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All Married People Do This to Each Other
Chick: Oh, yeah, you were gonna call your mom.
Dude: I was?
Chick: Yeah -- about your sister.
Dude: Oh, yeah. What did you want me to ask her?
--Union Square
Overheard by: The Antithesis
Ummm, I'm the Pilot
Wife: Honey, she's the waitress.
Annoyed husband: She is not the waitress.
Wife: Yes, she is.
Annoyed husband: She's the stewardess.
--JetBlue, JFK
Overheard by: Jess McGins
In New Yorkese, That's "I Laugh at Anything Under 20K"
Valley girl: Ewww, what is that?
Boyfriend: That's a cab.
Valley girl: I want it.
Boyfriend: You want it?
Valley girl: I want to buy it!
Boyfriend, to cabbie: How much is it?
Cabbie: Get bent.
--Broadway
New York's Most Critical Couple Savages Another Musical Event
Woman, about Hairspray: Harold, except for the finale number, I thought it wasn't anything special. All the screaming and the jumping and the music...
Man: You're right, Doris.
Woman: You know what was the golden era of the Broadway? The really good shows, Harold?
Man: What were they, Doris?
Woman: The Cats, The Les Mis, The Phantoms... That was the zenith, Harold. This one -- I don't know what it is.
Man: Me neither, Doris. Me neither.
--52nd St
Overheard by: izzy
I Asked You to Puke on My Face
Girlfriend: Get up!
Boyfriend, lying flat on back with vomit on shirt: You are the worst girlfriend I've ever had.
--2nd Ave, between 10th & 11th St
Overheard by: Aaay
So He Dressed Up Like a Middle-Aged Lesbian?
Middle-aged man: Clint Eastwood dressed up like a woman?
Middle-aged woman: Well, he wore a poncho...
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Mupa-san
I Am So Telling Her about the Lipstick
Man: I love your mom.
Woman: What?! No you don't!
Man: I always speak well of her.
Woman: No, you don't.
Man: I don't say, 'I gave your mom 20 bucks for a cab home last night.' I don't say, 'Tell your mom to stop changing her lipstick -- my dick looks like a rainbow.' I don't say, 'After meeting your mom, all my friends have herpes.' In fact, I don't say anything rude at all.
Woman, cell ringing: It's mom calling.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Dave
Nothing a Bouquet of Flowers or Some Vagisil Can't Fix
Chick: She's a little angry right now.
Guy: Who, my mom or your cooch?
--4 train
Overheard by: Rachie
... Surrounded by Kids with Heart Disease
Old Brit, pointing to float: Who is that?
Wife: Oh, come on, Bill.
Old Brit: No, really. Is it Joey the Clown or something?
Wife: It's a symbol of America!
Old Brit: [Confused silence.]
Wife: It's Ronald McDonald!
--Macy's Parade, Columbus Circle
We Really Want an Amendment to Protect This?
Wife: Well, we need to hurry. They're waiting downstairs.
Husband: Well, I was ready to go ages ago. I'm hot, tired, and my rash is spreading.
--Macy's
Overheard by: Becca
So, You Knew about That?
Girlfriend: Wait, I don't get it.
Boyfriend: Awww, honey, you're so adorable when you have no idea what's going on.
Girlfriend: ... Faggot!
--Waverly Pl & University
If You Do, I'll Show You My Extensions
Boyfriend: Have you ever had a weave? Or, like, extensions?
Girlfriend: No! Do I look black to you?
--LIRR
You Mean Like Bacon?
Boyfriend: So, my buddy's celebrating Rosh Hashanah tomorrow, and he said he'll bring me some matzah ball soup.
Girlfriend: He's celebrating what? And giving you what?
Boyfriend: Some Jewish holiday. Some Jewish food.
Girlfriend: Ah.
--2 train
Overheard by:
Alice: I Could Go for Some Dwarfs
Husband: Geez! Alls you do is sit on your ass and play with the kids.
Wife: I'm sorry I am not Carol-freaking-Brady! We have six fucking kids and I still have no Alice! Give me a break and cook dinner your-fucking-self! The kids are eating PB&J -- end of discussion.
Husband: The Brady Bunch was for me like Snow White was for you.
Wife: But the dwarfs here don't whistle while they work. I still want Alice!
Husband: You always get the last word. I can't top that! Dammit!
--Soho
Overheard by: Laura
Maybe You Haven't
Girlfriend: I was so sick yesterday until I finally went to the doctor.
Boyfriend: Oh, no! What was wrong?
Girlfriend: Well, um, you'll find out anyway... I had a UTI. I mean, it's not an STD, but you can get it from sex...
Boyfriend: But we haven't been doing it that much!
--1 train
I Share Their Utilitarian Philosophy, Especially Regarding Titties
Girl cooing at boyfriend: You know, I just wanted a mature guy -- they're so rare! And you're very mature in your outlook.
Boyfriend: I am mature. I'm glad you see th-- Oh, look -- Playboy Enterprises!
