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But We'll Find Out for Sure When the Anime Comes Out
Nerd #1: So, was she hot?
Nerd #2: According to Google Image search, yes.
--Math Building, NYU
Poor Guy. I Didn't Have the Heart to Tell Him He'll Be Dead in Hours
Stand-up comedy promoter: That's right folks! I'm not scary.
Teen girl: Riiight.
Stand-up comedy promoter, screaming after her: I don't bite! I don't have rabies! I took medication, and they said I'd be okay!
--Outside MTV store
It Was the Giving Birth Kind
Actor #1: It wasn't like sex vagina, it was more like--
Actor #2: --There's more than one kind?
--Epiphany
She's a Sex Ed Class Dummy
Queer: Today Daisy totally showed me her vagina!
Girl: She shows everyone her vagina.
--3rd & 6th
Overheard by: zin
The Sisters Are Always Getting Estimates from Burly Tradesmen
Old lady #1: The exterminator. He's an extremely nice man. Isn't he a nice man?
Old lady #2: Yes, he was very nice.
Old lady #1: We should hire him more often.
Old lady #2: Oh, you're so bad.
--B61 bus
Overheard by: aspiring old lady
I Miss More Than I Catch
Hipster girl #1: Wow, how did you get your hair that kind of texture? Looks great.
Hipster girl #2: ... Oral sex.
--Bedford Ave platform
The Plot of Rent, in a Nutshell
NYU kid #1: Man, I'm so over AIDS. I'm sick of people getting it, I'm sick of people spending money on it, and I'm sick of people giving it to other people.
NYU kid #2: Yeah, seriously, fuck AIDS.
--Outside an NYU dorm, University Pl
Kitten: Does Anybody Care That I'm Part Siamese?
Small boy: Mom, I found a kitten!
Mother: Name him Cletus.
Small boy: Cletus, you my only nigga.
--Nokia Theatre
Drop Something and Follow It
Ghetto chick on cell: Yo, I don't be unnastandin' you -- you mus' be talkin' foreign, 'cause you ain't talkin' no American. [Pauses, looking at girl next to her.] Yo, girl, you go to college? 'Cause you looks smart. [Walks away, then stops at top of stairs, asking no one in particular] Yo, which way is down?
--Grand Central
It May Be Time for You to Leave the Temple
Twig #1: I was feeling like a fatty, so I just ate a hard-boiled egg with some flaxseed this morning.
Twig #2: No, I'm a fatty! Was it ground flaxseed?
Twig #1: Of course!
Twig #2: Good girl!
--Starbucks, 114th & Broadway
Close, but No Cigar
NYU guy #1: But wait, doesn't Fidel Castro own the Dallas Mavericks?
NYU guy #2: No, no, you're thinking of Mark Cuban.
NYU guy #1: Oh. What a coincidence.
NYU guy #2: Um, not really.
--Waverly Pl
I'm Considering Getting Out of Sales
Freezing passerby: It's so cold! I wish they sold hot chocolate out here.
Yo-yo purveyor: Yeah... You wanna buy a yo-yo? Ah, that shit won't keep you warm.
--Rockefeller Center
Remember Tilda Swinton in Orlando?
Dude: When I was a little girl...
Chick: What?!
Dude: What? I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
Chick: Which is what?!
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Sarah
West Cider Story
Dude #1: Why is New York called the 'Big Apple'? Maybe it's if you put together the five boroughs on a map, it looks like a very big apple.
Dude #2: Yes, obviously! What else did you think it could have been?
--W 4th St & MacDougal
Overheard by: V
Oh, Watch Out for That Homeless Guy
Dude #1: So, she lied to her parents about what third world country she went to?
Dude #2: Yeah, I guess so.
Dude #1: Wait, where did she really go?
Dude #2: I don't know -- Thailand, Vietnam or Kenya... Somewhere with poor people.
Dude #1: Damn.
--A train
Someone Has to Set Our Gender Back
College girl #1: Yeah, she's afraid to go out anywhere. She always thinks she's going to get raped.
