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There's No Right Time to See "Losing Louie"
Overdressed ticket agent: So, Losing Louie got awful reviews, but if we've learned nothing else, it's to never see a show about a funeral the day after a funeral.
Appropriately dressed ticket agent: Yeah, that must be rough... Like that time I saw Wicked right after my friend melted.
--915 Broadway
... With a Demonstration
Editor to sales conference: ... And we think this book will do rather well.
Sales rep: One thing -- what's a succubus?
Editor: A succubus is a sex demon. I'm sorry. I should have made that clear.
--Office, 55th & Broadway
Battle of the Dead White Europeans
Office drone #1: Yo, what ya got in there? That's Mozart, right?
Office drone #2: No, man, it's Beethoven! You got a problem with that?
--9 MetroTech Center
Overheard by: Cap'n MidNite
And Correlate Them to Market Trends, Will You?
Female trader: Oh my god, I've been so busy lately.
Eager new hire: Is there anything I can help you with?
Female trader: Well, I've actually been too busy to read ABC blog* and XYZ blog* today. If you could write me up a summary, that would be great.
Eager new hire: Uh, sure.
--Trading Floor
Overheard by: PageSixisBetter
Just When You Thought It Would Be Cool to Have a Personal Troubadour
Guy on office phone: Is that because of your placenta?
Guy next to him, singing: Is that because of your placentaaa?
--25th & Madison
Overheard by: Shan Agra
So at First I Didn't Distinguish Him from the Other New Yorkers
Receptionist #1: Ewww, this man at school was trying to hit on me.
Receptionist #2: What was wrong with him?
Receptionist #1: He was nasty! He looked like half-homeless man and half-terrorist.
--1177 6th Ave
Overheard by: red
No -- Chickens, Not Roger!
Guy on radio #1: The chickens are in the lift. Repeat, the chickens are in the lift.
Guy on radio #2: Roger.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Alex
Without First Tending to My Bikini Area
Male attorney: You're wearing a dress? But you have to be in court today!
Female attorney: With as much respect as I have for the New York City supreme court judges, they're lucky I'm wearing a dress. I should be wearing a... a... a bikini.
--Law office, Midtown
That and This Cattle Prod
Salesguy #1, about teen crowd blocking the door: Do you want to tell them to leave?
Salesguy #2: No.
Salesguy #1: Why not?
Salesguy #2: Because I don't want to get my ass whooped, that's why! [Teens leave a few minutes later.] See, they're gone! It's all in the power of positive thinking!
--T-Mobile Store, 732 Broadway
Put That Hose Away, Would Ya?
Fireman #1: You never hook me up!
Fireman #2: Uh...
Fireman #1: How many years have I known you, and you never once hooked me up?
Fireman #3: Well, that's 'cause you're disgusting.
--Fire Dept., Great Jones St
So Much for Learning by Osmosis
Receptionist of 30 years: Is 'lawsuit' one word or two?
Intern: Uh, I believe it's two.
Receptionist, to herself: Lawsuit. Lawsuit. Lawsuit. It should be two. I always wondered why they called it a suit. It doesn't wear a jacket or pants. Oh, but the attorneys do. Maybe that's why -- because the attorneys have to wear suits to court. Wow, I can't believe I figured that out after so many years.
Boss, walking in from next office: So! Linda! Have you thought some more about the retirement package you were offered?
--Law firm, Midtown
Why You Never See Toucan Sam Commercials Anymore
Building super #1: You seen that bird we got in the courtyard? That thing got a mad long beak.
Building super #2: It's probably a woodpecker.
Building super #1: It ain't no fuckin' woodpecker! Someone need to call the ASPCA or some shit before that thing bite someone and give 'em bird flu or some shit!
--2 train, 14th St
Overheard by: Chuckell
Do You Believe Energy Can't Be Created or Destroyed?
Young physicist: So, dude, are you gonna be around in a few months?
Old physicist: I sure hope so.
--Museum of Natural History
You Should Swim
Employee #1: So, if a nine-eleven happens, I need to stand across the park?
Employee #2: You gotta get away from tall buildings.
Employee #1: Hell, if a nine-eleven happens, I'm going to Long Island. Nobody cares about Long Island.
