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There's No Right Time to See "Losing Louie"
Overdressed ticket agent: So, Losing Louie got awful reviews, but if we've learned nothing else, it's to never see a show about a funeral the day after a funeral.
Appropriately dressed ticket agent: Yeah, that must be rough... Like that time I saw Wicked right after my friend melted.
--915 Broadway
... With a Demonstration
Editor to sales conference: ... And we think this book will do rather well.
Sales rep: One thing -- what's a succubus?
Editor: A succubus is a sex demon. I'm sorry. I should have made that clear.
--Office, 55th & Broadway
Battle of the Dead White Europeans
Office drone #1: Yo, what ya got in there? That's Mozart, right?
Office drone #2: No, man, it's Beethoven! You got a problem with that?
--9 MetroTech Center
Overheard by: Cap'n MidNite
And Correlate Them to Market Trends, Will You?
Female trader: Oh my god, I've been so busy lately.
Eager new hire: Is there anything I can help you with?
Female trader: Well, I've actually been too busy to read ABC blog* and XYZ blog* today. If you could write me up a summary, that would be great.
Eager new hire: Uh, sure.
--Trading Floor
Overheard by: PageSixisBetter
Just When You Thought It Would Be Cool to Have a Personal Troubadour
Guy on office phone: Is that because of your placenta?
Guy next to him, singing: Is that because of your placentaaa?
--25th & Madison
Overheard by: Shan Agra
So at First I Didn't Distinguish Him from the Other New Yorkers
Receptionist #1: Ewww, this man at school was trying to hit on me.
Receptionist #2: What was wrong with him?
Receptionist #1: He was nasty! He looked like half-homeless man and half-terrorist.
--1177 6th Ave
Overheard by: red
No -- Chickens, Not Roger!
Guy on radio #1: The chickens are in the lift. Repeat, the chickens are in the lift.
Guy on radio #2: Roger.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Alex
Without First Tending to My Bikini Area
Male attorney: You're wearing a dress? But you have to be in court today!
Female attorney: With as much respect as I have for the New York City supreme court judges, they're lucky I'm wearing a dress. I should be wearing a... a... a bikini.
--Law office, Midtown
That and This Cattle Prod
Salesguy #1, about teen crowd blocking the door: Do you want to tell them to leave?
Salesguy #2: No.
Salesguy #1: Why not?
Salesguy #2: Because I don't want to get my ass whooped, that's why! [Teens leave a few minutes later.] See, they're gone! It's all in the power of positive thinking!
--T-Mobile Store, 732 Broadway
Put That Hose Away, Would Ya?
Fireman #1: You never hook me up!
Fireman #2: Uh...
Fireman #1: How many years have I known you, and you never once hooked me up?
Fireman #3: Well, that's 'cause you're disgusting.
--Fire Dept., Great Jones St
So Much for Learning by Osmosis
Receptionist of 30 years: Is 'lawsuit' one word or two?
Intern: Uh, I believe it's two.
Receptionist, to herself: Lawsuit. Lawsuit. Lawsuit. It should be two. I always wondered why they called it a suit. It doesn't wear a jacket or pants. Oh, but the attorneys do. Maybe that's why -- because the attorneys have to wear suits to court. Wow, I can't believe I figured that out after so many years.
Boss, walking in from next office: So! Linda! Have you thought some more about the retirement package you were offered?
--Law firm, Midtown
Why You Never See Toucan Sam Commercials Anymore
Building super #1: You seen that bird we got in the courtyard? That thing got a mad long beak.
Building super #2: It's probably a woodpecker.
Building super #1: It ain't no fuckin' woodpecker! Someone need to call the ASPCA or some shit before that thing bite someone and give 'em bird flu or some shit!
--2 train, 14th St
Overheard by: Chuckell
Do You Believe Energy Can't Be Created or Destroyed?
Young physicist: So, dude, are you gonna be around in a few months?
Old physicist: I sure hope so.
--Museum of Natural History
You Should Swim
Employee #1: So, if a nine-eleven happens, I need to stand across the park?
Employee #2: You gotta get away from tall buildings.
Employee #1: Hell, if a nine-eleven happens, I'm going to Long Island. Nobody cares about Long Island.
--Jamba Juice, 22nd & 5th
Conductor, Direct Thyself
Male conductor over the speakers: This is the express train! Next stop: Roosevelt Avenue.
Female conductor over the speakers: Shit, this is the express?!
--E train, Queens Plaza station
Might Be Time for Career Movement
Male employee: I need to take a crap.
Girl coworker: Thanks for sharing.
Male employee: I have been waiting, though.
Girl coworker: Why?
Male employee: Because after that the highlight of my work day is done.
