In New Yorkese, That's "I Laugh at Anything Under 20K"

Valley girl: Ewww, what is that?
Boyfriend: That's a cab.
Valley girl: I want it.
Boyfriend: You want it?
Valley girl: I want to buy it!
Boyfriend, to cabbie: How much is it?
Cabbie: Get bent.

--Broadway

There's No Right Time to See "Losing Louie"

Overdressed ticket agent: So, Losing Louie got awful reviews, but if we've learned nothing else, it's to never see a show about a funeral the day after a funeral.
Appropriately dressed ticket agent: Yeah, that must be rough... Like that time I saw Wicked right after my friend melted.

--915 Broadway

More Than Eight Spices? Some of Those Must Be Duplicates

Tourist spawn #1: Oooh! Mommy, look at that! An eyeball cushion! Can we go in?
Tourist spawn #2: Yeah! Mommy, can we go in?
Tourist mother: No! Any time there is a bunch of strange stuff in a store, you know it is expensive.

--292 Lafayette St

How Gwendolyn Got an Onion Bagel with Spit on It

Clerk: Ma'am, you did not order an onion bagel.
Biotech: Yes, I did. You're wrong.
Clerk: Let me read back your order. [Does so.]
Biotech: Look, I said you're wrong. You're wrong and you're ugly!

--875 3rd Ave

To Forget How Bald You Are?

Little kid, jumping up and down: Mommy, Mommy! Are you baaald?
Mother, covering face with hand: I need a drink.

--168th & Broadway

Overheard by: Melissa Coppola

That Skirt Really Brings Out Your Eyes

Girl: Excuse me! Do you have a girlfriend?
Guy passerby: Yes [keeps walking].
Girl: But does she appreciate you? You're beautiful!

--Broadway, near City Hall Park

Overheard by: just walkin

Don't Say That 'til You've Seen Me Shake My Tail

Teen girl to friend: Do I look like an animal?
Friend: You look like a stripper.
Teen girl: That's not an animal, per se.

--Broadway

Overheard by: i think she is a stripper

Twenty Percent Fewer People Are Shot There

Fat woman: Where do you want to eat?
Fat man: I don't know. I'm kind of in the mood for Pizza Hut.
Fat woman: But Wendy's is healthier...

--14th St

If We Don't Hone Our Repartee We'll Never Get on Springer

Teen boy: Your wife's a bitch, you know that?
Man: My wife is your mother!
Teen boy: Well, I'm just saying.

--Broadway

Go Three Blocks That Way and Turn Right at the Plastic Hotels

Obnoxious woman: Excuse me, excuse me! Do you know where Park Place is?
Jaded youth: Next to Boardwalk.
Obnoxious woman: Where is that?

--E Broadway

Overheard by: Mr. Money Bags

That's "How We Throw an Unforgettable Bridal Shower"

Mother: And how do you stop the smoke from going through the crack under the door? Put... a... wet...
Toddler girl: Firefighter?

--77th & 1st

Wait, Are We Talking about the Movie or the Boat?

Bimbette: ... And then I was thinking, Wouldn't it suck if the Titanic really happened?
Friend: Are you fucking serious?
Bimbette: Yeah! I mean, it would be sad, right?

--34th St

I'm a Little Fuzzy on the Late Nineties

Woman: Well, it turns out that I was married a second time.
Man: Turns out to be? Like this was a surprise to you?

--Church & Liberty

You're Right, But for the Wrong Reasons.

Woman: You won't take a fifty? Why won't you take a fifty? This is outrageous! You don't have a checker pen? You just check it with a checker pen! You need to get a checker pen. Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening!
Counter chick: It's company policy, we can't take fifties. Nothing bigger than a twenty. But this drink is on the house.
Woman: I don't want it on the house! I want to pay!
Counter chick: Don't worry about it. It's on the house. You don't have to pay.
Woman: Well, this is the craziest thing I ever heard! You won't let me pay! This is my husband's fault! He owns a nightclub and he won't give me a credit card. All he gives me is cash from the till! All I have is fifties and hundreds! I have a whole purse full of them! And you won't let me pay! I feel like I'm homeless or something! Oh my god, this is so embarrassing.

--Jamba Juice, 5th & 23rd

Overheard by: oliver tomorrow

She's a Cleavage Psychic

Little girl: Will I have big mountain nungas like you someday?
Big sister: Only hillocks, I fear.

--58th & 6th

Overheard by: EAK

How Ignorant Would I Have to Become to Get That Rich?

Woman: He's very successful. I'm sure he's a millionaire by now, and he's only 26. He never even graduated from college.
Queer: I'm soooooo jealous. I wish I didn't have an education.

--Mott & Houston

All Ye Who Stagger and Tweak, Hear Me!

Woman: Yeah, trains come really slow this late. Sometimes you have to wait hours.
Woman's friend: Yes, it's all the groups of people who are drunk and fucked up out at this hour waiting for the train.
Drunk man: Yeah, that's a pretty big group of people.
Woman: Those people need a leader.
Drunk man, shouting: I could be their leader!

--34th St station

Because You Love Me, Right? Honey?

Girl: Honey, are you listening to me?
Guy: No, I was thinking about putting my dick in your mouth.
Girl: Oh.

--Central Park

Overheard by: dead letter b

And after That, Only Because I Loved You on Full House

NYU girl: I'm so stressed out.
NYU boy: You're stressed out? I'm rushing for a fraternity. I'm stressed out.
NYU girl: What do you have to do?
NYU boy: Can't say. It's top secret.
NYU girl: Oh my gawd, tell me!
NYU boy, jokingly: I get hazed.
NYU girl: What's hazed?
NYU boy: Oh my god. Wikipedia it.
NYU girl: What's Wikipedia? Well, whatever. I want to rush for a fraternity.
NYU boy: You can't. A fraternity is only for boys.
NYU girl: Ugh, fine! Then I'll rush for a maternity and I'll be cooler than you and your top secret fraternity.
NYU boy: Okay, we're not friends for ten minutes.

--Starbucks, W 4th

Do You Want to Smell Like Uncle Walter?

Tourist dad: Kids, you have pay attention when we're in the big city, 'cause...
Daughter: 'Cause if you don't you die?
Dad: No, you could get lost and then you'll become a street person.

--Central Park South

Um, It's a Mistake to Have Sex with Dead Clothes?

Smug fashionista: My god, that's a fashion faux pas if I ever saw one.
Confused companion: Oh, did she kill fashion again?
Smug fashionista: Not only did she kill fashion again, but she raped it after killing it! She's like... like... the necrophiliac of haute couture or something.... Wait. What the fuck am I talking about?!

--Madison Ave

Overheard by: Minnie Sukthankar-Romanovich

She Had a Featured Solo in Backside Story

Man, during intermission of Chicago: Did you see the chorus girl with the long auburn hair?
Woman: Yeah?
Man: I'm pretty sure I've seen her in porn on the internet.
Woman, annoyed: Well, when we get home maybe you can find out for sure.
Man: I'm not saying she can't sing!

--Ambassador Theatre, W 49th

Overheard by: Big Larry

You'll Be Sorry -- This Is a Limited-Time Muffin!

Tourist: What kind of berry is a triberry?
Barista: What?
Tourist: You're selling a triberry muffin. Well, what's a triberry? I've never heard of that before.
Barista: It has blueberry, strawberry, and raspberry in it. They call it triberry because it has three kinds of berries in it.
Tourist: So there aren't any triberries in it?
Barista: No.
Tourist: Then why do you call it a triberry muffin? That's false advertising.
Barista: As I explained, it's called that because it has three berries in it.
Tourist: But none of those berries are triberries?
Barista: No. There is no such thing as a triberry.
Tourist: I don't understand.
Barista: Look, do you want the muffin or not?
Tourist: I don't think so. I don't want to eat anything unless I know what it is first.
Barista: So what can I get you?
Tourist: Do you have a donut?
Barista: No.
Tourist: Never mind. [leaves]
Barista: Dumbass.

--Starbucks

Overheard by: Waplow

I'm Glad I Aborted His Baby

Woman #1: He slept with Mary?
Woman #2: And to think that I was this close to falling in love with him.

--Starbucks, Times Square

You're Both Right!