--Jamba Juice, 22nd & 5th
Conductor, Direct Thyself
Male conductor over the speakers: This is the express train! Next stop: Roosevelt Avenue.
Female conductor over the speakers: Shit, this is the express?!
--E train, Queens Plaza station
Might Be Time for Career Movement
Male employee: I need to take a crap.
Girl coworker: Thanks for sharing.
Male employee: I have been waiting, though.
Girl coworker: Why?
Male employee: Because after that the highlight of my work day is done.
--N Manhattan Ave
True, but He Only Does It Every Five Days
Guy, about colleague's showering habits: Yea, you know, I have an eye for that kinda stuff. Need to make sure people stay clean 'n fresh 'round me. Know what I'm sayin'?
Girl: Are you sure? Because--
Guy: --Nah, yo. He must shower early in the morning or late at night. Or else somewhere in between.
--On the bus
Overheard by: Nabz
Wait, Back Up. Why Can't You Go Anymore?
Female employee #1: You need to go to church.
Female employee #2: Hell no, I can't go to church anymore [laughs mischievously].
Female employee #1: You don't go to church?
Female employee #2: Uh-uh.
Female employee #1: Whatever! Yo, at my church, like, gangs and shit be comin' on Sundays. The Crips are all on one side and the Bloods all on the other. It's crazy. They be wearin' their colors and shit, too.
--Century 21
Rats Flee Your Mighty Shadow
Coworker #1: Is it just me, or are the rats in New York getting smaller? Seriously!
Coworker #2: Maybe you're just getting bigger.
--D train platform, Rockefeller Center
Suffers from Menthol Deficiency
Woman #1: Oooh, I really like the smell of whatever you're eating or wearing. What is that?
Woman #2: A cough drop.
Woman #1: What kind?
Woman #2: Hall's.
Woman #1: Oooh, that's really nice.
--Elevator, McCann Erickson office
Every Straight Man. Every Single Time.
Girl holding tally sheet: Do you want to stick this in my thinger?
Male coworker: You're lucky it's me. In the real world--
Girl holding tally sheet: --In the real world people wouldn't take it there.
--NYU SCPS
Overheard by: she's lucky i'm gay
Masturbate to Catwoman Porn?
Middle-aged female employee: What are you going to do while I'm gone?
Young male employee: I dunno -- whatever Batman does when Alfred's not around.
--Wendy's, 33rd & 8th
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
They Don't Pay Me Enough to Care Who Explodes
MTA announcer: ... And if you see any suspicious packages, please report them to the nearest MTA employee.
MTA guy cleaning platform: No, don't tell me nothin'. I don't wanna know nothin'.
--7 train platform, Woodside
Overheard by: Hipster#3
Or Just Get One of Those Meat T-Shirts
Shopgirl #1: T-shirt! Deep-fry your t-shirt, and then he'll be all, 'Mmm!' and eat it off you!
Shopgirl #2: Yeah.
--Borders
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Must've Been Some Christening Last Night
Young office peon: Stan*, I have a question, but first, how are you this morning?
Old office peon: Well, I had only four hours of sleep, I am still very drunk, and even though I showered, I still have stripper stank on me... So, what was your question?
Young office peon: Never mind.
Old office peon: Okay, cool.
--Queens
Gimme a Hand with This Back Flap, Okay?
Receptionist #1: Yo, my skin is peeling off.
Receptionist #2: Why?
Receptionist #1: 'Cause I'm gross!
--1177 6th Ave
Overheard by: retarded receptionist
But Don't Hold Your Breath
Dude: Thanks for showing me that in the computer program.
Chick: Sure! I like to give everyone a piece once in a while.
--Tunnel St, Chinatown
Should It Be Meth?
Junior analyst #1: I know this guy who is such a typical I-banker -- works a hundred hours a week on Wall Street and spends the rest of his time on strippers and coke.
Junior analyst #2: That's so '80s!
Junior analyst #1: Totally '80s!
--LaGuardia Delta shuttle
My Secret: I Hide Tequila under My Traffic Cones
Middle-aged crossing guard lady #1: G'mornin', sweetheart! You look tired!
