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Buster Poindexter is Spinning in His Grave
Girl: Who's that on your t-shirt?
Guy: Well, it says "New York Dolls"...
Girl: Is that Led Zeppelin?
Guy: Um, no, it's the New York fucking Dolls!
Girl: Asshole.
--Beauty Bar, East 14th Street
Not as Much as All Those Abortions
Old lady #1: Your grandson has not been with a girl in a while. He might be gay.
Old lady #2: Hey, he's not gay, don't be crazy. Your grandson needs to stop sleeping with every girl; he might get them pregnant.
Old lady #1: Hey, how much is this kielbasa?
Translated from the Russian.
--Grocery store, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Steve
More Like Upside Down
Med student guy #1: Wait up, you're saying that nearsighted means you can't see far? But it should, like, mean that you can't see near.
Med student guy #2: Yeah, I know, it's like backwards or something.
--Columbia-Presbyterian Medical Center, West 168th Street
"...Can I get her autograph?"
Guy: The Dead Kennedys are playing tonight. Oh, excuse me: the "Dead Kennedys."
Girl: Right.
Guy: Like the Dead Kennedys are even the Dead Kennedys without Jello Biafra. It's like the Misfits without Danzig.
Girl: My sister's boyfriend knows their drummer.
Guy: You have a sister?
--L train
Dude So Just Blew It
Girl: Ew, look at that bug by the curb. That's no regular roach.
Guy: Yeah, that's not a New York roach, it's like a Middle Earth roach.
--28th & 7th
Overheard by: Randolph Hernandez
Chocolate, Peanut Butter Still Unaccounted For
Girl #1: So, how was your night last night?
Girl #2: Um, I'm pretty sure I have jizz in my hair.
--Washington Square Park
The Liberry Ain't What It Used to Be
Girl #1: I am so glad I bought those earrings. I am definitely going to find my baby's father tomorrow night.
Girl #2: It's not the kind of place to find your baby's father. You might find your baby's daddy, but not your baby's father.
--Broadway & 4th
Overheard by: angela chase
I Too Thought They Were Some Sort of Reptile
Hobo: Hi, My name is Sonny Page, I'm homeless and I'm hungry. If you don't have it I understand 'cause I don't have it. But if you could spare some money, food, a sandwich, I would really appreciate it.
Guy: Aw. Fuck, didn't I give you change this morning? You're still hungry?
--F train
That Doormat's Got 3 Kids, and No Dad in Sight
Girl: Yo, my neighborhood is so ghetto.
Guy: What? It isn't ghetto. You've got a doormat.
--1 train
Tastes Not-So-Great, More or Less Filling
Guy #1: Dude, do you actually have a refrigerator this time?
Guy #2: Yeah, of course.
Guy #1: Good, 'cause I don't want an infection like I got last year from putting the beers in the toilet tank
Guy #3: Man, you chilled the beers in the toilet?
Guy #1: No dude, the toilet tank! I thought I would be safe but I woke up with one swollen eye and two swollen fingers.
--Bodega, 12th & B
This "Winner" Sure Got Some Prize
Little boy: No, I want them both! Mommy, you're a loser!
Mommy: Are you calling Mommy a loser? Well, then you're not getting
anything.
Little boy: No, I'm calling you a winner now! I love you!
--Toys "R" Us, Times Square
Overheard by: lindsey Lanpher
That Would Be Aiding and Abetting a Fugitive
Man: Can I buy a $2 subway card?
Booth lady: You have to use the machine.
Man: Can't you help me? I only have one arm.
--1st Avenue station
Overheard by: Jorge Montano
The Robohobos and Hoborgs Hit the Streets Today
Hobo: Beep. Beep. Beep.
Fat woman: Stop it!
Hobo: Beep. Beep. Beep.
--9th between 37th & 38th
It's Vampires Who Need Invites, Not People
Man: Can I see the takeout menu, please?
Counter guy: Do you want to stay?
