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Uh, Your Urine Is Burning a Hole through the Floor, Ma'am
Thug: Yo... You just pissed your pants.
Woman: You don't think I noticed?! [Continues own conversation nonchalantly.]
--1 train
Overheard by: Maria
Can't...Look...Away...
Man: This looks like a good place!
Large woman, unzipping her fly: I'll probably get arrested for whippin' the bitch out!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Kitty C.
Just When You Thought People Were Finished Calling Chelsea Clinton a Dog...
Woman: How dare you?! How dare you?! How can you say that? How can you tell my child I don't love him? Apologize! Apologize!
Man: It's a dog.
Woman: How dare you?! Apologize right now!
--Tower Records, E 4th & Lafayette
Overheard by: Nick Draven
Religion Being Indistinguishable from Marketing
Scientologist man: What would you like your career to be?
Young queer: I'm still not sure. I'd like something that pays millions but doesn't require any actual work, you know?
Scientologist man: You should aspire to do more with your life if you ever want to be happy. I own my own company, and I love my life.
Young queer: Um, you're giving out free stress tests in a subway station and attempting to sell some crazy guy's book. Am I supposed to believe that this is just a hobby of yours?
Scientologist man: Yes.
--42nd St station
Overheard by: Lolita
He Also Predicted We'd Find WMDs in Iraq
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please bear with us, as we are experiencing delays due to train traffic up ahead.
Crazy guy: I knew that! I could've told you that! [Burps loudly.] I told you that!
--F train, 75th St, Forest Hills
Overheard by: trench coat commuter
Gotta Admit, Quiet Craziness Has Its Charm
Indian woman to stranger on bench: You know what people are doing here? They are coming to visit the trees. [Stranger turns away and ignores her. She continues] Shhh, listen...
--Dag Hammarskjold Plaza
Oh, for Chrissake, Alice -- It's Not a Fucking Hymn!
Middle-aged lady: Okay, we're here. Do you want to do this? [Friend shakes head.] Well, you said you wanted to. Come over here with me. This is what we were planning. [Friend doesn't move.] Let's do this now. [Begins to sing] Imagine there's no heaven...
--Strawberry Fields, Central Park
At the Dementia Semifinals
Crazy guy: ... And all the companies of the New York Stock Exchange -- I own them all... And you invest in them with my peanuts... And Sarah bought all the real estate in New York City with my money -- it's all mine.
Hobo: Bullshit. That squirrel over there sold it to me for an acorn.
Crazy guy: Shut up, bitch, before I throw you off my island!
--Bethesda Fountain, Central Park
Heaven Looks Just Like Hell, Except People Take Care of Each Other
Crazy lady: You know what, Eric? All of our friends? Fuck them. She wants to commit suicide, she wants the universe to explode -- it's fucked up. That's why me and Baby are going to go get something to eat. You should come.
Crazy man #1, Eric: No, I can't come. I don't really feel like being outside. Last time all I wanted when I went outside was some milk and oranges, and I couldn't find them anywhere.
Crazy man #2, Baby: Oh, then don't worry. When we come back, we'll find you oranges and milk on the way and bring them to you.
Crazy lady: Mama's gonna bring you back a good orange. A Sunkist orange. You know what else Mama's gonna do? Bring you some good milk. Milk and oranges for my Eric.
--Staten Island Ferry
I've Been Yearning to Test Out My New Guillotine, Anyway
Bag lady #1: Keep movin', lady! You just keep movin'!
Bag lady #2: I don't acquiesce to no Irish! I don't acquiesce to no Irish! I'll cut the police commissioner's neck off! I'll cut his neck off!
--7th Ave, between 23rd & 24th
Overheard by: CKJ
I Used to Have 102 of You, You Know.
Woman with dalmatian, stuck on island mid-crossing: We don't want to get killed on Park Avenue! We need to go to Fifth Avenue!
Dalmatian: [Silent.]
Woman: Fifth Avenue only!
--92nd & Park
James Cameron Has Fallen on Hard Times
Crazy guy: Vote for me for king of the world!
Passerby: What on your resume qualifies you to be king of the world?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Morgan
"Who" or "Why" Might Have Triggered Violence
Crazy Asian to strangers: What?!
Guy: What?! [Each continues their separate path.]
--Essex & Rivington
This Is Your Brain after Too Many Years in New York
Crazy man: Who wants a transfer?
Crazy woman, raising hand and turning around: I do!
Crazy man, spitting food: I like yo' braids.
Crazy woman: Thanks. [Crazy man flashes his bling.] Hahaha!
Crazy man: Yeah, these cost 70 grand, but I got 'em for 39. [Crazy woman ignores him.] I strut when I walk -- e'ryday.
--Bx33 bus
Overheard by: Nooners
Security Guard: Ummm... My Breasts Are Just Malformed
Crazy lady, after announcement of impending closing: Don't kick me out! You can't kick me out -- I'm handicapped! [Security guard stares.] I have my sticker! In my bag! [Announcement repeats in French.] I don't even understand what she's saying! [Minutes later] Hey! Is this a new Picasso? I've never seen this one before!
--MoMA
Overheard by: stoned assholes
When New Yorkers Try to Do Jolly, It Just Comes Out Scary
Chick: Hey, you're wearing red, white, and blue. So patriotic!
Dude: Heh, yeah. Go America.
Bushy black mustache guy, fully-clothed in denim: What's wrong with America?! Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! Merry everything! When it's hot in the elevator and the doors open, Santa says, 'Get out!' Oh, this is Santa's floor! Ho, ho, ho! Merry everything!
--Elevator, Fordham University
Overheard by: Kate
Weirdest Carnival Booth Ever
Scary woman in Che Guevara hat, trying to bite her own back: Asia is occupied!
Man in group of hot chicks: What the fuck?
Scary woman: Two drinks and you can piss in my pussy!
--Sammy's Asian Gourmet, W 3rd & 6th
Overheard by: Alex
Assuming I'm Straight? Bitch!
MTA booth operator: I'm sorry, sir. We don't sell Metro cards from this booth. You have to use one of the machines.
Crazy man: You're a bitch!
MTA booth operator: No, I'm not! Your wife is! If you have one!
--A/C/E, Penn Station
I Use a Gun Now
Man: Come on, baby, come back to my place!
Woman: Nah, the last time I went over to your place you stabbed me!
Man: Baby, that was four years ago!
--F train, Roosevelt Island
Overheard by: Milo
I'd prefer if you just held me, like all the other times
Hobo: Let me sit in your lap and belch like a naughty girl!
Young man: Okay, now I'm freaked out.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Zed
Headline by: tab
Runners-Up:
· "But That's Just The Acid. Have A Seat!" - Lalaith
· "But Not Sufficiently So to Decline Your Generous Offer" - andy
· "Dad, Im Getting to Old for That!!" - not again!
· "Go Home, Britney." - EKC
· "It Sucks to Be New York Santa" - aileen
· "Please Go Back to Humping My Leg." - Dennis
· "The Fairy God Hobo Can Make All Your Dreams Come True..." - Uulargh of the Prairie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The World Still Looks Pretty Unredeemed to Me
Crazy guy with headphones: Do you think Jesus set up a hit against Satan when he was resurrected?
Suit: I don't know.
--2 train, Fulton St stop
Did You Skip Hobo Charm School?
Crazy bag lady: You got any matches, bitch?
Tourist girl: No...
Crazy bad lady: You got a lighter, bitch?
Tourist girl: No, I don't smoke.
Crazy bad lady: Oh. Then you got any cigarettes, bitch?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: nonsmoker's friend
Um... Alternate Side of the Street Parking?
Girl #1: Oh my god! Hi!
Girl #2: Hi! What are you doing here?
Crazy lady: Maybe you could not yell in the street!
Girl #2: Hey, fuck you!
Crazy lady: Why don't you suck my dick, you loudmouths?!
Black lady passerby: 'Suck my dick,' she said! You hear that? What is wrong with New York?
--Fulton St
Overheard by: Leela
Interview with an Idiot
Dude: ... And I stabbed her with a pencil. That's when she turned into a vampire!
Friend: Are you serious?
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Stef
Headline by: Arlene
Runners-Up:
· "Night Of the Living Spongebob" - Lalaith
· "Anne Rice Has Officially Run Out Of Ideas" - Jeff
· "It Might Be Time to Retire, Stephen King." - space coyote
· "Sure I Am. Now Finish Your Paint Chips." - Craig should be working
· "Tom Cruise Explains Scientology" - Meg
· "Undead Serious" - t.a.m.s.y.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Goliath: Bitch, Please! I Had Food Poisoning!
Man: Do you know who I am?
Kid: What?
Man: Do you know who I am!
Kid: Uh...
Man: I'm King David! Do you know why I got this medal?
Kid: [Silent.]
Man: For slaying Goliath!
--7 train
Overheard by: Matt
Too Bad the Choice Is Not in Our Hands
Chick #1: Fucking aliens, man!
