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Although a Kiss on the Hand Can Be Quite Continental
Queer on cell: Should I decorate my balls with diamonds?
Random passerby: Yeah!
--Broadway
Overheard by: K the Bomb
I Wish I'd Gotten a Chance to See Where My Ancestors Were Tortured, When I Was a Girl!
Daughter: Yeah, we really wanna do the summer program in Germany.
Mom: Germany? Isn't it weird that a Jewish school has a program in Germany, where the Nazis are?
Daughter: [Silence.]
Friend: Well, they take you on tours of the concentration camps...
Mom: Oh, that's why they have it in Germany!
--Macy's
Unregistered and Looking for Fun
Chick #1: You're a sadist!
Chick #2: Yeah, but I'm a nice sadist! I'm like the friendly neighborhood sadist.
--Starbucks
Hmmm... Now I'm Feeling a Little Better
NYU girl: ... So I, like, know that I got half of the questions right.
NYU guy: So, what about the other 20 percent?
--Queens-bound N train
Overheard by: ADC
Just Send Me a Text
Brooklyn guy #1: Let me tell you something...
Brooklyn guy #2: No, don't even bother.
--B100 bus, Marine Park
Overheard by: vaughn
Charlton Heston: Bitch Soup Is People!
Middle-aged black dude #1: I wanted to take Shaquan for the weekend, and you know what that bitch told me? She said she was taking him to his grandmother's house!
Middle-aged black dude #2: Man, what's with that woman? She don't let you see your kids!
Middle-aged black dude #1: His grandmother don't need to see him. She's too old to see, anyway! I ain't seen Shaquan since Ju-ly! That's fucked up. I should kill that bitch.
Old Asian lady walks through the train selling noisemakers and batteries.
Middle-aged black dude #1: And why is it when I'm selling bootleg DVDs in a primarily black neighborhood, all the police see is me? When I'm around all black people! But don't nobody say nothin' when this Asian chick sells this junk. Then I'm in jail and this bitch is selling. Then they tell me, 'You can't get out until you pay.' How I'ma make money if I'm in jail, fool?
Middle-aged black dude #2: Heh heh heh. Right, right. But fo' real, though, you should kill that bitch!
Middle-aged black dude #1: For real. I should. Shit's fucked up. I don't care about her pussy -- I can get another pussy. 'Scuse my language. No offense, ladies. I can get another bitch to fuck, but that's my kid! I'ma kill that bitch. I'ma chop her up! I used to be a butcher, man. I'ma chop her up. Make bitch soup! And sell it to the homeless.
--A train
Overheard by: Melody SW
Nicely Deflected!
Dude #1: So, what's the verdict with you two?
Girl: Verdict? Huh?
Dude #1: You know -- what's the verdict?
Dude #2: He wants to know what's up between you and me.
Girl: Oh. Verdict. That's an awfully big word.
--Flatbush-bound 2 train
Overheard by: Sonia
Unfortunately, the Crime Scene Had Already Been Thoroughly Dusted
Young woman: You felt me up while I was asleep!
Lying man: How do you know, if you were asleep?
Young woman: You stuck your fingers in my pussy while I was asleep!
Lying man: Why would I do that? There's nothing in there that I was looking for.
Lying man's lawyer: Come on, don't argue with her.
Young woman: If they find your fingerprints in my pussy you're going to jail, motherfucker!
Lying man, taunting: What if I wore gloves?
Young woman: Hear that? He confessed!
--Hallway, Supreme Court, Bronx
Overheard by: Big Larry
Not a Good One, Though
Brooklyn guy: Cute kid you got there. How old is he?
Short-haired mom: She is 20 months.
Brooklyn guy: Oh, 'she.' Sorry, I didn't realize...
Short-haired mom: That's because gender is performance.
Brooklyn guy: [Sips coffee.]
--Vox Pop, Cortelyou Rd
Overheard by: the nearby barista
Although We All Start Out That Way
Biotech #1: He hired this blonde girl from Chicago... with pageant hair!
Biotech #2: Ew. Pageant hair? Hello, this is New York City. We aren't blonde, and we aren't perky!