--5th Ave
... Without the Ball-Gag.
Middle-aged man: I like these hats they're selling. Oh, look at the one on her head! That looks warm.
Forlorn wife: That's her real hair. She has dreadlocks.
Middle-aged man: Oh, my! You can't take me anywhere.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Dizzle
He Knows
Punk girl: The two of you seemed to get along at the party.
Mechanic guy: Yeah, he's cool. We should hang out more.
Punk girl: You're kidding, right? You're so not getting all BFF with my husband.
Mechanic guy: Why not? Because we're fucking? He has no idea.
Punk girl: My husband and my side fuck can not be friends. It just doesn't work.
--W train
Overheard by: green with envy
Yasser Takes Way Too Long in Front of the Monets
Husband: We'll go to the museum around four.
Wife: I don't know...
Husband: Come on, Marge. You love everyone at the museum. Except Yasser Arafat.
--Hampton Inn
Overheard by: Leah
Thanks. My Feet Feel Better Now.
20-ish female tourist: My feet are killing me. I shouldn't have worn heels.
20-ish boyfriend: Heels aren't that bad. I wore them and a dress for a play in eighth grade.
20-ish female tourist: My dad loves dressing up as a woman.
--C train, Port Authority
Although You Do Get Pretty Excited When I Just Lie There
Girlfriend: I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I just keep falling asleep at the oddest times. I think I may be suffering from necrophilia.
Boyfriend: I sure hope you mean narcolepsy.
Girlfriend: Oh, yeah. I always get those confused.
Boyfriend: Well, as long as it's only the definitions that you confuse and not the symptoms...
--Grand Central
Have You Been Trying on Wigs Again?
Woman, while hugging man: What is this?
Man: Huh?
Woman, picking hair off his shirt: This is not my hair!
--42nd St station
Overheard by: Geneedwin
A Little-Known Clause in the AA Handbook
Boyfriend in sing-song voice: You drank like a fi-ish!
Girlfriend: So what? So did you.
Boyfriend: Well, I was coming off the summer of fuck, so it was alright.
--West Village
Now Help Me Apply Direct Pressure before I Bleed Out
Wife, playing Uno: Skip, skip, skip, skip, wild card, draw four, blue, draw two, uno, I win.
Husband: Wow. I'm bleeding.
Wife: I hope it's from the ass, because that's where I just raped you.
Husband: God, I love you.
--Central Park
Let's Hope She Finds the Coathangers Next Time
Chick changing baby on bedding display: Do we need to buy this pillow now?
Hubby: Did he shit on it?
Chick: I don't think.
Hubby, smelling pillow: S'all good.
Chick, holding dirty diaper and wipes: Where's that shelf with the trash cans?
--Target, Queens
Headline by: Redneck Jedi
Runners-Up:
· "Mentioning Britney Spears Would Just Be Too Easy" - chelsea
· "Over There, Under the Security Cameras" - Katy
· "Over by That Sense Of Decency You Apparently Can't Afford." - Beryl
· "The New York Native Living Off The Land" - harris
· "Wait.. for the Baby or the Diaper..?" - Mike N.
· "Where Do They Think They Are? WalMart?" - Bill
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Too Late!
Teen boyfriend: I've been watching you.
Teen girlfriend: Ummm...
Teen boyfriend: No, no, don't worry -- not in, like, the creepy 'I've been watching you'-way.
--Central Park
These Days, My Intelligence Is Globally Distributed
Guy: I liked it. What'd you think?
Date: It was okay, I guess. I don't know about the ending, though.
Guy: Well, I'm pretty sure it has some deeper meaning. I'll have to check some message boards and find out.
--Regal Cinemas, Union Square
Pop Quiz: To Which of These Women Is This Conversation Most Insulting?
Girlfriend: Come on, I really wanna see that movie about Jane Austen.
Boyfriend: She was the one that lived with the chimpanzees, right?
Girlfriend: No, that was Jane Seymour.
--38th & Lex
Your Grandfather Had a Boyfriend? That's So Cool!
Boyfriend: Have you ever heard of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas?
Girlfriend: No, wait... Isn't that your grandfather?
Boyfriend: No... My grandfather's boyfriend was a kleptomaniac. Every Christmas my grandfather would have to rip all the tags off of everything so that no one would know that his boyfriend stole all the gifts.
--6 train
Let's Just Hope They Don't Write Their Own Vows
Girl: You're so strong and handsome!
Guy: You're so skinny and fuckable.
--East Village
And You Should Be Able to Understand Why I Bit Down
Guy: It's just that, well, fucking you didn't live up to my fantasy of fucking you.
Girl, after long pause: Yeah, I guess I can understand that...
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Devin
Wow, Med School Is Really Paying Off
Dude with insane tattoos and piercings: I hope there's someone sitting in my seat.
Girlfriend with insane tattoos and piercings: Why?
Dude with insane tattoos and piercings: So I can crush his larynx!
