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I Got Yer Rhapsody In Blue Right Here!
Tourista #1, about street sign with large bend in middle: Why does the Gershwin Way sign have a curve in it like that?
Tourista #2: I think it's to symbolize Gershwin's music.
New Yorker passerby: A truck backed into it, ya stupid bitches.
--NW corner, E 50 St & Broadway
Overheard by: Big Larry
Thanks -- You, Too
Guy is riding Vespa in bike lane, and girl opens her car door, nearly taking him out.
Girl: I'm sooo sorry about that.
Vespa guy: No, it's my fault.
Girl: Well, fuck you, then.
--Chelsea
NewsFlash: Dispatcher Beaten to Death by Canes. Memorial at Elmont Cemetery Planned.
Old man, with wife: How much is it to Elmont Cemetery?
Car service dispatcher: Will that be one way, or round-trip?
--E 19th St & Ave U, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Arthur
Scene from the Latest Remake of The Parent Trap
Lady: Excuse me, but I have my daughter here!
Man: So do I!
Lady, backing out of train: Fine, whatever. Merry Christmas to you.
Man: Yeah, fuck you, too.
--68th & Lex station
But I Didn't Even Get to the Part about the Drippy Analingus
Guy who just got empty seat: My day just went from good to great!
Tourist lady: Oh? Why was it good?
Guy: I got to hug my therapist and talk about bogus relationships.
Tourist lady: [Stunned silence.]
Guy: TMI?
Tourist lady: Ummm, yes [giggles nervously and turns away].
--6 train, Grand Central
Overheard by: Christine
NewsFlash: Man Asks Directions. Scientists Baffled.
Tourist: Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to 37th Street?
Hipster: Seriously?
Tourist: Well, I'm visiting...
Hipster: Look, man... You're on 42nd Street now. Walk that way, and if the sign says 43rd Street, you're going the wrong way. Turn around and go the other way. When the numbers go down, you're going the right way.
Tourist: So, the streets are numerical.
Passerby #1: Jesus Christ!
Passerby #2: Oh, you people stop it! He didn't know there would be math on his trip to the city.
--42nd & 8th
We Don't Do That Here
Tourist guy with big camera: Can I take your picture?
Young woman sitting on a bench, reading: Sure.
Tourist guy: Can I get a smile?
Young woman: Um, no.
--City Hall Park
Oooh, My First Rude New Yorker!
Suit: Hey, do you have a light?
Polite Englishman: Sorry, I don't smoke.
Suit: I asked for a light, not your fucking life story.
--Times Square
Overheard by: English, not polite
Tourists: What the Fuck?!
Old lady with heavy accent, pointing to closed store: What's that?
Young lady: I'm not sure.
Old lady: Is that a pahwn shop?
Young lady, startled: No, that looks like a pawn shop...
Old lady: That's what I said -- a pahwn shop.
Young lady, relieved: Ohhh, I thought you said 'porn shop'!
Old lady: No, I said 'pahwn,' not 'pahwn.'
Young lady: Oh, you say them exactly the same!
Old lady: I do?
Young lady: Yeah! Say 'aw.'
Old lady: Ahw.
Young lady: Now say 'or.'
Old lady: Ahw.
Young lady: No, it's orrr. With an R.
Old lady: That's what I said -- 'ahw.'
--M20 bus, near 34th & 8th
Overheard by: trying not to laugh too hard
Who's Jealous of Our Ability to Stop at One
Woman passerby: Come on, you fucking tourists! Get a life! It's only a fucking cupcake!
Girl in line, mockingly: Oh my god, you're making such an important social statement!
Old lady in line: Seriously, it's not our fault she's a fat bitch.
--Magnolia Bakery, Bleecker St
Overheard by: KO
But You'd Better Hurry, because They Take It Down at Five
Tourist: Excuse me, ma'am? Can you tell me how to get to the Golden Gate Bridge?
Local, after long pause: Up two blocks, make a left. You can't miss it.
--Union Square
Tough Talk from a Girl Who Paid to See The Lake House
Chick with headset directing sidewalk traffic: Excuse me. Please cross the street here... You can't pass here...
20-ish chick: What are you guys filming?
Chick with headset: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.
20-ish chick: Hahaha! That shit sucks! Hahaha!
--E 8th St & University Pl
Hmmm, It Just Says, "Run Away Screaming"
Woman with headphones: 'Scuuuse me!