--6 train
Stupid Dyslexia
Guy: You know what? Fuck you! F-C-U... Goddammit.
Girl: That's right, dumbass!
--Lincoln Center
Overheard by: laughing my ass off
And I'm Not Going to Explain Why Urban Outfitter-Wearing Motherfuckers Are Sellouts to a 30-Year-Old
Tween girl #1: That's a girl's shirt!
Guy in light blue shirt with pink flower on the back that says 'Mom's Weekend '04': No, it's not. It's a man's shirt.
Tween girl #2: No, that's a girl's shirt you have on.
Guy: I'm not going to explain irony to a 12-year-old.
--Target, Queens
Overheard by: Oh, Queens
Ah, the City of Lights
Bimbette: So, where you going for winter break?
Idiot dude: Switzerland.
Bimbette: Oh, cool, cool... What do they speak there, again?
Idiot dude: I dunno...
Bimbette: Hmmm... Dutch?
Idiot dude: Yeah, yeah, Dutch!
--78th St, between Park & Madison
Overheard by: dont speak ever again
The Guy with the Long Arms?
Guy with long dreadlocks: Why you keep bothering me, man? Why can't you just go away?
Guy with short dreadlocks: Why don't you tell your mama to go away?
Guy with long dreadlocks: Awww, man, why you gotta bring my mama into this?! [To woman in ticket booth] Hey, lady! Woman! Call the law, man!
Woman in ticket booth: Excuse me?
Guy with long dreadlocks: The law, man! Call the law!
--In front of ticket machines, Union Station
Overheard by: didn't want to get involved
Well, 'Hotel' Means 'Bar' and 'Girls' Means 'Boys'
Queer #1 on cell: Hey, Dad! Yeah, I'm at the hotel in Midtown right now... Yep, it's just me... I think a couple of girls are coming over later... Haha, yeah, you know how I roll with them. I'll talk to you later, Dad [hangs up].
Queer #2: Liar, liar, pants on fire!
--Broadway & Broome
Overheard by: django
It's Like Pasta, Kid -- Same Stuff, Different Shapes
Four-year-old #1 holding out a gummy snack: Is this a Pygmy Marmoset?
Four-year-old #2: That's a elephant!
Four-year-old #2's mom: It's an elephant.
Four-year-old #1: Ugh. I wanted a Pygmy Marmoset.
--Metro-North to Grand Central
Just Another Five Minutes, Mom
Woman tapping bum who passes out leaning against newly-arrived train: Excuse me, sir... Sir! You're leaning against the train and it's about to leave!
Bum: Oh! Huh? Thank you.
Woman: Excuse me, sir? You're still on the train... Get off of that train, you fucking bum!
Bum: Yes ma'am!
--Downtown 6 platform, Grand Central
Overheard by: off white
10 Bucks Says This Is a Behavioral Science Experiment
Two moms enter with two sleepy 12-year-old girls and a 14-year-old boy.
Mom #1 to boy: Hey! Do that dance! Do your dance and ask everyone for money! Come on, get some change! [Boy sits next to a reading girl and leans on her.] Don't you want money? Ask that girl for some money! Oh, hey, did I tell you the best thing about prison? They let you smoke up in there.
Girl #1: Weed?
Mom #2: The trick is getting friendly with the guards. You can't just do it any time you want.
Mom #1: That's right, because you gotta get a job in prison. I got three jobs. Hey! What's that girl got? What's she got? Hey, find out what's she got!
Boy: Book! Hey. Book!
Mom #1: Book! Haha! You know what you need, son, is pussy. White pussy. White pussy that knows how to read. She'll take care of you so you can do your business.
Old man enters train, looks at seat next to girls: Can I sit here?
Girl #2: Uh, no.
Mom #2: Move your fucking ass, you lazy fucking piece of shit! No manners -- my kids got no manners.
--F train from Queens to Brooklyn
Overheard by: Reading girl
This Is One Family You Don't Walk Away From
Little girl: Sat-ur-day, Sat-ur-day, Sat-ur-day... I'm going to blow your head off.
Dad: Yeah?
