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They're Both Looking to Trade Up
Girlfriend: Wait, so they're engaged?
Boyfriend: They're engaged... in the Murray Hill sense.
--Duane Reade, 33rd & 3rd
Overheard by: mb
This Is Just Like the Time at That Funeral
Mid-30s male: I thought that we would see more chicks in this place...
Mid-50s male: Yeah! I mean, this is, like, a total sausage-fest in here.
Mid-30s male: Look at that slut over there. You could see her fucking nipples from a mile away.
Mid-50s male: I can't see shit. Where's my fucking glasses when I need them?
--MoMA
Overheard by: Wow! Where are the women
You Leave Your Death Stars Exposed
Child #1: ... Make you join the dark side.
Field trip chaperone: And what exactly is the dark side, Christopher?
Child #1: It's Darth Vader.
Child #2: No, it ain't! The dark side is when you're wearing basketball shorts and nothing underneath.
--Crowded 6 train
Overheard by: Tea
She Was Totally Wearing Panties When She Got Out of That Cab
Man #1: So was that her?
Man #2, returning from following Tara Reid: That was definitely her.
Man #1: She wasn't as slutty as I'd hoped.
Man #2: I know. She's starting to look more and more like Will Ferrell.
--53rd & 5th
But It's Easier to Keep Having Abortions Than to Think about It
Tall brunette: No -- ovulating! There's a difference between menstruating and ovulating.
Short brunette: I still don't get it.
--Olive Garden
But Now I Won't Let You Use It
Dude #1: Can I borrow your box cutter?
Dude #2: Oh, 'cause I'm a Puerto Rican I must have a box cutter?
Dude #1: Do you?
Dude #2: Well, yeah.
--25th & Broadway
Overheard by: Schatzie
Or Have to Bail You Out of Jail Again
Female student: I'm going to Acapulco for spring break!
Classmate: Wow, you're going to have so much fun! Don't drink too much!
Professor: Yeah, I'd better not see you on the Internet the next morning.
--NYU
Oh, No! You Didn't Dis the Hat!
Crazy dancing Jewish man: Hey, are you Jewish? Are you? Hey, I can tell you are! You look so Jewish! I know you are!
Woman: Why? Just because I have a fat ass and a big diamond ring? Fuck you and your big hat.
--14th St, in front of Purim Truck
Not with That Shampoo in Your Travel Bags, You Can't
Small group of tourist kids singing loudly: I believe I can fly... I believe I can touch the sky...
Mom: That's what you think!
--74th & Broadway
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
I Learned How to Stand on a Corner and Pass Out Peepshow Flyers All by Myself
Latino trying to hawk a CD and pawn it to a latina: So, this isn't my real job. I'm just doing this shit for fun.
Latina: Oh, what do you do?
Latino: ... I'm in, like, marketing and advertising. Real professional shit.
Latina: Oooh, did you go to college?
Latino: Nah, I was already good at it.
--Flushing-bound 7 train
Overheard by: had to get an MBA to get good at it
Also Dead People
Guy #1: I love making fun of the Amish online.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: Because they'll never know.
--25th & 3rd
Overheard by: Keegan
None of Those Hand-Me-Down Genes for Me
Asian nerd #1: ... Of course, 'cause I'd rather all of them have my DNA and not some other random person's!
Asian nerd #2: No, of course, dude, I totally agree.
--NYU
Anytime I See a White Boy with a Banjo, I Melt
Ghetto girl #1: I love guys that can saaang!
Ghetto girl #2: Yeah, me too. They be marinatin' you. That shit's mad sexy.
Ghetto girl #1: Marinate? The fuck?! You mean 'serenate.' You's a stupid-ass bitch!
--G train, Clinton-Washington station
Overheard by: all up in your grill
Strictly Finger Food
Woman #1: Wait, it had to be at least six inches, right?
Woman #2: Six inches?! Six inches?! Puh-lease... I wish! I could work with six inches. Hell, give me six inches, I could make balloon animals with that. Nah -- this was more like two.
--95th & Broadway
And Many Mojitos
Queer #1: Do you think you could kill a man?
Queer #2: Yes, but it would take weeks.
--Cafe, Greenwich Village
Overheard by: Don't ask, don't tell
Mare: Are You in Yet, Puny Human?
Outdoorsy woman: I raise horses on our farm in Kentucky.
Guy: Yeah? I saw this program on the Discovery Channel about artificially inseminating horses.
Outdoorsy woman: We do it the natural way.
Guy: Why do they do artificial insemination?
Outdoorsy woman: So that the stallion doesn't have to travel. Also, you can inseminate numerous mares with one ejaculation.
Guy: I saw this guy stick his arm all the way up into the mare to inseminate her.