Chick #2: I know. They're in power.
Chick #1: I started to watch X-Files the movie last night. Fucked up shit, dude.
Chick #2: I couldn't watch it after a while.
Chick #1: Fucking government. They are so involved. They know. They know what the fuck is going on.
Chick #2: Oh, I know this. People need to understand -- they want us dead. I should not get started on this. Yo, war of the worlds -- so fucking true.
Chick #1: The aliens are going to fucking come from under ground, and they are just going to tear shit apart!
Chick #2: Stop... We have to sleep soon, and this kind of talk will not help our dreams.
Chick #1: If I'm going to go, I hope it's quick. I don't think I could handle living on a ship and being tortured.
Chick #2: You're right. You are right.
Chick #1: But, yo--
Chick #2: --This is some serious shit! I have been saying this for a long time!
Chick #1: Fuck. Bring the dinosaurs back instead!
Chick #2: You are out of control.
Chick #1: No, no, no. I would rather have T-rex roaming the streets than some lanky, big-eyed motherfucker that can blow you up with its mind!
Chick #2: Okay, you have a point.
Chick #1: See?!
--L train
Overheard by: stephers
If Only I Were Still in My Remembering Years
Hobo at end of rant: God bless John Lennon and Marvin Gaye, because John Lennon said, 'All you need is love,' and Marvin Gaye said, 'What's goin' on.'
Old lady: Now, that's a nice thing to remember.
--7 train
Overheard by: Tom
Wednesday Blood-Liners
British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.
--1 train
Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!
--Bronx Science engineering class
Overheard by: LSB
Suit on cell: Why isn't it done? Why isn't it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?
--41st & Broadway
Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.
--1 train
Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.
--Mulberry St
Overheard by: Ashley
Teen chick on cell: I'm going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I'm going to cut it off! Yes! I'm going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you... Yes! I! Am! Well, I can't think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: still recovering
Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Oh My God
And Nobody's Getting a Library Card on My Watch
Lady #1: I wonder what that kid over there is reading.
Lady #2: God, if my kid read I'd kill it.
Lady #1: Amy!*
Lady #2: Seriously, I'm never buying my kids books.
--Yankee Stadium
Important Safety Tip -- Thanks, Crackarella
Bus driver: I have a headache.
Female passenger: It's the color television. It messes with your brain and gives you headaches. I watch it wearing sunglasses so it doesn't affect me.
--BX 12 bus
I Propose a Series of Experiments to Test the Theory
Scared tourist #1, whispering: Did that crazy guy just say his dick was bigger than my heart?
Scared tourist #2, whispering back: I think he said his dick was bigger than yours.
Crazy guy: I said my dick is bigger than your heart.
--A train
Overheard by: Mike
And That Radical Pakistani Madrasa
Old lady: So, it sounds like you've really got your life together.
Woo-woo chick: Yes, with the help of my therapist and my life coach, of course.
--Terminal 9, JFK
Funny, I Don't Feel Welcome
Guy #1: Welcome to Earth. [Guy #2 doesn't hear him.] Welcome to Earth.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Are you okay? You from around here?
Guy #2: Yeah, I'm fine.
Guy #1: Okay, that's good. Welcome to Earth. [Guy #2 leaves.] Asshole.
--C train
Overheard by: Ray
US Military: Sign Here, Please
Crazy black guy: Yeah, man. You gotta get 'em while you far away so they don't know who you is! Just pop! Gone.
Hobo: Yeah!
Crazy black guy: Man, I'd love to kill a man from far away!
Hobo: Haha!
--23rd & Park Ave South
Overheard by: lady v
Now I Fantasize about Suicide, Like Everybody Else in the City
Lady: Wow, that really sucks...
Man: Yeah, you never know how useful all your fingers are until you lose one. And you know what's so crazy? I used to fantasize about cutting one of my fingers off before this happened.
Lady: Are you serious? Which one?
Man: I couldn't decide...
--2nd St & Ave C
Overheard by: bestbelieve
From The Sensuous Nazi
Girl #1: What would you do if a guy took you to a hotel for Valentine's Day?
Girl #2: I guess I'd be like, 'Oh, how sweet...' Get into bed... Then shove a glass vase up his ass and run away. Naked. If he moved the glass vase would break and tear up his asshole, and he'd be pooping shards of glass out for a week.
--Park Slope
It's Way Too Early for Good News
Religious guy: ... And remember, Jesus loves you! He loves us all. Jesus loves you!
Man in back of train: Jesus fucking hates you! Shut the fuck up!
--PATH train
Overheard by: Nick
The City's Already on Report
Crazy lady: Where are we?
Stranger: New York City.
Crazy lady: Should I call 911?
--Amtrak
Overheard by: tj
To Treat My Misanthropy
Chick: Okay, here is my job application. Under 'Goals' I have, 'Get my people skills to a comfortable level.' For 'Steps to Achieve These Goals' I have, 'Right now I am passive-aggressive, but I am working to become more aggressive.'
Dude: Ummm, I think you should take out the first 'aggressive.' Anyway, you aren't passive-aggressive, you are bipolar.
Chick: I am not! I just hate everyone!
Dude: Then why do you take the crazy pills?
--A train, near Canal St
How're Judy and the Kids?
Crazy woman lights a cigarette on the train.
MTA worker: You cannot do that. There is no smoking on this train. If you do it again I will call the cops, and it's a 70-dollar fine.
Crazy woman: You look nice. It's nice to see you again.
--LIRR, Penn Station
Overheard by: someone who does not smoke
I Haven't Decided What I'm Against Yet
Tourist taking picture of guy with 'Overthrow' shaved into back of his head: So, is Overthrow your rap name?
Guy: Nah, Overthrow -- that's my movement. I'm a general. Five-star general -- see the five stars [shaved into sideburns]?
--DUMBO
Overheard by: Mrs Parker's 4th Grade Class
A Hundred Dollars a Minute? That Better Be Freud Himself
Crazy guy to wife at front of bus: Fucking therapist fucking charges me three hundred dollars for three fucking minutes. Fuckers are trying to take my money!
Drunk guy at back of bus: Shut up! Stop cursing! There are kids on the bus.
Crazy guy to wife: I take you out to dinner, and you don't even want to fucking go anywhere?! Why the fuck do I put up with you?!
Drunk guy: Shut up! There are womenfolk on the bus.
Crazy guy: You shut the fuck up. You think I'm not fucking dumb but I'm not. [His wife starts hitting him.]
Drunk guy: Shut up! That's what my two-year-old boy says -- 'Shut up'! Hahahaha.
Lady laughing on cell: Are you guys gonna still be at the bar? ... Excellent!
--Bx10 bus
Overheard by: LSB
Paper Moon
Guy: Stop taking napkins!
Girl, continuing to take napkins: The problem is that Anna keeps stealing all my underwear!
--Smiling Pizza, Brooklyn
Overheard by: megan cuervo
"Eccentric Town" to the Wealthier Residents
Man: Do you know what station this is going to?
Passenger #1: Crazy town!
Passenger #2: [Nods.]
Man: [Backs away slowly.]
--Port Washington train, Penn Station
Overheard by: Matt
But Which One? Which One?
Crazy guy: Can anyone tell me about the Chinese stock market? [Two minutes later] Can anyone tell me about the Chinese stock market? Come on, people, that's an easy question!
Suit, laughing: Here's an easy question for you: How far away is Saturn to Pluto?
Crazy guy: That is too easy. Why would you ask me something so easy? The answer is Google. Google is the answer. The real question is, are there aliens from Saturn and Pluto on this train right now? And how could you tell the difference? [Looks around, waits for an answer.] Well, I know, because I'm one of them! [Crazy guy gets off the train.]
--1 train
Oh, No! You Didn't Dis the Hat!
Crazy dancing Jewish man: Hey, are you Jewish? Are you? Hey, I can tell you are! You look so Jewish! I know you are!
Woman: Why? Just because I have a fat ass and a big diamond ring? Fuck you and your big hat.
--14th St, in front of Purim Truck
Staying Me from the Swift Completion of My Demented Rounds
Train begins moving, but stops abruptly.
Crazy lady: Oh no. Uh-uh. Damn. [Sticks head out door] You people getting on or off? This silly shit's gotta stop.
Concerned woman: A gentleman up there has just had a heart attack.
Crazy lady: I'm sure he did. Uh-huh. I'm sure that's it. Always gotta be some bullshit.
--1 train, Canal St
Are You Still Having Fun?
Little girl: Look, Mommy! Those two girls are wearing angel wings.
Hipster chick #1: Actually, they're fairy wings.
Little girl: Why are you wearing fairy wings?
Hipster chick #2: We just felt like wearing them for fun.
Crazy guy: Hey, ladies! Nice wings. You could definitely be my angels.
Hipster chick #1: Goddammit. They're fucking fairy wings!
