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If I Can See Your Toenails, You Are Too Close for Your Own Good
Inmates in NYPD corrections bus: Give me a kiss, baby! Come on, I need it! Hey, nice toenails, sweetheart!
Girl passerby, to friend: Well, I did just paint them last night.
--Chinatown
Jesus Will Try Anything to Impress Us These Days
Man: The one time I bought a steak from here I left it out and it turned all brown.
Cashier: Yeah?
Man: Yeah... But then the next time I just put it in my pocket and it stayed good all day.
--D'Agastino
Overheard by: kimmy-yo
Headline by: Gaping MAW
Runners-Up:
· "Don't Ask Where He Keeps the A-1..." - the horologist
· "Gives a Whole New Meaning to Meat-packing" - Gosia
· "He Said, As He Pulled Out His Penis." - Allan
· "I Got a T-Bone in My Pocket with Your Name on It" - Marc Bernard
· "My Crotch Always Has a Chilling Effect" - Rhys Southan
· "Worst Pickup Artist Ever" - smittie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
What Exactly Do You Do with Your Earlobe, Anyway?
Creepster #1: Oh, man! I'm scared I'd never be able to have sex again.
Creepster #2: Naw, man, it isn't that bad. Just make sure they pierce it in the right spot.
--9th & 6th
Wow, That Jumped Ugly Pretty Quick
Creepster: Have you ever had a tampon stuck inside of you?
Chick: Well, once when I was drunk I had my period and stuck another one up.
Creepster: So, did it get stuck?
Chick: No... But I'm not a fucking gaping hole, if that's what you think.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Alex Berger
Don't Stop 'til You Hit Columbia
Creepy guy, with buddy: Hey, do you girls live here?
Girl: Yes.
Creepy guy: Do you know where the main street is with all the little streets coming off it?
Girl: Uh...
Creepy guy: Do you know where we can get some coke?
Girl: Oh, go that way.
--11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Otto
And Neither Will Thousands of YouTube Viewers
Older drunk, tightly hugging young guy: ... And don't think I'm gonna forget. When that happened, who gave me new underwears and washed my ass?
Younger guy, trying to get away: Man, just forget about that!
Older drunk: No! I'm not gonna forget about that!
--Greenpoint, Brooklyn
'Cause I've Got a Great Program I Could Put You On...
Skinny jerk: Yeah, so she's about a buck ten now, five foot two.
Fat jerk: Oh, that's great.
Skinny jerk: Yeah, but I had to beat it out of her.
Fat jerk: [Stares.]
Skinny jerk: How much do you weigh now?
--Dunkin' Donuts, 14th & 6th
Overheard by: Shusha
Wait, Business or Pleasure?
20-ish guy: Hi, I'm Pete.
Teen chick: Hi, I'm Karen.
20-ish guy: I'm normally really shy, but being as how I am on this train, and you are on this train, I figured I'd introduce myself. Do you have a boyfriend?
Teen chick: No.
20-ish guy: Great! I don't have a girlfriend, either -- we just broke up. Where are you heading?
Teen chick: Court.
20-ish guy: That's great! I just came from court myself!
--A train
Overheard by: Kris, who got off at W4th
"Dear Jason, Thanks for the Compliment -- I Think. LOL! Joy"
Creepster #1: So, I wrote her an e-mail that said, 'Your titties look really nice. They look really succulent.'
Creepster #2: You wrote 'succulent'?
Creepster #1: Yeah, I said, 'Your titties look succulent in photo number five.'
Creepster #2: That's fucked up.
Creepster #1: I know, but...
--Union & Smith, Brooklyn
Overheard by: crowin
So We Know What I Find Sexy
Middle-aged rocker chick: I think ex-cons are sexy.
Older rocker dude: Yeah, I got arrested once in Germany for child pornography.
--Pasta shop, Mott St
If You Promise Not to Lick Them This Time
Receptionist: Now, if you're good, Jason, I'll let you play with the models.
Five-year-old Jason's dad: What models?
Receptionist: The prostate models.
--Smoke break outside Urologist's office, 6th & 6th, Brooklyn
Thanks, Dad.
45-year-old man: ... And since I'm on my way to a business meeting, this drink I just bought you is tax deductible.
College girl: Well, that's nice, I guess.
45-year-old man: Yeah, you've got a big butt and you're tax deductible. That's how I like them.
--Coffee Shop Bar, 14th St
Headline by: Snark Sloper
Runners-Up:
· "Accountant Pickup Line #65337-2366-26637-1" - Works For Me
· "Baby Got Back. -- Cf, Form 1040 Schedule C Line 27" - chris
· "Monica Lewinsky: This Sounds Familiar..." - D. Kareem
· "Until She Capital Gains All That Weight" - Vasyl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Certainly Smells Like It
Loud, blue-haired girl: Of course! I always pee in the shower!
Tourist: ... Is that one of those pixies you were talking about?
Local: Yeah. That was a pixie girl. The city's full of them.
--8th & 4th
It's Worth the Extra Money for a Quality Makeup Remover
Chick: Wow...
Middle-aged man: Yeah, girl, when I get home it all comes off!
--23rd & Park
Overheard by: Black in Queens
Ever See Good Wool Humping?
Guy #1: I was like, 'Chase me, pig-fucker.'
Guy #2: Pig fucking is sick... But sheep fucking is okay.
--107th & Broadway
I'd prefer if you just held me, like all the other times
Hobo: Let me sit in your lap and belch like a naughty girl!
Young man: Okay, now I'm freaked out.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Zed
Headline by: tab
Runners-Up:
· "But That's Just The Acid. Have A Seat!" - Lalaith
· "But Not Sufficiently So to Decline Your Generous Offer" - andy
· "Dad, Im Getting to Old for That!!" - not again!
