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Psych! I Know You Used to Have a Career.
David Lee Roth: Hey, kid, you want a ticket to Van Halen?
20-something: Sure, sounds good.
David Lee Roth: Psych! Get the fuck out of here, kid.
Bouncer, to 20-something: You know that was David Lee Roth, right?
20-something, turning to David Lee Roth: Holy shit, you're the guy from the Adam Sandler song!
--Outside Scores, 60th & 1st
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
If You Can't Torment Your Kids, Who Can You Torment?
WASP lady: Look, Dylan! We're in the subway! It's subterranean -- that means we're going to see those subterranean guys!
Five-year-old: Subterranean guys? Whaaat?!
WASP lady: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! [Puts scarf over eyes, like a mask.]
Five-year-old: Holy shit, my god! Fuck nooo!
--Penn Station
It's Best We Lower Our Expectations for Him Early
Father buying lightsaber: Just drop it! He wanted this one!
Mother: But it's the dark side! You're not supposed to join the dark side!
--Toys "R" Us
... Surrounded by Kids with Heart Disease
Old Brit, pointing to float: Who is that?
Wife: Oh, come on, Bill.
Old Brit: No, really. Is it Joey the Clown or something?
Wife: It's a symbol of America!
Old Brit: [Confused silence.]
Wife: It's Ronald McDonald!
--Macy's Parade, Columbus Circle
Wait 'Til He Starts Taking Off His Clothes
Hobo: Why did Freddy kill Martin Luther King, Jr.? Because he had a dream!
Suit: It doesn't get much better than this.
--1 train
Overheard by: okredtrain
Here's Hoping He Has a Separate Tutor
Six-year-old boy with SpongeBob toyboy: SpongeBob.
Nanny: SpongeBob?! You ain't bringin SpongeBob in my house! What is it, anyway? A slice o' cheese?
--L train, Bedford
Overheard by: jake
Stop Singing and Lick Me
Chubby chick #1: Oh my god, you know who I look like and who I sound like? I saw like this really, really old CD of Barbara Cook, and she's so much fatter than me, but we sing exactly alike! [Sings.]
Chubby chick #2: I don't really think I look like anybody. That's not true -- I look like a Gummi Bear.
--Starbucks, 52nd & Lex
I Thought Those Weren't Allowed in the Military?
Mohawk teen: Not like a Barbie -- it's like a real short midget, but skinny and hairier.
Five-year-old girl: Like G.I. Joe?
Mohawk teen: G.I. Joe isn't hairy, he's just a man-Barbie with guns.
--18th St station
Overheard by: tom
Then How Come Your Wallet's Missing and Your Coat Peed On?
Teen daughter: I love the city. I can easily live here.
Mom: You don't know anything about this city. Keep walking.
Teen daughter: Mom, I know enough. I drink Starbucks and loved Sex and the City.
--31st & 7th
Why Is There a Penis on His Utility Belt?
Nine-year-old boy #1 looking at mannequin in sex shop: Batman! B
Nine-year-old boy #2: Batman -- that's so cool!
Nine-year-old boy #1: Bat-maaan! Bat-maaan!
--Orchard & Rivington
Overheard by: Amanda
Just Because They Keep Putting Bugs Down Their Pants?
Man, about others yelling in street: Yo! This is just like reality TV, man!
Passerby: You mean reality is?
Man: Uh...
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Maggie
Here's Hoping They Make It to Saturn
Jazz dude #1: Where is Sun Ra buried?
Jazz dude #2: Dude... Road trip!
--Virgin Megastore, Union Square
Overheard by: Abram
Meet the Producers of Boy Band Sodomy School
Queer #1: In Japan they have all these boy bands, and they all come out of this, like, big boy band academy. It's like a school.
Queer #2: God. Wouldn't it be great if they gave tours?
Queer #1: We could Google it.
--R train
When Are You Not?
Barista #1: Dude, that would be awesome.
Barista #2: That's crap. That would look stupid, and I will give you 50 bucks if you find me one!
Barista #1: Deal.
Customer: What are you guys talking about?
Barista #2: Human cheetah man.
--Tea Lounge, Union St
Wednesday One-Liners Wear Taped Glasses
Guy to cooks: So, do you guys just sit around all night making up medieval names for each other?
--Pizza shop, 2nd Ave & St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: mangledorf
Nerd on cell: I waited five years to get a girlfriend, and I finally got one and I just couldn't take it!
--Dunkin' Donuts, 14th St
Overheard by: Jo
Chick on cell: Whoa, did I just refer to Voldemort in a romantic context? What is happening to me?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Dork: Wow, 200 points of magic! Well, that would truly be a day of sorcery.
--LIRR
NYU student: So, Yoda is more masculine than Sophocles?
--NYU
Overheard by: waphle
They Won't Know Why It Mattered
Teen girl #1: I don't think people understand the gravity of the situation. Nobody seems excited. We're in an actual Springfield Kwik-E-Mart!
Teen girl #2: I know. When I tell my grandkids I went to a Kwik-E-Mart [trails off]...
--7-Eleven/Kwik-E-Mart near Times Square
I Know What You Did in College, Dad
Little girl: Daddy, are there people inside the big balloons?
Father: Only in Scooby-Doo. He's a carnivore.
--77th & Columbus
Wednesday One-Liners Are So Fucking Glad It's Over
Conductor: This is Prince Street. Not Half-blood Prince Street, but Prince Street.
--N train
Overheard by: she later invited the passengers to debate whether snape was a criminal or a hero
30-year old fan: ... And then he sprinkled magic dust over her throbbing vagina...
--Book release, Spring & Mercer
Overheard by: santos l. halper
Man to five-year-old son: Yeah, you know Harry Potter is now in this play in London where he plays a naked guy that has sex with horses? Comin' to Broadway soon.
--Harry Potter Pl on Mercer St
Overheard by: i don't THINK that's how it goes actually...
Girl glancing at boy reading Deathly Hallows: Does Frodo die?
--Strings Attached Theater Company's performance of Life As We Know It
Can You Explain His Bowl Full of Jelly?
Old man: Hey, little girl, you dropped something.
Four-year-old girl to mom: I thought you said Santa Claus wasn't real!
--Times Square
Overheard by: sitting in a bush
Suckled by Big, Bad Wolves
NYU professor: So, you don't know who Robin Hood is or who the three little piggies are? Really? Where did you grow up?
Student: The Bronx.
--Politics class, NYU
Overheard by: jmd
And Not on TV
Man: We'll be the opposite of the Cosby family.
Woman: Yeah -- white!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Lauren
Two Voices, a Single Dream
Girl #1, into phone: No, we're in Brooklyn. Yeah, Spot Collins's territory.
Girl #2: I cannot believe you just made a Newsies reference.
Girl #1: Bitch, please -- you do it all the time.
--17th & 4th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: me too
Good to See Folks Keeping That Line Alive
Lady #1: ... And I know he still wants me just by seeing the way he looks at me still.
Lady #2: But he told me he's done wit' you!
Lady #1: Look, when it's late at night and he ain't got nothin' to do, who is he gonna call? Not the Ghostbusters!
--6 train
Overheard by: Ari
You're Both Right!
Old queen #1: I always thought that Dick Cavett was such a little asshole.
Old queen #2: I always found him to be downright delightful!
--Edison Diner, 47th St
Overheard by: I like Dick
How Do You Explain That Martha Stewart's Alive?
Child: Look, Mommy, that lady looks like Daddy's computer.
Mother: Which one?
Child: The one he has in his office.
--Seaman & Cumming
Important Safety Tip -- Thanks, Crackarella
Bus driver: I have a headache.
Female passenger: It's the color television. It messes with your brain and gives you headaches. I watch it wearing sunglasses so it doesn't affect me.
--BX 12 bus
It's Art If I Say It Is, Damn It!
Girl: I can't believe you did that! Why would you erase one of my songs from my computer?
Boy: Because I hate Jack Johnson! Anyway, you've erased some of my art on the computer.
Girl: Do you mean those pictures you took of yourself scowling with no shirt on?
--13th & Ave A
Overheard by: Lark
Surrendering to Your Fate Will Be Sweet, Though
Girl: It's this way.
Guy: Are you sure?
Girl: I know where all the Jamba Juice is.
Guy: Are.
Girl: What?
Guy: Are. You know where all the Jamba Juice are.
Girl: Is.
Guy: Are! Each franchise is a separate entity!
Girl: Is! They're all part of single collective!
Guy: Jamba Juice is not the Borg!
--50th & Broadway
Which Reminds Me -- We Need to Shop for Staples
Yuppie: You know, that's a very expensive beer you're not drinking.