--George's Lunch, Greenwich Street
Another Brilliant Brian Kinney Campaign
Ad guy #1: "Up Your Budget"? I don't get it.
Ad guy #2: It's for the rental car company.
Ad guy #1: But it makes you think of Up Your Butt. Is that the point? Budget wants people to think about stuffing things in their ass?
Ad guy #2: I don't know.
Ad guy #1: "Look at me, I'm stuffing things in my ass!" "We try harder, we're number two. We're stuffing things in our ass!"...Hertz!
--Madison & 50th
Overheard by: Kevin
The Mole Ruins Another Challenge
Queer #1: Okay, the question is, would you do Anderson Cooper?
Queer #2: I'd do him.
Queer #3: I'd do him too.
Queer #4: I wouldn't do him.
Queer #5: I so wouldn't do him.
Queer #6: I would do him.
Queer #1: I wouldn't do him. Can anyone count? Was it a tie? Shit. Now what?
--Food Bar, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: Laight
Spoken Like a True Pimp
Woman: People pickin' on you in school? Where are your friends? Who you roll with?
Little boy: I'm in the second grade!
--135th & 5th
Your Overheard Guide to New York
Guy #1: Well, to the west is Chelsea, down past 14th Street is the Village, uptown is Harlem, down past Houston is Soho; the Lower East Side is South past the Village.
Guy #2: What's this area called?
Guy #1: I have no idea...
--15th & 2nd
Overheard by: Bucky Turco
Old tour man: This is Chelsea, where the homosexual male and homosexual female live. To the right you can spot an interesting haircut on that man. That's called a Tommyhawk haircut.
--Gray Line bus, 14th & 7th
Overheard by: Hank Luxford
Her Name, Not Her Sentence
Crazy guy: You gots some pretty eyes.
Woman: Thank you.
Crazy guy: What's your name, pretty?
Man: My wife!
--A train
Overheard by: tommy Lo
The Women-Taking-Medicine Fetish
Yuppie girl: So yeah, I heard he was on that pill that makes you horny.
Yuppie guy: Allegra?
Yuppie girl: No, dumbass, that's the one that prostitutes take.
--S train
Overheard by: Glynnis
"The more you ignore me, the closer I get."
Man: I'm kind of disturbed by the fact that I've wanted to listen to Morrissey lately.
Woman: We can go back to my place and listen to Morrissey later.
Man: No one has sex to Morrissey.
--The Raven, Avenue A
He Was Hiding 35 Bodies in His Car
Girl: I hate clowns.
Clown guy: We hate you too.
--Church Avenue F station
Overheard by: sarah
She Has Six Months Left to LiveJournal
Doctor guy: Okay, we have the chest x-ray and it explains what's going on. See this lesion? It is pretty impressive.
Patient lady: "Impresssive"? Is that a medical term? Am I gonna have to google that, too?
--Office, 71st & Park
Overheard by: Next exam room
A Naked Shitflinger is Our Second-Best Customer
Security guy: You missed all the action!
Tailor guy: You mean the guy who defecated in the dressing room and then ran around here wearing just his shoes and a sweater? I'm the one who called you about it, young man! I was hiding over by the
stairs. Did you kick him out?
Security guy: No...you see, he's not "all there" in the head.
Tailor guy: Really? He looked quite sane to me!
--Syms, Trinity Place
Overheard by: Ben Lunsford
He Means Because He's a Warlock
Guy: You're how old? 27? Wow, I'm old.
Chick: Why, how old are you?
Guy: 35. If this was 1000 years ago, I'd be dead by now.
--Office, 51st & Park
Overheard by: Shannon
She Wants Someone to Share Her Bowl
Little girl: You know who has a weird name?
Mom: You mean an unusual name?
Little girl: Yes. The librarian. Her name is Constance.
Mom: Oh, that's an old name, like yours: Sadie.
Little girl: But they're bringing it back. I hear a lot of people in the park say, "Come, Sadie!" Especially to golden retrievers. That's why I'm begging you to get me a dog.