Outdoorsy woman: How did you like the size of the cock on the stallion?
Guy: Are you kidding? I want a transplant.
Waitress: Would you like to hear our specials tonight?
--Outback Steak House
Overheard by: Big Larry
As Soon As He Mentioned the Early Release Program
Rocker guy: I saw your dad on the news a couple weeks ago.
Cute girl: Yeah?
Rocker guy: Yeah. He was at the Capitol lobbying for increased funding.
Cute girl: Oh, for the youth detention center, right.
Rocker guy: I was masturbating at the time.
Cute girl, laughing: Are you fucking serious?!
Rocker guy: Yeah. I came immediately.
--Mikey's Bar, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rachael
I'm Also Starting to Suspect She's Robin Williams in Drag
Rich blonde: So, how's it going with the nanny?
Rich brunette: I don't know. I'm thinking of firing her.
Rich blonde: Oh my god! Why?
Rich brunette: She says she's identical twins with her sister, and they're totally not identical.
Rich blonde: Yeah, that's beyond annoying.
--Sushi Seki
Overheard by: Meredith
Your Place Is Clean, Right?
Brunette: So, did you tell your mom yet?
Blonde: Yeah, my boyfriend was actually more upset about it than she was. She's really laid-back.
Brunette: That's good.
Blonde: Yeah, she said as long as I went to a nice, clean place to get it done, she's happy.
--6 train
Overheard by: Allicat
Mommy's Not Done Tucking, Honey
Little girl singing in stall: It's okay that Mommy is a man, Mommy is a man, Mommy is a man! It's okay that...
Mom: Brooke! Jesus Christ!
Little girl: Oh, Mommy is a man la la la la la! Can we get tacos?
--Restroom, MoMA
Overheard by: ChaChaCha
See -- It Has a Yarmulke on Top
Tourist #1: Oooh, what's that?
Tourists #1 and #2 simultaneously: A synagogue!
--St. Bart's, 50th & Park
Overheard by: former Episcopalian
I Take Drugs to Forget
Columbia student #1: It's funny how many kids do coke at this school... Actually, it's disgusting.
Columbia student #2: Wait, but you just bought an eightball a few hours ago.
Columbia student #1: Oh, yeah.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: keith smith
Staying Me from the Swift Completion of My Demented Rounds
Train begins moving, but stops abruptly.
Crazy lady: Oh no. Uh-uh. Damn. [Sticks head out door] You people getting on or off? This silly shit's gotta stop.
Concerned woman: A gentleman up there has just had a heart attack.
Crazy lady: I'm sure he did. Uh-huh. I'm sure that's it. Always gotta be some bullshit.
--1 train, Canal St
Another Bamboozling Overheard
Girl #1: Why do they have them?
Girl #2: Because pandas are so Asian!
--1st & 1st
As in Religion, Everything You Do Will Be Wrong
Tourist: Where do we get the Uptown A?
Local: Right here. Down those stairs.
Tourist: But is it Uptown? The sign doesn't say 'Uptown' or 'Downtown.'
Local: You can get them both here.
Tourist: But we need Uptown. How will we know it's there if there's no sign?
Local: Blind faith, I guess.
Tourist: I think we should take a cab.
--Outside W 4th St subway
Two Kamikaze Shots and a Marlboro Light
Male coworker #1: ... So she made 25 thousand dollars just for showing her tits.
Flashy blonde coworker pointing to her chest: Hey, for 25 thousand dollars they can have these tits.
Male coworker #2: How much just to look at 'em?
--Smith & Wollensky's restaurant
Overheard by: Big Larry
Thanks, Charles Atlas!
Ghetto girl #1: Girl! I ain't seen you in forever!
Ghetto girl #2: Yeah! How ya been?
Ghetto girl #1 pointing to her ass: Look! Mmm!
Ghetto girl #2: Huh?
Ghetto girl #1: Last time you saw me I ain't got no ass! Now... I got an ass!
Ghetto girl #2: Ohhh! Bye!
--35th & 8th
Overheard by: Dan
Think of the Years I Wasted Being Kind to Food
White guy: Are you enjoying your apostasy burger?
Indian guy: Yeah.
White guy: So, what -- sins only count if you commit them in India?
Indian guy: That's why I love America.
--Burger King, Union Tpke
At Least I Got a Good Wanding
Man: Wow, you sure travel light.
Lady suit carrying only a laptop case and purse: Yeah, that's what happens when they fucking lose your luggage.
--Taxi line, JFK
I've Never Felt So Free As When I Was Oppressing People
Chick: Did you see that bumper sticker?
Dude: Which one?
Chick: It said, 'None are free when others are oppressed.'
Dude, annoyed: That makes no sense whatsoever.
