Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Clerks All Categories > People > Clerks
Recent | Best Of
Also, I May Need to Be Changed
Thug: Yo, I need to get this shit cashed.
Clerk: Do you have an account, sir?
Thug: Yeah, but I ain't got my card or my number.
Clerk: Sir, I need your social security number, then.
Thug: Aight, hold up. [Pulls out phone] Hey, Mommy, what's my social again?
--Chase Bank, Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Tabitha
Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up
Salad guy: I have bleu cheese and goat cheese, too.
Customer: What's bleu cheese?
Salad guy: It's a sad cheese.
--Hale & Hearty Soup
How Gwendolyn Got an Onion Bagel with Spit on It
Clerk: Ma'am, you did not order an onion bagel.
Biotech: Yes, I did. You're wrong.
Clerk: Let me read back your order. [Does so.]
Biotech: Look, I said you're wrong. You're wrong and you're ugly!
--875 3rd Ave
We Should Wager a Large Sum of Money on It
Male clerk, singing: ... And one of these days these foots are gonna walk all over you.
Ghetto female clerk: Foots? It's feets.
--19th & Broadway
Cornholerows
Salon receptionist calling man in waiting room: David*, you can pre-pay now.
David: I am here for a touch-up. I don't have to pay this time.
Salon receptionist: Oh, that's right -- what are you getting re-touched, again?
David: My buttocks... Y'know, my butt.
--7th Ave South & Greenwich Ave
And That's Why We Have the Rule
Little girl: Can I have a job here?
Clerk: How old are you?
Little girl: Nine.
Clerk: Well, you have to be at least 14 to work at the library.
Little girl: Oh, yeah? Well, you have a big head!
--Queens Library
Oh, I Gotcha -- See the Kid at the Loading Dock
Old lady: Do you sell cigarettes?
Clerk, in disbelief: Lady, this is a health food store.
Old lady: Okayyy, but do you sell the healthy kind? You know, the organic kind?
--House of Health, 71st & Lex
Overheard by: Jillcorp
Burglar: Ow, Shit! WTF?!
Customer: I'm looking for a kitchen table, some chairs, and a coffee table.
Sales guy: Wow, your place must be very big!
Customer: Not really. That's about all that will fit.
--Surprise! Surprise! store, East Village
Blame God
Shapely woman, yelling over shoulder: Stop looking at my butt!
Clerk leaving store: I'm sorry, I can't help it!
--The Village
That's a Television, Mr. President.
Man sitting outside building: Hey, Angelo! You know why I sit over here?
Bored doorman: Why?
Man: You can see those midgets straight through there gettin' in and out of that box! They do things you wouldn't believe! Outfits and everything!
--77th St, between Lex & 3rd Ave
Headline by: nick
Runners-Up:
· "Count Me In!" - Lalaith
· "And with a Little Peanut Butter, You Can Get Them to Lick You anywhere." - Jeff P
· "Dude, That's a Fucking Playground" - s h
· "Like Babies but Cuter!" - Tellulah
· "Otis Gets Cable" - D. Kareem
· "That Box? Lindsay Lohan." - sweetchuck
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
She Spent an Hour in Her Driveway This Morning Telling Her Car to Go
Clerk to woman trying to use debit card: You have to confirm.
Woman: How I do that?
Clerk: With the keypad you're holding.
Woman, using keypad as cell phone: I confirm!
--Electronic store, Times Square
Overheard by: French dude
This Might Have Continued Indefinitely Had It Not Been for the Robbery
Customer: Hi, I'd like a ham and cheese sandwich, please.
Deli worker: We're out of roast beef.
Customer: A ham and cheese sandwich, please.
Deli worker: I told you, there's no roast beef.
Customer, slower: A sandwich with ham and cheese?
Deli worker: But there's no roast beef.
--Broadway & Exchange
The Key Is Not to Act on the Thought
Deli clerk to mother with spoiled child: You should pull a Chris Benoit on her!
Mother: I thought about it.
--Silver Star Meat Market, Nostrand Ave
We've Determined You Might Accidentally Eat a Key
Chick: Excuse me, how much is it to use the computers?
Clerk: Two-fifty for 15 minutes.
Chick: So, how much is it for an hour?
Clerk: Ten dollars.
Chick: No, it's not!
Clerk: ... Yes, it is.
Chick: No way! It's not! Stop lying!
Clerk: You know what? You can't use the computers. Get out.
--Computer cafe, 7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Tech Monkey
Why Every Girl Needs a Slutty Friend
Teen girl: [Mumbles.]
Clerk: What?
Teen girl: [Speaks softly.]
Clerk: You're going to have to speak up.
