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'Til Death Do Us Part... Well, for Three Days, Anyway
Hardhat #1: Paddy, you're Irish Catholic, right?
Hardhat #2: Yeah.
Passerby: Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene.
Hardhat #2: Shut you fuckin' mouth! I will believe that crock of shit when you show me a marriage certificate.
--Broad St
Or Trains at All! Why Go On?
Conductor: There will be no Seven Train service today.
Hardhat: Good. After the Mets lose, we don't need the fucking Seven Train!
--6 train
Overheard by: phenders
Caution: Wednesday One-Liners at Work
Hardhat: Walk in the walkway, people! It's much safer! Watch out for the cabs! They hurt!
--Broadway & Fulton
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Chunky Mexican hardhat: I might not have a million dollars, but I got a big fat dick to put in her ass.
--St. Patrick's Cathedral
Hardhat: Awright, look -- after lunch, I'll get you a grinder, and then we're having a three-way, okay?
--Barnard College
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Hardhat on cell: So, when you say you want to cheat, do you mean a one-time thing, or is this something you plan on doing again and again?
--14th St, between 6th & 7th Ave
Hardhat to another: Bitch, please! I asked for a pink soda! I'm not going to drink this shit!
--10th & 3rd
Overheard by: Veronika LaRocque
A Little-Known Coda to the "Green Means Horny" Clause
Hardhat #1: Brown?! You think the color brown is gay?
Hardhat #2: Well, maybe... I mean, maybe not, but yellow -- yellow is gay.
Hardhat #1: You're wearing brown. I'm wearing brown.
Hardhat #2: I meant yellow. Yellow is so gay.
--Washington & Bank St
You're a Good Guy, but You Can't Compete with Pussy
Hardhat #1: I can't!
Hardhat #2: How come?
Hardhat #1: I gotta go home.
Hardhat #2: Why?
Hardhat #1: It's Thursday. I get fucked on Thursday.
--13th & Ave A
I Had to Block My Wife, Though
Hardhat #1: Did you check out my wall lately?
Hardhat #2: Uh, no.
Hardhat #1: Dude! You should! That chick I was telling you about, she wrote all over it.
Hardhat #2: No shit!
Hardhat #1: Things I can't even repeat to you.
Hardhat #2: Awww, man, right on! I will log on tonight.
Hardhat #1: Facebook is awesome.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: zed
But I'm Looking for Barnes & Noble
Hardhat: Sir, what are you looking for?
Guy: There's a store on this street that sells toupées for old ladies' cunts.
--E 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Cassie
So Run If You See a VW Beetle
Hardhat #1 with pavement-smoothing machine: It won't start.
Hardhat #2: I tell ya, if it's got tits or wheels, it's gonna give ya problems.
--75th & 3rd
Overheard by: Mo
Wednesday One-Liners Look Busy When the Foreman Comes Around
Hardhat: Sometimes I like pissing on the sawdust floor and seeing the dust come right back up in the air.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: TVontheFritz
Black hardhat to hot chick: Will you be my screensaver?
--19th & 6th
Overheard by: Philip
Hardhat: This whole street smells like panties!
--43rd & 8th
Big hardhat, after bumped by lady: Yo, I'm tryin' to be Italian over here!
--64th & 1st
Overheard by: Rich Templeton
Wait, What's Like That?
Hardhat #1: It's like them women who hang themselves by the titties from raven claws, you know?
Hardhat #2: No, I don't know.
--Chelsea Market
Overheard by: Tom
You Know, All That Makes about As Much Sense As the Trinity
Hardhat #1: Hera.
Hardhat #2: Hera?
Hardhat #3: Yeah, you know, his wife.
Hardhat #2: Well, I know she was Zeus's wife, but who was Chronos's wife?
Hardhat #1: I don't know.
Hardhat #3: Maybe he didn't have a wife.
--7th & Ave B
Overheard by: Rhea
Wednesday One-Liners Carry a Union Card
Hardhat to passerby: Does this building look crooked to you?
--Construction site, 12th & 4th
Overheard by: Random Passerby
Hardhat to another: You're everybody's bitch, you just haven't accepted it yet.
--PATH escalators, World Trade Center station
Overheard by: archly
Hardhat to coworkers: I'm not a monster!
--35th & Madison
Hardhat, belching loudly: There! Whaddya think of that, ya fuckin' A-wipe?!
--Midtown
Hardhat to circle of coworkers: So, you got the sperm over here...