--D train
That is His Current Profession
Guy #1: I met Cary Grant the actor once; what a nice man he was.
Guy #2: As opposed to Cary Grant, not-the-actor?
--Marriott Marquis elevator, Times Square
Overheard by: ginger petunia
I Always Wondered About Mike and Rudy
Guy #1: So I'm trying to set Anthony up with this girl.
Guy #2: Wait a minute, I thought Anthony was gay.
Guy #1: Everybody does, but he's not. He just has a slight lisp.
--Pazza Note, 56th & 6th
Overheard by: El Cubano
Hobo: Of course Bloomberg is fucking gay. All the gays are Republican.
--3rd Avenue & 11th Street
Overheard by: Jim Ed Tabors
So Does She, He Hoped
Little white girl: Hey, that's a cool pack.
Little black boy: Thanks! Have you ever taken the D train?
Little white girl: No.
Little black boy: It goes all the way to Africa.
--6 train
Overheard by: Nick Kindelsperger
#14: The Washington Monument
Jessica Cutler: Twelve of my last sixteen boyfriends were Jewish.
--Happy Ending, Broome Street
That Also Applies to Pills
Girl #1: Whoa, there's a 7 train?
Girl #2: Yeah!
Girl #2: It's purple, we have to take it!
--6 train
Overheard by: eliza tulip
That's What They're Calling Anal Now
Girl #1: I love a little ethnicity...in the penis!
Girl #2: Totally, I heart the foreigners. The best I've ever had was a Frenchie.
Drunk guy: What? Hold on. You fucked a scrunchie?
--Houston & A
Wednesday One-liners Are Captive-bred
Guy: I'm so horny, I would fuck a mule...but only if it gave me head first.
--7 train
Overheard by: Ron Jackson
Wednesday One-liners for the Mishpokhe
Father: It's a little boy just like you, except you're a little girl.
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Broc Morten
Wednesday One-liner Brought a Half Keg
Girl: I should just drink a lot, like, a lot a lot a lot, and see what happens.
--12th & 3rd
Wednesday One-liners Aren't the Sharpest Knife
Chick: Yeah, this book, Lions and Witches and shit; I like to read weird shit and send it to my boyfriend in jail.
--2nd Avenue station
Overheard by: Amanda Morante
...With a Side Order of Wednesday One-liners
Chick: Ugh....Just remind me to never eat Taco Bell on an empty stomach.
--Lorimer Street/Metropolitan Avenue station
A Prescription of Wednesday One-liners
Old lady: I'm telling you: she's allergic to snow!
--28th & Park
Overheard by: Eliot Glazer
Wednesday One-liners Are Quick to Thrown Down
Little girl: I'm tired of thinking about ponies! Now it's time to kill!
--Park Slope
Wednesday One-liners Shoot Skeet
Hobo: Man invented the condom so that the woman would stop trying to steal his DNA.
--F train
Overheard by: Caroline Duncan
Wednesday One-liners Bear a Resemblance
Tween boy: They all kind of look like hipsters.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: ben wg
That's the Ticket, Wednesday One-liners
Man on cell: Yeah, I'm going to see a farce tonight...It's gonna be awesome. Wait, what's a farce? That's a comedy, right? Right?
--46th & 8th
Overheard by: Chad
Wednesday One-liners Rev Her Engine
Dude: What? So moving furniture didn't turn you on?
--Spring & Lafayette
Overheard by: Thoms
Wednesday One-liners, Hosted by Casey Kasem
Guy: So what songs do you have on your iPod?
--3rd Avenue & 10th Street
Overheard by: jessica castro
The Correct Answer Is "Fermented Abortion"
Guy #1: All right, we're going to play the Canal Street Game.
Guy #2: What's the Canal Street Game?
Guy #1: It's also called "Name That Smell".
--6 train
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
If Your Shit's Breathing, Please Consult a Doctor
Girl #1: I don't think I can afford to breathe in here.
