Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Clerks All Categories > People > Clerks
Recent | Best Of
Also, I May Need to Be Changed
Thug: Yo, I need to get this shit cashed.
Clerk: Do you have an account, sir?
Thug: Yeah, but I ain't got my card or my number.
Clerk: Sir, I need your social security number, then.
Thug: Aight, hold up. [Pulls out phone] Hey, Mommy, what's my social again?
--Chase Bank, Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Tabitha
Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up
Salad guy: I have bleu cheese and goat cheese, too.
Customer: What's bleu cheese?
Salad guy: It's a sad cheese.
--Hale & Hearty Soup
How Gwendolyn Got an Onion Bagel with Spit on It
Clerk: Ma'am, you did not order an onion bagel.
Biotech: Yes, I did. You're wrong.
Clerk: Let me read back your order. [Does so.]
Biotech: Look, I said you're wrong. You're wrong and you're ugly!
--875 3rd Ave
We Should Wager a Large Sum of Money on It
Male clerk, singing: ... And one of these days these foots are gonna walk all over you.
Ghetto female clerk: Foots? It's feets.
--19th & Broadway
Cornholerows
Salon receptionist calling man in waiting room: David*, you can pre-pay now.
David: I am here for a touch-up. I don't have to pay this time.
Salon receptionist: Oh, that's right -- what are you getting re-touched, again?
David: My buttocks... Y'know, my butt.
--7th Ave South & Greenwich Ave
And That's Why We Have the Rule
Little girl: Can I have a job here?
Clerk: How old are you?
Little girl: Nine.
Clerk: Well, you have to be at least 14 to work at the library.
Little girl: Oh, yeah? Well, you have a big head!
--Queens Library
Oh, I Gotcha -- See the Kid at the Loading Dock
Old lady: Do you sell cigarettes?
Clerk, in disbelief: Lady, this is a health food store.
Old lady: Okayyy, but do you sell the healthy kind? You know, the organic kind?
--House of Health, 71st & Lex
Overheard by: Jillcorp
Burglar: Ow, Shit! WTF?!
Customer: I'm looking for a kitchen table, some chairs, and a coffee table.
Sales guy: Wow, your place must be very big!
Customer: Not really. That's about all that will fit.
--Surprise! Surprise! store, East Village
Blame God
Shapely woman, yelling over shoulder: Stop looking at my butt!
Clerk leaving store: I'm sorry, I can't help it!
--The Village
That's a Television, Mr. President.
Man sitting outside building: Hey, Angelo! You know why I sit over here?
Bored doorman: Why?
Man: You can see those midgets straight through there gettin' in and out of that box! They do things you wouldn't believe! Outfits and everything!
--77th St, between Lex & 3rd Ave
Headline by: nick
Runners-Up:
· "Count Me In!" - Lalaith
· "And with a Little Peanut Butter, You Can Get Them to Lick You anywhere." - Jeff P
· "Dude, That's a Fucking Playground" - s h
· "Like Babies but Cuter!" - Tellulah
· "Otis Gets Cable" - D. Kareem
· "That Box? Lindsay Lohan." - sweetchuck
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
She Spent an Hour in Her Driveway This Morning Telling Her Car to Go
Clerk to woman trying to use debit card: You have to confirm.
Woman: How I do that?
Clerk: With the keypad you're holding.
Woman, using keypad as cell phone: I confirm!
--Electronic store, Times Square
Overheard by: French dude
This Might Have Continued Indefinitely Had It Not Been for the Robbery
Customer: Hi, I'd like a ham and cheese sandwich, please.
Deli worker: We're out of roast beef.
Customer: A ham and cheese sandwich, please.
Deli worker: I told you, there's no roast beef.
Customer, slower: A sandwich with ham and cheese?
Deli worker: But there's no roast beef.
--Broadway & Exchange
The Key Is Not to Act on the Thought
Deli clerk to mother with spoiled child: You should pull a Chris Benoit on her!
Mother: I thought about it.
--Silver Star Meat Market, Nostrand Ave
We've Determined You Might Accidentally Eat a Key
Chick: Excuse me, how much is it to use the computers?
Clerk: Two-fifty for 15 minutes.
Chick: So, how much is it for an hour?
Clerk: Ten dollars.
Chick: No, it's not!
Clerk: ... Yes, it is.
Chick: No way! It's not! Stop lying!
