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Cop to loud ghetto kids strutting through train: Excuse me, but you can't be walking through the trains like this.
Ghetto girl: Ex-cuuuse me?
Ghetto boy: Yo, don't be sayin' shit. Let's be out -- I don't wanna go to jail today.
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Lady cop to drunk guy: C'mon, get on the train. You can switch at West Fourth. Get home safe. [Drunk guy tries to grab her arm.] No, I'm not coming with you.
Drunk guy: Come with me!
--F train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Colleen
Cop #1, to hobo: You don't have a home, but you have a lawyer.
Cop #2: That's fantastic!
--29th & Lex
Confused tourist driver, after traffic cop blocks left turn: But I don't know this way. Where am I supposed to turn?
Traffic cop: What the hell do I care? You figure it out!
--Church & Duane
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Tourist: Excuse me, can I ask you a question? Where's the apple?
Cop: What?
Tourist: You know, the big one? [Cop stares at her, then shrugs and points arbitrarily down Broadway.] Thanks!
--Times Square
Overheard by: I Just Work Here
Female cop to kissing couple: Get a room!
Guy, looking up: A room?! I can't even afford a blow job!
--Union Square
Overheard by: geneva c.
Hipster chick: What happened here?
Cop: Everything's alright... Spider-Man saved the day.
--Union Square subway station
Man sitting down: Your fly is open.
Cop: What?
Man: Your fly is open.
Cop, looking down: Hey, I'm going to the jail and I got my nuts hangin' out! Thanks, man.
Man: Sure, no problem.
--7 train, 46th St, Woodside
Overheard by: Didn't see his nuts...
Cop #1 to kid holding paper towels to his bleeding head: Lemme see your head, man. [Kid shows him the gash.] Holy shit!
Kid: What the fuck, man?! Aren't you supposed to be comforting me or some shit?!
Cop #1: Sorry! Well, at least you're coherent.
Cop #2: At this point, with that gash, you could light up a joint and I wouldn't tell.
--9th St, between Ave A & B
Overheard by: rpk
Blonde tourist: Excuse me, officer. Can you tell me where the nearest liquor store is?
Cop: Hmmm. Don't know. If you asked me where the nearest doughnut shop is, that would make more sense.
Blonde tourist: Um, can I get a picture with you?
--44th & 8th
Dude: Hi, I'm looking for the World Trade Center.
Cop: Uhhh, yeah... You need to go to Manhattan.
--Ferry Terminal, Staten Island
Overheard by: Ghost Rock It
Meek tourist, after spending 10 minutes trying to hail a cab: Can you please help me hail a cab?
Disgruntled cop: Fuck you! Find your own damn cab! Christ!
--Times Square
Cop #1: What, you can't say, 'Good morning' anymore?
Cop #2: Haha.
Cop #1: I get more fuckin' respect from the sperm in my balls than from you!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Emily
Cop #1: It smells like bacon.
Cop #2: Sorry.
--W 47th St
St. Patty's drunk: So, wait... I was told that we aren't allowed to drink in Penn Station today, but all the vendors are selling beer. What's the deal?
Cop: Well, they shouldn't be selling it. If you are caught, you will be ticketed and--
Interrupting cop: --Dude, just put it in a paper cup! Go right there, buy that beer, and ask for that red paper Coke cup. That's all.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Super Mike
Cop #1: Whoopie, whoopie, whoopie...
Cop #2: What are you talking about?
Cop #1: You know -- [twirls finger].
Cop #2: No, what the hell are you talking about?
Cop #1: I hear she's a real wild fuck!
Cop #2: Yeah, I just never saw myself working for a woman.
--24-hour diner, 52nd & 8th
Traffic cop: You can't walk now. Get a clue!
Man: I got a clue -- the 'Walk' sign!
Traffic cop: I don't give a shit what the sign says!
--52nd & 5th
Hobo: Caw! Caw! Tweet! Gobble! Gobble!
Black cop to another: See, man, that's what's happening to our people.
--8th Ave, between 35th & 36th
Overheard by: NRG
Five thugs ascending subway steps see cop on the street: Ho! The pigs! Oink! Busted! [They run and one starts breathing heavily, wheezing.]
Cop: Maybe you should have taken the elevator.
Fat thug: Shit! There's an elevator?! Where's the elevator?! [After they all go to look for the elevator] There's no elevator! He tricked us!
--Lorimer St, Brooklyn
NYU student: I feel like the professor didn't scare me enough about the final exam y'know? So then, like, I didn't get nervous enough, so then I didn't study enough, so then I didn't do well on it, y'know? So, like, it's really my professor's fault, y'know?
--Korean deli, 13th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Joseph O'Connell
Cop: Yeah, the open-book exam? I passed it on appeal.
--45th & Broadway
Guy on cell: ... Fucked me, dude. Fucked me hard. Bent me over the desk and rammed a bluebook right up my ass. Sooo fuckin' hard...
--Union Square
Guy: I should have studied for this final... But the tequila was so good!
--NYU Silver Center
Student to professor during final: Do you want us to use our intelligence or follow the instructions?
