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He Was Never 'Just Saying,' and He Never Called 'No Homo'
Youth #1: Man, I'm just jokin'.
Youth #2: Yeah, but every joke has some truth in it.
Youth #1: Where'd you hear that? Who said it?
Youth #2: I don't know... Confucius.
Youth #1: Confucius didn't say that! Confucius didn't make jokes! He was a serious dude!
--Queens-bound F train
Overheard by: jb
Tough Talk for a Kid from the Bronx
Teacher: What country do we live in?
Very enthusiastic little boy: The United States of New York!
Teacher, a few minutes later: Can someone name a state outside of New York?
Very enthusiastic little boy: Brooklyn!
--First grade classroom, the Bronx
She's a Sex Ed Class Dummy
Queer: Today Daisy totally showed me her vagina!
Girl: She shows everyone her vagina.
--3rd & 6th
Overheard by: zin
I'm Considering Getting Out of Sales
Freezing passerby: It's so cold! I wish they sold hot chocolate out here.
Yo-yo purveyor: Yeah... You wanna buy a yo-yo? Ah, that shit won't keep you warm.
--Rockefeller Center
Mostly I Just Massage Her Feet
Queer #1: It is so difficult for me to explain... like, it really hurts to be treated that way, and sometimes I just need to stop and focus on the pain and learn why it bothers me so much.
Queer #2: Why don't you talk to your therapist about it?
Queer #1: She won't let me talk about that stuff.
--1 train
Overheard by: Brina Guild
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Homing Device
Late-20s woman: Up until six months ago, I thought Europe was a country. I just didn't know...
--6 train
Overheard by: 21 and knows better
Social butterfly: Williamsburg? Where is that? Pennsylvania?
--Broadway & Bond
Overheard by: the bfd
Dude: What? You're not from Illinois, you're from Chicago!
--Cheesecake Factory
Female tourist: Where's Chicago, again? Oh, that's here in New York, right?
--Outside Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Genissimo
Astonished woman: Los Angeles is not a state!
--Outside Javits Center
Overheard by: Tara
Asian tourist chick: Is this considered the West coast?
--Max Brenner, Union Square
I Have the Smallest Ericsson Ever!
Jock #1: Mine is five inches!
Jock #2: Hah! I got you beat! Mine is about four inches.
Jock #3: Yeah? Well, I beat both you dudes. Mine is only two inches!
--W 112th, between Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Christopher Stone
Of Course, I Missed Like Every Science Class Ever
Hipster girl: Gosh, I'm like Pavlov's dog!
Guy: What the hell is that?
Hipster girl: You don't know? They teach it in, like, every science class ever!
Guy: So, what is it?
Hipster girl: It has something to do with bells and drool, I'm not really sure.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Tres Chic
What's the Bad News?
Tall blonde: Didn't you say you were getting an ice cream cake? I'm so confused.
Short blonde: There was no time for both, so that'll have to be another break a little later.
Tall blonde: Ah, okay. I just was worried about it sitting in Accounting, so I went to get it and they had no idea what I was talking about.
Short blonde: Oh, no, no. Plus, I couldn't carry all three. The good news -- Mylar won't melt.
--25th & Broadway
Overheard by: prciosasoy
Wednesday One-Liners Ride a Vespa
Hipster on cell: I'm not even buying anything. I'm just here to be seen.
--Trader Joe's
Hipster boy: I loves me some master race!
--Lobby, the Met
Overheard by: Shayna
Tipsy hipster girl: Wine is so, like, the blood of the gods!
--W 4th & Christopher St
Hipster guy: I think the most truly good person who's ever been on this earth was Gandhi. Or maybe Martin Luther King, Junior... But he was black.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Ghandi was Indian..
Drunk chick: What kind of hipsters are you that you won't fuck a girl just because she wants to wear a Sailor Moon costume?
--St. Mark's Pl
Wednesday One-Liners Always Have a Date
Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It's just never come up, I guess. So I think, 'Okay, I'm not that young anymore -- I'll take what I can get...' and it was going fine, but then I didn't know you're not supposed to shove it in that fast...
--14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Peter L
Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It's not a dildo, it's a back massager from Duane Reade.
--Christopher & 7th
Girl: I've got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I'm all set!
--Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn
Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?
--6 train
Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!
--Victoria's Secret dressing room
20-something guy to pals at brunch: I'm tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!
--56th & 9th
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No... 40 grand, and I'll suck your dick.
--Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can't teach you anything if you don't practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
--78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya'll!
--2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That's NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, 'Are you on Restless?' And I was like, 'Yeah,' and then she dropped to her knees!
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you're married, and I don't need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
--Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
Meet Refried Jean
Girl #1: I looove Mexican food.
Girl #2: Me, too... just not people ordering it while they're having sex with me.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Thanks to Dow Corning Breast Implants
Loud guy: They're both really pretty.
Girl: Yeah, sure.
Loud guy: Sure, they've got busted noses, but they're still really pretty.
--Chola Restaurant, 58th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave
Wasn't This an Eddie Murphy Skit?
Hobo: You're all a bunch of cheap people!
Conductor: This is Myrtle Avenue, Wyckoff Avenue. All the cheap people are getting off here.
--M train
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor
Wednesday One-Liners Thought Felicity Huffman Deserved that Oscar
Skater kid: What's the point of being gay if you like girls who dress like boys?
--42nd St, between 7th & 8th Ave
Lady on phone: Yeah, she was working at a factory, but she was passing as a man... Well, she didn't last a week at the factory.
--Bus in Lincoln Tunnel
TA: We live in a two-gender system of society. There's no green 'It's a hermaphrodite!' balloon to put out on your front lawn.
--NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: Limey
Chick: I mean, I feel frumpy here. For real. I'm sick of being like, 'That guy is skinnier than me, has on nicer jeans, and has better makeup.'
--26th St
Overheard by: agrees with that girl
College student on cell: Great, I'll see you soon. Can I be dressed as a woman?
--114th & Broadway
Mom to very young son: Some things are for boys, and some things are for girls. It was cute when you were little, but now it's time to differentiate.
--Target, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
... But Seriously, Do I Look Fat?
Tourist kid to his brother: Shut up. There's no such thing as a male anorexic. Right? And I'm not one of them.
--JetBlue Terminal, JFK
Overheard by: frequent flier
It's Her Ex
Anorexic JAP on cell: ...No money, so I stopped dating him.
Hobo: Whore.
Anorexic JAP, to hobo: Excuse me?
Hobo: Nice thighs -- have another doughnut.
--East Village
Caffeine: Mortgaging Your Physiological Future
Old lady #1: So I think maybe that's the problem with New Yorkers.
Old lady #2: No decaf?
Old lady #1: Yep, no decaf. That's the problem.
--Starbucks, 102nd & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look
Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Francesca
White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?
--4 train
Overheard by: Gregorio
Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?
--D train, Grand Concourse
Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?
--Manhattan-bound F train
Overheard by: Josh
Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?
--Game Stop, Forest Hills
Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They're like lions -- from the sea!
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Andrew K.
Least Effective Rating System Ever
Guy #1: So what's the deal with that chick who was talking to you?
Guy #2: Well, I think she's absolutely atrocious. But yeah, I'd hit that.
--The Joshua Tree, Murray Hill
Hey, Kiss My Wednesday One-Liners
Drunk guy: Excuse me, Miss, I'm askin'... I want to kiss your ass! Just the left cheek!
--8th Ave & W 55th St
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
Canadian guy: The first kiss'll be at the altar.
--Uptown 6 train
Loudmouth on cell: Yeah man, and then, like, I was kissing her, and then I like, just started dancing with her. We were dancing, man. And then I picked her up, and she beat the crap out of me, and I had to put her down. Yeah, man. But she was a fuckin' awesome kisser.
--NYU
Overheard by: lucy in the sky with diamonds
Girl on cell: I can't remember the last time we kissed on the mouth, can you?
--43rd & Lex
Ghetto chick leaving after fight with boyfriend: Kiss my ass. No, kiss my pussy while it's bleeding, like you used to.
