I Don't Know Nothin' 'bout Birthin' No Movie

Tourist: What's the name of the movie?
Busy cameraman: Gone with the Wind, Part Two.
Tourist, walking away: Well, that's a smart-ass answer.

--Movie set, 53rd & Broadway

Overheard by: crew sympathizer

Who Wants to See a Horror Movie Where No One Dies?

Hipster, after a preview: Why would anyone want to see that? There's no white people in it.
Girlfriend: Shhh!
Hipster: What?

--Landmark Sunshine Cinema, E Houston

These Days, My Intelligence Is Globally Distributed

Guy: I liked it. What'd you think?
Date: It was okay, I guess. I don't know about the ending, though.
Guy: Well, I'm pretty sure it has some deeper meaning. I'll have to check some message boards and find out.

--Regal Cinemas, Union Square

We Are Wise to Avoid Things That Cause Us Pain

Tourist: Are you shooting a movie? Is that what all this is for?
Production assistant: Yes.
Tourist: Which movie? Is it a new one? Who's in it?
Production assistant: It's a new Adam Sandler movie. It's called--
Tourist: --Oh. Never mind. [Walks away.]

--Columbus Circle entrance to Central Park

Overheard by: Sweaty running boy

Curtis, Do You Think We're... Gay?

Man #1: That's the second Korean movie that has ever made me cry.
Man #2: Oh, yeah. Lots of 'em do. I mean, if you see enough of them, a lot of them do.

--12th & University

Overheard by: James

Like Picasso, Our Views on Art Will Never Be Accepted in Our Day

Punk girl #1: Man, the Metro said Spider-Man 3 sucked!
Punk girl #2: Yeah, I know, girl... The Metro says everything sucks. All movies suck according to it...
Punk girl #1: But Spider-Man 3 was amazing!
Punk girl #2: I know! The Metro also said You Got Served sucked... What the hell was up with that?

--Stuyvesant Town

Wasn't That the Original Premise of The View?

Bimbette #1: Oh my god, did you see that new movie?
Bimbette #2: Wait, what new movie?
Bimbette #1: You know. Ugh, what's it called? It's the one with Jessica Alba.
Bimbette #2: Um, Fantastic 4?
Bimbette #1: Yeah! There's only three, though, so I don't know why it's called Fantastic 4. It should be called 'Fantastic 3 Plus a Blob.'

--E 33rd & Lex

Overheard by: Kris

When Even Nerds Get Age-Vain, What Chance Do We Have?

Pushing-40 nerd #1: Dude, the Matrix trilogy is like the original Star Wars trilogy for my generation.
Pushing-40 nerd #2: Whatever, man. Dude, you're, like, 38. The original Star Wars trilogy is the Star Wars trilogy of your generation.
Pushing-40 nerd #1: Fuck you.

--Javits Center

You Got All That from Happy Feet?

Chick: I liked it. It wasn't like, 'Aw, too bad, it's the Holocaust.' It was more like, 'Yeah! The Holocaust!'
Friend: Plus, it didn't make me feel guilty about thinking Nazis are hot.

--AMC Theatres

Overheard by: Kelly

The Movie That Made New York What It Is Today

Man, slamming on hood of taxi inching forward: Hey! I'm walkin' here! [Turns to people behind him] Where's that from?
Lady passerby: Midnight Cowboy!

--50th & Broadway

She's Probably Hearing the Siren Song of the Catholic Church

Fag hag: So, how's your hot cousin?
Queer: He's dating this girl now... She's cute, tall... Looks like Katie Holmes -- has the same look on her face.
Fag hag: What look is that?
Queer: You know -- sad.

--Nederlander Theatre

Overheard by: Crazy Legs Freddy

I Liked the Music, but Not the Sodomy

Boyfriend: I used to really love South Pacific.
Girlfriend: Of course you did.
Boyfriend: I think I used to be gay when I was little.

--Manhattan-bound N train

... About the Last White House Christmas Party

Dude #1: Hey, how do you say 'brains' in German?
Dude #2: I don't know. Why?
Dude #1: I need it for that movie I'm making -- 'Nazi Zombies.'

--Barnes & Noble, 8th & 6th

Well You Didn't Want to See Dumb and Dumber

Black teen #1: Yo, let's go see Blood Diamond.
Black teen #2, with African accent: No, I told you -- I don't want to see that.
Black teen #1: What are you talkin' 'bout, don't wanna see it? Nigga, you're in it!

--Loews, Lincoln Center

These Wednesday One-Liners Are Not Yet Rated

Sixth grade boy reading list of movies to himself: Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Men in tights... Men in tights... I don't know what the movie is about, but I like the title.

--Middle school, Park Slope

Angry dude: I can't believe no place in all of New York City has this fucking movie. You can get anything in this city. Anything. If I wanted to get two midget strippers who'd let me do rails of coke off their asses tonight, I would be able to, but I can't get this one fucking movie!

--St. Mark's Pl

Hipster: I'm sorry, but there's just never going to be a movie starring a midget.

--14th & 1st

Overheard by: Peter Dinklage, The Station Agent

Hipster dude: So I woke up, watched a movie, watched a movie, watched a movie, watched a movie, went out to the movies, came home, and watched another movie. I love movies. But then I had to sleep on my futon, and I woke up to a dog peeing on my head.

--R train

Asian chick to preggers friend: It would be so cool if your water broke during the movie.

--IMAX Theater

Overheard by: I don't think it would be...

I Can Send You to a Blockbuster, but I Charge a Finder's Fee

Chinese lady hawker: DVD! DVD! DVD!
Southerner lady: Do y'all have The Sound of Music?
Chinese lady hawker: New DVD only! Charlotte Web! New James Bond!
Southerner lady: They just get everything first in New York, don't they? So... Y'all don't have The Sound of Music?

--Canal St

Overheard by: Miss Megan

What Is It with That Movie?

Bimbette: Oh my god, I'm so horny.
Friend: Did you just see Josh or something?
Bimbette: No, I just watched Newsies!
Friend: Without me?
Bimbette: It was sort of a one-on-one Newsies experience.
Friend: I totally understand... Dancing preteen boys...

--NYU

Overheard by: Kelly

I Locked the Gryffindor and Hung by My Tits from the Ravenclaws While Slytherin' My Hufflepuff

Boyfriend: So you went home, drank two Smirnoff Ices, watched Harry Potter one and a half times, and masturbated twice?
Girlfriend: Yep.

--City Hall Park

Headline by: Lord Pervdevert

Runners-Up:
· "Nice." - ImmaculatePizza
· "And That's Why You Couldn't Meet My Parents?" - Gerard
· "Best 13th Birthday Ever" - downtown
· "Just Another Night for JK Rowling" - Suzy
· "Rookie" - 6th Floor Blogger
· "Underage or Underloved?" - em


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Tough Talk from a Girl Who Paid to See The Lake House

Chick with headset directing sidewalk traffic: Excuse me. Please cross the street here... You can't pass here...
20-ish chick: What are you guys filming?
Chick with headset: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.
20-ish chick: Hahaha! That shit sucks! Hahaha!

--E 8th St & University Pl

Portrait of a Man Wondering If She's Worth It

Drunk chick: Oh my god, you look like the last tsunami!
Guy with really short hair: What?
Drunk chick: I said you look like that last tsunami guy in the Tom Cruise movie!
Guy with really short hair: You mean The Last Samurai?
Drunk chick: Oh, yeah. Him.

--Party, 46th & 8th

This nigga on Overheard

Thug #1: We don't even go to the movies or nothin'. She just comes over to smash it and then she leaves. She knows, too. She just comes over for some pipin'.
Thug #2: That's where it's at.
Thug #1: She got a 10-year-old li'l nigga, too. She knows not to ask for somethin' serious. That li'l nigga in fifth grade! That nigga on MySpace!

--Houston & Suffolk

Overheard by: Rhymes With Lasagna

Headline by: ja

Runners-Up:
· "...And "To Catch A Predator"" - Stuck in the MidWest
· "He Comes Over for Some Pipin' Too." - Courtney
· "I Just Have to Wait for Her to Be in Eigth." - Snark Sloper
· "That Li'l Nigga Gots Roast Beef and This Li'l Nigga Gots None." - johnnyb
· "The Nucular Family" - Bill
· "The Waltons, 2007" - G'night, John Boy


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Doctor's Note

Chick to another: She's a weed-smoking, modern orthodox girl. I mean, I don't think she goes to her rabbi's high, but...

--Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: cole

Professor: ... So the art department on the set just smokes pot all day and paints blue boulders.

--Media Productions class, City College

Mini thug: Yo, I wouldn't even have to be high out of my mind to enjoy this shit!

