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If I Can See Your Toenails, You Are Too Close for Your Own Good
Inmates in NYPD corrections bus: Give me a kiss, baby! Come on, I need it! Hey, nice toenails, sweetheart!
Girl passerby, to friend: Well, I did just paint them last night.
--Chinatown
Jesus Will Try Anything to Impress Us These Days
Man: The one time I bought a steak from here I left it out and it turned all brown.
Cashier: Yeah?
Man: Yeah... But then the next time I just put it in my pocket and it stayed good all day.
--D'Agastino
Overheard by: kimmy-yo
Headline by: Gaping MAW
Runners-Up:
· "Don't Ask Where He Keeps the A-1..." - the horologist
· "Gives a Whole New Meaning to Meat-packing" - Gosia
· "He Said, As He Pulled Out His Penis." - Allan
· "I Got a T-Bone in My Pocket with Your Name on It" - Marc Bernard
· "My Crotch Always Has a Chilling Effect" - Rhys Southan
· "Worst Pickup Artist Ever" - smittie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
What Exactly Do You Do with Your Earlobe, Anyway?
Creepster #1: Oh, man! I'm scared I'd never be able to have sex again.
Creepster #2: Naw, man, it isn't that bad. Just make sure they pierce it in the right spot.
--9th & 6th
Wow, That Jumped Ugly Pretty Quick
Creepster: Have you ever had a tampon stuck inside of you?
Chick: Well, once when I was drunk I had my period and stuck another one up.
Creepster: So, did it get stuck?
Chick: No... But I'm not a fucking gaping hole, if that's what you think.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Alex Berger
Don't Stop 'til You Hit Columbia
Creepy guy, with buddy: Hey, do you girls live here?
Girl: Yes.
Creepy guy: Do you know where the main street is with all the little streets coming off it?
Girl: Uh...
Creepy guy: Do you know where we can get some coke?
Girl: Oh, go that way.
--11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Otto
And Neither Will Thousands of YouTube Viewers
Older drunk, tightly hugging young guy: ... And don't think I'm gonna forget. When that happened, who gave me new underwears and washed my ass?
Younger guy, trying to get away: Man, just forget about that!
Older drunk: No! I'm not gonna forget about that!
--Greenpoint, Brooklyn
'Cause I've Got a Great Program I Could Put You On...
Skinny jerk: Yeah, so she's about a buck ten now, five foot two.
Fat jerk: Oh, that's great.
Skinny jerk: Yeah, but I had to beat it out of her.
Fat jerk: [Stares.]
Skinny jerk: How much do you weigh now?
--Dunkin' Donuts, 14th & 6th
Overheard by: Shusha
Wait, Business or Pleasure?
20-ish guy: Hi, I'm Pete.
Teen chick: Hi, I'm Karen.
20-ish guy: I'm normally really shy, but being as how I am on this train, and you are on this train, I figured I'd introduce myself. Do you have a boyfriend?
Teen chick: No.
20-ish guy: Great! I don't have a girlfriend, either -- we just broke up. Where are you heading?
Teen chick: Court.
20-ish guy: That's great! I just came from court myself!
--A train
Overheard by: Kris, who got off at W4th
"Dear Jason, Thanks for the Compliment -- I Think. LOL! Joy"
Creepster #1: So, I wrote her an e-mail that said, 'Your titties look really nice. They look really succulent.'
Creepster #2: You wrote 'succulent'?
Creepster #1: Yeah, I said, 'Your titties look succulent in photo number five.'
Creepster #2: That's fucked up.
Creepster #1: I know, but...
--Union & Smith, Brooklyn
Overheard by: crowin
So We Know What I Find Sexy
Middle-aged rocker chick: I think ex-cons are sexy.
Older rocker dude: Yeah, I got arrested once in Germany for child pornography.
--Pasta shop, Mott St
If You Promise Not to Lick Them This Time
Receptionist: Now, if you're good, Jason, I'll let you play with the models.
Five-year-old Jason's dad: What models?
Receptionist: The prostate models.
--Smoke break outside Urologist's office, 6th & 6th, Brooklyn
Thanks, Dad.
45-year-old man: ... And since I'm on my way to a business meeting, this drink I just bought you is tax deductible.
College girl: Well, that's nice, I guess.
