Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
In His Imagination, He Refuses to Sell Manhattan to the Dutch
Kid: Will we get to walk single file in the woods?
Parent: The path gets pretty narrow -- we might have to.
Kid: Yes!
--Prospect Park
God, I've Mastered the Small Numbers. What Now?
Automated voice on PA: Register Nine.
Toddler: Whoa! What was that?
Mom: That's the voice of God telling you what to do.
Automated voice: Register Four.
Mom: See, there it is again. You better listen.
--Whole Foods, Houston
Overheard by: Alienswede
Of All My Exes You're the Most Likely to Make That Call
Girl: If I were stranded somewhere with a dead hooker in my trunk, you're still the person I'd call.
Guy: To this day, that's the best compliment I've ever received.
--1020 Bar, 110th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
You'd Think the Distribution System Would Be Better
Homie #1: Drugs is huge, man, huge! If there wasn't no drugs, there'd be no police! No drugs, no lawyers! No drugs, no judges! Nobody would be in prison! All those guards, no jobs! The whole prison system would collapse! No drugs, nobody in the hospitals! Doctors out of work... Drugs is too big! We're a big part of the economy! Nobody is gonna touch drugs, man, so chill. We need drugs!
Homie #2: True dat.
--125th & Lenox
Can I Have a Little Childhood, Here?
A stray kitten wanders up to a little girl who bends down to pet it.
Mom: Come on, sweetie, it's time to cross the street.
Little girl, dismayed: But I'm petting the kitty.
Mom: Honey, we need to go. Say bye-bye, now.
Little girl: Goddammit, mommy, I'm petting the kitty!
--17th & 6th
I Would Shave, Though
Queer hipster: Do my labia look too puffy?
JAP: What?
Queer hipster: My labia!
JAP: What the hell did you just say? I can't hear you.
Queer hipster: My va-gi-na lips! Do they look too puffy?
JAP: Oh... No, not at all.
--Ben & Jerry's
Douchebags: We're Everywhere
Chick to friend: That guy in the Starbucks across the street was such a douchebag.
Guy behind her, leaning in: I can be a douchebag if you want me to [winks].
--Starbucks, St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Alanna
Now How Much for Her?
White nerd in monotone: Look, just because I'm a motherfucking P-I-M-P does not give you the right to kiss up on my women.
Black guy: Fool, don't be trippin'! You ain't got but one woman, and she's fat.
--45th & 9th
Life Becomes Impossible If You Think about It Too Much
Man #1: The only thing I don't like about the job is all the lying I have to do.
Man #2: Yeah, but you're a salesman.
Man #1: Yeah, I know.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: daver
A Waiter Put It Back Using a Napkin and a Warm Spoon
Mother, scolding: And this is the same little boy who took out his penis in a nice restaurant.
Little boy: It was a wonderful restaurant!
--Garfield Pl, Park Slope
Overheard by: ruckerbry
Let Me Apply Some Sunblock
Cop #1: It smells like bacon.
Cop #2: Sorry.
--W 47th St
I'd Eat You on the Hood of This Car
Willing guy: Let's go stand over here...
Smoking hot girl: So, are you going to eat me on the hood of my car or what?!
--N train
Aw, It's Just the President
Tourist #1 seeing police cars: Dude, what's going on?
Tourist #2: I don't know, but I want to find out. Like, is someone dead, or is Mariah Carey coming?
--105th & Central Park West
I Wish I Had a Reason to Wear a Tie
Eight-year-old thug looking at four-year-old in khakis and a tie crossing the street with nanny: Man, look at that pussy ass!
13-year-old thug sister: Dumb shit!
Eight-year-old thug yelling at four-year-old: Dumb pussy ass piece of shit!
--69th & Broadway
Overheard by: Stunned, yet amused
If White People Didn't Exist, We'd Have to Invent Them
Fat, drunk black chick: Fuck that shit! I gotta go, and I will pee on this train!
Sister: Stop. I'm not playing, sit down.
Fat, drunk black chick: Say I won't, Teesha, say I won't! I will piss on this train!
Sister: Stop, you're bothering people. Just sit down. I swear to God, I swear I'll get off.
Fat, drunk black chick: Then I will pee on the platform. Nah, nah, I'm gonna pee on this train! Say I won't!
Sister: You're bothering people.
Fat, drunk black chick: White people?! I don't care about white people! You know what they did? Fuck them -- they diseased our country. They brought us HIV! TB! All that shit! They need to go back on their boats! I will pee on this train! Then we'll see who's diseased!
--A train, between 145th & 34th
You're Dating Grimace?
Teen guy #1: So, what did she look like?
Teen guy #2: Oh, dude, she had the most perfect body. She was like, 26-34-26!
