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Psych! I Know You Used to Have a Career.
David Lee Roth: Hey, kid, you want a ticket to Van Halen?
20-something: Sure, sounds good.
David Lee Roth: Psych! Get the fuck out of here, kid.
Bouncer, to 20-something: You know that was David Lee Roth, right?
20-something, turning to David Lee Roth: Holy shit, you're the guy from the Adam Sandler song!
--Outside Scores, 60th & 1st
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
If You Can't Torment Your Kids, Who Can You Torment?
WASP lady: Look, Dylan! We're in the subway! It's subterranean -- that means we're going to see those subterranean guys!
Five-year-old: Subterranean guys? Whaaat?!
WASP lady: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! [Puts scarf over eyes, like a mask.]
Five-year-old: Holy shit, my god! Fuck nooo!
--Penn Station
It's Best We Lower Our Expectations for Him Early
Father buying lightsaber: Just drop it! He wanted this one!
Mother: But it's the dark side! You're not supposed to join the dark side!
--Toys "R" Us
... Surrounded by Kids with Heart Disease
Old Brit, pointing to float: Who is that?
Wife: Oh, come on, Bill.
Old Brit: No, really. Is it Joey the Clown or something?
Wife: It's a symbol of America!
Old Brit: [Confused silence.]
Wife: It's Ronald McDonald!
--Macy's Parade, Columbus Circle
Wait 'Til He Starts Taking Off His Clothes
Hobo: Why did Freddy kill Martin Luther King, Jr.? Because he had a dream!
Suit: It doesn't get much better than this.
--1 train
Overheard by: okredtrain
Here's Hoping He Has a Separate Tutor
Six-year-old boy with SpongeBob toyboy: SpongeBob.
Nanny: SpongeBob?! You ain't bringin SpongeBob in my house! What is it, anyway? A slice o' cheese?
--L train, Bedford
Overheard by: jake
Stop Singing and Lick Me
Chubby chick #1: Oh my god, you know who I look like and who I sound like? I saw like this really, really old CD of Barbara Cook, and she's so much fatter than me, but we sing exactly alike! [Sings.]
Chubby chick #2: I don't really think I look like anybody. That's not true -- I look like a Gummi Bear.
--Starbucks, 52nd & Lex
I Thought Those Weren't Allowed in the Military?
Mohawk teen: Not like a Barbie -- it's like a real short midget, but skinny and hairier.
Five-year-old girl: Like G.I. Joe?
Mohawk teen: G.I. Joe isn't hairy, he's just a man-Barbie with guns.
--18th St station
Overheard by: tom
Then How Come Your Wallet's Missing and Your Coat Peed On?
Teen daughter: I love the city. I can easily live here.
Mom: You don't know anything about this city. Keep walking.
Teen daughter: Mom, I know enough. I drink Starbucks and loved Sex and the City.
--31st & 7th
Why Is There a Penis on His Utility Belt?
Nine-year-old boy #1 looking at mannequin in sex shop: Batman! B
Nine-year-old boy #2: Batman -- that's so cool!
Nine-year-old boy #1: Bat-maaan! Bat-maaan!
--Orchard & Rivington
Overheard by: Amanda
Just Because They Keep Putting Bugs Down Their Pants?
Man, about others yelling in street: Yo! This is just like reality TV, man!
Passerby: You mean reality is?
Man: Uh...
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Maggie
Here's Hoping They Make It to Saturn
Jazz dude #1: Where is Sun Ra buried?
Jazz dude #2: Dude... Road trip!
--Virgin Megastore, Union Square
Overheard by: Abram
Meet the Producers of Boy Band Sodomy School
Queer #1: In Japan they have all these boy bands, and they all come out of this, like, big boy band academy. It's like a school.
Queer #2: God. Wouldn't it be great if they gave tours?
Queer #1: We could Google it.
--R train
When Are You Not?
Barista #1: Dude, that would be awesome.
Barista #2: That's crap. That would look stupid, and I will give you 50 bucks if you find me one!
Barista #1: Deal.
Customer: What are you guys talking about?
Barista #2: Human cheetah man.
--Tea Lounge, Union St
Wednesday One-Liners Wear Taped Glasses
Guy to cooks: So, do you guys just sit around all night making up medieval names for each other?
