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Think We Should Tell Her What I Got Pierced?
Woman #1: Rhoda! Did you see Chrissie's tattoo?
Woman #2: Oh no!
Woman #1: And here.
Woman #2 to teen: Are you crazy? Do you know what that shit is going to look like when you get pregnant and it stretches all out and hangs there? I ought to kick you both down these steps throwing good money away.
--Met Steps
Overheard by: Blondie
Coaching Children is Like Herding Cats
Soccer coach: You have to kick from your shoelaces.
Girl #1: I don't have any laces!
Girl #2 with mismatched shoes: Do you like my shoes?
--P.S. 158, 77th & York
Overheard by: Jen
Oh Honey, Someday You'll Have Kids of Your own to Baffle with Dungeon Antics
Little girl: Daddy, let's go in here!
Dad: No, that stuff's not for you.
Little girl: But mommy went in there!
Dad: It's a store for grown-ups.
Little girl: No it isn't! They have baby bottles!
--Outside Fetish Shop, W. 4th & Cornelia
And That's the Good News
Little girl: Mom, do penguins die?
Mom: Everyone dies.
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: alm
Clearly, Both of Them Would do Anything for Love
Guy: I can't stand ham. It' tastes like bootleg meatloaf.
Girl: What?
Guy: It tastes like meatloaf if R. Kelly got to it.
Girl: What's R. Kelly got to do with meatloaf?
Guy: C'mon. You know what R. Kelly with do with meatloaf if he got ahold of some, don't you?
--Quiznos, 23rd St & Madison
Overheard by: Jatmos
What all Those Sperm Banks Really do With it
Drunk hipster #1: Yeah...snort cum.
Drunk hipster #2: How could I snort cum? It's impossible!
Drunk hipster #1: Nothing is impossible.
Drunk hipster #2: But it's so sticky. I really don't think that's possible...unless maybe it was in powder form.
Drunk hipster #1: Wow! We're those guys on the train everyone wants to shut up.
--C train
Sweetie, if You Think Changing Clothes Will Let you Blend in, You're Even More of a New Englander than You Realize
Bostonian Girl: I need to get clothes for the city.
Bostonian Guy: What's wrong with what you have?
Bostonian Girl: Are you kidding? We're in New York City, you can't wear North Face in NYC. They'll be able to tell we're New Englanders from a mile away.
--Fordham University
From the Possibly Apocryphal Sondheim Project "Where There's Fags There's Fire"
Gay in cab: Hey, look, it's a fiiireman!
Fireman: Hey, it's a fag in a cab!
Gay in cab: Are there any more firemen?
Fireman: Are there any more fags in the cab?
--319 W 48th St
Overheard by: gianni jones
France Just Seems Small, Because It's So Easy to Conquer
Customer You Greek?
Waitress: Greek Orthodox.
Customer: So you're Greek.
Waitress: No, that's my religion, they call it Greek Orthodox.
Customer: But you're from Greece, right?
Waitress: No, Belarus.
Customer: Russia?
Waitress: Belarus. It's the former USSR. It's between Russia and Poland.
Customer: I never heard of it. It must be very small.
Waitress: It's not small.
Customer: It must be very small.
Waitress: It's the size of France. France is quite big, actually.
Customer: I better look at a map.
Waitress: Yeah, you'd better.
--Diner, Park Slope
Dude, I Smoke Pot While I Weed
Indian college kid: So, do you smoke pot, or weed?
--West 4th & MacDougal
Overheard by: Dan
It Couldn't Hurt Worse than Hearing you use the Phrase 'Treasure Trail'
Blonde: You know what I did this morning?
Brunette: What?
Blonde: I plucked out my treasure trail with tweezers. Pain isn't even the word.
Brunette: What the fuck? Why?
Blonde: It was too short to wax and I was impatient...
Brunette: Ummm...why didn't you just shave it then?
Blonde: Oh hell no! It'd grow back like the next day! Shit, I'd pluck out my whole crotch if I knew I wouldn't pass out from the pain!
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Mistress Silver
Christian Science By Proxy
Singing hobo: I'm gonna praise Him! I'm gonna thank Him in His naaaame!
Dude #1 gives the hobo a dollar.
Singing hobo: Thank you. God bless you.
Dude #2: Dude, my balls still hurt.
Dude #1: Did you take anything?
--Northbound N
Overheard by: Matt Hartwick
Usually It's Too Hot to Be Angry All the Time
Street promoter: Yo, do you like rap music?
Teenage Tourist: I'm from the South.
--Times Square
Touché, Ann Coulter, Touché
Tourist guy #1: New York is cool man, a lot of places to visit and shit.
Tourist guy #2: Yeah, I know... I can't wait to find me one of them horny-ass "Sex in the City" whores to suck me up while I'm here.
Tourist guy #1: That's a myth, you fag. It ain't real.
