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There Won't Be Any New Exhibits Until Next Month
Cop to loud ghetto kids strutting through train: Excuse me, but you can't be walking through the trains like this.
Ghetto girl: Ex-cuuuse me?
Ghetto boy: Yo, don't be sayin' shit. Let's be out -- I don't wanna go to jail today.
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Not Until You've Finished Driving the Train, Mister!
Lady cop to drunk guy: C'mon, get on the train. You can switch at West Fourth. Get home safe. [Drunk guy tries to grab her arm.] No, I'm not coming with you.
Drunk guy: Come with me!
--F train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Colleen
The Lawyer? Not So Much.
Cop #1, to hobo: You don't have a home, but you have a lawyer.
Cop #2: That's fantastic!
--29th & Lex
Mind If It's Over Your Lifeless Body?
Confused tourist driver, after traffic cop blocks left turn: But I don't know this way. Where am I supposed to turn?
Traffic cop: What the hell do I care? You figure it out!
--Church & Duane
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Also His Answer to "What Is the Meaning of Life?"
Tourist: Excuse me, can I ask you a question? Where's the apple?
Cop: What?
Tourist: You know, the big one? [Cop stares at her, then shrugs and points arbitrarily down Broadway.] Thanks!
--Times Square
Overheard by: I Just Work Here
Hugh Grant Hasn't Worked in a While
Female cop to kissing couple: Get a room!
Guy, looking up: A room?! I can't even afford a blow job!
--Union Square
Overheard by: geneva c.
Thank God for Sequels
Hipster chick: What happened here?
Cop: Everything's alright... Spider-Man saved the day.
--Union Square subway station
Nice Panties
Man sitting down: Your fly is open.
Cop: What?
Man: Your fly is open.
Cop, looking down: Hey, I'm going to the jail and I got my nuts hangin' out! Thanks, man.
Man: Sure, no problem.
--7 train, 46th St, Woodside
Overheard by: Didn't see his nuts...
Got a Match?
Cop #1 to kid holding paper towels to his bleeding head: Lemme see your head, man. [Kid shows him the gash.] Holy shit!
Kid: What the fuck, man?! Aren't you supposed to be comforting me or some shit?!
Cop #1: Sorry! Well, at least you're coherent.
Cop #2: At this point, with that gash, you could light up a joint and I wouldn't tell.
--9th St, between Ave A & B
Overheard by: rpk
Bring Me a Chocolate Glazed and We'll Talk
Blonde tourist: Excuse me, officer. Can you tell me where the nearest liquor store is?
Cop: Hmmm. Don't know. If you asked me where the nearest doughnut shop is, that would make more sense.
Blonde tourist: Um, can I get a picture with you?
--44th & 8th
I'm Reluctant to Say More
Dude: Hi, I'm looking for the World Trade Center.
Cop: Uhhh, yeah... You need to go to Manhattan.
--Ferry Terminal, Staten Island
Overheard by: Ghost Rock It
To Protect and... and.... Damn!
Meek tourist, after spending 10 minutes trying to hail a cab: Can you please help me hail a cab?
Disgruntled cop: Fuck you! Find your own damn cab! Christ!
--Times Square
And They'll Spit Right in Your Eye
Cop #1: What, you can't say, 'Good morning' anymore?
Cop #2: Haha.
Cop #1: I get more fuckin' respect from the sperm in my balls than from you!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Emily
Let Me Apply Some Sunblock
Cop #1: It smells like bacon.
Cop #2: Sorry.
--W 47th St
Are We Going to Search Every Cup? We Are Not
St. Patty's drunk: So, wait... I was told that we aren't allowed to drink in Penn Station today, but all the vendors are selling beer. What's the deal?
Cop: Well, they shouldn't be selling it. If you are caught, you will be ticketed and--
Interrupting cop: --Dude, just put it in a paper cup! Go right there, buy that beer, and ask for that red paper Coke cup. That's all.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Super Mike
Makes Me Question My Masculinity
Cop #1: Whoopie, whoopie, whoopie...
Cop #2: What are you talking about?
Cop #1: You know -- [twirls finger].
Cop #2: No, what the hell are you talking about?
Cop #1: I hear she's a real wild fuck!
Cop #2: Yeah, I just never saw myself working for a woman.
--24-hour diner, 52nd & 8th
Power Corrupts, and Traffic Enforcement Power Corrupts Irrationally
Traffic cop: You can't walk now. Get a clue!