--Pizza shop, 2nd Ave & St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: mangledorf
Nerd on cell: I waited five years to get a girlfriend, and I finally got one and I just couldn't take it!
--Dunkin' Donuts, 14th St
Overheard by: Jo
Chick on cell: Whoa, did I just refer to Voldemort in a romantic context? What is happening to me?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Dork: Wow, 200 points of magic! Well, that would truly be a day of sorcery.
--LIRR
NYU student: So, Yoda is more masculine than Sophocles?
--NYU
Overheard by: waphle
They Won't Know Why It Mattered
Teen girl #1: I don't think people understand the gravity of the situation. Nobody seems excited. We're in an actual Springfield Kwik-E-Mart!
Teen girl #2: I know. When I tell my grandkids I went to a Kwik-E-Mart [trails off]...
--7-Eleven/Kwik-E-Mart near Times Square
I Know What You Did in College, Dad
Little girl: Daddy, are there people inside the big balloons?
Father: Only in Scooby-Doo. He's a carnivore.
--77th & Columbus
Wednesday One-Liners Are So Fucking Glad It's Over
Conductor: This is Prince Street. Not Half-blood Prince Street, but Prince Street.
--N train
Overheard by: she later invited the passengers to debate whether snape was a criminal or a hero
30-year old fan: ... And then he sprinkled magic dust over her throbbing vagina...
--Book release, Spring & Mercer
Overheard by: santos l. halper
Man to five-year-old son: Yeah, you know Harry Potter is now in this play in London where he plays a naked guy that has sex with horses? Comin' to Broadway soon.
--Harry Potter Pl on Mercer St
Overheard by: i don't THINK that's how it goes actually...
Girl glancing at boy reading Deathly Hallows: Does Frodo die?
--Strings Attached Theater Company's performance of Life As We Know It
Can You Explain His Bowl Full of Jelly?
Old man: Hey, little girl, you dropped something.
Four-year-old girl to mom: I thought you said Santa Claus wasn't real!
--Times Square
Overheard by: sitting in a bush
Suckled by Big, Bad Wolves
NYU professor: So, you don't know who Robin Hood is or who the three little piggies are? Really? Where did you grow up?
Student: The Bronx.
--Politics class, NYU
Overheard by: jmd
And Not on TV
Man: We'll be the opposite of the Cosby family.
Woman: Yeah -- white!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Lauren
Two Voices, a Single Dream
Girl #1, into phone: No, we're in Brooklyn. Yeah, Spot Collins's territory.
Girl #2: I cannot believe you just made a Newsies reference.
Girl #1: Bitch, please -- you do it all the time.
--17th & 4th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: me too
Good to See Folks Keeping That Line Alive
Lady #1: ... And I know he still wants me just by seeing the way he looks at me still.
Lady #2: But he told me he's done wit' you!
Lady #1: Look, when it's late at night and he ain't got nothin' to do, who is he gonna call? Not the Ghostbusters!
--6 train
Overheard by: Ari
You're Both Right!
Old queen #1: I always thought that Dick Cavett was such a little asshole.
Old queen #2: I always found him to be downright delightful!
--Edison Diner, 47th St
Overheard by: I like Dick
How Do You Explain That Martha Stewart's Alive?
Child: Look, Mommy, that lady looks like Daddy's computer.
Mother: Which one?
Child: The one he has in his office.
--Seaman & Cumming
Important Safety Tip -- Thanks, Crackarella
Bus driver: I have a headache.
Female passenger: It's the color television. It messes with your brain and gives you headaches. I watch it wearing sunglasses so it doesn't affect me.
--BX 12 bus
It's Art If I Say It Is, Damn It!
Girl: I can't believe you did that! Why would you erase one of my songs from my computer?
Boy: Because I hate Jack Johnson! Anyway, you've erased some of my art on the computer.
Girl: Do you mean those pictures you took of yourself scowling with no shirt on?
--13th & Ave A
Overheard by: Lark
Surrendering to Your Fate Will Be Sweet, Though
Girl: It's this way.
Guy: Are you sure?
Girl: I know where all the Jamba Juice is.
Guy: Are.
Girl: What?
Guy: Are. You know where all the Jamba Juice are.