Teen girl: [Leans over counter and mumbles.]
Clerk: What? What the fuck are those? [Yells to coworker] Tina*! Do we have any morning after pills? [Teen girl sprints out of store.]
--Crowded CVS
Fucking Electronic Ankle Bracelet
Clerk #1: Dang, girl, that old man just bought his self some condoms, and he had a wedding ring, so I know he be cheatin' on his wife!
Clerk #2: Girl, that ain't nothin'! Yesterday there was a guy in here buying himself some Trojans, and he was so fine I wanted to follow him right outta here!
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: and I ain't fine?
Maybe You Should Stop Feeding It Beans
Sales clerk #1: I feel like I'm vibrating.
Sales clerk #2: Maybe it's your aura.
--Changing room, store, Soho
Overheard by: Gina
I Need to Get Me Some of That Time-Travel Pussy
Grocery stock boy #1: Man, I need to get me some foreign pussy. Out of town, out of state, out of country -- shit, I just want to see what it's like.
Grocery stock boy #2: Word.
--E 79th & York
Overheard by: PBT
Just Not in Any Recent Incarnation
Clerk: What's that symbol on your shirt?
Chick: It says 'Nepal.'
Clerk: What's Nepal?
Chick: It's where the Dalai Lama lives.
Clerk: What's the Dalai Lama? Is that an animal?
Chick: Yeah, it's like a Yeti.
Clerk: Oh.
--Pelham Pkwy
Overheard by: raginggoatboy
Tall Guy, Blue Jacket with Red and White Striped Trousers...?
Black guy: Yo, you gotta know Uncle Sam, man. I mean, you pay your taxes, right?
Indian clerk: No, I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about.
--Deli, 14th & 3rd
Overheard by: hoch
And by That I Mean I Hope Your Shirt Gets Stuck in the Conveyer Belt
Customs agent: What business you in?
Young suit with acne: Um, I'm a stock broker.
Customs agent: Are you old enough to do that?
Young suit with acne: Barely.
Customs agent: Doubtful. Look at you. All that stuff on your face -- take care of that shit and get it cleaned up. Get yourself a woman.
Young suit with acne, biting lip: Thank you, sir. Have a nice day.
--LaGuardia airport
... It Was Clerks! It Was Clerks Who Passed Us Over!
Clerk: Cold out there, huh?
Hobo: No. It's never cold out there. The only true coldness exists in the heart of man. And who taught man to be so cold? Woman! Ever since he was a baby and was scolded by his mother, man learned to be cold from woman. It was woman who taught man to deceive. It was woman who...
Clerk: Next, please.
--Convenience store, 53rd St station
Overheard by: MattyB
John Madden: You Can't Win a Game If You Don't Score Any Points
Young ticket clerk: Ma'am, are you expecting a baby?
Young woman in baby doll dress: No! I'm not pregnant at all! [She shakes her head in disgust and stomps into theater.]
Young ticket clerk, screaming after her with arms in the air: You still fine as hell, though!
--AMC Loews, 42nd St
Overheard by: Tina
What? Dead? He Didn't Deserve That!
Friendly young clerk: It's terrible news about Vonnegut, isn't it?
Old woman: I think he deserved to be fired! He shouldn't be saying that racist stuff on the radio!
--Thrift Shop, 23rd & 3rd
FTC to Weigh in on K-Y / Land O'Lakes Merger
Customer: Can I see the smallest thing of K-Y you have?
Clerk: You should just use butter. It's better and it's cheaper.
--Drug store, 8th Ave, Chelsea
Overheard by: Mike M
Like What Brand of Computer Condoms to Buy
Guy #1: I don't know... Which bag should I get?
Girl employee: Well, you should get a laptop cover and a padded bag.
Guy #2: Excuse me, that's not necessary.
Girl employee: Well, that way it keeps your computer safer.
Guy #2: But it would be like wearing two condoms at the same time.
Girl employee: True.
Guy #1: Thanks. To both of you. I have a lot to think about.
--Apple Store, Soho
If You Also Have Plastic Mashed Potatoes, I Can Die Happy
Stoner: What do you have ready?
Cashier: Chicken.
Stoner: What kind of chicken?
Cashier: It's called fried chicken.
--Palace Fried Chicken
Overheard by: Brian
Reality's Harder to Explain Than I Thought
Ghetto clerk #1: Someone called before from New Mexico.
Ghetto clerk #2: So?
Ghetto clerk #1: Well, I didn't know there was a New Mexico.
Ghetto clerk #2: Yeah, there's Mexico and New Mexico.
Ghetto clerk #1: Oh, I get it. So it's like Bronk and da Bronx?