--St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Alex Remnick
Alternate Side of the Street Parking Is at the Top of the List
Woman: Have a good new year.
Crazy old lady: What? When's that?
Woman: Tomorrow.
Crazy old lady: You earthlings have the strangest ideas.
--Dog park, E 86th St
Some Telemarketers Will Try Anything
Crazy guy: Have you ever sniffed some good ass?
Suit: Huh?
Crazy guy: Have you ever smelled some really good asshole?
Suit: I would say... yes, I have. But I don't really want to discuss it with you, okay?
--E 42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Big Larry
Headline by: space coyote
Runners-Up:
· "It's Between Me and My Mother" - King of the Jews
· "It's really more a question of taste..." - Rusty
· "Not now, Dad." - again.
· "Wall Street's Don't Sniff and Tell policy" - Ceetar
· "What Happens at an HMO-covered Therapy Session" - Barry Negrin
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
A Lot of Buddhists Like That Film for Some Reason
Man in Jews for Jesus t-shirt sits while well-dressed young man across from him unbuttons shirt, takes out black marker, and writes 'Buddhist 4 Mohammed' on his undershirt, standing and aggressively staring down Jew for Jesus.
Buddhist guy: Give me zee money, Lebowski! I fucks you up! We want zee money, Lebowski! Give us zee money or we fucks you up! [Steps to the left, and in a different German accent] Ya, give us zee money, Lebowski. My girlfriend cut off her toe 'cause she thought we would get zee money. Iss not fair.
Jew for Jesus: [Silent, calm.]
Buddhist guy calmly sits back down and buttons his shirt, turning to small Hispanic boy next to him: And that's where babies come from.
--6 train
It's the Separate Knives
(link)
Crazy-haired woman: There's lots of elderly people around here.
Lady: Well, it's life.
Crazy-haired woman: Yes, but specifically in the San Fernando Valley.
Lady: Mmm-hmmm.
Crazy-haired woman: Where are you from?
Lady: New York.
Crazy-haired woman: You must be Jewish or Italian -- which?
Lady: I'm Jewish.
Crazy-haired woman: Oh, the best people and the best meat.
Lady: Excuse me?
Crazy-haired woman: The Jews -- they're the best people and the best meat.
--Pharmacy
It's Not Reparations, But I'll Take What I Can Get
Black guy: Yeah man! You could jump in the tracks right now!
White guy: Are you sure the subway Superman will appear?
Black guy: Trust me, I'm sure.
--W 4th St station
Overheard by: ron cabrera
Headline by: Earl
Runners-Up:
· "...like WMD sure... or Jesus sure?" - k swin
· "Able to convince morons in a single sentence" - Erin
· "Another Supporter of Urban Darwinism" - ToddS
· "He'll show up in 15 minutes with a spatula and a bucket of bleach" - Rob
· "It's a Bird! It's a Plane! Ah Fuck, It's a Train." - Justin
· "Kunta Kinte's Revenge" - micah576
· "Malcom X's Plan B" - Chris
· "That cold-death feeling just means he's got you" - Leigh
· "Thinning the herd, Manhattan-style" - Tom Beckett
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
There Is That Whole 'Offset Death' Thing
Mother to lady behind her: I mean, I'm not going to eat one, but like, I don't know -- it's Starbucks! They have those coffees that are just, like, so fucking good. I'm here to get one of those mocha chip things that are, like, totally 600 calories, but I mean, why would someone not have one of them? They are, like, so totally good. I mean, what -- are you supposed to be like a fucking stick [holds up pinky]? I mean, I work out for, like, three hours a day so I can have one of these. I'm a mother of two young kids. I look so good, right?! I cook my own cupcakes, so, I mean, I def would never eat one from Starbucks. They just sit there all day. Ew, gross. I make my own cupcakes with applesauce, of course, because you know, my kids shouldn't be fat because of me. Right? But like, I don't understand why people wouldn't have a mocha chip latte or whatever the fuck they're called. I mean, it is why people work out, right?
Lady behind her: Um, maybe?
--Starbucks, 27th & 6th
It Might Be Worth It Just to See What Happens
Man: Excuse me, you cut in front of everyone.
Woman: Don't tap me again or I will call the police!
Man: But you just walked right in front of all these people.
Woman: Tap me again, go ahead, and I'll call the police. Tap me and I'll also do my kung fu on you.
--1 train
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
The Restraining Order Involves a Mobius Strip and a Time Machine
Crazy lady: Don't touch my coat! I don't know where your hands have been!
Passenger: I was fixing something.
Crazy lady: Well, don't fix anything! I don't know you! And get your fucking hand out of my face!
Passenger: My hand wasn't in your face.
Crazy lady: I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to myself! Stop stalking me or I'll cut you right on this train!
--R train
Good Points Were Made on Both Sides
Crazy crackhead to himself: Bitch! They stole my fucking money! You know they did this one! You just fucking fall asleep and they just jacked me. Fucking cunts. [Undressing] I mean, fucking seriously! I just paid them and I just pass out and they just fucking steal my money. Those fucking asshole cunts. Where the fuck is my stash?!
McDonald's manager: Sir, please put your pants on. There are children around.
--McDonald's near Madison Square Garden
The Nuclear Option
Riders scurry away as crazy woman yells at them and pokes them with her cane for sitting on one of her seats. Young woman boards train and sits.
Crazy woman: Wooo! Go! Go! Go! Wooo!
Young woman: Hey, you have three seats, and I'm just sitting on the edge of this one so you can have half. I am not getting up.
Crazy woman: Wooo!
Young woman: See all those people standing? It's not fair for you to have four seats. [Crazy woman pulls down pants and starts peeing. Young woman gets up] Okay, you win.
--Manhattan-bound D train, Brooklyn
This Girl on the Titanic: Yeah, He Said the Ship Hit an Iceberg. So Anyway...
Crazy guy gasps: Help! [No one moves.] I said, 'Help'!
Chick on cell: He said, 'Help.'
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Nicole
Vaguely Christian Wednesday One-Liners
Crazy homeless guy: Ya see, I don't like the Baptists, because I'm a Roman Catholic. But I would hire a Baptist man, because I like the doughnuts.
--4 train
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Little boy skipping: I did not commit a sin!
--Central Park
Yuppie chick on cell: It's really easy to convert to Protestantism. All you have to do is kill a few Catholics, Martin Luther King style. Okay, I gotta go, I have a train to catch.
--Montague St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: I'd like to know where she studied history
Man bowing head: Hail Mary, full of-- ah, fuck it.
--Northbound Q train
Why He Couldn't Land the Page Job in Washington
Sniffer: There are pedophiles everywhere. There are pedophiles in this train right now.
Friend: Mmm-hmmm.
Sniffer: I see them, and I know who they are. I can smell them.
Friend: Mmm-hmmm.
Sniffer: Yeah, I smell you.
--F train, Midtown
Something... Something... It's On!
Crazy guy: Next person to stand in the way of the closing doors... Now it's on!
Thugette #1: That's right, mister! Next one that...
Thugette #2: You don't even remember what he just said?
--6 train, 77th St
Overheard by: Drewster
Odds Are That Petra Will Deny Him Twice More before Morning
Black guy: I'm Jesus!
Woman: No, you're not.
Black guy: Lady, I'm Jesus!
--A train
Overheard by: LSB
The Secret History of Wednesday One-Liners
Columbia student: The Third Reich makes me sad.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Two girls dressed as Marie Antoinette stop to pose for photos.
Effeminate Louis XVI: I say, let them have bush -- I'll eat the cake!
--Houston & 6th Ave
Professor: Sometimes there's even a box, and the box will have Harriet Tubman in it.
--Silver Center, Washington Square
Crazy guy: Abraham Lincoln is gay! That's right, gay! Come on, now, I read the papers! You think I don't read the papers?!
--6 train
Man on cell: I will go down as the biggest fatherfucker in history.
--Wall St & Broadway
Cherry-Poppin' Wednesday One-Liners
Chick: Oh my god, the last time I knew you I was a virgin!
--No Idea Bar, 20th St, between Broadway & Park
Overheard by: Jas
Old lady: Enter the train... She ain't no virgin! Get in, get in!
--F train platform
Overheard by: Ritika
Crazy religious guy: The pope is a liar! He says that Mary's a virgin as of today. That's a lie! After Jesus was born, Mary and Joseph got married. You're tellin' me that they got married, but Joseph wasn't hittin' that?
--4 train
Bleached blonde to boyfriend: As far as my father is concerned, he thinks I am still a virgin... No, actually, there was that one summer he thought I was pregnant because I got fat...
--N train to Astoria
God squad lady: I have a two-month-old son, and I'm praying for his virginity.
--L train
Overheard by: Errol Stairpath
Always Address the Smartest Person in the Room
Crazy lady: Fucking bastard liar, what a piece of shit. A piece of shit and a liar! Look at him with that shit-eating grin on his face.
Passerby: Are you talking to me?
