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Crotchety Wednesday One-Liners
Dude: You know what I did?! Grabbed my crotch once... Boom!
--Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: amused
Guy: ... And then he shoved his crotch in my face and yelled, 'Does this prove something?!'
--Rare, Bleecker St
Overheard by: Keezles
Blond guy: I had my head in that guy's crotch so many times today. It was nuts.
--Coral Towers
Overheard by: No Pun Intended
Queer to fag hag: I don't think he would mind so much that some Asian guy was fondling my crotch as much as he would be worried about the fact that I accepted a ride with a stranger.
--Urban Outfitters, Union Square
Overheard by: Mikey D. Wong
Small, unattended child, singing: Fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch!
--Columbia University
Who's Your Wednesday One-Liner?
Rich girl on cell: Three thousand for a one bedroom?! ... That's fine. I'm mad at my dad anyway.
--Q train to Coney Island
Guy to buddy: My father was a virgin the first time he had sex!
--86th & Park
Overheard by: you sure he still isnt?
JAP on cell: No, I'm not texting him back! I was more impressed by his father's West Village brownstone than the sex we had in it.
--79th & Park
Overheard by: vibrant
Dude: Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? My belly button, thank you!
--Bronx-bound 2 train
Overheard by: Niv
Woman on cell: Ah, but you are the father of many things, just as I am the mother of many things.
--26th & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Big guy with Puerto Rican flag do-rag and huge stuffed animal, to small child: Don'tchu breaka my big Tweety. You breaka my big Tweety, I kill ju father.
--Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: tommy z
Mangy, Flea-Bitten Wednesday One-Liners
Lady on cell: So, I don't know if I should get a coffee table or a dog...
--Stanton & Essex
Woman, about her dog: No, no one ever asks me if he's ugly. I think he's the most beautiful dog in the world. In fact, he looks exactly like Humphrey Bogart!
--25th & 7th
Asian chick on cell: ... Haha, yeah... Well, I hope so! I mean, I had to sell my dog for it...
--107th & Broadway
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Hipster girl to another: We should mate your dog with my cat.
--Hanover Square & Water St
Guy in puffy coat to NYU student: Hey, you -- you wanna buy a puppy? [Opens coat revealing puppy.] It's cheap.
--Union Square
Overheard by: The Meganator
The Excited Titter of Wednesday One-Liners
Tech director: I don't need dirty, rusty, random screws.
--Lincoln Center Institute
Overheard by: Brina
Excitable Islamic Studies professor: ... And what happened when the woodcutter spoke to Mohammed? Yes! He gave him wood! This man, he gave Mohammed wood! And why could only this man give Mohammed wood? Just because he was a woodcutter? No! And do you know what happened when this man gave Mohammed wood? Mohammed's wood exploded into flowers! Yes!
--Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: amelia
Man on conference call speakerphone: Our card penetration was not what we expected from the district. Lucy*, can you tell everyone how you got such good penetration at your store this month?
--The Gap, Queens
Conductor: No! No doors in my rear! Not in my rear!
--A train, Broadway Junction
Overheard by: amused
Grandmother tourist to granddaughter: Wanna grab a pole, Lacey?
--6 train, 51st St
Overheard by: With a name like that......
Chick on cell: I sat on a Camelback's nipple, and now my ass is wet.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Woman with big bag squeezing past for a seat: Sorry -- once I'm in, you won't even feel me.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Rebecca
Wednesday One-Liners Blame It on the Dog
Clerk: A fart is just a preview of your shit.
--Urban Outfitters dressing room, 6th Ave
Overheard by: NYMD
Frat boy: When she put the six pineapples in her twat, none of us thought she was gonna be able to do it. And then when she farted, there was a cucumber up her butt!
--3rd St, between Ave A & Ave B
Overheard by: Margaret Cho's Little Sister
Fart noise occurs twice.
Woman sheepishly looking into purse, to crowd: My kid put that ringtone on my cell, and I don't know how to get rid of it.
--109th & 3rd
Guy running out of school: Oh, thank God -- thank you, Lord! Thank you so much! [Lets out immense fart.] Christ, I've been holding that in since lunch!
--Outside Bard High School Early College, East Houston St
Girl on cell: You know when you have to fart really bad, but you can't because, y'know, you might shart? That's me right now. That's me.
--9th & Broadway
Gassy man: I hope people are enjoying the warmth from my fart!
--Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Still Don't Understand Crocs
Woman on cell: Well, I don't think it's appropriate for you to ask me what I'm wearing... Really short shorts and a long shirt.
--69th St & Columbus
Lady on cell: The outfit that I really want only works with beer bottles.
--Duane Reade, 111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy to girlfriend, about drunk guys dressing up in thrift store: ... And you know one of those guys is going to wake up tomorrow and be like, 'Why am I wearing a kimono?!'
--9th & 3rd
Hipster girl: So, that club she got turned away from? It was for not having on two pieces of corduroy clothing. You know what kind of club that is? A club full of poorly-dressed people.
--Curly's Vegetarian Lunch
Overheard by: magical-newyork.blogspot.com
Dude: I don't know. I just feel like her face is going out of style, you know what I mean?
--27th & 7th
Just the Nicest Wednesday One-Liners You'd Ever Hope to Find
Dude: You really are a nice guy, and it's a good thing you're such a nice guy, because if you weren't, you'd totally be an asshole.
--Lobby of Le Parker Meridien
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Girl: Oh my god, she's so nice. She's a chiropractor and a stripper!
--F train stop, Park Slope
Guy on cell: Yeah, it was nice. I had a real nice time... Yup, she was cremated.
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: kdice
Guy on cell: I know! I know! It's like getting laid! It's like getting laid! I mean, like, you're having a nice dinner, you have a nice wine, but like, is she gonna drop her skirt? You can't tell yet if she's gonna drop her skirt!
--Outside Grand Central
Overheard by: Sarah
20-ish girl to friend: Thank you! You're such a nice person. Except when you're hungry.
--23rd & 7th
Wednesday One-Liners Died for Our Sins
Hipster: So I was walking down the street, and I saw Jesus, and then I was like, 'Hey, how's it going, Jesus?'
--Union Square
Overheard by: Kanad
Subway preacher: The ocean is full of water. Jesus changed water into wine. It's all good. Michael Jackson called it 'Jesus Juice.'
--Rockefeller Plaza subway
Overheard by: G-Lime
Queer: I replaced my imaging of Jesus as a transvestite serial killer to an image of Jesus as a militaristic terrorist...
--1 train
Queer to another: I think Jesus loves Halloween.
--23rd St, between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: adam
20-ish guy: Let me get this straight -- it's spelled like 'Jesus,' but it's pronounced 'Hey-Seuss'? That's just weird.
--49th & 8th
Overheard by: JoBell
Bible thumper: Ladies, you may see a handsome man and think to yourself, 'I want him to be my sugar daddy.' Oh, yes! And he becomes your sugar daddy, and he takes you to Macy's and he buys you a crock pot. Oh, yes! But then later he beats you with that crock pot. Oh, yes! Then you realize that it is not he who is your sugar daddy, it is really Jesus Christ who is your sugar daddy! Oh, yes!
--4 train
Caution: Wednesday One-Liners at Work
Hardhat: Walk in the walkway, people! It's much safer! Watch out for the cabs! They hurt!
--Broadway & Fulton
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Chunky Mexican hardhat: I might not have a million dollars, but I got a big fat dick to put in her ass.
--St. Patrick's Cathedral
Hardhat: Awright, look -- after lunch, I'll get you a grinder, and then we're having a three-way, okay?
--Barnard College
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Hardhat on cell: So, when you say you want to cheat, do you mean a one-time thing, or is this something you plan on doing again and again?
--14th St, between 6th & 7th Ave
Hardhat to another: Bitch, please! I asked for a pink soda! I'm not going to drink this shit!
--10th & 3rd
Overheard by: Veronika LaRocque
Damp, Delicious Wednesday One-Liners
Man on cell: Is your vagina swelled to the same degree as my penis is swelled?
--Union Square
Overheard by: SayWhhhaat
40-ish guy on cell: So, did she show you her vagina?
--43rd & 3rd
Black guy on cell: This is why I never beg for pussy!
--Spring St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Emily B
Girl: My vagina is the Lincoln Tunnel.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Jason Kruta
13-year-old boy to teen girl: I mean, the pussy's good, but it ain't that good.
--Jamaica-bound E train
Overheard by: Rhonda hearts Queens
Chick on cell: I don't know why I listened to you. It hurt. A lot. My vagina feels like it's on fire. I'm never doing that again.