· "Go Home, Britney." - EKC
· "It Sucks to Be New York Santa" - aileen
· "Please Go Back to Humping My Leg." - Dennis
· "The Fairy God Hobo Can Make All Your Dreams Come True..." - Uulargh of the Prairie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Still the Sweetest One I've Ever Heard in New York
Man: You got the prettiest laugh I've ever heard!
Pretty girl: Aw...
Man: If you pee on me, I'll let you laugh a lot more!
Pretty girl: Oh. I was going to say that was the sweetest catcall I've ever heard, but then...
--Mulberry & Spring
Overheard by: has that ever worked for you?
Yeah, but She's Got a Kid. Baggage!
Preacher: Blessed be the Virgin Mary.
Guy: Oooh. A virgin!
--125th St station
Overheard by: dibs
So Gay It's Straight
Long-haired dude: You penised his penis with your penis!
Creepy chick: Dude! That's, like, penis cubed!
Long-haired dude: Damn. How many penises is that?
Creepy chick: Well, three. Penis times penis times penis. Duh.
--56th & Lex
Overheard by: i never passed math
Isn't That Why We Come Here?
Creepster #1: Jesus, all the people who come to the zoo smell like shit.
Creepster #2: Or maybe that's just the zoo...
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Where is my deodorant?
That, and I Never Learned to Wipe Front-to-Back
Homie #1: Daaamn, ladies.
Homie #2: How about a little one-on-one, or four-on-three?
Cute girl #1: Eat shit!
Cute girl #2: You're the reason I rub feces all over my vagina!
--Clinton & Stanton
You Can Charge Six Bucks Eastbound
Creepster: We'll stick some rutabagas up there and, when we're done, you'll be wider than the Lincoln Tunnel.
Chick: Yeah... Wait, what?
Creepster: I don't know.
--140th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ein Ladle
Not Awesome: That Pending Statutory Rape Charge
Traveling stud: I met this girl while I was vacationing with my wife and kids, so I took her back to my room.
Friend: Why didn't you go to her room?
Traveling stud: She was traveling with her parents.
Friend: That's so awesome!
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Erin
To-Do List: Continue Sit-Ups. Refine Chitchat.
Fat creepster: Where you goin', girl?
Terrified blonde: ... Home?
Fat creepster: Have a nice cunt! Oh, day! I mean 'day'!
--44th & 8th
Overheard by: Freudian Slip
Your Blackberry?
Dude #1: Did you talk to Kelly last night?
Dude #2: Yeah -- I texted her, and now she won't talk to me.
Dude #1: What did you text her?
Dude #2: That I wanted to put it in her.
--Penn Station
We Checked, It's Real. Ick.
Brunette using computer: Have you ever posed naked?
Blonde: Yeah, my ex-boyfriend posted a video of me on the net.
Brunette: Really? What's the URL?
Blonde: Animal boinks dot com*.
Brunette, finding site: Now what?
Blonde: Click 'Tami*.'
Brunette: Oh my god! Is that you?
Blonde: Yeah.
Brunette: You're fucking a dog!
Blonde: My ex-boyfriend begged me for months to do that.
Brunette: I like man dick. I even like pussy... How could you fuck a dog, you sick bitch?
Blonde: Fuck you! At least I'm not a lesbian!
Brunette: At least I stick to my own species!
Blonde: Dyke!
Brunette: Sick bitch! You fuck pigs and horses, too?
Blonde: No, just dogs. It was my ex-boyfriend's idea. And at least I'm not a lesbian.
Brunette: At least I'm not on the net with a pooch eating my cooch!
Chinese nerd-boy at next computer: This is the best conversation I ever heard in my life!
--Internet café, Mott St, Chinatown
Overheard by: Big Larry
With Our Nice Breasts
Creepy man, about tourist's rack: Are those real?
Tourist girl to friend: Whoa, I guess we should have left our nice purses at home...
--Broadway
I'm Much Better Now, Though
Dirty Casanova: Yeah, but I always have fun over at First Ave. The other day I saw this crackhead running around naked in front of the club.
Cute girl: He must've been freezing.
Dirty Casanova: Yeah, I know what that's like... Not running naked in the cold, but being addicted to crack.
--G train, Metropolitan stop
Overheard by: Jason Hamlin
And That's How I Got the Idea for My Animal Proctology Practice
Man with kid: So, that day I was holding my dog and walking down the stairs when all of a sudden I just fell... And guess what?! My dog landed flat on my face! His ass was on my face! His ass!
Friend: Ummm...
--Springfield, Queens
Then I Speed-Dial My Therapist
Teen boy: What do you do to 10-year-old girls?
Friend: I don't do anything to 10-year-old girls. I just do stuff to myself while I'm watching 10-year-old girls.
--Columbus Circle
I Need Compassion and an Alibi
Guy #1: She was 14?!
Guy #2: Well, I didn't know she was 14 when I slept with her.
Guy #1: Dude, how did you not know?!
Guy #2: She didn't look 14...
Guy #1: And you didn't ask her age?
Guy #2: I did. She lied and said she was 21.
Guy #1: And you didn't ask for some identification?
Guy #2: Yeah man, 'cause the way to get a girl into bed is to ask her for some ID first.
Guy #1: Good point... Well, how old did you say you were?
Guy #2: 21.
Guy #1: 21?!
Guy #2: Yeah, 21.
Guy #1: Right, of course. Because 39 is clearly the new 21!
Guy #2: Don't judge me, man...
--52nd & Madison
Overheard by: So <i>not</i> 14!
Douchebags: We're Everywhere
Chick to friend: That guy in the Starbucks across the street was such a douchebag.
Guy behind her, leaning in: I can be a douchebag if you want me to [winks].
--Starbucks, St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Alanna
This Is Just Like the Time at That Funeral
Mid-30s male: I thought that we would see more chicks in this place...
