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Cop to loud ghetto kids strutting through train: Excuse me, but you can't be walking through the trains like this.
Ghetto girl: Ex-cuuuse me?
Ghetto boy: Yo, don't be sayin' shit. Let's be out -- I don't wanna go to jail today.
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Lady cop to drunk guy: C'mon, get on the train. You can switch at West Fourth. Get home safe. [Drunk guy tries to grab her arm.] No, I'm not coming with you.
Drunk guy: Come with me!
--F train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Colleen
Cop #1, to hobo: You don't have a home, but you have a lawyer.
Cop #2: That's fantastic!
--29th & Lex
Confused tourist driver, after traffic cop blocks left turn: But I don't know this way. Where am I supposed to turn?
Traffic cop: What the hell do I care? You figure it out!
--Church & Duane
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Tourist: Excuse me, can I ask you a question? Where's the apple?
Cop: What?
Tourist: You know, the big one? [Cop stares at her, then shrugs and points arbitrarily down Broadway.] Thanks!
--Times Square
Overheard by: I Just Work Here
Female cop to kissing couple: Get a room!
Guy, looking up: A room?! I can't even afford a blow job!
--Union Square
Overheard by: geneva c.
Hipster chick: What happened here?
Cop: Everything's alright... Spider-Man saved the day.
--Union Square subway station
Man sitting down: Your fly is open.
Cop: What?
Man: Your fly is open.
Cop, looking down: Hey, I'm going to the jail and I got my nuts hangin' out! Thanks, man.
Man: Sure, no problem.
--7 train, 46th St, Woodside
Overheard by: Didn't see his nuts...
Cop #1 to kid holding paper towels to his bleeding head: Lemme see your head, man. [Kid shows him the gash.] Holy shit!
Kid: What the fuck, man?! Aren't you supposed to be comforting me or some shit?!
Cop #1: Sorry! Well, at least you're coherent.
Cop #2: At this point, with that gash, you could light up a joint and I wouldn't tell.
--9th St, between Ave A & B
Overheard by: rpk
Blonde tourist: Excuse me, officer. Can you tell me where the nearest liquor store is?
Cop: Hmmm. Don't know. If you asked me where the nearest doughnut shop is, that would make more sense.
Blonde tourist: Um, can I get a picture with you?
--44th & 8th
Dude: Hi, I'm looking for the World Trade Center.
Cop: Uhhh, yeah... You need to go to Manhattan.
--Ferry Terminal, Staten Island
Overheard by: Ghost Rock It
Meek tourist, after spending 10 minutes trying to hail a cab: Can you please help me hail a cab?
Disgruntled cop: Fuck you! Find your own damn cab! Christ!
--Times Square
Cop #1: What, you can't say, 'Good morning' anymore?
Cop #2: Haha.
Cop #1: I get more fuckin' respect from the sperm in my balls than from you!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Emily
Cop #1: It smells like bacon.
Cop #2: Sorry.
--W 47th St
St. Patty's drunk: So, wait... I was told that we aren't allowed to drink in Penn Station today, but all the vendors are selling beer. What's the deal?
Cop: Well, they shouldn't be selling it. If you are caught, you will be ticketed and--
Interrupting cop: --Dude, just put it in a paper cup! Go right there, buy that beer, and ask for that red paper Coke cup. That's all.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Super Mike
Cop #1: Whoopie, whoopie, whoopie...
Cop #2: What are you talking about?
Cop #1: You know -- [twirls finger].
Cop #2: No, what the hell are you talking about?
Cop #1: I hear she's a real wild fuck!
Cop #2: Yeah, I just never saw myself working for a woman.
--24-hour diner, 52nd & 8th
Traffic cop: You can't walk now. Get a clue!
Man: I got a clue -- the 'Walk' sign!
Traffic cop: I don't give a shit what the sign says!
--52nd & 5th
Hobo: Caw! Caw! Tweet! Gobble! Gobble!
