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... Or Scary Movie IV
School girl #1: I wish I had the chance to watch more old movies.
School girl #2: Yeah, I totally know what you mean. I haven't seen any of the classics... You know, like Breakfast at Tiffany's or Dirty Dancing.
--5th Ave
Overheard by: trannysmithapple
Neither of Us Wanted to Change
Chick: Whoa, you were married?
Guy: Yup. Six years.
Chick: What happened?
Guy: Ummm... We were too different.
Chick: Different how?
Guy: Well, I'm the kind of person who wanted to pay off all his med school bills and live abroad for a few years. She's the kind of person who wanted to fuck other guys.
Chick: [Shocked.]
Guy: Hey, you asked.
--F train, York St
Check Her Teeth
College girl #1: If you have holes in your pants and it's winter, you're not making a fashion statement, you're poor.
College girl #2: But she was wearing leggings under them...
College girl #1: No, I don't care. She's poor.
--St. John's University
Why Dad Has His Own Place Now
Dad: Where did Daddy sleep when he was home?
Kids: On the bed.
Dad: No. I slept on the couch, and it was not comfortable.
--Pizzeria, 43rd & 10th
Hold Her Close
Chick: That bartender has such huge tits. Are you sure you don't wish I had bigger tits?
Dude: Honey, you know I love you just the way you are.
Chick: You're just saying that because I blow you every single night.
Dude: Well, it doesn't hurt.
--Bar
Overheard by: Debra, The Barmaid Blog
Maybe I'll Go the Extra Mile and YouTube a Sex Video
Prostitot #1: You know what I am totally afraid of? That I'll say something dumb or mean in school, somebody will hear it then post it on their MySpace, and then, like, everyone will read it and think I'm dumb or something.
Prostitot #2: Oh, that is, like, easy to fix. All you do is put up a lot of pictures of you in, like, a bikini or your underwear or something, and then, like, everyone will be on your side if anybody says they heard you say something dumb or whatever. They'll totally bash whoever made the nasty post about you saying they are jealous or some shit.
Prostitot #1: Wow, really?
Prostitot #2: Oh, yeah. Remember last semester when I got into that fight with Jaimie and she, like, posted the whole thing?
Prostitot #1: Yeah.
Prostitot #2: Well, the next day I put up that picture of me in the wet shirt. Everyone totally went after Jaimie saying she was just all jealous I had more friends on my page.
Prostitot #1: I am so going home now and putting up pictures of me in my underwear!
--F train
How Women Started Wearing Weird, Calf-Length Pants
Girl picking up a sweater: This is so cute!
Friend: Ick!
Girl, pointing at a pair of jeans: Oh, I love those! They'd fit me really nicely.
Friend: Um, no.
Girl, pointing at a dress: ... Is this cute?
Friend: Meh.
--Macy's
Overheard by: SUSAN
These Company Retreats Are Getting Weirder and Weirder
Jogging yuppie #1: Yeah, and then we went climbing up a cliff.
Jogging yuppie #2: Naked?
--69th & Park
Turns Out One of the Airport Metal Detectors Was Actually Working
Black lady #1: So, what happened to her?
Black lady #2: She had to have her breast inplates removed! Can you believe that?
Black lady #1: Oh, shit!
--Jamaica Market food court
Overheard by: Pilar
At This Point in Time, I Have No Recollection of That Event
Chick, about a shiksa: ... So she asked me what Passover was, and I told her. She thought it was weird and was like, 'I don't celebrate killing people!'
Jewish girl: I don't remember killing anyone.
Catholic girl: Um, Jesus?
--Barnard dorm
Overheard by: Isn't it nice we can discuss this candidly?
Medium Rare Just Isn't Doing It for Me Anymore
Drunk girl: The other thing you should know about me is I have a raw fucking pussy.
Drunk guy, holding her hand: Yeah? Good.
--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Bex
Twit. Look! There's a Twit!
