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We Won't Know Until the Eggs Hatch
Guy #1: ... And then I got hit by a car.
Guy #2: Are you a mutant?
--Cafeteria, The New School
Overheard by: katie caroline
Aw, Fuck This -- Let's Just Play Strip Candyland Like Usual
Nine-year-old boy: Would you rather be naked in public or in front of a hundred boys? Including me...
Nine-year-old girl: A hundred boys. Would you rather be naked in front of this whole bus or just this back half?
Nine-year-old boy: Just the back half... Wait... You're in the back half, right?
--M79 crosstown bus, Central Park
Overheard by: Rachel
While I Listen to Beethoven's Fifth
Punk chick: So, what do you masturbate to?
Punk singer: What do you mean, what do I masturbate to?
Punk chick: Like, what do you look at?
Punk singer: I guess I look at my dick.
--CBGB
Overheard by: Jimmy Guthrie
Myra Began to See How It Might Be Fun
Girl #1, reading menu: Cheese and onion pasties...
Girl #2: How can that be true?
--The Cake Shop
Overheard by: Ryan
If You Want to Get Thrown to the Rats
Child: Mommy, look! Do you see that rat?!
Mother: Yes.
Child: Oooh, Mommy, look! Do you see that piece of paper?!
Mother: Yes.
Child: Oooh, Mommy! Can I bite you?!
Mother: Yes.
--PATH
I Confirm All My Reality These Days
Hobo: Hey, is this a movie theater?
Woman behind counter: Yeah. What did you think it was?
Hobo: A movie theater.
--Sunshine Theaters, Houston
Overheard by: Jonathan Rosenblit
It's Always Been Gay
Latino: I took my kids to that gay pride parade they have down here. Rainbow flags everywhere. Man, you guys stole our flag!
Queer: Whose flag? Puerto Rico's?
Latino: What?
Queer: What was the rainbow flag before it was gay?
Latino: I don't know.
--BarMinnow, 9th & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Guess I stole his flag too
Also, I May Need to Be Changed
Thug: Yo, I need to get this shit cashed.
Clerk: Do you have an account, sir?
Thug: Yeah, but I ain't got my card or my number.
Clerk: Sir, I need your social security number, then.
Thug: Aight, hold up. [Pulls out phone] Hey, Mommy, what's my social again?
--Chase Bank, Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Tabitha
To Be Fair, No One Knows Why Bob Saget Has a Career
Little Asian girl: But why?
Mom: I don't know, honey.
Little Asian girl: But why?
Mom: I just said that I don't know!
Little Asian girl: But why don't you know, Mommy?
Mom: Because Mommy's stupid.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Miranda
With My Ear
Chick #1: Where's your tooth?
Chick #2: In my shoe.
--18th & 4th
Big, Fake Ones
Columbia student volunteer: So, who knows what soy milk is?
Fourth grade girls: [Silence.]
Columbia student volunteer: Well, soy milk tastes like milk, but it's made with beans.
Fourth grader: Hold the phone -- beans has titties?
--P.S. 125
Overheard by: alexandra
I Need to Know What to Say in the Emergency Room
Stoner #1: Why am I so high?
Barista: Because you snorted cheese?
Stoner #2: Was it Parmesan or cheddar?
--Tully's
I Said I Don't Know
Girl #1: What sign are you?
Girl #2: I don't know.
Girl #1: I'm Capricorn as fuck.
--44th & 3rd
Overheard by: ana
Save That for Your Term Papers
English teacher: Midas wanted everything he touched to turn to gold. What did he touch?
Student: His stuff...?
English teacher: Let's not even go there.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
So Close I Got Squeezed out and Ended up Here
Worker: So, where are you from?
Asian guy: Ummm, Fresh Meadows, Queens.
Worker: No, really, where are you from? Like, overseas?
Asian guy: Taiwan.
Worker: Oh. How do you say 'Hi'?
Asian guy: Ni hao.
Worker: That's like the same as Chinese right?
Asian guy: Yeah.
Worker: Is it because the countries are really close?
--OMG store, Soho
Overheard by: Larry Liou
Correct -- the Man Wins a Free Cavity Search!
TSA officer: You will be going through a metal detector. The key words here are 'metal' and 'detector.' Now, let's play a game called 'What Is My Metal Belt Buckle Made Of?' What is my belt buckle made of?
Male on line: Metal?!
--JFK Airport
Overheard by: Philly Blunt
Also His Answer to "How Are You?" and "Some Weather, Huh?"
Guy #1: So, what year did you graduate from school?
Guy #2: Harvard.
--Snooty party, Bronx
Overheard by: Ladle
When Engorged, It Looks Freakishly Like Ryan Reynolds
Hetero dude: ... So it was just like the movie Smoking Aces, except it was your penis?
Queer: Exactly!
--Peculier Pub
There Was Abundant Opportunity for a "Help Me with My Organ" Joke
Chick to guy on cell: Excuse me -- this is a random question, but are you a piano tuner?
Guy on cell, pausing to stare at chick: That is the most random question someone has ever asked me in my entire life. [Walks away.]
--Clinton & Joralemon, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: WTF?
None of Them Would Talk to Me
Preppy guy #1: How was that bar in Midtown?
Preppy guy #2: Dude, it was awesome... It was full of hot chicks.
Preppy guy #1: If it was so great, why did you text me eight times in one hour and are now standing next to me pissing at this bar?
--Restroom, Delancey Bar
Overheard by: Al
Although a Long Bubble Bath and a Cup of Earl Grey Are Quite Delightful as Well
Black guy: What the fuck is wrong with you? How are you not gonna like pussy?
Friend, with cornrows: 'Cause, fool! There's only one thing better, and that's money.
Black guy, concurring: The only thing.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Sleepy Monkey
She's Used to All That Pseudo-Italian Crap
Woman #1, pointing to smallest cup: So, what size is this?
Barista: That's a small.
Woman #1: And what size is this?
Barista: That's a medium.
Woman #1: And so what size is this?
Barista: That's a large.
Woman #2: Wow, this has been the most fascinating exchange I've heard in quite some time.
--9th St Espresso, East Village
Overheard by: Shankalicious
We Don't Hold with Furrin Music
German vendor: Hello.
Midwestern kid: Look, chocolate.
German vendor: Do you know Mozart chocolate?
Midwestern kid: No.
German vendor: But do you know Mozart?
Midwestern mom: No.
--Christmas market, Columbus Circle
If You Do, I'll Show You My Extensions
Boyfriend: Have you ever had a weave? Or, like, extensions?
Girlfriend: No! Do I look black to you?
--LIRR
Like, Those Oreo Cookie Things?
Old European guy, exasperated: Was Moses a hydrologist?
--Central Park
Their Names Are "Delirium" and "Tremens"
Girl: What's the deal with New York's bagels, anyway? I mean, they're delicious! What do you think New Yorkers do differently to their bagels that makes them so... Oh, look at you! You're too drunk to keep up with me because I'm speaking so rapidly.
Drunk guy: I'm listening to your rabbits!
--NYU
Overheard by: Evan Regas
Shouldn't Have Laughed So Hard at the Poor People
JAP halting mid-stride: Wait a sec... Why are my pants wet?!
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: my boyfriend is a grizzly bear
Headline by: John
Runners-Up:
· "And Who Dropped That Baby?" - trade800
· "Bob the Urinating Hobo Ninja Strikes Again" - Darryl S.
· "Did A Bag Of Money Just Walk By?" - Jolly
· "The Joys Of Unknown Pregnancy Coming Full Term" - The Lazy Canadian
· "This Eventually Happens to Every New Yorker" - Dagre
· "Was Too Busy Shopping to Be Toilet Trained" - G
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It Looks Like Goodwill, Honey, but I Wanted to Give You the Benefit of the Doubt
Fortune teller: Excuse me, miss, where did you get your dress?