Mid-50s male: Yeah! I mean, this is, like, a total sausage-fest in here.
Mid-30s male: Look at that slut over there. You could see her fucking nipples from a mile away.
Mid-50s male: I can't see shit. Where's my fucking glasses when I need them?
--MoMA
Overheard by: Wow! Where are the women
She Was Totally Wearing Panties When She Got Out of That Cab
Man #1: So was that her?
Man #2, returning from following Tara Reid: That was definitely her.
Man #1: She wasn't as slutty as I'd hoped.
Man #2: I know. She's starting to look more and more like Will Ferrell.
--53rd & 5th
Mare: Are You in Yet, Puny Human?
Outdoorsy woman: I raise horses on our farm in Kentucky.
Guy: Yeah? I saw this program on the Discovery Channel about artificially inseminating horses.
Outdoorsy woman: We do it the natural way.
Guy: Why do they do artificial insemination?
Outdoorsy woman: So that the stallion doesn't have to travel. Also, you can inseminate numerous mares with one ejaculation.
Guy: I saw this guy stick his arm all the way up into the mare to inseminate her.
Outdoorsy woman: How did you like the size of the cock on the stallion?
Guy: Are you kidding? I want a transplant.
Waitress: Would you like to hear our specials tonight?
--Outback Steak House
Overheard by: Big Larry
As Soon As He Mentioned the Early Release Program
Rocker guy: I saw your dad on the news a couple weeks ago.
Cute girl: Yeah?
Rocker guy: Yeah. He was at the Capitol lobbying for increased funding.
Cute girl: Oh, for the youth detention center, right.
Rocker guy: I was masturbating at the time.
Cute girl, laughing: Are you fucking serious?!
Rocker guy: Yeah. I came immediately.
--Mikey's Bar, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rachael
Actually, More of a Case File Than a Story
Woman: I'm sorry, I have to admit, I've been reading over your shoulder. I kept seeing the word 'creepy,' and I was intrigued.
Girl: Oh, yeah, it's feedback from a writing workshop I'm in.
Woman: For a story you wrote?
Girl: Yeah.
Woman: It sounds so interesting based on what people wrote about it. I'd love to read it some day! What's it about?
Girl: It's a necrophilia love story...
--1 train
As Long As There's a Real Emotional Connection
Creepster #1: Man, I wish I was just a few years younger.
Creepster #2: What do you mean?
Creepster #1: She was totally under 18, and a few years younger and I wouldn't be arrested for sleeping with her.
Creepster #2: Oh, that shit doesn't bother me. High school, junior high -- hell, I wouldn't even care if she was in elementary school.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Creighton
I Wonder If She'd Be Soft to Sit On
Rider #1: Damn, this bike seat is uncomfortable.
Rider #2: Damn, that VS model is hot.
Rider #1: Shit, my yoddle feels like it's skewered like a lamb chop.
Rider #2: I wonder if she'll agree to be my next wife...
--42nd & 6th
What's It Like?
Girl #1: What are you buying?
Girl #2: Glue.
Girl #1: Why?
Creepster behind them: For sex.
Girl #2: No.
Creepster: She's buying it for sex.
Girl #2: Actually, no.
Creepster: Glue is for sex.
Girl #2: No, it's for eyelashes.
Creepster: Haha. Sex.
Girl #2: It's glue.
Creepster: Oh, I thought you said, 'lube.' Lube is for sex.
Girls: [Silence.]
Creepster: Haha. Sex.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Shubester
Uncle Walter Finally Gets the Recognition He Deserves
Man to four-year-old with her mom: Aren't you a cute little lady?
Mom: Ain't you the one that was on the predator show on NBC?
--F train
Much Funnier That Way, We Think
Man: I don't like women. I like little boys.
Lady: Um, that's the only line of that conversation I heard...
--McSorley's
Are You Still Having Fun?
Little girl: Look, Mommy! Those two girls are wearing angel wings.
Hipster chick #1: Actually, they're fairy wings.
Little girl: Why are you wearing fairy wings?
Hipster chick #2: We just felt like wearing them for fun.
Crazy guy: Hey, ladies! Nice wings. You could definitely be my angels.
Hipster chick #1: Goddammit. They're fucking fairy wings!
--St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Alex Remnick
Some Telemarketers Will Try Anything
Crazy guy: Have you ever sniffed some good ass?
Suit: Huh?
Crazy guy: Have you ever smelled some really good asshole?
Suit: I would say... yes, I have. But I don't really want to discuss it with you, okay?
--E 42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Big Larry
Headline by: space coyote
Runners-Up:
· "It's Between Me and My Mother" - King of the Jews
· "It's really more a question of taste..." - Rusty
· "Not now, Dad." - again.
· "Wall Street's Don't Sniff and Tell policy" - Ceetar
· "What Happens at an HMO-covered Therapy Session" - Barry Negrin
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
No, but Keep Talking
Mook #1: We should get some eight balls.
Mook #2: Ape balls? Like gorilla balls?
--Mulberry & Spring
Romeo and Benvolio: The Lost Dialogue
Young thug #1: Man, you ain't got no girl.
Young thug #2: I do, too, man.
Young thug #3: You mean that 13-year-old I saw with you the other day?
Young thug #2: She's 16, man, and I just forgot her name.
--180th & 90th, Jamaica, Queens
Overheard by: Mehdi Hasan Sheikh
And the Number One Reason New Yorkers Move to the Suburbs...
Dude: This weather! It's a beautiful fucking night, isn't it?
Chick: I know! It's fucking amazing, it's just so fucking sweet!
Dude: Yeah, it is fucking nice out, I wish I could take a piss -- you know, somewhere outside -- and not get arrested!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Yes, Is This the Registrar? I'd Like to Request a Single
Guy: Dude, you want to see my balls?
