Drunk guy: You see, girls are the most irrational species...except for alligators, 'cause they're wicked irrational.

--46th & 8th


Guy: Yeah, so then he says to me, "What if I was a Tyrannosaurus rex and you were a Pterodactyl? Could we still be friends?" And then I was like, "Well, they are both meat-eaters, right?"

--Red Hook


Hipster girl: A pigeon hits me square in the face one time, and I'm the freak?

--26th & Park


Guy: Penguins are amazing. When they're fucking, it's almost beautiful.

--FedEx Kinko's, Central Park South


Woman: Oh my god. I wish this was ancient Rome so I could marry a horse.

--Belmont Park

Overheard by: mcarra


Girl: ...and I was like, "Oh my god, he looks like Sasquatch!"

--Water & Fulton


Crazy woman: Monkey, monkey; I'm a man, a man! Monkey, monkey, monkey;
You wanna talk to a man? You're on the monkey train.

--Q train


Carribean woman: Boy! Dat girl doan want you! You tink she gwan give it up right here on de train? Move out de way! Ya make yerself diss-gustin, sniffin' round like a dog!

--2 train


Overheard by: Manhattman


Guy: I'm not talking about sheep and I'm not talking about wolves. We're talking about the Pope playing bocce ball with Hitler.

--92nd Street Y


Overheard by: Max Rosenberg

Man on phone: Who are you talking about, the kids?...Where were they?...Whip their asses and put them to bed. Period.

--Office, Madison & 47th


Woman on cell: He's 19 and has 3 kids. One kid is 3 months and the other is 4 months.

--14th between 1st & 2nd


Overheard by: Johnny Twisto


Little boy: Mom, do you want to sit down?...Because you could ask that girl next to me to get up. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you said please.

--A train


Overheard by: Nettle Barnes


Father lecturing his 7 or 8 year old son: "You don't share your peepee with anyone"

--Central Park


Woman: Say good-bye to Grandma, sweetie. Wave bye bye! Bye bye, Grandma! Goodbye, Grandma! Bye...Mom, will you just get going already?

--73rd & CPW


Guy on cell: Ha, ha. All I can think about is when you ate all those M&Ms and puked all over yourself. And now you're in charge of someone's life.

--52nd & 6th


Overheard by: randy


Mother: So finally I scream at her, "Just shut the fuck up!" Which doesn't help at all, because then everybody's staring at me like I'm not a good mother.

--2/3 train


Overheard by: Nick Cavnar


Guy: I got the baby bloodied, so I couldn't return it.

--Barramundi, Clinton Street


Man on pay phone: Hello! This is Roland!...Your son!!!

--17th & 6th


Overheard by: Becka Dash


Mom: Boy, you got dem devil's eyebrows. Look, devil's eyebrows...they all arched and evil and shit! Just like Saddam Hussein.

--6 train


Dad: What do we do with the birdies? Bang bang! That's for dinner, right?

--Bronx Zoo


Overheard by: Andy Zell


Little girl: That roller coaster was only okay.

--Borough Hall 2/3 station


Nurse lady: This is what really let me know that my mother had started her decline: She used to have a dog that would just come up and lick you, which is a habit I wanted to break him of. So the next time he tried to lick me I grabbed his snout and held it shut. Well he yelped and I explained to my mother that I didn't want that dog just licking everyone that passed him, and she replied, "Well, how would you like it if I told you all the things I don't like about you?"

--Rockefeller University Hospital, York Avenue


Overheard by: Molly the Mole

Chick: Oh yeah, we can always assume whenever anyone's in a bad mood, that they're bloated.

--Office, 42nd & Lex


Chick on cell: Mom! I know you're upset, but I couldn't go to church with you because I was still drunk.

--Bowery & Stanton


Sommelier guy: She's really hot...but she ordered a burgundy.

--Tribeca Grill, Greenwich Street


Overheard by: djlindee


White man: Guys, we went way too hard way too early.

--73rd & CPW


Overheard by: Matt Grossman


Drunk guy: You guys, I want to puke tonight.