Ghetto clerk #2: Not really.
--Manhattan Supreme Court
Better Save the 'Two Washingtons' Story for Tomorrow
Clerk: Sir, you need to fill out a customs form for that.
Man: What? Why? This is in America.
Clerk: Sir, it's North America, but Oregon is not in the US.
Man: Yes, it is. It's in the northwest.
Clerk: Really? Are you sure? Oh.
--Post office, 99 Macombs Pl
Where's Mr. T When You Need Him?
Eight-year old posse leader to clerk: Nah, don't look at me, man. Yo, I'm serious. Fuck you. I'll shoot you. I'll shoot you right now. I'll shoot you in the face. You don't beleeb me? I got a BB gun right now in my pocket. I'll shoot you in the face, man. You know what? It'll hurt. It'll hurt, too, man. I'll shoot you in your face. Right now. Yeah. [Takes big swig of Sprite.] Yeah. I'll shoot you... In the face, yo. [Leaves with posse, flipping off clerk.]
Customer: Wow.
Clerk: Yeah, they're our future.
--Convenience store, 122nd & Lex
Overheard by: I just wanted some 40's...
I Know My Job, and Helping You Ain't It
Black lady: Where do I submit this form?
Desk clerk: Are you petitioning for child support violation?
Black lady: No! Who do I give this to?!
Desk clerk: Are you petitioning for alimony or other support?
Black lady: No! Now, who the hell do I give this form to?
Desk clerk: Lady, if you're not petitioning for anything then you don't submit your form to nobody.
--Family Court, 330 Jay St
Overheard by: Sophia
Dude, You Are the Worst Salesman Ever
Salesguy: See, these big-screen TVs are like another woman to a guy. Seriously. So, if you bring this home it's like bringing home a threesome. You, him, and this other woman TV. You see?
Chick: Uh, I'm gonna have to think about it.
--Circuit City, Upper West Side
This Is Just for Throwing at the Wall Like a Rock Star
Store clerk: This is a good TV, but ma'am, it'll probably be obsolete in about three or five years.
Old lady: That's fine, 'cause I'll probably be obsolete in three or five years.
--Best Buy, 86th & Lex
Overheard by: Emily
Already Taken Care Of
Clerk #1: Did you know that there are a whole bunch of copies of Atlas Shrugged in the Bestsellers section?
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Clerk #1: Is it okay if I pee on them?
--Info desk, Strand Bookstore
'Shirts' are All the Rage This Season
Male shopper: Excuse me, do you have any sweater vests?
Salesperson: Um, we only have long sleeve vests.
Male shopper: Hmmm, can I see them?
--UNIQLO at Rockefeller Center
Do Not Attempt to Watch Will Smith While Operating Heavy Machinery
Cashier chick #1: Sundays, now.
Cashier chick #2: You like working Sundays?
Cashier chick #1: I love working Sundays. So quiet. You could sleep, like, three hours. Will Smith came in yesterday! He was shooting a movie.
--Duane Reade, 56th & 6th
Or More Staplers
Hospital coffee shop counter guy: Missed you yesterday.
Hospital clerk: Yeah, you didn't see me yesterday. I was in the emergency room. Patient
swung at me with a cane. So I threw a metal stapler at her. I got stressed when I threw that stapler, yeah. So I went to the emergency room. We need partitions, man.
--City Hospital, Bronx
Cause If I Don't Make Quota This Month, the Yakuza Will Have My Thumbs
Overeager sales associate: Welcome to American Eagle! Can I help you find anything?
Guy: No thanks, just looking.
Overeager sales associate: Hey, you know what would really look good on you?
Guy: What?
Overeager sales associate: Jeans!
Guy: Uh... I guess I like jeans.
Overeager sales associate: That's music to my ears!
--American Eagle, Union Square
Overheard by: doubeldee
Grand Slam Wednesday One-Liners
Man selling CDs: If you like the Mets, you will love my album!
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: nicole
Mets fan: I don't care if I have one lung, or only have half a pancreas, or if I lose a leg falling in front of the train. As long as the Mets win, I'm good to go.
--7 train
Asshole, pointing to guy with Red Sox bumper sticker on his wheelchair: He's a Boston fan; let's kick his ass! Oh wait, looks like God beat us to it.
--126th & St Nick
Conductor, on PA: That Johnny Damon. He sure looks like Jesus. But he sure throws like my little sister.
--Amtrak train out of Penn Station
Overheard by: Lisita
MTA worker: All people for the Mets game, go to your right. All people for the US Open, if any, go to your left.
--Willets Point-Shea Stadium subway station
Overheard by: Emily
Thugette: Yo, when I make it in show business, I will not speak to Ben Affleck. When I found out he's a Red Sox fan, I decided then and there.