Roommate: [Silence.]
Guy: I just shaved my balls.
Roommate: [Silence.]
Guy: Dude, just touch my balls. They're smooth, just touch them with your elbow.
Roommate: [Silence.]
Guy: Ew! Dude, you just touched my balls with your elbow!
--Fordham University
... And He Had the Smallest Penis We'd Ever Seen!
Pissing dude to couple walking: Hey! Hey! Don't look! I am, in fact, urinating.
Friend: Yeah, sorry to ruin your night of flowers and romance, but at least you have a good story to tell your friends now.
--81st & Amsterdam
Wednesday One-Liners Keep It in Their Mattresses
Suit: I pay my money, I cross my legs, and I say, 'Entertain me.'
--52nd St, between 8th & 9th Ave
Woman on cell: Money is kind of like a metaphor for life.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Eavesdropper
Street performer: Hey, little children, if your parents don't give you money to give us, it means they don't love you!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Allison
Guy on bench: Let Jesus out of your wallet! All you good Christians, I need some of your Jesus money!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Laura
Loud guy: For that kind of money I should stand on my hands and juggle bowling balls out my anus!
--Subway station at 72nd & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Fluffer
Queer arguing with boyfriend: I'm just saying, I think it's weird you shaved your balls and bought porn the one night that I was out of town.
--Outside Bergdorf's, 5th Ave
Creepster on cell: Yeah, I wanted to tell you that I have that girl ready... The one for the video... You can't hear me? I'm on a bus, not an airplane! It's not like I have a cigar in my mouth or anything, and you're telling me you can't understand what I'm saying... Yes, I have her ready for the video... The girl! ... About twenty minutes... Do you have Viagra in your house? Well go get some! You need Viagra so you can be hard for our movie!
--M4 bus
Overheard by: Hoping the 3rd grader next to me wasn't paying attention
Queer on cell: I saw the most fucked-up porno the other day. This guy took his boot off, then smacked this other guy in the face with it, then came all over the table, and then made the other guy lick it up... Oddly enough, I was turned on by it. So, if you ever want to smack me with your boot, give me a call.
--23rd St & 8th Ave
Man sprinting up subway stairs: Hey, man, where peep shows at?
--33rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Brian
20-something chick: He says we'll all be sleeping in a farm house with a pornographer at her wedding.
--Dallas BBQ, Upper East Side
Overheard by: Nipples
Could You at Least Pretend to Be a 14-Year-Old Boy?
Older dude: We know you want to do a 14-year-old boy.
Younger dude: [Smiles uncertainly, speechless.]
Older dude, a few minutes later: I'm not saying you would like to do a 14-year-old boy...
Younger dude: Thank you.
Older dude: I would like to do a 14-year-old boy.
--Fordham
Overheard by: Anthony
Why He Couldn't Land the Page Job in Washington
Sniffer: There are pedophiles everywhere. There are pedophiles in this train right now.
Friend: Mmm-hmmm.
Sniffer: I see them, and I know who they are. I can smell them.
Friend: Mmm-hmmm.
Sniffer: Yeah, I smell you.
--F train, Midtown
No Pins, No Pads, No Belts -- Just Wednesday One-Liners
Fratboy to friends: Other than the bleeding, I'd much prefer pussy.
--Peculiar Pub, LaGuardia & Bleecker
Overheard by: Spanky Van Dyke
Wife on cell: Hon, I think I might be pregnant. I'm getting nervous. I mean, my period's not late, but I feel nauseous.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Snozberry
Guy with hot chick: Yeah, it feels fine! Is your tampon comfortable?
--Houston & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Lazy Mr. Wiggles
Loud lady: You know what my son calls my period?
--Q18 bus
Overheard by: Didn't hang around to hear the rest...
Female employee: My boss hates hearing about menstruation. Any time I want to get him off my back I just tell him I'm having my period. He puts his hands up over his ears like he's hearing nails on a blackboard. If he doesn't leave me alone right away, I tell him my napkin is soaked and I have to change it.
--Peter Luger's, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Big Larry
Dude: What I don't get is, how did he get the tampon in his nose in the first place?
--Lower East Side
I Can't Figure Out What Their Relationship Is
Man: Spanish?
Girl: Not in the mood.
Man: Itaaalian?
Girl: Nooot in the mood.
Man: French?
Girl: [Silence.]
Man: You ever been with a black guy?
--Bus
Overheard by: Jesse
Say, Aren't You My Congressman?
Older man: Hey, can I ask you about that digital camera you have?
20-something guy: Yeah, sure. Thinking of buying one for your kid or someone?
Older man: When you take pictures on that thing, do you have to bring it to the photo store still to get developed?
20-something guy: Oh, no. I mean, you can and they can do it for you, but I usually just print--
Older man: --You can print them at home, right? Okay, good, because I sometimes take personal pictures, and I hesitate to bring them to the photo store. Doing it in private would be better for me. Now, I can delete them or save them in a secret hiding place at home too... Right?
20-something guy: ... Uh, I suppose.
--6 train, Union Square
Overheard by: Matty K
Or We'll Never Finish This Haiku
Middle-aged woman: ... And you can't just tell me what you thought of it?
Middle-aged man: I can tell you. I'll tell you in two words: Anal intercourse.
Middle-aged woman: No, no. Give me three words.
--Broadway & 35th, Astoria
Overheard by: Three's a Crowd
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Better Bedside Manner
Guy: I can't wait 'til I am finished with med school and I can start working as pediatric gynecologist.
--Class, W4th & Mercer
Girl watching another use eye drops: Do you need some help with that? I'm pre-med. I'm qualified.
--Butler Library bathroom, Columbia University
Overheard by: dr. getoffyourhighhorse
Girl patient: Oh my god. The cute doctor just took my urine sample. He walked over and asked me for it. God, it's like, 'I gave her my heart, she gave me... her urine sample.' Should we give him my number?
