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Like Chaka Khan
Cashier woman: Put that down! Will you put that down?!
Cafeteria aid, holding an issue of The Source: Why should I? This ain't yours! You're, like, fifty!
Cashier woman: Shit, you don't know me. I might be a hip-hop granny.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: steve d.
She's Been Known to Eat Deodorant Cakes Out of Urinals
Cashier #1: ... And then she told me she got high on ecstasy by accident last night.
Cashier #2: By accident?
Cashier #1: Yeah. She was at his house and saw a little white thing on the coffee table, and that bitch thought it was a mint.
--Todaro Bros. Grocery, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: A
Of Course I Do -- I'm a Stockholder
Frustrated customer: You know, I don't even know why I come here. Every time I have to wait on line forever -- something's always broken, something's always wrong... I should just go somewhere else!
Cashier: ... Do you have a Club Card?
--Duane Reade, 8th & Broadway
Justifiably Indignant?
White male customer: I want a small black coffee.
East Indian female cashier: Do you want cream and sugar in that?
White male customer: No, I want it black.
East Indian female cashier: Black?
White male customer, pointing at picture of black man in ad on the wall: Yes, black! I want it to look like that guy!
--Dunkin' Donuts, 53rd & Lex
Overheard by: next in line
French Vanilla Means a Regular and a Handjob
LI girl: Wait, where's the milk for the coffee?
Cashier: The sugar's right here.
LI girl: No, I want milk. Don't you have any milk in this whole place? For coffee?
Cashier: No, because you said you want regular.
LI girl: Yeah, regular -- like 'not decaf.'
Cashier: No. Regular is 'no milk.'
LI girl: No. Black is like this -- 'no milk.'
Cashier: No. Black is 'not hazelnut.'
Onlooker: Learn how to order or get out of the way.
--Ess-a Bagel, 21st & 1st
Overheard by: Jackie G
Our Editorial Staff Begs to Differ
Cashier: Oh, is corduroy coming back into fashion?
Girl buying a pair of cord pants: Um, I don't know.
Cashier: I don't think it's ever going to come back.
--TJMaxx, 6th Ave
Overheard by: champ
I'll Trade You Three Holes for Three Holes
Girl: I'll have a dozen bagels.
Bagel guy: I can't pass up on this opportunity. I have to tell you that you're really cute.
Girl: [Blushes.]
Bagel guy: Do you know what the difference between cute and not cute is?
Girl: ... Nooo, what?
Bagel guy: Three bagels. [Hands girl 15 bagels.]
--Jumbo Bagels, 57th & 2nd
Overheard by: paid full price
Headline by: Billy Splatts!
Runners-Up:
· "Beauty's in the Eye Of the Bagelholder" - JoAnne
· "Don't Ask How I Made the Holes" - Duncan Pflaster
· "Funny, That Also Used to Be a Weight Watchers Slogan" - 2bagelscute
· "It's Also the Difference Between Employed and Not Employed" - Caro
· "O! She Doth Teach The Toasters To Burn Bright" - Paul
· "That's Funny Because That's Also The Difference Between A Handjob And A Blowjob." - BG
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Remember Us for All Your Asphyxiation Needs
Customer: I need cigarettes.
Cashier, pleasantly: How would you like to kill yourself?
Customer, expressionless: Newports.
Cashier: Here you go.
--CVS, 25th & 6th
The Bad News: My Breasts Got Squished Flat
Older woman to cashier: Well, I had one of those, one of those... ummm... X-rays? MRIs?
Hipster in line: Mammogram?
Older woman: That's it! I don't have the cancer.
--99 Cent Store, near Devoe
Overheard by: I love MRI pics
I Hate These Clown Shoes!
Customer to cashier: Can I have a job application, please?
Cashier to manager: I need a job application for this guy.
Manager: Why in the hell would you want to work here? I'm trying to quit!
--McDonald's, Queens College
"You're Not 40 Anymore!" She'll Scream
Cashier: In 20 minutes I can go home... Go home and play some video games.
Middle-aged lady customer: Yay!
Cashier: Either that or drink.
Middle-aged lady customer: Why not both?
Cashier: Well, then my mom will yell at me in the morning.
