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Yes, but It Wasn't Strip Jenga
Chick: I have social anxiety.
Dude: Social anxiety? You played Jenga with my neighbors!
--Christy & Delancey
Overheard by: Tourist
Yeah, Give Me a Celtic Frost on Sepultura, Hold the Slayer
Geek #1: Wow. You've got a death metal shirt on top of a death metal shirt on top of another death metal shirt!
Geek #2: No, it's a black metal shirt on top of a death metal shirt on top of another black metal shirt!
Geek #1: Oh! It's a sandwich!
--Grassroots, St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Meli$$a
Now I Am the King of the Cats
Chick #1: So he just threw his shoes out?!
Chick #2: Yeah, he said he would never dance again.
Hobo: Never dance again!
--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
These'll Go Great with My Little Whore Dress
30-something black chick #1, trying on leopard print heels: I don't know... I'm getting a serious whore vibe from these shoes.
30-something black chick #2: Yes, but it's an attractive whore.
30-something black chick #1: Right... Whore is the new black.
--Upscale shoe store, Midtown
I Guess That's True, Too
20-something guy #1: I used to fuck guys like you in prison.
20-something guy #2: Please. If you had been to prison I don't think that you would have been the one doing the fucking.
20-something guy #1: I guess that's true.
20-something chick: Fucking morons.
--Delancey & Orchard
Overheard by: Bang-Around Bob
To Protect and... and.... Damn!
Meek tourist, after spending 10 minutes trying to hail a cab: Can you please help me hail a cab?
Disgruntled cop: Fuck you! Find your own damn cab! Christ!
--Times Square
Or If I Were Less of a Shit. Either One.
Guy #1: So, my uncle is having marriage problems. His wife found kiddie porn on his computer.
Guy #2: Damn... That shit's illegal. Did she confront him about it?
Guy #1: Yeah... You know what he said to her?
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: 'Well, I wouldn't need to use it if you were prettier.'
--Ozzie's, Lincoln & 7th Ave
Overheard by: augie
Perhaps Abstinence-Only Sex-Ed Is Our Only Shot
Teen girl #1: How does a female condom work?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, what do you put it on?
Teen girl #3: I think you put it on that thing on the top of your vagina.
Middle Eastern cashier: Do you know what you are saying? Get out of my store!
--East Village bodega, 1st & 1st
Overheard by: Chaz Michael Michaels
I'm Not Even Black, Am I?
Hobo: Hey, doggie. Come here, doggie. Hey, hey, doggie. Come over here.
Woman, pulling dog away on leash: Come, Mikey! Come on!
Hobo, to passerby: You see that? Fuckin' racist don't want me touchin' her dog 'cause I'm fuckin' black!
Teen passerby: No, sir, it's because you are homeless.
Hobo: Oh. Well, yeah. There's that.
--Clinton & Montague, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Mike N
I Kinda Thought He Paid That Bill Already
Cheery religious pamphlet guy: Good morning, miss! Would you like to suffer for Christ?
Woman in a hurry: Um, no...
Cheery religious pamphlet guy: Okay, have nice day!
--Steinway St station
They Got the Dental Records? Seriously?
Idiot #1: ... And that's why they call him Ted Kaczynski, because he bit her on the ass.
Idiot #2: Really?
Idiot #1: Yeah, they got the dental records and everything. He totally bit her on the ass, and there were bite marks. That's why they call him Ted Kaczynski.
--61st & 10th
Gotta Go with Your Strengths
Little boy who picked Disney princess goody-bag instead of Superman: Look what I got, Daddy!
Father, to party helper: He also always chooses tiaras over crowns.
Little boy, proudly: That's because I'm more into girl stuff than boy stuff!
--Deb's Family Disco, Lexington Ave
Overheard by: Dancing Mermaid
Reader Poll: Will That Quote Ever Fucking Die?!
Boy at screen door: Mom, can I come in?
Mom: Show me.
Boy: What?
Mother: Show me the money.
--Meserole Ave, Greenpoint
Wow, Yours Are Exactly the Same As Mine!
Prep #1: Let's go play GameCube and listen to Jack Johnson and share our emotions.
Prep #2: Yeah!
--S train
Overheard by: Elizabeth
I Don't Usually Meet the Hookup Threshold Test
Law student: Dude, when I started school I was like,' This shit's gonna suck for my social life,' but it turns out there are tons of cute girls in law school and they love to get drunk.
Non-law student: Really? So you've hooked up with a lot of girls at school?
Law student: Just one, actually, but it was only because I needed her notes.
--Metro North to White Plains
Old Mom or Trophy Mom?
Teacher: Tyler*, your mom is here.
Tyler: Yay! ... Wait, which one?