45-year-old man: Yeah, you've got a big butt and you're tax deductible. That's how I like them.
--Coffee Shop Bar, 14th St
Headline by: Snark Sloper
Runners-Up:
· "Accountant Pickup Line #65337-2366-26637-1" - Works For Me
· "Baby Got Back. -- Cf, Form 1040 Schedule C Line 27" - chris
· "Monica Lewinsky: This Sounds Familiar..." - D. Kareem
· "Until She Capital Gains All That Weight" - Vasyl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Certainly Smells Like It
Loud, blue-haired girl: Of course! I always pee in the shower!
Tourist: ... Is that one of those pixies you were talking about?
Local: Yeah. That was a pixie girl. The city's full of them.
--8th & 4th
It's Worth the Extra Money for a Quality Makeup Remover
Chick: Wow...
Middle-aged man: Yeah, girl, when I get home it all comes off!
--23rd & Park
Overheard by: Black in Queens
Ever See Good Wool Humping?
Guy #1: I was like, 'Chase me, pig-fucker.'
Guy #2: Pig fucking is sick... But sheep fucking is okay.
--107th & Broadway
I'd prefer if you just held me, like all the other times
Hobo: Let me sit in your lap and belch like a naughty girl!
Young man: Okay, now I'm freaked out.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Zed
Headline by: tab
Runners-Up:
· "But That's Just The Acid. Have A Seat!" - Lalaith
· "But Not Sufficiently So to Decline Your Generous Offer" - andy
· "Dad, Im Getting to Old for That!!" - not again!
· "Go Home, Britney." - EKC
· "It Sucks to Be New York Santa" - aileen
· "Please Go Back to Humping My Leg." - Dennis
· "The Fairy God Hobo Can Make All Your Dreams Come True..." - Uulargh of the Prairie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Still the Sweetest One I've Ever Heard in New York
Man: You got the prettiest laugh I've ever heard!
Pretty girl: Aw...
Man: If you pee on me, I'll let you laugh a lot more!
Pretty girl: Oh. I was going to say that was the sweetest catcall I've ever heard, but then...
--Mulberry & Spring
Overheard by: has that ever worked for you?
Yeah, but She's Got a Kid. Baggage!
Preacher: Blessed be the Virgin Mary.
Guy: Oooh. A virgin!
--125th St station
Overheard by: dibs
So Gay It's Straight
Long-haired dude: You penised his penis with your penis!
Creepy chick: Dude! That's, like, penis cubed!
Long-haired dude: Damn. How many penises is that?
Creepy chick: Well, three. Penis times penis times penis. Duh.
--56th & Lex
Overheard by: i never passed math
Isn't That Why We Come Here?
Creepster #1: Jesus, all the people who come to the zoo smell like shit.
Creepster #2: Or maybe that's just the zoo...
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Where is my deodorant?
That, and I Never Learned to Wipe Front-to-Back
Homie #1: Daaamn, ladies.
Homie #2: How about a little one-on-one, or four-on-three?
Cute girl #1: Eat shit!
Cute girl #2: You're the reason I rub feces all over my vagina!
--Clinton & Stanton
You Can Charge Six Bucks Eastbound
Creepster: We'll stick some rutabagas up there and, when we're done, you'll be wider than the Lincoln Tunnel.
Chick: Yeah... Wait, what?
Creepster: I don't know.
--140th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ein Ladle
Not Awesome: That Pending Statutory Rape Charge
Traveling stud: I met this girl while I was vacationing with my wife and kids, so I took her back to my room.
Friend: Why didn't you go to her room?
Traveling stud: She was traveling with her parents.
Friend: That's so awesome!
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Erin
To-Do List: Continue Sit-Ups. Refine Chitchat.
Fat creepster: Where you goin', girl?
Terrified blonde: ... Home?
Fat creepster: Have a nice cunt! Oh, day! I mean 'day'!
--44th & 8th
Overheard by: Freudian Slip
Your Blackberry?
Dude #1: Did you talk to Kelly last night?
Dude #2: Yeah -- I texted her, and now she won't talk to me.
Dude #1: What did you text her?
Dude #2: That I wanted to put it in her.
--Penn Station
We Checked, It's Real. Ick.
Brunette using computer: Have you ever posed naked?
