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The People Who Brought You the Annual "Going Out of Business" Sale
20-something girl: So, I guess we are now officially corporate hos.
30-something man: Yeah, so now you have to learn to play tennis.
Girl passerby: What does that have to do with anything?
20-something girl: Then we can be corporate hos and tennis pros -- duh.
30-something man: We should do commercials... Why don't we work for an ad agency?!
--59th & Lex
And That I Took Those Two Hits of Acid Earlier
Older woman: What's the time, dear?
Teen girl: Two o'clock.
Old woman: Are you sure? It looks dark outside.
Teen girl, annoyed: Yes, I'm sure.
Man, overhearing: Actually, I think it's seven P.M.
Teen girl: Oh, right. I forgot we set the clocks back this weekend.
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: Arun
She Won That Parcheesi Game Fair and Square
Little boy: She's just a freakin' cheater. That's all!
Old lady: Don't call your mother that.
--79th & 2nd
Hardly. I Studied with the Bejing Opera
Black chick: What kind of soup do you got?
Chinese deli guy: Uhhh, we got some chicken noodle soup.
Black chick: Oh, just chicken noodle soup?
Chinese deli guy, singing and dancing: With a soda on the side! [Black chick glares at him in silence.] Uhhh, yeah, that's all.
Black chick: That's fuckin' ign'ant, man.
--106th & 2nd
Or Is It a Laboratory Poodle?
Bimbette #1: Chris got a lab-a-doodle.
Bimbette #2: What's that?
Bimbette #1: It's a cross between a Labrador and a doodle.
--Lexington Ave, between 61st & 62nd St
Overheard by: The New York Crank
I Got Yer Rhapsody In Blue Right Here!
Tourista #1, about street sign with large bend in middle: Why does the Gershwin Way sign have a curve in it like that?
Tourista #2: I think it's to symbolize Gershwin's music.
New Yorker passerby: A truck backed into it, ya stupid bitches.
--NW corner, E 50 St & Broadway
Overheard by: Big Larry
At Least He's Not Promiscuous, Like the Catechism Kids
Little boy leaving temple: Schmuck, schmuck, schmuck!
Mother: Kyle!
Little boy: What? It's a new word I learned in Jew school today!
Mother: Hebrew school!
Little boy, in a whisper: Schmuck...
--87th & Madison
Yup, in His Side Pocket
Hipster chick: ... And then the cops came in and busted him for cocaine possession.
Old mom: Oh, goodness.
Hipster chick: Yeah, he totally didn't have that much.
Old mom: Did he have an eight-ball?
--66th & Park
Overheard by: ashley
Shouldn't Have Laughed So Hard at the Poor People
JAP halting mid-stride: Wait a sec... Why are my pants wet?!
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: my boyfriend is a grizzly bear
Headline by: John
Runners-Up:
· "And Who Dropped That Baby?" - trade800
· "Bob the Urinating Hobo Ninja Strikes Again" - Darryl S.
· "Did A Bag Of Money Just Walk By?" - Jolly
· "The Joys Of Unknown Pregnancy Coming Full Term" - The Lazy Canadian
· "This Eventually Happens to Every New Yorker" - Dagre
· "Was Too Busy Shopping to Be Toilet Trained" - G
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Still Taking Adolessons
Bimbette #1: I don't want to grow up. The real world is scary.
Bimbette #2: Yeah... Puberty sucks.
Bimbette #1: Ummm, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure puberty is done when you're, like, fifteen. We're 18 now...
Bimbette #2: Oh. Well, maybe I'm a late bloomer.
--UES
Overheard by: Allie
And Get Stuffed and Mounted
Guy: So, what do you want to do?
Drunk girl: I'm really good with numbers, so maybe something like that?
Guy: You mean, like, accounting?
Drunk girl: Yeah. I want to be a taxidermist.
--In front of Subway Inn, 60th & Lex
And You're Trick-or-Treating for This Week's Groceries, My Friend
Four-year-old boy: I'm tired.
Serious mom: You can't be tired. It's Halloween.
--95th & 3rd
Overheard by: acep
If Roman Emperors Were in Charge of Detention
Student, looking at clock: It's time to go, Mr. T.
Teacher, slowly and loudly: It's time for you to die.
--E 68th St
... More Than Any of the Other Nuns
Stoner: She did coke, like, six times last week and was bleeding out of her nose.
Black girl: Ahhh, I love her.
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: yoni
How Danny Got Put in the Trunk
Mom: Danny, what did you put in the trunk?
Seven-year-old boy: Don't you mean, 'Whom did you put in the trunk'?
--116th & Lex
It Would Be Easiest to Reach If You Bought Me a Pony
Mom: ... So you can go to nirvana?
12-year-old girl, rolling her eyes: Nirvana isn't a place, Mom, it's a state of mind...
--79th & 2nd
Overheard by: Amused nanny
I Wouldn't Mind Giving Her a Shot of Syllogism Myself
Dude #1: Dude, that girl is looking at you like a fat girl looks at cake.
Dude #2: She is a fat girl.
Dude #1: Fine. She is looking at you like you are cake.
--UES
The Unkindest Cunt of All
Girl #1: Jenny said she wants to have kids.
Girl #2: With that vagina? How does she expect to pop them out?
Girl #1: I know, right? She said she's been to five gynos in the last week.
Girl #2: Lord have mercy on those children -- their mama's vagina is nasty.
--73rd & 2nd
Lolly Launches Scuds at the Slightest Provocation
13-year-old WASP girl #1: Hey.
13-year-old WASP girl #2: You're a fucking bitch. I hope you burn in hell.
--85th & 1st
Overheard by: Rob
The Rest of That Church Service Was Incredibly Awkward
Smoker girl: We should do a wine power-hour tonight.
Friend: A wine power-hour is a bad idea. I lost my virginity after a wine power-ten minutes.
--83rd & 1st
Overheard by: M.J.
Have You Learned Nothing from My Teachings?
Mom: Don't kick that box! It could have a bomb in it!
Four-year-old boy: Oh, great, Mom. Something else to worry about.
--58th & 2nd
Overheard by: Ethan
You Think They're Your Friends? That's So Cute.
Jogger girl #1: We should go out tonight to this cool new bar I heard of.
Jogger girl #2: Okay, where is it?
Jogger girl #1: Somewhere in the Fla-teer-on District.
Jogger girl #2: ... You mean the Flatiron District?
Jogger girl #1: Oh my god, I'm such an idiot. I've been telling all my friends at work about it -- why haven't they corrected me?
--88th & York
Overheard by: Moderately amused
Perhaps It's Time to Stop Breast-Feeding You?
11-year-old boy smiling mischievously: Mom, I've been desiring a lot lately.
Frazzled UES mom: Would you please stop doing that?
--80th & York
Overheard by: Nicole
I Used to Have 102 of You, You Know.
Woman with dalmatian, stuck on island mid-crossing: We don't want to get killed on Park Avenue! We need to go to Fifth Avenue!
Dalmatian: [Silent.]
Woman: Fifth Avenue only!
--92nd & Park
Yeah, You Don't Want to Sound Retarded
Bimbette #1: I got the hottest shoes. They're like Burberry, but cuter, with sexy heels. Zimbabwe likes them.
Bimbette #2: His name is Zimbabwe?
Bimbette #1: Well, no one can pronounce it. It starts with a 'K,' but I think it sounds retarded, so I'd rather call him Zimbabwe.
--66th & 3rd
So Run If You See a VW Beetle
Hardhat #1 with pavement-smoothing machine: It won't start.
Hardhat #2: I tell ya, if it's got tits or wheels, it's gonna give ya problems.
--75th & 3rd
Overheard by: Mo
All Hat and No Cattle, As It Were
Old lady: I tell you, if you've seen one naked cowboy, you've seen them all!
Friend: Oh!
--87th & Park
Finding Affordable Housing in New York? Really?
Girl, dejected: You know, it's just so hard to do right now.
Sympathetic guy: Yeah, yeah... Plus, it's a felony.
--66th & York
Overheard by: Dave C
Isn't He Too Busy Trying to Harpoon Kirstie Alley?
Stoner #1: We're married now.
Hoochie: We are?
Stoner #1: Yeah. We just met a sea captain, and he married us.
Stoner #2: Oh, Ahab?
--89th & York
Hillary Knows How To Host a Re-election Party
Girl #1: Remember at that party when that stripper picked up a dollar bill with her pussy lips?
