Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Conductors All Categories > People > Conductors
Recent | Best Of
Or Trains at All! Why Go On?
Conductor: There will be no Seven Train service today.
Hardhat: Good. After the Mets lose, we don't need the fucking Seven Train!
--6 train
Overheard by: phenders
Unassailable Logic: A NYC Short Story
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, our train cannot proceed because of the passenger on the tracks.
Young black dude: If he is on the tracks, he is not a passenger. Let's go!
--N train
Overheard by: Julia
I Guess I Should Get Back to the Wheel, Then
Conductor: Does this train stop in Jamaica?
Passenger: Uh, yes.
Conductor: Oh. Good.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Pasty
Wednesday One-Liners, the Shepherds of New York
Conductor: This is the last stop -- Brooklyn Bridge, City Hall. Y'all have a nice day and be good, now... But if you can't be good, be baaad.
--6 train
Overheard by: Paul Schroeder
Conductor: Good morning, everybody. This is your 7:15 New Haven train, express to Greenwich. To infinity, and beyond!
--Connecticut-bound Metro-North train
MTA worker: This station is now closed. No train is coming here. You all have to get out of here!
--8th St N/Q/R/W station
Overheard by: bKSquared+AV
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please remember that every car of this train has four doors, so 27 people in front of one door -- well, it is not scholarship material. Let's use our brains, people. Then you won't have to bump your guns and complain that the A is never on time.
--A train, 96th St
Overheard by: Emily B.
Conductor: Attention passengers, the last two cars will not platform at Bellerose, either. That means if the doors didn't open for you at the last station, they won't open at Bellerose, either, so stop standing looking confused, and walk forward!
--Hempstead-bound LIRR
Overheard by: Nathalie
Conductor: For those of you standing in the first five cars, the back three cars are almost empty. Come sit down! I'm lonely back here.
--Metro-North
Conductor: And now... the mass exodus!
--F train
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
He Also Predicted We'd Find WMDs in Iraq
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please bear with us, as we are experiencing delays due to train traffic up ahead.
Crazy guy: I knew that! I could've told you that! [Burps loudly.] I told you that!
--F train, 75th St, Forest Hills
Overheard by: trench coat commuter
If It's a Mugging, You're in Luck!
Conductor: You know what stop this is?
Alabaster college prep: Harlem?
Conductor: Mmm-hm... Hope you find what you're looking for, son.
--125th St station, Harlem
Hopefully Not Someone Too Chunky
Passenger, after 30 minutes of delay: What do you suppose is going on up there?
Conductor, matter-of-factly: Someone is splattered all over the tracks for sure.
--Grand Central-bound Metro-North
Call Me If You Need a Spokeshobo
Conductor: This train will be going express to 137th Street. The next stop on this train will be 137th Street.
Hobo: 137th Street! And if you don't like it, buy your own train!
--1 train
Overheard by: EthanK
Cover Me, I'm Goin' in
Conductor, angrily: Stand clear of the closing doors!
Passenger: She need to get laid.
--F train
Overheard by: i do too
Wednesday One-Liners Run This City
Conductor: Attention! You've boarded the ghetto express. Next stop, Deep Ghetto. If you're trying to go to any of the Ghetto Light areas, please transfer at this stop for the Ghetto Local. Thank you!
--5 train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Silvy
Conductor: This is Fifth Avenue. Transfer here for... Aw, hell, there ain't no transfer here. Get in the damn train.
--E train from JFK, around 5th Ave
Overheard by: ntrprnr
Conductor: Okay everyone, we're going to evacuate the train now. Just stay calm. This isn't the Titanic. I repeat, this is not the Titanic.
--Acela, to NYC
Overheard by: The Titanic was on-time
Conductor: Board the train so the doors can close. [Girls slowly shuffle around doors.] You must physically board the train to ride. The platform does not move.
--LIRR
Overheard by: NCtransplantGirl
Conductor, very politely: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand clear of the closing doors so this train can leave the station. Thank you. [Later, not as politely] Sir, maybe the fact that you have to hold on to the outside of the car to stay inside is a sign that you should wait for the next train!