Blonde: Yeah, my ex-boyfriend posted a video of me on the net.
Brunette: Really? What's the URL?
Blonde: Animal boinks dot com*.
Brunette, finding site: Now what?
Blonde: Click 'Tami*.'
Brunette: Oh my god! Is that you?
Blonde: Yeah.
Brunette: You're fucking a dog!
Blonde: My ex-boyfriend begged me for months to do that.
Brunette: I like man dick. I even like pussy... How could you fuck a dog, you sick bitch?
Blonde: Fuck you! At least I'm not a lesbian!
Brunette: At least I stick to my own species!
Blonde: Dyke!
Brunette: Sick bitch! You fuck pigs and horses, too?
Blonde: No, just dogs. It was my ex-boyfriend's idea. And at least I'm not a lesbian.
Brunette: At least I'm not on the net with a pooch eating my cooch!
Chinese nerd-boy at next computer: This is the best conversation I ever heard in my life!
--Internet café, Mott St, Chinatown
Overheard by: Big Larry
With Our Nice Breasts
Creepy man, about tourist's rack: Are those real?
Tourist girl to friend: Whoa, I guess we should have left our nice purses at home...
--Broadway
I'm Much Better Now, Though
Dirty Casanova: Yeah, but I always have fun over at First Ave. The other day I saw this crackhead running around naked in front of the club.
Cute girl: He must've been freezing.
Dirty Casanova: Yeah, I know what that's like... Not running naked in the cold, but being addicted to crack.
--G train, Metropolitan stop
Overheard by: Jason Hamlin
And That's How I Got the Idea for My Animal Proctology Practice
Man with kid: So, that day I was holding my dog and walking down the stairs when all of a sudden I just fell... And guess what?! My dog landed flat on my face! His ass was on my face! His ass!
Friend: Ummm...
--Springfield, Queens
Then I Speed-Dial My Therapist
Teen boy: What do you do to 10-year-old girls?
Friend: I don't do anything to 10-year-old girls. I just do stuff to myself while I'm watching 10-year-old girls.
--Columbus Circle
I Need Compassion and an Alibi
Guy #1: She was 14?!
Guy #2: Well, I didn't know she was 14 when I slept with her.
Guy #1: Dude, how did you not know?!
Guy #2: She didn't look 14...
Guy #1: And you didn't ask her age?
Guy #2: I did. She lied and said she was 21.
Guy #1: And you didn't ask for some identification?
Guy #2: Yeah man, 'cause the way to get a girl into bed is to ask her for some ID first.
Guy #1: Good point... Well, how old did you say you were?
Guy #2: 21.
Guy #1: 21?!
Guy #2: Yeah, 21.
Guy #1: Right, of course. Because 39 is clearly the new 21!
Guy #2: Don't judge me, man...
--52nd & Madison
Overheard by: So <i>not</i> 14!
Douchebags: We're Everywhere
Chick to friend: That guy in the Starbucks across the street was such a douchebag.
Guy behind her, leaning in: I can be a douchebag if you want me to [winks].
--Starbucks, St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Alanna
This Is Just Like the Time at That Funeral
Mid-30s male: I thought that we would see more chicks in this place...
Mid-50s male: Yeah! I mean, this is, like, a total sausage-fest in here.
Mid-30s male: Look at that slut over there. You could see her fucking nipples from a mile away.
Mid-50s male: I can't see shit. Where's my fucking glasses when I need them?
--MoMA
Overheard by: Wow! Where are the women
She Was Totally Wearing Panties When She Got Out of That Cab
Man #1: So was that her?
Man #2, returning from following Tara Reid: That was definitely her.
Man #1: She wasn't as slutty as I'd hoped.
Man #2: I know. She's starting to look more and more like Will Ferrell.
--53rd & 5th
Mare: Are You in Yet, Puny Human?
Outdoorsy woman: I raise horses on our farm in Kentucky.
Guy: Yeah? I saw this program on the Discovery Channel about artificially inseminating horses.
Outdoorsy woman: We do it the natural way.
Guy: Why do they do artificial insemination?
Outdoorsy woman: So that the stallion doesn't have to travel. Also, you can inseminate numerous mares with one ejaculation.
Guy: I saw this guy stick his arm all the way up into the mare to inseminate her.