Girl #2: Ohhh, yeah -- that wasn't a stripper. That was a full-on whore.
--77th & 1st
Overheard by: mjg
Headline by: clink
Runners-Up:
· "... and It Wasn't a Dollar Bill. That Was a Full-on Penis" - Caro
· "America DOES Have Talent" - Staci Lynn
· "Because I Saw That Thing Give Change" - nicky c.
· "But We Call Her Aunt Gladys" - Mark Paul
· "I Was Just Shocked She Did It through Her Jeans." - SAtCW
· "Kind Of Like the Difference Between Maury Povich and Springer" - alana landa
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
That's a Television, Mr. President.
Man sitting outside building: Hey, Angelo! You know why I sit over here?
Bored doorman: Why?
Man: You can see those midgets straight through there gettin' in and out of that box! They do things you wouldn't believe! Outfits and everything!
--77th St, between Lex & 3rd Ave
Headline by: nick
Runners-Up:
· "Count Me In!" - Lalaith
· "And with a Little Peanut Butter, You Can Get Them to Lick You anywhere." - Jeff P
· "Dude, That's a Fucking Playground" - s h
· "Like Babies but Cuter!" - Tellulah
· "Otis Gets Cable" - D. Kareem
· "That Box? Lindsay Lohan." - sweetchuck
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Kinda Like How Standing Next to You Makes Me Feel Thin
Biotech: Like, the only reason I like living in Brooklyn is because everyone's a mess, so it makes me so feel normal, you know?
Friend: Yeah.
--E 77th, between 2nd & 3rd
Oh, Oh -- Stand Back!
Young woman: I drink a tea for that.
Middle-aged yenta: Does it make you poop? I should drink some of that.
Young woman: You couldn't handle it.
Middle-aged yenta: Is it that bad?
Young woman: No, you just don't know when to expect it. It could come at any time.
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: Heather
It's Been Good Not Talking to You
Guy: You know it was just like...
Girl: Yeah...
--88th & 2nd
Oh, You Know It?
Frat boy #1: Dude, you got really skinny. What's going on with you? Are you sick or something?
Frat boy #2: Yeah, bro, I have IBS -- Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Frat boy #1: You shittin' me!
--91st & 1st
Overheard by: AZS
Kevin Ends Up in Juvie with a Black Eye
10-year-old boy #1: So, I'll beat up the boys, and you beat up the girls.
10-year-old boy #2: Yeah! I love hitting girls!
--78th & 4th, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Becka
Like a Tarantula Clinging to a Strawberry
Seventh grader #1: When you get a Brazilian wax they wax in your butt, too!
Seventh grader #2: I don't think I have hair in my butt.
Seventh grader #3: Actually, one time in sixth grade you bent over and I saw it.
--Locker room, Asphalt Green, 90th & York
So I Lured Him into the Sauna and Locked Him in with a Store Mannequin
Hoochie #1: He was so drunk he just pushed my legs together and started humping them.
Hoochie #2: How did that work? Wasn't it dry?
Hoochie #1: He was sweating so much it acted like lube!
--86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Peter
Frankly, She's My Role Model
Columbia girl #1: His parents invited me out to Greenwich this weekend, so I took time off from my internship and was all ready to go...
Columbia girl #2: You're not going to go?
Columbia girl #1: Well, no. You know that rash I had on my right boob? It's back.
Columbia girl #2: No way!
Columbia girl #1: Seriously. You're not getting that thing near a bikini with my future mother-in-law anywhere nearby. She sniffs stuff like that out in no time. Like a bloodhound.
--E 74th St & Park
How Jason Ended Up Making Out with Two Girls
Drunk girl to couple making out: Whoa, get a room!
Boy, looking up and recognizing drunk girl: Hey! Wow! How have you been?
Drunk girl: Oh my god... And all this time I thought you were gay.
--59th & Lex
Scene from The Devil Wears Prada, Director's Cut
20-ish WASP in fur coat on cell: Don't you have a bowl? [Sigh] Do you have a bottle of tonic or, like, an apple or a traffic cone? Well, I'm sure there is something in your apartment I can make a bong out of.
80-ish Jewish woman: That's an inappropriate conversation if I ever heard one...
20-ish WASP in fur coat: Whatever, that was my boss.
--Elevator, 62nd & 2nd
But It's Only a Matter of Time before We Put a Cross on the Moon
Middle-aged lady: Wait -- isn't there supposed to be a separation between church and space?
Young lady: No! Well, yes...
--87th & Lex
Overheard by: hbomb
Sorry, We Can't Allow That
JAP #1: When I grow up I want to be purple.
JAP #2: What? I'm putting that on Facebook!
JAP #1: Why? I was just talking to myself... Fuck, I was talking to myself.
--82nd & Lex
You'll Like Rich; You Won't Like Lazy
UES girl, after passing dog walker: Mommy, that man has a lot of dogs!
UES mom: Yes, he does, because he walks them for other people.
UES girl: Why?
UES mom: Because people who live here are too lazy and rich to do it themselves, honey.
UES girl: Oh... Mommy, can I be lazy and rich someday?
UES mom: Of course, honey.
--E 70th & Park
That's "How We Throw an Unforgettable Bridal Shower"
Mother: And how do you stop the smoke from going through the crack under the door? Put... a... wet...
Toddler girl: Firefighter?
--77th & 1st
Should've Kept a Lock on Those Adoption Records, Mommy
Lady pushing stroller, after Puerto Rican Day parade: No, you are not Puerto Rican.
Four-year-old daughter, with flag painted on her face: Yes, I am!
--71st & 2nd
Overheard by: Yann
I Bought Last Time!
Girl: Don't you feel bad?
Guy: About what?
Girl: For one, you're in your girlfriend's jeans, her jacket, her flats, and her fucking pearls. And second...
Guy: And second what?
Girl: You got fucked by three different guys in the two days she's been out of town.
Guy: If I suck so much, why the fuck are we friends?
Girl: 'Cause when she is out of town, I have my own little gay Barbie doll and fashion expert all in one. And it's your turn to buy the manicures.
--72nd & 1st
Overheard by: Julie
Think That's Her Real Number?
Pudgy guy: I got her number.
Female friend: Oh, you did?! Wow, you must have been charming.
Pudgy guy: I know!
Female friend: I wouldn't give you my number.
Pudgy guy: Oh, I know... The alcohol helped.
--89th & 3rd
Maureen Makes the Transition to Casual Celibacy
Young girl #1: The guy hasn't called me in, like, a week...
Young girl #2: His loss.
Young girl #1: But I didn't even get to hook up with him!
--86th & 2nd
Overheard by: MattyG
From Hemingway's Unpublished "Big Two-Headed Dildo"
Thug #1: Yo, what are you doing walking behind me?
Thug #2: I don't know.
Thug #1: Yo, what are you doing? Nobody walks behind me... Unless it's my girl... with a dildo.
--78th & 2nd
Overheard by: MLM
No Worries -- Granny's a Professional
Girl #1: My grandma is coming into the city Saturday to bleach my cat.
Girl #2: Bleach your cat?
Girl #1: Yeah, he got into the flowers and the pollen turned him canary yellow.
Girl #2: Bleach your cat?
Girl #1: Well, it didn't come off in the bath...
--82nd & Madison
It's Time You Accepted That He's Gone
Hipster girl: Let's just go to the arcade with them.
JAP: I'd rather make out with Hitler.
--85th & Park
I Need to Get Me Some of That Time-Travel Pussy
Grocery stock boy #1: Man, I need to get me some foreign pussy. Out of town, out of state, out of country -- shit, I just want to see what it's like.
Grocery stock boy #2: Word.
--E 79th & York
Overheard by: PBT
NewsFlash: New Jersey Builds Immigration Wall
Yuppie on cell cutting long line, to cashier: I'd like to buy some cookies.
Cashier: Um, the line starts back there, sir.
Yuppie, into cell: I hate the fucking East Side. Everyone thinks they're hot shit. I can't figure out this fucking line -- all I want to do is buy some fucking cookies... New Jersey is my destiny.
--Bakery, 70th & Lex
Very Good -- Would You Like an Animal Cracker?
Hot mom to kid while walking past construction site: That's called rebar. Can you say 'rebar'?
Hardhat: Rebar!
--86th & 3rd
Overheard by: hbomb
The Bible
Old lady: ... And he was so fed up with this other guy that he killed him.
