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Sad Truth: He Did Know -- He Just Wanted to Make His Home Life Sound Exotic
Diner: That's an interesting accent. Are you Jamaican?
Waiter: No, I'm from Trinidad.
Diner: Oh! My sister spent a year in Kenya!
Waiter: You know that Trinidad is in the Caribbean, right?
Diner: Oh. No, I guess I didn't.
--Alice's Teacup Restaurant, 73rd & Columbus
Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up
Salad guy: I have bleu cheese and goat cheese, too.
Customer: What's bleu cheese?
Salad guy: It's a sad cheese.
--Hale & Hearty Soup
Yeah, We've Got That
Employee: Welcome to Staples! Can I help you find something?
Lucky guy: Yeah, actually -- staples.
--Staples, Union Square
Of Course I Do -- I'm a Stockholder
Frustrated customer: You know, I don't even know why I come here. Every time I have to wait on line forever -- something's always broken, something's always wrong... I should just go somewhere else!
Cashier: ... Do you have a Club Card?
--Duane Reade, 8th & Broadway
Justifiably Indignant?
White male customer: I want a small black coffee.
East Indian female cashier: Do you want cream and sugar in that?
White male customer: No, I want it black.
East Indian female cashier: Black?
White male customer, pointing at picture of black man in ad on the wall: Yes, black! I want it to look like that guy!
--Dunkin' Donuts, 53rd & Lex
Overheard by: next in line
How Gwendolyn Got an Onion Bagel with Spit on It
Clerk: Ma'am, you did not order an onion bagel.
Biotech: Yes, I did. You're wrong.
Clerk: Let me read back your order. [Does so.]
Biotech: Look, I said you're wrong. You're wrong and you're ugly!
--875 3rd Ave
Grande Caramel Urinatio, Coming Up!
Barista, mumbling under her breath: Just because you have to catch your damn bus...
Hurried customer, handing over credit card: Grande Caramel Macchiato [walks away from counter].
Barista: Sir, don't you want your card back?
Hurried customer: Oh, you can keep it. Don't you want to go to Bergdorf?
Barista: [Blank stare.]
Hurried customer: You know -- Bergdorf Goodman in Midtown. Expensive designer stuff!
Barista: I have enough credit -- I don't need your friggin' card.
--Starbucks, Park Row & Beekman
Overheard by: compnerd aka
This Urn of Scalding Decaf Says You Are Mistaken
Waiter: Excuse me, sir -- can you finish up your coffee? We're closing.
Customer: What do you mean? It's only 10:30! You close at eleven.
Waiter: Well, we changed the hours, and we now close at 10:30.
Customer: Well, last time I checked, I am a customer and I am right about a lot of stuff, and I say you close at eleven.
--Coffee shop, 20th & 1st
Overheard by: PJ
Jesus Will Try Anything to Impress Us These Days
Man: The one time I bought a steak from here I left it out and it turned all brown.
Cashier: Yeah?
Man: Yeah... But then the next time I just put it in my pocket and it stayed good all day.
--D'Agastino
Overheard by: kimmy-yo
Headline by: Gaping MAW
Runners-Up:
· "Don't Ask Where He Keeps the A-1..." - the horologist
· "Gives a Whole New Meaning to Meat-packing" - Gosia
· "He Said, As He Pulled Out His Penis." - Allan
· "I Got a T-Bone in My Pocket with Your Name on It" - Marc Bernard
· "My Crotch Always Has a Chilling Effect" - Rhys Southan
· "Worst Pickup Artist Ever" - smittie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
French Vanilla Means a Regular and a Handjob
LI girl: Wait, where's the milk for the coffee?
Cashier: The sugar's right here.
LI girl: No, I want milk. Don't you have any milk in this whole place? For coffee?
Cashier: No, because you said you want regular.
LI girl: Yeah, regular -- like 'not decaf.'
Cashier: No. Regular is 'no milk.'
LI girl: No. Black is like this -- 'no milk.'
Cashier: No. Black is 'not hazelnut.'
Onlooker: Learn how to order or get out of the way.