Clerk: You know what? You can't use the computers. Get out.
--Computer cafe, 7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Tech Monkey
Why Every Girl Needs a Slutty Friend
Teen girl: [Mumbles.]
Clerk: What?
Teen girl: [Speaks softly.]
Clerk: You're going to have to speak up.
Teen girl: [Leans over counter and mumbles.]
Clerk: What? What the fuck are those? [Yells to coworker] Tina*! Do we have any morning after pills? [Teen girl sprints out of store.]
--Crowded CVS
Fucking Electronic Ankle Bracelet
Clerk #1: Dang, girl, that old man just bought his self some condoms, and he had a wedding ring, so I know he be cheatin' on his wife!
Clerk #2: Girl, that ain't nothin'! Yesterday there was a guy in here buying himself some Trojans, and he was so fine I wanted to follow him right outta here!
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: and I ain't fine?
Maybe You Should Stop Feeding It Beans
Sales clerk #1: I feel like I'm vibrating.
Sales clerk #2: Maybe it's your aura.
--Changing room, store, Soho
Overheard by: Gina
I Need to Get Me Some of That Time-Travel Pussy
Grocery stock boy #1: Man, I need to get me some foreign pussy. Out of town, out of state, out of country -- shit, I just want to see what it's like.
Grocery stock boy #2: Word.
--E 79th & York
Overheard by: PBT
Just Not in Any Recent Incarnation
Clerk: What's that symbol on your shirt?
Chick: It says 'Nepal.'
Clerk: What's Nepal?
Chick: It's where the Dalai Lama lives.
Clerk: What's the Dalai Lama? Is that an animal?
Chick: Yeah, it's like a Yeti.
Clerk: Oh.
--Pelham Pkwy
Overheard by: raginggoatboy
Tall Guy, Blue Jacket with Red and White Striped Trousers...?
Black guy: Yo, you gotta know Uncle Sam, man. I mean, you pay your taxes, right?
Indian clerk: No, I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about.
--Deli, 14th & 3rd
Overheard by: hoch
And by That I Mean I Hope Your Shirt Gets Stuck in the Conveyer Belt
Customs agent: What business you in?
Young suit with acne: Um, I'm a stock broker.
Customs agent: Are you old enough to do that?
Young suit with acne: Barely.
Customs agent: Doubtful. Look at you. All that stuff on your face -- take care of that shit and get it cleaned up. Get yourself a woman.
Young suit with acne, biting lip: Thank you, sir. Have a nice day.
--LaGuardia airport
... It Was Clerks! It Was Clerks Who Passed Us Over!
Clerk: Cold out there, huh?
Hobo: No. It's never cold out there. The only true coldness exists in the heart of man. And who taught man to be so cold? Woman! Ever since he was a baby and was scolded by his mother, man learned to be cold from woman. It was woman who taught man to deceive. It was woman who...
Clerk: Next, please.
--Convenience store, 53rd St station
Overheard by: MattyB
John Madden: You Can't Win a Game If You Don't Score Any Points
Young ticket clerk: Ma'am, are you expecting a baby?
Young woman in baby doll dress: No! I'm not pregnant at all! [She shakes her head in disgust and stomps into theater.]
Young ticket clerk, screaming after her with arms in the air: You still fine as hell, though!
--AMC Loews, 42nd St
Overheard by: Tina
What? Dead? He Didn't Deserve That!
Friendly young clerk: It's terrible news about Vonnegut, isn't it?
Old woman: I think he deserved to be fired! He shouldn't be saying that racist stuff on the radio!
--Thrift Shop, 23rd & 3rd
FTC to Weigh in on K-Y / Land O'Lakes Merger
Customer: Can I see the smallest thing of K-Y you have?
Clerk: You should just use butter. It's better and it's cheaper.
--Drug store, 8th Ave, Chelsea
Overheard by: Mike M
Like What Brand of Computer Condoms to Buy
Guy #1: I don't know... Which bag should I get?
Girl employee: Well, you should get a laptop cover and a padded bag.
Guy #2: Excuse me, that's not necessary.
Girl employee: Well, that way it keeps your computer safer.
Guy #2: But it would be like wearing two condoms at the same time.
Girl employee: True.
Guy #1: Thanks. To both of you. I have a lot to think about.
--Apple Store, Soho
If You Also Have Plastic Mashed Potatoes, I Can Die Happy
Stoner: What do you have ready?