Girlfriend: Can't we have one night where you don't quote American Psycho?
Yuppie: Oh, he bought her Chardonnay. Don't worry, I'm not a Chardonnay guy.
Girlfriend: Whatever. Just don't nail-gun me in my sleep tonight. Again.
--Iggy's on Rivington
Wait, Are You Describing the Movie or the Party?
Dude: I saw that movie at that sex party -- the one where Jim got a blowjob by a chick that was not his girlfriend.
Chick: Oh my god, that sounds awesome -- I love it already!
Dude: I know, it's awesome!
--LaGuardia & W 3rd
And Violate the Prime Directive?
Hipster guy: The Trekkies have yet to produce their own serial murderer.
Hipster girl: Yeah, that we know about...
--St. Mark's Pl & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: The Doifter
Otherwise Known As the Super Ego
Teacher: Today we are going to learn about Sigmund Freud. Do you know who Sigmund Freud was?
Student: Was he on Oprah?
--105th & 3rd
Try Pretending It Doesn't Matter
Eight-year-old son: Dad, I can't even tell the Ninja Turtles apart! They all look the same, they just have different bandages and stuff.
Dad: Well, do you know their names?
Son: Uhhh... There's the blue one... Armadillo?
--Washington Heights
Overheard by: hero in a half shell
Wednesday One-Liners Used the Rhythm Method
Girl: Last time you told me something was overrated I got pregnant.
--Sephora, Broadway
Overheard by: linzz
Guy: ... So then she changed her middle name to something like "Afterbirth..."
--Spring St
Overheard by: boston bobby
College guy on cell: He was like, 'Shit, she's got a bun in the oven!' And I was like, 'Oh, shit!'
--Columbia University
Overheard by: roo
Chick: She said he talked to her on the phone and that's how he got her pregnant.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Wondering how that works
Preggers: I'm gonna across this street against the light, pregnant and all, and I'm not gonna have a miscarriage.
--Eastern Pkwy & Classon Ave, Crown Heights, Brooklyn
Employee to another: I only gained two pounds during my pregnancy, and I'm on my seventh month!
--Burger King, 5th Ave, between 36th & 37th
Overheard by: EE Grimshaw
NYU girl on cell: ... So then the doctor comes in and he goes, 'Houston, we have a problem..." I know, right? What's with doctors trying to be all funny when they're telling you that you're pregnant?
--NYU bus
Overheard by: tj
Clearly, I'm Hanging Out in the Wrong Places
Bimbette #1: Oh my god, shamans are, like, so in right now!
Bimbette #2: Really?!
Bimbette #1: Yeah! Like, every day I wake up and it's like, shaman-this and shaman-that.
--50th & 6th
False Advertising Undermines All Civilization
Thug #1: Yo, when I go to McDonald's I don't just want a fuckin' Number One with a mothafuckin' Coke. I want a Number One, a Coke, and a mothafuckin' smile.
Thug #2: Word.
--Q train platform, Union Square
Overheard by: Audrey Monaco
It's Not Reparations, But I'll Take What I Can Get
Black guy: Yeah man! You could jump in the tracks right now!
White guy: Are you sure the subway Superman will appear?
Black guy: Trust me, I'm sure.
--W 4th St station
Overheard by: ron cabrera
Headline by: Earl
Runners-Up:
· "...like WMD sure... or Jesus sure?" - k swin
· "Able to convince morons in a single sentence" - Erin
· "Another Supporter of Urban Darwinism" - ToddS
· "He'll show up in 15 minutes with a spatula and a bucket of bleach" - Rob
· "It's a Bird! It's a Plane! Ah Fuck, It's a Train." - Justin
· "Kunta Kinte's Revenge" - micah576
· "Malcom X's Plan B" - Chris
· "That cold-death feeling just means he's got you" - Leigh
· "Thinning the herd, Manhattan-style" - Tom Beckett
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Batman and Robin Was the Greater Tragedy
Blonde: I think I'm going to donate money to that thing George Clooney was talking about.
Friend: What?
Blonde: Darfur.
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Overheard by: betty machete
Un Film de Wednesday One-Liners
Russian guy on cell: I went to see Saw III. Best movie ever -- the girl in front of me fainted in the beginning of the movie! Five minutes into the movie she just fainted, and her boyfriend started calling for help. I called an ambulance, they took her away... That movie was awesome!
--Brooklyn-bound Q train
Overenthusiastic male student: Oh! I met Borat! He goes to NYU, right?
--Hunter College
Guy to everyone in theater: Shhh, I'm recording this!
--Movie theater, Court St, Brooklyn
Blonde: Yeah, so I watch Brokeback Mountain like it's my Bible. I hang on every word, 'cause I really want to know how gay people talk.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Stina
Guy on cell: 28 Days was just stupid. Zombies aren't like that. Dawn of the Dead is the most realistic portrayal of zombies I've ever seen!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Philip Niosi
Chick to hipsters: I did my first autopsy to The Wizard of Oz.
--The Village, near Mulberry
Overheard by: DC Diva
They Always Have Candy!
Blonde: We need to cover loads of ground if we want an agent to poach us.
Friend: Why can't we just go pay for one?
Blonde: They totally just walk the streets looking for hot people and pay them to become models.
Friend: And what are the odds we are gonna just run into one?
Blonde: Trust me, they're everywhere. They drive around in vans looking for people to audition.
Friend: Please tell me you haven't been picked up by one of these 'agents' before!
--Brooklyn Heights Promenade
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No... 40 grand, and I'll suck your dick.
--Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can't teach you anything if you don't practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
--78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya'll!
--2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That's NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, 'Are you on Restless?' And I was like, 'Yeah,' and then she dropped to her knees!
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you're married, and I don't need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
--Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
Because My Son Plays with Barbies, and He's Certainly Not Gay
Woman #1: Well, I have a nephew who's still 10 and enjoys playing with Barbies and likes to cook. Who knows? Maybe he'll turn out to be gay.
Woman #2: Wait, are most cooks gay? I don't think so...
--Near United Nations
Overheard by: Brooklyn Dodgy
The New Title Will Be Vomit Victor
Guy #1: Why is it even called 'Fear Factor'? It has nothing to do with fear... It's just gross.
Guy #2: Yeah, really. It should be called 'Gross-out Factor.'
Guy #1: Think about it. It's not like people are scared of eating... like... intestines. It's just gross. People aren't like, 'Ahhh, intestines!'
Guy #2: Yeah, it's not like I wake up in a cold sweat to intestines...
--R train
His Archenemy Is a Severely Progressive Tax Structure
Older brother teaching the finer points of comic books: Yeah, Batman's really cool. Best thing about him -- he doesn't have superpowers, so he's really an ordinary guy.
Younger brother: Wow, no superpowers?
Older brother: Well, apart from being super rich.
--F train to Queens
He Wants a Shot at Batman and the Title
Guy #1 looking at picture of Santa Claus 3: Dude, that's Aquaman!
Guy #2: No, that's Jack Frost.
Guy #1: No, it totally looks like Aquaman.
Guy #2: No, it doesn't!
Guy #1: It's gotta be him.
Guy #2: Why would Santa Claus be fighting Aquaman? Why the hell would he be fighting Aquaman?
--4th floor Hunter North, Hunter College
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Conventional Violence Solves Everything
Hipster #1: I think he just wanted to go out in the street and have a hipster fight about it.
Hipster #2: What is that? They see who can eat the least amount of food?
Hipster #3: No, they see who can squeeze into the tiniest pants.
Hipster #1: That's funny, but I don't see how that solves anything.
Hipster #3: Whatever -- fucking hipsters.
--Crash Mansion on Bowery
Star... Something... Something
Teen boy #1: No, the gold one is called 'CD3' or something. The little one is, like, 'R4M23.'
Teen boy #2: I think the gold robot was named 'R3DM24.' It was the small one that was 'C-something.'
Teen boy #3: No, man, the gold guy was 'C3DDO,' and the little silver one was 'RH52' or some shit.
Frustrated 30-something lady behind them: The gold one is 'C3PO' and the smaller one is 'R2-D2'!
Teen boy #2: Oh, thanks -- you can tell we're not Trekkies.
--M15 bus
Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look
Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Francesca
White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?
--4 train
Overheard by: Gregorio
Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?
--D train, Grand Concourse
Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?
--Manhattan-bound F train
Overheard by: Josh
Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?
--Game Stop, Forest Hills
Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They're like lions -- from the sea!
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Andrew K.
Worst. Remake. Ever.