Old queen #1: I always thought that Dick Cavett was such a little asshole.
Old queen #2: I always found him to be downright delightful!

--Edison Diner, 47th St

Overheard by: I like Dick

Let Me Rephrase That.

Trader #1: Is she ok with that price?
Trader #2: Yeah, we have a great relationship. She'll take it in the end.

--777 3rd Ave

Back When I Was Only a Slut's Apprentice

Chick: I had such a hard time when I lived here. People were always calling me a slut. Always, always, always, always.
Guy standing next to her: Yeah?

--Outside the W Hotel, 17th & Park

Overheard by: Will

At Least She's Reading

Ghetto chick: Excuse me! Excuse me! What's the name of the towers that got knocked down?
Incredulous passerby: Umm . . . The World Trade Center.
Ghetto chick to thug boyfriend: See! I told you it wasn't none of that twin towers. You thinking of Lord of the Rings.

--Vesey St

And If Anybody Else Wants It

Chick: What the hell you doin' goin' around hittin' on other women?
Boyfriend: It ain't like that! It ain't like that!
Chick: What's the matter witchoo?! [Slaps him.]
Boyfriend: I just want to know if I still got it!

--Meatpacking District

How Do You Explain That Martha Stewart's Alive?

Child: Look, Mommy, that lady looks like Daddy's computer.
Mother: Which one?
Child: The one he has in his office.

--Seaman & Cumming

Or You're Harvey Fierstein

Woman: I got yoo-hooed just now by Greg.
Man: Yoo-hooed?
Woman: Yeah, he totally waved his hand and said, 'Yoo-hoo!'
Man: Dude, you just can't say that if you're under the age of 65 and not referring to a chocolate beverage.

--Central Park

I Got the Ring On, but Doctors Say the Finger Is Lost

Engaged girl: Oh my god, who did what with it?
Married girl: I squeezed it until it was blue.

--6th Ave & Carmine

Overheard by: Rachel

Really? Is My Face Red!

White chick to black chick: That's a cute bag. It would be, if it were real.
Black chick: Bitch, it ain't fake, it's stolen!

--14th & 8th

It's Art If I Say It Is, Damn It!

Girl: I can't believe you did that! Why would you erase one of my songs from my computer?
Boy: Because I hate Jack Johnson! Anyway, you've erased some of my art on the computer.
Girl: Do you mean those pictures you took of yourself scowling with no shirt on?

--13th & Ave A

Overheard by: Lark

And She Shows Up for It

Girl #1: Where was Liz last night?
Girl #2: Oh, you didn't hear?
Girl #1: Hear what?
Girl #2: She went to her boyfriend's grandmother's 82nd birthday!
Girl #1: Oh, that's sweet. Why are you so upset by that?
Girl #2: Her boyfriend's grandmother died four years ago! Apparently the family has been celebrating it every year! They have a cake with candles and everything.

--16th & 7th

Are You Okay with Sarcastic Sneering?

Guy handing out fliers: Do you like stand-up comedy?
Goth girl: No! I hate happiness!

--Times Square

Overheard by: A

Surrendering to Your Fate Will Be Sweet, Though

Girl: It's this way.
Guy: Are you sure?
Girl: I know where all the Jamba Juice is.
Guy: Are.
Girl: What?
Guy: Are. You know where all the Jamba Juice are.
Girl: Is.
Guy: Are! Each franchise is a separate entity!
Girl: Is! They're all part of single collective!
Guy: Jamba Juice is not the Borg!

--50th & Broadway

What? My Long Line Jokes Kill at Caroline's

Construction guy: Can't we move this line a little faster? This line isn't moving anywhere. What's with this line?
Lady: Here, you can go ahead of me.
Construction guy: I'm using humor, lady. This is just humor. I'm not serious here. [Gets in front of her in line.]

--4th St

Overheard by: the girl who fainted at Starbucks

I'm Not Gay, but I Don't Much Like Men

Little sis: I don't know. I'm just really confused. Like, how am I supposed to know what I want in a guy? You know? Like, what's your perfect guy?
Big sis: One with 6 weeks to live.
Little sis: Huh?
Big sis: Nevermind... God, that would be great, though.

--1 train platform, 23rd St

Should the Chain Be Stronger Than Your Neck?

Teen thug #1: You spent a thousand dollas on that chain?!
Teen thug #2: Yeah.
Teen thug #1: A thousand dollas? On that bullshit?!
Teen thug #2: This is titanium, son! Ain't nothin' stronger than this!

--3 train, 125th St

Overheard by: vegannramember@gmail.com

Grandma Has Just Two Settings

Girl #1: Actually, my mom ran into your grandmother the other day near here.
Girl #2: Oh, really? Was my grandmother nice to her or was she a raving bitch?
Girl #1: Oh. I don't know.

--7th & Christopher

I Knew I Shouldn't Have Worn This Shirt Again.

Nice guy #1: Hey, miss, would you like my seat?
Preggers: No.
Nice guy #2: Here, take mine. I'm getting off soon.
Preggers: For the love of God, I fucking said no! People these days gotta learn themselves some English.

--Bronx-bound 4 train

Guess You Haven't Interviewed in a While

Hobo to male passerby: Spare change? Anything helps -- God bless.
Passerby: Get a job.
Hobo: Get on your knees and give me a job!

--72nd & Broadway

Because You're Worth It

Cropped girl #1: Why doesn't Dawn have any other friends?
Cropped girl #2: Would you hang out with her?
Long-haired girl: Yes. She has long, shiny hair.
Cropped girl #1: Well, you are easier than other people.
Cropped girl #2: This is why she is our friend.
Long-haired girl: But neither of you has long, shiny hair.
Cropped girl #2: But I did when you first met me.
Long-haired girl: And that has held over.

--13th St & Ave A

Overheard by: Lola

What's His Job? Discuss

Girl: Why are you wearing cowboy boots?
Guy walking other way: I just got off work.
Girl, to friend: Did that guy just call me a whore?

--East Village

Overheard by: James Triggs

I Am Currently Traversing the Intermarriage Zone

Man: You look like someone I knew in college.
Hot lady suit: Oh, yeah?
Man: Where did you go to school?
Hot lady suit: BMCC.
Man: I went to Queens.
Hot lady suit: I did, too, for a while.
Man: Oh, my name is Eric. So, are you single?
Hot lady suit: Sometimes.
Man: Oooh.

--V train

Overheard by: Black White Woman

Nah, Just Kidding.

Princess: So are you, like, bored?
Man: No. I'm homeless.
Princess: Oh!

--Port Authority

I'll Be Running Late the Rest of My Life

Suit #1: So, how long did your five-minute meeting last?
Suit #2: A fucking hour.

--John St, between Cliff & Pearl

Socks Go on First

Trendy big black woman #1: Girl, did you see that woman?
Trendy big black woman #2: Hell yeah.
Trendy big black woman #1: Looks like she got dressed without instructions!

--McDonald's, 34th & 5th

Overheard by: Joey Madison

And the Appropriate Shampoo to Use for Crabs

Guy: Did you try rebooting?
Chick: Of course.
Guy: Because that's the first thing you should try doing when you--
Chick: --Look, half the guys I've dated have been in tech support. I've picked up a hell of a lot more than just VD. I know about rebooting.

--NYU

Overheard by: ctrl alt delete

Will We See Live Hipsters in Their Natural Habitat?

Minnesota girl: Like, when I come to New York I want to do something, like, crazy and fun!
Guy: Well, listen, you ran into the right guy, because I am, like...
Girl and guy in unison: Mr. Crazy Fun!
Guy: Exactly. Like, tonight I'm thinking about starting off at this place called a hookah bar. Have you ever heard of one?
Girl: No! What is it?
Guy: Well, it's this place where you smoke tobacco in Jordanian water pipes!
Girl: Wow.

--Koronets Pizza, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Wyatt

Which Reminds Me -- We Need to Shop for Staples

Yuppie: You know, that's a very expensive beer you're not drinking.
Girlfriend: Can't we have one night where you don't quote American Psycho?
Yuppie: Oh, he bought her Chardonnay. Don't worry, I'm not a Chardonnay guy.
Girlfriend: Whatever. Just don't nail-gun me in my sleep tonight. Again.