--Ess-a Bagel, 21st & 1st
Overheard by: Jackie G
NYC Rules Require This to Continue Until the First "Fuck You"
Chubby girl customer: So, no fights in here today?
Middle-aged sandwich artist: What happened to you?
Chubby girl customer: I was scared to come back after last time!
Middle-aged sandwich artist: No, I mean, you're gaining weight.
--Subway sandwich shop, Times Square
Overheard by: Emma
Mom Had Quite a Mouth on Her
Customer: How you doin'?
Postal worker: I'm working harder than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
Customer: Sounds pretty bad.
Postal worker: Well, it's better than my mother. She used to say she was working harder than a one-legged whore working both sides of the street.
--Grand Central Post Office, 45th & Lex
How Could You Not Love This Town?
Cashier: How are you?
Customer: Do you want the honest answer?
Cashier: Yes.
Customer: I feel like the business end of a donkey. I am extremely hungover and did a mountain of cocaine last night. Now I have to make dinner for a 68-year-old gay artist who is trying to fuck me.
Cashier: I'm... sorry.
Customer: And the woman I love is in another state pregnant with her ex-boyfriend's baby, and I wish the baby was mine. And I'm sleeping with a dominatrix. And it's all true.
--Whole Foods
You Tell Me -- He's Right There Next to the Tuna
Fish guy: Yeah, my dad died of colon cancer in 2001.
Blonde: Oh, how's he doing?
--Grocery store, Astoria
Overheard by: Dustin
Headline by: Mr. Gee
Runners-Up:
· "'Great Listener' Is On Her Resumee" - Denny
· "Decomposing Quite Nicely, Thank You for Asking" - RBNY
· "I'd Say His Condition Is Stable" - Tadzio
· "Rolling Over About Now" - Kaitlen
· "Rotting, No Doubt" - Katy
· "Well, Mom Won't Share a Bed with Him Anymore." - Cassie
· "Worst Pick-up, Best Blow-off" - halfknot
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Certainly, Mr. Hasselhoff
Customer: Um, excuse me, I ordered a root beer float, but you gave me a beer float.
Burger girl: Oh my god... I'm sorry.
Customer: I mean, I like your custard, and I like beer, but...
Random guy: Hey, can I have it?
--The Shake Shack
Overheard by: craig and cory
... You Deluded Fatbag
Customer: I'd like to return this shirt. It fits me just right, but the tag says 'Large,' and I don't wear a size Large.
Returns person: Okay, no problem.
--H&M, 34th & 7th
Overheard by: Andrea Reese
Unless You've Got a Fucking Fairy Godmother
Girl: But the other guy was supposed to get me those shoes. Why can't you get them for me?
Shoe dude: Ma'am, no one will ever get you those shoes.
--Shoemania, Union Square
Overheard by: moodle
New York's Fruitifying Effect on Men
Waiter: We do have a great selection of cocktails.
Customer: That just makes me feel queer.
--Max Brenner's, 14th & Broadway
And Remember Us for All Your Asphyxiation Needs
Customer: I need cigarettes.
Cashier, pleasantly: How would you like to kill yourself?
Customer, expressionless: Newports.
Cashier: Here you go.
--CVS, 25th & 6th
NewsFlash: Woman Buying Rolling Paper Has Memory Loss. Film at 11.
Lady buying cigarette paper: When did the price go up to $1.25?!
Cashier: Three months ago... And you've asked me every day since.
--Blue Diner Deli, 92nd & 1st
Overheard by: Karen Bernstein
I've Tried the Police, but We Keep Getting Disconnected
Diva customer: How do I find out who was answering the phone this morning?!
Salesgirl: Um... It could have been anybody, I'm not sure...
Diva customer: Pshhh.
Salesgirl: I'm sorry. Why did you want to know?
Diva customer: Because this girl I talked to told me that you all had the Erin Skinny Destroyed jeans in the light color, and now y'all don't have them, and I wanna report her!
Salesgirl: Um... Sorry.
--Abercrombie & Fitch, 5th Ave
Is That Mayonnaise in Your Coffee?