Cashier: Chicken.
Stoner: What kind of chicken?
Cashier: It's called fried chicken.
--Palace Fried Chicken
Overheard by: Brian
Reality's Harder to Explain Than I Thought
Ghetto clerk #1: Someone called before from New Mexico.
Ghetto clerk #2: So?
Ghetto clerk #1: Well, I didn't know there was a New Mexico.
Ghetto clerk #2: Yeah, there's Mexico and New Mexico.
Ghetto clerk #1: Oh, I get it. So it's like Bronk and da Bronx?
Ghetto clerk #2: Not really.
--Manhattan Supreme Court
Better Save the 'Two Washingtons' Story for Tomorrow
Clerk: Sir, you need to fill out a customs form for that.
Man: What? Why? This is in America.
Clerk: Sir, it's North America, but Oregon is not in the US.
Man: Yes, it is. It's in the northwest.
Clerk: Really? Are you sure? Oh.
--Post office, 99 Macombs Pl
Where's Mr. T When You Need Him?
Eight-year old posse leader to clerk: Nah, don't look at me, man. Yo, I'm serious. Fuck you. I'll shoot you. I'll shoot you right now. I'll shoot you in the face. You don't beleeb me? I got a BB gun right now in my pocket. I'll shoot you in the face, man. You know what? It'll hurt. It'll hurt, too, man. I'll shoot you in your face. Right now. Yeah. [Takes big swig of Sprite.] Yeah. I'll shoot you... In the face, yo. [Leaves with posse, flipping off clerk.]
Customer: Wow.
Clerk: Yeah, they're our future.
--Convenience store, 122nd & Lex
Overheard by: I just wanted some 40's...
I Know My Job, and Helping You Ain't It
Black lady: Where do I submit this form?
Desk clerk: Are you petitioning for child support violation?
Black lady: No! Who do I give this to?!
Desk clerk: Are you petitioning for alimony or other support?
Black lady: No! Now, who the hell do I give this form to?
Desk clerk: Lady, if you're not petitioning for anything then you don't submit your form to nobody.
--Family Court, 330 Jay St
Overheard by: Sophia
Dude, You Are the Worst Salesman Ever
Salesguy: See, these big-screen TVs are like another woman to a guy. Seriously. So, if you bring this home it's like bringing home a threesome. You, him, and this other woman TV. You see?
Chick: Uh, I'm gonna have to think about it.
--Circuit City, Upper West Side
This Is Just for Throwing at the Wall Like a Rock Star
Store clerk: This is a good TV, but ma'am, it'll probably be obsolete in about three or five years.
Old lady: That's fine, 'cause I'll probably be obsolete in three or five years.
--Best Buy, 86th & Lex
Overheard by: Emily
Already Taken Care Of
Clerk #1: Did you know that there are a whole bunch of copies of Atlas Shrugged in the Bestsellers section?
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Clerk #1: Is it okay if I pee on them?
--Info desk, Strand Bookstore
'Shirts' are All the Rage This Season
Male shopper: Excuse me, do you have any sweater vests?
Salesperson: Um, we only have long sleeve vests.
Male shopper: Hmmm, can I see them?
--UNIQLO at Rockefeller Center
Do Not Attempt to Watch Will Smith While Operating Heavy Machinery
Cashier chick #1: Sundays, now.
Cashier chick #2: You like working Sundays?
Cashier chick #1: I love working Sundays. So quiet. You could sleep, like, three hours. Will Smith came in yesterday! He was shooting a movie.
--Duane Reade, 56th & 6th
Or More Staplers
Hospital coffee shop counter guy: Missed you yesterday.
Hospital clerk: Yeah, you didn't see me yesterday. I was in the emergency room. Patient
swung at me with a cane. So I threw a metal stapler at her. I got stressed when I threw that stapler, yeah. So I went to the emergency room. We need partitions, man.
--City Hospital, Bronx
Cause If I Don't Make Quota This Month, the Yakuza Will Have My Thumbs
Overeager sales associate: Welcome to American Eagle! Can I help you find anything?
Guy: No thanks, just looking.
Overeager sales associate: Hey, you know what would really look good on you?
Guy: What?
Overeager sales associate: Jeans!
Guy: Uh... I guess I like jeans.
Overeager sales associate: That's music to my ears!