--N Manhattan Ave
True, but He Only Does It Every Five Days
Guy, about colleague's showering habits: Yea, you know, I have an eye for that kinda stuff. Need to make sure people stay clean 'n fresh 'round me. Know what I'm sayin'?
Girl: Are you sure? Because--
Guy: --Nah, yo. He must shower early in the morning or late at night. Or else somewhere in between.
--On the bus
Overheard by: Nabz
Wait, Back Up. Why Can't You Go Anymore?
Female employee #1: You need to go to church.
Female employee #2: Hell no, I can't go to church anymore [laughs mischievously].
Female employee #1: You don't go to church?
Female employee #2: Uh-uh.
Female employee #1: Whatever! Yo, at my church, like, gangs and shit be comin' on Sundays. The Crips are all on one side and the Bloods all on the other. It's crazy. They be wearin' their colors and shit, too.
--Century 21
Rats Flee Your Mighty Shadow
Coworker #1: Is it just me, or are the rats in New York getting smaller? Seriously!
Coworker #2: Maybe you're just getting bigger.
--D train platform, Rockefeller Center
Suffers from Menthol Deficiency
Woman #1: Oooh, I really like the smell of whatever you're eating or wearing. What is that?
Woman #2: A cough drop.
Woman #1: What kind?
Woman #2: Hall's.
Woman #1: Oooh, that's really nice.
--Elevator, McCann Erickson office
Every Straight Man. Every Single Time.
Girl holding tally sheet: Do you want to stick this in my thinger?
Male coworker: You're lucky it's me. In the real world--
Girl holding tally sheet: --In the real world people wouldn't take it there.
--NYU SCPS
Overheard by: she's lucky i'm gay
Masturbate to Catwoman Porn?
Middle-aged female employee: What are you going to do while I'm gone?
Young male employee: I dunno -- whatever Batman does when Alfred's not around.
--Wendy's, 33rd & 8th
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
They Don't Pay Me Enough to Care Who Explodes
MTA announcer: ... And if you see any suspicious packages, please report them to the nearest MTA employee.
MTA guy cleaning platform: No, don't tell me nothin'. I don't wanna know nothin'.
--7 train platform, Woodside
Overheard by: Hipster#3
Or Just Get One of Those Meat T-Shirts
Shopgirl #1: T-shirt! Deep-fry your t-shirt, and then he'll be all, 'Mmm!' and eat it off you!
Shopgirl #2: Yeah.
--Borders
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Must've Been Some Christening Last Night
Young office peon: Stan*, I have a question, but first, how are you this morning?
Old office peon: Well, I had only four hours of sleep, I am still very drunk, and even though I showered, I still have stripper stank on me... So, what was your question?
Young office peon: Never mind.
Old office peon: Okay, cool.
--Queens
Gimme a Hand with This Back Flap, Okay?
Receptionist #1: Yo, my skin is peeling off.
Receptionist #2: Why?
Receptionist #1: 'Cause I'm gross!
--1177 6th Ave
Overheard by: retarded receptionist
But Don't Hold Your Breath
Dude: Thanks for showing me that in the computer program.
Chick: Sure! I like to give everyone a piece once in a while.
--Tunnel St, Chinatown
Should It Be Meth?
Junior analyst #1: I know this guy who is such a typical I-banker -- works a hundred hours a week on Wall Street and spends the rest of his time on strippers and coke.
Junior analyst #2: That's so '80s!
Junior analyst #1: Totally '80s!
--LaGuardia Delta shuttle
My Secret: I Hide Tequila under My Traffic Cones
Middle-aged crossing guard lady #1: G'mornin', sweetheart! You look tired!
Middle-aged crossing guard lady #2: Oh, honey, I'm so hungover...
Passing child, to parent: On a Tuesday?
--7th & 8th, Park Slope
Resistance Was Futile
Lawyer #1: The first date I ever went on with my wife I took her to a lecture about the physics of Star Trek.
Lawyer #2: Man, what a smooth operator you are.
--Civil Court, 141 Livingston St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Just Some Sparring, Followed by Spooning
Waiter #1: So, Todd called me last night.
Waiter #2: Did you pound him?
--Varick St
Even If I Do Have a Master's in Regurgitation
Man: Dude, your marketing department -- they're like a bunch of baby birds!
Woman: I know! And I'm sick of throwing up in their mouths.
--57th & 5th
Without Drugs, Manhattan Would Cease to Exist
Worker #1: I just took a Xanax.
Worker #2: I just took a Vicodin.
Worker #1: Wow, we're like a little pharmacy back here.
Worker #2: Yeah, my back really hurts.
Worker #1: Yeah, my life hurts.
--Think Coffee, Mercer St
Overheard by: kevin
Well, I Didn't Get a Good Look at His "Field"...
Male professor: Oh, by the way, I saw Professor Ames* when I was in Chicago last weekend.
