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I Got Yer Rhapsody In Blue Right Here!
Tourista #1, about street sign with large bend in middle: Why does the Gershwin Way sign have a curve in it like that?
Tourista #2: I think it's to symbolize Gershwin's music.
New Yorker passerby: A truck backed into it, ya stupid bitches.
--NW corner, E 50 St & Broadway
Overheard by: Big Larry
Thanks -- You, Too
Guy is riding Vespa in bike lane, and girl opens her car door, nearly taking him out.
Girl: I'm sooo sorry about that.
Vespa guy: No, it's my fault.
Girl: Well, fuck you, then.
--Chelsea
NewsFlash: Dispatcher Beaten to Death by Canes. Memorial at Elmont Cemetery Planned.
Old man, with wife: How much is it to Elmont Cemetery?
Car service dispatcher: Will that be one way, or round-trip?
--E 19th St & Ave U, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Arthur
Scene from the Latest Remake of The Parent Trap
Lady: Excuse me, but I have my daughter here!
Man: So do I!
Lady, backing out of train: Fine, whatever. Merry Christmas to you.
Man: Yeah, fuck you, too.
--68th & Lex station
But I Didn't Even Get to the Part about the Drippy Analingus
Guy who just got empty seat: My day just went from good to great!
Tourist lady: Oh? Why was it good?
Guy: I got to hug my therapist and talk about bogus relationships.
Tourist lady: [Stunned silence.]
Guy: TMI?
Tourist lady: Ummm, yes [giggles nervously and turns away].
--6 train, Grand Central
Overheard by: Christine
NewsFlash: Man Asks Directions. Scientists Baffled.
Tourist: Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to 37th Street?
Hipster: Seriously?
Tourist: Well, I'm visiting...
Hipster: Look, man... You're on 42nd Street now. Walk that way, and if the sign says 43rd Street, you're going the wrong way. Turn around and go the other way. When the numbers go down, you're going the right way.
Tourist: So, the streets are numerical.
Passerby #1: Jesus Christ!
Passerby #2: Oh, you people stop it! He didn't know there would be math on his trip to the city.
--42nd & 8th
We Don't Do That Here
Tourist guy with big camera: Can I take your picture?
Young woman sitting on a bench, reading: Sure.
Tourist guy: Can I get a smile?
Young woman: Um, no.
--City Hall Park
Oooh, My First Rude New Yorker!
Suit: Hey, do you have a light?
Polite Englishman: Sorry, I don't smoke.
Suit: I asked for a light, not your fucking life story.
--Times Square
Overheard by: English, not polite
Tourists: What the Fuck?!
Old lady with heavy accent, pointing to closed store: What's that?
Young lady: I'm not sure.
Old lady: Is that a pahwn shop?
Young lady, startled: No, that looks like a pawn shop...
Old lady: That's what I said -- a pahwn shop.
Young lady, relieved: Ohhh, I thought you said 'porn shop'!
Old lady: No, I said 'pahwn,' not 'pahwn.'
Young lady: Oh, you say them exactly the same!
Old lady: I do?
Young lady: Yeah! Say 'aw.'
Old lady: Ahw.
Young lady: Now say 'or.'
Old lady: Ahw.
Young lady: No, it's orrr. With an R.
Old lady: That's what I said -- 'ahw.'
--M20 bus, near 34th & 8th
Overheard by: trying not to laugh too hard
Who's Jealous of Our Ability to Stop at One
Woman passerby: Come on, you fucking tourists! Get a life! It's only a fucking cupcake!
Girl in line, mockingly: Oh my god, you're making such an important social statement!
Old lady in line: Seriously, it's not our fault she's a fat bitch.
--Magnolia Bakery, Bleecker St
Overheard by: KO
But You'd Better Hurry, because They Take It Down at Five
Tourist: Excuse me, ma'am? Can you tell me how to get to the Golden Gate Bridge?
Local, after long pause: Up two blocks, make a left. You can't miss it.
--Union Square
Tough Talk from a Girl Who Paid to See The Lake House
Chick with headset directing sidewalk traffic: Excuse me. Please cross the street here... You can't pass here...
20-ish chick: What are you guys filming?
Chick with headset: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.
20-ish chick: Hahaha! That shit sucks! Hahaha!
--E 8th St & University Pl
Hmmm, It Just Says, "Run Away Screaming"
Woman with headphones: 'Scuuuse me!
Bimbette: What?! I said, 'Excuse me.'
Woman with headphones: Well, I have on headphones and shades, so obviously I didn't see or hear you. Ever thought about tapping me on the shoulder, asshole?
Bimbette, opening book called, How to Become Fearless: Well, whatever. I'm already sitting down.
Woman with headphones: That book must being doing something good for your ego. Hope it has a chapter in there on what to do after you get smacked on the train for being fearless...
--A train
This Performance Art Is Made Possible through the Support of Viewers Like You
Man: Is she serious? Is this broad serious?
Hipster chick who bumped into him: You talkin' to me?
Man: Yeah, lady, I am talkin' to you!
Hipster chick: Hey, buddy, as if your fat ass doesn't bump into people everywhere you go.
Man: Well, actually, if my ass was half as big as yours, I bet it would!
Hipster chick: You only wish you had my ass.
Man: Yeah, you're right. [Pauses, then gets noticeably calmer] Good thing you're from New York or I'd have to kick you in the face.
Hipster chick: I'm not from New York. I'm from Toronto.
Man: Where is that, Antarctica?! Get outta my face!
--2 train, CPW
Overheard by: ginger balls
Cheap Sex! Cupcakes! The Guillotine!
Lady: What are you all waiting for?
26th guy in line for iPhone: The new Harry Potter book.
27th guy in line: Shrek 4.
28th guy in line: Free crack. [Lady walks away.]
--AT&T store, Union Square
If You're Gonna Be Rude, Be Sure It Lands
Lady: Gentlemen, please. Would you lower your voices? [Unruly teen unleashes stream of Spanish curses, then prepares to disembark.] Jack, do I look like I understood a word you said? All of that was wasted energy. Never insult anyone in a language they don't know, because then it doesn't mean shit.
--4 train, 161st St
Save That Kind of Hoochie Business for the L
Ghetto woman: Hey. Hey, girl. Wake up [pokes her].
Girl, waking up: What?
Ghetto woman: Your bra is showing, girl.
Girl: It's supposed to be.
Ghetto woman: Not on the Seven Train, it's not.
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Maybe on the 6?
Wait! You Need to Pay the Directions Tax
Tourist: Excuse me, how do I get to Times Square?
Ghetto dude: This is Times Square.
Tourist, slower and louder: No. Times Square.
Ghetto dude, slower and louder: This is Times Square.
Tourist: No, I'm looking for the actual square. Where's the square?
Ghetto dude: Oh, you want the square... Go down six blocks, turn left, and go down three. You can't miss it.
Tourist: Hey, thanks a lot, man.
Ghetto dude: Dumb fuck.
--42nd & Broadway
This Also Scares Away Demons
Tourist in crowd waiting for crosswalk: [Sneezes.]