--Q65 bus
Overheard by: A White Bear
Conductor: 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. Let Big Papi know who the real MVP is.
--D train
Overheard by: Lindsay J.
How T-Shirt Magazine Was Born
Clerk #1: I've always wanted to start my own magazine.
Clerk #2: Yeah, but there are so many magazines out!
Clerk #3: I've always wanted to start my own T-shirt company.
--American Apparel, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by:
This Bookstore Has Had Several Owners, Yes
Girl: Is this the cheapest copy of Steal This Book that you have?
Cashier: Yeah, we only have that one new.
Girl: So then this isn't exactly a used bookstore, is it?
Cashier: Well, you are going to use it, right?
--Village Bookstore, St. Marks
How Are They Wearing Orange Cheese in Paris These Days?
Customer: You got anything for a model in here? My niece is a model, and I gotta get her something for her birthday!
Salesgirl: Yes, ma'am, we have some dresses over here.
Customer: 'Cause she's a model, and I gotta get her something... [holding up a scarf] is this good for a model?
Salesgirl: Well, yes, do you think she'd like those colors?
Customer: Oh, I don't know! Who knows what these models want anyway! Do you have a knife?
Salesgirl: What?
Customer: A knife! A knife! So I can cut this open! [Produces large block of orange cheese from her coat]
Salesgirl: Um, ma'am, there's no eating in the store.
Customer: I know that! I'm not gonna eat it! I just want to open it! Jesus!
Salesgirl: Let me get my manager.
--Pookie and Sebastian, 36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jenna Blackburn
Nice People Suck
Tourist lady: People are so mean here. I think they should just give bin Laden the nuclear warhead and let him take this place out. Make this Ground Zero.
Pet-Adoption man: Uh...
Tourist lady: And I'm a nice person.
--Pet adoption kiosk, Union Square
Overheard by: Frightened for the Homeless Kitten's Life
We've Taken the Calories in This KFC Chicken and Replaced Them With Styrofoam. Let's See If Our Diners Notice the Difference!
Cashier #1: I've tried to lose weight, but it's hard.
Cashier #2: You just need a diet chicken.
Cashier #1, after a pause: What the hell is a diet chicken?
--Duane Reade, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: Candy
How the Seeds of Revolution Get Planted
Court clerk: Your summons says you must serve on the grand jury. Why are you asking for a postponement?
Juror: 4 weeks is too much.
Court clerk: It's too much for everyone [waves hand at other 200 potential jurors], yet somehow I don't see everyone storming the Bastille. You're serving.
--NY State Supreme Court, Centre St
Overheard by: TW
It's a Trap! Buy the Schopenhauer!
Guy: Hey, I'm lookin' for a book.
Lady behind the counter: Um, okay. Did you have any particular one in mind?
Guy, laughing: No. Hell no. I don't fuckin' read. I'm just lookin' for something I can take over to Central Park so I can get hit on by chicks who think I'm smart and shit.
Lady behind counter: Try Nietzsche.
--Barnes & Noble, Broadway between 82nd & 83rd
Now He's Planning to Trade the Woman and the Magazines For the House
Clerk: 20 copies [of ELLE Decor]?
Older man: My Hamptons house is on the cover.
Younger woman: Actually, it's not his house anymore.
Older man: It's my ex-wife's.
Younger woman: Yeah, he traded the house for me!
--Magazine shop, Gramercy
When She Comes Back With the Size Five Wrapped Around One Thigh, All She's Getting Is Store Credit
Sales girl: Okay, so what did you want to get for her?
Old lady: Well, she's a size five.
Sales girl: Yeah, but our sizes here run small, so you probably want to get her a seven or something.
Old lady: No, my granddaughter, she's a five.
Sales girl: Yeah, but our sizes-
Old lady: -She's a five.
Sales girl: Yeah, okay.
--Billabong store, Broadway
Overheard by: Kelsey
It's Like Nazi, But for Women and Gays
Saleslady: Hi, miss, can I help you?
Woman: No, that's okay, I have my daughter with me.
Saleslady: Are you sure you dont need any help?
Woman: Yes, I am sure. My daughter is quite the fashionada. She gives me the best opinions.
Saleslady, to another saleslady: What's a fashionada? New Yorkers have their own language or something.
--Barney's
Overheard by: ash sauer
He's Talking About Blast Radius
Nosy customer: So what are you from, Germany?
Guy with accent: No, Austria.
Nosy customer: Ha, close enough.
Guy with accent: Err, no, not really.