Tourist guy #2: Look at those moms over there. I bet they're craving some young cock.
--Outside Radio City Music Hall
Overheard by: FatCop
Or More Accurately, Wanted You to Fit in Me
Teen girl: Hi. Yes, hi. Excuse me. I know you don't know me but, what background are you from?
Teen boy: Ummm, why do you ask?
Teen girl: You look like an interesting mix and I really really want to know.
Teen boy: Ummm. Actually, I don't know.
Teen girl: You don't know? How come?
Teen boy: I was adopted.
Teen girl: Really? Wow! I don't know my real parents either! Ok, ok. That's not true. I just wanted to fit in.
--F train
Me? Oh Thank You, Mr. Perfumed Butt Pirate!
Conducter. Stand clear of the closing doors... Stand clear everyone... Please stand-a clear of the closing doors.... In the front car, you, with the hat, in or out already!
Queer: I think he means you, Mr. Smelly Homeless Man.
--145th St Station
Overheard by: CI
The Apron Strings were his Re-entry Vehicle
Buzz Aldrin's wife: Every woman should control 75 to 90% of her husband's life.
--Javits Center
He Finds Himself Tempted by Annoying Women of His Own Tradition
Shiksa #1: So he goes, "Things changed, I moved to the city." What the fuck kind of bullshit excuse is that?
Shiksa #2: Oh he moved to the city? Whoa....the city Jew is a whole different breed of Jew.
--51st & 2nd
Overheard by: In agreement
Generations of Immigrants Happily Agree
Stoner: La la la babyyy hey hey! I lovee it today! All we wanna do is smoke weeed and get drunk and be CRAZZZYYYY! La la la!
Tourist teen to friend: See, this is why we should move to New York--we'd look like normal people here.
--Central Park
Yeah, What Kind of Fucked-up Bush Grows Pickled Peppers Anyway?
Guy #1: That tongue twister "Sally sells seashells at the seashore" is whacked. Why would you sell seashells at the seashore when you can just pick up seashells at the seashore for free?
Guy #2: Because it's nice and people are too lazy to look for a nice seashell in the seashore.
Guy #1: What will they do with a seashell? Just look at it?
Guy #2: You can listen to the ocean if you put it in the ear.
Guy #1: Why would I buy a seashell to listen to the ocean if I can listen to the ocean right there? It doesn't make sense, son.
Guy #2: I don't know. It's just a tongue twister, man. It's not supposed to make sense. Just like the pickle piper shit.
--Uptown 6 train
Your Mom is Wearing Me Out
Girl:...Oh come on, it won't be that bad.
Guy: Fuck no! I am NOT fucking your sister!
--Grand Central
God as a Necrophiliac is Another Thing the Church has Suppressed
Nun: You're not man enough to say it to my face!
Obnoxious guy: I'll say it to your face: God is fucking dead!
--Horace Greeley Park, 35th St
Overheard by: rage gage
But He's a Major Tourist Attraction
Manic tourist lady #1: Oh wow, the front of the train. I've never been in FRONT before. Look! Haha! No driver!
Manic tourist lady #2: No driver? Seriously? Excuse me, sir? Who's driving this subway?
Local looks up from paper and looks around frantically.
Manic tourist #2: Wait, seriously? Oh my God, should we get off?
Manic tourist #1: Oh, calm down. He's just joking. We can't get off 'til Union Square.
Local: Ma'am, I swear to God that I'm not joking. Nobody's driving this train. I'm just as terrified as you are.
Manic tourist #2: Oh, whatever. He's one of those New York assholes we heard about. Ignore him.
--4 train, 59th St
Overheard by: got off too
Warning: This Story is Character-Driven
Rhodes Scholar wigger: Yeah, we ain't together no more. Bitch had the nerve to dump me.
Friend: What happened? You guys looked fine last week. It doesn't make sense.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: She wasn't down with how I roll. Always dissin' the way I talk and shit--you know, correcting me and shit. Said she couldn't take it no more, that I was always actin' ign-i-ant or some shit. Like she's some brain scientist or some shit. Bitch was always wrong anyways.
Friend: Brain surgeon.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: What?
Friend: You said brain scientist. I think you meant brain surgeon.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: Dat's what I said nigga, you just heard me wrong.
Friend: You know what, suddenly it does makes sense.
--Manhattan bound F train
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
Dear Diary, Today I Prevented Discovery of the Precious Einstein Sperm... Barely
Thug #1: Yo, I heard some shit about they got sperm samples of scientists from the 1950s stored underneath the ice skating rink.
Thug #2: Oh shit, look at that bitch's ass over by the flags.
Thug #1: Damn.
--Rockefeller center
Overheard by: Nado
God, That Brings Me Back
Hobo: Spare some change?
Yuppie woman: Sorry. But would you like some prosciutto with melon?
Hobo: Yeah, okay.