Suit: Shut the fuck up!
--47th & 6th
Overheard by: dan.j.w.
It Was More of a Baton Handoff Than a Throw, Really
Desperate wannabe bridezilla: Let me ask you a question -- if you're at a wedding and the bride throws the bouquet directly to you instead of to the whole crowd, does it still count?
Friend: I don't think any of it really counts.
Passerby: Way to kill the mood.
--Elevator, 11th & University
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Hey, I Barely Care about New York
Yuppie lady boasting about son: He graduated summa cum laude from Villanova!
Cashier: Vee-la-no-va? Is that in New York?
Yuppie lady: No, it's in--
Cashier, interrupting: --Yeah, then I don't care.
--Clothing store, 54th & 5th
Ennui and Apathy, Living in Perfect Harmony...
Tourist mom: Excuse me, miss, do you know how to get back to Manhattan?
Hipster girl: I'm sorry, I don't really have the energy to give you fake directions right now.
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Headline by: null
Runners-Up:
· "...Between the emphysema from the clove cigarettes and the anemia from cutting myself." - invisible girl
· "And if I give real ones, I lose my hipster certification" - AmyS
· "But for $5, I'll Pretend to Mock Your Fat Children" - Debra, the Barmaid Blog
· "I'm saving it all for defending my bitchy ass in Brooklyn" - knumb
· "When in doubt, Swim" - 6th Floor Blogger
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Take Your Noble Eightfold Path Back to Jersey
Buddhist: Excuse me, sir, are you a New Yorker?
Obvious New Yorker: Go fuck yourself!
--Union Square
Overheard by: playtoe
Can You Google "Schmuck" Real Quick?
Tourist on cell: I am looking at a big board that says LIRR. This can't be Pennsylvania station.
Commuter: Hey, schmuck -- LIRR is in Penn Station.
Tourist on cell: Oh, I am in the right place. Someone was nice enough to give me directions.
--Penn Station
Reader Poll: Gay Man or Laundry Accident?
Chick #1: So I get him home, right, and he takes it off and he's wearin' lavendah undaweah...
Chick #2, cackling: My gawd!
--Bleecker
Overheard by: sadi heleina
They Really Should Have Rehearsed
Intercom hijacker #1 playing rap music: All aboard, all aboard...
Intercom hijacker #2: I wanna give a shout-out to my nigga, Antoine...
Intercom hijacker #1: And my nigga Ruiz...
Conductor: If you do not get off this intercom, I will have you arrested at the next stop!
Intercom hijacker #1: Whatever, nigga. Y'all on this train can suck a dick.
Intercom hijacker #2: Y'all can die.
Intercom hijacker #1: Yeah. Y'all can die... on a dick.
--6 train
Overheard by: pberg
I Just Got a Pair of Sunglasses for Free!
Chick on cell: I just got a pair of sunglasses for two dollars!
Old punk rocker passerby: I'll give you two dollars to go kill yourself.
--St. Mark's Pl & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Lisa
This Guy Is the First Stop on the Tour
Tour bus driver to pedestrian: Take the great New York tour!
Man: Why the fuck would I pay to see the rats and piss I can see for free? Fuck you!
--Outside Plaza Hotel, Central Park South
I Hate It 'cause It's Dirty, but I Love It 'cause It's Home
Chick: This block is kinda difficult to walk.
Dude: I know. Watch out for the syringes, condoms, and shit.
--Lawton St & Bushwick Ave
Overheard by: Dodging the excrements of various objects
Guess It'll Be Good to Get Back to Bakersfield, Then
Local girl: So, how do you like New York?!
Tourist friend, disgusted: Everyone here is ugly and foreign.
--Herald's Square
Only Crazy Subway Preachers Know Both
Tourist: Does this train stop at Cortland Street?
Nun: Yes, it does.
Guy: No, it doesn't. The station is closed.
Nun: I've been riding this train over 20 years. It stops at Cortland Street.
Guy, as train passes Cortland Street station: Lady, you may know Jesus, but I know the subways.
--1 train
And Momma Bear Said, "This Advice Is Too Friendly"
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, due to an earlier incident, all Sixth Avenue line trains are running over the Eighth Avenue line. Please be patient.
Confused tourist lady: What does that even mean? I don't understand.
Suit: It means that if you want to take any of the trains on the orange line you transfer at the next station like normal, but instead of going downstairs you just wait on that platform for the train you want.
Middle-aged woman across aisle: They're not orange line trains. It's the B, the D, the F and the V. Real New Yorkers don't call it the orange line.
Suit: Hey, lady, fuck you. There, is that New York enough for ya?
--E train approaching W 4th St
Pretty Much the Definition of Reality
Dude fighting his way through crowd of tourists: Ugh, it's like being in a video game. It's like being in Asteroids!
Chick: Yeah, only you can't shoot anybody, so it's not as much fun.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Marizzle
Great, Now I Have to Pee
Hipster: I really have to pee.
Random passerby: Pssssss!
--Whitehall Station
The Chihuahua in the Purse Got the Worst of It
Woman furiously swinging her purse at tourist seated next to her: What?! You were sitting on my hand the entire way! You deserve this!
Tourist: Uh, thank you.
--6 train
Overheard by: naners
Fur Trappers of the Marine Air Terminal
Service person #1: Ha! They all think we're gonna shoot them.
Service person #2: No, we won't shoot you, but I will shoot that woman in the fur coat over there.
--Marine Air terminal, LaGuardia
Overheard by: Pick-Qwick
Why Americans Have Problems with Sustained Conflicts
Guy #1, after car beeps: God, man, can you imagine in Iraq and you hear a car beep? The world just freezes and you think, 'Holy shit. I'm really gonna miss my mom,' and then it's over...
Guy #2: Yeah, man -- fucked up.
Guy #1: Whoa! Those shoes are really cute!
--Bleecker
Overheard by: Mark
... And Patronize Our Vendors
A tourist mom with three teens in tow halts in the middle of the block, causing two suits and several other people to crash into them.
Suit #1: For the love of God, move, you idiots! There are people walking behind you!
Tourist mom: You don't have to be so rude!
Suit #2: He's rude? You clearly see this is a busy sidewalk, and yet you stop dead in the middle and block all traffic!
Tourist mom: He didn't have to say it so rude -- we are not from around here!
Suit #1: And does that somehow excuse your being idiots and stopping in the middle of a busy street?
Tourist mom: At least we are not so rude in Tennessee!
Suit #2: That explains the idiocy, but it still isn't an excuse.
Tourist mom: That was unnecessary!
Suit #1: Perhaps, but it's true.
Suit #2: Here, maybe this is more polite: Welcome to New York. Slow walking idiots prone to stopping for no reason stay to the fucking right of busy sidewalks, and don't get in the way of the non-mentally impaired locals. Now fuck off.
--50th & 6th
Travis Learns He's Not Attractive Enough to Talk to Beautiful Strangers
Preppy guy waiting for walk signal: Hi there.
Hot girl: Um, do I know you?
Preppy guy: No, I was just being friendly...