--Douglaston Waldbaum's, Queens
Overheard by: Teen Girl #1
Don't We All, Buddy
New Indian cashier: I don't have any change. How do I get more change?
Old Indian cashier: Call on the intercom for the manager to come to the front.
New Indian cashier, over intercom: Manager to the front, please. I need change, please. I badly need change.
--Duane Reade, 50th & Broadway
Bitch, I Don't Know Your Life!
Cashier: Do you want a bag?
Elderly Village-type customer: Do I want a bag? What, am I gonna carry it out in my mouth?
--Strand Bookstore, 12th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jake Elwell
You're Right, But for the Wrong Reasons.
Woman: You won't take a fifty? Why won't you take a fifty? This is outrageous! You don't have a checker pen? You just check it with a checker pen! You need to get a checker pen. Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening!
Counter chick: It's company policy, we can't take fifties. Nothing bigger than a twenty. But this drink is on the house.
Woman: I don't want it on the house! I want to pay!
Counter chick: Don't worry about it. It's on the house. You don't have to pay.
Woman: Well, this is the craziest thing I ever heard! You won't let me pay! This is my husband's fault! He owns a nightclub and he won't give me a credit card. All he gives me is cash from the till! All I have is fifties and hundreds! I have a whole purse full of them! And you won't let me pay! I feel like I'm homeless or something! Oh my god, this is so embarrassing.
--Jamba Juice, 5th & 23rd
Overheard by: oliver tomorrow
Or Some Such Numbery Amount
Cashier: She gave you twelve dollars? Twenty dollars? Just give her back eleventeen.
--Rite Aid, 50th & 8th
Overheard by: maribeth
Tempting, but I'm Not Gonna Risk It
Old, disgruntled customer: I wish I was young again.
Cashier: Do you believe in reincarnation? You could just kill yourself.
--Deli, Lex Ave, between 38th & 39th
Overheard by: Becki
Sweet Nothings in My Ear and Hot Tar on My Ass
Cashier #1: So then where did you go?
Cashier #2: He took me up to the roof.
Cashier #1: Girl, you are so lucky! He sounds so romantical.
Cashier #2: Yeah, that's how I like it.
--C Town Supermarket, Queens
Overheard by: Sara Swank
NewsFlash: New Jersey Builds Immigration Wall
Yuppie on cell cutting long line, to cashier: I'd like to buy some cookies.
Cashier: Um, the line starts back there, sir.
Yuppie, into cell: I hate the fucking East Side. Everyone thinks they're hot shit. I can't figure out this fucking line -- all I want to do is buy some fucking cookies... New Jersey is my destiny.
--Bakery, 70th & Lex
Keds? Really?
Girl: Fall Out Boy would fuck me for my shoes.
Friend: Yo, I would fuck you for your shoes.
Cashier: Lemme see your shoes? [Nods] I'd fuck you for your shoes.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Myshoes
Much Wiser Not to Argue It
Cashier: I'm sorry, but weren't you in that movie? With Kevin Costner?
Joan Allen: Yes, The Upside of Anger. Thanks.
Cashier: I knew it was you! Last time you was in here I kept staring 'cause I knew it was you -- remember, I was staring at you? You was so good in that!
Joan Allen: Oh, thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it [pays and leaves].
Cashier to next lady in line: Yeah, last time she was in here I stared at her forever -- she must have thought I was crazy.
Lady in line: What movie was she in?
Cashier: 'The Other Side... of the Angel,' with Kevin Costner! She was that lady!
Lady in line: I never saw that movie. I thought she was on Lost. I thought she was the lady on Lost -- you know, the teacher.
Cashier: Nah, she was in that movie! 'The Other Side of the Angel.'
Lady in line: The Upside of Anger?
Cashier: No! It's called 'The Other Side of the Angel,' look it up!
Lady in line: Oh. Never seen it.
--Duane Reade, 94th & Broadway
Overheard by: Caro
Cat: I'm on the Verge of Suicide
Hipster cashier: Yeah, and when I'm not working here, I just sit on MySpace and take pictures of my cat and shit.
Female customer: Sounds like the life...
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: catherine
What, You Mean Now?
Cashier: Can you spell your name, please?