--Brooklyn Cyclone, Coney Island

Overheard by: Alie

Smoking model on cell: Um, yeah, he's cute... But, duh -- he's addicted to opiates!

--Houston & Laffayette

Overheard by: Jake

Hobo to girls: How are you smiling in a city filled with a million crackheads?

--56th & 5th

Guy on a rant in front of Imagine mosaic: In my next life I want to be an amoeba! Make more music, smoke more pot... Eating healthily is expensive! We should all have 40 acres and a mule and start all over!

--Strawberry Fields, Central Park

Overheard by: I'll have what he's having

Tell Me More, Tell Me More

Girl: I would so date Danny Zucco. I mean, the character.
Boy: But he was a dick. I mean, a sweet dick in the end, but still a dick.
Girl: Well, I like sweet dicks... Oh, god.

--17th & 5th

Overheard by: widdershawns

Was There Rat Kissing?

Seven-year-old girl: I'm going to see a movie this weekend. Can anyone guess what I'm going to see?
Seven-year-old boy: Ratatouille! I already saw it.
Seven-year-old girl: Yeah, I'm going to go see Ratatouille this weekend.
Seven-year-old boy: Yeah, I already saw it. And there's this one part -- yuck -- you don't want to see it. It's bad, you really don't want to see that part -- it's gross. [Whispers it to another kid.]
Seven-year-old girl: What? Is there kissing? I can see kissing... If you think I've never seen kissing before, there's kissing in every other movie I have ever seen in my life!

--Bleecker St playground

The O'Reilly Factor, for Instance

Drunk #1 in video booth: There's so many movies to choose from!
Drunk #2: I think I'm in a gay booth.
Drunk #1: This one's from the point of view of a dick!
Disembodied voice: Isn't everything?

--Peep Show, 8th Ave

Overheard by: just passing through

Thank God for Sequels

Hipster chick: What happened here?
Cop: Everything's alright... Spider-Man saved the day.

--Union Square subway station

Fortunately, No American Ever Has to Grow Up

Homie #1: Transformers looks mad scary.
Homie #2: That's why it's for adults like us.
Homie #1: Word. So is Harry Potter.

--G train

Don't Waste Your Limited Attention Span, Sweetie

Salesgirl: Can I help you?
Teen in short skirt and chewing gum: Um, hi. I'm looking for a book called, um, um, 'The Da-something Code.'
Salesgirl: The Da Vinci Code?
Teen in short skirt and chewing gum: Yeah, something.

--Barnes & Noble

Wednesday One-Liners Go to the Flicker Pictures

Guy to L. Ron Hub-tards: So, if I sign up with you, how long do I have to offer people stress tests before I become a movie star?

--Union Square

Gangsta teen: Yeah, A Clockwork Orange. You seen that shit? They taped his eyes open and made him watch rapes and shit. I would have ripped that shit off my eyes, man -- fuck that. I'd blink my motherfucking eyes regardless.

--Penn Station

Overheard by: I do, too

Hipster: Actually, I don't watch movies. I watch films.

--The Village

Blonde: Wasn't Newsies a documentary?

--Deluxe, 114th & Broadway

Overheard by: McFreaky

Queer on cell: So, it's not just like one of those regular bestiality films...

--E 9th & 1st

Movie buff: Yeah, I thought Seabiscuit was a good movie until I realized it was about a horse.

--Starbucks

Overheard by: pokemaul2k4

Who Rides in a Short Bus under the Sea?

Kid #1: Seriously?
Kid #2: Yeah, seriously.
Kid #1: Seriously?!
Kid #2: Yes, seriously.
Kid #1: Seriously?
Kid #2: Yes! Seriously! Gosh, you're acting like SpongeBob!

--St. Catherine's Elementary, Brooklyn

Overheard by: rpk

Headline by: Rock Bottom

Runners-Up:
· "...or Alberto Gonzalez under Oath." - JC
· "Actual Script from Laguna Beach" - Jeremy
· "Dude, You've Been Watching Too Much SquarePant's Anatomy" - Breanne S.
· "How Serious Can Spongebob Be If Spongebob Could Be Serious?" - Philip
· "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter - Test Campaign #34" - Paul Sheiman


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Bigotty Sense Tingling...

Five-year-old: Daddy, I don't wanna see Spider-Man 3.
Dad: Come on, why not?
Five-year-old: I hate the black Spider-Man.
Hobo: That child is racist!

--Loews cinema, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Hobo has a point

And There's Nothing Worth Stealing in There

During trailer for horror movie where young girl peeks in door of creepy house and says, 'Hello?'...

Thugette: Why they be goin' into some abandoned-ass house like that?
Thug: 'Cause they white.

--Court Street cineplex, Brooklyn

Overheard by: MrStench

Wednesday One-Liners Start a Love Train

Student: I just always assumed everyone's love of integrals.

--John Jay Hall, Columbia

Dude: I had her up against the wall and was all like, 'Jimmy cracked corn,' and shit. She was lovin' it.

--A train, 42nd St

Overheard by: Ilyse

Man: I did scream, 'I love you Lindsay Lohan!' when I saw her at the costume thing, but that's just 'cause everyone else was.

--20th & 5th

Man on cell: No, not that Jim. The Jim who loves acid and foie gras.

--Metropolitan & Union, Brooklyn

Overheard by: liza

Conductor: I know you've heard of the love boat. Well, this is the love train.

--Metro-North

Overheard by: Mark Schilsky

Guy to girlfriend at table of friends: You just love my average-sized cock!

--3rd & 2nd

Overheard by: Chuckles

Wednesday One-Liners Are Real, and They're Spectacular

Suit: ... But then I'd just be one big, walking boob!

--Grand Central

Overheard by: uh what?

Hipster chick: Oh my god, I know! Chad told me I have to show him my boobs before we graduate, and that's, like, only a month away!

--118th & Broadway

Overheard by: sapphirebluemica

Ghetto tourist man looking at Maidenform billboard: Breasts! Breasts on a billboard!

--35th & 7th

Overheard by: Moses

19-year-old girl: I am not leaving here without black ballet flats and breasts.

--Bathroom line, Macy's

Little boy: Look, Mommy, Shrek has titties!

--AMC, Bay Plaza

Overheard by: Mel & Damee

Boyfriend to angry girlfriend: I didn't say you had an awkward body! I said you had awkward breasts!

--Camp, Cobble Hill

Which Reminds Me -- We Need to Shop for Staples

Yuppie: You know, that's a very expensive beer you're not drinking.
Girlfriend: Can't we have one night where you don't quote American Psycho?
Yuppie: Oh, he bought her Chardonnay. Don't worry, I'm not a Chardonnay guy.
Girlfriend: Whatever. Just don't nail-gun me in my sleep tonight. Again.

--Iggy's on Rivington

Wait, Are You Describing the Movie or the Party?

Dude: I saw that movie at that sex party -- the one where Jim got a blowjob by a chick that was not his girlfriend.
Chick: Oh my god, that sounds awesome -- I love it already!
Dude: I know, it's awesome!

--LaGuardia & W 3rd

At Least Nobody Felt the Need to Sing

B&T woman #1: Did you see Three Days of Rain?
B&T woman #2: No, what was it about?
B&T man #1: A stutterer fucks Julia Roberts.
B&T woman #1: Pay no attention to him -- he's a Neanderthal.
B&T man #2, leaning in and whispering: Does he really?

--Sardi's Restaurant

Overheard by: Big Larry

Yet Another Reason to See the Pirates Director's Cut

Angry girl: Your boner does not have super powers.
Dude: Yes, it does!
Angry girl: It won't even point us in the right direction.
Dude: I never said it could do that.
Angry girl: You're no Captain Jack Sparrow.

--W 3rd & Lafayette

Overheard by: danger

He's a Dick Wolf Fanatic

Tour guide: The school campus has been in many film and television productions, including The Good Shepherd, Law and Order, and most notably the classic Debbie Does Dallas.
Big Midwestern dad: I thought I recognized that library!

--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn

Overheard by: PrattStudent09

She Used The Rules to Line Her Bird's Cage

20-ish guy: So, I should just ask: Can I come in and fuck your brains out?
20-ish girl: You don't have to be all Tarantino about it, but yeah.

--44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Esther

Although She Also Told Me Shrooms Are Just Mushrooms with LSD Sprayed On...

NYU guy proposing Mary Poppins as a Rocky Horror-style sing-along: It'd probably be fun to get drunk and go to one of those.
NYU girl: I don't know...
NYU guy: Well, that's what my oboe teacher said.

--Washington Square

Overheard by: fifi

I Bit Off All of My Nails the Week Michelle Fell Off That Horse

Dude #1: Plus, I was watching The Sandlot, so that always stresses me out.
Dude #2: It does?
Dude #1: Yeah. Even though I know what's going to happen, I get really anxious... That's also the reason I don't watch Full House.