--96th & CPW
Overheard by: Jill
They Changed the Title to The House at Poo Corner
Guy: They'll be so impressed that you'll eat dog shit without them even asking.
Girl: Will they really?
Guy: My friends actually pitched a show called America: Who Can Eat the Most Dog Shit?
Girl: What's that about?
Guy: Um... basically what it sounds like.
Girl: Well let them know there's human interest for that.
--Flatiron District
Going Back to His Wife in Scarsdale
Ghetto chick: I'm pregnant
Thug: So?
Ghetto chick: What do you mean, "So"?
Thug: Shouldn't you be having this conversation with your husband
Ghetto chick: And tell him what, that I cheated and got pregnant?
Thug: No, but you can tell him to pay for the abortion or he'll be raising my kid, if it's even mine.
Ghetto chick: What the fuck do you mean if it's yours?
Thug: Bitch please! I'm a pimp, look I gotta go--you and your husband figure it out.
Ghetto chick: Where the fuck you think your going?
Thug: Bitch, I don't answer to you. I'm out.
--875 3rd Ave
Overheard by: splashmaster
And Those Halloween Tea-and-Torah Parties Are No Fun at All
Teen girl #1:The guy with the blond hair, is he English?
Teen girl #2: No, he's Jewish.
Teen girl #1: I hate Halloween.
--CVS, 4th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: johnozed
An Order of Magnitude Less Valuable
Hipster girl #1: Did you see Project Runway last night?
Hipster girl #2: Yeah, finally Vincent was voted off.
Hipster girl #1: I know, he should have been voted off a while ago
Hipster girl #2: Well, Vincent wasn't the smartest guy in the world... I mean, he cashed in his 41k.
--4th & Bedford
Overheard by: hoppe
His Mistake Was Leaning in for a Kiss
Hobo: Sir, can I trouble you for a cigarette?
Suit #1: Yeah no problem, man.
Hobo: Have a light, too?
Suit #1: Sure.
Hobo: Thanks, man... get the FUCK outta my face!
Suit #2: Only in NYC, man...
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Rob
White Folks Still Claim Jesus Was A Cracker
Teen boy: Do you know where I can find those Communion wafers? I want to eat them with salsa.
Friend: Um, you can't just eat those. It's the body of Christ.--Rockefeller CenterOverheard by: Jason
Headline by: Bored Beyond Belief
Runners-Up:
· "Besides, Three Days Later You'll Be Hungry Again" - Sparky
· "...And After Three days, He Arose, with Craving for Pico de Gallo" - Russ Wall
· "...And They're 2000 Years Past Their Expiration Date" - John
· "And Stop Putting Salt on the Rim of the Chalice" - Amy Stephenson
· "Betcha Can't Transubstantiate Just One" - chris
· "Body of Satan Has More Tang Anyway" - Jessica
· "Friends Don't Let Friends Go to Church Stoned" - Pix
· "If Jesus Wanted Us to Eat Him with Salsa, He'd Be Appearing on Tortillas.... Oh... Wait." - ilemanzer
· "Look for the Bag Marked 'Corpus Crispy'" - Slept thru the Sermon
· "My God Stays Crunchy in Milk" - Benedict
· "That's What You Said about the Last Donut, Too" - SDP
· "The Next Special Ingredient on Iron Chef" - dan
· "They're Best Served with Dogma" - zg
· "Try the Taco Bells of St. Mary's" - jules
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
If We Have to Shout to Make Conversation, You're Being Inconsiderate
Hipster girl #1: It's moderately inappropriate to have sex in the living room when other people are there.
Hipster girl #2: Well, are you loud?
--Sarita's Macaroni & Cheese, 12th St & 1st Ave
But You Never Ate Her out in a Stall
Girl: Oh my God I just ran into Julianne Moore in the bathroom!
Guy: Whatever, I already saw her naked in like three movies.
--Chelsea Clearview Cinema, 23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Scott
It's Even Funnier If You Know What They're Talking About
Girl #1: You're a geek, too. You took your Lord of the Rings action figures to the opening night of Return of the King, and you made them sit on your lap and watch the movie.
Girl #2: That wasn't me.
Girl #1: Oh yeah. That was me. But you like Dune.
Girl #2: Don't you have a crush on Muad'Dib?
Girl #1: Oh yeah.
--Penn Station
And I Insist Upon Sharing All the Details of Our Love with You...Son
Thug #1: Your mom is a lady, bro.
Thug #2: I don't want to hear no more of this shit. Go fuck her in the ass. Go fuck her in the ear. I don't want to hear it.
Thug #1: No, dawg. She a WOMAN.
Thug #2: Fuck you, I said stoppit.
Thug #1: I know you smart. I know you smart. But she is a lady.
--61st and CPW
Overheard by: Lauren Michelle
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Wardrobe Malfunction
Young professional woman, trying in vain to flag a cab uptown: I should have worn something sluttier today.
