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Safest Thing, Really
Barbershop music segues from the Godfather theme to an old-time jazz tune.
Old Italian barber #1: That's nice music.
Old Italian barber #2: Yeah, we only play dead guys in here.
--Park Slope Barber Shop
Overheard by: Russ Wall
It's the Fascination of the Abomination
Lesbo #1: Cocks are gross. Well, ignore the fact that I look at boy porn.
Lesbo #2: You are the weirdest lesbian I know.
--Times Square
I Burn for Him
Teen girl: I love Mr. Mallows*!
Teen boy: Yeah, I know. Dude's like, 'I have hemorrhoids'!
--6 train
Sure, Why Not?
Girl #1, in Spanish: Yesterday I saw the movie The History of Violence.
Girl #2: Hey, is that the one about the penguins?
--Spanish class, Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Espanola
It's the Only Way to Make Law and Order: SVU Bearable
Eight-year-old girl with babysitter seeing mom on the street: Mommy, why do you smell like alcohol?
Mom: Because it's Tuesday, sweetie.
--Franklin & Broadway
Overheard by: Carleesto
Or Catholicracy, or Islaminite, or Christiansen. You're an Atheion
Ignorant mom: Why do you have all that hair on your head? Are you a Jew?
Poor kid: Yes!
Ignorant mom: You're not a Jew! You do not practice Jew-ism.
--A train
Overheard by: A Devout Jesus-ist
Who'd You Think I Was Talking To?
Hobo: Fucking shit, asshole!
Lady passerby: Watch your mouth! I know you don't talk to your mama like that!
Entire crowded platform: Oooh!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Charlie
I Just Can't Master the Teeth Clench and Air of Dissipation
Latina #1: So, this professor went to Yale and shit and he, like, expects us to be Yale material.
Latina #2: I know, I be hatin' that.
--Locker room, Hunter College
Overheard by: embarrassed to go here
Like I Didn't Know He Was in All Those Movies
Woman: Nobody famous ever comes in where I work.
Man: Well, we got a lot of famous people when I worked in LA.
Woman: Like who?
Man: Charlie Sheen would come into the store all the time.
Woman: Really?
Man: Yeah, but he's a fucking freak.
Woman: Oh?
Man: Yeah, he'd hold something up and say, 'Do you think this is good? Do you? Do you? Do you?' like, all the time. He's very fucked up.
--6 train
I Was So Busy I Almost Forgot to Take My Ritalin
Dad to post-tantrum kid: So, did you get a lot of crying done today?
Little boy: Yeah...
--Westside Market, 76th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ri & Yuu
I Haven't Decided What I'm Against Yet
Tourist taking picture of guy with 'Overthrow' shaved into back of his head: So, is Overthrow your rap name?
Guy: Nah, Overthrow -- that's my movement. I'm a general. Five-star general -- see the five stars [shaved into sideburns]?
--DUMBO
Overheard by: Mrs Parker's 4th Grade Class
Too Soon?
NYU girl #1: I have so much work due in this next week that it's not even funny. I kind of want to kill myself.
NYU girl #2, glancing around: Don't say things like that. People actually take you seriously around here.
--Starbucks, Washington Sq Park
Overheard by: prospective nyu student ... or not
So Obsessed with God and Sex, Unlike Americans
Chick #1: So, I talked to your boy this weekend.
Chick #2: Oh, yeah? And?
Chick #1: We talked for a while, and then he fed me this line about, 'Us being together is what God would want us to do...'
Chick #2: Shit. For real?
Chick #1: Yeah. Damn Jamaicans.
--46th & Park
Overheard by: Rainy days and mondays...
They Can't All Belong to Narcissistic Assholes
Girl #1: He was a narcissistic asshole, and I'm glad to be rid of him, but god I'll miss that big dick.
Girl #2: There's better dick in the sea, and I'm sure you'll come upon some.
--Union Square
Overheard by: I feel you girl
Yoo-hoo Made My Brother Gay, Though
20-something girl #1: Why do they call it 'Smart Water'?
20-something girl #2: Because it has electrolytes.
20-something girl #1: But does it make you smarter?
20-something girl #2: No! Does drinking Dr. Pepper make you a doctor? I don't think so!
--6 train
Overheard by: Moses
So, a Big Stroke?
Guy #1: So, I don't mean to be morbid, but of all the ways one can die, which would you prefer? I mean, if you had a choice, how would you prefer to die?
Guy #2, matter-of-factly: Masturbating... Yeah, I'd like to go out while masturbating.
--Karavas restaurant, Christopher & 7th
Hey, I Had You for My Amusement, Not Yours
Yuppie mom: What did you do today, honey?
Three-year-old daughter: I don't feel like talking, Mommy!