--14th & A


Girl: I think I have beer goggles. But no, they're actually margarita goggles...'cause everyone looks Hispanic.

--El Sombrero, Stanton Street


Girl: What did we do on Sunday afternoons before we moved to New York and started drinking?

--1 train


Girl: It's time for me to put on my drunk make-up.

--Quo ladies' room, West 28th Street


Overheard by: Antanvon


Construction guy on cell: Yeah SoHo, you know?...I think they call it that because it's south of Houston. You wanna come down here and have some drinks with some models or what?

--6th & Spring


Hobo: Hey buddy! I'm just trying to clean my ears...with cognac!

--76th & Broadway


Overheard by: Lauren

Teen girl: He needs to take his Native American ass back where he came from.

--21st & 6th


Overheard by: Tiffany Widman


Girl: Can you teach me how to speak Jewish?

--Times Square


Girl: I didn't know Van Gogh was such a big deal.

--The Met


Tween girl: Ohmigod, all of these drawings and paper on the wall; this is such a fire hazard.

--The Met


Guy: Damn, I don't know if I be hot or cold. This shit is confusing.

--4 train


Teen girl: I'm reading this book called Ordinary People. It's about this guy who's in recovery for committing suicide.

--7 train


Overheard by: Gina Costanza


Conde Nast guy: I've got a 3-D Tic Tac Toe board and it's changing every minute. Wrap your head around that!

--Barramundi, Clinton Street


Chick: I was standing in one of my guy friend's rooms, and I was holding his deodorant, and I was like, "I wonder what this tastes like." And before any of them could tell me not to, I licked it...And then the molecules, of course, reacted with my tongue. And it burned.

--Zen, St. Marks


Chick: See you guys on the flipside...of...something.

--Pace University


Cop: So he's saying, "I was fearing for my safety!" I said, "You're a fucking cop, stupid!"

--5th Avenue/53rd Street station


Overheard by: Elliott Beard


Guy: Sagittarius is the best sign of the Zodiac, 'cause we's the only ones who both man and beast. I'm half man, half beast, I got the bottom half of a beast so I can run real fast, and the mind of a man, so I smart, you see?

--1 train


Overheard by: Maggie


Girl: Why do terrorists bomb hotels and stuff? Aren't these boots cute?

--7th between 1st and A


Overheard by: Ty!


College guy: Do UN peacekeepers use mines in peacekeeping operations?

--The UN


Woman on cell: Registered? Are you kidding? You have to register to be a sex offender?

--Manhattan Mall

Girl on cell: Y'all don't get Jerry Springer in Iraq? Y'all get a lot of other shit though. Y'all get Taco Bell.

--FIT


Overheard by: Rachel


Girl: She doesn't want to go to Little Italy to find an Italian restaurant, she wants to go to Olive Garden in Times Square!

--34th & 7th


Overheard by: Shannon


Girl: ...oh my god, it is so disgusting to think that this is going to be inside me. Oh wait, ew. Inside my stomach.

--24th & 4th


Overheard by: Matt


Bag lady: Can anyone help me with some food? Whatever you can give me...Can anyone give me some butter with this?

--2 train


Overheard by: AJM


Teen boy: But how do they get the peanuts into the shells?

--88th & West End


Overheard by: Liane Graham


White guy on cell: I'm kind of over white bread these days. I'm sorry. I just don't know what else to say.

--Park Slope


Overheard by: Carrie


Guy: You, my friend, are an excellent source of potassium!

--Lexington Avenue/59th Street station


Old lady: What your body really needs is protein. That's why you got to eat Jell-O. It's got the protein, and it's good for your nails. I used to eat Jell-O all the time, five times a day. If I'm hungry, open up the fridge, just get a bowl of Jell-O. I got obsessed with my nails, wanted them to be real nice. My niece got mad. "Why you eat so much Jell-O?" Even at work, I'd get a bowl of Jell-O for the patient, and bowl of Jell-O for myself. You see, I was a dietician.