Hot girl: Oh, yeah? Well then why don't you say hi to her, too? [Points to fat chick nearby.]
Preppy guy, to himself: God, I hate New Yorkers...
--Central Park
Overheard by: well I LOVE New Yorkers
Where It's Part of the Public School Curriculum
20-something chick #1: ... So was she, like, dating that married guy?
20-something chick #2: No! Man, you can't date a married guy, he's married! You can only fuck a married guy.
Lady with kids: Do you mind?!
20-something chick #2: If you don't want your kids to hear about fucking married men, then don't raise them in New York!
--34th & Madison
Overheard by: I hate kids too...
But Since She Is, I'll Ask Her to Do It
20-something girl with mom, hands full: Could you hit One for me?
Man, pushing button: You're welcome.
20-something girl: Oh! Thank you.
Man: Learn some manners.
20-something girl: Man, I'd tell you to fuck yourself if my mom wasn't with me.
--20th St & 1st Ave
The Ultimate Anarchist Heads to Work
AM New York hawker: Have a fantastic morning!
Embittered commuter: Stay away from me!
--7th Ave, E/B/D station
Overheard by: Jatmos
Come and Meet Those Dancing Feet
Young woman running up platform, slamming into tourist lady: Damn fucking tourists! Get the fuck out of my way!
Tourist lady: Excuse me, what?
Young woman: Don't be 'what'-ing me. I just gave you a New-fucking-York experience. You should be thanking me.
--Subway station, 42nd St
Overheard by: Susane
Good, I Need At Least Three States between Me and That Guy
Tourist lady: Excuse me, where is West 54th Street?
Guy: You're on it.
Tourist lady: Do you know where Jay Leno is?
Guy: Los Angeles.
--W 54th & 6th
Overheard by: shankalicious
The Right to Walk to Work
Conductor: Uh, ma'am, you can't stand in the doorway.
Woman: Why not?
Conductor: Because then the train won't move.
Woman: And who's it to you to tell me what I can and can't do on this train? I'm a New Yorker, I have rights!
Conductor: I'm the conductor.
Woman: Well, then I don't want to be on your train!
--A train
Overheard by: Calmandodd
Merry Fuckmas, Everybody!
Tourist lady: Man, there must be something going on in New York today!
Flustered man: It's called Christmas, bitch.
--Disney Store, 5th Ave & 55th
I Thought It Would Be Harder to Teach Y'all Manners
Southern tourist: Is this Roosevelt Island?
NY woman: No, this is Roosevelt Avenue, in Queens.
Southern tourist: What? So it is Roosevelt Island?
NY woman: No, I said it is not Roosevelt Island. This is the Roosevelt Avenue stop. You are in Queens.
Southern tourist: I don't understand, am I on Roosevelt Island?
Suit: Ma'am, you are in Queens right now, specifically, Roosevelt Avenue. Roosevelt Avenue is not the same as Roosevelt Island. If you want to be at Roosevelt Island, you have to take the train going in the other direction about three stops. Either way, get off the damn train and quit delaying the rest of us.
Southern tourist: Why won't anybody answer my question?
NY woman: You know what? This is Roosevelt Island, we're all wrong. Get off.
Southern tourist: Was that so hard?
--Roosevelt Avenue stop, F train
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
Because You're Home
Lady standing in line for bus: Excuse me? Can we board the bus now? It's so dirty here...
Three New Yorkers at once: Fuck you, lady!
Guy passerby: I love New York.
--Port Authority
Wednesday One-Liners are Legends in Their Own Minds
Girl: My life is kind of boring for how cool I am.
--Greenwich & Perry, West Village
Overheard by: B-rooke
Hobo: It's kind of rough being the most handsome toothless guy in the world.
--Washington Square Park fountain
30-ish hipster wannabe: How can you not see how amazing I am?
--53rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Someone still looking for something amazing.
Asian girl on cell: I'm not elitist, I'm just better than everyone else.
--59th & 5th
Angry rastafarian: What are you looking at? I am the best crazy Jesus-believer ever!
--5 train
Overheard by: believed him
I'm Proud to Be a Wednesday One-Liner
Homeless guy: I got a sore on my left foot! Look at it! That's what comes from being in America!
--Beth Israel Emergency Room, 18th & 1st
Doorman: So I looked her straight in the face and I said, 'Listen, you're in America now.'
--Mandarin Oriental Hotel, Columbus Circle
Yasser Arafat look-alike: If she's naked, don't go in there; I know how these goddamn American girls are.
--Bedford St & W 4th
Overheard by: Birthday Boy
Woman in exaggerated Latin accent: Run, run, American people! Run before you miss the train!
--Uptown 6 train, Wall St station
Overheard by: gay among hardhats
Guy: It's an old American name, like in the Bible.
--A train arriving at 59th St
Overheard by: IanM
Park Avenue woman, upset because cashier didn't have quarters: I have every right to be nasty! I'm an American! I'm a fucking New Yorker!
--23rd & Park
Spanish hipster tourist: Americans are the worst!
--Apple store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Irresistable Force Versus Immovable Object, Manhattan Style
Guy: Excuse me, miss. Excuse me. Excuse me! Woman, move!
Girl: Dude, I'm not a tourist.
Guy: Oh. Sorry.
--59th St & Lex
But With Some Curtains, a Fresh Coat of Paint...
Tourist: Wow, it's like a whole underground city thing here!
Local: I dont know any freaks who would want to live in a city like this.
--Times Square subway station
Overheard by: LSB
He and the Mattress Giant are Getting Married in Central Park
Male worker: He isn't here today.
Woman worker: But I need him!
Man worker: But Mr. Clean ain't here today!
Woman worker whining: When?
Man worker: Not today!
--Electra Building
A Muffin AND The Sweetest Compliment Ever. Will You Marry Me?
American girl: Get yourself a fucking muffin and let's go.
British boy: I don't have any cash.
Girl: Use my credit card, I'm leaving now.
Boy: I can't use your card. I don't have your id.
Girl: They don't check, they never check. You look like a woman, you look like a fucking transexual.
Boy: Really?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: johnjoseph bibby
Of Course, Mom! And They're Excellent Places to Have Sex
Local: Where you do want to go today, Mom?
Tourist mom: I don't know. A museum?
Local: We always go to a museum when you visit. Let's try a new one this time. We haven't been to the Guggenheim. The Museum of Sex is interesting.
Tourist mom: Museum of what? Museum of Sex? They have that here?! Please tell me you don't go there. Do you go to church these days? Hmmm? Do they have churches in this city?!
--Union Square Park
Wednesday One-Liners Learn About the Natives Using Participant Observation
Tour guide: If you're going to be in New York for at least a year, I'd recommend going to an outer borough.
--Bowling Green
Woman, looking at dirty man talking on cell with shirt open: That, that right there, oh, yes, that is sooo New York.
--Worth & Broadway
Overheard by: Half Shirt
Office worker: We've lived in New York too long. Instead of saying "ridiculously overpriced" we say "upscale."