--Ess-a-Bagel
Overheard by: Chris
I Get a Helmeting for Each Party I Refer to Them
Six young guys are trying to check into the Hotel Chelsea late on Saturday night of Pride Weekend.
Desk clerk: Two beds for four men, not six! Not six men for two beds. [Pause] That's a different hotel!
--Hotel Chelsea, W. 23rd St
Wow, what a dick.
Guy: Yeah, these Speedos won't work for me. My dick's too big for them. They never fit right.
Shopgirl: I've never seen a customer with that problem. Let's see what else fits your.. you.
--Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway
Headline by: jgordon
Runners-Up:
· "A cock and bull story" - Guy
· "Finally, it matters." - Ben Allaire
· "Try to contain yourself" - Jenny
· "We'll just ignore the fact that your ass is too big for them, too" - Silvyr
· "Talk about a suspicious package..." - girlhattan
· "Clerks III: Bigger, Longer, Uncut" - JB
· "Everybody Wants to Fit In" - Dave Barnette
· "Pop Goes The Weasel" - Paul
· "He has the same problem with hats" - Kendal
· "If she keeps talking like that, they'll fit even worse." - bill
· "Quite a Pickle" - Dave Barnette
· "Speedon't" - Sean McGurr
· "Too big for his britches" - suzie g
· "I am one size fits all" - twosko
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Only Dead Pimps Give Up The Bling
Dude: Do you guys sell bling?
Store guy: All the way in the back, under the skeleton pimp.
--Halloween Adventure, 4th Avenue
Overheard by: Hank Luxford
We Have Ourselves a Match
Teen boy: Do you have any matches?
Counter lady: Can I see ID?
Teen boy: You need ID for matches? For just matches?
Counter lady: I can't give you matches without ID.
Teen boy: ID for matches...what the fuck is this world coming to?
--Bodega, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Tim Noonan
Cashier chick: "You've got cigarettes, but you don't have matches? That don't make sense!" We sell lighters, stupidass. Buy one.
--Walgreens, 4th Avenue
Then Explain Maxim's Judge Judy Spread
Shopgirl #1: I can't believe she's in love with a guy who's 26.
Shopgirl #2: Well, my dad couldn't say anything if I went out with a guy who's 28 even, 'cause he married someone like 20 years younger than him.
Shopgirl #1: Wow, is she a hottie?
Shopgirl #2: She's a lawyer, so she can't be.
--4 Play BK, Park Slope
Overheard by: Mr. Donutsu
We Don't Understand the Meaning of "Please"
Businessguy: Hi, small Earl Grey tea with milk, please.
Deli man: What kind of tea?
Businessguy: Earl Grey.
Deli man: How many sugars you say? Two?
--Deli, Wall & Water
Just Two Cagneys, a Lacey and Three Kates
Security lady: ...Oh, I know her. I heard she don't have no teeth no more.
Guy: Heh...nope.
Security lady: Good for suckin' dick.
Guy: Heh, heh...yep.
Security lady: Bet that's right up your alley, ain't it?
Guy: I ain't got no alleys.
--New York Public Library, West 53rd Street
The Father of the Year 2005 Nominees
Doorman #1: You know what I get to do with her? Besides cuddle, I mean. You know what I do?
Doorman #2: What?
Doorman #1: I get to expose my penis to her.
--43rd & 5th
Baked with Christian Blood, or Split Hooves
Girl: Excuse me, is you popcorn kosher?
Counter guy: Um...I, ah, I dunno.
Girl: Do you even know what kosher means?
Counter guy: Hey, Geraldo. Is our popcorn kosher?
Geraldo: What the fuck's kosher?
--Loews 84th Street Theatre 6
Not a Creature was Stirring
Dude: There are about 20 mice running around the glassed-in area over there.
Store guy: Oh yeah. We know. Every Starbucks has mice.
Store chick: They're cute!
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: The Tep
Store guy: Welcome to K-mart! Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas!
Woman: Yeah, whatever. Um, where do you have the rat poison?
--K-mart, East 8th Street
Overheard by: Aerialist
The Acting's a Real Killer
Guy: I looked for that Sopranos DVD set in the section you told me to, but it wasn't there.
Store guy: Well, the computer says it's in stock. But that's one of our most shoplifted items.
--Borders, Time Warner Center
Poe Write a Story About This Once
Store lady: What is your name sir?
Man: Bill [N-y-b-a-k-k-e-n.]
Store lady: Well, who is William?
Man: Bill is short for William.
Store lady: Bill is short for William, sure...
Manager guy: Yes, yes it is.
Store lady: Have a nice day.
Man: Unfuckingbelievable!
