears a Resemblence
Old lady: Oh the sun is out! Do you think it's gonna rain again today?
Bus driver: Do I look like Al Roker to you? I drive a freakin' bus!
--Bx9 bus
Overheard by: Lauren
You Overheard It Here First?
Woman: I assure you, every subway I ride does not have a camera.
Bus driver: The conductor has a screen in front of him; every car.
--B63 bus
Most People Take a Limo There
Woman: Does this bus go to the Garden?
Bus driver: No, the M10 or 20 goes to Madison Square Garden.
Woman: Not that Garden; Olive Garden!
--M104 bus
Overheard by: Suzanne Cerquone
Girl #1: I heard there's this restaurant that charges $500 for a plate.
Girl #2: Damn what they serving, human?
--Olive Garden, Times Square
Overheard by: Kyle
She Just Wants to Show Off Gerard Depardieu
Bus Tour ticket lady: Where are you from?
Woman: Italy.
Bus Tour ticket lady: OK, let me go get the guy that speaks French
then.
--46th & Broadway
Overheard by: KJ
Wednesday One-liners Stand Behind the White Line
Black man: What is that, a raincoat? You should hang onto that. You never know when it might come back into style.
--M15 bus
Overheard by: Palaverist
Driver: Step allll the way in the back please! All the way in the back! There's some cheese and crackers there.
--M42 bus
Overheard by: Vas Sloutchevsky
Puerto Rican chick: That mothafucka's crazy. I ain't puttin' that in my butt.
--B46 bus
Overheard by: Jennifer Hess
You know you're Not in New York when... (Part Eight)
Bus-driver in Vancouver: "The BC government recently did a study about fraud on the bus system, and the company they hired concluded that 3% of the riders take advantage of the system. But driving this bus every day, I see that it is really 30-40%. The newspapers say that Canadians are so good but it's not true!"