--33rd & 9th
Overheard by: Ben
I Really Need a Better Test
Dude #1: What happened?
Dude #2: I wiped my face with it and didn't smell like piss.
Dude #1: Oh. Okay then.
--Crowded Brooklyn-bound L train
Overheard by: budgetmoon
Consider Yourself Warned
Middle school boy: Yo, you ever seen that show Sex and the City on HBO?
Three friends: No.
Middle school boy: I thought there'd be mad sex on it. There wasn't any! They should call that show 'White Bitches Talking.'
--Brooklyn Middle School
I'd Love to Be Able to Touch a Boob at Some Point in My Life
Girlfriend: Check it out. It's an ancient sea cow.
Boyfriend: Whoa. If it's a cow, can you milk it?
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Ms. Hazard
I'm Saving It for Marriage
Barista: Would you like to try a cappuccino muffin?
Customer: No, thanks. I don't want to start my appetite yet.
--Starbucks, 45th & Broadway
Overheard by: Cat
Headline by: Mandaliet
Runners-Up:
· "And i don't want to have to shove this down your fucking throat, but i will if... Whoa... Too much soft jazz, if you know what i mean... Sorry." - Mike Chmiel
· "Its Bad Enough My Lungs Keep Breathing" - Chuckie
· "Stomach: Let's Get Ready To Rummmmmmmble!" - Paul K.
· "The first step is admitting you have an appetite." - greg
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Best Thing for Getting the Taste Out
Woman #1: My throat hurts. I guess I need another beer.
Woman #2: Mine too. Good idea.
--72nd & Central Park West
Overheard by: A. Pincus
A Real New Yorker Would've Said No
Drunk lady: Excuse me, does this train go to Grand Central?
Guy departing train: Yeah.
--6 platform, Grand Central
Overheard by: maybe i should have said something...
He Left His Wife for Tap and Never Looked Back
Guy #1: He hates women.
Guy #2: So he's a misogynist?
Guy #1: No, he's a choreographer.
--57th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Call Their Bookies
Man on cell: Okay, so do we want to make a girl or a boy tonight? 'Cause if we want to make a boy I have to go get my football gear out of my mom's attic. Do I actually have to hold the football the whole time or just for a little bit?
--34th & 2nd
Dude: You know what? I'm just going to drop out of college and play baseball, 'cause I've always wanted to play for the NBA!
--SJU baseball field
Overheard by: rach boogie
Hipster: If baseball was a person, you would be racist.
--L train
Overheard by: Aidan
Man: I have reffed more basketball games this season than you have underpants.
--55th & 7th
Overheard by: Caroline
Conductor: This is Willets Point-Shea Stadium... Home of, y'know, that other team.
--Flushing-bound 7 train
Young child at end of show: Is it halftime yet?
--Radio City Music Hall
Overheard by: amused tourist
Wednesday One-Liners Love New York. Maybe.
Guy to buddy: It's just like New York, except it's clean and quiet... and people are nice.
--51st & Broadway
Tourist girl: You guys, we're finally here! New York! Sleepless in... Oh my god, I'm such a moron!
--Incoming Air Canada flight, JFK airport
Overheard by: la petite touriste
Hobo to passerby wearing 'I love NY' shirt: Try living here for a few months, see how much you fucking love it.
--Chinatown
Pedicab driver to intrigued tourists: It is the most exciting thing you will do in New York City.
--58th & 5th
Overheard by: Stevo
Woman: Sure, in New York something gets blown up every now and then. But at least we don't have to worry about falling off into the ocean.
--Filene's Basement
Overheard by: amused tourist
High-strung mom to nanny: Just leave him here and go check. He's not going to get kidnapped. No one in New York wants kids, anyway.
--C train
Subway preacher: All of you are going to hell because of New York!
--Grand Central
OCD Wednesday One-Liners
Tourist to family: It seems like all we do in New York is take the subway, eat, and wash our hands.
--6 train, Union Square
Overheard by: Ugly Doll
Man on cell: So what can I say? She's the carpet cleaner and I'm just cleaning the nozzles.
--14th & 5th
Overheard by: kat(e)
Dude: With all the nasty stuff I have to do, I shower like three times a day... and I still smell.
--Rivington & Essex
Man in beret on cell: I'm going to boil water and put my DustBuster in it... How do you sterilize your DustBuster, darling?
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: hazelnavet
Bronx girl: And then she said to me, 'We need to take showers and wear flashy clothes!'
--6 train
Wednesday One-Liners Join a Book Club
TA: Has anyone ever read Madame Bovary? [Class remains silent.] What the fuck do they have you guys reading these days?! I'm leaving.
--Sociology class, NYU
Expert conversationalist: I'm just going to sit here and read. You can talk to me while I'm reading if you want.