Drunk chick #1, laughing hysterically: Okay, let's come up with a code word to say every time we see one of them. Something really random, like... shoelace.
Drunk chick #2: Julius?
Drunk chick #1, still laughing: No, shoelace. Shoelace!
Drunk chick #2: Okay. Julius. Look! There's a Julius!
--6 train
Overheard by: quagmire
Jaundice? Hilarious!
Grandma: You wanna hear a funny joke?
Boy: Okay.
Grandma: What's yellow and smells?
Boy: Daddy?
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Hamlet
Please Cab Your Dog
Young woman: Thank you so much for picking me up with my dog! No one would stop for me.
Cabbie: People who love animals love humans. If you can't clean up the shit of a dog, how are you going to clean up the shit of humanity?
Young woman: Wow, that's deep. I totally agree.
--18th & 3rd
If You Also Have Plastic Mashed Potatoes, I Can Die Happy
Stoner: What do you have ready?
Cashier: Chicken.
Stoner: What kind of chicken?
Cashier: It's called fried chicken.
--Palace Fried Chicken
Overheard by: Brian
Debil!
Blonde: Gosh, these lines are, like, so long.
Brunette: Yep.
Blonde: I'm, like, not from here so, like, I'm not used to this.
Brunette: Uh-huh.
Blonde: I'm actually from, like, Ohio. Where are you from?
Brunette: Albany.
Blonde: Oh my gosh, really?! Say something in Albanian!
Employee passerby: Fucking tourists...
--Banana Republic Women, Soho
Overheard by: MistressSilver
All Natural 7 Up, My Ass!
Little kid: It burns! It burns! [Pauses when a lady tells him to be quiet, then] It burns! It burns! It burns!
--Bx9 bus
Overheard by: Krisztina
Guess It'll Be Good to Get Back to Bakersfield, Then
Local girl: So, how do you like New York?!
Tourist friend, disgusted: Everyone here is ugly and foreign.
--Herald's Square
I'll Never Get a Rich New Daddy with a Bloated Mommy
Mom: Do you want to watch Over the Hedge when we get home?
Four-year-old boy: Yeah! But we can't have popcorn. We already had popcorn today and it would be too much salt.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Dahlia
Pretty Much Speaks for Itself
Alabaman, about MLK Day: Yeah, well, down in Alabama we don't celebrate his birthday, but the day he was shot.
College kid: Uh...
--49th & 3rd
Your Mother Said You'd Be the Last
Little boy, about turnstile: I want to do it!
Father: Okay, but make sure you don't get decapitated.
--Subway station, Bryant Park
Overheard by: novellas
Now We Will Move on to the Shooting Portion of the Exam
Teen chick #1: You think I'm ghetto, son? I bet you can't even spell 'ghetto.'
Teen chick #2: Yeah? G-E-T-T-O.
Teen chick #1: Ahhh, you stupid! It's G-H-E-T-T-O. You can't even spell 'ghetto.'
--Prospect Park
If I Had Another Hand or Leg, Though...
Thin chick: I love smoking cigarettes while I walk.
Fat friend: Ugh, I hate smoking cigarettes while I'm walking. I can just see it now -- 'Look at that cow walking down the street puffing on a cigarette.' I'll be, like, smoking with my right hand, holding my inhaler with my left and wobbling down the street. Nice.
--F train
Overheard by: Hysterical
Please Stop Talking So We Can Have Sex
High chick: Now, I love ass, don't get me wrong. But it's not all I think about when I think about baseball. I mostly think about triangles.
Dude: Huh?
High chick: Baseball.
Dude: Triangles.
High chick: They're both trapezoids.
Dude: What the fuck?
High chick: I don't know. My point is, I hate girls.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Bruce
I Had a J in Jamaica Once, Dude
Conductor #1: This is a J train all the way to Coney Island. Stand clear of the closing doors.
Conductor #2: What?
Conductor #1: What?
