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Crotchety Wednesday One-Liners
Dude: You know what I did?! Grabbed my crotch once... Boom!
--Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: amused
Guy: ... And then he shoved his crotch in my face and yelled, 'Does this prove something?!'
--Rare, Bleecker St
Overheard by: Keezles
Blond guy: I had my head in that guy's crotch so many times today. It was nuts.
--Coral Towers
Overheard by: No Pun Intended
Queer to fag hag: I don't think he would mind so much that some Asian guy was fondling my crotch as much as he would be worried about the fact that I accepted a ride with a stranger.
--Urban Outfitters, Union Square
Overheard by: Mikey D. Wong
Small, unattended child, singing: Fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch!
--Columbia University
Who's Your Wednesday One-Liner?
Rich girl on cell: Three thousand for a one bedroom?! ... That's fine. I'm mad at my dad anyway.
--Q train to Coney Island
Guy to buddy: My father was a virgin the first time he had sex!
--86th & Park
Overheard by: you sure he still isnt?
JAP on cell: No, I'm not texting him back! I was more impressed by his father's West Village brownstone than the sex we had in it.
--79th & Park
Overheard by: vibrant
Dude: Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? My belly button, thank you!
--Bronx-bound 2 train
Overheard by: Niv
Woman on cell: Ah, but you are the father of many things, just as I am the mother of many things.
--26th & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Big guy with Puerto Rican flag do-rag and huge stuffed animal, to small child: Don'tchu breaka my big Tweety. You breaka my big Tweety, I kill ju father.
--Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: tommy z
Mangy, Flea-Bitten Wednesday One-Liners
Lady on cell: So, I don't know if I should get a coffee table or a dog...
--Stanton & Essex
Woman, about her dog: No, no one ever asks me if he's ugly. I think he's the most beautiful dog in the world. In fact, he looks exactly like Humphrey Bogart!
--25th & 7th
Asian chick on cell: ... Haha, yeah... Well, I hope so! I mean, I had to sell my dog for it...
--107th & Broadway
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Hipster girl to another: We should mate your dog with my cat.
--Hanover Square & Water St
Guy in puffy coat to NYU student: Hey, you -- you wanna buy a puppy? [Opens coat revealing puppy.] It's cheap.
--Union Square
Overheard by: The Meganator
The Excited Titter of Wednesday One-Liners
Tech director: I don't need dirty, rusty, random screws.
--Lincoln Center Institute
Overheard by: Brina
Excitable Islamic Studies professor: ... And what happened when the woodcutter spoke to Mohammed? Yes! He gave him wood! This man, he gave Mohammed wood! And why could only this man give Mohammed wood? Just because he was a woodcutter? No! And do you know what happened when this man gave Mohammed wood? Mohammed's wood exploded into flowers! Yes!
--Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: amelia
Man on conference call speakerphone: Our card penetration was not what we expected from the district. Lucy*, can you tell everyone how you got such good penetration at your store this month?
--The Gap, Queens
Conductor: No! No doors in my rear! Not in my rear!
--A train, Broadway Junction
Overheard by: amused
Grandmother tourist to granddaughter: Wanna grab a pole, Lacey?
--6 train, 51st St
Overheard by: With a name like that......
Chick on cell: I sat on a Camelback's nipple, and now my ass is wet.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Woman with big bag squeezing past for a seat: Sorry -- once I'm in, you won't even feel me.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Rebecca
Wednesday One-Liners Blame It on the Dog
Clerk: A fart is just a preview of your shit.
--Urban Outfitters dressing room, 6th Ave
Overheard by: NYMD
Frat boy: When she put the six pineapples in her twat, none of us thought she was gonna be able to do it. And then when she farted, there was a cucumber up her butt!
--3rd St, between Ave A & Ave B
Overheard by: Margaret Cho's Little Sister
Fart noise occurs twice.
Woman sheepishly looking into purse, to crowd: My kid put that ringtone on my cell, and I don't know how to get rid of it.
--109th & 3rd
Guy running out of school: Oh, thank God -- thank you, Lord! Thank you so much! [Lets out immense fart.] Christ, I've been holding that in since lunch!
--Outside Bard High School Early College, East Houston St
Girl on cell: You know when you have to fart really bad, but you can't because, y'know, you might shart? That's me right now. That's me.
--9th & Broadway
Gassy man: I hope people are enjoying the warmth from my fart!
--Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Still Don't Understand Crocs
Woman on cell: Well, I don't think it's appropriate for you to ask me what I'm wearing... Really short shorts and a long shirt.
--69th St & Columbus
Lady on cell: The outfit that I really want only works with beer bottles.
--Duane Reade, 111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy to girlfriend, about drunk guys dressing up in thrift store: ... And you know one of those guys is going to wake up tomorrow and be like, 'Why am I wearing a kimono?!'
--9th & 3rd
Hipster girl: So, that club she got turned away from? It was for not having on two pieces of corduroy clothing. You know what kind of club that is? A club full of poorly-dressed people.
--Curly's Vegetarian Lunch
Overheard by: magical-newyork.blogspot.com
Dude: I don't know. I just feel like her face is going out of style, you know what I mean?
--27th & 7th
Just the Nicest Wednesday One-Liners You'd Ever Hope to Find
Dude: You really are a nice guy, and it's a good thing you're such a nice guy, because if you weren't, you'd totally be an asshole.
--Lobby of Le Parker Meridien
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Girl: Oh my god, she's so nice. She's a chiropractor and a stripper!
--F train stop, Park Slope
Guy on cell: Yeah, it was nice. I had a real nice time... Yup, she was cremated.
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: kdice
Guy on cell: I know! I know! It's like getting laid! It's like getting laid! I mean, like, you're having a nice dinner, you have a nice wine, but like, is she gonna drop her skirt? You can't tell yet if she's gonna drop her skirt!
--Outside Grand Central
Overheard by: Sarah
20-ish girl to friend: Thank you! You're such a nice person. Except when you're hungry.
--23rd & 7th
Wednesday One-Liners Died for Our Sins
Hipster: So I was walking down the street, and I saw Jesus, and then I was like, 'Hey, how's it going, Jesus?'
--Union Square
Overheard by: Kanad
Subway preacher: The ocean is full of water. Jesus changed water into wine. It's all good. Michael Jackson called it 'Jesus Juice.'
--Rockefeller Plaza subway
Overheard by: G-Lime
Queer: I replaced my imaging of Jesus as a transvestite serial killer to an image of Jesus as a militaristic terrorist...
--1 train
Queer to another: I think Jesus loves Halloween.
--23rd St, between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: adam
20-ish guy: Let me get this straight -- it's spelled like 'Jesus,' but it's pronounced 'Hey-Seuss'? That's just weird.
--49th & 8th
Overheard by: JoBell
Bible thumper: Ladies, you may see a handsome man and think to yourself, 'I want him to be my sugar daddy.' Oh, yes! And he becomes your sugar daddy, and he takes you to Macy's and he buys you a crock pot. Oh, yes! But then later he beats you with that crock pot. Oh, yes! Then you realize that it is not he who is your sugar daddy, it is really Jesus Christ who is your sugar daddy! Oh, yes!
--4 train
Caution: Wednesday One-Liners at Work
Hardhat: Walk in the walkway, people! It's much safer! Watch out for the cabs! They hurt!
--Broadway & Fulton
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Chunky Mexican hardhat: I might not have a million dollars, but I got a big fat dick to put in her ass.
--St. Patrick's Cathedral
Hardhat: Awright, look -- after lunch, I'll get you a grinder, and then we're having a three-way, okay?
--Barnard College
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Hardhat on cell: So, when you say you want to cheat, do you mean a one-time thing, or is this something you plan on doing again and again?
--14th St, between 6th & 7th Ave
Hardhat to another: Bitch, please! I asked for a pink soda! I'm not going to drink this shit!
--10th & 3rd
Overheard by: Veronika LaRocque
Damp, Delicious Wednesday One-Liners
Man on cell: Is your vagina swelled to the same degree as my penis is swelled?
--Union Square
Overheard by: SayWhhhaat
40-ish guy on cell: So, did she show you her vagina?
--43rd & 3rd
Black guy on cell: This is why I never beg for pussy!
--Spring St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Emily B
Girl: My vagina is the Lincoln Tunnel.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Jason Kruta
13-year-old boy to teen girl: I mean, the pussy's good, but it ain't that good.
--Jamaica-bound E train
Overheard by: Rhonda hearts Queens
Chick on cell: I don't know why I listened to you. It hurt. A lot. My vagina feels like it's on fire. I'm never doing that again.
--92nd & 3rd
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Real Page-Turner
Woman: He read a book on fisting, and now he wants to share it with his class.
--L train
Dude: They should have made Beowulf into a book -- they would have made a lot more money.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: LetheaBu
Girl: It used to be the only reason I liked Anna Quindlen was 'cause she was blind. Now it's like, 'Dude, she can read?!'
--Barnard College
NYU bimbette to studious friend: Your problem is that you read for all your classes. Sobriety and scholarly. Those are your problems.
--Starbucks, W 4th St
Overheard by: wine girl
Nine-year-old girl: I forgot my book, and I was supposed to do a report on it! Now what am I going to do?! I'm so senile.
--JFK
Overheard by: mr itchie
Book-hawking hobo: ... And this is my new book, 'If You Don't Beat Your Children, They'll End Up Like Me'!
--6 train
Overheard by: Zarek
Skanktacular Wednesday One-Liners
Girl to friend: It's like that saying, you know? 'The pot calling the kettle a slut.'
--W 63rd St
Overheard by: JustVisiting
Woman to table of people: ... Although I'm pretty sure it says 'slut' in my medical file...
--Rolf's, 22nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Ladle
JAP: You can't put a price on casual sex.
--110th & Broadway
Female employee on break, to man: I'm what's called a nymphomaniac. I'll do it anywhere -- on the bus, the train, in the bathroom, in Chick-Fil-A...
--NYU dining hall
Chick on cell: So yeah -- now I have to see this guy on Monday and work with him. I never work with him, but the minute I bone him, now I get to work with him. It's like the walk of shame drawn out for days... Hey, I can't help it if this keeps happening to me... I guess I need to not get drunk and screw my coworkers.
--89th & Columbus
Overheard by: Lala
College girl to friends: I guess you could say it was a friends with benefits sort of thing, except that we only slept together.
--Columbus Circle subway exit
Overheard by: confused by the definition
Wednesday One-Liners for the Pod People
Hipster girl: You really need to hear his podcast about how technology is raping our souls.
--Bleecker & Broadway
Overheard by: Jekke
Hipster on cell: So I just got my new iPod... Yeah, it's awesome! All I need now is a job, and I'm totally set!
--Stillwater, E 4th & 2nd
Overheard by: Pedro Van
Dude: I think my iPod's gay.
--23rd St F stop
Overheard by: Eliot
Chemistry teacher: I am not liking annoying sound. Today on subway there was man with pants, like, here [motions to mid-thigh] and loud, how you call?... iPod! I am thinking, 'He is going to lose his pants!' And he stand on crowded train and sing with iPod. He give us concert, and am I thinking, 'Why he not dead yet?'
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Little boy, about man blaring music from cell: Geez, just get an iPod, dude!
--Crowded A train
Overheard by: Neal Mortimer
Mellow, Yellow Wednesday One-Liners
Queer to another: It's okay to pee on people. Either you do it or you don't, and I've done it a lot.
--L train
Stumbling drunk girl to friends: All I was thinking was, 'Oh, God, I hope he doesn't pee on me!'
--Mott & Bayard St
Chick: I wish I could pee standing up. If I could pee standing up, I would pee out this window. Did you ever wonder where this door goes? It's like the door to a secret land or something!
--Education building, NYU
Middle-aged guy: I used to pee on the floor just to get attention!
--Lincoln Center
Girl: Can you hold this while I... release my urine?
--The Met
You Really Shouldn't Joke about Wednesday One-Liners
Black girl: But, I mean, other than the hating everyone part, he was the nicest neo-Nazi I've ever met.
--Penn Station
Biker dude: I'm a Puerto Rican Nazi! I can't be racist!
--Outside Pyramid Club, Ave A
Thug entering train at rush hour: Man, it's like the fucking Holocaust in here.
--1 train
Overheard by: Stella Blue
Worker: I think the Holocaust sounds so bad because it's the 'Holocaust.' We should start calling it the 'Jollycaust.'
--Strand Bookstore
Blonde tourist: The date was okay... I mean, the only problem I have is with his politics. And then there was that whole, um, like... racial thing. You know, all that Aryan stuff.
--Crowded M96 crosstown bus
Overheard by: Socky
Watch Where You're Sticking Your Wednesday One-Liner
Woman to another: Yeah, that's true, but she has a huge uterus anyway.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: Will Couchon
Black lady: I had to shut his throat and it was all [violent gurgling noises].
--Varick & King St
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
NYU blonde to friend: I wish I was made of pixels... But cells are sorta like pixels, right? So yay, I am!
--D train
Overheard by: keeeem
Flyer guy: Here you go, sexy! [Brunette ignores him and keeps walking.] I'll take you home and bite you! I'll bite a nice big chunk out of your thigh!
--Broadway & Liberty
Overheard by: ouch ouch
White girl: Ow, my face! I mean my head! I mean my arm...
--Bard High School Early College
Overheard by: jules
Grungy middle-aged man: I'm picking my nose! I'm picking my nose!
--St. Mark's & 3rd Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Get Too Big for Their Britches
20-ish chick on cell: But how can I be getting old? I just gave someone an over-the-pants handjob at a bar last night!
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ladle
Bimbette on cell: ... So I got downstairs and realized I wasn't wearing pants!
--Barnard College
Overheard by: yeah happens all the time
Old lady to teen boy: ... And so you wear girl pants?!
--10th & 5th
Overheard by: Steph
20-ish chick to dad: I don't have Alzheimer's -- I just wear the pants.
--Schubert Alley
Overheard by: Kerry
Loud high school girl: She stood at the subway and was like, 'Could I have two dollars for a metro card?' And that's how she bought a new pair of pants. She told [our teacher] that's how she bought a new pair of pants, but I'm pretty sure it was for bud. She said it was for pants... But it was for bud.
--Manhattan-bound R train
Overheard by: Maggie
Well-dressed old lady: He wants to go somewhere, too -- into your pants! Okay, that was childish.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners Strut, Preen and Peck
Asian lady is eating something, and a black man takes his cell out and starts taking a video, documenting what's going on.
Black man: She seems to be eating some type of seed -- maybe a bird food. It appears to be that she is some sort of bird woman. Ka-kawww, ka-kawww!
--B train
Girl to friend: First you insult my turkey, and then you put a gourd on your face!