--92nd & 3rd
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Real Page-Turner
Woman: He read a book on fisting, and now he wants to share it with his class.
--L train
Dude: They should have made Beowulf into a book -- they would have made a lot more money.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: LetheaBu
Girl: It used to be the only reason I liked Anna Quindlen was 'cause she was blind. Now it's like, 'Dude, she can read?!'
--Barnard College
NYU bimbette to studious friend: Your problem is that you read for all your classes. Sobriety and scholarly. Those are your problems.
--Starbucks, W 4th St
Overheard by: wine girl
Nine-year-old girl: I forgot my book, and I was supposed to do a report on it! Now what am I going to do?! I'm so senile.
--JFK
Overheard by: mr itchie
Book-hawking hobo: ... And this is my new book, 'If You Don't Beat Your Children, They'll End Up Like Me'!
--6 train
Overheard by: Zarek
Skanktacular Wednesday One-Liners
Girl to friend: It's like that saying, you know? 'The pot calling the kettle a slut.'
--W 63rd St
Overheard by: JustVisiting
Woman to table of people: ... Although I'm pretty sure it says 'slut' in my medical file...
--Rolf's, 22nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Ladle
JAP: You can't put a price on casual sex.
--110th & Broadway
Female employee on break, to man: I'm what's called a nymphomaniac. I'll do it anywhere -- on the bus, the train, in the bathroom, in Chick-Fil-A...
--NYU dining hall
Chick on cell: So yeah -- now I have to see this guy on Monday and work with him. I never work with him, but the minute I bone him, now I get to work with him. It's like the walk of shame drawn out for days... Hey, I can't help it if this keeps happening to me... I guess I need to not get drunk and screw my coworkers.
--89th & Columbus
Overheard by: Lala
College girl to friends: I guess you could say it was a friends with benefits sort of thing, except that we only slept together.
--Columbus Circle subway exit
Overheard by: confused by the definition
Wednesday One-Liners for the Pod People
Hipster girl: You really need to hear his podcast about how technology is raping our souls.
--Bleecker & Broadway
Overheard by: Jekke
Hipster on cell: So I just got my new iPod... Yeah, it's awesome! All I need now is a job, and I'm totally set!
--Stillwater, E 4th & 2nd
Overheard by: Pedro Van
Dude: I think my iPod's gay.
--23rd St F stop
Overheard by: Eliot
Chemistry teacher: I am not liking annoying sound. Today on subway there was man with pants, like, here [motions to mid-thigh] and loud, how you call?... iPod! I am thinking, 'He is going to lose his pants!' And he stand on crowded train and sing with iPod. He give us concert, and am I thinking, 'Why he not dead yet?'
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Little boy, about man blaring music from cell: Geez, just get an iPod, dude!
--Crowded A train
Overheard by: Neal Mortimer
Mellow, Yellow Wednesday One-Liners
Queer to another: It's okay to pee on people. Either you do it or you don't, and I've done it a lot.
--L train
Stumbling drunk girl to friends: All I was thinking was, 'Oh, God, I hope he doesn't pee on me!'
--Mott & Bayard St
Chick: I wish I could pee standing up. If I could pee standing up, I would pee out this window. Did you ever wonder where this door goes? It's like the door to a secret land or something!
--Education building, NYU
Middle-aged guy: I used to pee on the floor just to get attention!
--Lincoln Center
Girl: Can you hold this while I... release my urine?
--The Met
You Really Shouldn't Joke about Wednesday One-Liners
Black girl: But, I mean, other than the hating everyone part, he was the nicest neo-Nazi I've ever met.
--Penn Station
Biker dude: I'm a Puerto Rican Nazi! I can't be racist!
--Outside Pyramid Club, Ave A
Thug entering train at rush hour: Man, it's like the fucking Holocaust in here.
--1 train
Overheard by: Stella Blue
Worker: I think the Holocaust sounds so bad because it's the 'Holocaust.' We should start calling it the 'Jollycaust.'
--Strand Bookstore
Blonde tourist: The date was okay... I mean, the only problem I have is with his politics. And then there was that whole, um, like... racial thing. You know, all that Aryan stuff.
--Crowded M96 crosstown bus
Overheard by: Socky
Watch Where You're Sticking Your Wednesday One-Liner
Woman to another: Yeah, that's true, but she has a huge uterus anyway.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: Will Couchon
Black lady: I had to shut his throat and it was all [violent gurgling noises].