Conductor #2: Dude.
Conductor #1: J train to Jamaica!
Conductor #2: Dude.
--Jamaica-bound J train
Overheard by: bdogg
Below the Waterline an Iceberg Is Mostly Bear
Boy #1: Polar bears don't melt in water!
Boy #2: Yeah, they do. They swim in it and they disappear.
Boy #1: Wow, really?
--LIRR
It Was Like the Zen State, but with Vomiting
Girl #1: Last night was ridiculous. I can't believe that guy.
Girl #2: Yeah, you don't remember anything. You blacked out so early into the night.
Girl #1: No, I didn't black out! I just don't remember anything!
--L train
Overheard by: Sydney M
I'm Not That Good, but I Am Faithful
Chick: We had a great sex life -- fuckin' all the time... Then I find out that he is calling the free exotic party line... I mean, all the time.
Dude: He's a loser if he spends all his time doing it... Will you have sex with me now?
--2 train
Overheard by: aeongirl777
The Truth Is So Much Less Exciting Than That
Seven-year-old boy holding single color construction paper: Dad, we need to get this.
Father: You're gonna need more colors than that. There are a lot of planets, and they're all different colors.
Nine-year-old daughter: Well, we don't need to worry about Pluto. It's not a planet anymore.
Father: How can it not be a planet anymore? What, did Superman fly out there and blow it up?
--Michael's craft store, Northern Blvd, Queens
Dear Friend, All This World Is Illusion
Man: I need a card celebrating the birthday of the Buddha.
Employee: Um, we don't have anything specifically for that...
Man: Well, you should. You really should.
--Papyrus, Grand Central
Like Amy Fisher and Lindsay Lohan
Drunk Long Island girl #1: I am so wasted and I haven't even thrown up yet!
Drunk Long Island girl #2: It's like, we're drunk and we're from Long Island. We should be all... proper and shit.
--29th & 7th
Overheard by: 100% not drunk
And I Said, "Is This a Rhetorical Question?"
Guy on cell: So he said, 'If you imagine yourself as a hot dog, would you eat yourself?'
--Tribeca
Overheard by: brrrrrrrrrrrrrt
... You Heteronormative Twerp
Seven-year-old girl: What's your name?
20-something: Uhhh, Katey. What's yours?
Seven-year-old girl: Liz.
20-something: Okay, how old are you, Liz?
Seven-year-old girl: Seven. How old are you?
20-something: 22.
Seven-year-old girl: You're old enough to be pregnant!
20-something: ... But I'm not!
--M104 bus
I'd Rather Date Her
Boyfriend holding up slutty top: What about this one?
Girlfriend: If you were a girl you'd be the biggest skank in New York.
--Charlotte Russe, Manhattan Mall, 33rd & 6th
Headline by: Scott
Runners-Up:
· "And knock the Statue of Liberty right off that pedestal." - LORI
· "But at least it flatters my man-boobs" - Andrew
· "I learned from the best" - Breanne S.
· "Putting the "Ho" back in "Homeboy"" - cinekat
· "What She Doesn't Know Won't Hurt Her" - Alison R.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Yes, but Not Lucid
Hobo: There's an earthquake coming! Get up above ground!
Tourist girl: Oh my god! Was he serious?!
--C train platform, Times Square
Overheard by: caiiya
What Do You Think It Means?
Check-out kid #1: Dude, last night I had a dream I was adopted by Angelina Jolie!
Check-out kid #2: What?
Check-out kid #1: No, dude, for real!
--Brooklyn
Jay-Z Just Put Your Name on a List
Seven-year-old girl: You know what I heard today?
Nine-year-old brother: What?
Seven-year-old girl: Hip hop is dead.
Nine-year-old brother: No, it's not...
Seven-year-old girl: Nas says it is.
Nine-year-old brother: Hip hop was never alive, beeyotch.