--Tonic Bar
We Just Want to Go Nuts at Crate and Barrel
Young woman: I paid them a little bit. They paid for Mark to go to a 50 thousand dollar drug rehab and recovery program, so I think they'll be willing to loan us a thousand.
Man: Maybe, but he was taking it up the butt for crack. I think that's a whole different scenario.
--Staten Island Ferry
Another Tough Year for Roses Up There
Bimbette: Like, the Eskimos get drunk and kill each other for fun.
Eskimo chick: Not my family. We garden.
--Elevator, School of Visual Arts
Nobody Calls 'em "Playerettes"
Black man #1: Man, that reminds me of my bachelor party! The other day this slut friend of mine was getting married -- excuse my language.
Black man #2: That's aight, man. Sometimes you gotta call a slut a slut.
Black man #1: So, she was getting married, right? And the guy is waiting for her in a hotel room with champagne and shit. And the bitch is at my house!
Black man #2: Yo, that's a slut aight.
--28th & 8th
It Was Only a Welterweight Slap
Girl #1: So he slapped you with his penis?
Girl #2: Well, yeah -- what else does he have?
--2 train
Overheard by: RetroSarcasm
The Tragic Tale of a Looseleaf Binder, and the Boy Who Loved It in Vain
Teen girl: The Notebook was mad sad! I cried.
Teen boy: What is it about?
Teen girl: I forgot.
--1 train
I Don't Think You Quite Grasp This Manliness Business
Electric guy to himself: Where's my gloves?
Grip guy: Gloves? I don't use gloves. I use my bare hands like a man! Only pussies use gloves. Are you a pussy? Be a man, ya pussy.
Electric guy: But then my skin will get all dry and crack and stuff.
Grip guy: Duh, well, yeah. That's why you have to moisturize.
--Movie set of I Am Legend
Overheard by: Another electric guy
Because I May Have Missed the Best Part
Bimbette #1: So, my mom was watching that Saddam Hussein guy get hung.
Bimbette #2: Oh my god! I couldn't bear to see something that graphic! Ugh! I can't believe they would air something like that.
Bimbette #1: Oh, dude I know... And to top it off, she was all, 'This is like a bad gay porno, because he is so fucked'!
Bimbette #2: Wait, who are we talking about, again?
--Subway station, 30th Ave
Because That's Really Inconvenient for Your Friends
Dude: I mean, you don't have to completely fall apart once your child dies.
Chick: Yeah, seriously.
--Prince St
Overheard by: Aniela
And How Much 20th Century Design Do You Need?
Guy #1: Then, when I get all the money, I'm gonna buy [unintelligible].
Guy #2: What? Buy what?
Guy #1: [Mumbles.]
Guy #2: Man, you can't get that here! You gotta go to Sotheby's to buy that!
--Outside Food Emporium, 83rd & 3rd
Probably Why EHarmony Set Us Up in the First Place
Hipster to friend: Sometimes I feel like jumping into a bush, curling up into a ball, and punching everything.
Passerby: I dig that.
--Sheep's Meadow
Overheard by: lenty
God's a Little Harder to See, but I'd Try
UES mom #1: We're going to Italy in August. You've taken your kids there, haven't you? What are some things the kids would like?
UES mom #2: Well, there's a lot to do in Rome, but one thing -- it's expensive, but worth it -- you should go meet the pope.
--92nd & Madison
Because Those People Are Beyond Saving
Black woman #1: And then she was like, 'I don't like fried chicken!'
Black woman #2: How could you not like fried chicken?!
Black woman #1: I know! How could you not like fried chicken?!
Black woman #2: ... Well, was she white?
--14th & 1st
Let's Keep Watching Movies about Them and Being Secretly Turned On
Queer: I think bisexuality is just trendy, or for people who can't come out of the closet.
Fag hag: I agree. I could never date a bisexual.
Loud girl: Bisexuals are just fucking greedy!
--Hayden Residence Hall
Overheard by: Cooper
Bukkake Is So Five Minutes Ago
High school latina #1: Yeah, she's really sexy.
High school latina #2: Her lips are really soft.
High school latina #3: Yeah, you guys, her eye gunk's sexy, too. I'd totally eat her eye gunk.
High school latina #2: Yeah, that's true. I would, too.
--1 train
Overheard by: define sexy
Try Pretending It Doesn't Matter
Eight-year-old son: Dad, I can't even tell the Ninja Turtles apart! They all look the same, they just have different bandages and stuff.
Dad: Well, do you know their names?
Son: Uhhh... There's the blue one... Armadillo?
--Washington Heights
Overheard by: hero in a half shell
Unless You Count Splash Mount Sinai
Little boy pointing at St. Patrick's Cathedral: Daddy, what is that?