--Verizon, Wall Street
Harps Require Too Much Manual Dexterity
King of single line drawings: Can you make me some copies of these drawings? I am the king of single line drawings.
Copy guy #1: How many do you want?
King of single line drawings: What's your favorite musical instrument? I'll make you one right now on the spot. How about that?
Copy guy #1: Piano.
King of single line drawings: ...And here you are. What's your favorite instrument?
Copy guy #2: Saxophone.
King of single line drawings: ...And here you are. Hey, you back there! What's your favorite instrument?
Copy girl: A harp!
King of single line drawings: Oh...anything but a harp!
--Village Copier, 111th & Broadway
It's Vampires Who Need Invites, Not People
Man: Can I see the takeout menu, please?
Counter guy: Do you want to stay?
--George's Lunch, Greenwich Street
They're Hiring Cicadas at K-mart Now
Clerk guy #1: Dude, we should go there on my birthday.
Clerk guy #2: Man, your birthday ain't for like ten years.
--K-mart, E. 8th Street
What Are You, A Polar Bear?
Lady: Oh, Coca-Cola! I guess you don't have gastrointeritis!
Girl: Uh, actually I was going to use it to cook.
Checkout guy: Yeah, you can cook with Coke. You don't have to just drink it.
--Jefferson Market, 6th Avenue
Overheard by: Nicole J
That Amazing 21st Century Technology
Clerk lady #1: There's no price on this, no bar code. I can't sell it.
Clerk lady #2: Hold on, just call accessories.
Clerk lady #1: How do I do that?
Clerk lady #2: Accessories!
--Century 21, Cortlandt Street
Death is a Kind of Power
Doorman: Out for your morning power walk?
Old woman: Power walk? I'd fucking drop dead before I got to the corner.
--55th between 5th & 6th
Certifiable Mail Guarantees Insanity for $1 More
Mailman: I'm sorry sir, but I don't know where this package is. It was undeliverable. It is not here.
Human man: I know. This is the third time I've been down here. So what do you want me to do?
Mailman: Sir?
Human man: What do you want me to do? Give up, keep coming back?
Mailman: Yes.
Human man: What? Give up?
Mailman: Yes.
Human man: You're serious?
Mailman: Yes.
--Post office, 34th & Lexington
Overheard by: Fish
This is What Happens When You Ban Queer Scouts
Man with briefcase: Is the boss in?
Store guy: No. He's in back. What do you want? Why?
Man with briefcase: Because I can help you. You need me. Does anyone owe you money?
Store guy: What?
Man with briefcase: Do you have any non-paying accounts? Has anyone been skipping payments?
Store guy: Why?
Man with briefcase: Because I run a collection service. Here's my card. Does anyone owe you money? Do you need to collect money from anyone?
Store guy: Why?
--Import/export store, 29th & 6th
Now Try to Explain Cell Phones vs. Cordless
Cell phone chick: So if you upgrade to this new plan for $10 more a month, we'll give you a totally free phone. $0, free of charge. All you have to do is mail in a $50 rebate form.
Woman: Wait, I thought it was free.
Cell phone chick: It is, you just pay me $50, and then send in the rebate form and they'll mail you a $50 check.
Woman: Wait, but it's not free? My husband will kill me if I spend
money on a new phone. What's 50 minus 50?...I went to Syracuse University, I'm a college educated person, and I'm still confused. Is it free?
--Verizon, 34th between Broadway & 7th
Overheard by: Jordan the Intern
Wednesday One-liners Provide No Easy Answer
Dork: Yeah, but he can spend all that money and gross like a billion dollars, but it's totally gonna fuck up his legacy, man. Like that guy who was playing when Mozart was around, you know? Whatever happened to that guy?
--Diner, Astoria
Man: How could you do that to me on my birthday month?
--5th between 19th & 20th
Overheard by: Marci Kaufman
Girl: When you look at a little person, don't you just want to pick them up?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Melissa Wechsler
Art Store guy: ...the Army was really persistent. They said, "Oh, we always need artists in the Army." And I'm like, "No, you fucking don't! What am I gonna do, paint with the enemy's blood?".
--New York Central Art Supply, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: tourist girl
Lady: Excuse me, is this train going uptown or downtown?
--L train platform, Union Square station
Overheard by: Brenna Sinnott
It's Not Literally Iceberg Lettuce
Receptionist: You're looking good lately. Healthy.
UPS guy: Thanks, I've been trying to only drink liquids. You know, water, a salad once in a while.
--Borough Park
Overheard by: Vicki
They Have Living History in the Dispenser
Lady in stall #1: So, you want to look for that book you wanted?
Lady in stall #2: We are in the bathroom!
Lady in stall #1: It's a bookstore bathroom.
