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Your Reality Is Bereft of Wonder, Harold
Bag lady: Heyyy! Look at the size of that turtle! It's huuuge!
Hobo: That ain't no turtle -- that's a trashcan!
--Bowery & Rivington
Where Being Hung Up on Semantics Gets You
Bag lady: Don't you call me no grandma! That ain't right. I'm a 'nana,' not a 'grandma.'
Hobo: I ain't call you no grandma -- I called you a old lady.
Bag lady: Oh, okay. Yeah, that's right, 'cause I ain't no grandma!
--145th & St. Nicholas Ave
Overheard by: Big Momma's Biscuit Eater
Charlie Sheen, Is That You?
Bag lady: Excuse me, everyone-- if you could be generous enough to make a donation... My husband got sick and is out of work, and I'm trying to raise some money for us to eat. He's staying over at the shelter right now.
Dude: Stand by your man. My wife left me to fuck rich guys when I was down on my luck.
--L train
I've Been Yearning to Test Out My New Guillotine, Anyway
Bag lady #1: Keep movin', lady! You just keep movin'!
Bag lady #2: I don't acquiesce to no Irish! I don't acquiesce to no Irish! I'll cut the police commissioner's neck off! I'll cut his neck off!
--7th Ave, between 23rd & 24th
Overheard by: CKJ
Arthur Never Learned Not to Talk to Strangers
Bag lady: You look like you got a shitty job!
Suit: Do you even have a job?
Bag lady: Oh, yeah, I do all kinds of jobs. Hand jobs, blowjobs, foot jobs...
Suit: That's not what I meant--
Bag lady: --Tit jobs...
--6 train
Overheard by: Digeridude
Did You Skip Hobo Charm School?
Crazy bag lady: You got any matches, bitch?
Tourist girl: No...
Crazy bad lady: You got a lighter, bitch?
Tourist girl: No, I don't smoke.
Crazy bad lady: Oh. Then you got any cigarettes, bitch?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: nonsmoker's friend
I Feel I Have Earned These Seats
Conductor: Please sit up.
Bag lady lying across several seats, staring at lights: Why won't everyone leave me alone? [Begins loud, incoherent screaming.]
Conductor, backing away slowly: Okay, never mind.
Bag lady, to passenger: So, I tied him up. I gave him a Viagra, and I rode him for seven hours. And that's why I look like this.
--A train
Overheard by: Urban Cowboy
Fortunately, She Still Got Accepted to Cornell
Bag lady: 54, 55, 56, 57, 58...
Hipster boy running by: 64, 23, 17, 81!
Bag lady: No! Stop it! Stop it! This always happens to me!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Suburban Liz
Wednesday One-Liners As Portrayed by Steinbeck
Hobo, after playing keyboard and screaming Christmas carols: Ladies and gentlemen, if you have any change I would greatly appreciate it. It would be going to a good cause -- I need a lot of therapy.
--L stop, Union Square
Overheard by: sunny maguire
Crazy hobo to no one: It's the Hudson River -- it moved! On Christmas day, it will be April 15th. Sign my petition.
--M15 bus, Ave A
Overheard by: Getting off at next stop
Hobo: I'll be your lover for a month if you buy me a motorcycle.
--79th & Broadway
Hobo to puddle: You don't fucking know, man. Shit. You don't fucking know.
--Penn Station
Homeless woman at 11 in the morning: I'm sorry to bother you all. I am homeless, and I haven't had a decent meal since earlier today.
--F train to Brooklyn
Overheard by: I hadn't had a decent meal at all at that time
Hobo to hobo friend: Yo, let me get your e-mail!
--W 27th St
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No... 40 grand, and I'll suck your dick.
--Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can't teach you anything if you don't practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
--78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya'll!
--2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That's NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, 'Are you on Restless?' And I was like, 'Yeah,' and then she dropped to her knees!
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you're married, and I don't need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
--Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
Would You Feel Better If We Called It 'Alms'?
Hobette: Can you spare any food? I'm very hungry...Can you spare any food? I'm very hungry...Can you spare any food? I'm very hungry.
Passenger: The Homeless Coalition man is one car ahead and is offering food.
Hobette: I'll buy my own food. I don't need no charity!
--Downtown R train
And What Do You Want? I'm an Asshole.
Guy: Hey, Margie, you're wearing the same clothes as yesterday.
Bag lady: What do you want? I'm homeless.
--Outdoor cafe, 7th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Brittany
Wednesday One-liners Are a Real Turn-on
Bag lady: Come here! Come here, you fuckin' bitch! Are you too good to
give your fucking wife a hug? Come here, fucking bitch!
--23rd & Madison
I'm Thankful for My Health
Girl #1: Oh no, I can feel my pulse in my neck!
Girl #2: You can always feel your pulse in your neck, douchebag.
Girl #1: No, but it's, like, really strong.
--Washington Square Park
Bag lady: I have osteoporosis.
Hobo: Ostoprognosis? Is that serious?
Bag lady: Well, I might die from it. It makes you boneless. I have no bones. Like a Perdue chicken.
Hobo: So it turns you into a skeleton!
--2 train
Guy: I wish I could turn my fat into gold.
--18th & 5th
Overheard by: basselope
Old cashier lady: Sixteen years ago they gave me 72 hours to live. I only have three arteries in my heart.