--Citigroup Children's Center, 399 Park Ave
Overheard by: sarita92282
Fucking Book-Reader
Girl: I wish I had Thomas Pynchon-dar.
Friend: What?
Girl: You know, like radar or gaydar. Thomas Pynchon-dar.
Friend: Yeah, whatever.
--R train, Brooklyn
How to Die Alone and a Virgin
College guy #1: I really regret not having sex with a friend's mom in high school. Remember Mike's* mom?
College guy #2: She was so hot. Dude, I beat her in Monopoly... which, in my book, is far better than sex.
--14th & 7th
No Request Is Too Extreme
Girl #1: Thanks, I like being wished on. Well, not wished on, but wished for.
Girl #2: I was wished on in Mexico...
Girl #1, after long pause: Was it the same guy that gave you herpes?
--N train
Overheard by: i thought it was funny....
All Hail the Hypnobarista
40-something: Okay, lemme get two grande black coffees.
Barista: $4.10.
40-something: You know what? Make those ventis.
Barista: $4.44.
40-something: Okay, don't kill me, but could I get one grande and one venti?
Barista: No.
40-something: What?
Barista: No.
40-something: You know, two ventis is perfect.
--Starbucks, Union Square
The Prisons Are Full of First-Instinct People
Chick #1: You know, just go with your first instinct.
Chick #2: What?! I don't want to kill him!
--Hayden residence hall, NYU
Have They Asked You Anything Suspicious?
Girl #1: Have you been lying to Mom and Dad a lot lately?
Girl #2: No, why?
Girl #1: Because I have and I was wondering if you were, too.
--Kimmel Center, NYU
Everything Human Disgusts Me
Woman: Breastfeeding her baby is not the same as taking a shit.
Man: Yeah, it is. It's like shitting in the baby's mouth.
--3rd & 2nd
Dooright's the Name, Good Citizen
Man holding St. Patrick's day hat and necklace: Can I get these two for three dollars?
Street vendor: The hat itself is eight dollars! You're not a bargaining person, are you?
Man: No, I'm from Canada.
--44th & 6th
Overheard by: Parade Spectator
Aw Hell, Here -- I'm Insured!
Hobo: Can I ride that through Cooper Union?
Harley guy: Do you know how to shift?
--Outside Starbucks, near Cooper Union
Overheard by: budgetmoon
Someday, He'll Be Right
Blonde: Sean, Em just told us something very interesting about herself!
Queer: What? Oh my god! Did you finally have butt sex? I knew it! You let him stick it in your butt.
--Outside the W, Union Square
Overheard by: she had a nice butt...
The City's Already on Report
Crazy lady: Where are we?
Stranger: New York City.
Crazy lady: Should I call 911?
--Amtrak
Overheard by: tj
We're Telling Springsteen Fans Where You Live
Kid #1: Yo, Silent Bob lives in that place.
Kid #2: No, he doesn't. He's from New Jersey.
Kid #1: No famous people live in New Jersey.
--Park Slope
How the Projects Got Gentrified
Yuppie girl: Sometimes I feel like it would be fun to live in the projects.
Yuppie guy: Uh, why?
Yuppie girl: Everybody knows each other -- it's like summer camp.
Yuppie guy: But they shoot each other.
Yuppie girl: Yeah -- summer camp, but with guns.
--99th & 3rd
Overheard by: Dan
Because They're Keeping Score
Thug #1: ... And I was like, 'Damn, baby. I just bought you some pizza, we're about to see a movie -- is it really imperative that I buy you the Justin Timberlake CD so you can listen to it tonight?'
Thug #2: I know what you mean dog. My girl was beggin' me to buy her that new Akon shit.
Thug #1: Why can't bitches just be happy?
--116th St station
I Find It Hard to Breathe Surrounded by Walls of Corned Beef
Old lady: This is a full sandwich. I said half sandwich.
Waiter: What's the big deal? I won't charge you for the whole thing -- just eat half.
Old lady: No, no, you don't understand -- I am claustrophobic.
--Flagship Diner, Queens
And They'll Spit Right in Your Eye
Cop #1: What, you can't say, 'Good morning' anymore?
Cop #2: Haha.
Cop #1: I get more fuckin' respect from the sperm in my balls than from you!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Emily
Then I Speed-Dial My Therapist
Teen boy: What do you do to 10-year-old girls?
Friend: I don't do anything to 10-year-old girls. I just do stuff to myself while I'm watching 10-year-old girls.
--Columbus Circle
This Is Worse Than That Time He Pooped Out Those Kittens
Black girl: I can't believe we just went to the hospital to find out that your cat has no sex.
White girl: What?
Black girl, louder: That your cat has no sex!