Old man: Oh.
Passerby, shocked: You're talking about a movie, right?
Old lady, confused: No.
--83rd & 1st
Overheard by: Wants the book rights first
Pure Goyish Goodness
Father: You dip it in pork?
Son: I dip it in pork.
--87th & 1st
Overheard by: Beeeej
Stop Enhancing My Childhood!
Mother: ... And then we can go to Barnes and Noble's and share some books.
Kid: Nooo!
Mother: Books are fun--
Kid, weeping: --No, they're not!
--E 82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: emily
I'll Own, You'll Rent
Little boy: Okay, so we're gonna both have boobies!
Little girl: No...
--82nd & Park
Ferlinghetti: Eh, I've Made Worse Rhymes
Coworker chick #1: You ready, spaghetti?
Coworker chick #2: [Silence.]
Coworker chick #1: Well?!
Coworker chick #2: Wait, I'm thinking.
Coworker chick #1: Oh, okay.
Coworker chick #2: Like Lawrence Ferlinghetti!
--84th & 3rd
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Keeps Failing the Entrance Exam
Woman: She worked in a lesbian bar... She is not a lesbian.
Man: Well, she should be a lesbian.
Woman: Yes, exactly.
--87th & Lex
And Finding Ways to Make Them Taste Like Meat
Girl: We vegetarians love the environment. Carnivores are sick freaks.
Male passerby: How can vegetarians love the environment? You keep eating all the plants!
--93rd & Lex
Overheard by: Carnivore
Because Sharper Image Has a Really Cool Hands-Free Device for That
Suit #1: What hour do you get into the office?
Suit #2: I arrive around seven and leave at six-thirty.
Suit #1: So, you work twelve-hour days? Do you ever sit at your desk and just fondle your balls?
--Italian restaurant, UES
These Company Retreats Are Getting Weirder and Weirder
Jogging yuppie #1: Yeah, and then we went climbing up a cliff.
Jogging yuppie #2: Naked?
--69th & Park
Meet the Inventor of the Belinda Displeasure Scale
Little girl: If the teacher said if something was really, really good, would that make you really happy?
Mother: Yes.
Little girl: If the teacher said if something was good, would that make you happy?
Mother: Yes.
Little girl: If the teacher said something was sorta good, would that make you so-so?
Mother: Yes.
Little girl: If the teacher said something was bad, would that make you mad?
Mother: Yes.
Little girl: If the teacher said something was really bad, would that make you really mad?
Mother: It would make me sick!
--97th & 3rd
Overheard by: squid
Shut Up and Bail
Girl: Oh my god, it's coming out of me!
Guy: What, your blood, or my cum?
--81st & Columbus
They Got the Dental Records? Seriously?
Idiot #1: ... And that's why they call him Ted Kaczynski, because he bit her on the ass.
Idiot #2: Really?
Idiot #1: Yeah, they got the dental records and everything. He totally bit her on the ass, and there were bite marks. That's why they call him Ted Kaczynski.
--61st & 10th
How the Projects Got Gentrified
Yuppie girl: Sometimes I feel like it would be fun to live in the projects.
Yuppie guy: Uh, why?
Yuppie girl: Everybody knows each other -- it's like summer camp.
Yuppie guy: But they shoot each other.
Yuppie girl: Yeah -- summer camp, but with guns.
--99th & 3rd
Overheard by: Dan
Then Pay Me a Dollar Not to Clean It
Hobo: Hey, can I clean the snow off your car for a dollar?
Girl cleaning car: Ummm, no way.
Hobo: Even when it's cold white people are assholes.
Girl cleaning car, to passerby: I don't want his smelly ass touching my baby.
--115th St & Frederick Douglass Blvd
Overheard by: Paula
Wow, You Really Have a Point
Old lady: What did you just say?
Three-year-old: [Inaudible mumbling.]
Old lady: Don't curse, goddammit! You sound like a fucking ass!
--110th & Madison
God's a Little Harder to See, but I'd Try
UES mom #1: We're going to Italy in August. You've taken your kids there, haven't you? What are some things the kids would like?
UES mom #2: Well, there's a lot to do in Rome, but one thing -- it's expensive, but worth it -- you should go meet the pope.
--92nd & Madison
Even If She Lives
20-something girl: You know, it's just not in Donna... It's just not in her hema-... hema-... What's it called? It's just not in her hematoma to be cool.
Friend: Totally! I know! No matter how she cuts her hair at any age she'll just never look good.
--86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Abby
The Penthouse Belongs to His Brother Who Bought into the Lie
Little nephew: The kids who celebrate Kwanzaa at my school said that Santa Claus doesn't exist.
Drunk uncle: You should tell them that the myth of a college education and a prosperous life that they belief in are an even bigger lie!
--Penthouse, Park Ave
That Way, Meryl Will Be a Lock after Oprah's Two Terms
Girl #1: The Devil Wears Prada is like, the best movie ever made.
Girl #2: Oh, totally. Meryl Streep's character was fabulous in that!
Girl #1: Dude, Meryl Streep should run for President. No, wait. Oprah should run for President, and Meryl Streep should be Vice President.
--86th & Lex
I Expect Steady Progress Toward Quiet Desperation
Seven-year-old: I want to take a year off.
Dad: You are not taking a year off.
Seven-year-old: But I want to party.
Dad: You cannot take a year off to party!
--83rd & Park
Eh, He Saw It in the Rack by the Register While He Was Waiting in Line
Woman #1: Oh, and he bought a cow.
Woman #2: He bought a cow?!
Woman #1: He just went off and bought a cow!
Woman #2: Huh... What he need a cow for?
--110th & Lenox
This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Woman #1: Whose urine is this in the kitchen?
Woman #2: What urine?
Woman #1: The urine in front of the microwave.
Woman #2: That's not where the urine goes.
--Office, UES
Alternate Side of the Street Parking Is at the Top of the List
Woman: Have a good new year.
Crazy old lady: What? When's that?
Woman: Tomorrow.
Crazy old lady: You earthlings have the strangest ideas.
--Dog park, E 86th St
Where Rosie Perez Was a Joy Forever
Woman looking at designer sunglasses in store window: A thing of beauty is a joy forever.
Man in pea coat: My man John Keats said that. John Keats, that's my man.
Woman: Where do you know that Keats line from?
Man in pea coat: White Men Can't Jump.
--87th & 3rd
Overheard by: Geez
I Still Can't Take Her for 18 Hours
Guy: No, I don't wanna see that bitch again.
Girl: Oh, it's not that bad. It's like... You have your arm around me, and you're wearing a bra.
--E 93rd St & Lex
Overheard by: Kerri
Which I Will Never Be Able to Forget
Black lady #1: So, I was talking to my man, and I was like, 'I don't want no balls in my face like you don't need no titties in yo's!'
Black lady #2: I did not need to hear that shit.
--106th & Park
I'm Just a Poor Sport, I Guess
Suit #1: I don't know why you only take pictures of dead golfers.
Suit #2: Haha... I know.
--E 64th St & Park
Oh -- We Are So Moving to Connecticut!
Little girl after dropping lollipop: Shit!
Mother: Madison!
Little girl: What? It's not like I said 'fuck'!
--Dylan's Candy Bar
Whosoever Can Pull This Dildo from This Ass...
Chick: Oh my god, I feel so sore. Next time can you not use the bigger dildo?
Dude: I can try, but I can't give you any guarantees.
--68th & Lex
Overheard by: Amo
Winning Through Intimidation Opened Her Heart to God's Love
Teen girl #1: So, what book are you looking for?
Teen girl #2: Well, whenever I get stoned I get paranoid that I'm getting dumber, so last time I got high I came here and read a giant stack of philosophy books, and I really liked one of them.
--Barnes & Noble, 82nd St
Overheard by: It's not paranoia...
You Need to Work on Your Technique
Jewish guy: Fat Jewish girls love Tasti D-Lite.
Jewish girl: So do Jewish guys.
Jewish guy: That's because I'm trying to find a wife.
--3rd St & 92nd Ave
Presenting 2007's Least-Reassuring Reassurance
Hobo: Yo, can I get a cigarette? [Girl hands him one.] Can I get a light? Don't worry, I'm not going to mug you -- it's too cold for that shit.
--90th & 1st
'Hi, I'm Probably Having Sex -- Leave Me a Message.'
Girl #1: She isn't picking up her phone.