Skinny geek in Flash t-shirt: Dude, did you see Battlestar Galactica last night?
Fat geek in Green Lantern t-shirt: No, because I'm not a huge nerd. Hand me that Young Avengers issue, will ya?
--Midtown Comics, Times Square
Overheard by: jewish girl
Bend Over, Jetson
Suit #1: I like this trend... Taking your favorite childhood cartoon character and slutting it up.
Suit #2: Yup.
--W 34 St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: not
Howie: I Was Young, I Needed the Money!
40-ish white collar: Did you ever see that video on the internet where a woman blows a horse and she gags when he cums?
30-ish blonde companion: Ewww, no.
40-ish white collar: How about that video where this bald guy who looks like Howie Mandel inserts his entire head into this woman's giant vagina?
30-ish blonde companion: No, I would have remembered that one.
40-ish white collar: Don't you keep up with culture?
--Waiting in line to see Martin Short in Fame Becomes Me
Overheard by: Big Larry
Wednesday One-Liners Hallah Back
Chick complaining about looking for roommates: The problem with today is that everybody's Jewish.
--Dobbin & Norman
Overheard by: Sam Tresler
Young quasi-gangster to friends: Even if you're not Jewish, you're, like... Jewish.
--Post-Yankees game on B train
Overheard by: Indiana
Tourist chick: How, how, how can there be no Jewish deli? All I want is a tongue sandwich and a fucking piece of pizza!
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: X-tal
Lady suit: Are you saying you'd rather be with a Jewish person than a wife-beater?
--18th & 6th
Overheard by: emily
JAP: Shiksas are totally not allowed on Jdate!
--71st & Columbus
Overheard by: DebDan
Chick in stall to friend: It must be a Jewish thing, but whenever there's food around I have to eat it -- even if I'm not hungry.
--Restroom, Loews Cinema, 11th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Em
Queer: No, like, of course you're not Jewish. I just wanted to check before I dissed the Jews.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: hilla
Is It Too Late to Give You a Puzzle?
Teen ghetto girl: If you had a daughter...
Teen ghetto boy: If I had a daughter, there ain't no way she'd be leavin' the house with them short shorts and shit. And she fo' sho' wouldn't be playin' with them barbies. Barbies is evil. They mess with girls' brains, makin' them think they need to show off their shit and have babies when theys like 15. No barbies. Only puzzles.
--Manhattan bound N train
Overheard by: lauren
Juvenile Wednesday One-Liners
Second grader: Earth is the greatest planet in the whole world!
--125th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Yes, I'm his teacher.
Little boy to younger brother in elevator: Stop! It's like the hospital, you can't touch anything!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: student
Little girl: Big Brother is watching!
--Franklin St & Church St
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Little boy: Yo, digit, you don't get any pussy, how you gonna say she ugly?
--Corsa Ave, the Bronx
Overheard by: Edward Carney
Little girl to other little girl wearing school uniform: You look like a woman. Go change!
--116th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Ken Yapelli
Little girl: Excuse me, where is the drugstore? I mean, where are the drugs?
--Duane Reade, 7th Ave & Flatbush
Overheard by: Cupcake
Little boy: I can't wait to get home so I can scratch my crotch!
--6th Ave & 17th St
Wednesday One-Liners Have at Least One Marketable Skill
Pragmatist: I figure if I don't get a job in publishing, I'll become a video vixen.
--Dunkin' Donuts, Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Overheard by: Christine
Skank: No way! I am not one of those girls. I am not a video girl...I am a dancer!
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Skye
Ditz: Supposably [sic], she's going to be dancing in some Beyonce video. She's so stupid.
--54th St between 9th & 10th
Media scholar: Well it's different when the girl getting fucked in the video is the same age as you. I mean, that's great when you're 15.
--20th & 8th
You Can Fake the Attitude, Even the Look, But In the End, Either You Have a Horizontal Vagina or You Don't
Dude #1: She's just got this, y'know, Asian air about her.
Dude #2: Yeah?
Dude #1: She's got this, like, totally anime look.
Dude #2: Yeah?
Dude #1: Yeah, but I wish she were really Asian.
--88th & 1st
Overheard by: Beeeej
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Pamprin
Woman: When it's a tampon, you can stick it anywhere.
--59th St
Overheard by: Rich
Woman on cell: ...and then this big glop of bloody goop came out, and so I reached into the toilet and squeezed it to make sure it wasn't a baby...
--13th & Broadway
20-Something chick: My shit bled like it's never bled before.
--Elevator, 57th & 6th
Overheard by: Matt
Mulleted queer: Imagine if Virginia Slims designed a tampon!--Bushwick, BrooklynOverheard by: 'nuther black charlie chaplin
Creative genius: Just imagine if I had a tampon gun!
--St. Mark's
Woman on cell: Well, you can't just go handing out sanitary napkins to everyone!
--15th & Union Square East
Loud girl on cell: Yeah, so he was going for it, and I was like, "No, baby, I can't tonight," and he was like, "Why?" and I was like, "I got it today," and he was like, "Aww, then nothing for a whole week!"
--CVS, 58th & 9th
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Wednesday One-Liners Ride the Train (Whoo-Whoo!) and Ride It
Conductor: Last stop, Grand Central Terminal. Remember, don't drink and drive, but if you are going to take the train, drink 'til you go blind. Have a nice evening.
--Metro North, Grand Central
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. Next stop, uh... Franklin... naw, that's not it. Well, let's go.
--Brooklyn bound R train
Overheard by: Matt Hartwick
Conductor, to woman standing halfway in the motorman's booth flirting with him: Wanna drive?
--7 train
Overheard by: Margarita
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is not roll call. This is not Mickey Mouse roll call. Stand clear of the closing doors.
--4 train, Wall St
Overheard by: Pandora
Conductor: Please step in and watch the closing doors... Sir. Move your stuff out of the doors so I can close them! Motherfucker gonna make me late... gonna make us all late!
--Queens bound R train
Overheard by: Jay Kay
Conductor: We are now approaching 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. If you're not getting off here, you should. Go see the second half of the Boston Massacre. Have a good day.
--Uptown 4 train
Overheard by: Helena the Great
Conductor: There is no V train service on the weekends. Get on this train. I repeat, there is no V train service on the weekends. What are you waiting for? Just get on my train!
--Downtown E train
Overheard by: tyler ann
Wednesday One-Liners Do Their Little Turn on the Catwalk
Woman on cell, wearing fuchsia catsuit and clutching stuffed parrot: I'm on the corner of Broadway and 69th in a ridiculous outfit.
--69th & Broadway
Buff guy: You know what they used to call me in jail? "Harry the Robe," because I wore this beautiful white robe after I took showers.
--Madison Ave
Overheard by: gina
Girl on cell: I swear, if I have my underwear on inside out today I am just going to snap.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Amused listener
Preppy guy: Is there a philosopher named Kenneth Cole? Because there is this huge billboard with his quote on it.
--Sugar Sweet Sunshine, Rivington between Norfolk & Essex
Guy in black cape and Batman-type mask: No one ever fucks with me when I go out at night rocking this outfit.
--Franklin & Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Overheard by: lil pirate
Girl: Do they even have Prada in Boston? They just have baked beans and Benjamin Franklin, and he's dead.
--Stanton & Orchard
Girl, walking behind another girl who's wearing a pink tutu, white stockings, and a tiara: Let her walk alone wearing this on her birthday.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Not Wearing a Tutu
Medieval General: And After the Archers, Send in the Yellow Horde!
Asian guy: Hey, you ever play DDR?
White guy: I'm white. No, never played it.
Asian guy: Oh, I played at a friend's yesterday. His sister was good.
White guy: Are you good?
Asian guy: I'm OK.
White guy: Redeem yourself. You're not Asian anymore.
Asian guy: Dude, my friends are black. Black people can dance, idiot.
White guy: Yeah, and Asian people are good at DDR.
Asian guy: No, we're just good at following arrows.
--Times Square
Overheard by: jason
No One Takes Their Music Seriously Until a White Person Records It, Anyway
Girl: I just heard a Britney Spears cover. It was odd.
Guy: I like her cover of... I think it was a James Brown song.
Girl: "My Prerogative"?... oh, no, that's Bobby Brown.
Guy: It was some brown person.
--57th & 8th
How T-Shirt Magazine Was Born
Clerk #1: I've always wanted to start my own magazine.
Clerk #2: Yeah, but there are so many magazines out!
Clerk #3: I've always wanted to start my own T-shirt company.
--American Apparel, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by:
There Is a Well-Documented Correlation Between Mixed Breeding and Split Ends
Drunk girl #1: He has such bad hair.