College girl #2: I don't understand the big deal about rape. If it happened to me I'd be like, 'Oh, well, it was bound to happen.'
College girl #3: Haha, you'd probably like it.
College girl #2, nodding: Yeah, I would.
--Elevator in apartment building
Overheard by: Neil
But Now I'm Thinking It Would Be Funny If We Suspended Service
Woman on platform as crowded rush hour train packs full: Is there going to be another train after this one?
Conductor, closing the doors on people: I sure hope so, stupid.
--59th & Lex
Overheard by: Queemys Mommy
Drawing on Familiar Examples Is Just Good Pedagogy
Little boy: Daddy, why did you yell at that man?
Dad: Because he's an asshole! ... Like your brother!
--Penn Station
False Advertising Undermines All Civilization
Thug #1: Yo, when I go to McDonald's I don't just want a fuckin' Number One with a mothafuckin' Coke. I want a Number One, a Coke, and a mothafuckin' smile.
Thug #2: Word.
--Q train platform, Union Square
Overheard by: Audrey Monaco
There's No Room Left on the Cat
Woman: Why was the box of cereal in the bathroom with you this morning?
Man: What else was I gonna write on?
--Manhattan-bound D train
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Gee, I Thought It Was an Easy One
Young Hasidim selling menorahs: Are you Jewish?
Old WASP lady in fur coat, disgusted: What kind of question is that?!
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: Afrocurl
You Can Come to the Front If I Can Pick the Kids
Ragged old black guy with wad of cash in hand, teasing: You gonna let me cut the line, right?
Clerk: Please get on the end of the line.
Ragged old black guy: I'ma buy me that 250-dollar Blue Label up there. You gonna let me get on the front of this line, right?
Clerk: [Ignores him.]
Ragged old black guy: 250 dollars for Blue Label for me to get drunk and run over some kids!
--Liquor store, 23rd & Park
Overheard by: Baby G
It's a Damn Good Thing You Put Out
Ditzy teen: Hey, is the pope Jewish?
Boyfriend: Ummm, no -- why the hell would you think that?
Ditzy teen: Well, he wears that little Jewish thing on his head.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Olivia
Not Any More
Employee pointing to wall: See the fire damage?
Tourist mom: Is this where you stash your weed?
--Cathedral of St. John the Divine
Overheard by: amused priest
I Still Can't Take Her for 18 Hours
Guy: No, I don't wanna see that bitch again.
Girl: Oh, it's not that bad. It's like... You have your arm around me, and you're wearing a bra.
--E 93rd St & Lex
Overheard by: Kerri
What War Movies Have These Kids Been Watching?
11-year-old boy #1 playing with toy gun: You fucked my mom in the ass! [Makes shooting noises, then ducks.]
11-year-old boy #2, nervous, to perplexed passerby: Uhhh, he wasn't talking to you...
--10th & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: ian
And It Was Originally Giving the Finger
Black guy #1: You know that statue, right? You know, the British... The British gaved the Statue of Liberty to New York. The British gaved the statue to America. To commemorate the Civil War. But they don't tell you that. They don't talk about that.
Black guy #2: Yep.
Black guy #1: And you know it was black, when the statue got here. It was black. And it had chains 'round it.
Black guy #2: Yep.
--F train, York St
This Conversation Suggests That the Answer Is 'No'
Dude #1: Do you think retards know they're retarded?
Dude #2: Yeah. I'm sure they're all like, 'This sucks. I'm retarded.'
--East Village
Full of Sound and Fury, Signifying Nothing
Girl #1: Taxi! Taxi! Arrrgh!
Girl #2: Oh, oh, here, it's stopping. Oh, wait, no, it's not.
Girl #3: Did he just honk at us? That was, like, a whirlwind of emotion.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Leslie G.
Would You Like Some Scones with That Gin N' Juice?
Black teen #1: See ya later.
Black teen #2: Cheerio, nigga.