Man: ... Ummm... yes.
Cashier: I meant, can you spell it for me?
--Beacon's Closet, Park Slope
Overheard by: meyers of keswick
The Two Faces of Retail
Cashier to coworker: I would rather be homeless sleeping under a bridge than working this shitty job. [To customer] Have a great night!
--Joyce Leslie, 8th St & Washington Sq E
When Swarthy Met Sallow
Young woman: Hi, I am looking for a good bronzer powder. Can you help me?
Employee: I don't know, I don't have your skin color.
--Sephora
Headline by: TM
Runners-Up:
· "Here's a box of crayons, be creative!" - Steve
· "Neither do I, that's what the bronzer's for." - Dave
· "Or an IQ over 64........." - Cooter
· "The customer is always irrelevant" - Janet E.
· "Why training videos aren't made on Fridays anymore" - so pale
· "Zombies are so hard to work with" - TP
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Why Is It Saying, 'That Was Easy'?
Security guard #1 rushing in: Where is the panic button?
Sales girl: I don't even know what that is.
Security guard #1: It's not under the counter? You don't have a panic button? How can you not have a panic button?
Security guard #2: I think this is it. Here, on the wall behind you.
Security guard #1: Okay, okay. Okay, let's press it and see if it works.
--Pierpont Morgan Museum Gift Shop
Overheard by: not-panicking
Hobo Pay Isn't Great, but There's Very Little Overhead
Wendy's cashier: You're 12 cents short, sir.
Hobo standing in line throws a cup full of change at her: Don't worry about it!
--Wendy's
Overheard by: Graham
Socrates Shows Up Another So-Called 'Wise Man'
Crazy guy: Let me know about a Caesar salad.
Employee: We don't sell Caesar salads, sir.
Crazy guy: I didn't say I wanted a Caesar salad, I said, 'Let me know about a Caesar salad.' [Pause] What's in a Caesar salad?! What do ya'll know about it?!
Employee: I don't know.
Crazy guy: That's what I thought! Ya'll don't know about Caesar salads!
--Subway, 41st St, between 6th & Broadway
Overheard by: i know whats in a cesar salad but im not tellin
What If I Order Those, but You Hold the Cheese?
Cashier: What can I get for you?
Customer: Yeah, I want two Crave Cases with burgers.
Cashier: Will that be hamburgers or cheeseburgers?
Customer: What's the difference?
Cashier: The cheeseburgers have cheese.
--White Castle, 36th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: waiting for the food of the gods
Can I Borrow Your Pencil?
Cashier: Girl, will you take over for me? I need a break.
Employee: What for?
Cashier: I gotta go scratch my booty.
--Gristedes on W 4th St
Crotchless Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: This is the same girl who has G-strings where her forks and knives should go.
--2nd St & Ave B
Salesgirl: Do you want your boobies up or down?
--Victoria's Secret, Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Linda
Woman: I told Terrence not to pack that stuff in my carry-on. Security threw out all my Victoria Secrets!
--Starbucks, La Guardia airport
Overheard by: Allears
Girl: Only fat girls and porn stars wear Ds. I want to be a C!
--Victoria's Secret, 57th St
Man: Do you want to get some maternity underwear to make you feel sexy?
--Greene St & Prince St
Overheard by: deadzebra
Man: Are you a Jehovah's Witness? 'Cause I don't want you comin' to my house unless you're going to drop your panties!
--PATH train
Overheard by: blkgirl
Girl on cell: Dad? Hi. I just bought a lot of panties at Victoria's Secret. Can you reimburse me? Dad?
--Broadway & Prince St
Overheard by: djingo
In the Same Way that Those WMDs Were 'Sold Out'
Loud customer: Do you have She-Ra: Princess of Power?
Cashier: No, we don't carry it.
Loud customer: It's sold out?
Cashier: No. We don't carry it.
Loud customer: It's sold out?
Cashier: ...Yes.
--Virgin Megastore, Times Square
Tales from Wednesday One-Liners' Crypt
Man on cell: What are you, some sort of reverse vampire?
--C train
Dude: And there were unicorns exploding in the background... or at least doing whatever it is unicorns do.