--25th & Park
Overheard by: Mike S
Business woman: All I need are some pasties, Daisy Dukes, and some four-inch heels. Then I'll get a promotion.
--43rd & Lex
Overheard by: I thought that she worked in an office
Girl: The place is Salsa-ey, so dress a little slutty.
--St. Mark's & 3rd
Overheard by: Ronnie Q
Tween girl in hot-pants and tight shirt: I can't buy that. My mom doesn't let me wear baggy clothes.
--Target, Atlantic Center, Brooklyn
Chick: I want hooker boots... but not in the heels. I want flats.
--Hunter College
Conservative guy: The second smartest person in this country is Ann Coulter. And let me tell you, she looks good in a pair of tight pants and Manolos at 2:30 in the morning.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: Stupid Liberal Hottie
Chick on cell: Well, then I don't feel so bad about going in a little vinyl skirt if you're just going to be wearing underwear.
--Harlem
Overheard by: McFreaky
Wednesday One-Linezillas
Teenage bride-to-be on cell: ...yeah. But, no, I'm totally ready to walk across the aisle.
--Target, South Bronx
Overheard by: so this is the bronx
Suit: You expect me to spend the rest of my life with only one woman? One woman? One godforsaken woman?
--42nd St & Madison
Hula hoop guy to tourist couple: Sir! I'll show you! You don't have to do it, but hula hoops have saved a lot of marriages!
--Washington Square Park
Old woman to imaginary friend: I'd make a great wife, mothafucka!
--F train
Overheard by: Trying Not to Laugh
Girl: Can I do your brother at one of your weddings?
--Monitor St, Brooklyn
Young woman on cell: Well yeah, but he didn't sleep with your bridesmaids.
--82nd & Lex
Man on cell: Ok, fine! You want to get married?
--Upper West Side
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Root of All Evil
Elderly shopkeeper in the pouring rain: Hey! Hey, amigo! When you go home, don't take shower. You save money on bills.
--Morgan & Flushing, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Erin Partridge
Hobo: Man, I need a hundred dollars. Gimme a hundred dollars! I need Viagra.
--13th & University
Overheard by: Daniel
Shrewd negotiator: You don't gimme da money, you not gonna get da baby.
--Elevator, 26th & East River housing complex
Hobo to girl: Bitch, I don't want your money! Do I look like I want your money? I don't think so. You go and walk on. Bitch all be thinking I need her money. Why don't you go and spend it on yourself?! Those heels are about to break. [lowers voice] Bitch be all wearin' cheap heels and handin' me money.
--50th & Park
Overheard by: Sara
Woman on cell: What?....Are you there??...We'll take New York back, and you better give me my fucking money!
--W Broadway & Chambers
Overheard by: Let's hope she was refering to Monopoly
Suit on cell: It's like, "No, homeless person, you can't have a quarter, I need money for resume paper."
--Court & Joralemon
Overheard by: elmer
Girl, joining friend: Sorry I'm late. I just made $100 across the street.
--Post office, 14th & A
Grand Slam Wednesday One-Liners
Man selling CDs: If you like the Mets, you will love my album!
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: nicole
Mets fan: I don't care if I have one lung, or only have half a pancreas, or if I lose a leg falling in front of the train. As long as the Mets win, I'm good to go.
--7 train
Asshole, pointing to guy with Red Sox bumper sticker on his wheelchair: He's a Boston fan; let's kick his ass! Oh wait, looks like God beat us to it.
--126th & St Nick
Conductor, on PA: That Johnny Damon. He sure looks like Jesus. But he sure throws like my little sister.
--Amtrak train out of Penn Station
Overheard by: Lisita
MTA worker: All people for the Mets game, go to your right. All people for the US Open, if any, go to your left.
--Willets Point-Shea Stadium subway station
Overheard by: Emily
Thugette: Yo, when I make it in show business, I will not speak to Ben Affleck. When I found out he's a Red Sox fan, I decided then and there.
--Q65 bus
Overheard by: A White Bear
Conductor: 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. Let Big Papi know who the real MVP is.
--D train
Overheard by: Lindsay J.
Wednesday One-Liners Have at Least One Marketable Skill
Pragmatist: I figure if I don't get a job in publishing, I'll become a video vixen.
--Dunkin' Donuts, Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Overheard by: Christine
Skank: No way! I am not one of those girls. I am not a video girl...I am a dancer!
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Skye
Ditz: Supposably [sic], she's going to be dancing in some Beyonce video. She's so stupid.
--54th St between 9th & 10th
Media scholar: Well it's different when the girl getting fucked in the video is the same age as you. I mean, that's great when you're 15.
--20th & 8th
Wednesday One-Liners are Skin Deep, at Best
Guy, to twin girls: She's the pretty one.
--8th & Hudson
Overheard by: Michelle
Hobo: Hey, baby! Oh, maaaan. You so gorgeous. I wanna paint you red. You wait. I'm gonna paint you red tonight.