Girl #2: Fucking hobos and shit breathe in here. I'm sure you're fine.
--Saks Fifth Avenue
The Time Traveler is Genuinely Disoriented
Guy: You go ahead, take that seat.
Girl: No, that's okay, I'm getting off soon.
Guy: So am I! Take it.
Hobo: What's all this nicey-nice bullshit? Where are we, fucking Michigan? Fucking England?
--1 train
Overheard by: Emily Borgen
Five Minutes Until Mutual Handjobs
Guy #1: Dude, I know this is kinda gay, but I played The Sims last night naked and it was awesome.
Guy #2: Oh, that's solid. I watch TV naked all the time. Not recently, though. I've been studying for my econ midterm constantly, and you can't be naked in the library.
Guy #1: That sucks, 'cause it's like...being naked just always feels better.
Guy #2: Totally. Ceteris paribus, I say, "do it naked."
--Columbia University
It's Time for NYC Short Stories
Guy #1: What time is it?
Guy #2: One o'clock.
Guy #1: What? How long has it been one?
Guy #2: Less than a minute?
--57th & Lexington
Mom: Hey! If you're hungry I'll buy you a hot dog. Don't bite your brother...Hey! What did I just tell you?
She flicks his ear; he yelps.
Mom: Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
--Stop & Shop, Union Turnpike
Overheard by: Chris B
A woman gets on the train and begs for money. She is upset that other people ask for money and spend it on the wrong things. She promises she is being sincere and that she isn't going to spend it on drugs; she needs it to buy food for her 93 day old baby.
Four days later the same woman gets on the train, telling how she is being honest and needs the money to buy food. Only now she claims her baby is 76 days old.
Funny how she's begging for money, when she should really just sell that time machine.
--Q train
Overheard by: Jill
Guy: Hey man, wanna make some quick money moving some equipment for me?
Hobo: I don't have time right now.
--30th & 7th
Overheard by: theallegedother
Embarrassment Took Care of the Other Two
Professor guy: Does anyone know who the celebrity advocate is for sickle cell anemia? Come on people, you can't be less hip than me.
NYU girl: T-Boz.
Professor guy: That's right! T-Boz! From what group?
NYU girl: TLC.
Professor guy: Yeah, TLC! And in case you don't know who they are...
He puts a picture of TLC on the overhea[r]d projector.
Professor guy: I actually have their CD. I put it on at home when I feel like getting jiggy with it. I thought we'd listen to it while you work. Not I Don't Want No Scrubs, partly because I don't know what that means.
--Silver Building, Waverly Place
Little Kids Speak Fist Better Than English
Toddler boy: Wah! I want Mommy!
Babysitter chick: I want you to shut the fuck up.
--L train
Overheard by: RAZE ONE
iDiot
Girl #1: Um, excuse me? Excuse me?...Excuse me, I need to get out here...Excuse me, I need to get out here.
Girl #2: Don't fucking push me!
Girl #1: I said "excuse me," you stupid fucking bitch! And by the way, your music sucks!
--L train
Overheard by: Lilit
The Cops Are Always Looking for Hot Tips
Guy #1: So she painted her nipples red.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: I dunno, I guess it looks good on the police report.
--Pratt
A Black Hole Isn't a Universe
Girl #1: You talk like you're from an entirely other universe.
Girl #2: I am. It's called Los Angeles!
--1st Avenue & 6th Street
Overheard by: miss dubin
"Oh...Then, want me to check your prostate?"
Guy #1: Do you have a light?
Guy #2: I don't think you should smoke, this is a cancer walk.
Guy #1: Yes, but it's not for lung cancer.
--South Street Seaport
It's Actually Just the Sheepshead Bay
Girl #1: I have the best view of the Hudson River from my bedroom window.
Girl #2: Oh, did you move to the West Side?
Girl #1: Um, no. I still live on the East Side.
Girl #2: You mean the East River?
Girl #1: Whatever, you're not invited.