--34th & 9th
Overheard by: Kevin Frost
Didn't I Warn You to Stay Away from the Kennedys?
Jewish chick #1: ... So basically what you're saying is, you got drunk, went to his apartment, and he raped you?
Jewish chick #2: I guess, technically, yeah. But he was totally hot and his apartment was amazing, so whatever.
--H&M, Soho
Overheard by: lc
At the Bad Date Semifinals
Preppy girl with Starbucks cup: That was some shitty-ass coffee.
Preppy guy: Speaking of shitty, Cap'n Nemo's got nothin' on me. I shat a white whale in there. It was two feet long and, I'm tellin' you, it was white! Like, white and one solid length! Took it first try, though. They have good toilets.
--PATH, Christopher St station
Overheard by: Zenana
Wait, So Where Are We, Again?
Chick #1: Which one of these countries does not border Argentina? Brazil, Uruguay, Peru, or Bolivia?
Chick #2: Peru, duh.
Chick #3: Obviously. [Makes note on paper, reading aloud] Peru, Europe.
Chick #2: Peru's not in Europe, dude.
Chick #3: No, no, because all the other countries are in South America, the reason Peru isn't connected is because it's in Europe!
--NYU
But Let's Not Talk about Eggs, Okay?
40-ish woman: I'm probably just being overly sensitive, but I feel like people are looking at us when we're together and wondering why I'm so much older...
20-ish guy: You shouldn't let it get to you. Look, you're not an egg salad sandwich -- you're not going to go bad after a certain date.
40-ish woman: That's a beautiful thing to say.
20-ish guy: Yes, I'm quite a catch! You should be enjoying it more and worrying less!
--Barnes & Noble, Astor Pl
Ummm, Yeah... So, Same Sentiment, Switch Boy for Girl
Drunk girl: Happy New Year!
Long-haired child: Happy New Year!
Drunk girl: What's your name?
Long-haired child: Slater.
Drunk girl: Slayer?
Long-haired child: Slate-er.
Drunk girl: That's a beautiful name for a beautiful girl.
Long-haired child: I'm a boy.
--W 113th St
Maps Only Work When You Know Where You Are
Tourist lady #1 looking at map: I don't get it. I don't see Rockefeller Center. Where's the tree?
Tourist lady #2: I don't know. Do you just want to try and find Times Square instead?
--Times Square
Yeah, I Love Trenton in the Springtime
Chick #1: I can't wait to hang out next semester!
Chick #2: Oh, I won't be here.
Chick #1: Where are you going?
Chick #2: Dude, I'll be in Paris for spring semester.
Chick #1: What? Who from Jersey goes to Paris?
Chick #2: Hello, Liz from Jersey.
Chick #1: Dude, you're gonna miss Jersey so much!
Chick #2: I know.
Chick #1: Yeah, Paris is so lame. You so shouldn't go.
--Columbia University
In One Case, Thousands of Greek Soldiers
Puerto Rican teen #1: That's nothing. I seen a horse give birth on the TV. That baby horse just come outta the big horse butt all slimy and shit.
Puerto Rican teen #2: Oh, snap?
Puerto Rican teen #1: For real, yo. That's some big stuff comin' outta your butt if you're a horse and shit...
--14th St, between Ave A & Ave B
I Can Afford to Be
Chick #1: I don't want to hook up with her again.
Chick #2: Why?
Chick #1: I don't like her eyebrows. They're too bushy. Is that bad? I'm picky.
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: Justin
Don't Embarrass Me, Okay?
Mom: So, is Alex Rodriguez black or Hispanic?
Boy: He's married.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Bobby
Clearly, I'm Hanging Out in the Wrong Places
Bimbette #1: Oh my god, shamans are, like, so in right now!
Bimbette #2: Really?!
Bimbette #1: Yeah! Like, every day I wake up and it's like, shaman-this and shaman-that.
--50th & 6th
And I Wanted Him to Shave Me
Guy: You bought your boyfriend swords?
Girl: We had just started going out.
--NY Comic Con, Javits Center
Overheard by: Kevin Frost
Absolutely Nothing -- But It Was the Way I Said It
College guy: Cannibal fetus appendix fucker!