Black cop to another: See, man, that's what's happening to our people.
--8th Ave, between 35th & 36th
Overheard by: NRG
Five thugs ascending subway steps see cop on the street: Ho! The pigs! Oink! Busted! [They run and one starts breathing heavily, wheezing.]
Cop: Maybe you should have taken the elevator.
Fat thug: Shit! There's an elevator?! Where's the elevator?! [After they all go to look for the elevator] There's no elevator! He tricked us!
--Lorimer St, Brooklyn
NYU student: I feel like the professor didn't scare me enough about the final exam y'know? So then, like, I didn't get nervous enough, so then I didn't study enough, so then I didn't do well on it, y'know? So, like, it's really my professor's fault, y'know?
--Korean deli, 13th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Joseph O'Connell
Cop: Yeah, the open-book exam? I passed it on appeal.
--45th & Broadway
Guy on cell: ... Fucked me, dude. Fucked me hard. Bent me over the desk and rammed a bluebook right up my ass. Sooo fuckin' hard...
--Union Square
Guy: I should have studied for this final... But the tequila was so good!
--NYU Silver Center
Student to professor during final: Do you want us to use our intelligence or follow the instructions?
--Columbia University
Jamaican: She was crazy, mon! She went right up to him and scratched out his mothafuckin' eyes, mon. Just scratched them right out.
Cop: No way. Really?
Jamaican: That's what I'm saying, mon! Dude didn't have no more eyes, mon! His mothafuckin' eyes was gone! He be walking around blind and shit!
Cop: Wow.
--44th & Madison
Overheard by: Doll
Cop to cabbie: Hurry up, you Arabian fuck! Dumbass towel-heads...
Tourist mom: Do you have to use that language? There are children present.
Cop: Lady, shut up. This is New York -- either get with it or get out.
Tourist mom: This never would have happened back in Kansas City.
--Rockefeller Center
Man in knit hat, dirty shirt, and hoodie exiting elevator: Yo, what you supposed to be, a cowboy?
Guy in cowboy hat and fringe jacket: Yeah, that's right!
Man: Well, guess what -- I'm a thug! Ha! [Turns to police officer standing nearby] And what about you, you supposed to be a cop? That's a shit costume!
--DeKalb & Flatbush
Overheard by: Johnny Tremaine
Chick on cell: Yeah, but the possibility of being hit by the log is too great... And I don't know if I want to take that risk.
--Train to Glen Rock
Young suit: I always have problems with zippers. Once, I was putting on my pants and my leg went through the zipper instead of the leg hole. It made a 'rip' noise, and then it broke.
--West End Ave
Traffic cop waving cars through pedestrian-flooded intersection: C'mon, c'mon! If they get hit, they get hit.
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Jobee, a pedestrian
Teen boy: Those signs are idiotic. If the kid runs out in front of your car, you're going to hit him whether he's deaf or not!
--Bedford Park, Bronx
Overheard by: Cousin It
Go-go dancer boy: I'm totally the only one who hasn't fallen off the bar yet.
--Pier 45, Hudson River Park
Overheard by: Palest Girl on the Lawn
Ghetto girl calling out pedestrians' costumes: Rainbow Brite! Sonny and Cher! Pirates of the Caribbean! Bob Marley! Officer!
Cop: Ma'am?
Ghetto girl: Oh, you really a cop.
--Village Halloween Parade
Overheard by: Dressed as a pedestrian
Cop, taking report of stolen car: Ok, what was the color, make and model?
Metro Guy: It's cranberry and...
Cop: Cranberry's something you eat, son, your car was red.
--L.I.C.
Overheard by: Jatmos
Girl #1: Do you think there are more places to eat this way or that way?
Cop: Well, there are four that way, and two this way, but the better places are this way.
Girl #2: Can you recommend a good place to eat then?
Cop: Uh, there's supposed to be somewhere good on the corner of Spring and Mulberry.