--Beth Israel Medical Center
Chick on cell: Yeah, the doctor stuck his finger up my ass because I can't shit... Yeah, it hurt. Any ideas I've entertained about anal sex are gone.
--12th Ave & Bay Ridge Pkwy, Brooklyn
Overheard by: What the...
Homeless guy: If you need a gyno doctor, my office is in the box around the corner.
--Lexington subway station
But She Still Won't Go in the Litterbox
Guy #1: Oh my god, you can't believe what I can make her do...!
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: I can get her to lick off peanut butter anywhere on me.
--86th St
Overheard by: Robert Mattera
Actually, I Only Have about Three Non-Beast Shots in Me
College guy #1: You know, the first five or six times a day it's easy to just rub one out, but at, like, seven or eight you gotta start getting inventive.
College guy #2: Ha, ha -- yeah, man.
College girl: ...What?
College guy #1: I mean, that's when you gotta pull out the beastiality and shit to get it done.
College guy #2: Ha, ha -- yeah, man.
College girl: Oh my god, I'm going to need therapy. Can you stop speaking?
--Broadway near NYU
Overheard by: worried that they are our future
Crotchless Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: This is the same girl who has G-strings where her forks and knives should go.
--2nd St & Ave B
Salesgirl: Do you want your boobies up or down?
--Victoria's Secret, Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Linda
Woman: I told Terrence not to pack that stuff in my carry-on. Security threw out all my Victoria Secrets!
--Starbucks, La Guardia airport
Overheard by: Allears
Girl: Only fat girls and porn stars wear Ds. I want to be a C!
--Victoria's Secret, 57th St
Man: Do you want to get some maternity underwear to make you feel sexy?
--Greene St & Prince St
Overheard by: deadzebra
Man: Are you a Jehovah's Witness? 'Cause I don't want you comin' to my house unless you're going to drop your panties!
--PATH train
Overheard by: blkgirl
Girl on cell: Dad? Hi. I just bought a lot of panties at Victoria's Secret. Can you reimburse me? Dad?
--Broadway & Prince St
Overheard by: djingo
Also the Plot of Pretty Woman
Woman missing upper teeth: He was followin' me down the street so I turned around and said, 'Why are you followin' me?'
Friend: Yeah.
Woman missing upper teeth: And he said, 'I wasn't followin' you, I was followin' your ass.' So I said, 'Then take my ass to the clothing store.' And a month later, I moved in with him.
--Manhattan-bound N train
Overheard by: chris
'Cause Obviously She Knew Where That Bus Left From
Woman: Can you tell me where the bus to Rochester is?
Information guy: Gate 63.
Woman: Thank you.
Information guy, after she walks away: Yeah, she wants me to lick her dirty pussy.
--Port Authority Bus Station
Overheard by: Andrew Dill
More Detail Then?
College girl: My friend told me that if you join the Peace Corps, you've got to learn to skin and gut animals. Even if you are a vegetarian!
Redneck guy: I've gutted hundreds of animals.
College girl: I'm morally opposed to gutting animals. I only want to see chicken in Saran Wrap at the grocery store.
Redneck guy: I've gutted about 800 chickens, 200 ducks, 200 deer.
College girl: Please. I don't want to hear about your animal gutting history any more than you want to hear about my sexual history.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Shy
It Wasn't Worth It
Hipster girl: Get your hands off of me, pervert!
Disheveled non-hipster: I ain't got my hands on you! Since you got to go accusing me, well, shit, might as well be guilty! [Grabs her chest]
--L train, Bedford Ave
Overheard by: Dead Man Walking
An Argument for Capital Punishment, in One Act
Guy: God, Elizabeth Smart is hot.
Girl: I know! She makes me want to rape.
Guy: ME TOO! We should find her!
Girl: Wasn't she found?
Guy: Yeah, but I mean find her to abduct her again.
Girl: I'm a raper, not a kidnapper.
Guy: Fine, I'll kidnap her and we can take turns with the rape.
--Flatiron District
Overheard by: Jeff
And This Damned Restraining Order Is Not Helping a Bit
Guy #1: I love how pretty girls smell good.
Guy #2: Yeah. Have you ever sniffed one?
Guy #1: No.
--Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Olivia
Poor Little Guy
Girl #1: I had to close my account.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: I wasn't creeping anyone out. Like, the other day some guy IMs me, and I tell him that I'm really into short guys, like five foot three and under, because I want to feel like I'm fooling around with a little boy.
Girl #2: What did he say?
Girl #1: He asked me if I wanted to meet up. Lavalife freak.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Alex
She Should See the Video
Dude: I know she's your girlfriend, John, but I'd come all over her.
Bartender chick: Wow, that was kind of... graphic.
--The Slaughtered Lamb, Jones & West 4th
Overheard by: Tarkus
Not the Way I Was Raised to Assault a Lady
Guy #1: Whatever happened to good old-fashioned rape?
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Well, nowadays you hear about girls being drugged with, like, military sedatives.
--Fordham University, the Bronx
Overheard by: Jess McGins
It's Scary When Dirtbags Are Planning This Far Ahead
Dirtbag #1: I got her number for you.
Dirtbag #2: I don't want it. If you give it to me, I'm going to throw it out.
Dirtbag #1: She was banging, and she had a sister. Is she banging?
Dirtbag #2: She looked good. Taller. Younger.
Dirtbag #1: We gonna take them to the movies and then to the hotel.
Dirtbag #2: Yeah?
Dirtbag #1: We gonna pull the camcorder out on that.
--Manhattan bound F train
Imagine Whomever You Like. That's What I Do.
Guy: I really wanna kiss you right now.
Girl: So who does that make you: my uncle or my dad?