--20th between 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Baby
Hobo to hot girl: I've been prairie dogging it the whole train ride, but I just want to tell you that you're beautiful.
--34th St N station
Overheard by: Lara
Guy on cell: She's good looking, but not too smart -- like Jessica Simpson. Not as dumb as her, but not as hot either, so I guess it kind of evens out.
--Duane Reade, 27th & Madison
Suit to friend: But I was prettier back then.
--Church & Chambers
Guy: Hey, gorgeous, how ya doin'?
Woman ignores him.
Guy: Well, well, well, aren't we full of ourselves...
--14th & Broadway
Dude: I only went out with her because she knows some hot lesbians.
--Hunter College
Look to Your Right and Left, NYU Class of 2010: One of You Wednesday One-Liners Will be Gone by Spring
NYU kid: I'm waiting for a roomba that runs on solar.
--Washington Square
NYU hipster: Do you ever find a little self-deprecation to be charming?
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Joey Gillis
NYU chick: I drink Sprite not Pepsi because you know, it's colorless so there's no fat or calories so I can stay thin. You drink Pepsi and that's brown and thick so it's got carbs.
--NYU dorm
Overheard by: Low Fat Soda
NYU girl: I don't like that sour is attached to cream; don't let the fucking cream go sour!
--Williams & Wall
Overheard by: Genevieve
NYU girl: So they call it a keg stand...they hold your legs up and you're just supposed to drink out of the spout thingy. SOOOOOO weird, but the guy was hot so I did it.
--W 4th St
NYU student: So I said, "I don't care what time it is, you are supposed to be a lesbian!"
--Union Square Whole Foods
Overheard by: Batman
NYU girl: Yeah, she did kinda look like a lesbian. I mean, she had really bad posture.
--Church & Murray
Overheard by: Jason
Wednesday One-Liners Could Pinch Hit for William Safire
Wardrobe consultant chick: Hey Jorge*, el foodo is here! Wait a minute, what's the word again?
--Men's Wearhouse, 34th & 5th
Overheard by: erak
Tourist woman on cell: That's not even the right thing to say to somebody in a fight. A "punk" is from the 50s. It's like a tough guy or a street guy.
--56th & 5th
Woman on cell: You know what pull my finger means? Well you better start pulling your finger. Pull it 24/7.
--12th & 1st
Guy: Korean words don't end in vowels, you fuckhead. Except for "Korea"... and "Hyundai".
--Chelsea Market
Yuppie dad lecturing two school-age sons: Last week, this girl in my class said that something just sucked and I told her, "You know, when you're in English class, vocabulary is cool, and it's better to say that something is disappointing instead of saying that it sucks."
--Tip-Top Shoes, W 72nd St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Man on cell: Do you know what trifling means?? No! It does NOT mean truffle-making!
--17th & 6th
Overheard by: Thirsty Violet
Guy, passing "La Bagel Delight": That means "The Bagel Delight" in
French!
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Where in the World are Wednesday One-Liners?
Tourist: Is this 49th Street? Oh no, I think we're at Times Square!
--Uptown R Train at Union Square
Overheard by: Limey
Lady on cell: I'm on the corner by the trash can and the lamp.
--Union Square
Man on cell: Wait, I'm on 4th and Broadway...Hey wait, are you me? Who are you?
--4th and Broadway
Guy on cell: Ey! Eeeey! What, like you can't SEE me? I'm up heeeeh, waving my arms like an ingrate!
--Shea Stadium, upper deck
Overheard by: Infield Fly
Guy on cell: Yeah I'm here in the NYU park. We are gonna talk about feng shui. Not your feng shui, my feng shui.
--washington square park
Overheard by: ak
Guy on cell: I can see a big building, can you see a big building where you are?
--University and 8th Street
Wednesday One-Liners Use the Socratic Method
Columbia grad student: ...developing a really spectacular
sense of intellectual arrogance.
--Columbia University
Professor, receiving text message in class: Ooh. That's interesting. Invitation to go dancing, not from my girlfriend. Thank God I've got permission... We're never going to get to anything today, are we? I'm so bad at this...
--Tisch School of the Arts, NYU
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Chinese professor: You see Chinese like tofu, you never use it.
--John Jay College
Overheard by: soccerking3t
Teen guy: So I ended up in a dress. I don't think English class will ever be the same.
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Natasha
Sadistic professor: Unfortunately we don't flog people anymore. You usually pass out after you finish screaming.
--Fordham, the Bronx
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Drunken pre-med to drunken boy teetering on a concrete railing: Reed, if you fall, I'm not a doctor yet!
--West Village, 8th & 14th
Overheard by: annie
NYU girl to professor: So, if you're sleeping with Nietzsche, you shouldn't ask the question, "What are you thinking?"