--Varick & King St
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
NYU blonde to friend: I wish I was made of pixels... But cells are sorta like pixels, right? So yay, I am!
--D train
Overheard by: keeeem
Flyer guy: Here you go, sexy! [Brunette ignores him and keeps walking.] I'll take you home and bite you! I'll bite a nice big chunk out of your thigh!
--Broadway & Liberty
Overheard by: ouch ouch
White girl: Ow, my face! I mean my head! I mean my arm...
--Bard High School Early College
Overheard by: jules
Grungy middle-aged man: I'm picking my nose! I'm picking my nose!
--St. Mark's & 3rd Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Get Too Big for Their Britches
20-ish chick on cell: But how can I be getting old? I just gave someone an over-the-pants handjob at a bar last night!
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ladle
Bimbette on cell: ... So I got downstairs and realized I wasn't wearing pants!
--Barnard College
Overheard by: yeah happens all the time
Old lady to teen boy: ... And so you wear girl pants?!
--10th & 5th
Overheard by: Steph
20-ish chick to dad: I don't have Alzheimer's -- I just wear the pants.
--Schubert Alley
Overheard by: Kerry
Loud high school girl: She stood at the subway and was like, 'Could I have two dollars for a metro card?' And that's how she bought a new pair of pants. She told [our teacher] that's how she bought a new pair of pants, but I'm pretty sure it was for bud. She said it was for pants... But it was for bud.
--Manhattan-bound R train
Overheard by: Maggie
Well-dressed old lady: He wants to go somewhere, too -- into your pants! Okay, that was childish.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners Strut, Preen and Peck
Asian lady is eating something, and a black man takes his cell out and starts taking a video, documenting what's going on.
Black man: She seems to be eating some type of seed -- maybe a bird food. It appears to be that she is some sort of bird woman. Ka-kawww, ka-kawww!
--B train
Girl to friend: First you insult my turkey, and then you put a gourd on your face!
--Union Square
Crazy lady on bus: The turkeys! The turkeys! All you people care about is the turkeys and how they feel! What about the carrots and candied yams? No one cares about them!
--M104 bus
Overheard by: Susan Elliott
Little kid running across the street flapping his arms: I can't help it that I'm a chicken!
--90th & Lex
Overheard by: Zach
Hospital employee to another: You see, I don't call them chicken breasts; I call them chicken titties.
--Hospital cafeteria, Upper East Side
Overheard by:
Guy to girl: So you'd rather screw a duck than a geese? Is that what you're telling me?
--Columbia University
Undomesticated Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: That? Oh, that's nothing. It's just a bunch of angry baboons trapped behind a...
--Columbia University
Overheard by: wish I'd caught that last word
Barnard bimbette, about global warming: So, with the polar bears drowning and all, like, what are people worried about? Because, like, there are polar bears at the Central Park Zoo and stuff...
--Columbia University classroom
Overheard by: yeah, cages are a great alternative
Dude to pal: You want tigers, bro? There's over five thousand tigers to choose from.
--W 4th & Jones
Male economics professor: I must confess that over time, in my lifetime, I'm a monkey.
--NYU Cantor Center
Overheard by: NYU student
Curly-haired woman: Did I mention that the penguins have returned to my lobby?
--113th St
Overheard by: McFreaky
Student: You know how snakes can swallow their food whole? What if a person swallowed a snake whole, and then the snake turned inside out, and then ate the person from the inside? That would be awesome.
--Stuyvesant High
WASP on cell: I said 'camels.' He wants to go to Radio City to pet the camels. Fucking psycho.
--Metro-North
All the World's a Wednesday One-Liner
Elderly man to wife: Well, I haven't read the review yet, but I think I liked it!
--Second Stage Theatre, after Euridice performance, 43rd & 8th
Overheard by: Kate McVety
Girl on cell: There needs to be a Mean Girls musical, and you have to be in it.
--50th & Broadway
Overheard by: Maggie
Director: You know, I think we'll actually leave the movie projector on stage for the whole show, as a metaphor or some shit.
--Great Jones St
Old lady to daughter during production of Vinegar Tom: You always bring me to the dirtiest shows!