Bimbette: What?! I said, 'Excuse me.'
Woman with headphones: Well, I have on headphones and shades, so obviously I didn't see or hear you. Ever thought about tapping me on the shoulder, asshole?
Bimbette, opening book called, How to Become Fearless: Well, whatever. I'm already sitting down.
Woman with headphones: That book must being doing something good for your ego. Hope it has a chapter in there on what to do after you get smacked on the train for being fearless...
--A train
This Performance Art Is Made Possible through the Support of Viewers Like You
Man: Is she serious? Is this broad serious?
Hipster chick who bumped into him: You talkin' to me?
Man: Yeah, lady, I am talkin' to you!
Hipster chick: Hey, buddy, as if your fat ass doesn't bump into people everywhere you go.
Man: Well, actually, if my ass was half as big as yours, I bet it would!
Hipster chick: You only wish you had my ass.
Man: Yeah, you're right. [Pauses, then gets noticeably calmer] Good thing you're from New York or I'd have to kick you in the face.
Hipster chick: I'm not from New York. I'm from Toronto.
Man: Where is that, Antarctica?! Get outta my face!
--2 train, CPW
Overheard by: ginger balls
Cheap Sex! Cupcakes! The Guillotine!
Lady: What are you all waiting for?
26th guy in line for iPhone: The new Harry Potter book.
27th guy in line: Shrek 4.
28th guy in line: Free crack. [Lady walks away.]
--AT&T store, Union Square
If You're Gonna Be Rude, Be Sure It Lands
Lady: Gentlemen, please. Would you lower your voices? [Unruly teen unleashes stream of Spanish curses, then prepares to disembark.] Jack, do I look like I understood a word you said? All of that was wasted energy. Never insult anyone in a language they don't know, because then it doesn't mean shit.
--4 train, 161st St
Save That Kind of Hoochie Business for the L
Ghetto woman: Hey. Hey, girl. Wake up [pokes her].
Girl, waking up: What?
Ghetto woman: Your bra is showing, girl.
Girl: It's supposed to be.
Ghetto woman: Not on the Seven Train, it's not.
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Maybe on the 6?
Wait! You Need to Pay the Directions Tax
Tourist: Excuse me, how do I get to Times Square?
Ghetto dude: This is Times Square.
Tourist, slower and louder: No. Times Square.
Ghetto dude, slower and louder: This is Times Square.
Tourist: No, I'm looking for the actual square. Where's the square?
Ghetto dude: Oh, you want the square... Go down six blocks, turn left, and go down three. You can't miss it.
Tourist: Hey, thanks a lot, man.
Ghetto dude: Dumb fuck.
--42nd & Broadway
This Also Scares Away Demons
Tourist in crowd waiting for crosswalk: [Sneezes.]
Suit: Shut the fuck up!
--47th & 6th
Overheard by: dan.j.w.
It Was More of a Baton Handoff Than a Throw, Really
Desperate wannabe bridezilla: Let me ask you a question -- if you're at a wedding and the bride throws the bouquet directly to you instead of to the whole crowd, does it still count?
Friend: I don't think any of it really counts.
Passerby: Way to kill the mood.
--Elevator, 11th & University
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Hey, I Barely Care about New York
Yuppie lady boasting about son: He graduated summa cum laude from Villanova!
Cashier: Vee-la-no-va? Is that in New York?
Yuppie lady: No, it's in--
Cashier, interrupting: --Yeah, then I don't care.
--Clothing store, 54th & 5th
Ennui and Apathy, Living in Perfect Harmony...
Tourist mom: Excuse me, miss, do you know how to get back to Manhattan?
Hipster girl: I'm sorry, I don't really have the energy to give you fake directions right now.
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Headline by: null
Runners-Up:
· "...Between the emphysema from the clove cigarettes and the anemia from cutting myself." - invisible girl
· "And if I give real ones, I lose my hipster certification" - AmyS
· "But for $5, I'll Pretend to Mock Your Fat Children" - Debra, the Barmaid Blog
· "I'm saving it all for defending my bitchy ass in Brooklyn" - knumb
· "When in doubt, Swim" - 6th Floor Blogger
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Take Your Noble Eightfold Path Back to Jersey
Buddhist: Excuse me, sir, are you a New Yorker?
Obvious New Yorker: Go fuck yourself!