--Iggy's on Rivington

You May Think So, but You'll Never Know until You Challenge Yourself

Man: Don't you want to go to the water?
Woman, wiping something off her arm with a napkin: No. I've had enough poop for today.

--Central Park South, between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: Victor

Like Gilmore Girls Going off the Air

50-ish woman: My mom had a stroke.
Friend: Honestly, worse things can happen.

--Café Henri, West Village

Of Which There Is None at This Alleged "Bar"

Technician: It will cost a hundred and fifty dollars to have our technicians look at it.
Girl with computer problem: A hundred and fifty dollars?! No way. I'd rather spend that on alcohol.

--Apple Store Genius Bar

Overheard by: becca

Wait, Are You Describing the Movie or the Party?

Dude: I saw that movie at that sex party -- the one where Jim got a blowjob by a chick that was not his girlfriend.
Chick: Oh my god, that sounds awesome -- I love it already!
Dude: I know, it's awesome!

--LaGuardia & W 3rd

Anal Sex: What Can't It Fix?

Fashionista gets off elevator, bumping into guys on her way out.

Balding Greek guy: You know what she needs? A good dick up the ass, that's what she needs!
Black guy: That's what all them bitches need.

--1407 Broadway

Overheard by: Big Larry

The Court Ruled It a Case of Justifiable Momicide

Lady: You know that guy you stayed with last summer?
Daughter: Who?
Lady: He called last night. That rug salesman from Turkey.
Daughter: I never stayed with a Turkish rug salesman, Mom.
Lady: He's coming over at 10 tonight.

--5th Ave

Overheard by: I don't do his sales.

However, He Should Have Grabbed His Crotch for Emphasis

Hobo: I want to cum on your face.
Young woman: Uhhh... Well, at least he's being up-front -- putting all the cards on the table. I guess I respect that.

--27th & 10th

Overheard by: Julia C

Tempting, but I'm Not Gonna Risk It

Old, disgruntled customer: I wish I was young again.
Cashier: Do you believe in reincarnation? You could just kill yourself.

--Deli, Lex Ave, between 38th & 39th

Overheard by: Becki

Words to Live By

Thug #1: I don't know what happened -- I bought her a shot!
Thug #2: Yo, you can't be buyin' shots for fat chicks -- they be drinkin' 'em anyway.

--W 4th, outside Down the Hatch

Overheard by: NCS

Even If I Do Have a Master's in Regurgitation

Man: Dude, your marketing department -- they're like a bunch of baby birds!
Woman: I know! And I'm sick of throwing up in their mouths.

--57th & 5th

With Our Nice Breasts

Creepy man, about tourist's rack: Are those real?
Tourist girl to friend: Whoa, I guess we should have left our nice purses at home...

--Broadway

... Or Scary Movie IV

School girl #1: I wish I had the chance to watch more old movies.
School girl #2: Yeah, I totally know what you mean. I haven't seen any of the classics... You know, like Breakfast at Tiffany's or Dirty Dancing.

--5th Ave

Overheard by: trannysmithapple

Like Amy Fisher and Lindsay Lohan

Drunk Long Island girl #1: I am so wasted and I haven't even thrown up yet!
Drunk Long Island girl #2: It's like, we're drunk and we're from Long Island. We should be all... proper and shit.

--29th & 7th

Overheard by: 100% not drunk

So You Should Probably Stop Making Out with Her

Hipster girl: You know Mabel's dead, right?
Hipster boy: [Snickers.]

--9th St & Ave B

Overheard by: Rebecca Katherine Hirsch



Headline by: troy

Runners-Up:
· "And hen I heard about 9/11 I laughed so hard the milk came out my nose" - David Reitmeyer
· "If I Knew You Were Going To Take That Attitude, I'd Never Have Named The Fetus" - ED
· "Stan never thought about the awkward exchange AFTER you put your girlfriend's cat in the microwave" - alexcalibur
· "There are people named mabel who are still ALIVE?!" - mimi marquez


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

You'll Get a Contact High

Son: Mom, can I go and see Santa?
Mom: You ain't sittin' your big black ass on some white Santa!

--Amsterdam Ave

Overheard by: Confused white person

Clearly, I'm Hanging Out in the Wrong Places

Bimbette #1: Oh my god, shamans are, like, so in right now!
Bimbette #2: Really?!
Bimbette #1: Yeah! Like, every day I wake up and it's like, shaman-this and shaman-that.

--50th & 6th

Overheard Everywhere

She's a Sex Ed Class Dummy

Queer: Today Daisy totally showed me her vagina!
Girl: She shows everyone her vagina.

--3rd & 6th

Overheard by: zin

I'm Considering Getting Out of Sales

Freezing passerby: It's so cold! I wish they sold hot chocolate out here.
Yo-yo purveyor: Yeah... You wanna buy a yo-yo? Ah, that shit won't keep you warm.

--Rockefeller Center

Celebrity Wit

After four years of documenting the insights of the Unknown Man in the Street,
we're branching out and documenting the insights of the Celebrity, too. Let
us know what you think of our new site, Celebrity Wit, by e-mailing us at
hatemail@overheardinnewyork.com or lovemail@overheardinnewyork.com

Team Overheard

But If I Find One Hair, It's Going in the Trash

Teen girl #1: No, I don't think I'll be buying a chocolate vagina.
Teen girl #2: Why not?! It tastes like chocolate but looks like a vagina!
Teen girl #1: Okay... maybe.

--45th & Broadway

You May Have Failed to Find a Job to Be Unemployed From

Man: I am living the American dream -- I am unemployed, I wake up and play Xbox, and the state pays me! I am going to stay unemployed for as long as possible.
Hobo: The state pays you to not work? Shit, son, what am I doing wrong?

--W 51st & 11th

Wednesday One-Liners Remind You of Baby Carrots

Woman on cell: Well, we have a large problem -- his thing is very small...

--Outside Papaya Dog, W 4th

Overheard by: notrob

Professor: So, you have all seen large penises and small penises, but you never see a fatty penis! [Class laughs.] Is that a 'Yes, that is true' laugh, or what?

--Columbia University Med Center

Female theater-goer: His penis would have been normal-sized if he was five-foot-six. As it was, everything was out of proportion.

--Golden Theater

Overheard by: Colleen

Drunk man with imaginary cup: Excuse me, sorry for doing this -- I'm not shy, I just have a small penis, and I'd really appreciate some money for a penis enlargement surgery. And if not money, then a sandwich. A BLT or a larger cock. Thank you. I just want a larger cock.

--2 train

Overheard by: Man with the big penis

Just Like Any Stay at Home Parent

Guy: Why won't you spend time with me?
Chick: Because I don't want to date you, remember? I don't like you.
Guy: C'mon, let's go away for the weekend. Let's go to St. John's -- I'll pay.
Chick: That would make me a whore.
Guy: So, let's go.

--Spring & Lafayette

Overheard by: S

Wednesday One-Liners Need a Homing Device

Late-20s woman: Up until six months ago, I thought Europe was a country. I just didn't know...

--6 train

Overheard by: 21 and knows better

Social butterfly: Williamsburg? Where is that? Pennsylvania?

--Broadway & Bond

Overheard by: the bfd

Dude: What? You're not from Illinois, you're from Chicago!

--Cheesecake Factory

Female tourist: Where's Chicago, again? Oh, that's here in New York, right?

--Outside Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Genissimo

Astonished woman: Los Angeles is not a state!

--Outside Javits Center

Overheard by: Tara

Asian tourist chick: Is this considered the West coast?

--Max Brenner, Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners May Begin... Now

NYU student: I feel like the professor didn't scare me enough about the final exam y'know? So then, like, I didn't get nervous enough, so then I didn't study enough, so then I didn't do well on it, y'know? So, like, it's really my professor's fault, y'know?

--Korean deli, 13th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Joseph O'Connell

Cop: Yeah, the open-book exam? I passed it on appeal.

--45th & Broadway

Guy on cell: ... Fucked me, dude. Fucked me hard. Bent me over the desk and rammed a bluebook right up my ass. Sooo fuckin' hard...

--Union Square

Guy: I should have studied for this final... But the tequila was so good!

--NYU Silver Center

Student to professor during final: Do you want us to use our intelligence or follow the instructions?