Middle-aged crossing guard lady #2: Oh, honey, I'm so hungover...
Passing child, to parent: On a Tuesday?
--7th & 8th, Park Slope
Resistance Was Futile
Lawyer #1: The first date I ever went on with my wife I took her to a lecture about the physics of Star Trek.
Lawyer #2: Man, what a smooth operator you are.
--Civil Court, 141 Livingston St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Just Some Sparring, Followed by Spooning
Waiter #1: So, Todd called me last night.
Waiter #2: Did you pound him?
--Varick St
Even If I Do Have a Master's in Regurgitation
Man: Dude, your marketing department -- they're like a bunch of baby birds!
Woman: I know! And I'm sick of throwing up in their mouths.
--57th & 5th
Without Drugs, Manhattan Would Cease to Exist
Worker #1: I just took a Xanax.
Worker #2: I just took a Vicodin.
Worker #1: Wow, we're like a little pharmacy back here.
Worker #2: Yeah, my back really hurts.
Worker #1: Yeah, my life hurts.
--Think Coffee, Mercer St
Overheard by: kevin
Well, I Didn't Get a Good Look at His "Field"...
Male professor: Oh, by the way, I saw Professor Ames* when I was in Chicago last weekend.
Female dean: Oh! Is he still as hot as he always was?
Male professor: [Blank stare.]
Female dean: ... In his field...
--NYU
I Ask You, Are These the Pecs of a 40-Year-Old?
Host: ... But they wanted to see my tattoos...
Hostess: I don't care what they wanted to see, you don't take your shirt off at a six-year-old's birthday party!
--Birthday party, Clinton Hill, Brooklyn
Unless It's the One that Says "Punch Me in the Face"
Male employee #1 refolding shit-load of shirts: If I ever see a girl on the street wearing one of these shirts, I'm gonna punch her in the face.
Male employee #2: Yeah.
--Urban Outfitters, 11th & 2nd
Overheard by: Shelby
So He Paid Them to Fight Each Other While He Watched
Worker #1: Wasn't he friends with Angelo?
Worker #2: No, Angelo hated him. Angelo hired two bums to beat the crap out of him around the corner.
--32nd & 2nd
I Have Lost My Ability to Pick Up a Hanging Plant
Counter girl #1 : That's that shit you gotta get -- a douche.
Counter girl #2 : Nah, I don't fuck around with that shit.
Counter girl #1 : No, but that's what gets you tight again!
Counter girl #2 : Oh, then I definitely need to get me some of that!
--Duane Reade, 88th & Broadway
Overheard by: Evan
Ferlinghetti: Eh, I've Made Worse Rhymes
Coworker chick #1: You ready, spaghetti?
Coworker chick #2: [Silence.]
Coworker chick #1: Well?!
Coworker chick #2: Wait, I'm thinking.
Coworker chick #1: Oh, okay.
Coworker chick #2: Like Lawrence Ferlinghetti!
--84th & 3rd
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
But Then We'd Be Stuck with Cheney
Man in elevator A: Hey, Bob!
Man in elevator B, across the hall: Oh! Hi there! [Doors close.] He should just resign.
--Actors' Equity building
Overheard by: Cat
I Just Want to Thin-Slice Them
Cheese shop girl: 'I want a hard cheese...' Ugh! Hard like Parmesan or--
Cheese shop guy: --I fucking hate people who order by texture!
--F station, Bergen St
Overheard by: Maddy
Witness Protection Rule #198: When Asked about Your Past, Act Stoned
Boss calling out from office: Eric*, what's your city of birth?
Employee #1: Oh, I don't know. I put down a variety of places.
Employee #2: You don't know your city of birth?
Employee #1: Well, it's either the town or the city it's near... The place... It's like an umbrella.
Employee #2: Oh.
--Hedge fund office, 57th & 5th
Overheard by: the silent temp
Sure, on Work Release
Old lady employee: His boss hired a lawyer for him.
Young lady employee: Oh, so he's still working?
Old lady employee: What?
Young lady employee: Are you telling me he works during the day and then he goes back to jail at night?
Old lady employee: Girl, are you sure you went to college?