--Office, Carnegie Hall
Overheard by: inge
Crazy man: The subways have names and letters and numbers. They are not colors. Don't you dare call them by colors. They have names and letters and numbers. The 4 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Express. The 6 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Local. An idiot in Brooklyn asks for the orange train at King's Highway. It is not the orange train. It is the F train. He should be deported to Mars for calling it the orange train! The trains have names and letters and numbers! And you never call 6th Avenue the Avenue of the Americas!
--Uptown R train
Lady, amongst a crowd of women, shoving and stripping to their underwear to try on designer clothes: Oh my God! I am so not New York enough for this!
--Barney's Warehouse Sale, 17th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: Dr. Mary
Girl: Being a New Yorker is great. You get to give the finger to everybody and nobody seems to care. I love this city!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Jen
Tourist: These people must love their sandwiches! There are so many Subways here!
--Times Square
When You Don't Care Anymore, Grasshopper, You Are a New Yorker
Budding New Yorker, watching two beefcakes rollerblade by in tiny black shorts and t-shirts: ...See, like that. I don't know if that's straight or gay.
--Hudson River Park, 15th St
Overheard by: Sunday Morning Jogger
Doris Brings Manhattan to a Standstill
Lost tourist on cell, blocking the crosswalk with her luggage: I'm standing on the corner of 42nd and 3rd.
Passing native: Yeah, and in everyone's mothafucking way.
--42nd & 3rd
Overheard by: She was in my way too
If Wednesday One-Liners Can Make It Here, They Can Make It Anywhere
Chick: Nothing says New York like a wire frog.
--Battery Park
Lady who has loudly complained to the waiter about the poor service: It's people like that who give New York City a bad name.
--Lindy's, 7th Ave
Overheard by: joemikehap
Amateur anthropologist: Of course I have a snarky attitude! I'm a New Yorker; it's practically a requirement!
--F train
Overheard by: Braincurve
Tourist on cell: Yeah! I'm in New York! Yeah, it's kinda like New Orleans, except bigger and you can't drink in the streets.
--Grand Central
Man on bicycle: New York is about freedom! Suck a dick!
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Laura
Guy watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer: See, that's why I never leave New York. You never see crazy motherfuckers like that in New York...except for niggas on the train.
--Regal Cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Clitoris Rex
Little girl: There's a lot of people in this New York City!
--Times Square
Stand Clear of the Wednesday One-Liners, Please
Conductor: We know it's Monday, and we're sorry, but we still want to wish you a good week.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Hates Mondays
Conductor: This is the 5:50 super duper express train to Great Neck.
--LIRR
Overheard by: vm
Conductor: This is an uptown D train, making stops to wherever I want.
--Uptown D train
Overheard by: tired commuter
Conductor: 207th Street. Last stop. Everyone wake up and get the fuck off my train; I want to go home. Thanks for riding MTA.
--Uptown A train, 207th St
Overheard by: How far north can you go?
Conductor: Stand clear of the...uh...opening doors.
--Q train, 57th St
Overheard by: K. Chas
Conductor: Everybody out. This is the last stop on the Manhattan bound L train. You must use the Brooklyn bound L train and connect to the G to the A or C trains for service to Manhattan. [The train empties] Hahaha. Just kidding! Everybody back on. This train is going to Manhattan.
--Manhattan bound L train
Overheard by: Taylor G.
Conductor: Good morning, Manhattan, it's Friday. We can do this! This is a Brooklyn bound 1 train. It's 7:54. You've got plenty of time!
--1 train
At the Israel-Hezbollah Peace Talks
Woman: Man, don't you fucking fall on me!
Queer: I didn't fall on you. [under his breath] Idiot.
Woman: You the fuckin' idiot, fuckin' idiot.
Big guy: You see that? You see how quickly that escalated? All because of courtesy. That guy couldn't even apologize.
Queer: I didn't fall on her; she's just being retarded.
Woman: You a fuckin' retard!
Big guy: I love this city.
--Downtown 1 train
You Can Always Count on New Yorkers to Immediately Break a Situation Down to the Essentials
Tall tourist: Hey, they just said Union Square; is that our stop?
Big-Haired tourist: Our stop is 5th Street.
Conductor: The next stop will be 8th Street.
Doe-Eyed tourist: Is that our stop?
Big-Haired tourist: Our stop is 5th Street.
New Yorker #1: There isn't a stop for 5th Street.
Big-Haired tourist: Then how do we get to Central Park?
New Yorker #2: You should get off and go the other way-- 5th Avenue.
New Yorker #3, as doors open at 8th Street: But wait until Canal. Otherwise you'll have to pay the 2 bucks to get back on the train.
Big-Haired tourist wanders off the train without his tourist counterparts.
Doe-Eyed tourist, as the doors are closing: Wait. Why did he get off?
Tall tourist, to doors: Open up.
New Yorker #2, as the train pulls away: Do you have cell phones?
Tall tourist: No, ma'am.
New Yorker #4: Well, at least his hair looked good.
--Downtown R train
Overheard by: good lord, the tourists are in season
He Was Still Struggling to Follow These Instructions When the Police Arrived
Guy: How do you get to Astor Place?
Old man: You go up 2 blocks, make a left, then go fuck yourself.
--10th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: andy
Market Research Summary: New Assimilation Techniques Resonate With Gay, BDSM Communities
Hudson News guy: Fuck you, get outta my store! I'm gonna fuck you so hard. I'll fuck you from brown to black!
Traveling guy: Man, I've missed New York.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Girl reading Us Weekly
Notice: This City No Longer Accepts the Good Wishes of Outsiders
Drunk Long Islander: Happy Fourth of July, New York City!
Old lady: It's tomorrow, retard. Go back to Jersey.
--87th & 5th
Overheard by: Hunter North
Yet Always Having to Suffer Idiots From Jersey Hitting On You at Bars
Woman, watching the Yankees lose on TV: Are the Mets playing? Let's watch the Mets. At least that way we won't have to be ashamed to be New Yorkers.
Man sitting next to her: You should never be ashamed to be a New Yorker. Being a New Yorker means never being ashamed and never having to say you're sorry.
--Bar, 81st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Zed
Mud Brick Hovels, Yurts, and Step Pyramid Temples, Mostly
Saleslady: Where are you from?
Tourist: Kansas City.
Saleslady: There's a city in Kansas? Like with buildings?
Tourist: Yes.
Saleslady: Tall ones?
--Macy's
Overheard by: Evie
Are You Coming On To Me?
Drunk B&T chick: Look, it's Penn Station. We could go home right now!
Cranky stranger: That sounds like a good idea to me.
--downtown A train
Overheard by: Thinking the Same Thing
The Al-Qaeda Satellite Adds 100 Meters
Tourist: Um, do you live here?
Teen girl: Uh, yeah.
Tourist: Oh, is that the Empire State Building?
Teen girl: You mean the big, pointy building?
Tourist: [nods]
Teen girl: What the fuck do you think? [walks away] Fucking tourist.
Tourist: Thank you! [to friend] So, wait, is it the Empire State Building?
--near Union Square
Nothing's Too Good for the Art-buying Public
Gallery owner: So I don't think the wine looks enough like blood. Maybe we should use real blood.