--NYU classroom, Mercer & Houston
New York Agrees: Wednesday One-Liners Are the People's Choice
Hobo: All Democrats must dye their hair pink! All Democrats must dye their hair pink. Pink is the color of pussies! Therefore, all Democrats are pussies!
--16th & 8th
Overheard by: My hair isn't pink and I'm voting for Spitzer
Man having trouble with the levers on his voting machine: Wait, I know what the problem is...I'm a Republican!
--Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Not a Republican
Young fireman to conspiracy nut: You liberal bastard. I hope you die
in a fire. Motherfucker.
--Ground Zero
Overheard by: Jeremy C.
Hobo walking in the rain, yelling: All Democrats are Al Sharpton cock-suckers! The only question is do they spit or swallow the cum!
--12th St & 5th Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Didn't Listen to Nancy Reagan
Black guy on cell: Yea! Yea! He just called me up. I was like, "Yo, stop callin me up"... Yea!.... Yea my sister's on crack!
--Houston & Essex
Overheard by: saywhat?
Suit: Well, I'm a drug dealer, so I have a phone for each kind: a pot phone, a coke phone, you know...
--R train
Queer on cell: Oh my God. I left the check at home. I am such a fucking idiot. I am such a FUCKING idiot! Yeah, I'll be there at six. Ok. I'll bring you E and orange juice.
--Bank of America, 6th Ave
Overheard by: CarrieBoo
Bum: Hey... can you spare me $20 dollars, so I can buy some crack cocaine? I mean, I'll share it with you. I have enough for a 10 but I want a chicken head to slob on my knob while I take a hit...
--96th St Subway Station 1,2,3
Overheard by: Franco
Smooth talker: So my ex-girlfriend was a blonde Long Islander cokehead and now here I am with you. So you can see this is a real step down.
--Les Enfants Terrible, Canal & Ludlow
Overheard by: wants to meet the ex
Hipster: You OD'd? WHERE?
--14th & 6th
Bitter ex: And fuck him and his fuckin' wooden leg that I didn't even know he sold crack out of!
--80th & 3rd
Disgusted hipster: I mean, I only do drugs as a joke!
--14th St L station
Overheard by: Em
You're Welcome, Grasshopper
Yuppie woman, bumping into a man: Sorry.
Man: Don't say sorry. This is New York. Nobody says sorry.
Woman: What do you want me to say? Fuck you??
Man: That's better. This is New York. Who says sorry?
Woman: Fuck you.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Young professional's friend
No, I Mean It's Knotted and Smells Like Pot
Suit: Man, this is dreadlocked!
Suit's friend: Um, don't you mean "gridlocked"?
--45th & 9th
Overheard by: Xainthia
So Did He Know That, or Not? Because that Matters
Hipster guy #1: It was ridiculous though, 'cause he had these glasses.
Hipster guy #2: Yeah?
Hipster guy #1: Yeah, and they were so ridiculous. They were nerdy, but not cool nerdy, they were like, ironic nerdy. You know?
Hipster guys #2 & #3: Yeah, totally.
--Laguardia & W 3rd
We May Have Found the Cause
Little girl to mom: I don't feel good.
Mom: Are you irregular? Constipated? Do you have diarrhea? Snot? Boogers? Fungus? Menopause? Post-partum depression? Pre-partum depression?...
Little girl wanders away while mom keeps listing ailments.
--Nathan's, Coney Island
No, I Mean This Guy Who Presses Himself up Against Me
European tourist: I have my spoon!
Table of friends: What?!
European tourist: I have my spoon!
Table of friends: Um...you mean umbrella?
--Hudson Corner Café
Overheard by: Thompson
But I'm No Pussy. Did I Break Anything?
Kid on floor of train, after being kicked by his friend: What? Are we there?
Drunk kid: Yeah, you looked so peaceful, I almost didn't want to kick you.
--PATH train
Sometimes at the Same Time, While Making a Dummy Talk
Tall thug, shaking Pepsi bottle: This shit will kill you. See all that acid and artificial coloring. Stays in your stomach.
Short ghetto chick: Yeah, I know, you're right.
Tall thug: You gotta drink water.
Short ghetto chick: Yeah.
Tall thug: See, me, I smoke a lot of weed and drink a lot of water.
--4 Train, 59th Street
He and the Mattress Giant are Getting Married in Central Park
Male worker: He isn't here today.
Woman worker: But I need him!
Man worker: But Mr. Clean ain't here today!
Woman worker whining: When?
Man worker: Not today!
--Electra Building
Now It Would Be: "I'm Sorry, Our Time Is Up"
Girl: So I'm going to meet her in 20 minutes.
Queer: Ugh, why? She's such a cow. When I came out to her, she was like, "It's always about you, Mike*."
Girl: Yeah, well, I'm sure her reaction would be very different now that she has an MSW.