--Columbia University

I Have the Smallest Ericsson Ever!

Jock #1: Mine is five inches!
Jock #2: Hah! I got you beat! Mine is about four inches.
Jock #3: Yeah? Well, I beat both you dudes. Mine is only two inches!

--W 112th, between Broadway & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Christopher Stone

Of Course, I Missed Like Every Science Class Ever

Hipster girl: Gosh, I'm like Pavlov's dog!
Guy: What the hell is that?
Hipster girl: You don't know? They teach it in, like, every science class ever!
Guy: So, what is it?
Hipster girl: It has something to do with bells and drool, I'm not really sure.

--Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Tres Chic

What's the Bad News?

Tall blonde: Didn't you say you were getting an ice cream cake? I'm so confused.
Short blonde: There was no time for both, so that'll have to be another break a little later.
Tall blonde: Ah, okay. I just was worried about it sitting in Accounting, so I went to get it and they had no idea what I was talking about.
Short blonde: Oh, no, no. Plus, I couldn't carry all three. The good news -- Mylar won't melt.

--25th & Broadway

Overheard by: prciosasoy

Is 'Oxycodone' with an 'I' or a 'Y'?

Lady suit: I can't keep coming here to get my prescription filled. They're beginning to recognize me.
Suit: So what?
Lady suit: So, what if I get in trouble?
Suit: Why would you get in trouble? You have a prescription from a doctor.
Lady suit: If you say so. Oh, shit, I forgot to put the date on this.

--Duane Reade, 89th & Columbus

Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/

Wednesday One-Liners Ride a Vespa

Hipster on cell: I'm not even buying anything. I'm just here to be seen.

--Trader Joe's

Hipster boy: I loves me some master race!

--Lobby, the Met

Overheard by: Shayna

Tipsy hipster girl: Wine is so, like, the blood of the gods!

--W 4th & Christopher St

Hipster guy: I think the most truly good person who's ever been on this earth was Gandhi. Or maybe Martin Luther King, Junior... But he was black.

--Times Square

Overheard by: Ghandi was Indian..

Drunk chick: What kind of hipsters are you that you won't fuck a girl just because she wants to wear a Sailor Moon costume?

--St. Mark's Pl

But Who Cares about the Golden Globes?

Buddy #1: Did you see Forest Whitaker's speech at the Golden Globes? He won Best Actor. I'm almost positive he was on crystal meth. He was, like, stuttering and his eyes were tearing up.
Buddy #2: Maybe he was emotional 'cause he won the award.
Buddy #1: [Long, reflective pause] Yeah... Maybe that, too.

--40th & 5th

Overheard by: Wubba

Wednesday One-Liners Always Have a Date

Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It's just never come up, I guess. So I think, 'Okay, I'm not that young anymore -- I'll take what I can get...' and it was going fine, but then I didn't know you're not supposed to shove it in that fast...

--14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Peter L

Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It's not a dildo, it's a back massager from Duane Reade.

--Christopher & 7th

Girl: I've got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I'm all set!

--Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn

Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?

--6 train

Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!

--Victoria's Secret dressing room

20-something guy to pals at brunch: I'm tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!

--56th & 9th

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads

Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No... 40 grand, and I'll suck your dick.

--Fashion District

Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can't teach you anything if you don't practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.

--78th St & 37th Ave

Overheard by: Jillian

Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya'll!

--2 train

Overheard by: Macaire

Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That's NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.

--Bleecker & Mercer

Overheard by: Jay

Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, 'Are you on Restless?' And I was like, 'Yeah,' and then she dropped to her knees!

--2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: wishing i did soaps

Suit on cell: On one hand, you're married, and I don't need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.

--Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium

Overheard by: did he get a receipt?

Meet Refried Jean

Girl #1: I looove Mexican food.
Girl #2: Me, too... just not people ordering it while they're having sex with me.

--Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Fucking Lightweight

Chick #1: Are you feeling better? You looked really sick last night.
Chick #2: Yeah, I felt like I got hit by a Tonka truck.
Chick #1: A Tonka truck?
Chick #2: Well, you know, I always exaggerate.
Chick #1, laughing: A Tonka truck is a toy. I think you mean a mack truck.
Chick #2: ... No wonder people look at me weird when I say that.

--Ten's World Class Cabaret

Thanks to Dow Corning Breast Implants

Loud guy: They're both really pretty.
Girl: Yeah, sure.
Loud guy: Sure, they've got busted noses, but they're still really pretty.

--Chola Restaurant, 58th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave

This week's Headline Contest

This week's Headline Contest: Here

Tuesdays with Morrie Used to Be Way Less Awkward

Guy #1 holding porn DVD: I would so love to fuck a girl that was into DP.
Guy #2: Yeah, me too, but ball touching is so gay, and I'm trying to recover from the cock.



Headline by: Will

Runners-Up:
· "Because hot cock requires cold turkey" - Greg Costello
· "He also just had laser surgery for his masturbatory blindness" - remark
· "I know dad, i know." - nick
· "I think there's a 12 inch program for that." - nick
· "Rectum? That rooster nearly killed 'im!" - Dalton
· "Step One: Stop going to the porn shop with your "buddy"" - DanaLishs


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Pimp: The New Game from Electronic Arts

Dude #1: You have to make a decision -- between the girls you want to fuck, the girls you want to kill, and the girls you want to marry.
Dude #2: Yeah...

--East Houston

It's Her Ex

Anorexic JAP on cell: ...No money, so I stopped dating him.
Hobo: Whore.
Anorexic JAP, to hobo: Excuse me?
Hobo: Nice thighs -- have another doughnut.

--East Village

Caffeine: Mortgaging Your Physiological Future

Old lady #1: So I think maybe that's the problem with New Yorkers.
Old lady #2: No decaf?
Old lady #1: Yep, no decaf. That's the problem.

--Starbucks, 102nd & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Never Sleep Either

Queer on cell: You want me to plan something seasonal? In New York City? You mean, like drinking pumpkin lattes in Starbucks?

--E 78th & York

Overheard by: Hollie G.

Hippie hobo: Man, look at those guys out there, working in the tunnels with all that shit. I'd rather be a park ranger, man. Watch me go get another picnic basket! [Pause] God, get me out of this fucking city. New York sucks. I just want to build a tree house.

--Uptown 1 train

Guy to car that nearly hits him as he crosses street against the light: Fuck you! Welcome to New York!

--19th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Ghetto chick: You got a homeless guy blowing kisses at you. You're a real New Yorker now.

--58th & 8th

Tourist dad to young daughter after seeing two hobos: It's a New York City thing, honey.

--R train

Woman on cell: I'm walking in an urban landscape. I said I'm walking in an urban landscape!

--78th & Park Ave

Conductor: If you step out of the door, the rest of New York can keep going.

--1 train

Overheard by: Xavier

Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look

Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?

--5th Ave

Overheard by: Francesca

White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?

--4 train

Overheard by: Gregorio

Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?

--D train, Grand Concourse

Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?

--Manhattan-bound F train

Overheard by: Josh

Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?

--Game Stop, Forest Hills

Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They're like lions -- from the sea!

--Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: Andrew K.

Least Effective Rating System Ever

Guy #1: So what's the deal with that chick who was talking to you?
Guy #2: Well, I think she's absolutely atrocious. But yeah, I'd hit that.

--The Joshua Tree, Murray Hill

...Pipe Wrench. What?

Employee #1 on phone: So, I'm at your apartment and I found your pipe, but I can't find your--
Employee #2: Dude, stop... You're on speakerphone!

--Office, 44th & Broadway

Hey, Kiss My Wednesday One-Liners

Drunk guy: Excuse me, Miss, I'm askin'... I want to kiss your ass! Just the left cheek!

--8th Ave & W 55th St

Overheard by: Fred Daubert

Canadian guy: The first kiss'll be at the altar.

--Uptown 6 train

Loudmouth on cell: Yeah man, and then, like, I was kissing her, and then I like, just started dancing with her. We were dancing, man. And then I picked her up, and she beat the crap out of me, and I had to put her down. Yeah, man. But she was a fuckin' awesome kisser.

--NYU

Overheard by: lucy in the sky with diamonds

Girl on cell: I can't remember the last time we kissed on the mouth, can you?