--American Eagle, Union Square
Overheard by: doubeldee
Grand Slam Wednesday One-Liners
Man selling CDs: If you like the Mets, you will love my album!
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: nicole
Mets fan: I don't care if I have one lung, or only have half a pancreas, or if I lose a leg falling in front of the train. As long as the Mets win, I'm good to go.
--7 train
Asshole, pointing to guy with Red Sox bumper sticker on his wheelchair: He's a Boston fan; let's kick his ass! Oh wait, looks like God beat us to it.
--126th & St Nick
Conductor, on PA: That Johnny Damon. He sure looks like Jesus. But he sure throws like my little sister.
--Amtrak train out of Penn Station
Overheard by: Lisita
MTA worker: All people for the Mets game, go to your right. All people for the US Open, if any, go to your left.
--Willets Point-Shea Stadium subway station
Overheard by: Emily
Thugette: Yo, when I make it in show business, I will not speak to Ben Affleck. When I found out he's a Red Sox fan, I decided then and there.
--Q65 bus
Overheard by: A White Bear
Conductor: 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. Let Big Papi know who the real MVP is.
--D train
Overheard by: Lindsay J.
How T-Shirt Magazine Was Born
Clerk #1: I've always wanted to start my own magazine.
Clerk #2: Yeah, but there are so many magazines out!
Clerk #3: I've always wanted to start my own T-shirt company.
--American Apparel, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by:
This Bookstore Has Had Several Owners, Yes
Girl: Is this the cheapest copy of Steal This Book that you have?
Cashier: Yeah, we only have that one new.
Girl: So then this isn't exactly a used bookstore, is it?
Cashier: Well, you are going to use it, right?
--Village Bookstore, St. Marks
How Are They Wearing Orange Cheese in Paris These Days?
Customer: You got anything for a model in here? My niece is a model, and I gotta get her something for her birthday!
Salesgirl: Yes, ma'am, we have some dresses over here.
Customer: 'Cause she's a model, and I gotta get her something... [holding up a scarf] is this good for a model?
Salesgirl: Well, yes, do you think she'd like those colors?
Customer: Oh, I don't know! Who knows what these models want anyway! Do you have a knife?
Salesgirl: What?
Customer: A knife! A knife! So I can cut this open! [Produces large block of orange cheese from her coat]
Salesgirl: Um, ma'am, there's no eating in the store.
Customer: I know that! I'm not gonna eat it! I just want to open it! Jesus!
Salesgirl: Let me get my manager.
--Pookie and Sebastian, 36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jenna Blackburn
Nice People Suck
Tourist lady: People are so mean here. I think they should just give bin Laden the nuclear warhead and let him take this place out. Make this Ground Zero.
Pet-Adoption man: Uh...
Tourist lady: And I'm a nice person.
--Pet adoption kiosk, Union Square
Overheard by: Frightened for the Homeless Kitten's Life
We've Taken the Calories in This KFC Chicken and Replaced Them With Styrofoam. Let's See If Our Diners Notice the Difference!
Cashier #1: I've tried to lose weight, but it's hard.
Cashier #2: You just need a diet chicken.
Cashier #1, after a pause: What the hell is a diet chicken?
--Duane Reade, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: Candy
How the Seeds of Revolution Get Planted
Court clerk: Your summons says you must serve on the grand jury. Why are you asking for a postponement?
Juror: 4 weeks is too much.
Court clerk: It's too much for everyone [waves hand at other 200 potential jurors], yet somehow I don't see everyone storming the Bastille. You're serving.
--NY State Supreme Court, Centre St
Overheard by: TW
It's a Trap! Buy the Schopenhauer!
Guy: Hey, I'm lookin' for a book.
Lady behind the counter: Um, okay. Did you have any particular one in mind?
Guy, laughing: No. Hell no. I don't fuckin' read. I'm just lookin' for something I can take over to Central Park so I can get hit on by chicks who think I'm smart and shit.
Lady behind counter: Try Nietzsche.
--Barnes & Noble, Broadway between 82nd & 83rd
Now He's Planning to Trade the Woman and the Magazines For the House
Clerk: 20 copies [of ELLE Decor]?
Older man: My Hamptons house is on the cover.
Younger woman: Actually, it's not his house anymore.
Older man: It's my ex-wife's.
Younger woman: Yeah, he traded the house for me!
--Magazine shop, Gramercy