--Washington Heights
Girl on cell: He said he wouldn't leave until I kissed him... so I kissed him while I was on the toilet!
--115th St & Manhattan Ave
Overheard by: Melissa Berry
Give Me Some Head with Hair?
Tourist to woman handing out fans promoting Hair: What is this?
Woman: It's, you know, a fan. So you can blow yourself.
--Broadway & 46th
Overheard by: Dain
I Have People Who Do that for Me
Pope: So you said 300 percent return?
Bee: Definitely, man -- 300 percent!
Pope: So I'll have my people call your people.
Bee: Yeah, let's have our people talk.
Pope: My people will totally be in touch with your people, man.
Bee: Okay, dude. Then let's get high.
--Halloween party, Brooklyn
Julie London?
Tween girl: It so smells like London out today.
Hippie chick: What does London smell like?
Tween girl: Really damp.
--10th St & Greenwich
Overheard by: Intimidated by children
They Left the Scouts Under the Table
Old lady # 1, crossing the street: Will you help me?
Old lady # 2: Yeah, yeah -- I'll help you.
Old lady # 1: I am very drunk.
Old lady # 2: Yeah, I drank a lot, too.
--78th & York
Overheard by: I hope I'm still getting drunk when I'm that old
His Translation Captures the Spirit of the Original
Chinese girl: [in Chinese] Your luck just ran out.
Black girl: What the fuck did she say?
Chinese passerby: You are fucked.
--W 4th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Ting
Wednesday One-Liners Hallah Back
Chick complaining about looking for roommates: The problem with today is that everybody's Jewish.
--Dobbin & Norman
Overheard by: Sam Tresler
Young quasi-gangster to friends: Even if you're not Jewish, you're, like... Jewish.
--Post-Yankees game on B train
Overheard by: Indiana
Tourist chick: How, how, how can there be no Jewish deli? All I want is a tongue sandwich and a fucking piece of pizza!
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: X-tal
Lady suit: Are you saying you'd rather be with a Jewish person than a wife-beater?
--18th & 6th
Overheard by: emily
JAP: Shiksas are totally not allowed on Jdate!
--71st & Columbus
Overheard by: DebDan
Chick in stall to friend: It must be a Jewish thing, but whenever there's food around I have to eat it -- even if I'm not hungry.
--Restroom, Loews Cinema, 11th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Em
Queer: No, like, of course you're not Jewish. I just wanted to check before I dissed the Jews.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: hilla
He'll Grow into Them
Female coworker: So, does your son have dark hair like you?
Male coworker: No, he has sort of sandy hair -- like a cross between me and his mom, Lisa.
Female coworker: Oh.
Male coworker: But, you know, he has big nipples like Lisa.
--NJ Transit train
Another Round of Wednesday One-Liners
Woman: She brought a bottle of vodka on the plane with her. She was doing shots the whole flight.
--Central Park
Overheard by: sarah
Conductor: The next stop is Cherry Hill, but for the men singing, it was alcohol.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Date Rape
Smooth operator: Don't worry, I thought you were pretty before I got drunk.
--Subway
Party girl: Yeah, so I did like 10 shots and woke up the next day wearing only one shoe and a sombrero.
--51st St & Broadway
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have spent all my money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs... But now, I have learned my lesson. I want to spend all your money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs... and viagra...
--Union Square, uptown 6 train
Guy: Dude, I can't get that drunk. I am trying to fuck that girl tonight.
--Outside Columbia dorm
Bimbette: Oh my god, it was a terrorist act! I'm going to the wine bar.
--68th St & York
Or More Staplers
Hospital coffee shop counter guy: Missed you yesterday.
Hospital clerk: Yeah, you didn't see me yesterday. I was in the emergency room. Patient
swung at me with a cane. So I threw a metal stapler at her. I got stressed when I threw that stapler, yeah. So I went to the emergency room. We need partitions, man.
--City Hospital, Bronx
Juvenile Wednesday One-Liners
Second grader: Earth is the greatest planet in the whole world!
--125th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Yes, I'm his teacher.
Little boy to younger brother in elevator: Stop! It's like the hospital, you can't touch anything!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: student
Little girl: Big Brother is watching!
--Franklin St & Church St
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Little boy: Yo, digit, you don't get any pussy, how you gonna say she ugly?
--Corsa Ave, the Bronx
Overheard by: Edward Carney
Little girl to other little girl wearing school uniform: You look like a woman. Go change!
--116th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Ken Yapelli
Little girl: Excuse me, where is the drugstore? I mean, where are the drugs?
--Duane Reade, 7th Ave & Flatbush
Overheard by: Cupcake
Little boy: I can't wait to get home so I can scratch my crotch!
--6th Ave & 17th St
Funny how 'Bitch' Is Worse than Mother Sex
Hobo: Fuck you, you shits, you fucking assholes. I'm going to fucking kill you! Fuck you! Fuck you bitches! Fuck you and your mothers!
Queer #1: Oh no. No you did not just call me a bitch. You crazy homeless fuck.
Queer # 2: Mhm, get sassy on this bitch. Bitch deserves to be homeless. He should just shut his mouth and keep it movin'.
--Sheridan Square
Apple's Next Anti-PC Marketing Campaign Takes Shape
Office thug #1: Yo, Windows is, like, mad-retarded!
Office thug #2: Say what?
Office thug #1: I said Windows is bullshit, man.
Office thug #2: Man, I been telling you that shit for years. My G5 is way better than whatever computer you got.
Office thug #1: Nigga, my laptop has AIDS!
--52nd St & Madison
Oh, Dad! We Have Pills For That Now
Girl: So I'm finally going to tell that guy that I like him.
Father: What guy?
Girl: That really hot dude that took me to the prom.
Father: Oh, ok, good.
Girl: But it's going to be really weird cuz this guy could have any woman he wants.
Father: Just hit him over the head, drag him in the house and don't let him leave.
--A train
Overheard by: cave man style
What Happens When You Let Jesuits Educate Your Kids
Tween girl: Mom you're not a tease if you give it up, you're a slut. Jesse's a slut, I'm a tease.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: S-dawg
...And Jimmy's a Girl
Queer #1: You are so gay.
Queer #2: I am not gay! Why do people keep saying that?
Queer #1: Well, you made out with Robert, and you slept with Jimmy.
Queer #2: Robert kissed me, I didn't kiss him.
--Greenpoint
Christian Science By Proxy
Singing hobo: I'm gonna praise Him! I'm gonna thank Him in His naaaame!
Dude #1 gives the hobo a dollar.
Singing hobo: Thank you. God bless you.
Dude #2: Dude, my balls still hurt.
Dude #1: Did you take anything?
--Northbound N
Overheard by: Matt Hartwick
He'll Be Happy to Share Some WD-40 Memories with You, Though
Preppy guy #1: I hate geese shit on fields.
Preppy guy #2: It's not so bad. It's a good lubricant for when you slide-tackle people. You know, you just keep sliding...
Preppy guy #3: Dude, I can't remember the last time I jerked off using geese shit. It can't be that good a lubricant!
--Central Park
This Was at the Heart of the Dispute Between Edison and Tesla
Queer #1: Ann and Leslie are here.
Queer #2: Shit, are they lesbians?
Queer #1: Yeah.
Queer #2: Uh, I'm a D.C. gay. I don't hang out with lesbians.
--3rd & B
Illegal in Most Countries
Young boy, singing: I love you! You love me! We're as happy as two can be!
Mother: I'll show you how much I fucking love you!
--D train, Fordham Rd
Overheard by: horrified
Wednesday One-Liners Ride the Train (Whoo-Whoo!) and Ride It
Conductor: Last stop, Grand Central Terminal. Remember, don't drink and drive, but if you are going to take the train, drink 'til you go blind. Have a nice evening.
--Metro North, Grand Central
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. Next stop, uh... Franklin... naw, that's not it. Well, let's go.
--Brooklyn bound R train
Overheard by: Matt Hartwick
Conductor, to woman standing halfway in the motorman's booth flirting with him: Wanna drive?
--7 train
Overheard by: Margarita
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is not roll call. This is not Mickey Mouse roll call. Stand clear of the closing doors.