--Office, 5th Ave
They're All Gay at Mardi Gras
Suit: Sometimes I want to ask Dan* if he's gay. I can't figure out if he is or not.
Woman: Is he flamboyant?
Suit: Yeah, but that could be because he's a southerner.
--550 Madison Ave
Overheard by: DrDorn
He's Working His Way Up to "The Star Spangled Banner"
Stall #1: [Fart.]
Stall #2: Who are you?
Stall #1: [Fart.]
Stall #2: Thanks.
--Men's room, CCNY
So You'd Know What Kidney Failure Tastes Like
Employee #1: My pee was so brown this morning! It looked like apple juice.
Employee #2: You should have tasted it.
--JackRabbit running store
Let Me Apply Some Sunblock
Cop #1: It smells like bacon.
Cop #2: Sorry.
--W 47th St
I Don't Think You Quite Grasp This Manliness Business
Electric guy to himself: Where's my gloves?
Grip guy: Gloves? I don't use gloves. I use my bare hands like a man! Only pussies use gloves. Are you a pussy? Be a man, ya pussy.
Electric guy: But then my skin will get all dry and crack and stuff.
Grip guy: Duh, well, yeah. That's why you have to moisturize.
--Movie set of I Am Legend
Overheard by: Another electric guy
And Mimimal Deadbabyage
Passenger #1: Boy, this elevator is slow! It's worse than in the projects!
Passenger #2: Yeah, but there's less urine here.
Passenger #3: Less throw up, too.
--Elevator, office building, Midtown
But He Keeps Getting Stopped by Border Patrol
Trendy girl: Yeah, well, it's cheaper to steal cars in the US than to import them.
Fellow employee: Yeah, so he steals these cars and takes them way the hell out to the middle of nowhere... Like, Brooklyn...
--Office elevator, Park Ave South
Overheard by: way too much time on my hands
Wednesday One-Liners Used the Rhythm Method
Girl: Last time you told me something was overrated I got pregnant.
--Sephora, Broadway
Overheard by: linzz
Guy: ... So then she changed her middle name to something like "Afterbirth..."
--Spring St
Overheard by: boston bobby
College guy on cell: He was like, 'Shit, she's got a bun in the oven!' And I was like, 'Oh, shit!'
--Columbia University
Overheard by: roo
Chick: She said he talked to her on the phone and that's how he got her pregnant.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Wondering how that works
Preggers: I'm gonna across this street against the light, pregnant and all, and I'm not gonna have a miscarriage.
--Eastern Pkwy & Classon Ave, Crown Heights, Brooklyn
Employee to another: I only gained two pounds during my pregnancy, and I'm on my seventh month!
--Burger King, 5th Ave, between 36th & 37th
Overheard by: EE Grimshaw
NYU girl on cell: ... So then the doctor comes in and he goes, 'Houston, we have a problem..." I know, right? What's with doctors trying to be all funny when they're telling you that you're pregnant?
--NYU bus
Overheard by: tj
Will You Split the Payoff with Us?
Airport worker #1: Did you hear about that old black fireman in L? Called himself 'The Big Dog,' so the other white fire fighters snuck dog food into his food and then teased him with barking noises for weeks after...
Airport worker #2: No.
Airport worker #1: He sued for discrimination and got, like, a million dollars.
Airport worker #2: That reminds me, we've thought about sneaking you cat food.
--JFK
Overheard by: AJ
When She Gets Mad at One, I Trot Out Another
Male coworker: ... And that's how I lost all feeling in my fingers.
Female coworker: Man, that's fucked up.
Male coworker: I am fucked up. I used to try and have four different personalities.
Female coworker: I remember that. You still doing that shit?
Male coworker: Only with my girlfriend.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Jacqui
Anything in the Middle of Nowhere Counts As 'Down South'
Haitian worker #1: Yo, no offense, but that's what I don't like about black girls.
Haitian worker #2: Yeah...
Haitian worker #1: You gotta find yourself a good white girl. And not just one from, like, Baltimore, 'cause they mad ghetto. You gotta find a good white girl from, like, Indianapolis, You know, down South.
--Gray's Papaya, Chelsea
It's Wonderful How Women Listen to Each Other
PR woman #1: So, my cousin's test on her biopsy showed that it was cancerous...
