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Uh, Your Urine Is Burning a Hole through the Floor, Ma'am
Thug: Yo... You just pissed your pants.
Woman: You don't think I noticed?! [Continues own conversation nonchalantly.]
--1 train
Overheard by: Maria
Can't...Look...Away...
Man: This looks like a good place!
Large woman, unzipping her fly: I'll probably get arrested for whippin' the bitch out!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Kitty C.
Just When You Thought People Were Finished Calling Chelsea Clinton a Dog...
Woman: How dare you?! How dare you?! How can you say that? How can you tell my child I don't love him? Apologize! Apologize!
Man: It's a dog.
Woman: How dare you?! Apologize right now!
--Tower Records, E 4th & Lafayette
Overheard by: Nick Draven
Religion Being Indistinguishable from Marketing
Scientologist man: What would you like your career to be?
Young queer: I'm still not sure. I'd like something that pays millions but doesn't require any actual work, you know?
Scientologist man: You should aspire to do more with your life if you ever want to be happy. I own my own company, and I love my life.
Young queer: Um, you're giving out free stress tests in a subway station and attempting to sell some crazy guy's book. Am I supposed to believe that this is just a hobby of yours?
Scientologist man: Yes.
--42nd St station
Overheard by: Lolita
He Also Predicted We'd Find WMDs in Iraq
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please bear with us, as we are experiencing delays due to train traffic up ahead.
Crazy guy: I knew that! I could've told you that! [Burps loudly.] I told you that!
--F train, 75th St, Forest Hills
Overheard by: trench coat commuter
Gotta Admit, Quiet Craziness Has Its Charm
Indian woman to stranger on bench: You know what people are doing here? They are coming to visit the trees. [Stranger turns away and ignores her. She continues] Shhh, listen...
--Dag Hammarskjold Plaza
Oh, for Chrissake, Alice -- It's Not a Fucking Hymn!
Middle-aged lady: Okay, we're here. Do you want to do this? [Friend shakes head.] Well, you said you wanted to. Come over here with me. This is what we were planning. [Friend doesn't move.] Let's do this now. [Begins to sing] Imagine there's no heaven...
--Strawberry Fields, Central Park
At the Dementia Semifinals
Crazy guy: ... And all the companies of the New York Stock Exchange -- I own them all... And you invest in them with my peanuts... And Sarah bought all the real estate in New York City with my money -- it's all mine.
Hobo: Bullshit. That squirrel over there sold it to me for an acorn.
Crazy guy: Shut up, bitch, before I throw you off my island!
--Bethesda Fountain, Central Park
Heaven Looks Just Like Hell, Except People Take Care of Each Other
Crazy lady: You know what, Eric? All of our friends? Fuck them. She wants to commit suicide, she wants the universe to explode -- it's fucked up. That's why me and Baby are going to go get something to eat. You should come.
Crazy man #1, Eric: No, I can't come. I don't really feel like being outside. Last time all I wanted when I went outside was some milk and oranges, and I couldn't find them anywhere.
Crazy man #2, Baby: Oh, then don't worry. When we come back, we'll find you oranges and milk on the way and bring them to you.
Crazy lady: Mama's gonna bring you back a good orange. A Sunkist orange. You know what else Mama's gonna do? Bring you some good milk. Milk and oranges for my Eric.
--Staten Island Ferry
I've Been Yearning to Test Out My New Guillotine, Anyway
Bag lady #1: Keep movin', lady! You just keep movin'!
Bag lady #2: I don't acquiesce to no Irish! I don't acquiesce to no Irish! I'll cut the police commissioner's neck off! I'll cut his neck off!
--7th Ave, between 23rd & 24th
Overheard by: CKJ
I Used to Have 102 of You, You Know.
Woman with dalmatian, stuck on island mid-crossing: We don't want to get killed on Park Avenue! We need to go to Fifth Avenue!
Dalmatian: [Silent.]
Woman: Fifth Avenue only!
--92nd & Park
James Cameron Has Fallen on Hard Times
Crazy guy: Vote for me for king of the world!
Passerby: What on your resume qualifies you to be king of the world?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Morgan
"Who" or "Why" Might Have Triggered Violence
Crazy Asian to strangers: What?!
Guy: What?! [Each continues their separate path.]
--Essex & Rivington
This Is Your Brain after Too Many Years in New York
Crazy man: Who wants a transfer?
Crazy woman, raising hand and turning around: I do!