Man: I got a clue -- the 'Walk' sign!
Traffic cop: I don't give a shit what the sign says!
--52nd & 5th
Though Yesterday's Whale Calls Were Quite Impressive
Hobo: Caw! Caw! Tweet! Gobble! Gobble!
Black cop to another: See, man, that's what's happening to our people.
--8th Ave, between 35th & 36th
Overheard by: NRG
And That Was When Fat Albert Went Straight
Five thugs ascending subway steps see cop on the street: Ho! The pigs! Oink! Busted! [They run and one starts breathing heavily, wheezing.]
Cop: Maybe you should have taken the elevator.
Fat thug: Shit! There's an elevator?! Where's the elevator?! [After they all go to look for the elevator] There's no elevator! He tricked us!
--Lorimer St, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners May Begin... Now
NYU student: I feel like the professor didn't scare me enough about the final exam y'know? So then, like, I didn't get nervous enough, so then I didn't study enough, so then I didn't do well on it, y'know? So, like, it's really my professor's fault, y'know?
--Korean deli, 13th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Joseph O'Connell
Cop: Yeah, the open-book exam? I passed it on appeal.
--45th & Broadway
Guy on cell: ... Fucked me, dude. Fucked me hard. Bent me over the desk and rammed a bluebook right up my ass. Sooo fuckin' hard...
--Union Square
Guy: I should have studied for this final... But the tequila was so good!
--NYU Silver Center
Student to professor during final: Do you want us to use our intelligence or follow the instructions?
--Columbia University
Why People Shouldn't Watch Oedipus after So Much Reefer
Jamaican: She was crazy, mon! She went right up to him and scratched out his mothafuckin' eyes, mon. Just scratched them right out.
Cop: No way. Really?
Jamaican: That's what I'm saying, mon! Dude didn't have no more eyes, mon! His mothafuckin' eyes was gone! He be walking around blind and shit!
Cop: Wow.
--44th & Madison
Overheard by: Doll
Missouri or Kansas?
Cop to cabbie: Hurry up, you Arabian fuck! Dumbass towel-heads...
Tourist mom: Do you have to use that language? There are children present.
Cop: Lady, shut up. This is New York -- either get with it or get out.
Tourist mom: This never would have happened back in Kansas City.
--Rockefeller Center
Ow! Nice Cuffs, Though
Man in knit hat, dirty shirt, and hoodie exiting elevator: Yo, what you supposed to be, a cowboy?
Guy in cowboy hat and fringe jacket: Yeah, that's right!
Man: Well, guess what -- I'm a thug! Ha! [Turns to police officer standing nearby] And what about you, you supposed to be a cop? That's a shit costume!
--DeKalb & Flatbush
Overheard by: Johnny Tremaine
Wednesday One-Liners Live Life on the Edge
Chick on cell: Yeah, but the possibility of being hit by the log is too great... And I don't know if I want to take that risk.
--Train to Glen Rock
Young suit: I always have problems with zippers. Once, I was putting on my pants and my leg went through the zipper instead of the leg hole. It made a 'rip' noise, and then it broke.
--West End Ave
Traffic cop waving cars through pedestrian-flooded intersection: C'mon, c'mon! If they get hit, they get hit.
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Jobee, a pedestrian
Teen boy: Those signs are idiotic. If the kid runs out in front of your car, you're going to hit him whether he's deaf or not!
--Bedford Park, Bronx
Overheard by: Cousin It
Go-go dancer boy: I'm totally the only one who hasn't fallen off the bar yet.
--Pier 45, Hudson River Park
Overheard by: Palest Girl on the Lawn
But What He Really Wants to Do Is Direct
Ghetto girl calling out pedestrians' costumes: Rainbow Brite! Sonny and Cher! Pirates of the Caribbean! Bob Marley! Officer!
Cop: Ma'am?
Ghetto girl: Oh, you really a cop.
--Village Halloween Parade
Overheard by: Dressed as a pedestrian
But Now It's a Box of Parts on Their Way to Mexico
Cop, taking report of stolen car: Ok, what was the color, make and model?
Metro Guy: It's cranberry and...
Cop: Cranberry's something you eat, son, your car was red.
--L.I.C.
Overheard by: Jatmos
Think They Have Italian Food?
Girl #1: Do you think there are more places to eat this way or that way?
Cop: Well, there are four that way, and two this way, but the better places are this way.