--Bar, Carroll Gardens
You Owe Us $500. So, Yes.
Client: You don't abuse my dog, do you?
Groomer: Let me check your card.
--Animal clinic, Queens
Better Money Than Her Allowance, But Longer Hours
Old Russian man approaches teen girl and says something in Russian.
Teen girl: What?
Russian man: You don't speak Russian?
Teen girl: No.
Russian man: Oh, well you want job?
Teen girl: No.
Russian man walks away.
Girl's mom: I think he wanted to hire you for an escort service.
--Sheepshead Bay train station, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Waiting for the bus
The Most Expensive Birth Control in the World
Man #1: Aw, man, that's not right. She's pregnant.
Man #2: All the better-- that means you can bust right inside her.
--Boardwalk, Coney Island
Overheard by: Lauren
Wednesday One-Liners Aced Anatomy 101
Mother, to little boy: No, you cannot smell my armpit!
--Keyspan Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jesse
Doctor on cell: Look, having knees doesn't make you special.
--Oustide New York Presbyterian Hospital
Ghetto chick: When she's asleep, I'm gonna squat on her brain.
--16th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: alyssa
Father of little girl who has just hit her head: Did your brain fall out?
--Chili's, Staten Island
Overheard by: Ada and Andi
Chick: His teeth are really straight. But that's because he was home-schooled.
--Baskin Robbins, 23rd & 8th
Guy: Every time a girl sees my teeth, she's like, "Naaah." I'm gonna get this whole shit redone, where they take them all out and replace the whole thing. It costs like $20,000...Only thing is you have to go two months without any teeth.
--29th St & 33rd Ave, Astoria
Middle-aged man, to college girl in skirt: Excuse me, miss, you have very nice legs. Have you ever thought about doing voice-overs?
--31st & 6th
Overheard by: plo
Teenage boy: Who wants to play guess which body part am I fidgeting?
--North Gannon & Bradley, Staten Island
Overheard by: Shamrocknroll
The Legacy of the Sixties
Two men pass each other on the street.
Middle-aged man #1: Hey!
Middle-aged man #2: I didn't recognize you with clothing on.
--62nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Rachel
Mommy Told Me I Should Find a Cop When People Ask Me Questions Like That
Kid #1: Do they have gay clothing stores?
Kid #2: Wherever all the gay people are.
Big dude: You guys wanna go watch a Menudo video or something?
--115th & Broadway
Overheard by: Mixmaster Mike
Patient Zero Returns
Dude in shorts: I love seeing how many people I can touch in the mornings.
--2 train at 72nd St
Overheard by: drendar
Girls Will Do Anything for a Free Makeover
Girl #1: I just don't know what he sees in me.
Girl #2: Maybe the same thing you see in him.
Girl #1: Well, I like him because his dad's a mortician.
--Park Slope
It's How I Make Sure I'm Hydrated
Guy #1: It's never too early for public urination.
Guy #2: Didn't you get a ticket for that once?
Guy #1: Yeah, but that was on the subway.
--11th & Ave A
Overheard by: luilya
Coincidentally, 'A Fun Place Where Children Can Learn' Was What He Called His Van
Girl: Would you be interested in hearing about a fun place where children can learn?
Man: No, I'm not allowed because I'm a registered felon.
Girl: Well, have a nice day!
--outside SCORE! Educational Center, Union Turnpike
Overheard by: Pfeff
Every Long-haired Boy Eventually Runs Screaming to SuperCuts
Unitarian teen: Yeah, we're here for a poverty conference.
Flamboyant MAC salesman: Wow! You guys are so cool! Are there any boys there?
Unitarian teen: Well, really just Keegan.
Flamboyant MAC salesman: Oh my god! Are you a boy? Oh my god, I'm so tripped out! I thought you were some hippy dippy chick or something!
--MAC, Soho
Overheard by: girl in MAC
And Her Sisters, While You're at It
Black guy #1: No son, you're cousins by marriage. It's not blood, so it's like you not even related. That shit doesnt count, son.
Black guy #2: Oh, for reals? So I can fuck with her and shit?
--F train
Overheard by: pearlywhirly
How Little Is Little?
Guy #1: What if it's a crime or something?
Guy #2: So what? It's not like you're a rapist or anything. It's not like you had sex with a little girl, right?
--Prospect Park
Has He Learned Nothing in Four Years?
Intern suit: So how do I get that pre-freshman to give me a handjob?
Girl: Do you realize that you're graduating from college soon, and you're asking me this?
--60th & Lex
Overheard by: grossed out
I'm About to Anticlimax
Guy #1 eating an ice cream cone: Look at these babes.
Guy #2 eating an ice cream cone: Look at these jugs.
Guy #1: Look at these bombs.
Guy #2: Holy shit! Russian Scuds!
Guy #1: Look at these torpedos!
Guy #2: Look at these fun bags!
Guy #1: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! What a babe!
Guy #2: Yeah, but her friend has to do something with that can.
--Broadway & 22nd
Overheard by: Eric Wenstrom
I Don't Care How Cheap the Gay Porn Is
Guy #1: I couldn't not buy it.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'm thinking about it too. It's totally worth it.
Guy #1: I mean, there are two real porn stars in it. If it was just one, I could have passed it up.
Guy #2: Yeah, man. But for that price, you almost have to do it!
--4th Avenue between 11th & 12th
Overheard by: Corinne Hears-All
That's Going to Be Some Honeymoon
Guy: That seems like a weird match to me.
Girl: Well, I guess they have a lot in common.
Guy: Like what?
Girl: Like they both like to eat snot.
Guy: Huh? Like, snot snot?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: They both like to eat snot?
Girl: Yes.
Guy: Wow...Well, good for them.
--Nederlander Theater, West 41st Street
Overheard by: Allyson H.