--4 train, Wall St
Overheard by: Pandora
Conductor: Please step in and watch the closing doors... Sir. Move your stuff out of the doors so I can close them! Motherfucker gonna make me late... gonna make us all late!
--Queens bound R train
Overheard by: Jay Kay
Conductor: We are now approaching 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. If you're not getting off here, you should. Go see the second half of the Boston Massacre. Have a good day.
--Uptown 4 train
Overheard by: Helena the Great
Conductor: There is no V train service on the weekends. Get on this train. I repeat, there is no V train service on the weekends. What are you waiting for? Just get on my train!
--Downtown E train
Overheard by: tyler ann
Good Samaritan Laws Have Yet to be Enacted in the Subway
Man, boarding downtown E: This is the downtown E?
Woman: Yes.
Man: You sure?
Woman: I'm positive.
Man: Aight, 'cause if those numbers start gettin' bigger, yo head gonna get bigger, bitch.
--E train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Ivan
Astonishingly, This Didn't Work When He Asked His Wife to Do Anal
Little girl: Daddy! Why can't I try? Why can't I ride it?
Dad, on mini-bike: Because I'm God, and God says so.
--72nd & 5th
Overheard by: better off agnostic
... Mom
Lady: You're making me wet... I SAID you're making me wet.
Man: Yes, I tend to have that effect on the ladies.
Lady: With your umbrella.
Man: I'm flattered, but it's not that big.
--1 train
Overheard by: Sloane
How T-Shirt Magazine Was Born
Clerk #1: I've always wanted to start my own magazine.
Clerk #2: Yeah, but there are so many magazines out!
Clerk #3: I've always wanted to start my own T-shirt company.
--American Apparel, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by:
I Said I Just Whacked Off
Coworker #1: So what've you been up to?
Coworker #2: The usual. Just whacked off.
Coworker #1: Dude, you're on speakerphone.
--Office, Midtown
Overheard by: Madeline
Owner: Actually, I Like a Gentle Up-and-Down Motion -- The Roughened Tongue Will Be Ideal
Broker: This is not a pet-friendly property.
Girl: Does it matter if my cat is toilet-trained?
Broker: I don't understand.
Girl: My cat doesn't have a litter box. It uses the toilet. Does that help?
Broker: I am not sure if that makes a difference. How did you do it?
Girl: I used a training kit. CitiKitty.
Broker: It might impress the owner, but I am not sure it makes a difference. Does your cat flush?
Girl: It will if that helps me get the apartment.
--82nd & Columbus
She Misunderstood 'Underwire Bra'
Girl #1: My nipples are really sore and I don't know why.
Girl #2: Did you ever think that they might hurt because of the pieces of metal you've stapled through them?
--110th St
Overheard by: Not stapled
Drunk, Or Still Emerging from the Anesthesia?
Conductor: May I see your ticket, please?
Drunk tranny: I already showed my ticket.
Conductor: Yes, but you haven't showed it to me.
Drunk tranny: What the fuck? I already showed my damn ticket.
Conductor: OK, calm down. Just show me your ticket, please... I'll come back for it to give you a minute to find it.
Drunk tranny: You are probably a leather queen. I pay $16,000 for a cunt and this is the disrespect I get. I am fucking changing cars.
--Long Beach bound LIRR
A World Where My Sisters and Brothers Will Be Judged Not by the Color of Their Skin but by the Circumference of Their Ass
Hobo: Spare some change for the fucking poor? Yeah, that's right, you fucking chinks. Fucking slanty-eyed flat-assed bitches! Suck my ass!
Asian woman: He said my butt was flat!
--114th & Broadway
He's a Lock for a Career There
Father: Look at that sign. What do you think mela means?
Son: I don't know.
Father: Look at the picture.
Son: Oh, apple! So it's, like, an Applebee's?
--Little Italy
But I Am Also Open to the Fingers of Others
Guy: Yeah, sometimes I like to suck on my fingers.
Girl: OK.
--Fanelli's, Prince & Mercer
Which Is All About the Unknowns
Female tourist: I don't get it. This isn't a square, it's like... triangular.
Male tourist: No, no, they just call it that because... well... it's like... a square... a square of people. I don't know, it has something to do with algebra.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Luke
Wednesday One-Liners Always Thought Slim Goodbody Was Hot
Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!
--Brooklyn bound F train
Overheard by: PoisonIvy
Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin' good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!
--1 train
Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs...
--1 train
Overheard by: sara n.
Woman on cell: I can't believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!
--18th & Park
Overheard by: edward
Vendor: What if they test it and find that it's from his ear?!
--Wooster & Broome
Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It's called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there's a market for them.
--Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I'm on the street. I can't hear--Oh, tilted! That's totally fucked up. I'm sorry.
--23rd & 6th
Look at How Stretched-Out Her Vagina Is
Boyfriend: Y'know, you can tell she was really pretty... What?
--Bodies exhibit, Fulton St
Overheard by: also stared
Sadly Not Beyond the Realm of Possibility
Kid presses call button on commuter hotline phone.
Father: Why did you do that?
Son: I'm sorry. I didn't know what it was.
Father: If you do that again the police will arrest you.
Son: Really?
Father: Yes, George Bush will come and take you to jail.
Son: What?
Father: He will kill you and put your picture on the Wall of Memories [Ground Zero feature].
--World Trade Center PATH station
Another Satisfied Customer of Rib Removal Surgery
Girl #1: You wanna try some of my tuna roll?
Girl #2: No, that's okay. I'll just eat my box.
--Sushiya, 56th & 5th
Overheard by: Reina
Trevor Had Heard Tales About People Caught North of 110th After Dark
Man, waking up: What stop is this?
Fellow passenger: 125th Street
Man: What time is it?!
Fellow passenger: 8 o'clock.
Man: Oh dear God! [Runs off train]
--Uptown A train, 125th St
You Would Not Have Wanted to Be Awake For What We Did to You
Girl #1: What's up?
Girl #2: Still recovering from last night.
Girl #1: It wasn't that bad.
Girl #2: What? I passed out and woke up naked in the club.
Girl #1: See, I told you.
--Internet cafe, 63rd Drive, Queens
Overheard by: Interested Listener
He Eats Some of Them While They're Still Alive
PETA activist: Excuse me, do you love animals?
Smart-Ass queer: Yes...They're delicious.
PETA activist: Murderer!!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: very entertained carnivore
Apocalypse Now Had an Unwholesome Effect on Jared
Guy: Wow, a head on a stick! That's so cute.
Girl: We should soo take a picture with it.
--Museum of Natural History
But Do They Message You the Morning After?
Engineer #1: I would poke her, man. I would poke the life out of her.
Engineer #2: I have poked her. I have poked the life out of her.
Girl, walking by: Look, you two need to get laid. Facebook means nothing to us girls; we get a billion pokes a day.
--Brooklyn Polytechnic Institute
Wednesday One-Liners Think 'Un' Is Also a Kind of Faithful
Ghetto guy: She know she got a man, but she'll still gimme some. She know that!
--7 train
Young woman, screaming at young man: I dare you to fuck someone else again! I dare you!... You better not fuck anyone else! You better not!
--Hoyt-Schermerhorn station, Brooklyn
Queer on cell: Since when has your gaping hole decided to be faithful to your boyfriend?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Keith
Walking VD: When I first met you seven months ago I was kinda in another relationship. But now that that's over, wanna get back in bed?
--32nd & 7th
Cop: So I'm fucking his wife for 6 years, and now he complains!
--238th & Broadway
Overheard by: Miriam
Probably a Sufficient Interim Explanation
Man to wife: ...and I said, "What are you: a crackhead?!"
Young daughter: What's a crackhead, Daddy?
Man: It's someone that slipped and cracked their head.
Strung-out hobo walks by, asking for change.
Man: See, honey. He's a crackhead.
--E Fordham Rd & Lorillard Pl, the Bronx
And Their Sideways Pussies
Mother: See, it says these are endangered deer from China.
Tween daughter: I guess they are from China. Look at their slanty eyes!
