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We Won't Know Until the Eggs Hatch
Guy #1: ... And then I got hit by a car.
Guy #2: Are you a mutant?
--Cafeteria, The New School
Overheard by: katie caroline
Aw, Fuck This -- Let's Just Play Strip Candyland Like Usual
Nine-year-old boy: Would you rather be naked in public or in front of a hundred boys? Including me...
Nine-year-old girl: A hundred boys. Would you rather be naked in front of this whole bus or just this back half?
Nine-year-old boy: Just the back half... Wait... You're in the back half, right?
--M79 crosstown bus, Central Park
Overheard by: Rachel
While I Listen to Beethoven's Fifth
Punk chick: So, what do you masturbate to?
Punk singer: What do you mean, what do I masturbate to?
Punk chick: Like, what do you look at?
Punk singer: I guess I look at my dick.
--CBGB
Overheard by: Jimmy Guthrie
Myra Began to See How It Might Be Fun
Girl #1, reading menu: Cheese and onion pasties...
Girl #2: How can that be true?
--The Cake Shop
Overheard by: Ryan
If You Want to Get Thrown to the Rats
Child: Mommy, look! Do you see that rat?!
Mother: Yes.
Child: Oooh, Mommy, look! Do you see that piece of paper?!
Mother: Yes.
Child: Oooh, Mommy! Can I bite you?!
Mother: Yes.
--PATH
I Confirm All My Reality These Days
Hobo: Hey, is this a movie theater?
Woman behind counter: Yeah. What did you think it was?
Hobo: A movie theater.
--Sunshine Theaters, Houston
Overheard by: Jonathan Rosenblit
It's Always Been Gay
Latino: I took my kids to that gay pride parade they have down here. Rainbow flags everywhere. Man, you guys stole our flag!
Queer: Whose flag? Puerto Rico's?
Latino: What?
Queer: What was the rainbow flag before it was gay?
Latino: I don't know.
--BarMinnow, 9th & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Guess I stole his flag too
Also, I May Need to Be Changed
Thug: Yo, I need to get this shit cashed.
Clerk: Do you have an account, sir?
Thug: Yeah, but I ain't got my card or my number.
Clerk: Sir, I need your social security number, then.
Thug: Aight, hold up. [Pulls out phone] Hey, Mommy, what's my social again?
--Chase Bank, Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Tabitha
To Be Fair, No One Knows Why Bob Saget Has a Career
Little Asian girl: But why?
Mom: I don't know, honey.
Little Asian girl: But why?
Mom: I just said that I don't know!
Little Asian girl: But why don't you know, Mommy?
Mom: Because Mommy's stupid.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Miranda
With My Ear
Chick #1: Where's your tooth?
Chick #2: In my shoe.
--18th & 4th
Big, Fake Ones
Columbia student volunteer: So, who knows what soy milk is?
Fourth grade girls: [Silence.]
Columbia student volunteer: Well, soy milk tastes like milk, but it's made with beans.
Fourth grader: Hold the phone -- beans has titties?
--P.S. 125
Overheard by: alexandra
I Need to Know What to Say in the Emergency Room
Stoner #1: Why am I so high?
Barista: Because you snorted cheese?
Stoner #2: Was it Parmesan or cheddar?
--Tully's
I Said I Don't Know
Girl #1: What sign are you?
Girl #2: I don't know.
Girl #1: I'm Capricorn as fuck.
--44th & 3rd
Overheard by: ana
Save That for Your Term Papers
English teacher: Midas wanted everything he touched to turn to gold. What did he touch?
Student: His stuff...?
English teacher: Let's not even go there.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
So Close I Got Squeezed out and Ended up Here
Worker: So, where are you from?
Asian guy: Ummm, Fresh Meadows, Queens.
Worker: No, really, where are you from? Like, overseas?
Asian guy: Taiwan.
Worker: Oh. How do you say 'Hi'?
Asian guy: Ni hao.
Worker: That's like the same as Chinese right?
Asian guy: Yeah.
Worker: Is it because the countries are really close?
--OMG store, Soho
Overheard by: Larry Liou
Correct -- the Man Wins a Free Cavity Search!
TSA officer: You will be going through a metal detector. The key words here are 'metal' and 'detector.' Now, let's play a game called 'What Is My Metal Belt Buckle Made Of?' What is my belt buckle made of?
Male on line: Metal?!
--JFK Airport
Overheard by: Philly Blunt
Also His Answer to "How Are You?" and "Some Weather, Huh?"
Guy #1: So, what year did you graduate from school?
Guy #2: Harvard.
--Snooty party, Bronx
Overheard by: Ladle
When Engorged, It Looks Freakishly Like Ryan Reynolds
Hetero dude: ... So it was just like the movie Smoking Aces, except it was your penis?