--Center for the Arts, College of Staten Island
Aspiring actor on cell: The good thing about this play is-- No, it's not just me. The really great thing about this play is the sex.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: if the sex is with him, count me in
Chick, about play where leading lady gets raped: Why is everyone like, 'Oh my god, she was raped!' Rape has happened forever. Sooo many people get raped -- this isn't a shocker. Why are we spending all our time talking about this part of the play? I mean, rape happens.
--Silver Center, Washington Square Park
Overheard by: sizzle
Older woman: So, what's the name of that 'chaperone' play? 'The Dirty Chaperone'? Oh, well. They will know which one I mean.
--TKTS booth
A Sorry Sack of Wednesday One-Liners
12-year-old boy playing on escalator: Oops, sorry! Gotta get rid of the calories somehow!
--Duane Reade, 57th & 6th
Overheard by: liz
Old lady to Indian girl bending to pick up and return stranger's dropped wallet: I always knew you Iraqis were a good people. I'm so sorry about the war.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Amused friend
Big black girl, after getting her foot stepped on: You can say you're fucking sorry. I'll punch you in the face. Bitch, I have postpartum depression.
--A train
Mom to three year-old dragging her into Dunkin' Donuts: I'm sorry, honey, no coffee right now.
--10th & 2nd
Overheard by: Johanna
Dude on payphone: I'm sorry your pipes burst, Mom, but at least you have pipes to burst!
--3rd Ave & Astor Pl
Overheard by: Melissa
Waiter to hungry customers: I'm so sorry for the delay. We dropped a dish and so we're redoing your whole order. As you can see, I'm eating the pasta we made for you...
--105th & Broadway
You Can't Take Your Wednesday One-Liners with You
Crazy guy on "phone": Yeah... I'm still in New York... I'm still dressed as a bum -- you know, so nobody be askin' me how much money I have... So nobody be askin' me what I do.
--Burger King
Blind man to butch chick: If you had money, the men would be all over you!
--43rd & Madison
Overheard by: Casey Felago
Worker collecting money for homeless: Donate whatever you got, folks. Anything -- a penny, a button, a gum wrapper, one of those awards you won in the fourth grade -- you remember those. Come on, folks.
--14th & 4th
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Clown named "Polka-dots," her humor ignored by young woman: Snot! I probably make more money than you do, anyway! [Honks her horn in chick's face.]
--6 train platform, Spring St
Overheard by: Allyse
Hipster: So, it's one hundred dollars just to mount the head?!
--53rd & 9th
Conductor on loudspeaker, after making "suspicious packages" announcement: ... And remember, there are only three shopping days left. If you don't know what to get for people, do what I do -- make a list. Then go to the people on the list and ask what they want. Then you say to them, 'If that's what you want, give me some money, and then I'll buy it for you!'
--A train
Overheard by: a fan of train conductor humor
Wednesday One-Liners, Brought to You by Home Depot
Thugette: She just gave me a compliment! That don't mean she's a lesbian!
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: go rangers!
Man to self: How can you be a vegetarian and a lesbian? It don't make no sense... How can you be a vegetarian and eat pussy? Don't make no kinda sense!
--Outside health food store
NYU chick to another: But I don't want to be a lesbian today...
--In front of Trader Joe's, 14th St
Hobo: No, women don't like men! You know who women like? Lesbians! All women have a lesbian girlfriend!
--E train, 53rd & 5th
Overheard by: Little boxes
Blonde to queer: What I found out is that lesbians really like me.
--Outside Nowhere gay bar
Overheard by: lesbians don't like me
Chubby girl to skinny girl: I'd totally be a lesbian if I wasn't fat. Nobody likes a fat lesbian.
--MoMA
Mama Mia, Those Are Some Spicy Wednesday One-Liners!
Ghetto guy on cell: I been wantin' to go to Chuck E. Cheese for mad long.
--E 8th St
Midwestern girl: I just paid a hundred and thirty bucks for a meal I could have had for twenty dollars at home. [Points at Midwestern guy #1] Fuck you, [points at Midwestern guy #2] fuck you, [points at Midwestern guy #1 again] and especially fuck you. If I wasn't going home with a purse full of mints and toothpicks right now, I'd punch you both in the balls.
--Outside Bobby Flay's, 46th & 2nd
Bus driver: You know, you guys, you can step up onto the back platform. You don't need a reservation. It's not Applebee's.
--M60 bus to LaGuardia
Overheard by: Kevoo
Girl on cell: Why?! Why would anyone ever get something catered by Outback Steakhouse!