--School, 17th St
Overheard by: John
Zen and the Art of Debauchery
Hipster guy: Ever fuck a black chick?
Buddy: I don't get involved enough with the chicks I fuck to learn details like that.
--Court & Joralemon St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
The Horror. The Horror!
Woman #1: Oooh, child, I know your ass was fucked up from all that drinking!
Woman #2: Hell yeah, you know I was! Shit, I woke up in bed with that mothafuckah again!
Woman #1: Girl, who was it this time?
Woman #2: My fucking husband.
Woman #1: Damn.
--Jay St/Borough Hall train station
Ordinarily I'd Add My Own Cheer
Barista: Soy latte coming up.
Monotone man: Will you make it with holiday cheer?
Barista: Uh... Okay, sure.
Monotone man: I'm a little tired today.
--Starbucks, 114th & Broadway
From Sodom to SoHo
Man #1: I have a book coming out this year, so I'm looking forward to that.
Man #2: Oh, yeah? What's it about?
Man #1: It's an oral history of anal sex.
Man #2: [Silence.]
Man #1: It was a lot of hard work, but it was a real labor of love.
--Locker room, McBurney YMCA, 14th St & 6th Ave
Headline by: Ryan
Runners-Up:
· ""Annals of Anal"" - Janet E.
· "But the Title is a Mouthful" - Meredith
· "It's called 'Talking Out of Your Ass'" - Chris Polubinski
· "Love's Labours Lubed" - CJC
· "Rim & Punishment" - Fru
· "The Mangina Monologues" - bowloftoast
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
A Lot of Buddhists Like That Film for Some Reason
Man in Jews for Jesus t-shirt sits while well-dressed young man across from him unbuttons shirt, takes out black marker, and writes 'Buddhist 4 Mohammed' on his undershirt, standing and aggressively staring down Jew for Jesus.
Buddhist guy: Give me zee money, Lebowski! I fucks you up! We want zee money, Lebowski! Give us zee money or we fucks you up! [Steps to the left, and in a different German accent] Ya, give us zee money, Lebowski. My girlfriend cut off her toe 'cause she thought we would get zee money. Iss not fair.
Jew for Jesus: [Silent, calm.]
Buddhist guy calmly sits back down and buttons his shirt, turning to small Hispanic boy next to him: And that's where babies come from.
--6 train
And Clay Aiken-Gay, Not Oscar Wilde-Gay
Foreigner: What was with those guys in Brokeback Mountain? Are all cowboys dumb?
Girl: They weren't dumb, they were gay.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Sara McGrath
Can't You Just Talk about Klingon Reproduction Like My Other Dates?
Geeky boy: So I downloaded this porn the other day and there was a glitch, so when the guy came he was like, 'Yeah, oh, shit...' Shit, it was hilarious.
Geeky girl: ... Wait, is this a joke?
Geeky boy: Huh? No, it really happened.
Geeky girl, scooting away: God, you're awkward.
--Bus
Overheard by: nina
Wednesday One-Liners Are Like a Dog in Heat
Conductor: Hey, clear the closing doors, bitch.
--8th St
Chick on cell: So, how did your date go? Did she call the police on you this week? ... Did she have you escorted out of her building this week? ... No? Then why did you call me? You just wanted to tell me that? ... Oh, you had a big fight? Was it because she's a crazy bitch?
--225th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Eight-year-old boy to younger kid: If we were in prison you'd be my bitch!
--Hudson & Christopher
Overheard by: Talia
Black man: Went out, got that bitch some food. Bitch was hungry. Got her some food, took her out back, and she sucked my dick. Licked my balls. She's only 21. Gonna marry that bitch.
--34th & 8th
Guy to buddy: No, it actually sucks because she's a selfish bitch. She switched our cell phones because mine vibrates better... So she can get off in her cube.
--Hershey store, Times Square
Dude on cell: Well... Well, there's groups of bitches. There's, like, a group of bitches here... and a group of bitches there.