PR woman #2: Girl, that nuttin'. My best friend's sister's husband -- he's a doctor -- was drivin' to the city from New Jersey yesterday, got outta his car and got run over by a truck.
--Union Square station
Overheard by: drfunk
Acute Case of Wednesday One-Liners
Female coworker to another: You look so cute! I didn't recognize you!
--Hudson & Vandam
Buff man carrying small, pink, frilly umbrella: I better not hear anyone call me cute.
--Canal & Mulberry
Overheard by: Courtney Messer
Chick on cell: Mom, cute is a puppy dog. Cute is an Anne Geddes photo. Cute is not a 25-year-old guy fluent in sarcasm. Stop trying to set me up with him.
--Hudson St
Woman looking at Salvador Dali painting: That is so cute!
--Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: Does she kill puppies for fun?
I Couldn't Work Here without Meth
Salesgirl: Hey. Wow, you look really bad!
Salesguy: Gee, thanks.
Salesgirl: It's just that your eyes are all bloodshot. And your skin is kind of grey.
Salesguy: Oh, that.
--American Apparel, Broadway
What's the Bad News?
Tall blonde: Didn't you say you were getting an ice cream cake? I'm so confused.
Short blonde: There was no time for both, so that'll have to be another break a little later.
Tall blonde: Ah, okay. I just was worried about it sitting in Accounting, so I went to get it and they had no idea what I was talking about.
Short blonde: Oh, no, no. Plus, I couldn't carry all three. The good news -- Mylar won't melt.
--25th & Broadway
Overheard by: prciosasoy
Wednesday One-Liners Wouldn't Say They're Missing Work
Manager to resigned employee: It's okay. If I worked here I'd be looking for another job as well.
--Barnes & Noble, Park Slope
Guy pleading into cell: Give me a break! So I have sex with one fuckin' coworker...
--Lafayette & Spring
Overheard by: Jeff in Soho
Late-40s guy: When you get to be my age it's hard to make the big money, to become rich. Sure, I could get a job, but that's not me.
--Bus, Port Authority
Overheard by: How long is this bus ride?
Suit: I mean, if I'm gonna fuck a fatty it's going to be one I don't have to see at work on Monday.
--6 train, Astor Place
Bike messenger: I could die at any time. That's why my job is so great. I clock in for doom.
--37th & Broadway
What? I Saw It in a Movie
40-something lady suit: Well, I don't want to work with her anymore.
Young male suit: She's so high-strung all the time. She needs a vacation or somethi--
40-something lady suit: --What she needs is to set aside a Saturday and get fucked by 10 men at the same time.
--81st & Central Park West
Overheard by: Zenana
Already Taken Care Of
Clerk #1: Did you know that there are a whole bunch of copies of Atlas Shrugged in the Bestsellers section?
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Clerk #1: Is it okay if I pee on them?
--Info desk, Strand Bookstore
They Say That on Quiet Nights a Hairless Specter Stalks the Terminal
TSA agent #1 pointing at escalator: ... And she fell right around here, her hair gets caught right there... And it just rips her scalp right off.
TSA agent #2: Oh, dear god...
--Terminal 4, JFK
He Settled for a Baked Stuffed Potato Frappé
Worker #1: What do you want?
Worker #2: Iced tea.
Worker #1, checking at Wendy's: They don't have iced tea. What do you want?
Worker #2: Mashed potatoes.
--Court St, Brooklyn
Internecine Rivalries are Just What the Post Office Wants!
DHL guy: Hey, you going to 5-5-1-3? Take this over there for me.
FedEx lady: Nigga, you know there's no 'FedEx' in 'team.'
--55th floor, Empire State Building
Overheard by: Guy Smiley
He'll Grow into Them
Female coworker: So, does your son have dark hair like you?
Male coworker: No, he has sort of sandy hair -- like a cross between me and his mom, Lisa.
Female coworker: Oh.
Male coworker: But, you know, he has big nipples like Lisa.
--NJ Transit train
The Greatest Bronx Tale Ever Told
Physician #1: Hey, if you want, there's gonna be a meeting on the night of the 16th.
Physician #2: I can't. I'll be in the Holy Land that week.