--Union Square
Crazy lady on bus: The turkeys! The turkeys! All you people care about is the turkeys and how they feel! What about the carrots and candied yams? No one cares about them!
--M104 bus
Overheard by: Susan Elliott
Little kid running across the street flapping his arms: I can't help it that I'm a chicken!
--90th & Lex
Overheard by: Zach
Hospital employee to another: You see, I don't call them chicken breasts; I call them chicken titties.
--Hospital cafeteria, Upper East Side
Overheard by:
Guy to girl: So you'd rather screw a duck than a geese? Is that what you're telling me?
--Columbia University
Undomesticated Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: That? Oh, that's nothing. It's just a bunch of angry baboons trapped behind a...
--Columbia University
Overheard by: wish I'd caught that last word
Barnard bimbette, about global warming: So, with the polar bears drowning and all, like, what are people worried about? Because, like, there are polar bears at the Central Park Zoo and stuff...
--Columbia University classroom
Overheard by: yeah, cages are a great alternative
Dude to pal: You want tigers, bro? There's over five thousand tigers to choose from.
--W 4th & Jones
Male economics professor: I must confess that over time, in my lifetime, I'm a monkey.
--NYU Cantor Center
Overheard by: NYU student
Curly-haired woman: Did I mention that the penguins have returned to my lobby?
--113th St
Overheard by: McFreaky
Student: You know how snakes can swallow their food whole? What if a person swallowed a snake whole, and then the snake turned inside out, and then ate the person from the inside? That would be awesome.
--Stuyvesant High
WASP on cell: I said 'camels.' He wants to go to Radio City to pet the camels. Fucking psycho.
--Metro-North
All the World's a Wednesday One-Liner
Elderly man to wife: Well, I haven't read the review yet, but I think I liked it!
--Second Stage Theatre, after Euridice performance, 43rd & 8th
Overheard by: Kate McVety
Girl on cell: There needs to be a Mean Girls musical, and you have to be in it.
--50th & Broadway
Overheard by: Maggie
Director: You know, I think we'll actually leave the movie projector on stage for the whole show, as a metaphor or some shit.
--Great Jones St
Old lady to daughter during production of Vinegar Tom: You always bring me to the dirtiest shows!
--Center for the Arts, College of Staten Island
Aspiring actor on cell: The good thing about this play is-- No, it's not just me. The really great thing about this play is the sex.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: if the sex is with him, count me in
Chick, about play where leading lady gets raped: Why is everyone like, 'Oh my god, she was raped!' Rape has happened forever. Sooo many people get raped -- this isn't a shocker. Why are we spending all our time talking about this part of the play? I mean, rape happens.
--Silver Center, Washington Square Park
Overheard by: sizzle
Older woman: So, what's the name of that 'chaperone' play? 'The Dirty Chaperone'? Oh, well. They will know which one I mean.
--TKTS booth
A Sorry Sack of Wednesday One-Liners
12-year-old boy playing on escalator: Oops, sorry! Gotta get rid of the calories somehow!
--Duane Reade, 57th & 6th
Overheard by: liz
Old lady to Indian girl bending to pick up and return stranger's dropped wallet: I always knew you Iraqis were a good people. I'm so sorry about the war.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Amused friend
Big black girl, after getting her foot stepped on: You can say you're fucking sorry. I'll punch you in the face. Bitch, I have postpartum depression.
--A train
Mom to three year-old dragging her into Dunkin' Donuts: I'm sorry, honey, no coffee right now.
--10th & 2nd
Overheard by: Johanna
Dude on payphone: I'm sorry your pipes burst, Mom, but at least you have pipes to burst!
--3rd Ave & Astor Pl
Overheard by: Melissa
Waiter to hungry customers: I'm so sorry for the delay. We dropped a dish and so we're redoing your whole order. As you can see, I'm eating the pasta we made for you...
--105th & Broadway
You Can't Take Your Wednesday One-Liners with You
Crazy guy on "phone": Yeah... I'm still in New York... I'm still dressed as a bum -- you know, so nobody be askin' me how much money I have... So nobody be askin' me what I do.
--Burger King
Blind man to butch chick: If you had money, the men would be all over you!
--43rd & Madison
Overheard by: Casey Felago
Worker collecting money for homeless: Donate whatever you got, folks. Anything -- a penny, a button, a gum wrapper, one of those awards you won in the fourth grade -- you remember those. Come on, folks.
--14th & 4th
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Clown named "Polka-dots," her humor ignored by young woman: Snot! I probably make more money than you do, anyway! [Honks her horn in chick's face.]
--6 train platform, Spring St
Overheard by: Allyse
Hipster: So, it's one hundred dollars just to mount the head?!
--53rd & 9th
Conductor on loudspeaker, after making "suspicious packages" announcement: ... And remember, there are only three shopping days left. If you don't know what to get for people, do what I do -- make a list. Then go to the people on the list and ask what they want. Then you say to them, 'If that's what you want, give me some money, and then I'll buy it for you!'
--A train
Overheard by: a fan of train conductor humor
Wednesday One-Liners, Brought to You by Home Depot
Thugette: She just gave me a compliment! That don't mean she's a lesbian!
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: go rangers!
Man to self: How can you be a vegetarian and a lesbian? It don't make no sense... How can you be a vegetarian and eat pussy? Don't make no kinda sense!
--Outside health food store
NYU chick to another: But I don't want to be a lesbian today...
--In front of Trader Joe's, 14th St
Hobo: No, women don't like men! You know who women like? Lesbians! All women have a lesbian girlfriend!
--E train, 53rd & 5th
Overheard by: Little boxes
Blonde to queer: What I found out is that lesbians really like me.
--Outside Nowhere gay bar
Overheard by: lesbians don't like me
Chubby girl to skinny girl: I'd totally be a lesbian if I wasn't fat. Nobody likes a fat lesbian.
--MoMA
Mama Mia, Those Are Some Spicy Wednesday One-Liners!
Ghetto guy on cell: I been wantin' to go to Chuck E. Cheese for mad long.
--E 8th St
Midwestern girl: I just paid a hundred and thirty bucks for a meal I could have had for twenty dollars at home. [Points at Midwestern guy #1] Fuck you, [points at Midwestern guy #2] fuck you, [points at Midwestern guy #1 again] and especially fuck you. If I wasn't going home with a purse full of mints and toothpicks right now, I'd punch you both in the balls.
--Outside Bobby Flay's, 46th & 2nd
Bus driver: You know, you guys, you can step up onto the back platform. You don't need a reservation. It's not Applebee's.
--M60 bus to LaGuardia
Overheard by: Kevoo
Girl on cell: Why?! Why would anyone ever get something catered by Outback Steakhouse!
--W 3rd St & LaGuardia
Chick on cell: Can you eat at Dallas BBQ in a rubber shirt?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Aren't Wednesday One-Liners Sweet?
Woman: Cake is obsolete.
--E 84th & 3rd
Overheard by: julia
Student giving Powerpoint presentation: Okay, so, um, this is a statue of the Prophet Haggai, and you can see in his hand he's holding a scroll... Or maybe it's a Cinnabon, I don't know.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Lady on cell: It looked like a marshmallow with stick legs!
--Outside Brittany Hall
Girl on cell: We can get a cake and just... fill it with vodka.
--Lafayette Residence Hall, NYU
Overheard by: Emily
Man to woman: ... Adult ice cream.
--23rd & 7th
Overheard by: maureen
Woman with hair bun: I'm not sure whether that makes me think of cake decorating or a veiny penis...
--Barcade, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ladle
Celebutante Wednesday One-Liners
Drunk girl: Oh my god! I looove Amy Winehouse! But, ugh! Poor bitch is gonna die soon!
--Vynl Restaurant, 51st & 9th
Overheard by: Sitting next to the loudest table
Val Kilmer, noticing a 'Now Appearing' sign: Oh! Kris-tin Bell! Not Chris-tian Bale. That makes a lot more sense.
--Big Apple Con, Penn Plaza Pavilion, 33rd & 7th
Nerdy guy: Hey, I may look like Steve-O, but I get more butt than a toilet!
--Outside of The Hog Pit, 13th & 9th
Woman, to friend: ... And then Chuck Norris came out of nowhere!
--W 8th St & Ave S
Overheard by: Kat
Clerk girl: Well, she's kinda like the Korean Melissa Etheridge.
--Duane & Broadway
Overheard by: taylor
Disappointed redneck to fat wife, exiting Olive Garden: Well, we did not see any famous people in there.
--Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Are Fresh As a Summer's Eve
Woman on cell: What?! So I douched today for no reason?!
--27th & 8th
Overheard by: abby k
Guy on cell: Hello? Hello, little douche! Oh, you're just jealous of how not-douchy I am.
--Office, Murray Hill
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Girl on cell: He was a cunt in New York, but he's a total douchebag in L.A.
--49th & 9th
Chick on cell: Listen, I'm sorry for last night... For hiding in the shower all night and being a douche.
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: CMEdia
Professor, reading quote on politics of smoke-filled cities in 19th century: '... To give themselves and their wives and daughters that outside neatness, cleanliness, and freshness...' [Pauses, then] Sounds like a douche ad.
--Columbia University
Is There Life after Wednesday One-Liners?
Dude on cell: The thing is... Is... She was inseminated... By a dead man.
--Outside of Forbidden Planet, 13th & Broadway
Overheard by: Red Stapler
Hipster suit on cell: Wait, wait, wait. What are the details on this drop-dead clause again?
--MoMA
Man on cell: Well, it's a shame he's still alive.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: mma
Hipster girl to friend: Well, you know what? It's kind of good he killed her.
--L train
Overheard by: keeeem
Woman: He was dead! It was great!
--Penn Station
Hipster: If you take a handful of Grapenuts and don't add milk, and you hurl them as hard as you can at somebody's face, you can take out both their eyes and maybe kill them... I can't believe I spent the whole day at the hospital, and they told me to go to the dentist!
--V Bar cafe, Greenwich Village
Overheard by: sean savage
Angry man on cell: I've given her everything! Everything! She wanted me to kill someone! She wanted me to fuck somebody up good! What else can I do?
--15th & 6th
The Gentlemen Callers of Wednesday One-Liners
Hipster chick: ... And I was like, 'I want a boyfriend!' and God was like, 'Hello!'
--43rd & 6th
Lady on cell: You'll have to get a Hispanic boyfriend. Or someone ethnic... Go out with the Jew!
--49th & 8th
Bus driver: No phones on the bus. I don't care if you got problems with your mother, or your brother, or girlfriend got a problem with boyfriend, or boyfriend got a problem with girlfriend, or girlfriend-girlfriend, or boyfriend-boyfriend, or just you got a sad, pathetic life, because other passengers do not like to hear those things. And if you sleep, leave your shoes on -- people take their shoes off, it smells like fish market.
--Port Authority, Greyhound to Philadelphia
Ghetto girl: This weekend I found out that my boyfriend had a wife, and my dad got hit on by another man.
--6 train
20-ish chick: Remember when I used to call my fuck-buddy the 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' of boyfriends?
--Apartment party, 113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Lady on cell: Did you see that girl's butt today?! Did you see her butt?! Ewww! It was like my boyfriend's!
--John St
Congratulations -- You Have Successfully Befriended Wednesday One-Liners
Man: I don't really use Facebook anymore... Except to booty-call poke.
--Starbucks, 6th Ave
Chick: If I die, I don't want a Facebook group in my memory. It's tacky.
--Broadway & Waverly
Overheard by: Sarah
Web guy: I'd say my mouse hand is 'strong' to 'very strong.'
--46th & 6th
German man to another: [Rambles in German, then] EBay is sin! A sin, I tell you!
--H&M, 34th St
Overheard by: Melissa Coppola
Math teacher who looks like Ali G: So, I took a 'How ghetto are you?' quiz on Facebook. Turns out I'm only 61 percent ghetto.
--Bronx Science
Thug to thugette: Fall back -- you never know when people gonna be postin' what you said on the Internet.
--Astor Pl
Overheard by: katattack
Wednesday One-Liners, the Shepherds of New York
Conductor: This is the last stop -- Brooklyn Bridge, City Hall. Y'all have a nice day and be good, now... But if you can't be good, be baaad.
--6 train
Overheard by: Paul Schroeder
Conductor: Good morning, everybody. This is your 7:15 New Haven train, express to Greenwich. To infinity, and beyond!
--Connecticut-bound Metro-North train
MTA worker: This station is now closed. No train is coming here. You all have to get out of here!
--8th St N/Q/R/W station
Overheard by: bKSquared+AV
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please remember that every car of this train has four doors, so 27 people in front of one door -- well, it is not scholarship material. Let's use our brains, people. Then you won't have to bump your guns and complain that the A is never on time.
--A train, 96th St
Overheard by: Emily B.
Conductor: Attention passengers, the last two cars will not platform at Bellerose, either. That means if the doors didn't open for you at the last station, they won't open at Bellerose, either, so stop standing looking confused, and walk forward!
--Hempstead-bound LIRR
Overheard by: Nathalie
Conductor: For those of you standing in the first five cars, the back three cars are almost empty. Come sit down! I'm lonely back here.
--Metro-North
Conductor: And now... the mass exodus!
--F train
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Nothing to Be Ashamed of -- It's Just Wednesday One-Liners
Little girl screaming to mother from bathroom stall: Why do I have to flush every time? Oh, no, I'm stuck!
--Indian restaurant
Black man singing while peeing at urinal: Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? [Finishes urinating abruptly.] Thank you, Lord Jesus. Hallelujah!
--Staten Island Ferry
Guy in stall: I'm an atheist! I'm an atheist! [He shits.] Thank you! Thank you, MLK, for giving me the power!
--NYC Main Library
Trendy girl in stall: The toilet's trying to eat my ass!
--Morimoto
Overheard by: I'd say give a spit polish more than eat
50-ish lady on cell in stall: Hello? In the bathroom... I had to pee-pee, so I'm in the bathroom at Barney's... Yeah, so the doctor said she might have cancer and she'd have to get a biopsy... Hold on while I wipe.
--Barney's
Overheard by: Caryn
Wednesday One-Liners Where the Sun Don't Shine
Lady on cell: Well, would you still say no if I told you I'd shove graphite up your ass? Oh, you would? Yeah, I mean literally up your ass. You'd still say no? Well, I guess that means I'm coming over tonight, then... And did you want me to bring takeout? Maybe lasagna?
--Dressing room, Anthropologie
Meathead: Yo, 50 foot of chain and a tow-rig couldn't pull my tongue out of her ass.
--Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: The Greek
Lady suit: No, no... You get it up the butt... You get all the nutrients up the butt.