--JFK
Overheard by: wrong row, wrong time
God Sentenced Him to Eternity in the Dr. Phil House
Black guy: So, are we going to fuck tonight, or what?
White girl: I can't, I have my period.
Black guy: Your mouth isn't bleeding, is it?
White girl, giggling: Okay, fine.
--F train
Overheard by: Carrie
Every Lifetime Movie, in a Nutshell
Girl: Get the fuck outta here! I'll fucking kill you!
Guy: So, I was thinking about...
Girl: I just threatened your life and you have nothing to say?!
Guy, shrugging: I love you.
--Park Ave
Overheard by: LiveNY
Congratulations! You've Just Become Obsolete.
Chick: Are you coming right home after work? I need sex so badly.
Guy: Yeah, I can tell... Why don't you use your Valentine's Day gift?
Chick: The Rabbit? It's not the same.
Guy: Why isn't it the same?
Chick: Well, it doesn't talk.
Guy: Wait -- so if it talked, you wouldn't need me at all? Is that what you're saying?
Chick: Um... No?
--Carnegie John's, 56th & 7th
Overheard by: cheech
Who Are You?
Guy: I love you like I love sliced chicken...
Girl: Huh?
Guy: ... And I love sliced chicken.
--Mo Pitkin's
Should We Even Stay for the Movie, Then?
Girl: This popcorn is soft. I hate soft popcorn.
Guy: I know, I hate soft-core, too. It's such a tease.
Girl: No, no. I was talking about the popcorn -- it's soft. But I agree: if there is no penetration, it's not worth my time.
--Ziegfeld Theater
For Some Reason, after That Game We Drifted Apart
Guy, as David Wright comes up to bat and stadium erupts with cheers: Oooh, all the girls want David Wright.
Girlfriend: He's pretty good-looking... He's a hottie.
Guy: I'd totally do him... Yep, I would fuck David Wright even if he wasn't on the Mets.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Moving a few rows back...
... So I Maced Him.
College girl: Whenever I tell anyone that I was there when you dislocated your shoulder they ask if it's my fault 'cause we were having sex.
20-ish guy: Hahaha! Yeah, me, too. I had one guy ask me, 'Did it happen while you were [pelvic thrusts] uh, uh, uh?'
College girl, excitedly: That's exactly what my dad said!
--Riverside Park
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Dare We Ask about the "New Anal"?
Girl wielding pen: Sometimes I want to write on your face.
Guy: That's okay. Sometimes I want to cum on your face.
Girl: Yeah, I know you do. I saw your porn collection.
Guy: So sue me. But look, I'm not talking about covering your face in jizz. Just a little on the side.
Girl: A little on the side?
Guy: Like on your cheek or the corner of your mouth.
Girl: I don't think so.
Guy: You should. It's only polite. Especially if you like me. It's like the new swallowing.
--Fish Bar, East Village
Overheard by: John-John
A Dumb Bitch Who Just Took Your Wallet, Bucko
Fat guy: I love you.
Cute girl: Do you really mean what you say, or are you just saying it?
Fat guy: Of course I mean it. [They make out, then chick leaves.] What a dumb bitch.
--W4 station
Overheard by: Ting
I Liked the Music, but Not the Sodomy
Boyfriend: I used to really love South Pacific.
Girlfriend: Of course you did.
Boyfriend: I think I used to be gay when I was little.
--Manhattan-bound N train
It Leered at Me and Gave Me the Finger
Tourist hubby to wifey who jumped up from taking a seat: What happened?
Tourist woman, disgusted: I just saw some dirt!
--4 train
Someone's Getting the Teeth Tonight
Girl: ... And then I was like--
Guy, exhausted after 10 minutes of her chattering: --Are you on your knees?
Girl: What? No.
Guy: Then shut your mouth.
--A train
Overheard by: thinking the same
Maybe If You'd Stop Comparing My Penis to Fermented Vegetables...
Blonde: What? I can't say 'I want to fuck my Korean boyfriend' out loud in here?
Embarrassed Asian guy: Please not here. Keep your voice down. We'll talk about it when we get home.
Blonde: What's a girl gotta do to get some kimchi around here? I'm dying. You've got to give up the goods more.
--Duane Reade
I Don't Need to Take This from a Pregnant Stripper
Angry girl: What do you mean you didn't fuck up?
Boyfriend: I didn't fuck up!
Angry girl: You got a stripper pregnant! You fucked up!
--Sandwich shop, Bleecker
Overheard by: Catie
Dr. Frankenstein Promised Me Free Upgrades
Girl maker-outer, pulling away: Why you so ugly?
Guy maker-outer: Don't you worry 'bout that, baby. [They continue making out.]
--F train
Overheard by: steph
I'd Even Be Comfortable with Your Discomfort
Tall blonde: I just don't think I'd be comfortable on a nude beach.
Boyfriend: I would be.
--Union Square West
Overheard by: Michelle