--43rd & Lex

Ghetto chick leaving after fight with boyfriend: Kiss my ass. No, kiss my pussy while it's bleeding, like you used to.

--Washington Heights

Girl on cell: He said he wouldn't leave until I kissed him... so I kissed him while I was on the toilet!

--115th St & Manhattan Ave

Overheard by: Melissa Berry

Give Me Some Head with Hair?

Tourist to woman handing out fans promoting Hair: What is this?
Woman: It's, you know, a fan. So you can blow yourself.

--Broadway & 46th

Overheard by: Dain

Julie London?

Tween girl: It so smells like London out today.
Hippie chick: What does London smell like?
Tween girl: Really damp.

--10th St & Greenwich

Overheard by: Intimidated by children

Dear Sir: I Have Much Candy in a Nigerian Account

Chick: Do you have your Halloween costume yet?
Dude: Yeah, I'm gonna be Spam... but not the salty kind!

--Madison Ave

Overheard by: sophia johannah zuckerman pogoff's friend emi

They Left the Scouts Under the Table

Old lady # 1, crossing the street: Will you help me?
Old lady # 2: Yeah, yeah -- I'll help you.
Old lady # 1: I am very drunk.
Old lady # 2: Yeah, I drank a lot, too.

--78th & York

Overheard by: I hope I'm still getting drunk when I'm that old

His Translation Captures the Spirit of the Original

Chinese girl: [in Chinese] Your luck just ran out.
Black girl: What the fuck did she say?
Chinese passerby: You are fucked.

--W 4th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Ting

Wednesday One-Liners Hallah Back

Chick complaining about looking for roommates: The problem with today is that everybody's Jewish.

--Dobbin & Norman

Overheard by: Sam Tresler

Young quasi-gangster to friends: Even if you're not Jewish, you're, like... Jewish.

--Post-Yankees game on B train

Overheard by: Indiana

Tourist chick: How, how, how can there be no Jewish deli? All I want is a tongue sandwich and a fucking piece of pizza!

--Grand Central Station

Overheard by: X-tal

Lady suit: Are you saying you'd rather be with a Jewish person than a wife-beater?

--18th & 6th

Overheard by: emily

JAP: Shiksas are totally not allowed on Jdate!

--71st & Columbus

Overheard by: DebDan

Chick in stall to friend: It must be a Jewish thing, but whenever there's food around I have to eat it -- even if I'm not hungry.

--Restroom, Loews Cinema, 11th & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Em

Queer: No, like, of course you're not Jewish. I just wanted to check before I dissed the Jews.

--113th & Broadway

Overheard by: hilla

No, Although We Do Have a Slight Anxiety About Whackjobs Trying to Electrocute Us in Elevators

Lady carrying box: What brings you to the city?
British woman: We're here looking at schools.
Lady carrying box: Well, are you concerned about electromagnetic fields?

--New Yorker Hotel elevator

Overheard by: Alyssa

Another Round of Wednesday One-Liners

Woman: She brought a bottle of vodka on the plane with her. She was doing shots the whole flight.

--Central Park

Overheard by: sarah

Conductor: The next stop is Cherry Hill, but for the men singing, it was alcohol.

--NJ Transit

Overheard by: Date Rape

Smooth operator: Don't worry, I thought you were pretty before I got drunk.

--Subway

Party girl: Yeah, so I did like 10 shots and woke up the next day wearing only one shoe and a sombrero.

--51st St & Broadway

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have spent all my money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs... But now, I have learned my lesson. I want to spend all your money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs... and viagra...

--Union Square, uptown 6 train

Guy: Dude, I can't get that drunk. I am trying to fuck that girl tonight.

--Outside Columbia dorm

Bimbette: Oh my god, it was a terrorist act! I'm going to the wine bar.

--68th St & York

We May Have to Put It to Sleep

Ghetto boy #1: My boy ain't getting no pussy. No pussy at all.
Ghetto boy #2: And the pussy that he is getting is sick pussy!

--Broadway & Lafayette St

Juvenile Wednesday One-Liners

Second grader: Earth is the greatest planet in the whole world!

--125th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Yes, I'm his teacher.

Little boy to younger brother in elevator: Stop! It's like the hospital, you can't touch anything!

--Columbia University

Overheard by: student

Little girl: Big Brother is watching!

--Franklin St & Church St

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Little boy: Yo, digit, you don't get any pussy, how you gonna say she ugly?

--Corsa Ave, the Bronx

Overheard by: Edward Carney

Little girl to other little girl wearing school uniform: You look like a woman. Go change!

--116th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Ken Yapelli

Little girl: Excuse me, where is the drugstore? I mean, where are the drugs?

--Duane Reade, 7th Ave & Flatbush

Overheard by: Cupcake

Little boy: I can't wait to get home so I can scratch my crotch!

--6th Ave & 17th St

Funny how 'Bitch' Is Worse than Mother Sex

Hobo: Fuck you, you shits, you fucking assholes. I'm going to fucking kill you! Fuck you! Fuck you bitches! Fuck you and your mothers!
Queer #1: Oh no. No you did not just call me a bitch. You crazy homeless fuck.
Queer # 2: Mhm, get sassy on this bitch. Bitch deserves to be homeless. He should just shut his mouth and keep it movin'.

--Sheridan Square

Oh Hell, Maybe I Am Racist

Girl: Who was she with?
Hairdresser: I'm not, like, racist or anything, but she came with two guys, one was Puerto Rican and one was black!

--Supercuts, 3rd and 32nd

Overheard by: Joe

It's All About the Edjamins

Girl #1 on cell: So I freaked out as soon as I saw Ethan and... And... What's his name, Bill?
Girl #2: Ben.
Girl #1 on cell: And Ted.
Girl #2: Ben
Girl #1: Ed.
Girl #2: Ben!
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: Ben!
Girl #1 on cell: Well, Henry.

--5th Ave & 16th

Overheard by: in love with jack

Apple's Next Anti-PC Marketing Campaign Takes Shape

Office thug #1: Yo, Windows is, like, mad-retarded!
Office thug #2: Say what?
Office thug #1: I said Windows is bullshit, man.
Office thug #2: Man, I been telling you that shit for years. My G5 is way better than whatever computer you got.
Office thug #1: Nigga, my laptop has AIDS!

--52nd St & Madison

And I'm Gonna Tell Dick You Said That

White boy #1: I only like to watch girl-on-girl.
White boy #2: What? You don't like dick in your porn? That's fucking gay.

--Union Square

Overheard by: Jesse

But With Some Curtains, a Fresh Coat of Paint...

Tourist: Wow, it's like a whole underground city thing here!
Local: I dont know any freaks who would want to live in a city like this.

--Times Square subway station

Overheard by: LSB

Any Alley Will Do

Drunk queer #1: Hey, let's get some food!
Drunk queer #2: I don't have any money!
Drunk queer #1: That's alright. Papi will pay...if you nibble his foreskin!
Drunk queer #2: Alright. Where do you wanna go?

--17th & 5th

You Are What You Eat, Young Lady

Rabid coworker: Hey, can you come over to my house and help me install some doors?
Lesbian coworker: I'm not that kind of lesbian!

--Apple Store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: i sell the ipods

What Happens When You Let Jesuits Educate Your Kids

Tween girl: Mom you're not a tease if you give it up, you're a slut. Jesse's a slut, I'm a tease.

--Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: S-dawg

Sweetie, if You Think Changing Clothes Will Let you Blend in, You're Even More of a New Englander than You Realize

Bostonian Girl: I need to get clothes for the city.
Bostonian Guy: What's wrong with what you have?
Bostonian Girl: Are you kidding? We're in New York City, you can't wear North Face in NYC. They'll be able to tell we're New Englanders from a mile away.

--Fordham University

The Apron Strings were his Re-entry Vehicle

Buzz Aldrin's wife: Every woman should control 75 to 90% of her husband's life.

--Javits Center

No, I Mean This Guy Who Presses Himself up Against Me

European tourist: I have my spoon!
Table of friends: What?!
European tourist: I have my spoon!
Table of friends: Um...you mean umbrella?