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Nina Drummond
The Cuss-Faucet Continues to Drip After You Turn It Off
Woman #1: I don't care what kinda shit he was talkin' about. That motherfucker was out of his mind!
Woman #2, motioning to small children nearby: Stop cursing.
Woman #1: Oh shit, I'm sorry.
--34th St N/R platform
Overheard by: jazzystar69
Starbucks: Where Six of One is Not a Half-Dozen of the Other
Employee: Ma'am, can I help you?
Woman: I'd like a half dozen of your chocolate chip cookies.
Employee: We only sell them, like, 1, 2, 3...
Woman to friend: Is she serious?
Friend: She'll take 6.
--Starbucks, Rockefeller Center Concourse
Like They're Afraid of a Crime Happening in a Primarily Black Neighborhood or Something
Black teen hipster #1: Why are there so many white people on the 2 train this late at night?
Black teen hipster #2: Please. All these white people are getting off at 96th Street.
Train stops at 96th. The white people leave the train.
Black Teen Hipster #2: Watch 'em all scamper away!
--2 train
Why Natives and Tourists Rarely Marry
Woman: This book I'm reading says that string theory could verify how the world began!
Guy: Hello! We know how the world began. I've got a book you should borrow; it's called the Bible.
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Alanis: 'No One Knows What That Word Means Anymore'
Guy: I don't think you need to tell him. It's like if he was hit by a car, he'd know he was hit. He wouldn't need someone to tell him.
Girl: Yeah, but he said it was "ironically," so I don't think he knows what happened yet.
Guy: What the fuck does that mean?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Videodrew
Oh, Just Like You Bringing Me to Orgasm?
Texan mom: It says here that the French gave this statue as a gift.
Texan dad: Ain't no way France coulda sent that. They ain't got no boat big enough.
Texan mom: But it says here...
Texan dad: Ain't possible means ain't possible. Gittit?
--Liberty Island
Overheard by: Colman
Witty Repartee Is One of the First Things to Go When the Brain Doesn't Get Enough Glucose
Anorexic JAP: What, you couldn't afford an entire outfit?
Obese woman in Britney Spears get-up: What, bitch, you couldn't afford an entire meal?
Anorexic JAP: [silence]
--Uptown E train
The Only Thing Grosser Than Misogyny? Cellulite.
Guy: He was like, "My girlfriend gained all this weight, and that's why I left her," and all of the girls were like, "Gasp! You monster!" And then he was like, "But it was, like, 95 pounds!" and all of the girls were like, "Gasp! Eww! Gross!"
--Party, 16th & 1st
Wednesday One-Liners Still Can't Get Over Joey Picking Pacey (That Dumb Bitch)
Girl on cell: We got Chinese cable because it was cheaper than the cheap cable...Yeah, it's all in Chinese...Whatever. As long as I watch things that I've already seen, I don't need to actually know what they're saying.
--N train, Astoria
Queer, on cell: Have you seen Victoria's boyfriend lately? He looks great. She's better than Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
--Eckerd, Astoria
Mother, to kids: Sorry we just missed the fireworks, guys. It's okay, though. I TiVoed it at home just in case.
--79th St entrance, FDR
Tourist, after eagerly struggling for camera air-time: You know what, Ma, I don't think we're gonna be able to watch this -- it only airs today.
--Taping of the Today Show, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Stephen and Allison
Girl: Well, today they had a woman who was born a man who married a man who was born a woman, so don't shit on Maury Povich!
--New York Public Library
Overheard by: Actually READING at the Library
Guy: Sweet Sixteen? That show makes me understand terrorism.
--114th & Broadway
Manners Third
'That Guy', after proposing during the game, is standing and hugging his fiancee.
Yankee fan: What are we doing, playing baseball or getting married? Yankees first, wife second! Now sit the fuck down.
--Section 18, Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Lindsay
But Then What Will He Use as a Toilet?
Hobo: Can you spare some change for the homeless?
Drunk girl: Yeah, right. Sell that backpack first.
--4th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andrew Schulte
Yes, Jessica, the Ones From the Sea
Girl #1: That falafel was super good! What's it made out of?
Girl #2: Chickpeas.
Girl #1: Oh. You mean, like, from chickens?
--East Village
Overheard by: S.
So You Can't Even Tell Them From Americans Anymore
Teenage girl: I really admire immigrants...even though most of them are criminals.
--Times Square
Overheard by: intern
It's Actually a Great Way to Put Off Orgasm...Unless You're a Baldwin
Queer: Is it wrong to think of my brother while I'm getting fucked in the ass?
Girl: Oh my god, I thought I was the only freak that thought that!
--Times Square
Overheard by: eavesdropper
Coming Up Next on This Is Your Life, Pauly Shore's Parents Discuss His Birth
Thug: ...'cause most doctors will tell you, most doctors will actually tell you that a little marijuana is good for the baby.
Pregnant girlfriend: Really?
--14th St
Overheard by: Rationalization Whiplash
She Means the Middle East of Central Europe
Girl #1: Yo, all these places are Greek. Owned by people who are Greek, ya know?
Girl #2: That means they're from the Middle East, right? Like Yugoslavia and shit.
--28th & Steinway, Astoria
Overheard by: Gregorio
Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Big-Boned
Chick: Then he peer-pressured me into being morbidly obese!
--1 train
Girl on cell: Nothing's bigger than Oprah, not even my mother's ass!
--Ocean Pkwy and Neptune Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Dude with flyers: New York Sports Club! Only 37 dollars! Get yo' fat ass to the gym!
--Court & Joralemon, Brooklyn
Overheard by: elwood
Little boy: Mommy, I'm sick of all the fat girls in Coney Island.
--Queens Center Mall
Walking VD: It's not cheating if she's fat.
--Outside Jugo Juice, Times Square
Teen girl on cell: Ugh, great. Now she's just going to make fun of me because I'm short and fat! Oh my God!
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: Melissa
Which, Luckily, is Self-Propelled, as Seen in Ghostbusters 2
Woman, talking about the Italian feast in Williamsburg: And they have games and rides and food. And at the end of the week they get strong men together to carry the statue.
Tourist: The Statue of Liberty?
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: just the driver
To Be Fair, She's Really More Of a Cyborg
20-Something #1: My roommate was this die-hard Christian.
20-Something #2: Born again?
20-Something #1: No, just regular.
20-Something #2: What's the difference?
Pause.
20-Something #1: I don't really know.
20-Something #2: My first roommate was, too. She liked this one lady, Joyce Meyers.
20-Something #1: I didn't know that women could be priestesses in the Catholic religion.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: jtango
She Got an A in Statistics
Guy: Yo, Katie, why do you always gotta look at me like I just looked at your ass or somethin'?
Katie: Well, because most of the time you usually are!
--Cheap Shots, 1st Ave between 9th & St.Mark's
Overheard by:
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Good Source of Protein
Little boy, to passerby: That's why I ejaculated in your mom's nose!
--Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Chick: See, I don't like the idea of drinking semen not directly from the cock.
--Harlem
Overheard by: McN
Slutty, With a Chance of Late Afternoon Whores
Suit #1, leaving: Nice out?
Suit #2, entering: Hot n' humid!
Suit #1: Lots of sluts?
--Office building, 6th Ave
Overheard by: Non suit
But We Could Have a Threesome
Guy: I'm in love!
Girl: Awwww.
Guy: With marijuana.
Girl: Oh.
--18th & 10th
Overheard by: John K
You Remember Mike, My Great Dane
Guy #1: Well, Mike was the one that got us into bestiality.
Guy #2: Right.
--23rd between 8th & 9th
Overheard by: James R
Wednesday One-Liners: Cha-ching!
Guy on cell: Don't play games with me or I'll break your fuckin' nose. Have you got the money? Where's the fuckin' money?
--47th & 5th
Overheard by: Adam Bertocci
Ghetto kid on cell: Yo, yo, you don't want to play football? ...Right, right, so just when you tackle them, put your hand in their pockets and take their money!
--M14 bus
Hobo: God, lady, I'm not asking for a million dollars; I'm just asking for some change!
--14th between 5th & University
Overheard by: theNJl
Biker dude: She's a shrink and a psychiatrist, so you know she's rollin' in money.