Crazy man, spitting food: I like yo' braids.
Crazy woman: Thanks. [Crazy man flashes his bling.] Hahaha!
Crazy man: Yeah, these cost 70 grand, but I got 'em for 39. [Crazy woman ignores him.] I strut when I walk -- e'ryday.
--Bx33 bus
Overheard by: Nooners
Security Guard: Ummm... My Breasts Are Just Malformed
Crazy lady, after announcement of impending closing: Don't kick me out! You can't kick me out -- I'm handicapped! [Security guard stares.] I have my sticker! In my bag! [Announcement repeats in French.] I don't even understand what she's saying! [Minutes later] Hey! Is this a new Picasso? I've never seen this one before!
--MoMA
Overheard by: stoned assholes
When New Yorkers Try to Do Jolly, It Just Comes Out Scary
Chick: Hey, you're wearing red, white, and blue. So patriotic!
Dude: Heh, yeah. Go America.
Bushy black mustache guy, fully-clothed in denim: What's wrong with America?! Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! Merry everything! When it's hot in the elevator and the doors open, Santa says, 'Get out!' Oh, this is Santa's floor! Ho, ho, ho! Merry everything!
--Elevator, Fordham University
Overheard by: Kate
Weirdest Carnival Booth Ever
Scary woman in Che Guevara hat, trying to bite her own back: Asia is occupied!
Man in group of hot chicks: What the fuck?
Scary woman: Two drinks and you can piss in my pussy!
--Sammy's Asian Gourmet, W 3rd & 6th
Overheard by: Alex
Assuming I'm Straight? Bitch!
MTA booth operator: I'm sorry, sir. We don't sell Metro cards from this booth. You have to use one of the machines.
Crazy man: You're a bitch!
MTA booth operator: No, I'm not! Your wife is! If you have one!
--A/C/E, Penn Station
I Use a Gun Now
Man: Come on, baby, come back to my place!
Woman: Nah, the last time I went over to your place you stabbed me!
Man: Baby, that was four years ago!
--F train, Roosevelt Island
Overheard by: Milo
I'd prefer if you just held me, like all the other times
Hobo: Let me sit in your lap and belch like a naughty girl!
Young man: Okay, now I'm freaked out.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Zed
Headline by: tab
Runners-Up:
· "But That's Just The Acid. Have A Seat!" - Lalaith
· "But Not Sufficiently So to Decline Your Generous Offer" - andy
· "Dad, Im Getting to Old for That!!" - not again!
· "Go Home, Britney." - EKC
· "It Sucks to Be New York Santa" - aileen
· "Please Go Back to Humping My Leg." - Dennis
· "The Fairy God Hobo Can Make All Your Dreams Come True..." - Uulargh of the Prairie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The World Still Looks Pretty Unredeemed to Me
Crazy guy with headphones: Do you think Jesus set up a hit against Satan when he was resurrected?
Suit: I don't know.
--2 train, Fulton St stop
Did You Skip Hobo Charm School?
Crazy bag lady: You got any matches, bitch?
Tourist girl: No...
Crazy bad lady: You got a lighter, bitch?
Tourist girl: No, I don't smoke.
Crazy bad lady: Oh. Then you got any cigarettes, bitch?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: nonsmoker's friend
Um... Alternate Side of the Street Parking?
Girl #1: Oh my god! Hi!
Girl #2: Hi! What are you doing here?
Crazy lady: Maybe you could not yell in the street!
Girl #2: Hey, fuck you!
Crazy lady: Why don't you suck my dick, you loudmouths?!
Black lady passerby: 'Suck my dick,' she said! You hear that? What is wrong with New York?
--Fulton St
Overheard by: Leela
Interview with an Idiot
Dude: ... And I stabbed her with a pencil. That's when she turned into a vampire!
Friend: Are you serious?
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Stef
Headline by: Arlene
Runners-Up:
· "Night Of the Living Spongebob" - Lalaith
· "Anne Rice Has Officially Run Out Of Ideas" - Jeff
· "It Might Be Time to Retire, Stephen King." - space coyote
· "Sure I Am. Now Finish Your Paint Chips." - Craig should be working
· "Tom Cruise Explains Scientology" - Meg
· "Undead Serious" - t.a.m.s.y.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Goliath: Bitch, Please! I Had Food Poisoning!
Man: Do you know who I am?
Kid: What?
Man: Do you know who I am!