Saleslady in stall #3: Which book are you looking for?
Lady in stall #2: The one by Tupac Shakur.
Saleslady in stall #3: We have it in the Media aisle.
--Barnes & Noble, 22nd & 6th
Not Everything, Mr. Foer. Not Everything.
Girl: I'm looking for a name of book that has the word "eliminate" in it.
Store guy: Okay. Let me see. Hmm...It doesn't look like anything came up in the search.
Girl: I know that's the word! I know it is. I really need this book!
Store guy: Okay. I'll try and search again.
Girl: It's "eliminate" with an I, not an E.
Store guy: Oh, you mean illuminate?
--Barnes & Noble, 82nd & Broadway
Overheard by: christina rusnak
It's Even Funnier If They Had
Doorman: Where is the building you're looking for?
Lady: It's on 40th.
Doorman: 40th and what?
Lady: I'm almost positive they said between Sixth and Avenue of the Americas.
--40th between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: conor hogan
He's a Referee, Not an Umpire
Dude: Do you have baseball cleats?
Store guy: What?
Dude: Baseball cleats.
Store guy: What are those?
Dude: Shoes that you play baseball in, they have spikes on the bottom...do you carry any?
Store guy: No, I don't think so.
--Foot Locker, 34th & 6th
Overheard by: Adam Hill
GOD BLESS AMERICA
Chick: Ugh! These aren't even cold! I can't believe this! Who's the manager? I said, who's the manager? Well, where is he?
Deli guy: Uh, over there.
Chick: Look! Look at these drinks! How do you expect me to drink these? They aren't even cold!
Manager guy: We just put them in there.
Chick: I don't care! I want a cold drink now!
Manager guy: I'm sorry you're upset but it's very hot today and we're selling drinks faster than we can restock them.
Chick: I don't care! I expect you to find me something cold to drink!
--Marche Madison, 74th & Madison
Overheard by: sarahg
Chick on cell: So, when are you going to watch the fireworks? Like, in the evening?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Andy Travis
Someone Just Failed the Turing Test
Woman: Hi.
Cashier lady: Huh?
Lady: Hi.
Cashier lady: Oh.
The cashier finishes checking the lady out.
Lady: Thanks.
Cashier lady: Huh?
Lady: Never mind.
--Fine Fare, Clinton Street
Overheard by: Heather
My Guess? Lonely Man Mails Self Open Parcel
Guy: Why is that package open?
Clerk: I can't open it.
Guy: It's already opened, why is it open?
Clerk: Sir, I'm not allowed to open it. If you want it, sign the card.
Guy: I want to know why it's open, is anything in it?
Clerk: I can't open it.
3 minutes of this ensue.
Guy: Just give me the stupid package.
Clerk: Why are you still talking?
--Sunnyside post office
If There Were, That Would Be a Great School Trip
Lady: I'm looking for non-leather shoes.
Saleswoman: Why non-leather?
Lady: I'm vegan. I don't wear any animal products.
Saleswoman: Well, they don't kill the cows to get the leather.
Lady: Where do you think they get the leather from? Do you think there's a bunch of skinless cows roaming a farm somewhere?
--Forest Hills shoe store
Overheard by: MG
It Distracts From the Sweet, Sweet Bouquet of Feet
Macy's clerk: Dude, don't do that...Dude, I bent down and you fuckin' farted. Don't do that.
Customer: ...I didn't.
Macy's clerk: Bro, you fuckin' farted in my face when I bent down, I don't want to smell that in here!
--Macy's men's shoes department
Overheard by: Chris Noland
Most Children Are
Intellectual: I can't believe some adults enjoy reading those Harry Potter books; they're just awful.
Book vendor: Maybe some of them are still children.
Intellectual: I think some of them are psychopaths.
--W. 4th & Greene
Overheard by: Brian Lang
It's Short for Wigfield
Duane Reade cashier: Hey! Hey, security! What's your name?
Duane Reade security: Huh?
Dunae Reade cashier: Your name, fool! What's your name?
Duane Reade security: Wiggy.
Duane Reade cashier: What?
Duane Reade security: Wiggy. W-I-G-G-Y. That's not my government name though.
--Duane Reade, Broadway & Canal
Overheard by: K. Thor Jensen
He's a Little Too Chubby for Me
Chinese guy: Excuse me, I think I dropped my wallet in this store. Did you guys happen to see a wallet anywhere in here?
Clerk: I'm sorry sir, we are good Buddhist people, and we good Buddhist people are always moral, and we would never do such a thing as stealing your wallet.
Chinese guy: I never said you stole my wallet, I just asked if you've seen my wallet.