Girl #1: Do you know the name of the place?
Cop: Maybe Lugi's or Lombardi's or something, some woppy Italian name.
--Little Italy
Overheard by: San Gennaro Reveler
Thug in cuffs: Yo, da ba-dunk-a-dunk is constimatutionally protected!
Undercover cop: Yes, but this is child pornography.
--Houston & West
Overheard by: Nick Dempsey
Mother: When is the president coming by? My children want to see.
Police officer: Well, nobody will be able to see the president because we were told no one will be able to face the motorcade.
--Chambers & West
Police officer: Crime isn't going down. It is being reclassified.
Man: Sir, do you know where I can get cheese?
--Brooklyn Family Court
Cop: I won't issue you a summons if you can answer this question correctly... What's closer to New York, Italy or the moon? I'll give you a hint. You can see the moon.
Perp: Ummm... the moon!
--Brownsville, Brooklyn
Overheard by: po-pos do give 2nd chances
Police cruiser stops on 8th Ave by a group of black teens.
Loudspeaker: What are you doing there?
Black teens: [inaudible]
Loudspeaker: OK, but no hands.
One teen takes three long strides and leaps on top of a mailbox, wobbles precariously, touches one finger on a wobble, and stands straight up.
Loudspeaker: Used your hands.
--34th & 8th
Old woman to cop, looking down at man on sidewalk: Is he dead?
Cop: Yes, ma'am, I'm afraid he is.
Old woman: Good. Arrest him.
--Forest Hills, Queens
Overheard by: Wondering what this woman does at funerals
Ghetto guy: She know she got a man, but she'll still gimme some. She know that!
--7 train
Young woman, screaming at young man: I dare you to fuck someone else again! I dare you!... You better not fuck anyone else! You better not!
--Hoyt-Schermerhorn station, Brooklyn
Queer on cell: Since when has your gaping hole decided to be faithful to your boyfriend?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Keith
Walking VD: When I first met you seven months ago I was kinda in another relationship. But now that that's over, wanna get back in bed?
--32nd & 7th
Cop: So I'm fucking his wife for 6 years, and now he complains!
--238th & Broadway
Overheard by: Miriam
Tourist: Yeah, we're looking for The Olive Garden.
Cop: Really?
--43rd & 7th
Overheard by: Seriously?
Fireman, telling a story about a female fire fighter: She's one tough woman.
Retired cop: All firemen are tough women.--Bar, Staten Island
Headline by: Max North
Runners-Up:
· "And Don't Even Get me Started on Lifeguards...Bunch of Pussies." - Lindsey
· "Does This Hose Make my Ass Look Big?" - Bones
· "Don't Get Him Started on Meter Maids..." - colin
· "Firefighters Are From Venus, Cops Are From Jersey" - Hunter North
· "It Makes For an Interesting Calendar" - travis
· "That's How the Poles Stay so Smooth" - Syd O'Banion
· "They All Refused Anesthesia During the Sex Change Operation" - Johnny D
· "Which Does Much to Explain the Low Salaries" - Jenina
· "You Should See His Burnt Doll Collection" - Matthew
· "You'll Never Be the Man Your Mother Was." - Paul
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Attorney: Do you know where the 26th Precinct is?
Police officer: No...Wait, that's where I left my gun...No, I don't know where it is.
--Manhattan Criminal Court
Overheard by: Bemused Public Defender
Cop #1: We wouldn't have so much crime here if Law & Order was set somewhere else. I mean, they're just giving people ideas, and making them think it's entertaining.
Cop #2: Uh huh. And the show also makes people think the force is full of skilled, competent officers.