Female dean: Oh! Is he still as hot as he always was?
Male professor: [Blank stare.]
Female dean: ... In his field...
--NYU
I Ask You, Are These the Pecs of a 40-Year-Old?
Host: ... But they wanted to see my tattoos...
Hostess: I don't care what they wanted to see, you don't take your shirt off at a six-year-old's birthday party!
--Birthday party, Clinton Hill, Brooklyn
Unless It's the One that Says "Punch Me in the Face"
Male employee #1 refolding shit-load of shirts: If I ever see a girl on the street wearing one of these shirts, I'm gonna punch her in the face.
Male employee #2: Yeah.
--Urban Outfitters, 11th & 2nd
Overheard by: Shelby
So He Paid Them to Fight Each Other While He Watched
Worker #1: Wasn't he friends with Angelo?
Worker #2: No, Angelo hated him. Angelo hired two bums to beat the crap out of him around the corner.
--32nd & 2nd
I Have Lost My Ability to Pick Up a Hanging Plant
Counter girl #1 : That's that shit you gotta get -- a douche.
Counter girl #2 : Nah, I don't fuck around with that shit.
Counter girl #1 : No, but that's what gets you tight again!
Counter girl #2 : Oh, then I definitely need to get me some of that!
--Duane Reade, 88th & Broadway
Overheard by: Evan
Ferlinghetti: Eh, I've Made Worse Rhymes
Coworker chick #1: You ready, spaghetti?
Coworker chick #2: [Silence.]
Coworker chick #1: Well?!
Coworker chick #2: Wait, I'm thinking.
Coworker chick #1: Oh, okay.
Coworker chick #2: Like Lawrence Ferlinghetti!
--84th & 3rd
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
But Then We'd Be Stuck with Cheney
Man in elevator A: Hey, Bob!
Man in elevator B, across the hall: Oh! Hi there! [Doors close.] He should just resign.
--Actors' Equity building
Overheard by: Cat
I Just Want to Thin-Slice Them
Cheese shop girl: 'I want a hard cheese...' Ugh! Hard like Parmesan or--
Cheese shop guy: --I fucking hate people who order by texture!
--F station, Bergen St
Overheard by: Maddy
Witness Protection Rule #198: When Asked about Your Past, Act Stoned
Boss calling out from office: Eric*, what's your city of birth?
Employee #1: Oh, I don't know. I put down a variety of places.
Employee #2: You don't know your city of birth?
Employee #1: Well, it's either the town or the city it's near... The place... It's like an umbrella.
Employee #2: Oh.
--Hedge fund office, 57th & 5th
Overheard by: the silent temp
Sure, on Work Release
Old lady employee: His boss hired a lawyer for him.
Young lady employee: Oh, so he's still working?
Old lady employee: What?
Young lady employee: Are you telling me he works during the day and then he goes back to jail at night?
Old lady employee: Girl, are you sure you went to college?
--Office, 5th Ave
They're All Gay at Mardi Gras
Suit: Sometimes I want to ask Dan* if he's gay. I can't figure out if he is or not.
Woman: Is he flamboyant?
Suit: Yeah, but that could be because he's a southerner.
--550 Madison Ave
Overheard by: DrDorn
He's Working His Way Up to "The Star Spangled Banner"
Stall #1: [Fart.]
Stall #2: Who are you?
Stall #1: [Fart.]
Stall #2: Thanks.
--Men's room, CCNY
So You'd Know What Kidney Failure Tastes Like
Employee #1: My pee was so brown this morning! It looked like apple juice.
Employee #2: You should have tasted it.
--JackRabbit running store
Let Me Apply Some Sunblock
Cop #1: It smells like bacon.
Cop #2: Sorry.
--W 47th St
I Don't Think You Quite Grasp This Manliness Business
Electric guy to himself: Where's my gloves?
Grip guy: Gloves? I don't use gloves. I use my bare hands like a man! Only pussies use gloves. Are you a pussy? Be a man, ya pussy.
Electric guy: But then my skin will get all dry and crack and stuff.
Grip guy: Duh, well, yeah. That's why you have to moisturize.
--Movie set of I Am Legend
Overheard by: Another electric guy
And Mimimal Deadbabyage
Passenger #1: Boy, this elevator is slow! It's worse than in the projects!
Passenger #2: Yeah, but there's less urine here.
Passenger #3: Less throw up, too.
--Elevator, office building, Midtown
But He Keeps Getting Stopped by Border Patrol
Trendy girl: Yeah, well, it's cheaper to steal cars in the US than to import them.
Fellow employee: Yeah, so he steals these cars and takes them way the hell out to the middle of nowhere... Like, Brooklyn...
--Office elevator, Park Ave South
Overheard by: way too much time on my hands
Posted 2007-04-09