White girl: Oh, yeah! I can't believe my male cat has no penis!
--3 train
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: Garrett Berg
Runners-Up:
· "Cat: Why don't you just announce it to the whole goddamn train!" - morgz
· "Garfield and the angry itch" - jeff
· "I think I'll call him Neuter Gingrich" - SNA
· "The Penis Makes the Pussy" - Adam
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
There's a Cheaper Way, but It Hurts Feelings All Around
White guy: Well, this is her third. The first two she miscarried.
Black guy: Aw, man.
White guy: All of them were shake 'n' bake.
Black guy: What?
White guy: Yeah, he shakes and she bakes. It's like 10 grand a shake, too.
Black guy: I heard 25.
--JFK airport
Overheard by: Deeznuts
It Dislodged Several Ceiling Tiles
Skinny NYU girl #1: Oh my god, I couldn't believe it happened. It's one of those things you have nightmares about.
Skinny NYU girl #2: I know. Don't people know they shouldn't eat for at least two hours before?
Skinny NYU girl #1: Duh, totally. Who farts in the middle of yoga class?
Skinny NYU girl #2: She'll have to go to therapy for months.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Michelle Eisenberg
Although It's Possible Neve Campbell Is Still Alive
Preppy teen boy #1: No, dude. She was in love with horses, remember? She liked screwing them -- that's how she died.
Preppy teen boy #2: No, no. That is not true. It was some accident having to do with horses.
Preppy teen boy #1: Yeah, exactly. She was screwing the horse, and then it fell on her. That's how she died.
Preppy teen boy #2: Dude, that's so wrong.
--45th St
Overheard by: wow
Wednesday One-Liners Propagate Their Genes by Caring for Siblings' Children
Thug: Yo, I would so love to see a show called 'Diaries of a Very Weird Gay Guy.'
--NYU
30-something lady: ... And he wanted to have sex with me. What is it that drives the heteros away and makes me the goddamn gay whisperer?
--136th & 8th
Girl to boyfriend: You're sooo gay when you're drunk.
--10th & 1st
Overheard by: Tigertail
Stud: I swear, if I got gay it would not be boring.
--St. George residence hall
Overheard by: G
Dude: I'm so hungry, I'm gay!
--FIT dining hall
Overheard by: Jake
Wednesday One-Liners, Now with Pop-Up Blocker
Trader: Yeah, so after I first called him I accidentally sent him a hardcore porn email, and he got such a kick out of it he sent me a hundred and fifty thousand share order.
--42nd & Madison
Overheard by: So that's how he makes so much money
Chick : Well, I got that thing on Facebook for his funeral, so I'll be there Monday...
--NJ Transit train to Penn Station
Overheard by: Jingles
Kid on cell: Okay, now attach the file to the email... The file name is, um, 'Beautiful black booties.' What? Come on, I really need this for my oral presentation.
--Yeshiva University High School
Overheard by: Ellen DeGenerate
Hipster on cell: I am so MySpace mad at you.
--10th & Bedford
Overheard by: Mandy
Girl: Friending him on Facebook is not an indication that you want to get in his pants!
--L train
Overheard by: michelle c
Skinny tween boy: My mom told me to be careful of stalkers on MySpace. Then, as soon as I signed up, I already had one friend -- he was this guy named Tom -- just smiling at me. I thought, 'Man, how did the stalker find me so fast?!'
--1 train
30-something dude to another: So, lately I've been really into Googling existential questions...
--E 3rd & Bowery
Overheard by: alyosha
Party On, Wednesday One-Liners! Party On, Garth!
Eight-year-old boy to friend: If we go to college do you wanna be roommates? What college do you wanna go to? I wanna go to Yale. Actually, no, I hate Yale. They have naked parties.
--P.S. 3, Hudson St, between Bleecker & Grove
Overheard by: Joeb
Black dude: Get this -- the theme of the party is 'Bring a white chick.'
--Union Square
Girl on cell: So, how was that party last night? Did you find anything to stick your dick in?
--14th & 5th
Little kid: Toga! Toga! Toga!
--Staten Island
Overheard by: Matt Roca
Fat sweatsuit on cell: Order me some wings -- I'm ready to party! I said order me some wings -- I'm ready to party!
--Steinway & Broadway, Astoria
Overheard by: Queemys Mommy
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Surest Form of Birth Control
Disgruntled student: Milton is where boners go to die.
--116th & Broadway, Columbia University
Overheard by: BBW
NYU girl: ... And she told me she had a gynecology appointment with this old chick scheduled for tomorrow, and that's when I realized just about everyone at this school is getting more ass than me.
--9th & University
Scruffy guy: Don't worry, you're going to have sex some day!