Cop #1: I guess I object to that, too.--John's Pizza, Bleecker StOverheard by: Jebediah
Headline by: Nick
Runners-Up:
· "As Do The Tourists Who Expect Him to Help When They're Being Mugged" - Sinead
· "But The Worst Part Is, When Lenny Makes A Joke About A Corpse Everyone Thinks It's Adorable, But When I Do It I Get Some Bitch Widow Calling Me Insensitive" - Kate
· "His remote's in his holster and his TV is broken." - Nick
· "I guess Vincent D'Onofrio is skilled, if by skilled you mean unbearable to watch" - that guy
· "I'm more of a Village People Cop than a Law & Order Cop" - ak
· "If the Sci-Fi Channel folded, we wouldn't have so many alien invasions, either" - Matthew
· "If they brought back Cop Rock, this job would be a cake walk" - tony ska
· "It's moments like these that make me wish I was set somewher else" - Jenina
· "Wow I was always saying that wrong. So it's *Life* imitates *Art*?" - srednivashtar
· "You should have seen this town when "Naked City" was on." - J. A. G.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Homeland security cop #1: Bleah! Bleah! Bleah!
He leans over and pretends to vomit in the gutter. Homeland security cop #2 laughs.
Homeland security cop #1, laughing: That was great! Punch me again!
--Federal Plaza, Duane & Broadway
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Tourist man: Pardon me, officer, can you tell us where Orchard Street is?
Cop: See that naked Chinese guy?
Tourist man: Ummm...Yeah.
Cop: Walk down to him and make a left.
Tourist man: Um, thanks.
Cop: No problem.
--Delancey & Allen
Overheard by: Isaac
Girl: How do I cross the parade?
Cop: Get in line with the rest of the straight people.--Pride Parade, 14th & 5th
Headline by: Steve
Runners-Up:
· "Chickens have pride, too." - Gobbling Cock
· "Give It The Old College Try" - Paul K.
· "Maybe a Richard Gere costume" - Corydon
· "Now, Dance! And When We Stop Laughing, You May Cross." - Andy Adelewitz
· "That, or turn queer on 6th" - Albylicious
· "The Indian and the Construction Worker Were Far More Helpful" - mercavelli
· "The only day of the year when 'blow me' isn't the right answer." - Jesse Y C
· "Unless of course you'd like to show me some hot girl on girl action." - Adam
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Russian driver: I don't know, she stop right in front of me.
Cop: She just slammed on the brakes? Why did she do that?
Russian driver: I don't know, light was yellow. You know, green is go, red is stop, yellow is go faster.
Cop: Sure, absolutely.
--21st Ave & 77th St, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Joel
Chick: Why did you move my beverage to the floor?
Woman #1: You're not supposed to have drinks on the train. Especially not on the seats.
College chick: It's not going to spill. Are you a cop?
Woman #1: No, I'm a taxpayer.
Chick: So am I. I have rights, too.
Woman #1: Yeah, I'm a cop.
Woman #2: Can you be a taxpayer and a cop?
--1 train
Tourist guy: Why do the buildings in New York have water tanks on the
roofs?
Cop guy: I don't know...maybe they knock it over if the building
goes up in flames.
--Bowery & Delancey
Chick: How much for a ride?
Hansom guy: 45 dollars.
Lady cop: This is the last time I'm going to tell you, get off this street with this horse. If I see you one more time on this street I'm taking the horse and I'm locking you up! You hear me? I'll take this horse and I'll lock you up!
Hansom guy: Ha, ha! Fuckin' bitch.
--50th & 5th
Teen girl: Excuse me, have you ever read The Catcher in the Rye?
Cop: Yes.
Teen girl: Do you know where the ducks go in the winter? The ones in Central Park; do you know where they fly to?
Cop: Oh, yeah. They just go to the duck house.
--47th & 5th
Guy: I thought you couldn't write diplomats tickets.
Cop: You can write 'em, they just don't have to pay 'em!
Guy: Oh.
Cop: Yeah. Fuck them!
--6th between B & C
Guido: Why don't you get a real job?
Meter maid: I got a real job. And I give real tickets.
--Sheepshead Bay
Overheard by: Dan Hughes
Girl #1: Look, that policewoman has a seeing-eye dog! Isn't that cool?