--Starbucks, 27th & Park
Overheard by: Brawny McBrawnerson
He Only Hung Up On Me Once
Girl: So why did you hang up on me twice?
Guy: Why did you sleep with him last night?
--Forest Hills, Queens
Another Teen Emergency. Call the Ambivalence.
Girl: I was like, "High school is over. I can't wait to get away from everyone!" And then, thanks to you, I actually realized that I might miss some people. You, James*, Gabrielle*, Dave V.*, Karen G.*!
Guy: But all of us except James are going to St. John's, and he's coming here to Queens.
Girl: But Gabrielle is going to Jersey! Everyone knows that once you go to Jersey, your soul dies.
--Queens College campus
Overheard by: Peter G.
If I Were Adam Sandler I Would Have Asked Satan for My Soul Back Circa Mr. Deeds
Man: Wow, you're here already? That was quick.
Woman: Yeah, if I was Adam Sandler I would have said, "That was click!"
--West 44th St
Overheard by: Tomer Langberg
'...A Nation Where They Will Not be Judged by the Color of Their Skin, But by the Blood Alcohol Content of Their Character'
Drunk girl, to owner of pizza place: Hasta mañana!
Drunk guy: That's not Italian!
Drunk girl: He's not Italian, he's Greek! He speaks Yiddish and Greek!
--30th & 3rd
I Get a Helmeting for Each Party I Refer to Them
Six young guys are trying to check into the Hotel Chelsea late on Saturday night of Pride Weekend.
Desk clerk: Two beds for four men, not six! Not six men for two beds. [Pause] That's a different hotel!
--Hotel Chelsea, W. 23rd St
Wednesday One-Liners Give Backhanded Compliments
Guy, to girl: Smart girls are never pretty. That's why you're a dumbass.
--Union Turnpike station platform
Overheard by: Erna
Hobo: Ain't no good here, only cheap. Cheap, cheap, and very cheap. And very beautiful.
--L train, Bedford Ave station
Like the One From That Spanking Movie
Girlfriend: I just don't know what else I'd do for a career. I don't know how to do anything else.
Boyfriend: That's silly. You'd be a great secretary!
[Pause]
Boyfriend: What? I mean like a high powered executive secretary.
--1st & 1st
The Date or the Suit?
Chick #1: Is that George W. Bush?
Chick #2: Really? Where?
Chick #1: Oh no, wait. It's Mayor Bloomberg.
Chick #2: I was gonna say, that would be a step up for him!
--Nederlander Theatre, W41st
Overheard by: Dani B
It Would Deprive Her of the Pleasure
Girl: Man, I feel like shit.
Guy: Why?
Girl: What if he was seriously hurt?
Guy: Huh?
Girl: I've been thinking about breaking up with him, and what if he had died?
Guy: It'd save you the trouble?
--PS 321, Park Slope
That Explains the Boots but Not the Crop
College girl: Oh. Did you use to ride horses as a kid?
Jappy guy: No. I'm just rich
--12th & 5th
Overheard by: Mehler
Now We Understand Her Choice of Boyfriends
Girl on cell: Oh my god, I've been having the shittiest day today. No, it has nothing to do with our conversation this morning. Listen, believe it or not, I can have a shitty day that has nothing to do with you...Ugh, I have no idea why I called you. [hangs up] My fucking dad. I can't even get a sympathy "it's all rainbows and bunnies" phone-hug from him!
--Union Square W & 15th
Overheard by: someone who knows how she feels
Wednesday One-liners Are a Matter of Opinion
Ethan Hawke: Man, everybody's fat.
--Employees Only, Hudson St
Overheard by: molly
Guy on cell: But you're not fat in America!
--Ozzie's Coffee III, 5th Ave, Park Slope
It's Just Like the Old Days
Man #1: Man, all these stabbings and killings, man.
Man #2: Yeah.
Man #1: But you know, that's every summer.
--Myrtle & Marcy, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Brendan Rogak
He Was Just Browsing
Man: The yogurt won't fall. I'm straight.
Woman: You are straight!
Man: I am straight... now.
Woman: Thank god that's over.
Man: Let's get out of here before the whole thing collapses.
--Food Bazaar, Williamsburg
That's Going to Be Great Advice in Kindergarten
Little kid: Mommy...Mommmmmyyyyyy! I have got to poop!
Mom: Would you please just crap in your pants and quit screaming about it already!
--9th between 1st & A
Overheard by: Katie
Why Lindsay Lohan Wears Yellow on Dates
Russian driver: I don't know, she stop right in front of me.
Cop: She just slammed on the brakes? Why did she do that?
Russian driver: I don't know, light was yellow. You know, green is go, red is stop, yellow is go faster.
Cop: Sure, absolutely.
--21st Ave & 77th St, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Joel
They Don't Have Delivery on Her Planet
Woman: Damn, that Mexican is hungry.
Mexican with 10 bags: I'm the delivery boy, you dumb fuck.
--100th & Broadway
Overheard by: robby b
Must Be Last Comic Standing Season
Guy #1: Hey. Is it hailing out?
Guy #2: Hail yeah!
Silence for a few seconds.
Guy #2: I said...
Guy #1: I heard you. Shut up.
--Joe's Pizza, Carmine & 6th Ave
Overheard by: james clunie
It's So Sad About Her Gambling Problem
Guy #1: I got a letter from Rosalyn & Jimmy Carter.
Guy #2: Oh really? How are they doing?
Guy #1: Good, they want money.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: Carl
Those Guys Take Forever in There
Girl: Where's the bathroom?
She tries to open the door to the conductor's box.
Girl: Who's in there? I have to use the bathroom!
--1 train uptown
Overheard by: jonathan renshon
But Bow Ties Are Back
Thug #1: Yo nigga, what are they wearing in the hood these days?
Thug #2: Nigga, white on white is out!
--Outside Kenneth Cole, 5th & 17th
He'll Need The Club Tonight
Asian guy: Teddy Roosevelt, there was a man. Out of the days when men could club women over the head and drag them off.
Asian chick: Hmm.
Asian guy: What I'm saying is -- my thesis is -- the position I'm taking is -- the argument I'm making is -- there's never been a successful matriarchal society.
Asian chick: Hmm.
Asian guy: Byron "The Whizzer" White! He was a man. He could do it all. Feminism is bullshit. That's what I love about you. I can't talk like this around most girls.
Asian chick: Hmm.
--Tony's Di Napoli, 84th & 2nd
That Old Line Again
Girl #1: I just got waxed. Feel my legs, they're sooo soft.
Girl #2: Ooohhh. Sooo smooth.
Girl #1: Yeah, you should feel my cooch.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Gabrielle E Wolf
I'm So Fast, They Call Me the Chrysler Building
Two male twins, dressed alike, in their 20s, address two female twins, dressed alike, in their 20s.
Male twins: Hey! Are you twins?! You twins?! That's great! We're twins too! Hey, we're twins too!
Female twins: Mmmhmm.
Male twins: You ain't twins! You lesbians! She look like she wanna get it on with you! You ain't twins! Hey, I'm just tryin' 'a help ya out! You ain't twins.
Female twins: [silence]
Male twins: I'm just tryin' a help you out! I have your best interest in mind! You ain't twins! Look! That one's that one's mother!
Female twins: We're twins. We are the same age.
Male twins: Then how come that one so much older than the other? You ain't twins! We twins! That's why we so tall! We the twin towers!
Female twins flee train.
--F train
If Your Finances Are in the Black
Chick: Why did you move my beverage to the floor?
Woman #1: You're not supposed to have drinks on the train. Especially not on the seats.
College chick: It's not going to spill. Are you a cop?
Woman #1: No, I'm a taxpayer.
Chick: So am I. I have rights, too.
Woman #1: Yeah, I'm a cop.
Woman #2: Can you be a taxpayer and a cop?
--1 train
They Seemed So Happy at the Wedding
Conductor: Local, this is a 7 local. 33rd Street next.
Loudspeaker: Attention Flushing-bound 7 train. You are not a local. You are an express train. Your next stop is 61st-Woodside. Now let the people in and close your doors.