Pretty brunette: Don't you know?
--Mulberry & Canal
Was Another Boy Fucking Him?
High school dancer #1: Like, oh my god, I had the weirdest dream the other night... I was fucking Brendan Urie from Panic! at the Disco.
High school dancer #2: Wow... I need details! Did you get wet? Was he on top? Was I in the bed?
--Central Park
Overheard by: thatgirlrightthere
She's Got a Few Yellows for Unsprtsmanlike Conduct
Father: So, do you have a green card?
Nanny: No, but I'm getting one soon.
Two-year-old boy: Do you have a red one, too?!
--Central Park
Overheard by: heading to the darfur rally
NewsFlash: Dispatcher Beaten to Death by Canes. Memorial at Elmont Cemetery Planned.
Old man, with wife: How much is it to Elmont Cemetery?
Car service dispatcher: Will that be one way, or round-trip?
--E 19th St & Ave U, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Arthur
Tell Her a Quarter Is Two Bits and Watch Her Head Explode
Girl counting her money: Excuse me, ma'am -- are there four quarters in a dollar?
Older lady: Yes, my dear.
Girl: Oh, great! Thanks!
--Times Square station
Their Penises Are Stuck in the Sheep
Teacher: How come the people in Australia don't fall off the bottom of the Earth?
First grade girl: Super Glue!
First grade boy: Because they have their shoes on!
--P.S. 86, Bronx
Overheard by: Wendy
Oliver Twist: 2006
Dad, sternly: Do you have money? [Three-year-old looks at him, almost in tears, and barely shakes his head.] If you don't have money, how are we going to get McDonald's?
--Wyckoff Ave
Overheard by: thankful I don't have to deprive my non-existent kid
Actually, That's Just the Way His Hair Grows, You Insensitive Bitch
Woman to man in Yankees hat: Do you know if the Yankees won today?
Man: Sorry, you're talking to the wrong guy. I don't follow sports.
Woman to man in Yankees hat: ... So you just wear the hat, then?
--2 train
Overheard by: Caty
Strictly Speaking, Only Oklahoma Is "OK"
Man: So, how was Missouri?
Woman: I was in Vermont.
Man: How was Vermont?
Woman: It was okay.
Man: Was it?
--1166 6th Ave
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
A Gay Man Told Her about "Killer Shorts"
Blonde: So, where'd y'all go on vacation?
Brunette: Bermuda.
Blonde: And y'all came back alive?!
--Union Square
Dog and Pony Shows, However, Can Be Incredibly Nuanced
Yuppie #1: Yeah, I've been to a few donkey shows... You know there are different types, right?
Yuppie #2, hesitantly: Um, yeah... I went to one once and pretty much got the point.
--Yankee Stadium
Save Your Money and Invest It Wisely
Lady facing sign reading "Security": Excuse me -- where can I find security?!
Hapless intern: Um...
--New York-Presbyterian Hospital
Overheard by: i hate hospitals
He Only Turns on the Psychic Powers If You Sound Pretty
Chick on cell: How long will it be for a cab to Forest Hills?
Deadpan dispatcher: About 15 minutes.
Chick on cell: Ohhh... How long will it be if I call back in half an hour?
Deadpan dispatcher: I can't predict the future, ma'am.
--Kew Gardens, Queens
Overheard by: Stephanie
I Teach a Class at the Community College on Wednesday Evenings
Dude to female friend: How can a woman be charged with sexual harassment?
Trashy white lady passerby: Wanna find out?
--W 8th & MacDougal
If You Fuck Seattle Just Right, It Will Achieve Oregon
Chick #1: Where the fuck is Seattle?
Chick #2: Oregon.
--55th & 3rd
Overheard by: Meghan
The Koran Talks about Bus Stops?
Professor-like man: Excuse me, are you a Muslim?
Muslim man, slightly hesitant: Yes, why?
Professor-like man: Well, I was hoping you could answer a question I have about the Koran that I've been wondering about for a while. [Muslim man nods.] Can you tell me everything the Koran says about female circumcision?
Muslim man: Is there a bus stop nearby?
--Outside Columbia University subway entrance
Overheard by: Matthew
Reader Poll: Should Jack Be Worried?
20-ish girl: Jack is going to Vegas for a bachelor party Friday. Should I be worried? What really happens at those things, anyway?
30-ish guy: It depends. The last one I went to was pretty low-key, but I've been to plenty of crazy bachelor weekends with strippers and a double-ended dildo.
20-ish girl: That's it?! I've been to tons of parties with strippers and dildos. That's not that crazy.
30-ish guy: When's Jack back?
20-ish girl: Sunday.
30-ish guy: I think I might have a party Saturday.
--Union Square
The Guy Code Says We Can't Discuss It, Though
Guy #1: Dude, have you ever done it in blood?
Guy #2: Uh, yeah...
--Columbia University
They're Kind of Like Protective Goggles
Little girl, looking at teen with glasses: Why do you wear glasses?
Little boy: Because she farts too much!
--Austin St, Forest Hills
To Forget How Bald You Are?
Little kid, jumping up and down: Mommy, Mommy! Are you baaald?
Mother, covering face with hand: I need a drink.
--168th & Broadway
Overheard by: Melissa Coppola
Don't Do Any Additional Killing
MTA announcement: Due to an earlier incident, service on the number one line is running slowly. Please be patient.
Girl on stairs: Please be patient... What do they mean?
--59th St station
Overheard by: Sibyl
More Like the Reason We Need Them
Dad: Let's go to St. Patrick's!
Kid: ... Is that another bar?
--51st & 5th
Overheard by: Kelly
You Tell Me -- He's Right There Next to the Tuna
Fish guy: Yeah, my dad died of colon cancer in 2001.
Blonde: Oh, how's he doing?
--Grocery store, Astoria
Overheard by: Dustin
Headline by: Mr. Gee
Runners-Up:
· "'Great Listener' Is On Her Resumee" - Denny
· "Decomposing Quite Nicely, Thank You for Asking" - RBNY
· "I'd Say His Condition Is Stable" - Tadzio
· "Rolling Over About Now" - Kaitlen
· "Rotting, No Doubt" - Katy
· "Well, Mom Won't Share a Bed with Him Anymore." - Cassie
· "Worst Pick-up, Best Blow-off" - halfknot
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Then Who Did I Make Out with in the Lighting Booth?
College girl #1: So, like, when we were in high school and sharing dressing rooms for drama stuff, were you ever, like, attracted to me?
College girl #2: No.
College girl #1: Oh... [Very put out] Not at all?!
--108th & Broadway
Legions of Angels Will Bear You to Wichita
Annoyed gate lady: Sorry, sir, the plane is being delayed one hour and could be delayed longer.
Frequent flyer: What if I get upgraded to first class?
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Mike
Not in the Same Way That You Have One, Though
Young Asian man to Asian woman with baby, while touching baby's foot: She is so soft. Does she have bones yet?
Asian mom: Yes, she has bones!
--L train
Overheard by: Lisa
Details, Details
20-ish chick #1: Does he even know who I am?
20-ish chick #2: The guy who took pictures of you naked?
--Las Ramblas, W 4th St
Overheard by: Ladle
Crocs, for Instance -- Explain.
Professor: Obviously, this was a very difficult sound to pronounce. Not Latin, Greek, or even Sanskrit uses it. It does not occur outside of the proto-Indo-European language.
Student: Why did they use it?
Professor: They didn't.
Student: I mean the Indo-Europeans -- if it was so difficult to pronounce, why would--
Professor, interrupting: Why the hell does anybody do anything?!