Girl #2: Oh yeah, cool, they have them here for that anti-terrorism shit.
Cop lady: ...Is she friggin' kidding me?
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Tara B
Girl #1: I don't watch CSI, I watch Law and Order.
Cop #1 & #2: Yes!
Girl #2: Can you get us tickets?
Cop #1: Yeah, if you give us $100 each.
Girl #2: How long have you been cops?
Cop #2: 2 years.
Girl #1: Damn, the police on SVU are way more experienced. That show's been running, like, 9 years.
Cop #1: Yes, but the cops on SVU are detectives.
--50th & 6th
Overheard by: Emma Marie
Tourist guy: Officer, what's happening?
Cop guy: What's happening? Rush hour's happening!
--Times Square station
Old woman: Excuse me officer, could you please tell me where the New Jersey Transit trains are?
Cop lady: Up the stairs and make a left, can't miss 'em.
Old woman: Which stairs?
Cop lady: Turn around.
Old woman: Are you sure?
Cop lady: Yeah, head up those stairs and make a left, there will be another officer up there behind the podium.
Old woman: So I only go up the one flight?
Cop lady: There is only one flight...Go up the stairs...when you get to the top...make a left.
Old woman: So I'm making a right, then going up the stairs...
Man: Jesus Christ, the fucking cop just told you like forty times! Are you fucking retarded? Go up the stairs, make a right!
Old woman: Well, wasn't he rude!
Cop lady: Ma'am, would you like me to walk you up there?
Old woman: Oh no, I'll be fine, thank you.
Cop lady: Have a nice day, ma'am.
The old woman then proceeded to walk in the completely opposite direction. Cop lady held it in for about 5 seconds before laughing.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: mshorty
Walkie-talkie: Need backup on 49th & Broadway...
Cop #1: 49th & Broadway! Isn't that us?
Cop #2: No, they've already got someone there.
Cop #1: Yeah, us...You're an idiot.
--D train
Overheard by: Nate Luce
A hobo has a cardboard sign that says "Ninjas killed parents, need money for Kugn [sic] Fu lessons."
A cop comes up, and the hobo says: I don't know why. I've already had five police come by and bother me today.
--14th & 5th
Overheard by: Casey
(cf. This guy.)
Cop: If the meter is broken, you can park there for an hour.
Driver guy: But how do you know when it's been an hour?
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Jennifer Morehead
Two cop cars are after someone, heading downtown on Fourth Avenue, sirens going. One cop brakes abruptly and throws it into reverse and makes a backward left turn onto 86th Street, where a civilian is sitting in his car, waiting for the light to change. The cop car smashes into the front of the civilian's car, and the cop announces on
his megaphone: Wake up, dildo!
--Bay Ridge
Guy on cell: ...yeah, and then I got arrested. So what's up with you?
--Brooklyn Heights
Cop: Man, there's a lot of Grade A ass out here today!
--Ground Zero
Guy: Don't feel bad, honey. I'd say that one out of every 8 guys is a convicted arsonist.
--Union Square
Cop: Man, I hate going to the bathroom. You gotta take all this stuff off!
--Barnes & Noble, 22nd Street
Overheard by: Tommy Raiko
Mother: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Daughter: A cop.
Mother A cop? You don't want to be no cop, what do you want to be a cop for?
Daughter: So I can carry a gun.
Mother: You don't need to be a cop to have a gun. Your dad ain't no cop and he has a gun.
--F train
Overheard by: Paul Swenson
Cop: All right guy, you have two options--
Old man: Let me guess, you gonna lock me up? Man, I go to jail like summer camp.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Toon
Bus driver: The stop after this will be the next one. We should be arriving in a week to ten days.
--M42 bus
Overheard by: Dan Alcalde
Transit cop: I guess I'll pretend to do something here.
--Queens Plaza station
Conductor: Passengers, please do not use your valuables, or your child, to stop the train doors from closing!