--W 3rd St & LaGuardia
Chick on cell: Can you eat at Dallas BBQ in a rubber shirt?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Aren't Wednesday One-Liners Sweet?
Woman: Cake is obsolete.
--E 84th & 3rd
Overheard by: julia
Student giving Powerpoint presentation: Okay, so, um, this is a statue of the Prophet Haggai, and you can see in his hand he's holding a scroll... Or maybe it's a Cinnabon, I don't know.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Lady on cell: It looked like a marshmallow with stick legs!
--Outside Brittany Hall
Girl on cell: We can get a cake and just... fill it with vodka.
--Lafayette Residence Hall, NYU
Overheard by: Emily
Man to woman: ... Adult ice cream.
--23rd & 7th
Overheard by: maureen
Woman with hair bun: I'm not sure whether that makes me think of cake decorating or a veiny penis...
--Barcade, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ladle
Celebutante Wednesday One-Liners
Drunk girl: Oh my god! I looove Amy Winehouse! But, ugh! Poor bitch is gonna die soon!
--Vynl Restaurant, 51st & 9th
Overheard by: Sitting next to the loudest table
Val Kilmer, noticing a 'Now Appearing' sign: Oh! Kris-tin Bell! Not Chris-tian Bale. That makes a lot more sense.
--Big Apple Con, Penn Plaza Pavilion, 33rd & 7th
Nerdy guy: Hey, I may look like Steve-O, but I get more butt than a toilet!
--Outside of The Hog Pit, 13th & 9th
Woman, to friend: ... And then Chuck Norris came out of nowhere!
--W 8th St & Ave S
Overheard by: Kat
Clerk girl: Well, she's kinda like the Korean Melissa Etheridge.
--Duane & Broadway
Overheard by: taylor
Disappointed redneck to fat wife, exiting Olive Garden: Well, we did not see any famous people in there.
--Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Are Fresh As a Summer's Eve
Woman on cell: What?! So I douched today for no reason?!
--27th & 8th
Overheard by: abby k
Guy on cell: Hello? Hello, little douche! Oh, you're just jealous of how not-douchy I am.
--Office, Murray Hill
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Girl on cell: He was a cunt in New York, but he's a total douchebag in L.A.
--49th & 9th
Chick on cell: Listen, I'm sorry for last night... For hiding in the shower all night and being a douche.
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: CMEdia
Professor, reading quote on politics of smoke-filled cities in 19th century: '... To give themselves and their wives and daughters that outside neatness, cleanliness, and freshness...' [Pauses, then] Sounds like a douche ad.
--Columbia University
Is There Life after Wednesday One-Liners?
Dude on cell: The thing is... Is... She was inseminated... By a dead man.
--Outside of Forbidden Planet, 13th & Broadway
Overheard by: Red Stapler
Hipster suit on cell: Wait, wait, wait. What are the details on this drop-dead clause again?
--MoMA
Man on cell: Well, it's a shame he's still alive.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: mma
Hipster girl to friend: Well, you know what? It's kind of good he killed her.
--L train
Overheard by: keeeem
Woman: He was dead! It was great!
--Penn Station
Hipster: If you take a handful of Grapenuts and don't add milk, and you hurl them as hard as you can at somebody's face, you can take out both their eyes and maybe kill them... I can't believe I spent the whole day at the hospital, and they told me to go to the dentist!
--V Bar cafe, Greenwich Village
Overheard by: sean savage
Angry man on cell: I've given her everything! Everything! She wanted me to kill someone! She wanted me to fuck somebody up good! What else can I do?
--15th & 6th
The Gentlemen Callers of Wednesday One-Liners
Hipster chick: ... And I was like, 'I want a boyfriend!' and God was like, 'Hello!'
--43rd & 6th
Lady on cell: You'll have to get a Hispanic boyfriend. Or someone ethnic... Go out with the Jew!
--49th & 8th
Bus driver: No phones on the bus. I don't care if you got problems with your mother, or your brother, or girlfriend got a problem with boyfriend, or boyfriend got a problem with girlfriend, or girlfriend-girlfriend, or boyfriend-boyfriend, or just you got a sad, pathetic life, because other passengers do not like to hear those things. And if you sleep, leave your shoes on -- people take their shoes off, it smells like fish market.
--Port Authority, Greyhound to Philadelphia
Ghetto girl: This weekend I found out that my boyfriend had a wife, and my dad got hit on by another man.