Kid: Uh...
Man: I'm King David! Do you know why I got this medal?
Kid: [Silent.]
Man: For slaying Goliath!
--7 train
Overheard by: Matt
Too Bad the Choice Is Not in Our Hands
Chick #1: Fucking aliens, man!
Chick #2: I know. They're in power.
Chick #1: I started to watch X-Files the movie last night. Fucked up shit, dude.
Chick #2: I couldn't watch it after a while.
Chick #1: Fucking government. They are so involved. They know. They know what the fuck is going on.
Chick #2: Oh, I know this. People need to understand -- they want us dead. I should not get started on this. Yo, war of the worlds -- so fucking true.
Chick #1: The aliens are going to fucking come from under ground, and they are just going to tear shit apart!
Chick #2: Stop... We have to sleep soon, and this kind of talk will not help our dreams.
Chick #1: If I'm going to go, I hope it's quick. I don't think I could handle living on a ship and being tortured.
Chick #2: You're right. You are right.
Chick #1: But, yo--
Chick #2: --This is some serious shit! I have been saying this for a long time!
Chick #1: Fuck. Bring the dinosaurs back instead!
Chick #2: You are out of control.
Chick #1: No, no, no. I would rather have T-rex roaming the streets than some lanky, big-eyed motherfucker that can blow you up with its mind!
Chick #2: Okay, you have a point.
Chick #1: See?!
--L train
Overheard by: stephers
If Only I Were Still in My Remembering Years
Hobo at end of rant: God bless John Lennon and Marvin Gaye, because John Lennon said, 'All you need is love,' and Marvin Gaye said, 'What's goin' on.'
Old lady: Now, that's a nice thing to remember.
--7 train
Overheard by: Tom
Wednesday Blood-Liners
British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.
--1 train
Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!
--Bronx Science engineering class
Overheard by: LSB
Suit on cell: Why isn't it done? Why isn't it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?
--41st & Broadway
Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.
--1 train
Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.
--Mulberry St
Overheard by: Ashley
Teen chick on cell: I'm going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I'm going to cut it off! Yes! I'm going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you... Yes! I! Am! Well, I can't think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: still recovering
Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Oh My God
And Nobody's Getting a Library Card on My Watch
Lady #1: I wonder what that kid over there is reading.
Lady #2: God, if my kid read I'd kill it.
Lady #1: Amy!*
Lady #2: Seriously, I'm never buying my kids books.
--Yankee Stadium
Important Safety Tip -- Thanks, Crackarella
Bus driver: I have a headache.
Female passenger: It's the color television. It messes with your brain and gives you headaches. I watch it wearing sunglasses so it doesn't affect me.
--BX 12 bus
I Propose a Series of Experiments to Test the Theory
Scared tourist #1, whispering: Did that crazy guy just say his dick was bigger than my heart?
Scared tourist #2, whispering back: I think he said his dick was bigger than yours.
Crazy guy: I said my dick is bigger than your heart.
--A train
Overheard by: Mike
And That Radical Pakistani Madrasa
Old lady: So, it sounds like you've really got your life together.
Woo-woo chick: Yes, with the help of my therapist and my life coach, of course.
--Terminal 9, JFK
Funny, I Don't Feel Welcome
Guy #1: Welcome to Earth. [Guy #2 doesn't hear him.] Welcome to Earth.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Are you okay? You from around here?
Guy #2: Yeah, I'm fine.
Guy #1: Okay, that's good. Welcome to Earth. [Guy #2 leaves.] Asshole.
--C train
Overheard by: Ray
US Military: Sign Here, Please
Crazy black guy: Yeah, man. You gotta get 'em while you far away so they don't know who you is! Just pop! Gone.
Hobo: Yeah!
Crazy black guy: Man, I'd love to kill a man from far away!
Hobo: Haha!
--23rd & Park Ave South
Overheard by: lady v
Now I Fantasize about Suicide, Like Everybody Else in the City
Lady: Wow, that really sucks...
Man: Yeah, you never know how useful all your fingers are until you lose one. And you know what's so crazy? I used to fantasize about cutting one of my fingers off before this happened.
Lady: Are you serious? Which one?
Man: I couldn't decide...
--2nd St & Ave C
Overheard by: bestbelieve
From The Sensuous Nazi
Girl #1: What would you do if a guy took you to a hotel for Valentine's Day?