Physician #1: You're gonna be in the Bronx?
--North Shore Hospital
Overheard by: Nik G
I Said I Just Whacked Off
Coworker #1: So what've you been up to?
Coworker #2: The usual. Just whacked off.
Coworker #1: Dude, you're on speakerphone.
--Office, Midtown
Overheard by: Madeline
The Sign Just Says 'Shirt' and 'Shoes'
Receptionist #1: Can you just please go to McDonald's for me?
Receptionist #2: Fine, let me just take off my pants.
--57th & Broadway
Overheard by: Bdizzle
Ladies and Gentlemen: Finally, the Reason the 7 Train Smells Like That
Employee #1: Did you know one company will fly you to outer space for $40 million?
Employee #2: I would never do that. I'd shit myself.
Employee #1: I shit myself even going to Queens!
--Broad & Beaver
Wednesday One-Liners Know How to Dicker
Little gangster kid: Yo, the last time I went fishing I got a fishing lure stuck in my dick.
--Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Hobo: Everybody's somebody on my dick!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Rebecca
Girl, to male co-worker: Can you be a little more subtle and not such a dick-swinger about your Amstel Light?
--Conde Nast Bldg, 57th & 8th
Overheard by: Kenzi
Woman: At least I don't suck dicks for free!
--Broadway and Putnam, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Tommi
Drunk college student: My redeeming factor is I will suck fucking dick to make money.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: dank
Guy on cell: Take it like a bowl of dicks.
--14th & 5th
Overheard by: Johnny Bonsanto
Fat guy: So I asked her, and she gave me her number, and then it was disconnected. So I went back the next week, and she wasn't working there anymore. So I wondered, did she quit her job just to avoid sucking my dick?
--Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: Caroline
Eh, It's Just Baby Fat. He'll Grow Into It.
Female clerk #1: He's about 300 pounds now!
Female clerk #2: There's something wrong with that baby.
--Staples, Union Square West
When he Started to Bomb me Over Christmas Break, That Was the Last Straw
Volunteer #1: So, any presidents this week?
Volunteer #2: No, only Henry Kissinger.
Volunteer #1: Oh, I went to high school with him and his brother. They both asked me out, but I wasn't going to go out with a German refugee.
--The Guggenheim
Overheard by: ash
Mickey Told Me the First One Was Free
Intern: Have you ever been to Disney World?
Employee: Yes, when I was 8. It was when I had my first cigarette.
--3rd Ave
Scenes From the Day Before the Queens Blackout
Some Con Ed workers are standing around a manhole, peeking in and looking confused.
Con Ed worker: Just put some tape on it!
--43rd St & 30th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Jennifer Cuatt
If She Says a Swingline Stapler, Hire Her. Or Smack Her.
Girl: I have another interview at 3:00 today.
Guy: Didn't you already hire someone?
Girl: Yeah, but this is that Harvard grad. I want to know which office supply she would be.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Peter H
A Scene from the Latest Leslie Nielsen Movie
Guy: My eye won't stop twitching.
Girl: Maybe you should have thought of that before you wiped sarin on the counter. Oh, oops, I just realized that the subway is a bad place to talk about work.
--E train
Has He Learned Nothing in Four Years?
Intern suit: So how do I get that pre-freshman to give me a handjob?
Girl: Do you realize that you're graduating from college soon, and you're asking me this?
--60th & Lex
Overheard by: grossed out
It's Important to Have a Routine
Hobo, suddenly lunging at random female customer: My meat! My meat! My meat! You took my meat! I saw you! You put it in that cart! My meat!
Gristedes staff converge on the old man who is dragged away, still clinging to the woman.
Manager, shaking his head: Yesterday, and again today, Jimmy!
--Gristedes, 1st Ave between 73 & 72
Overheard by: Emily Duncanson
Hazing for The Voice
Coworker chick #1: Do you guys remember [Becky Thatcher]?
Coworker girl crowd: Yes!
Coworker chick #1: Well, I waited on her once!
Coworker chick #2: Yo, did you ask her why she burned down that float?
--84th & 3rd
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja
He's Practically in Jersey
Annoucement: Attention transit police. Please respond. There is a passenger harrassing peeople on the southbound platform.