--1 train
Black guy: I got me a ghetto Gold Card, son. It'll get you on the train, it'll get you on the bus.
--A train
Overheard by: Timothy C
Loudspeaker: Would anyone that speaks Chinese please report to the Amtrak Information booth in the center of the Terminal? Anyone that speaks Chinese.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: P. Mills
Chick: The cabdriver wouldn't let us leave the cab unless I showed him
my tits. That is so my away message tomorrow!
--LIRR train
Overheard by: Steve Carbo
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the delay in landing the aircraft, but the air traffic controller here at LaGuardia is an angry, bitter man.
--over LaGuardia
Overheard by: Dana Clair
Cop #1: What the fuck is that on your face?
Cop #2: It's a big pimple.
Cop #1: It's fucking gross, dude.
--33rd & 6th
Overheard by: Eric L.
Cop: Excuse me sir, did you drop this Metrocard?
Asian guy: Oh thank you so much, I've been looking for it all over the place!
Cop: You littered. Here's your ticket.
--Kew Gardens station
Overheard by: Ting
Woman in leggings: What the fuck is this shit? You gonna hand me three motherfucking sugar packets? Do you have any idea how big this coffee is?
Cashier: We don't put sugar in your coffee. Sugar packets are on the counter.
Woman in leggings: Listen, my boyfriend's a cop. And he owns, like, three Dunkin' Donuts franchises. What do you mean you won't put sugar in my fuckin' coffee? I want to speak to the manager.
Manager: Excuse me, but I heard you. There are sugar packets on the counter. Take as many as you like.
Woman in leggings: You guys are total assholes.
--Dunkin' Donuts, 96th & Broadway
Overheard by: ProcrastYNate
Suit #1: ...so he's got one hand on the car's aerial, and with the other hand he's punching a four inch by eight inch dent in the car, while running alongside. At this point it becomes destruction of property.
Suit #2: And that's when the campus police got involved?
--52nd & 6th
Overheard by: Meredith
Cop: Move it along, bub.
Hobo: What? I don't wanna move, I'm sleeping here.
Cop: I said move it, buddy.
Hobo: Why? I'm not bothering anyone, can I please stay, please, please?
Cop: OK, fine. Stay.
Hobo: I love you.
--Bay Ridge
Overheard by: C. Depp
Cop: Photos, painting and other stuff in a museum I appreciate, but this is just bedsheets to me.
--The Gates, CPW
Overheard by: Chris Holm
Traffic warden: You can park anywhere. I see people putting money in meters and they don't have to. It's free today. Tomorrow, New Year's Day, too.
Guy: Then why are you working today?
Traffic warden: Don't know. They pay me to.
--UWS
Three policemen are talking to a man inside Two Boots Pizza behind the security gate and locked front door, 9 am Sunday morning.
Cop: How did you get in here?
Man: I woke up here in the middle of the night!
Cop: Do you work here?
Man: No!
--Avenue A
Two boys were playing on a fire escape.
Boy #1: Okay. Now I'll be the policeman, and you be the fireworks on Coney Island.
--Windsor Terrace
Female Police Officer: So he calls me at 1:59 and tells me, 'I'm out with the guys and I won't be able to be home by 2.' So I say to him, 'Just don't come home at 6 am!' and he says okay and then he comes home at 5:59!
Male Police Officer: Why do you put up with this?
Female Police Officer: Because once you go Puerto Rican, you never go a-seekin'!
--Precinct 90, Williamsburg
Cop #1: That was a fun job. That was exciting.
Cop #2: Oh, come on.
Cop #1: When he said, "I'll go in, you stay here", I really thought we had a bomb there.
--Bay Parkway Subway Station
Cop: Come on, you're coming with me.
Educated youth: Naw, man! I got my third right amendment! My third right amendment!
["No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law."]
--42nd & 7th
Policeman: "...of course I would accept the money! Do I look like I'm rich?"
- Bedford L subway station