--University & 10th
That's What Makes Them Grow
Guy: You always shit on my plants.
Girl: You fuckin' shit on your own plants, asshole.
--14th & 3rd
Overheard by: Ronen Trigoli
She Thinks "Hyphenate" Means Buttsex
Girl #1: She wouldn't even take his name?
Girl #2: And she even refused to hyphenate? That's ridiculous.
--6 train
No, That's Why She Got Hep C
Woman: That's enough pushing, people. I'm pregnant and I'm nice and tight up in here.
Guy: That's why you got pregnant!
--6 train
Overheard by: john chianese
No Birth Control, Money or Food Problems There
Teen boy #1: Does your mom know you're going to the Nine Inch Nails concert?
Teen girl #1: I just turned 15, my mom would shit if she knew I was going to the Nine Inch Nails concert. I told her I was going to miss my PSAT class because you had a surprise for me for my birthday. She thinks you are taking me out for dinner.
Teen girl #2: What will you tell her when you get home after midnight?
Teen girl #1: I don't know.
Teen boy #2: Tell her that he took you to a Broadway show.
They discuss theater.
Teen girl #1: Oh, I'd love to go to a Broadway show, can you take me sometime?
Teen boy #1: No, that would cost like $500.
Teen girl #2: My parents aren't even home, they went on a cruise.
Teen girl #1: Can we go on a cruise?
Teen boy #2: A cruise is expensive; it costs like $3,000 a person.
Teen girl #2: It doesn't cost that much.
Teen boy #2: Well, I don't know how much it costs, but it fucking costs a lot.
Teen boy #1: Do you have the money for the tickets?
Teen girl #1: No, I only have like $6. I forgot to take my wallet, my lunch and my birth control.
Woman: Let's raise our kids in the Philippines.
--LIRR
That Means He Knows How to Get Women
Boss guy: I'll meet you at Seebo at 5:30.
Design guy: Um...I think it's pronounced "Chee-bo." C-I-B-O. It's Italian.
Boss guy: What do I know? I'm a Viking.
--Office, Hanover Square
Overheard by: R.S.
This Routine Killed at the Kindergarten
Girl: Have some! Please!
Guy: Uh, no. I hate bananas.
Girl: Come on! This shit is bananas! B-a-n-a-n-a-s!
Guy: B-a-n-a-no.
--Chat 'n' Chew, East 16th Street
Then They Shouldn't Be Showing Off
Two guys are waiting for the train inside the turnstyle when a group behind them start waving their hands and making weird noises.
Guy #1: People are so fucking crazy. I'm always around crazy people.
Guy #2: Uh...they're deaf. And mute.
--Christopher Street station
Do You Believe in Soulmates?
Yuppie man #1: Hey, John is going to be in town tomorrow night, we're all going to go out
Yuppie man #2: Oh shit, I can't go. I've got a date tomorrow night.
Yuppie man #1: What? Are you serious? Fuck the date, man.
Yuppie man #2: No, yeah. I know, that's exactly what I got to do.
--Riviera Cafe and Sports Bar, W. 4th Street
Drunk girl: I need to put on lipstick.
Sober guy: Why?
Drunk girl: Because I have a guy coming to see me...he has hair and is taller than me.
--56th & 9th
Seems Bats Lose Their Sonar When They Get Old
Old woman: Excuse me officer, could you please tell me where the New Jersey Transit trains are?
Cop lady: Up the stairs and make a left, can't miss 'em.
Old woman: Which stairs?
Cop lady: Turn around.
Old woman: Are you sure?
Cop lady: Yeah, head up those stairs and make a left, there will be another officer up there behind the podium.
Old woman: So I only go up the one flight?
Cop lady: There is only one flight...Go up the stairs...when you get to the top...make a left.
Old woman: So I'm making a right, then going up the stairs...
Man: Jesus Christ, the fucking cop just told you like forty times! Are you fucking retarded? Go up the stairs, make a right!