--Hudson Corner Café

Overheard by: Thompson

After the Performance, the Lollipop Guild Filed Suit Against Him

Older lady: Oh, Dwight, I know! I know!
Older gentleman: Yes, and the costumes looked like they were designed by homosexual children!
Older lady: Haha!! Homosexual children!
Older gentleman: Not even full-grown ones!

--New York City Opera's production of Semele

Overheard by: bisexual opera student

He'll Be Happy to Share Some WD-40 Memories with You, Though

Preppy guy #1: I hate geese shit on fields.
Preppy guy #2: It's not so bad. It's a good lubricant for when you slide-tackle people. You know, you just keep sliding...
Preppy guy #3: Dude, I can't remember the last time I jerked off using geese shit. It can't be that good a lubricant!

--Central Park

This Was at the Heart of the Dispute Between Edison and Tesla

Queer #1: Ann and Leslie are here.
Queer #2: Shit, are they lesbians?
Queer #1: Yeah.
Queer #2: Uh, I'm a D.C. gay. I don't hang out with lesbians.

--3rd & B

Good Samaritan Laws Have Yet to be Enacted in the Subway

Man, boarding downtown E: This is the downtown E?
Woman: Yes.
Man: You sure?
Woman: I'm positive.
Man: Aight, 'cause if those numbers start gettin' bigger, yo head gonna get bigger, bitch.

--E train, 42nd St

Overheard by: Ivan

You Catch It the Same Way You Do Unicorns

Gigantic suit, urinating outside: Excuse me, ladies. I apologize for that.
Ladies: It's OK.
Gigantic suit: There's a big black cock on the loose.

--19th & Broadway

Overheard by: becca

Rape of the Sabine Transsexuals

Teen girl #1: If you were a guy, I would totally rape you.
Teen girl #2: Isn't it the other way around?
Teen girl #1: No. I wouldn't rape a girl. Unless she was a guy.
Teen girl #2: Oh.

--Broadway

Astonishingly, This Didn't Work When He Asked His Wife to Do Anal

Little girl: Daddy! Why can't I try? Why can't I ride it?
Dad, on mini-bike: Because I'm God, and God says so.

--72nd & 5th

Overheard by: better off agnostic

I Said I Just Whacked Off

Coworker #1: So what've you been up to?
Coworker #2: The usual. Just whacked off.
Coworker #1: Dude, you're on speakerphone.

--Office, Midtown

Overheard by: Madeline

Cheech & Chong's Wednesday One-Liners, Man

Queer: When I get stoned, my grundle itches.

--6 train

Overheard by: sheerah


Street vendor, gesturing to enormous bong: No, no...this one is for tobacco.

--St. Mark's


Elderly man: People are stupid! They don't do pot!

--R train


Stoned guy: Man, why do chip manufacturers always put the crumbs at the bottom of the bag?

--Columbia University

Overheard by: bernard black


Teenage gangsta: Yo, when I was in the shower, it totally tasted like weed. For real.

--Lafayette & Houston


Passenger: If you see a suspicious package or activity on the platform or train, don't keep it to yourself. Tell a cop or an MTA employee or me. There might be some money or some weed in there.

--4 train

Overheard by: Mike


Long-haired dude, picking up a cigarette butt: Man, that's not what I wanted to smoke.

--72nd & Columbus

Overheard by: clarence rosario

Owner: Actually, I Like a Gentle Up-and-Down Motion -- The Roughened Tongue Will Be Ideal

Broker: This is not a pet-friendly property.
Girl: Does it matter if my cat is toilet-trained?
Broker: I don't understand.
Girl: My cat doesn't have a litter box. It uses the toilet. Does that help?
Broker: I am not sure if that makes a difference. How did you do it?
Girl: I used a training kit. CitiKitty.
Broker: It might impress the owner, but I am not sure it makes a difference. Does your cat flush?
Girl: It will if that helps me get the apartment.

--82nd & Columbus

She Misunderstood 'Underwire Bra'

Girl #1: My nipples are really sore and I don't know why.
Girl #2: Did you ever think that they might hurt because of the pieces of metal you've stapled through them?

--110th St

Overheard by: Not stapled

Don't You Have Any Books Besides The Inferno and The Prince?

Guy #1: So she looks at it with all the sauce, and goes, "That's not Italian." That's her whole classification system: everything's either Italian or not Italian.
Guy #2: Good thing the library doesn't use that system.

--Datavision Computer Video, 38th & 5th

A World Where My Sisters and Brothers Will Be Judged Not by the Color of Their Skin but by the Circumference of Their Ass

Hobo: Spare some change for the fucking poor? Yeah, that's right, you fucking chinks. Fucking slanty-eyed flat-assed bitches! Suck my ass!
Asian woman: He said my butt was flat!

--114th & Broadway

He's a Lock for a Career There

Father: Look at that sign. What do you think mela means?
Son: I don't know.
Father: Look at the picture.
Son: Oh, apple! So it's, like, an Applebee's?

--Little Italy

How Are They Wearing Orange Cheese in Paris These Days?

Customer: You got anything for a model in here? My niece is a model, and I gotta get her something for her birthday!
Salesgirl: Yes, ma'am, we have some dresses over here.
Customer: 'Cause she's a model, and I gotta get her something... [holding up a scarf] is this good for a model?
Salesgirl: Well, yes, do you think she'd like those colors?
Customer: Oh, I don't know! Who knows what these models want anyway! Do you have a knife?
Salesgirl: What?
Customer: A knife! A knife! So I can cut this open! [Produces large block of orange cheese from her coat]
Salesgirl: Um, ma'am, there's no eating in the store.
Customer: I know that! I'm not gonna eat it! I just want to open it! Jesus!
Salesgirl: Let me get my manager.

--Pookie and Sebastian, 36th & 3rd

Overheard by: Jenna Blackburn

Let Me Know When You're Considering Women - Then I'll Be Impressed

Queer: Dude, I'm so horny, I'm thinking about considering Asians.

--Lil' Frankies, 1st St

Kinda Leaves a Bad Taste in Your Mouth, Though

Man: You finally made it.
Woman: Yeah... by the time I wake up, get ready, drive to the train station, take the train, then take the subway to get here all for a ten-minute interview... it's, like, a total rim job.
Man: Ummm... at least you made it.

--50th & 7th

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Only Two People in New York with Insurance

Scaffolding: [loud boom]
Girl: Holy shit.
Construction worker #1: Hey, it's OK, don't worry.
Construction worker #2: Yeah, we have insurance!

--81st & 2nd

Overheard by: another girl about to walk under the death tr

But I Am Also Open to the Fingers of Others

Guy: Yeah, sometimes I like to suck on my fingers.
Girl: OK.

--Fanelli's, Prince & Mercer

Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Reverse-Necrophiliac: I hate dead people. They have such attitude.

--Time Warner Center


Elderly bathroom attendant, finding a used tampon on the floor: Whoever did this, I hope she die! That shit is nasty! I hope her pooty fall out and she die!

--Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Leah Beirne


Hefty guy: No, I will not take pictures of a dead body... Not if it only died for a few hours.

--Target, Queens Blvd

Overheard by: barbat


Co-Worker on phone: If you do die 25 years ago, you don't die now!

--52nd & 5th


Proselytizer: Listen! Listen to me! You must abstain! Abstinence is the only way! I tell you the truth--if you have sex, you will get pregnant, you will get an STD, and you will die!

--125th St

Overheard by: slightly intrigued


Woman: You're born, yadda yadda yadda...You learn how to type. You get clarity. And then, ya die.

--24th & 7th

Overheard by: Dennis


Compassionate man on cell: The kid died from an overdose...[laughs] But the kid died from a drug overdose. So it's not my fault.

--Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

A Nice Set of Wednesday One-Liners

Modest hoochie: Yeah, I can always tell if a guy's a fag or not by whether he checks out my tits.

--Penn Station


Teenage girl: That's 'cause Puerto Ricans come up to you and be like, "Hey, Mami, lookin' hot," but Dominicans come up to you and be like, "Yo, Mami, you got nice tits!"

--Columbus Circle

Overheard by: erlinflask


Woman in tight shirt: I just know, you know, that at some point I'm going to have saggy boobs.

--Ave A between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: Nathan


Guy: I contend that if you're going to allow someone to breast-feed in a public place, then I should be allowed to stare.