--Q train

Overheard by: dianora

What Drug Could Make That Interesting?

Thug #1: Yo, what we gonna do today?
Thug #2: Do like my man in Big Daddy do -- we go to the park and watch people trip over shit!

--Shuttle to Times Square

Overheard by: MC

Of Course, If He'd Said That about Clue I'd Have to Club Him

Theater fan: What would you say about a person who saw The Rocky Horror Picture Show only once and didn't feel any need to see it again?
Tim Curry: I'd say that was a person who was in full possession of their senses.

--Actor's Fund event, 52nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Big Larry

Or the Last Viking Unicorn?

NYU bimbette #1: Yeah, see, I totally think there's something fishy about Dumbledore's death -- especially his funeral. Like, why was he buried out at sea?
NYU bimbette #2: He wasn't. He was buried at Hogwarts.
NYU bimbette #1: Wait... Am I thinking of First Knight?

--Union Square

Overheard by: Felony

Wait -- What Might Be Pointed?

Yuppie #1: I saw Lord of the Rings for the first time last night. I'm totally hot for Galadriel.
Yuppie #2: You mean Cate Blanchett.
Yuppie #1: No, man. Galadriel. If I was Frodo I would be like, 'Thanks for the light thingy, milady. Maybe there's something I could do for you?'
Yuppie #2: Yeah, but she's an elf. Who knows what they got goin' on down there.
Yuppie #1: You mean it might be pointed?

--Gotham Bar & Grill

... Or Scary Movie IV

School girl #1: I wish I had the chance to watch more old movies.
School girl #2: Yeah, I totally know what you mean. I haven't seen any of the classics... You know, like Breakfast at Tiffany's or Dirty Dancing.

--5th Ave

Overheard by: trannysmithapple

I'll Never Get a Rich New Daddy with a Bloated Mommy

Mom: Do you want to watch Over the Hedge when we get home?
Four-year-old boy: Yeah! But we can't have popcorn. We already had popcorn today and it would be too much salt.

--LIRR

Overheard by: Dahlia

Whatever Happened to Randy Newman?

Dad: What's this movie about? Squirrels?
Son, sarcastically: Yeah, evil squirrels. That's why they call it Happy Feet.
Dad: I get my kids' movies confused. But they all have a hedgehog. [About hip hop song intro] Those aren't lyrics -- he's just rhyming.

--Lincoln Plaza IMAX

With Great Power Comes Great Irresponsibility

Thug #1: Man, it's Spiderman!
Thug #2: Ask him if he real.
Thug #3: If he's real, why he be in front of Toys "R" Us, nigga?
Thug #2: I dunno -- maybe he don't got a movie to be in right now.

--Toys "R" Us, Times Square

He Calls Them "Films"

10-year-old girl #1 referring to Starter for Ten: Oh my god, that movie was really sexy.
10-year-old girl #2: I know! We are lucky it wasn't X-rated!
10-year-old girl #1: You know, my mom has seen an X-rated movie before, and my dad has one.
10-year-old girl #2: Why does your dad have an X-rated video?
10-year-old girl #1: He's just really into movies!

--Movie theater restroom, 11th & 3rd

Overheard by: Dara

Because They're Keeping Score

Thug #1: ... And I was like, 'Damn, baby. I just bought you some pizza, we're about to see a movie -- is it really imperative that I buy you the Justin Timberlake CD so you can listen to it tonight?'
Thug #2: I know what you mean dog. My girl was beggin' me to buy her that new Akon shit.
Thug #1: Why can't bitches just be happy?

--116th St station

I'm Totally Getting a Beeping R2D2 Vibrator

Gym chick #1: I ran a whole half-hour today.
Gym chick #2: A whole half-hour?
Gym chick #1: Yeah, you know why? 'Cause Star Wars was on and it was so good I couldn't stop watching.

--YMCA, Park Slope

Overheard by: Jedi Master

The Tragic Tale of a Looseleaf Binder, and the Boy Who Loved It in Vain

Teen girl: The Notebook was mad sad! I cried.
Teen boy: What is it about?
Teen girl: I forgot.

--1 train

Sure, Why Not?

Girl #1, in Spanish: Yesterday I saw the movie The History of Violence.
Girl #2: Hey, is that the one about the penguins?

--Spanish class, Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Espanola

Wednesday One-Liners for C. Montgomery Burns

Black guy: And in this movie, Leonardo DiCaprio was the most selfless guy ever -- all he cared about was money.

--Jackson Hole, 91st & Madison

20-something exasperated chick on cell: It's a little something I call the hundred and fifty bucks I have to pay once a year! It's a little something called my rent!

--W 10th & Waverly

Overheard by: I call it that too

Geek: Have you ever pictured someone swimming in a pool of money? Do you know how much that would hurt?

--54th & 10th

Overheard by: Allisa

Mom to little daughter picking up garbage: Don't pick up stuff off the street... unless it's money.

--14th & 2nd

Suit: ... And they find him in Brussels with one million dollars in his suitcase.

--Chambers & West Side Hwy

Overheard by: Mike McG

Conductor: Attention, passengers, the power for this line has shorted out. Track workers are coming down to reset the breaker. We should be delayed for 15 to 20 minutes. A buck fifty -- you get what you pay for.

--PATH train, stuck under the Hudson

VP: I certainly don't want you to think it's all about money, because it's not -- it's mostly about money.

--Office, Park Ave South

At Least, That's What I Heard

JAP #1: Isn't The Pursuit of Happyness an action movie? Because he needs money--
JAP #2: --Not all black people need to shoot people for money.

--Lehman College cafeteria

Overheard by: can't breathe

You Leave Your Death Stars Exposed

Child #1: ... Make you join the dark side.
Field trip chaperone: And what exactly is the dark side, Christopher?
Child #1: It's Darth Vader.
Child #2: No, it ain't! The dark side is when you're wearing basketball shorts and nothing underneath.

--Crowded 6 train

Overheard by: Tea

That Way, Meryl Will Be a Lock after Oprah's Two Terms

Girl #1: The Devil Wears Prada is like, the best movie ever made.
Girl #2: Oh, totally. Meryl Streep's character was fabulous in that!
Girl #1: Dude, Meryl Streep should run for President. No, wait. Oprah should run for President, and Meryl Streep should be Vice President.

--86th & Lex

Much Wiser Not to Argue It

Cashier: I'm sorry, but weren't you in that movie? With Kevin Costner?
Joan Allen: Yes, The Upside of Anger. Thanks.
Cashier: I knew it was you! Last time you was in here I kept staring 'cause I knew it was you -- remember, I was staring at you? You was so good in that!
Joan Allen: Oh, thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it [pays and leaves].
Cashier to next lady in line: Yeah, last time she was in here I stared at her forever -- she must have thought I was crazy.
Lady in line: What movie was she in?
Cashier: 'The Other Side... of the Angel,' with Kevin Costner! She was that lady!
Lady in line: I never saw that movie. I thought she was on Lost. I thought she was the lady on Lost -- you know, the teacher.
Cashier: Nah, she was in that movie! 'The Other Side of the Angel.'
Lady in line: The Upside of Anger?
Cashier: No! It's called 'The Other Side of the Angel,' look it up!
Lady in line: Oh. Never seen it.

--Duane Reade, 94th & Broadway

Overheard by: Caro

Wednesday One-Liners Report to Hindquarters

Angry black woman to white man close behind her: Son, you got a lotta ass on yo' dick right now.

--Dense crowd, 4th & 6th

Overheard by: jealous?

Guy to friends: I'm not a one-ass guy, even if it is my own ass.

--26th & 8th

Large black man: I'm grabbin' booties, so all y'all better move outta my way!

--37th & 7th

Overheard by: daniel

Ghetto fab guy: Well, tickle my ass an' call me Mary Poppins...

--85th & 2nd

Overheard by: Mitorizu

Dude: My ass likes to eat things.

--76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Hew, the bird

Suit: Now there's an ass you could rest a loaf of bread on!

--Time Square

Crazy preacher: Lust is a sin. Women, don't show your butts to men -- cover them up, or the seven last plagues will cover them up for you.

--6 train

Overheard by: Zavreio

But Your Girlfriend's a Loser

Dude #1: Whoa, this year is double-oh-seven.
Dude #2: That's so freaking cool.
Chick: I don't get it. How is that cooler than last year being double-oh-six?
Dude #1: Because Alec Trevelyan was a dick.
Dude #2: ... Did you ever know that you're my hero?

--Carlyle Court, 25 Union Square West

March of the Penguins Affects Everyone Differently

NYU student #1: Ew! That movie was like porn!
NYU student #2: I don't know why we watched that in class!
NYU student #3: Disgusting!