--Pathmark, Eastchester Rd, Bronx
Overheard by: Lukas Page
Wednesday One-Liners Have Killer Résumés
Conductor: This is Penn Station, the last stop. Time to go to work. Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work you go.
--LIRR, Penn Station
Chick: My boyfriend still doesn't want to get a job. Even the Unabomber had a job, didn't he?
--Harlem
Blonde on cell: What? No, I swear to God I paid him... Yes, I do have a real job now... Yes, I did give it up, alright? I told you I paid him... It's completely different!
--Starbucks
Black dude to friend: I fuck with people. That's my job. That's what I do all day. I fuck with people.
--34th & 6th
Overheard by: it worked on me
Hobo to lady suit: Hey, you wanna be my secretary?
--Outside Starbucks, Union Square
Ex-con: ... So then the motherfucker is trying to get me job training, and I was like, 'Fuck that shit,' and robbed his apartment... So then they went and threw me back in!
--Bleecker & Bowery
Overheard by: Apple Juice
Hipster chick on cell: The only reason I can tolerate my job is because there is a bar across the street.
--Rockefeller Plaza
Wednesday One-Liners Dread Ending Up on The Surreal Life
NYU guy to pal: If you could pick any five girls, and one of them had to be Tom Cruise...
--St. Mark's & 3rd
Overheard by: Lexey
Man: If Leonard Cohen were a hamster, I'd kill him.
--Freddy's Bar, Brooklyn
Hobo: Donald Trump is my cousin, but he doesn't know it because I came out black.
--Museum Mile
Teen girl on cell: Hey, I just read that Brad and Angelina decided to adopt their next kid from Vietnam. You totally have a shot... No, seriously, you should apply. I mean, I guess you'd have to try out and stuff, but it'd so be worth it.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Whitehall St
Skinny black goth girl: Am I gay, or am I Paris Hilton?!
--Cardozo High School
MTA elevator operator to another: You don't have to be forgiven. Clint Eastwood taught us that.
--1 train station elevator, 168th St
Overheard by: martin gehrke
Guy on cell in line: Yeah, she's messing around with Michael Jordan and shit! You do not want your lady messing around with Michael Jordan!
--Rite Aid, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: dutchman
Wednesday One-Liners Consume Conspicuously
Man on cell: Yeah, I'm here at the store, but I forgot what you told me to get... What do you mean, 'Who is this?' How many guys have you sent to the store in the last five minutes? Oh... This is Jeff.
--Duane Reade, 89th & Columbus
Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/
Dude: I don't think I'll do too well on The Price Is Right. I'm too used to Manhattan. I'd say 35 dollars for a box of Bounce. Then I'd be like, 'Holy shit, five bucks? Goddamn, Bob, where the fuck do you shop?!'
--Times Square
Overheard by: Dave
British tourist to another: A store just for containers?
--58th & Lex
Overheard by: sofs
Bimbette: It was a real Japanese store. The Japanese person behind the counter was Japanese.
--The Hilton
Filthy rich high school girl: You know, I was thinking -- like, we go shopping all the time, but like, we buy clothes we never wear...
--79th & Madison
NYU girl: Jenny*, that is so not J. Crew-appropriate behavior!
--W 8th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Wonder If the Sex Is Worth It
Asian hipster girl to another: I can't break up with him while he's unconscious. I'll go back later tonight when he's conscious and break up with him then.
--Manhattan-bound F train
10-year-old boy: Man, she is so fucking needy. She keeps wanting to play, like, Truth or Dare to find out stuff about me. And I don't... I don't like it!
--E train
Overheard by: Carolyn
Chick on cell: Yeah, but he made some valid points. Like how I'm a sucky girlfriend.
--59th & Madison
Overheard by: Julie
Straight-ish queer: I'm really afraid that a girl will fall head over heels for me and I will end up breaking her heart... Because, you know, I'm really good at giving back massages and fucking up against walls, and those are things girls look for, you know?