--Crowded Bronx-bound 6 train
Overheard by: Chris
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I don't really care if we pull up to the station and your car door doesn't open. If you don't listen, I don't really care. Not my problem anymore, folks! I said it once and I ain't saying it again!
--LIRR, Jamaica station
Overheard by: commuter
Conductor: Y'all, these suckahs gon' be on this train for hours!
--1 train
God That Felt Good. I'm Shivering Here
Conductor over loud speaker: In case you didn't stop to look at what train this is, listen up, because I'm telling you now. This is the C Train. This train will be running express from here to Canal Street. I repeat: This train is running express from here to Canal Street. If you need to get to a local stop in between, you must go to 14th Street and take the C uptown. Uptown trains are stopping at all stations. Next stop: 42nd Street.
Teen girl, as train approaches 42nd: Excuse me, is this train stopping at 23rd Street?
Conductor: You didn't listen to the announcement at all, did you?
Teen girl: No.
Conductor: Then I'm not telling.
--C train, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: i love a tube with tude
Remember, Lying Sacks of Shit Work in Every Occupation
Conductor: Attention, passengers, this J Train is now going express to Myrtle. You hear me? Express. Express! There is a local train right behind this one. This train is going express! [Mob of angry passengers exits train.] Psych! This is a local J Train to Manhattan. Next stop: Chauncey. Please enjoy the leg room brought to you by the New York City MTA.
--Broadway Junction Station, Brooklyn
Overheard by: JRider
I'll Be Late for Pilates!
Conductor: Due to train traffic ahead, this train will be going local to Roosevelt. Local to Roosevelt.
Three-year-old kid: Fuck!
--F train
Overheard by: Big J
More Improvisational Theater from the Good People at the MTA
Italian conductor over loudspeaker: Everyone, get the fuck away from the doors and get on this fucking train. Every fucking day the same shit. You're only hurting yourselves, morons! Fucking inconsiderate assholes. You either get on or get the fuck off!
Conductor #2: Mike, man, come on.
Italian conductor: Fuck this, man. We're going express!
--7 train, Junction Blvd
Conductor, Direct Thyself
Male conductor over the speakers: This is the express train! Next stop: Roosevelt Avenue.
Female conductor over the speakers: Shit, this is the express?!
--E train, Queens Plaza station
Oh, Wait, It's Mine
Conductor: The train is crowded. Please -- arms, legs, bags, coats, hats, scarves -- pull them in. I cannot close the doors.
Dude: You know it's someone's ass...
--1 train
Overheard by: wasn't my ass
Nothing Like a Public Existential Crisis
Conductor #1, over PA: This train will make all express stops to Stillwell Avenue.
Conductor #2, over PA: What does that mean?
--Coney Island-bound F train, 4th Ave
Overheard by: I know I'm getting off at 7th Ave., and I don't even work for MTA!
Black on Black Bureaucracy
Angry black lady: That asshole conductor said there is another train coming but did not say when! I need to get to Brooklyn!
Black conductor, trying to calm her down: Why are you screaming at me? I'm just as black as you are!
--2/3 platform, 34th St
Overheard by: Michmeister
Or I Could Revive with Cocaine, Like Casey Over There
Conductor #1: There is a train ahead of us at the station. We'll be moving shortly.
Conductor #2: The D just crossed in front of us. Now there's an A and a D. I'm tired, too. I was out 'til four AM last night. I'm gonna take a nap!
--A train
Overheard by: is this man ok to drive?
You Leave It Where It Is but Secretly Know It Belongs to You Now
Conductor: Due to a stalled train at Lorimer Street, there is no L service to Manhattan.
Hispanic lady: Why would someone stole a train? Where they gonna put it?
--M train
Wednesday One-Liners Are One of the Properties of a Metal
Conductor: While you are waiting for trains, please do not sit on the edge of the platform. Not only could you loose your legs, but you could delay your fellow passengers.
--Long Beach-bound LIRR
Overheard by: Matt P.
Conductor: The next stop is North White Plains, and everyone needs to get off there because the train will be aborted to the train yard. Yes, the train yard... And you don't want to be at the train yard. It is a dark and lonely place...
--Metro-North
Conductor: This is the Six local train. Next stop is 42nd, Grand Central. And remember, folks, if you're having a bad day, don't try to have a good one. That's just impossible. Next stop, 42nd.