Drunk girl #2: No, you know who has bad hair? Derek Jeter.
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, but he can't help it. He's half black... what? He is.
--Queens
And Then They All Come Out in Cat Makeup and Sing About Hitler
Girl #1: Where does Rent take place?
Girl #2: I heard it takes place in China.
Girl #1: Oh, really? Are they going to eat a dog here?
Girl #2: Maybe a puppet.
--41st & 7th
Overheard by: hahaha
He'd Been Waiting All Week to Use That Cultural Reference
Girl: Look at that guy. He's such a loser. He's wearing a fanny pack and he's covering his ears. We're at a concert. What is his deal?
Guy: The only thing that could be worse is if he had a Trapper Keeper.
--Roseland Ballroom, 52nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Harper
Wednesday One-Liners Always Thought Slim Goodbody Was Hot
Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!
--Brooklyn bound F train
Overheard by: PoisonIvy
Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin' good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!
--1 train
Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs...
--1 train
Overheard by: sara n.
Woman on cell: I can't believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!
--18th & Park
Overheard by: edward
Vendor: What if they test it and find that it's from his ear?!
--Wooster & Broome
Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It's called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there's a market for them.
--Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I'm on the street. I can't hear--Oh, tilted! That's totally fucked up. I'm sorry.
--23rd & 6th
But Now That You Mention It...
Girl: I really wish we had stayed. I totally would have waited in the rain and gotten wet for Beyoncé.
Guy: I didn't know you were into chicks.
Girl: Wet from the rain, you jackass.
--Times Square
The Penis Mightier Than the Wednesday One-Liners
Small girl, pointing at an advertisement for Little Man: Look, Grandpa! He looks like a little man!...He has a huge penis!
--189th St
Braggart: My penis is heavier than a full-sized gruyere cheese.
--Red Hook
Guy dressed as a penis, on cell: If you don't get down to 14th and 6th in another 5 minutes, this is one dick you are not going to see!
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: Madhu Maganti
Guy: I'd give an inch of my dick for the fries at Les Halles. They're that good!...Ok, maybe half an inch.
--Park Avenue & 29th Street
Overheard by: 11221
Teen boy on cell: Hey, it's Big Daddy! You know, Big Daddy! You showed me your penis ring last night.
--Times Square
Overheard by: laura
Woman: Aaah! I've got baby penises in my eye!
--Sephora, Times Square
Girl: Ooh, she is going to be in so much trouble. She got caught smoking cock.
--Bed-Stuy
Wednesday One-Liners: Too Busy to Acquire Social Skills
Virgin-For-Life: Clark Kent and Kal-El are the same goddamn thing, Joey! We are not having this conversation again! Jesus Christ! I'm going home!
--Coney Island
20-Something Virgin-For-Life, noticing guy with Superman t-shirt: Look! That's who I wanna be when I grow up! Clark Kent! Imagine just taking a suit off and becoming a superhero.
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Guy With Superman t-shirt
Virgin-For-Life: The intestinal epithelium is my dream tissue.
--Albert Einstein College of Medicine, the Bronx
Overheard by: Joshua Drumm
Virgin-For-Life: He's really sharp. He's like the head of Voltron.
--23rd between 5th & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Burn, Baby, Burn
Queer: Hanging out with him is like doing charity work.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: J. Ann
Ghetto girl to thug: You can't touch this. Keep reminiscin', mothafucka.
--106th & Columbus
Overheard by: Shmoop
Guy on cell: I'll be real with you, man. I know more than you. I know a lot more than you.
--17th & 5th
Altruist: He's really nice so I just fake it sometimes.
--Elevator, 120 Wall St
Overheard by: Aubrie
Teen girl: She did what? Oh my God, she is, like, so off my top 8.
--1 train
Queer: Well, I do like the person you want to be.
--Washington & Charles
Loud chick: Who knows how he lucked out into marrying her? I'm just always thinking, lady, you are hot, and yet you married an Ewok.
--Starbucks, 71st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
But Do They Message You the Morning After?
Engineer #1: I would poke her, man. I would poke the life out of her.
Engineer #2: I have poked her. I have poked the life out of her.
Girl, walking by: Look, you two need to get laid. Facebook means nothing to us girls; we get a billion pokes a day.
--Brooklyn Polytechnic Institute
Statutory Wednesday One-Liners
Tourist: I want to have sex. I'm old enough!
--Outside Cold Stone Creamery, 42nd St
20-Something frat boy: Ya know, something tells me my wife hasn't even been born yet...
--6 train, Astor Place
Overheard by: Al
Young woman: If I were a pedophile, I would be the best pedophile ever because nobody would suspect me!
--6 train
Overheard by: Innocent bystander
Man, trying on glasses: No, these make me look like a pedophile.
--9th Street Optical, 9th St between 5th & 6th, Brooklyn
Chick on cell: Yes, I got fired at my job! Yes, I got fired at Barely Legal! I got tired of playing Twister in my pajamas.
--Airplane, LaGuardia Tarmac
Overheard by: Judy
If Wednesday One-Liners Can Make It Here, They Can Make It Anywhere
Chick: Nothing says New York like a wire frog.
--Battery Park
Lady who has loudly complained to the waiter about the poor service: It's people like that who give New York City a bad name.
--Lindy's, 7th Ave
Overheard by: joemikehap
Amateur anthropologist: Of course I have a snarky attitude! I'm a New Yorker; it's practically a requirement!
--F train
Overheard by: Braincurve
Tourist on cell: Yeah! I'm in New York! Yeah, it's kinda like New Orleans, except bigger and you can't drink in the streets.
--Grand Central
Man on bicycle: New York is about freedom! Suck a dick!
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Laura
Guy watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer: See, that's why I never leave New York. You never see crazy motherfuckers like that in New York...except for niggas on the train.
--Regal Cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Clitoris Rex
Little girl: There's a lot of people in this New York City!
--Times Square
Isn't That From Dr. Seuss's 'I Don't Like Penis Made of Glass/ I Do Not Like It in My Ass'?
Younger woman: Have you seen any of the Chihuly glass?
Elderly woman: Yes, it looks like penises with diseases!
--New York Botanical Garden, the Bronx
And Their Sideways Pussies
Mother: See, it says these are endangered deer from China.
Tween daughter: I guess they are from China. Look at their slanty eyes!
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Nina Drummond
Alanis: 'No One Knows What That Word Means Anymore'
Guy: I don't think you need to tell him. It's like if he was hit by a car, he'd know he was hit. He wouldn't need someone to tell him.
Girl: Yeah, but he said it was "ironically," so I don't think he knows what happened yet.
Guy: What the fuck does that mean?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Videodrew
I See Joe Rogan as the Host
Professor #1: And so I told her it would be called So You Think You Can Fuck...
Professor #2: Right! And there'd be twelve couples...
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Gigi
Wednesday One-Liners Built the Tower of Babel
Guy: Hey! Where's my Sudanese pussy from Chinatown?
--14th & University
Guy on cell: I'll meet you at the corner by the store with Chinese writing...Hey, wait a minute. All the fucking signs around here have Chinese writing.
--Walker & Lafayette
Overheard by: Wolf
Guy on cell: So, if this is true, then Dracula's native language would be Hungarian rather than Romanian. And I think that is important for my research.
--Anthology Film Archives, 2nd St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: nosy cinephile
Teen girl: This bag is mad Aztec.
--13th & University
Co-Worker: So, did she mention anything about Mexicans?
--Office, W 36th St
Overheard by: Evan
Well-Traveled girl: Mexico is not a Third-World country. JFK is.
--Tea Lounge, Park Slope
Small child: Mommy, look! You can tell he's Mexican by his eyes!
--Bodies exhibit, South Street Seaport
White girl, to Asian girl: So wait, is he just not Japanese or not interested?
--Walgreens, Union Square
Overheard by: Goldie
Businesswoman: Well you can't kill a Vietnamese man because that would just cost too much.
--I Trulli restaurant, E 27th St
Hobo: You're not Polish; you just think you're Polish!
--Tompkins Square Park
Voice over intercom: Will the foreign exchange student please come to the cashier.
--Century 21
Sassy chick: I can't believe she's moving to fucking Cambodia to live with a fucking cricket-hunter she's only known for two months!
--TGI Friday's, 52nd & 7th
Overheard by: Shaina
'Real Hip-Hop Artist' Is an Oxymoron, So We Cannot Verify This
Girl #1: He's a hip-hop artist; he has to have an Asian girfriend.
Girl #2: He already has one.