Thug: Who are you callin' a can-- What the fuck was it you said?
--R train
It's More of a Character Immersion Technique
Frustrated boyfriend: Stop acting stupid!
Frantic girlfriend: I'm not acting!
--A train
Overheard by: SarahJ
Some Telemarketers Will Try Anything
Crazy guy: Have you ever sniffed some good ass?
Suit: Huh?
Crazy guy: Have you ever smelled some really good asshole?
Suit: I would say... yes, I have. But I don't really want to discuss it with you, okay?
--E 42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Big Larry
Headline by: space coyote
Runners-Up:
· "It's Between Me and My Mother" - King of the Jews
· "It's really more a question of taste..." - Rusty
· "Not now, Dad." - again.
· "Wall Street's Don't Sniff and Tell policy" - Ceetar
· "What Happens at an HMO-covered Therapy Session" - Barry Negrin
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Hate Performance Reviews
Teacher #1: We could videotape each other.
Teacher #2: And then we could put different names on them.
--Teacher's lounge
Because Harlem Is Lovely This Time of Year
Student: What's the closest subway station that will get us to the Bronx?
Hotel worker: Are you sure that's where you wanna get?
--Radisson Hotel
This Is How They Recruit
Tourist, after receiving directions: Thanks! Very good hotdogs!
Hotdog vender: Same to you!
--W 57th & 6th
Overheard by: Meredith W
Wednesday One-Liners Throw Their Pennies Down the Well
Dude: Man, I wish I had a doorknob.
--34th & 8th
Hustler on cell: I just wish you wasn't being all one-track-mind-your-own-business about this.
--Chinatown
Hobo: Can anybody help a disabled Navy veteran get something to eat? If you help me buy a sandwich, you'll get a 2007 Zagat for half price. [A suit gives him money but declines the Zagat.] Okay, but I really wish someone would buy the Zagat.
--4 train
Overheard by: Fagat
Guy on cell: You just wish you were my baby's mama!
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Elizabeth
Hipster: ... So he said, 'I wish Jesus was alive now. I'd invite him to join MySpace.com and I'd force him to be my friend.'
--Q train crossing the East River
Overheard by: Beth Smith
Wednesday One-Liners Get Acculturated
TA: Is anyone in here Canadian? Good. I didn't want to offend anyone.
--NYU
Woman with thick German accent about people with thick Indian accents: You can't understand anything these people say because of their accents!
--LaGuardia airport
Overheard by: Lolo
Girl on cell: They are Mexicans dressed up as soccer moms in minivans dressed up as dirty Mexicans, and on the back of their minivans they have a Mexican flag and a bumper sticker that says, 'Cross country is my favorite sport'!
--Train from Secaucus to Penn Station
Overheard by: uulovesuu
Foreign street vendor to another: If you kill a German, it's different.
--Prince & Greene St
Shocked waiter to very smug waiter: Whoa! You're even more expensive than a Russian girlfriend!
--Bread restaurant, Prince St
Overheard by: Sheila Michaels
Wednesday One-Liners Have Certain Reservations
Ugly chick: Donovan's is a restaurant suggestion, not an invitation to my pussy!
--Bar
Overheard by: kathy
Dude to friends: When I go out to eat it's usually, like, places where I can take off all my clothes.
--Brunch, Renaissance Diner
Overheard by: ctoe
Chatty woman in robe: And I thought, this would never happen in New York. In New York you would call and they would say, 'If you can't find our restaurant, you're too stupid to eat here.'
--Bliss Spa, E 57th St
Short black teen: Yo, once I was in this fancy restaurant, and pâté was on the menu, and my friend said, 'Yo, what the hell is pate?' I was like, 'That's pâté, negro!'
--16th & 1st
Overheard by: A laughing classmate
Uptown bimbette: I read about this place. It's George Clooney's new restaurant.
--Café Cluny, W 4th St & W 12th St
Overheard by: Pugparents
Wednesday One-Liners Were Told There Was No Such Thing As a Stupid Question
CSR on phone: Yoko, I need someone to speak Chinese to a customer... What do you mean you only speak Japanese? Aren't they the same?