Assistant #1: Um, yeah, maybe we could use pig's blood from the butcher?
Owner: No, I think we could buy it from the blood bank.
Assistant #2: That's disgusting.
--Mike Weiss Gallery, 24th St
Wednesday One-liners in the Family Way
Woman: She thinks she's so special cause she's pregnant. Try being 35 and not pregnant! That's harder to do!
--81st & Amsterdam
Very pregnant woman, standing on the subway, stares at a young black guy who took the last seat.
Young black guy: What do you want lady? I didn't get you that way!
--Union Square station
Time for New Friends
Girl #1: How much does he want?
Girl #2: Ten dollars.
Girl #1 to gypsy cab: Fuck you! I'd rather drag my friend home on her face than pay you ten dollars!
--Union Square East
Overheard by: Jim
Inner Peace Isn't All It's Cracked Up to Be
Woman #1: Ma'am, could you please move your bag so I could sit down?
Woman #2: No, can't you see I'm busy, bitch? And I'm not movin this fuckin' thing. It's heavy and I don't want to pick it up again! Sit somewhere else.
She goes back to reading Jesus and Mary: The Key to Divine Love and Inner Peace.
--149th St station downtown platform
Amazing Insight. Wanna Screw?
White guy: There are many Africans where I live. I like them, because they're more spiritual.
Chinese girl: They're closer to nature.
--Verb Cafe, Bedford & N 7th, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Outmacked
Didn't You Get the Gift Basket?
Man: Hey! It's so great to run into you! I haven't heard from you in so long!
Woman: Yeah, that's because you didn't call me after we slept together.
--50th between 5th & 6th
Have an Inconvenient Day
Tourist: Is this the way to the subway?
Guard: No. You need to go west of 49th.
Tourist: Can I go down there anyway?
Guard: No. There's a special event.
Tourist: Please? We're from California.
Guard: No. Welcome to New York.
--Rockefeller Center
If Paris Hilton Comes Into Red Lobster, We'll Discuss It
Woman: Where are you from?
Tourist: We're from Texas! Why, could you hear our accents over there?
Woman: No, it's because in New York we know that you can't bring dogs into restaurants.
Tourist: You can't?
Woman: No, you can't. We work for the Department of Public Health. Consider this a warning.
Tourist: Oh. I thought it was ok because y'all are ok with Paris Hilton and all.
--Red Lobster, Times Square
Overheard by: Lynne & Craig
How to Get a Tourist Back on the Train
Woman on a payphone, with a hand over the receiver, yelling out to a man walking by: What city is this? What city am I in?
Man: Brooklyn!
--33rd & 9th, Manhattan
A New York Welcome -- Blink, and You'll Miss It
Black girl: Hey white girl, where is the party?
White girl: What? We don't know.
Hispanic girl #1: Y'all know where all the parties are.
White girl: We are from Cali.
Black and Hispanic girls: Ohhhhh.
Long pause.
Black girl #1: Welcome.
Black girl #2: What the fuck are you, the welcome wagon?
--Times Square
See, He's Giving You the Talon
Little Boy, running towards pigeon on sidewalk: RAWWWWWR!
Mother: Sweetie, they're not afraid here. This is New York.
--39th & 3rd
Overheard by: erin
Forget Signaling -- Put on Your Hazards
Tourist girl [standing in middle of busy sidewalk]: Oh, excuse me! [spins around] Oh! [turns around] Omigod! Like, I just ran into like four people and I'm not even walking!
City guy: Try walking.
Tourist girl: What?
City guy [reluctantly drawn in]: Look, in New York most people aboveground get where they're going by walking. The sidewalks are the main roads in the city.
Tourist girl: [blank stare]
City guy [getting frustrated]: If you were driving on a busy road, you wouldn't just stop or take random turns in traffic without checking your mirrors or signaling, right?
Tourist girl: How do I signal?
--43rd & Broadway
Wednesday One-liners Have No Manners
Mean old New York lady: The hostesses in this place are so rude!
--67th & CPW
Overheard by: a hostess standing next to her
College kid on cell: He used my razor to shave his balls....I didn't know what to do, I just stood there.
--85th & 2nd
Overheard by: Omar
Why New Yorkers Are Always Going Underground
Little girl: What's that, mommy?
She points to double-decker site-seeing tourist bus.
Mom: That's what the tourists use to look at us.
--46 & 8th
Wednesday One-liners Think They're All That
Guy on cell: She goes to school in Pittsburgh. She's second rate. We go to school in New York. We know who we are.
--Astor Place
Guy on cell: No, no. We only look down on people we're helping.
--Broadway & Fulton
Wet dude: I should not have to walk in the rain! I am a very important person!
--71st Rd & Queens Blvd, Forest Hills
So That Would Make You, Like, Bitch Cassidy
Chick: There are two types of men in this world. The type that would sleep with Paul Newman and the type that would sleep with Robert Redford, and they can't be both. What are you?
Gay guy: Paul Newman
Chick: And you?
Asexual guy: Um...Paul Newman.
Silence.
Chick: Aren't you going to ask me?
Gay guy: No, I don't care.
Asexual guy: Me neither.
--F train, 2nd Ave
i.e., The Parental Prerequisite
Girl: ... so dogs were getting electrocuted and they kept telling people to put boots on their dogs--
Guy: What is with these New Yorkers and their dogs? If you want a creature that badly, have a child!
Girl: You are an idiot.
--110th & Amsterdam
Wednesday One-liners Lost Their MetroCard
Hipster guy: Dude, he always blames it on the train dispatcher. He needs to own his problems, you know?
--F train
Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo
Isn't That Nice?
Tourist lady: Everyone has been so nice in New York; not what I expected.
Woman: We are nice, just self-absorbed.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Renaissance Chick
Chick #1: Omigod, like, if I like your earrings, why should I tell someone else I like your earrings? I should just tell you.
Chick #2: Omigod, I'm just like that too. But really it's because I love getting compliments.
Chick #1: Omigod! Me, too! It's the only reason why I say nice things to other people.
--33rd & 6th
Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon
Girl: Fuck nice! I am a born and bred New Yorker, I don't care for nice. I dont' want to be nice, I want to be right! Fuck nice!
--O'Neil's Irish Bar ladies' room, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Banana
Wednesday One-liners Subway Scenes
MTA guy: Let 'em off, let 'em off. It's just like sex, you gotta get it out to get it in.
--1 train
Overheard by: Andrew Litwin
The Oldest Wednesday One-liners Profession
Crazy guy: Do you see what I put up with? That's it, it's over. We have not had sex in ten years. She says she don't need it...Then I have to sleep with nigger whores. That's right, Joan, I said it. I sleep with nigger whores, even some white whores. That's the only way I can get off now.