Girl: Is.
Guy: Are! Each franchise is a separate entity!
Girl: Is! They're all part of single collective!
Guy: Jamba Juice is not the Borg!
--50th & Broadway
Which Reminds Me -- We Need to Shop for Staples
Yuppie: You know, that's a very expensive beer you're not drinking.
Girlfriend: Can't we have one night where you don't quote American Psycho?
Yuppie: Oh, he bought her Chardonnay. Don't worry, I'm not a Chardonnay guy.
Girlfriend: Whatever. Just don't nail-gun me in my sleep tonight. Again.
--Iggy's on Rivington
Wait, Are You Describing the Movie or the Party?
Dude: I saw that movie at that sex party -- the one where Jim got a blowjob by a chick that was not his girlfriend.
Chick: Oh my god, that sounds awesome -- I love it already!
Dude: I know, it's awesome!
--LaGuardia & W 3rd
And Violate the Prime Directive?
Hipster guy: The Trekkies have yet to produce their own serial murderer.
Hipster girl: Yeah, that we know about...
--St. Mark's Pl & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: The Doifter
Otherwise Known As the Super Ego
Teacher: Today we are going to learn about Sigmund Freud. Do you know who Sigmund Freud was?
Student: Was he on Oprah?
--105th & 3rd
Try Pretending It Doesn't Matter
Eight-year-old son: Dad, I can't even tell the Ninja Turtles apart! They all look the same, they just have different bandages and stuff.
Dad: Well, do you know their names?
Son: Uhhh... There's the blue one... Armadillo?
--Washington Heights
Overheard by: hero in a half shell
Wednesday One-Liners Used the Rhythm Method
Girl: Last time you told me something was overrated I got pregnant.
--Sephora, Broadway
Overheard by: linzz
Guy: ... So then she changed her middle name to something like "Afterbirth..."
--Spring St
Overheard by: boston bobby
College guy on cell: He was like, 'Shit, she's got a bun in the oven!' And I was like, 'Oh, shit!'
--Columbia University
Overheard by: roo
Chick: She said he talked to her on the phone and that's how he got her pregnant.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Wondering how that works
Preggers: I'm gonna across this street against the light, pregnant and all, and I'm not gonna have a miscarriage.
--Eastern Pkwy & Classon Ave, Crown Heights, Brooklyn
Employee to another: I only gained two pounds during my pregnancy, and I'm on my seventh month!
--Burger King, 5th Ave, between 36th & 37th
Overheard by: EE Grimshaw
NYU girl on cell: ... So then the doctor comes in and he goes, 'Houston, we have a problem..." I know, right? What's with doctors trying to be all funny when they're telling you that you're pregnant?
--NYU bus
Overheard by: tj
Clearly, I'm Hanging Out in the Wrong Places
Bimbette #1: Oh my god, shamans are, like, so in right now!
Bimbette #2: Really?!
Bimbette #1: Yeah! Like, every day I wake up and it's like, shaman-this and shaman-that.
--50th & 6th
False Advertising Undermines All Civilization
Thug #1: Yo, when I go to McDonald's I don't just want a fuckin' Number One with a mothafuckin' Coke. I want a Number One, a Coke, and a mothafuckin' smile.
Thug #2: Word.
--Q train platform, Union Square
Overheard by: Audrey Monaco
It's Not Reparations, But I'll Take What I Can Get
Black guy: Yeah man! You could jump in the tracks right now!
White guy: Are you sure the subway Superman will appear?
Black guy: Trust me, I'm sure.
--W 4th St station
Overheard by: ron cabrera
Headline by: Earl
Runners-Up:
· "...like WMD sure... or Jesus sure?" - k swin
· "Able to convince morons in a single sentence" - Erin
· "Another Supporter of Urban Darwinism" - ToddS
· "He'll show up in 15 minutes with a spatula and a bucket of bleach" - Rob
· "It's a Bird! It's a Plane! Ah Fuck, It's a Train." - Justin
· "Kunta Kinte's Revenge" - micah576
· "Malcom X's Plan B" - Chris
· "That cold-death feeling just means he's got you" - Leigh
· "Thinning the herd, Manhattan-style" - Tom Beckett
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Batman and Robin Was the Greater Tragedy
Blonde: I think I'm going to donate money to that thing George Clooney was talking about.