Queer: Exactly!
--Peculier Pub
There Was Abundant Opportunity for a "Help Me with My Organ" Joke
Chick to guy on cell: Excuse me -- this is a random question, but are you a piano tuner?
Guy on cell, pausing to stare at chick: That is the most random question someone has ever asked me in my entire life. [Walks away.]
--Clinton & Joralemon, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: WTF?
None of Them Would Talk to Me
Preppy guy #1: How was that bar in Midtown?
Preppy guy #2: Dude, it was awesome... It was full of hot chicks.
Preppy guy #1: If it was so great, why did you text me eight times in one hour and are now standing next to me pissing at this bar?
--Restroom, Delancey Bar
Overheard by: Al
Although a Long Bubble Bath and a Cup of Earl Grey Are Quite Delightful as Well
Black guy: What the fuck is wrong with you? How are you not gonna like pussy?
Friend, with cornrows: 'Cause, fool! There's only one thing better, and that's money.
Black guy, concurring: The only thing.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Sleepy Monkey
She's Used to All That Pseudo-Italian Crap
Woman #1, pointing to smallest cup: So, what size is this?
Barista: That's a small.
Woman #1: And what size is this?
Barista: That's a medium.
Woman #1: And so what size is this?
Barista: That's a large.
Woman #2: Wow, this has been the most fascinating exchange I've heard in quite some time.
--9th St Espresso, East Village
Overheard by: Shankalicious
We Don't Hold with Furrin Music
German vendor: Hello.
Midwestern kid: Look, chocolate.
German vendor: Do you know Mozart chocolate?
Midwestern kid: No.
German vendor: But do you know Mozart?
Midwestern mom: No.
--Christmas market, Columbus Circle
If You Do, I'll Show You My Extensions
Boyfriend: Have you ever had a weave? Or, like, extensions?
Girlfriend: No! Do I look black to you?
--LIRR
Like, Those Oreo Cookie Things?
Old European guy, exasperated: Was Moses a hydrologist?
--Central Park
Their Names Are "Delirium" and "Tremens"
Girl: What's the deal with New York's bagels, anyway? I mean, they're delicious! What do you think New Yorkers do differently to their bagels that makes them so... Oh, look at you! You're too drunk to keep up with me because I'm speaking so rapidly.
Drunk guy: I'm listening to your rabbits!
--NYU
Overheard by: Evan Regas
Shouldn't Have Laughed So Hard at the Poor People
JAP halting mid-stride: Wait a sec... Why are my pants wet?!
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: my boyfriend is a grizzly bear
Headline by: John
Runners-Up:
· "And Who Dropped That Baby?" - trade800
· "Bob the Urinating Hobo Ninja Strikes Again" - Darryl S.
· "Did A Bag Of Money Just Walk By?" - Jolly
· "The Joys Of Unknown Pregnancy Coming Full Term" - The Lazy Canadian
· "This Eventually Happens to Every New Yorker" - Dagre
· "Was Too Busy Shopping to Be Toilet Trained" - G
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It Looks Like Goodwill, Honey, but I Wanted to Give You the Benefit of the Doubt
Fortune teller: Excuse me, miss, where did you get your dress?
Pretty brunette: Don't you know?
--Mulberry & Canal
Was Another Boy Fucking Him?
High school dancer #1: Like, oh my god, I had the weirdest dream the other night... I was fucking Brendan Urie from Panic! at the Disco.
High school dancer #2: Wow... I need details! Did you get wet? Was he on top? Was I in the bed?
--Central Park
Overheard by: thatgirlrightthere
She's Got a Few Yellows for Unsprtsmanlike Conduct
Father: So, do you have a green card?
Nanny: No, but I'm getting one soon.
Two-year-old boy: Do you have a red one, too?!
--Central Park
Overheard by: heading to the darfur rally
NewsFlash: Dispatcher Beaten to Death by Canes. Memorial at Elmont Cemetery Planned.
Old man, with wife: How much is it to Elmont Cemetery?
Car service dispatcher: Will that be one way, or round-trip?
--E 19th St & Ave U, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Arthur
Tell Her a Quarter Is Two Bits and Watch Her Head Explode
Girl counting her money: Excuse me, ma'am -- are there four quarters in a dollar?
Older lady: Yes, my dear.
Girl: Oh, great! Thanks!
--Times Square station
Their Penises Are Stuck in the Sheep
Teacher: How come the people in Australia don't fall off the bottom of the Earth?
First grade girl: Super Glue!
First grade boy: Because they have their shoes on!