--Outside lecture hall, Silver Center

If Wednesday One-Liners Did It

Woman on cell: Are you really surprised that Marcus turned out to be a serial killer?

--Times Square

Overheard by: shex

College dude on cell: No, the entire male species is going to die, remember?

--Times Square

Overheard by: glad i'm a girl.

Aviator-wearing rocker wannabe: Dude, seriously, think about it. Why aren't there more serial killers?!

--Union Square West at 16th St

Guy: You know, I pray for the days when I find bodies...

--Lorimer St & Metropolitan Ave

Columbia newspaper reporter: Dude, you can't just kill one person and be a serial killer. You have to work up to being a serial killer.

--Columbia Spectator Office

Overheard by: And you know from experience?

Cashier to friend: Yeah, there's this couple that comes in every week and rents serial killer movies.

--Brooklyn Video Rental Store

Overheard by: tiff

Conductor: Thank you for riding MTA, and remember to smile. You'll confuse the people who want to kill you!

--L train

Overheard by: Paige

Where Rosie Perez Was a Joy Forever

Woman looking at designer sunglasses in store window: A thing of beauty is a joy forever.
Man in pea coat: My man John Keats said that. John Keats, that's my man.
Woman: Where do you know that Keats line from?
Man in pea coat: White Men Can't Jump.

--87th & 3rd

Overheard by: Geez

And Clay Aiken-Gay, Not Oscar Wilde-Gay

Foreigner: What was with those guys in Brokeback Mountain? Are all cowboys dumb?
Girl: They weren't dumb, they were gay.

--Union Square

Overheard by: Sara McGrath

Reality Is What They Had before TV

Female student #1: I feel bad for Czar Nicholas, because not only did he get overthrown and exiled, but Rasputin came in while he was gone and messed up his whole country.
Female student #2: What, you mean like in Anastasia?
Female student #1: No, I mean in, like, real life. The movie was based off real life.
Female student #2: Wait, you mean Rasputin was real?

--Bleecker & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Andrew

But without the Licensing Deal with Kenner

Dude #1: ... And it had this sort of feeling like the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Dude #2: What's the Rocky Horror Picture Show?
Dude #1: It's, ummm... The Rocky Hor-- Hmmm. It's, ummm... It's just like Star Wars but for transvestites.

--10th St, between 5th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Eli... NYU design dude

Well, Nobody's Perfect

Teacher: Who remembers Some Like It Hot?
Student: Isn't that the one where in the end they're all on a boat and it blows up?

--Cinema Studies class, NYU

Overheard by: Andrew Jacobs

She Never Goes to the Mattresses

Chick #1: She's never seen Titanic or The Godfather.
Chick #2: That's why she can't get laid.

--LaGuardia

Un Film de Wednesday One-Liners

Russian guy on cell: I went to see Saw III. Best movie ever -- the girl in front of me fainted in the beginning of the movie! Five minutes into the movie she just fainted, and her boyfriend started calling for help. I called an ambulance, they took her away... That movie was awesome!

--Brooklyn-bound Q train

Overenthusiastic male student: Oh! I met Borat! He goes to NYU, right?

--Hunter College

Guy to everyone in theater: Shhh, I'm recording this!

--Movie theater, Court St, Brooklyn

Blonde: Yeah, so I watch Brokeback Mountain like it's my Bible. I hang on every word, 'cause I really want to know how gay people talk.

--Times Square

Overheard by: Stina

Guy on cell: 28 Days was just stupid. Zombies aren't like that. Dawn of the Dead is the most realistic portrayal of zombies I've ever seen!

--Grand Central

Overheard by: Philip Niosi

Chick to hipsters: I did my first autopsy to The Wizard of Oz.

--The Village, near Mulberry

Overheard by: DC Diva

Wednesday One-Liners Used to Go to Meow Mix

Girl: This friend of mine, her cat killed an endangered bird... in Germany. They had to bury it, like, three feet underground.

--Queens-bound E train

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Dude on cell: I saw Tim Burton on an interview the other day, and I said to my cat, 'Snicket, behold a man who has never yet combed his hair!'

--AMDA entrance

Overheard by: McKinley's Friend

Girl: And her cat and my cat are, like, really close...

--BX26 bus

Guy: I mean, I don't even eat cat...

--14th St & 5th Ave

Guy to friend: No, cocaine. Cats really like cocaine!

--Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Kerri

Stupid Diversity

Scraggly white dude #1: What's The Host? I want to see that shit.
Scraggly white dude #2: What about this one -- The Wire?
Scraggly white dude #1: Nah, I don't like all that black people, drug dealing, hip hop shit.
Scraggly white dude #2: Yeah, me neither -- like that movie Jungle Fever.

--F train platform

Overheard by: Leif

Wednesday One-Liners Have 23 Intelligence, but 6 Charisma

Fat college guy on cell: I only read books with robot insects on the cover. If it doesn't have robot insects, I slap a sticker on. Pride and Prejudice? Robot insects on the cover makes it better.

--Metro-North

Overheard by: Ferry

Guy to friend: Look, the root of the problem is that you have a shrine dedicated to semi-colons in your closest! I don't care if they're the god of all punctuation marks, that's just weird!

--Stuyvesant High School

Metrosexual: I'm fairly certain that I've read every single fantasy series that has dragons in it.

--Stuyvesant Town

Overheard by: Karin

Ghetto chick: Nah, all I'm sayin's is that even if you look like Steve Urkel, as long as you got the brain of Steve Urkel, you good with me.

--Jamaica-bound F train

Overheard by: Floyd

Leader of pack of teen boys dressed up like Star Trek characters: I didn't say it was a good planet...

--Tuxedo Renaissance Festival

Overheard by: Murray

But Who Cares about the Golden Globes?

Buddy #1: Did you see Forest Whitaker's speech at the Golden Globes? He won Best Actor. I'm almost positive he was on crystal meth. He was, like, stuttering and his eyes were tearing up.
Buddy #2: Maybe he was emotional 'cause he won the award.
Buddy #1: [Long, reflective pause] Yeah... Maybe that, too.

--40th & 5th

Overheard by: Wubba

Casper Joins the Navy?

Dude: What's that movie -- the one with the ghosts on the ship?
Chick: Ghost Ship?
Dude: Maybe.

--Kingsborough Community College

Overheard by: Lotte

Can We Go See the Daily Planet Building?

Tourist mom: Ohhh! Look, dear! A fire escape!
Tourist child: Oh, where? Where?
Tourist mom: See? That balcony with the ladders...
Tourist child: But how do they get down?
Tourist mom: I think that ladder on the side slides down.
Tourist child: Oh, wow. It is just like in the movies!

--Ferry bus, 49th & 6th

Overheard by: A tourist who knows better

Hollywood Exec: Say That Again!

60-ish mother to two kids: There are two movies playing we should go to before they stop showing them -- Casino Royale and Apocalypto Now.
Kid #1: Uh, yeah, Mom.

--PATH train

Overheard by: Serene Demeanor

I Hear He Has Warts on His Hog

Nerdy teen: Dude, I really want to see what Lord Voldemort looks like in the movie.
Friend: Yeah, man. I really want to see Lord Voldemort get naked.
Nerdy teen: Oh, yeah. Me, t-- What?

--Borders

Remember When He Threw Marco Polo to the Rancor?

Girl: Look at that guy! He's gross -- he looks like Attila the Hun.
Guy: What? He doesn't even look Asian.
Girl: Look how fat he is! He's waddling around just like Attila!
Guy: Tell me you don't mean Jabba the Hutt.

--Central Park

Overheard by: Paul

How Awful If You Were Looking for Cameron Diaz!

Little girl pointing to a poster of The Phantom of the Opera: Look, Mommy! The Mask!
Mom: No, sweetheart, that's The Phantom of the Opera. Mask is a movie with Cher.

--Trader Joe's

Overheard by: Alyson Leigh

Subway Base Jumpers Plan the Ultimate Video

Yuppie #1: I told James I could do it, but it would be better if I worked my way up to it.
Yuppie #2: Gotcha. You think I should film it? I guess I could always delete it...

--Q train

Overheard by: Ben Couch

Or at Least about the Eiffel Tower

Queer #1: So, what is this movie about?
Queer #2: Gael Garcia Bernal moves to Paris and starts having some weird dreams.
Queer #1: Of an erotic nature?
Queer #2: I certainly hope so.

--Angelika Film Center

Overheard by: queer_number_3

Like All those People Who Smoke Cigarettes

Eighth grader #1: Dumbledore is dead!
Eighth grader #2: Do you know how cool Dumbledore is? Cool people like that do not die.

--Hunter College High School

Overheard by: nj

Is There Anything Julie Andrews Can't Do?