--43rd & 9th
Overheard by: tinyfoo
Chick on cell: Who wants to shove shit up themselves for seven days?!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Ladle
Woman exiting elevator, to friend: Yeah, I love you, but you have got to keep your fingers out of my ass.
--Lobby of MCNY, Canal & Varick
Girl yuppie to boy yuppie: The only way he did it was by taking suppositories before every walk.
--9th & 3rd
Overheard by: brigdh
Old guy, after being bumped by passerby: Fucking asshole! Get that shit out of your ass! Stop using those damn tampons!
--23rd & 3rd
Wednesday One-Liners Never Use the Safeword
Prim lady: Even whips and chains can't keep boy problems from being typical.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
College student to friends: One time I just want to be caught in a sexually compromising situation with nothing but my bubble wand blower.
--27th & 7th
Overheard by: LFB
Queer on cell: When you handcuffed me, ohhh yes... No, I don't think there's a railing I could use right now. No... I'm not taking them out of my bag! Ugh, fiiine... Be there in five minutes... You're baaad! [Runs off giggling.]
--Penn Station
Little girl, to mother: Get off the train! I want to get off! Move away! Move away! Bad girl!
--1 train
Overheard by: EthanK
Chick on cell: Your hook-up buddies would be the type to stow you in a closet.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Nerdy chick: Cognitive dissonance is not my kink.
--Kinoko Sushi, W 72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Wednesday One-Liners Got Mad People Skills
Man selling newspapers: Get your newspapers here and I'll buy you a drink! ... Don't listen to me -- I'm here to sell you newspapers.
--32nd & 6th
CD hawker: You lookin' for the bus to Mars? It comes in right over here! [Minutes later.] C'mon, white people! Spend money! Hey, white people! I'm black people!
--8th & Broadway
Flyer lady to line of people: You guys need to read this -- it's important. It's about the waterboarding issue and the new attorney general. Please read these -- all about the new attorney general. What's his name? Makaskey? Or... Something... This is really important.
--Washington Square South
Overheard by: jen
Pamphlet guy: Hey, man, you want to save the kids? No, you don't. Just keep walking -- who cares?
--Union Square
Hawker: I'll trade anyone their Starbucks coffee for a Zipcar flyer!
--Spring St station
Overheard by: Lalaith
Flyer lady: Hey, girl -- you betta stop. Buy a leather jacket! Make you look so sexy and hot. Make your man wanna hit that spot!
--Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: I don't need a jacket for that, BiTCheSSSSS
Flyer girl: Take this flyer. Buy a sweater for your pretty wife -- get hot sex tonight!
--34th St
Do You Have Wednesday One-Liner Envy?
Chick on cell: I now have people in four states wanting to see his dick.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Ladle
Man on cell: Haha, whiskey dick.
--89th & 3rd
Overheard by: Zach
Chick to guy: If your dick starts to morph, that's a bad sign.
--Lucky 13 Saloon, Park Slope
Overheard by: Danielle
Girl, in disbelief: Your penis can shiver?!
--Lafayette & Astor
Male parks department employee on cell: Listen, Ed -- you're gonna think this is a crazy question, but I need to know what size penis you got.
--Prospect Park
Guy: Dude, I drank a shit-load, but I don't pull my dick out of my pants in public and show it to people! Why do you do that?
--Montague St, Brooklyn Heights
Guy on cell: What?! Oh... Okay, I'll write on your dick.
--OK Foods
Big, Beautiful Wednesday One-Liners
Young boy to mother: No! I didn't call you fat!
--27th & 3rd
Overheard by: Andrea Leyton-Mange
Fat chick wearing tiny clothing: I got a belly with a fat pussy.
--4th & 6th
Overheard by: not what i needed to hear
Hobo: I was leaving my wife. I realized I didn't have to run away, I could just walk. The bitch couldn't fit through the door.
--A train
Black guy, about fat black girl: Damn, I know Anissa's jacket be hurtin'! That zipper be like [in falsetto], 'Heeelp! Let me down! Let me dooown!'
--Manhattan-bound 5 train
Overheard by: Lillian
Lady with sparkly blue eyeshadow: Real Women Have Curves? No, they just fat.
--Blockbuster, Broadway, between 9th & 10th
Wednesday One-Liners Are Good for You!
Fat woman: I'll be rolling in my grave, sayin', 'I ate all them collard greens, y'hear?!'
--President St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Nick Draven
Four-year-old girl on bike to two-year-old brother on scooter: Brian, you scared all the salad out of me!
--Ave B, between 5th & 6th St
Overheard by: santa's boy toy
Fordham student: Some time after I eat asparagus, you'll all have to come and smell my pee.
--Fordham University
Chick: You can't live your life in a corn maze.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Elderly carnivore to elderly vegetarian: What about vegetables? They have lives, too.
--Q train
Overheard by: Rich Weksberg
The Best Things in Life Are Wednesday One-Liners
Metro hawker: Free news! Free news! It may not be any good, but hey -- it's free!
--43rd & Lex
Street vendor selling soda: One dollar! ... 50 cents! ... Free!
--Ground Zero
AM New York guy: Free! And if you want it in French, 'Parlez-vous fran-free!'
--32nd & Greeley Square
Overheard by: Mary Beth
Flyer guy: Free colored pieces of paper!
--Times Square
Chick: If I didn't pee on a guy for diamonds, what makes you think I'd pee on one for free?
--Union Square Park
With Wednesday One-Liners Like These, Who Needs Enemies?
Bimbette: Luckily for me, all of my friends are really unhappy.
--Urban Outfitters, Broadway & E Houston
Overheard by: Loring
Little boy to nanny: I don't want to play with my backup friends today! I hate the transit strike!
--Central Park
JAP: Can we talk about how he went orb hunting with his friends instead of coming to my place to cuddle me?!
--Central Park
20-something chick: I would be a lot closer friends with her if it weren't for her hair.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Ladle
Eight-year-old girl to younger brother: You don't deserve to go to your friend's... You deserve to be punished in a dungeon!
--9th & 5th, Park Slope
Overheard by: brownthomas
Nine-year-old girl to father: All my friends have issues...
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Little girl looking at ice cream cake featuring Dora the Explorer: Look, Mommy -- there's all my friends!
--Dunkin' Donuts/Baskin Robbins, 30th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Wench
The Rocky Horror Wednesday One-Liner Show
Old lady to grad student son: Hmmm, I never thought of it before, but pre-op transsexuals are like ABDs!
--98th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kobayashi
Hipster: This is New York! You'd think I could have a sex change and everyone would be okay with it!
--3rd & Lex
Overheard by: West Coast Courtney
Guy: So, let me get this straight -- she was a fine-ass chick that looked like a dude that wasn't a fine-ass chick, because she looked like a dude?
--Court St & Atlantic Ave
20-ish chick: I can't believe how selfish she is. I mean, why wouldn't she share her tranny?
--Brooklyn Burger Bar
Fat Italian guy in velvet running suit: Everybody fucks... We all fuck... But did she have to fuck a guy with tits?!
--Little Italy
Overheard by: Frank C.
Man: You're right -- I thought I was the only one that thought that the skinny little woman from Sex and the City and Jennifer Aniston look like trannies.
--Chambers St & W Broadway
Overheard by: sonny
Female student: Who would have expected that they would play the 'Your dead brother is actually a woman' card?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Matthew
Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Close for Comfort
Scholar: I've spent most of my time at NYU defending New Jersey.
--Washington Square
Queer: I knew there was a reason I live in New Jersey -- I can buy coke.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Natalie
Indignant hobo, to self: State of New Jersey! Yeah, right!
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Conductor: To all of you passengers wandering around looking for seats, there are five empty cars at the front of the train. They're going to New Jersey, too, you know.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Chick on cell: Geez, Mom! It's not my fault you decided to have another baby after forty... Well, when you put it that way, I guess it is my fault... Yeah, but you gotta talk to Dad about that last part. I was in Jersey most of that year, remember?
--L train
Overheard by: Kelly
Two-year-old boy, as train emerges from tunnel into New Jersey: Ewww!
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: my thoughts exactly
Wednesday One-Liners Feel a Draft
Sorostitute: Everyone has to be naked!
--Wagner College
Overheard by: Heather
Middle-aged lady with hubby, pointing to young band member: Hi! Since we've seen you naked on your website, we feel like we already know you!
--Party, LES
Overheard by: Tom
One maintenance worker to another: Look, man, you don't have to strip if you don't want to.
--112th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: ColumbiaBrain
Chick: ... But she didn't want to get naked in front of her pet monkey...
--Lucky Cheng's
Overheard by: ein ladle
Dude: When I got back into the room, he was naked and I was like, 'What the fuck?!' I asked him why he was and he said he thought we were gonna do chemistry homework!
--Times Square
Girl: ... But is it worth taking off my clothes again?
--Beacon's Closet dressing room
Overheard by: jayloo
What Exactly Is in Wednesday One-Liners?
Girl wrapped in towel: I'm totally going to put on my body suit... And then I'm going to cook a sausage!
--NYU
Overheard by: Caitlyn
Hispanic male: Ugh, if I see one more sausage, I'm gonna poke myself in the leg.
--Mulberry St
Overheard by: Lucia
Guy on cell: I'm thinking of leaving this business for poultry... No, you need a meat cleaver.
--Fashion District
Overheard by: Emily B.
Thug: Yo, the meat at this place is fresh, son. They got, like, a cow out back, and they be cuttin' it. The cow be like, 'Mooo-owww! Mooo-owww!' Crazy fresh meat, yo. Crazy.
--LES
Chinese-American mom grabbing child's hand: Don't touch the meat, or it will bite you!
--Hong Kong Supermarket, 60th & 8th
Art student to another: I can?t believe we have to paint another sausage tonight.
--SVA Building, W 21st St
Old man to friend: I need to go to the Albanian butcher... But I'm afraid to go in there.
--68th St, Queens
Overheard by: Maggie
Half of All Wednesday One-Liners End in Divorce
Girl to friend: Yeah, so when he enlisted, he totally asked me to marry him and was like, 'I'll get more money so I can send it to you, and if you really want to get married to someone else some day, then we can get divorced'! And he, like, was totally sincere about it. It was so sweet.
--E 49th & 5th
Overheard by: karen
Young suit: You can't break up with me just because I married her while we're engaged! It's not like I love her or anything... Like you've never married anyone for a green card!
--79th & Lex
Overheard by: cd
Man on cell: Hello? Hello? Hey, is that you, Brenda*? Yeah, yeah, it's me, Mikey*. Say, how you been doin'? Listen, you still married? You happily married? [Long pause.] Oh. Okay, listen, gotta run. You take care of yourself!
--54th & 7th
Woman on cell: If only they made penis-shaped wedding tuxes.
--Victoria's Secret, Chelsea
Overheard by: Ladle
Professor, on Dido and Aeneas' relationship in The Aeneid: Fucking in a cave does not equal marriage!
--Sarah Lawrence College
Overheard by: loving her lit lecture
30-something strolling down street, to himself: Oh, shit, I forgot my wife.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kat
Wednesday One-Liners Are People, Too
Hobo: I'm looking for ladies with pretty toes. Holla, holla! So come here, mama. I like them big, fat, juicy toes.
--125th & 3rd
Overheard by: Thank God I'm wearing sneakers
Hobo to young tourists: Can you give me 85 bucks to buy a seafood platter?
--55th St, between 6th & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Rose
Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen... Well, I'm not gonna lie -- I wanna get high mothafuckahs!
--Queens-bound N train
Overheard by: Ryan M
Hobo: Sir, can you spare me a hundred dollars for a steak dinner?
--Outside Smith & Wollensky Steakhouse
Overheard by: Lara Kahan
Hobo: You know, if the pilgrims had killed bobcats instead of turkey, we'd be eating pussy for Thanksgiving.
--C train
Hobo to MTA worker walking by: How you doing? [MTA worker keeps walking.] Alright! Keep on truckin'! [MTA worker leaves train.] Get the fuck outta here! Okay! That's all I have to say! [Hobo leaves train.]
--7 train
Papa Hemingway's Wednesday One-Liners
Guy: I may be an alcoholic, but I've had a lot of fun.
--1 train
Hot chick on cell: Should I drunkenly buy a used corset off the street?
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: McFreaky
Lady on cell: I didn't throw up and black out -- I was just a little drunk.
--3rd & LaGuardia
Overheard by: Jay
White kid to another: Man, if you want to be authentic, we should get forties.
--118th & 3rd
Overheard by: Synthetic
Dude on cell: I don't really think he's very busy these days, but he's an excellent drunk.
--19th & 8th
Overheard by: SUSAN
Professor, on crime in the city: So, be aware. I know it's hard to be aware while you're intoxicated, but work on it.
--Columbia University
Wednesday One-Liners Wish They'd Stuck to Casual Sex
Chick: Well, our relationship has been kind of weird. I mean, the first time I met him I thought he was dorky, then the second time I met him I thought he was hot. Hot enough to fuck, because I didn't know about his girlfriend yet. Then the third time I met him I thought he was gay, and that was before I met his crazy girlfriend.
--Soho
Girl: I am so sick of dating these losers. From now on, I won't go out with any guy unless he has an entry in Wikipedia.
--Masa
Man on cell: No, I don't want to go with my girlfriend! I want to go with you, because I want to have fun!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Claire H
Man on cell: ... So she called me up later, and said, 'Sorry I was such a cunt.' That's when I said to myself, 'I like this girl.'
--Outside Supreme Court, 360 Adams St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Girl to boyfriend, arguing: ... But I let you have access all my orifices!
--Orchard & Delancey
Overheard by: Rob
Five-year-old boy: I've got two girlfriends, but one of them is six and I'm only five, so she's not my type.
--A train
Overheard by: Neal Mortimer
Wanksday One-Liners
Large lady in sun dress to man in front of her: Do you want this seat? 'Cause I can't sit here and watch you play with yourself in front of me.
--F train, between Carroll St & Bergen St
Worker to partner: Next time he starts jerkin' off, I wanna know.
--Manhattan & Nassau, Brooklyn
Guy on cell: Wanna know how I have fun? I go home, eat, jerk off and watch TV. Now that's fun!
--29th & 7th
Suit: Man, if I was a woman, I'd be at home sticking everything inside me -- cucumbers, hair brush handles, whatever I could find!
--Broadway & Crescent Ave, Long Island City
Overheard by: tracy
College chick on cell: Yay for masturbation! And yay for date rape!
--N train
Overheard by: Bionic Womyn
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't a Tourist Attraction, Assholes
Chick to friend, standing silently for several minutes: You know, there really isn't that much to see here.
--Ground Zero
Woman on cell: What about the Christmas cards with the twin towers surrounded by flowers? ... Yeah. Kinda grim, huh?
--Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Karyn Regal
Wannabe-hardcore bimbette: So, this is where it all went down, huh? Where the shit hit the fan...
--PATH station, WTC
Overheard by: WesTexMike
Tourist man to MTA lady: I want to go to that World Trade Center thing.
--14th St station
Tourist: Is this nine-eleven?
--Ground Zero
Overheard by: duplicity
Wednesday One-Liners? Everyone Knows They Don't Exist!
Teen boy: ... Except you're forgetting that I'm an elf.
--M14D bus
Overheard by: amelia
Girl to friend, both covered in fake blood and wounds: Are you sure this is the right location? I don't see any other zombies around...
--42nd St
Overheard by: Katie
Hobo: Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir! I'm a goddamn leprechaun!
--W 4th & Waverly
Overheard by: Alex
Teacher: So, I had a dream last night that I was surrounded by zombies. Then I realized it was a dream, and I had a big sword and started swinging it at the zombies' heads. But the sword was going through them and I was like, 'What the hell?!' and then they started turning into my freshmen students from last year...
--Bronx Science
Open-Mouth Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: This is your conductor reminding you to beware of pickpockets. Keep your bags in sight, your wallets in your pocket, stay alert, and remember to kiss.
--5 express train
Overheard by: Ben Arwin
Guy to girl: I'm not going to kiss you, 'cause remember -- last time we kissed was before you went to jail.
--O'Connor's, Bergen St & 5th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Joe
Drunk guy: I didn't kiss your boobs, I kissed your chest. There's a difference!
--49th & 1st
Guido: I'm not prejudiced against fat chicks. I would love to fuck a fatty tonight... I just won't kiss her.
--Outside McFatty's
Overheard by: Liz
Five-year-old girl: Before we leave, I'm going to kiss a boy and get married later.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Daveyy
Wednesday One-Liners Need an Extinguisher for Their Pants
Guy on cell: No, I'm upstate.
--F train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Dislocated Upstater
Dude on cell: Dude, I'm at the library!
--Reade & West Broadway
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Man on cell while on bus: Yeah, Mom, I gotta go. I'm getting on the subway.
--99th & Broadway
Overheard by: Zach
Rich lady on cell: Yes, sweetie, I'm in New Jersey now. I miss you, too!
--Wall St
Overheard by: Trillie
Suit on cell: I told you, Jim, I can't help you now. I'm already in New Jersey!
--Liberty & Broadway
Overheard by: Les Izzmore
How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Center of a Wednesday One-Liner?
Chick: How am I supposed to exercise my authority when people are asking me, 'Do you want to lick it?'?!
--Churrascaria Plataforma
Dude: I used the little bathroom in the back, and there was sauce all over the toilet. I wanted to lick it up.
--DiFara's Pizzeria
Teen boy: Oh my god, Barrett Foa! He's so hot... I want him to lick my vagina! Oh, my poor, crusty vagina...
--Stage door of Golden Theatre
Overheard by: Emo Barbie Julia
Hipster boy: I will climb down on those tracks and lick that third rail. I will lick it!
--L train
Overheard by: how many hot dogs?
Punk chick: Why are you so disgusted by licking other people's eyeballs?
--17th Ave, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners of Color
Queer: 'Winter white' used to mean something.
--Houston & Lafayette
Overheard by: JC
Fat guy: I can't believe I bought a freaking purple litter box.
--Spring & Thompson
Conductor: We have a red signal and should be moving shortly. In the mean time, sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery.
--A train in tunnel before 59th St
Guy: They should just hang a big pink triangle on him and tell him to stop.
--2nd Ave station
Overheard by: Kira
Guy on cell: Yeah. I use Post-it flags to read GQ. Red for chicks, blue for clothes [continues]...
--Shuttle bus from JFK to Grand Central
Overheard by: post-it flag dependent student
Hobo selling lollipops: Please find God in your hearts and buy a sucker so I can rent a room. I know some of you don't want to read the Bible -- you just want to go home and smoke some weed or whatever, but I got news for every person on this train: I don't care if you're black, white, blue, or green, you're all going to die.
--6 train, 28th St
Overheard by: going home to smoke weed
Fresh-Cut, Deli-Style Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on cell: I'm pretty sure Cheez Doodles® not falling out of the vending machine is a sign of the apocalypse.
--63rd & Madison
Overheard by: Gabby
Dude: Would anyone like some cheese?! I have some cheese in my pocket!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Javi
Crazy hobo: If Bloomberg wants cream cheese, I'm damn well not payin' for it!
--E train, 59th St
Overheard by: dubyaMD
Suit on cell: If you stopped eating macaroni and cheese, your couch cushions wouldn't be flat.
--70th St & Colonial Rd, Bay Ridge, Brookyn
Overheard by: Steve
Kid on overcrowded bus: Daddy, it smells like butt cheese!
--125th St
Overheard by: I totally did
Fat black lady, running: I want some cheesecake!
--Times Square
Thanks for the Mammaries, Wednesday One-Liners
Thug to girlfriend: Psh, no wonder! You got tits like an orangutan!
--Francis Lewis High
Stripper on cell: I just finished my fourth shift this week. I'm so tired of seeing titties!
--Outside Scores Gentleman's Club
Overheard by: Tom
Hipster: It only works for creatures with tits.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Nikki Stellini
Queer: Boobs are so not annoying.
--Astoria
Blonde on cell: So, how was your weekend? ... Oh! How did it go? Do they feel like bowling balls? ... You wore a snowsuit? Wow, I've never heard of anyone who gets breast implants and then hides them!
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: s.
Chick on cell: I mean, what it boils down to is this: I have a really outstanding rack.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
These Wednesday One-Liners Won't Stain
Woman on cell: He wouldn't know where the hell my G-spot was if it hit him in the face with female ejaculation.
--Central Park
Overheard by: albus severus
Garage attendant: Sex is better when you're all sweaty. If she can't grab your ass, she'll slide right off!
--Parking garage, Edgecombe Ave
Overheard by: Lalaith
Frat boy: ... So I look down and I see vagina juices all down the side of my pants.
--NYU dining hall
Old Russian lady blows nose into her palm and flings it behind her, almost hitting black woman.
Black woman: Lady, you got to watch what you're doing! You can't be doin' that shit! You almost hit me with your snot!
--Queens Blvd, Rego Park
Dentist: Wow, your saliva just spurted like a whale!
--10th & 3rd
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Woman in dressing room: There's a booger on the wall in here. I wonder what the proper etiquette is for this.
--MEXX, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Sarah
Drink Up, Wednesday One-Liners!
Man singing "My Girl": White girl -- talking 'bout whiiite girl! Yeah, you! If I could, I would take you home right now and give you some Kool-Aid!
--2 train
Old guy playing chess: I can't drink orange juice anymore. It makes my eyes sweat.
--Bleecker & Thompson
Overheard by: fancypants
Woman on cell: Just drink cranberry juice. It cures everything.
--Starbucks, Astor Pl
Overheard by: Brian
Man on cell: I don't think somebody would put poison in milk...
--Union Square
Overheard by: SixthFloorGirls
Woman on cell: My cabbie just handed me a can of Coors. What the fuck?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Outraged eight-year old boy: They didn't have any fucking chocolate milk! I was so pissed off!
--76th & West End
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Reason for the Season
Bus driver: Just a friendly reminder, folks: it is now holiday season! Holiday shopping season! So, for those of you who insist on utilizing the crosstown bus, please remember to add six hours onto your regular travel time!
--M14D crosstown bus
Conductor: This is the A express. Forty-second Street is next. And remember: only ten shopping days left until Christmas!
--A train, 59th St
Overheard by: Call me Santa
Man on cell: What did I get you for for Christmas last year? ... Oh, yeah, I bought you all that! [Smiles sheepishly.] Well, I ain't buying you shit this Christmas!
--1 train
Overheard by: marcusmarc
Old black dude to Salvation Army Santa: Hahaha! You ring that bell like a faggot!
--33rd & 7th
Conductor: Now would be a good time to discuss the idea of pickpockets -- they're running wild everywhere during this Christmas time! And that's your paranoia for the day!
--F train
Santa on cell: Bro, I totally almost fucked a girl dressed as a reindeer last night.
--Ludlow St
Overheard by: ryan
Conductor: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you're all doing well. Just wanted to remind you to take all your belongings with you as you exit the train. Have a wonderful holiday... Be safe, be good, and if you can't be good, be good-looking.
--2 train
Overheard by: apparently out of luck
Open Wide, Wednesday One-Liners!
Big black church lady heading into storefront ministry: It is against the law to suck dick on the street!
--Cypress Hills, Brooklyn
Overheard by: punkee
Ex-frat boy: What if I put a wig on? Would you let me go down on you? Remind you of your college days?
--Goodbye Blue Monday, Bushwick
Student: Baby, baby, baby -- I swear to God, yo -- swallowing prevents breast cancer and shit.
--Outside Midtown High
Woman: Blowjobs for ludes is a win-win situation.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Dressy lady: I would blow that Kermit parade float.
--Tavern on the Green
Candy-Apple Red Slingback Wednesday One-Liners
Man to friend with horse and carriage: Last week I was a cripple... Then I got these sneakers!
--6th Ave & Central Park South
Boy: ... And then he said I was wearin' my mama's sneakers, and I said, 'That's a lie! Of all the sneakers that both my mom and I have, there are two separate pairs of each! One for me and one for her! They just look a lot alike.'
--Key Foods, Lincoln Pl & Washington Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Michael O'Connor
Yuppie to another: They're not only taking his money, they're going after his wife's shoes!
--Equinox, Lexington Ave
Overheard by: wolf
Plump European woman: I still think of her... She doesn't believe in shoes.
--Gemini Diner, 33rd & 2nd
Overheard by: Dasha
Girl: If I don't get the Tory Burch flats, I'm going to cut someone.
--"7th on Sale" Sample Sale
Pepé Le Pew's Scentimental Wednesday One-Liners
Hobo: Hey, ladies. [Girls giggle.] You smell so good -- like Campbell's soup!
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: Emily
Man on cell: You tell your smelly sisters that they have to shower tonight.
--39th & 5th
Queer hipster to fag hag: Oh my god, his placenta stank!
--N train
Overheard by: Lauren
Chick to friend: Shut up, or I'll sniff you in a minute!
--Central Park
JAP: Ew, like -- I like, washed my hair, like, this morning... Why does it, like, smell? Ewww... That's sooo bimmey!
--1 train
Chipper thugette: I smell pussy!
--L train, Bedford stop
Give Me Fifty CCs of Wednesday One-Liners, Stat!
Drunk girl: As it turns out, while I was away on vacation my husband had a vasectomy without me knowing about it...
--12th & 5th, Park Slope
Dressy guy: Instead of having my colonoscopy today, I think I'll go to Valentine's with you.
--3rd & LaGuardia
Woman on cell: So yeah, the surgery went great, and they saved my ovary. Yay! What? Of course I'm still on the pill! Do you think I actually want to use it?
--Grand Central
Overheard by: E
Guy on cell: Yeah, she said it was a cyst and that I probably shouldn't have tried to perform surgery on myself.
--26th & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Rose Fox
NYU queer: So, are you getting some kind of penis enlargement today, or what?
--Waverly & University
The Scandalous Scanties of Wednesday One-Liners
Blonde on cell: I'm totally excited about getting out of the city and camping for the weekend... Yeah... Yeah... No, I packed like six pairs of underwear -- there's no way I'm going to run out like last time.
--F train
Overheard by: only in NYC
JAP: Yeah, I lost my underwear there last night.
--50th & 6th
80-year-old man on cell: I'm over in the lingerie department. I'm touching all the panties.
--Macy's, Herald Square
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Drunk chick: She doesn't even wear a thong! It's like she's a dude or some shit.
--W 10th & Hudson
Middle-aged man: So tell me, how do I unhook a bra?
--Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: Walking the bridge
These Wednesday One-Liners Will Self-Destruct in Five Seconds
Southern tourist: ... And, like, we all came all the way to the city, and there's a bomb threat? I mean, we even made reservations!
--78th & Broadway
Guy to chick: Take Albert Einstein, for instance. He was a small guy, and he built the atomic bomb... And he nuked Japan with it.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chelsea
Mom to child as he fashions a bomb out of clay: Tyler, this is a non-violent birthday party!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Wondering what a violent one is like
Substitute chemistry teacher: Okay, let's get a little sex appeal in here... Who knows how to make a hydrogen bomb?
--Stuyvesant High
Morally outraged thugette: He mess with the wrooong girl! I will blow this whole train up!
--G train
Overheard by: sarah
Professor: ... And in next week's class -- how to build a nuclear bomb!
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
Wednesday One-Liners' Anatomy
Fat Latina: I remember just squatting over her and stuffing it in her face.
--36th & Park
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Guy: It's not the eyes in the back of the head, it the lack of a nose in the back of the head that's the problem.
--N train
Overheard by: sara n.
Chick: My ovaries popped, and he's giving me shit for it.
--Queens Blvd & Continental Ave
Overheard by: Jacquie
Guy on cell: They need new feet... I don't know, to walk on!
--7th & 4th, Brooklyn
Chick: A uterus seems like a fun place to be!
--57th & 2nd
Overheard by: Sally S.
Man on cell: Baby, you are the only one who has seen my body! You are the only one who has seen my body!
--14th & 3rd
Overheard by: bildita
Chipper, early-20s redhead to blonde: Open your ears, woman! Do I have to use my tail?!
--116th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Are All Over the Map
Lesbian: Bitch, you better shut the fuck up before I go Park Slope on your ass!
--1 train
Aging khaki preppy: That's Strawberry Fields? It looks so... East side.
--Strawberry Fields
Overheard by: turd on the run
Lady tourist: A gay bar -- I think it was in Chelsea. Is there a gay bar in Chelsea?
--Metro-North Riverdale station
History buff: Before taxis, there was no Upper West Side.
--12th & 1st
Lady: It's sort of an ugly day today in Williamsburg. Other days it's like ripe fruit hanging from the man tree...
--McCarren Park
Queer: This is Chelsea. There's cum on the floor everywhere!
--19th & 8th
Overheard by: Prem
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Omaha
Tourist: I don't like this train line. On the L line they have benches so that you can kneel down and pray... And they don't have crevices digging into your ass and shit.
--1 train
Tourist girl: Let's go to the Upper Wet Side.
--Palace Theatre, Broadway
Tourist: You haven't been raped and stabbed 'til you've been raped and stabbed in New York.
--Central Park
Dude with huge backpack, clutching a map: Sometimes you just don't want to see a huge ball of twine, y'know? It's, like, 200 miles away. [Guy next to him nods head vigorously.]
--Manhattan-bound L train
Middle-aged tourist on cell: No, we gotta go to Penn Central. Trust me, I know this place -- we gotta get to Penn Central.