Girl #2: Can you recommend a good place to eat then?
Cop: Uh, there's supposed to be somewhere good on the corner of Spring and Mulberry.
Girl #1: Do you know the name of the place?
Cop: Maybe Lugi's or Lombardi's or something, some woppy Italian name.
--Little Italy
Overheard by: San Gennaro Reveler
I Thought It Was Ba-Dunk-a-Dunkin' Donuts
Thug in cuffs: Yo, da ba-dunk-a-dunk is constimatutionally protected!
Undercover cop: Yes, but this is child pornography.
--Houston & West
Overheard by: Nick Dempsey
Bush Figures Out His Tailors Tricked Him
Mother: When is the president coming by? My children want to see.
Police officer: Well, nobody will be able to see the president because we were told no one will be able to face the motorcade.
--Chambers & West
I Don't Think The Lake House Is Out on DVD Yet
Police officer: Crime isn't going down. It is being reclassified.
Man: Sir, do you know where I can get cheese?
--Brooklyn Family Court
Well, Ralph Was Able to Punch Alice to There
Cop: I won't issue you a summons if you can answer this question correctly... What's closer to New York, Italy or the moon? I'll give you a hint. You can see the moon.
Perp: Ummm... the moon!
--Brownsville, Brooklyn
Overheard by: po-pos do give 2nd chances
The Police Athletic League Goes Recruiting
Police cruiser stops on 8th Ave by a group of black teens.
Loudspeaker: What are you doing there?
Black teens: [inaudible]
Loudspeaker: OK, but no hands.
One teen takes three long strides and leaps on top of a mailbox, wobbles precariously, touches one finger on a wobble, and stands straight up.
Loudspeaker: Used your hands.
--34th & 8th
Sir, You Have the Right to Remain Moribund
Old woman to cop, looking down at man on sidewalk: Is he dead?
Cop: Yes, ma'am, I'm afraid he is.
Old woman: Good. Arrest him.
--Forest Hills, Queens
Overheard by: Wondering what this woman does at funerals
Wednesday One-Liners Think 'Un' Is Also a Kind of Faithful
Ghetto guy: She know she got a man, but she'll still gimme some. She know that!
--7 train
Young woman, screaming at young man: I dare you to fuck someone else again! I dare you!... You better not fuck anyone else! You better not!
--Hoyt-Schermerhorn station, Brooklyn
Queer on cell: Since when has your gaping hole decided to be faithful to your boyfriend?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Keith
Walking VD: When I first met you seven months ago I was kinda in another relationship. But now that that's over, wanna get back in bed?
--32nd & 7th
Cop: So I'm fucking his wife for 6 years, and now he complains!
--238th & Broadway
Overheard by: Miriam
Even There, They Will Not Be Treated Like Family
Tourist: Yeah, we're looking for The Olive Garden.
Cop: Really?
--43rd & 7th
Overheard by: Seriously?
I Saw Frank Open a Beer Bottle With His Labia
Fireman, telling a story about a female fire fighter: She's one tough woman.
Retired cop: All firemen are tough women.--Bar, Staten Island
Headline by: Max North
Runners-Up:
· "And Don't Even Get me Started on Lifeguards...Bunch of Pussies." - Lindsey
· "Does This Hose Make my Ass Look Big?" - Bones
· "Don't Get Him Started on Meter Maids..." - colin
· "Firefighters Are From Venus, Cops Are From Jersey" - Hunter North
· "It Makes For an Interesting Calendar" - travis
· "That's How the Poles Stay so Smooth" - Syd O'Banion
· "They All Refused Anesthesia During the Sex Change Operation" - Johnny D
· "Which Does Much to Explain the Low Salaries" - Jenina
· "You Should See His Burnt Doll Collection" - Matthew
· "You'll Never Be the Man Your Mother Was." - Paul
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
That's Not Gonna Hold Up In Court
Attorney: Do you know where the 26th Precinct is?
Police officer: No...Wait, that's where I left my gun...No, I don't know where it is.
--Manhattan Criminal Court
Overheard by: Bemused Public Defender
Five minutes later their car was stolen.
Cop #1: We wouldn't have so much crime here if Law & Order was set somewhere else. I mean, they're just giving people ideas, and making them think it's entertaining.
Cop #2: Uh huh. And the show also makes people think the force is full of skilled, competent officers.