Girl #2: Oh, she's probably having sex.
Girl #1: Oh, yeah, you're probably right.
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: Trapped in Laguna
NewsFlash: More Little Boys Can Locate the G-Spot Than Can Locate Maryland on a Map
Little boy: Sometimes I get confused. Daddy does it like this.
Mom: It's not about the motion. See, look at my finger...
--89th & Park
Overheard by: MojoSaves
Ma'am, Please Don't Nurse the Seals
Chubby girl: I just went to the zoo!
Homely friend: Without me?
Chubby girl: I saw the seals! They looked like our offspring!
--Tasti D-Lite, 3rd Ave, UES
Overheard by: alexandra
Depends on Whether I Get Everything Back
20-something girl singing: Put your cock and balls in my mouth... La-la-la.
Boyfriend: What?
20-something girl: I just think it would be fun.
--66th & 3rd
Overheard by: I wish
Okay, Like Some Horrible Hybrid
Chick #1: Jessica, I'm not kidding, he looked like a beaver!
Chick #2: Christine, that's vulgar!
Chick #1: No, but seriously -- like a chipmunk!
Chick #2: But why wouldn't you say 'chipmunk' instead?
Chick #1: Because he seriously looked like a real beaver!
--77th & Madison
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Fluffer
Queer arguing with boyfriend: I'm just saying, I think it's weird you shaved your balls and bought porn the one night that I was out of town.
--Outside Bergdorf's, 5th Ave
Creepster on cell: Yeah, I wanted to tell you that I have that girl ready... The one for the video... You can't hear me? I'm on a bus, not an airplane! It's not like I have a cigar in my mouth or anything, and you're telling me you can't understand what I'm saying... Yes, I have her ready for the video... The girl! ... About twenty minutes... Do you have Viagra in your house? Well go get some! You need Viagra so you can be hard for our movie!
--M4 bus
Overheard by: Hoping the 3rd grader next to me wasn't paying attention
Queer on cell: I saw the most fucked-up porno the other day. This guy took his boot off, then smacked this other guy in the face with it, then came all over the table, and then made the other guy lick it up... Oddly enough, I was turned on by it. So, if you ever want to smack me with your boot, give me a call.
--23rd St & 8th Ave
Man sprinting up subway stairs: Hey, man, where peep shows at?
--33rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Brian
20-something chick: He says we'll all be sleeping in a farm house with a pornographer at her wedding.
--Dallas BBQ, Upper East Side
Overheard by: Nipples
It's a Field Waiting for a Go-Getter Like Her
Chick #1: I think I would be a good homeless person. I would definitely be able to do it!
Chick #2: How? What the hell do you mean?
Chick #1: I can fall asleep anywhere now, and I could live off of beans and water... What? I could.
--175 Water St
Overheard by: Raquel
You Mean She Was Eyeballing You?
Girl #1: It's so obvious she's into you.
Girl #2: I know, I gotta tell her I'm not into girls. Last time I was there, she practically raped me with her eyes.
--86th & Lex
Didn't Scientists Decide He Was Too Small to Be Considered a Philosopher?
Drunk chick: Let me tell you a quote from Pluto.
Drunk dude: From Pluto?
Drunk chick: Yes.
Drunk dude: Mickey Mouse's dog?
Drunk chick: The Greek philosopher!
Drunk dude: That's Plato!
--Bar, 3rd Ave & 63rd St
Overheard by: All2Often
Wednesday One-Liners Wear Their Rubbers
Girl: Those weather websites are so unreliable. They all say different things. The other day, I went to one, and it was like, 'Partly sunny.' Okay. Then I went to another, and it was like, 'Party cloudy.' They're all different.
--NYU residence hall, Lafayette St
Overheard by: Rusty V
Guy selling umbrellas: Acid rain in the forecast today. Acid rain all day. Get your umbrellas!
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: Wondering what the umbrellas were made out of
Girl: The rain is the tears of Republicans.
--Hamilton Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: alex
High school chick on cell: The glaciers are gonna melt and the sea is gonna rise, and then you best hope it doesn't rain... I don't know, I haven't read that far yet.
--Spring St
Overheard by: Dan
Suit on cell: It's raining like a whore!
--Penn Station
Now Hurry Up and Cum So I Can Take a Shower
Thug: You a fat slut!
Thugette: I ain't fat, nigga!
--86th & Lex
Or a Dead Hooker's Gas?
Woman #1: So I had to go over there because his super called to say there was an odor coming out of his apartment.
Woman #2: What kind of odor? Gas or dead hooker?
--89th & 2nd
Overheard by: Tangerine
But I'm Baked and I Still Weigh the Same
Bimbo #1 picking up box of baking soda: I didn't know soda was baked...
Bimbo #2: Thank god it's not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would be?!
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: Walford geog
Clearest Explanation of Scientology To-Date
Girl on cell: It would be like if you made a robot with the sole purpose of killing someone you didn't like. It wouldn't be the robot's fault that it killed the person, it would be your fault, because you built the robot. Unless, of course, somehow the robot had a mind of its own.
--63rd & Lex
Overheard by: Zglass
That's It -- a Bicycle!
Teen girl #1: Is it weird that I'm usually more horny when I'm on my period?
Teen girl #2: No. I am, too.
Teen girl #1: I mean, it's really icky to masturbate, though, because blood and shit gets everywhere.
Woman on bicycle right behind them, trying to get past: Um, excuse me.
--Park Ave
They Left the Scouts Under the Table
Old lady # 1, crossing the street: Will you help me?
Old lady # 2: Yeah, yeah -- I'll help you.
Old lady # 1: I am very drunk.
Old lady # 2: Yeah, I drank a lot, too.
--78th & York
Overheard by: I hope I'm still getting drunk when I'm that old
That and Watch a Lot of Daytime TV
Girl #1: Oh my god! I haven't seen you in ages!
Girl #2: I know, it's been a while -- you look great!
Girl #1: You do, too! Your hair has grown a lot since I last saw you.
Girl #2: I know what you mean -- it's all it does.
--E 86th St and Lex
Overheard by: Lisa
Another Round of Wednesday One-Liners
Woman: She brought a bottle of vodka on the plane with her. She was doing shots the whole flight.
--Central Park
Overheard by: sarah
Conductor: The next stop is Cherry Hill, but for the men singing, it was alcohol.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Date Rape
Smooth operator: Don't worry, I thought you were pretty before I got drunk.
--Subway
Party girl: Yeah, so I did like 10 shots and woke up the next day wearing only one shoe and a sombrero.
--51st St & Broadway
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have spent all my money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs... But now, I have learned my lesson. I want to spend all your money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs... and viagra...
--Union Square, uptown 6 train
Guy: Dude, I can't get that drunk. I am trying to fuck that girl tonight.
--Outside Columbia dorm
Bimbette: Oh my god, it was a terrorist act! I'm going to the wine bar.
--68th St & York
My Advice: Cut Holes in Your Shirt
Hot girl: I mean, dudes are going to be staring at you anyway, but if your nipples are poking through your shirt then it's just all over.
Nerdy Guy: Wow... Yeah!
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: rad dude
Why Whitey Doesn't Let Blacks Own Cordage Firms
Ghetto chick: We gotta take down the white man, one at a time.Like that one!
Ghetto guy: I don't know. He's mad tall.
Ghetto chick: You right, you right. We'd need mad rope.
--2nd Ave & 67th St
...But Not Really
Girl: When I look back on my life, I'm not going to think about trips I went on or relationships I had, I'll be thinking about television programs I watched.
Guy: That's horrible!
Girl: Well I was only kidding!
--86th and Lex
But When You Flagellate? Whew!--Better Light a Match.
Teen girl: That is not correct use of that word.
Teen Boy: Yes it is!
Teen Girl: You don't emit a noxious odor when you 'bifurcate'!
--68th and 3rd
Wednesday One-Liners in Whiteface
Extremely large guy: Yo, I'm scared of clowns for reeeaaal.
--Court & Montague, Brooklyn
Mother to young child, after ghetto girl passes: No, honey, she's not a clown. She just likes to dress that way.
--95th & Madison
Overheard by: Don Ricardo
Mother, watching a clown holding a briefcase walk onto the train: [to child] Look, honey, it's a funny clown!... [to husband] Do you think he has a bomb in that briefcase?
--F train
Overheard by: and then i burst out laughing.