--10th & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Russ Wall
What's That on Your Shirt? A Maple Leaf?
Mother: Honey, what is wrong with your eyes?
Teen daughter: I am stoned.
Mother: You look like you have allergies.
Teen daughter: I am stoned.
Mother: Maybe it's pink eye.
--Central Park
Out of What, Now?
Old white husband: What are lamb chops?
Old black wife: I used to buy them for dinner all the time.
Old white husband: What are they?
Old black wife: I used to buy them for you!
Old white husband: I don't remember, tell me what they are.
Old black wife: They're like pork chops, but made out of lamb.
--D train
Overheard by: daniela
It's Very Cute
Hipster girl: I haven't seen any of your Facebook pictures, and I've been your friend for like a year!
Hipster boy: Really? You should.
Hipster girl: I'm checking them right now.
Hipster boy: Let me warn you, though -- there are a lot of pictures of my penis on there.
Hipster girl: Oh, I'm used to that.
--Apple Store, 5th Ave
Just to Give You the Flavor of My Life
Sweatpants: So, how's your life doing?
Girl: Um, okay, I guess.
Sweatpants: That's good... So I was watching Pokemon the other day...
--Mars Bar
Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky
Yeahhh, Definitely Seventh Avenue. Definitely.
Hipster mom: How much further are we going?
Five-year-old savant son: Well, it's the weekend so the G train is making all the local F stops. That means six more stations from Hoyt-Schermerhorn -- Jay Street-Borough Hall, Bergen Street, Carroll Street, Smith and Ninth Streets, Fourth Avenue and Seventh Avenue.
--G train
Overheard by: He even pronounced them correctly
Through Beer Goggles, It Reads 'Fhsghg'
Dude looking at sign for Godiva store: If you look at that sign, you could read it as 'Go diva.'
Chick: Yeah, if you look at it through gay goggles.
--The Village
Don't You Back-Sass Me -- That Is a Metaphor
30-something mom: Darnell, how many times do I gotta tell you not to walk down the stairs on the left side when there's people coming up?
Nine-year-old: But Maaama, you always tol' me to make my own path!
--F train platform, W 4th
Yeah, It's All Just TV
Nerd #1: Didn't Ford's body get shipped to Washington?
Nerd #2: No.
Nerd #1: Oh. Then I must have seen that on 24 or something.
--Union Square
Didn't Have the Heart to Tell Her It Was a Gold Jerry Garcia
Trendy female customer: I like your Jesus necklace. Do you believe in Jesus the Almighty?
Sales dude: I do.
Trendy female customer: As you should.
--Marc Jacobs, Bleecker
Overheard by: Andrea Quijano
And Mimimal Deadbabyage
Passenger #1: Boy, this elevator is slow! It's worse than in the projects!
Passenger #2: Yeah, but there's less urine here.
Passenger #3: Less throw up, too.
--Elevator, office building, Midtown
As a Random Act of Free Will
Judge: Wow, this girl sounds like the future generation's Tori Amos.
Philistine in audience: I don't know who that is, but I disagree.
--NYU talent show, Skirball Center, Washington Square South
Nobody Ever Is
Slacker chick in Heidi haircut, Mao cap and gas station jacket: What really pissed me off was we were fooling around one night and he was texting another girl. I'm, like, sitting there naked, ready to do whatever, and he's pulling that shit. He's all about wanting to eat out my asshole, and then he does that.
Slacker dude: I guess he wasn't really ready to get everything he wanted.
--Raccoon Lodge, TriBeCa
Overheard by: Nic
She Has a Black Belt in Combat Epistemology
Brunette looking up from book: Did you know?
Blonde: What? What? You gotta tell me!
Brunette: Never mind. I don't want you to know knowledge.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: that explains a lot
But If You'd Like to Purge, I've Got a Clip for Your Hair
Jessie: Tammy, do you think I'm fat? [Silence.] Tammy!
Tammy: What?
Jessie: Do you think I got fat?
Tammy: ... Honestly, Jessie, every guy I have hooked up with says he doesn't like skinny girls.
--Bathroom, Town Tavern, W 3rd & 6th
Overheard by: Flanked In Stalls, St Patty's genius
But That's a Cocktail Stirrer
Girl #1: Here, take it.
Girl #2: I really don't think this is necessary...
Girl #1: But you missed your period. And you're all pukey. Don't you want to know?
Girl #2: But I don't think I am.
Girl #1: Well, I can't date him until we know he's not your baby daddy!
Girl #2: Start dating him! It's fine. I don't think I am!
Girl #1: Will you just pee on the fucking stick?!