--Etymology class, Hunter College
Or a Very Kinky Odyssey of the Mind Event
Guy #1: Whose job is it to mix up the Rubik's Cube for those competitions?
Guy #2: You mean, like a Rubik's Cube fluffer?
Guy #1: That's a good name for a band.
--MoMA
Or Aborting Fetuses?
Hobo: Can I ask you a Republican question?
Girl: Yes.
Hobo: Do you like Christmas?
--1 train
Hell of a Time for You to Develop a Sense of Wonder
Little boy pointing at painting: Mama, why are there so many colors?
Mother: Shit, ain't you color-bind or somethin'?
--MoMA
And/Or Strange Men Who Approach You with Non Sequiturs?
Skinny hipster reading Windorphins ad to two buddies, in droll voice: Not only that, they are somewhere between super and duper.
Chubby dude across from them: So, are you guys into Updike?
--5 train
Just the Bottom Half
Girl: My arms are too short for this pose.
Yoga instructor: You're Hungarian, aren't you?
--New York Sports Club, Harlem
Overheard by: Samantha
Just When You Thought It Would Be Cool to Have a Personal Troubadour
Guy on office phone: Is that because of your placenta?
Guy next to him, singing: Is that because of your placentaaa?
--25th & Madison
Overheard by: Shan Agra
The Jeremy-Said-So Defense Totally Stands Up in Court
Teen #1: Is it legal for someone to fuck someone under 18?
Teen #2: Uh, I think so.
Teen #1: Oh, okay.
--7th & Broadway
Arthur, I Hate This Game
Aged hippie: Would you rather have a housewife on Prozac or a babysitter on acid? [Friend shrugs.] Well, I'd rather have a babysitter on acid!
--Central Park
Overheard by: MRA
I'm Regretting Removing the Tape from Your Mouth
Guy: You know -- it's Dow Jones and NASDAQ.
Girl: Who are they? Those guys that died?
--14th & Park Ave South
Isn't This an at-Home Conversation?
Little girl, squeezing mom's breast: Mom, what are these for?
Mom: Shhh...
Little girl: Mom, did I suck on them when I was littler?
Mom: Shhh...
Little girl: You know, Mom, like a cow? [Bends over and pretends to drink.]
Mom: Like a cow?
Little girl: Yeah, did I milk you like a cow?
--N train
That and This Cattle Prod
Salesguy #1, about teen crowd blocking the door: Do you want to tell them to leave?
Salesguy #2: No.
Salesguy #1: Why not?
Salesguy #2: Because I don't want to get my ass whooped, that's why! [Teens leave a few minutes later.] See, they're gone! It's all in the power of positive thinking!
--T-Mobile Store, 732 Broadway
Or Just Tell You to Burn Things, Like My Voices?
Kid: Hi! My name is Chris.
Employee: Hello.
Kid: What's that on your head?
Employee: It's a headset, so I can hear people talk.
Kid: Do they tell you secrets?
--Dunkin' Donuts
I Don't Think Normal Has Much to Do with That, Dude
College kid: So, your mom still threw you in the bathtub when you were 12 years old?
Unfortunate friend: Yeah. But, I was, like, a hundred pounds back then!
College kid: But dude, like, sponge bath?
Unfortunate friend, incredulously: Yeah! Like all the normal bathtub shit!
--Washington Square Park
Here, Take the Address of This Leather Bar
Queer tourist: What are your favorite places to go?
Local girl: I love the Met.
Queer tourist: What is that?
Local girl: The greatest art museum. It is so amazing.
Queer tourist: So, there's art there?
Local girl: Um, yeah. It's an art museum.
Queer tourist: So, it's all art?
--R train platform, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
The Movie That Made New York What It Is Today
Man, slamming on hood of taxi inching forward: Hey! I'm walkin' here! [Turns to people behind him] Where's that from?
Lady passerby: Midnight Cowboy!
--50th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Like to Think of It As Borrowing
Young boy to another, whispering: I'm gonna knock you off ,and then I'm gonna steal your M&Ms.
--FAO Schwartz
Overheard by: amused tourist
Cabbie: Something wicked just crossed my mind. One dark night I'm going to come here and steal all the stop signs.
--Roosevelt Island
Overheard by: Suriya
Angry queer suit as a Honda's car alarm goes off: What the fuck?! What the fuck?! Nobody would ever try to steal that piece of shit!
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: C. Gray
Thug: Look, these glasses are f'real! I bought them off a nigga who had just stolen them from the jewelry store!
--125th & Broadway
Hipster chick on cell: Why don't you just stay at a real hotel where you can steal all the soaps and stuff?
--2nd St, between Bowery & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Jake
Little boy to little girl while nanny is distracted: I love outdoor shopping, because it's easier to steal things!
--11th & University
Overheard by: Cooper Cheatham
To Pop Out and Frighten Small Children?
Girl #1: Why do people get glass eyes? Can you see out of them?
Girl #2: No, I don't think so.
Girl #1: Then what's the point?
--34th St station
Call Me Hallucinojenny
Girl: Do you wanna do 'shrooms with me?
Guy: No way, man. I don't do drugs.
Girl: But drugs are awesome!
Guy: How about this -- since there's nothing more awesome than you, you can be my drug.
Girl: And then you can do me!
Guy: Okay... Well, that's not really where I was going with that, but alright.
Girl: Wow, shows you where my head is at.
--86th & Broadway
I Need an Occasional Reminder of How Bad It Can Be
Girl #1, outraged: How could you have sex without us?!
Girl #2: Relax -- it was with a guy.
--Columbia University
When Doctors Form Gangs
Little blond boy pointing to graffiti on bus seat: What does that say?
Mom: I don't know... It was written by someone with really bad handwriting.
--72nd Crosstown bus
How about the "My Little Cotton Pony Aisle"?
Woman: Why do they have to call it the 'feminine care aisle'?
Friend: I know! Why can't they just write 'Tampons'?
--CVS, Park Ave South
Why You Never See Toucan Sam Commercials Anymore
Building super #1: You seen that bird we got in the courtyard? That thing got a mad long beak.
Building super #2: It's probably a woodpecker.
Building super #1: It ain't no fuckin' woodpecker! Someone need to call the ASPCA or some shit before that thing bite someone and give 'em bird flu or some shit!
--2 train, 14th St
Overheard by: Chuckell
Could You Reiterate the Problem?
Guy #1: He almost got married to a 15-hundred-dollar a night hooker!
Guy #2: Really? So, what broke the deal?
Guy #1: He found out she was a 15-hundred-dollar a night hooker.
Guy #2: He wasn't paying her the whole time?
Guy #1: Naw, he was getting it for free!
Guy #2: Awesome.
--122nd & Broadway
This from the Kid Who Wants a Dora the Explorer Backpack?
Eight-year-old: But Dad, why are we in the bookstore if we're not buying books?
Dad: Because Daddy likes quiet places.
Eight-year-old: That sounds gay.
Dad, looking nervous: Shut up!
--Borders
Overheard by: Eyeoftherabbit
Let's Sit Far, Far Apart
Black guy #1: Yes, well, we look alike because we're fraternal twins.
Black guy #2: Yeah, you didn't know we were brothers?
White guy: Everyone said you guys were brothers, but I figured they meant 'brothas' and not actual brothers.
Black guy #1: Oh... Okay. Hey, look, we're at Shea.
--LIRR, Shea Stadium
Are You All Thinking What I'm Thinking?
Chirpy British lady: Ah, you like that all ovah, then?
Man with tattooed arms: ... Uh, a little bit [disembarks].
Chirpy British lady smiles around at other passengers.
--3 train
Overheard by: Hilary
You Know What a Girl Mustache Means, Right?