--Chickpea, St Mark's & 3rd
Overheard by: Dan
She Blames Sex and the City for That, Too
Hyper JAP: So then I was like, "Hey, you can't just sleep with me in your mom's house and then leave, because I don't even know your mom and I don't care if she's away."
Bored JAP: Right?
Hyper JAP: I blame Sex and the City for this.
Guy sitting nearby: Hey, blame it on you being a slut! Damn.
--Starbucks, 38 Park Row
Overheard by: Katelyn
He Should Have Tried For Some Cash, Too
Suburbanite: Excuse me, officer, how do I get to Grand Central?
Bored transit cop: You see that S train over there? Take it 2 stops.
Suburbanite: Thank you!
--Subway Tunnel, Grand Central
No, But She Does Talk Funny When She's Checking Out My Junk
Tipsy chick #1: I just started with a new gynecologist. She has braces; I don't know how I feel about that.
Tipsy chick #2: Why, does she use her mouth?
--White Horse Tavern, Hudson St
Overheard by: C.I.
New York is a Beautiful Woman with an STD; LA is a Beautiful Woman Who's into Astrology
Middle-Aged guy #1: Ted, is that you?! You look great, you're tan, you're thin--what happened?!
Middle-Aged guy #2: I moved to LA last year. I'm just in town for business.
Middle-Aged guy #1: Of course!
--57th & 1st
Overheard by: Pale CT mess
Now I Can Have a Future of Debt and Unnecessary Degrees
Girl #1: Oh my God, why are you joining the GRE crowd?
Girl #2: Um, because I was recently informed that I have no future, and that's actually not a good thing.
--Hunter College Honors Lounge
Overheard by: Hunter College Guy
Does the Dog Ride the Short Bus to Obedience School?
Girl: How is a dog like a hairy retard?
Guy: How is a dog not like a hairy retard?
--92nd between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: B
It Wasn't Worth It
Hipster girl: Get your hands off of me, pervert!
Disheveled non-hipster: I ain't got my hands on you! Since you got to go accusing me, well, shit, might as well be guilty! [Grabs her chest]
--L train, Bedford Ave
Overheard by: Dead Man Walking
After the Performance, the Lollipop Guild Filed Suit Against Him
Older lady: Oh, Dwight, I know! I know!
Older gentleman: Yes, and the costumes looked like they were designed by homosexual children!
Older lady: Haha!! Homosexual children!
Older gentleman: Not even full-grown ones!
--New York City Opera's production of Semele
Overheard by: bisexual opera student
A Muffin AND The Sweetest Compliment Ever. Will You Marry Me?
American girl: Get yourself a fucking muffin and let's go.
British boy: I don't have any cash.
Girl: Use my credit card, I'm leaving now.
Boy: I can't use your card. I don't have your id.
Girl: They don't check, they never check. You look like a woman, you look like a fucking transexual.
Boy: Really?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: johnjoseph bibby
They Reconciled When She Explained She Really Meant Lisa Simpson
Girl #1: I just love Jessica Simpson.
Girl #2: Why the hell did you have to fuck this relationship? I hate her! We can't be friends now.
--19th & 9th
Overheard by: Scott
With This 'Ring', I Thee Wed...
Guy: So how come we can't try butt loving?
Girl: I'm saving it for my husband.
Guy: Are you serious? That's like so...Victorian of you.--Soda Bar, Vanderbilt Ave, Brooklyn
Headline by: axamendes
Runners-Up:
· "Actually, It's More Victor/Victorian." - Faith
· "And Calling It 'Butt Loving' Isn't?" - Ante K
· "Gives New Meaning to 'Do You Have Price Albert in the Can?'" - Lydia
· "I Want a 'Brown Wedding'" - clarence rosario
· "I'll Even Show You My Ankles as I Give You a Rim Job" - sara swank
· "Jane Austen's First Draft: 'Reader, I Butt Loved Him.'" - Sarah
· "Monogamy Is Such a Pain in the Ass" - Karlikitten
· "Next, on the History Channel: Felching During the Reign of King Richard" - Matt
· "Victorians Were So Anal!" - eighty4sapphire
· "Virginity, Fudged" - Sara
· "Yeah, I Know, But It's the Only Thing Left in My Dowry" - ilemanzer
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
In Fact He Has to Black Eyed Pee
Little boy: How come every time you come around, my London, London Bridge...
Father: I told you, I don't like that song. Stop singing it.
Little boy: ...wanna go down, like London, London, London...
Father: If you don't stop singing it, I'll kill you.
Little boy: ...wanna go down, like London, London, London...
Father: That's it, I killed you. You're dead. No one can see you now.
Little boy: I can't be dead. I have to pee.
--Uptown 2 train
Overheard by: Ashwini
That Five-Year-Old is a Thirty-Year-OId Dwarf with a Five-Year-Old Dwarf Baby
Pregnant woman: I'm going to have a little girl, just like you.
Little girl: Oh! How nice for you. You must be very happy.