Wednesday One-Liners Failed Third Grade, Just Like Einstein
Queer: Fuck you! I'm a smart gay!
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Keesha Brown
Accidental ironist: Yeah, obviously he has no sense of smartness.
--68th & Lex
Overheard by: Casti
Hipster guy: I erased two years of my life with drugs. Two solid years! But I'm too smart to erase more than that.
--Chinatown bus
Girl on cell: They said that I'm smart, and that I can articulate well. But I'm not... you know... Oh, whatever.
--Queensboro Community College
Overheard by: LizDayglow
Tween boy to dad: I'm looking for a girl who's younger and smarter.
--71st & West End
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Think We Should Tell Her What I Got Pierced?
Woman #1: Rhoda! Did you see Chrissie's tattoo?
Woman #2: Oh no!
Woman #1: And here.
Woman #2 to teen: Are you crazy? Do you know what that shit is going to look like when you get pregnant and it stretches all out and hangs there? I ought to kick you both down these steps throwing good money away.
--Met Steps
Overheard by: Blondie
Coaching Children is Like Herding Cats
Soccer coach: You have to kick from your shoelaces.
Girl #1: I don't have any laces!
Girl #2 with mismatched shoes: Do you like my shoes?
--P.S. 158, 77th & York
Overheard by: Jen
Does the Dog Ride the Short Bus to Obedience School?
Girl: How is a dog like a hairy retard?
Guy: How is a dog not like a hairy retard?
--92nd between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: B
You Can Fake the Attitude, Even the Look, But In the End, Either You Have a Horizontal Vagina or You Don't
Dude #1: She's just got this, y'know, Asian air about her.
Dude #2: Yeah?
Dude #1: She's got this, like, totally anime look.
Dude #2: Yeah?
Dude #1: Yeah, but I wish she were really Asian.
--88th & 1st
Overheard by: Beeeej
And You Say the States Aren't All Different Colors?
Blonde: So you mean Alaska's not an island right above Hawaii?
Brunette: How did you graduate college, again?
Blonde: Well, I wasn't a geography major. Gosh!
--96th & Madison
Overheard by: amused
A Close Brush With Inadvertant Homosexuality
Guy #1: Oh, yeah, I've been making money writing porn stories for years.
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: Yeah, I write with a female pen name.
Guy #2: That's kind of weird.
Guy #1: Yeah, my pen name is --
Guy #2: OH! Don't tell me, man!
Guy #1: Whuh?
Guy #2: I may have jerked off to it.
--Starbucks, 74th & 3rd
Overheard by: Naked Lunch
I Figure if I Wait a Decade or So, I Can Tell My Kids I Invented 'D'oh!'
Kid #1: DY-NO-MITE!
Kid #2: DY-NO-MITE!
Kid #1: DY-NO-MITE!
Kid #2: That's funny. What's that from?
Kid #1: My dad made it up. DY-NO-MITE!
--103rd & Lex
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
The Search for Meaning Is Making Me Tired
Chick: Do you ever wonder if we'll get tired of being so rich? You know, like what if later in life we randomly, like, decide to renounce our possessions or something drastic and move to Africa?
Man: What, are you saying you don't enjoy our lifestyle anymore?
Chick: I don't know... hey, do you wanna get some coke later?
--82nd & 1st
Overheard by: chuzzle in space
Astonishingly, This Didn't Work When He Asked His Wife to Do Anal
Little girl: Daddy! Why can't I try? Why can't I ride it?
Dad, on mini-bike: Because I'm God, and God says so.
--72nd & 5th
Overheard by: better off agnostic
The Relationship Between Cause and Effect Is Tricky to Pin Down
Rich girl #1: It was so ANNOYING! I mean, boom, eighty bucks!
Rich girl #2: I hate losing money! Where were you?
Rich girl #1: Shopping.
Rich girl #2: I hate when that happens.
--Starbucks, 59th & Columbus
What's More, He Has a Job He Has to Show Up at Almost Every Other Tuesday
Guy #1: Yeah, I got a lot of responsibilities being a single dad. I got three kids... I have a lot of responsibilities taking care of them. I see them every three weeks in Buffalo.
Guy #2: Yeah.
--63rd & 1st
Overheard by: Mr. Rictus
No, We're Just Going to McDonalds
Old woman inside apartment: You gotta come here and look at this!
Old man: Do I gotta put my pants on to come see it?
--80th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jo
Open-Ended Questions Aren't So Good When There's Only One Answer, Brittney
Chick #1: You know what today is a perfect day for?
Chick #2: Shopping?
Chick #1: No. Gaelic football!
--87th & 2nd
Ladies and Gentlemen: The Only Two People in New York with Insurance
Scaffolding: [loud boom]
Girl: Holy shit.
Construction worker #1: Hey, it's OK, don't worry.
Construction worker #2: Yeah, we have insurance!
--81st & 2nd
Overheard by: another girl about to walk under the death tr
One of Those 'It's Funny Because It's True' Situations
Chick #1: Yeah, she totally called her a slut.
Chick #2: No way! Wow!
Chick #1: Yeah, she did.
Chick #2: Wow, that's rough... well, actually, she is kind of a slut. I guess it's not really an insult if it's true.
--Sarabeth's Restaurant, 92nd & Madison
Overheard by: Dan
Sir Mix-a-Lot Likes Wednesday One-Liners (And He Cannot Lie)
Museum patron: Tell me the story again about what happened to my bottom?
--Cafeteria, the Met
Woman to misbehaving child: Jamillah Fatima! Do not make me have to make the love connection to your behind on the C train!
--Brooklyn bound C train
Overheard by: ryan
Girl: Man, it's hotter that 50 butt cracks in here!
--American Apparel, N 6th St, Williamsburg
Idle dreamer: Man...I wish I had, like, 59 butts.
--Apple Store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: i still sell the iPods
Walking VD: I told her straight up I only like her for her ass!
--Kissena Blvd & 71st Ave, Queens
Teen boy: I'm gonna spread your booty cheeks.
--108th & Manhattan
Overheard by: N
Man: Shit, I'll eat a pig's ass if they fry it right.
--471 Lincoln Place, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Michael O'Connor
The Market Value of a Call From Mike Is Apparently Fairly High
Girl #1: Yeah, so Mike and Nicole talk every day now!
Girl #2: What the fuck? Mike never calls me. I haven't talked to him in weeks. What an asshole!
Girl #1: When was the last time you gave Mike a blowjob?
--Bed Bath & Beyond, 61st & 1st
Overheard by: i don't want to give mike a bj
She Got Fat
Girl #1: So if I get the Big Mac but get a Diet Coke, it won't matter, right?
Girl #2: Yeah, because the Diet Coke has like no calories, so it will be like just eating a hamburger without having anything to drink.
Girl #1: So I won't get fat?
Girl #2: No, totally not.
--McDonalds, 69th St
You Start Handing Out Directions, Next Thing You Know They're Talking Reparations
Black woman: Excuse me, miss?
Upper-East-Side white biotech: I don't have any money.
Black woman: I just wanted directions.
--74th & Lex
Just like George Washington and Thomas Jefferson
Man, to driver who has almost hit them: No turns on red, you fucking asshole!
Woman: Calm down. He's from Virginia--he's obviously an idiot.
--60th & Madison
Overheard by: Todd Garrin
Retail Therapy Soothes Even the Most Troubled Upper East Side Soul
Upper-East-Side lady on cell: I know, but I was at a funeral all day...Yeah, it was sad, but I really didn't know him at all...This saddest thing was seeing his daughters upset. They're the same ages as--Wow! This shirt is only $19!! You can't even buy a freaking Frappuccino for $19! I'm getting it in blue.
--Banana Republic, 86th & 3rd
Overheard by: DC
And a Big Cunt For a Mom
3-Year-Old boy, putting both hands on butt of woman in front of him: Mooove!
Pushed woman: You shouldn't let your boy do that.
Mother: What do you expect him to do? He's got a big ass in his face!
--59th & Lex
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Wednesday One-Liners: Never Too Gay to Play
Sports enthusiast: Man, that guy was queerer than a football bat.
--40th & 6th
Queer enthusiast: My son can play football, but only if he's gay...Because, well, at least he'd be gay.
--The Cloisters
Wednesday One-Liners Mind the Gap
Man: All I want is vaginal fluids. Been locked up for years upstate.
--Astor Place
Hipster dude: It smells like dirty vagina out here.