College dude #1: You know what I hate about New York?
College dude #2: What?
College dude #1: Female mustaches.
College dude #2: You don't think there are women with mustaches anywhere else?
College dude #1: No, but there are shitloads more here than anywhere else, and no one seems to care.
College dude #2: Touché.
--59th & 10th
First Those Towers Weren't There, and Now This!
Ticket seller: The statue is permanently closed, sir.
Tourist: What does that mean?
Ticket seller: The statue is permanently closed.
Tourist: For how long?
Ticket seller: Permanently.
--Battery Park
Do You Believe Energy Can't Be Created or Destroyed?
Young physicist: So, dude, are you gonna be around in a few months?
Old physicist: I sure hope so.
--Museum of Natural History
Always an Issue with Arm's-Length Relationships
Asian queer, looking over his shoulder: I think I jerked him off.
Italian queer: Who?
Asian queer: That guy in the green shirt... It's pretty bad when you can't keep track of all the people you've jerked off.
--Union Square
A Dumb Bitch Who Just Took Your Wallet, Bucko
Fat guy: I love you.
Cute girl: Do you really mean what you say, or are you just saying it?
Fat guy: Of course I mean it. [They make out, then chick leaves.] What a dumb bitch.
--W4 station
Overheard by: Ting
She's Probably Hearing the Siren Song of the Catholic Church
Fag hag: So, how's your hot cousin?
Queer: He's dating this girl now... She's cute, tall... Looks like Katie Holmes -- has the same look on her face.
Fag hag: What look is that?
Queer: You know -- sad.
--Nederlander Theatre
Overheard by: Crazy Legs Freddy
But the Source of Some Great Cheese
Drunk guy #1: Yo, how funny was that when I told him, 'Dude, just stick your balls in her mouth'? Remember that?
Drunk guy #2: Ewww, man, his balls are disgusting!
--LIRR
Overheard by: mrbojangles
When Some Ruffian Stole My Pocket Protector
Professor, as student's phone rings in class: Wow, that was loud. What band is that by?
Student: Well, I don't remember what the song is called, but it's by Panic! at the Disco.
Professor: Hmmm... I once panicked at the disco...
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
Never Come Back Here Again, Mr. Simpson
Customer: Do you sell Lacoste here?
Sales associate: No, but they have a door right down on Spring Street.
Customer: How do I get there?
Sales associate: You go out our front door, make a right, and at the intersection make a left and the Lacoste store is right around the corner.
Customer: And they sell Lacoste there?
--Bloomingdales, Soho
I Was Gonna Say "My Family," but You Make a Good Point
Girl: You wanna know something really, really, really fucked up?
Guy: What? Having sex with people?
--Mercer & Greene
Overheard by: waphle
I Heart New York (A Short Story)
Wheelbette: Excuse me, sir -- do you have the time?
Guy: Shut up.
--26th & 6th
Finally, a Phrase Everyone Can Use!
Queer: Can I bum a cigarette? I'm about to get my dick wet.
Flamboyant queer: That's something straight people say.
Queer: Can I bum a cigarette? I'm about to get my dick stinky.
--Soho
Overheard by: Daniel Scott
Even Though He Dumped Me for Steve?
Girl: But what if he doesn't want to have sex with me?
Male friend: Oh, please. Banging exes is like the number two national pastime to baseball.
--6 train
Then Buy Me a Fucking Popsicle Already
Son: Dad, can we buy Popsicles?
Dad: Why don't we make our own at home?
Son: Yay! I want to make seltzer flavor!
Dad, sighing: Well, that would just be an ice cube.
--C-Town, Park Slope
Overheard by: Hiland
Cornholerows
Salon receptionist calling man in waiting room: David*, you can pre-pay now.
David: I am here for a touch-up. I don't have to pay this time.
Salon receptionist: Oh, that's right -- what are you getting re-touched, again?
David: My buttocks... Y'know, my butt.
--7th Ave South & Greenwich Ave
With These Wednesday One-Liners, I Thee Wed
Man on phone: I thought you were calling to tell me you're getting married. That would have been terrible.
--45th & 8th
Overheard by: Lisa
Metromosexual on cell: Lady-fag and Rainblow Brite are getting married.
--Bedford & 5th, Brooklyn
Little Asian girl talking on toy cell: What? Tomorrow? Marry you?!
--Waiting room, Ft Greene Department of Health
Overheard by: nooners
Angry woman to loser husband: If you want this marriage to work, we need to move to Baltimore.
--Starbucks, 59th & Lex
Girl on cell: No, I don't think sleeping with her again will help... Because, honestly, you shouldn't be sleeping with anybody else... I mean, Jesus Christ, we are engaged!
--Starbucks, 23rd & 6th
Man to woman: So, he told you he wasn't dating anybody, but he didn't tell you he was married?
--11th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Are Serfectly Pober
Thugged-out camp counselor: Twenty dollars to get in?! This place better have an open bar 'n' some shit!
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: EthanK
Dude: Yo, this conversation is way too intellectual. Let's go -- I just wanna get drunk and find some hos...
--56th & 8th
Overheard by: JGT
30-ish dude on cell: Yeah, he was so drunk he tried to pay the tab with his health insurance card. Then he got mad when they wouldn't take it.
--43rd & 9th
Guy on phone: That bar sounds awful. I'll be right there!
--53rd & 3rd
The Mad Hatter's Wednesday One-Liners
Lady yuppie: I mean, at first I thought he was seriously psycho, but then I started to think, Maybe he's just being creative...
--Outside NY Public Library
Overheard by: Miss_Rach
Black guy to himself: I'm not like the rest of you -- I'm just an ordinary loon!
--52nd & 3rd
Overheard by: what?
Hobo: Does anybody have Amy Fisher's phone number? I love crazy chicks!
--R train
Old woman to middle-aged woman: You have to walk on the crazy side of the street.
--2nd & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: D-Law
Lady to another, pointing at Borough Hall: Is that place a mental institution?
--Stuyvesant Pl, outside SI Borough Hall
Leggo of the Goddamn Wednesday One-Liners!
Conductor: This Eighth Avenue-bound L train is now an express train to Eighth Avenue because a couple of you are idiots who thought holding the doors would get you where you're going faster. I hope this teaches you all a lesson.
--Union Square
Conductor: Please do not hold the closing doors! [Fifteen seconds later] Fine, hold the doors! I'm already at work!
--4 train
Overheard by: On-Nee-Mall
Indian MTA employee: Please do not hold the doors... [Slightly agitated] Please do not hold the doors! [Very agitated] Are you so stupid! Only someone stupid would hold the doors!
--1 train
Conductor: Do you people realize that there are 30 doors on this train? Must you all do a conga line in front of one of them?! Don't you need music for that?!
--96th St
Conductor: Stop holding the doors! You hold the doors open and the train doesn't run smoothly! And this is the only train in the city that works!
--7 train
Overheard by: EthanK
Dogs Don't Usually Burn Holes in Things
Queer #1, stopping at store window: I don't know. Should I? Well, actually, can I go in?
Queer #2: Sure you can. They let dogs in. Why can't you go in with a cigarette?
--The Village
... Here, Take This Candy.
Toddler in stroller: I... Want... Ball!
Young mother: Oh, like you've been good and now you deserve a ball? Are you kidding me?
--Duane Reade, 8th & Broadway
How about on This Side of the Hudson?
Professor: What's the second largest profession in the U.S.?
Jersey dude: Prostitutes!
--NYU
Or Sunday Morning at Katz's Deli?
Bimbette #1: So, like, for my essay I wrote about the Jew migration in the 19th century...