--B25 bus


Crazy guy: Did you know that chocolate is a conspiracy? You see, the Swiss put their names on chocolate, but chocolate is from Africa. The Swiss don't live in Africa; they live in Swissland.

--54th & 5th


Overheard by: r


Yuppie guy: Dude, it's all about balance. I mean, you just can't gorge yourself on sex, drugs and rock & roll...and butter.

--31st & Park


Guy on cell: Hi honey, what trendy little shithole will we be dining at tonight?

--Union Square


Overheard by: Judith Currin


Guy ...so I took the top off the shaker and I poured the salt right down my throat! It tasted nasty!

--6 train


Woman: Oh, I know! There's this great place we go to after Knicks games where you can get hot dogs and wine.

--49th & Broadway


Overheard by: Durin


Guy: This coffee tastes like closet.

--21st & 9th


Girl: You smell like sandwiches. I want to eat you.

--Bowery & 2nd


Irish guy: Is there any choclate up in this mofo?

--Office, 46th & Madison

Scarlett Johansson on cell: It kinda looked swollen.

--Union Square


Guy: And he's had a couple drinks, and he's at the bar hitting on this girl. So they're talking and laughing a bit, and he starts fucking around with her keys, joking around, but he starts coughing a bit, and tearing up...Long story short, at some point he accidentally must have hit the button on her can of Mace. Within a few minutes they have to clear the whole goddamn bar out because nobody can fucking breathe.

--Around the Clock, Stuyvesant Street


Overheard by: Rob Vincent


Cashier girl: Bye, sir! Thank you! And feel better...you look sick!

--Starbucks, 57th & Lexington


Chick: This is from another country? I want here medicine!

--Office, Rockefeller Plaza


Overheard by: pixelvisions


Teen girl: You're going to end up in intensive care! Wait, that's just for babies...I used to watch ER a lot so I know about this stuff.

--A train


Overheard by: Romy and Michele


Guy: Isn't mono just a diagnosis for people who are like, I don't know...pretty lazy?

--Downtown Brooklyn


Girl: See, I'm allergic to Vicodin. I took some before I let my boyfriend do me in the ass, and ended up just getting done in the ass and having a stomachache.

--Metro-North


Man on cell: I do feel better today...and I don't think it was the placebo.

--Office, 23rd & Park


Conductor: Attention passengers, a customer passed out, don't know when we'll be moving.

--C train


Overheard by: Sway

Girl on cell: I couldn't imagine myself stabbing someone...although I would understand if someone stabbed me.

--2nd Avenue & 13th Street


Overheard by: Anhela


Girl on cell: I could have fucking kicked her ass in the hospital...but I didn't.

--Astoria


Man on cell: Yeah, they ask you a lot of fool questions there, like if you hear voices in your head that tell you to kill people...Hell, no, I tell 'em I do it on my own!

--21st & 3rd


Hipster girl: I always like to tell people I'm gonna stab them in the eye. I think it sounds very...vicious.

--SVA


Overheard by: Erin B


Guy: Oh, man! That picture of the cop beating you up, that was great!

--6 train


Little girl: I drink human blood, but not yours; don't even think about me drinking your blood.

--Pierrepont Playground, Brooklyn Heights


Hipster guy: Don't hit me there, it makes me have to take a piss.

--1st Avenue & 6th Street


Overheard by: Johnny Tremain


Guy: What the fuck? I knew this nigga before he lost his eye. Why do you think he's wearing those glasses?

--West Broadway & Canal

Guy: You're about to get a face full of cum, bitch!

--13th between 1st & 2nd


Woman: We don't even need his sperm anymore!

--70th & Broadway


Overheard by: Isaiah Tanenbaum

Woman: Omigod! She looks just like someone I know at work!...Well, I can only see the back of her head, but...

--Pianos, Ludlow Street


Overheard by: Nick Draven


Chick: How does your hair always look so nice, and mine makes me look like I got fucked?

--Madison Square Garden


Overheard by: Casey