--Graham & Richardson, Williamsburg
Amateur gynecologist: I mean, when you think about it, he's really just a big vagina with sand in it.
--93rd & 3rd
Frat guy: I don't know, man...I just don't trust her vagina.
--Outside Ray's Pizza, Houston St
Overheard by: Becky
Chubby teen: I've never even touched a vagina!
--100th & Amsterdam
Worker: They had a bet on who ate the best pussy. They get on the stage and take turns going down on her.
--32nd & Madison
Woman, to store clerk: Excuse me, do you knows where the pussy products is?
--Duane Reade, 45th & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Have Gender Trouble
Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too...You've met Carla...You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis.
--77th & 2nd
Overheard by: Joseph
Considerate guy: Hey, man, don't burst his bubble. If it ain't a man, it ain't a man.
--Outside 10th Precinct, W 20th St
Voice on intercom: Sir, that's the women's restroom. Sir...Sir...Stop!
--Times Square
Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs.
--F train
Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you're the prettiest man I've ever seen.
--Women's bathroom, Saloon, 83rd & York
Overheard by: Aaron
Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who's he supposed to be?
--Circle Line
Overheard by: emily
Young guy: ...so, technically, I'm lactating. Technically.
--Central Park
The Nucular Option Was in the Pre-Nup
Blonde model: I can't believe she wants President Bush at her wedding!
Brunette model: I know. What if he says "nuc-u-lar" or something!?
Blonde model: Why would he say "nuc-u-lar" at a wedding?
Brunette model: Helloooo? Because he's the President!
Blonde model: True...
--67th & Madison
Probably That You Are So Wonderfully Intelligent He Felt Unworthy
Young woman on cell: He said he just wasn't attracted to me. What do you think he meant by that?
--60th & Madison
Overheard by: The New York Crank
Convertible Debentures?
Hobo: Young man, do you have any change to spare?
Guy: No, sorry.
Hobo: How about a $100 bill then?
--83rd & 3rd
Not a Moment Too Soon
Older woman: I think I should wash my secondary pair of underwear when we get home.
Older guy: I think that's a good idea!
--69th between 3rd & 2nd
Wednesday One-Liners Know It's Better to Look Good Than to Feel Good
Girl: I want a Marc Jacobs bag, and I don't care if it's made of baby cow!
--Outside the Met
Overheard by: wants baby cow bag, too
Guy, explaining his pants: Yeah, they look gay, but they make my junk look huge.
--Midtown
Man picking up trash to woman picking up trash: How you gonna make ten dollars an hour and have people making minimum wage looking better than you?
--Madison Sq Park
Shopaholic: I know! One time I thought there was more to life than that. But then I went back to Bloomingdale's.
--59th & Madison
Overheard by: DM Cook
Teenage girl on phone: So where are you?...So,what happened?...Not to your shoe! In the hospital!
--Central Park
Overheard by: concerned trespasser
Cougar-in-Training, looking at non-trendy partygoers: Clearly they don't belong here.
--Rooftop party, the SoHo House
What do You Mean, 'Jewish'? I Thought This Was Some Kind of Giant Robot Cartoon!
Crazy lady: Hooray! Jewish people!
Guy Wearing "Israeli Defense Force" t-shirt: Actually, I'm Catholic.
--60th & Madison
When he Started to Bomb me Over Christmas Break, That Was the Last Straw
Volunteer #1: So, any presidents this week?
Volunteer #2: No, only Henry Kissinger.
Volunteer #1: Oh, I went to high school with him and his brother. They both asked me out, but I wasn't going to go out with a German refugee.
--The Guggenheim
Overheard by: ash
But a Dog Is Never Going to Ask You 'Who's My Daddy?'
Teen girl #1: I either want a dog or a baby.
Teen girl #2: Well, babies are free.
--American Kennels, Lexington Ave
Overheard by: kitsull
He Is Almost Certainly Going to Wait
Girl in lacy red tank top, black bra and low-cut pants, with a lower-back tattoo, on cell: So I had an 8:45 meeting with a congressman today that I totally forgot about. It's like 8:50!
--77th & 3rd
The Goyim Say 'Jew-Pimples'
Teenage girl #1: Do you say, "Goose-pimples"?
Teenage girl #2: No...Jewish people say that.
--81st St
Overheard by: JAP
As Good as Phil Collins, But With a Human Head
Old lady: I just heard the concert in the park.
Checkout girl: Oh yeah, who was playing?
Old lady: The Philharmonic.
Checkout girl: Who?
Old lady: Philharmonic.
Checkout girl: Phil Harmonic? Was he good?
--Gristedes, 86th & Lex
Overheard by: lankyfool
Wednesday One-Liners Can Pick Up Quarters With No Hands
Girl on cell: Quite frankly, I'd rather be pole dancing.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: braincurve
Girl: I mean, I'm a stripper, but that don't mean I'm a ho.
--Central Park
Guy on cell: I don't get the whole Penthouse Club thing. There are strippers, and they serve you steak? I don't want a fucking stripper on my lap while I'm eating steak. I've got a knife.
--Austin Street, Forest Hills
Overheard by: Ethan
Black girl: 'Fo real, she makes all that money dancin', and she can't even herself get a weave?
--86th & 2nd
Spare the Rod and Spoil the Wednesday One-Liners
Little boy, waiting in line to see "Bodies" exhibit: Are there gonna be rides?
--South Street Seaport
Little girl, playing with her inattentive mother's cell: Nine... One...
--Atlantic Center, Brooklyn
Overheard by: wee e
Little girl, humming to herself: Cat cat dog, I am a tree! Eeeee! Minute Maid Coke, I am a poodle! Eeeee!
--Brooklyn bound Q train
Little boy: Eddie, I like that torture a lot!
--Dizzy's, 9th St & 8th Ave, Park Slope
Little girl: Mom, I am highly disappointed in the construction.
--71st Rd, Forest Hills
3-year-old girl: Daddy, does this helmet make me look crazy?
--13th & University
Little boy: Simon says reach into everybody's pants!
--Waiting room, Mt. Sinai Hospital
Overheard by: Jobee
When Urban Patois Jumps the Shark
Teenage son, to his white dad: Dad, you look like a homeless person!
White mom: Yeah, you want a dollar, nigga!?
--87th & 3rd
Overheard by: Rob Dobrenski
Upon Hearing How Dated and Tacky They Were, the Klan Immediately Decided to Disband
Tween girl on cell: I can't believe there are still Ku Klux Klan members around. Isn't that, like, so fifties?
--FAO Schwarz
Overheard by: Like, so someone who overheard this
Cribs With N-Man: Yo, Dog, Check My Cell
Intern #1: So I was watching this thing on TV about Nelson Mandela.
Intern #2: I don't remember him.
Intern #1: He's famous.
Intern #2: Oh yeah, didn't he used to be a host on MTV?
--59th & Lex
Gangstas, Inc. Soon Learned Not to Hold Public Staff Meetings
Gangsta wannabe #1: Yo, man, I gotta get me a new Sidekick.
Gangsta wannabe #2: Yo, you mean buy one or rob one?
Gangsta wannabe #1: Yo, rob one, fool!
Gangsta wannabe #2: So rob one then!
Gangsta wannabe #1: I will soon!
Very nervous white guy in suit right in front of them quickly slips his Sidekick into his pocket.
--86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Peter
Notice: This City No Longer Accepts the Good Wishes of Outsiders
Drunk Long Islander: Happy Fourth of July, New York City!
Old lady: It's tomorrow, retard. Go back to Jersey.
--87th & 5th
Overheard by: Hunter North
Wednesday One-Liners Think Ancient Greece Is the Word
Old lady, standing in front of the Leda and the Swan statue: Gee, I guess she must really like that swan.
--The Met
Frat boy: She was real "Helen of Troy" pussy.
--Bedford Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: the fiend
Wednesday One-Liners Take Up Hobbies
Middle-aged woman: I really never cared for skiing, but I was so alone in my marriage, I found it was a great way to meet men.
--Burritoville, 77th & 2nd
Meathead #1, to meathead #2: Hey! Want to go to a ballroom club?