Outdoorsy woman: How did you like the size of the cock on the stallion?
Guy: Are you kidding? I want a transplant.
Waitress: Would you like to hear our specials tonight?
--Outback Steak House
Overheard by: Big Larry
As Soon As He Mentioned the Early Release Program
Rocker guy: I saw your dad on the news a couple weeks ago.
Cute girl: Yeah?
Rocker guy: Yeah. He was at the Capitol lobbying for increased funding.
Cute girl: Oh, for the youth detention center, right.
Rocker guy: I was masturbating at the time.
Cute girl, laughing: Are you fucking serious?!
Rocker guy: Yeah. I came immediately.
--Mikey's Bar, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rachael
Actually, More of a Case File Than a Story
Woman: I'm sorry, I have to admit, I've been reading over your shoulder. I kept seeing the word 'creepy,' and I was intrigued.
Girl: Oh, yeah, it's feedback from a writing workshop I'm in.
Woman: For a story you wrote?
Girl: Yeah.
Woman: It sounds so interesting based on what people wrote about it. I'd love to read it some day! What's it about?
Girl: It's a necrophilia love story...
--1 train
As Long As There's a Real Emotional Connection
Creepster #1: Man, I wish I was just a few years younger.
Creepster #2: What do you mean?
Creepster #1: She was totally under 18, and a few years younger and I wouldn't be arrested for sleeping with her.
Creepster #2: Oh, that shit doesn't bother me. High school, junior high -- hell, I wouldn't even care if she was in elementary school.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Creighton
I Wonder If She'd Be Soft to Sit On
Rider #1: Damn, this bike seat is uncomfortable.
Rider #2: Damn, that VS model is hot.
Rider #1: Shit, my yoddle feels like it's skewered like a lamb chop.
Rider #2: I wonder if she'll agree to be my next wife...
--42nd & 6th
What's It Like?
Girl #1: What are you buying?
Girl #2: Glue.
Girl #1: Why?
Creepster behind them: For sex.
Girl #2: No.
Creepster: She's buying it for sex.
Girl #2: Actually, no.
Creepster: Glue is for sex.
Girl #2: No, it's for eyelashes.
Creepster: Haha. Sex.
Girl #2: It's glue.
Creepster: Oh, I thought you said, 'lube.' Lube is for sex.
Girls: [Silence.]
Creepster: Haha. Sex.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Shubester
Uncle Walter Finally Gets the Recognition He Deserves
Man to four-year-old with her mom: Aren't you a cute little lady?
Mom: Ain't you the one that was on the predator show on NBC?
--F train
Much Funnier That Way, We Think
Man: I don't like women. I like little boys.
Lady: Um, that's the only line of that conversation I heard...
--McSorley's
Are You Still Having Fun?
Little girl: Look, Mommy! Those two girls are wearing angel wings.
Hipster chick #1: Actually, they're fairy wings.
Little girl: Why are you wearing fairy wings?
Hipster chick #2: We just felt like wearing them for fun.
Crazy guy: Hey, ladies! Nice wings. You could definitely be my angels.
Hipster chick #1: Goddammit. They're fucking fairy wings!
--St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Alex Remnick
Some Telemarketers Will Try Anything
Crazy guy: Have you ever sniffed some good ass?
Suit: Huh?
Crazy guy: Have you ever smelled some really good asshole?
Suit: I would say... yes, I have. But I don't really want to discuss it with you, okay?
--E 42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Big Larry
Headline by: space coyote
Runners-Up:
· "It's Between Me and My Mother" - King of the Jews
· "It's really more a question of taste..." - Rusty
· "Not now, Dad." - again.
· "Wall Street's Don't Sniff and Tell policy" - Ceetar
· "What Happens at an HMO-covered Therapy Session" - Barry Negrin
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
No, but Keep Talking
Mook #1: We should get some eight balls.
Mook #2: Ape balls? Like gorilla balls?
--Mulberry & Spring
Romeo and Benvolio: The Lost Dialogue
Young thug #1: Man, you ain't got no girl.
Young thug #2: I do, too, man.
Young thug #3: You mean that 13-year-old I saw with you the other day?
Young thug #2: She's 16, man, and I just forgot her name.
--180th & 90th, Jamaica, Queens
Overheard by: Mehdi Hasan Sheikh