Father: That's a church. Maybe when you're older we can go inside and look around.
Little boy: Daddy, are there rides in there?
Father: No, no rides.
--51st & 5th
I Think We All Know How This Game Ends
Dude #1: You're not really gay.
Dude #2: Yes, I am!
Dude #1: Straight.
Dude #2, vehemently: I have a loofah!
--37th & 28th
Overheard by: MIcSpicie
If These Balls Could Talk, They'd Say the Same Thing
Angry chick: I am so mad at you right now!
Boyfriend: Sorry, babe. It's not my fault you're still on your period.
Angry chick: I wasn't talking to you, Jake*, I was talking to my ovaries.
--Morton St
Overheard by: these walls are paperthin
Headline by: Damo
Runners-Up:
· "I Apologize for Ovaryacting" - Katherine Duke
· "Quiet! We're Trying to Decide Whether or Not We're Going to Trap You into Marrying Us." - Kara
· "The Whore Moans" - Stephanie L
· "You Could Always Get Rid of Them, and Earn 19 More Cents An Hour" - Kristen
· "You could have prevented this if you stopped wearing that damn condom." - Josh H
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Actually, Clothing Is Sometimes Optional
Dude #1: Is cable a need or a necessity?
Dude #2: What?!
Dude #1: I mean, clothes are a need -- you need to wear clothes -- so cable's a necessity, not a need.
--F train
They Wanted Someone Who Could Hallucinate Outside the Box
Fashionista: Yeah, one time I thought I took, like, 96 bong hits, but then I realized that I wasn't inhaling.
Boyfriend: What about the time you ate thirty mushrooms and applied to Morgan Stanley?
Fashionista: Haha, I know! Who would have thought I'd have gotten that job?!
--Bowery Bar
When Hobos Teach Improv
Hobo: You white, right?
Hipster: Uh, yeah.
Hobo: I'm the 10 thousand-foot-tall sequoia tree, and you're a 10 thousand-year-old white man!
--6 train
Wednesday One-Liners Like to Be Close When They Kill
Dude: I miss my machete.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Ash
Guy: For his 21st birthday I'm buying him a samurai sword. For his wedding I'm gonna buy him a giant samurai sword!
--Tower Records, W 4th St
Overheard by: Not a samurai
Little kid: It's chainsaw time!
--New Jersey Transit train
Overheard by: DrewDrewDrew
Frizzy woman on cell: I mean, c'mon -- it's not like it was a knife, bitch, it was just scissors!
--37th & 5th
Overheard by: K
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Subway and the Subtruth and the Sublife
Girl: I never get into empty cars anymore. Last time I did there was a dead guy laying there, and I was stuck with that smell in my nose all day.
--Subway platform, South Ferry
Overheard by: annikee
Man to wife: What, you want to keep riding the train back and forth? I did that shit once. It was the most boring experience of my entire life!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: soixantedeux
Chick after V train passes through the station: There's a runaway V train and people are still on it!
--C/E platform, 23rd St
Girl: Whenever I'm on the subway all I can think about is sex!
--NYU
Overheard by: ana
Announcer: There is a Bronx-bound one train approaching 34th Street.
--14th St station
Overheard by: Glad to know where the train I missed is
Mom to small child: Do you know if the trains are running express today, or will we have to take the local all the way down?
--W 93rd St
Tourist girl: Waaait... Is this the bus?
--E train, Queens
Overheard by: MegMC
Wednesday One-Liners Got Rejected by Idol
Young chick to pal: Carly Simon? Wasn't she the one who sang 'You're So Vague'?
--Nail salon
Overheard by: Jersey Jude
JAP: I write pirate songs... in French.
--Broome & Broadway
Mom: Everyone in the world sings in Spanish. I mean, you know that song Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? I heard it in Spanish the other day. It goes like... 'Chitty chitty bang bang, chitty chitty bang bang...' They didn't even translate the words into Spanish.
--Bloomie Nails, 20th & 8th
Classical pianist to another: Dude, I am mad stoked for studio class today!
--Manhattan School of Music
Overheard by: Christiana Little
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held here due to congestion up ahead... I bet this is when you miss elevator music.
--D train
Overheard by: mb
Secrets and Wednesday One-Liners
Man on phone: I'm not saying it's your fault. I am saying you're a liar, but I'm not saying it's your fault!
--10th & Broadway
Raving man with large headphones: The myth that once you have high blood pressure you have it for life is a lie! It's a lie from the pit of hell!
--Bx15 bus
Girl on phone: Oh, no! That's awful! I'm running! [Keeps walking slowly.]
--12th & 3rd
Lady suit on cell: Yeah, I'm at home. I'm not even dressed yet.