What Every Girl Longs to Hear
Guy: You could try working out.
Girl: I do work out.
Guy: Are you going to take that hip-hop class?
Girl: No.
Guy: I think I'm going to take that hip-hop class just so I can serve you. I'm going to go down there and serve you.
--3rd Avenue & 11th Street
Deleted Scenes for the DVD
Drunk guy: King Kong ain't got nothing on God almighty!
Sober girl: Stop touching me, you dirty old man.
Drunk guy: I ain't touching you, woman.
Sober girl: I don't do trash.
Drunk guy: That's why I wanchu.
--Q train
Overheard by: Ted Danger, esq.
There's an Extra Fee for Her to Actually Look
Guy in stall #1: $700? Fuck that shit...And she won't even do anything but dance? Not even a--you know?
Guy in stall #2: That's right. I said, "If you're not going to touch me, what's the point?" I want more than a dance. These girls have it too easy.
Guy in stall #1: Fuck her! I can get a hooker in my room for $300 and she'll stay till I finish.
--Lace men's room, 7th Avenue
Overheard by: E.C.
"--this is where I get off."
Woman: Crowded in here, huh?
Guy: Ha, we'll be engaged by the 8th floor.
Woman: Ha.
Guy: Ready to have kids?
Woman: Ha.
Guy: I was about to say something obscene, but--
Woman: Say it.
--Silver Center elevator, Washington Square East
Overheard by: adam
Wednesday One-liners Watch Too Much TV
Dude: Are you suggesting MacGyver is my penis?
--F train
Overheard by: Giovanni Diaz
Instructor : Creepy :: Pope : Catholicism
LSAT guy: Okay, Kelly doesn't know the answer to this one, so I'm going to call on her.
Kelly: Shit.
LSAT guy: You have no idea how much satisfaction that gives me, getting that response. I'm a total masochist in the classroom...and in the bedroom.
--Crowne Plaza Hotel, East 42nd Street
You'll Just Be Blueballed
Drunk girl: I love scrotum!
Guy: Dude, we should completely ask her to come home with us.
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: danie
What About the Other Nineteen Minutes?
Girl: If you were going to die twenty minutes from now, what would
you do?
Guy #1: I'd take you into the back and do you. What about you?
Girl: Yeah, I'd probably have sex with you, too.
Guy #2: I think I'd rape someone.
--Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: Gradie Smith
Spit, Swallow or Wednesday One-liners?
Teen guy: Yeah, I fucked that retarded girl. She didn't really know what was going on...but I busted in her.
--Cobble Hill
Overheard by: Philec
"Mmgph" Must Mean No, Too
Girl: So you totally raped me with the pot pipe.
Guy: Well, it was only in the mouth.
--Hank's Saloon, DUMBO
Guy #1: Dude, that chick is hot.
Guy #2: Man, I think I got a roll of duct tape somewhere with her name on it.
--23rd & West Side Highway
It's Straightened Pubes, Glued Together
Girl #1: Whoa man, you look totally creepy. Like a creepy molester.
Girl #2: It's a molestache!
--B-Side, Avenue B
Keep That Glowing Finger Away From Me
Guy #1: Me and Dave tried to shoplift some porn last night.
Guy #2: What do you mean "tried?"
Guy #1: The alarm went off, but we didn't get caught. 24 hours of teens for $15. I had a twenty but it was in my pocket instead of my wallet, otherwise I woulda just paid for it
Guy #2: I bet if you watched that for 24 hours you'd look like when E.T.'s sick in the river.
--34th & 9th
Overheard by: dubbel cheese
That's Pretty Much What They Invented Clubs For
Two guys and a girl are walking down a street when a strange man sitting in an office chair rolls toward them.
Chair guy: Ah, this girl got two boyfriends! Mmm...Can a black man join the club? Can...a black man....join the club. Join the club.
--4th & Jane
Overheard by: marissa
If She Really Liked Him, She'll Wake Up All Shitty
Woman: Bye, see you around!
Parks guy: Bye! Dream of me! You might wake up wet.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Nicole Weber
All You Eastern Hemisphere People are the Same
Guy: Those accents are hot! Where you guys from? New Zealand? Australia or somethin'?
British girl #1: Ugh! I never!
British girl #2: How could confuse a London accent for Australia, of all places?
--BLVD, The Bowery
Overheard by: E Diddy
I Can Visualize Her Walk Exactly
Guy: Hey pretty lady, what's your hurry? Can I have some of that?...Oh, come on, share your candy, pretty lady.
Lady: It's Pepto Bismol, not candy.
Guy: Walk on, crappy lady, walk on.
--88th & Broadway
Overheard by: Lizzie
Bird's Eye: Hitting the Target in the Freezer
Dude #1: Hey, keep a lookout, I gotta piss and I'm gonna go in the freezer.
Dude #2: Looks like I can't buy frozen burritos here anymore.
--Pathmark, Staten Island
Shanks Has a Girlfriend? Baloney!
Man #1: So, shit, man, what was it like in prison?
Man #2: I learned how to make a girl out of three baloney sandwiches.
--L train
Overheard by: Sarah Lippek
Clearly the Googleionaires Have Never Walked the NYC Streets
Date: Tue, 2 Aug 2005 11:51:21 -0700
From: Google AdSense
To: morgan@westegg.com
Subject: Google AdSense Account Status
Cc: Google AdSense
Hello Steven,
Thank you for your interest in Google AdSense. After reviewing your application, our program specialists have found that it does not comply with our policies. Therefore, we're unable to accept you into Google AdSense at this time.
We did not approve your application for the reasons listed below. If you are able to resolve these issues, please feel free to reply to this email for reconsideration when you have made the changes.