--Da Andrea, Hudson Street
Wednesday One-liners Are Upright Citizens
Suit on cell: Hey, yeah...Yeah, I just got back from 100 Centre Street. Yeah, Georgie Boy was drooling over counselor's dick...You know, Georgie Boy: Boy George...That's right, on his knees drooling over counselor's dick. Moron lives on Mulberry, right around the corner from 100 Centre Street. They found like six bags of blow, says lots of people stay there, not his, whatever. But he's shitting in his diaper...What?...Yeah, just six bags, whatever. But he's drooling over counselor's dick. I told him, "Don't worry Georgie Boy"--we only call him "Georgie Boy"--I told him, "Don't worry, you have a Jewish lawyer." Do you really want to blow me?...Huh? What?...No!
--Russian & Turkish Baths, East 10th Street
Overheard by: Trey Desolay
Wednesday One-liners for Fashion Week
Crazy guy: It's the anniversary of the blue angora sweater!
--Pratt Library, Clinton Hill
Overheard by: Tara Topaz
You're a Real New Yorker When You Don't
Girl #1: I haven't seen our homeless guy lately.
Girl #2: We have a homeless guy?
Girl #1: Yeah, the guy who lives on that mattress under our building.
Girl #2: Oh yeah...I hope he's okay, I haven't seen him all week.
Girl #1: You know you're a New Yorker when you worry about where your homeless guy is.
--27th between 5th & Madison
Overheard by: Lauren Lerner
Translation: You Need to Be Panted
Guy: Hi, I need to go to Nutley, New Jersey. I know that the 192 bus goes, but--
Ticket woman: Don't make yourself too comfortable, just ask.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: rafael
We Also Carry Real New York Beatings
Woman #1: You ever just have one of those days?
Woman #2: Yeah.
Woman #1: I'm having a whole week. I swear to god. And I just walked here from...Oh, forget it.
Woman #2: Oh.
Woman #1: And now I can't even find my makeup! I swear to god, if they don't have it, I'm gonna fucking...I don't know!...I'll fucking kill a tourist!
Woman #2: Oh, I hope it's not me!...Ha, ha, ha!
5 minutes later.
Woman #2: That's her! That's her! That's the New Yorker who cursed at me and threatened me!
Woman #3: It's like seeing one in their natural habitat! I can't wait to tell everyone a real New Yorker threatened you!
Woman #2: I know! It's awesome!
--Sephora, Broadway between 43rd & 44th
Overheard by: Non-Bitchy New Yorker
We Agree with That Sentiment
Guy: Do you know that you have a cup of coffee on your roof?
Driver guy: Merry Christmas from Starbucks!
--Park Place & Church
Overheard by: Dirt "Chainsaw" Dog
Lady #1: Can you move?
Lady #2: I ain't movin' my cart! You shoulda waited for the next fucking train!
Lady #1: What? Do you care more about people or your cart?
Lady #2: Ma cart, bitch!
Lady #1: ...No, you are the bitch!
Lady #2: That's right, you da bitch!
Lady #1: This is my first train ride, this is fun!...And I learned a new word!
Man: Happy holidays, everyone!
--1 train
Woman #1: So she says, "I don't want to celebrate Christmas."
Woman #2: What, she worships the Devil now?
Woman #1: Yeah, I think so.
-Surprise Surprise, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Kat
They're Really into Big Scenes There
Conductor: If you see someone trying to steal from you, make a lot of noise, create a big scene, and I'm sure someone will come to your aid.
Man: Clearly this guy is not from New York. Maybe he's from Utah or something.
--A train
Here in New York We "Learn" Things
Dude: You're not from New York, are you?
Chick: No, I'm not.
Dude: Thought not. You're too nice.
Chick: That's the second time I've heard that today.
--82nd & Columbus
Overheard by: Kevin Eliasen
Seems Bats Lose Their Sonar When They Get Old
Old woman: Excuse me officer, could you please tell me where the New Jersey Transit trains are?
Cop lady: Up the stairs and make a left, can't miss 'em.
Old woman: Which stairs?
Cop lady: Turn around.
Old woman: Are you sure?
Cop lady: Yeah, head up those stairs and make a left, there will be another officer up there behind the podium.
Old woman: So I only go up the one flight?
Cop lady: There is only one flight...Go up the stairs...when you get to the top...make a left.
Old woman: So I'm making a right, then going up the stairs...
Man: Jesus Christ, the fucking cop just told you like forty times! Are you fucking retarded? Go up the stairs, make a right!
Old woman: Well, wasn't he rude!
Cop lady: Ma'am, would you like me to walk you up there?
Old woman: Oh no, I'll be fine, thank you.
Cop lady: Have a nice day, ma'am.
The old woman then proceeded to walk in the completely opposite direction. Cop lady held it in for about 5 seconds before laughing.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: mshorty
Theo Epstein Joins the Yellow Sox
Guy #1: That guy from the Red Sox is over there.
Girl: Which one?
Guy #1: The one who just quit.
Girl: No way! Let's fuck with him.
Guy #2: Watch out, he's from Boston and he looks pissed.
Guy #1: No, we should piss on his shoes!
--Times Square
Overheard by: coma toast
Hey, It's Kind of What They Came Here For
Southern woman: Excuse me, sir? We aren't from around here but could you tell me where Times Square is?
NY Man: Yeah, it's a bit uptown from here, you're lookin' for 125th street. It'll say Harlem but don't let it throw you off.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Carl Krickmire
Tourist guy: Excuse me, where is the subway?
NY guy: Sorry, I don't speak English.
--Rockefeller Center
Don't Be Mad at Him; Be Mad at Newton
A man is stumbling down the street. He trips, falls hard and hits his head on the ground.
Guy: Sir, excuse me, are you okay? You just fell really hard.
Man: ...Fuck you.
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: The L0rdz
Wednesday One-liners Can Be So Rude
Guy: Where the fuck is this bitch?...Oh, sorry 'bout the language ladies. I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about my girlfriend.
--54th & 5th
Overheard by: E. Hart
This is What Waldo Has Done to a Generation
Drunk girl: Can you tell me where 3rd and 12th is?
Guy: You're standing on it.
Drunk girl: Do you know where Bar None is?
Guy: Right under that huge Bar None sign.
--3rd Avenue between 12th & 13th
Overheard by: kristcollekt
Because Mr. Cruise is Clearly Well Balanced
L. Ron Hubtard: Do you have stress?
Man: I live in New York, what the fuck do you think? "Do I have stress?" Fuck you.
--Times Square station
Overheard by: ichi gami
F--king with the Imports (NYC Short Stories)
Tourist lady: Does this A train go to Jamaica?
NY chick: The A train doesn't go to Jamaica.
Tourist lady: Is this the A train?
NY chick: Yes.
Tourist lady: And it goes to Jamaica?
NY chick: The A train does not go to Jamaica.
Tourist lady: But I need the A train.
NY chick: This is it.
Tourist lady: I need the A train to Jamaica.
NY chick: The A train does not...Oh forget it. This is your train, lady, get on!
--Times Square station
Overheard by: Cat
Tourist guy: Do you live here?...Excuse me, do you live here?
Black woman: Yeah, what do you want?
Tourist guy: Is this the 6 train?
Black woman: Yeah, sure.
Tourist guy: So it will take me to Grand Central?