--Live Bait, 23rd St
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Chick: You kind of look like a vampire in this picture. But a cool vampire! Like, if you were in The Lost Boys, Kiefer Sutherland would totally want to have sex with you.
--55th & 6th
Overheard by: wants to have sex with Kiefer Sutherland
Drunk hobo chuckling: You people look depressed! I know how to cheer you up. I'll sing my favorite song! 'Ding, dong, the witch is dead, the witch is dead...' [Looks around] Hmmm... [Notices the train going express] What the...? I need a new mathematician! I need a new mathematician!
--6 train making express stops on a surprise basis
Overheard by: Barry Negrin
Sax-wielding hobo: I am an alien! From outer space! Not from Mexico!
--L train
Overheard by: Alex P. Keaton
Ricky's employee: Looks like I'm all out in the fairy department.
--58th & Broadway
Mom: Johnny, put down the sword. Vampires don't use weapons. Their teeth are their weapons.
--Halloween shop, 8th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
McDonald's Employs Hobo Secret Shoppers to Keep Its Employees on Their Toes
Hobo: One small cheeseburger, please.
Counter girl: One small cheeseburger, anything else?
Hobo: What, they come in sizes now?
--McDonald's, 47th St
Overheard by: Jessica
Thank You, Mr. Stonerson--Come Again
Customer: You know what would be cool? If you guys, like, wore Tibetan monk outfits while you did that. That'd be cool.
Cupcake store employee: Ummmm...
--Rivington & Essex
Wednesday One-Liners Are All About the Benjamins
Fashionista: I'm not ready for a rich man.
--East Village
Woman: Yeah, he's got money. Like, when Michael Jackson tried to buy the Elephant Man? That kind of money. Giraffe money!
--Uptown 6 train
3-Year-Old: My daddy makes a lot of money so my mommy and me can live the life we want to live.
--Playground, DUMBO
Overheard by: grimrosary
Salesperson: Yeah, so he was like, "That's what it means to be rich. I can buy whatever makes me and my fiancé happy. I can buy her all the Harry Potter memorabilia that she wants."
--Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway
Overheard by: LSB
Wall-Street-Intern chick: So, if the weather is bad here in the Hamptons I may just fly to California or South Beach for the weekend. Hopefully nobody at work will need me because I may have to get a flight on Friday morning. You know, I have to do what's fiscally feasible for me...and by "me", I mean my parents.
--D train
Overheard by: I hope she reads this, and then dies...
Male customer to deli worker: Do you know where can I get a fake Rolex with counterfeit money?
--19th & 6th
Overheard by: Hobo Hank
Little girl, talking for a teddy bear with a stocking over its head, to another teddy bear: Give me all your money!
--Goodwill
Yes, the Subtitles Are Rebuses
Chick: What does that mean, that the movie has subtitles? Isn't it in English?
Cashier: Yes, it's in English, but it has subtitles for the disabled.
Chick: So it's for the illiterate or something?
--Regal Cinemas, Union Square
Circulation Department. How Can I Direct Your Underwear?
Salesgirl: And, with this purchase, you get a free set of panties. What size would you like?
Girl #1: Oh, really? Cool. Medium, please.
Girl #2: How are you a size 4 in pants and an extra-small in shirts but a medium in underwear?
Girl #1: Well, underwear always run true to size. You can't kid yourself into thinking you look skinny when your thongs are cutting off circulation to your labia.
--Express, 34th & 7th
Overheard by: I would have to agree
Wednesday One-Liners Built the Tower of Babel
Guy: Hey! Where's my Sudanese pussy from Chinatown?
--14th & University
Guy on cell: I'll meet you at the corner by the store with Chinese writing...Hey, wait a minute. All the fucking signs around here have Chinese writing.
--Walker & Lafayette
Overheard by: Wolf
Guy on cell: So, if this is true, then Dracula's native language would be Hungarian rather than Romanian. And I think that is important for my research.
--Anthology Film Archives, 2nd St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: nosy cinephile
Teen girl: This bag is mad Aztec.
--13th & University
Co-Worker: So, did she mention anything about Mexicans?
--Office, W 36th St
Overheard by: Evan
Well-Traveled girl: Mexico is not a Third-World country. JFK is.