Clerk: Goodbye, please come again. Next on line!
Chinese guy: Go fuck Buddha!
Translated from the Chinese.
--Flushing store
Overheard by: Ting
"I'll also take some chardonnay. Here's my prescription."
Customer: Excuse me, can I ask you a question?
Wine guy: Sure.
Customer: Do you eat this cheese, or do you put it on food?
Wine guy: What?
Customer: Do you eat this cheese, or do you put it on food?
Wine guy: Like...are you asking if it can be eaten by itself?
Customer: Yeah.
--93rd & Broadway liquor store
The Wizened and Wise Diet
The cashier scans an old lady's ricotta cheese.
Cashier: Why didn't you get the bigger one?
Old Lady: 'Cause I'll eat it all! This way I have a limit.
--Waldbaum's, Bensonhurst
When Bad Jokes Come to Life
Coffee Barista: Would you like to try our new egg nog latte?
Dwarf: No thanks, I just want a tall coffee.
--Starbucks, UWS
I Need Some Flipflops for the Next Blizzard
Shopper: Will you have spring shoes out next week?
Saleslady: What?
Shopper: Spring shoes! Next week?
Saleslady: Spring?
Shopper: Yeah, downstairs they told me you always have the next season's shoes out one season ahead.
Saleslady: Spring?
Shopper: Yes! Spring! Next week!
--Macy's
Overheard by: Roxy Chanel McPink
More Bookstore Fun
Woman: Excuse me, where are the literary journals?
B&N Guy: Them's over there.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Down's Decimal System
Chick: I'm looking for a book on wars.
Librarian: Okay. Anything in particular?
Chick: Oh, you know. Just whatever.
--NY Science Library
Stupid-size Me
Man: ...and three plain cheeseburgers.
Cashier: Plain? Does that mean you want those with cheese, or not?
--McDonald's, St. Mark's Place
We Do Have Some Synonyms in Stock...
Old Coot: String beans.
Employee: How about green beans?
Old Coot: No, string beans!
Employee: I don't see them!
Old Coot: You'll find it.
Employee: You have to get string beans, you can't get regular beans?
--Waldbaum's, Bensonhurst
Warning: Cross-dressing has been found to cause cancer in laboratory animals
Customer: I'm looking for a book. The computer said it was in stock when I was here before but it wasn't on the shelf. Can you check to see if it's saying that it's still in stock?
Clerk: Sure.
Customer: It's called Drag Diaries.
Clerk: Yeah, it's saying that there's one in stock but we sold a copy in May. That might be the one we're showing as still in stock.
Customer: Right.
Clerk: It would be in gay studies. You can check again.
Customer: Then do you have anything on crystal healing?
--The Strand
But I Want Emphysema Now
Cashier: Here's your change. Have a good day.
Smoker: Matches.
Cashier: There's no matches left, sorry.
Smoker: No matches? Without matches it's not worth it.
--Rite-Aid, Bensonhurst
But It's Covered in Bugs
Clerk: Sir, please check your bag.
Customer #1: The money's in the bag. If you take the bag, I won't spend the money.
Customer #2: Here's my ticket. But I want that bag.
--Forbidden Planet
But you're in a 99-Cent Store
Cashier in Jack's 99 Cent store: Here's your change, 62-cents
Woman: But I just gave you $62, and since everything here costs $1, how come you're giving me 62 cents back?
Cashier: Everything here is 99-cents
Woman: Really?
Cashier: Yeah
-- Jack's 99-Cent Store, Midtown
Brooklyn Ballbusters
Deli guy (to another deli guy): He's got a shrimp salad sandwich too. Here, I'll mark the paper for you so you don't get confused. I know your brain, it don't work so good. Do you want me to write it in Mexican or in English?
Yes, We Sell Parrots
Customer: So what do I feed it?
Manager: Give it crickets, 2 or 3 times a week.
Employee: You've got to feed it crickets 2 or 3 times a week.
Manager: Otherwise it takes greens and fruit.
Employee: Or greens and fruit.
Customer: What kind of greens?
Manager: Lettuce.
Customer: Regular lettuce or romaine?
Manager: Romaine.
Employee: It needs romaine.
Manager: Kale, chard.
Employee: Kale, chard.
Manager: Anything leafy and green it'll eat.
Employee: Anything leafy and green.
Customer: So it's OK if I leave it for a weekend or a week?
Manager: Yeah, just throw some lettuce in there with it before you go.
Employee: You got that?
--Petland Discounts, Bensonhurst
I Only Date Action Figures
Where: Time Square Toys R Us
Cashier: May I have your phone number, starting with the area code, please?
Customer: You're not my type.