--Kinko's, Court St, Brooklyn
Girl on cell: Mommy! My fake works! My fake ID!
--19th & 6th
Overheard by: A. Pincus
Lady on cell: No, Jack, we had six lovely kids... Just because we're getting a divorce doesn't mean our marriage was a complete waste of time. Anyway, yeah, I have to board my plane now... Bye [plays games on phone for 10 minutes].
--LaGuardia airport
Chick on cell walking down street: I'm already inside, dickhead!
--Mott St, Chinatown
Beva, Beva, Beva, Beva Con Wednesday One-Liners!
Nympho to friend: You don't have to be drunk to hump things!
--A train
Overheard by: Cooper Cheatham
Chick on cell: The only thing getting me through this day is the liquor at the end of the tunnel.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Man on cell: Yeah, but then once you graduate from college it's called alcoholism.
--West Village
Chemistry professor: Ethanol is different from methanol, because ethanol you can drink. If someone drinks methanol, they will either, depending on how much they drink, become blind or they will die. This shows that you should not just drink anything, because it can be really messed up. Oh, and you shouldn't drink and drive.
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: Barbie
Girl to friend: Come on, let's go drink our feelings.
--92nd & Lex
Overheard by: sarah
High school girl to boy: You know that girl that was giving us money to fight? She was the thick one. Thick. Except that day she was crazy drunk because she couldn't find her glasses.
--Bronx train platform
Overheard by: David Weber
Wednesday One-Liners Are Now on the Dollar Menu
Mother to wailing child: Honey, do you wanna go to McDonald's?
--Whole Foods
Overheard by: caitlin
Guy yelling from street: Does anyone know where McDonald's is? Anyone? Anyone?! Help meee!
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: it's on 125th
Suit to crazy hobo: Excuse me, do you know where I can find a good Wendy's?
--28th & 7th
Overheard by: As opposed to a bad one..?
Chick: Like, I understand protests and everything, and I think it's great to show your views and everything, but don't do it right in my way! It's just like, get out of my way to KFC! I need my fried chicken!
--Amtrak
Overheard by: colette
Tourist lady to another: A TGIF and a Wendy's! This place has it all!
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: The McCrum
Ghetto chick on phone: Yo, let's go get some food. Naw, fuck fast food. I want some real food, like KFC or somethin'...
--L train
Overheard by: wynsters the tigress
Queer club kid: I am not going to McDonald's. The lighting is horrible.
--53rd & 9th
Overheard by: Julia K.
Wednesday One-Liners Are at the Wrong Tail of the Bell Curve
Dude on cell: I said I was born at night. I didn't say I was born last night. I'm not stupid.
--Manhattan Mall
Bushwick native: We've got idiots wrapped in morons all over the place around here!
--L train shuttle stop, Morgan Ave
Overheard by: Erin Partridge
Woman to little girl: To be perfectly honest it just makes you look dumb, because you can only spell backwards.
--Times Square
Overheard by: mark
Mother to young son: When you grow up please don't be like stupid people.
--A/C/E platform, 14th St station
Overheard by: Josh Barro
Chatty woman: I can't ask my sister anything. She is such an idiot. She had a baby and it made her stupid.
--LIRR
Overheard by: pretending to be sleeping
Noxious Wednesday One-Liners
Teacher to student: Want to come into my office and smell my computer?
--Room B-436, FIT
Overheard by: ivy270
Conductor: We apologize to our patrons for the stale bread smell that passengers from our connecting train brought with them. We will be distributing pine fresheners to out patrons shortly.
--LIRR to Penn Station
College chick: My vagina smells like buttered popcorn.
--Starbucks, 7th Ave S
Dude on cell: Wow, I almost feel like I can smell you... Or maybe I'm just really, really hungry.
--Canal & Lafayette
Overheard by: Cameron
Woman whispers to man next to her: Alright, now come smell my vagina in the bathroom.
--Metro-North train
Overheard by: Deb
Teen thug to thugette: Man, this train smells like three kinds of ass!
--F train
Overheard by: Mike
Hobo to two bitchy JAPs: You think I stink now? Just wait -- I'm about to take my shoes off.
--A train
McDreamy Wednesday One-Liners
Woman: Why are you not breathing? You're the worst patient ever!
--ER, Methodist Hospital
Overheard by: Gena
Hipster to boyfriend: So, I lost three pounds last week. It's because I went to the gynecologist...
--28th & 8th
Overheard by: Waiting for the next sentence
Nurse pushing old man in wheelchair: I'm not a real nurse.
--St. John's Hospital
Boyfriend to girlfriend as they consume foot-long hotdogs: You've gotta ask yourself one question. Are you prepared to put your hands in shit every day? Because that's all a job in health care is -- putting your hands in shit.