Crazy lady: No, I'm talking to myself.
--Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: maximus prime
Socrates Shows Up Another So-Called 'Wise Man'
Crazy guy: Let me know about a Caesar salad.
Employee: We don't sell Caesar salads, sir.
Crazy guy: I didn't say I wanted a Caesar salad, I said, 'Let me know about a Caesar salad.' [Pause] What's in a Caesar salad?! What do ya'll know about it?!
Employee: I don't know.
Crazy guy: That's what I thought! Ya'll don't know about Caesar salads!
--Subway, 41st St, between 6th & Broadway
Overheard by: i know whats in a cesar salad but im not tellin
I'll Eat It, but the Fungus Love Is Out
Woman babbling in Spanish: Mushrooms! Fuck him! I can't even tell you how... Fucking mushrooms... Michael Jordan? Really? Oy... It's like... Uh... I didn't catch him at the right time, you know?
Man: I don't know Spanish. You cookin' dinner tonight? Shit.
--6 train
Overheard by: Lauren Michelle
Steinbrenner: That's the Last Time I Use a Hobo as my Wingman
Ranting man: Fuck George Steinbrenner now, fuck George Steinbrenner now!
Passerby: But why?
Ranting man: Don't be an idiot! Because tomorrow will be too late! Fuck George Steinbrenner now!
--Broadway & 63rd
Overheard by: Mark
I Was Just Licking Some Crumbs Off Your Blouse
Man hitting woman next to him: Do you like that when I do it to you?
Woman, hitting man back: No!
Man, hitting woman again: If you don't like it when someone does it to you, don't do it to other people.
Woman, hitting man again: Don't touch me! You were asleep, leaning on me!
Man: You ain't cute! I wasn't tryin' to cop no feels!
--Manhattan-bound A train
Overheard by: courtenay
Hence the Soup
Guy: You can pour all the soup on it you want, that still won't make it pancakes.
Woman, desperate: You don't seem to realize, cigarettes are addictive!
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Liz
Passion of the Wednesday One-Liners
Man: 'Cause I'm like, 'Seven a.m. is too fuckin' early for Jesus -- too fuckin' early.'
--Union Square station
Overheard by: DM Cook
Caribbean woman pacing back and forth on crowded subway: Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen, Jesus is coming! Jesus is on the number two train tonight! Repent! Repent! Jesus is coming and he's on the number two train tonight. Repent for your sins! Jesus died for you -- for men, women, lesbians, gays...
--Uptown 2 train from 72nd St
Overheard by: pimnana
Drunk student: So, she said that Jesus loves you and died for your sins and made the Statue of Liberty disappear, or something.
--Uptown 2 train from 66th St
Overheard by: Avatarded
Homeless man on subway speaker: I am the lord, Jesus Christ. He is everywhere, including on this train... Give Jesus money and food or else hell will come down. [As police approach] Fuck off the lord, nigga.
--1 train, 168th St
Girl to friend: You know what? You need Jesus. You need Jesus!
--John Jay College
Overheard by: Scott
Woman successfully holding many paper towel rolls in hands and an open umbrella between her chin and shoulder: I am Jesus now.
--109 & Broadway
Overheard by: trying to stay dry
Elizabeth Taylor's Going through a Dry Spell
Crazy old woman: I'll be back soon. Are you married?
Newsstand guy: Uh... No, I have not married.
Crazy old woman: Would you mind marrying me?
Newsstand guy: Uh... I have not married.
--92nd & Broadway
Overheard by: he was pretty attractive
A Fellini Film
Hobo to unconscious friend: Yo man, let's get some coke! I don't be playing, let's get some coke! [Two minutes later] Psssh, ain't no such thing as a good kid. All them fucked up. Yo man, you look like Barry White. Anyone ever tell you that? [No response.] Stupid. [Reaches into his plastic bag and pulls out a clown mask which he puts over his face.]
--LIRR waiting area
Overheard by: pretending my train just arrived
No, Although We Do Have a Slight Anxiety About Whackjobs Trying to Electrocute Us in Elevators
Lady carrying box: What brings you to the city?
British woman: We're here looking at schools.
Lady carrying box: Well, are you concerned about electromagnetic fields?
--New Yorker Hotel elevator
Overheard by: Alyssa
Or More Staplers
Hospital coffee shop counter guy: Missed you yesterday.
Hospital clerk: Yeah, you didn't see me yesterday. I was in the emergency room. Patient
swung at me with a cane. So I threw a metal stapler at her. I got stressed when I threw that stapler, yeah. So I went to the emergency room. We need partitions, man.
--City Hospital, Bronx
More Americans Get Their Delusions from ABC News Than from any Other Source
Woman: I used to be delusional.
Friend: What was happening, were you medicated?
Woman: Oh yes, I had to be severely medicated. I thought I was going to marry Peter Jennings.
Friend: Was it hard for you when he died?
Woman: Actually, I was selfishly happy because I didn't have to worry about having delusions about him anymore.
--W 105th St & Amsterdam Ave
She's on Coke, Duuuh!
Bus driver: That's what crack will do to you.
Crazy lady: What? Crack? Did you say I'm on crack? Hell no. I have too much ass to be on crack. I have too much jewelry to be on crack. You see these? They're real diamonds. You hear these? They're keys jingling - keys to my house. Next time you see someone having a bad day, just say 'I guess they're having a bad day' not 'they're on crack. Pray for me and I'll pray for you!
--125th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: ColumbiaCat
Jonathan Winters is Playing Subway Cars Now?
Young girl: Ummm...sir, would you like some help with those directions?
Crazy dude: Yes! Thank you.
Young girl: So you have to take this train to 42nd...
Crazy dude: What I need to know is, do I have to be in the front of the train, or the back of the train, to get the shuttle?
Young girl: It doesn't matter. You just ride this train to 42nd and you get off and look for the shuttle. It doesn't matter which car you're in.
Crazy dude: You see, I need to get my head fixed, and I need to know which car...
Conducter: Need some help?
Crazy dude: Yes, thank you. I need to get the shuttle at 42nd St. Do I have to be in the front of the train, or the back?
Conducter: In the middle.
Crazy dude: Thank you!
--A train
Thank You! Here's $10
Hobo #1: Spare some change?
Wall Street woman: No, sorry.
Hobo #2: Nice camel toe!
--William & Beaver
So...I can Forget About the Alamo?
Crazy man: Did you hear about the tweezers?!
Boy: Ummm... what?
Crazy man: The tweezers! They're good. They're better for your moustache. They help you take the hair out. They're so much better.
Boy: Ok, thank you.
Crazy man: You're welcome. Remember! The tweezers!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Sam
Ever Wonder Why They Call the Train Driver a 'Conductor'?
Crazy man: [gibbering]
Sane man: Man, you're crazy.
Crazy man: I'm not crazy. I'm just an instrument out of tune!
--2 train
Overheard by: Claire
From the Trailer for Disney/Pixar's Ratatouille
Woman: You know how those animal people are, though. I mean, I speak to them, though! I've done pigeon rescues and stuff before. I love animals.
Man: Did you ever bury your rats?
Woman: No... I just can't bring myself to do it.
Man: How long has it been? Three years?
Woman: Yeah. They're still in my freezer.
Man: Just bury them already!
Woman: I can't bring myself to do it! They were my favorite!
Man: But they're IN YOUR FREEZER! Why not have them stuffed, then?
Woman: What? No! That would be wacky!
--A train, 207th St
Overheard by: Auston McLain
All Hitler Really Wanted at Munich
Crazy guy: Somebody needs to give me the right hand! No one is ever willing to give me the right hand. Why won't anyone give me a right hand?
Timid guy, sitting across from him: [raises his right hand]
Crazy guy: Thank you.
--1 train
Overheard by: Only had the left hand
Wednesday One-Liners Learn About the Natives Using Participant Observation
Tour guide: If you're going to be in New York for at least a year, I'd recommend going to an outer borough.
--Bowling Green
Woman, looking at dirty man talking on cell with shirt open: That, that right there, oh, yes, that is sooo New York.
--Worth & Broadway
Overheard by: Half Shirt
Office worker: We've lived in New York too long. Instead of saying "ridiculously overpriced" we say "upscale."
--Office, Carnegie Hall
Overheard by: inge
Crazy man: The subways have names and letters and numbers. They are not colors. Don't you dare call them by colors. They have names and letters and numbers. The 4 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Express. The 6 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Local. An idiot in Brooklyn asks for the orange train at King's Highway. It is not the orange train. It is the F train. He should be deported to Mars for calling it the orange train! The trains have names and letters and numbers! And you never call 6th Avenue the Avenue of the Americas!
--Uptown R train
Lady, amongst a crowd of women, shoving and stripping to their underwear to try on designer clothes: Oh my God! I am so not New York enough for this!