--St. Mark's Pl
Professor: There are two types of people in this world -- those who ride fast horses and those who don't get laid.
--Classics Dept, NYU
Overheard by: face
10-year-old: At my age it's just best to cuddle.
--Shakespeare & Co.
Overheard by: Leah
The Niceties of Wednesday One-Liners
Angry man yelling into pay phone: Do you know what extortion is? Yeah? Well, it's not nice.
--Polish resturant, Brooklyn Heights
Bus driver: To all the nice people who didn't curse at the bus driver, thank you.
--Bx 8 bus
Overheard by: You're Welcome
Woman collecting money for Coalition for the Homeless: Now, you have a nice day, sir! I don't wanna tell you have a nice day, because you're a horrible person! You should be giving me money, but you ain't and you're going to hell! But I'm a good person, so I'm going to say have a nice day anyway! Have a nice day, ladies. Shalom!
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Michelle Smith
Homely redhead: I started dating this new guy, and that's really good because I haven't dated anyone in over a year. We've been on two dates and he's married and he's really nice.
--60th & 5th
Dude: He's a nice guy. If you cross him he'll tie your ears together and slingshot boxes of wine in your face.
--Bleecker
Chick: She is a nice girl! Completely crazy.
--67th St stop, Queens
Undercover DEA Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: I'm in a... Oh, what's the word I'm looking for? ... Crack-infested neighborhood.
--9th & 26th, Queens
Overheard by: B. D.
Disheveled punk teen girl: No! My 72-hour drug binge is starting now!
--14th & University
Overheard by: rachel
Crazy lady: ... So I hung the crack pipe on the cross which gave me the right to say no to drugs... Hallelujah!
--2 train
Overheard by: with a K
Suit on cell: Yeah, I talked to him the other day. Right? I think he turned gay. Or he had a drug abuse problem.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Nick
Lady: I'm ready to yodel! Do I smell hashish?!
--Central Park SummerStage
Fiction professor: I would find writing about investment bankers very difficult because I find them boring when I meet them. I start to like them when they start snorting coke. Then their dialogue becomes much more interesting.
--The New School
Middle-aged lady on cell: I need to start sniffing more glue.
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: Amy Jill
Wednesday One-Liners No Function Beer Good Without
Drunk female vocalist after set: Dude... Evolution... That's, like, the theory we come from plants and shit.
--Blue Note Jazz Club
Overheard by: Bailey
Drunken derelict, burping loudly: Give it a second and it'll come out the other side!
--6th Ave & Waverly Pl
Drunk man: I mean, it's ironic when you think about it. Lou Gehrig winds up dying of Lou Gehrig's disease. Then, Dr. Atkins dies of Atkins. Think about it.
--Bar, 46th St
Drunk bum: I'm not a bum -- I'm an international bill inspector. My boss sent me here to inspect your bills. Who wants to give me a hundred dollars?
--Crowded 6 train
Overheard by: Stephanie
Drunk girl: I'm not drunk yet. I can still feel my lips!
--Blagio, Queens
Overheard by: Kim
Belligerent wino: I am the government!
--Caton Ave, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners before the Fall
Chick: So, with my toplessness and your bottomlessness we will equal one naked person tonight?
--Harlem
Overheard by: McN
Lady suit on cell: I told her to try the site at home and she screws her face up, scoffs at me and storms off like I'd told her to go stand on the BQE naked!
--PATH train, 9th St
Overheard by: Zenana
Cool cop: She looks great when she is naked, but when she is dressed, you know, not so great.
--1 train, 96th St
Chick to friends: The way he said it was, 'I sleep naked so if I have to get up at night to go to the bathroom, why should I put boxers on? I'll just put a sock on it.'
--Starbucks, Times Square
Cute hipster on cell: I was so confused this morning. I woke up naked in Queens with a stripper! I was like, 'Fuck, I guess I had a good night...'
--Clark & Henry St, Brooklyn
Drunk guy: ... And she was all drunk, dancing around naked in the attic again.
--Restaurant, Waverly & MacDougal
Jews for Wednesday One-Liners
Nine-year-old boy to friends: Don't be talking smack about Jesus. He was one of our greatest presidents!
--Q train
Overheard by: J-Lo
Hip chick in black whose dog poops in street: No! No! Jesus fucking Christ! [Looks up and notices she's in front of large church.] Oops.
--71st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: She didn't even pick it up
High school boy: He's like a fat homeless Jesus who stole a rich man's coat.
--Bronx
Soccer mom to another: You know, Friday nights are always a great time for Jesus.
--82nd and Columbus
Overheard by: Just bought a bottle of Jack to share with Jesus
Student on phone: All I have to say about being friends with Jesus is that unlimited fish sandwiches and wine doesn't sound like a bad d