--Cafe Henri, West Village
Girl: The stupid freshmen are so irresponsible with their readings that the teacher has to give us a quiz on the readings every week! So now I actually have to have this all read before class.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Maija
Redhead on cell: I spoke to Mom today. She is writing a book! The Jewish Girl's Guide to Riker's Island.
--53rd & 3rd
Overheard by: Bruni
20-ish girl on cell: I don't like this Barnes and Noble! All they have are books!
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Muffin
Wednesday One-Liners Want to Believe
Guy: The nun at work keeps hitting on me!
--Havana Central, 113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Arogpelter
Panhandler: Donations? Give to the church of malt liquor!
--St. Mark's Pl, between 1st & 2nd St
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Student running through hall: I need my Bible!
--Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island
Overheard by: lol
Woman on cell: Hi, sweetie. I just wanted to call you back, real quick 'cause I'm on my cell, and tell you something else God wanted me to tell you.
--GWB Port Authority
30-ish guido seeing girl with ashes on foreheard: You know, I've noticed that the church is making better ashes.
--102nd & Broadway
Overheard by: what does that even mean?!
Manager: Ben! Quit it with the stigmata! We've talked about this!
--Strand Bookstore
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Teen boy: We should pray to Josh's parents so they give us a plasma screen TV.
--A train
Overheard by: Paula
Wednesday One-Liners Talk with Their Mouths Full
Angry lady to boyfriend: They don't pay my fucking rent! They don't eat my fucking pussy!
--E 9th & 5th
Man on cell: It comes down to about seven dollars a blowjob.
--59th & 5th
Wheelbo, politely: Excuse me, does the bus stop here? [Ignored, so addresses next passerby politely] Pardon me, ma'am? Are you looking for a dick to suck?
--42nd & Madison
Overheard by: No, I am not.
SVA photography teacher: You'd have a better time giving head to King Kong than using this method.
--SVA, 21st & 3rd
Overheard by: student
Kid on cell: ... So I said, 'You can suck my dick for some of your spaghetti.'
--Outside hardware store, 102nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Josh
Dude: If I could've gone down on a donkey I would have done it.
--W New York hotel, Union Square
17-year-old girl on cell: So, this girl was eating me out, right? [Pause] Oh, sorry, I have the wrong number.
--Starbucks, Union Square West
Wednesday One-Liners Have Healthy Immune Systems
Irate lady with luggage: This is a filthy town! Horrible!
--Penn Station
Guy on cell: You opened a cadaver today? Oh, shit, man -- congrats! That's so cool... I changed a nasty dirty diaper today.
--26th & 8th
Mother to sobbing young son: Honey, you can't pet a stranger's mink. You just can't. Especially with dirty hands -- that's why she was mad at you.
--M3 bus, 45th & 5th
Blonde on cell, wearing mink coat: I have a couture mink coat, and I will not have those low-lifes getting their crappy filth all over it!
--Starbucks, Citigroup Center
Woman hurrying small boy along: Yes, that wall is filthy, don't touch it. Everything you can see in this city is dirty.
--W 67th St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Asian man: Look, if you're gonna stab me at least use the clean knife.
--Applebee's, 42nd St
Overheard by: explosivo
Woman on elliptical to woman on stationary bike: Justin made me take the subway today. I didn't like it. I felt dirty.
--Equinox, Soho
Overheard by: jdm
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer "Bindlestiff"
Performing hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, while I do tell jokes, I just want to say that I keep it clean for the family. I don't like to curse or use foul language at any time. So to those that give money, I thank you, and to those that don't, go fuck yourself and get the fuck outta my house!
--3 train
Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag
Hobo, just after nine a.m. on a weekday: You're late! All of you are late to work! All of you... Late, late, late!
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: jairoski
Hobo shaking cup of coins: Hi, I'm starting a presidential campaign and any contribution would help!
--E Houston, near Mott St
Overheard by: Sannie
Hobo: Good afternoon. Can anyone help me out by sparing some change? [To processed and painted old lady passerby] Girl, you look just like Alexis from Dynasty!
--Spring & Mott
Overheard by: liza
Hobo: I'll be offended if you call me a crackhead. I'm not a crackead, I'm a rock star. Now, does anyone have 20 dollars for me so I can buy some crack?
--2 train, Bronx
Hyperactive kid is jumping around on benches and talking non-stop.
Hobo to babysitter: Too many pills. That girl is on too many pills!
--81st & 5th
Overheard by: i agree
Hobo holding banana like a gun: Gimme all yo' money, I'm the banana bandit! [People shuffle by, averting eyes, and hobo gets sad] Nobody listens to the banana bandit...
--Fulton St & Grand Ave