--Queensboro Plaza 7 station
Overheard by: and hearts semicolon
He Thinks That Means a Blanket
Girl: Do you ever think about us? Like, how many more of us there are than of you?
Professor guy: Of course. That's why I always pack heat.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Jeff
He's Taking Over Howard Hughes' Old Job
Man: Hey, I finally got that promotion!
Woman: Oh my god, congratulations! High five!
Man: Don't touch me.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Aaliyah Leuschner
He's Hung Like a Pigeon
Guy: Yeah, that's the first thing I learned when I moved here: don't eat street meat, it's probably pigeon or something.
Girl #1: Yeah, I wish I could get my husband to stop eating it.
Girl #2: I don't care what kind of meat it is as long as it's in my mouth.
Girl #1: That's my sister; she's looking for a hook-up.
Girl #2: No, I'm not!
Guy: I'm married.
--Irving Plaza, Irving Place
Overheard by: Johnny Tremain
Wednesday One-liners Read InStyle
Guy: They had to cut off my favorite jeans, and my Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! hoodie. I was pissed, man. I made that thing myself. I put the pixelated blood on it and everything. I would have said
something, but you know, I was kind of unconscious.
--Canal Street 6 station
Overheard by: Caitlyn Howell
FYI: "Cat's in the Cradle" is on iTunes
Dad: Did you bring your book?
Teen boy: Yeah.
Dad: Oh good; that way we don't have to talk.
--Tekserve, West 23rd Street
Overheard by: Bethany Murphy
Ditto
Guy #1: Okay...Wow...This one time in Madison I was so drunk...I was trying to get this sorority girl to come home with me and she said she would if I got rid of her ex-boyfriend (he was hanging out with us.) That's all I remember from that night! I woke up the next morning, in bed, soaking wet, with a pulled groin muscle and scrapes all over my knees and elbows!
Guy #2: What the fuck?
Guy #1: Yeah! I had to ask around to find out what happened. Apparently, I sorta, uh, fell in the lake in Madison--I pulled my groin muscle there--then I pulled myself out and crawled home on hands and knees since I couldn't walk.
Guy #2: What...the fuck...?
--B1 bus
Overheard by: Justin Fores
Those Were Uggs, You Tards
Guy #1: The girl with the tattoo on her breast.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, yeah. She got a huge booty. That shit be a jigglypuff.
Guy #1: Yeah, for real. I just wanna grab that shit.
Guy #2: Yeah, but she got hairy legs.
Guy #1: You seen 'em?
Guy #2: Hell yeah, she showed me.
Guy #1: But, you know, it's winter. Girls be gettin' sloppy in wintertime.
Guy #2: I don't care, man. That shit's atrocious.
--4 train
Abrasion Might Be a Problem
Girl: Well, as a lesbian, it's not something I understand...
Guy: You mean, she's a size queen?
Girl: I didn't say that...but I don't get it.
Guy: I don't get it either. I mean, I've slammed into someone's cervix, and it didn't look like that was too fun for her.
Girl: Well, I guess you have nothing to worry about.
--Under The Volcano, East 36th Street
Wednesday One-liners M.D.
Chick: I got drunk and forgot to take out my last tampon; when the doctor fished it out it was all gray and smelled like Alpo.
--6 train
He Was Riding a Young Buck Last Night
Girl #1: Did you like it?
Girl #2: Yeah. It was amazing.
Girl #1: What about Eric?
Girl #2: He wants to become a gay cowboy now.
--Mary Ann's Restaurant, 2nd Avenue & 5th Street
Overheard by: Overly Attentive Diner
Remember That Whole Strike Thing?
Guy: God damn it! Where were you? I waited an hour for you to show up! Were you on a coffee break or what?
Bus driver: Sir, that's not possible, the lead bus was only ten minutes ahead of me. I watched him pull out of the depot.
Guy: Screw you! You guys are the real terrorists! You're what Homeland Security is trying to protect us against!
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Staten Island
Meet Saul and Jesus
Businessguy #1 If I were gay I would change my name to Paul.
Businessguy #2: Why Paul? I would go with something more Latin.
--A train
Overheard by: Cory Agid
Pass the Dutchie Hobo Left-hand Side
Hobo: Hey man, you got some change? I'm saving up for a bag of weed?
Guy: No! I prefer to pay for it myself!
Hobo: Yeah?...Well, I don't!
--Bleecker & Sullivan
He Proceeded to Mash Dog Crap into His Chest
Man: You dropped something.
Teen girl: What?
Man: You dropped something.
Teen girl: No, I didn't.
Man: Yeah, you did...You dropped my heart.
Teen girl: Well, pick it up and put it back in.
--90th between Columbus & Amsterdam
Where Are They Now? (A NYC Short Story)
Woman: What ever happened to Ceci?
Man: Ceci?
Woman: Yeah, Ceci. That little girl that got her fingers cut off. The pretty little crackhead with the beautiful soul.
--116th & Frederick Douglass
Overheard by: Melissa Berry
Junkie lady: Wow, that thing is nice, what year is it?
Yuppie guy: '06, I just got it.
Junkie lady: '06? That shit ain't even here yet. You better put that in a garage, nigga!
Yuppie guy: I don't have money for that or for you.
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Art Vandelay
Mr. Pringles is a Murderer in the Eyes of God
Speaker girl: Any questions?
Audience girl: Were you able to find out about how much women paid for the abortion procedures?
Speaker girl: About $200 a pop.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Julia Kite
He's Unsure Whether Skeletons Count as Siblings
Guy #1: ...and then I came in and Anne was watching some gay movie with Keanu Reeves and River Phoenix--
Guy #2: Who's River Phoenix?
Guy #1: You know, Joaquin Phoenix's brother.
Guy #2: Joaquin Phoenix has a brother?
Guy #1: I guess...
--A train
Those Are Totally Knockoffs
Bags woman: Ladies...Gucci, Prada, Louis! Ladies...
Hot dog guy: Ladies, get your Gucci hot dogs here...Prada hot dogs!
--Canal & Broadway
Overheard by: Lori
Prince Alberts Ruin Another Ecclesiastical Career
Indian guy: Yo, I never told you I almost became a monk.
White guy: Shut up. You serious?
Indian guy: For real. I was this close. Before I applied for colleges, I checked out what you had to do to become a monk.
White guy: I couldn't picture you as a monk. You don't even go to church.
Indian guy: I know, right? I found out that they don't allow piercings so I never applied.
--6 train
Overheard by: Yasmin Henning
Then Explain That St. Ignatius Menorah
Guy #1: She's really religious, she even goes to a Jesuit school.
Girl #1: Oh! Like JTS?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: What? Isn't Jesuit another word for Jewish? Like Orthodox or something?
Guy #1: Um, no.
--Columbia University
Red-handed, Huh? With What Were They Stained?
Girl #1: I saw this homeless girl on the street who looked our age and I felt so bad.
Girl #2: So did you give her money?
Girl #1: No, my nails were wet.
--62nd & Lexington
"...This mayonnaise sure tastes funny!"
Girl: What are you eating?
Guy: I don't know, I was just like, "Put whatever you want on bread."
--Columbia University
Overheard by: helena vozhd
The Court Order was Overturned
Guy #1: He's always dressed in Gucci, Versace, and all that shit.
Guy #2: Nigga, if I was skinny I'd wear nice stuff too.
Guy #1: Yeah, I'm sure it's your weight that's keeping you from wearing Gucci.
--Queensboro Plaza station
Overheard by: Preebz
Next Stop for Trains, Last Stop for Planes
Conductor: Chambers Street-World Trade Center will be the next and last stop on this train.
Man: Can't be next and last stop. Either it's the next stop or the last stop!
--E train
Overheard by: Alan H.
Charlie and the Cigarette Factory
Suit #1: You know what movie they're filming over there?
Suit #2: I think it's a snuff film.
--Maiden & Water
Overheard by: Angry Oscillations
Wednesday One-liners Rifle Through the Trash
Guy: Dude, no one uses "hobo" in a sentence anymore.