Issues:
- Inappropriate language
---------------------
Further detail:
Inappropriate language: We've found that your website contains content that isn't in compliance with our program policies. We don't allow websites with excessive profanity or potentially offensive content to participate in Google AdSense. Please review our policies(https://www.google.com/adsense/policies?hl=en_US) for a complete list of site content not allowed on web pages.
[Surely they don't mean "nigga"? --Ed.]
"...are you busy after work?"
Stocker guy #1: Hey, listen to this.
Stocker guy #2: Yeah?
Stocker guy #1: So I'm driving home last night, and my cell phone rings. And it's a number that I don't recognize. I pick it up, and say, "Hello?" And there's this woman's voice, and she's like, "Is this Michael?" and I say, "Yeah." So I'm thinkin' it's that girl I met the other day, that I gave my number to. And she's like, "Did you meet a girl at 88th and 2nd?" And I'm like, "Yeah." "How old are you?" she asks. And I like, I say, "I'm 34", but I'm really 44. And then she's like, "Well, she's 15. This is her mother."
--Food Emporium, 87th & Madison
Memento 2 Falls Far Short of the Original
Sandwich guy: Hey there pretty girl, you want your usual turkey sandwich?
Girl: Yes, please.
Sandwich guy: You're the mayo girl, right?
Girl: No, mustard. So have you learned my sandwich yet?
Sandwich guy: Yes, of course. Ham?
Girl: No, turkey.
Sandwich guy: Lettuce and tomato, right?
Girl. No tomato.
Sandwich guy: Swiss cheese, right?
Girl: No, cheddar.
Sandwich guy: You said mayo?
--97th & Amsterdam deli
Especially Not While She's Rare
Girl: Stop staring, pervert.
Guy: You ain't all that hot.
Girl: I am not a hamburger! You can't eat me!
--3 train
Overheard by: Jose
It's to Be Expected, Shopping There
A woman with a cart full of baby products is prompted by an old man for her receipt.
Old man: I see you are buying diapers. Any chance you would date an older man and change his diapers? Are you a school teacher?
The woman grabbed her receipt and quickly walked away.
--BJ's, Gateway Center
Overheard by: Cathleen
Forget Get That Tool; She's Not Loose
Guy: Are you a robot?
Chick: What?
Guy: Are you a robot? Because I think you need some repairs.
Chick: No, I'm not.
Guy: Are you sure? Because I got a screwdriver in my back seat.
--Broadway between Spring & Broome
Overheard by: Jessica Jaglois
Never Give Grammy Your Phone Number
Guy on speaker phone: Hello?
Girl: Hi! I'd like to schedule a bikini wax.
Guy on speaker phone: Um, I don't do those professionally. Just sort of as a hobby.
Girl: Oh, ha ha. Well, can I schedule an unprofessional bikini wax?
Guy on speaker phone: I'm not certified. My technique is too controversial.
Girl: Controversy makes me hot.
Guy on speaker phone: Who the hell is this?
--M66 bus
There's More to Making Love Than Fucking
Guy: I adore this cup so much I'm gonna make love to it.
Chick: You really are a sick bastard.
--68th & West End
Just Practicing for a Future Prison Sentence
Meathead #1: Dude, you saw Mitzo was found "Not Guilty" of child molestation, right?
Meathead #2: Yeah I did. Have you talked to him?
Meathead #1: Yeah, we were doing high-fives over some little girl's back while we sodomized her.
--Victor's Gym, Sherman Avenue
Overheard by: jermaine propane
Don't Forget Grandma Today Either!
Woman #1: I got my grandmother the hugest card for Mother's Day. She likes things that are really big.
Man: See, and they always told me that size doesn't matter.
Woman #1: It really doesn't matter what it says; she doesn't understand English, anyway.
Woman #2: Do you think giving her the big card makes her understand it better the same way people think that talking louder to people who can't speak English make them understand you?
--14th Street elevator
Happy Unprotected Sex Day!
Letch: So, are you traveling for business or pleasure?
PYT: Neither, I'm going to see my mother.
--JFK Airport bar
Chick: So I said to him, "Your mom's dead, so why don't you chill with us on Mother's Day?"
--Thompson & Houston
Overheard by: Tommy Raiko
Looks Like She's the One Doing the Sharing
Man #1: Yo, tell him about it!
Man #2: OK, so I got two hookers tonight, but if you want we can get more.
Man #3: That's all right man, sharing is caring.
--NA, 14th Street
Overheard by: Katerina Leznik
Translation: I Crave Cock
Husband: Sex with you is great, but it's no substitute for pepperoni!
--Stop & Shop supermarket, Ridgewood
Overheard by: Dawn
"...I do intend to continue lying to us."
Editor: So she went to this party in San Diego and got slipped a roofie. The guy couldn't even get her home. She had to be taken straight to the hospital. It's one of those things that you feel terrible for her, but also find awfully titillating.
Art Director: Wow. Crossing the line...
Editor: Hey, I will not keep secrets from myself or you!
--Midtown office
Sexuality: The Subtle Art of the Unspoken
Girl: You have a stain on the front of your pants.
Boy: I have a stain from your front on my pants.
--N train
Having Your Pie and Eating It Too
Sleazeball: I don't want to break up; I want to sleep with someone else.
--Penang, UWS
Overheard by: Phyllis Overstreet
Santa Claus is Coming!
Cameraman: They actually have a huge problem every year at Rockefeller Center with all the people standing around at the ice rink and the tree. Guys will jerk off and rub up against people.
--9th Ave. and 55th
Overheard by: Meredith
Why Not Just Rent?
Bachelor: I'm going to find out where all the hookers are, and I'm going to buy that.
--2nd Ave & 5th St.
Queer Eye for the Queer Guy
Man: Just a little gay boy, yes. But a little gay boy with a big ass dick.
--S. Williamsburg
Ed.: What's an ass dick?