--Columbia University
Jamaican: She was crazy, mon! She went right up to him and scratched out his mothafuckin' eyes, mon. Just scratched them right out.
Cop: No way. Really?
Jamaican: That's what I'm saying, mon! Dude didn't have no more eyes, mon! His mothafuckin' eyes was gone! He be walking around blind and shit!
Cop: Wow.
--44th & Madison
Overheard by: Doll
Cop to cabbie: Hurry up, you Arabian fuck! Dumbass towel-heads...
Tourist mom: Do you have to use that language? There are children present.
Cop: Lady, shut up. This is New York -- either get with it or get out.
Tourist mom: This never would have happened back in Kansas City.
--Rockefeller Center
Man in knit hat, dirty shirt, and hoodie exiting elevator: Yo, what you supposed to be, a cowboy?
Guy in cowboy hat and fringe jacket: Yeah, that's right!
Man: Well, guess what -- I'm a thug! Ha! [Turns to police officer standing nearby] And what about you, you supposed to be a cop? That's a shit costume!
--DeKalb & Flatbush
Overheard by: Johnny Tremaine
Chick on cell: Yeah, but the possibility of being hit by the log is too great... And I don't know if I want to take that risk.
--Train to Glen Rock
Young suit: I always have problems with zippers. Once, I was putting on my pants and my leg went through the zipper instead of the leg hole. It made a 'rip' noise, and then it broke.
--West End Ave
Traffic cop waving cars through pedestrian-flooded intersection: C'mon, c'mon! If they get hit, they get hit.
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Jobee, a pedestrian
Teen boy: Those signs are idiotic. If the kid runs out in front of your car, you're going to hit him whether he's deaf or not!
--Bedford Park, Bronx
Overheard by: Cousin It
Go-go dancer boy: I'm totally the only one who hasn't fallen off the bar yet.
--Pier 45, Hudson River Park
Overheard by: Palest Girl on the Lawn
Ghetto girl calling out pedestrians' costumes: Rainbow Brite! Sonny and Cher! Pirates of the Caribbean! Bob Marley! Officer!
Cop: Ma'am?
Ghetto girl: Oh, you really a cop.
--Village Halloween Parade
Overheard by: Dressed as a pedestrian
Cop, taking report of stolen car: Ok, what was the color, make and model?
Metro Guy: It's cranberry and...
Cop: Cranberry's something you eat, son, your car was red.
--L.I.C.
Overheard by: Jatmos
Girl #1: Do you think there are more places to eat this way or that way?
Cop: Well, there are four that way, and two this way, but the better places are this way.
Girl #2: Can you recommend a good place to eat then?
Cop: Uh, there's supposed to be somewhere good on the corner of Spring and Mulberry.
Girl #1: Do you know the name of the place?
Cop: Maybe Lugi's or Lombardi's or something, some woppy Italian name.
--Little Italy
Overheard by: San Gennaro Reveler
Thug in cuffs: Yo, da ba-dunk-a-dunk is constimatutionally protected!
Undercover cop: Yes, but this is child pornography.
--Houston & West
Overheard by: Nick Dempsey
Mother: When is the president coming by? My children want to see.
Police officer: Well, nobody will be able to see the president because we were told no one will be able to face the motorcade.
--Chambers & West
Police officer: Crime isn't going down. It is being reclassified.
Man: Sir, do you know where I can get cheese?
--Brooklyn Family Court
Cop: I won't issue you a summons if you can answer this question correctly... What's closer to New York, Italy or the moon? I'll give you a hint. You can see the moon.
Perp: Ummm... the moon!
--Brownsville, Brooklyn
Overheard by: po-pos do give 2nd chances
Police cruiser stops on 8th Ave by a group of black teens.
Loudspeaker: What are you doing there?
Black teens: [inaudible]
Loudspeaker: OK, but no hands.
One teen takes three long strides and leaps on top of a mailbox, wobbles precariously, touches one finger on a wobble, and stands straight up.
Loudspeaker: Used your hands.
--34th & 8th
Old woman to cop, looking down at man on sidewalk: Is he dead?
Cop: Yes, ma'am, I'm afraid he is.
Old woman: Good. Arrest him.
--Forest Hills, Queens
Overheard by: Wondering what this woman does at funerals
Ghetto guy: She know she got a man, but she'll still gimme some. She know that!
--7 train
Young woman, screaming at young man: I dare you to fuck someone else again! I dare you!... You better not fuck anyone else! You better not!
--Hoyt-Schermerhorn station, Brooklyn
Queer on cell: Since when has your gaping hole decided to be faithful to your boyfriend?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Keith
Walking VD: When I first met you seven months ago I was kinda in another relationship. But now that that's over, wanna get back in bed?
--32nd & 7th
Cop: So I'm fucking his wife for 6 years, and now he complains!
--238th & Broadway
Overheard by: Miriam
Tourist: Yeah, we're looking for The Olive Garden.
Cop: Really?
--43rd & 7th
Overheard by: Seriously?
Fireman, telling a story about a female fire fighter: She's one tough woman.