Bimbette #2: Oh my god, what Jew migration?! You mean, like, oh my god -- like Moses leading them out of Egypt like in the Red Sea?!
--Oakland Gardens, Queens
They Should Start Selling Souvenir Bandanas
Tourist girl: Oh my god, did you see them? Did you see the lesbians?
Bored guy friend: Yes.
Tourist girl: That was so cool!
--1st & York
Overheard by: Not quite as excited
Why Flight Attendants Hate Ventriloquists
Guy: Do you think you'd be able to take a dead fetus on a plane?
Girl: Maybe on a domestic flight.
--Barnard dorm
Overheard by: babs standigio
... About the Last White House Christmas Party
Dude #1: Hey, how do you say 'brains' in German?
Dude #2: I don't know. Why?
Dude #1: I need it for that movie I'm making -- 'Nazi Zombies.'
--Barnes & Noble, 8th & 6th
You Should Swim
Employee #1: So, if a nine-eleven happens, I need to stand across the park?
Employee #2: You gotta get away from tall buildings.
Employee #1: Hell, if a nine-eleven happens, I'm going to Long Island. Nobody cares about Long Island.
--Jamba Juice, 22nd & 5th
Voldemort's Always Playing Hard to Get
Girl #1: Are we talking about 'He who shall not be named'?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: So, fuck him!
Girl #2: I should.
--Subway restaurant
Oh, Right -- Because Denigration Keeps Me Skinny
Drunk hobo to pretty girl: You are not pretty, you are not beautiful, and no one likes you.
Pretty girl, after hobo leaves train: Why do I live in this city?!
--4 train
Anybody Wants a Kidney, Be My Guest
Guy to girl: I never hooked up when I was blacked out.
Hobo: You never blacked out from liquor?! I'm about to!
--23rd & 2nd
Conductor, Direct Thyself
Male conductor over the speakers: This is the express train! Next stop: Roosevelt Avenue.
Female conductor over the speakers: Shit, this is the express?!
--E train, Queens Plaza station
Do You Want to Start Learning Things? Do You?!
Little boy, passing gym: Oooh, they're doing exercises in an exercises store!
Little girl: Is that their job?
Mother: I told you to stop asking so many damn questions!
--B51 bus, Brooklyn
Hobo Payback, and This Time It's Biblical!
Hobo: Can I have some?
Teen eating apple: No.
Hobo: Thank you.
Teen: ... Ow, my conscience.
--6 train station
Overheard by: Annie
Dr. Frankenstein Promised Me Free Upgrades
Girl maker-outer, pulling away: Why you so ugly?
Guy maker-outer: Don't you worry 'bout that, baby. [They continue making out.]
--F train
Overheard by: steph
"Who" or "Why" Might Have Triggered Violence
Crazy Asian to strangers: What?!
Guy: What?! [Each continues their separate path.]
--Essex & Rivington
Barbara Bush Is So Fucking Self-righteous
Little girl seeing naked cowgirl: Mommy, how come I can see that lady's boobies?
Mommy: Well, she's letting everybody know it's okay to breast feed.
--46th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chadwick Vogel
Headline by: mbobbinson
Runners-Up:
· "...for Tips" - Melissa
· "And Why Did Daddy Just Walk Into a Pole?" - TJ
· "Her Thong Lets Everyone Know Tips Are Appreciated" - Dangello
· "How Come I Can See Her Vagina?" - Peter Madsen
· "Later, She'll Ride the Mechanical Bull and Serve Us Milkshakes" - Dawn Elizabeth
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Have Hose Anxiety
Dude: No way!
Friend: Why? You never peed at a firehouse?
--W 19th & 7th
Um, All I Said Was, "Are You My New Roommate?"
Girl: So, do you know anything about the Holocaust?
Roommate: Like what?
Girl: I don't know -- like, fun facts or something?
--Dorm, Columbia
More Like Banana Republic
Teen girl: Do you ever feel that you look like a banana when you smile?
Friend: No...
--60th & Broadway
I Think I Saw This on an Episode of Sliders
Hip girl: What's up with that airline?
Friend: What do you mean?
Hip girl: The flight attendants were all straight men.
--JFK
Overheard by: A random
What's the Word for a Fear of Latex?
Dude: So, did you ever wear a condom in Haiti?
World traveler guy: No.
Dude: Were you scared?
--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Not Going to Haiti
Rats Flee Your Mighty Shadow
Coworker #1: Is it just me, or are the rats in New York getting smaller? Seriously!
Coworker #2: Maybe you're just getting bigger.
--D train platform, Rockefeller Center
What's This "We" Shit?
Man pushing stroller: Do we have a bottle?
Bitchy wife: No, we have my breasts.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Aaron Padwee
Headline by: Danny
Runners-Up:
· "I Can't Beat You With Those" - Digeridude
· "I Meant for the Baby." - thisdaydreamer
· "Shall I Preheat Them For You?" - Mike Curry
· "They're in the Diaper Bag" - Bri
· "Well Pop a Top, Beeyotch!" - Pozo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Wednesday One-Liners Wear Taped Glasses
Guy to cooks: So, do you guys just sit around all night making up medieval names for each other?
--Pizza shop, 2nd Ave & St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: mangledorf
Nerd on cell: I waited five years to get a girlfriend, and I finally got one and I just couldn't take it!
--Dunkin' Donuts, 14th St
Overheard by: Jo
Chick on cell: Whoa, did I just refer to Voldemort in a romantic context? What is happening to me?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Dork: Wow, 200 points of magic! Well, that would truly be a day of sorcery.
--LIRR
NYU student: So, Yoda is more masculine than Sophocles?
--NYU
Overheard by: waphle
Possibly Some of Mine
Woman on cell: I mean, my God -- do I look like I've had children?
Suit passerby: Yes.
--53rd & Lex
Overheard by: paratactical
I Mean, I Assume He's Sleeping with Her
Woman #1: You know that wasn't a real woman, right?
Woman #2: I don't know, I don't know. I gotta ask my husband. He'll know.
--23rd & 3rd
... Are You As Turned on As I Am?
Guy: I'm exhausted as fuck.
Chick: Good for you.
Guy: Shut up, you twunt.
Chick: Did you just try to combine 'twat' and 'cunt'?
Guy: Some of my friends created it.
Chick: No wonder it's retarded. It completely takes away from both insults, which are perfectly functional and to the point by themselves.
Guy: You're such a little bitch.
--181st & Ft. Washington
Overheard by: LSB
Guy: Not Much, Mom. You?
Chick #1: Hey, you ever been with a guy and then his mom calls, and he, like, picks up?
Chick #2: You mean during sex?!
Chick #1: Yeah.
Chick #2: Hell no!
Chick #1: So, you've never been with a Jewish guy, then?
--G train
Overheard by: Kelly Kell
I Meant This Eye on the Pyramid
Two-year-old boy, looking at dollar bill: Mama, is this Jesus on the money?
Mother: Well, sort of. He was like Jesus for America.
--Times Square
Overheard by: MeganMama
Don't Try to Understand Hobo Scavenger Hunts
Hobo: Excuse me, is this the Six Train?
Young guy: Yes.
Hobo: Thank you [urinates on rail].
--6 train platform, Astor Pl
That's a Television, Mr. President.
Man sitting outside building: Hey, Angelo! You know why I sit over here?
Bored doorman: Why?
Man: You can see those midgets straight through there gettin' in and out of that box! They do things you wouldn't believe! Outfits and everything!
--77th St, between Lex & 3rd Ave
Headline by: nick
Runners-Up:
· "Count Me In!" - Lalaith
· "And with a Little Peanut Butter, You Can Get Them to Lick You anywhere." - Jeff P
· "Dude, That's a Fucking Playground" - s h
· "Like Babies but Cuter!" - Tellulah
· "Otis Gets Cable" - D. Kareem
· "That Box? Lindsay Lohan." - sweetchuck
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Times New Roman
Rude famous guy: Do you know who I am?!