Guy: If he's a real hip-hop artist, he has to have two.
--Spring & Sullivan
Overheard by: inge
Wednesday One-Liners Still Can't Get Over Joey Picking Pacey (That Dumb Bitch)
Girl on cell: We got Chinese cable because it was cheaper than the cheap cable...Yeah, it's all in Chinese...Whatever. As long as I watch things that I've already seen, I don't need to actually know what they're saying.
--N train, Astoria
Queer, on cell: Have you seen Victoria's boyfriend lately? He looks great. She's better than Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
--Eckerd, Astoria
Mother, to kids: Sorry we just missed the fireworks, guys. It's okay, though. I TiVoed it at home just in case.
--79th St entrance, FDR
Tourist, after eagerly struggling for camera air-time: You know what, Ma, I don't think we're gonna be able to watch this -- it only airs today.
--Taping of the Today Show, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Stephen and Allison
Girl: Well, today they had a woman who was born a man who married a man who was born a woman, so don't shit on Maury Povich!
--New York Public Library
Overheard by: Actually READING at the Library
Guy: Sweet Sixteen? That show makes me understand terrorism.
--114th & Broadway
What Do You Think This Is, Tower Records?
Customer: Do you have the documentary on Marlene Dietrich made by
her nephew, David Riva?
Sales girl: Who's that again?
Customer: Marlene Dietrich.
Sales girl: [blank look]
Customer: Come on, Dietrich!! You know, Garbo, Monroe, Dietrich...
the big ones.
Sales girl: Hey, I'm sorry. I don't know everybody.--Virgin Megastore, Times SquareOverheard by: Gladys M
Headline by: Steve
Runners-Up:
· "A Virgin employee apologizing... she must be new, she hasn't grown a superiority complex yet" - Matthew McGuirl
· "Have you ever read anything by Seuss?" - Steve Harhart
· "He never could deliver a pick-up line without getting angry" - AK
· "I Need a Gay Male Employee at the Front Desk Please, a Gay Male Employee" - Jennifer Koretsky
· "I think she was in something with Tom Cruise...?" - Michelle
· "Plus he lost her at "documentary"" - Amy Stephenson
· "Sales clerk caught unaware of hip new trend called "History"" - Andy
· "She wears a nametag to satisfy her own curiosity" - Amanda
· "They're Dead to Me" - Toby
· "Wait. . . Your'e Telling Me Stuff Happened Before I Was Born?" - DanC
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Big-Boned
Chick: Then he peer-pressured me into being morbidly obese!
--1 train
Girl on cell: Nothing's bigger than Oprah, not even my mother's ass!
--Ocean Pkwy and Neptune Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Dude with flyers: New York Sports Club! Only 37 dollars! Get yo' fat ass to the gym!
--Court & Joralemon, Brooklyn
Overheard by: elwood
Little boy: Mommy, I'm sick of all the fat girls in Coney Island.
--Queens Center Mall
Walking VD: It's not cheating if she's fat.
--Outside Jugo Juice, Times Square
Teen girl on cell: Ugh, great. Now she's just going to make fun of me because I'm short and fat! Oh my God!
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: Melissa
Rude Would Have Been Kinder
New Yorker: Coney Island is fun if you like that stuff. I mean, there's a lot of nationalities down there so their accents are all...They talk like the Sopranos. Do you know about the Sopranos?
Tourist: Um.
--R Train, 28th St
Overheard by: Nick McDowell
Mel Gibson's Guide to Alienating Hollywood While Making 100 Million Dollars
Med student #1: Some people say that The Passion of The Christ doesn't follow the book.
Med student #2: What book?
--122nd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Khalilah
Oprah, to Hitman: Yeah, She's About Eight, Eight and a Half. Blonde Hair, Green Eyes...
Little girl: Mom, look! I saw that lady on TV! That lady is on TV!
Mom: What lady? Where?
Little girl: That fat lady! That fat lady over there is on TV!
--Dinosaur BBQ, W 131st St
Overheard by: Alison R.
If I Were Adam Sandler I Would Have Asked Satan for My Soul Back Circa Mr. Deeds
Man: Wow, you're here already? That was quick.
Woman: Yeah, if I was Adam Sandler I would have said, "That was click!"
--West 44th St
Overheard by: Tomer Langberg
If Paris Hilton Comes Into Red Lobster, We'll Discuss It
Woman: Where are you from?
Tourist: We're from Texas! Why, could you hear our accents over there?
Woman: No, it's because in New York we know that you can't bring dogs into restaurants.
Tourist: You can't?
Woman: No, you can't. We work for the Department of Public Health. Consider this a warning.
Tourist: Oh. I thought it was ok because y'all are ok with Paris Hilton and all.
--Red Lobster, Times Square
Overheard by: Lynne & Craig
Wednesday One-liners Need Some Space
Bus driver: Move to the back of the bus. They're giving free diamonds in the back of the bus. See that lady in the back for your free diamond.
--M2 bus
Guy: I hate this city. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a production.
--W 44th, near filming of Spiderman 3
Overheard by: Alex
Wednesday One-liners in Tails
Tux: You know my ex-boyfriend, right? Come on, you remember him. His sister was in jail with Amy Fisher?
--Therapy, 52nd & 9th
Tux: Stop singing Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. That's all I'll ever ask of you.
--Tonys after-party for Jersey Boys, Hard Rock Cafe
Wednesday One-Liners Like Side Dishes
Guy: I like my dick with a little pussy on the side.
--3rd & Bowery
Possible paternity litigant: Paul Newman, another girl, and my mom were all having sex together right before I was born.
--6th St & 1st Ave
If You Look Closely, You Can See Estelle Getty's Nipples
Quasi-thug #1: So if I got the first season, you would watch it with me?
Quasi-thug #2: Fuck yeah. It's the fucking Golden Girls, yo.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: djlindee
One Too Many Tarantino Films
Girl: I did, I saw Uma Thurman in Les Mis.
Guy: She wasn't in Les Mis.
Girl: Not on stage, on TV.
Guy: She wasn't in Les Mis on TV.
Girl: I thought it was her, or someone else with that cross-eyed look.
--42nd & 8th
Actually, I Hate Walking
Kid: Excuse me, can you get Floyd to sign something for me?
Security guard: No. Floyd hates kids.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Silent K
$50 Says Mo Would Take That Scarecrow Out
Woman: Who do you think would win a fight between Ann Coulter and Maureen Dowd?
Man: A fight?
Woman: Yeah, you know, a death match.
Man: I'm gonna go with Ann Coulter.
Woman: You think? They both wear long, spikey heels. They could put each other's eyes out pretty fast.
Man: But Ann Coulter would be like, "Rock on, I'm in a death cage!" And Maureen Dowd would be like, "Wait, what am I doing in a death cage?"
--Alt.Coffee, Avenue A
Ginger Did Her Boyfriend
Singing hobo: Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip --
Girl with a lot of rage: Shut the fuck up! I hate that fucking show. Gilligan's Island. Fuck you, man.
--Union Square
She's Thinking of The Pelican Briefs
Teenie girl: Omigod! Idea! Do you want to go rent a movie?
Her much older boyfriend: Sure. Have you seen The Firm?
Teenie girl: What is that, like a porno?
--Hershey store, Times Square
Overheard by: Just wanted some gummy bears
I Hear Jigsaw Loves Self-Destructive Gym Bunnies
Young woman: I really want a boyfriend who is mean, who can say that, "I'm gonna kill him" and then looks down at his hand, and that laughs.
Older woman nods.
Young woman: You know, like those villians in movies with that grin, not the crazy ones who laugh but the ones who grin.
--NYU gym locker room
Time for a New Wingwoman
Lady on train: What are you watching?
Overexcited man with portable DVD: The Da Vinci Code.
Lady: Oh! Cool! Is it good?
Overexcited man: It's EXCELLENT!
Lady: Oh -- I heard from people that the book was better.
Lady's friend: That's bullshit. She doesn't read.
--Penn Station, LIRR
Overheard by: Jordo VB
Wednesday One-liners Stock Up on Nair
Man with facial hair: You can only really pull off a Fu Man Chu if you're a cop, a gay porn star, or a pirate.
--Virgin Records, Times Square
Guy to his girlfriend: You are one hairy bastard
--78th & 1st
Wednesday One-liners, American Idols
Tourist: Oh my god! That's Maggie Gyllenhaal. She's like, actually walking down the street!
--Magnolia Bakery
Overheard by: Jessica Blackshear
JAP: Do not mention that freaking African queen and her recycled husband!