Black woman: Yeah, no doubt...But it's weekend, so you never know where the train is going to take you.
--Q train
Overheard by: Josh
I'm Glad I'm Not Alone on This
White guy: God! This is taking forever!
Black guy: Hey man, you don't like it then go back to Omaha or Ohio or whatever square state you're from.
White guy: But I'm from Brooklyn.
Black guy: Then act like it!
--Whitehall SI Ferry terminal
No One Likes a Fecal Flinger
Hobo: Anyone spare a dollar? Any change?
Girl: No, sorry.
Hobo: Why do you hate me?
--Broadway & Waverly
Bloomberg's New Commercials Are Too Revealing
Bike Messenger guy: You see that? I almost died.
Bystander guy: Yeah, man. Those cabs. They fucked up, man. They think they own this city.
Bike Messenger guy: They're wrong, though. It belongs to me.
--6th Avenue & W. 4th Street
Wednesday One-liners Spell It Out
Queens girl: So, like, CBGBs is totally famous. Everyone has played there, from Aerosmith to shit you haven't even heard of!
--Bowery & Bleecker
I'm Guess What's Left of the Liberal Party
Lady: Hey, your dog just went to the bathroom; aren't you going to pick that up?
Guy: Who the hell elected you the shit police?
--Battery Park
She Just Got So Aquaserved
College girl: Excuse me, sir. Which way is the river?
Man: There's two.
He walks away.
--Columbus Circle
They Didn't Have to Shape It into the Freedom Tower
Man #1: Someone took a shit in the sink.
Man #2: It happens. This is New York.
--Men's Room, Port Authority
Maybe We Should Be More Specific With Our Tags
Lady #1: I don't care what anyone thinks!
Lady #2: Yeah!
Lady #1: I like watermelon!
Lady #2: I hear ya! We can eat whatever we want!
--Central Park
Overheard by: ashley
As We All Know, Liberty Now Resides in Iraq
Tourist girl: Is that the fake Statue of Liberty?
NYC girl: Yeah, the real one is in Jersey.
--Battery Park
Overheard by: weenie
Alert the Media! Mapplethorpe is Alive!
Girl: ...anyway, he was making money hand over foot--
Guy: Isn't it "hand over fist"?
Girl: It'll be "fist up your ass" if you don't stop interrupting me.
--Starbucks, Spring & Crosby
Overheard by: CS
She's Hardly Coming Up with A-list Material
Dude: Do you think if I had a tail I'd be happy?
Girl: I'm just going to sit here quietly and ponder the ridiculousness of that statement.
Random guy: ...Didn't you steal that line from Arrested Development?
Girl: Yeah, so?
Random guy: Well, if you're going to make fun of him for being an idiot, he should at least get to make fun of you for being a plagiarist.
--C train
Overheard by: Gradie Smith
There's Wednesday One-liners All Over Town
FishBowlNY chick: Not only do you blog about everything, you blog in five different blogs about everything.
--Slainte, The Bowery
Hipster guy: Everyone keeps asking me why I'm sad, and I'm like, "I'm not sad, I'm from New York."
--St. Mark's between 1st & A
Overheard by: Danny G.
Woman: I have some friends, and they lived in Brooklyn all they lives, and they ain't ever been to Kings Plaza Shopping Mall. They so limited!
--5 train
Tourist woman: Excuse me, can you tell me where the big apple is?
--43rd & Broadway
Overheard by: katie cunningham
Woman: What I love most about New York is that wherever you go, in every neighborhood, there's garbage on the curb. To me, that's democracy.
--University & 11th
Lady: You never see girls wearing shorts in New York City unless they're tourists.
--57th & Broadway
Guy on cell: Well I'm sorry, Princess, if New York doesn't smell like a bed of roses!
--Church & Worth
Overheard by: Becka Dash
NY Post guy: This boat is bootlegged! It won't turn left!
--Penn Station
NY Post guy: Read all about it! Discovery shuttle is a bootleg...doesn't work...can't turn left. Read all about it!
--Penn Station
Overheard (correctly) by: Toon
"See, I heard they have dropped calls here all the time."
A suit drops his cell phone on the sidewalk and yells: Fuck!
Tourist dad: Oh my, did you hear what that man said in public?
Tourist mom: And this is the exact reason why I don't want you to move to New York!
--71st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ellen
NY v. NJ Explained in One Scene
NJ driver: Hey! Red means Don't Walk!
Girl: It's blinking!
NJ driver: That's the same thing!
Girl: No it's not, dumbass!
--74th & Broadway
Sure Sounds Like "Yes" to Me...
Tourist guy: Excuse me! Are you a New Yorker?
Woman: No!
--34th & 7th
Man: Do you want to go into any of these shops?
Woman: Um...
Man: Oh, that's a yes. Whenever a woman responds with anything other than an emphatic "no", it means yes.
--78th & Madison
Relax, It Was Yo-Yo Instructions
Dad: ...you've got to use your middle finger.
Son: Which one's the middle finger?
Dad: This one.
Son: Why's it called the middle finger?
Dad: Because it's in the middle of your hand, I guess. There's two fingers on either side.
Son: That's retarded.
Dad: It may sound retarded, but that's the way it is.
--Astoria corner store
The Mayoral Contest in One Scene
A crazy man is walking around with headphones and a walkman trying to interview people, using the walkman as a microphone.
Crazy man: Who loves New York? I love New York! How about you...Who loves New York?
He holds the "mic" up to the guy.
Guy: Is this for ABC?
Crazy man: Fuck ABC, Fuck NBC, Fuck CBC. This is me. Who loves New York?
--31st & 6th
Overheard by: P. Mills
Hey, We Have TWO Toys 'R Us, You Dumb Biotech!
Boy: I just heard that kid ask his mom what FAO Schwarz is. Come on, it's FAO Schwarz!
Grandma: Well they may have been from out of town...like Brooklyn.
--58th & 5th
Come to New York! It's Safe, Really!
Black woman: You don't go in there, girl, that's the men's bathroom! If you go in there, they're going to rape you! And don't think that they wouldn't, because they will! They're going to put you down on the floor and rape you and your daughter! You listen to me, girl!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: James Levinsohn
Husband: Yeah, keep walking! You know you can't come back this way. They kill you here! They don't just kill you, they kill everyone here!
--Central Park
The NYC Cast of Characters in: Wednesday One-liners
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, all cars on this train are going to final destination: Parkchester. All cars will be making all stops.
--6 train
Newspaper vendor: Yo! Suits! Go get me that deal...or else! I mean right now, go get it done!
--41st & 6th
Overheard by: M. Hutchinson
Tourist on cell: Of course I know where we are. We're near Broadway Street. No, no, wait. Broadway Avenue.
--57th & Broadway
Overheard by: Karyn Regal
Petitioner: Please help us save the filibuster!
--West 66th & Broadway
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
Subway salesman: ...and thank you for helping me keep a roof over my head. I mean three roofs: I live in the basement.
--Q train
Metro New York guy: Free paper! Get your free paper!...Man, I'm sick of this shit.