--Union Square
Overheard by: playtoe
Can You Google "Schmuck" Real Quick?
Tourist on cell: I am looking at a big board that says LIRR. This can't be Pennsylvania station.
Commuter: Hey, schmuck -- LIRR is in Penn Station.
Tourist on cell: Oh, I am in the right place. Someone was nice enough to give me directions.
--Penn Station
Reader Poll: Gay Man or Laundry Accident?
Chick #1: So I get him home, right, and he takes it off and he's wearin' lavendah undaweah...
Chick #2, cackling: My gawd!
--Bleecker
Overheard by: sadi heleina
They Really Should Have Rehearsed
Intercom hijacker #1 playing rap music: All aboard, all aboard...
Intercom hijacker #2: I wanna give a shout-out to my nigga, Antoine...
Intercom hijacker #1: And my nigga Ruiz...
Conductor: If you do not get off this intercom, I will have you arrested at the next stop!
Intercom hijacker #1: Whatever, nigga. Y'all on this train can suck a dick.
Intercom hijacker #2: Y'all can die.
Intercom hijacker #1: Yeah. Y'all can die... on a dick.
--6 train
Overheard by: pberg
I Just Got a Pair of Sunglasses for Free!
Chick on cell: I just got a pair of sunglasses for two dollars!
Old punk rocker passerby: I'll give you two dollars to go kill yourself.
--St. Mark's Pl & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Lisa
This Guy Is the First Stop on the Tour
Tour bus driver to pedestrian: Take the great New York tour!
Man: Why the fuck would I pay to see the rats and piss I can see for free? Fuck you!
--Outside Plaza Hotel, Central Park South
I Hate It 'cause It's Dirty, but I Love It 'cause It's Home
Chick: This block is kinda difficult to walk.
Dude: I know. Watch out for the syringes, condoms, and shit.
--Lawton St & Bushwick Ave
Overheard by: Dodging the excrements of various objects
Guess It'll Be Good to Get Back to Bakersfield, Then
Local girl: So, how do you like New York?!
Tourist friend, disgusted: Everyone here is ugly and foreign.
--Herald's Square
Only Crazy Subway Preachers Know Both
Tourist: Does this train stop at Cortland Street?
Nun: Yes, it does.
Guy: No, it doesn't. The station is closed.
Nun: I've been riding this train over 20 years. It stops at Cortland Street.
Guy, as train passes Cortland Street station: Lady, you may know Jesus, but I know the subways.
--1 train
And Momma Bear Said, "This Advice Is Too Friendly"
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, due to an earlier incident, all Sixth Avenue line trains are running over the Eighth Avenue line. Please be patient.
Confused tourist lady: What does that even mean? I don't understand.
Suit: It means that if you want to take any of the trains on the orange line you transfer at the next station like normal, but instead of going downstairs you just wait on that platform for the train you want.
Middle-aged woman across aisle: They're not orange line trains. It's the B, the D, the F and the V. Real New Yorkers don't call it the orange line.
Suit: Hey, lady, fuck you. There, is that New York enough for ya?
--E train approaching W 4th St
Pretty Much the Definition of Reality
Dude fighting his way through crowd of tourists: Ugh, it's like being in a video game. It's like being in Asteroids!
Chick: Yeah, only you can't shoot anybody, so it's not as much fun.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Marizzle
Great, Now I Have to Pee
Hipster: I really have to pee.
Random passerby: Pssssss!
--Whitehall Station
The Chihuahua in the Purse Got the Worst of It
Woman furiously swinging her purse at tourist seated next to her: What?! You were sitting on my hand the entire way! You deserve this!
Tourist: Uh, thank you.
--6 train
Overheard by: naners
Fur Trappers of the Marine Air Terminal
Service person #1: Ha! They all think we're gonna shoot them.
Service person #2: No, we won't shoot you, but I will shoot that woman in the fur coat over there.
--Marine Air terminal, LaGuardia
Overheard by: Pick-Qwick
Why Americans Have Problems with Sustained Conflicts
Guy #1, after car beeps: God, man, can you imagine in Iraq and you hear a car beep? The world just freezes and you think, 'Holy shit. I'm really gonna miss my mom,' and then it's over...
Guy #2: Yeah, man -- fucked up.
Guy #1: Whoa! Those shoes are really cute!