Waitress: No... But I know your type...
--Blue Water Grill, Union Square
Overheard by: Martin
Mom's Explanations Never Clarify Anything
Eight-year-old boy: So they were poisoned?
Mom: Yes.
Eight-year-old boy: Like the monkey?
Mom: No, like the boy with the Tic Tacs.
Eight-year-old-boy: Oh.
--55 Water St
Overheard by: Billy Splatts!
I Know What You Did in College, Dad
Little girl: Daddy, are there people inside the big balloons?
Father: Only in Scooby-Doo. He's a carnivore.
--77th & Columbus
Who Would Be Middle Aged And Be Sober?
Middle-aged lady: Look at that girl! Drunk and it's not even four PM!
Friend: She's not drunk, it's just her shoes!
Middle-aged lady: But... Who would wear high heels and be sober?
--1st & 1st
Overheard by: eliza... the one with the heels
Headline by: Lalaith
Runners-Up:
· "British Comedians in Drag?" - Barry P.
· "I'll Take Old Trades for $100, Alex" - Martin de Bruin
· "She's Also Not a She. Not Originally Anyway." - eric bostrom
· "The Same People Who Wear Crocs While Not Stoned Out Of Their Minds" - Cecilia
· "With Ann Coulter, You Can Never Be Sure." - Jon T
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Every Straight Man. Every Single Time.
Girl holding tally sheet: Do you want to stick this in my thinger?
Male coworker: You're lucky it's me. In the real world--
Girl holding tally sheet: --In the real world people wouldn't take it there.
--NYU SCPS
Overheard by: she's lucky i'm gay
Where the Fuck Are Wednesday One-Liners?
20-ish girl: Is this the line for the park?
--Line for Neue Gallery, 85th & Madison
Elderly Hindu getting off bus: Where is New York?
--Port Authority
High school girl looking at Lincoln Center: Oh my god, what's that mall over there?!
--64th & Broadway
Overheard by: Peter
Pharmacy employee: Can I get to the UK by train or something?
--110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rebecca Cukier
Bimbette: Madagascar was made up for the movie, right?
--The Met
I Had No Idea You Were That Sort of Person
Teen girl #1: What do you want to do now?
Teen girl #2: Get something to eat.
Teen girl #1: Ew!
--59th & Columbus
When Goth Club and the Gay Caucus Meet at the Same Time
Thugette #1: What's it gonna be, girl? The dick or the blood?
Thugette #2: The blood, girl. It's always the blood!
--Queens Library, Jamaica
Overheard by: Whatthefuckaretheytalkingabout?
All Indicators Are Green, Sir
Guy: Do you know how a penis works?
Chick: Yeah, but they are usually in my mouth.
--Houston St
Overheard by: HA
Or Rubber and Easily Stored?
Black teen #1: I got a new girlfriend.
Black teen #2: Is she nice and thick or big and nasty?
--J train
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Doctor's Note
Chick to another: She's a weed-smoking, modern orthodox girl. I mean, I don't think she goes to her rabbi's high, but...
--Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: cole
Professor: ... So the art department on the set just smokes pot all day and paints blue boulders.
--Media Productions class, City College
Mini thug: Yo, I wouldn't even have to be high out of my mind to enjoy this shit!
--Brooklyn Cyclone, Coney Island
Overheard by: Alie
Smoking model on cell: Um, yeah, he's cute... But, duh -- he's addicted to opiates!
--Houston & Laffayette
Overheard by: Jake
Hobo to girls: How are you smiling in a city filled with a million crackheads?
--56th & 5th
Guy on a rant in front of Imagine mosaic: In my next life I want to be an amoeba! Make more music, smoke more pot... Eating healthily is expensive! We should all have 40 acres and a mule and start all over!
--Strawberry Fields, Central Park
Overheard by: I'll have what he's having
... Or One of My Exes?
Lady yelling at old guy: Where you goin' today, Harold?!
Old man, smiling: You my wife?
--Q station, Cortelyou Rd, Brooklyn
Overheard by: cloisterpunk
How Can I Help with Your Typical Teenage Problems?
Teen: Are you there, God?
Techie in catwalks: Is that you, Margaret?
--Sheepshead Bay
Overheard by: Ilysse
Sweetie, This Is America -- Real Isn't Real
Dude: Who would win in a fight, Pinhead or Predator?
Chick: Definitely Predator.
Dude: But wait -- is pinhead real?
--Brooklyn
The Game -- 'Gaining Control by Withholding Information'
Father: Do you have to pee?
Son: No.
Father: Do you have to poo?
Son: Maybe.
Father: It kind of matters.
--Restroom, Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Jon A.
Clearly You've Never Seen a Cow Do a Beer-Bong
Drunk chick: Oh my god! Is AOL 'America online'?
Friend: Ummm, yes.
Drunk chick: Holy crap!
Friend: What did you think it was?
Drunk chick: Who the fuck are you? And why do you want to sell me something, you dirty sloot?
Friend: I'm your friend, and you're drunk.
Drunk chick: I am as sober as a cow.
Friend: What the hell?
Drunk chick: What does AOL stand for?
--Grand Central
Overheard by: noelle
It'd Be Goodbye, Valtrex
Dog owner to pup bugging drunk girl: Heel, dog, heel.
Drunk girl's friend: Oh my god, what if that dog could actually heal you?!
--Outside Plug Uglies
Overheard by: Starkie
The Author of Ten Surefire Tips for Handling Girth
Young child: Mommy, how do black people have sex?
Mom: Ask your father.
--9th & 8th, Park Slope
I'll Check the Marriage License When I Get Home
Girlfriend: What was the name of that girl?
Boyfriend: Who?
Girlfriend: The one that was totally in love with you?
Boyfriend: Yeah, she was awesome.
Girlfriend: Who?
Boyfriend: No idea.
--Bergen & Flatbush, Brooklyn
As Required by the Amended Constitution
Man with clipboard: Do you want to change the Constitution?
Lady passerby: No.
Man with clipboard: I'll take that as a 'yes'!
--57th & 7th
Overheard by: Charlie
Like my sister.
Man: I am concerned about breeding.
Friend: Breeding?!
Man: Yeah, you know -- Jews are pretty inbred. I'm probably going to have kids with three fingers or something. I should have married someone into running -- big and athletic.
--Central Park Reservoir
Headline by: Brooklyn Twang
Runners-Up:
· "But Jews Do Run. They Run Everything." - Rottin' in Denmark
· "Instead Of That Gimp Cousin Of Mine" - Uberjim
· "The E in EHarmony Stands for Eugenics" - quazarfreez
· "The Final Solution 2.0" - Scott Gresham
· "They're Called Germans: But They May Not Be So Into That..." - Caitorade
· "You Know, Someone Who Could Win a "Master Race"" - Mike T
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Oh, Sorry! I'll Just Go Fuck Myself Now
30-ish white lady: You're doing push-ups?
20-ish Asian girl, taking off headphones: Yes...
30-ish white lady: Why?
20-ish Asian girl: Um...
30-ish white lady: Do you do karate or Tae Kwon Do?
20-ish Asian girl: No...
30-ish white lady: But you're Asian.
20-ish Asian girl: Yeah...
30-ish white lady: Why don't you do Asian sports?
20-ish Asian girl: What?!
30-ish white lady: Have you always stuck with American sports or have you ever tried anything Asian?
20-ish Asian girl: What?
30-ish white lady: Where are you from?
20-ish Asian girl: Manhattan. [Puts headphones back on.]