--Outside bar, 32nd & 4th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: A Lone Bitch
Guy in full yellow suit with matching hat: I don't get this girl. You know what I'm saying, 'cause you know I'm the nicest nigga to a bitch.
--Waiting for the L, Union Square
Wednesday One-Liners Check 'In a Relationship'
Chick on cell: I always end up dating people whose names aren't actually their names.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Woman on cell: There's this guy I think is really hot. He's gained some weight and lost his hair... but in a graceful way. No, no, nothing like that. He's really nice and he's so smart... Well, he drinks a lot.
--Strand Bookstore
Overheard by: MHY
Woman to friend: 2006 was a terrible year, but 2007 is gonna be better... No men in my life! But there's this man at my job, and I'm trying to stay away from him, but I just can't. From the moment I saw him... Whew! One day he said to me, 'Girl, put your hand in my pocket, I got some lunch money in there for you.' And I did it, and... Whew! I said, 'I know what that is... That's no lunch money... Let me feel it again.'
--F train
Overheard by: liza
Man on cell: If I can't get an American Jewish woman to go out with me... then there must be something wrong with American Jewish women!
--45th & 8th
Overheard by: Melanie
British chick to guy: I'm not breaking up with you in that sense...
--49th St, between 9th & 10th Ave
Overheard by: nyamelia
Hipster chick: ... And I'm like, 'I love you.' And he's like, 'Get away from me.' I think he's just afraid of commitment.
--7th Ave
Overheard by: Regina Deorum
Woman to friends: Who needs a boyfriend when you've got a dog who farts?
--Max Brenner, Broadway, between 13th & 14th
Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Had Medical Insurance
Girl on cell, smiling and laughing: Maybe because he's a cripple!
--Pavilion Movie Theater
Overheard by: Jamie F
Running tween girl to friend: I'm going to give you breast cancer, you idiot!
--Times Square
Yuppie woman on cell and pushing empty wheelchair: Honey, guess what? I'm not a paraplegic anymore! No, seriously! Isn't that great?!
--12th & 3rd
Suit on cell: You shouldn't feel bad for the boy who cried uterine trouble.
--A train
Overheard by: Sue
Woman to street vendor: That's the problem with my inverted uterus...
--Prince & Broadway
Overheard by: BT
Genius holding her breath to cure hiccups: Oh my god, I hate the hiccups. I mean, seriously. The hiccups are the most annoying thing ever. Like, if I had the choice of having cancer or the hiccups, I would choose cancer. I mean, I know people who've had cancer, and the hiccups are way more annoying.
--N train
Overheard by: jessica
Jersey chick to friend, after denying deaf panhandler: I mean, if he were missing a limb or something, that would be one thing...
--NJT train from Penn Station
Overheard by: gotta draw the line somewhere
Wednesday One-Liners for Michael Douglas
Gleeful girl to friend: Hey, do you like child trafficking?!
--Union Square
Overheard by: NYCtrippedmyconscience
Hobo sitting on ground cleaning a trumpet, to hot lady passerby: Hey, don't fucking look at me -- I'm too old for you!
--51st & 2nd
Overheard by: Outlaw
20-ish chick on cell: I only fucked that scum-sucking man-whore because my ex was fucking an 18-year-old.
--Bleecker & Broadway
Teacher with group of kids on field trip: It's so hard to find a tall, skinny senior boy.
--C train
Overheard by: ej
Teen girl: Yeah, Renata can totally pull off pedophilia.
--C train
Overheard by: sarah
Wednesday One-Liners for Kings County
Scholar: Brooklyn is the Paris of New York.
--Grand Army Plaza Station, Brooklyn
Overheard by: ivel
Crazy: Fuck Brooklyn! I can pay for Brooklyn on any other day. Yes, that's right -- I'm a black man, and I am not going to Brooklyn. What do you know about that! And you, you're a Jew. I'll still pray for you. Wherever we end up, I'll still pray for you. Fuck all you people. Except you, Jew. I love you.