--6 train
Overheard by: freckles
Conductor: Once again, ladies and gentlemen, today is July 31st. November monthly tickets are no longer valid on this train.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Does that mean I can use my December ticket?
Conductor: This is the voice of your conductor. Remember, only I can move the train. [Pauses while train begins moving, then] See? Just like that.
--A train
Overheard by: McF.
Conductor: I wish you would stop sticking your head out through the doors. If you want to be the conductor, take the test. Then you can stick your head out all you damn well please.
--7 train, Queensboro Plaza
Overheard by: ProcrastYNate
Conductor: This is the Q local. An express train is right across the platform. [Doors close] Wave goodbye!
--Q train
Overheard by: Zvi
No One Cares about Its Personality
Conductor: Due to an incident, the L train is now running at a slower speed.
Chick, to friend: You see?! You see?! It's always a body with the L train. With the L train it's always a body.
--L train, 6th Ave
Overheard by: Hannah
Wednesday One-Liners on the Disoriented Express
Conductor at Van Wyck: This is... not Jamaica. [Quietly] Where the hell is he going?
--Manhattan-bound E train
Overheard by: Julie
Conductor: This is 71st, Continental Avenue. Transfer here for the E. This is the E Train to 180... This is the E Train to 170... This is the F... This is the... Oh, whatever. Just stand clear of the fucking doors.
--Most definitely the F train
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
Conductor: This is an express F Train to Stillwell Avenue. What does that mean? I don't know. What are the express stops?
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Overheard by: Pam
Conductor: This is a Manhattan-bound One Train. Next stop, 42nd Street. I mean, 34th Street... Shit... Next stop, 14th Street, Union Square!
--L train, Morgan Ave
Overheard by: erin b
Conductor: Captain, we've lost power -- we have no lights. If you would like to look at people or read, please move. If you do not wish to look at anyone or let anyone look at you, just stay put. This is the train to Babylon. I do not know what the next stop is.
--LIRR
Overheard by: scared passenger
Conductor: The Queens-bound N Train will be arriving on the platform downstairs. [It pulls into the station across from the platform.] I take that back.
--7 train, Queensboro Plaza
Overheard by: Melissa Berry
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a downtown... [long pause]... Whatever. Stand clear of the edge.
--6 platform, Union Square
Overheard by: Johnny
I Feel I Have Earned These Seats
Conductor: Please sit up.
Bag lady lying across several seats, staring at lights: Why won't everyone leave me alone? [Begins loud, incoherent screaming.]
Conductor, backing away slowly: Okay, never mind.
Bag lady, to passenger: So, I tied him up. I gave him a Viagra, and I rode him for seven hours. And that's why I look like this.
--A train
Overheard by: Urban Cowboy
How Wily Odysseus Escaped the Island of Calypso
Conductor on PA: Excuse me, ma'am, maybe it would work better if you went to the next door -- it's less crowded. [Lady walks to next door, but before she gets there the conductor closes them.] Haha, bitch! Toot, toot!
--Crowded 2 train
Overheard by: CeLia
Did You, Like, Miss a Meeting?
Man in nearly empty train: There's an unclaimed bag back there on a seat.
Conductor: Huh?
Man: There's a bag back there that no one is claiming, and I thought you should know.
Conductor: No... I think it must belong to somebody.
--Harlem line, Metro-North
Overheard by: getting off the next stop
Wednesday One-Liners Get an "A" in Conduct
Conductor: This is the 2:40 local train to Babylon. For those of you who have not passed out, this train makes all local stops. For those of you who have passed out... I'll see you in Babylon...
--LIRR train leaving Penn Station
Overheard by: Bill Reese
Conductor: The next stop is Harlem, 125th. Then we're off to Grand Central Terminal. Write it down, you passengers, write it down.
--Metro-North
Sarcastic, monotone conductor: This is a D train to Manhattan... apparently. [Later] Woo-hoo. Finally, 36th Street.
--D train
Overheard by: i don't like that dude
Conductor: This is Carroll Street. If you transfer to the uptown F or G train here, there are less stairs, but there is a nice breeze at Smith and Ninth Street.