--Penn Station
Wednesday One-Liners Will Fuck You Up, Son
Thug: I'm a super duper human being! I'm a super duper human being! I'm a super duper human being!
--Queens-bound F train
Overheard by: sunburned like a bitch
Teen Latino thug to friend: Yo, there be some mad hot wizards up in this bitch! Or should I say, 'wizard-ettes.'
--Harry Potter screening, Loews, 34th St
Thug: ... And he was there, with his cane and beard, lookin' all Gandalf and shit.
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: Catherine
Teen thug: She is extra violent! She got UV rays!
--W 4th St platform
Overheard by: Emily B.
Thugette leaning against mail truck: Yeah, I's the post bitch.
--Church St
Wednesday One-Liners Sink Their Teeth In
Secretary in stall, to another: I told her that in this position she has to wear her teeth in. You can't go around here with no teeth in your mouth.
--Office restroom, Midtown
Overheard by: Anonymous Law Firm Employee
Woman on cell: What? Turn your hearing aid up! Put your teeth in! I can't understand you!
--Prince & Broadway
Guy to girlfriend: Hey, babe, I gotta run to the interview. Can you check my teeth for hairs?
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Guy
Saucy Latina: She has the hair of every dental hygienist I've ever known.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: McFreaky
Girl on cell: What?! You haven't showered in a day? At what time? Pedro Miguel*, that is nasty! Your balls must be sweaty and stinky. Smell your underwear... Have you even wiped them with a baby wipe, at least? Have you at least brushed your teeth? You've brushed your teeth, but not showered? How is that not nasty?!
--Bx12 bus
Overheard by: SilentButDeadly
Hobo: Does anyone have an extra toothbrush or two dozen eggs to spare?
--Outside Gristede's, UES
Overheard by: no eggs to spare
Wednesday One-Liners Look Manly in Tights
Despondent hobo: Spider-Man is dead, mothafuckah.
--Thompson & Bleecker
Overheard by: Emily B.
Earnest white girl: So, I've been thinking about it, and here's what I'm picturing -- dat ho is lyin' flat on her stomach, and Superman is on top of her, but he has to maybe keep his arms out in front of him like he's in flyin' position... And it seems like maybe it would be easier to Superman a small person... I bet you could Superman a big girl. Yeah, definitely.
--H&M, Soho
Angry vendor in heavy accent, after police bust nearby: They just arrest him. They arrest everybody. They think they are Superman!
--Greene St, Soho
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Costumed guy: Two things you never do -- you never pull Superman's cape, and you never kick Spider-Man in the nuts! [To friend dressed as Spider-Man] You are wearing a cup, right?
--13th & University
Overheard by: theresa
Excuse Me, Can I Bum a Wednesday One-Liner?
Hipster girl on cell: Yeah, we're just gonna smoke some hookah and watch the freshmen. They're really entertaining.
--Columbia University
Hobo exiting trashcan and shooting smoking pedestrian a dirty look: That smells disgusting. Smoking is such a nasty habit! [Stalks off.]
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: firefry
Lady: ... And she's just the most adorable child! I mean, she has these angelic features and then the voice of a 40-year-old smoker.
--College Walk, Columbia University
Bimbette to friend: They were, like, giving me a bunch of shit since I'm pregnant and still smoking. I was like, 'It only causes low birth weight. What's the big deal?!'
--6 train
Overheard by: Drew
Conductor: A reminder, folks -- no smoking in the restrooms. You know who you are.
--Amtrak to Boston
Annie Oakley's Wednesday One-Liners
Young mom to daughter: Rock, paper, scissors means rock, paper, scissors -- no guns!
--R train, City Hall
Guy on cell: Where are you? It sounds noisy... Where? Oh, Magnolia... Well, just shoot them all before they breed more little cupcake-eating fuckers.
--44th & 8th
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Barker for "Shoot the Freak" carnival game, to biking couple: Hey! You with the bikes! You support alternative modes of transportation, but do you support shooting people in the freakin' head?! Step right up!
--Coney Island
Hipster on cell: You just hate me... No, 'Get shotgun for raccoon' was first on your errands list, and you ignored it!
--N train
Crazy substitute calculus professor: You cannot square infinity. Anyone who tries to square infinity will be shot. That's a promise.
--NYU Silver Center
Not That There's Anything Wrong with Wednesday One-Liners
Queer: So he showed up at the store in a t-shirt and towel and asked for Butt Paste!
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Rachel P
Queer: I will have no part in making babies!
--Brooklyn-bound A train
Queer to approaching fag hag: Hi! Oh my god, you really do look like a suicide victim!
--Blockheads, 50th & 8th
Overheard by: ashley
Teen queer to friends: Hey! Tell pickle-juice-titties to come on! We gettin' up out this faggot function.
--135th & St. Nicholas Ave
Overheard by: Just Another Harlemite
Queer: When I get bored around two in the morning I start throwing a rubber band ball at the wall. Then I take a cardboard box and use it to keep the ball from hitting me... It's a rush.
--185th & Bennett
Overheard by: LSB
Wednesday One-Liners Can Too Carry a Tune in a Bucket!
Drunk guy singing along to "If You Leave Me Now": Up your ass, up your ass!
--M2M, 11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Lillian
Over conductor's mic, to tune of Soulja Boy's "Crank Dat": Super suck my dick! Super suck my dick! Bitch!
--1 train, 96th St
Overheard by: Ruby
Bag lady, singing: If you're happy and you know it, show your butt cheeks!
--23rd & 2nd
Man, singing: How sweet it is to be loved by... your monkey, monkey, monkey.
--A train, 207th St station
Overheard by: Cat
Man getting into car, clapping hands over head and singing: Woo! They're gone! They're gone! They're gone for a-whiiile!
--JFK, Terminal 6 departures
Overheard by: wondering if it was his inlaws or his children
Wednesday Wee-Liners
Woman to little girl: You haven't hit puberty yet, so you're still a midget.
--Bloomingdale's
Overheard by: Emily B.
Little pig-tailed girl, pointing: Look, Daddy! It's the dwarf from the OTB!
--Court St
Overheard by: katattack
Man selling books, to lady with kid: Check out these baby carriages! There could be an Al-Qaeda midget or something in there... with a machine gun.
--80th & Broadway
Overheard by: Molly
Chick: You're right! My best friend is gay, and they're worse than midgets!
--55th & 3rd
Dubya's Wednesday One-Liners
Chick to friend about date: ... And I liked him, but I don't want to come on too strong. I need to be don-chalant.
--21st, near 6th Ave
Overheard by: Adam
Coworker on phone: Mom, it's Ducci and Gabanna... Ducci -- it's called Ducci and Gabanna!
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Bailey
Laughing woman: I'ma come back to you -- let you marinate for a while!
--Daffy's, Atlantic Ave
Overheard by: MKB
Angry suit on cell: This isn't the latch-ness monster we're talking about here.
--48th & Park
Overheard by: Sabrina
Woman on cell: They said I ain't speak English good!
--43rd & Lex
Overheard by: Mortuary Megan
Marketing chick on cell, about boss: He was so mean to me! I am not un-articulate!
--23rd St
Overheard by: Ruby
Wednesdays Should Be Seen and Not One-Linered
Kid in stroller, to dad trying on sport coat: You look like a principal!
--Zara, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Seven-year-old girl to doorman: I have diarrhea!
--Cornelia St
Two-year-old girl to woman with Froot Loops: You really shouldn't buy that cereal. It's bad for you.
--Duane Reade, UWS
Seven-year-old on cell: Emily, I've been trying to call you, like, three times! Are you still mad at me about... [looks around crowded bus and lowers his voice] ... you know...?
--Shuttle bus, Flushing
Little girl to mom: It's not that I want a pretzel -- I need a pretzel.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Meagan
Little boy shaking his hips: Tryin' make me go to rehab, I said no, no, no! [Later, to woman behind register] Do you have Rugrats Gone Wild?
--Blockbuster, 10th & Wanamaker Pl
Overheard by: Lily and Rebecca
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Hear a Word You're Saying
Mom to two-year-old bawling in stroller: Adriana, I am not going to argue with you -- you are not getting an iPod!
--14th St, between 5th & 6th Ave
Panhandler: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I'm homeless, and I'm hungry. If anyone can help me out with food, something to drink, a spare iPod, a Macy's gift card, or anything else that rhymes with that, I'd appreciate it. I know you're human. We have to help each other out. If you were slaves, I'd free all of you. Even the white people.
--Manhattan-bound A train
Overheard by: courtenay
Mother yelling at misbehaving 11-year-old son: Do you want to be grounded from your iPod this weekend?
--22nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Dave H.
Aerobics instructor: Yeah, I've got everything I need -- I've got an iPod, I've got a boyfriend...
--W 63rd & West End Ave
Overheard by: Suze V
Gay barista with asymmetrically-fashioned hair: Oh, yeah, I had really fancy ear bud headphones, too... But then I dropped them in a puddle of my own vomit on the subway, so now I have cheap ones. Yeah, that sucked.
--Bushwick Ave, East Williamsburg
Old woman pointing at guy's iPod: Excuse me, young man, but what is that?
--Times Square shuttle
Overheard by: goofopet
Wednesday One-Liners for Breakfast and Lunch and a Sensible Dinner
Skinny girl: Okay, just because I only eat every two days doesn't mean I'm anorexic.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: rina
Man: I mean, I don't see why people pay so much for weight loss surgery! They should just ask to be put in a coma for a few weeks. That will get rid of the weight.
--Central Park
Father, picking up four-year-old son: Can you say the word 'diet'? Diet. Di-et. Can you say that? Daddy thinks you need one.
--Museum of Natural History
Wednesday One-Liners, You Are Here
Girl on cell: Yeah, I'm in New York City... Yeah, it's on the East coast, but it's not really on the East coast. It's not, like, next to water or anything.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Beach Goer
Dude: My god. I mean, everyone knows Broadway and Fifth Avenue are the same thing, and the idiot says no.
--14th & 4th
Overheard by: girl in the red coat
High school boy: So let me ask you this -- how easy is it to cross over from Egypt to Mexico?
--3 train
Overheard by: Nick H
School trip escapee teen to pal: Now we can do whatever we want... We're in Times Square!
--Outside Penn Station, 7th Ave
Overheard by: Go back to Iowa
Tourist chick to friends: LaGuardia? How the fuck did we end up at the fucking airport?
--Houston, at LaGuardia
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Best Medicine
Smiling dad to giggling infant he's holding: Yeah, get yo' laugh on!
--49th & 10th
Overheard by: chris
Chick: ... And that's how I had a miscarriage. Oh! That reminds of a funny story!
--NYU
Young suit: Ray* would be a better salesman if he wasn't trying to be funny all the time. Like me -- I can turn it off at the right times. Like, just today I said to Lynn*, 'We should just take lunch for the rest of the day,' and she said, 'Just not come back, right?' So I said, 'You know me -- I actually like to work all day and all night long,'and she said that I was hilarious...
--2 train
Columbia chick: I broke up with a guy once for being too funny. He was giving me wrinkles from laughing so hard!
--116th & Broadway
Cop to others: You know what's really fucking funny? Everybody around here looks fucking suspicious.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Morgan
Wednesday One-Liners: The E! True Hollywood Story
Dude to another: You're not so bad yourself. You look like Kevin Nealon on a good day. A good day!
--22nd & Broadway
Overheard by: I wish
Man: Ahmadinejad is not a baller.
--114th, between Broadway & Amsterdam
Old Russian man to skate rat: Excuse me, what for are they talking about when they say, 'J. Lo is meat curtains'?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Billy Splatts!
Goth girl: So, I'm like Jon Benet Ramsey, parenthetically speaking.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: meliss
Woman: ... So then I rolled over, and it was Bill Murray on Rollerblades playing drums on my windowpane!
--Prince & Thompson
Overheard by: Emily
Wednesday One-Liners -- You Can Count Their Ribs!
Girl to friend: I mean, he has an eating tutor.
--Astoria
Overheard by: Joel
Rabbi: Fasting is completely useless.
--Yom Kippur service, Temple Beth El
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Girl on cell: No, I think her boobs are fake. There is no way you can be anorexic and have boobs like that. I know! They look so awful! Like balloons on a broomstick!
--Barnard College
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Chick to friend: You can lose weight just by digesting.
--Main St & Roosevelt Ave, Flushing, Queens
Overheard by: Rita
Big black lady, stuck in the stall: Oh, hell no! I ain't come in the bathroom for anorexic people!
--Stall #2, Ladies' room, Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th
Overheard by: Laughing in Stall #1
Wednesday One-Liners Open the Doors of Perception
Guy on cell: Just take some Vicodin and smoke some pot, and you'll be fine.
--Pratt Institute
Hipster: The last time we were shrooming, I Febreezed the shit out of you.
--5th & 2nd
Overheard by: Tim Houghton
Chick on cell: I don't know what you're saying, but I have a ton of weed, so it doesn't matter.
--9th & 5th
Overheard by: traPt
Old, crunchy hipster: I'm all set -- I've got my weed in this pocket, and my granola bar in this one!
--Zappa Plays Zappa, Beacon Theater
Seven-year-old boy: Mom, I'm allergic to heroin.
--Duane Reade, 145th St
Overheard by: I hope benadryl doesn't cure that allergy
Magnum Wednesday One-Liners
Dude: This sounds weird, but I've got enough condoms to fill up a piñata.
--Bike shop
Overheard by: Ken
Chick on cell: She had a condom stuck in her for four days!
--92nd & Columbus
Overheard by: Erin
20-ish male: Okay, who put a condom in my iced latte?
--Ozzie's Coffee House, Park Slope
Old guy on cell: No, honey, it's unsanitary to buy condoms on eBay.
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Sam
Fat lady tourist to friend: Hey, I should've brang those condoms with us to get rid of them.
--4 train
Wednesday Feliners
Frat boy: This time the cat wasn't bigger than my cock at all!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Last time it was, though.
Crazy dude: Cats tryin' to eat me out here... If you eat me, I'ma eat you, too! I ain't no snack!
--A train
Overheard by: Marlena Mc
20-ish suit: ... Found out my dad murdered my cat when I was kid... He told me it ran away, then he confessed last night at the party. What an asshole! But he got me a dog right after he killed the cat, so it didn't bother me so much.
--7th St
Chick: We threw my friend a wedding shower that was a luau. It was great -- grass skirts, the whole bit. Only 20 bucks a person -- really reasonable. We even got these sand terrarium things, which was awesome until my cat decided it would be a great place to drop a load.
--Hill Country BBQ, W 26th St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Suit on cell: There's more than one way to peel a cat.