--Center Blvd, Long Island City
Overheard by: Sabrina
What? My Long Line Jokes Kill at Caroline's
Construction guy: Can't we move this line a little faster? This line isn't moving anywhere. What's with this line?
Lady: Here, you can go ahead of me.
Construction guy: I'm using humor, lady. This is just humor. I'm not serious here. [Gets in front of her in line.]
--4th St
Overheard by: the girl who fainted at Starbucks
Very Good -- Would You Like an Animal Cracker?
Hot mom to kid while walking past construction site: That's called rebar. Can you say 'rebar'?
Hardhat: Rebar!
--86th & 3rd
Overheard by: hbomb
Yeah, but I Like to Leave Work at Work
Hardhat #1: I tell you what, I'm going to need a fucking beer tonight.
Hardhat #2: ... You just had one.
--6th Ave
Dude, We're Not Relatives
Large maintenance man #1: Yo, you remember your little girl you left a while back?
Large maintenance man #2: Fuck, man, why you gotta bring that up?
Large maintenance man #1: I think I fucked her last night.
Large maintenance man #2: How the hell would you know that?
Large maintenance man #1: 'Cause she made that face you make when you lift shit.
--15th St & Union Sq West
Overheard by: margo
Looks Like Two Raccoons Having a Fight in a Burlap Sack
Construction worker #1: It's all saggy.
Construction worker #2: And bouncing and shit.
Construction worker #1: Get a fucking girdle!
--Mercer St & Washington Pl
Overheard by: Renee B.
And Aren't We Not Supposed to Be Operating Heavy Machinery Right Now?
Construction worker #1: Braille really trips me out.
Construction worker #2: I know. Me, too.
Construction worker #1: Do you think they have different fonts?
--21st St & Park Ave
We Have Minimum Harassment Standards, Y'know
Homely chick walks by in black tights and midriff-baring shirt, gut hanging out.
Construction worker #1, wide-eyed: Wow!
Construction worker #2: No! Camel toe!
--57th & 7th
Overheard by: Just going to work
I'm Proud to Be a Wednesday One-Liner
Homeless guy: I got a sore on my left foot! Look at it! That's what comes from being in America!
--Beth Israel Emergency Room, 18th & 1st
Doorman: So I looked her straight in the face and I said, 'Listen, you're in America now.'
--Mandarin Oriental Hotel, Columbus Circle
Yasser Arafat look-alike: If she's naked, don't go in there; I know how these goddamn American girls are.
--Bedford St & W 4th
Overheard by: Birthday Boy
Woman in exaggerated Latin accent: Run, run, American people! Run before you miss the train!
--Uptown 6 train, Wall St station
Overheard by: gay among hardhats
Guy: It's an old American name, like in the Bible.
--A train arriving at 59th St
Overheard by: IanM
Park Avenue woman, upset because cashier didn't have quarters: I have every right to be nasty! I'm an American! I'm a fucking New Yorker!
--23rd & Park
Spanish hipster tourist: Americans are the worst!
--Apple store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Ladies and Gentlemen: The Only Two People in New York with Insurance
Scaffolding: [loud boom]
Girl: Holy shit.
Construction worker #1: Hey, it's OK, don't worry.
Construction worker #2: Yeah, we have insurance!
--81st & 2nd
Overheard by: another girl about to walk under the death tr
Wednesday One-Liners Cross Species Boundaries
Man, to old woman pouring paint thinner into the sewer: You know, you'll kill the alligators like that.
--39th & Lex
Methodone lover: I told him, "If you do that again, I'm gonna sic the alligators on you!"
--Whitehall Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: Steven Lowell
Tourist, kneeling in front of a giant stone head: Help me, Olmec! Where is the shrine of the silver monkey?
--Museum of Natural History
Chelsea boy: Yeah...My God, the boys there were so hot! Their asses were all tight and round...Mmm...like a Chihuahua's.
--19th & 6th
Overheard by: CocteauBoy
5-Year-Old boy, passing the smelly horse carriages on Central Park South: Eww, are there camels around here?
--59th between Broadway & 7th
Overheard by: Carmiya Weinraub
Old man, passing bear sculpture: Bears eat too much.
--American Wing Cafe, the Met
Overheard by: guingel
MTA hardhat: Yeah, for lunch I'll have either the rat on a stick or the pigeon on a stick.
--Bleecker & Lafayette
Overheard by: Brewster
Guy on cell: I just saw a pigeon, and it reminded me of you.
--Houston & Bowery
Overheard by: Jon A.