--F train
Overheard by: Eileen
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held here because the drawbridge is in the open position, and I don't think I know how to swim.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: mark
Conductor: This train goes straight to Newark-Penn Station. Newark, the pride of the Passaic river!
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Care
Conductor: For those of you that are interested, Penn Station is next. For those that aren't, it still is.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Xavier
I'm a Quid Pro Quo Volunteer
Conductor: Yo, you gotta get off here -- he doesn't get to ride for free.
Drunk fireman in uniform: Oh, yeah? Well, I hope your house burns down with you in it, and nope -- I won't save you!
--LIRR
We Only Regret Having to Reach Our Destination
Woman #1: What the fuck are you pushing me for? You think you own this damn train, get the fuck off of me!
Man: Miss, I was just...
Woman #1: Just fucking what? I don't need to be feeling your ass up against my hands, nigga!
Woman #2: Honey, just...
Woman #1: Bitch, you just shut up! All you motherfuckers, stop looking this way, this doesn't involve y'all!
Conductor over PA: Good afternoon, I hope everyone is having an enjoyable ride home...
--Downtown 4 train, pm rush hour
Overheard by: Vinnie
Oh! The Fucking Places You'll Go!
Conductor: Everything's running normal this weekend.
Black woman: Everything runnin' normal this weekend? Shit, I could take this train to fuckin'... fuckin' anywhere!
--Q train
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: Marc
Runners-Up:
· "Alice in Wonderland, New York Style" - Anastasia Poushkareva
· "Around the Hood in Eighty Days" - ad neal
· "I Meant My Colon" - I Got Real Mail
· "Just a fuckin' small town girl, livin' in a fuckin' lonely world..." - karaoke queen
· "Transfers available to up your ass and go fuck yourself." - mark manne
· "Why Reading Rainbow and drugs don't mix" - mike
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
They Really Should Have Rehearsed
Intercom hijacker #1 playing rap music: All aboard, all aboard...
Intercom hijacker #2: I wanna give a shout-out to my nigga, Antoine...
Intercom hijacker #1: And my nigga Ruiz...
Conductor: If you do not get off this intercom, I will have you arrested at the next stop!
Intercom hijacker #1: Whatever, nigga. Y'all on this train can suck a dick.
Intercom hijacker #2: Y'all can die.
Intercom hijacker #1: Yeah. Y'all can die... on a dick.
--6 train
Overheard by: pberg
Wednesday One-Liners Will Hold Them Open with a Baby, If Need Be
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we're being delayed, but we will be moving shortly. We're having a door problem -- someone at the front of the train is holding them open.
--3 train, Franklin Ave
Conductor: Get the hell out of the doors... Now! Not when you feel like it! Damn locals.
--2 train
Overheard by: mo love
Conductor: I know you are not holding the doors on my train! I'll kick your ass!
--1 train
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a One train directly behind this train. Please stand clear of the closing doors [repeats this three times]. Alright, if people don't stop holding the doors we gonna put this train out of service and then everyone be on the platform! Is that what you want?!
--2 train
Over the PA: Do not hold the doors. Holding the doors causes delayed service. Delayed service causes late service.
--Shuttle Platform, Grand Central
Conductor: If you do not step away from the doors the train will keep sitting here, you will not get where you are going, and I will still get paid.
--S train
And It Looks Remarkably Like Century 21
Conductor: World Trade Center-bound E train. Next stop -- Seventh Avenue.
Teen #1: We have to get off.
Teen #2: Huh... They built the World Trade Center again! Whoa.
--E train
I Had a J in Jamaica Once, Dude
Conductor #1: This is a J train all the way to Coney Island. Stand clear of the closing doors.
Conductor #2: What?
Conductor #1: What?
Conductor #2: Dude.
Conductor #1: J train to Jamaica!
Conductor #2: Dude.
--Jamaica-bound J train
Overheard by: bdogg
Uptown Wednesday One-Liners
Man: Well, at least if you get deported you'd get to go somewhere exotic. If I get deported I go back to the Bronx...
--Barnard College
Conductor, as rap music blares through speakers: Yo, this is a shout-out to all my niggas keepin' it real on the 1 train. Takin' the 1 to the Bronx at four a.m. -- that's gangsta, son!