--Barney's Warehouse Sale, 17th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: Dr. Mary
Girl: Being a New Yorker is great. You get to give the finger to everybody and nobody seems to care. I love this city!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Jen
Tourist: These people must love their sandwiches! There are so many Subways here!
--Times Square
How Are They Wearing Orange Cheese in Paris These Days?
Customer: You got anything for a model in here? My niece is a model, and I gotta get her something for her birthday!
Salesgirl: Yes, ma'am, we have some dresses over here.
Customer: 'Cause she's a model, and I gotta get her something... [holding up a scarf] is this good for a model?
Salesgirl: Well, yes, do you think she'd like those colors?
Customer: Oh, I don't know! Who knows what these models want anyway! Do you have a knife?
Salesgirl: What?
Customer: A knife! A knife! So I can cut this open! [Produces large block of orange cheese from her coat]
Salesgirl: Um, ma'am, there's no eating in the store.
Customer: I know that! I'm not gonna eat it! I just want to open it! Jesus!
Salesgirl: Let me get my manager.
--Pookie and Sebastian, 36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jenna Blackburn
Grizzlies: 'No, Really, We're Good, Couldn't Eat Another Bite, Thanks!'
Older woman: When I die, I'm going to be fed to the grizzlies.
Younger woman: What?
Older woman: I want my hands and feet cremated and put into St John's Cathedral, and the rest of me I want made into steaks and fed to an endangered species. It's not enough anymore to just give them money. You have to give them part of yourself.
--South End Ave
Overheard by: lino & wyja
I Think It Was the Poop Fights That Brought Me Back from the Brink
Redhead: When I was dying, I had a thing with monkeys.
Ponytail: Really? Monkeys?
Redhead: Yeah... they were everywhere!
--New Amici's, 187th St, the Bronx
They're Caught in the Doors
Conductor on loudspeaker: Release the doors. Release the doors now!
Crazy guy, screaming: Release my nuts on your face!
--Queens bound E train
Overheard by: I hope its not my face
How Could This Not Work?
Odd-Looking guy: Attention, humans. I am an angel. An Earth angel. I used to speak on behalf of Jesus Christ, but I have been promoted to be an angel on Earth, to teach others how to become earth angels. I can teach you how to become an Earth angel. I can only teach females.
--Downtown 6 train
Overheard by: Shira
The Wheels on the Wednesday-One Liners Go Round and Round
Bus driver: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, I have an idea: the next stop is going to be Las Vegas! Vegas, y'all! Get out those cell phones and start calling your husbands and wives. Tell 'em you won't be home tonight. Vegas!
--M103 bus
Overheard by: Tina
Bus driver: Everyone, please move to the back of the bus...Come on, people. I'm speaking English here. Move to the back of the bus so these people can get on. There's nothing wrong with the back of the bus. It's not scary. There are no monsters back there. You won't get hurt. So please move back.
--Q12 bus, Main Street, Flushing
Overheard by: Jo
Bus driver: This is Westchester Ave. Here you can transfer to the 9 and the...uh...I don't even remember. Hey, you back there! You look like Charles Bronson! You ever heard that?...Whateva. You know you look like Charles Bronson. And the world needs another Charles Bronson.
--Bx40 bus, E Tremont Ave
Overheard by: vegannramember
What do You Mean, 'Jewish'? I Thought This Was Some Kind of Giant Robot Cartoon!
Crazy lady: Hooray! Jewish people!
Guy Wearing "Israeli Defense Force" t-shirt: Actually, I'm Catholic.
--60th & Madison
Well, He Didn't Specify What Kind of Second He Wanted
Greenpeace guy: Do you have a second for Greenpeace?
Woman: Meow.
--3rd St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: JJ
Of Course, I've Only Been Home Twice in the Last Twenty Years
Tourist with map: I don't get it. What's the difference between the dot stations and the circle stations?
Eccentric New Yorker: Oh, I have no idea. I travel by process of elimination. I get out at a station and see where I am until I get to the right place. I've been everywhere. Sheepshead Bay, Kew Gardens...
--Q train
Overheard by: A White Bear
Wednesday One-Liners' Excrement Adventure
Old man, to man who has just sneezed on him: Fuck you, you shithead! Ya goddamn farthole!
--44th & 8th
Overheard by: Jeremy Tortora
Crazy guy: And I'm just gonna take a shit in his fucking mouth.
--9th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Zak Santucci
Old man, to dog: Shit already, damnit! Do you hear me?! Shit already!
--51st & 8th
I'm Pretty Sure She Means Harvard
Woman on cell: Yeah, my flight to Kansas City is delayed...Well it's either this or back to the mental institution.
--Women's restroom, LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: morgan from missouri
Not So Different. You Suck Blood, and I'm in Advertising.
Scarecrow guy: You know, I'm pretty normal, for someone who's completely out of control.
Woman: Right.
Scarecrow guy: We're in different worlds now. I'm pretty Goth, and we're trying to convince people we're vampires. You're a college grad. Different worlds, you know.
--LIRR
Overheard by: college grad's friend
Know Your Audience
Crazy guy, yelling: Macaroni and cheese! [No one responds.] With chocolate mousse on top! [No one responds.] Mashed potatoes and gravy! [No one responds.] George Bush is bringing peace to the world through strength and diplomacy!
Woman: Shut up!
--uptown 6 train
Overheard by: the fashionatrix
Their Intergalactic Enforcement Program Is Top-Notch
College applicant: I want to learn how to shoot a gun.
Admissions rep: Okay, well, we don't do that here -- it's a Criminal Justice college degree.
College applicant: But they told me I need to learn to shoot a gun.
Admissions rep: Who's they?
College applicant: The aliens. You know, them.
Admissions rep: I see. Well, maybe you should go to the CIA.
--30th Pl & Thomson Ave, Long Island City
...And How Did You Know?
Old, crazy-looking black dude: The problem, James, is that you're letting pride go to your head!
White college kid whose name probably isn't James: Who are you?
--Times Square station
He's Channeling the President
Crazy guy: Yeah, I don't have to remember. I know. What are you looking at? I'm gonna kill you, you keep it up, I'm gonna kill you. I don't need to be no CIA, FBI, Special Agent Man, whatever the fuck you got. I battle evil! I'm gonna kill you.
Man from window: Shut up!
Crazy guy: Fuck you. I battle evil! I battle evil every day. You're a coward. I'm gonna blow up that building. I don't like evil. I'm a peaceful man and I battle evil.
Man from window: Go away then.
Crazy guy: I battle evil!
--10th St between 1st & A
Overheard by: A guy trying to be invisible while standing right next to the crazy guy
Where Are They Now?: Dr. Laura
Bag lady: Can you spare some change?
Woman: No, I'm sorry.
Bag lady: Is that your boyfriend? Lose him.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Husband.
Wednesday One-liners Sit on the Throne
Woman on cell: Hold on, I have to juggle, I'm pushing a stroller, walking the dog and holding a big bag of poop.
--189th & Broadway
Spring is Here, New York!
Hobo: You remember me?
Bag lady: Yeah, I remember you; I still don't like you.
Hobo: I still don't like you either. You still gotta wash your ass. Stop smokin' crack and wash your asshole!
--1 train
Overheard by: Nico Medina
We've Got Scabs Ready, TWU
Loudspeaker hijacker #1: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. The monkey bit the conductor.
Loudspeaker hijacker #2: Ladies...and gentlemen--Awoo!--please extinguish all crack pipes and prepare for lift off.
--D train
Overheard by: Michael Squeglia
In Order: Decaf, Unicorns, and the Tides
Lady: When I was a kid, I would always invent things on the train. I'd tell my mom about them and then a month later they'd get invented.
Chick: Wow, really?
Lady: Yeah. It happened like three times that I talked to my mom about something on the train and then it got invented.
--2 train
Wednesday One-liners See No UHO Money
Hobo: Yeah man, that's good shit. Except for those white-ass American bandstand drummers. Whoever heard of fucking Clark Kent playing bongos?
--55th & 9th
Overheard by: Luke Reynolds
The Bronx Zoo's Most Controversial Exhibit
Chick: Omigod, look, it's a moose! It's like, a moose rampant.
Guy: Where? Dude, that's a rhino.
Chick: No, the moose is next to it.
Guy: It doesn't look like a moose. It looks like a buck.
Chick: Well, whether it's a buck or a moose, there should not be a
rhino in that forest.
Guy: Agreed.
Chick: Oh man, now they're raving!
Bag lady: Excuse me, you got any change?
--125 Street Metro-North station
He Plays with Himself on the Subway
Girl #1: Do you vaguely resemble an elephant?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Do you vaguely resemble an elephant?
Girl #2: I have no idea.
Girl #1: So you're not Snuffleupagus?
Girl #2: No, I'm not.
Hobo: Ask her if she's horny!
Girl #1: Are you an actor?
Girl #2: No.
Hobo: Ask her if she's horny!
Girl #1: Dammit, um--
Hobo: You might be surprised!