--Wd~50, Clinton St

Overheard by: Evan


Toothless Brooklynite: I'm sayin' she used to have some good pussy and some big ole titties. I'm talking double E-E's. And she went to the doctor and had them cut off. Her titties was cut off!

--A train

Overheard by: The Law Professor


Teen girl to mother: Maybe I'll do that. Or maybe I'll just give myself a boob job with a rusty butter knife and water balloons!

--N train


Guy: Well, it's not like you can't say you've never had your bosom in somebody's elbow before.

--Stage door, Eugene O'Neill Theatre, West 49th St

Wednesday One-Liners Always Thought Slim Goodbody Was Hot

Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!

--Brooklyn bound F train

Overheard by: PoisonIvy


Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin' good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!

--1 train


Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs...

--1 train

Overheard by: sara n.


Woman on cell: I can't believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!

--18th & Park

Overheard by: edward


Vendor: What if they test it and find that it's from his ear?!

--Wooster & Broome


Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It's called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there's a market for them.

--Fordham

Overheard by: Jess McGins


Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I'm on the street. I can't hear--Oh, tilted! That's totally fucked up. I'm sorry.

--23rd & 6th

Look at How Stretched-Out Her Vagina Is

Boyfriend: Y'know, you can tell she was really pretty... What?

--Bodies exhibit, Fulton St

Overheard by: also stared

It's a Great Way to Pick Up the Mothers of My Future Fetuses

Ghetto Girl: I wonder how come you don't see more men here...
Gangsta #1: Shit, 'cause they ain't got patience for this shit. I been here for four hours!
Gangsta #2: Yo nigga, that's why I go shopping.

--Planned Parenthood waiting room, Bleecker St

Sadly Not Beyond the Realm of Possibility

Kid presses call button on commuter hotline phone.

Father: Why did you do that?
Son: I'm sorry. I didn't know what it was.
Father: If you do that again the police will arrest you.
Son: Really?
Father: Yes, George Bush will come and take you to jail.
Son: What?
Father: He will kill you and put your picture on the Wall of Memories [Ground Zero feature].

--World Trade Center PATH station

It Was One of Those Lady and the Tramp Moments

Southern college boy: I never knew a month of Xanax would turn into a six-week relationship.
Girl: Was it you or my sister that ate it?
College boy: Both.
Girl: Nice.

--Martinetti's, 1st & Houston

Overheard by: why didn't i think of that

Another Satisfied Customer of Rib Removal Surgery

Girl #1: You wanna try some of my tuna roll?
Girl #2: No, that's okay. I'll just eat my box.

--Sushiya, 56th & 5th

Overheard by: Reina

He Used to Be a Pro, But Now He Just Freelances

Suit #1: So this is Manhattan.
Suit #2: I need a blowjob.
Hobo: How much you paying?

--Penn Station

Overheard by: James Dean

It Feels Good But Makes You Stupid Over Time

Guy #1: So how are you liking law school?
Guy #2: It's really satisfying.
Guy #1: Yeah?
Guy #2: Yeah, its like a bong hit of knowledge every day.

--Lower East Side

Overheard by: Ashir

She Seems Slow, But She's Very Efficient at Making Cars and Killing Jews

Guy: You know, I never noticed she had an accent before.
Girl: Yeah, she's German.
Guy: Oh...I always thought she was slow.

--SIP, 110th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Chris Kelly

Wednesday One-Liners Fail the Purity Test

Girl: I'm done with threesomes. Someone always gets hurt. It's four-gies only from now on.

--Duane Reade, 32nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Jaina Wald


Man on cell: You got the what? The what? So you got the queen-sized bed!! You whore! You whore!

--Wall & Water

Overheard by: Aubrie


Man: Hey, anyone want to go to an orgy?

--Central Park


Loud teen boy: Dad, do we need condoms?

--Pharmacy, 82nd & Columbus


Girl on cell: Well it's not even like anyone there had any real porn background!

--Union Square

Overheard by: Natalie


Guy on stoop: Dude! I did not give that girl VD.

--22nd & Broadway


Loud female suit: Well, at least he wasn't sleeping with an intern!

--45th & Lex


Preppy girl on cell: Hey, girly, I got myself two tickets for us to go to the Dominican Republic for next week, and you know what that means: 7 days of Dominican cock. Yum!

--34th St

Overheard by: naidababy

You Start Handing Out Directions, Next Thing You Know They're Talking Reparations

Black woman: Excuse me, miss?
Upper-East-Side white biotech: I don't have any money.
Black woman: I just wanted directions.

--74th & Lex

Let's Go to Thailand!

Little boy, looking at transvestite: Daddy, is that a boy or a girl?
Dad: It's a boy.
Little boy: But boys don't wear dresses!
Transvestite: Child, you got a lot to learn.

--Bleecker St

Overheard by: Jeremy

In Her Living Room, She Just Lies There

White chick: Hey! Enough with the pushing already!
Indian woman: No! No! No! This is not your living room. This is rush hour--so I pooosh and pooosh!

--Penn Station

Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon

Wednesday One-Liners Mind the Gap

Man: All I want is vaginal fluids. Been locked up for years upstate.

--Astor Place


Hipster dude: It smells like dirty vagina out here.

--Graham & Richardson, Williamsburg


Amateur gynecologist: I mean, when you think about it, he's really just a big vagina with sand in it.

--93rd & 3rd


Frat guy: I don't know, man...I just don't trust her vagina.

--Outside Ray's Pizza, Houston St

Overheard by: Becky


Chubby teen: I've never even touched a vagina!

--100th & Amsterdam


Worker: They had a bet on who ate the best pussy. They get on the stage and take turns going down on her.

--32nd & Madison


Woman, to store clerk: Excuse me, do you knows where the pussy products is?

--Duane Reade, 45th & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Need the Cliffs Notes

Drunk college kid: I had to read Grapes of Wrath. Which, by the way, has no grapes! Pissed me off!

--53rd & 7th


20-Something chick: Non fiction? That's true stuff right?

--Barnes & Noble, 54th between 3rd & Park


Older sister, giving younger brother a book entitled Living in Sin: Here, this is all about you.

--Barnes & Noble, Union Square


Guy, to friend reading Dostoevsky's The Idiot: Hey, is that your autobiography?

--Times Square

Overheard by: John


Ghetto white dude: Yo, that nigga is like Shakespeare. Mad gangsta.

--9th St & 4th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: shannon ramlochan


Guy: You can't talk to me for half an hour about Chaucer and then tell me you have a boyfriend.

--St Mark's & 3rd

Wednesday One-Liners: Too Busy to Acquire Social Skills

Virgin-For-Life: Clark Kent and Kal-El are the same goddamn thing, Joey! We are not having this conversation again! Jesus Christ! I'm going home!

--Coney Island


20-Something Virgin-For-Life, noticing guy with Superman t-shirt: Look! That's who I wanna be when I grow up! Clark Kent! Imagine just taking a suit off and becoming a superhero.

--Empire State Building

Overheard by: Guy With Superman t-shirt


Virgin-For-Life: The intestinal epithelium is my dream tissue.

--Albert Einstein College of Medicine, the Bronx

Overheard by: Joshua Drumm


Virgin-For-Life: He's really sharp. He's like the head of Voltron.

--23rd between 5th & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Flaming Bag on Your Porch

Dude: It's all right to be self-conscious about your feces.

--L train

Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed


Tourist: On the farm, manure smells pretty good. But in the city it just smells like horse shit.

--Horse carriages, Central Park South & 5th Ave


Man to his dog: Damn, nigga, you betta hurry up an' shit already. I got places to be!

--112th & Amsterdam


Hipster guy: The park is open for pooping!

--Washington Square Park

Overheard by: I went at home


Techie on cell: Yeah, you got it: I'm going to troubleshoot the crap out of it. Yeah, you heard me: troubleshoot the crap!

--Penn Station

Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon


Dude: All the toilet paper in here is shitty!

--Duane Reade, 70th & Broadway

Overheard by: Yesenia


8-year-old girl: Let's play poo-poo!

--Green St, Greenpoint

Overheard by: twelvis

Wednesday One-Liners Are What They Are By Virtue of Their Relationships

Girl: ...because I feel like we're going out. It's just that he won't call me.