Friend: What?
Blonde: Darfur.
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Overheard by: betty machete
Un Film de Wednesday One-Liners
Russian guy on cell: I went to see Saw III. Best movie ever -- the girl in front of me fainted in the beginning of the movie! Five minutes into the movie she just fainted, and her boyfriend started calling for help. I called an ambulance, they took her away... That movie was awesome!
--Brooklyn-bound Q train
Overenthusiastic male student: Oh! I met Borat! He goes to NYU, right?
--Hunter College
Guy to everyone in theater: Shhh, I'm recording this!
--Movie theater, Court St, Brooklyn
Blonde: Yeah, so I watch Brokeback Mountain like it's my Bible. I hang on every word, 'cause I really want to know how gay people talk.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Stina
Guy on cell: 28 Days was just stupid. Zombies aren't like that. Dawn of the Dead is the most realistic portrayal of zombies I've ever seen!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Philip Niosi
Chick to hipsters: I did my first autopsy to The Wizard of Oz.
--The Village, near Mulberry
Overheard by: DC Diva
They Always Have Candy!
Blonde: We need to cover loads of ground if we want an agent to poach us.
Friend: Why can't we just go pay for one?
Blonde: They totally just walk the streets looking for hot people and pay them to become models.
Friend: And what are the odds we are gonna just run into one?
Blonde: Trust me, they're everywhere. They drive around in vans looking for people to audition.
Friend: Please tell me you haven't been picked up by one of these 'agents' before!
--Brooklyn Heights Promenade
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No... 40 grand, and I'll suck your dick.
--Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can't teach you anything if you don't practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
--78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya'll!
--2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That's NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, 'Are you on Restless?' And I was like, 'Yeah,' and then she dropped to her knees!
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you're married, and I don't need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
--Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
Because My Son Plays with Barbies, and He's Certainly Not Gay
Woman #1: Well, I have a nephew who's still 10 and enjoys playing with Barbies and likes to cook. Who knows? Maybe he'll turn out to be gay.
Woman #2: Wait, are most cooks gay? I don't think so...
--Near United Nations
Overheard by: Brooklyn Dodgy
The New Title Will Be Vomit Victor
Guy #1: Why is it even called 'Fear Factor'? It has nothing to do with fear... It's just gross.
Guy #2: Yeah, really. It should be called 'Gross-out Factor.'
Guy #1: Think about it. It's not like people are scared of eating... like... intestines. It's just gross. People aren't like, 'Ahhh, intestines!'
Guy #2: Yeah, it's not like I wake up in a cold sweat to intestines...
--R train
His Archenemy Is a Severely Progressive Tax Structure
Older brother teaching the finer points of comic books: Yeah, Batman's really cool. Best thing about him -- he doesn't have superpowers, so he's really an ordinary guy.
Younger brother: Wow, no superpowers?
Older brother: Well, apart from being super rich.
--F train to Queens
He Wants a Shot at Batman and the Title
Guy #1 looking at picture of Santa Claus 3: Dude, that's Aquaman!
Guy #2: No, that's Jack Frost.
Guy #1: No, it totally looks like Aquaman.
Guy #2: No, it doesn't!
Guy #1: It's gotta be him.
Guy #2: Why would Santa Claus be fighting Aquaman? Why the hell would he be fighting Aquaman?
--4th floor Hunter North, Hunter College
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Conventional Violence Solves Everything
Hipster #1: I think he just wanted to go out in the street and have a hipster fight about it.
Hipster #2: What is that? They see who can eat the least amount of food?
Hipster #3: No, they see who can squeeze into the tiniest pants.
Hipster #1: That's funny, but I don't see how that solves anything.
Hipster #3: Whatever -- fucking hipsters.
--Crash Mansion on Bowery
Star... Something... Something
Teen boy #1: No, the gold one is called 'CD3' or something. The little one is, like, 'R4M23.'
Teen boy #2: I think the gold robot was named 'R3DM24.' It was the small one that was 'C-something.'
Teen boy #3: No, man, the gold guy was 'C3DDO,' and the little silver one was 'RH52' or some shit.
Frustrated