Law student: I learned in my International Law class that diplomats can park wherever they want and not get ticketed.
Friend: You had to go to friggin' law school to learn that? I learned that from The Princess Diaries.

--Dean & Deluca, SoHo

He Wants a Shot at Batman and the Title

Guy #1 looking at picture of Santa Claus 3: Dude, that's Aquaman!
Guy #2: No, that's Jack Frost.
Guy #1: No, it totally looks like Aquaman.
Guy #2: No, it doesn't!
Guy #1: It's gotta be him.
Guy #2: Why would Santa Claus be fighting Aquaman? Why the hell would he be fighting Aquaman?

--4th floor Hunter North, Hunter College

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

And I've Got that on VHS, So It's Cool

Dude #1: Did you get that video yet?
Dude #2: No. Besides, my DVD player is broken.
Dude #1: No shit! Dude, that sucks.
Dude #2: Sure does... But not really -- there aren't too many good movies, anyway.
Dude #1: Yeah, just Predator.

--Locker room

If Only Some Genius Could Combine the Two

Father: Did you enjoy the movie, Angela?
Six-year-old daughter: Yeah.
Father: Was there lots of action?
Six-year-old daughter: Yeah.
Father: There are two things that make a good movie: action and sex.

--Montague & Clinton St, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Laura

In the Same Way that Those WMDs Were 'Sold Out'

Loud customer: Do you have She-Ra: Princess of Power?
Cashier: No, we don't carry it.
Loud customer: It's sold out?
Cashier: No. We don't carry it.
Loud customer: It's sold out?
Cashier: ...Yes.

--Virgin Megastore, Times Square

Ten Bucks Says She's Thinking of Telly Savalas

Chick #1: You know Gandhi? The Indian guy with the bald head and the robes?
Chick #2: Oh, yeah -- he starred in that film.

--Parson's School of Design

Tales from Wednesday One-Liners' Crypt

Man on cell: What are you, some sort of reverse vampire?

--C train

Dude: And there were unicorns exploding in the background... or at least doing whatever it is unicorns do.

--Live Bait, 23rd St

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Chick: You kind of look like a vampire in this picture. But a cool vampire! Like, if you were in The Lost Boys, Kiefer Sutherland would totally want to have sex with you.

--55th & 6th

Overheard by: wants to have sex with Kiefer Sutherland

Drunk hobo chuckling: You people look depressed! I know how to cheer you up. I'll sing my favorite song! 'Ding, dong, the witch is dead, the witch is dead...' [Looks around] Hmmm... [Notices the train going express] What the...? I need a new mathematician! I need a new mathematician!

--6 train making express stops on a surprise basis

Overheard by: Barry Negrin

Sax-wielding hobo: I am an alien! From outer space! Not from Mexico!

--L train

Overheard by: Alex P. Keaton

Ricky's employee: Looks like I'm all out in the fairy department.

--58th & Broadway

Mom: Johnny, put down the sword. Vampires don't use weapons. Their teeth are their weapons.

--Halloween shop, 8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

No, that's New York Minute

Girl #1: Isn't that the Princess Bride?
Girl #2: No, that's Frankenstein.
Girl #3: That's not Frankenstein, that's his wife.
Girl #1: Then who's the Princess Bride?
Girl #2: Isn't that the one with the skeletons?

--Ray's Pizza, St. Mark's & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: someone who knows there were no skeletons in that one

And All Those Michael Moore 'Documentaries'

Guy #1: Are you gonna go see Saw 3?
Guy #2: Nah, I'm not into movies like that.
Guy #1: Why not?
Guy #2: I'm more into dramas -- you know, movies where you can actually believe that what's happening is real. Like Superman.

--Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Don Willmott

Phillip Seymour Hoffman's Long Awaited Street Cred

Black woman: Oh, look at this, 'The Collected Stories of Truman Capote.' Wow, he really looks like who played him!
Black man: Let me see that. What? You think that looks like me?
Black woman: No, no, he looks like what's-his-name, you know, the guy who played him in the movie.
Black man: Oh! Shit, I thought you said 'he looks like you, playa.'
Black woman: Are you crazy?
Black man: He does dress like a nigga, though.

--Barnes & Noble, 82nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: Beeeej

Just 'Cause She's Short and Drinking Stout?

Friend #1: What did he just say to her?
Friend #2: He said that she reminded him of a character from the movie Beauty and the Beast.
Friend #1: What? Did he say she looked like the Beauty or the Beast?
Friend #2: I dunno but I think that she looks like the teapot.

--Maritime Hotel

Overheard by: Noel

If That Happens, It Probably Will Not Be in the Plaza

Boy #1: Oh shit, that's where they filmed Home Alone 2 look!
Boy #2: What the fuck? what you talking about?
Boy #1: The hotel. The little white kid stayed at this hotel and shit.
Boy #2: What a fag.
Boy #1: Fuck you.

--Central Park, in front of Plaza Hotel

Osama bin Laden: You Guys Sure You're Happy with Western Civilization?

Student #1: Have you seen that movie Clockwork Orange?
Student #2: I've never heard of that. What's it about?
Student #1: It's about rape. And death. And like everything bad in the world. But like, really cool.

--Uptown A train

Overheard by: Vinny Lopez

Wednesday-One-Liners Will Be Held in the Station Momentarily...Thank You for Your Patience

Conductor: There are seats towards the back of the train.
Keep walking! Sometime today, people. What did you stop for? Keeeep walking!

--Train to Grand Central

Overheard by: Muffin


Conductor: Where's the other guy? Raj, if you can hear me, you can come pick up your My Little Pony from the booth.

--LIRR, Hempstead station


Subway station announcement: Because of an earlier incident, all trains are now running.

--Union Square Station

Overheard by: E Moran


Conductor: This is 36th Street. Step to the side and let all the monkeys off the train. Let the monkeys off the train.

--Queens bound N train


Conductor: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is an extremely crowded F train. Next stop is Jay Street, and by this time it's official, every person in New York is on this train. Please stand clear of the closing doors, if you can.

--Coney Island bound F train

Overheard by: F Train Sloper


Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the next stop is 59th Street. And if you haven't voted and are thinking of voting for Bush, please see the movie Fahrenheit 9/11. Thank you. Stand clear of the closing doors.

--4 Train, 42nd St

Overheard by: Jonny


Conductor: You have yourself a satisfying Thursday.

--F train

But You Never Ate Her out in a Stall

Girl: Oh my God I just ran into Julianne Moore in the bathroom!
Guy: Whatever, I already saw her naked in like three movies.

--Chelsea Clearview Cinema, 23rd & 8th

Overheard by: Scott

Ebert and Roeper at the Wednesday One-Liners

Woman, watching Jet Li movie preview: I won't see it. All they ever do is hop around, and I have no idea what's going on.

--AMC Theatre, W 42nd St

Overheard by: Jason


Slow learner: Yeah, we just got out of Miami Vice...Yeah, I've seen it twice. Trust me: do not see that movie!

--42nd between 9th & 10th

Overheard by: Ash


Young woman: When I went to see Snakes on a Plane, I didn't think there'd be snakes! On a plane!

--Regal Cinemas, Union Square


Tween boy: After seeing that movie, I have to say: Johnny Knoxville is the most suicidal person next to Jesus.

--C train

Overheard by: Dirty D


Ticket taker, directing people to theater: Go out the window and take a left.

--AMC 25, Times Square

Overheard by: L


Blonde girl: Isn't Short Circuit the movie with R2D2?

--Rooftop party, W 43rd

Overheard by: Esther


Guy in very crowded train: It felt like Schindler's List for a second there.

--7 train

Overheard by: giants fan

Hey, Syd! Do We Have to Pay Corpses Scale?

Woman: Oh, he looked so old and sick in that movie. Really horrible.
Man: You know he died, right?
Woman: Oh, they must have made the movie before that.

--NJ Transit train out of Penn Station

Overheard by: confabulation nation

Isn't There an Interpol Song About This?

Hipster #1: I wish I had cameras in my eyes so I could film movies while I walk around.
Hipster #2: Yeah, that'd be cool, but I'd still rather just have eyes.

--34th between 8th & 9th

Overheard by: with a K

Why Isn't Blood Red an Easter Color?

Woman: Oh, look at these.
Man: They're Easter colors.
Woman: I thought they were Shrek colors.

--Staples, Vesey & Broadway

Overheard by: Susan

How You Can Tell If Bums Are Just Very Dirty Hipsters

Hobo: I want to fuck you someplace fairly uncomfortable.
Hipster: Did that bum just quote Mallrats?

--Orchard St

Wednesday One-Liners Make the Cover of People

Tween boy: Then Tom Cruise and Will Smith get married and have babies.