Old woman: Well, wasn't he rude!
Cop lady: Ma'am, would you like me to walk you up there?
Old woman: Oh no, I'll be fine, thank you.
Cop lady: Have a nice day, ma'am.
The old woman then proceeded to walk in the completely opposite direction. Cop lady held it in for about 5 seconds before laughing.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: mshorty
The Comics Section is a Real Gas
Girl #1: ...and I went on the American Nazi Party website, and it's--
Girl #2: I know! It's hysterical.
--26th & Park
Overheard by: Kevin Stone
The Filming of Back to School II
Eddie Izzard: We've explored space, but we haven't drilled down. You all remember Journey to the Center of the Earth. Why don't we just drill down to the center and see the...what's it called?
Guy: Magma.
Eddie Izzard: Yeah, we'll get a heat resistant camera and we'll see the magma. And they'll make a documentary--
Guy: It wouldn't work.
Eddie Izzard: Eh?
Guy: The density would be too intense.
Eddie Izzard: No, we would take the rocks out behind us--
Guy: No, the air would be too dense. As you approach the center of
the earth, the density of the air increases.
Eddie Izzard: But what if you took the rocks out?
Guy: No, the air would still be too dense.
Eddie Izzard: Oh, well I guess you would know better than I. You must be some sort of scientist?
Guy: Actually, I'm an actor...but I took science class.
--The Village Theatre, Bleecker Street
If You Drank It You Wouldn't Get Pregnant
Girl #1: I didn't know I was pregnant for, like, 4 weeks.
Girl #2: Seriously?
Girl #1: Yeah, and you know I drank a shitload in that time.
--Rockefeller Plaza
It's An Epidemic of Carries Bradshaw
Chick #1: Excuse me, ma'am, but would you mind moving your bag so that my son and I could sit next to each other?
Chick #2: Honestly? I just don't feel like going through the motions right now.
--6 train
Overheard by: Anne O.
Gee, I Wonder if She Likes Sex & the City?
A white girl on a cell drops a piece of paper. A Hispanic man picks it up.
Hispanic man: Senorita! Senorita!
White girl: What? Oh, sorry.
She returns to her call.
White girl: ...No, I just thought I was being harassed.
--14th & University
That Requires Testimony, Old School
Girl: I don't know if he's straight or gay, I can't tell.
Guy: You know that saying "innocent until proven guilty"? Well, everyone at Pratt is gay until proven straight.
--Hoyt-Schermerhorn station
Overheard by: Peter F.
Instructor : Creepy :: Pope : Catholicism
LSAT guy: Okay, Kelly doesn't know the answer to this one, so I'm going to call on her.
Kelly: Shit.
LSAT guy: You have no idea how much satisfaction that gives me, getting that response. I'm a total masochist in the classroom...and in the bedroom.
--Crowne Plaza Hotel, East 42nd Street
Confirmed: Melanin Induces Menstruation
Girl #1: Ooh, if he was black he would have kicked your ass...
Girl #2: Yeah, if he was a nigga you'd be bleeding all over me.
--1 train
Overheard by: Dustin Ragland
The Bus Bears a Resemblence
Old lady: Oh the sun is out! Do you think it's gonna rain again today?
Bus driver: Do I look like Al Roker to you? I drive a freakin' bus!
--Bx9 bus
Overheard by: Lauren
Put Some Pants on That Bird, Quick
Queer #1: Oh, no, no, I don't like that one, find a Puerto Rican one!
Queer #2: I think this is going to be my wallpaper.
Bartender guy: Are you guys downloading porn?
Queer #2: Oh my god, a new Cuckoo for Cocoa Cocks just came out!
--Red, Fulton Street
We All Still Miss Belushi
Hispanic man #1: Fucking wind. It's fucking cold up here, Holmes.
Hispanic man #2: People complain about New York too much, man. Remember how we had them killer bees?
--120th between 1st & Pleasant
Overheard by: Patrick Stegall
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