Cop #1: I guess I object to that, too.--John's Pizza, Bleecker StOverheard by: Jebediah
Headline by: Nick
Runners-Up:
· "As Do The Tourists Who Expect Him to Help When They're Being Mugged" - Sinead
· "But The Worst Part Is, When Lenny Makes A Joke About A Corpse Everyone Thinks It's Adorable, But When I Do It I Get Some Bitch Widow Calling Me Insensitive" - Kate
· "His remote's in his holster and his TV is broken." - Nick
· "I guess Vincent D'Onofrio is skilled, if by skilled you mean unbearable to watch" - that guy
· "I'm more of a Village People Cop than a Law & Order Cop" - ak
· "If the Sci-Fi Channel folded, we wouldn't have so many alien invasions, either" - Matthew
· "If they brought back Cop Rock, this job would be a cake walk" - tony ska
· "It's moments like these that make me wish I was set somewher else" - Jenina
· "Wow I was always saying that wrong. So it's *Life* imitates *Art*?" - srednivashtar
· "You should have seen this town when "Naked City" was on." - J. A. G.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Try to Punch a Hole Through the World Trade Center Now, Terrorists!
Homeland security cop #1: Bleah! Bleah! Bleah!
He leans over and pretends to vomit in the gutter. Homeland security cop #2 laughs.
Homeland security cop #1, laughing: That was great! Punch me again!
--Federal Plaza, Duane & Broadway
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
It's Okay-- It's His Job to Stand There
Tourist man: Pardon me, officer, can you tell us where Orchard Street is?
Cop: See that naked Chinese guy?
Tourist man: Ummm...Yeah.
Cop: Walk down to him and make a left.
Tourist man: Um, thanks.
Cop: No problem.
--Delancey & Allen
Overheard by: Isaac
Start Smashing Judy Garland Records
Girl: How do I cross the parade?
Cop: Get in line with the rest of the straight people.--Pride Parade, 14th & 5th
Headline by: Steve
Runners-Up:
· "Chickens have pride, too." - Gobbling Cock
· "Give It The Old College Try" - Paul K.
· "Maybe a Richard Gere costume" - Corydon
· "Now, Dance! And When We Stop Laughing, You May Cross." - Andy Adelewitz
· "That, or turn queer on 6th" - Albylicious
· "The Indian and the Construction Worker Were Far More Helpful" - mercavelli
· "The only day of the year when 'blow me' isn't the right answer." - Jesse Y C
· "Unless of course you'd like to show me some hot girl on girl action." - Adam
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Why Lindsay Lohan Wears Yellow on Dates
Russian driver: I don't know, she stop right in front of me.
Cop: She just slammed on the brakes? Why did she do that?
Russian driver: I don't know, light was yellow. You know, green is go, red is stop, yellow is go faster.
Cop: Sure, absolutely.
--21st Ave & 77th St, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Joel
If Your Finances Are in the Black
Chick: Why did you move my beverage to the floor?
Woman #1: You're not supposed to have drinks on the train. Especially not on the seats.
College chick: It's not going to spill. Are you a cop?
Woman #1: No, I'm a taxpayer.
Chick: So am I. I have rights, too.
Woman #1: Yeah, I'm a cop.
Woman #2: Can you be a taxpayer and a cop?
--1 train
He Obviously Doesn't Believe in Disco
Tourist guy: Why do the buildings in New York have water tanks on the
roofs?
Cop guy: I don't know...maybe they knock it over if the building
goes up in flames.
--Bowery & Delancey
The Getaway Vehicle Had 1 Horsepower
Chick: How much for a ride?
Hansom guy: 45 dollars.
Lady cop: This is the last time I'm going to tell you, get off this street with this horse. If I see you one more time on this street I'm taking the horse and I'm locking you up! You hear me? I'll take this horse and I'll lock you up!
Hansom guy: Ha, ha! Fuckin' bitch.
--50th & 5th
"Now can you point me to Yoko's house?"
Teen girl: Excuse me, have you ever read The Catcher in the Rye?
Cop: Yes.
Teen girl: Do you know where the ducks go in the winter? The ones in Central Park; do you know where they fly to?
Cop: Oh, yeah. They just go to the duck house.
--47th & 5th
He Works in the Irony Precinct
Guy: I thought you couldn't write diplomats tickets.
Cop: You can write 'em, they just don't have to pay 'em!
Guy: Oh.
Cop: Yeah. Fuck them!
--6th between B & C