--74th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Rachel


3 year old: Ahhh, my mouth is on fire! My mouth is on fire! Help me, Tom Cruise!

--89th & Broadway

Overheard by: Alex


Man to girlfriend: Shit, I like that Martha Stewart. She a gangsta in disguise.

--Kmart, Astor Place


Guy: He is like the L. Ron Hubbard of Teach for America.

--Lenny's, 77th & 2nd

Overheard by: Rebecca


Crazy guy: You fuckers don't deserve to be here! John Lennon died for peace and tolerance! Get the fuck out of here, queers! John died for peace and humanity!

-- 72nd & Central Park West

Overheard by: emily


Chick on cell: Yeah, he wouldn't watch my kid last night because he was hanging out with Wilmer Valderrama.

--1st Ave between 12th & 13th


Hobo: Betty Boop killed Martin Luther King!

--1 train

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Working Title: To Ralph, With Love

"Art" chick: So your film is only 7 minutes long. What it's about?
"Film" chick: I don't really know what it's about, but I can tell you what happens. It's in a classroom, but, like, it's really just a room...When Karen vomits in the corner, it's really exquisite.

--DuMont, Union Ave, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Philip

The Penis Mightier Than the Wednesday One-Liners

Small girl, pointing at an advertisement for Little Man: Look, Grandpa! He looks like a little man!...He has a huge penis!

--189th St


Braggart: My penis is heavier than a full-sized gruyere cheese.

--Red Hook


Guy dressed as a penis, on cell: If you don't get down to 14th and 6th in another 5 minutes, this is one dick you are not going to see!

--14th & 6th

Overheard by: Madhu Maganti


Guy: I'd give an inch of my dick for the fries at Les Halles. They're that good!...Ok, maybe half an inch.

--Park Avenue & 29th Street

Overheard by: 11221


Teen boy on cell: Hey, it's Big Daddy! You know, Big Daddy! You showed me your penis ring last night.

--Times Square

Overheard by: laura


Woman: Aaah! I've got baby penises in my eye!

--Sephora, Times Square


Girl: Ooh, she is going to be in so much trouble. She got caught smoking cock.

--Bed-Stuy

Wednesday One-Liners: Too Busy to Acquire Social Skills

Virgin-For-Life: Clark Kent and Kal-El are the same goddamn thing, Joey! We are not having this conversation again! Jesus Christ! I'm going home!

--Coney Island


20-Something Virgin-For-Life, noticing guy with Superman t-shirt: Look! That's who I wanna be when I grow up! Clark Kent! Imagine just taking a suit off and becoming a superhero.

--Empire State Building

Overheard by: Guy With Superman t-shirt


Virgin-For-Life: The intestinal epithelium is my dream tissue.

--Albert Einstein College of Medicine, the Bronx

Overheard by: Joshua Drumm


Virgin-For-Life: He's really sharp. He's like the head of Voltron.

--23rd between 5th & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Burn, Baby, Burn

Queer: Hanging out with him is like doing charity work.

--Christopher & Bleecker

Overheard by: J. Ann


Ghetto girl to thug: You can't touch this. Keep reminiscin', mothafucka.

--106th & Columbus

Overheard by: Shmoop


Guy on cell: I'll be real with you, man. I know more than you. I know a lot more than you.

--17th & 5th


Altruist: He's really nice so I just fake it sometimes.

--Elevator, 120 Wall St

Overheard by: Aubrie


Teen girl: She did what? Oh my God, she is, like, so off my top 8.

--1 train


Queer: Well, I do like the person you want to be.

--Washington & Charles


Loud chick: Who knows how he lucked out into marrying her? I'm just always thinking, lady, you are hot, and yet you married an Ewok.

--Starbucks, 71st & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Like I said, 'Look! It's Daryl Hannah!'

Teenage tourist, pointing: Mom, look! It's Daryl Hannah!
Mom: Honey, that's not Daryl Hannah. That's one of those transgender people.--Downtown 6 train, 77th StOverheard by: Anne


Headline by: pontiac
Runners-Up:
· "As I Always Say, 'If You Can't Tell, It Doesn't Matter.'" - Dave
· "Must Be Nicolette Sheridan's Day Off." - seamus
· "Not to Mention She's still Tied to a Walnut Tree in LA" - Liz!
· "Perhaps the Blade Runner Left an Angry Inch" - megs
· "So That's Where She Went." - Eamon Stimson
· "Technically, They're Both Right" - Wes Mantooth
· "Tom Hanks Thought It Was a Fish Tail." -peter
· "Who Says 'Ambiguous' Isn't a Classic Look?" - Dame Droiture

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Because She Was Fat

Queer #1: Atreyu or Bastian?
Queer #2: Eww. No. They're kids.
Queer #1: It's not real. Atreyu or Bastian?
Queer #2: Falcor.
Queer #1: You and your hairy guys.
Woman: I want you guys to know I just realized why I didn't sit at the popular table in the middle school lunch room.

--Pax Deli, 36th & Broadway

Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson

If Wednesday One-Liners Can Make It Here, They Can Make It Anywhere

Chick: Nothing says New York like a wire frog.

--Battery Park


Lady who has loudly complained to the waiter about the poor service: It's people like that who give New York City a bad name.

--Lindy's, 7th Ave

Overheard by: joemikehap


Amateur anthropologist: Of course I have a snarky attitude! I'm a New Yorker; it's practically a requirement!

--F train

Overheard by: Braincurve


Tourist on cell: Yeah! I'm in New York! Yeah, it's kinda like New Orleans, except bigger and you can't drink in the streets.

--Grand Central


Man on bicycle: New York is about freedom! Suck a dick!

--Astor Place

Overheard by: Laura


Guy watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer: See, that's why I never leave New York. You never see crazy motherfuckers like that in New York...except for niggas on the train.

--Regal Cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Clitoris Rex


Little girl: There's a lot of people in this New York City!

--Times Square

And Schindler's List Has Nudity!

Mother: We need to find Sound of Music for your brother.
Child: No! I want to watch Star Wars.
Mother: You can watch this. It has Nazis!--Kim's Video, Morningside Heights



Headline by: J Laks
Runners-Up:
· "And Bambi's About Guns" - dei
· "And Then We'll Watch Rent. It has lawyers!" - Nick V.
· "But Cover Your Ears During "My Favorite Things"; I'm Not Ready to Expose You to That." - manisha
· "Gene Siskel Declares: 'It's a Gas!'" - erak
· "Hayden Christensen's Acting Caused Far More Deaths, Though" - s himself
· "Now Put on Your Swastika Armband; We're Going to See Grandpa" - phil
· "See, Sweetie, Your Brother's Not Gay; He Just Advocates White Supremacy." - LC
· "The Promotional Tagline That Never Quite Made It..." - Julie Holt

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

And For You, Lion, I Have Some Overpriced Coffee

Guy: Well, it's about what we think would happen if there was a Starbucks in the land of Oz.
Girl: Wow!

--Grand Saloon, 23rd between 3rd & Park

The Self-Loathing Is Also Strongly Suggestive

Jewish boy: If I wasn't Jewish and saw Passion of the Christ, I'd walk out of the theaters screaming, "Let's kill those Jews for killing our Lord and Savior!"
Black woman: Boy, you shouldn't be goin' 'round screaming that.
Jewish boy: Um, but I am Jewish.
Black woman: How am I 'sposed to know that?
Jewish boy: By the fucking thing on my head and the fact that I keep checking for my wallet every second I'm talking to you.

--Brooklyn College

Overheard by: David

Straight Guys Train for Bad Relationships With Women

Guy #1: I saw you cry during The Color Purple. Don't lie
Guy #2: Dude, would you keep it down?!

--Times Square

Overheard by: Renee

She Missed the 'Evolution' Series on NOVA

Eco-Friendly ghetto girl: You saw Incovenient Truth? We gonna be underwater in, like, 50 years.
Laconic ghetto girl: Word?
Eco-Friendly ghetto girl: Yeah, we gonna be fish one day.

--92nd & West End

Wednesday One-Liners Don't Forget the Pipe

Girl on cell: But they're, like, professional crackwhores!

--Bedford Park, Lehman College, the Bronx


Man: I never misled my mother. I did steal from her, but I was on crack.

--Joralemon St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Chicago Guy


Girl: Did you see that movie Crackheads on Fire?

--14th & 8th


Lady: Now she's a big shot. She used to be a crackhead.

--Au Bon Pain, 8th St

Overheard by: the guy buying the SoBe Green Tea

They Had the Same Problem With A Bronx Tale

Girl #1: Where did the first movie take place?
Girl # 2: I thought it was Australia, cause, you know, that was part of the British empire and all.
Girl #1: I think it was some Asian country. Didn't they talk about Singapore a lot?
Girl #2: Yeah, maybe some place like that.
Girl #1, after a few minutes: Oh, shit, the Caribbean!