--47th & Madison
Guy, to passersby: Game of chess? Play chess? Chess?...Also got chronic.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Phil
Wednesday One-Liners Own Eight-Sided Dice
Loud, nerdy guy: They're basically a bunch of shitty MySpace kids with mutant powers. Like the hedgehog kid: his power is that spikes come out of his body, what the fuck is that? I could roll around in glue and syringes and get that guy's power.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Zoh
Middle-Aged man: I think vampires are kind of stupid. They seem to care an awful lot about how they look and what others think. It's like, who cares? You're six hundred years old and on your way to hell, hello?
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Someone who thinks he has a point
Asian girl: One of my cousins is a dragon.
--32nd St
Overheard by: sneakyintern
And All She Ever Ate Was JFK's Penis
Middle-aged, overweight woman #1: How can these brownies be low fat? Look at these ingredients! Walnuts, almonds... This can't be low fat!
Woman #2 points to a picture of Marilyn Monroe on the wall.
Woman #1: She was a size twelve, you know.
--Cafe Bacio, 71st & 1st
Overheard by: Emily Duncanson
Old Ladies Tug on Them Repeatedly?
Patient: My breasts look like slot machines!
--NY Presbyterian Hospital, 61st & York
Overheard by: Johnny Drama
It's Like Nazi, But for Women and Gays
Saleslady: Hi, miss, can I help you?
Woman: No, that's okay, I have my daughter with me.
Saleslady: Are you sure you dont need any help?
Woman: Yes, I am sure. My daughter is quite the fashionada. She gives me the best opinions.
Saleslady, to another saleslady: What's a fashionada? New Yorkers have their own language or something.
--Barney's
Overheard by: ash sauer
She Reminds Me So Much of Her Mother
Cash register guy: Yo man, how you doing? I saw your daughter walk past here yesterday. She was with some new dude.
Bagel customer: Really?
Cash register guy: Yeah, I never saw her with this guy before.
Bagel customer: Yeah, I don't really keep track of her.
Cash register guy: Yeah man, she's always with a different guy. I never see her with the same guy twice. You know, one day I saw her two times in an afternoon, and she was hangin' all over a different guy each time. Two in the same day, you know?
Bagel customer: I don't control what she does.
--87th & 1st
Overheard by: K. Fung
Wednesday One-liners Don't Go There
Hobo: That's it. I'm revokin' ya hood pass! Don't go past a hundred and tenth!
--80th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Jeremy Cristol
White girl on cell: I can't take the subway now, it's 10 o'clock. I'm not black.
--67th & 2nd
Deadbeat Dad's Day III: Overseas Edition
Old veteran: Have a Happy Father's Day!
Dad: Happy Father's Day to you, too.
Old veteran: Me? Oh no, not me. Well, maybe in Saigon.
--58th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Alvin Khaled
Come Back 65 Million Years Ago
Woman: Is there a specific exhibit you'd like to see?
Man: Yeah, I want to see the dinosaurs!
--The Met
Overheard by: Susie
Has He Learned Nothing in Four Years?
Intern suit: So how do I get that pre-freshman to give me a handjob?
Girl: Do you realize that you're graduating from college soon, and you're asking me this?
--60th & Lex
Overheard by: grossed out
Teaching the Golden Rule
Little girl on bathroom line: Mommy, let's go in that one.
She points to the men's room
Mother: No honey, that one is for boys. You can't go in there until you're 25 and at a bar and you really have to go.--Panorama, 85th and 2nd
Headline by: Michael Johns
Runners-Up:
· "Hoochie-mama Knows Best" - senzanome
· "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" - William Levy
· "Daddy Always Lets Me" - David Kafrissen
· "Drew Barrymore at the E.T. Wrap Party" - Marc
· "Old enough to pee, good enough for me" - Big Jacobi
· "Ah, the natural desire to return to your place of conception" - MarcusJ
· "Mind Your Pees And Queues" - Dave Barnette
· "This life lesson brought to you by Bacardi" - RyRy
Honorable mentions:
· ".... And he's really good looking, or he has coke" - Ryan
· "It's also OK if you're dragged" - Steve Estes
· "Don't forget to put the seat back up when you're done." - Deek
· "Therapist session (retroactive)" - noa
· "Passing the Torch" - Jessy B
· "Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarden" - M. Walker
· "Barfly: Generations" - Derek L.
· "Paris Hilton's First, And Last, Babysitting Gig" - John P.
· "Never To Early To Have Penis Envy" - Brian Drew
· "Void Where Prohibited" - Dave Barnette
· "Or completely out of money" - Natalie
· "How to raise a winner" - Adina C
· "Because that's how you'll get respect, honey" - Amanda
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Wednesday One-liners, Minority Report
Girl on cell: Ya know, it's the smart people not having kids, or maybe having one or two. Its the uneducated that are reproducing more uneducated people. You know that 64% of kids born today are minority. We should build that fence bewteen us and Mexico.
--Ray Bari, 56th & 3rd
Very busy person: In class I start saying "African American" and then I'm like, fuck it, and I say "black black black..." I don't have time to be saying "African American."
--27th & 10th
Wednesday One-liners Stock Up on Nair
Man with facial hair: You can only really pull off a Fu Man Chu if you're a cop, a gay porn star, or a pirate.
--Virgin Records, Times Square
Guy to his girlfriend: You are one hairy bastard
--78th & 1st
Wednesday One-liners Have No Manners
Mean old New York lady: The hostesses in this place are so rude!
--67th & CPW
Overheard by: a hostess standing next to her
College kid on cell: He used my razor to shave his balls....I didn't know what to do, I just stood there.
--85th & 2nd
Overheard by: Omar
Wednesday One-liners Deserve Each Other
Prissy girl on cell phone: Do you think I should call him? I don't think he'd talk to me after all of the shit I've pulled.
--79th between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Phipmode
Guy on cell: I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry. I'm usually so fucked up I don't know what's going on, to be honest.
--NJ Transit bus pulling into Port Authority
Finishing Together Should Be Easy by Now
Very old lady to husband: You asshole! YOU ASSHOLE! I hate you.
Old husband: Wha?
Old lady: You didn't wait for me, you fucking asshole.
--Clearview Cinemas, 62nd & 1st
It's Taking Him Forever to Learn His Haftarah
Jappy highschool queen bee to Starbucks guy wearing earrings: Are those real diamonds?
Twentysomething African-American Starbucks guy: No.
Jappy highschool queen bee: Awwww I'll mail you some real ones for your Bar Mitzvah, okay?
--Stabrucks, 78th & Lex
They Both Prefer Meat
Mother to little girl: Eat your vegetables.
Little girl: I'm opposed to vegetables.
Father: Hey, your brother is opposed to dating women, and apparently we're letting that one slide.
--Jackson Hole, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Casey girl
Wednesday One-liners, Baby Chic
Casting person: Ok, here's the problem, they don't wan't a baby with a huge head compared to his chest, nor do they want to see gross veins all over its chest. They want the fucking Gerber baby, ok?
--38th between 7th & 8th
Friend to new mother with infant: All babies look great in black. Did you know that?
--Madison & 91st
Overheard by: Kelly Smith
Woman: Actually, now that they've started talking, the twins are much less creepy.
--Central Park
Wednesday One-liners Make Me Sick
Black lady: I don't eat fried food. Grease is the enemy. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I wanted fried food all the time. This one day, I left work to go eat some fried fish, and I ate it. And I stayed there. And you know what happened? The grease came up and the fish stayed down.
--Precious Nails, 94th & 3rd
Suit #1 to suit #2: We can do whatever you want today. I just don't like the stuff you make me do that makes me throw up.
--AJ Maxwell's, 48th & 6th
Overheard by: their waitress
Screw Ewe, Too!
Teen boy #1: ....So yeah, I was like, "fuck those sheeps, man!"
Teen boy #2: Wait, did you really say that?
Teen boy #1: Nah, I said "sheep." "Sheeps" isn't a real word.
--outside the Met
That's Underemployment to You
Drunk dude #1: You see, the East Village is not so bad, you need to get out of the Upper East Side more often.
Drunk dude #2: Fuck you bro, the East Village smells like feet, unemployment, and Indian food.
--4th & Ave A
Overheard by: Ahmad Zubair Sahar
He Gave Her Directions off the Queensborough Bridge
Tourist lady: Ahem ... excuse me sir ... em .. Could you tell us how to get to Central Park from here?
Dude: Sure, just take a left on 72nd and walk straight on.
Tourist lady to husband: See, I told you New Yorkers aren't rude if you talk to them nice.
Dude: I'm from Idaho, ma'am, I'm just here for Memorial weekend.