Old customer lady: How many are you supposed to have?
Old cashier lady: Four.
Old customer lady: Oh. That's not that bad...
--Stop and Shop, Astoria
Overheard by: Dan
Please God, Say They Didn't Do It on the Train
Bag lady: ...but I got 33 days credit.
Hobo: Yeah, but you know if you get locked up again, you're gonna be there for 60.
Bad lady: I know, then I'll do half.
Hobo: I can't believe that guy did that to you. I'm gonna set him up like a bowling pin. And you know what happens to bowling pins: they get knocked out.
--Staten Island Railway
Overheard by: David D.
Wednesday One-liners Wander New York
Bag lady on pay phone: Well, I'll admit that she's cold, but I don't know about manipulative.
--Times Square
Absolut Hoboroadkill
Bag lady: This guy killed my boyfriend!
Hobo: No, I didn't! Not directly!
Bag lady: He gave him vodka so he fell into a bus!
--Broadway & Waverly
He's So Obviously Some Murderer
Bag lady: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I have not had a meal in four days. If anyone can spare anything I would appreciate it...
Guy: Ma'am? Sit down here a second...Ma'am, these people may be fooled into compassion by your story, but I am not. I was out in the desert in Mexico once, just south of the Big Bend, and went eight days without a bite to eat. Out of pure desperation, on the ninth day I attacked a javelina with a sharp rock. I ate half of that pig raw before the thing quit kicking and died...
Woman: Good God!
Guy: Four days is nothing. If I see you again on the 2nd, and you're up to seven days, I'll take you out for a meal. I've taken up one minute of your time. Pro-rating a six-dollar-an-hour salary, that minute is worth ten cents. That's before taxes of course, but I'm sure your accountant will sort all of that out for you. Good luck.
--6 train
Overheard by: BC Slais
Someone Should Complain to Her Soup-ervisor
Bag lady: Ladies and gentlemen, my husband and I are homeless. We can't stay at our shelter during the day so we come on the train to get food. Today we are asking for money so we can do laundry. Anything you can give will help.
Hobo: Why don't you just admit that you're gonna buy crack? I'm in the same line of work, don't believe her.
--N train
Wednesday One-liners Are Koo Koo
Hobo: Was it right to be kicked out of a house for being an adult with a child mind? You don't get it, lady. There's a whole house of adults with child minds. Whatever. See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!
--F train
Queer: He totally has to understand that he's crazy and that those Martha Stewart people are crazy too!
--27th street office
Crazy lady: Well, I think you should give me my musical instruments back because I know that you've been stealing them every day for the last nine years. Yes, I'm sure! I have proof. You see, that's not music. That's not rock and roll. That's just crazy.
--Bedford Avenue station
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Crazy man: I already told you I don't have no chicken. Besides, I gave you that tree last week.
--54th & 11th
Crazy woman: I've got demons behind me, shit next to me, and the ugly ones in front of me. I need an angel above me.
--World Financial Center
Overheard by: Dr. Ballon
Crazy bag lady: Stay away from the people! Stay away from the idiot Mexicans!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Suit: ...and I swear to God, man, the whole time? That creepy deaf-mute babysitter from across the hall?...is watching me.
--46th & 8th
Overheard by: ballpeen hammer
Crazy lady: I don't believe this. Pussyass son of a fucking faggot!
--Lexington & 23rd
Hobo: Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you!
--19th between 7th & 8th
I Think She Was Hitting on Him
Bag lady: Lay down again so I can run over you.
White guy: Yeah...sure.
Bag lady: I said lay down again so I can hit you with this cart, you spic.
White guy: Have a nice day.
Bag lady: Nice day? I don't want to have a nice day.
--59th & Lexington
Overheard by: Chris
Wednesday One-liners are Out in the Streets
Hobo: Shit, I'm jus' tryin' ta get me some pussy and a beef sandwich.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jason K
Old bag lady: I'm looking for some change, some food, or a sexual partner.
--Lafayette & Great Jones
Hobo: I have something to say! I fucked your daughter! And she liked it! And she was tight!
--W. 4th & University
Overheard by: Snezhana Valdman
Hobo: Too many Police investigations stopping you from reaching your destination? I may be homeless, but I got a brain. It may not be a big brain, but it's usingable!
--Staten Island ferry
Overheard by: Joel Guilbert
Hobo: Well, since you won't give me money, one more thing. Has your sister or girlfriend, I don't know who she is, ever told you that bag does not go with that coat?
--45th & 9th
Overheard by: Paul Schellenberg
Drunk hobo: Hey girl! You look like Aretha Franlin! R-E-S-E-C-P-T! R-E-S-E-C-P-T! Give me some respect!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Evan
Hobo: It's 90 degrees out. Why are we wearing clothes? That's mental illness.
--Rockefeller Center station
The Proctologists Ride The A
Old bag lady: ...but once they stick the epidural in, they can just reach in and pull it out like that!
The very pregnant teenager sitting next to her did not respond...
--R train
Overheard at Our Favorite Pizzeria
Bag Lady: It's always the same! It's always the same!
Woman: Would you like this [crust]?
Bag Lady: No, I want a whole pizza!
--Joe's Pizza, Carmine St.
Overheard by: Rachel W