--New York Sports Club, Crowne Plaza
If You Must Sleep with Your Boyfriend, We Recommend Macy's
Preppy girl #1: Are these boyfriend panties, or are these cheating-on-your-boyfriend panties?
Preppy girl #2: I think they're a little slutty.
Preppy girl #1: So, for cheating?
Preppy girl #2: Yeah.
Preppy girl #1: Do you think this is all they have, or is there another drawer?
--Victoria's Secret
The World Still Looks Pretty Unredeemed to Me
Crazy guy with headphones: Do you think Jesus set up a hit against Satan when he was resurrected?
Suit: I don't know.
--2 train, Fulton St stop
One of Those Turtles, Anyway
NYU student #1: Hey, who made Donatello's David?
NYU student #2: Wasn't it Michelangelo?
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: B McSea
...And He Bit My Leg.
Son: I'm thinking of an animal now.
Mother: Does it live in water?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live on land?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live in the air?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live in the subway?
Son: Yes.
Mother: Is it a rat?
Son: No.
Mother: I give up.
Son: It's a homeless person.
--1 train
Headline by: Johnny Utah
Runners-Up:
· "Better Question: Does It Masturbate in the Subway?" - s m
· "Can We Hunt It for Sport on a Private Island?" - space coyote
· "Don't Feed It... It'll Shit Everywhere!" - Hobo Whisperer
· "Homeless: the Other Other White Meat" - Renee
· "New and Improved -- Now with Rabies!" - greatly amused
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Except for Those Who Have a Hairy Dog and Two Big, Stupid Boyfriends
Queer #1: You know the guy I mean? The one with the hairy boyfriend and those two big stupid dogs?
Queer #2: Honey, that could be anyone we know.
--23rd & 7th
Overheard by: Manhattman
How Weird Is This Gonna Get?
Tourist: Are you Teddy Roosevelt?
Costumed interpretor: No...
Tourist: Can you be Teddy Roosevelt for the next five minutes?
--New York Historical Society, 77th & CPW
Overheard by: Miranda Morrison
She's Hoping to Be Acquired by Rupert Murdoch
Drunk girl sitting on empty, closed newsstand: Look boys! I'm news!
Suit passerby: Daily or weekly?
--16th & 5th
Caution: Poor Absorbancy
Chick #1: I wonder why they call it TP-ing a house...
Chick #2: Maybe it stands for 'toilet paper.'
Chick #1: That doesn't make any sense!
--74th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kirby J
You Sure It Wasn't a Roach?
Girl #1: Dreadlocks are so dirty. How do you wash them?
Girl #2: My friend told me about this guy she knew whose dreads were so dirty that one day he found a scorpion in them.
Girl #3: Are you sure it wasn't just lice?
Girl #2: No, it was a scorpion.
Girl #4: Well, wait, where was he from?
Girls #1, #3, and #4, together: Jamaica?
--41st & Madison
Overheard by: Scorpions are creepy
I Can Tell You Who He Was, but Not What He Meant
Little girl: Daddy, who's John Lennon?
Dad: I'll explain it to you later.
--Strawberry Fields, Central Park West
Overheard by: David Males
In That Case, I'd Be Asking for a Pink Squirrel
Fat, old, queer biker: Can you make a gin fizz?
Bartender: What is this, prom night?
--Cafe Loup, 13th & 6th
Overheard by: JoeQ
You've Got a Lot of Questions for a Guy Wearing His Own Vomit
Drunk guy #1: Where's Xavier from?
Drunk guy #2: I don't know.
Drunk guy #1: Where's Ohio state from?
--Tonic East
Overheard by: tom
See?
Ghetto girl #1: Do you think I could be a saint?
Ghetto girl #2: No.
Ghetto girl #1: Shut up.
--Brooklyn Public Library
Another Caffeine-Drunken Brooklyn Naiad
Hot chick: Pardon me -- can I get a top off?
Barista: Excuse me?!
--Vox Pop, Cortelyou Rd, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Disappointed
I'm a Better Deal Alive Than Dead, Sweetie
Little girl: Daddy, when you die do we get all of your money?
Father: Well, that won't happen for a very long time.
Little girl: Daddy, how much money do you make?
--A train
Overheard by: A Chan
Bitch, I Don't Know Your Life!
Cashier: Do you want a bag?
Elderly Village-type customer: Do I want a bag? What, am I gonna carry it out in my mouth?
--Strand Bookstore, 12th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jake Elwell
No? Come Back When You Got Patting Money, Kid
Little boy: Hey, can I pet your dog?
Man with puppy: You got a dollar?
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Emily
Um... Alternate Side of the Street Parking?
Girl #1: Oh my god! Hi!
Girl #2: Hi! What are you doing here?
Crazy lady: Maybe you could not yell in the street!
Girl #2: Hey, fuck you!
Crazy lady: Why don't you suck my dick, you loudmouths?!
Black lady passerby: 'Suck my dick,' she said! You hear that? What is wrong with New York?
--Fulton St
Overheard by: Leela
By Extrapolation from Existing Data
Black postman #1: Kiss my black ass!
Black postman #2: How do you know that it's black?
--Forest Hills post office
Cheap Sex! Cupcakes! The Guillotine!
Lady: What are you all waiting for?
26th guy in line for iPhone: The new Harry Potter book.
27th guy in line: Shrek 4.
28th guy in line: Free crack. [Lady walks away.]
--AT&T store, Union Square
But It's Only a Matter of Time before We Put a Cross on the Moon
Middle-aged lady: Wait -- isn't there supposed to be a separation between church and space?
Young lady: No! Well, yes...
--87th & Lex
Overheard by: hbomb
... And Got Maced by That Guy in the Penthouse
Skinny chick: Was there scaffolding on his building?
Fat chick: Yeah, don't you remember? I climbed it in my Catwoman costume on Halloween.
--Greenwich & 6th
Overheard by: tj
Piece by Piece Is the Trick
Dude: Now I've seen everything! The Yankees--
Passerby, interrupting: --Have you seen a man eat his own head?
Dude: Ummm, no.
Passerby: Watch closely.
--Outside Yankee Stadium
Wait, Isn't That Passing?
College girl: How many Asians are in there?
Bouncer: I don't know.
College girl: Like, what's the percentage?
Bouncer: Seventy? [Girls walk away.]
--Bowery & Prince
If So, You Should Take My Dad's Card
Father: Will you be in tomorrow?
Techie #1: Unfortunately, no, sir.
Father: Well, then who will I yell at if anything goes wrong with the computer?
Techie #2: You could always yell at me, sir!
Daughter, uncertain: ... Do you... like to be yelled at?
--Circuit City, Union Square
No, Honey. The Camera Only Takes a Tiny Piece of His Soul
Seven-year-old: Mom? Did you take a picture when Hammie died?
Mother: No, it's not right to take pictures of dead things...
Seven-year-old: No, I mean when you took the picture, did it stun him and kill him? [Sister chokes and spits out food.]
Mother: Yeah, you deserve to choke on that...
--Penn Station
Overheard by: blondie
Even Better Than Secaucus, Son
Young father: Here we are -- New York City! The greatest city in the world.
Four-year-old son: Even better than Hoboken, Dad?
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Phil
Do I Know You?
Old woman #1: Where is Penn Station?
Old woman #2: What do you mean? We were just there!
Old woman #1: Yes, but where is it? I want to go to Penn Station.
Old woman #2: I don't know where it is, and I don't know where we are.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Sophistahippie
Just Curious
Girl wearing cargo capris: Do I look like a lesbian in these pants?
Stranger girl: Yeah, why?
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Hal
It's a Whole Different Story in the Supermodel Car
Four-year-old boy: Mommy, why don't nobody look at each other on the train?