--Citibank, Rockefeller Plaza
Blonde girl: Are we in a tunnel?
--Tour bus, Lincoln Tunnel
Overheard by: Adriane S
Temp: Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in Europe?
--Mailroom, PR firm
HS girl: The directions say go West. So I guess that means go left. Does West always mean left?
--1/9 train, 14th St
Overheard by: LA Law Girl
Girl on line for ice rink: Ummm, so, is it heated in there?
--Outdoor skating rink, Bryant Park
Overheard by: R&S
NYU girl: What language do they speak in Russia?
--Hayden Residence Hall, Washington Sq
Scholar: Is the West Fourth Street on the East side or the West side?
--6 train, 86th St
Wednesday One-Liners Pick Up Boys in the Frozen Food Aisle
Poli-Sci professor: ... And the FCC makes rulings so that you can't show nipples at the Super Bowl.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl
Girl: Wouldn't it be weird to kill someone using only your nipples?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Argopelter
Tan chick: I don't want those black bitches looking at my nipples.
--L train
20-ish broad: I just don't think the tassles are big enough to fit over my nipples.
--Momofuku Ssam Bar, 13th & 2nd
Overheard by: McFreaky
Ghetto dude rapping to friends: Yo, the hash balls there are bigger than your girl's nipples!
--E 4th St & Ave A
Overheard by: punkee
Nerd: My nipples are so hard they could pick a lock.
--Javits Center
Overheard by: Allisa
Sorostitute: Tonight would have been so much better if my nipple hadn't exploded.
--Marriott, Times Square
If Wednesday One-Liners Did It
Woman on cell: Are you really surprised that Marcus turned out to be a serial killer?
--Times Square
Overheard by: shex
College dude on cell: No, the entire male species is going to die, remember?
--Times Square
Overheard by: glad i'm a girl.
Aviator-wearing rocker wannabe: Dude, seriously, think about it. Why aren't there more serial killers?!
--Union Square West at 16th St
Guy: You know, I pray for the days when I find bodies...
--Lorimer St & Metropolitan Ave
Columbia newspaper reporter: Dude, you can't just kill one person and be a serial killer. You have to work up to being a serial killer.
--Columbia Spectator Office
Overheard by: And you know from experience?
Cashier to friend: Yeah, there's this couple that comes in every week and rents serial killer movies.
--Brooklyn Video Rental Store
Overheard by: tiff
Conductor: Thank you for riding MTA, and remember to smile. You'll confuse the people who want to kill you!
--L train
Overheard by: Paige
Norman Rockwell's Wednesday One-Liners
Dude: Well, it would be really nice if I could sleep with your sister.
--Washington Sq South
White girl: Well, if I'm so white, why do I have an uncle named Juan?!
--Hunter College
Scandinavian-looking girl: My mama has brothers who were Nazis. That's why we don't talk to them anymore. Oh, and because they're dead, too.
--Bloomingdales
Girl crying and pleading with bouncer after he took her fake ID: But I need that back! It's my sister's, and she's dead!
--Union Bar, Park Ave South
Overheard by: BOB Sled
Loud black chick on cell: Yo, mom, I'm gonna fuck your daughter up!
--H&M, Herald Square
Overheard by: Limey
Chick: I told her if she don't sign it, I'm gonna dig Daddy up and set him on her porch.
--18th & Park
Overheard by: Tony Jones
Woman on cell: Do we have a conscious grandmother or an unconscious grandmother? ... Oh, goood!
--Macy's
Overheard by: white_on_white
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Feel Their Fingers
Hobo: Get your snowball here! 20 bucks for a snowball! You won't find another one of these for miles!
--43rd & Broadway
Trendy young woman: So, I went out to walk the dog this morning and was like, 'What is this shit falling from the sky? First it was that funky smell from Jersey, now crap falling from the sky.' Then I realized it was snowing.
--Midtown
Overheard by: Nic
Old lady to cat she's pushing in stroller: It's fucking cold out here!
--Stuyvesant Town, 18th & 1st
Overheard by: Caroline
Incredulous drunk guy with large snowball: Man, I wish this was cocaine.