Wait 30 seconds... Announcement repeats three times. Guy on platform takes off his headphones.
Headphone guy: Wait -- What was that about the harrassing?
Other guy on platform: Oh, you don't have to worry -- he's on the southbound platform.
Headphone guy [puts his headphones on again]: Cool.
--18th St 1/9 stop, northbound platform
Overheard by: diana
Those Victims D-e-s-e-r-v-e-d It
Old man: I don't like to see musicals about awful historical events, like the French Revolution. Or the Holocaust.
Guy: Or spelling bees?
Old man: No, that one was pretty good.
--Office, Wall & Broadway
No, He Rages Against the Dying of the Light
Store guy #1: Did you hear that JT Leroy is a fake? He never existed.
Store guy #2: What? Dude, are you serious?
Store guy #1: It's true. The New York Times proved it with like receipts and shit. Billy Corgan must be rolling over in his grave.
Store guy #2: Wait, Billy Corgan's dead?
--Kim's Video, St. Marks Place
A Long, Rambling, Incoherent Scream
Manager guy: You looking for the perfect bag now?
Director lady: There's nothing festive. I don't want to be seen walking with a Duane Reade bag. It screams beggar.
--Office, 39th between 8th & 9th
Overheard by: Frank I
I Doubt She Has to Worry About Being Educated
Girl: I can't get food for you guys tomorrow. I have school. I am not
leaving school just to come here and get food for all of us.
Guy: You know education isn't going to feed you.
Girl: That's funny, because my boyfriend said to me last night that
education wasn't going to get me married.
--Office, Old Slip & South
Overheard by: Ioulia Fedorova
Hair Today, Heard Tomorrow (NYC Short Stories)
Accounting lady: What did you do to your hair?
Mailroom guy: It's called the wet look.
Accounting lady: Oh yeah? What's that?
Mailroom guy: I sprinkle some water on my head.
--Office, 58th & Broadway
Girl #1: I'm getting my hair cut when I go home next week. I don't trust New York hairdressers. Last time, they charged me too much and gave me a crappy cut where one side was longer than the other.
Girl #2: It was probably some sort of hipster thing, that's why it cost so much.
Girl #1: What, like I'm paying a licensing fee to rebroadcast her creativity on my head?...I guess so.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Julia Kite
Man, Ben & Jerry Really Ran Out of Flavors
Salesguy #1: Dude, I think I smell or something...
Salesguy #2: You smell like the robust combination of onions and poop.
--The Puma Store, Broadway & Spring
Overheard by: Jeeps
Side Effects Include Disgusting Subway Subs
Manager guy: How did you make those sandwiches so fast?
Sammich guy: Performance-enhancing drugs.
--Subway, 23rd & Madison
Tinkerbell Couldn't Teach Him to Fly
Young hotel guy: Yeah, he checked in with no luggage so he could kill himself.
Old hotel guy: No shit, happens all the time here.
--outside Hilton New York, 54th Street
Which Class Do I Take to Learn About Blaming Jews?
Shopgirl #1: So school starts again soon?
Shopgirl #2: Yeah. School starts soon. But it's not anything interesting, like math. It's like, all history and sociology and ethnics. Ethics.
--American Apparel, E. Houston Street
Overheard by: isti
It's Hard to Return Presents When You're Boxed Yourself
Guy associate: I mean, I saw the picture; how dangerous could it
really be?
Girl associate: Well, it would be pretty terrible to die on your
honeymoon. I mean, what's the protocol for that? Do you get to keep
the wedding gifts? Send them back?
--Law Firm, 59th & Lexington
Not So Fast, Lady; Let's Go Back to "Dead Body"
Guy: The train car smelled like a dead rat today, I swear.
Woman: I know. It stays in your nose. It's like a dead body. When you smell rotting flesh, it stays with you no matter what you do. Same with skunk.
--Office, 35th & 8th
One Guess, Brainiac 5
Guy #1: Sam better on his way to this meeting too.
Guy #2: Let me call the office and check if he's left yet...Sam, what's up, man? Where are you?
--E train
Notice He Didn't Say Williamsburg
Art store guy #1: No, I don't know where it is...Hey, does anyone know where there's an art show this weekend? This guy on the phone wants to know.