--51st & Broadway
Don't Drink and Wednesday One-Liner
Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds look-alike: Well, you tell her that I will cut Miss Daisy before I drive her.
--51st & 8th
Overheard by: Nigel
Chick to guy: I'll give you 20 bucks and suck your dick the whole way if you give me a ride home.
--5th & 2nd
Woman to man: Well, if we're not going to drive anywhere, we might as well drink!
--Mulberry St
Overheard by: Hazel
Lady to friend: Yeah, he traded the Camry for a Tahoe, so now the sperm and eggs can all fit into one car.
--49th & 5th
Overheard by: seann r
Messenger with hand truck: Tell them there is no fucking truck -- I'm the truck!
--28th & 7th
Pick Up, Wednesday One-Liners -- I Know You're There, Dammit!
Drunk man on pay phone: What are you doing? ... You weren't waiting for me to call, motherfucker! You were not! You motherfucker...
--106th & 2nd
Seven-year-old girl on cell: I've been getting hundreds of calls today.
--95th & Broadway
Chick on cell: Oh, and happy birthday, to your face. Well, your phone-face.
--12th & 2nd
Angry lady on cell: You have a Sprint phone? You son of a bitch!
--11th & 3rd
JAP on cell: The iPhone makes you look fat? You're crazy... It really does?
--Duane Reade, 28th & Park
Wednesday One-Liners Know How to Read, but Not Why
Teen girl to mom: Here, this is what you need [points to Sex for Dummies book].
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Girl: I read all of the gossip magazines, but I should probably read the Wall Street Times.
--Chelsea Piers
Bimbette: Like, why would you stay home and read when there's so much other stuffs to do?
--89th & 3rd
Overheard by: Ben A
Chick: Do you have Dante's Inferno? I don't know the author...
--Strand Bookstore
Dude on cell: Yeah, I'm just buying a book 'cause I got bored. Then I'm going back to finish my Bloody Mary.
--Burgen & Flatbush
It's Funny 'til Somebody Breaks Their Wednesday One-Liner
Guy on slippery sidewalk: Man, I can't wait! I can't wait to see somebody bust their ass, yo.
--86th & Broadway
Conductor: To the passenger in the first car transporting a ladder, please make sure you have control of your ladder, and please don't knock anybody in the noggin. To all other passengers riding in the first car, please be prepared to duck.
--6 train
Guy on cell: I sliced my thumb with a box cutter, but they told me the only guy who could get workman's comp for that injury is Roger Ebert.
--4 train
Blonde teen: So, like, what does someone do if they break their leg or something on Christmas? Because the hospital's closed on Christmas...
--8th & Broadway
Blonde, tapping shoulder of kid on crutches crossing street: Tag, you're it!
--Astor Pl
Overheard by: Kyle
A Gluttonous Gaggle of Wednesday One-Liners
Hipster: I found a bag of potatoes the other night, and we were throwing them at razor wire.
--Filene's Basement
Chick: Everybody needs a pickle. He's like my pickle.
--31st & 36th, Astoria
Overheard by: Jill
Old baker guy to young baker guy: See -- the ones that are burned on the bottom -- you know they're done, so you take them out. If they're not burned, they aren't done yet, so you move them to the front of the oven.
--Fairway, 74th & Broadway
Old woman to friend: So then I told her, 'Fuck you and your lamb curry!'
--3rd & MacDougal
Lady to hubby: Is this sushi not cooked?
--JetBlue terminal, JFK
Lady: He was really upset about tonight. He was all 'Yogurt! Yogurt night is ruined!' Shook his fists and everything.
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: KCast
Wednesday One-Liners Get Lockjaw
Thug: I really gotta figure out a new way to ask for a blowjob.
--Soho
Overheard by: Emily McInerney
Guy to coworkers: So wait, a blowjob is exactly like sitting on a toilet?
--40th & 6th
Lady: Oy! Don't even get me started... Unless we're talking about gay men blowing each other, in which case, I have no problem with that.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Drunk girl to friend hooking up: Just suck his dick and let's go...
--Bar, Brooklyn
Chick on cell: Ah, bottle fellatio. I remember doing that in high school for a bunch of guys.
--Amtrak into Penn Station
Overheard by: Ladle
Teen after HIV workshop: Yo, don't have anal, bro. Get your penis licked!
--Banana Kelly High School, Bronx
Overheard by: nooners
Tramp-Stamped Wednesday One-Liners
Tattoo flyer guy: Tattoos... They hurt like hell!
--St. Mark's Pl
Thug: I spread her ass out and she had a 'W' tattooed on the inside of one cheek and a 'W' tattooed on the inside of the other!
--JMZ
Dude: Well, I've got a tattoo of Calvin peeing on my butthole.
--Bedford & N 7th
Overheard by: Dylan
Man on cell: Mother! You got a tattoo? You hoodlum!
--Dean & DeLuca
TA: Anyone who needs his last name tattooed on his side has to be a real fucktard.
--Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
A Matter of Life and Wednesday One-Liners
Asian chick: I guess upstate is just one big... thing. And the people up there are, like, robots. They have so many rules... And what are they for? I mean, they're to kill people... And I am anti-violence.
--NYU bus
Overheard by: Moose
Crazy lady to frustrated friends: All she needs to do is fucking die, okay?
--Woodside Station
Overheard by: Jesse
NYU student: Last time I did the Ouija board it told me I was going to die... Then it turned out to be right.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: only cats have nine lives
Conductor: The consequence of using a cell phone in the quiet car is... the death penalty.
--Amtrak to Boston
Five-year-old boy: But Dad, it was a dead gypsy!
--Washington & Rector
Middle-aged woman to younger woman, matter-of-fact: ... And it's not like you meant to kill her. You were just fooling around.
--E 12th St, between 5th Ave & University Pl
Overheard by: Liz A
There's No Wednesday One-Liners in Baseball!
Flustered waiter: What was I doing? What was I doing?! Oh, that's right -- crying about how my life turned out.
--Rachel's Restaurant
Mets fan: Yeah, man, my family is really competitive when it comes to sports, so last weekend we all went skiing. At the end of the day, it's really a family bonding experience, so it's good if we laugh at each other. If we make each other cry, that's even better!
--Shea Stadium
Drug dealer to crying girl: Don't cry. Buy some weed.
--Christopher St, between Bleecker & Hudson
Chubby girl, excitedly: Exactly two months ago at this time, I was crying in a bathroom!
--L platform, Lorimer.
Overheard by: einladle
Stoner: If by crying you mean 'ice cream and ecstasy,' then yeah.
--9th & 3rd
Overheard by: Ryan H
Wednesday One-Liners Want to Pet the Rabbits, George
Teacher, stopping abruptly in middle of lecture: Just for the record, I'm from Atlanta. Hence the accent. You were probably thinking I'm retarded or something... Nope... Just from the South.
--Wagner College, Staten Island
Overheard by: Tomato
NYU student on cell: Okay, um I don't want to offend you or anything, but you are so totally retarded!
--Stuyvesant St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Lezbotron
Big white dude on cell: ... And that's why we're obviously killing people -- because people are retarded.
--6th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: fast walker
Black guy: There are 52 states in the U.S., and not one of them has a retarded black person.
--61st & Amsterdam
Woman to gay friend: You're not retarded -- you're just creative.
--19th & 8th
Take a Lick of These Wednesday One-Liners
Student: It's true -- Gummi Bears are good for your liver. I heard it from a horse.
--Harry S.Truman High
Overheard by: Anya
Loud guy: She called me a chocolate matzah ball! Can you believe that shit? She called me a chocolate matzah ball!
--E train, Queens
Overheard by: Anya
Guy in heated debate: No, I told you -- everyone knows that Sour Skittles are much more aerodynamic than regular ones! God!
--Starbucks, Astor & Lafayette
Overheard by: Amy
Eight-year-old trick-or-treating cheerleader: Mom, listen to my new cheer: Trick or treat, smell my feet, gimme some fucking candy!
--110th & Broadway
Professor: I don't want to be chocolate.
--Bard High School Early College
Hobo, when lady gives him a lollipop: Ma'am, I am 52 years old. What's an old, homeless man going to do with a Tootsie Pop?
--34th St station
Wednesday, As in "One-Liners"
Station announcer: There is a Brooklyn-bound D-as-in-Double-U train approaching Broadway-Lafayette...
--Broadway-Lafayette platform
Man on cell: A is for fuckin' apple!
--23rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Zarek
Child punching smaller sibling: A! B! C! D! E! F! G!
--6th Ave, between 8th & 9th St
Lady conductor: This is the Q train. That's Q, as in 'quickie...' Which y'all better not be havin' on my train!
--Q train to 57th St
Receptionist on phone: Is that Z as in 'zebra,' or Z as in 'xylophone'?
--Doctor's office, Queens Blvd
Overheard by: Heavy D
To Wednesday, Perchance to One-Liner
Conductor: Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey!
--Penn Station
College girl: Oh, no-no-no-no. Do not even get me started on teacher-student fantasies, okay? I have dreamed about my senior year English teacher every night for months, okay? It's magical, yet haunting, yet I'm terrified but don't want it to stop. It's taken over my mind. So don't even try to compete with me on teacher-student fantasies. You will lose.
--Columbia University
Middle schooler: Sometimes, when I look at certain people, I feel so tired.
--School bus stop, 5th & 5th
Chick: I know, and I'm addicted to dreams, too!
--Broadway & Washington Pl
Overheard by: Janet
Conductor: We now return you to your regularly scheduled nap, already in progress.
--Metro-North, 125th St
There's a Law Against Wednesday One-Liners in Alabama
Woman playing with touchable exhibits, to friend: You know, we never used riding crops until our wedding night.
--Museum of Sex
Hot chick on cell: I just made a first date for tonight... Fifteen minutes later I remember the hickeys I have on my neck. [Long pause, then] That said, it's a date with a guy I met while I was wearing a collar, so maybe bite marks are, like, expected of me.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Chick on cell: How can I be a submissive if we're listening to the Eurythmics?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Ladle
Hot chick on cell: My only problem is randomly spanking strange women.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Drunk girl to drunk guy: So, after our conversation last night, I Googled 'circle jerk.' Is that something you guys do often?
--The Hairy Monk, 27th & 3rd
A Slutathon of Wednesday One-Liners
Teen girl on cell: So, I ended up giving him head in a closet at Allie's party. Am I a skank? Yes. Do I care? No.
--Starbucks
Chick on cell: I have casual, meaningless sex. It's what I do. It's like a cornerstone of my life... Yeah, so why is he calling me to tell me what he's buying at the grocery store? It's like, 'Call your fucking girlfriend for that.'
--E 93rd & 2nd
Overheard by: aunt petunia
Man on cell: ... Coming from a woman who's having an adulterous affair. Yes, I'm a total slut. I take no offense at that.
--Broadway, between Prince & Spring
Overheard by: Leslie G.
Saucy chick: I was hoping you had a juicy connection to him via a slutty friend at Oberlin.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Chick on cell: Of course I will be in your wedding party, as long as you don't call me 'maid.' I looked up the definition, and it means 'sexually inexperienced.' They don't call it 'man-whore of honor.'
--Bus stop, Flatbush & 7th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lala
Dude to chick: Having self respect is too hard. You should be a slut. At least for a little while.
--Chambers St
Overheard by: maria
Wednesday and Its One-Linericiousness
Black chick to friend: Are you sure you want to invite them? They aren't re-niggers, are they? You know, niggers that renege a lot?
--Dressing room, Roosevelt Field Mall
Overheard by: horrified in the next dressing room
Guy on cell: They fucked with me! I need to get into those classes, and now I won't graduate 'til... Neveruary!
--9th & 2nd
Bimbette on cell: But you can't lollygag! You can't even textygag!
--Metro-North
Professor: Hmmm... Blackboard is down... That could be problematical.
--Baruch College
Overheard by: I Am McLoVey
Young mom to squirming toddler: Why is you beastin'?
--Lexington Ave
This Crazy Little Thing Called Wednesday One-Liners
Lesbian hipster to girlfriend, smiling: I love that you get on my nerves now!
--St. Mark's & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Dan
Hoochie on cell: Look, I love you -- you're my best friend -- but if I don't hang up this phone, I'm going to tell you what I really think, and you'll be pissed.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: EthanK
WASP yuppie on cell: We were really proud of ourselves... And then we stayed in a loving place all day.
--N train platform, Astoria
Drunk guy: The thing I hate about Tom Cruise is how much I love Tom Cruise! [Contemplative pause, then] It really fucks me up, man.
--34th & 30th
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Buy Me Love
Nerdy kid to friend: Man, if I had more money, I'd totally be a goth.
--Bedford Ave station
Man on cell: The only acceptable excuse is that the plane went down, and when you emerged unscathed, the money was gone!
--Montague & Clinton, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Cait
Loud Jamaican lady on cell: Why you give my money to someone else? You transfer my money to someone else's account! No. No. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-no. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna come down to the bank. I'm gonna come down to the bank and tell them that's rude!
--7 train
Overheard by: Right after afternoon tea, but before busting a cap in someone's ass
Man at ATM, to girlfriend: Wow, I just realized I don't need money right now, but I like coming in here so I can feel rich.
--Commerce Bank, 95th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andrea Reese
Wednesday One-Liners Gotta Put Food on the Table
Conductor: Look, people, stop leaning against the doors. It only makes you late to work. I ain't gonna to be late for work -- I'm at work.
--2 train
Dude to buddies: Shit, yeah, first we get the job, then we get the cayenne, then we get the girls!
--Prince St
Overheard by: 3 musketeers
Lady suit: We can't bring in an asshole. We tried that last year and it didn't work.
--45th & Lex
Barista: Yo, I like my schedule -- work, sleep, sleep at work, go home and smoke some blunts, some weed, sleep... You can't do that shit on a temp schedule.
--Starbucks
Conductor: This is 47th Street, Rockefeller Center. Home of Top of the Rock, the Rainbow Room... and your job.
--Rockefeller Center
Wednesday One-Liners Are Only Foreskin Deep
Man to cop: I know my dick is big, but I didn't know it was illegal.
--Yankee Stadium bathroom
Overheard by: howie ray
Guy: My penis practically has a halo right now.
--N 10th & Bedford
Australian lady: Oh, look! It's the penis people again!
--Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Girl on cell: So, wait -- let me get this straight -- last night you dreamed that you were coming out of the shower, looked down, and saw my head instead of your dick? ... Well, was my head in the shape of a dick? ... Oh, then no, that's not weird.
--Sullivan St
Overheard by: someone needs new friends
Big black lady on cell: His penis was about as big as... Hmmm, let me see here... Probably that stop sign over there. Yeah, that looks about right.
--25th & 6th
WASP lady to friend: ... And then, I mean, you save the really expensive stuff for the penis.