--Studio B, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Tom
Girl on cell: Look, just because you had a seizure on our first date doesn't mean I don't want to go out with you again!
--Budget Car Rental, E 43rd
Wednesday One-Liners Can Order Beers in Twenty Countries
Dude: If I added up all the languages I spoke shitty, I could probably speak one very fluently.
--Prospect Park Southwest & Vanderbilt
Loud guy on cell: Does she speak German? How do you say 'Fuck you' in German? ... Okay, bye!
--Butler Library, Columbia University
Overheard by: Eric
Cop to others: So I said, 'What's your name?' This guy don't speak good English, you know?
--G train stop
Black guy to another: Want me to speak another language? 'Cause I can speak other languages -- Chinese, German, Arab, white...
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: Andrew B.
Girl on cell: And he's from Sweden, right? Well, yeah. I mean, I'm assuming since he said he speaks Swedish and all... which, honestly, I didn't know was a real language.
--NYU dorm
Little foreign girl: Auntie, what's English for 'horse'?
--J train
Overheard by: MyTh
Gray-haired man to barista: Is tall 'small' in your language?
--Starbucks
Exeunt: Wednesday One-Liners
Teen girl: Yeah, Rent isn't my life or anything. It's just, I have nothing else to do when I get my paycheck, y'know?
--Nederlander Theatre
Man recapping Cavalleria Rusticana on cell: Yes, and then this guy came on stage singing about his horses. Man, was he a twat!
--Metropolitan Opera House
Overheard by: amalthya
Dude: Katie is always saying stuff like, 'If you shoot for the moon and miss you will still be part of the stars,' or some shit like that. I just tell her, 'Enough of your success-ories! You are too musical theater for me. You even do jazz hands all the time!'
--N 10th & Bedford Ave
Spoiled nine-year-old wearing Seven jeans: My favorite part was when Kevin Kline took off his pants!
--King Lear, public theater
Tourist girl to friend, looking at hall of fame pictures on wall: Leo-nard... Bern-stein... Oh, that's the guy who wrote The Berenstain Bears.
--Gershwin Theatre
Overheard by: edwardDB
Lady, after Spring Awakening: All I got from that was, 'Don't have sex with a cute boy or you'll die.'
--Eugene O'Neill Theatre
Overheard by: Elizabeth
Wednesday One-Liners Had It As a Safety School
Asian chick: I'm just so sick of failing in general.
--NYU Bobst Library
Overheard by: jason
NYU girl to friends: Well, he's not always drunk. Sometimes he's high.
--Prince & Mercer
NYU chick: I found out I didn't have AIDS... I went to Whole Foods... It was a good day.
--27th & Park
Overheard by: It was a good day
NYU bimbette: All popular people have herpes. Just look at them!
--NYU
NYU chick: Yeah, we almost broke up like four or five times, so I think that's indicative that we're happy together.
--Bowery & Canal
NYU girl on cell: I don't know what to do about going abroad. My parents want me to go to London, but I looked at my Tarot cards and they're telling me Dublin. What should I do?
--721 Broadway
Overheard by: Tyler
Queer student: I don't really have a problem with incest, but in my family there aren't many lookers.
--NYU Silver Center
All-Volunteer Wednesday One-Liners
Father to son: Join the Army, get a Frisbee!
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Suzie
Girl on cell: Wait, what's his name? Jihad?
--8th & University Pl
Marine to cute girl: I'd pay to have sex with you.
--Times Square
Overheard by: joe osmundson
Music teacher: So, you're getting you hair cut, and you keep going, and... And next thing you know you're in the Army. Wait, that was a bad analogy. I'll think of a better one, don't worry.
--Bronx High School of Science
Overheard by: LSB
Crazy guy: You're so beautiful. Why don't you stop the war? If you're so beautiful, why don't you stop the war?
--F train
Overheard by: Just going home
Hipster: Ryan* is so not married! He's got some military job that, like, forbades him to be married!
--Tribeca