Art store guy #2: Tell him SoHo and hang up.
--Utrecht, 4th Avenue
Overheard by: Jason
I've Heard of Male PMS, But Not Male MS
Sales guy: I'm been feeling sick all day.
Sales gal: Is it something serious?
Sales guy: Nah, it's not like I'm bleeding from the ass or anything.
--The Strand
Does She Fuck Chicks or Does She Fuck Eggs?
Graphics girl: OK, I'm a chitter-chatterbox.
Editor: Did you just say you're a chicken pederast?
--27th Street office
Neither Does The Internet, But Here We Are
Cashier Lady #1: What I'ma do if I gotta go to the pussy doctor? Tell the boss I gotta itch in my pussy?
Cashier Lady #2: Yeah, you gotta protect your privacy.
Cashier Lady #1: They don't gotta know all about my pussy's issues.
--Hunter College cafeteria
Overheard by: Carrie
"...I do intend to continue lying to us."
Editor: So she went to this party in San Diego and got slipped a roofie. The guy couldn't even get her home. She had to be taken straight to the hospital. It's one of those things that you feel terrible for her, but also find awfully titillating.
Art Director: Wow. Crossing the line...
Editor: Hey, I will not keep secrets from myself or you!
--Midtown office
The Golden Taste of Pleasure
Woman #1: ...and I was crouching down with my 6 or 7 inches of my bare ass showing, it was so embarrassing, and he stayed there!
Woman #2: Maybe he was a pee fetishist!
Woman #1: But he was young!
Woman #2: Maybe you turned him into a pee fetishist!
--Noho office bathroom
Deafness: A Constant "Senior Moment"
Businesswoman: I had a senior moment.
Businessman: A seizure?
Businesswoman: No, a senior moment.
Businessman: Brain seizure?
Businesswoman: No, senior!
--Midtown office
Promoting Sexy Racist Stereotypes: the Men
Girl with hideous fur hat: How were the interviews today?
Girl with birkenstocks and socks: They didn't hire the black candidate. They suck.
Girl with hideous fur hat: Why not?
Girl with birkenstocks and socks: Because he had a big dick, duh.
Girl with hideous fur hat: Oh, OK.
--5th Avenue & 54th Street
Overheard by: Julia
Mountain Dew: The Drink of Evil
Chick #1: That Dew's totally going to land on someone's shoe.
Chick #2: I know. I already stepped on like six feet.
--Mountain Dew promotional party (don't ask), Greenpoint
Just Say Non!
Businesschick: You have to learn to say no to those aggressive French men!
Businessman: Do I really?
Businesschick: No, I'm just kidding.
--Midtown Office
The Secret is Out!
A Wendy's employee, fresh off his break, pretends to be a customer.
Wendy's Guy #1: Hello, sir. Welcome to Wendy's. Can I take your order?
Wendy's Guy #2: I want a Big Mac.
Wendy's Guy #1: A Big Mac?
Wendy's Girl: I don't want a Big Mac but I want that sauce.
Wendy's Guy #2: Yeah, it's pretty good.
Wendy's Girl: Isn't it just 1000 island dressing?
--Wendy's, Bensonhurst
The Scream Guy
Business executive: We can use that grassroots, online community-building and marketing to create lots of support for the product, just like.... the scream guy did.
Low-level employee: Uh, you mean Howard Dean?
Business executive: Yes, just like Howard Dean did!
-- An office in Midtown
Where the Pets and Strippers Go
PetCo Woman: Oops, sorry to bump into you. Watch out, I might be going into your pants!
PetCo Guy: I wasn't complaining. As long as you tip me.
--PetCo, Union Square
Bookstore Fun
Strand Girl: Hey, Beth!
Beth: Yeah?
Strand Girl: Phone call.
Beth: Who is it?
Strand Girl: It's Christopher, posing as an English person.
--The Strand basement, Broadway & 12th St.
Movin' On Up
Chick: Why are you all styled out today?
Guy: That's what happens when you move up in the world. I got a promotion.
Chick: What are you now, the owner?
Guy: Assistant manager.
--Quizno's, 23rd St.