--Bathroom, bar, Williamsburg
A Hundred Dollars a Minute? That Better Be Freud Himself
Crazy guy to wife at front of bus: Fucking therapist fucking charges me three hundred dollars for three fucking minutes. Fuckers are trying to take my money!
Drunk guy at back of bus: Shut up! Stop cursing! There are kids on the bus.
Crazy guy to wife: I take you out to dinner, and you don't even want to fucking go anywhere?! Why the fuck do I put up with you?!
Drunk guy: Shut up! There are womenfolk on the bus.
Crazy guy: You shut the fuck up. You think I'm not fucking dumb but I'm not. [His wife starts hitting him.]
Drunk guy: Shut up! That's what my two-year-old boy says -- 'Shut up'! Hahahaha.
Lady laughing on cell: Are you guys gonna still be at the bar? ... Excellent!
--Bx10 bus
Overheard by: LSB
Reparations Are a Lot Cheaper Than They Used to Be
Old black man #1: I'm gonna go get a Post.
Old black man #2: A brotha reading the Post? Oh, man...
Old black man #1: Man, it's only 25 cents. And it's got page six!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Jill
Headline by: Dave
Runners-Up:
· "Hahaha...wait...black people? READING?" - pants
· "I always sleep under that one" - Mike B
· "Judge me not by the color of my skin but by the content of my paper" - nyinsf
· "That's the quilted page" - N. A. Cargo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Depends -- Are You Closed on Columbus Day?
Student #1: Today is our first day of classes.
Student #2: Yeah, and it's Martin Luther King's birthday today.
Student #1: Most other schools are closed on Martin Luther King Day, but we're open.
Student #2: Does that make our school racist?
--185th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Anthony Ross
Great, Now I Have to Pee
Hipster: I really have to pee.
Random passerby: Pssssss!
--Whitehall Station
Mine's in a Secret Abdominal Compartment
Asian princess: #1: You know what's annoying?
Asian princess: #2: What?
Asian princess: #1: When, like, people carry, like, two bags.
Asian princess: #2: Oh my god, I know! Like, when they have their school bag and then their coach bag...
Asian princess: #1: Totally! It's like, sooo annoying.
Asian princess: #2: Yeah! That's why I put my bag in my school bag.
--Q11 bus
Post-Painterly Wednesday One-Liners
Student: I didn't describe the sculpture, I just said that the combination of her and Weird Al inspired me.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Haley
Woman: I'm not really into the whole modern art thing -- I just don't like it.
--MoMA
Confused foreign professor: Monet and Picasso are famous painters. George Bush is not.
--NYU
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor
Man to woman after they make out: The problem is, if you're an artist today and you take a picture of a guy jumping off a bridge in Paris, no one's going to care.
--Armory Art Fair
JAP: So, are these the real Monets?
--The Met
Overheard by: Charlie Nicholson
Wednesday One-Liners Call Themselves "Publicists"
Announcer dude: People, get the Audio Guide! If you don't you'll end up up there thinking, 'I should have listened to that handsome, well-spoken man downstairs.' You'll be beating yourself for not buying the Audio Guide. And I don't need that on my conscience.
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: George Carstocea
Daily News hawker: Sign up here for your free subscription to the Daily News! [Muttering] We'll screw you later.
--Outside Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Mrs. Met
Guy selling comedy show tickets: Come on, have a ticket. If you don't I'll stalk you on your MySpace page!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Punkgrrl
Top of the Rock promoter guy: Yeah, it's supposed to be, like, the best view or whatever of, uh, I don't know... [Calls to fellow promoter] Yo, man, you ever been up there?
--Rockefeller Center
Flyer dude: See the naked cowboy on stage! Sucking cock!
--46th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ashley
Guy selling newspapers: New York Post here! Daily News here! [He's ignored.] New York Post here! Daily News! [Still ignored.] George Bush wins the lottery! [Still ignored.]
--33rd & 7th
Comedy club promoter: People, you gotta come tonight, because if you don't my boss is gonna kill me! I work for the mafia!
--Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners for C. Montgomery Burns
Black guy: And in this movie, Leonardo DiCaprio was the most selfless guy ever -- all he cared about was money.
--Jackson Hole, 91st & Madison
20-something exasperated chick on cell: It's a little something I call the hundred and fifty bucks I have to pay once a year! It's a little something called my rent!
--W 10th & Waverly
Overheard by: I call it that too
Geek: Have you ever pictured someone swimming in a pool of money? Do you know how much that would hurt?
--54th & 10th
Overheard by: Allisa
Mom to little daughter picking up garbage: Don't pick up stuff off the street... unless it's money.
--14th & 2nd
Suit: ... And they find him in Brussels with one million dollars in his suitcase.