--Union Square
Metro New York guy: Shit, man, I'm tired of sayin' this!...Okay, fine. Good mornin'. Good mornin'. Shit.
--Park Place station
Another One Undergoes His NYC Initiation
Tourist: Excuse me, would you mind moving your bag? It's touching my knee.
New Yorker: What the fuck! You're not from around here, are you son?
Tourist: No sir, I'm from Richmond Virginia. Just got in this morning.
New Yorker: Yeah, no shit.
--9 train
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Which is Precisely the Location of the Ass
Yankee fan: The Yankees are kicking ass this year.
Straphanger: They're in last place!
--3 train
Real Life NYC Advertisements
Tourist boy: I thought Grand Central station was huge. Like, a whole city underground and stuff.
Tourist girl: Wait.
--6 train, pulling into Grand Central station
Overheard by: Jonathan
Tourist: Where is Saks Fifth Avenue?
New Yorker: On Fifth Avenue, you moron!
--46th & 6th
How Not to Hook Up in NYC
Chick: I don't get Spanish guys. They compliment you every time you pass them. They always say things like, "You have beautiful legs, in my country it is an honor for a woman to be told she has beautiful legs". Well, you're in NY now, honey, and I'm a bitch!
--5th Ave. & 82nd St.
Player: Excuse me miss, you're even better looking than J. Lo. Can I have your autograph?
--Fulton Street mall
Hobo: Hey, you a pretty lady. You married?...I got food stamps!
--Astoria
Overheard by: mj
The NYC Attitude: Nature or Nurture?
Mom: If you don't get up off that bench, I'm gonna kick your ass.
Boy: Can't kick my ass if I'm sitting on it, can ya?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Jessica
First the Gum Snaps, Then the New Yorkers Do
A guy pops his gum.
An older woman stands up and yells: Do you think I don't hear you? I've asked several times, who is popping their gum, and everyone looks around, and it was you! You can't do that in a public place! It's a violent sound! Now, will you be able to control yourself, or will I have to run away from you?
--Penn Station
Making the Band; A Short NYC Story
Guy: How about The Black Market Babies?
Girl: The Black Market Babies?
Guy: The thing is, there's already a band called The Backyard Babies. If you know anything about The Backyard Babies, you wouldn't want to be associated with them.
Girl: Isn't that who Dana dated?
Guy: No. I got her backstage to meet him. She's in the dressing room; I used my radio credentials to get her in. He was all ready to make a move and then he started vomiting! That's when I met Joey Ramone. I was going to complain to Joey but he died shortly after.
--D train
How to Win Any Debate, NYC Style
Two strangers, a nerdy out-of-town businessman & a native NYC businesswoman, step onto the 6 train mid-argument. Profanities are flying out of the NYer's mouth rapidly and with great force. The nerdy out-of-town businessman throws his harshest punch back: Why don't you go wash your mouth out with soap?!
NYC businesswoman: Oh...why don't you go fuck yourself?
--6 train
Overheard by: amy
Still Saying Goodbye to The Gates
Haughty woman: It's just fabric! Why do you have to pay $16 million for fabric?
--The Gates
Asian guy: So what's the deal with these orange flags? Do they take them all down and put them up again every year? That's dumb.
--The Gates
Overheard by: Nick
Welcome to NY; Now Get the Fuck Out of Here
Tourist: Excuse me, but do you know how I can get to Penn station?
Woman in camo: Do I look like a fucking tour guide?
Tourist: Now that's what I came to New York to find!
--5th & 82nd
"Why Not the Jews? No One's Ever Thought of Killing Them!"
Intellectual: Dude, after September 11th, we had to go kill somebody. Someone had to die.
--Midtown office
Overheard by: Aryeh Jasper
Our Editor Still Loves His Neighborhood
A Russian man was blocking the way out of the store.
American woman: Excuse me.
Russian man: I'm picking my lemons.
American woman: Whadya want us all to do, play leapfrog over you? Move it please.
Russian man: You're stupid.
American woman: Stupid? I got one word for you. Chernobyl! How's that for stupid? Bet you were working there, you fucking asshole. Now move it, you fuckin' retard!
--Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
This Is Why Our Editor Loves His Neighborhood
American woman: Don't push me. I saw you trying to get ahead of me!
Russian woman: What you talking about? I did not.
American woman: You did, too! You're all the same, so goddamn pushy.
Russian woman: What, what you think I am? Look at me! What you think I am? What I look like to you?
American woman: Well, I'd say you look like a fat big mouthed bleach blonde bitch whore!
Russian woman: What? I get my husband on you!
American woman: Go ahead! I'm sure he's home and not working. You're all here for a free handout!
The Russian woman storms out to find her husband.
American woman: What did she want? She asked what do I look like so I told her. I was only being honest!
--Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Deborah Olin
By "Pushy Obnoxious Woman" We Mean "New Yorker"
A pushy, obnoxious woman tries to cram her way onto the subway before the passengers exiting even get a chance to get out the door. She screams: If you would get out of the way and let me on first, then you can get off!
--Penn Station
New Yorkers: Laughing (at Others) in the Face of Adversity
Young woman: Excuse me, is there any more room for you all to move in?
The passengers just laughed at her as the doors closed.
--A train, 86th St. station (The day after the fire)
Pushy & Pushier: A NYC Subway Romance
Woman: Excuse me. Excuse me!
Big guy: Sorry miss, the train's crowded.
Woman: No, I don't care! I do not need you on top of me.
Big Guy: ...maybe you do.
--A train
One Man's Cult is Another Man's, Um, Cult
Scientologist: Ma'am, are you interested in taking a free stress test?
Woman: Hell no. I don't need no freako to tell me I'm stressed. I already know that.
--Union Square station
Most New York Conversation Ever
Dude #1: I want a new printer but they're too expensive.
Dude #2: Yeah, I know what you mean. I want to find a good cheap one.
Homeless busybody: Cheap?! That's why you're a fucking Jew!
Dude #2: Actually I'm not Jewish, but I'm glad you're homeless!
--W. 4th St.
NY: the Melting Pot
Russian Man: Don't push.
Spanish Lady: This is the subway. What do you expect?
Russian Man: Well, you don't have to push.
Spanish Lady: Welcome to New York City!
Russan Woman: Yeah, welcome to New York City.
Spanish Lady: You welcoming me? You're the one with the accent!
--L Train
Don't Forget Their Fatty Salads!
New Yorker (to tourist): ...And this is McDonald's. They make hamburgers.
--LES
...And She Votes
Teen with Bright Future: What's that? Now that I've become pregnant people think that I don't fight. Come here. I'll kick your fucking ass, bitch.
--14th Street
Visit Historic Gotham
New Yorker: There's the Brooklyn Bridge over there. You can walk over it.
Tourist: Really?
New Yorker: Yep.
Tourist: And is this City Hall?
New Yorker: Yes. I don't know this area very well...there's Starbucks!
--City Hall Park
Now Shut the Fuck Up, You Unwanted Accident
Little Girl: Mommy, why do people in New York always wear black?
Mommy: I don't know. Maybe they just don't like looking pretty.
--Upper East Side