--Pirates of the Caribbean II, movie theater, 34th St

Overheard by: Anny O and S. Bitchards

He Rides the Subway For Research, Dumbass

DVD hawker: I got Superman, X-Men III, all high quality.
Guy: Those are illegal! You're stealing from me. I'm a writer.
DVD hawker: What? Did you write any of these?
Guy: You're selling illegal goods. I'm a writer. You're stealing from me!
DVD hawker: If you wrote any of these movies, you wouldn't be riding the subway.

--Uptown E train

Wednesday One-Liners Are Potty Trained

Girl on cell: What? What do you mean? What do you mean your audition is gonna be in a bathroom?

--42nd and 10th

Overheard by: dk


Hurrying lady: ...and a urinal cake is worth fifteen points.

--43rd & 8th

Overheard by: Casper


Gay usher, loudly: Sex just isn't the same when you're constipated.

--Daryl Roth Theatre, Union Square


Hipster girl: So I just said to him, "Bye, I have to go now. I have diarrhea!"...Diarrhea is like the anti-aphrodisiac.

--Brooklyn bound F train


Woman on cell: Did you just say that you had a dream where Gene Wilder peed in your closet? Like, Willy Wonka, pissing on your clothes? Okay, I just wanted to make sure I heard correctly.

--Penn Station

Overheard by: baffled


Dude: Nah, I wouldn't piss on someone if I didn't know them.

--Bar, Queens


Man, to woman having trouble with the bathroom door: Oh come on, you fucking cunt, work the damn door. Big fucking place like this, they got only one bathroom, I am fucking pissing on the floor. I will piss on the damn floor. That's my fucking right as an American. I'm a patriot. Patriot, that's an adverb. An action adverb. Mrs. Riegell told me in third grade if you have a syllable you've got an adverb, and I got a damn syllable, so damnit, I'm pissing on the fucking floor.

--Virgin Megastore, Union Square

You've Got to Go Down to Aquaman Before You Even Find a Black Villain

In line for opening night show of Superman Returns.

Passerby: What's this line for?
Black dude: Man, everybody wants to see Supercracker.

--4th Ave, between 13th and 14th

Overheard by: Potomac

Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Afraid of Any 666

Old guy on cell: I don't know, thinking about going to the movies. Maybe I'll see The Devil in Miss Prada.

--Mcburney YMCA, W 14th St


Girl: Yeah I sold my soul to the devil. I was like, "Hey, devil, can I sell you my soul?" And he was like, "Okay."

--Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Natasha


Queer: And, futhermore, we all know that the Devil does not wear Prada. He wears flame-retardant knock-offs from Target.

--Chelsea

This Gives Gandalf's 'Is It Secret? Is It Safe?' a Whole New Meaning

Chick: If I could sleep with any of the hobbits, it would have to be Frodo.
Guy: What?! Frodo is a total fudge packer.
Chick: Please don't call him that!
Queer: Especially in front of a fudge packer!

--Barnes & Noble, 54th & 3rd

Overheard by: Willowee

Mel Gibson's Guide to Alienating Hollywood While Making 100 Million Dollars

Med student #1: Some people say that The Passion of The Christ doesn't follow the book.
Med student #2: What book?

--122nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Khalilah

What Would Wednesday One-Liners Do?

Teen boy: So I was watching one of those independent channels, and I saw this weird movie called Jesus Christ Superstar. Have you heard of it? It's from the 70's, so the camera work is really bad, but it's not in black and white or anything. The best part is that Herod is all big and fat and he sings this funny song, like, "You're the king of the Jews!" It's a pretty funny movie. You know, except they, like, kill Jesus at the end.

--Q train

Overheard by: A White Bear


Girl: You know, I don't think Jesus ever asked Mary Magdalene to kiss his balls.

--1849 Bar, Bleecker St


Drunk guy: Jesus saved me already, you fucking cunt!

--Park Slope

Overheard by: braincurve


Chick: Whatever. I could've annihilated Jesus at beer pong.

--Trump Building, Wall St

Overheard by: You know who


Girl on cell: Listen, the only ass I kiss is Jesus Christ. Got that?

--Key Food, 235th St

Overheard by: Miriam

They Have to Recruit, Because They Are Seldom Able to Reproduce

A small boy on the bus is flicking a flashlight.

Boy: Laser!
Geeky guy across the aisle: I think that's shaped more like a light saber.
Boy: Light saber!

--M104 bus

Overheard by: Andrew

'Weird Jedis' Is Like 'Gay Queers' or 'Bored Security Officers'

Out-of-breath Star Wars fan: Hey, do you know where the 3 pm light saber fight will take place?
Bored security officer: I dunno, but it should be over there. That's where all the weird Jedis are hanging out.

--Big Apple Comic Book Convention, Penn Plaza Pavilion

Overheard by: PoisonIvy

If I Were Adam Sandler I Would Have Asked Satan for My Soul Back Circa Mr. Deeds

Man: Wow, you're here already? That was quick.
Woman: Yeah, if I was Adam Sandler I would have said, "That was click!"

--West 44th St

Overheard by: Tomer Langberg

How Hollywood Hurts Our Youth

Kid on stool: Mom, can I jump off and be Naaaaaaacho?
Mom: You already broke your arm. You can't be Nacho right now.

--Duane Reade, 96th & Broadway

If She Remembers Thundercats, It's Time for Assisted Living

Girl: I can't believe they're making a live action Transformers movie.
Guy: Whatever, I will definitely go see it.
Girl: Are you even old enough to remember Transformers?
Guy: Of course, I'm only three years younger than you.
Girl: Yeah, but that doesn't mean you were old enough to be conscious of Transformers. My brothers are your age and they don't remember the show that well.
Guy: You do realize every time you ask me that it doesn't make me seem young, right? It just makes you seem old.

--26th & Madison


Overheard by: DL

Wednesday One-liners Need Some Space

Bus driver: Move to the back of the bus. They're giving free diamonds in the back of the bus. See that lady in the back for your free diamond.

--M2 bus


Guy: I hate this city. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a production.

--W 44th, near filming of Spiderman 3

Overheard by: Alex

She's Thinking of The Pelican Briefs

Teenie girl: Omigod! Idea! Do you want to go rent a movie?
Her much older boyfriend: Sure. Have you seen The Firm?
Teenie girl: What is that, like a porno?

--Hershey store, Times Square


Overheard by: Just wanted some gummy bears

I Hear Jigsaw Loves Self-Destructive Gym Bunnies

Young woman: I really want a boyfriend who is mean, who can say that, "I'm gonna kill him" and then looks down at his hand, and that laughs.
Older woman nods.
Young woman: You know, like those villians in movies with that grin, not the crazy ones who laugh but the ones who grin.

--NYU gym locker room

Time for a New Wingwoman

Lady on train: What are you watching?
Overexcited man with portable DVD: The Da Vinci Code.
Lady: Oh! Cool! Is it good?
Overexcited man: It's EXCELLENT!
Lady: Oh -- I heard from people that the book was better.
Lady's friend: That's bullshit. She doesn't read.

--Penn Station, LIRR


Overheard by: Jordo VB

Finishing Together Should Be Easy by Now

Very old lady to husband: You asshole! YOU ASSHOLE! I hate you.
Old husband: Wha?
Old lady: You didn't wait for me, you fucking asshole.

--Clearview Cinemas, 62nd & 1st

Effects Are Amazing These Days

Nebraska girl #1: It feels like it's raining.
Nebraska girl #2: I think it's coming from the set.
Pause
Nebraska girl #3: Where's it coming from?...Oh, it's actually raining.

--John St., near filming of Spiderman 3


Overheard by: Fishy

The News Has Gotten So Boring Lately

Stoner #1: Yo, why did newsboys used to shout "Extra!" when they'd sell papers?
Stoner #2: I don't know... maybe the news was about.. like... X-Men... like, mutants...
Stoner #1: Yeah... true... maybe.

--University & 8th


Overheard by: Alyson Leigh

I Think She's Watching You

Kid #1, looking at the Mona Lisa on Da Vinci Code poster: Hey, look! It's her again!
Kid #2: Who is this lady? She's everywhere!

--Downtown 1 train


Overheard by: d.grace

His Favorite Is The Two Towers

Hipster girl #1: Why would someone tell you that right after meeting you?
Hipster girl #2: Honestly, why can't you just say your favorite movie is The Lord of the Rings instead of Lord of the Rings porn?

--Bedford & South 2nd, Williamsburg

Maybe He's Thinking of the Times Square Arcade

Guy #1: I told you we shoulda gone to Manattan.
Guy #2: No way. I don't see movies in Manhattan.
Guy #1: Why the hell not?
Guy #2: They shoot people there. It's all silent than someone shouts something and then everyone is shooting. It's scary.