Retired cop: All firemen are tough women.--Bar, Staten Island
Headline by: Max North
Runners-Up:
· "And Don't Even Get me Started on Lifeguards...Bunch of Pussies." - Lindsey
· "Does This Hose Make my Ass Look Big?" - Bones
· "Don't Get Him Started on Meter Maids..." - colin
· "Firefighters Are From Venus, Cops Are From Jersey" - Hunter North
· "It Makes For an Interesting Calendar" - travis
· "That's How the Poles Stay so Smooth" - Syd O'Banion
· "They All Refused Anesthesia During the Sex Change Operation" - Johnny D
· "Which Does Much to Explain the Low Salaries" - Jenina
· "You Should See His Burnt Doll Collection" - Matthew
· "You'll Never Be the Man Your Mother Was." - Paul
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Attorney: Do you know where the 26th Precinct is?
Police officer: No...Wait, that's where I left my gun...No, I don't know where it is.
--Manhattan Criminal Court
Overheard by: Bemused Public Defender
Cop #1: We wouldn't have so much crime here if Law & Order was set somewhere else. I mean, they're just giving people ideas, and making them think it's entertaining.
Cop #2: Uh huh. And the show also makes people think the force is full of skilled, competent officers.
Cop #1: I guess I object to that, too.--John's Pizza, Bleecker StOverheard by: Jebediah
Headline by: Nick
Runners-Up:
· "As Do The Tourists Who Expect Him to Help When They're Being Mugged" - Sinead
· "But The Worst Part Is, When Lenny Makes A Joke About A Corpse Everyone Thinks It's Adorable, But When I Do It I Get Some Bitch Widow Calling Me Insensitive" - Kate
· "His remote's in his holster and his TV is broken." - Nick
· "I guess Vincent D'Onofrio is skilled, if by skilled you mean unbearable to watch" - that guy
· "I'm more of a Village People Cop than a Law & Order Cop" - ak
· "If the Sci-Fi Channel folded, we wouldn't have so many alien invasions, either" - Matthew
· "If they brought back Cop Rock, this job would be a cake walk" - tony ska
· "It's moments like these that make me wish I was set somewher else" - Jenina
· "Wow I was always saying that wrong. So it's *Life* imitates *Art*?" - srednivashtar
· "You should have seen this town when "Naked City" was on." - J. A. G.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Homeland security cop #1: Bleah! Bleah! Bleah!
He leans over and pretends to vomit in the gutter. Homeland security cop #2 laughs.
Homeland security cop #1, laughing: That was great! Punch me again!
--Federal Plaza, Duane & Broadway
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Tourist man: Pardon me, officer, can you tell us where Orchard Street is?
Cop: See that naked Chinese guy?
Tourist man: Ummm...Yeah.
Cop: Walk down to him and make a left.
Tourist man: Um, thanks.
Cop: No problem.
--Delancey & Allen
Overheard by: Isaac
Girl: How do I cross the parade?
Cop: Get in line with the rest of the straight people.--Pride Parade, 14th & 5th
Headline by: Steve
Runners-Up:
· "Chickens have pride, too." - Gobbling Cock
· "Give It The Old College Try" - Paul K.
· "Maybe a Richard Gere costume" - Corydon
· "Now, Dance! And When We Stop Laughing, You May Cross." - Andy Adelewitz
· "That, or turn queer on 6th" - Albylicious
· "The Indian and the Construction Worker Were Far More Helpful" - mercavelli
· "The only day of the year when 'blow me' isn't the right answer." - Jesse Y C
· "Unless of course you'd like to show me some hot girl on girl action." - Adam
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Russian driver: I don't know, she stop right in front of me.
Cop: She just slammed on the brakes? Why did she do that?
Russian driver: I don't know, light was yellow. You know, green is go, red is stop, yellow is go faster.
Cop: Sure, absolutely.
--21st Ave & 77th St, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Joel
Chick: Why did you move my beverage to the floor?
Woman #1: You're not supposed to have drinks on the train. Especially not on the seats.
College chick: It's not going to spill. Are you a cop?
Woman #1: No, I'm a taxpayer.
Chick: So am I. I have rights, too.
Woman #1: Yeah, I'm a cop.
Woman #2: Can you be a taxpayer and a cop?
--1 train
Tourist guy: Why do the buildings in New York have water tanks on the
roofs?
Cop guy: I don't know...maybe they knock it over if the building
goes up in flames.
--Bowery & Delancey
Chick: How much for a ride?
Hansom guy: 45 dollars.
Lady cop: This is the last time I'm going to tell you, get off this street with this horse. If I see you one more time on this street I'm taking the horse and I'm locking you up! You hear me? I'll take this horse and I'll lock you up!
Hansom guy: Ha, ha! Fuckin' bitch.
--50th & 5th
Teen girl: Excuse me, have you ever read The Catcher in the Rye?
Cop: Yes.
Teen girl: Do you know where the ducks go in the winter? The ones in Central Park; do you know where they fly to?
Cop: Oh, yeah. They just go to the duck house.
--47th & 5th
Guy: I thought you couldn't write diplomats tickets.
Cop: You can write 'em, they just don't have to pay 'em!
Guy: Oh.
Cop: Yeah. Fuck them!
--6th between B & C