--1 train
Overheard by: emzor
Wednesday One-liners Believe in Holy Ghosts
Girl: I know you're not religious, but do you believe in dinosaurs?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Sasha
She's Going to Transfer to Bellevue
Woman: ...get on the bus because I'm running late for work.
Crazy lady: I don't give a rat's ass if you're late for work! I don't care if you get to work and your boss punches you in the face and breaks your nose! I have the right to look for a seat!
Bus: ...
Crazy lady storms off the next bus.
Woman: Every day she does that. I can't take it anymore.
--X37 bus
The New Comeback to Anything, '06
Woman: Um...excuse me...But...are you all right?
Teen boy: Juilliard audition!
--JFK
Overheard by: Sydney M
Elsewhere: Wednesday One-liners
Teen boy: "Romanian"? What's that, Italian?
--N train
Wednesday One-liners Flip Channels
Guy on pay phone: Hey Tom, it's Jerry.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Matthew Suss
Nuts for Wednesday One-liners
Chris Noth: I talked to her for 10 minutes and figured out she was crazy.
--15th & Irving
Overheard by: Ameha Beyene
Wednesday One-liners Go Potty
Chick on cell: It's a long story involving a lot of urine, but the gist of it is, we can't use that refrigerator ever again.
--Madison Square Garden ladies' room
Nah, He Never Needs to Transfer
God Squad lady: Jesus is coming! Jesus is coming!
Girl: Well, is he going to be getting off the S train? 'Cause I'll just meet him there.
--Port Authority
That Doesn't Sound Like Aramaic
Yarmulke guy: Bush fascista, se tenemos ser la lista! Bush fascista, se tenemos ser la lista!
Woman: Do you think he's Orthodox?
Man: He's Orthodox crazy.
--G train
Overheard by: quitecontrarian
That's the Ticket!
Crazy codger: I'm on the sex train. Wooha.
Conductor guy: Tickets, please.
Crazy codger: We're all gonna have fucking sex!
Conductor guy: Tickets.
Crazy codger: What the fuck do you want? Sex?
--LIRR
Overheard by: Dan
Clothes Make the Wednesday One-liners
Guy: You know, for a hundred dollars, you can get that old mink stole
made into a teddy bear!
--M104 bus
Overheard by: Ron Caldwell
Wednesday One-liners City Scenes
Man: When I told her I worked for the State of New York she seemed to
lose interest.
--F train
Boxes and Boxes of Cocoa Puffs
Old woman: Have you seen Charlie?
Guy: No..he said he was gonna check himself into the hospital, and probably stay for a long time.
Old woman: Because I have some food for him...Now Patrick, have you seen Charlie? I have some food for him.
Old man: Charlie done checked hisself into the psycho ward for two months.
Old woman: I guess I gotta throw the food out then.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Heiny Kleist
The PATH Train at 33rd (A NYC Short Story)
Hobo: Where are you going?
Drunk guy: Bermuda. I'm connecting to the plane.
Drunk guy: Is that your cousin?
Hobo: Yeah!
Drunk guy: He didn't even say nothing to you. That's fucked up!
Hobo: My name is Peter. Peter Parker. I'm Spider-Man's father.
The hobo shows the drunk guy his bottle. The drunk guy takes out a can of beer and a bottle of whiskey
Drunk guy: So what? You trying to beat me? You started a competition and I beat you. I came prepared.
--PATH train
Overheard by: Tony Gabriel
"Haven't you heard of reverse?"
Crazy guy: Slow down!
Bus driver: I'm stopped at a light; I can't get much slower.
--Q60 bus
Overheard by: Ben
Wednesday One-liners Like Cuckoo Clocks
Crazy guy: Pawns and shields. Pawns and shields and a meal ticket. That's all kids are good for.
--L train
Overheard by: Thomas Byrd
She Worked the INS in McDonaldland
Crazy lady: Yo! Uh...man!
Hot dog guy: Yes?
Crazy lady: Why aren't you serving me?
Hot dog guy: I just placed your order, ma'am.
Crazy lady: Well I used to work in immigration, so you best be doing that shit quick like right? Shit, I was immigration, okay? I know people, all right?
Hot dog guy: Like who?
Queer: Kenneth Cole?
Crazy lady: No! I know Diedre. Now don't be playing these crazy mindgames with me! I'm prepared. I have a gun.
Hot dog guy: That's very nice. That'll be 5.98 total, ma'am.
Crazy lady: Fuck you. I'm gone now. You can't see me!
Queer: Faggot, just go away.
--Papaya King, 86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Ben Bleiberg
There Must Be a Good Book to Explain It
Crazy guy: Only God lives forever! You do not understand!
Drunk girl: Sir, would you like a balloon?
Crazy guy: Those balloons are beautiful. You keep them...Only God lives forever! You white people do not understand!
--N train
Overheard by: Lee
That Can and Will Be Used Against Him
Crazy guy: I have fallen off the earth and been plastered to the moon! But I'm back.
Cellmate: Uh huh.
Crazy guy: It's hard to piss out your stomach when they're tracking
your shoes.
Cellmate: Yup.
--Central booking, Centre Street
Overheard by: the holding cell across from them
It's Talk Radio, Live!
Bag lady: Could someone spare some change? My welfare was denied.
Crazy lady: Yeah, yeah, they denied mine the first time too. Get over it.
Man: Does anyone know how to get to--
Crazy lady: They aren't listening, they aren't going to talk to you. They can't talk. They are all mute.
--F train
He's Crazy Because She's Totally a 7
Girl: One pack of Parliament Lights.
Vendor guy: You 18?
Girl: Well, I'm actually 22.
Crazy guy: Girly, you look like you are 10...but it's okay. I like that.
--45th & 8th
Overheard by: Ashley Graffeo
That's Just What They Said About Jesus
God Squad guy: Jesus is the answer! Come to Jesus and he'll hold you in his arms! Come home to Jesus!
Guy #2: By the way, just so you know, the rest of us all think you're fucking nuts!
--St. Marks between 2nd & 3rd
overheard by: tourist girl
If Anyone Has Insight, Let Him Calculate the Number
Two hobos are passing a bottle.
Woman: You can't do that! This is a passenger train...The blood of Jesus Christ! You can't do that; this is a passenger train! You need to find Jesus!...That is the devil's drink. By the blood of Jesus you need to repent!
Hobo #1: Lady, I am the devil.
Woman: You can't do that on a passenger train! If I see a police I will have you arrested!
Hobo #2: You wanna borrow my cell phone?
--F train
Presenting the New Catchphrases for 2006
Guy #1: Yesterday this girl said she wanted to throw herself in front of the train and I'm like, "This bitch is crazy."
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: I mean, I see that motherfucka coming and that shit ain't gonna happen, you know?
Guy #2: Maybe she was depressed.
Guy #1: Are you kidding? That shit is pancake style...bitch is crazy.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Nander
Hobo's Quick with the Puns
Hobo: So you two ladies want to go with me, I have a room at the Plaza?
Girl #1: No.
Hobo: Are you sure?
Girl #2: Please leave us alone.
Hobo: Okay, I'm a gentleman. See, I'm going to leave you alone. So will you come with me to the Plaza?
Girl #1: No.
Hobo: Okay. See I'm a gentleman, I'm going to leave you alone. You have a nice night.
Girl #1: Bye.
Hobo: Don't fucking patronize me!
--32nd & 2nd
Wait Until Overheard Gets to 2006
Crazy guy: 3 fucking white kids talking to a chink.
Chick #1: Little does he know that's not the most offensive thing we've heard tonight.
Chick #2: Yeah, by comparison it was politically correct.
Chick #1: Yeah, it was kinda a relief.
--4 train
Hobo: This shit happens now! Y2K my ass, the world will end this New Year's Day, 2006! Coming to a theatre near you...
--A train
Overheard by: Nina
Someone Needs to Go to the Learning Annex
Man: Watch where you're going.
Woman: Why don't you get out of the way?
Man: Fuck you, lady.
Woman: You come from the land of yonder where animals exist!
--23rd Street F station
Overheard by: jill Bee
Tuesday One-liners...Psyche!
Crazy man: Psychology that! You know how to fuck the devil, but you don't know how to use your fuckin' mind!
--St. Marks Place
Overheard by: Leela Corman
Stranger Things Have Happened on Endor
A couple walks by holding hands, a tall man and a short woman.
Chick: What's with the Wookie-Ewok love?
Guy: Dude, that's harsh.
--13th & University
Girl: You know her, she's making stuff up again!
Crazy woman: Hey! Did you just call me Chewbacca?
--1 train
Overheard by: poptart
Maybe If You Shaved Your Balls?
Crazy woman: Get out of my way Andrea!
Guy: Wow, I didn't know my name was Andrea; maybe I should grow my hair out so I at least look the part.
--Fairway, 74th & Broadway
A Pink Triangle of Wednesday One-liners
Crazy man: Why you gotta stick your dick in a man? How can you be a Latin King and stick your dick in a man?