--McCoy's Bar, 9th Avenue
She Admires Their Ability to Smear Their Foes
Lady lawyer: Hey, what animal year are you?
Boy attorney #1: The monkey, I think.
Boy attorney #2: Dude, chimpanzees freak me out after seeing Outbreak.
Boy attorney #1: That was a monkey, not a chimpanzee.
Lady lawyer: The thing I don't like about monkeys is their butts.
--Office, East 45th Street
I'm Thankful for My Health
Girl #1: Oh no, I can feel my pulse in my neck!
Girl #2: You can always feel your pulse in your neck, douchebag.
Girl #1: No, but it's, like, really strong.
--Washington Square Park
Bag lady: I have osteoporosis.
Hobo: Ostoprognosis? Is that serious?
Bag lady: Well, I might die from it. It makes you boneless. I have no bones. Like a Perdue chicken.
Hobo: So it turns you into a skeleton!
--2 train
Guy: I wish I could turn my fat into gold.
--18th & 5th
Overheard by: basselope
Old cashier lady: Sixteen years ago they gave me 72 hours to live. I only have three arteries in my heart.
Old customer lady: How many are you supposed to have?
Old cashier lady: Four.
Old customer lady: Oh. That's not that bad...
--Stop and Shop, Astoria
Overheard by: Dan
If You Don't Get It, Ask an Appeaser
Professor lady: What is your favorite fruit?
Girl #1: J'aime manger les pommes.
Girl #2: Isn't the rule if it grows underground it's a vegetable?
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Wednesday One-liners Are Captive-bred
Guy: I'm so horny, I would fuck a mule...but only if it gave me head first.
--7 train
Overheard by: Ron Jackson
Wednesday One-liners for Hump Day
Teen girl: I wouldn't call me bi but more curious. Nut when I was fooling around with her I thought to myself, "I'd definitely do this again."
--1 train
Overheard by: Mike Smith
I Found Unfunny Dickhole's Doppelganger
Girl: Guys, I saw a doppelganger for Justin Case today!
Guy: Yeah me too, his name is Justin Time.
--Virgin, Union Square
It'll Be Just Like Playing Cat's Cradle
Tween girl #1: I don't understand why anyone would be pro-life.
Tween girl #2: Yeah, I'm gonna get my tubes tied once I'm old enough.
--16th & 2nd
Overheard by: alex duncan
Tony Blair Gets Blamed for All the Disasters
Girl: How old is that guy?
Guy: Who, Bono? 40, 45.
Girl: Oh, and where are they from, England?
--7 train
Overheard by: Jack Kennedy
Keep Holding the Rest of Us Up, You Dumb Farts
Old lady: Julian! Get in the elevator, we are holding it for you.
Old man: I am in the elevator, it's just my ass that was dragging behind.
--Apartment building, 66th & West End
Overheard by: Lubes
Old lady: I'm not moving until the light says go.
Old man: Yeah, you don't want to get that rundown feeling.
--Crown Heights
Overheard by: Jamie Lloyd
Wednesday One-liners Need a Planner
Drunk girl: Hey guys? I can't believe today is already Saturday! That means tomorrow is Sunday! Whatever happened to yesterday? I guess that was Friday. But whatever happened to Friday night?
--6 train
Overheard by: Skye
You Can't Bring Russell Crowe Anywhere
Filthy man: You three ladies know this dude?
Girl #1: Uh, yeah.
Filthy man: Oh. Okay. 'Cause I was about to pull out my AK47 and shoot him dead.
The elevator stops.
Filthy man: You all have a nice night.
--Hotel Carter, West 43rd Street
Overheard by: onesong
This Medal Smells Funny
Guy: What flavor should I get?
Drunk girl: I'd get butter pecan but I'm lactose intolerant and it'd make me shit like a champ.
--Bodega, Houston & 6th
That's Why He's Dr. Pepper
Girl: When we were younger, we totally took for granted the fun in playing Spin the Bottle...I would love to play now but it wouldn't be the same.
Man: Yeah, playing now would just end with an abortion two months later.
Girl: Ugh.
--Broadway & 46th
Overheard by: Jeff Rigby
It's Just Paste, You Fucktards
Waif #1: Do you have any of that low-carb gum?
Waif #2: That stuff is super fierce.
Waif #1: I know.
--1 train
Overheard in the Headlines
Man: My friend asked me if they were shooting a movie, and I said,
"Yeah, it's called Bombscare."
--Astor Place
They Must Have Seen X-men
Ghetto guy: Dat movie was da bomb.
Ghetto hoochie: Yeah guy, 10 thumbs up!
--City Cinemas Village East, 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Faceman
The Black Flag is at Half-mast
Guy #1: You do such dumb shit.
Guy #2: I do not.
Guy #1: Well, what about that E-trades tattoo on your leg?
Guy #2: I'm hardcore!
--1 train
Chick: Sell-out by day...
Suit: Shut up, okay? Whatever pays the bills.
--CBGBs, The Bowery
Overheard by: Sarah Royal
Drunk guy on cell: Dude, that's crap, you gotta live hardcore!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth
Teen girl: Man this sucks. Where are all the punks?
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Mary
Chick: Darryl doesn't even know what hardcore is, first off. He was all, "What, is that like some kind of porn?".
--2nd & A
Overheard by: Kira
Punk girl: Fight bureaucracy!
Suit: You're not the boss of me.
--Leonard between Broadway & Church
Overheard by: Lakini Malich
Wednesday One-liners Go On a Bender
Hippie guy on cell: Nathan, I don't care how drunk you were, if you're giving a blowjob, you know you're giving a blowjob.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Mr. Donutsu
Wednesday One-liners Just Don't Understand
Man: How do you get suspended on the first day of school in first grade?
--Lobby, Madison & 27th
Technically Since Early Saturday Morning
Two people are making out.
Guy #2: That's just wrong.
Girl #2: You just don't understand, it's love.
Guy #2: Yeah, it's been love since Friday night at the bar.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Jess McGins
It's Probably Because of Copyright Violations
A hobo has a cardboard sign that says "Ninjas killed parents, need money for Kugn [sic] Fu lessons."
A cop comes up, and the hobo says: I don't know why. I've already had five police come by and bother me today.
--14th & 5th
Overheard by: Casey
(cf. This guy.)
Not Quite Absolutely Fabulous
Chick: He was not really completely gay.
Guy: What was he, then?
Chick: He was more just completely fabulous.
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: jennifer
Girl: I'm pathetic enough but not fabulous enough to be a fag hag.
--The Ansonia, 73rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Betty Noir
Girl #1: You shouldn't feel sorry for yourself. We are single and fabulous, explanation point.
Girl #2: ...Don't you mean "exclamation point"?
--Garden Cafe, Inwood
Guy #1: ...I walked in and the warehouse was just full of tiny little boots.
Guy #2: That sounds fabulous.
--Central Park
Wednesday One-liners Watch the Calendar
Conductor: This is 33rd Street, please remember to take all personal belongings off with you, and let me be the first to wish you a merry Christmas!
--PATH train
Overheard by: elise n
Please God, Let Her Have Been Speaking Literally
Lesbian #1: Do you think she's a trannie?
Lesbian #2: I don't know. Would you still do her if she was?
Lesbian #1: She's so hot that it wouldn't even matter.
Lesbian #2: Then can you let me off the hook for sleeping with that
hermaphrodite?
--Long Island City
The Last Line Works Better By Itself
Teen girl: Wow, look at the men's room line and then look at the women's room line. It's so much longer.
Fat woman: Yeah. Shit, I'll grow a penis.
--Shubert Theater, W. 44th Street
Overheard by: Emily G.
He Who Makes Moby Look Like Schwarzenegger
Guy #1: Jesus Christ! Michael Stipe has a big fucking head.
Guy #2: I was thinking about walking up and talking to him, for the simple reason that I haven't liked him for so many years.
--The Walter Reade Theater, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: El Cubano
Moby Dickhead
Guy: So what gets rid of dark spots, then?
Cashier chick: Nothing here. Try buying some vitamin E oil.
Guy: Whale blubber?