--The Prime Grill, 49th Street
Twentysomething woman on cell: I'm gonna be late because I had to walk Drew Barrymore's dog.
--in front of American Apparel, 7th Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Are Being Watched
Suit to other suit: They drive it through the city in milk trucks so that no one will know.
--6th between 55th & 56th
Overheard by: Ann M. Hetzel
Queer on cell: Sunday? Well, I hate to say this out loud on a cell phone where the authorities can hear, but. . . that's Tonys night.
--Broadway & 33rd, Astoria
Overheard by: lily carver
Guy: I went to high school with you. I was a senior when you were a freshman. I used to look at your pantylines in gym class.
--Kevin St. James, 46th & 8th
Except He Couldn't Get His Blowdryer Past the Metal Detector
Guy #1 to guy #2: Those sunglasses look really good on you. They go nicely with your complexion.
Guy #3: That was an amazingly Fab Five moment.
--Bronx Science
Finishing Together Should Be Easy by Now
Very old lady to husband: You asshole! YOU ASSHOLE! I hate you.
Old husband: Wha?
Old lady: You didn't wait for me, you fucking asshole.
--Clearview Cinemas, 62nd & 1st
Is There Anything She Doesn't Know?
Eva Amurri to hipster companion: My father was telling me the dangers of aspartame -- you know the stuff in Diet Coke? It's like a sugar. It was once registered as a chemical weapon.
Hipster companion: Yeah?
Eva Amurri: If there is any way to become a superhero, it has to be by drinking Diet Coke.
[later]
Eva Amurri to hipster companion: I can't remember how it ends... If he dies in a war or if Gatsby gets in a car crash, but he loves Daisy.
[later still]
Eva Amurri: Pasties are Band-Aids that only cover your nipples.
--Acela train leaving Penn Station
Overheard by: could you maybe namedrop your mom less, Miss Top-Volume-At-All-Times?
Effects Are Amazing These Days
Nebraska girl #1: It feels like it's raining.
Nebraska girl #2: I think it's coming from the set.
Pause
Nebraska girl #3: Where's it coming from?...Oh, it's actually raining.
--John St., near filming of Spiderman 3
Overheard by: Fishy
Strange How You Never See Them Together
Little boy #1: I'm telling you, Elvis lives, man.
Little boy #2: Where's my mom?
--187th & Ft. Washington
Overheard by: yum
The Very Spot Where They First Pitched Joey
Tween girl on tour #1: This hallway smells like a hospital.
Tween girl on tour #2: Yeah, it reminds me of my mom's wake.
Tween girl on tour #1: Yeah, mine too.
--NBC Studios, 30 Rock
The News Has Gotten So Boring Lately
Stoner #1: Yo, why did newsboys used to shout "Extra!" when they'd sell papers?
Stoner #2: I don't know... maybe the news was about.. like... X-Men... like, mutants...
Stoner #1: Yeah... true... maybe.
--University & 8th
Overheard by: Alyson Leigh
As Long as She's with Her People
Lady hobo: 'ey, you got the Boys Gone Crazy?
Cashier Dude You mean Girls Gone Wild?
Lady hobo: Yeah man, girls gone crazy, whatever, it'll do.
--Fantasy World, 7th Ave
My Heroes Have Always Been Dead
Teen girl #1: Hey, can I borrow your Nirvana CD to burn? My iPod erased my mp3s.
Teen girl #2: I wish I had it! I like, traded it away for a pack of cigarettes.
Teen girl #1: Woah... that's so, Kurt Cobain of you!
Teen girl #2: Hello. Totally why I did it.
--6 train
I Think She's Watching You
Kid #1, looking at the Mona Lisa on Da Vinci Code poster: Hey, look! It's her again!
Kid #2: Who is this lady? She's everywhere!
--Downtown 1 train
Overheard by: d.grace
A Two-Fister to the End
Guy: They have Bob Marley's last burrito -- just like the other place we went to.
Girl: Didn't he only have one last burrito?
--Burritoville, East Village
His Favorite Is The Two Towers
Hipster girl #1: Why would someone tell you that right after meeting you?
Hipster girl #2: Honestly, why can't you just say your favorite movie is The Lord of the Rings instead of Lord of the Rings porn?
--Bedford & South 2nd, Williamsburg
It's a Really Long Story
Tweenie boy #1: Michael Jackson SUCKS!
Tweenie boy #2: Well, did you hear his music when he was black?
Tweenie boy #1: Michael Jackson was black?!
--Central Park
Overheard by: nas
Time to Diss Him from the Cover of Elle
Girl #1: I just don't get it! He said they were just friends... But they were always hanging out. Then all of a sudden he dumps me!!
Girl #2: Girl friend, you've been Jolie'd!
--C train
That Really Gets My Goat
Woman: No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the Trix because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only supposed to be for kids.
Man: Well, I always thought it was just because he was a rabbit and not a person.
[A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.]
Man: What's wrong?
Woman: I'm just really getting tired of you always being wrong.
--Michael's Restaurant, Broadway & 34th St, Astoria
Wednesday One-liners, Baby Chic
Casting person: Ok, here's the problem, they don't wan't a baby with a huge head compared to his chest, nor do they want to see gross veins all over its chest. They want the fucking Gerber baby, ok?
--38th between 7th & 8th
Friend to new mother with infant: All babies look great in black. Did you know that?
--Madison & 91st
Overheard by: Kelly Smith
Woman: Actually, now that they've started talking, the twins are much less creepy.
--Central Park
Maybe He's Thinking of the Times Square Arcade
Guy #1: I told you we shoulda gone to Manattan.
Guy #2: No way. I don't see movies in Manhattan.
Guy #1: Why the hell not?
Guy #2: They shoot people there. It's all silent than someone shouts something and then everyone is shooting. It's scary.
--In line at Stadium 12, Court Street, Brooklyn
Nothing When You Have a Sony Contract
Six-year-old boy: The talent show is tomorrow.
Mother: Oh, are you doing anything?
Six-year-old boy: Yeah, 50 Cent.
Mother: Honey, that's a little inappropriate.
Six-year-old boy: What does inappropriate mean?
--2 train
Overheard by: Ana Orellano
No, That's the Guy Who Did Lord of the Cock Rings
Guy #1: Yeah, he's a pretty good director... what's his name again? The hobbit guy?
Guy #2: Uhhh...Peter something...
Guy #1: Yeah, Peter North! I love that guy's movies.
--AMC Empire 25, Times Square
I Call Him Redd Foxxy
Black guy #1: She wanted to suck my dick watching Sanford and Son at 2AM.
Black guy #2: White niggas don't understand the principle in that. There ain't nothing wrong with that.
--2nd & 1st
Overheard by: Errol Stairpath
Wednesday One-liners Have Cool Spiny Backs and Tiny Tiny Brains
Woman: That movie's so stupid! They got King Kong and the dinosaurs fighting even though they are from different centuries.
--Mama's Pizza, 106th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Kyle T
Teen girl: You know, I don't think I even believe in dinosaurs.
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: Paul
Signs of the Apocalypse
Girl #1: Hey are you going to go see The Da Vinci Code?
Girl #2: Yes! My pastor said it was alright as long as I watched The Passion of the Christ right after.
--Midwood High School
Overheard by: the half jewish kid in the corner
Try the Channel Below Law & Order
Guy #1: So what do you do now?
Guy #2: Grab some food, go home, have a shower, watch Cops...
Guy #1: There's no Cops on TV at this time.
Guy #2: There's always Cops on some channel, just switch from channel to channel and you can watch it 16 hours straight.
--Broadway & Montrose, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Olaf
Think of It More as Jesus's Shot Glass
Girl #1: So the entire time i'm watching this movie, I'm like, what is the Holy Grail? They never explain what it is. And I'm thinking it's probably like, some kind of trophy or something...? Like maybe a fashion trophy...? Or something...?
Girl #2: Uh huh.
Girl #1: Yeah but no, it turns it out it actually has to do with like, Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene or something.
Girl #2: So it was like... Jesus's trophy?
--H&M dressing room, 5th Ave
That Was Actually Just Simon's Booty Call
Guy setting up stage: Hey did American Idol confirm?
Other guy setting up stage: Yeah, Simon confirmed for 1:30 PM.
Tourist: Oh my God are you serious?!
Other guy: Hey Charlie, you were right, it is fun messing with the tourists!
--Ninth Avenue Street Fair
Two Kilos? She Wishes
Black guy: Two for Akeelah.
German girlfriend: What? What are you buying? Two kilos for what?
Black guy: No. Akeelah.
German girlfriend: I don't understand. Two kilos of what? That makes no sense.