--Tea Lounge, Park Slope
Small child: Mommy, look! You can tell he's Mexican by his eyes!
--Bodies exhibit, South Street Seaport
White girl, to Asian girl: So wait, is he just not Japanese or not interested?
--Walgreens, Union Square
Overheard by: Goldie
Businesswoman: Well you can't kill a Vietnamese man because that would just cost too much.
--I Trulli restaurant, E 27th St
Hobo: You're not Polish; you just think you're Polish!
--Tompkins Square Park
Voice over intercom: Will the foreign exchange student please come to the cashier.
--Century 21
Sassy chick: I can't believe she's moving to fucking Cambodia to live with a fucking cricket-hunter she's only known for two months!
--TGI Friday's, 52nd & 7th
Overheard by: Shaina
As Good as Phil Collins, But With a Human Head
Old lady: I just heard the concert in the park.
Checkout girl: Oh yeah, who was playing?
Old lady: The Philharmonic.
Checkout girl: Who?
Old lady: Philharmonic.
Checkout girl: Phil Harmonic? Was he good?
--Gristedes, 86th & Lex
Overheard by: lankyfool
It's 157, Your Weight in Pounds
D'Agostino check-out counter girl, loudly into the store intercom: Jason, what's your password?
--D'Agostino, Greenwich & Barrow
What Do You Think This Is, Tower Records?
Customer: Do you have the documentary on Marlene Dietrich made by
her nephew, David Riva?
Sales girl: Who's that again?
Customer: Marlene Dietrich.
Sales girl: [blank look]
Customer: Come on, Dietrich!! You know, Garbo, Monroe, Dietrich...
the big ones.
Sales girl: Hey, I'm sorry. I don't know everybody.--Virgin Megastore, Times SquareOverheard by: Gladys M
Headline by: Steve
Runners-Up:
· "A Virgin employee apologizing... she must be new, she hasn't grown a superiority complex yet" - Matthew McGuirl
· "Have you ever read anything by Seuss?" - Steve Harhart
· "He never could deliver a pick-up line without getting angry" - AK
· "I Need a Gay Male Employee at the Front Desk Please, a Gay Male Employee" - Jennifer Koretsky
· "I think she was in something with Tom Cruise...?" - Michelle
· "Plus he lost her at "documentary"" - Amy Stephenson
· "Sales clerk caught unaware of hip new trend called "History"" - Andy
· "She wears a nametag to satisfy her own curiosity" - Amanda
· "They're Dead to Me" - Toby
· "Wait. . . Your'e Telling Me Stuff Happened Before I Was Born?" - DanC
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Just Cleared Up That Business With the Houngan
Cashier: $2.99? That's cheap!
Female customer: That ain't cheap for my Trojans!
Cashier: No, I mean that's cheap, like, on sale.
Female customer: Don't be puttin' no bad vibe on my condoms!
--Duane Reade, 34th Street
Himself... And Six Million Pissed-Off Ghosts
Drunk white man: Hey, sir. "Knish" is spelled wrong.
Indian cashier: What?
Drunk white man: The food behind the case here. You spelled "knish" wrong, and I've told you guys before and it still hasn't been fixed. Look, buddy, I've come in here ten times in the last week. I've told three other employees that the spelling is wrong, and next time I come in here it better be spelled right or the Jews are gonna come kill you.
Drunk white man storms out.
Indian cashier: That man is fucking crazy. It's knish. Is it even spelled wrong?
Woman: No. He just forgot to take his meds and now the Jews are gonna come and kill you. And by "the Jews" he means himself.
--Organic food store, 19th & 3rd
Overheard by: Boo Radley
She Reminds Me So Much of Her Mother
Cash register guy: Yo man, how you doing? I saw your daughter walk past here yesterday. She was with some new dude.
Bagel customer: Really?
Cash register guy: Yeah, I never saw her with this guy before.
Bagel customer: Yeah, I don't really keep track of her.
Cash register guy: Yeah man, she's always with a different guy. I never see her with the same guy twice. You know, one day I saw her two times in an afternoon, and she was hangin' all over a different guy each time. Two in the same day, you know?
Bagel customer: I don't control what she does.
--87th & 1st
Overheard by: K. Fung