Middle-aged white lady: What are you trying to do? You are so rude! I can't believe you! I am going to get you fired!
Clerk: [Silence.]
Middle-aged white lady, to entire line: Can you believe these people? They are so rude! I can't believe they are trying to short me my coffee! It's unbelievable!
Young black man: Stop being so white.
--Dunkin' Donuts, Atlantic & 4th, Brooklyn
It Goes Perfectly with Naked Ladies and Stereotyping
Stripper: Hey, baby! You got a cigarette?
Gentleman customer: No, baby. I'm Jamaican -- I only smoke the herb.
--Scores, East Side
Not Too Hot, Though
Customer, impatiently: Give me an iced coffee. And make it with steamed milk.
Shop assistant: Iced coffee? With steamed milk?
Customer: What, you can't do that? Okay, okay -- make it a regular coffee with steamed milk, then.
--Coffee shop, Bleecker St
Overheard by: Nic Oatridge
Where Can I Get Some of That, by the Way?
Bodega guy: What do you want?
Redneck: Camel Lights. Hard pack.
Bodega guy: $6.95.
Redneck: What? You fuckin' kiddin' me? That's higher than a giraffe's pussy!
--106th & Columbus
Overheard by: Marc
Never Come Back Here Again, Mr. Simpson
Customer: Do you sell Lacoste here?
Sales associate: No, but they have a door right down on Spring Street.
Customer: How do I get there?
Sales associate: You go out our front door, make a right, and at the intersection make a left and the Lacoste store is right around the corner.
Customer: And they sell Lacoste there?
--Bloomingdales, Soho
Burglar: Ow, Shit! WTF?!
Customer: I'm looking for a kitchen table, some chairs, and a coffee table.
Sales guy: Wow, your place must be very big!
Customer: Not really. That's about all that will fit.
--Surprise! Surprise! store, East Village
I'm Putting 10300 Staten Island. Thank You!
Box office attendant: Sir, can I have your zip code, please?
Ticket-buyer: No! You people are not going to call me!
--Beacon Theater
When Are You Not?
Barista #1: Dude, that would be awesome.
Barista #2: That's crap. That would look stupid, and I will give you 50 bucks if you find me one!
Barista #1: Deal.
Customer: What are you guys talking about?
Barista #2: Human cheetah man.
--Tea Lounge, Union St
The UN Finally Sent in Peacekeeping Forces
Customer: But I just gave you 10 dollars.
Male barista: No, I gave you 10 dollars, which was a mistake.
Customer: Wait. Wait. No, you gave me twenty.
Male barista: Can I have it back?
Customer: No! It's my change!
Male barista: But you just gave me 10 dollars!
--Starbucks
Overheard by: alanna
I Hate These Clown Shoes!
Customer to cashier: Can I have a job application, please?
Cashier to manager: I need a job application for this guy.
Manager: Why in the hell would you want to work here? I'm trying to quit!
--McDonald's, Queens College
Then May I Suggest the Grilled Water?
Woman: Does the breakfast burrito come with fries?
Waitress: Yes.
Woman: Uh-uh. I can't be having a tortilla and potatoes -- I'm working on my pretty.
--Blue Moon, 17th & 8th
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
This Might Have Continued Indefinitely Had It Not Been for the Robbery
Customer: Hi, I'd like a ham and cheese sandwich, please.
Deli worker: We're out of roast beef.
Customer: A ham and cheese sandwich, please.
Deli worker: I told you, there's no roast beef.
Customer, slower: A sandwich with ham and cheese?
Deli worker: But there's no roast beef.
--Broadway & Exchange
I Kinda Miss Watching You Sleep
Woman buying bagel: Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. I guess you're not sleeping with my roommate anymore.
Bagel cashier: Hey! How have you been?
--Flatbush Ave
There Goes That Young Man's 10-Cent Tip
Old UES lady: We want to split the salad. Can they do that for us?
Waiter, patiently: I'm sorry, we don't split the salads in the kitchen, but I can bring you an extra plate.