Black guy, rolling his eyes: No! Akeelah! Akeelah!. Akeelah! Two for Akeelah!
German girlfriend: I still don't understand.
Black guy: Akeelah and the frickin' Bee!!!
German girlfriend: OHHHHH!
--Union Square Stadium 14, Broadway & 13th
Teenage Lobotomy, the Aftermath
Queer: Who's Joey Ramone?
Hipster girl: Oh my God, are you kidding me?
Queer: Uh, no. Who is he?
Hipster girl: He's a singer! He was like, in some huge band in the '80s!
Queer: What band?
Hipster girl: Um...
Queer: See? You don't know who the hell he is either. You don't even know what band he was in.
Hipster girl: It's on the tip of my tongue...
Queer: Sure.
Hipster girl: Oh well, I can't think of it. I think he's dead now anyway. Who cares.
--Irving Plaza
Overheard by: i hope they were joking
Maybe They Were Actually Cold
Rocker doof #1: Dude we're having this flannel party. We're totally going to like put on Neil Young and CCR videos and shit.
Rocker doof #2: Dude I saw this movie Hype about like grunge or whatever and everyone was wearing flannel... but it totally wasn't ironic!
--art opening, Kent & Metropolitan, Williamsburg
Wednesday One-Liners Should Be in a Museum
Teen: What's the big difference between this and the Holocaust Museum?
--Darwin Exhibit, Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Doug Gordon
Guy: And he just kept talking about masturbating in the Guggenheim.
--2nd Ave, between 4th & 5th
Overheard by: Bradford
MoMA security guard: No, we just have modern art here.
--MoMA
Overheard by: -=Ed.
In a De-luxe Apartment in the Sky
Two kids are looking at the Dove ad campaign showing Hanna-Barbera characters with new hairdos.
Kid #1: Yo, look at that Jetsons mom's hair.
Kid #2: What's the Jetsons?
Kid #1: You don't know the Jetsons? Dem's those niggas that live in space.
--N train going uptown
You Gotta Stop Coming Here, Craig
Daily Show warm-up guy: You all know who hosts this show, right?
Audience member: Craig Kilborn!
--The Daily Show studio
Overheard by: Brian Resler
Uggs Are So Over
Old lady leaving The Tony Danza Show #1: Grazie!
Old lady leaving The Tony Danza Show #2: Why didn't you wear the right shoes?
Old lady leaving The Tony Danza Show #1: No, no, these are fine.
Old lady leaving The Tony Danza Show #2: Aaaah, blow me. They're terrible.
--66th between Columbus & Central Park West
Overheard by: MojoSaves
She'll Be Here All Week
Woman: Hey, when's that movie Snakes on a Plane ever gonna come out?
Old man: What? What's that?
Woman: Maybe it's just a joke. Like the "L" in Samuel "el" Jackson's name. I think that's a joke too, like, what is he? Samuel "the" Jackson?
Old man: Who's that?
Woman: Just eat your hot dog, dad.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Kershinator
Still Waiting on the Karaoke Night
Girl #1: Yeah, so lately I've been really getting into African click songs.
Girl #2: Please don't demonstrate.
--Grand Central Station, Dining Concourse
The Trailers Will Go Down in History
Journalism professor: Can anyone, for extra credit, give me two words to describe this day that will go down in history?
Silence
Professor: I'll give you a clue -- it has to do with President Bush.
Random student: "Mission accomplished!"
Girl #1 to her friend: Mission Impossible? What does Tom Cruise have to do with Bush?
Girl #2: Yeah, I know, that movie isn't even out yet!
--Silver Center, NYU
I Thought Guys Liked Fishnets and Bitter Irony
Guy #1: Why are hipster chicks so unattractive?
Guy #2: Because if they were attractive they would be accused of conforming, and then they might even have to get excited about something....god forbid.
--5 train
In LA, This Passes for a Threat
Thug #1: ...and the next thing you know, you'll be doing Miss Congeniality 3.
Thug #2: Word.
--39th & 8th
Thinks Ella Fitzgerald Wrote The Great Gatsby
Tourist #1: You know that song that Billy Strayhorn wrote, called "Take The A Train"? He wrote it about taking the A train up to Harlem, and then he gave it to Duke Ellington. The rest is history.
Tourist #2: Who's Duke Ellington?
Tourist #1: Never mind!
--A train
Wednesday One-Liners Go to Mass
Guy: [something in Spanish]... how do you say "altar boy"? You know, the ones whose little dicks the priest sucks?
--7th & Ave A
Overheard by: Jenny B
And We Can Smell Enthusiasm
Tourist girl #1: Oh my God, I feel like I'm in Sex and the City!
Tourist girl #2: Shut up, the natives can hear you.
--Central Park station
Overheard by: Spazza McChicken
She's Bipartisan, But It's Just a Phase
Girl: Are you a conservative or a liberal?
Guy: I know all teenagers are supposed to be liberal, but I'm pretty conservative.
Girl: Oh my god, I know exactly what you mean. I was conservative until last week when I saw V for Vendetta. How hot is Natalie Portman?
--Bronx High School of Science
Well Baby, I Went Down and Got It For You
Guy: Hey, isn't that the painting from the Titanic?
Girlfriend: That is not even a possibility.
Guy: [looks confused] Well then, it's one of them. And look! It was made in 1917!
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
It's Because FTL Killed 40% of His Brain Cells
Guy #1: The horse?
Guy #2: SJP.
Guy #1: S...J...
Guy #2: Oh, for God's sake: Sarah Jessica Parker! Don't be so innuendo-challenged; nobody will invite you anywhere!
--Bedford & Clymer, Williamsburg
Bad Things Happen When You Teach Evolution
Guido #1: Tuna is not made from dolphins, bro.
Guido #2: I'm telling you, tuna fish is made from dolphins.
Guido #1: No way, bro, tuna are not dolphins!
Guido #2: Then what are they?
Guido #1: They're...chicken of the sea.
--9th St. Path Station
Overheard by: Kevin M
I Have to Catch Mackerel North from Clam Central Station
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no need to rush onto this train, pushing others and possibly risking a fall, an injury, or worse. This is a 6 train and at this time of day there will be another 6 train every 5 minutes, so there is no need to risk injury... There will be another 6 train coming in 5 minutes. What do you think this is, the Tunaville Trolley? This is the 6 train!
--6 train
Duh, Kennedy's Buried Under the Kennedy Center
Guido: Hey you talk to me like that again, and I'll talk to my people, who'll talk to your people. And I'll have you buried under Yankee Stadium with JFK.
Other guy: Don't you mean under Giants Stadium with Jimmy Hoffa?
Guido: Whatever!
--Madison Square Garden
It Depends on Whether He's Serious
Drunk queer: I'm not a fucking asshole! Just because I said I didn't like Shania Twain, I'm an asshole?!
--11th & 3rd
Wednesday One-liners is Fundamental
Man: With this many books you are almost certain to make a mistake in your choice.
--The Strand
Overheard by: Jill A.
We Come Full Circle
Girl #1: Oh my god! I just heard that Katie Holmes had her baby! Katie Holmes had her baby, everyone!
Girl #2: Xenu commands you to shut the fuck up while I'm on the phone with my dealer.
--6th Avenue & West 4th Street
Overheard by: Robin M.
(cf. When we broke this story.)
The One Who Doesn't Know Her Place
Little girl: Do you have HBO DIRECTV?
Little boy: I don't know.
Little girl: If you have HBO, you do. My favorite movie is on there: Titanic. It's about a girl who loves a boy and they're all frozen at the end.
Little boy: Who gets slapped?
--F train
Overheard by: stephanie k
I Like When She Eats the Carrion
Teen girl #1: Bitches be dissin' on Disney Channel.
Teen girl #2: Yeah.
Teen girl #1: But you know them bitches be runnin' home to watch That's So Raven.
Teen girl #2: It's 7:15.
Teen girl #1: Shit, we gonna miss it.
--4 train
Overheard by: Noah Gallagher
She's Game&Watchinese
Guy: But you're my Asian...
Girl: I don't know. You haven't been feeding me lately.
Guy: You're not a Tamagatchi!
Girl: Maybe I am.
--Tisch School of the Arts, Broadway & Waverly
Overheard by: Dan O'Connor
God Will Never Fix Him Now
Crazy guy: I give you Jesus!
Blind man: Is that Mel Gibson? You nitwit!
--97th & Broadway
She Listened to Michael Jackson
Guy #1: Who is that playing?
Guy #2: Norah Jones.
Guy #1: Isn't she the one who started something?
Guy #2: Started what?