--89th & Madison
Overheard by: Dani
You Look Like People Who Could Use Some Wednesday One-Liners
Paper guy: AM News! AM News! Low prices! Low-tech news!
--Greeley Square, 32nd St
Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon
Thug handing out flyers: You don't have to take one, it's okay, because at the end of the day I'll still be crisp.
--Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Alex Berkowitz
Umbrella vendor, after it starts raining: It's not too late... Save her hairdo!
--W. 47th St. & Broadway
Overheard by: Maggie
Flyer guy: Oh, man, I can't do this -- this job ain't for me. I can't take all the rejection!
--Clinton & Delancey
Guy selling umbrellas: I believe in all of you! I have umbrellas for you!
--33rd & 7th
Overheard by: smoon
Craptacular Wednesday One-Liners
Woman to friend: I'll poop on them! I'll poop all over anyone or anything -- that's not the problem. Just please don't cut my vagina!
--34th St
Overheard by: tori
High school kid: So, we're on the train and he pulls down and his pants and takes a shit right there on the seat! To top it off, he takes the shit and starts writing with it. He writes 'This train smells shitty' with the shit! [After kid leaves with posse, old lady bursts out laughing.]
--McDonald's, Ditmars
Overheard by: it was her!
Crackhead to no one, checking out lady passerby: Damn, look at that ass! I'd suck the shit outta that ass...
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: wasn't that nice
Man, pointing to woman's dog: You have to squeeze his innards to make sure he poops at the right time...
--15th & Union Square West
Overheard by: glad i'm not that dog....
Drunk girl to kneeling friend: I'm gonna shit on your face!
--10th & 3rd
Asian guy: Horse shit is awesome!
--The Met
Wednesday One-Liners Thought Pulling Out Would Work
Woman on cell: ... Then, when she found out my dog was pregnant, she stopped talking to me.
--77th & Broadway
22-year-old girl: I waited eight years before I got pregnant again, and I got in three fights while I was pregnant with him, but only two with this one. But one of those doesn't really count, because I punched that bitch in the face and she was out.
--R train
Guy on cell: Yeah? I wish my mother was smoking crack when she was pregnant with me!
--14th & 3rd
Overheard by: walking by
Guy on cell: You're pregnant? Who's the father? Steve?! That's why God invented abortions.
--NYU
Overheard by: Jeffrey Lebowski
Tween girl: ... And a bunch of pregnant people started slapping each other!
--84th & 5th
Overheard by: Olivia
Thug to girlfriend: Who you pregnant about? 'Cause it ain't mine!
--23rd St station
Wednesday One-Liners Publish or Perish
Professor: I'm gonna show you a little old insertion trick that my grandmother taught me. It works great.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: wba2101
Professor: Everyone is here except the person who is not here.
--City College
Overheard by: ClaRity
Latin professor: So, what Tibullus is trying to say is that old women have to be in the beauty parlor a lot! Beauty doesn't come as easily as when you're 18 and always looking great... Well, I suppose that's not exactly true. As I look around the room, I see that sometimes you girls could use some work in the mornings.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Professor: My wife has many male friends... I don't ask questions.
--NYU
Law professor: It's possible... Just like it's possible I'll get raptured at any minute.
--NYU Law School
Wednesday One-Liners Bump Uglies
Hipster girl: Yeah, but there's a big difference between having a social life and having a social life with someone you want to have sex with.
--Bedford Ave
Lady: So, do you even want to put that in me anymore?
--46th & Broadway
Overheard by: Luke
Black guy to posse: What?! I don't go to the ones where you can have sex with them!
--Chelsea
20-ish girl to friend: Dude, he, like, humps my leg on command!
--19th & Broadway
Overheard by: sweetchuck
White girl to friends: Just remember -- I made a sex tape so you don't have to!
--Bar 13
Hey, Sports Fans, It's Wednesday One-Liners!
Girl: When I lived in Miami is when I really got into ice hockey.
--8th & Mercer
Black guy to white friends: Yo, Mets got no 'rithmetic!
--63rd & Queens Blvd
Conductor over PA: Well, fuck me! Either we go bowling or we don't go bowling!
--R train, 5th Ave
Drunk girl: I'd rather change my vagina into a penis than be a Devils fan!
--Ranger Game, MSG
Conductor: Welcome to New York's Penn Station. This will be the last stop. Today has been declared 'Be Nice to a Met Day.' If you see anyone in a Mets jersey or t-shirt, be nice to them. They've had a rough couple of weeks.
--NJ Transit
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Discharge, but Not from the Army
Girl: I gotta wake up at eight AM for this class, and I ain't even curin' AIDS or anythin'!
--Columbia University
Teen buying travel-size toothpaste, toothbrush, and mouthwash: Do you have a bathroom?! Can I use your bathroom?! I just made out with a guy who has herpes -- you have to let me use the goddamn bathroom!
--Duane Reade, Amsterdam
JAP on cell: Well, was it a lot of herpes?
--24th & 6th
Overheard by: Austin
Chick: It was alright... He did me in the butt. Wait... Can you get STDs from doing it in the butt? [Friend laughs.] What's funny? I'm serious!
--Manhattan-bound L train
Suit on cell: He wants a birthday present, too? I already gave him chlamydia this week! Who does he think I am, fucking Santa?!
--Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: JoshOnTheBus
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Just a Phase, Dad
Amazed guy: So, I totally thought I was gay 'til I fucked her!
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Wex
Hot Indian girl with friend: I should host a gay reading hour where I regale the gays with stories of my encounters with B-list celebrities. They can all sit on a carpet at my feet.
--S'Nice, off 8th Ave
Overheard by: Robert
Suit: I had to move to Westchester -- my wife would've found out I was gay if we stayed in the city.
--38th & 5th
Biotech: Protesting is gay.
--Manhattan College
Overheard by: Marco M.
Teen hipster, vehemently: I swear, I was talking about this with my mom. I really want to be a gay man!
--Hammerstein Ballroom
Pretty mom on cell, pushing stroller: She's gay... Well, mostly gay. She'll fuck a guy in a pinch.
--7th Ave & Union, Park Slope
Wednesday One-Liners Played Grand Theft Auto in Drivers' Ed
EMT assisting guy covered in blood: We're going to take you to Wyckoff Hospital. It's-- oh, man! You have a Wii!
--Bushwick
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor
Mom to son playing video game poorly: No! You gotta get out the way! Don't let them things get ya! Them sharks is trying to get ya! [Sighs.]
--125th St station
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Man to friend: Okay, so we'll go play some video games and then go watch some naked women.
--Times Square
Little boy cheering on friend playing game: Yay, you get to kill people!
--GameStop, South St Seaport
Overheard by: Robert
Wednesday Two-Timers
Guy to buddy: It's not cheating if it's underground.
--Prince & Elizabeth
Overheard by: emilia
Man on cell: Yes, darling... I miss you, too... Can't wait to wrap myself around you again... You are so hot... Oooh, yeah, you make me crazy... Hold on a sec, I've got a call coming in [looks at phone]... Shit! It's my wife. Lemme call ya right back.
--JetBlue terminal, JFK
Overheard by: Big Larry
Crazy guy to train: Does anyone know how I can convince my wife that I won't cheat on her?
--F train
Overheard by: tko
20-something on cell: I genuinely think we'd be a good match, except for the whole being married and cheating on his wife thing.
--49th & Rockefeller Plaza
Hispanic girl: You should send him a card that says, 'Congratulations on marrying the girl you cheated on and dumped for me and then got back together when I dumped yo' cheatin' ass for someone way better.'
--6 train
Uh-Oh, Wednesday One-Liners Are Staining
Queer to friend: Tomorrow is flow day! That's when you have to wear a pad and a tampon!
--W 3rd, between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: good golly
20-something girl: They didn't have tampons, so I got Smirnoff Ice.
--Lincoln Place & Bedford Ave
Overheard by: That's gotta hurt
Hot chick on cell: I'm off! Wish me and my menstrual cup luck!
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Woman: That would be a really awful super-power to have ?- the ability to make a woman menstruate whenever you fuck her.
--Stuyvesant Town
Overheard by: Argopelter
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Believe the Filth and the Prices
NY-er, as visitor friend hesitates at crosswalk: It is so touristy to be afraid of getting hit by cars.
--34th & Broadway
Father to young son: The species tourist vulgaris is identified by the fanny pack and the new white sneakers.
--45th & Broadway
Overheard by: poomer
Woman with southern twang: The only good thing about living in this shithole is at least no one thinks I'm a tourist anymore.
--Woodhaven & Jamaica
Chick seeing group of Japanese tourists with cameras and "I <3 NY" shirts: Stereotype!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: lezbotron
Wednesday One-Liners Give Those Quirky Conductors a Run for Their Money
Bus driver: Next stop, McDonald's! You know the song! Old MacDonald had a farm, and on the farm he had a metro card...
--B61 bus, Manhattan Ave, Greenpoint
Overheard by: miss mess
Bus driver: This bus will be making stops in Carlstadt, Moonachie, Little Ferry, Teterboro, Lodi, Garfield, Elmwood Park, and finally, thank God, in Paterson. Take all your belongings with you when you get off the bus, and remember, it is only a bus ride. You can do it.
--42nd & 8th
Bus driver: Okay, people, there are a few foreign words to make people move. They are 'Excuse me, please' -- let's all try saying that. Then, when they do move, say, 'Thank you.' Give it a try today... Welcome aboard the Q88 bus on this lovely Wednesday morning. I hope all the kids on this bus did their homework, or made up homework this weekend. Remember, get good grades -- A's on your report cards -- and pass the Regents and you will have a very good life. If you don't want to hear this conversation again tomorrow, catch a different bus on your way to school or work.
--Q88 bus
Overheard by: Jenn
Bus driver: Tired of the same old bus stop? Try Madison Avenue -- it's up next!
--M79 bus
Overheard by: Yorkie
The Breastesses of Wednesday One-Liners
Puerto Rican mom to son eating sour candies: You best not be gettin' that sugar all over my titties, nigga!
--4 train to Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Carly
Hipster girl: So, he asked if he could touch my boob, but I told him I already had someone.
--Studio B
Overheard by: Trosster
Man: You fucking impostor! Impostor! Men have chests, not titties, bitch!
--Lincoln Place, Prospect Heights, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Audrey
Woman: Okay, should we start a Facebook group for people with great cleavage? Or is that déclassé?
--Bedford & 7th, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Ladle
French woman to friend: You can't have breasts in New York.
--Elevator, Magazine publishing company
Wednesday One-Liners: For All Your 2000 Parts
Middle-aged man: If I wanted to gouge his eyes out, I'd have his eyes in my pocket right now.
--11th & 5th
Overheard by: Max
Fat teen: I don't know about you, but my clit is real low... Like, down near my ass.
--110th & Central Park West
Overheard by: Kong
Guy on cell: What fell out yo' foot? What do you mean, the bone fell out yo' foot! Put it back in!
--Penn Station
Woman preaching to two friends: I can't believe he couldn't find the ovary. I mean, if you've seen an ovary once, you know how to find it again. It's not hard.
--F train
Overheard by: commuter
Woman on cell: I'm sorry, baby, what part of your body are you talking about? ... Oh, God.
--A train
Want a Date, Wednesday One-Liners?
Hipster student: Yeah, man, we took Chinese already, but they're making us start again in elementary 'cause we can't write. All we know how to say is curse words and how to pick up hookers.
--Midtown Direct NJ Transit
Guy on cell: ... Virtual strumpet.
--E 34th St
Overheard by: Krisztina
Young woman on cell: My apartment is not a brothel... My apartment is not a brothel.
--Tompkins Square Park
Suit to wife: Oh, wait, they're not prostitutes, they're just Italian.
--Per Se Restaurant, Columbus Circle
Hobo in skirt: Ladies, ladies! Sex for sale! Sex for sale! Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!
--2nd Ave, between 8th & 9th St
Overheard by: Skyler Fox
Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Formatted to Fit Your Screen
Southern tourist: By the way, if you're ever watching Law and Order, this is where everyone gets murdered and gets raped.
--Central Park South
Overheard by: Adam Schiff
Man lunching with buddy: No, I'm not a monk. That was just TV.
--18th & 5th
Crazy guy, through ventilator: Sonoco... Cablevision... Sonoco... Cablevision... Sonoco... Cablevision...
--West End Ave
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Trader on cell: Well, she's certainly not MTV yet -- not VH1. She's more like 60 Minutes.
--Trading floor, NY Stock Exchange
Overheard by: Trader Joey
Hot girl to boyfriend: See, I don't think ass sex is necessarily something I want to do whilst watching X-Files...
--Pietrasanta Restaurant, Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: Ta-da!
Enthusiastic hobo: What time is Desperate Housewives on?!
--Astor Pl
Man, after changing his shoes in a lively manner: What, you never saw Mr. Rogers?
--Jamaica-bound E train
Overheard by: He Was Quite Handsome.....
The First Rule of Wednesday One-Liners Is "Don't Talk about Wednesday One-Liners"
Suit on cell: I don't understand -- you're a grown woman. Why did you start kicking him, and why are you still kicking him if he didn't kick back?
--City Hall
Overheard by: Jenny
Ghetto girl on cell: ... And I still have to punch her in the face for telling him I have TB.
--Bryant Park
Drunk mailman on cell: Oh, yeah, you really should come and hang out! I'm gonna kick someone's ass tonight!
--13th & 3rd
Overheard by: rachel
Chick: Yeah, well, at least I don't have to go to anger management classes, Mom!
--Central Park
Ghetto chick: Okay, I'll see you later. Be safe, get home safe, and if you see Simone, smack her in the mouth for me.
--LIRR
Ghetto girl to white friend: You better not say, 'Two paths diverged in a wood,' or I'm gonna beat yo' ass.
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Wednesday More-Than-One-Liners
Girl to friends: Yeah, I heard she had a threesome and then kicked him in the face.
--Taste of China
Hot blonde: We've shared way too much of too many men.
--140th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Italian guy on cell: Okay, if twins have a threesome, is it incest or masturbation? Well, I think they should cancel each other out, so that makes it okay, right? So should I ask her, then?
--96th & 3rd
Overheard by: Haggs
20-ish guy: Just think of that: two niggas and three bitches. That's a ménage and a half, son.
--A train
Chick on cell: Awww, we missed the gang bang! ... I had a bagel for dinner.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: McNasty
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Wait for Casual Friday
Suit to table of coworkers: ... And I still shit on the floor!
--Lombardi's, Spring St
Overheard by: bdangadang
Suit on cell: No, I'm just saying that you are being very unresponsive... Unresponsive! Do you know what unresponsive means? ... Hello?