Old UES lady: Ugh, I just find that so offensive.
--Candle 79 Restaurant
Overheard by: sypmathetic former waitress
Bitch, I Don't Know Your Life!
Cashier: Do you want a bag?
Elderly Village-type customer: Do I want a bag? What, am I gonna carry it out in my mouth?
--Strand Bookstore, 12th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jake Elwell
If So, You Should Take My Dad's Card
Father: Will you be in tomorrow?
Techie #1: Unfortunately, no, sir.
Father: Well, then who will I yell at if anything goes wrong with the computer?
Techie #2: You could always yell at me, sir!
Daughter, uncertain: ... Do you... like to be yelled at?
--Circuit City, Union Square
Like Being Pummeled by Thousands of Tiny Penises
Salesman demonstrating massager on self: It's supposed to be heavy so that the weight of it helps massage your shoulders.
Middle-aged woman, unimpressed: What about that one?
Salesman, picking up new massager: This is a vibrator.
Middle-aged woman: [Stunned silence.]
Salesman: Uh, I mean, it operates using vibration -- the first one's called a percussion massager. It's just a... different type of massager.
--Brookstone, Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: she didn't buy either one
Dried-Up Spinal Fluid Is So 1994
Customer: So, what's new? Been a while...
Waitress: Not much. Kind of a weird day, though. [The owner] was in here with his kid earlier, though, and he was doing E.
Customer: Wow.
Waitress: 'Wow' is right. I mean, seriously -- who does E anymore?
--Pizza Shop, Mott St, Soho
Now I Don't Think I Can Finish My Meal
Girl to friend: Man, every time I pass this place the people sitting outside talk shit about me.
Outdoor customer to friend: Check out those ugly boots.
--13th & 3rd
What Arthur Got Was More of an Expectoresso
Customer: I'll have a large espresso.
Barista: Coffee?
Customer: No, black tar heroin!
Barista: Right away, sir.
--Starbucks, Staten Island
Knit One, Pearly Gates Two
Woman #1: This sweater is 80 dollars?! My grandmother could knit this!
Woman #2: Wow, really?
Woman #1: Well, no, she's dead... But you know what I mean.
--The Gap
Where Lawyers Come From
Spazzed customer: Yo, dude, I need something to help me concentrate. I have to take a really big test and then I can forget it all. I have to take the bar -- have you heard of that? It's for being a lawyer.
Employee: Um, well, we have this herbal product to increase the blood flow to your brain.
Spazzed customer: Can I smoke pot with it?
Employee: Uh, sure.
Spazzed customer: Great. You take credit cards?
Employee: Yeah.
Spazzed customer: Great, thanks [leaves the store without buying anything].
--GNC, Astoria
That 's Up to You, Sir
Cranky old guy looking at belts: Is this real fucking leather?!
Pakistani vendor: Yes, sir. It is real fucking leather.
Ethnically ambiguous 20-ish male: Are these real fucking hats?
--St. Mark's Pl, between 3rd & 2nd
Overheard by: MC Sluttner
FTC to Weigh in on K-Y / Land O'Lakes Merger
Customer: Can I see the smallest thing of K-Y you have?
Clerk: You should just use butter. It's better and it's cheaper.
--Drug store, 8th Ave, Chelsea
Overheard by: Mike M
As Soon As I Come Down Off This Acid
Man: Oh my god. This coffee right here -- the best coffee I've ever had.
Employee: And only 85 cents!
Man: 85 cents! Look at that! You can't get anything in New York for only 85 cents!
Girl holding Skittles: Except Skittles.
Man: What is that? What's it called?
Girl: Skittles.
Man: Oh, man, I gotta get me some of that stuff.
--Happy Mart, 8th St
Overheard by: happy customer at happy mart
Didn't Have the Heart to Tell Her It Was a Gold Jerry Garcia
Trendy female customer: I like your Jesus necklace. Do you believe in Jesus the Almighty?
Sales dude: I do.
Trendy female customer: As you should.
--Marc Jacobs, Bleecker
Overheard by: Andrea Quijano