--Chambers & West Side Hwy
Overheard by: Mike McG
Conductor: Attention, passengers, the power for this line has shorted out. Track workers are coming down to reset the breaker. We should be delayed for 15 to 20 minutes. A buck fifty -- you get what you pay for.
--PATH train, stuck under the Hudson
VP: I certainly don't want you to think it's all about money, because it's not -- it's mostly about money.
--Office, Park Ave South
Wednesday One-Liners Leave a Note
Clerk: ... So she pulls the suicide card. On the second date!
--30th St
Overheard by: Schroeder
Sociology professor: Just think of your life as a thousand chances a day to commit suicide.
--NYU
Pessimistic teen: Jelly beans make me want to kill myself.
--Tasti D-Lite, Bleecker & MacDougall
Overheard by: Louis
Chick: I would never commit suicide! I would do something instead. You know, like cut sugar cane...
--NYU
Overheard by: Nosy
Wednesday One-Liners Join the UFC
Professor: If any of you are sad about Anna Nicole, see me after class. I'll give you a bitch slap.
--NYU
Family man: We watched two guys fight to the death over a parking space, and then we went to the Ice Capades.
--Central Park, W 72nd
Overheard by: Rachel
Conductor: There will be no fighting on my train! Y'all gonna make me miss my lunch!
--N train
Overheard by: Shawnito
Hobo to entire platform: You've seen cripple fights. You've seen hobo boxing. Now prepare yourselves for rich white assholes pushing to get on the train. [Train pulls in.] Briefcases may be used as shields. Good luck, folks.
--4/5 platform, Union Square
Overheard by: Orson
Father holding daughter's hand: You can't just kick people when you don't get what you want, Victoria.
--Mott & Canal St
Overheard by: Marie
Teacher: See that guy in the mural? See how many muscles he has? If he wanted to, he could kick your ass. Look at Galileo. Even Galileo could kick your ass!
--Brooklyn Tech High School
Overheard by: Liz
Six-year-old: If you go to my school, you get yo' ass jumped.
--107th & Manhattan
Overheard by: Emily B.
Outlaw Wednesday One-Liners
Thug to tourist taking picture: Yeah, bitch, I'm in your picture! I'm in your picture! Put it on MySpace, bitch!
--W 34th & 7th
Overheard by: nisey79
Thug to friend: Nigga, it's hard to explain... It looked... like a decorated cosine curve!
--110th & Lenox
Overheard by: Curly Ku
Thugette to thug boyfriend: This ain't Valentine's Day. You slap me I'll slap you back!
--Bronx-bound D train
Overheard by: Krissss
Thug to his baby, after carrying her stroller down the subway steps: Woo-hah, I got you all in check.
--6 train station, 59th St
Overheard by: Jackie
Thug: Shit. Jimmy Hoffa's lucky he don't gotta pay taxes.
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Overheard by: In debt on the F train
Thug: That thang was so big you could put a whole paragraph on it!
--6 train
Wednesday One-Liners Keep Them All in the Air
Kid: ... And his balls were hanging out of his skirt!
--Stuyvesant High School
Drunk chick: Can I pleeease kick you in the balls? It's my birthday!
--Ave A
Bimbette: So, balls are always -- and, like, totally not in a sexual way -- but balls are always hitting me in the face.
--Line at Upright Citizens Brigade
Street vendor to another: So, what if you were wearing shorts and you had one ball hangin' out?
--W 49th & Broadway
Hot chick to another: So, I had him by the balls...
--Washington Square Park
Girl: No, no, don't scratch your balls! [Screams.]
--8 train
Overheard by: Alex
Actor: I look down and there's this blue spot on my balls. It looked like I fucked a smurf.
--Backstage, Strawberry One-Act Festival
Overheard by: I hate it when that happens
Highlights for Wednesday One-Liners
Toddler in stroller: Step one, cut a hole in the box... Step two, put your junk in the box! Step three, make her open the box!
--Dressing room, Bloomingdale's
Nine-year-old boy on cell: It's not that I don't understand your vision, I just don't agree with it.
--Bus stop, 79th & 5th
Overheard by: Melly Mel
Eight-year-old boy whining: Dad, I'm thirsty! I wanna go to the liquor store!
--Central Park
Overheard by: admiring their childrearing practices
Four-year-old boy to nanny: I talk to strangers! I talk to strangers! Why are you squeezing my hand so hard?!
--60th & Lex
Little boy, after bumping into a girl: Sorry, my ass is broken.
--City Hall Subway Station
Overheard by: Miss Adventure
Three-year-old girl waiting in check-out line: Mommy, I hate this store! Are we in the suburbs?
--Trader Joe's, Union Square
Little British girl: Mummy, when I die can I be here?
--Evolution, Spring St
Overheard by: stephanie