Mother: 'Cause they ugly.
--G train
Who Rides in a Short Bus under the Sea?
Kid #1: Seriously?
Kid #2: Yeah, seriously.
Kid #1: Seriously?!
Kid #2: Yes, seriously.
Kid #1: Seriously?
Kid #2: Yes! Seriously! Gosh, you're acting like SpongeBob!
--St. Catherine's Elementary, Brooklyn
Overheard by: rpk
Headline by: Rock Bottom
Runners-Up:
· "...or Alberto Gonzalez under Oath." - JC
· "Actual Script from Laguna Beach" - Jeremy
· "Dude, You've Been Watching Too Much SquarePant's Anatomy" - Breanne S.
· "How Serious Can Spongebob Be If Spongebob Could Be Serious?" - Philip
· "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter - Test Campaign #34" - Paul Sheiman
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Everlasting Cockstopper
Chick: What is she waving around? Is that a penis pop?
Dude: Yes.
Chick: What flavor is it?
--Montien Thai, 12th & 3rd
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Why Every Girl Needs a Slutty Friend
Teen girl: [Mumbles.]
Clerk: What?
Teen girl: [Speaks softly.]
Clerk: You're going to have to speak up.
Teen girl: [Leans over counter and mumbles.]
Clerk: What? What the fuck are those? [Yells to coworker] Tina*! Do we have any morning after pills? [Teen girl sprints out of store.]
--Crowded CVS
Arrange a MoMA Intervention
Girl #1: I just don't know if I can love him anymore.
Girl #2, giggling: Why not?
Girl #1: Stop laughing! What would you do if your boyfriend had a thing for dolphin art?!
--East Village
Executing Poop Joke in Three... Two... One...
Man #1: Isn't your cousin a big producer or something?
Man #2: No, he's a dog walker.
--25th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jon
CIA: We've Really Missed Having You As an Enemy!
Test-taker: What happens if we don't know our social security number?
Proctor, in thick Russian accent: Then we dismiss your test and eat you alive!
--Edward R. Murrow High, Brooklyn
Overheard by: melanie
It's Important to Set Attainable Goals
Little girl: I'm annoying, right? I'm annoying you, right Tío?
Uncle: Yes, you're annoying.
--6 train
The '40s Called, They Want Their Fad Back
Young daughter: Mom, is this salmon raw?
Mom: Yes, honey, most sushi is made of raw fish.
Young daughter: Can I eat my goldfish raw?
--Shiro restaurant, Glendale, Queens
I Blame It on Barking Wood Spiders
Dude: Is there a frog in here?
Chick: Sorry, I tooted.
--A train
Overheard by: nicole
I'm More of a Fourth-Date Girl
Teen girl: It's just... Even though he was fat, I liked him because of his personality. But once I actually saw his penis, or more like lack of a penis, that was just the last straw. I mean, you can be kinda fat with an awesome personality, but you've gotta have a good-sized dick, y'know?
Friend: Wait, you didn't know he had a small dick until last week?!
--56th & 3rd
Overheard by: samantha
She Can't Afford Not To
Hippie #1: Girl, I think it might be beneficial for me to go to therapy.
Hippie #2: Oh, you should go to the girl my friend uses -- it's only 20 bucks a session!
Hippie #1: Then why does she still cut herself?
--E 60th & Madison
That's What You Said about Your Unwanted Pregnancy
Drunk girl: Can you put my phone in your pocket?
Friend: But your pants have pockets!
Drunk girl: No, they don't! That's just a glitch in the matrix!
--2 train
If Only!
Man: What? Little Richard isn't gay, is he?
Lady: No, he isn't gay. Isn't Little Richard's daughter Nicole Richie?
--Video store, 14th & Ave A
Overheard by: Such a pretty me baby!
Look, Just Don't Do Anything. With Anyone. Ever.
Sixth grader: Wait, I don't understand. When you have oral sex you don't take off your clothes, so how can you get AIDS?
Student teacher: Ummm...
--University Neighborhood Middle School
Overheard by: face
Engorged and Tingling Wednesday One-Liners
Drunk Brit with arm around ugly lady: Oh, Jesus, just walking is making me horny.
--10th & 2nd
Overheard by: emilia
Girlfriend to boyfriend: Your hair is making me horny.
--B train
Overheard by: Janelle
Guy in hoodie: I don't know -- rain gear just doesn't really turn me on.
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ktg
Loud woman: According to recent research, a nine-month-old fetus can experience an erection.
--Bus to Staten Island
Chick on cell: ... And he was, like, rubbing his erection on me, and I was like, 'Dude, you're rubbing your erection on me...'
--Fordham University
Lady: What are horny men doing at Build-a-Bear, anyway?
--40th & 5th
Overheard by: don't wanna know
Unlicensed Wednesday One-Liners
Mom to screaming child: Now, honey, I want you to be yourself, just not to everyone.
--3rd St & Ave B
Overheard by: amanda
British mum to eight-year-old son: Bobby, stop looking at the bloody NASDAQ.
--Outside Toys 'R' Us
Loud lady to son: Go stand in line behind that Mexican man! Don't let him intimidate you!
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: jenmo
Dad to baby in stroller: Did you know that the price of copper is becoming irrelevant?!
--31st & Ditmars, Astoria
Overheard by: Scarfish
Father to young son: Why are you putting your butt on me?
--Brooklyn Industries, 9th & 7th
Man to son: Don't you tell me to shut up! I just bought you a bunch of Star Wars toys!
--Macy's
I'm Sorry, Sir -- the FBI Took All Our Good Garbage Yesterday
Woman from first-floor window of brownstone: Hi... Can I help you?
Hobo going through her trash: Uh... Is this house for sale?
--12th & 2nd
Overheard by: lolo
The Rabbit Never Dies, That's Why
Guy: So, David was asking me about Second Life. I told him I was a giant pink bunny that has cyber sex with his mother.
Girl: You are sick.
Guy: Then I told him his mom's avatar is a clown with an enlarged anal cavity. He still doesn't see why anyone would pay a monthly fee for it.
--72nd St
Just Some Sparring, Followed by Spooning
Waiter #1: So, Todd called me last night.
Waiter #2: Did you pound him?
--Varick St
It Was More of a Baton Handoff Than a Throw, Really
Desperate wannabe bridezilla: Let me ask you a question -- if you're at a wedding and the bride throws the bouquet directly to you instead of to the whole crowd, does it still count?
Friend: I don't think any of it really counts.
Passerby: Way to kill the mood.
--Elevator, 11th & University
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
So Much Social Awkwardness, So Little Time
Weird girl: Did you bring the scepter?
Weird boy: No, I forgot.
Weird girl: That's the second time!
Weird boy: I know, I'm sorry! I got the Tetris theme song stuck in my head again!
--D train
Overheard by: Kaela
You Can't Fix Everything with Explosives
Old guy browsing power tools: What about a bomb?
Buddy: A bomb? ... We already talked about that.
--Home Depot, 23rd St
Overheard by: Benjamin
Why Lecture Halls Have Ejector Seats
Angry theology teacher: God created Adam and Eve--
Chick, cutting her off: --Who created God?
--Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island
... I Guess I'll Be Gay This Year
Dude #1: What? You want me to take my clothes off?
Dude #2: No, I-- [Dude #1 begins to disrobe.] Never mind.
--Bronx High School of Science
Overheard by: Not really, no.
Do You Still Have That Special on Tampons?
Suit: Do you have any headache medication?
Production assistant pulling random stuff out of pockets: Yeah, sure. Do you have a headache?
Suit: No, but I might later... Oooh! Band-Aids!
--Universal Studios kitchen
Overheard by: Gunther