--Grand Central
Overheard by: amanda
Suit answering cell: Hi. Yeah, I'm just being screwed in Penn Station...
--Penn Station
Overheard by: walty
Suit on cell: Wait, he really locked himself in the car? Shit, he's seriously going to blow his brains out... I know, call Denise. We're fucked.
--55th & 6th
Overheard by: CK
Suit on cell: So, apparently they think that I think I'm, like, Britney Spears or something...
--42nd & Park
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't in New York -- That's for Sure
20-ish woman on cell: I know it's illegal in most states, but I thought it would be okay in Arizona...
--Central Park
Overheard by: aaron milner
Teacher: You guys might notice that I have some issues with Louisiana. I mean, it's a great place and all, as long as you don't get mugged or walk into a drug deal. I did that and then they followed me into a Rite Aid, and I was like, 'Fuck, I'm gonna get stabbed on my last day here.'
--Bronx Science
Overheard by: LSB
Hot girl on cell: She moved to Oklahoma? People don't go to Oklahoma -- people are from Oklahoma!
--72nd & Columbus
Overheard by: from Texas
Hipster: Her parents are the only democrats in Colorado.
--E 86th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave
Woman on cell: Girl. what state you said you in? North Carolina?! That's a big-ass fuckin' state! ... Shit, North Carolina is a big fuckin' state -- they got mad people... North Carolina is fuckin' big... You need to get the fuck out of there.
--J train
Preppy girl on cell: Yeah, but he's from, like, gross Connecticut.
--49th & 6th
Overheard by: Scarfish
Conductor: We're on the looong Alabama road. I'm glad you're all aboard.
--Manhattan-bound Q train
These Wednesday One-Liners Are Brought to You by Birkenstock
Guy to buddy: Dude, we are actually a lesbian couple.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Sofa
Loud woman on cell: Did you know that Devahndra had a baby? Yeah, a girl. What happened to being a lesbian? Yeah, I guess that one went kinda short.
--Bx16 bus
Overheard by: Lillian
LI man: ... And then the lesbians -- they surrounded me.
--LIRR, Jamaica
Overheard by: wish they had been surrounding ME
Hipster: She thought she was a lesbian, but she was a midget.
--L train
Suit to female companion: Even lesbians have to eat!
--34th St
Overheard by: oh, is that why i'm so hungry?
If You Can't Afford a Wednesday One-Liner, One Will Be Appointed to You
Disillusioned hipster: Jesus Christ, I just don't have fun at shows like this anymore. I can't wait to become a corporate attorney.
--LCD Soundsystem show, Studio B, Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Overheard by: deke shearon
Lady suit: So, they made a bong out of a Super Soaker and some bottles. It was all fancy -- it had a mask and everything. But they do grow up. He's a clerk for a judge now.
--29th & Lex
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Old man lawyer: I'm not going to give myself away to some slutty little mortgage company!
--Law firm, Midtown
Smoking hoochie on cell: So I said, 'Fuck him. Let him get a public defender. We have things to do this weekend!'
--53rd & 5th
Wednesday One-Liners Get Blood All Over Their Clown Suits
Biotech, indignantly: I didn't have sex when I was 13! I waited 'til I was 14.
--Doma Cafe & Gallery, Perry St
Overheard by: Kate
Hairstylist, joking with customer in chair: Yeah, I mean, prepubescent and androgynous was so last season. [Thinks for a moment, then] Actually, it really was.
--Soho
Overheard by: Sooo not last year
Hot chick shouting across intersection to friend: ... And stop sleeping with underage boys!
--55th & Madison
Young father to twin toddler sons: That pigeon might be a pedophile.
--Outside Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: kritta
Wednesday One-Liners Are from Kentucky
Guy to friend: Nah, man, I can't tomorrow -- I gotta go to Victoria's Secret with my niece.
--1 train
Overheard by: Your Mom
Man: ... And so I says, 'I don't care if you're my sister, you're having the baby.'
--54 W 21st St
Overheard by: NickI
Chick: I think if you're considering dating your cousin, which one you pick is the least of your problems.
--8th & Broadway
Girl on cell: It kinda sucks that you have a crush on your brother.
--Fordham University plaza
Overheard by: It's not incest if he wants it... oh wait...
Chick to friend: I don't care how horny you are, you never fuck your brother!
--56th St
Overheard by: Kerri Anne
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Even Fold Their Maps Properly
Girl: We should spend less money on the war in Iraq and use it to help countries like Africa.
--Principles of Economics lecture, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ed
Receptionist: I?m sorry, Mr. Jones* is out of the country... He went to Florida.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Effy
Vendor: Welcome to Coney Island!
--Union Square
Irish tourists: Which direction is the lake?
--West Broadway & Canal St
Overheard by: Confused
Woman: Yeah, it's the five bureaus: Manhattan, Harlem, Brooklyn, the Bronx, and Staten Island.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: Amused
Wednesday One-Liners Run This City
Conductor: Attention! You've boarded the ghetto express. Next stop, Deep Ghetto. If you're trying to go to any of the Ghetto Light areas, please transfer at this stop for the Ghetto Local. Thank you!
--5 train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Silvy
Conductor: This is Fifth Avenue. Transfer here for... Aw, hell, there ain't no transfer here. Get in the damn train.
--E train from JFK, around 5th Ave
Overheard by: ntrprnr
Conductor: Okay everyone, we're going to evacuate the train now. Just stay calm. This isn't the Titanic. I repeat, this is not the Titanic.
--Acela, to NYC
Overheard by: The Titanic was on-time
Conductor: Board the train so the doors can close. [Girls slowly shuffle around doors.] You must physically board the train to ride. The platform does not move.
--LIRR
Overheard by: NCtransplantGirl
Conductor, very politely: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand clear of the closing doors so this train can leave the station. Thank you. [Later, not as politely] Sir, maybe the fact that you have to hold on to the outside of the car to stay inside is a sign that you should wait for the next train!
--Crowded Bronx-bound 6 train
Overheard by: Chris
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I don't really care if we pull up to the station and your car door doesn't open. If you don't listen, I don't really care. Not my problem anymore, folks! I said it once and I ain't saying it again!
--LIRR, Jamaica station
Overheard by: commuter
Conductor: Y'all, these suckahs gon' be on this train for hours!
--1 train
George Orwell's Wednesday-One-Liner Farm
Girl to friend: So I got my horse, things got a little escalated... He got his horse...
--The Cloisters
Overheard by: ninja z
Small child on bike: Suck my butt monkey!
--Central Park
Metrosexual on cell: I can only hope the animal noises are promising for my night.
--Stuyvesant Town
Overheard by: Argopelter
African man to African woman: I told you when you came to this country that you can't touch old people, you can't touch children, and you can't touch animals.
--Central Park, near W 63rd St entrance
Overheard by: birdw0rks
Woman to another: He would go one way and the armadillo would go the other way...
--42nd St, outside Bryant Park
Overheard by: MPW
Sad girl to friend: I'd feel better if I just had lemurs to talk to.
--Washington Square Park
The Wednesday One-Liner Whisperer
Crazy guy to squirrel: Hey, Lamar! Get back here! You can't stay out here, you gonna get hurt!
--Union Square
Overheard by: sweetchuck
Woman to barking dog: Shhh, this is a library!
--Outside Seward Park Library, Chinatown
Horse-drawn carriage-driving hobo, to horse: You faggot child of the Kennedys!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Cracker Chick
Guy to dog: No boyfriends today! You can have boyfriends tomorrow.
--Steinway St, Astoria
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
The Little Wednesday One-Liners That Could
Lady suit: Every time I get on the subway there's always some freak of nature sitting there. I wish they'd do something about that!
--34th & 7th
Dorky teen boy: This is the subway station?! Wow!
--2nd floor, Port Authority
Overheard by: JoBell
Lady suit: If you smoke enough pot, the B Train becomes the Hogwarts Express!
--DeKalb station
Overheard by: jaded
Blonde: I've only ever taken the shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square. I've never gone East on it. I don't know how.
--1 train
Overheard by: minerfa
Dad to young son as doors close: Come on, come on, come on! [He holds the closing doors, and they make it inside.] Um, don't ever do that.
--F train
Overheard by: dianora
Wednesday One-Liners Owned the "Math Is Hard" Barbie
Teacher: You had six, one of them quit, you now have four... Wait!
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Liz
Woman to friends: It's true! Crack babies just aren't very good at math.
--W Houston St.
Overheard by: Emily T.
Disgruntled woman on cell: We are not splitting this in half -- I want 70-40!
--Broadway & Exchange
Enthusiastic conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the last car is not the only car on this train. If you spread out, you get on the train faster, we get moving faster, and you won't be able to complain that MTA trains never run on time. It's simple mathematics, ladies and gentlemen. Get up on it.
--A train
Overheard by: mildly entertained
An Exhibition of Wednesday One-Liners
Woman standing in front of a painting by Jackson Pollock: ... And he just took the paint and schmootchka'd it all around, and people went, 'Oooh!'
--The Met
Hippie girl about public art: So... Do, like... all countries have statues?
--New School
Overheard by: old school
Art student: I could never date someone who doesn't understand expressionism. I would rather die.
--12th & Ave B
Bimbette looking at gigantic marble head: Do you think the men were really this big, or the artist just made it look like that?
--The Met
Overheard by: Jingles
Guy, about his art: I could use a tarp. I like the thingness of the tarp, but I don't want to overdo it.
--G train
Overheard by: sweetchuck
Woman on cell, joyfully: You're my new craft project!
--102nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Cisi
Wednesday One-Liners for Sale!
Teen girl to young boy: You can't sell Fruit Roll-Ups and wear a Raiders hat at the same time.
--Taco Bell, W14th St
Overheard by: Heather Baharestani
Woman on cell: Just sell it for drug money!
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: Edyna
Corner boy: From now on I'm only gonna sell weed in the mornings. In the afternoons I'm gonna buy it for myself.
--142nd & Amsterdam
Dad orbited by three energetic young boys, to nobody in particular: Kids for sale... Kids for sale...
--53rd & 2nd
Guy to girl waiting in car: ... And don't talk to any strange men selling jeans!
--7th & 2nd
Overheard by: Rosangela
Wednesday One-Liners Think You Haven't Heard the One about the United Negro Pizza Fund
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make: Mayor Bloomberg is a pol pot, I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior, and I am trying to get some money for a snack wrap. Your kindness is appreciated.
--4 train
Overheard by: Scotty H.
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have walked many, many miles, and I have sucked many, many dicks, but I... [doors close].
--E train, W 4th
Hobo rattling coin can as WASP lady passes: Mrs. Rockefeller, pay yo' bills!
--79th & Lex
Overheard by: Clook
Hobo to another: So, I hear you're an international spy now.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: tj
Wheelbo: Can somebody give me some money so I can buy a Rolex? Please hurry. I want to know what time it is.
--80th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Miss Their Trans Fats
Mom to kids: What do you want for dinner? Burger King or Dunkin' Donuts?
--42nd St & Queens Blvd
Overheard by: court
Lady to friend: Did you want to go here or Kentucky Fried Chicken? Yeah, lets go to KFC. The chicken here looks like it was soaked in grease. I want fried chicken.
--Yips, 18 Beaver St
Subway performer: Can you guys help me out? I take pennies, I take hundreds, I take business cards... Hell, I take white people's shoes and socks! [To random passenger] Awww, shit, girl -- I take phone numbers, too! ... You like White Castle? Daaamn.
--Downtown 4/5 Train
Overheard by: Bemused Spectator
Girly man: So I'm like, 'I'm at Tace Bell, and I don't know if I should order the quesadilla or a taco,' and she's like, 'Is this an emergency?' and I'm like, 'No, but I paid for this service...'
--Bank of America
Sex ad space salesman to client on phone: Yeah the [Village] Voice is the McDonald's of sex ads.
--Classified office, New York Observer
Overheard by: Seanzi
Wednesday One-Liners Got Mad Relationship Skills
Man on cell: If the girl does not say no, or does not back away, or does not seem to be pulling away... then that means she really likes you.
--Union Square
Dude: I'm needy and you do stuff for me. That's how our relationship works.
--2nd Ave. & St. Mark's Place
Girl on cell: Yeah, yeah, she's definitely your type. She's definitely your type... Yup, she's bow-legged and pigeon-toed...
--16th & 6th
Boyfriend: Listen, you're dissatisfied with me, and I'm dissatisfied with me. We have something in common! I think this relationship can work.
--32nd & 6th
Girlfriend: I wish you were asexual, except when it comes to me. That way you would only want to have sex with me. [Boyfriend stares.] Actually, I don't wish that. I wish you'd like girls, but you'd find me so attractive that every time you'd even look at another girl, you'd find her ugly compared to me.
--36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Eryn
NYU freshman girl: I have a boyfriend -- I don't need a social life.
--Starbucks
Wednesday One-Liners Pass on Their Wisdom
Old man to two-year old: Man, talking to you is like fucking talking to a brick wall.
--F train
Overheard by: trieze
Old man in power wheelchair: Move, motherfuckers, unless you want some rubber up yo' ass.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Deniz G
Old guy: In the Boy Scouts they tell you to pray and... put your testicles on ice.
--W 58th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Jon A.
Old lady: You turn around and say 'Excuse me' or I'll punch your fucking face in!
--42nd St and 5th Ave
Old man: ... And all these bikes keep running red lights. I just wish I had a big stick -- I would shove it through their spokes!
--2nd Ave station
Old bitter woman to husband: I don't understand sex.
--72nd & 2nd
Overheard by: imsorry
Wednesday One-Liners Will Use a Condom Next Time
Father to three-year-old son: The ruler of the universe says to stop chattering.
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Scolding mother to little son as she yanks him along: You tryin' to be hip? You tryin' to be a hipster? Is that how they do it?
--Prospect Park
Mom to infant who keeps dropping his toy: Okay, let's try this -- how 'bout I throw you on the ground?!
--13th & 5th
Mother to chatty child: Don't you have your pacifier? So pacify!
--Kingsborough Community College, Brooklyn
Child-free woman to stranger's crying baby: Oh, wait, things get much worse.
--Throggs Neck, Bronx
Overheard by: Jeri
Wednesday One-Liners Are Enough to Gag a Maggot
Nurse to hobo next to her: Aw, hell no! You fucking stink! [She pulls out a can of air freshener and hoses him down.]
--A train
Asian kid to another: It's hard and watery, and if my pockets reek of ass, I'ma kill you!
--D train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: sitting behind them
Little boy: Now I know why it smells like urine everywhere!
--Central Park
Man: It smells like an STD in here.
--E train
Irish lad: A man's baseball cap should always stink a wee bit.
--U-Haul rental place, Broadway
Overheard by: Kerry