--In line at Stadium 12, Court Street, Brooklyn

No, That's the Guy Who Did Lord of the Cock Rings

Guy #1: Yeah, he's a pretty good director... what's his name again? The hobbit guy?
Guy #2: Uhhh...Peter something...
Guy #1: Yeah, Peter North! I love that guy's movies.

--AMC Empire 25, Times Square

Wednesday One-liners Have Cool Spiny Backs and Tiny Tiny Brains

Woman: That movie's so stupid! They got King Kong and the dinosaurs fighting even though they are from different centuries.

--Mama's Pizza, 106th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Kyle T


Teen girl: You know, I don't think I even believe in dinosaurs.

--Starbucks, Astor Place

Overheard by: Paul

Signs of the Apocalypse

Girl #1: Hey are you going to go see The Da Vinci Code?
Girl #2: Yes! My pastor said it was alright as long as I watched The Passion of the Christ right after.

--Midwood High School


Overheard by: the half jewish kid in the corner

Think of It More as Jesus's Shot Glass

Girl #1: So the entire time i'm watching this movie, I'm like, what is the Holy Grail? They never explain what it is. And I'm thinking it's probably like, some kind of trophy or something...? Like maybe a fashion trophy...? Or something...?
Girl #2: Uh huh.
Girl #1: Yeah but no, it turns it out it actually has to do with like, Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene or something.
Girl #2: So it was like... Jesus's trophy?

--H&M dressing room, 5th Ave

Two Kilos? She Wishes

Black guy: Two for Akeelah.
German girlfriend: What? What are you buying? Two kilos for what?
Black guy: No. Akeelah.
German girlfriend: I don't understand. Two kilos of what? That makes no sense.
Black guy, rolling his eyes: No! Akeelah! Akeelah!. Akeelah! Two for Akeelah!
German girlfriend: I still don't understand.
Black guy: Akeelah and the frickin' Bee!!!
German girlfriend: OHHHHH!


--Union Square Stadium 14, Broadway & 13th

She'll Be Here All Week

Woman: Hey, when's that movie Snakes on a Plane ever gonna come out?
Old man: What? What's that?
Woman: Maybe it's just a joke. Like the "L" in Samuel "el" Jackson's name. I think that's a joke too, like, what is he? Samuel "the" Jackson?
Old man: Who's that?
Woman: Just eat your hot dog, dad.

--Central Park


Overheard by: Kershinator

Clooney Claims Another Victim

As the credits for Syriana roll:

Woman: I think that movie outsmarted me.
Man: Yeah, I think the movie won.

--AMC theater, Lincoln Square


Overheard by: Allison

I Didn't Know There Would Be a Quiz

Teen girl: Hey, I'm a Scientologist.
Tom Cruise: Oh, really? What echelon are you in?
Teen girl: [awkwardly quiet] Uh... number three?
Tom Cruise: Exactly.

--Mission: Impossible III gala premiere, TriBeCa Film Festival, BMCC


Overheard by: mademoiselle schaeffer

Even Ebert Didn't Catch That

Man: Is Tom Hanks married to Rita Wilson?
Two women: Yeah.
Man: Is that why they called the Volleyball "Wilson" in Cast Away?

--97th & 5th


Overheard by: Rob Dobrenski

The Trailers Will Go Down in History

Journalism professor: Can anyone, for extra credit, give me two words to describe this day that will go down in history?

Silence

Professor: I'll give you a clue -- it has to do with President Bush.
Random student: "Mission accomplished!"
Girl #1 to her friend: Mission Impossible? What does Tom Cruise have to do with Bush?
Girl #2: Yeah, I know, that movie isn't even out yet!

--Silver Center, NYU

Wednesday One-Liners Go to Mass

Guy: [something in Spanish]... how do you say "altar boy"? You know, the ones whose little dicks the priest sucks?

--7th & Ave A


Overheard by: Jenny B

Bison Burger Up for Mr. Polanski

Waiter: Would you like to order now?
Man: No, I'm waiting for my sister.
Waiter: You said before that you were waiting for your wife.
Man: No, I didn't. I said it was my sister.
Waiter: No, you didn't.
Man: Would you like to be in movies?
Waiter: No, why?
Man: You have a really nice speaking voice. You should think about it.
Waiter: You really think so?
Man: Yeah. I make movies. You should give it a try.

--Lyric Diner, 22nd & 3rd

She's Bipartisan, But It's Just a Phase

Girl: Are you a conservative or a liberal?
Guy: I know all teenagers are supposed to be liberal, but I'm pretty conservative.
Girl: Oh my god, I know exactly what you mean. I was conservative until last week when I saw V for Vendetta. How hot is Natalie Portman?

--Bronx High School of Science

Well Baby, I Went Down and Got It For You

Guy: Hey, isn't that the painting from the Titanic?
Girlfriend: That is not even a possibility.
Guy: [looks confused] Well then, it's one of them. And look! It was made in 1917!

--Metropolitan Museum of Art

The One Who Doesn't Know Her Place

Little girl: Do you have HBO DIRECTV?
Little boy: I don't know.
Little girl: If you have HBO, you do. My favorite movie is on there: Titanic. It's about a girl who loves a boy and they're all frozen at the end.
Little boy: Who gets slapped?

--F train


Overheard by: stephanie k

God Will Never Fix Him Now

Crazy guy: I give you Jesus!
Blind man: Is that Mel Gibson? You nitwit!

--97th & Broadway

My Money's on Julie the Horse-faced Girl

Crazy guy: Jodie Foster is a top notch actress!
Girl: Okay.
Crazy guy: Julia Roberts is going down!
Girl: Are they going to fight?

--Shubert Theater, West 44th Street

Now It's "Intentional"

Girl: I really enjoy going to movies by myself these days. Most of the guys I date, we don't have same taste in movies.
Guy: That's a great idea. Plus, you don't get some weirdo trying to
"inadvertantly" place your hand on his cock.

--L train


Overheard by: Vivian

There Go the First Two Rules

Drunk guy #1: Let's start the East Village Fight Club.
Drunk guy #2: I'm in.
Drunk guy #1: The only rule of this particular fight club is you have to let your victim know you are beating the crap out of them for being too hip.

--7B, Avenue B

Wednesday One-liners Hit the Premiere

Guy: The thing about Cronenberg is that you have to appreciate him in
context to what he does...which is often unappreciable.

--Belmont Lounge, East 15th Street

Never Forget

Woman #1: God, that was so funny when all of those Nazis walked into the courtroom and their hairstyles were like Hitler's!
Man: Well, I mean, it makes sense, I guess. You know, people always copy famous people when it comes to stuff like that.
Woman #2: Yeah, like remember when I had that terrible Dorothy Hamill haircut?

--Houston Street station

Seems the Rancor is Alive

Dad: Do you think I want to talk about princesses 24 hours a day?
Little girl: No.
Dad: What do you think I want to talk about?
Little girl: Star Wars.

--Rector & Greenwich

In a New York State of Mind

Woman #1: Don't you hate taking the train so early in the morning? I take it every day.
Woman #2: Could you not talk to me?

--A train


Overheard by: aida

They Were Seeing Red

Chick #1: There was too much talking in that movie and not enough action.
Chick #2: Yeah. It was all like too much communism and shit.

--AMC Empire 25, West 42nd Street


Overheard by: Nico Westerdale

They Also Watch Their Kids Get Eaten

Girl: Hey, what's this about?
Guy: Uh, it's a documentary.
Girl: So they just march around?

--Borders, Time Warner Center


Overheard by: JHA

What's the Catch?

Chick #1: We can watch Lackawanna Blues tonight.
Chick #2: I can't watch another black movie. I watched one last night.
Chick #1: What'd you watch last night?
Chick #2: Hitch.

--Office, Wall & William

That's Being Chi-curious

Girl #1: Wow. Akiva Goldsmith's really made something for himself...for a Jew.
Girl #2: God you're a racist.
Girl #1: What makes me a racist? I'm part Jewish.
Girl #2: An hour ago you asked me why all Asians look the same.

--Loews Lincoln Square, West 68th Street


Overheard by: Pop Iris

The Mona Lisa Just Burst Out Laughing

Guy: Hey, you seen that movie Grizzly Man yet?
Girl: No, but I really really want to.
Guy: Yeah, it's so good. Hey, you know they're making a movie about the bear guy? Already! And guess who's starring in it!
Girl: I dunno...
Guy: Leonardo da Vinci!
Girl: Who?
Guy: You know! Leonardo da Vinci! Leonardo da Vinci!

--New School elevator, 13th & 5th


Overheard by: Halli Civelek

Something Dimwitted This Way Comes