--6 train
Overheard by: Dirt "Chainsaw" Dog
Wednesday One-liners Stand for Good Hygiene
Crazy guy: Shaving is so much more important than your cell phone.
--6 train
Tell Him New York Wants to Have a Talk
Crazy guy: Hey! How are you?
Lady: Hello.
Crazy guy: This is my Ethiopian friend, we are going to get Osama!
--81st & Columbus
Girl, You'll Be a Latter-day Saint Soon
Crazy lady: You some kinda rabbi or something? What are you?
Uncrazy chick: What?
Crazy lady: What ethnicity are you?
Uncrazy chick: Uh, Mormon.
Crazy lady: Woman?
--98th & West End
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Her Name, Not Her Sentence
Crazy guy: You gots some pretty eyes.
Woman: Thank you.
Crazy guy: What's your name, pretty?
Man: My wife!
--A train
Overheard by: tommy Lo
A Naked Shitflinger is Our Second-Best Customer
Security guy: You missed all the action!
Tailor guy: You mean the guy who defecated in the dressing room and then ran around here wearing just his shoes and a sweater? I'm the one who called you about it, young man! I was hiding over by the
stairs. Did you kick him out?
Security guy: No...you see, he's not "all there" in the head.
Tailor guy: Really? He looked quite sane to me!
--Syms, Trinity Place
Overheard by: Ben Lunsford
How Marshmallows Are Made (A NYC Short Story)
Fat woman: You're a piece of shit, you know that? That's what you are, a piece of shit. You are a bitch, and you know who else is a bitch? Your mother. And your grandmother is a bitch, and her mother was a bitch, and all those generations before that were bitches. You should go back to your country, where they're not so stupid to give our money to people like you who spend it on fur coats. You think you have more money than me? Lady, I have more money than you could ever dream of having. And I'm young, I'm 25, and you're old, you're an old lady. Get a job.
Russian woman: Since I come here from Russia, I work every day for 17 years! You are terrible!
Fat woman: Oh right, right. I've seen you on Stillwell, paying with food stamps in your fur coat. You are a piece of shit, you bitch.
The train stops at 4th avenue. The fat woman leaves the train, cursing, and bangs loudly on the window from outside. A cop approaches her, and seeing him she holds the train doors open.
Fat woman: Officer! Officer! This Russian lady in this car here was yelling at me. That's her, sitting right there, she was cursing at me.
Cop: Come with me, miss.
He drags the fat woman off. The entire car applauds.
--F train
Overheard by: Eric W
Wednesday One-liners for English Class
Crazy guy: Fresh! I been made for this. Apostrophes don't count.
--C train
Get Ready to Be Afraid! (Happy Halloween)
Man on cell: I have two phobias. The post office and the library. And you want me to go to the post office for you?
--University & 10th
College girl #1: What do you think is the saddest emotion or feeling?
College girl #2: I'm not sure, maybe fear.
College girl #1: Yeah, that's a good one. Ya know, if we lived in Ethiopia you would have said hunger.
--71st between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Lizz Tooher
Girl: Yeah, I always wear black...I'm, like, scared of colors.
--Elevator, Parsons School of Design
Guy: Yo, that Hamburgler's a scary motherfucker, 'cause you never know what that nigga be sayin'. He be all "robble robble robble robble" and shit!
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Tacologic
Woman: Holy crap, you scared the hell out of me. What are you supposed to be anyway, Hercules?
Man: I'm Thor. Mighty son of Odin.
--N train
Cue Sunset and End Credits
Hobo: Do you have the time?
Guy: Quarter past seven.
Hobo: Do you think we'll make it?
Guy: To where?
Hobo: To wherever we're going.
Guy: Yes.
--D train
Overheard by: Dan Cunningham
The Infinite Crisis of Wednesday One-liners
Man on cell: If it weren't for the soap suds I wouldn't have super-powers.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Marc Dombrowski
Wednesday One-liners Ain't Too Proud to Beg
Hobo: You like rap? I started that shit. I did. I started that rap shit. Way before hip-hop. You don't like rap, you ain't shit.
--4 train
Overheard by: Aaron
Wednesday One-liners' Ark
Crazy lady: We are ready to explain! She, however, will be with the dog...What do you think about that walker-talker? Why don't you go walk and talk!"
--F train
Overheard by: Oh Miss Lauren
Blondie is a Group!
Crazy man: Why do blondes only hang out with other blondes? Why do blondes only hang out with other blonds? Why do blonds only hang out with other blonds?
Chick: Shut up.
Crazy man: Hey Blondie, I wasn't asking you.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Thompson Patton
Where is King Syphilitic Dementia's "Fireplace"?
Hobo: I am the king, bow down before me...The president of the United States is a retarded fuck. American people don't care about life. Why fight for America? Fuck sending a bunch of people over there to kill and be killed. It's ridiculous. Bush thinks it's okay. He's the dictator, he's the bad man. If I ever get my hands on him, I'm gonna torture his ass. I'll cut his dick off. I'll take a pipe from the fireplace and stick it up his ass. I'm the king. I'll always be the king. I say this...Don't ever believe America. America is godless. The people are full of shit. Anyone who goes to war for America has got to be out their motherfuckin' mind.
--Central Park
Overheard by: psd
Better He Take the Elevator Than a Plane
Man: Jesus is coming, are you prepared?
Hipster guy: Well, he ain't getting on this elevator!
Woman: Oh Jesus, who let this nut in the building?
--Elevator, 42nd & Lexington
Overheard by: Cirrus Monk
I Hope Blogging About It Is Okay
Crazy guy: Yo! Hey, Superman!
A dude with a Superman shirt looks horrified.
Crazy guy: Yo, man! I'm just like you! I'm Spider-Man!
He pulls up his shirt and yanks his underwear up out from under his pants, revealing a Spider-Man logo.
Crazy guy: See? You know, if you wasn't a dude, I wouldn't have shown you.
The Superman dude sees two younger girls watching and laughing.
Crazy guy: Yo, don't talk about me when you get off the train!
--L train
Overheard by: Matthias
That's Pretty Much What They Invented Clubs For
Two guys and a girl are walking down a street when a strange man sitting in an office chair rolls toward them.
Chair guy: Ah, this girl got two boyfriends! Mmm...Can a black man join the club? Can...a black man....join the club. Join the club.
--4th & Jane
Overheard by: marissa
Wednesday One-liners Forgot Their Meds
Crazy guy: Ma'am, say, who's your favorite James Bond? Hello? Is anyone listening to me? I said, who is your favorite James Bond? Oh fuck this! I'll just mark it down as another George Lazenby. Fuck.
--Port Authority
Lunacy Does Deplete Electrolytes
Food cart man: Would like some chicken, miss?
Random crazy lady: Yes, I'll have some Gatorade.
--53rd & 6th
Overheard by: Kathy I.
Wednesday One-liners Are Pastafarians
Man: ...and then she's gon' ask me, "How was church?" I'm like, get the fuck outta here. How many times have I asked her to go to Goddamn church with me? Every fuckin' Sunday, I ask that bitch to go to Goddamn church with me. Never! Not once has she come with me, now she wants to ask me, "How was fuckin' church?".
--Sephora, 19th & 5th
Overheard by: yassira diggs
Mormon guy: So last time I was here, I was trying to get to Columbia, and I missed my stop and got off in Harlem. And I looked around and thought, "I can't believe I'm the only white person here!" And sure enough, I was the only white person there. I mean, I was wearing a tie!
--flight into JFK
Woman: Oh boy, you are in trouble girl. Jesus says to come over here right now. Jesus says come over here now!
--Brooklyn Museum
Guy: So I really need your advice. My wife was driving on the LIE, and she had a vision from God telling her to sleep with this other guy, so she did. Well, I finally got her to move back in with me, but now she says I'm full of shit and everything I say is a lie. I really want to work this out with her, you know?
--Penn Station
God Squad guy: I love all y'all in the name of Jesus, 'cause I got Jesus! I'm blessed, you're stressed. I'm anointed, you're disappointed!
--4 train
Overheard by: saltylips
God Squad woman: Here come da Jesus, fire from his mouth!
--1st Avenue L station
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Girl: Jesus there's like a restaurant every two feet here.
--46th between 8th & 9th
Man: ...come to think about it, my grandfather was in charge of the marshmallow burning during Joan of Arc's burning, so I guess it's in my heritage!
--45th between 8th & 9th
Overheard by: Alex Venguer
Where Are They Now?: David Dinkins
A crazy man takes out a whole frozen fish from his bag and bangs it on the side of the bus repeatedly.
Crazy man #2: You should pretend that's the mayor.
--M23 bus
Overheard by: Erika Strum
Even a Penny Helps Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: What the fuck? Why's the train so crowded? Used ta be between 9 and 5 the train'd be empty. Don't anybody fucking have a job anymore?