--Starbucks, 102nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Todd
And the Condoms, Lube, and Enema Kits
Queer #1: This place is terrible.
Queer #2: I know.
Queer #1: I hate Duane Reade.
Queer #2: Yeah, me too.
Queer #1: And yet I love it... it's like an abuse relationship you just can't get over.
Queer #2: Yeah.
Queer #1: Everytime I come in here, I see all these people who are like, I really don't want to be here right now. [Pause. Dionne Warwick is playing.] Must be the music.
--Duane Reade, 14th & 3rd
Overheard by: NYU girl
If My Son Beat Me at Katamari Damacy, I'd Take His Games Away, Too
Little boy: My daddy took my games away.
Mother: Why? Were you being bad?
Little boy: NO! Daddy was being bad; I had to kick his ass!
--A train
Overheard by: Gen
She Thinks All the Jews Come from France
Tourist girl #1: You didn't want to go to the Star, the Times Square or the Roxy... so what are we supposed to eat for lunch?
Tourist girl #2: Well, I don't care, but none of these French food places.
Tourist girl #1: French food?
Tourist girl #2: Yeah, all these places are delicatessens... That's French food!
Tourist girl #1: No, it's like sandwiches and stuff!
Tourist girl#2: Then why don't they just call it a deli?
--Outside the Roxy Deli, Times Square
Overheard by: Laura
He'll Be Happy to Share Some WD-40 Memories with You, Though
Preppy guy #1: I hate geese shit on fields.
Preppy guy #2: It's not so bad. It's a good lubricant for when you slide-tackle people. You know, you just keep sliding...
Preppy guy #3: Dude, I can't remember the last time I jerked off using geese shit. It can't be that good a lubricant!
--Central Park
And It's a Fabulous Way to Augment Your Heterosexual Street Cred
Priest: Even the clergy like Project Runway!
Girl: Oh... um, cool.
--Project Runway event, Prince St
Overheard by: Fudd
I Thought It Was Ba-Dunk-a-Dunkin' Donuts
Thug in cuffs: Yo, da ba-dunk-a-dunk is constimatutionally protected!
Undercover cop: Yes, but this is child pornography.
--Houston & West
Overheard by: Nick Dempsey
Just Because He's Morally Bankrupt Doesn't Mean He Was President
Teen girl #1: Did you watch the men's final on TV last weekend?
Teen girl #2: Yes, I did... those guys were hot!
Teen girl #1: How about Jimmy Connors -- did you see him?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, wasn't he a president or something?
--W train
Overheard by: Pat Merino
You Can Fake the Attitude, Even the Look, But In the End, Either You Have a Horizontal Vagina or You Don't
Dude #1: She's just got this, y'know, Asian air about her.
Dude #2: Yeah?
Dude #1: She's got this, like, totally anime look.
Dude #2: Yeah?
Dude #1: Yeah, but I wish she were really Asian.
--88th & 1st
Overheard by: Beeeej
But Mom, Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle States That If the Velocity of My Ass Is Known Exactly, Nothing Can Be Said About Its Location
Mom: Zacky! Where your ass at?
Small boy: Nowhere.
Mom: Yeah it is!
--Times Square
Yesterday's Poem About Doing Lines with Tara Reid at Bungalow 8 Was Enough Poetry for the Whole Week
Little girl, reading aloud: I went to Malibu. I was talking trash with Tom Collins.
Mom: Baby, I said I don't want to hear your poem today!
--1 train, 137th St
When Clean Is Dirty
Guy: I'm gonna go take a shower.
Girl #1: Yeah, I want to take a shower, too.
Girl #2: Oooh! Me, too!
Girl #1: Let's take a joint shower!
--2 train
Overheard by: already showered
In Fifteen Years, Nothing Else Will Be Remembered About Janet Jackson
Black chick #1: So I got my nipples pierced.
Black chick #2: No way! Let me see!
Black chick #1: Not on the train!
Black chick #2: It's not like I haven't seen them before. Remember at Rashon's party, where you pulled a Janet Jackson?
--Brooklyn bound F train
Overheard by: Scott
Slave Labor Doesn't Hurt the Bottom Line, Either
Drunk black girl: I get mad cheap shit in Chinatown. You can get shit for like ten cents. China knows what's up.
Drunk black guy: Shit. But they are communist and shit.
Drunk black girl: Yeah, but the U.S. is a bunch of idiots. They're like, "We are gonna make shit fuckin' expensive," and China is like, "FUUUCK YOUUU. We are gonna sell shit for like one dollar, and all you stupid white bitches gonna buy it up. Fuuuck youuu."
--N train, 28th St
Health Food Fads: 1, Basic Safety: 0
Lady #1: This stuff is really good. It has antidotes in it. It's good for your skin.
Lady #2: You mean ANTIOXIDANTS. An ANTIDOTE is a short story.
--Barnes & Noble
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