Commuter: Oh, I've always been into manatees.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Jon
Woman, to child: That's why imagination is really nice. You can imagine that cat you have always wanted, and it's almost like having him for real...even though you never will.
--53rd & Broadway
Animal lover: I never used to like cats. But then I had this dream where this cat, like, told me, "I love you," so I got a cat.
--10th St & 1st Ave
Bus rider: My son's frog jumped up there, and now I can't take a poop.
--Q101 bus
Overheard by: Kaleena
Suit: No, no, it's a woman with a donkey, not two donkeys! Jesus.
--14th St 1 station
Non-Ghetto woman on cell: That's nigga's crazier than a road lizard!
--59th & 7th
Picky girl: You won't believe the pick up line he used. He actually said, "I want to be your beast."
--The Strand, Broadway
Overheard by: Miss Parker
He Was a Blow to Morale
Construction supervisor on cell: No, I didn't know he was gay! That's why I got rid of him. I had to find out the hard way.
--Evergreen Diner, W 46th St
Overheard by: Emilio Lizardo
Work Is the Curse of the Drinking Classes
Construction Worker: Stop pushing me! I just want to drink my beer! [He takes a big sip through a straw.] Ahhh! That hit the spot. Better than any cup of coffee, I tell ya!
--uptown B train at 8:45 am
Overheard by: pants
That's More Like Salad Tongs
Construction guy #1: Yo, when I got home last night, I had a 3 hour nap.
Construction guy #2: Oh yeah? Did you spoon with your boyfriend?
--33rd & 8th
Overheard by: bernadette
You're Right, Though You're Nauseating
Construction guy #1: Yeah apparently, they just eat and eat and eat
until they can't anymore, and then go and throw it all up.
Construction guy #2: Wow, that's what skinny girls do?
Construction guy #1: Yeah, it's called bulimia or something. I think
it's actually a disease.
Construction guy #2: Yeah, but a disease that makes you look good, am I right?
--City College
Overheard by: Barbara Seifert
Trying to Fit In, post-Village People
Construction guy #1: Then we gotta fuckin' knock down that bitch of a fuckin' wall...in this fuckin' humidity, can you fuckin' believe they're makin' us do that shit?
Construction guy #2: I know. That fuckin' shit is fuckin bullshit. We should fuckin' kill the fuckin' captain and shit, makin' us take down a fuckin' wall that we fuckin' put up in the--
Construction guy #1: Ooh! Italian ices!
--57th & 10th
Overheard by: Peter Shankman
He Needs to Call Apex Tech (They Can't Call Him)
Construction guy #1: Next, the idiot tells me she ain't livin' there so it don't matter if I do the job the right way or the wrong way. She just wants it done fast and cheap.
Construction guy #2: So then what'd ya say?
Construction guy #1: I told her, "Lady, I ain't got time to do things wrong. Enough things go wrong just trying to do things right!"
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Mike Jenkins
Yes, the General is Clearly a Wigger
Construction worker #1: Yeah, brotha. That's what I'm talkin' about. That's what you call a "White nigga".
Construction worker #2: You said it. Colin Powell ain't nothin' but George Bush's bitch.
--Hudson & Canal
Overheard by: Auhsoj Semaj
Ground Zero IQ
Tourist wife: What's that area? I haven't seen any space yet!
Tourist husband: Maybe it's a park.
Construction worker: It's the World fucking Trade Center! Give it a rest!
--Church Street
Overheard by: Emily Davidson
No, But It Sure Smells Better
Construction worker: Wow, baby, come over here and sit on my face!
Girl: Why, is your nose bigger than your dick?
--42nd & 6th
Overheard by: Mark T
They Had the Strength of an Ape, and No Remorse
Construction guy #1: I had to hire dis retarded kid, and ya know, I don't know how it's gonna be.
Construction guy #2: Yeah...but hey doh, didn't you ever beat up a retarded kid in school? 'Member how strong dey wuh?
--6 train
Overheard by: Anonymous and Ethan Aronoff
They Prefer the Term "Mole People"
Construction worker #1: Make it look nice for the homeless here!
Construction worker #2: Oh yeah!
--Broadway/Lafayette station
Readers: Answer This Slang Question
Construction Worker: So is Camel Toe the same as Hammer Time?
--Pace University
Overheard by: Lil
Brainy Wednesday One-liners
Construction worker: ...it was like, the biggest skull ever found or
some shit.
--44th & Madison
Teenage girl: I failed the math test so I told Ma I ain't gonna graduate in June. I ain't gotta do anything but stay black and die.
--6 train