--L train from 6th Ave to 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Nash Astor
Girl: I just don't like living in Brooklyn. My place is, like, four whole blocks away from Dunkin' Donuts.
--Tenacious D album signing, Virgin Megastore
Guy: Sobriety is my back, I am the camel, and Brooklyn is the straw.
--A/C/E subway platform, Lower West Side
Overheard by: Magaret
Lady: I like the brown eggs more than the white. Well, I have 12 at home in my fridge -- it's like Brooklyn in there.
--15th St & Union Square West
Wednesday One-Liners Watch Oz
Woman to friend: It just wasn't what they imagined when they dreamed of going to jail.
--5th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: MK
LA bimbette to another: I think, like, everyone I know has been arrested. I mean, like, who hasn't been charged with a drunk and disorderly at least once?
--R train
Chick to friend: Yeah, he got a lot of gold chains, but that's an investment... That's bail.
--Bus, Port Authority
Guy leaving subway: Hey, baby, I'm home! One more day and I'm not in jail!
--Subway entrance, 125th St
Overheard by: Leaving Harlem
Teen thug: Man, I never had to spend Valentine's Day with my mom... If her boyfriend wasn't in jail she wouldn't be bothering me.
--Eastern Pkwy Library
Chick to boyfriend: So, that's what you learned in prison?
--Central Park
Wednesday One-Liners by Victoria
Puerto Rican girl to another: I never dated a white guy, 'cause they got bad taste in underwear.
--Subway station, Times Square
Overheard by: Mama
Chick: ... So I was dancing in the kitchen in my underwear and I looked out the window and the orthodox Yeshiva student guy that lives across the building from me was just staring open-mouthed. I'm never gonna open the curtains in the kitchen again.
--181st St
Overheard by: LSB
Mother to toddler son: Now, honey, close your eyes. This isn't for you.
--Frederick's of Hollywood, King's Plaza
Queer: I totally go out of my way to wear edible thongs to work.
--Library Bar, Houston & Ave A
Overheard by: Rachel W.
Teen girl quickly descending staircase: I didn't wear a bra again today. My boobs are bouncing down these stairs!
--Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island
Suit on cell: Well, I mean, I have thongs... But I really don't consider those underwear...
--W 4th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Laura
Wednesday One-Liners Got a Norplant When They Turned 11
Girl: Promiscuity is turning out to be a lot more work than I thought it would be.
--Columbia bookstore
Drunken hobo singing: Jesus loves me! Jesus supports me! [Turning to two NYU girls] Jesus doesn't support you! [Chuckles] Whores!
--LaGuardia & W 3rd
Overheard by: TheBrit
Professor: Monogamy is depressing. When you get married you can only have sex with one person for the rest of your life. I've been married for 25 years, and I was on Prozac by year two. Female promiscuity is frowned upon in nearly all cultures. Dammit!
--Fordham University
Girl on cell: Oh my god! That is so funny! Wait, is she a slut? It would be so much funnier if she was a slut... Oh. Never mind.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Cassie
Bubbly high school chick: ... And I didn't know, so I just opened my legs...
--Astor Pl
Homeless man yelling at passersby: Can any of you spare a nickel in the name of alcoholic beverages? Or maybe a loose woman or two?!
--7th & Ave A
Overheard by: you gotta respect the honesty
Dad to little girl: Okay, honey, now how do we spell 'whore'? Remember, sound it out...
--Penn Station
High Colonic Wednesday One-Liners
Scruffy man to scruffy friend: ... And then I stuck my thumb up her ass for some grip. Like a bowling ball!
--34th & 6th
Overheard by: Jared
Male student to two friends: No, they literally put it in your ass!
--51st & Broadway
Overheard by: tin steve
Bilingual hipster skank on cell: ... So I was like, 'I don't care if it is my shit -- you were the one who wanted to order the flan and you were the one who wanted to put it up where it doesn't belong! Exit only! Flan exit only! No entrada por nada!' ... No, we just slept on the floor and left it all for housekeeping...