Girl #2: I guess I'd be like, 'Oh, how sweet...' Get into bed... Then shove a glass vase up his ass and run away. Naked. If he moved the glass vase would break and tear up his asshole, and he'd be pooping shards of glass out for a week.
--Park Slope
It's Way Too Early for Good News
Religious guy: ... And remember, Jesus loves you! He loves us all. Jesus loves you!
Man in back of train: Jesus fucking hates you! Shut the fuck up!
--PATH train
Overheard by: Nick
The City's Already on Report
Crazy lady: Where are we?
Stranger: New York City.
Crazy lady: Should I call 911?
--Amtrak
Overheard by: tj
To Treat My Misanthropy
Chick: Okay, here is my job application. Under 'Goals' I have, 'Get my people skills to a comfortable level.' For 'Steps to Achieve These Goals' I have, 'Right now I am passive-aggressive, but I am working to become more aggressive.'
Dude: Ummm, I think you should take out the first 'aggressive.' Anyway, you aren't passive-aggressive, you are bipolar.
Chick: I am not! I just hate everyone!
Dude: Then why do you take the crazy pills?
--A train, near Canal St
How're Judy and the Kids?
Crazy woman lights a cigarette on the train.
MTA worker: You cannot do that. There is no smoking on this train. If you do it again I will call the cops, and it's a 70-dollar fine.
Crazy woman: You look nice. It's nice to see you again.
--LIRR, Penn Station
Overheard by: someone who does not smoke
I Haven't Decided What I'm Against Yet
Tourist taking picture of guy with 'Overthrow' shaved into back of his head: So, is Overthrow your rap name?
Guy: Nah, Overthrow -- that's my movement. I'm a general. Five-star general -- see the five stars [shaved into sideburns]?
--DUMBO
Overheard by: Mrs Parker's 4th Grade Class
A Hundred Dollars a Minute? That Better Be Freud Himself
Crazy guy to wife at front of bus: Fucking therapist fucking charges me three hundred dollars for three fucking minutes. Fuckers are trying to take my money!
Drunk guy at back of bus: Shut up! Stop cursing! There are kids on the bus.
Crazy guy to wife: I take you out to dinner, and you don't even want to fucking go anywhere?! Why the fuck do I put up with you?!
Drunk guy: Shut up! There are womenfolk on the bus.
Crazy guy: You shut the fuck up. You think I'm not fucking dumb but I'm not. [His wife starts hitting him.]
Drunk guy: Shut up! That's what my two-year-old boy says -- 'Shut up'! Hahahaha.
Lady laughing on cell: Are you guys gonna still be at the bar? ... Excellent!
--Bx10 bus
Overheard by: LSB
Paper Moon
Guy: Stop taking napkins!
Girl, continuing to take napkins: The problem is that Anna keeps stealing all my underwear!
--Smiling Pizza, Brooklyn
Overheard by: megan cuervo
"Eccentric Town" to the Wealthier Residents
Man: Do you know what station this is going to?
Passenger #1: Crazy town!
Passenger #2: [Nods.]
Man: [Backs away slowly.]
--Port Washington train, Penn Station
Overheard by: Matt
But Which One? Which One?
Crazy guy: Can anyone tell me about the Chinese stock market? [Two minutes later] Can anyone tell me about the Chinese stock market? Come on, people, that's an easy question!
Suit, laughing: Here's an easy question for you: How far away is Saturn to Pluto?
Crazy guy: That is too easy. Why would you ask me something so easy? The answer is Google. Google is the answer. The real question is, are there aliens from Saturn and Pluto on this train right now? And how could you tell the difference? [Looks around, waits for an answer.] Well, I know, because I'm one of them! [Crazy guy gets off the train.]
--1 train
Oh, No! You Didn't Dis the Hat!
Crazy dancing Jewish man: Hey, are you Jewish? Are you? Hey, I can tell you are! You look so Jewish! I know you are!
Woman: Why? Just because I have a fat ass and a big diamond ring? Fuck you and your big hat.
--14th St, in front of Purim Truck
Staying Me from the Swift Completion of My Demented Rounds
Train begins moving, but stops abruptly.
Crazy lady: Oh no. Uh-uh. Damn. [Sticks head out door] You people getting on or off? This silly shit's gotta stop.
Concerned woman: A gentleman up there has just had a heart attack.
Crazy lady: I'm sure he did. Uh-huh. I'm sure that's it. Always gotta be some bullshit.
--1 train, Canal St