--Park Ave
Overheard by: Jason
It's Important to Have a Routine
Hobo, suddenly lunging at random female customer: My meat! My meat! My meat! You took my meat! I saw you! You put it in that cart! My meat!
Gristedes staff converge on the old man who is dragged away, still clinging to the woman.
Manager, shaking his head: Yesterday, and again today, Jimmy!
--Gristedes, 1st Ave between 73 & 72
Overheard by: Emily Duncanson
The Real Reason She Prefers Doggy Style
Man: Hey! I didn't expect to see you here.
Woman: Just gotta find a quick read.
Man: Wow. I didn't know hookers could read.
Woman: Yeah... I gotta do something while you fuck me.
--Barnes & Noble, 86th & Lex
Beautiful and Witty
Drunk guy: Why should I invite you up to my apartment?
Drunk girl: Because I'm beautiful ASSHOLE!
--80th & 2nd
Awww, Wednesday One-liners
Little boy to his mother: Mommy, remember the last time you made a mistake?
--Manhattan-bound A train
Boy with ice cream: Does the five-second rule apply to sidewalks?
--92nd & Madison
Little boy to duck: Uh, what the fuck, dude?
--Harlem Meer, Central Park
Overheard by: robin b
More Things Parents Just Don't Understand
Mother: What did you say? He's a professor of cold-cut studies?
Daughter: No, mom! He's a professor of Holocaust studies!
--74th & 3rd
It's Every Jewish Mother's Dream
Jewish girl to black friend: I want a black boyfriend...what if I turned really ghetto? What if I start to wear baby phat? I'll be like, this is what Kamal likes. Ohmygod, what if he has his own made-up name? I'll be like, oh Styx just called me.
--98th & Madison
Overheard by: nathalie
They Beat Him Up and Take His Cheetos
Little boy getting out of car, looking down at curb: There's no rats here, Dad. You can go now, there's no rats.
Dad: Son, get yo' lunch bag.
--95th between 3rd & Lex
But That's, Like, The Worst Hampton!
Jappy girl #1: So like, I couldn't believe what happened to Erica*, but like, I think she'll be ok. I mean, she's gonna marry some guy who went to Penn instead of some guy who went to Princeton, and she'll have a country house in South Hampton instead of like, East Hampton, but I think she'll be ok.
Jappy girl #2: Oh yeah, I think she can handle it.
Jappy girl #1: Poor thing.
--The Dalton School
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Hazing for The Voice
Coworker chick #1: Do you guys remember [Becky Thatcher]?
Coworker girl crowd: Yes!
Coworker chick #1: Well, I waited on her once!
Coworker chick #2: Yo, did you ask her why she burned down that float?
--84th & 3rd
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja
Wow, That's Like, Kant or Something
Girl: [chuckling] You know what's funny? We always manage to notice how much other people stink but we could never gauge how bad we smell.
Guy: Heh. That's so true!... Wait, you said that just to tell me how bad I smell.
Girl: Yeah.
--94th & Park
Overheard by: hunter 05
Better to Be Safe
Girl #1: So he was at my house and we were like, fooling around on my bed, and I was lying on top of him, but then I made him get up.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Because if he got turned on, got hard, came, his zipper fell down a little and some come got on my pants and while I was taking off my pants it brushed my underwear and then went inside me, I could totally get pregnant.
Girl #2: Oh, right.
--84th & 2nd
Overheard by: Samantha Thomas
Even Ebert Didn't Catch That
Man: Is Tom Hanks married to Rita Wilson?
Two women: Yeah.
Man: Is that why they called the Volleyball "Wilson" in Cast Away?
--97th & 5th
Overheard by: Rob Dobrenski
He'll Need The Club Tonight
Asian guy: Teddy Roosevelt, there was a man. Out of the days when men could club women over the head and drag them off.
Asian chick: Hmm.
Asian guy: What I'm saying is -- my thesis is -- the position I'm taking is -- the argument I'm making is -- there's never been a successful matriarchal society.
Asian chick: Hmm.
Asian guy: Byron "The Whizzer" White! He was a man. He could do it all. Feminism is bullshit. That's what I love about you. I can't talk like this around most girls.
Asian chick: Hmm.
--Tony's Di Napoli, 84th & 2nd
He's a Service Rat
Deli guy: You can't have that dog in here.
Lady: But he's a service dog!
Deli guy: What? We'll get a ticket if you have a dog in here.
Lady: He's a service dog. He's just like a seeing eye dog.
Deli guy: What is he, a chihuahua? A poodle? He's not a seeing eye dog.
Lady: He's a Pomeranian! And he's a service dog! He even has a little vest, do you need me to put him in his little vest?
Deli guy: He look like a rat with a wig on.
Lady: He's a service dog! You can't make me leave! He's just like a seeing eye dog!
Deli guy: But you're not blind!
Lady: I could sue you if you make me leave! I'll put him in his little vest, then you'll see!
--Bagel Mill, 88th & Lex
Overheard by: Loretta P.
He Should've Given Her a Break on the Water
Girl: How much is the water?
Newstand guy: $1.25. Do you want a bag?
Girl: No thanks.
Newstand guy: What about a straw?
Girl: No.
Newstand guy: How about me?
--E 68th & 3rd ave
Nike Does -- They're Called Knee Pads
Girl #1: I think I should get these high heel shoes 'cause Joe is really tall so I need to like, be able to reach him when I'm giving him head.
Girl #2: But...how would that help? You're gonna be on your knees anyway.
Girl #1: Oh, that's true. Hmm, do you think Steve makes something for that?
--Steve Madden, 83rd St.
Overheard by: Amanda Fox
Why They Got Rid of Open Admissions
Dad: See that building, honey?
Little daughter: Yeah
Dad: It's Hunter College. It's where they train hunters! Elmer Fudd goes there.
Little daughter: Uh hum.
--M79 bus
A Cocktail Sausage Killed My Father
Weiner dog: Woof woof.
Hobo: That isn't fucking funny! Piece of shit, fucking hors d'oeuvres on wheels!
--Lex between 86 & 87
Then Stop Talking to Me Already
Urinal user: Hey!
Stall user: Yeah?
Urinal user: You doing number one in there?
Stall user: Um . . . yeah.
Urinal user: Good! Because if you're talking when you're doing number two it don't come out right.
--87th & 1st
Frank Lloyd Wright Is Spinning in His Ugly-Ass Grave
Guy #1: What's that? A parking garage?
Guy #2 [alarmed]: That's the Guggenheim!
--Across the street from the Guggenheim
Overheard by: Mary T Helmes Sheely
Just Give It a Minute
Toddler girl #1: Is your camel dead yet?
Toddler girl #2: No. Not yet. Is yours?
--John Jay Park
Wednesday One-liners Make History Come Alive
Dude: Dude, the Thirty Years War ended four hundred years ago! Get over it!
--63rd and York
Overheard by: John Bardes
Amateur historian: The English people that lived on the Island respected her because she is Italian, and the English respect Italians because they respected the Romans.
--Penn Station
Wednesday One-liners Are Cooking with Gas
Girl on cell: ... a roma tomato, lime... I mean lemon, either one... omigosh, this is the wrong number! [hangs up]
--Staten Island Ferry
There Are Two Kinds of People. . .
Guy: Have you ever been to D.C. before?
Girl: Yeah I used to go there and go to museums all the time for spring break because I'm not a, you know, go-to-Mexico-and-get-date-raped kind of person.
--119th & 2nd
Overheard by: epsd101
Must Be an Existentialist
Guy #1: Man, what's wrong with your eye? It's all red.
Guy #2: Nah, man, I'm just tired, that's all.
Guy #1: You're tired in one eye?
--116th & Lexington
Overheard by: Sam J. Miller
The Third Locksmith Finally Explained
Girl #1: Oh no, he didn't! He just texted me in caps!
Girl #2: Oh whatever, remember when you you used to caps everyone?
Girl #1: That was before I knew how to change out of caps lock.
--86th & 2nd
Wednesday One-liners Are Hired
Suit: When you're 25 and you measure your hourly rate in three digits it takes a hell of a lot of grief to not make it worthwhile.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Gabriel Stempinski
She Knows What "Wishful Thinking" Means
Girl #1: I despise books about political science.
Girl #2: I just despise books.
Girl #1: You know, if I paid attention in class, I would know what, like, half these words meant.
--Shakespeare & Co., 69th & Lexington