--6 train
20-ish chick: Remember when I used to call my fuck-buddy the 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' of boyfriends?
--Apartment party, 113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Lady on cell: Did you see that girl's butt today?! Did you see her butt?! Ewww! It was like my boyfriend's!
--John St
Congratulations -- You Have Successfully Befriended Wednesday One-Liners
Man: I don't really use Facebook anymore... Except to booty-call poke.
--Starbucks, 6th Ave
Chick: If I die, I don't want a Facebook group in my memory. It's tacky.
--Broadway & Waverly
Overheard by: Sarah
Web guy: I'd say my mouse hand is 'strong' to 'very strong.'
--46th & 6th
German man to another: [Rambles in German, then] EBay is sin! A sin, I tell you!
--H&M, 34th St
Overheard by: Melissa Coppola
Math teacher who looks like Ali G: So, I took a 'How ghetto are you?' quiz on Facebook. Turns out I'm only 61 percent ghetto.
--Bronx Science
Thug to thugette: Fall back -- you never know when people gonna be postin' what you said on the Internet.
--Astor Pl
Overheard by: katattack
Wednesday One-Liners, the Shepherds of New York
Conductor: This is the last stop -- Brooklyn Bridge, City Hall. Y'all have a nice day and be good, now... But if you can't be good, be baaad.
--6 train
Overheard by: Paul Schroeder
Conductor: Good morning, everybody. This is your 7:15 New Haven train, express to Greenwich. To infinity, and beyond!
--Connecticut-bound Metro-North train
MTA worker: This station is now closed. No train is coming here. You all have to get out of here!
--8th St N/Q/R/W station
Overheard by: bKSquared+AV
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please remember that every car of this train has four doors, so 27 people in front of one door -- well, it is not scholarship material. Let's use our brains, people. Then you won't have to bump your guns and complain that the A is never on time.
--A train, 96th St
Overheard by: Emily B.
Conductor: Attention passengers, the last two cars will not platform at Bellerose, either. That means if the doors didn't open for you at the last station, they won't open at Bellerose, either, so stop standing looking confused, and walk forward!
--Hempstead-bound LIRR
Overheard by: Nathalie
Conductor: For those of you standing in the first five cars, the back three cars are almost empty. Come sit down! I'm lonely back here.
--Metro-North
Conductor: And now... the mass exodus!
--F train
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Nothing to Be Ashamed of -- It's Just Wednesday One-Liners
Little girl screaming to mother from bathroom stall: Why do I have to flush every time? Oh, no, I'm stuck!
--Indian restaurant
Black man singing while peeing at urinal: Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? [Finishes urinating abruptly.] Thank you, Lord Jesus. Hallelujah!
--Staten Island Ferry
Guy in stall: I'm an atheist! I'm an atheist! [He shits.] Thank you! Thank you, MLK, for giving me the power!
--NYC Main Library
Trendy girl in stall: The toilet's trying to eat my ass!
--Morimoto
Overheard by: I'd say give a spit polish more than eat
50-ish lady on cell in stall: Hello? In the bathroom... I had to pee-pee, so I'm in the bathroom at Barney's... Yeah, so the doctor said she might have cancer and she'd have to get a biopsy... Hold on while I wipe.
--Barney's
Overheard by: Caryn
Wednesday One-Liners Where the Sun Don't Shine
Lady on cell: Well, would you still say no if I told you I'd shove graphite up your ass? Oh, you would? Yeah, I mean literally up your ass. You'd still say no? Well, I guess that means I'm coming over tonight, then... And did you want me to bring takeout? Maybe lasagna?
--Dressing room, Anthropologie
Meathead: Yo, 50 foot of chain and a tow-rig couldn't pull my tongue out of her ass.
--Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: The Greek
Lady suit: No, no... You get it up the butt... You get all the nutrients up the butt.
--43rd & 9th
Overheard by: tinyfoo
Chick on cell: Who wants to shove shit up themselves for seven days?!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Ladle
Woman exiting elevator, to friend: Yeah, I love you, but you have got to keep your fingers out of my ass.
--Lobby of MCNY, Canal & Varick
Girl yuppie to boy yuppie: The only way he did it was by taking suppositories before every walk.
--9th & 3rd
Overheard by: brigdh
Old guy, after being bumped by passerby: Fucking asshole! Get that shit out of your ass! Stop using those