Guy #1: Like didn't she stand up on a bus?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
You Can Totally See Up HerSpace
Girl #1: I don't have a boyfriend.
Professor guy: Sure, sure, sure..I can go on MySpace.com and find out the truth.
Class: Ha, ha, ha!
Professor guy: What? You think we don't know about MySpace?
Girl #2: She has a picture of herself in underwear on hers!
--FIT
This is More of a Bodega Conversation
Italian lady: I think soemtimes I even like coming grocery shopping more for the music they play than the food selection they have.
Spanish guy: Eh, they never have any reggaeton.
Italian lady: Oh, are you sure it's not in the pasta section?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
My Money's on Julie the Horse-faced Girl
Crazy guy: Jodie Foster is a top notch actress!
Girl: Okay.
Crazy guy: Julia Roberts is going down!
Girl: Are they going to fight?
--Shubert Theater, West 44th Street
They're Equally As Funny
Man #1: Yeah, so all comedians are Jewish. Jon Stewart, David Blaine--
Girl: He's Jewish? God, I totally want to have sex with David Blaine.
Man #2: Do magicians count as comedians?
--B11 bus
Now It's "Intentional"
Girl: I really enjoy going to movies by myself these days. Most of the guys I date, we don't have same taste in movies.
Guy: That's a great idea. Plus, you don't get some weirdo trying to
"inadvertantly" place your hand on his cock.
--L train
Overheard by: Vivian
There Go the First Two Rules
Drunk guy #1: Let's start the East Village Fight Club.
Drunk guy #2: I'm in.
Drunk guy #1: The only rule of this particular fight club is you have to let your victim know you are beating the crap out of them for being too hip.
--7B, Avenue B
WWMJD (What Would Miss J. Do?)
Mom: Honey, smile!
Teen girl: Supermodels don't smile.
--Central Park
Overheard by: D. Lowy
Girl #1: Let's take a picture! It'll be cute! Hee, hee, hee.
Girl #2: No way! I just ate!
--65th & Madison
Overheard by: gabe wigrom
Wednesday One-liners Need an Adapter
Girl: Do you know they make cameras without film now?
--L train
Rapunzel's Wednesday One-liners
Bag lady: Hey, you guys, can you help me out? I'm really hungry!...You need a dye job, you know! Your roots are showing.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Drew
Wednesday One-liners Spell It "Aminals"
Guy: ...and he had, like, shark teeth! Three fucking rows of them! I swear.
--Fulton & Gold
Wednesday One-liners Hit the Premiere
Guy: The thing about Cronenberg is that you have to appreciate him in
context to what he does...which is often unappreciable.
--Belmont Lounge, East 15th Street
Bird Flu is Also a Trend
Girl: Do you sell tights with feet?
Store chick: Sorry, we only sell stuff that's trendy.
--Urban Outfitters, 14th & 6th
Overheard by: Amusled
It's Too Bad He's Dead Now
Girl #1: Foods do not make attractive accessories...We are not a society of Homer Simpsons
Girl #2: Homer didn't have food accessories.
Girl #1: But don't you think he'd have liked them?
--L train
Overheard by: Kitty
V for Velveeta
Guy: So I was invited to a party at Natalie Portman's apartment, and--
Girl: Natalie Portman from The Facts Of Life?
--46th & Vanderbilt
Overheard by: longtimelistener
He Read That Time Machine Book
Chick: Did you ever watch wrestling?
Guy: I used to watch it back when it was real.
--2nd & 2nd
Never Forget
Woman #1: God, that was so funny when all of those Nazis walked into the courtroom and their hairstyles were like Hitler's!
Man: Well, I mean, it makes sense, I guess. You know, people always copy famous people when it comes to stuff like that.
Woman #2: Yeah, like remember when I had that terrible Dorothy Hamill haircut?
--Houston Street station
Wednesday One-liners Turn Up the Radio
Tween girl: The thing most people don't get about techno is, it's so emotional.
--76th & 2nd
Overheard by: Rachel
Wednesday One-liners Flick the Clicker
Chick: She's like a human Muppet...But not sexually.
--Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: John Auld
Klingons Are Less Wrinkled
Old man #1: I must have my cloaking device on today! Ha, ha.
Old man #2: Get the fuck out of my way, asshole.
Old man #1: Damn Klingons.
--D'Agostino, Greenwich Street
Overheard by: nick
Seems the Rancor is Alive
Dad: Do you think I want to talk about princesses 24 hours a day?
Little girl: No.
Dad: What do you think I want to talk about?
Little girl: Star Wars.
--Rector & Greenwich
In a New York State of Mind
Woman #1: Don't you hate taking the train so early in the morning? I take it every day.
Woman #2: Could you not talk to me?
--A train
Overheard by: aida
They Started at the Mystery Section
Girl: Excuse me, do you have any biographies of TuPac?
Library guy: Probably, though they'd be with the other biographies on the second floor.
Dude: But isn't this the fiction section?
Library guy: It is. You might be able to find some books about him in non-fiction.
Girl: "Non-fiction"?
Library guy: Non-fiction means true.
Dude: ...And fiction means false.
Library guy: Sort of.
Girl: So if it's in non-fiction then that means he must still be alive.
Library guy: I don't think you understand.
--Brooklyn Public Library, Grand Army Plaza
Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
They Were Seeing Red
Chick #1: There was too much talking in that movie and not enough action.
Chick #2: Yeah. It was all like too much communism and shit.
--AMC Empire 25, West 42nd Street
Overheard by: Nico Westerdale
Only If It's Decaf
Security lady #1: I don't think I never met an Amish person.
Security lady #2: Ain't that Marie Osmond an Amish? Yeah, she's an Amish person.
Security lady #1: If she's Amish, why is she allowed to wear so much makeup? They can't wear makeup, right?
--LaGuardia
Football Teams Do It All the Time
Teen girl #1: Oh my god, I wanna be on Made!
Teen girl #2: Like the tv show?
Teen girl #1: But everything has been done already.
Teen girl #3: They could make you into a lesbian.
--4 train
They Also Watch Their Kids Get Eaten
Girl: Hey, what's this about?
Guy: Uh, it's a documentary.
Girl: So they just march around?
--Borders, Time Warner Center
Overheard by: JHA
"Thank you for being a friend!"
Chick #1: Who's that actress who plays Blanche Devereaux?
Chick #2: Rue McClanahan!
Chick #1: Okay, you can say it. You're not drunk enough yet.
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Winnie Cooper
"Who's Gould?"
B&T girl: Oh my god, is that Kramer?
B&T guy: Oh yeah, hey, I think it is.
Man: That's Elliott fucking Gould.
--Katz's Deli, Houston Street
"We were in Narnia; her wardrobe malfunctioned."
Guy #1: So, I had this dream about Janet Jackson last night.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: She told me, "Mitch, get your shit together".
--9th Street & 1st Avenue
What's the Catch?
Chick #1: We can watch Lackawanna Blues tonight.
Chick #2: I can't watch another black movie. I watched one last night.
Chick #1: What'd you watch last night?
Chick #2: Hitch.
--Office, Wall & William
Wednesday One-liners Belong in a Zoo
Girl: Yeah, so, did you hear that the bald eagle isn't extinct anymore?
--Central Park
Getting Stroked (A NYC Short Story)
Hipster guy #1: Oh my god, fuck the Strokes! I'm here for Eagles of Death Metal! Yeah! Ha, ha! Fuck, I love eagles but I hate death metal!
Hipster girl: Where's Julian? Where's Julian?
Hipster guy #2: Shut the fuck up guys, this lead singer's fuckin' Dave Grohl or some shit!
--Hammerstein Ballroom, West 34th Street
Girl: Was it wrong that I totally didn't enjoy that at all?
Guy: Uh...
Girl: I mean it was like every song is exactly the same and they're just a bunch of 6 1/2 foot tall guys in leather jackets.
--34th between 8th & 9th
One Guess Where They're Staying
Grandma: Who is that? What's the commotion about?
Teen girl: It's Paris Hilton.
Grandma: Who is that?
Teen girl: She's a media blowjob, Nana. Let's get a move on, we're
late and Daddy's waiting for us at the hotel.
--41st & 6th
Overheard by: Brian Otano
Wednesday One-liners Flip Channels
Guy on pay phone: Hey Tom, it's Jerry.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Matthew Suss
Meanwhile, Mary Jo Looks Like Two-Face
Woman #1: Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Amy Fisher?
Woman #2: No.
Woman #1: Well, you do. I mean what she did was wrong and all, but she was a beautiful woman, so are you.
--6 train