--Bronx -bound 1 train
Female employee: I'm so annoyed... so annoyed. This morning there was a dead body near the Bronx train station. It made me late for work. The train was sooo crowded. I hate that! I hate when we are all packed in the train like sardines!
--Fox News Channel newsroom
Chick: He's either retarded... or from the Bronx.
--Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: mokee
Wednesday One-Liners Call Their Bookies
Man on cell: Okay, so do we want to make a girl or a boy tonight? 'Cause if we want to make a boy I have to go get my football gear out of my mom's attic. Do I actually have to hold the football the whole time or just for a little bit?
--34th & 2nd
Dude: You know what? I'm just going to drop out of college and play baseball, 'cause I've always wanted to play for the NBA!
--SJU baseball field
Overheard by: rach boogie
Hipster: If baseball was a person, you would be racist.
--L train
Overheard by: Aidan
Man: I have reffed more basketball games this season than you have underpants.
--55th & 7th
Overheard by: Caroline
Conductor: This is Willets Point-Shea Stadium... Home of, y'know, that other team.
--Flushing-bound 7 train
Young child at end of show: Is it halftime yet?
--Radio City Music Hall
Overheard by: amused tourist
Wednesday One-Liners Make All Stops
Conductor: Welcome to another day on the N train, ladies and gentlemen. If you will look out the window to your right you will see absolutely nothing!
--N train
Conductor on speaker: Kings Highway?! Why's it gotta be Kings Highway?
--B train, Kings Highway station
Overheard by: I feel his pain
Lady conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. If you need to get to 28th Street, 23rd Street, or 18th Street, well, you're screwed.
--1 train, 34th St
Overheard by: Nettle
Conductor: There's another train right behind us. There really is. I can see the lights. It could be a bus, but we are in a tunnel underground with tracks running through it, so I'm sure there is another F train behind us.
--F train
Overheard by: I can see the light too
Conductor: Please take small children as you exit the train... Oh... I mean, please take small children by the hand as you leave the train.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Cheerful conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no downtown 2 train, but luckily we're going uptown, so it doesn't matter.
--2 train
Overheard by: andy kleiman
Conductor: We're not the NYPD or the FDNY, New York's finest and bravest. Above or below ground, we're the MTA, and we move New York. Ya heard?!
--A train, between 125th & 59th St
Hope That Guy in the Middle Doesn't Puke
Conductor: You can get off and switch trains if this one is too crowded. There is an empty train right behind us.
Thug to friend: Why should I believe that guy? He just wants us to get off this damn train.
Conductor: But I guess none of you people gonna believe me.
--1 train
Overheard by: sgeness
But Now I'm Thinking It Would Be Funny If We Suspended Service
Woman on platform as crowded rush hour train packs full: Is there going to be another train after this one?
Conductor, closing the doors on people: I sure hope so, stupid.
--59th & Lex
Overheard by: Queemys Mommy
Another Subway Kidnapping
Conductor: This is a downtown C train making all stops. Spring Street, World Trade Center, we go there. We do all the stops. Get on this train! [Pause.] Hey, you, still on the platform -- did you not hear what I said? Why didn't you get on?
Man: I'm waiting for the A.
Conductor: I'm going wherever the A's going. Get on my train!
--C train
MTA: Select Trains Will Now Feature Relationship Counselors
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
--1 train, 14th St station
Overheard by: Next stop was Houston
Wednesday One-Liners Won't Remember This Tomorrow
Little girl on dad's shoulders: Hmmm. Beer. I'm not really a fan of that anymore.
--Outside MSG
Overheard by: eric p
Guy on cell: Dude, I'm sayin', it's like every single time we have sex she is drunk! Sooo drunk... [Sighs.]
--Canal St
20-something chick on cell: Well, they do say alcohol solves problems...
--Houston & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Chris
NJ transit conductor: We are now approaching New York Penn Station. If you are traveling with any small children, the elderly, or drunk people, please escort them off of the train -- maybe by the hand -- because there is a wide gap between the train and the platform.
--Penn Station
Mom to wobbling little girl: Are you a drunken sailor? Drunken sailor, yay!
--Liberty St & South End Ave
Overheard by: julia
British girl to two friends: ... And I knew he was drunk that night because he fell over.
--R train from Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mark