--Dunkin' Donuts, E 14th St

Overheard by: MK


Homegirl to boyfriend: No, no, that's not what I said, that's what you heard.

--1st & Ave B

Overheard by: Mollena


Girl: In the last few years, every time I go away to Paris with someone, I end up breaking up with them.

--San Loco, 7th St & 2nd Ave


B&T girl #1 to B&T girl #2: If you lived in NYC, you'd totally find a boyfriend. You totally, totally would.

--LIRR to Penn Station

Overheard by: Pia Peanutbuttas


Sassy chick: I was having a glass of wine with him, and he didn't have anything to say to me. So I licked his ear.

--Harlem

Overheard by: McN


Shrewd observer: That's not dating. It's called being on parole.

--West Building, Hunter College


Woman on cell: Well, I happen to like our Goddamn relationship, thank you very much!

--Central Park

Overheard by: Mike

Wednesday One-Liners Mention the Unmentionables

Man, pointing at window display: That'll make a nice gift for the wife: a pair of underwear that say "SALE" across the ass. Classy.

--Outside Victoria's Secret, Herald Square

Overheard by: sean


Hipster chick: Quite frankly I'd rather wash all my bras tonight.

--F train

Overheard by: braincurve


Woman to five elderly ladies: All right, ladies, put your underwear on and let's go.

--L&B Spumoni Gardens, 86th St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld


Chick on cell: So how long did it take the four of you to find your bra the next morning?

--Harlem

Overheard by: Jess is hot.


Girl on cell: I am so not letting my underwear go on a date with his underwear.

--Prince & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Fries With That

Very large man, pointing at a McDonald's: Where were you last night at 3 a.m. when I was craving you?

--49th & 9th


Man wearing an "I Heart My Heart" shirt, to guy eating fast food: You're just aching for that heart attack, aren't you?

--46th & Broadway


Angry burger flipper: Making Big Macs is complex. It's 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...And then it gets even more confusing, 'cause people all have their special requests, like no special sauce. And that just throws shit off. The Whopper is so easy. It don't have shit on us.

--M11 bus


Asian girl, screaming into cell: I said, "Quiero Taco Bell!"

--33rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Kelsey


Foreign tourist to cabbie: How much to go to K...F...C?

--Broadway between 38th & 39th

Overheard by: Gregorio

Wednesday One-Liners Have Gender Trouble

Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too...You've met Carla...You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis.

--77th & 2nd

Overheard by: Joseph


Considerate guy: Hey, man, don't burst his bubble. If it ain't a man, it ain't a man.

--Outside 10th Precinct, W 20th St


Voice on intercom: Sir, that's the women's restroom. Sir...Sir...Stop!

--Times Square


Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs.

--F train


Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you're the prettiest man I've ever seen.

--Women's bathroom, Saloon, 83rd & York

Overheard by: Aaron


Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who's he supposed to be?

--Circle Line

Overheard by: emily


Young guy: ...so, technically, I'm lactating. Technically.

--Central Park

He Eats Some of Them While They're Still Alive

PETA activist: Excuse me, do you love animals?
Smart-Ass queer: Yes...They're delicious.
PETA activist: Murderer!!

--Columbus Circle

Overheard by: very entertained carnivore

If at First You Don't Succeed...

Halter-Top #1, screaming into cell: We're on 10th and One. One. One!
Halter-Top #2: Just tell him we're at 10th and one!
Halter-Top #1: One! [Pause] Oh, First? Is that what it's called?

--10th & 1st

Further Evidence of the Pretty-or-Smart Dichotomy

Attractive blonde: I'm going to have a cigarette.
Boyfriend: I thought you quit!
Blonde: I did, but I haven't had one in a really long time.
Boyfriend: Um, isn't that what quitting means?
Blonde: Whatever. I quit. I'm having one.

--44th & 9th

Overheard by: SecondHandSteve

He Sat Quietly as the Train Carried Him Deep Into the Earth

Woman: So the subway in Abu Dhabi is pretty convenient?
Man: Yeah, but the only thing I don't understand is how they can put a subway on an island.
Woman, after a long pause: Think about it.

--1 train, Christopher St

What If I Get a Long Identifying Number on My Forearm?

Guy: So you don't think neck tattoos are sexy?
Girl: No.
Guy: What do they make you think of?
Girl: Prison.
Guy: What if I get my name in Hebrew?
Girl: Jewish prison.

--10th & Ave B

Overheard by: Trying not to laugh

As Long as She Pronounces That Second 'R,' Everything Should Be Fine

Mother to two children: Okay, time to leave.
Little girl, trying to push her way through as her brother holds the door closed: Daaaaviiiiid!
Mother to black security guard: I guess that's just a brother for you.

Security guard looks uncomfortable.

Mother, quickly: I mean, that's just a brother's job, right?

--Bergdorf Goodman, 5th Ave

Overheard by: vivienne

If Wednesday One-Liners Can Make It Here, They Can Make It Anywhere

Chick: Nothing says New York like a wire frog.

--Battery Park


Lady who has loudly complained to the waiter about the poor service: It's people like that who give New York City a bad name.

--Lindy's, 7th Ave

Overheard by: joemikehap


Amateur anthropologist: Of course I have a snarky attitude! I'm a New Yorker; it's practically a requirement!

--F train

Overheard by: Braincurve


Tourist on cell: Yeah! I'm in New York! Yeah, it's kinda like New Orleans, except bigger and you can't drink in the streets.

--Grand Central


Man on bicycle: New York is about freedom! Suck a dick!

--Astor Place

Overheard by: Laura


Guy watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer: See, that's why I never leave New York. You never see crazy motherfuckers like that in New York...except for niggas on the train.

--Regal Cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Clitoris Rex


Little girl: There's a lot of people in this New York City!

--Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Think 'Un' Is Also a Kind of Faithful

Ghetto guy: She know she got a man, but she'll still gimme some. She know that!

--7 train


Young woman, screaming at young man: I dare you to fuck someone else again! I dare you!... You better not fuck anyone else! You better not!

--Hoyt-Schermerhorn station, Brooklyn


Queer on cell: Since when has your gaping hole decided to be faithful to your boyfriend?

--Union Square

Overheard by: Keith


Walking VD: When I first met you seven months ago I was kinda in another relationship. But now that that's over, wanna get back in bed?

--32nd & 7th


Cop: So I'm fucking his wife for 6 years, and now he complains!

--238th & Broadway

Overheard by: Miriam

When Publicists Get Into the Catnip

Mandy Moore: So, what's the plan for the party?
Publicist: So, I was thinking, you show up at the party, right? And they check your name or whatever, and then, get this, a clown escorts you to your table.
Mandy Moore: A clown?
Publicist: I know, right?

--Elevator, The Archive Building, Greenwich & Christopher

Don't We Own the Internet?

Wealthy tourist man, pointing at a Starbucks: That must be one of those internet cafés.

--28th & 3rd

Overheard by: Dustin

Which, Relatively Speaking, Is Free

Little girl: Are we going to Manhattan to the big shopping mall place?
Dad: You've spent enough money. We're going to Manhattan and riding in a cab!

--Amtrak to Penn Station

Overheard by: Erica

I Went With My Design Group

Law student #1: So where you going after the test?
Law student #2: I'm going to East Africa for 2 months. Last time I was there, they made me an honorary Maori tribesman.
Law student #1: Wow, you've gotta be the first gay, white honorary Maori tribesman ever.
Law student #2: Yeah, or at least one of the first 5.

--Bar exam line, Javits Center

Overheard by: AP

Starbucks: Where Six of One is Not a Half-Dozen of the Other

Employee: Ma'am, can I help you?
Woman: I'd like a half dozen of your chocolate chip cookies.
Employee: We only sell them, like, 1, 2, 3...
Woman to friend: Is she serious?
Friend: She'll take 6.

--Starbucks, Rockefeller Center Concourse

Like They're Afraid of a Crime Happening in a Primarily Black Neighborhood or Something

Black teen hipster #1: Why are there so many white people on the 2 train this late at night?
Black teen hipster #2: Please. All these white people are getting off at 96th Street.

Train stops at 96th. The white people leave the train.

Black Teen Hipster #2: Watch 'em all scamper away!

--2 train