--Kiehl's, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: michael neal
Give Credit Where Due, to the Alcohol
Girl #1: I kind of do want to fall in love with someone who quickly ranges from hideous to really attractive.
Girl #2: That's how I think most people are.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Laura Vinocur
Not Too Bad, As Far As Blind Dates Go
A hobo on crutches hobbles towards a chick walking in the opposite direction, and she swerves to avoid him.
Crutchbo: You think you can outsmart me, bitch? Next time I'll cut you.
Woman: I'm hoping there won't be a next time.
--Port Authority
Man, It Was Probably Gates or Clinton
A girl and guy are making out on the street.
Guy: I gotta go.
Girl: Wait, come back.
Guy: I'm busy.
Girl: What's your name?
Guy: Bill.
Girl: How can I get in touch with you?
Guy: Google it.
--11th Street & 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Tibbie X
That's Kind of Implied for Guys
Girl #1: ...so we are at this audition and they ask us to step out and say what we like to do in our spare time. So this guy steps out and says "discussing philosophy". I mean, how pretentious can you get?
Girl #2: Well, what did you expect him to say? "Getting my dick sucked by total strangers"?
--68th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Betty Noir
Gee, Where Did He Find Those Guests...
White chick #1: Whatever happened to Jerry Springer?
White chick #2: Yeah, remember when he was like, it? You'd see him everywhere.
White chick #1: Yeah, he made that movie and all.
White chick #2: I heard he's running for Mayor of Ohio.
White chick #1: Get out!
--Greenwich & North Moore
What Happened to You, Alex P. Keaton?
Banker guy: I hope you have bail money.
Bouncer guy: Fuck you.
Manager guy: What's the problem here?
Banker guy: He shoved me.
Manager guy: I don't know anything about that, but you didn't bring ID.
Banker guy: I have my Dartmouth ID and my Goldman Sachs ID.
--outside Brass Monkey, Little West 12th Street
Overheard by: pb dot c
The Bosom Buddies Movie Looks Really Dumb
Yuppie guy #1: I'll have a strawberry margarita. As fruity as possible. I just cover it up with a wife and kids.
Yuppie guy #2: Hey, I'm married, and I'm still not comfortable with my sexuality.
Yuppie guy #1: Really?
--79th Street Boat Basin
Overheard by: Andrea Natalie Goldstein
Depends on If You're a Top or Not
Tween girl #1: His hair is sometimes awful, but it's sometimes so perfect.
Tween girl #2: I think that's what gay hair is like.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: emily clinch
Cue the Least Romantic Song Ever
Thug #1: Kelly Bundy's dancing on Broadway.
Thug #2: She naked?
Thug #1: She broke both her legs. I think she in a wheelchair.
Thug #2: She naked?
Thug #1: I bet she dance good. She hot.
Thug #2: I'd break her clit if I had the chance.
--F train
Girl: If I hear another show tune out of context I think I'm going to vomit. Physically vomit. You know that feeling?
Guy: Uh, no.
--42nd between 9th & 10th
Kids Say the Most Ominous Things
Receptionist lady: What's your name?
Little boy: Nayan.
Receptionist lady: Can you spell that for me?
Little boy: N-A-Y-A-N.
Receptionist lady: Did your mommy tell you what your name means?
Little Boy: X-ray vision.
--Doctor's office, Park Slope
Overheard by: Rachel
The WSJ Has a Compelling Drawing, Too
Newspaper guy: Only in the Post! Pictures of Pataki crying like a pussy!
--34th & 7th
Can I Have Your Autograph, Wednesday One-liners?
Old Jewess: That Suzanne Somers has some nerve. She is writing another diet book. I have a friend who has read all her diet books and every year she gets fatter and fatter.
--Music Box theatre, West 45th Street
Fratboy: She was like an ugly Paris Hilton, but not rich.
--C train
Overheard by: nicolette
Guy: I'm gonna beat you like an Olsen twin.
--68th & Columbus
Overheard by: Andrew Zar
Teen boy: Yo, I heard that Tupac was named after a Jewish holiday.
--Red Hook
Guy: Yeah, you know, that's the great thing about the Kennedys: they get $1 off of every bottle of Scotch that they buy. You know, because their dad was a bootlegger and all.
--52 & Lexington
It's Made of Green Cheese, and That's the Moon
Girl #1: She said to meet her in front of some type of iron building.
Girl #2: What's that?
Girl #1: I don't know. Some building made out of iron. What's that building made out of?
--23rd & Broadway
Oh, He's a Member All Right
Girl: You staring at me?
Guy: Yeah, but only 'cause you look so fine.
Girl: True. But you can stop checking me out now. These aren't public titties, they're private titties. For select audiences only, and you're not a member.
--A train
Wednesday One-liners, I'm Your Father
Father: Oh, you mean hummus. Hamas is a terrorist organization.
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: Daniel Radosh
Man on stoop on cell: Son, it sounds like you got yourself an STD.
--Windsor Terrace
Overheard by: LaurenG
Dad: Now don't go getting lost again. It cost me a lot of money to get you back last time.
--Bronx Zoo
Father: It was because of nuclear proliferation. All the dinosaurs shot nukes at each other.
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: JB
Man: The last time a bird pooped on me I met your mother.
--Central Park Zoo
You Need to Put Something on Hot Dogs You Eat There
Teen boy #1: He has 3 taps in his shower. One cold water, another hot, and one for mustard.
Teen boy #2: I like mustard.
Teen boy #1: In the shower?
--Q43 bus
Overheard by: Sucka MC
There's Wednesday One-liners All Over Town
FishBowlNY chick: Not only do you blog about everything, you blog in five different blogs about everything.
--Slainte, The Bowery
Hipster guy: Everyone keeps asking me why I'm sad, and I'm like, "I'm not sad, I'm from New York."
--St. Mark's between 1st & A
Overheard by: Danny G.
Woman: I have some friends, and they lived in Brooklyn all they lives, and they ain't ever been to Kings Plaza Shopping Mall. They so limited!
--5 train
Tourist woman: Excuse me, can you tell me where the big apple is?
--43rd & Broadway
Overheard by: katie cunningham
Woman: What I love most about New York is that wherever you go, in every neighborhood, there's garbage on the curb. To me, that's democracy.
--University & 11th
Lady: You never see girls wearing shorts in New York City unless they're tourists.
--57th & Broadway
Guy on cell: Well I'm sorry, Princess, if New York doesn't smell like a bed of roses!
--Church & Worth
Overheard by: Becka Dash
NY Post guy: This boat is bootlegged! It won't turn left!
--Penn Station
NY Post guy: Read all about it! Discovery shuttle is a bootleg...doesn't work...can't turn left. Read all about it!
--Penn Station
Overheard (correctly) by: Toon
Translation: You're Going to Be a Daddy!
Fat lady: I wanna return this.
Store guy: Why?
Fat lady: Is too small, wanna large.
Guy: Receipt says you bought it a month ago; what happened to you?
Fat lady: I got pregnant, motherfucker!
--Foot Locker, Queens Mall
Overheard by: Steve Kinsella
Uh, Some of Us Don't...
Chinese woman #1: Her husband is so cheap!
Chinese woman #2: Yeah, well...
Chinese woman #1: Where do you find someone like that?
Chinese woman #2: He's a Shanghai-nese.
Chinese woman #1: Oh...Well, you know how those people are.
Translated from the Chinese.
--7 train
No, Arm & Hammer
Yuppie guy #1: Armagnac?
Yuppie guy #2: Yeah, armagnac. It's pretty much like cognac.
Yuppie guy #1: And it's made by Armani?
--Varick & Franklin
Overheard by: Timothy Wilson
It's a Down Payment Toward Freeing Those Pesky Alien Ghosts
A tourist stops in front of the Free Stress Test table.
Tourist lady: How much for the stress test?
Scientologist guy: 8 bucks.
--Times Square station
Attack of the Moongoloid 2: Luna's Revenge
Girl on cell: Mom! Guess what? We are having a full moon in New York tonight.
Girl #2: You so stupid...it's everywhere!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Jim Chambers