--N train
Hobo: I had to go all over the goddamn world. Canarsie! Staten Island! Jersey City! Timbuktu!
--65th between 2nd & 3rd
Crazy hobo: I have closed my windows. I have pulled my curtains. I have put up my air conditioner...and now you will lock down block 340 like you will lock down every other block in the city of New York, the state of New York, the state of New Jersey, and to some extent Connecticut, but not all of Connecticut.
--4th Street & 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Squatporpoise
Drunk hobo: I have a lottery ticket. My father played the lottery every week. Must've had about a hundred fucking tickets. What if I find out I won and I'm on the subway? No one's getting away. I'm taking down everyone's number. We're going to dinner. Your family too. No cousins.
--N train
Drunk hobo with megaphone: Don't ride the trains! Those a-rabs are going to blow this thing up! It's gonna be bloody! Those a-rabs and the black men from north Africa!
--A train
Old hobo: ...and there's a girl in the well. And he got a dog! You seen dat shit?
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: K-Na
Hobo: I ain't got no money, but I got the honey, just for the women, not the men. And I ain't no one minute man, ain't no three minute man. I'm a one-hour man!
--4 train
Overheard by: eb
They Come Out at Night to Feed
Excerpts from the monologue of a crazy man in a diner. He is probably 60, very fat, and talking to a short 40ish Hispanic woman wearing a tiny flounce skirt and a t-shirt that says "BEAR". He is evidently a regular, because the waiters banter with him. He also mentions AA frequently.
Fat man: I promote models and actresses, but very slowly. I do it very, very slowly. You're a very attractive woman. I'd like to give you my number.
Fat man: It's the procrastinators who rule the world; the people who hurry end up dead.
Fat man: I've got 31 movies--31 movies!--I saw The Wedding Crashers, it was amazing.
Fat man: I can get you modeling; I can get you into mental health doing social work...you'll lose weight, you'll get married, you'll have what every woman wants. Except certain women are gay. And they want girlfriends and I accommodate that. I'm a saint. I'm a guru--I don't call myself a guru. I'm a saint. I save people.
Fat man: I was watching TV; this crazy thing happened. This guy loved his friend. And his friend was about to be stepped on by an elephant. And the guy put himself in front of his friend, what do you think happens? He gets stepped on by an elephant. It's terrible to watch these things.
--Coffee Shop, 86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Mollie
Sure It Does!...Just Nothing Interesting
Crazy lady: Canada doesn't do this. You see this? You see this open gate blocking the sidewalk? Canada would never do this. This would never happen in Canada. Look at all these garbage bags on the side of the street. Now, that's glamorous. Real glamorous. This would never happen in Toronto. Canada would never do this. Hey, you! Canada doesn't do this.
Guy: Canada doesn't do a lot of things.
--12th Street between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Cari
Only if the Cat is a Starving Vampire
Crazy woman: Puh-scuse me! Puh-scuse me! Where your pussy products at?
Pharmacist guy: What?
Crazy woman: I said, where your pussy products at?
Pharmacist guy: Um, do you mean cat food?
--Duane Reade, 51st & 8th
Overheard by: Jennifer Farmwald
That's the Axe Effect, You Gauche Biotech
A crazy man mutters to a girl walking by. She ignores him and keeps walking.
Crazy man: God kill all the lesbians. God please kill all the lesbians. Kill the lesbians. God please kill all the lesbians!
Woman on bench: Yeah, I'm sure it's because she is a lesbian, and had has nothing to do with the fact that he has three combs stuck in his afro and smells like a dead goat.
--Columbus Circle station
Peeing is Neither Mental nor a Disease
Hobo: If you see me pissin' on your lawn, it's my disease. I have mental illness. I just got out of psychiatric.
At this point he whipped it out and proceeded to water a tree.
--Washington Square Park
They Went in Through the Back Door
Crazy lady: They schtole my teef, too!
Hipster guy: Really? How did they get in there to take them?
--L train
Overheard by: emdashes
Yet It's OK for Him to Kill His Son...
Crazy lady: I hate my fucking mother and I want to kill her. I want to watch her bleed. She is a fat lazy bitch. She was nothing but a container!
Guy: God will not forgive you if you kill your mother. Can you also keep it down please?
--PATH train
Overheard by: JMK
Patsy Cline Sings Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: July 31st! July 31st is the deadline, everyone! You must write your letters of apology to Bush or he'll drop another bomb in the ocean and you can say "Good-bye" to Sri Lanka!
--17th & 8th
Overheard by: Edwin Lam
Crazy guy: Son of a bitch! Why is it so hard to find true love? Don't look at me like that. You want quiet? Go to the library. You think I want your money? I don't need your money! Look at all these dollar bills on my pants! If I want money, I just peel one off.
--6 train
Crazy guy: Fuck you and your stupid leg. You fucking cunt! Cunt! Cunt!
--L train
Overheard by: Jonathan Farbowitz
Drunk old Black guy: ...people, we got these rhythms... rhythms that just don't connect. I got rhythms, and you girls have got rhythms, but can we dance together? No, no...we can't. That's what happened when the Black man came to America, babies. Black and white, we just can't dance, babies. But you girls should dance with me.
--13th & 6th
Crazy shirtless guy: Order in the court! Order in the court! Y'all is not guilty. Now get the hell outta here!
--Port Authority
Hobo: Does anybody on this bus have change for 36 nickels?
--M60 bus
Overheard by: Oz Skinner
Someone Get Him a Manpon, STAT!
Woman, 40s: ...so I was like, no man can get away with that! I won't let him get away with that! So I decided to leave him. I took my clothes, my jewelry, and my money, I didn't need no more than that...are you listening to me? So I packed my bags, took my jewelry, his jewelry, my money, his money, and left $5 on the dresser--leave him broke, right? And then before I left, he was sleeping? And you know, the muscle still works even when he's sleeping (there's kids around but y'all know what muscle I'm talking about). So I did what I had to do, right, and then I took the superglue and stuck it right to his stomach. I glued that shit down. I rubbed it all over his hair down there, too. Got him good. Neighbors told me he had to go to the hospital, get that shit surgically removed.
--4 train
Overheard by: Anna
It's a Down Payment Toward Freeing Those Pesky Alien Ghosts
A tourist stops in front of the Free Stress Test table.
Tourist lady: How much for the stress test?
Scientologist guy: 8 bucks.
--Times Square station
Wednesday One-liners Mispronounce Zoology
Woman: Oh my god, I love my cat. My cat is my reason for living. My cat is like a dog, only in cat form...
--34th & 8th
Hawker guy: AM New York! The rooster of newspapers! Find out why I'm a cock-a-doodle-do-ing!
--42nd & Lexington
Suit on cell: I can't wait to get back to Boston. This town is like an elephant graveyard for my exes. Yeah, instead of elephants, all my exes come here to rest.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Matt Murdock
Girl: I hit a firefly driving up there and my windshield was all gooey, slimy and shiny...so I thought of you.
--Washington Square
Queer: Ohmigod, I thought that was the ugliest baby in the world, but it's a bulldog.
--West 4th & Cornelia
Overheard by: Raphael
Girl: I've never been pooped on. At least not by a bird.
--71st & 1st
Guy: ...yes, I'm going to put that in my octopus.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Jenny + Pete
Girl: Whoa, it smells like hamster piss right here.
--1st & 1st
Teen boy: Man, next time I see him, it's over. I'll throw worms on his ass if I have to.
--Fordham Road
Crazy guy: Want to see my website? It'll cost you. Want to see it? $100. Naw, you don't have that sort of money. I need to jazz it up. It has pictures of dead animals on it.
--D train
Overheard by: Taybin Rutkin
Chef Boyardee Raped My Family
Girl #1: He was a great cook.
Girl #2: All the lunatics are, my dear.
--Vermicelli, 78th & 2nd
He Ate the Rest of His Litter
Guy #1: That's a cute dog.
Guy #2: Thanks, she's my daughter.
Guy #1: ...How is that possible?
Guy #2: Yeah, that's right: I gave birth to her, she came out of my vagina.
--98th & 5th
If Only He Could See What He Was Saying
A blind Black man with a Star of David is holding court.
Black man: The Pope is a faggot. They molested my kids. I want to go to church, but I can't because they molested my kids...now all White people are faggots.
Hispanic guy #1: How come they have kids?
Black man: Silence, you will wait until I have finished speaking...can't no one hit the ball like Hank Aaron. That's why we all in prison and they trying to kill us, but we will kill them. Can't nobody sing like Luther Vandross.
Hispanic guy #1: But--
Black man: Wait until I have finished...now the Hispanic people, like Dominicans and Cubans are also the true Jews, and the lost tribes of Israel...now you may address me.
Hispanic guy #2: What about Black Puerto Ricans, are they from the lost tribe?
Black man: I can't stand Black Puerto Ricans!
--West Farms bus stop, The Bronx