--P.S. 86, Bronx
Overheard by: Wendy
Oliver Twist: 2006
Dad, sternly: Do you have money? [Three-year-old looks at him, almost in tears, and barely shakes his head.] If you don't have money, how are we going to get McDonald's?
--Wyckoff Ave
Overheard by: thankful I don't have to deprive my non-existent kid
Actually, That's Just the Way His Hair Grows, You Insensitive Bitch
Woman to man in Yankees hat: Do you know if the Yankees won today?
Man: Sorry, you're talking to the wrong guy. I don't follow sports.
Woman to man in Yankees hat: ... So you just wear the hat, then?
--2 train
Overheard by: Caty
Strictly Speaking, Only Oklahoma Is "OK"
Man: So, how was Missouri?
Woman: I was in Vermont.
Man: How was Vermont?
Woman: It was okay.
Man: Was it?
--1166 6th Ave
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
A Gay Man Told Her about "Killer Shorts"
Blonde: So, where'd y'all go on vacation?
Brunette: Bermuda.
Blonde: And y'all came back alive?!
--Union Square
Dog and Pony Shows, However, Can Be Incredibly Nuanced
Yuppie #1: Yeah, I've been to a few donkey shows... You know there are different types, right?
Yuppie #2, hesitantly: Um, yeah... I went to one once and pretty much got the point.
--Yankee Stadium
Save Your Money and Invest It Wisely
Lady facing sign reading "Security": Excuse me -- where can I find security?!
Hapless intern: Um...
--New York-Presbyterian Hospital
Overheard by: i hate hospitals
He Only Turns on the Psychic Powers If You Sound Pretty
Chick on cell: How long will it be for a cab to Forest Hills?
Deadpan dispatcher: About 15 minutes.
Chick on cell: Ohhh... How long will it be if I call back in half an hour?
Deadpan dispatcher: I can't predict the future, ma'am.
--Kew Gardens, Queens
Overheard by: Stephanie
I Teach a Class at the Community College on Wednesday Evenings
Dude to female friend: How can a woman be charged with sexual harassment?
Trashy white lady passerby: Wanna find out?
--W 8th & MacDougal
If You Fuck Seattle Just Right, It Will Achieve Oregon
Chick #1: Where the fuck is Seattle?
Chick #2: Oregon.
--55th & 3rd
Overheard by: Meghan
The Koran Talks about Bus Stops?
Professor-like man: Excuse me, are you a Muslim?
Muslim man, slightly hesitant: Yes, why?
Professor-like man: Well, I was hoping you could answer a question I have about the Koran that I've been wondering about for a while. [Muslim man nods.] Can you tell me everything the Koran says about female circumcision?
Muslim man: Is there a bus stop nearby?
--Outside Columbia University subway entrance
Overheard by: Matthew
Reader Poll: Should Jack Be Worried?
20-ish girl: Jack is going to Vegas for a bachelor party Friday. Should I be worried? What really happens at those things, anyway?
30-ish guy: It depends. The last one I went to was pretty low-key, but I've been to plenty of crazy bachelor weekends with strippers and a double-ended dildo.
20-ish girl: That's it?! I've been to tons of parties with strippers and dildos. That's not that crazy.
30-ish guy: When's Jack back?
20-ish girl: Sunday.
30-ish guy: I think I might have a party Saturday.
--Union Square
The Guy Code Says We Can't Discuss It, Though
Guy #1: Dude, have you ever done it in blood?
Guy #2: Uh, yeah...
--Columbia University
They're Kind of Like Protective Goggles
Little girl, looking at teen with glasses: Why do you wear glasses?
Little boy: Because she farts too much!
--Austin St, Forest Hills
To Forget How Bald You Are?
Little kid, jumping up and down: Mommy, Mommy! Are you baaald?
Mother, covering face with hand: I need a drink.
--168th & Broadway
Overheard by: Melissa Coppola
Don't Do Any Additional Killing
MTA announcement: Due to an earlier incident, service on the number one line is running slowly. Please be patient.
Girl on stairs: Please be patient... What do they mean?
--59th St station
Overheard by: Sibyl
More Like the Reason We Need Them
Dad: Let's go to St. Patrick's!
Kid: ... Is that another bar?
--51st & 5th
Overheard by: Kelly
You Tell Me -- He's Right There Next to the Tuna
Fish guy: Yeah, my dad died of colon cancer in 2001.
Blonde: Oh, how's he doing?
--Grocery store, Astoria
Overheard by: Dustin
Headline by: Mr. Gee
Runners-Up:
· "'Great Listener' Is On Her Resumee" - Denny
· "Decomposing Quite Nicely, Thank You for Asking" - RBNY
· "I'd Say His Condition Is Stable" - Tadzio
· "Rolling Over About Now" - Kaitlen