--Bleecker
Overheard by: Mark
... And Patronize Our Vendors
A tourist mom with three teens in tow halts in the middle of the block, causing two suits and several other people to crash into them.
Suit #1: For the love of God, move, you idiots! There are people walking behind you!
Tourist mom: You don't have to be so rude!
Suit #2: He's rude? You clearly see this is a busy sidewalk, and yet you stop dead in the middle and block all traffic!
Tourist mom: He didn't have to say it so rude -- we are not from around here!
Suit #1: And does that somehow excuse your being idiots and stopping in the middle of a busy street?
Tourist mom: At least we are not so rude in Tennessee!
Suit #2: That explains the idiocy, but it still isn't an excuse.
Tourist mom: That was unnecessary!
Suit #1: Perhaps, but it's true.
Suit #2: Here, maybe this is more polite: Welcome to New York. Slow walking idiots prone to stopping for no reason stay to the fucking right of busy sidewalks, and don't get in the way of the non-mentally impaired locals. Now fuck off.
--50th & 6th
Travis Learns He's Not Attractive Enough to Talk to Beautiful Strangers
Preppy guy waiting for walk signal: Hi there.
Hot girl: Um, do I know you?
Preppy guy: No, I was just being friendly...
Hot girl: Oh, yeah? Well then why don't you say hi to her, too? [Points to fat chick nearby.]
Preppy guy, to himself: God, I hate New Yorkers...
--Central Park
Overheard by: well I LOVE New Yorkers
Where It's Part of the Public School Curriculum
20-something chick #1: ... So was she, like, dating that married guy?
20-something chick #2: No! Man, you can't date a married guy, he's married! You can only fuck a married guy.
Lady with kids: Do you mind?!
20-something chick #2: If you don't want your kids to hear about fucking married men, then don't raise them in New York!
--34th & Madison
Overheard by: I hate kids too...
But Since She Is, I'll Ask Her to Do It
20-something girl with mom, hands full: Could you hit One for me?
Man, pushing button: You're welcome.
20-something girl: Oh! Thank you.
Man: Learn some manners.
20-something girl: Man, I'd tell you to fuck yourself if my mom wasn't with me.
--20th St & 1st Ave
The Ultimate Anarchist Heads to Work
AM New York hawker: Have a fantastic morning!
Embittered commuter: Stay away from me!
--7th Ave, E/B/D station
Overheard by: Jatmos
Come and Meet Those Dancing Feet
Young woman running up platform, slamming into tourist lady: Damn fucking tourists! Get the fuck out of my way!
Tourist lady: Excuse me, what?
Young woman: Don't be 'what'-ing me. I just gave you a New-fucking-York experience. You should be thanking me.
--Subway station, 42nd St
Overheard by: Susane
Good, I Need At Least Three States between Me and That Guy
Tourist lady: Excuse me, where is West 54th Street?
Guy: You're on it.
Tourist lady: Do you know where Jay Leno is?
Guy: Los Angeles.
--W 54th & 6th
Overheard by: shankalicious
The Right to Walk to Work
Conductor: Uh, ma'am, you can't stand in the doorway.
Woman: Why not?
Conductor: Because then the train won't move.
Woman: And who's it to you to tell me what I can and can't do on this train? I'm a New Yorker, I have rights!
Conductor: I'm the conductor.
Woman: Well, then I don't want to be on your train!
--A train
Overheard by: Calmandodd
Merry Fuckmas, Everybody!
Tourist lady: Man, there must be something going on in New York today!
Flustered man: It's called Christmas, bitch.
--Disney Store, 5th Ave & 55th
I Thought It Would Be Harder to Teach Y'all Manners
Southern tourist: Is this Roosevelt Island?
NY woman: No, this is Roosevelt Avenue, in Queens.
Southern tourist: What? So it is Roosevelt Island?
NY woman: No, I said it is not Roosevelt Island. This is the Roosevelt Avenue stop. You are in Queens.
Southern tourist: I don't understand, am I on Roosevelt Island?
Suit: Ma'am, you are in Queens right now, specifically, Roosevelt Avenue. Roosevelt Avenue is not the same as Roosevelt Island. If you want to be at Roosevelt Island, you have to take the train going in the other direction about three stops. Either way, get off the damn train and quit delaying the rest of us.
Southern tourist: Why won't anybody answer my question?
NY woman: You kno